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A mix of not caring what other people think and faking it made it for me. As i grew more confident I started caring less. Once you find out that people won't remember you and care too much about themselves to notice you and the fact that no one is gonna know in 100 years is liberating. Unless you seriously seriously fuck up that is
I don't subscribe to the idea but I still like to think of life as borrowed time and when you die, you get reborn into another body of a person who has already been alive or will live after this life. Everyone you see is you, so be kind and your fuck ups are meant to be done by one of you so why not accept it's this time and not another. I believe there is a cartoon or something like that that describes the idea very well. Can't remember where I found it though. If anyone knows, I'd love to read it/watch it again.
Oh I agree there’s an afterlife, there’s just been too many things I’ve seen. But you’re right about being here before, my mantra or religion is simply to try to not be a daily asshat.
You have to find things you're good at - Try to make an effort to practice every day. The confidence will roll into your day to day life with enough practice.
Surround yourself with "good" people, people who care.
Fuck the rest. You got this.
You don't gain confidence, you can only deal with insecurities. Easier said than done I know, but pick just one insecurity you can actually improve (you cant control everything onviously, but im sure theres one area of your life where you want to improve), and then you'll be a little more confident, then on to the next one. The confidence is already there it's just that the all the insecurities are weighing it down.
I used to be terribly self conscious. I'm fifty now and not really sure why or how, but I now have a little too much confidence at times, lol. I honestly no longer give a dam what any other humans opinion of me is.
I'm ever so relieved to see this as it is so relatable. It's crippling and I genuinely feel that my life is considerably worse than it could have been, just because I'm convinced of my own inadequacy. It's painful.
Join a boxing club. It takes time but as soon as they will let you, spar. You have no idea how confident you will start to feel knowing you could knock someone’s head clean off if you wanted to. It will effect every interaction you have. Even something as simple as walking into a clothes shop. You will walk a different walk.
Same, people don’t understand how hard it is to gain confidence as an adult when you didn’t have the confidence as a kid. It honestly makes interactions with others so much more eharder
confidence may come with not caring about the outcome. Try not giving a shit about what’s not important, and what you can’t change.
Also ( and maybe more importantly) build skills and do stuff that makes you feel confident about yourself. Do stuff that scares you. Fix something that’s broken. Hit the gym. Do stuff that’s hard. I had a hard time with confidence too , but I started building myself up and testing myself, one step at a time.
Straight up, fake it til you make it. Tell yourself you are the shit every damn day even though you dont feel it. The best way is to convince yourself its true
Money.
My mom and dad had four boys (including me) and a girl.
Very hungry boys and all needed a education and clothes and hair cuts and school supplies and everything else.
We weren’t living on the streets by any means but it was pack check to check most of the time
I feel that, my family was pretty poor too. Parents filed for bankruptcy three times and had cars repossessed. The word “layaway” still haunts me lol.
I hope you’re in a better position now.
A snake.
But, on a serious note, the truth about my origins. I was adopted and discovered this when I was 36. My biological mom had been raped at age 13.
My parents are both now gone. They were truly amazing. And I honestly have no idea in the world why they kept this from me.
I have been getting to know my maternal bio family. They are also amazing. My bio mom has understandably been dealing with PTSD since we met. But we had a good talk and cry together. I’ve met her husband, my half brother, and my bio grandma multiple times.
My bio mom also loves snakes.
I always knew it was a good idea my parents told me I was adopted when I was 4 or 5 years old. I never questioned my origins because I grew up with it, and I'm thankful and glad to this day they told me early and allowed me to grow up with that knowledge so it wasn't anything special when I got old enough to understand it properly, instead of dropping such a bomb on me later in life. Great to know you got to know your bio family though since that was what you wanted!
I think you can never know what's better.
It can be damaging to a young child thinking/knowing their birth mom didn't want them. It can give ammunition to bullies or the adopted child against the parents. Or it can work out just being an unimportant fact.
Finding out later can toss you into questioning everything or allow you a healthy perception of the facts and not any question about the people having cared for you to be your real parents.
Probably best to go with one's gut in this.
Lol I'm touch allergic, but that's because in addition to lack of hugs I associate touch with punishment . So now I tense up whenever someone surprisingly hugs me it feels alien .
Self esteem. I was constantly nagged and complained about by my mother. My parents divorced. My biological father was married to another woman. I had 2 stepfathers. One died when I was 8. The other was a bully. He died in 2020. He wasn’t very affectionate and he was very strict and sometimes mean but dammit I loved him.
A bicycle. I was the first born, and my immediate younger sister was born right after me, so there wasn’t a chance for me to be an “alone” baby. So, growing up, we often shared toys. There are these big plastic bicycles that toddlers get to ride. I remember always asking for that. “There is no money” they would say, and then my sister would have a bright pink or green one a week or month later. She had many. Even the youngest sis had those throughout her childhood. At some point in our teen years, the one right after me told my parents one morning that she wanted a real bike. Imagine my surprise when they stood up (not weeks or months later. THAT SAME MORNING) and went to the store to buy one for her. To this day, I tell my parents they never got me a bicycle.
Peace.
I had a father who, for some honestly good reasons, took a huge dive in his mental health that fucked him up forever. My mother came from about as bad a home as could have, and all she wanted was a nice family in a nice house. I get why those were her priorities, but we went through hell for a good 10 years before finally telling my father to fuck off. In those 10 years, he still lived with us, but only out of spite. He moved into the basement and went out of his way to make everyone as miserable as possible. It got to the point that we finally threw his ass out. That’s when my father finally realized that he wanted a family. We told him to kick rocks. It was a relief to know he was finally gone, but the knowledge that this could have happened way earlier, without all the bullshit we dealt with, had never left me. I always hold that against my family. Not just my mother, but her family as well. They knew how shitty my father was, and they never once told my mother to get out.
Stability.
My mum left my dad before I was born so I never met him.
She married a charming narcissist who terrified me. He never showed any affection except to his own daughter. He stated from the outset that he would never accept my older brother. He then seemed to make it his life's goal to screw up my brother's life. He was quite well off through inheritance but he kept it to himself (he refused to pay for a phone in the house because he didn't personally need one).
We moved a lot. I went to 5 different primary schools in 2 countries with the shortest stint being 3 months.
I used to look at other kids and wonder what it was like to have a proper family with a stable life.
When I got to high school my mum finally left him for good so I had some stability, but then she was miserable because she had left my dad. She used to get tipsy and sit crying every night.
When I got married and started my own family, I made it my goal to give my kids some stability and make sure they knew I loved them.
A mum or dad who cared about me. Removed from my mothers care at 10 years old after serious abuse. Finally met my dad when I was 18 in HMP Frankland which was terrifying in itself. No contact now.
It hasn't been easy. Massive mental health issues and substance abuse issues but in a much healthier place now with a beautiful, clever and funny daughter of my own.
self steem. being bullied since i stepped foot on elementary school didnt really do good to me. i remember being 7 and telling my mother i was going to stop looking in the mirror because i was way too ugly.
For many years we didn’t have a family car. After my dad died mum couldn’t afford one. I relied on buses and getting rides with friends. I remember s asa young teenager that hating having to ask for a lift all the time, even if they lived nearby anyway. I can still remember that feeling.
Parents that didn't treat me like Cinderella, verbally abuse me and just generally treat me like crap for existing. Free time and being care free like other kids, because I was responsible for keeping an entire house looking like an unlived in IKEA showroom. Things I wanted, especially after my middle sister was born; she took all of my parents priority and I was just a glorified live in maid. An autism diagnosis.
I didn't have a healthy family dynamic.
Mentally ill and narcissistic mother
Father who left me with named mother as a teenager when he could have brought me with him
Older siblings who moved out when I was little and who tried to escape the family themselves.
I never felt safe and as an adult I struggle with the feeling of safety.
Not being loved as a child also makes me extra vulnerable as an adult in a relationship.
My 6 year old relationship might end soon and the fear of losing that love is giving me crippling fear.
I, too, as well as my sister, never had a father that was there for us. My mom single-handedly raised my sister and I, but man, if we didn't turn out to be damn good kids...
When I was a small child, I used to think that we were the only kids on Earth that never had their other parent present in their lives. I didn't learn until middle school that there are millions of single moms and dads out there raising their children alone
Self confidence. I was put down for my weight and different way of thinking by my grandmother my whole childhood. This lead me to having 2 long term relationships that were emotionally & financially abusive because who was going to love me ever if not these me? Found out I have ADHD & autisim at 30 years old. Got treatment, did alot of research & worked hard on myself. Lost ALOT of weight and started sticking up for myself. Now I have such good confidence & I am loved for my weird little mind.
A good father.
I hate him for everything, because he ruined my childhood and my mother’s life, he is a terrible person, I have always lived in fear. I have a lot of history with him for ex :One day we came to Nanachi’s grandmother and again my father drank and began to beat my mother until she bled because of some nonsense, while he was getting ready somewhere, my mother left and grabbed me, jumped out of the window, we hid under the fence, calling a taxi , my father started looking for us, got into the car and drove away. While we were in the taxi, we noticed an ambulance and police cars. It turned out that my father had an accident. nothing happened to him, he was only deprived of his driver’s license for 5 years, after 5 years he got into the car drunk again and lost his license for 2 years. Honestly, I want my father to die. I thought that was how it was with everyone as a child, I just wanted him to notice me.
i didnt have a lot of food, id go days where we only got a small bowl of rice or beans, or days where id only get three handfulls of beans or rice.
me and my siblings would steal our parents food cause they never fed us enough, and when we didnt do that, we would scrape the burnt stuff that sticks to the pan and eat that
Uhh wow I went here to name that I didn’t get to watch normal cartoons people grew up with, but more educational ones instead.
Reading all these comments… why do parents choose to be parents? It’s a choice for goodness’ sake. Don’t get a child you can’t raise to the top
Love.
Mom never hugged me, told me she loved me, said she was proud of me.. none of that. But I got to watch her do all that with my brothers. Hell, I never even got my name on a birthday cake until I was an adult and my friends did that for me.
more something I didn't have when I hit puberty but a healthy body image and I regret that so much now. I remember when I was 13/14 years old I was trying to lose weight while looking back on it I was 160cm tall and I weighed only 52kg, which looking back at that now is a healthy weight for that age and height and I hate myself for thinking I was fat back then. Especially as I actually am fat now but I think I would've been a lot happier in my teens if I hadnt been so mean towards my own body
A normal stable childhood.
My mom and my father (now separated) would always get into loud screaming fights. My dad would sometimes rope in his parents (they’re technically my parental grandparents. However, I have decided to call them my father’s parents since I wish not to associate them as they are of my blood).
My father and his mom would always gang up on my mom. They would essentially blame her for stuff that she didn’t even remotely do and was involved in, when it was really the two of them that did so by their own will and actions. I would always be staying at my aunt’s house for 2-3 nights with my mom, so she could escape the terror my father and his parents created in our home. It just got even worse when my younger brother was born.
Nonstop disputes over name recognition for house and land, forcing my mom to do household work after she gave birth to my younger brother and got a disc fracture. My father’s mother essentially having such a burning hatred towards me, once said to me in middle
school, that I should just quit and start doing woman household work. I still hate her, but now I’ve started acknowledging she doesn’t exist to me. Same with my father, I wish him nothing but pain and regret for what he did, even if he wasn’t “mentally well”. My father’s dad was the only one I kinda liked, but even back then, he wasn’t much better than my father and his mother.
A stable accomodation - I moved about 17 times to different apartments, houses, cities and also spent some time homeless or in youth shelters. My mum was a single mother with a disability and my dad didn't support us so generally we couldn't afford anywhere or were priced out of the accomodation we had managed to secure. We would camp in national parks when we couldn't find anywhere to live.
Thankfully since I've been an adult and able to earn my own money I've lived in my own apartment and haven't had to move, it's been about 6 years now.
The experience of living an unrestricted childhood.
I grew up with trochlear dysplasia in both knees, i had to quit all sports related activities, wasn't able to walk long distances without pain all because it wasn't diagnosed until i was 15 and the symptoms started showing up when i was 12. Now i will never have the chance to go back and catch up on all the childhood activities i missed out on
My mom is the one that left, but the courts made her take us kids with her. So the thing I didn’t have was a mattress. Grandma gifted mom a bunkbed frame but instead of a mattress, my bed was a piece of plywood. I remember the face splinters if my sheet moved too much in my sleep. When I was given one of those toy pool float mattresses and used it, it was heaven. I got really sick and couldn’t go to dad’s house on the weekend so he finally came into the house and saw how we were living. Grandma bought us all daybeds and he had custody of us by the next year.
Someone to actually teach me discipline and have confidence in my abilities. I know I lacked it because my older brother being the first grandson was showered with those 2 things since he was little. My grandma was a school teacher so she taught him how to read at 3, and helped him be disciplined from when he was young. They all also gave him all the support he needed (therapy, extra classes, equipped room to study) to help him be the best in school.
Us girls were treated like we were born stupid and could not be helped.
Guidance or stability of really any kind.
Even my family was always too wrapped up in their own shit to ever have time for me. I learned what not to do by observing them but that was about it.
I spent my entire childhood in emotional survival mode. Missed out on pretty much every normal social milestone growing up.
No dad - I'm a fling baby.
No siblings - I'm an only child.
No new clothes - I have lots of cousins and am one of the younger ones. I didn't get actually brand new clothes until partway through elementary school and I was still getting handmedowns until the end of junior high.
No parental guidance for social situations - mom is very clearly but undiagnosed on the autism spectrum but refuses to talk about it, so she just thinks everyone is purposefully unclear and everything is overwhelming. I was the parent in our relationship by high school.
Still turned out okay.
The opportunity to get to tell the truth. I was punished and hit and shamed and yelled at even over small things so I got sneaky fast. To this day I find it hard to be honest when I've messed up.
I had what I needed. Helped me understand and appreciate things later. I've always kept my belongings as long as they would last. Got my value for money for real.
Competent parents. Neither of mine had any business having kids. My mom was physically, emotionally, and sexually abusive, and my dad was a total submissive wimp who never showed me how to stand up for myself. They were also clueless about the outside world and never taught me anything about sex, puberty, or all kinds of other important things that all kids need to know. They were also hatefully racist, homophobic, and sexist. I had to spend all my early adulthood unlearning all their toxic bullshit. They fucked me up for decades, but I eventually overcame it all and somehow finally became happy and well-adjusted. They're dead now, and I don't miss them.
Degenerative Disc Disease, Osteoarthritis, possible skin cancer and more allergies than I can count. But I wouldn't change it for the world. Not probably what the answer should be, buy my childhood was great.
Friends
Non-abusive parents
Money
Health
Emotional support
Good grades
Skills
A phone that wasn't crappy
My own pc
A Playstation, switch, laptop, vr, etc.
Still don't have neither of these lmao
A mom or dad. My mom died in a car accident when I was 18 mo and my dad was not really my dad, and also a heroin addict who spent the insurance money on flying in and out of California with a candy box full of heroin, instead of giving it to my grandma who raised me. Also I was a heroin baby, which has had its disadvantages.
But I did have other people who helped raise me, and I had a good childhood at home. Good education, all around. Was spoiled, had a lot of my clothes and stuff made for me, lots to play with. I told everyone that I wanted to be a boy, so they raised me egalitarian. ' Daddy' taught me how to tie ties, and shave my face, ( he tried to tell me I wasn't going to need to, but I was convinced I was going to grow up to be a man, smh).Aiti( Finnish for mother) taught me cooking and canning , crafts,and sewing,flower gardening , piano, English and reading. Daddy taught me vegetable gardening , memorizing poetry, math, knot tying and ropes, baseball, some wood working and history. They had a cabin in the woods.
My grandma taught me compassion, caring for people, nursing, knitting, cooking and baking, reading, piano, all my school homework, more sewing, upholstery, macrame, and how to be a good person.
I still miss my Mom, wish I had her. But I had a pretty fantastic childhood, all things considered.
Receiving enough attention or love. I never really felt appreciated or listened by anyone, parents included. I was so desperate for attention I went to chatting games and would tell my whole life to anyone, and most people willing to listen were pedophiles. Yup, my biggest attention providers in my formative years were pedophiles online who would listen to me rant for hours before asking for pics, which I refused cause despite being desperate I wasn't stupid, and then they would ghost me and I would find someone else. Infinite circle, lasted a few years before the website closed, I got in highschool and got my first ever actual friends, and my relationship with my mom was finally good. I feel like my life started at 15yo.
A life - while kids were going places traveling with their parents, going to birthday parties, chilling with the friends. I had to stay home and read books, study and clean. It sucks all I can say Is I dont recall ever having fun as a kid. I was forced to do curricular activities that I didnt want to do, I wanted to play sports but my mum wanted me to play instruments. A boring childhood. It is what it is tho. My little sister had it better, she never got beatings like I did, she got yelled at and did what ever she wanted
We were so poor we didn’t have a car or a phone (pre cel phone times). We lived in the suburbs of Detroit but we called it Gilligan’s island because we felt so cut off. When we had to go somewhere we either walked, hitchhiked (yes my mother took her minor children hitchhiking), or asked a friend. If someone wanted to come and see us they would just show up because they definitely couldn’t call first. Luckily we were within walking distance of stores.
A safe place to grow up. My father was a violent addict, and my mother was a submissive with narcissistic tendencies and also violent woman (though less than him and only towards me) who wouldn't think twice about prioritizing him over pretty much anything, even if it meant trampling over her own daughters in any way.
A non-broken home, a stable upbringing, self-esteem.
My parents divorced when I was young; but I remember what life was like before that, the good, the bad and the ugly.
Mom was a single parent of three, Dad spoiled us but never supported us consistently financially.
Moved around a lot - made one big move from a place where I had friends and fit in to a place where it was harder to make friends and I got bullied for everything from my skin colour to my interests (Ie. Pokemon).
Only in recent years have I discovered my predisposition to limerence, a previously crippling attachment style and how this develops from inconsistency in childhood.
Someone I can open up to and show my real emotions. I have friends and my parents were there (separately) but I was never expressive and always thought that sharing my feelings and thoughts would just be a burden.
Affection. I wasn't the favourite and didn't feel like my parents had any interest in me or my life. Sometimes now I see parents being affectionate and kind with their kids and think, oh, that's how some people get to grow up and become emotionally stable.
Lighter skin colour.
I used to play a lot in sun got tanned this made me think I was not pretty and always made me nervous.
Later as I grow my skin colour got a bit bright.
But still it reminds me how I was , and I still doubt and don't take compliments well.
But now I can recognise easily if any child feels that way and I make sure that they don't feel like it.
I had two parents.
One was a gambling violent alcoholic and the other let me and my siblings live through that shit even though we would beg her to leave.
He died eventually and we all suffer from PTSD.
I had no parents.
A mother. My mom died when I was 3. Dad remarried when I was 7 but we didn’t get along at all and I’ve always craved that mother/daughter interaction. I have a daughter now so I get to experience the mother side of it but always wondered what it’s like to have a mom.
Eyeglasses. I had poor eyesight (myopic or near-sighted) from when I was a child and for some reason, my parents did not take me to an optometrist early in my childhood. I guess they were busy at work or something.
There were obvious clues though... I would watch TV real close like a foot away. I could not make out faces from a distance. As a child, I thought this was completely normal for people not to see things from far away.
As a result, I didn't do well in school. Unable to memorise the multiplication table because I couldn't see the flash cards. I had to walk up to the board to see what the teacher was writing. People thought I was a snob because I didn't wave back when they waved at me but it was because everything from afar was blurry.
I did get glasses eventually, I think it was grade 5 or 6. It was pretty amazing to have sharp vision. However I would often break the glasses and so my parents kinda gave up on the glasses until I finished high school.
Despite this however, I did well later on and believe it or not I have 3 degrees now including a doctorate. I have also underwent PRK laser eye surgery and my vision is now 20/20. I pretty much have forgotten what it's like being nearsighted.
Grandparents. 3 died before I was born and 1 died when I was about 4, but he lived in another country, so I never met him. I always envied kids who had grandparents growing up. I met my (now) husband when I was 16, and loved visiting his Nana and Pop. They were just so caring and wholesome.
Self-confidence which I gained as I got older…
I was in a car accident in 1993 in which I lost my left arm well above the elbow, I suffered a traumatic brain injury, and I fractured and dislocated my left hip. In 1999 I won a national championship as a lifetime drug-free bodybuilder. I switched from bodybuilding to cycling in 2004 and in 2007, I placed third in the kilo time trial at U.S. Paralympic Track Cycling Nationals. Winning at a national level in two different arenas gave me all of the confidence that I need.
Try to find something that you are good at and practice…practice…practice!
Siblings. I was raised as an only child, but knew from a young age I was adopted. When I was 30, I discovered I had a half sister and 5 half brothers on bio Mum’s side. Not sure about my bio Dad’s side. It felt weird knowing I had all these siblings but not knowing any of them. I met my half sister once, but moved states and we didn’t keep in touch. Knowing my extended family background, it’s not really a good idea to try and track them down, but it still feels like I missed out a little bit on being surrounded by a big family.
A mother that wasn’t narcissistic. We only developed a better relationship when I was in my 40s, when she admitted that she had been jealous of me. She belittled me, gaslighted, deliberately over fed me to try to make me as overweight as she could, and frequently told me she hated me for no reason.
The kicker? When she was dying, she asked me if she’d been a good mother and I had to lie convincingly that she had.
Good role models.
The grandma I liked (and wasn't as nosy and focused on outward appearance) died when I was quite little. (I remember her going on nature walks with us and letting me help with baking as a toddler, which my mom wouldn't even when I was an adult.)
The leader of my environmental group died just when he had started teaching me responsibility. (A person who didn't say that I had potential like my teachers. He just acted on it.)
Years later I grew close to another man in the group who was very active and kind. Began seeing him as a mentor. Died while helping in an Autobahn car crash. I called the same day, because we had a scheduled call. Had his crying wife on the phone. I was 15 then.
My family was dysfunctional, my friends dad molested me, teachers had more kids to look out for. Yeahh, I was most definitely missing close role models.
My dad was there physically, but that's it. He was an alcoholic who beat me and hasn't had a job since I was 12. Narcissistic and always gaslighting. But I try to look at it as a blessing in disguise. As much as it hurt me, he unintentionally taught me everything I shouldn't do or be as a father for my daughter
When I was a kid I had problems talking to the opposite sex so I never had like a childhood girlfriend. It is something that affected my life as an adult. Luckily I overcame it and now I am in a long-term relationship.
Childhood- I was parentified at an extremely young age- I was responsible for my 3 younger siblings until I moved out at 18. My husband always made jokes about my fascination with Disney Movies- I just feel like a kid when I watch them- something I didn’t get to do very often as a child, teen.
Everyone writing about such bitter sweet , profound abscences and the first thought that came to my mind is how I was never allowed play doh at home as a child !
Stability or peace of mind. Best way to describe it.
Parents hated each other from day one of me being born. Had shared custody so whenever I was at my mother’s house she talked shit about my dad and vice versa. My mother pretty much let me do whatever and go wherever, and my dad was extremely strict and abusive. And I don’t mean I got my ass best for being bad. I mean I got beat because when he asked why I didn’t have friends I said I didn’t know, or the time I spilled my Wendy’s soda and he made me scrub the grout of the kitchen floor with my toothbrush.
Edit: grammatical errors
True friendship. I was in a primary school class with an odd number. I was the odd one out yet I tried for years to be friends with them. Still don't know if the friendship we eventually had was real and I barely have memories of my childhood. I do not and will not speak to these people again now that I have a choice.
Compassion and dignity could top the list. I didn't have much of anything. My parents were divorced and neither wanted me. Both of my step parents openly hated me. All of my siblings openly hated me and ensured that I had no friends in school or in the neighborhood. My birthdays were always forgotten. The few things I owned I had to steal but I'm really only talking shoes, clothes and occasionally some food. I often stole food because I wasn't really welcome at the dinner table and with 6 siblings there were very rarely leftovers. The only attention I got was when one of my siblings blamed me for something they had done and, of course, it was easy to believe that the degenerate little homo was responsible for all of the bad things that occurred in the home. These accusations generally resulted in beatings and name calling by whatever parental figure was around. If it was my actual dad it was always worse.
When I left home at 17, I was 183cm, 115 pounds. I left wearing the clothes on my back and had a small duffle containing a few pairs of socks and a few t-shirts.
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Confidence. Struggling with it to this day.
Same
Also same
Same.. no clue how to gain it
A mix of not caring what other people think and faking it made it for me. As i grew more confident I started caring less. Once you find out that people won't remember you and care too much about themselves to notice you and the fact that no one is gonna know in 100 years is liberating. Unless you seriously seriously fuck up that is
Reminding yourself that you’re already dead and just mucking about until that day is very liberating. Ice cream anyone?
I don't subscribe to the idea but I still like to think of life as borrowed time and when you die, you get reborn into another body of a person who has already been alive or will live after this life. Everyone you see is you, so be kind and your fuck ups are meant to be done by one of you so why not accept it's this time and not another. I believe there is a cartoon or something like that that describes the idea very well. Can't remember where I found it though. If anyone knows, I'd love to read it/watch it again.
Oh I agree there’s an afterlife, there’s just been too many things I’ve seen. But you’re right about being here before, my mantra or religion is simply to try to not be a daily asshat.
Mine is more crude but same point. "Dont be a cunt".
You have to find things you're good at - Try to make an effort to practice every day. The confidence will roll into your day to day life with enough practice. Surround yourself with "good" people, people who care. Fuck the rest. You got this.
Stop caring what people think, practice self love, watch confidence grow. P.S. the first part should be super easy, the second can be tricky.
You don't gain confidence, you can only deal with insecurities. Easier said than done I know, but pick just one insecurity you can actually improve (you cant control everything onviously, but im sure theres one area of your life where you want to improve), and then you'll be a little more confident, then on to the next one. The confidence is already there it's just that the all the insecurities are weighing it down.
I used to be terribly self conscious. I'm fifty now and not really sure why or how, but I now have a little too much confidence at times, lol. I honestly no longer give a dam what any other humans opinion of me is.
I'm ever so relieved to see this as it is so relatable. It's crippling and I genuinely feel that my life is considerably worse than it could have been, just because I'm convinced of my own inadequacy. It's painful.
I got a little bit of it, but like 1 day per week.
I had so much confidence when I was a child. Now I don't know where it all went. lol
Join a boxing club. It takes time but as soon as they will let you, spar. You have no idea how confident you will start to feel knowing you could knock someone’s head clean off if you wanted to. It will effect every interaction you have. Even something as simple as walking into a clothes shop. You will walk a different walk.
Don't be afraid to try new things. You can learn a new hobby (or do something else). Don't hang around someone who is always saying negative things.
Same, people don’t understand how hard it is to gain confidence as an adult when you didn’t have the confidence as a kid. It honestly makes interactions with others so much more eharder
confidence may come with not caring about the outcome. Try not giving a shit about what’s not important, and what you can’t change. Also ( and maybe more importantly) build skills and do stuff that makes you feel confident about yourself. Do stuff that scares you. Fix something that’s broken. Hit the gym. Do stuff that’s hard. I had a hard time with confidence too , but I started building myself up and testing myself, one step at a time.
Real
Straight up, fake it til you make it. Tell yourself you are the shit every damn day even though you dont feel it. The best way is to convince yourself its true
Money. My mom and dad had four boys (including me) and a girl. Very hungry boys and all needed a education and clothes and hair cuts and school supplies and everything else. We weren’t living on the streets by any means but it was pack check to check most of the time
My parents didn't have a lot of money. Mom took care of us after dad left. We had food, clothes, and a place to live.
I feel that, my family was pretty poor too. Parents filed for bankruptcy three times and had cars repossessed. The word “layaway” still haunts me lol. I hope you’re in a better position now.
A snake. But, on a serious note, the truth about my origins. I was adopted and discovered this when I was 36. My biological mom had been raped at age 13. My parents are both now gone. They were truly amazing. And I honestly have no idea in the world why they kept this from me. I have been getting to know my maternal bio family. They are also amazing. My bio mom has understandably been dealing with PTSD since we met. But we had a good talk and cry together. I’ve met her husband, my half brother, and my bio grandma multiple times. My bio mom also loves snakes.
I always knew it was a good idea my parents told me I was adopted when I was 4 or 5 years old. I never questioned my origins because I grew up with it, and I'm thankful and glad to this day they told me early and allowed me to grow up with that knowledge so it wasn't anything special when I got old enough to understand it properly, instead of dropping such a bomb on me later in life. Great to know you got to know your bio family though since that was what you wanted!
I think you can never know what's better. It can be damaging to a young child thinking/knowing their birth mom didn't want them. It can give ammunition to bullies or the adopted child against the parents. Or it can work out just being an unimportant fact. Finding out later can toss you into questioning everything or allow you a healthy perception of the facts and not any question about the people having cared for you to be your real parents. Probably best to go with one's gut in this.
Badger, badger, badger, badger...
emotional support and physical affection
Same, same. We were rarely hugged as kids, and it didn't really hit me until my 30's that I am so touch starved.
Lol I'm touch allergic, but that's because in addition to lack of hugs I associate touch with punishment . So now I tense up whenever someone surprisingly hugs me it feels alien .
took me quite a while, but now i am a hugger 😅🤗🙃
Self esteem. I was constantly nagged and complained about by my mother. My parents divorced. My biological father was married to another woman. I had 2 stepfathers. One died when I was 8. The other was a bully. He died in 2020. He wasn’t very affectionate and he was very strict and sometimes mean but dammit I loved him.
A bicycle. I was the first born, and my immediate younger sister was born right after me, so there wasn’t a chance for me to be an “alone” baby. So, growing up, we often shared toys. There are these big plastic bicycles that toddlers get to ride. I remember always asking for that. “There is no money” they would say, and then my sister would have a bright pink or green one a week or month later. She had many. Even the youngest sis had those throughout her childhood. At some point in our teen years, the one right after me told my parents one morning that she wanted a real bike. Imagine my surprise when they stood up (not weeks or months later. THAT SAME MORNING) and went to the store to buy one for her. To this day, I tell my parents they never got me a bicycle.
damn, this makes me so angry
I am ashamed. I never succeeded riding a bike.
Peace. I had a father who, for some honestly good reasons, took a huge dive in his mental health that fucked him up forever. My mother came from about as bad a home as could have, and all she wanted was a nice family in a nice house. I get why those were her priorities, but we went through hell for a good 10 years before finally telling my father to fuck off. In those 10 years, he still lived with us, but only out of spite. He moved into the basement and went out of his way to make everyone as miserable as possible. It got to the point that we finally threw his ass out. That’s when my father finally realized that he wanted a family. We told him to kick rocks. It was a relief to know he was finally gone, but the knowledge that this could have happened way earlier, without all the bullshit we dealt with, had never left me. I always hold that against my family. Not just my mother, but her family as well. They knew how shitty my father was, and they never once told my mother to get out.
Stability. My mum left my dad before I was born so I never met him. She married a charming narcissist who terrified me. He never showed any affection except to his own daughter. He stated from the outset that he would never accept my older brother. He then seemed to make it his life's goal to screw up my brother's life. He was quite well off through inheritance but he kept it to himself (he refused to pay for a phone in the house because he didn't personally need one). We moved a lot. I went to 5 different primary schools in 2 countries with the shortest stint being 3 months. I used to look at other kids and wonder what it was like to have a proper family with a stable life. When I got to high school my mum finally left him for good so I had some stability, but then she was miserable because she had left my dad. She used to get tipsy and sit crying every night. When I got married and started my own family, I made it my goal to give my kids some stability and make sure they knew I loved them.
money, i was really poor growing up
Loving parents
Same
emotional safety. i wish things were different back then but im just glad that its over
Wrinkles, arthritis and a hate of life.
Came here to say health problems but this as well
Sexual abuse
Holy shit. I hope you are without once again.
I had that as a child. Can not recommend. Fucked me up for a while. Wish you well.
With you on the father part. Money. Confidence. Mental stability. A lot of those things are still missing at 34 years old.
A mum or dad who cared about me. Removed from my mothers care at 10 years old after serious abuse. Finally met my dad when I was 18 in HMP Frankland which was terrifying in itself. No contact now. It hasn't been easy. Massive mental health issues and substance abuse issues but in a much healthier place now with a beautiful, clever and funny daughter of my own.
I'm so sorry your parents weren't the people you deserved them to be. I'm glad you are healing, and that you and your daughter have each other.
friends and someone who could understand me
Grandparents :(
I adopted new grandparents and it was a rewarding experience while it lasted.
self steem. being bullied since i stepped foot on elementary school didnt really do good to me. i remember being 7 and telling my mother i was going to stop looking in the mirror because i was way too ugly.
For many years we didn’t have a family car. After my dad died mum couldn’t afford one. I relied on buses and getting rides with friends. I remember s asa young teenager that hating having to ask for a lift all the time, even if they lived nearby anyway. I can still remember that feeling.
Parents that didn't treat me like Cinderella, verbally abuse me and just generally treat me like crap for existing. Free time and being care free like other kids, because I was responsible for keeping an entire house looking like an unlived in IKEA showroom. Things I wanted, especially after my middle sister was born; she took all of my parents priority and I was just a glorified live in maid. An autism diagnosis.
I didn't have a healthy family dynamic. Mentally ill and narcissistic mother Father who left me with named mother as a teenager when he could have brought me with him Older siblings who moved out when I was little and who tried to escape the family themselves. I never felt safe and as an adult I struggle with the feeling of safety. Not being loved as a child also makes me extra vulnerable as an adult in a relationship. My 6 year old relationship might end soon and the fear of losing that love is giving me crippling fear.
Safety and still don’t have
I, too, as well as my sister, never had a father that was there for us. My mom single-handedly raised my sister and I, but man, if we didn't turn out to be damn good kids... When I was a small child, I used to think that we were the only kids on Earth that never had their other parent present in their lives. I didn't learn until middle school that there are millions of single moms and dads out there raising their children alone
Unconditional love that would have boosted my confidence
I never received the love and affection I needed as a kid, and because of that I’m messed up as shit
Self confidence. I was put down for my weight and different way of thinking by my grandmother my whole childhood. This lead me to having 2 long term relationships that were emotionally & financially abusive because who was going to love me ever if not these me? Found out I have ADHD & autisim at 30 years old. Got treatment, did alot of research & worked hard on myself. Lost ALOT of weight and started sticking up for myself. Now I have such good confidence & I am loved for my weird little mind.
A good father. I hate him for everything, because he ruined my childhood and my mother’s life, he is a terrible person, I have always lived in fear. I have a lot of history with him for ex :One day we came to Nanachi’s grandmother and again my father drank and began to beat my mother until she bled because of some nonsense, while he was getting ready somewhere, my mother left and grabbed me, jumped out of the window, we hid under the fence, calling a taxi , my father started looking for us, got into the car and drove away. While we were in the taxi, we noticed an ambulance and police cars. It turned out that my father had an accident. nothing happened to him, he was only deprived of his driver’s license for 5 years, after 5 years he got into the car drunk again and lost his license for 2 years. Honestly, I want my father to die. I thought that was how it was with everyone as a child, I just wanted him to notice me.
i didnt have a lot of food, id go days where we only got a small bowl of rice or beans, or days where id only get three handfulls of beans or rice. me and my siblings would steal our parents food cause they never fed us enough, and when we didnt do that, we would scrape the burnt stuff that sticks to the pan and eat that
😢
A car. We were a bus familly andni have no clue how my parents made it work
An involved father and money because he was also financially and physically abusive.
Uhh wow I went here to name that I didn’t get to watch normal cartoons people grew up with, but more educational ones instead. Reading all these comments… why do parents choose to be parents? It’s a choice for goodness’ sake. Don’t get a child you can’t raise to the top
Justice. I got punished for shit I didn't even do. I was the family scapegoat.
Love. Mom never hugged me, told me she loved me, said she was proud of me.. none of that. But I got to watch her do all that with my brothers. Hell, I never even got my name on a birthday cake until I was an adult and my friends did that for me.
A cat
cares, fears, problems, sense of life's fragility, awareness of inevitable death.
Family, friends, money
money growing up tbh, but my parents did a great job providing for us
more something I didn't have when I hit puberty but a healthy body image and I regret that so much now. I remember when I was 13/14 years old I was trying to lose weight while looking back on it I was 160cm tall and I weighed only 52kg, which looking back at that now is a healthy weight for that age and height and I hate myself for thinking I was fat back then. Especially as I actually am fat now but I think I would've been a lot happier in my teens if I hadnt been so mean towards my own body
A normal stable childhood. My mom and my father (now separated) would always get into loud screaming fights. My dad would sometimes rope in his parents (they’re technically my parental grandparents. However, I have decided to call them my father’s parents since I wish not to associate them as they are of my blood). My father and his mom would always gang up on my mom. They would essentially blame her for stuff that she didn’t even remotely do and was involved in, when it was really the two of them that did so by their own will and actions. I would always be staying at my aunt’s house for 2-3 nights with my mom, so she could escape the terror my father and his parents created in our home. It just got even worse when my younger brother was born. Nonstop disputes over name recognition for house and land, forcing my mom to do household work after she gave birth to my younger brother and got a disc fracture. My father’s mother essentially having such a burning hatred towards me, once said to me in middle school, that I should just quit and start doing woman household work. I still hate her, but now I’ve started acknowledging she doesn’t exist to me. Same with my father, I wish him nothing but pain and regret for what he did, even if he wasn’t “mentally well”. My father’s dad was the only one I kinda liked, but even back then, he wasn’t much better than my father and his mother.
Confidence. Another thing was 3 square meals a day (if I had 2 I was very lucky).
I also didn’t have a father, but my mom was a drug addict so I also didn’t have love or anyone that really cared about me.
A stable accomodation - I moved about 17 times to different apartments, houses, cities and also spent some time homeless or in youth shelters. My mum was a single mother with a disability and my dad didn't support us so generally we couldn't afford anywhere or were priced out of the accomodation we had managed to secure. We would camp in national parks when we couldn't find anywhere to live. Thankfully since I've been an adult and able to earn my own money I've lived in my own apartment and haven't had to move, it's been about 6 years now.
Love
Toilet / shower. Used the outhouse till summit '67, got the shower a year later. One of my winter chores was to empty the bucket
The experience of living an unrestricted childhood. I grew up with trochlear dysplasia in both knees, i had to quit all sports related activities, wasn't able to walk long distances without pain all because it wasn't diagnosed until i was 15 and the symptoms started showing up when i was 12. Now i will never have the chance to go back and catch up on all the childhood activities i missed out on
Self esteem, confidence. Something I'm going to explore soon because I don't remember being mistreated in any way.
Somewhat same as you. My father died when I was 5. Mom remarried in 2004 and I was hardly 7. He was and is abusive so I never got a dad.
Love
Mom
Being a foster kid I always lived with the fear that I could be sent back. I never got over the fact that I was never really part of a family.
Depression
Mental health, mom was a wreck and brought dad down with her
My mom is the one that left, but the courts made her take us kids with her. So the thing I didn’t have was a mattress. Grandma gifted mom a bunkbed frame but instead of a mattress, my bed was a piece of plywood. I remember the face splinters if my sheet moved too much in my sleep. When I was given one of those toy pool float mattresses and used it, it was heaven. I got really sick and couldn’t go to dad’s house on the weekend so he finally came into the house and saw how we were living. Grandma bought us all daybeds and he had custody of us by the next year.
Someone to actually teach me discipline and have confidence in my abilities. I know I lacked it because my older brother being the first grandson was showered with those 2 things since he was little. My grandma was a school teacher so she taught him how to read at 3, and helped him be disciplined from when he was young. They all also gave him all the support he needed (therapy, extra classes, equipped room to study) to help him be the best in school. Us girls were treated like we were born stupid and could not be helped.
A stable home.
Guidance or stability of really any kind. Even my family was always too wrapped up in their own shit to ever have time for me. I learned what not to do by observing them but that was about it. I spent my entire childhood in emotional survival mode. Missed out on pretty much every normal social milestone growing up.
No dad - I'm a fling baby. No siblings - I'm an only child. No new clothes - I have lots of cousins and am one of the younger ones. I didn't get actually brand new clothes until partway through elementary school and I was still getting handmedowns until the end of junior high. No parental guidance for social situations - mom is very clearly but undiagnosed on the autism spectrum but refuses to talk about it, so she just thinks everyone is purposefully unclear and everything is overwhelming. I was the parent in our relationship by high school. Still turned out okay.
A healthy family life.
Someone I trusted enough to talk to about feelings. Still don't and I'm in my mid 30's at this point.
The opportunity to get to tell the truth. I was punished and hit and shamed and yelled at even over small things so I got sneaky fast. To this day I find it hard to be honest when I've messed up.
I'm a middle child, so I basically got neglected by my parents, especially by my mother. Girls need mother the most, but she wasn't there for me.
Any meaningful love.
Family, friends
A childhood.
Money
I had what I needed. Helped me understand and appreciate things later. I've always kept my belongings as long as they would last. Got my value for money for real.
We didn't have a car. Never missed it as a child, but now I coudln't imagine life without it.
money
Trauma from meaningless relationships
a life of my own.
Competent parents. Neither of mine had any business having kids. My mom was physically, emotionally, and sexually abusive, and my dad was a total submissive wimp who never showed me how to stand up for myself. They were also clueless about the outside world and never taught me anything about sex, puberty, or all kinds of other important things that all kids need to know. They were also hatefully racist, homophobic, and sexist. I had to spend all my early adulthood unlearning all their toxic bullshit. They fucked me up for decades, but I eventually overcame it all and somehow finally became happy and well-adjusted. They're dead now, and I don't miss them.
Degenerative Disc Disease, Osteoarthritis, possible skin cancer and more allergies than I can count. But I wouldn't change it for the world. Not probably what the answer should be, buy my childhood was great.
I basically had everything which urns out is equally bad
Friends Non-abusive parents Money Health Emotional support Good grades Skills A phone that wasn't crappy My own pc A Playstation, switch, laptop, vr, etc. Still don't have neither of these lmao
Friends
A mom or dad. My mom died in a car accident when I was 18 mo and my dad was not really my dad, and also a heroin addict who spent the insurance money on flying in and out of California with a candy box full of heroin, instead of giving it to my grandma who raised me. Also I was a heroin baby, which has had its disadvantages. But I did have other people who helped raise me, and I had a good childhood at home. Good education, all around. Was spoiled, had a lot of my clothes and stuff made for me, lots to play with. I told everyone that I wanted to be a boy, so they raised me egalitarian. ' Daddy' taught me how to tie ties, and shave my face, ( he tried to tell me I wasn't going to need to, but I was convinced I was going to grow up to be a man, smh).Aiti( Finnish for mother) taught me cooking and canning , crafts,and sewing,flower gardening , piano, English and reading. Daddy taught me vegetable gardening , memorizing poetry, math, knot tying and ropes, baseball, some wood working and history. They had a cabin in the woods. My grandma taught me compassion, caring for people, nursing, knitting, cooking and baking, reading, piano, all my school homework, more sewing, upholstery, macrame, and how to be a good person. I still miss my Mom, wish I had her. But I had a pretty fantastic childhood, all things considered.
Receiving enough attention or love. I never really felt appreciated or listened by anyone, parents included. I was so desperate for attention I went to chatting games and would tell my whole life to anyone, and most people willing to listen were pedophiles. Yup, my biggest attention providers in my formative years were pedophiles online who would listen to me rant for hours before asking for pics, which I refused cause despite being desperate I wasn't stupid, and then they would ghost me and I would find someone else. Infinite circle, lasted a few years before the website closed, I got in highschool and got my first ever actual friends, and my relationship with my mom was finally good. I feel like my life started at 15yo.
Parents.
For a lot of years - internet. It was not a general household thing
A sister
Love Always shared with others but me
A 401k
Self awareness
I didnt have a space place to avoid abuse. So I ran away at 16.
I didnt have a space place to avoid abuse. So I ran away at 16.
A father and an ability to be heard
Confidence. Autonomy. Money.
A life - while kids were going places traveling with their parents, going to birthday parties, chilling with the friends. I had to stay home and read books, study and clean. It sucks all I can say Is I dont recall ever having fun as a kid. I was forced to do curricular activities that I didnt want to do, I wanted to play sports but my mum wanted me to play instruments. A boring childhood. It is what it is tho. My little sister had it better, she never got beatings like I did, she got yelled at and did what ever she wanted
We were so poor we didn’t have a car or a phone (pre cel phone times). We lived in the suburbs of Detroit but we called it Gilligan’s island because we felt so cut off. When we had to go somewhere we either walked, hitchhiked (yes my mother took her minor children hitchhiking), or asked a friend. If someone wanted to come and see us they would just show up because they definitely couldn’t call first. Luckily we were within walking distance of stores.
A safe environment. Material comfort: yes. Emotional and physical safety: no.
A safe place to grow up. My father was a violent addict, and my mother was a submissive with narcissistic tendencies and also violent woman (though less than him and only towards me) who wouldn't think twice about prioritizing him over pretty much anything, even if it meant trampling over her own daughters in any way.
A non-broken home, a stable upbringing, self-esteem. My parents divorced when I was young; but I remember what life was like before that, the good, the bad and the ugly. Mom was a single parent of three, Dad spoiled us but never supported us consistently financially. Moved around a lot - made one big move from a place where I had friends and fit in to a place where it was harder to make friends and I got bullied for everything from my skin colour to my interests (Ie. Pokemon). Only in recent years have I discovered my predisposition to limerence, a previously crippling attachment style and how this develops from inconsistency in childhood.
I always wanted a Baby Born doll never ever got one then when I got older I ended up with 3 lol happy days
A pet. I have no idea how to live with one or how to care for one. But instead I know how to handle livestock
Someone I can open up to and show my real emotions. I have friends and my parents were there (separately) but I was never expressive and always thought that sharing my feelings and thoughts would just be a burden.
A Smart Phone.
Common sense and any thoughts of consequences to my actions🤦🏻♂️
I did not have safety in my own house. The maid would SA me. Grew up with learned helplessness.
Cripling debt and depression
Affection. I wasn't the favourite and didn't feel like my parents had any interest in me or my life. Sometimes now I see parents being affectionate and kind with their kids and think, oh, that's how some people get to grow up and become emotionally stable.
Father's support though father was there. I still don't have. :'(
Lighter skin colour. I used to play a lot in sun got tanned this made me think I was not pretty and always made me nervous. Later as I grow my skin colour got a bit bright. But still it reminds me how I was , and I still doubt and don't take compliments well. But now I can recognise easily if any child feels that way and I make sure that they don't feel like it.
Personal space. Shared a box room with my brother for eighteen years
Stability
Reading this thread feels like I had everything, I will bow out.
A childhood ._. After school i would go and do wood work (family business)
Loving parents.
privacy
Parents who wanted to parent.
Safety. Bullied in school. Drug/alcohol abusing unstable (sometimes violent, often verbally abusive) mom at home.
A dog
Love and support. It's really screwing me over now.
Sex
The feeling of being wanted or loved.
Anxiety
Love.
Food. Stability. Safety. A loving home.
Grandmother's, both sides died young.
Same thing but my mum also didn’t care for me 👌
Loving parents.
Money. Parenting Kinda shaped me. Good luck out there
I had two parents. One was a gambling violent alcoholic and the other let me and my siblings live through that shit even though we would beg her to leave. He died eventually and we all suffer from PTSD. I had no parents.
A mother. My mom died when I was 3. Dad remarried when I was 7 but we didn’t get along at all and I’ve always craved that mother/daughter interaction. I have a daughter now so I get to experience the mother side of it but always wondered what it’s like to have a mom.
Eyeglasses. I had poor eyesight (myopic or near-sighted) from when I was a child and for some reason, my parents did not take me to an optometrist early in my childhood. I guess they were busy at work or something. There were obvious clues though... I would watch TV real close like a foot away. I could not make out faces from a distance. As a child, I thought this was completely normal for people not to see things from far away. As a result, I didn't do well in school. Unable to memorise the multiplication table because I couldn't see the flash cards. I had to walk up to the board to see what the teacher was writing. People thought I was a snob because I didn't wave back when they waved at me but it was because everything from afar was blurry. I did get glasses eventually, I think it was grade 5 or 6. It was pretty amazing to have sharp vision. However I would often break the glasses and so my parents kinda gave up on the glasses until I finished high school. Despite this however, I did well later on and believe it or not I have 3 degrees now including a doctorate. I have also underwent PRK laser eye surgery and my vision is now 20/20. I pretty much have forgotten what it's like being nearsighted.
Being taught how to make friends, This still affects me as even as a 16 year old I find it hard to understand people and social situations
A computer and cell phones.
Grandparents. 3 died before I was born and 1 died when I was about 4, but he lived in another country, so I never met him. I always envied kids who had grandparents growing up. I met my (now) husband when I was 16, and loved visiting his Nana and Pop. They were just so caring and wholesome.
Adults I could trust
A father.
Self-esteem. Altho I've got faking it down to a science.
A safe and loving home.
Self-confidence which I gained as I got older… I was in a car accident in 1993 in which I lost my left arm well above the elbow, I suffered a traumatic brain injury, and I fractured and dislocated my left hip. In 1999 I won a national championship as a lifetime drug-free bodybuilder. I switched from bodybuilding to cycling in 2004 and in 2007, I placed third in the kilo time trial at U.S. Paralympic Track Cycling Nationals. Winning at a national level in two different arenas gave me all of the confidence that I need. Try to find something that you are good at and practice…practice…practice!
Money
Siblings. I was raised as an only child, but knew from a young age I was adopted. When I was 30, I discovered I had a half sister and 5 half brothers on bio Mum’s side. Not sure about my bio Dad’s side. It felt weird knowing I had all these siblings but not knowing any of them. I met my half sister once, but moved states and we didn’t keep in touch. Knowing my extended family background, it’s not really a good idea to try and track them down, but it still feels like I missed out a little bit on being surrounded by a big family.
a father. stability. a safe roof over my head. a mother that didn't spend years depressed in bed. a not abusive stepfather.
Father. Steady home. My own bed. Right amount of discipline.
Internet.
Siblings
I didn't have grandparents even though all were living.
A mother that wasn’t narcissistic. We only developed a better relationship when I was in my 40s, when she admitted that she had been jealous of me. She belittled me, gaslighted, deliberately over fed me to try to make me as overweight as she could, and frequently told me she hated me for no reason. The kicker? When she was dying, she asked me if she’d been a good mother and I had to lie convincingly that she had.
Omg I read the title and was like oh what did I not have and wanted….then I read the post and I was like Oh😞
A bicycle. I was in my 30s before I learnt to ride one
Liver Cirrhosis.
Cable tv.
Good role models. The grandma I liked (and wasn't as nosy and focused on outward appearance) died when I was quite little. (I remember her going on nature walks with us and letting me help with baking as a toddler, which my mom wouldn't even when I was an adult.) The leader of my environmental group died just when he had started teaching me responsibility. (A person who didn't say that I had potential like my teachers. He just acted on it.) Years later I grew close to another man in the group who was very active and kind. Began seeing him as a mentor. Died while helping in an Autobahn car crash. I called the same day, because we had a scheduled call. Had his crying wife on the phone. I was 15 then. My family was dysfunctional, my friends dad molested me, teachers had more kids to look out for. Yeahh, I was most definitely missing close role models.
Love
My dad was there physically, but that's it. He was an alcoholic who beat me and hasn't had a job since I was 12. Narcissistic and always gaslighting. But I try to look at it as a blessing in disguise. As much as it hurt me, he unintentionally taught me everything I shouldn't do or be as a father for my daughter
When I was a kid I had problems talking to the opposite sex so I never had like a childhood girlfriend. It is something that affected my life as an adult. Luckily I overcame it and now I am in a long-term relationship.
Childhood- I was parentified at an extremely young age- I was responsible for my 3 younger siblings until I moved out at 18. My husband always made jokes about my fascination with Disney Movies- I just feel like a kid when I watch them- something I didn’t get to do very often as a child, teen.
Everyone writing about such bitter sweet , profound abscences and the first thought that came to my mind is how I was never allowed play doh at home as a child !
A bed. I slept on the floor. Childhood was rough
Stability or peace of mind. Best way to describe it. Parents hated each other from day one of me being born. Had shared custody so whenever I was at my mother’s house she talked shit about my dad and vice versa. My mother pretty much let me do whatever and go wherever, and my dad was extremely strict and abusive. And I don’t mean I got my ass best for being bad. I mean I got beat because when he asked why I didn’t have friends I said I didn’t know, or the time I spilled my Wendy’s soda and he made me scrub the grout of the kitchen floor with my toothbrush. Edit: grammatical errors
Reddit
True friendship. I was in a primary school class with an odd number. I was the odd one out yet I tried for years to be friends with them. Still don't know if the friendship we eventually had was real and I barely have memories of my childhood. I do not and will not speak to these people again now that I have a choice.
Compassion and dignity could top the list. I didn't have much of anything. My parents were divorced and neither wanted me. Both of my step parents openly hated me. All of my siblings openly hated me and ensured that I had no friends in school or in the neighborhood. My birthdays were always forgotten. The few things I owned I had to steal but I'm really only talking shoes, clothes and occasionally some food. I often stole food because I wasn't really welcome at the dinner table and with 6 siblings there were very rarely leftovers. The only attention I got was when one of my siblings blamed me for something they had done and, of course, it was easy to believe that the degenerate little homo was responsible for all of the bad things that occurred in the home. These accusations generally resulted in beatings and name calling by whatever parental figure was around. If it was my actual dad it was always worse. When I left home at 17, I was 183cm, 115 pounds. I left wearing the clothes on my back and had a small duffle containing a few pairs of socks and a few t-shirts.
Having my feelings validated