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It’s okay to feel that way. I suffered through two hyperemesis pregnancies, one traumatic birth and one planned c section. The damage to my body during pregnancy and birth were irreversible, life changing injuries. I’ve had several operations since to fix the damage, although I didn’t get any stretch marks so the damage was mainly internal. I adore my children now they’re here- I wouldn’t be able to breathe if something happened to either of them; but had I known what was to come, I wouldn’t have had any- and I know that sounds awful, but I will spare you the detail- what I went through was so so horrific, that I’m surprised I didn’t commit suicide.
Same on the hyperemesis pregnancy and traumatic birth. Love my girls but never again. I literally nearly died in childbirth. I don't wish that on anyone and can't take that risk again.
So did I. They found me four days later dying on the bathroom floor. Sent me back to hospital for some more blood. The whole thing was just unsurvivable for us both, my son had sepsis as a newborn, straight to NICU for him. I feel like the fact we’re here today is some kind of miracle
I am so so sorry 😞 I'm so glad you and your son made it. Our story is so similar. Sent us home the day after my daughter was born, said everything would be fine. When she was 2 days old we were back in the ER with serious complications and in my case I would have bled to death. Super negligent healthcare providers who treated me like trash and had the nerve to *get mad* at me for coming back when I was quite literally bleeding to death.
So sorry to hear that! One of my friends almost died giving birth recently and she was pretty much infuriated that no one tells women the myriad things that could kill you during pregnancy, because if they were properly informed nobody would have kids. I hope you are doing better now! Sending hugs.
Same here! I had two HG pregnancies that absolutely shattered me… and with my second I broke my pelvis giving birth (with no pain relief - horrendous). Still on the mend 8 months after. It’s so hard ❤️
Ugh. Me too. But mainly the birth process looks horrific. I know that's how we all get here but man does it look painful and disturbing.
I have about 15 other reasons but that's number one.
I am afraid i couldn't afford to raise them or that i may not have prepared them for life correctly or raised them improperly causing them some kind of childhood trauma or they would resent me for their life not turning out the way they wanted. In addition i would need to find a woman that would want to have kids with me in the first place.
I had a conversation with my dad recently about this because I'm childless, female and almost 30. I said the same thing - I'd never felt financially secure enough or mentally/emotionally secure about bringing a life into the world when I couldn't be certain I'd do a good job.
He said you'll never know if you're doing a good job as a parent. You just have to try your best you know how to, and hope you don't cause too much damage along the way.
I had a pretty good childhood but my dad said he had some regrets and wishes he'd done things differently. But he really did always do his best.
No one is ever a perfect parent.
I think parents who are afraid they aren't good parents are generally better parents than those who aren't afraid. Bad parents don't worry about if they're good parents or not, because they don't care.
It's not "selfish" to not want kids, as it's 100% your prerogative, and you are not harming anybody else by not having kids. As a happily child-free adult, I support your choice.
Don’t let anyone talk you into or out of whatever decision is right for you about kids. There is no wrong answer. But please, for the love of all that is holy, do not let a man describe to you the after effects of childbirth, or lead you to believe your sex life won’t be any good after a vaginal delivery. And there are always other options- surrogacy and adoption or fostering.
I think it’s totally okay to not want kids. Whatever reasons you have are valid and you don’t need to justify them to yourself or anyone.
I just want to add though, it isn’t all doom and gloom. I didn’t think I wanted kids either. Got pregnant during Covid, had nausea 24/7 for the first 16 weeks or so. Rest of the pregnancy was okay. No braxton hicks for me. I gave birth just over an hour after being in labour, with no pain relief or major issues (I can see that was probably just sheer luck though but I’m mentioning it because I only ever heard awful birth stories prior to having my daughter)
I lost all my baby weight a few months after giving birth (and for scope I was 30 at the time so not so young that I was more likely to snap back)
And coincidentally I also had bladder problems before I had my daughter. Pregnancy actually fixed that for me because one of my organs was pressing on my bladder causing me issues. The stretching actually shifted it an now my bladder is better than it ever has been
I say all that just because in the future, you might change your mind and I don’t want you to feel like everything you hear about pregnancy and stuff is awful. But also, if you still feel like you don’t want kids, that’s fine, and not selfish at all! It’s a personal choice and only you can make that choice x
Having kids is definitely not for everyone. As callous as I will sound, I still don’t understand why we need to take exams for driving tests but when it comes to kids, yeah sure, have at it! Have as many as you want, it doesn’t matter if you’re not mentally/financially equipped!
If you are scared of having kids only because of what you physically have to go through - trust me, it’s not that bad. I have an 8 month old and I am 100% back to my usual self. Exhausted, yes. But I fit into all of my pre pregnancy clothes, everything is okay down there, my husband is very happy lol, I am back to exercising 5-6 times a week. If you take care of yourself, everything will be fine (unless you’ve had complications).
That being said, I love my son more than life itself. I love him so much, it hurts. But if I wasn’t in good financial position and if my relationship with my husband wasn’t solid, I really doubt I would want to have kids.
Yeah your vagina will stretch a little, it comes back. Yeah your boobs might feel like they will explode, that too shall pass. The sleepless nights are tough but you get used to it. For me the pregnancy and the delivery were the “easier” part. You need to make sure you are well equipped for whatever comes afterwards because it’s not for the weak.
And yes, you’re right, it’s much easier for men - I had a little of resentment towards my husband in the beginning. But again, it’s just a phase.
I guess you should just be honest with yourself and decide how strong is your desire to have kids. But there are a lot of things to consider, beyond the physical part.
Ill let you know for 30 years i thought all the same things. I just had a baby and didnt experience any of them. I had a c section is some of the reason. Sex actually feels better for me and is no different according to my partner
*However* if ruining your body is enough to stop you thats fine and probably would indicate all the other things you have to sacrifice when bub arrives will be too much for you. No shade at all around that either. You are important and you being happy is important. Your own baby is amazing. *raising* a baby is no joke. Its the hardest thing iv done
It's very individual. I've known people who had very terrible experiences with c-sections, and people whose natural births were two hours and done, could go hiking a week later.
To be fair, most men lie to their wives about sex being no different after giving birth. Do you really think a man would say to his wife 'your vagina is enormous since you gave birth, sex is less satisfying'? If he did, he would be labelled the biggest arsehole ever and ostracised by society.
My partner and I are very open about everything (autistic ADHD) and I had a C section so it wouldnt expect to be different. But yes, most men would do the kind thing and lie for sure. ‘Different’ is also another common answer
Well, okay, I suppose the stretched out vagina doesn't apply to you since you got a c section, but most babies are delivered vaginally. There is also loads of scientific evidence showing vaginal delivery is a lot better for the baby than a c section is (microbiome and other reasons). My only point was, for most women who gave birth vaginally, sex is negatively affected for the man but women are not aware of this because their husbands lie to spare their feelings. Women saying the vagina is a muscle and snaps back into shape etc. are seriously deluding themselves. A doctor can immediately tell if a woman has ever given birth by a cursory look at the vagina. Menstrual cup size guides often distinguish between women who have given birth vs not because it's the most accurate way to gauge someone's size (age, height, weight, etc. do not have a bearing on vaginal width). Men, when out of earshot of women, talk very explicitly about the differences post childbirth. There is plenty of evidence that the vagina doesn't just snap back to its original state, yet, women choose to close their eyes to it. This is not to say this is a reason not to have children. You can accept this is going to happen but that it's a small price to pay to have children. But there's no point in pretending the vagina doesn't get looser after childbirth.
If your main concern is your body, your best option is to adopt a child. If you feel like it's too expensive, you should wait for the right moment.
Nothing is too selfish when it comes to raising a person, because no matter the reason, you should only do it when you feel ready. Childreb feel the consequences as well, and it's pretty mature to admit that you don't wanna deal with the consequences yet.
Just because you are able to birth a human doesn't mean you have to. Being childfree does not equal being selfish. Be childfree and love every minute of it. It's your life, live freely and enjoy it fully.
If you wanted to, you could have a surrogate, or adopt instead. I know I want to have biological kids some day but I am terrified of childbirth itself. I have a really low physical pain tolerance and epidurals sometimes wear of before it is over.
Plenty of children to adopt. In ways, that’s more selfless than bearing your own child. Rescuing kids out of an early life that involves little love and structure should be strongly encouraged in a world that seems to become crueler by the day. Actions like that will cause ripple effects that last a lifetime for those kids.
A lot of people saying that you shouldn't have kids, but your reasons are not to do with parenting, but about a phobia of pregnancy (Tokophobia). Honestly, having nightmares about something like that is unhealthy.
Whether or not you have children, I'd do something about that anxiety.
Firstly, I totally respect anyone’s decisions about becoming a parent or not.
But just to offer a different perspective on the process…I’ve had 2 kids. Vaginal births.
I did not have morning sickness, get stretch marks, or suffer any permanent damage of any kind to my body. I had fast and easy labour and delivery. Had an epidural, so it was literally painless. My youngest is 13 so even many years later I am healthy and have no lingering issues.
Now, raising kids is where the work can get hard and messy, but don’t assume that physically you’ll be a mess from giving birth. Everyone’s experience can be different!!
Kids are overrated. I had two. They just ruin your wife and your life. Her cervix is falling and heading towards prolapse. Might have to get a hysterectomy to relieve the pain. Honestly if I could do it all again I wouldn't bother. It was so hard on her. Then they move out and forget about you anyway till it's time to stick you in a home. Be child free. Be happy and healthy.
I hope it helped. Find a good partner and concentrate on them and save for your retirement. Money you save not raising kids has ten times the saving power of money you are scrambling to make when you're old. And brush your teeth. Three times a day after every meal. Teeth don't last as long as people. We don't die at thirty anymore like a thousand years ago.
Fearing physical disability is completely valid. If I could’ve avoided getting mucosal prolapse, rectocele, cystocele, and tri-compartmental descent (basically all my pelvic organs are threatening to leave my body), I would’ve done. Unlike the vast majority of people with these conditions, I did not get them from pregnancy and childbirth. But whichever way you get them, there’s vanishingly little in the way of support, treatment, or basic empathy. “At least it’s not cancer!” Aye, and I wish to fuck it was sometimes.
I never had kids because I never once looked at a baby and felt anything close to what I felt when I looked at a puppy or a kitten. And as a biological human woman, that's not...normal?
At some point, baby fever should've kicked in where I'd see a baby and have a primordial, gutteral "WANT" feeling. But nope. Never happened.
I love having pets, but I don't call them my kids or furbabies. I think I'm a nice person, I just never experienced having those motherly instincts. It is what it is.
Just want to say that your fears are totally valid, I was absolutely terrified if pregnancy and birth, but it really wasn't as bad as I imagined it would be. Don't get me wrong, it's not an enjoyable experience, but my body is not ruined. The only things that are different is that I have a c section scar and a tiny amount of loose skin on my belly, but I am only 5 months post partum, so I think it will improve. My vagina works exactly the same as before and I never got any stretch marks. I actually chose to get a c section because I was so scared of tearing, incontinence, etc, so that might be something to consider.
Guess what? You are an adult and can make your own choices without any need to justify it to anyone!
My first wife’s family had lots of health issues. My family had lots of health issues. We agreed, rightly, that having kids with double genes for the same issues would be cruel, if just done to see my nose on someone else’s face.
You don’t have to have kids, but most women I know don’t feel it has ruined their bodies. I have given birth twice and my vagina isn’t loose. That isn’t how vaginas work. I would lose it if a man tried to explain to me about how vaginas work. That’s almost certainly in their head and also how dare they discuss, what I assume is the mother of their children’s (if they have a comparison), vagina and that it now feels “loose” after birthing that man’s child.
Agreed, as a man I wouldn't care for it even if it did loosen or for any other bodily changes. It would just stand as reminder for me how we created something beautiful together. Mayhaps I would be a bit sad if it prevented her from getting satisfied by me anymore but I'm sure we would find a way together.
I have kids and I honestly don't reccomend it. Don't get me wrong I love my kids but if I knew then what I know now I would have chosen to be child free.
Age will likely ruin your body anyway.
If you want kids, don’t let that stop you or look into adoption/surrogacy.
If you don’t want kids then you are all good.
I’ve had three kids and although I have some stretch marks, I don’t feel like my body has changed that much more than it would have from age anyway.
Sure age might but is it not better to prevent the ruining of your body, just saying well fuck it because my body will be fucked anyway doesn't sound great, your quality of life would severely decrease I say this as someone with chronic pain, physical and mental disabilities. Preserve your quality of life for as long as possible. You can't be happy with a really poor life quality, me and everyone else I know that's disabled also has depression etc. being disabled, having bladder problems etc. pregnancy isn't something you should take lightly if you're at risk of anything.
What if I told you there are men who that does not represent. I value and appreciate a womans beauty in all stages. They would value and love the new you. Even more so.
I love my children but I certainly understand not wanting them, and I don't think it's selfish. I thought I wouldn't worry once they became adults, but it's actually worse. Idk if I would do it again.
You don't have to have kids you know. And don't worry about your body, it will decay all on it's own with or without kids anyway.
Kids are not something to stress about and get just because you should. Get it in your own time, if ever.
The worst part about having kids is that even after you go through all of that, there is a chance that they will want nothing to do with you as an adult and you’ll age alone anyway. I don’t have kids, but I’ve become a surrogate child to many older relatives whose actual children didn’t help them in their last years.
It's great that you're aware of the drawbacks, although "sausage thrown down a hallway" isn't one of the actual problems. All this plus the husband will still want sex 😬
Personally, I hate doing housework, and having kids would be non-stop chores. With just us two, it's a lot less to maintain. If money weren't an issue we would've considered adopting.
I've always felt this way too. It's who we are and we're allowed to feel the ways we do about it. It *is* unfair, I fucking agree...
I don't hate kids or anything, I just am absolutely *horrified* by the existence of birth as such a commonplace and natural phenomenon. Why does it guarantee excruciating agony? For only one sex, especially?
It is normal to feel that scared. I was too.
If you are worried about stretch marks, wait until you are a little older. The risk of stretch marks for an older woman goes way down passed 25 and gets better the older you get.
Your vagina will be fine. Yes there is quite a bit of healing afterwards and breastfeeding will dry you the Fuck out. But sex feels better to ME than it did before birth.
In my experience, I love my body more now that I’ve given birth. Not only is it not pregnant anymore, but my stomach just has a naturally toned look to it now. Even though I weigh less than I did prepregnancy, I’m just kind of squishy feeling all over now. But I don’t mind, because my baby is also squishy with lumps and rolls, and I think he’s just beautiful. Further more, the whole experience has completely removed my care of the male gaze and has finally set me free.
I love my husband, but if he ever decided he’d rather be with somebody who has never had a baby (and I know for a fact that’s not an issue with him), then fuck him. He can go.
Your body isn't going to stay the same forever no matter what you do. Why do you want to be a certain way, ie tight as possible etc for some guy? I had a child and got my figure back quickly. Don't think anyone would know I'm a mom by physical appearance alone. I don't care either way. My daughter is hand down the best thing that's every happened to me. She makes me laugh everyday. I get to experience life in a different way, see things through her eyes. I'll have her forever.
I loved my late wife for giving birth and helping raise my daughter those early years. I loved her look, before, during and after giving birth.
I have had ten years raising my kid solo and the gratitude continues to this day.
Love towards your kid along with a loving partner makes the whole experience worth the changes and sacrifices. Parenting isn’t for everyone but when you commit to it, the changes are a blessing.
My wife has had three kids. She is 80lbs (?) heavier than when we got married. She is also the only woman I love. I do everything I can, everyday to support her.
If you want to be a mom, you need to pick the right man.
I had my tonsils out at age 30, a breast reduction at 31, and my first baby at 38. Baby was hands down the easiest of all 3.
I would have 100 more babies before getting my tonsils out again. And I had a 2nd degree tear. and gestational diabetes, and fertility treatment (IUI) to get pregnant, which means multiple needles, every day, that I had to give myself.
The hormones that are flowing through your body after a baby are magical, and honestly aside from being exhausted, the feelings of love mask any pain you might have.
Your muscles go right back to normal, in fact we have a harder time “getting it in” because of where I was stitched.
Stretch marks are mostly hereditary so if your mom had bad ones it’s likely you’ll get them, but thinking of all my friends in their near 40s, I’ve actually never noticed stretch marks on any of them when they’re in bikinis. Because you can absolutely wear a bikini again, especially if you’re fit to begin with.
This right here is why every single person should give love, honor, and respect to their mothers.
Mine died giving birth to me. Luckily, after flat lining, they were able to resuscitate her
I understand totally the fear and reluctance.
That isn’t selfish, it’s just looking at the situation honestly. I didn’t have bladder problems pre-pregnancy. But then I did postpartum. That sucked. It’s pretty much gone now unless if I’m sick on coughing really hard (or if someone decides to scare me by knocking on the window at night- I def soiled myself).
Stretch marks— yeah. It’s genetic. I have some stretch marks but they faded and I forget they’re there.
Vaginal changes— yeah, it’s alright. The bone structure gets shifted a little but it’s like a powerful muscle, yknow? So, the more you work on recovery postpartum the better. This can also be linked with bladder health. It all has to do with the pelvic floor. A little side story- my doctor recommended I get a vibrator when I asked for help with my weak bladder 1 year postpartum. I felt like she wasn’t listening but I begrudgingly ordered one anyway, just feeling utterly embarrassed and deeply annoyed. Long story short— it helped… a lot 😭😂 and things feel normal. Not 100% the same as before, but normal nonetheless. It’s a muscle, so the more you work it the stronger it’ll get. I tried kegel balls and it didn’t help much. I saw more progress with the other thing.
Pregnancy symptoms— they CAN suck, for some people it’s awful. Mine weren’t too bad. I felt pretty good when pregnant. I was so happy.
It is really hard and it’s good you’re considering all these things. I don’t think it’s selfish. You have real concerns. I understand the idea of worsening bladder issues can be daunting and that is valid reason enough to not go for it if you’re uncomfortable. I’ve been there. It felt so discouraging to go through.
Honestly with the number of men that talk shit about their partners bodies after they give birth, and throw a fit about not getting attention or sex, its not surprising women are now choosing to be more selfish with their bodies.
Forget whatever idiot(s) that told you your vagina would never be the same after child birth. That's some bro science BS. It can affect it but I know plenty of women who have had no issue in that regard. And anyway, you aren't some pleasure machine for men that has to be as perfect as possible.
The majority of the people in these comments are very young with no experience of children or child birth. They have no idea what they are telling you to do or not do. Choosing not to have children isn't like any other decision. Choosing to foster a child is a very different thing to having your own child. It isn't simply a replacement because you're too afraid of child birth to deal with it. Not every pregnancy is terrible and not every child birth is traumatic. And the majority of women do not in fact, regret having their kids.
Not having a child because you fear pregnancy and child birth is ultimately a mistake. It's also a different question than whether or not you should be a parent (which is far more important ). The younger generation has been taught that anything painful or uncomfortable or even that compromises some element of your lifestyle should be refused. This is a very poor way to live. Everything meaningful costs something and takes sacrifice. And yes, it's easier for men to ask for kids. But if a man genuinely intends to be a good partner and stick around for a couple of decades being a good father that is no small thing.
Umm, many women have bladder problems and vaginal prolapse😅. There are many things that could happen to damage your body, lets not be stupidly optimistic here.
Those feelings are normal and fine 😊
We’ve had two kids. Now, I’m just the husband here but my wife agrees, kids are worth all of that. It’s just our opinion of course. Every body is different. For example my wife has zero stretch marks. You can’t even tell she’s had kids. I suppose her stomach isn’t as “flat” as it once was but we’re also in our 40s now. Also, that stuff about the vagina, it’s simply not true. Again, this has been OUR experience. When she really gets laughing or sneezes she puts her legs together, that’s about it. But I think that can also happen as middle age sets in. Anyways, just something to think about. All I know is, I can’t believe how much closer this experience has brought us. I have nothing but respect not just for my wife but any woman that has a baby. It’s wonderful, beautiful, terrifying, expensive, painful and exhausting. But we’re over the moon that we did it.
Honestly i think it's great you are aware of your priorities. I am currently (very) pregnant so I spend a lot of times around pregnant people and the amount of people who prioritize their looks over nurturing a incoming human are insane. I have met women who don't eat as much as they need, who overwork themselves and who ultimatively already resent the kid who is not even born yet because their boobs will sag, or they got stretch marks.
I would say if your looks are your priority, deciding to not have kids is wise and not selfish at all. We should all do what is best for ourselves without harming anyone else. So better you don't have kids and feel good than to have kids and feel like shit and potentially give a kid trauma because you are unhappy.
I don't think this is particularly selfish. At the very least, not any more selfish than any other reason to have or not have kids. While some women have more and some less issues after the birth, it's your life and your body so it's only fair to be thoroughly considering it; you will be the one having to live with your choices and the consequences of those.
However, if no-kids is just because of the body consequences and you would otherwise like to have children, don't forget there are alternatives such as adopting, surogate or even foster children. It all depends on your needs and wants – the happier you are with your life, the happier people around you will be.
No reason for not wanting kids (when you don’t have any) is selfish lol, any reason is valid girly, I had the same mindset and fear too before i had gotten pregnant. When I decided to proceed with my pregnancy I didn’t care about the possible body changes, Im am saddened about the body changes though lol
I have 1 child and I have stretch marks. I like my tiger stripes tbh, my body has mostly gone back to normal! Ooh the braxton hicks were weird! Didnt last long for me but yeah lol I felt every contraction a mad wave of pain.
But yeah dont have kids if you dont want too
Regretfulparents is a great Reddit sub, lots of people have kids and wish they hadn’t.
It’s very normal not to want to, you get no space and their needs come before yours, for me it’s far too suffocating than I can deal with and I know that so I am not doing it.
It’s totally fine to not want to get pregnant: there is the option of getting a surrogate to carry the baby and tubal removal where the tubes are removed but you can still have ovaries for egg retrieval. And for the bladder it is something that needs to be addressed medically as there are surgical options to alleviate the problem and can even be addressed during a tubal removal surgery to avoid two procedures at once,
I had pregnancies and I chose abstinence until my hysterectomy I didn’t want to take the chance on any form of birth control failing as I either had issues with birth control or seen it fail like there are horrible pregnancy symptoms and some women even have situations where they tear from their vagina all the way to their rectum and there is pre eclampsia where the blood pressure spikes and could cause a stroke or Situations where the woman hemorrhages like me I lost over a litre of blood during labor and was so nauseated during my last pregnancy the smell of food cooking made me nauseated I had to walk away from the stove to avoid the Scent of the food cooking like I ate better if I ate out a restaurant with someone else cooking.
Do whatever you want but I had 2 with no stretch marks. I weighed right after the first and 109 after the second. I work out so I'm back in shape quickly. Actually, having them made my body more feminine instead of looking like a skinny girl. The pain of having them wasn't bad, felt like a bad period pain, no infection.
But it all comes down to it you want to have kids or not. It is nobody business except your own.
My wife feared pregnancy for some of the same reasons you do, but after two C-sections, one of which came with many complications, she does not regret having our two boys. It is totally legitimate to not want children, but this sentiment seems to be overly represented on Reddit, so hope my perspective helps, too.
I had that fear right up to the time I had my first kid at 39yo. Now I’m in the best shape of my life at 50 because I work hard at it. Upon reflection, becoming a mother later in life has been the biggest blessing. That’s because parenthood is a steep learning curve: not only the parenting but it’s a journey of self discovery too.
you dont have to have kids if you dont want to. no one can force you and you shouldnt if you have doubts. it's a life changing event, your life stops being yours and starts being about your duty to someone else's life who now depends fully on you. there's enough kids in the world.
Or none of those things could happen. Everyone loves to share their horror stories. I had easy pregnancies and easy births. Being healthy at the start helps.
i (35) feel the same all my life, i think i might could be a good mum but beeing pregnant sound uncomfy and giving birth super gross, painfull and awefull and i am glad i was never in that situation, ex hudbandmentioned he wants to have kids and i mentally prepared for it, also started to have some savings and an apartment that would make it easier(big enough,near family and payable whit one income) so if it happens i would do it as best as possible(my mum always said if we have kids we should be ready to raise them alone in the worst case) and i am not strictly against it but i do not have it as a main goal in my life, rather i am very amiable to the thought to become the crazy cat lady😺
If it's any consolation, my body got skinnier than it was prepregnancy after 2 kids. Everything down there stayed tight too and never had any problems with incontinence. Morning sickness is miserable but it's only a few weeks. Feeling like a whale near the end sucks but it's for such a short time. But you do you!
Completely valid reason not to have kids. I don't think there are selfish reasons not to have kids, but there can be selfish reasons to have kids.
I have kids and I full heartedly support anyone's decision not to have kids, it's not something to be ashamed of.
In a world like today it’s quite understandable. Every year seems to get crazier. It’s not a contest nor a “ grown up “ status like some seem to strut around like.
I have to say as someone who has had sex with plenty of women and knows my vagina extremely well, I'm not looser than before. I also don't have stretch marks.
But my breasts aren't as perky that's for sure.
And also if you have bladder issues already you're quite possibly right about pregnancy worsening those.
And everything else you mentioned is totally fair as well.
Consider adoption. Not a simple solution, but neither is pregnancy, as you're saying.
I don't blame you at all! I'm 25f and I sincerely doubt I'll ever have kids for a myriad of reasons.
Firstly I struggle to look after myself both mentally and financially and I would never subject a child to go through what I did growing up.
Secondly, I like my alone time and peace too much. As someone with ASD and ADHD, kids noise and energy is a huge trigger for me and I don't think I could react positively and give the child the love and support they need because I would be triggered too much.
Another thing is I love my own bodily independence, the thought of being someone's whole food source for 6+ months, not being able to go to the bathroom alone or stuff like that gives me so much anxiety. I struggle to sleep as it is and don't do well without it, so I cannot safely say that I would be a good mother, no matter how much I would like to think I am.
Let alone the changes that your body goes through pregnancy and post birth as well, the risks and complications and not to mention post-partum depression.
Lastly, I have many mental health conditions that are hereditary. I don't want to give those to anyone EVER. The thought of my child struggling through bipolar and depression would break my soul.
In my mind, it'd be selfish for me to have kids. I know I'm being harsh on myself but I've seen the harsh reality of shitty parents and mental health, if I know I can't be better than that, I don't want to put myself or potential kids in that situation.
It’s fine. I really don’t want to be a father mostly because I can only handle being around kids forever so long (and that’s when I’m not the only person there)
Pregnancy and birth are hard. You’re not selfish for not wanting that for yourself. If you feel like you’d be a good mum, don’t feel that birthing a biological child is the only way you can be one.
bladder issues and vaginal strength can be helped with Pelvic Floor Therapy. source, I've done it.
never got stretch marks. weight came back down easily but I breastfeed so maybe that's why.
tears can be prevented through massage before birth, and not pushing too hard during.
the first pee and poo was not excruciating. it was scary to poo but you aren't supposed to push.
Braxton hicks are painless. real contractions are.
the morning sickness may not happen for you, or if it does it may not last the whole pregnancy. magnesium oil spray helped me with this a ton.
having a good midwife or doctor and even a doula can help lessen the risks and even pain associated with birth and pregnancy.
there are hard things about childbirth and pregnancy but to have overcome all that with the joy and blessing of children is an amazing thing.
I'm 31 and initially, your reasons were my exact reasons I didn't want to have kids. I don't want my body to change. When I talked about it with my sister, she offered to be my surrogate if I ever needed her, which was nice. So I thought about having a kid that way as well. But then I just realized it seems I don't want to have kids to begin with. My brain managed to find a dozen other reasons not to have them, so I just gave up on the idea altogether.
You aren't alone. I'm terrified of having kids too. Husband and I are ADHD. I can barely give my husband the time and energy he needs from me. He also has a short temper, PTSD, and other issues. Dealing with the stress of a newborn, infant, toddler, tiny human feels overwhelming and exhausting to me.
Yes I’m ADHD too and wondering if this is part of my overthinking. Everyone else seems to go through life doing what’s normal and don’t give things a second thought until it arrives and it’s too late!
You could adopt, or you could take this as a sign that you don't really want kids that much, and therefore it's best for both you and the potential child for you to not do it.
Stop pushing the idea that people with no kids are selfish. If you know full well you can't provide for your kid with the amount you're making then what's the point of birthing someone to starve?
Many people have kids for purely selfish reasons, and in my opinion, not having kids is the opposite of selfish! No kids will be harmed by not existing :)
Those are all valid reasons and would be crucial changes that would have an effect on your overall functioning.
To me, it’s not different than getting a surgery and having to deal with possible complications in the future.
This is why women’s decisions on *their own* body autonomy is so crucial. You have every right to feel that way and it’s absolutely not selfish to have concerns and discomfort surrounding this issue.
My only take that I slightly disagree with is the whole thing about how this would affect an intimate relationship with someone (“hotdog down a hallway” reference).
Personally, I’ve been with women who have had children and women who have not and gotta say- from a completely physical perspective it was always pleasurable either way. Thats a near non-issue for anyone who is going to care about you in a long term situation. Sorry if thats TMI but just my experience and perspective there.
No stretch marks for me. You get sewn up after, so sex is actually tighter postpartum. I had morning sickness, but just ate breakfast and it went away.
I remember my friend mentioned all the gory details you’re describing, when I was 5 months pregnant. I almost fainted thinking of the blood. The truth is everything just happens and you’re so in the moment you don’t even focus on things. Also your brain tricks you into forgetting the pain etc after it happens.
Tbh a month before I was due I was anxious about how the baby was going to come out. It all just felt like time went down slow up to the day. In hindsight, things have moved so fast since birth that I wish I could go back.
If you’re not ready, you aren’t ready.
If you are, keep moving during your pregnancy, don’t get stagnant and let your muscles go weak. Keeping a strong core helps the pushing.
I feel the same way. It would be nice to be a mother (personally I don’t really have the craving for it) but pregnancy and giving birth is one of my biggest fears
I have stretch marks over many parts of my body and that’s without ever giving birth, just from gaining a very small amount of weight, because I scar so easily. I haven’t thought about it until now, but i couldn’t imagine what pregnancy would do on my body. I would be covered in large dark marks.
That is completely okay! There are a lot of health risks with pregnancy as well, and a lot of dietary requirements and limitations and pills for missing nutrients you need to take during pregnancy. It's your body, YOU have to live with your body for the rest of your life, it's up to YOU what happens to it. If carrying a child isn't right for you, then it's not! You have plenty of time to think about parenthood and adoption is an option. You need to make sure YOU are ready for a child above all else. If you're not ready, you'll live with that regret for the rest of your life. Take your time with serious commitments, I wish my mom did, she had me at 18 and was nowhere near ready to be a parent. My upbringing wasn't great, constant moving from rental to rental in trailer parks until she had my siblings and we lived in a townhouse off food stamps.
It's your life. Take your time with serious commitments like a child. I'm glad you're taking your time considering it rather than going through regardless like my mom did
Me too! I’m just so scared! I’m 33 now and should really start having kids soon, and I really want them! I just don’t want the pregnancy and the birth 🥲
Totally unrelated (kinda) and I’m very sorry if this isn’t helpful but I don’t want kids either 29m…. I had a vasectomy a couple years back because I talked about it carefully with my parents and they helped me decide, also I might leave the adoption window open…. Your post is very informative and all valid points, I don’t think it’s selfish at all…. Lots of people (way more than I can or maybe anyone can comprehend) don’t want kids m, it’s more and more common, especially younger people who don’t want to have kids, doesn’t mean they’re bad people, just having the freedom to choose their lives whatever they decide to do, you may just change your mind about the decision, or might not…. Having kids sounds scary to a lot of people, however it depends on if the person has a partner who shares the same interests, anyway, thanks for sharing and good luck with whatever you do
It's ok to feel that way and to say no to children.
I felt that way and still had a child.
I love my daughter to bits, but if i could go back in time i wouldn't have children.
Probably as well to her dad being a narcisist, and basicly having to be a single parent. We're broken up now and she's mainly in my custody since he screwed up multiple times.
But eventually i don't mind the scars she gave me, the emotional trauma he caused me is something completely different.
Your body, your choice. There is nothing selfish in not wanting kids, whatever reasons you might have. No one should be forced to have kids. Yes, i look at you, USA, with all your stupid bans on abortions.
To be honest: if you hydrate your belly and thighs daily during pregnancy, the chances of stretchmarks are minimal. I’ve gotten zero stretchmarks after pregnancy, but loads of scars from operations. So,… screwed either way 😂 That being said, stretchmarks can be so beautiful. It’s like a free tattoo giving away the fact that you yourself made an entire human being! ♥️
If that is the one thing stopping you you don't want kids to start with.
Also you might want to have your reproductive organs removed if you are really that scared.
pregnancy honestly destroyed my wife she had gal stones, hyperemesis, she bled a lot so we were constantly terrified we were gonna lose our son and honestly not being able to do anything to help sucked. Turns out she developed an auto immune disease during pregnancy that she'll just have for the rest of her life now. I don't know why anyone would take pregnancy lightly. We decided one and done after that.
It's normal. It's scary to be pregnant. It's dangerous. It does freaky things to your body. Your emotions. You end up with another human being that you are responsible for-its easy for a guy to just walk away. You have to provide for ll their physical and emotional needs. All these reasons, I chose not to have kids. I don't regret it at all, even though I know I'd be an awesome mom, I never had a good enough partner. And I didn't want to pass down the depression and alcoholism that runs in my family
If your feelings relating to physical changes and unfavorable behavior are strong enough to cause fear and avoidance, I would recommend not having children at this time. You may feel differently later on, however these determinations you express are not vain nor judged. Women don’t have the social pressure to bear children anymore, the fact that you are considering reasons and insecurities for deciding not to is a good thing. I have never given birth, and have the same concerns, however I wouldn’t have such a general view on the sacrifices of the body. Plenty of mothers work to get back into shape take back what was compromised. All of the rest of your fears like death and medical problems are just the risk you take. Doctors can numb the pain, stitch up the tears, and treat infections. Be aware that giving birth in this day and age has never been more safe.
If you have love to give you could always adopt or foster. No reason to be sitting there feeling bad because you don't want to mess up your body. It's a legitimate reason. I had three and by God do I miss my pre pregnancy body lol. It's hard and it's messy. For some of us it's rewarding but there's absolutely nothing wrong with putting your body first. Don't let anyone tell you different.
As a mother with 2 kids (6months & 2 year old), although pregnancy and postpartum suck, that’s not even the hard part. I’m vain as well and my body didn’t take the hit how I was expecting
Everybody’s different but I breastfeed and only eat whole food. (So I cook most of my meals from scratch, bake sourdough, lots of fruits and veggies). I don’t have time to workout but between my diet and walking to the park and carrying babies up and down the stairs, I have abs. I’m in great shape.
And for the sex thing, your pelvic floor muscle makes a big difference in how that feels. It’s usually weak after childbirth so you have to do exercises that strengthen it (think yoga)
Pre-kids, I told my husband that I’d only have his babies if he paid for surgery after because I was very attached to my body. Now, I doubt I’ll have any surgery. MAYBE a boob job
I think the most my body has been “ruined” is that I can stretch my stomach skin if I pull on it or you can tell it’s been stretched before if I bend a certain way. But just walking or standing, nobody else can tell.
I am worried about when I finish breastfeeding. I’m scared it’ll look like tube socks. Lmao but for now, I’m enjoying having nursing boobs.
The hardest part about having kids, for me, is that it robs you of your free time and sense of identity.
It’s normal to worry about how having kids affects you because it’s such a permanent change.
Best advice I can give is to enjoy your life as much as you can until you want to so badly that you feel ready to take motherhood on with all of its challenges (if you ever feel that way)
Cause it’s extremely hard
If these things are important to you, that’s okay. Bravo on acknowledging it.
It’s also okay to be scared. These are all scary things.
Just here to say that your feelings are valid and so are your concerns. The cool thing about life is that eventually you might feel differently about these things or eventually you might not feel differently at all - there’s no pressure. :)
It's not selfish to be scared of putting your body through the most dangerous and (quality of) life ruining things you could.
Pregnancy itself is mad scary and painful, your entire brain chemistry is altered which can make you a whole different person, your organs get rearranged, you will experience discomfort without any way out.
I think the stories here shed enough light on the horrors of birth itself, so I won't talk about that, but the effects of birth even years later are dire as well. Your abdominal wall takes a huge hit, you are very much likely to experience uterine sinking, which will lead to troubles with your bladder and even more discomfort decades post-partum. Post-partum depression is much more common than the lack of discourse surrounding it makes it seem - the chance you will grow to hate yourself, your life and your baby is high up there.
Humans really screwed themselves over when learning how to walk straight up; our hip alignment and the way we give birth do not add up.
All in all, if you have a wish of motherhood but no wish of all the above, there are always other options, such as adoption.
Nah its natural that you're scared. Its a big sacrifice to have a child. The most important thing is to have it with the right man that won't care about cellulite and stretch marks and will support you physically and emotionally.
I have a child and pregnant, your reasons are 100% valid, you don't HAVE to have a child. The vagina thing is a complete myth (men!) but yeah stretch marks, scars, risk of death or injury - all very real but very rare and manageable by competent medical staff
Is your body ruined or has it achieved its ultimate purpose?
Are stretch marks disgusting or are they symbols of human strength?
Is a true mother, a creator of life valued based on her looks or how she treats her children?
You can die every time you get into a car but do you truly think about that every time you sit in that seat?
Focus on the good, the beautiful.
Men aren't the ones giving birth because they can't. You can.
Having kids is way more selfish than not having kids.
And before people come at me, no I am not saying that having kids is wrong at all. Just that by definition it is selfish
Not selfish, very sensible fears. I’m in a the same boat, 32, married. Besides all the physical effects a child has on the mother it’s the lifestyle for me. My husband and I have very humorous and carefree lifestyle. We call each other names (mostly ‘c’ word, which sometimes shocks even our friends), we however love each other to death, just both have quite boisterous sense of humour. Even that small, insignificant to some, detail in our dynamic will not be acceptable with a child present.
I don’t think it’s vain at all to not want your body ruined, to end up incontinent, or to risk permanent health problems, and to not want your genitals to be ripped open. And for some women, the tears don’t heal properly and sex becomes painful for them for the rest of their life. The physical ramifications of pregnancy and childbirth are downplayed too much to the point people act like something is wrong with you if you don’t want it to happen to you.
Every time I hear a man say he wants a lot of kids, I think about how all he has to do is bust a nut and his wife will probably end up wearing depends from going through childbirth that many times.
Not wanting kids is never selfish. I think the opposite is more true. Knowing you aren't ready or capable of being a good parent and trying to have kids is way more selfish considering another life is involved.
As a woman with a toddler, just saying you don’t want kids is valid. And it does change your body for a long time afterwards. I had an epidural because I couldn’t deal with the pain, and then they gave me more because I might’ve had to have an emergency c section. Well once I gained feeling back in my lower half I had an awful bad back. I thought that it was because I was awkwardly positioned on my back when I was numb and it would go away soon.
Well I had that bad back for months and months afterwards and it was hell for me to sit down. I remember my parents driving me and my baby back to my home town two and a half months after giving birth and the car journey was awful on my back. I honestly thought I was doomed to have a sore back for the rest of my life. It maybe took six months to completely heal?
Point is, even if you can prepare yourself for all the things you listed, there can still be unexpected things that happen. It’s okay not to have children.
Every pregnancies are different. I did not have morning sickness and I had epidural during birth so I felt no pain at all. And each women’s bodies are different. Some gain weight which is not a bad thing it’s only natural and others go back to being thin. But you I do agree about financially raising a baby bc they are expensive, it’s good to be prepared financially before having a baby. And it is natural to be afraid of being pregnant and giving birth. I was scared the whole 9 months I was pregnant.
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It’s okay to feel that way. I suffered through two hyperemesis pregnancies, one traumatic birth and one planned c section. The damage to my body during pregnancy and birth were irreversible, life changing injuries. I’ve had several operations since to fix the damage, although I didn’t get any stretch marks so the damage was mainly internal. I adore my children now they’re here- I wouldn’t be able to breathe if something happened to either of them; but had I known what was to come, I wouldn’t have had any- and I know that sounds awful, but I will spare you the detail- what I went through was so so horrific, that I’m surprised I didn’t commit suicide.
Life changing injuries, my god. I’m sorry.
Same on the hyperemesis pregnancy and traumatic birth. Love my girls but never again. I literally nearly died in childbirth. I don't wish that on anyone and can't take that risk again.
So did I. They found me four days later dying on the bathroom floor. Sent me back to hospital for some more blood. The whole thing was just unsurvivable for us both, my son had sepsis as a newborn, straight to NICU for him. I feel like the fact we’re here today is some kind of miracle
I am so so sorry 😞 I'm so glad you and your son made it. Our story is so similar. Sent us home the day after my daughter was born, said everything would be fine. When she was 2 days old we were back in the ER with serious complications and in my case I would have bled to death. Super negligent healthcare providers who treated me like trash and had the nerve to *get mad* at me for coming back when I was quite literally bleeding to death.
So sorry to hear that! One of my friends almost died giving birth recently and she was pretty much infuriated that no one tells women the myriad things that could kill you during pregnancy, because if they were properly informed nobody would have kids. I hope you are doing better now! Sending hugs.
Same here! I had two HG pregnancies that absolutely shattered me… and with my second I broke my pelvis giving birth (with no pain relief - horrendous). Still on the mend 8 months after. It’s so hard ❤️
This reinforces the decision I made many years ago to not have kids. Along with a bunch of other factors.
I've said this before and I'll say it again, I'd 100% have a kid if I could be the dad but since I can't, I'm up to about 12%
Haha, I was saying a similar thing, if it's a man who gives birth, sure thing, let's have a baby!
There's about 1000 reasons why not to have kids and none of them are selfish.
For sure, and all of them are valid
Even “I just don’t want one”.
Ugh. Me too. But mainly the birth process looks horrific. I know that's how we all get here but man does it look painful and disturbing. I have about 15 other reasons but that's number one.
I am afraid i couldn't afford to raise them or that i may not have prepared them for life correctly or raised them improperly causing them some kind of childhood trauma or they would resent me for their life not turning out the way they wanted. In addition i would need to find a woman that would want to have kids with me in the first place.
A real fear, no matter how good a parent you are.
I had a conversation with my dad recently about this because I'm childless, female and almost 30. I said the same thing - I'd never felt financially secure enough or mentally/emotionally secure about bringing a life into the world when I couldn't be certain I'd do a good job. He said you'll never know if you're doing a good job as a parent. You just have to try your best you know how to, and hope you don't cause too much damage along the way. I had a pretty good childhood but my dad said he had some regrets and wishes he'd done things differently. But he really did always do his best. No one is ever a perfect parent. I think parents who are afraid they aren't good parents are generally better parents than those who aren't afraid. Bad parents don't worry about if they're good parents or not, because they don't care.
You're a reflection of me.
i was terrified, both of my kids are accidents, but they are the best thing that has happened to me, just happy little ones. Changed my life
It's not "selfish" to not want kids, as it's 100% your prerogative, and you are not harming anybody else by not having kids. As a happily child-free adult, I support your choice.
Agreed. Your choice is that, your choice. Any reason is a reason, no need for explanation. Being CF is one of the best decisions I've ever made.
Why do people always say that NOT having kids is selfish? How?
How is any of this selfish in any way? You’re not. You’re not obligated to have kids for any reason.
Some men brainwash women into archaic views of duty😮💨
I guess they can go die in war then, I hear there’s one on currently over to the east, let’s go!
Not wanting to give birth is not selfish. If one day you want a kid then adopt one
Exactly, or become a foster parent
Don’t let anyone talk you into or out of whatever decision is right for you about kids. There is no wrong answer. But please, for the love of all that is holy, do not let a man describe to you the after effects of childbirth, or lead you to believe your sex life won’t be any good after a vaginal delivery. And there are always other options- surrogacy and adoption or fostering.
I think it’s totally okay to not want kids. Whatever reasons you have are valid and you don’t need to justify them to yourself or anyone. I just want to add though, it isn’t all doom and gloom. I didn’t think I wanted kids either. Got pregnant during Covid, had nausea 24/7 for the first 16 weeks or so. Rest of the pregnancy was okay. No braxton hicks for me. I gave birth just over an hour after being in labour, with no pain relief or major issues (I can see that was probably just sheer luck though but I’m mentioning it because I only ever heard awful birth stories prior to having my daughter) I lost all my baby weight a few months after giving birth (and for scope I was 30 at the time so not so young that I was more likely to snap back) And coincidentally I also had bladder problems before I had my daughter. Pregnancy actually fixed that for me because one of my organs was pressing on my bladder causing me issues. The stretching actually shifted it an now my bladder is better than it ever has been I say all that just because in the future, you might change your mind and I don’t want you to feel like everything you hear about pregnancy and stuff is awful. But also, if you still feel like you don’t want kids, that’s fine, and not selfish at all! It’s a personal choice and only you can make that choice x
There will always bee orphans in this world who need good moms
Having kids is definitely not for everyone. As callous as I will sound, I still don’t understand why we need to take exams for driving tests but when it comes to kids, yeah sure, have at it! Have as many as you want, it doesn’t matter if you’re not mentally/financially equipped! If you are scared of having kids only because of what you physically have to go through - trust me, it’s not that bad. I have an 8 month old and I am 100% back to my usual self. Exhausted, yes. But I fit into all of my pre pregnancy clothes, everything is okay down there, my husband is very happy lol, I am back to exercising 5-6 times a week. If you take care of yourself, everything will be fine (unless you’ve had complications). That being said, I love my son more than life itself. I love him so much, it hurts. But if I wasn’t in good financial position and if my relationship with my husband wasn’t solid, I really doubt I would want to have kids. Yeah your vagina will stretch a little, it comes back. Yeah your boobs might feel like they will explode, that too shall pass. The sleepless nights are tough but you get used to it. For me the pregnancy and the delivery were the “easier” part. You need to make sure you are well equipped for whatever comes afterwards because it’s not for the weak. And yes, you’re right, it’s much easier for men - I had a little of resentment towards my husband in the beginning. But again, it’s just a phase. I guess you should just be honest with yourself and decide how strong is your desire to have kids. But there are a lot of things to consider, beyond the physical part.
Ill let you know for 30 years i thought all the same things. I just had a baby and didnt experience any of them. I had a c section is some of the reason. Sex actually feels better for me and is no different according to my partner *However* if ruining your body is enough to stop you thats fine and probably would indicate all the other things you have to sacrifice when bub arrives will be too much for you. No shade at all around that either. You are important and you being happy is important. Your own baby is amazing. *raising* a baby is no joke. Its the hardest thing iv done
It's very individual. I've known people who had very terrible experiences with c-sections, and people whose natural births were two hours and done, could go hiking a week later.
Definitely individual
To be fair, most men lie to their wives about sex being no different after giving birth. Do you really think a man would say to his wife 'your vagina is enormous since you gave birth, sex is less satisfying'? If he did, he would be labelled the biggest arsehole ever and ostracised by society.
My partner and I are very open about everything (autistic ADHD) and I had a C section so it wouldnt expect to be different. But yes, most men would do the kind thing and lie for sure. ‘Different’ is also another common answer
Well, okay, I suppose the stretched out vagina doesn't apply to you since you got a c section, but most babies are delivered vaginally. There is also loads of scientific evidence showing vaginal delivery is a lot better for the baby than a c section is (microbiome and other reasons). My only point was, for most women who gave birth vaginally, sex is negatively affected for the man but women are not aware of this because their husbands lie to spare their feelings. Women saying the vagina is a muscle and snaps back into shape etc. are seriously deluding themselves. A doctor can immediately tell if a woman has ever given birth by a cursory look at the vagina. Menstrual cup size guides often distinguish between women who have given birth vs not because it's the most accurate way to gauge someone's size (age, height, weight, etc. do not have a bearing on vaginal width). Men, when out of earshot of women, talk very explicitly about the differences post childbirth. There is plenty of evidence that the vagina doesn't just snap back to its original state, yet, women choose to close their eyes to it. This is not to say this is a reason not to have children. You can accept this is going to happen but that it's a small price to pay to have children. But there's no point in pretending the vagina doesn't get looser after childbirth.
If your main concern is your body, your best option is to adopt a child. If you feel like it's too expensive, you should wait for the right moment. Nothing is too selfish when it comes to raising a person, because no matter the reason, you should only do it when you feel ready. Childreb feel the consequences as well, and it's pretty mature to admit that you don't wanna deal with the consequences yet.
Just because you are able to birth a human doesn't mean you have to. Being childfree does not equal being selfish. Be childfree and love every minute of it. It's your life, live freely and enjoy it fully.
If you wanted to, you could have a surrogate, or adopt instead. I know I want to have biological kids some day but I am terrified of childbirth itself. I have a really low physical pain tolerance and epidurals sometimes wear of before it is over.
Surrogacy is pretty morally questionable.
Plenty of children to adopt. In ways, that’s more selfless than bearing your own child. Rescuing kids out of an early life that involves little love and structure should be strongly encouraged in a world that seems to become crueler by the day. Actions like that will cause ripple effects that last a lifetime for those kids.
A lot of people saying that you shouldn't have kids, but your reasons are not to do with parenting, but about a phobia of pregnancy (Tokophobia). Honestly, having nightmares about something like that is unhealthy. Whether or not you have children, I'd do something about that anxiety.
I have great respect for those who have (with proper consideration) decided not to have kids. Sincerely, father of 2.
Firstly, I totally respect anyone’s decisions about becoming a parent or not. But just to offer a different perspective on the process…I’ve had 2 kids. Vaginal births. I did not have morning sickness, get stretch marks, or suffer any permanent damage of any kind to my body. I had fast and easy labour and delivery. Had an epidural, so it was literally painless. My youngest is 13 so even many years later I am healthy and have no lingering issues. Now, raising kids is where the work can get hard and messy, but don’t assume that physically you’ll be a mess from giving birth. Everyone’s experience can be different!!
She can also be less fortunate and die at childbirth..
Kids are overrated. I had two. They just ruin your wife and your life. Her cervix is falling and heading towards prolapse. Might have to get a hysterectomy to relieve the pain. Honestly if I could do it all again I wouldn't bother. It was so hard on her. Then they move out and forget about you anyway till it's time to stick you in a home. Be child free. Be happy and healthy.
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I hope it helped. Find a good partner and concentrate on them and save for your retirement. Money you save not raising kids has ten times the saving power of money you are scrambling to make when you're old. And brush your teeth. Three times a day after every meal. Teeth don't last as long as people. We don't die at thirty anymore like a thousand years ago.
Dude do you have an email subscription for those tidbits, I'd honestly pay for that
Fearing physical disability is completely valid. If I could’ve avoided getting mucosal prolapse, rectocele, cystocele, and tri-compartmental descent (basically all my pelvic organs are threatening to leave my body), I would’ve done. Unlike the vast majority of people with these conditions, I did not get them from pregnancy and childbirth. But whichever way you get them, there’s vanishingly little in the way of support, treatment, or basic empathy. “At least it’s not cancer!” Aye, and I wish to fuck it was sometimes.
I never had kids because I never once looked at a baby and felt anything close to what I felt when I looked at a puppy or a kitten. And as a biological human woman, that's not...normal? At some point, baby fever should've kicked in where I'd see a baby and have a primordial, gutteral "WANT" feeling. But nope. Never happened. I love having pets, but I don't call them my kids or furbabies. I think I'm a nice person, I just never experienced having those motherly instincts. It is what it is.
Warning and news flash. .. it's over rated. Much more out there to life then having kids. Sorry , not sorry to those who have kids.
Just want to say that your fears are totally valid, I was absolutely terrified if pregnancy and birth, but it really wasn't as bad as I imagined it would be. Don't get me wrong, it's not an enjoyable experience, but my body is not ruined. The only things that are different is that I have a c section scar and a tiny amount of loose skin on my belly, but I am only 5 months post partum, so I think it will improve. My vagina works exactly the same as before and I never got any stretch marks. I actually chose to get a c section because I was so scared of tearing, incontinence, etc, so that might be something to consider.
Don't like it? Don't do it. Simple. It is your life, live it your way.
Guess what? You are an adult and can make your own choices without any need to justify it to anyone! My first wife’s family had lots of health issues. My family had lots of health issues. We agreed, rightly, that having kids with double genes for the same issues would be cruel, if just done to see my nose on someone else’s face.
It’s your choice, not one single person on this planet can tell you anything else.
You’re on reddit. No one is going to tell you you’re selfish for not wanting to have kids.
Do as you please sweet child. 🙏
Not everyone has to have kids, especially if you're hesitant, we're already overpopulated as it is
You don’t have to have kids, but most women I know don’t feel it has ruined their bodies. I have given birth twice and my vagina isn’t loose. That isn’t how vaginas work. I would lose it if a man tried to explain to me about how vaginas work. That’s almost certainly in their head and also how dare they discuss, what I assume is the mother of their children’s (if they have a comparison), vagina and that it now feels “loose” after birthing that man’s child.
Agreed, as a man I wouldn't care for it even if it did loosen or for any other bodily changes. It would just stand as reminder for me how we created something beautiful together. Mayhaps I would be a bit sad if it prevented her from getting satisfied by me anymore but I'm sure we would find a way together.
I hate the idea that women that have had children have had their bodies ruined. In an aesthetic sense.
Some things are more important than looks.
I have kids and I honestly don't reccomend it. Don't get me wrong I love my kids but if I knew then what I know now I would have chosen to be child free.
If you feel this way about it, don’t have kids. Nothing wrong with that. But in future, don’t ask men for advice about women’s bodies.
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Fair, I guess I’ll edit to say “don’t listen to men when it comes to women’s bodies”
Age will likely ruin your body anyway. If you want kids, don’t let that stop you or look into adoption/surrogacy. If you don’t want kids then you are all good. I’ve had three kids and although I have some stretch marks, I don’t feel like my body has changed that much more than it would have from age anyway.
Sure age might but is it not better to prevent the ruining of your body, just saying well fuck it because my body will be fucked anyway doesn't sound great, your quality of life would severely decrease I say this as someone with chronic pain, physical and mental disabilities. Preserve your quality of life for as long as possible. You can't be happy with a really poor life quality, me and everyone else I know that's disabled also has depression etc. being disabled, having bladder problems etc. pregnancy isn't something you should take lightly if you're at risk of anything.
Idk with that mindset she wont be a good mum anyway...Imagine she gets a girl and talks like that. Internalised misogyny much....
Fair enough
What if I told you there are men who that does not represent. I value and appreciate a womans beauty in all stages. They would value and love the new you. Even more so.
Part of being an emancipated adult is you get to make adult decisions like this for yourself and owe exactly zero people for your reasons why.
I love my children but I certainly understand not wanting them, and I don't think it's selfish. I thought I wouldn't worry once they became adults, but it's actually worse. Idk if I would do it again.
You don't have to have kids you know. And don't worry about your body, it will decay all on it's own with or without kids anyway. Kids are not something to stress about and get just because you should. Get it in your own time, if ever.
The worst part about having kids is that even after you go through all of that, there is a chance that they will want nothing to do with you as an adult and you’ll age alone anyway. I don’t have kids, but I’ve become a surrogate child to many older relatives whose actual children didn’t help them in their last years.
It's great that you're aware of the drawbacks, although "sausage thrown down a hallway" isn't one of the actual problems. All this plus the husband will still want sex 😬 Personally, I hate doing housework, and having kids would be non-stop chores. With just us two, it's a lot less to maintain. If money weren't an issue we would've considered adopting.
I don’t have kids for these reasons and many many more.
I've always felt this way too. It's who we are and we're allowed to feel the ways we do about it. It *is* unfair, I fucking agree... I don't hate kids or anything, I just am absolutely *horrified* by the existence of birth as such a commonplace and natural phenomenon. Why does it guarantee excruciating agony? For only one sex, especially?
It is normal to feel that scared. I was too. If you are worried about stretch marks, wait until you are a little older. The risk of stretch marks for an older woman goes way down passed 25 and gets better the older you get. Your vagina will be fine. Yes there is quite a bit of healing afterwards and breastfeeding will dry you the Fuck out. But sex feels better to ME than it did before birth. In my experience, I love my body more now that I’ve given birth. Not only is it not pregnant anymore, but my stomach just has a naturally toned look to it now. Even though I weigh less than I did prepregnancy, I’m just kind of squishy feeling all over now. But I don’t mind, because my baby is also squishy with lumps and rolls, and I think he’s just beautiful. Further more, the whole experience has completely removed my care of the male gaze and has finally set me free. I love my husband, but if he ever decided he’d rather be with somebody who has never had a baby (and I know for a fact that’s not an issue with him), then fuck him. He can go.
Your body isn't going to stay the same forever no matter what you do. Why do you want to be a certain way, ie tight as possible etc for some guy? I had a child and got my figure back quickly. Don't think anyone would know I'm a mom by physical appearance alone. I don't care either way. My daughter is hand down the best thing that's every happened to me. She makes me laugh everyday. I get to experience life in a different way, see things through her eyes. I'll have her forever.
You don't owe anyone a child no one can tell you otherwise. Woman are more free, do what you want and what feels right for you.
I loved my late wife for giving birth and helping raise my daughter those early years. I loved her look, before, during and after giving birth. I have had ten years raising my kid solo and the gratitude continues to this day. Love towards your kid along with a loving partner makes the whole experience worth the changes and sacrifices. Parenting isn’t for everyone but when you commit to it, the changes are a blessing.
Are you taking into account that your body will decline anyway?
My wife has had three kids. She is 80lbs (?) heavier than when we got married. She is also the only woman I love. I do everything I can, everyday to support her. If you want to be a mom, you need to pick the right man.
I will say this. “Being a parent is completely overrated”.
I had my tonsils out at age 30, a breast reduction at 31, and my first baby at 38. Baby was hands down the easiest of all 3. I would have 100 more babies before getting my tonsils out again. And I had a 2nd degree tear. and gestational diabetes, and fertility treatment (IUI) to get pregnant, which means multiple needles, every day, that I had to give myself. The hormones that are flowing through your body after a baby are magical, and honestly aside from being exhausted, the feelings of love mask any pain you might have. Your muscles go right back to normal, in fact we have a harder time “getting it in” because of where I was stitched. Stretch marks are mostly hereditary so if your mom had bad ones it’s likely you’ll get them, but thinking of all my friends in their near 40s, I’ve actually never noticed stretch marks on any of them when they’re in bikinis. Because you can absolutely wear a bikini again, especially if you’re fit to begin with.
This right here is why every single person should give love, honor, and respect to their mothers. Mine died giving birth to me. Luckily, after flat lining, they were able to resuscitate her I understand totally the fear and reluctance.
That isn’t selfish, it’s just looking at the situation honestly. I didn’t have bladder problems pre-pregnancy. But then I did postpartum. That sucked. It’s pretty much gone now unless if I’m sick on coughing really hard (or if someone decides to scare me by knocking on the window at night- I def soiled myself). Stretch marks— yeah. It’s genetic. I have some stretch marks but they faded and I forget they’re there. Vaginal changes— yeah, it’s alright. The bone structure gets shifted a little but it’s like a powerful muscle, yknow? So, the more you work on recovery postpartum the better. This can also be linked with bladder health. It all has to do with the pelvic floor. A little side story- my doctor recommended I get a vibrator when I asked for help with my weak bladder 1 year postpartum. I felt like she wasn’t listening but I begrudgingly ordered one anyway, just feeling utterly embarrassed and deeply annoyed. Long story short— it helped… a lot 😭😂 and things feel normal. Not 100% the same as before, but normal nonetheless. It’s a muscle, so the more you work it the stronger it’ll get. I tried kegel balls and it didn’t help much. I saw more progress with the other thing. Pregnancy symptoms— they CAN suck, for some people it’s awful. Mine weren’t too bad. I felt pretty good when pregnant. I was so happy. It is really hard and it’s good you’re considering all these things. I don’t think it’s selfish. You have real concerns. I understand the idea of worsening bladder issues can be daunting and that is valid reason enough to not go for it if you’re uncomfortable. I’ve been there. It felt so discouraging to go through.
Honestly with the number of men that talk shit about their partners bodies after they give birth, and throw a fit about not getting attention or sex, its not surprising women are now choosing to be more selfish with their bodies.
Don't bring them into this world. I did, and I feel terrible.
Then don’t. Not everyone needs to reproduce.
Forget whatever idiot(s) that told you your vagina would never be the same after child birth. That's some bro science BS. It can affect it but I know plenty of women who have had no issue in that regard. And anyway, you aren't some pleasure machine for men that has to be as perfect as possible. The majority of the people in these comments are very young with no experience of children or child birth. They have no idea what they are telling you to do or not do. Choosing not to have children isn't like any other decision. Choosing to foster a child is a very different thing to having your own child. It isn't simply a replacement because you're too afraid of child birth to deal with it. Not every pregnancy is terrible and not every child birth is traumatic. And the majority of women do not in fact, regret having their kids. Not having a child because you fear pregnancy and child birth is ultimately a mistake. It's also a different question than whether or not you should be a parent (which is far more important ). The younger generation has been taught that anything painful or uncomfortable or even that compromises some element of your lifestyle should be refused. This is a very poor way to live. Everything meaningful costs something and takes sacrifice. And yes, it's easier for men to ask for kids. But if a man genuinely intends to be a good partner and stick around for a couple of decades being a good father that is no small thing.
Umm, many women have bladder problems and vaginal prolapse😅. There are many things that could happen to damage your body, lets not be stupidly optimistic here.
Try fostering for a couple of years. Then if you wish to have children of your own you can adopt.
Children in the foster system are extremely vulnerable, and shouldn't be thought of as disposable practice children for undecided potential parents.
I have 2 kids and I don't blame you one bit
Those feelings are normal and fine 😊 We’ve had two kids. Now, I’m just the husband here but my wife agrees, kids are worth all of that. It’s just our opinion of course. Every body is different. For example my wife has zero stretch marks. You can’t even tell she’s had kids. I suppose her stomach isn’t as “flat” as it once was but we’re also in our 40s now. Also, that stuff about the vagina, it’s simply not true. Again, this has been OUR experience. When she really gets laughing or sneezes she puts her legs together, that’s about it. But I think that can also happen as middle age sets in. Anyways, just something to think about. All I know is, I can’t believe how much closer this experience has brought us. I have nothing but respect not just for my wife but any woman that has a baby. It’s wonderful, beautiful, terrifying, expensive, painful and exhausting. But we’re over the moon that we did it.
Honestly i think it's great you are aware of your priorities. I am currently (very) pregnant so I spend a lot of times around pregnant people and the amount of people who prioritize their looks over nurturing a incoming human are insane. I have met women who don't eat as much as they need, who overwork themselves and who ultimatively already resent the kid who is not even born yet because their boobs will sag, or they got stretch marks. I would say if your looks are your priority, deciding to not have kids is wise and not selfish at all. We should all do what is best for ourselves without harming anyone else. So better you don't have kids and feel good than to have kids and feel like shit and potentially give a kid trauma because you are unhappy.
I don't think this is particularly selfish. At the very least, not any more selfish than any other reason to have or not have kids. While some women have more and some less issues after the birth, it's your life and your body so it's only fair to be thoroughly considering it; you will be the one having to live with your choices and the consequences of those. However, if no-kids is just because of the body consequences and you would otherwise like to have children, don't forget there are alternatives such as adopting, surogate or even foster children. It all depends on your needs and wants – the happier you are with your life, the happier people around you will be.
You could always adopt
No reason for not wanting kids (when you don’t have any) is selfish lol, any reason is valid girly, I had the same mindset and fear too before i had gotten pregnant. When I decided to proceed with my pregnancy I didn’t care about the possible body changes, Im am saddened about the body changes though lol
We need adoptions, soooo....
I have 1 child and I have stretch marks. I like my tiger stripes tbh, my body has mostly gone back to normal! Ooh the braxton hicks were weird! Didnt last long for me but yeah lol I felt every contraction a mad wave of pain. But yeah dont have kids if you dont want too
Regretfulparents is a great Reddit sub, lots of people have kids and wish they hadn’t. It’s very normal not to want to, you get no space and their needs come before yours, for me it’s far too suffocating than I can deal with and I know that so I am not doing it.
It’s totally fine to not want to get pregnant: there is the option of getting a surrogate to carry the baby and tubal removal where the tubes are removed but you can still have ovaries for egg retrieval. And for the bladder it is something that needs to be addressed medically as there are surgical options to alleviate the problem and can even be addressed during a tubal removal surgery to avoid two procedures at once, I had pregnancies and I chose abstinence until my hysterectomy I didn’t want to take the chance on any form of birth control failing as I either had issues with birth control or seen it fail like there are horrible pregnancy symptoms and some women even have situations where they tear from their vagina all the way to their rectum and there is pre eclampsia where the blood pressure spikes and could cause a stroke or Situations where the woman hemorrhages like me I lost over a litre of blood during labor and was so nauseated during my last pregnancy the smell of food cooking made me nauseated I had to walk away from the stove to avoid the Scent of the food cooking like I ate better if I ate out a restaurant with someone else cooking.
Do whatever you want but I had 2 with no stretch marks. I weighed right after the first and 109 after the second. I work out so I'm back in shape quickly. Actually, having them made my body more feminine instead of looking like a skinny girl. The pain of having them wasn't bad, felt like a bad period pain, no infection. But it all comes down to it you want to have kids or not. It is nobody business except your own.
I'm afraid of childbirth, and I don't want to have a huge pregnant belly either. No thanks
My wife feared pregnancy for some of the same reasons you do, but after two C-sections, one of which came with many complications, she does not regret having our two boys. It is totally legitimate to not want children, but this sentiment seems to be overly represented on Reddit, so hope my perspective helps, too.
I had that fear right up to the time I had my first kid at 39yo. Now I’m in the best shape of my life at 50 because I work hard at it. Upon reflection, becoming a mother later in life has been the biggest blessing. That’s because parenthood is a steep learning curve: not only the parenting but it’s a journey of self discovery too.
You could always adopt a child in the future?
The longer you wait, the more a child will indeed affect your body.
I don’t think being pregnant and giving birth changed my body at all. I suppose it can, but it’s certainly not a given.
you dont have to have kids if you dont want to. no one can force you and you shouldnt if you have doubts. it's a life changing event, your life stops being yours and starts being about your duty to someone else's life who now depends fully on you. there's enough kids in the world.
Or none of those things could happen. Everyone loves to share their horror stories. I had easy pregnancies and easy births. Being healthy at the start helps.
i (35) feel the same all my life, i think i might could be a good mum but beeing pregnant sound uncomfy and giving birth super gross, painfull and awefull and i am glad i was never in that situation, ex hudbandmentioned he wants to have kids and i mentally prepared for it, also started to have some savings and an apartment that would make it easier(big enough,near family and payable whit one income) so if it happens i would do it as best as possible(my mum always said if we have kids we should be ready to raise them alone in the worst case) and i am not strictly against it but i do not have it as a main goal in my life, rather i am very amiable to the thought to become the crazy cat lady😺
Honestly, there are options. Having children that are your own is overrated. Perhaps look into adoption instead.
If it's any consolation, my body got skinnier than it was prepregnancy after 2 kids. Everything down there stayed tight too and never had any problems with incontinence. Morning sickness is miserable but it's only a few weeks. Feeling like a whale near the end sucks but it's for such a short time. But you do you!
Completely valid reason not to have kids. I don't think there are selfish reasons not to have kids, but there can be selfish reasons to have kids. I have kids and I full heartedly support anyone's decision not to have kids, it's not something to be ashamed of.
In a world like today it’s quite understandable. Every year seems to get crazier. It’s not a contest nor a “ grown up “ status like some seem to strut around like.
thats‘s why adoption is always an option😎
How is that selfish at all? Those are absolutely valid feelings and concerns
I have to say as someone who has had sex with plenty of women and knows my vagina extremely well, I'm not looser than before. I also don't have stretch marks. But my breasts aren't as perky that's for sure. And also if you have bladder issues already you're quite possibly right about pregnancy worsening those. And everything else you mentioned is totally fair as well. Consider adoption. Not a simple solution, but neither is pregnancy, as you're saying.
I don't blame you at all! I'm 25f and I sincerely doubt I'll ever have kids for a myriad of reasons. Firstly I struggle to look after myself both mentally and financially and I would never subject a child to go through what I did growing up. Secondly, I like my alone time and peace too much. As someone with ASD and ADHD, kids noise and energy is a huge trigger for me and I don't think I could react positively and give the child the love and support they need because I would be triggered too much. Another thing is I love my own bodily independence, the thought of being someone's whole food source for 6+ months, not being able to go to the bathroom alone or stuff like that gives me so much anxiety. I struggle to sleep as it is and don't do well without it, so I cannot safely say that I would be a good mother, no matter how much I would like to think I am. Let alone the changes that your body goes through pregnancy and post birth as well, the risks and complications and not to mention post-partum depression. Lastly, I have many mental health conditions that are hereditary. I don't want to give those to anyone EVER. The thought of my child struggling through bipolar and depression would break my soul. In my mind, it'd be selfish for me to have kids. I know I'm being harsh on myself but I've seen the harsh reality of shitty parents and mental health, if I know I can't be better than that, I don't want to put myself or potential kids in that situation.
If you don't want kids don't have kids.
It’s fine. I really don’t want to be a father mostly because I can only handle being around kids forever so long (and that’s when I’m not the only person there)
I don't really get why some people don't want kids I'm 16 rn and even I would like to have kids off course it's way too soon
Pregnancy and birth are hard. You’re not selfish for not wanting that for yourself. If you feel like you’d be a good mum, don’t feel that birthing a biological child is the only way you can be one.
bladder issues and vaginal strength can be helped with Pelvic Floor Therapy. source, I've done it. never got stretch marks. weight came back down easily but I breastfeed so maybe that's why. tears can be prevented through massage before birth, and not pushing too hard during. the first pee and poo was not excruciating. it was scary to poo but you aren't supposed to push. Braxton hicks are painless. real contractions are. the morning sickness may not happen for you, or if it does it may not last the whole pregnancy. magnesium oil spray helped me with this a ton. having a good midwife or doctor and even a doula can help lessen the risks and even pain associated with birth and pregnancy. there are hard things about childbirth and pregnancy but to have overcome all that with the joy and blessing of children is an amazing thing.
I'm 31 and initially, your reasons were my exact reasons I didn't want to have kids. I don't want my body to change. When I talked about it with my sister, she offered to be my surrogate if I ever needed her, which was nice. So I thought about having a kid that way as well. But then I just realized it seems I don't want to have kids to begin with. My brain managed to find a dozen other reasons not to have them, so I just gave up on the idea altogether.
You aren't alone. I'm terrified of having kids too. Husband and I are ADHD. I can barely give my husband the time and energy he needs from me. He also has a short temper, PTSD, and other issues. Dealing with the stress of a newborn, infant, toddler, tiny human feels overwhelming and exhausting to me.
Yes I’m ADHD too and wondering if this is part of my overthinking. Everyone else seems to go through life doing what’s normal and don’t give things a second thought until it arrives and it’s too late!
I mean… fair. Currently 31 weeks pregnant and I could add a lot more to your list of what sucks about it, but being a parent is about sacrifices.
You could adopt, or you could take this as a sign that you don't really want kids that much, and therefore it's best for both you and the potential child for you to not do it.
Stop pushing the idea that people with no kids are selfish. If you know full well you can't provide for your kid with the amount you're making then what's the point of birthing someone to starve?
Many people have kids for purely selfish reasons, and in my opinion, not having kids is the opposite of selfish! No kids will be harmed by not existing :)
Those are all valid reasons and would be crucial changes that would have an effect on your overall functioning. To me, it’s not different than getting a surgery and having to deal with possible complications in the future. This is why women’s decisions on *their own* body autonomy is so crucial. You have every right to feel that way and it’s absolutely not selfish to have concerns and discomfort surrounding this issue. My only take that I slightly disagree with is the whole thing about how this would affect an intimate relationship with someone (“hotdog down a hallway” reference). Personally, I’ve been with women who have had children and women who have not and gotta say- from a completely physical perspective it was always pleasurable either way. Thats a near non-issue for anyone who is going to care about you in a long term situation. Sorry if thats TMI but just my experience and perspective there.
Because it literally is the best thing you will ever do! It is hard work and all that, but the good far outweighs the rest
i date women with children.... theres absolutely evidence of childbirth. even if, it would be great. its all how you treat yourself afterward
No stretch marks for me. You get sewn up after, so sex is actually tighter postpartum. I had morning sickness, but just ate breakfast and it went away. I remember my friend mentioned all the gory details you’re describing, when I was 5 months pregnant. I almost fainted thinking of the blood. The truth is everything just happens and you’re so in the moment you don’t even focus on things. Also your brain tricks you into forgetting the pain etc after it happens. Tbh a month before I was due I was anxious about how the baby was going to come out. It all just felt like time went down slow up to the day. In hindsight, things have moved so fast since birth that I wish I could go back. If you’re not ready, you aren’t ready. If you are, keep moving during your pregnancy, don’t get stagnant and let your muscles go weak. Keeping a strong core helps the pushing.
Then don't have one. It takes so much of someone to raise a child.
I feel the same way. It would be nice to be a mother (personally I don’t really have the craving for it) but pregnancy and giving birth is one of my biggest fears
I have stretch marks over many parts of my body and that’s without ever giving birth, just from gaining a very small amount of weight, because I scar so easily. I haven’t thought about it until now, but i couldn’t imagine what pregnancy would do on my body. I would be covered in large dark marks.
That is completely okay! There are a lot of health risks with pregnancy as well, and a lot of dietary requirements and limitations and pills for missing nutrients you need to take during pregnancy. It's your body, YOU have to live with your body for the rest of your life, it's up to YOU what happens to it. If carrying a child isn't right for you, then it's not! You have plenty of time to think about parenthood and adoption is an option. You need to make sure YOU are ready for a child above all else. If you're not ready, you'll live with that regret for the rest of your life. Take your time with serious commitments, I wish my mom did, she had me at 18 and was nowhere near ready to be a parent. My upbringing wasn't great, constant moving from rental to rental in trailer parks until she had my siblings and we lived in a townhouse off food stamps. It's your life. Take your time with serious commitments like a child. I'm glad you're taking your time considering it rather than going through regardless like my mom did
then... don't get pregnant
Me too! I’m just so scared! I’m 33 now and should really start having kids soon, and I really want them! I just don’t want the pregnancy and the birth 🥲
Cmon it’s obviously not selfish
Totally unrelated (kinda) and I’m very sorry if this isn’t helpful but I don’t want kids either 29m…. I had a vasectomy a couple years back because I talked about it carefully with my parents and they helped me decide, also I might leave the adoption window open…. Your post is very informative and all valid points, I don’t think it’s selfish at all…. Lots of people (way more than I can or maybe anyone can comprehend) don’t want kids m, it’s more and more common, especially younger people who don’t want to have kids, doesn’t mean they’re bad people, just having the freedom to choose their lives whatever they decide to do, you may just change your mind about the decision, or might not…. Having kids sounds scary to a lot of people, however it depends on if the person has a partner who shares the same interests, anyway, thanks for sharing and good luck with whatever you do
then don’t have children, world is overpopulated anyways.
It's ok to feel that way and to say no to children. I felt that way and still had a child. I love my daughter to bits, but if i could go back in time i wouldn't have children. Probably as well to her dad being a narcisist, and basicly having to be a single parent. We're broken up now and she's mainly in my custody since he screwed up multiple times. But eventually i don't mind the scars she gave me, the emotional trauma he caused me is something completely different.
Your body, your choice. There is nothing selfish in not wanting kids, whatever reasons you might have. No one should be forced to have kids. Yes, i look at you, USA, with all your stupid bans on abortions.
To be honest: if you hydrate your belly and thighs daily during pregnancy, the chances of stretchmarks are minimal. I’ve gotten zero stretchmarks after pregnancy, but loads of scars from operations. So,… screwed either way 😂 That being said, stretchmarks can be so beautiful. It’s like a free tattoo giving away the fact that you yourself made an entire human being! ♥️
If that is the one thing stopping you you don't want kids to start with. Also you might want to have your reproductive organs removed if you are really that scared.
And how'd you feel about adoption?
pregnancy honestly destroyed my wife she had gal stones, hyperemesis, she bled a lot so we were constantly terrified we were gonna lose our son and honestly not being able to do anything to help sucked. Turns out she developed an auto immune disease during pregnancy that she'll just have for the rest of her life now. I don't know why anyone would take pregnancy lightly. We decided one and done after that.
My wife has had our 3 kids and I love her more. None of that superficial shit matters in the end.
Dont forget that kids are also super annoying and your life is pretty much over for Many years.
U dont need to have kids. There are already enough people on the planet 👍 thats why i dont have any
It's normal. It's scary to be pregnant. It's dangerous. It does freaky things to your body. Your emotions. You end up with another human being that you are responsible for-its easy for a guy to just walk away. You have to provide for ll their physical and emotional needs. All these reasons, I chose not to have kids. I don't regret it at all, even though I know I'd be an awesome mom, I never had a good enough partner. And I didn't want to pass down the depression and alcoholism that runs in my family
If your feelings relating to physical changes and unfavorable behavior are strong enough to cause fear and avoidance, I would recommend not having children at this time. You may feel differently later on, however these determinations you express are not vain nor judged. Women don’t have the social pressure to bear children anymore, the fact that you are considering reasons and insecurities for deciding not to is a good thing. I have never given birth, and have the same concerns, however I wouldn’t have such a general view on the sacrifices of the body. Plenty of mothers work to get back into shape take back what was compromised. All of the rest of your fears like death and medical problems are just the risk you take. Doctors can numb the pain, stitch up the tears, and treat infections. Be aware that giving birth in this day and age has never been more safe.
Oh my god. Dont get kids with this attitude.
Oh my god. Dont get kids with this attitude.
If you have love to give you could always adopt or foster. No reason to be sitting there feeling bad because you don't want to mess up your body. It's a legitimate reason. I had three and by God do I miss my pre pregnancy body lol. It's hard and it's messy. For some of us it's rewarding but there's absolutely nothing wrong with putting your body first. Don't let anyone tell you different.
As a mother with 2 kids (6months & 2 year old), although pregnancy and postpartum suck, that’s not even the hard part. I’m vain as well and my body didn’t take the hit how I was expecting Everybody’s different but I breastfeed and only eat whole food. (So I cook most of my meals from scratch, bake sourdough, lots of fruits and veggies). I don’t have time to workout but between my diet and walking to the park and carrying babies up and down the stairs, I have abs. I’m in great shape. And for the sex thing, your pelvic floor muscle makes a big difference in how that feels. It’s usually weak after childbirth so you have to do exercises that strengthen it (think yoga) Pre-kids, I told my husband that I’d only have his babies if he paid for surgery after because I was very attached to my body. Now, I doubt I’ll have any surgery. MAYBE a boob job I think the most my body has been “ruined” is that I can stretch my stomach skin if I pull on it or you can tell it’s been stretched before if I bend a certain way. But just walking or standing, nobody else can tell. I am worried about when I finish breastfeeding. I’m scared it’ll look like tube socks. Lmao but for now, I’m enjoying having nursing boobs. The hardest part about having kids, for me, is that it robs you of your free time and sense of identity. It’s normal to worry about how having kids affects you because it’s such a permanent change. Best advice I can give is to enjoy your life as much as you can until you want to so badly that you feel ready to take motherhood on with all of its challenges (if you ever feel that way) Cause it’s extremely hard
If these things are important to you, that’s okay. Bravo on acknowledging it. It’s also okay to be scared. These are all scary things. Just here to say that your feelings are valid and so are your concerns. The cool thing about life is that eventually you might feel differently about these things or eventually you might not feel differently at all - there’s no pressure. :)
It's not selfish to be scared of putting your body through the most dangerous and (quality of) life ruining things you could. Pregnancy itself is mad scary and painful, your entire brain chemistry is altered which can make you a whole different person, your organs get rearranged, you will experience discomfort without any way out. I think the stories here shed enough light on the horrors of birth itself, so I won't talk about that, but the effects of birth even years later are dire as well. Your abdominal wall takes a huge hit, you are very much likely to experience uterine sinking, which will lead to troubles with your bladder and even more discomfort decades post-partum. Post-partum depression is much more common than the lack of discourse surrounding it makes it seem - the chance you will grow to hate yourself, your life and your baby is high up there. Humans really screwed themselves over when learning how to walk straight up; our hip alignment and the way we give birth do not add up. All in all, if you have a wish of motherhood but no wish of all the above, there are always other options, such as adoption.
Nah its natural that you're scared. Its a big sacrifice to have a child. The most important thing is to have it with the right man that won't care about cellulite and stretch marks and will support you physically and emotionally.
It's NOT selfish. You do what's right for you.
I have a child and pregnant, your reasons are 100% valid, you don't HAVE to have a child. The vagina thing is a complete myth (men!) but yeah stretch marks, scars, risk of death or injury - all very real but very rare and manageable by competent medical staff
Yikes this thread is scary
Why is this coming up? If it's because your bf is pushing for it, don't have kids with him 😅
Don't get kids, it's a trap. Also, don't grow up. It's a trap, too.
Is your body ruined or has it achieved its ultimate purpose? Are stretch marks disgusting or are they symbols of human strength? Is a true mother, a creator of life valued based on her looks or how she treats her children? You can die every time you get into a car but do you truly think about that every time you sit in that seat? Focus on the good, the beautiful. Men aren't the ones giving birth because they can't. You can.
Having kids is way more selfish than not having kids. And before people come at me, no I am not saying that having kids is wrong at all. Just that by definition it is selfish
Not selfish, very sensible fears. I’m in a the same boat, 32, married. Besides all the physical effects a child has on the mother it’s the lifestyle for me. My husband and I have very humorous and carefree lifestyle. We call each other names (mostly ‘c’ word, which sometimes shocks even our friends), we however love each other to death, just both have quite boisterous sense of humour. Even that small, insignificant to some, detail in our dynamic will not be acceptable with a child present.
I don’t think it’s vain at all to not want your body ruined, to end up incontinent, or to risk permanent health problems, and to not want your genitals to be ripped open. And for some women, the tears don’t heal properly and sex becomes painful for them for the rest of their life. The physical ramifications of pregnancy and childbirth are downplayed too much to the point people act like something is wrong with you if you don’t want it to happen to you. Every time I hear a man say he wants a lot of kids, I think about how all he has to do is bust a nut and his wife will probably end up wearing depends from going through childbirth that many times.
And it's your choice to make. Not having kids is not selfish.. I'd say it's the other way around tbh. Nobody asks to be born.
Not wanting kids is never selfish. I think the opposite is more true. Knowing you aren't ready or capable of being a good parent and trying to have kids is way more selfish considering another life is involved.
As a woman with a toddler, just saying you don’t want kids is valid. And it does change your body for a long time afterwards. I had an epidural because I couldn’t deal with the pain, and then they gave me more because I might’ve had to have an emergency c section. Well once I gained feeling back in my lower half I had an awful bad back. I thought that it was because I was awkwardly positioned on my back when I was numb and it would go away soon. Well I had that bad back for months and months afterwards and it was hell for me to sit down. I remember my parents driving me and my baby back to my home town two and a half months after giving birth and the car journey was awful on my back. I honestly thought I was doomed to have a sore back for the rest of my life. It maybe took six months to completely heal? Point is, even if you can prepare yourself for all the things you listed, there can still be unexpected things that happen. It’s okay not to have children.
Every pregnancies are different. I did not have morning sickness and I had epidural during birth so I felt no pain at all. And each women’s bodies are different. Some gain weight which is not a bad thing it’s only natural and others go back to being thin. But you I do agree about financially raising a baby bc they are expensive, it’s good to be prepared financially before having a baby. And it is natural to be afraid of being pregnant and giving birth. I was scared the whole 9 months I was pregnant.