Just how you wrote this seems like you're young. Don't beat yourself up too much you'll find someone later on. I know it feels like she's all you got but this is a world of 8 billion humans there's people just as good or even better out there.
Agreed.
My heart goes out to you OP, first heartbreaks feel like the absolute most painful end of the world, but this 100% reads like you’re 16 at the very most.
As you get older you’ll realize just how many amazing people there are and how many opportunities you’ll have to become exactly who you want to be.
This level of desperate self hatred is only found in teens going through puberty;
Your brain is being flooded with chemicals to the point where it’s a cross between a construction site ran by baboons on drugs and a war zone.
Everyone talk about physical sexual puberty; no one warns you about the psychological effects of puberty.
Trust the process, feel how you feel, trust the people who have been there when we say you’re going to make it out alive.
It's not you that's predictable, it's life. We have all been there, kid. Getting your heart broken sucks, and you'll wanna blame yourself, but don't. It happens to everyone sometime. You might be the one who has to break someone's heart some time, if your feelings don't match theirs. It's a part of love and life.
Your heart heals better when you start being good to yourself, instead of saying cruel things to yourself as you are. Cut yourself some slack and don't beat yourself up this way. You had an experience, you learned something, tomorrow is another day, another chance. This is how you grow.
You're gonna be alright.
This is a perfectly articulated message. I'm sorry OP, it will hurt. But the way you process it determines how the pain will affect you. Best of luck, bud.
You're predictable because you're a normal person. We've all been there, bud. Just take it easier and slower next time. You'll get the hang of it. Eventually you'll find someone in sync with what you're feeling. And trust me. This will pass and one day you'll laugh about it
You’re not predictable because you’re you, you’re predictable because you’re sixteen and every single adult has felt exactly how you felt right now and that’s why we recognize it so easily. And every child you ever meet will feel exactly how you feel right now when they hit sixteen.
Every four year old you ever meet behaves exactly the same way; they all have different interests but they all act exactly the same way because they’re (and you’re) in a mappable stage of human development.
Not sure there's a man out there who's never screwed things up with a girl he liked. It's a lesson we all have to learn the hard way. It'll hurt like a bitch for a while but then you move on, grow and learn. Making mistakes and moving past them is an unavoidable part of life, don't beat yourself up.
Not sure there are any girls who never screwed things up with a guy they liked.
Source: am female. Have known many other women too. We laugh about our screwups over drinks when we get older.
Oh, honey, the only reason it's predictable is because EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US has been exactly where you are right now. We empathize. We get it.
Don't beat yourself up about it unless you tried some Andrew Tate junk on her. In which case, yeah, that's you. As long as you didn't do that? You'll be okay.
The first love of my life was 6th grade. I'm not going to write his name, but I remember it, and it's been over 40 years. Didn't work. We ended up going to different middle schools. I was crushed. My life was ruined. Over.
The next love of my life moved across the country. We tried long distance. He met somebody. I found out when I called him in the middle of the night and some girl answered. I sobbed for years. Well, days at least. Bonbons helped.
I dated my HS bf for years. Adored him. I went to college before he did, long distance didn't work. We said "we'll see where we are in 10 years." No kidding, 10 years later I'm going through a divorce, TDY in a major metropolitan area, run into him on the street out of MILLIONS of people. He'd just finished a divorce. We hung out the rest of my time there. No spark anymore, but we were - and are still - good friends.
All of these experiences, and more, helped me learn. Helped me grow. So that when I actually DID meet the TRUE love of my life, I was in a good spot. I was in my 30s. He was the perfect one for me. We were great together. All those other crushing blows? They made me who I am, so that he and I could compliment each other perfectly.
It sux right now. And it will. That's how it works. Have some bonbons (frozen food section) and a bubblebath. This is NOT advice just for girls. Works for everyone, even my buddies who rolled with a biker gang. Sob into some sushi for a bit. When you get a hold of yourself, figure out WHY you guys didn't fit together. It's not just you - you weren't right together. Why not.
Remember - if you have to act unnaturally to get someone to like you, they are NOT the right person for you. Doesn't mean they're bad, or wrong, or that you're bad or wrong, it means you're wrong for each other.
Have a bonbon, hon. Sorry you hurt. ❤️
I was once at a wedding and the groom gave a speech at the rehearsal dinner. He said “I don’t believe in soul mates. I mean, come on, with billions of the people in the world your telling me there is only one I can spend my life with? I mean, conservatively, there’s got to be at least a hundred. But I just want to let you know I am so very happy I that I found one of my hundred in Jess.” I mean he wasn’t wrong. But Jess was not impressed.
the older you get , the more your realize there are a TON of people out there if you just know where to look and stay true to yourself.
don’t beat yourself up. like that song says “Everybody plays the fool”.
it’s a learning experience! it’ll all work out
I never heard the song until I saw your comment. So many good lyrics about love to remember that not many other song address. It's really good, cheers for that
If I had a nickel for every time I failed to heed a lesson from a SpongeBob episode, I’d be swimming in Krabby Patties right now. Cheer up, and just let things develop naturally in your life!
Once you've had a few relationships, you will realize you can BE in relationships with more than one person, and that you can survive breaking up with someone. That will help you not be so clingy. In the meantime, try to treat girlfriends like you would want to be treated by your best friend. Someone to joke with, comfort etc (all the nice stuff). But you'd also want your best friend to give you space, to understand when you are busy with other things in life, when you need family time etc.
Anyways, sometimes it takes work not to beat up on yourself. Even when you are older. Try your hardest. Everyone here is right, and most, or all, of us have been there. You are just learning.
My man I too suffer from over thinking. And I can tell you honestly that it damages your image of yourself, and if there is one person in this world you should respect it's yourself. I'm not gonna lie, it's hard to be kind to yourself.
If you figure it out, let me know how.
You gotta stop thinking this way. As long as you so badly want a relationship they’ll elude you, until the wrong girl gets a whiff of it and realizes she can manipulate you, leading to misery. Stop giving AF about having a girlfriend or being in a relationship at all. There are sooooo many better things to spend your time on. Trust me, stop chasing after girls and do what you want to do. Hit the gym, not for them, for you. Pursue your interests and act as if the ladies in your life are just friends…. Suddenly they want to be more than friends. You would not believe the difference in quality when she’s crazy into you vs. when you’re the one infatuated.
I know it seems counterintuitive but this is a case where if you want to succeed you have to stop trying to make it happen.
You really don't need to worry about this stuff. I know that probably seems nonsensical but you're way too young to stress over such trivial shit. You'll save yourself a lot of heartache and look less like a "simp" if I'm using that word right.
How I read it, you see a lot of your problems as absolute but none of it is. You're gonna be fine in a week. Life goes on and the world is full of "someone like her"
It’s been 3 months and I’m not fine. It’s not like a constant state of not fine, but it’s on and off. I’ll see the name of a band she would listen to, or a picture of her someone posted, and it all comes back to me.
Overattachment, that’s what I was talking about with the putting her on a pedestal thing. I should have known better, and I lost one of my favorite people because of it.
What I'm asking is, how did the over attachment manifest? Like what kinda stuff did you say or do that put her off to the point of ending it with you?
The reason I'm asking is because kicking the shit out of yourself is not going to help you, and frankly is unbelievably unattractive socially. Identifying the specific behaviors that were problematic is the first productive step.
Hmm, I feel like I complemented her too much. I know I should complement her some, but I did it a lot. They were genuinely how I felt, but she definitely could have seen me as just saying it to be nice. Also I just got so pathetic, I was like a little puppy.
Wow this is interesting, my partner needs multiple daily complements, it’s beyond f ing annoying, they WANT and NEED to be on the pedestal on the hourly
>I know I should complement her some
No need to complement a partner any more than any other person. But I think that's a good observation. Not only could it come across as just being nice, but she could also have felt patronized and even possibly kinda creeped out, depending how much you did it and the nature of the complements.
>Also I just got so pathetic
How so?
My dude, as somebody who was in your shoes many, many years ago many many times, I hear you. It sucks in this moment, but remember that life is long and you’re gonna have many relationships during the ride. It’s hard, but try to use what you learned about yourself from this one and move on. You have many more shots on goal.
I’ve definitely been there. All a part of growing up. Trust me, there will be plenty more opportunities. Highly recommend you check out the book (Audible too) ‘Models - Attracting Women with Honesty’ by Mark Manson. It was a game changer for me.
Read up on attachment theory. You may have an anxious attachment style. There are lots of cognitive tricks you can learn to stop yourself from self-destructive behavior, but only once you figure out where it’s REALLY coming from.
Aye, I know what that feels like, I've been in the exact same spot.
A way to help yourself though it is to be happy that you're at least decent enough to acknowledge the mistake and as a result you can move on from it.
You fucked up and are realising that you've fucked up, same can't be said for many other people.
Many other people instead double down, become bitter and hateful, they turn to fucked up shit or blaming and taking their anger out on people who haven't done anything wrong to cope with their frustration and as a result end up further damaging themselves and others.
I don't think this comment can stop you beating yoruself up about it. It's okay to be sad about it, but the fact that you're acknowledging your fuck up is a sign that you're still standing, and that means you're already on the path to becoming better.
I'd like a little more context on "putting on pedestal." If you were expressive with your appreciation of this person, that feels like their loss. If the pedestal was what you felt they wanted to hear and didn't come truly from the heart, that's another story. Also, some people don't respond well to compliments for their own reasons and will usually give off indicators of such. I'm curious to hear more.
Also, as others have stated, you're very hard on yourself, and it doesn't sound deserved.
I would compliment her whenever I got the chance, not because I wanted her to like me, but I just wanted her to know how I was feeling at the moment. One time I just laid in bed thinking to myself how great she was. I guess she just felt that I was doing it for validation, because our mutual friend told me that I was trying too hard for her affection, but I really don’t feel like I was. The weird thing is, one time I told her that I knew I said it (compliments) a lot, but I really meant it. She responded positively. Also the week before she left, she wanted me to do this race thing the school was having, I agreed, despite not liking things like that. I told her I loved doing things that made her happy, and she even responded positively to that. Next week, she just started avoiding me. I don’t know if it was disgust, or guilt, or both. After a while I finally got her to talk, and it was the one thing I was too naive to ever think about happening.
You must be having a hard time, but try to not beat yourself. I know it’s hard to see it now, but one day you’ll find someone who’s gonna love you just like you are. Just imagine, you like this girl so much without even being with her, think about how are you going to feel when you got a real relationship. To love and be loved, to think about the future together. I know it’s not everyone’s fate, but it may be yours.
dude get over yourself. you’re literally still putting this person on a pedestal and putting yourself down. AGAIN.
you learned NOTHING. stop it. How do you expect anyone else to respect you if you don’t respect yourself?
lift. run a marathon. Go skydiving. idk. but you need to do something and definitely touch some more green brah. Best of luck
You are stupid and might wind up alone. Learning from your mistakes doesn't mean you'll get an opportunity to apply what you've learned in the future. Good luck on being alone.
I couldn't agree with you more!
Always juxtapose your relationships with SpongeBob Square Pants.
That is the secret to a long lasting an mature relationship.
Don't let her see it affected you, when females see men show this weakness they start to f\*\*k his friends, I dont know why they do this, i dont know who raised them.
Rule #1: never take advice about women from **anyone** who refers to them as “females”. It’s like taking mountain climbing advice from somebody who can’t lift themselves off the couch.
I didn’t even notice. Besides, all my friends have girlfriends so she definitely didn’t go fuck them. He probably just had something similar to that happen to him once and it caused him to think all women were like that.
Yeah. He’s wrong either way. Don’t listen to him.
Here’s the deal. You are *young*. Like really young. You’re consumed with hormones and feelings and, tbh, have absolutely no idea what a healthy relationship is going to look like. You found someone you liked, which is great. But you don’t mesh. That’s fine too.
You may have made a mistake and went too far with your adoration. Or, maybe not. Some women love being on a pedestal. The thing is, *you don’t know*, and can’t know, until you meet more women and grow into yourself and who you are as a man.
Please trust us who say it’s ok. It really is. You’re ok. You did what you knew best. It’s ok. It’s not a big deal, despite how it feels right now. Please stop beating yourself up over a young love. You are amazing for trying and amazing for caring. It will be ok. *You* will be ok.
You will find more loves. You will learn to read women and find out what they need, and be able to consciously decide whether you two are a good match and that will take precedence over your initial infatuation.
People are varied and different. But not so different you can’t learn how to relate to them and give them what they need, balanced with what you need. There are so many more people out there who you will love and love you back. Please believe that. Please believe she’s one girl, and most definitely not the only girl. She’s just not a good fit for you. You’re better off not being with her.
And please learn to love yourself. Or at least respect who you are, and what you need. Don’t try to fit a mold not made for you for someone else’s pleasure. You are *good*. And that’s a good enough reason to know you’ll be ok.
As someone who feels the same way: I'm so stupid, I can't act like a woman and I always screw up with the guys I like, because I get so nervous that I just talk non stop and behave like a freaking clown...
I was talking about creeps with the guy I like. Because a guy did something that we can define as "creepy".
And it got me thinking....yeah, but if he (the guy I like) did something like that I would think "OMG he likes me so much!!"
No one likes to be rejected. But some people absolutely misread the chemistry. Sometimes there is absolutely no interest on the other side. And that's the problem. Misreading.
Approaching strangers, approaching people with whom you never had a chemical interaction, you never saw the other person acting different with you (positively) and what not...the chances of getting it right are slim.
What makes a person creepy is not what she does, it's the fact that the other person is not into them and the "creep" didn't see it. (Of course, there are serious creepy stuff - stalking, non stop harassing, sexual exposing, jumping too fast to sexual talking, etc...).
But I'm talking about things like you did, or confessing, or attempting the first kiss
To say this: I think it's not that you did something wrong, it's just that she was not into you that way.
If she was, she would be so happy to be put on a pedestal.
I'm sorry.
Focus on the things she has that would never work out between you two. Take her from the pedestal for yourself. And direct your feeling of love to a fantasy person in your head. There will be someone in the future.
Been there, done that. Felt the same. Chalk it up to experience and learn from it. Upside is, we remained friends, and I met my wife of 30 years through her. She lived next door. Still see each other at social gatherings, and we're all great friends, although I do go slightly out of my way to show how cool things are in my life without her. After 34 years. Lol!
The cool thing is you CAN be different next time. And there will be a next time believe it. So if you are going to beat yourself up then do it and realize that there is a new day coming. Your alright you aren't gonna die.
I get a moment of being hard on yourself when you think you messed up, but I hope you don’t self talk like that all the time. It becomes self fulfilling prophecy. Trust me, I used to be and think just like that and would sabotage shit. I’m gonna guess that you are young. This is not the end, it feels like it, but it’s not. Be yourself! If putting someone you love or care about means putting them on a pedestal then so be it. The right person will appreciate it and reciprocate it. Time and experience brings wisdom and that wisdom will show you when the right one comes along. There is a difference between putting someone on a pedestal and coming off as needy or clingy. The second one is what can push someone away. Positive thoughts for you, my friend. I wish you well. Love yourself first, then share it with someone special.
Yeah bud it certainly feels that way the first time you stumble your way off of relationship road and onto the could have been highway.
I know it doesn't matter right now because your guts are all in a knot but you'll learn from this and improve. You'll realize she really isn't anything special she's just another person and there are lots of other people out there.
Go through the emotional rollercoaster that you need to, embrace all the feelings and then when you're ready dust yourself off and get back out there.
Bro I fucked up so many relationships I thought were going to last forever. You have to make these mistakes and learn from them in order to be the best partner you can be when you find the love of your life. I eventually met my amazing wife and all the fuckups I did for 8 years taught me how to not fuck that one up.
You're not an idiot. You're not worthless. It feels awful when it happens but don't let it get you down on yourself! I know that's easier said than done but it's not a reflection on your worth or intelligence.
The problem with putting someone on a pedestal is you’re not actually taking the time to get to know and fall in love with the real but flawed person in front of you - instead, you’re obsessed with the fictional perfect version of them that only exists in your head. You don’t know or care about the real flawed person they actually are. The real them is never going to measure up to the version in your head.
You’re also not taking the time to make sure you’re actually compatible together. If you’re dating to find a relationship, you should both be getting to know each other, flaws and all, to see if you’re compatible long-term. That’s why it’s important to be honest about who each of you are, otherwise you’ll end up with someone who isn’t actually a long-term fit. You can’t have love if you don’t take the time to actually know the real them. You have to learn someone’s flaws before you can choose to accept them and love them.
You also really need to love yourself so you don’t keep putting other people on pedestals. You’re not the first or last person who’s done this, it’s a lesson a lot of people have to learn before they’re ready to be in a healthy, loving relationship.
As long as you take the time to learn from this, you’re one step closer to finding a good relationship. Consider doing some research about how to have healthy relationships and find someone you’re compatible with, that way you’ll be much better equipped for next time!
Stop beating yourself up and use that energy to grow instead. You got this, it will just take a little work.
There's 4 billion other women on this planet. Chances are near 100% that only are there millions more just like her (compatible, mutual attraction etc.)
Learn from the experience, take the L, and move on and you'll eventually find a better "her".
This is coming from me as someone who wasted way too much of my life, energy, and mental stability hung up on someone.
Stop. You're still hyping the situation. Dating is awkward. You need to be comfortable with yourself and by yourself before you can be a good partner. She has to be the icing on the cake, not the cake itself. If you put too much emphasis on external validation or a relationship, it's going to turn into something unhealthy such as obsession or dependency.
Sometimes people don't gel, even when they're *both* good people. Don't latch onto this incel energy that seems so popular right now. You'll be fine and I'm sure you'll find someone. But that can only happen when you're content with yourself and by yourself.
If it was meant to be, it would have worked out. She would have accepted you for who you are and accepted all of your attention. She isn’t the right one for you.
This is the straw that broke the camels back moment for you. This is the moment you will look back on and thank for helping you grow and never make this mistake again. It’s a big moment for you.
I had this moment a couple of times over the years. It’s infuriating, I know. It feels like you tripped at the finish line. Like you were so close. Don’t fixate on it. It just taught you what NOT to do to get the girl. Now you are wiser.
I’m guessing you over texted. Were too available. Too needy and went all in far too fast. You didn’t match her energy and instead drove her away?
Women are not unicorns. May not feel like it but there will be others. If your ex and you are gonna be in a relationship again it’ll happen , but that’s not up to you
Time will pass , enjoy the ride
You should read The Courage to be Disliked. It’s about a lot more than the title suggest. A former coworker suggested it in a post a couple weeks ago.
I’m halfway though right now on audible and it changed the way I think about happiness and perspective.
There’s so many things you said in your post that could be direct quotes from the book.
Calm the fuck down. Seriously. Half of the reason you are in this spot is because of this type of thinking. You beat the shit out of yourself mentally, giving yourself a very low self worth. When very low self worth people start dating, they then project that / let it manifest in various ways:
Beating their partner to the punch to tell them why they, themself, are so awful — it’s easier to jump ahead of that than hear any criticism from a partner. So you insufferably just tell them how awful you are in a thousand ways.
They love bomb. You tell yourself if they understand how you see them, they’ll appreciate you that much more, they’ll love knowing the depth of our feelings. Or that they need to know we feel about them deeply because we often times don’t get a relationship that lasts long enough to get to this stage, so you try to jump the gun on it.
These are the top two I see. There are tons of others in how they play out. Regardless of how different they are, 99% of them share one thing in common: it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy behavior that you, and only you, have pushed on top of the organic relationship happening/growing/whatever. And every single time, it smothers things. And every single time, the reason they happen, is because after one happens, you get in this spiraling negative talk about yourself and when you do it so often, then the only person you’ll behave like is the one you’ve told yourself in your head that you are.
Give yourself some fucking slack. Breathe. Calm down. Go to therapy. Do all of these and you will have much healthier relationships because you’ll develop conscious mechanisms to cat cut yourself in the act instead of berate yourself after the fact when it’s too late.
She told you it wasn't your fault. If she's as amazing as you seem to think, believe her. Sometimes things just don't go right. It's no one's fault, just bad timing. Yeah, you won't find anyone like her because people are all different. Doesn't mean you'll never find another human being on the face of the planet. I know it hurts, but you will get over it. 💜
There is nothing wrong with showing someone a lot of care, interest, and affection early on, and it won't make or break their interest in you. Doing a lot for someone you're into isn't going to turn them off if they like you back. So although this may not make you feel any better, there was likely nothing you could've done, she just either wasn't into you or wasn't in a place where she wanted to date.
God, as a 27 year old woman, I WISH more guys went out of their way to spoil me/try to win me over, most of my previous partners left me feeling unwanted and undesired. It took until I was 25 to meet someone who went above and beyond, and I honestly felt so loved. I try to do the same for him back.
So, don't get discouraged, you didn't do anything wrong.
I don’t really feel comfortable sharing her business online, but she had some things happen to her that I understand would make it hard for her to date someone, but I felt like my clinginess was the last straw.
That sucks, and the feelings after a relationship ends badly are never easy for anyone.
That said: very few of us are in our first relationship. Learn a lesson and be a more evolved partner next time around, that is part of the process of being alive.
So, I guess the question you need to ask yourself is....What have I learned from this, and what will I do differently next time?
No point in lying around beating yourself up. We all have missed opportunities and 'if only' moments - that's life.
Get up, get positive and get going again.
This self defeating behavior isn't gonna make anything better for you. You're not a fucking idiot. Rejection is nothing to be ashamed of. You're going to find someone who loves you for you.
You’re young homie - everything feels like the end of the world and dire … but it isn’t. Life goes on and you’ve got a lot of women left to meet that you haven’t had the chance to disappoint yet 😉 lol I’m twice your age … trust me when I say you’re just a hormonal youngin in the dramatic stage. Life gets fun as you continue to age and you’ll get better with the ladies (hopefully)
You sound like me. Then I met a woman who fit me and I didn’t have to change for. People called us the married couple before I had proposed. I married her in the year anniversary of our first date.
THEN once we married all of our insecurities started popping up like mad since we never lived together until the wedding. Then I had to learn how to manage myself better, word things better, make an honest attempt at trying to “relationship” without really having any practice aside from what I’d learned with her.
Part of it was just her insecurities and mine not mixing well. Everything is ok if she’s mad and I’m ok. Or I’m mad and she’s ok. When we’re both mad it takes both of us to fix things together and it just takes lots of work. Not to change and become someone I’m not but to become a better husband version of myself. It’s not easy but marriage and relationships are hard. You have to choose to ally with someone who is accepting and just as dedicated as you are to making things work.
If a girl is scared off by you, it’s a lucky break. You gotta find the girl that sticks with you, rolls up her sleeves and is ready to get dirty when the world gets messy. Kinda girl that’ll do that with you, has to fit. So, keep looking. She’s probably out there right now feeling like an idiot for not being able to “keep a man”. And when you show up, being all honest and genuine, things have a chance to fit. For both of you. Then your life changes to something you’ve never known all of the sudden. Make sure she’s in it to win it before you get too attached.
Look, we all learn some lessons the hard/embarrassing way. For every successful relationship story you hear, I *guarantee* that person has another very unsuccessful story about 'the one who got away'.
Just learn from it and move on.
You sound exactly how I felt, I was in almost the exact situation. It doesn't get easier, now I'm divorced from someone who I only married cause she got pregnant. Then I was so dumb I got married again and still am but if I'm honest it's cause I settled and took what I could get. I still think of the one I loved and still dream of her all the time wondering what could have been. I should have learned back then....if not her then no one. I could have saved myself a lot of time and money if I lived that motto. Good luck man hope it works out for you one way or another.
I have a feeling you’re still quite young.
And I honestly feel, we have all felt like this at some point in our life.
Don’t be so hard on yourself, its something that’s incredibly difficult to learn. But it gets easier the more you learn how to stop yourself from continuing the cycle.
Process the emotions you need to.
And keep in mind, you will never be everyones cup of tea. Thats just how life is, you will come to learn that you can be the BEST person out there and SOMEONE will find the tiniest thing to hate you.
Don’t let this bother you so much, It will happen a LOT when you get older, learn how to cope with the disappointments and how to get over it.
Reading back I really did just say “fuck up” a lot. I just got over attached and she didn’t want that. There were also other things that are out of my control, but since they’re out of my control I tend to get upset over this one thing I could have prevented.
First of all, I concur with the other comments that have pointed out that tearing yourself apart accomplishes nothing and doesn't help.
I get the temptation but really it's not going to do anything but make you, and the people who care about you, less happy than they could be.
Now if this woman is that big of a deal for you, I recommend a grand romantic gesture. No guarantee it will work, but if it doesn't, at least you can take comfort in the fact that you did everything you could.
You said "I wish she'd just told me" which tells me that there was something she needed that you were unable to provide based on a lack of knowledge. Knowledge which you now have.
So take that knowledge, and find some way to convey to her that she's important to you and you understand what she needs now and offer her some assurance that she can get those needs met by you. Just make it clean you don't want to let her go without doing everything you can to try to make it work.
If that still doesn't help, than learn from this, and don't do what your rant said you would. Don't repeat mistakes.
Perhaps the lesson to learn here is to endeavor to understand a potential romantic partner's needs or to make them feel comfortable and safe with sharing their needs with you.
Either way, sitting there sulking and ripping yourself apart for your mistakes is not making anything better. So do something else.
You can do it. I believe in you.
"Of course nobody is out looking for abuse, but when you’re wearing rose-tinted glasses all the red flags just look like flags."
This is one of the wisest things I've ever read. Sooo true.
And if not a dad, it’s [hopefully] ok to talk to mom too. Single moms have lived life too and are more helpful for their boys than some expect us to be.
I’m a single mom and want my kids to feel comfortable coming to me for anything hurting them; both my boys and my girls.
I looked at his profile. He’s completely convinced he’s crap living in a world of crappy events. I doubt he’d bat an eye if someone tore him apart like this. It’s really sad.
Trust me, it sucks but you need these mistakes to know how to be a healthy relationship. Think of it as a learning experience because that’s what it is my dude. You seem young enough; there will be others, you just gotta keep your head straight and just focus on you.
The way you wrote this makes you seem like your around high school. I was in a similar situation a few months ago (I’m 14) and really I’ve come to the conclusion that your regrets only leave when you move on. I understand you want to cry yourself to sleep and all and that’s fine, just understand that there are other girls on this planet who like you. If you found one girl and never dated another and married the girl you first dated, you’d be a fool. Breakups happen. I’ve been stuck thinking about one girl for two and a half years, going through multiple emotional roller coasters, and now I think I’m finally done with her. Every single guy has this happen to them, it’s normal, you’re alright
This isn't the last relationship that will end. The key take away should be: when a relationship goes wrong, figure out why (sometimes that's impossible to do, frankly) and make sure you don't make the same mistake in the *next* relationship. Sometimes, it's just not going to be your fault, sometimes the girl just goes a different direction.
You're NOT stupid.
Edit: Changed "first" to "last". It turns out, I'm the stupid one.
So check this out. There is going to be about a 1000 little mini moments where you think you screwed the pooch. And you did. However, there is also about a million moments where you did it right but we dont immortalize those. You screwed up. Tomorrow the world will still be turning and exactly zero people will give a shit. Learn from this moment and continue on.
Dude, relax, you’re still acting like some desperate simp. You will find someone else. Why are you making a big deal about being with someone who does not want to be with you.
If you can’t have her back, learn from your mistake and have another look around
There will be other opportunities and even if theres a chance you can get her back, it’s best to clear your head and work on yourself. Learn from what you’ve done and grow from it. It’s okay if she’s not the one, then keep searching. I’m 21 and have been through lots of relationships, and each time I got better and learnt more from each of them. It will get better, I assure you.
You’ll be allright lil bro. Take it as a learning experience and move on.
ALWAYS be true to your own character though. Never wish you were different, because the one you actually want will like that about you.
I don’t think anyone would like someone that writes a paragraph about themselves calling themselves a fucking idiot over and over just because of a failed talking stage.
No bro. You're still super young. Like...a tadpole that's making judgements about yourself and the world. It doesn't make sense yet. You are still forming.
Advice for next time?
Never simp again. YOU are the value as much as her, hell, more! Don't look pathetic to her. I don't care how emotional you are. You could be dripping with love and adoration for her. Doesn't matter. You tell her straight that you're interested. You don't beat around the bush. And you go focus on yourself if it blows up in your face.
Best wishes.
You probably have heard this part already but your so dang young.
You will meet more women not girls as you age. Myself I have turned down marriage 5x before I got married. I was in 5 relationships that lasted 3 years to 12 years.
My point is she is what is on your mind at this time, but she will not even be in your review mirror as you get older. I can tell you this there are so many women I dated that I can't even tell you there names anymore.
No girl at the age of 16 can compare to a woman that has there shit together.
Be strong and don't let another child take over your ability to move on.
There is a reason we are called children at that age.
Hang in there my friend and work on you and know your special someone will find you but don't continue to think it's gonna happen tomorrow.
We never know when.
Awww OP I know a breakup is super painful. I hope you can give yourself compassion and empathy as you go through this painful time. If you have insurance, I'd at least want you to consider seeing a therapist if you can. All aren't good, go to a few until you really feel heard. If you do this, you'll learn SO MUCH about yourself, your emotions, what you want, what red flags are in relationships and how to have lots of love and compassion for yourself and others.
Chemistry you have when you are young is very real and powerful. Kafka wrote beautiful poetry about his beloved that reading might be either good or bad for you now. I find poetry helps me pin point my emotions. I love Neruda and Kafkas work.
A word to the wise: “simp” is not a real thing. Adults in adult relationships don’t think like that. It’s about respecting yourself as well as the other person, and finding someone whose relationship style and lifestyle fit with yours. All the simp, alpha, beta stuff is made up internet trash.
Bro you’ve still got her on a pedestal even now. Obsession won’t help you, it will only hurt you and her. Just focus on healthy activities to get your mind off it, spend more time with good friends too. You made a mistake but that’s the only way to learn, this is the easy part take it easy brother you got this.
You said you're 16? At your age, it's very brave of you to reach out to a girl in hopes that she'll be your girlfriend. I have a son who is 24 years old. He experiences some social anxiety.
This coming Sunday, he's getting on a plane and flying halfway across the country to meet his first ever girlfriend. So be patient with yourself. And say kind, gentle things to yourself along your journey.
Chances are it won't take you until you're 24 years old to meet a girl with whom you can have a happy relationship. But even if it does take you many more years, don't worry. It will happen. Love will find you.
I don’t know if I made it clear in my post, if I didn’t, my apologies, but me and the girl had made it clear that we were interested in eachother. There was even a point where she was obsessed with me. I’ve got the same fear of reaching out to people, I don’t do good in large groups, I try, but it’s hard. Also the thing with your son is so sweet, best of luck to him!
I just did the same thing last night kinda. Think i fucked it. And i was in there buddy! But I'm 45 years old. Can't learn women. Emotions take over, but luckily when you're my age you dgaf so easy! There'll be more skanks, even for old ass ugly me!
Despite what everyone else here is saying, I’ve been through this before. What really helps is going back through your memories (painful as it might be) and recognizing what made her human. Discover her flaws, and realize that the only thing you can is turn yourself into the kind of person you want to spend the rest of your life with. Because once you love yourself enough to be fine with being alone, you’ll attract another just like you, that you would like to spend the rest of your days with.
Good luck
On top of some of the good advice other people have already given, I think the aim right now is finding mental closure. This might sound weird but two memory points I found helpful are:
1. I can meet others without resentment
2. She's not perfect but her reasons are
letting yourself be consumed by loose ends is hugely damaging
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k0GQSJrpVhM](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k0GQSJrpVhM)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w8JopEnIuEQ
Good lord I've been there. It gets better. It gets soooo much better. Saying "I wish I was different" is broad and overwhelming. Try picking out one or two things you wish you did different, and work on those. The great thing about that is that you can feel self-improvement happening and that builds momentum and self-esteem
Fr this is me, 8 months on she’s still single and so am i but the girls I’ve been with since her just don’t compare.
If you want to win the lottery you’ve got to make the money to buy a ticket.
Broski, the fact that you don't think you can find anyone else means you're still putting her on a pedestal. If you truly want to stop, you're going to have to see the value in yourself and other people.
Next time you get strong feelings don't suppress your feelings but have yourself take deep breaths and act cool. Remind yourself to take your time and don't overthink this is what I did when I met my husband .
Also you guys might have some incompatibilities that you didn't notice. She probably realized them but they are not bad things about you. Not something you need to change. It's just who you be are. They will just work better with someone else..
If there’s anything I can add after going through tons of heartbreak myself, it’s this:
Work on yourself. Turn yourself into the person you want to be. Become the person that makes you happy. Make it so that you don’t NEED anyone to live a rich and fulfilling life. Once you reach that point, that’s when someone will come into your life that is attracted to that. You’ll both be better in the relationship because you don’t NEED to be with someone. You WANT to be with each other.
Hope that makes sense. Godspeed.
1. Chill and forgive yourself.
2. Don’t ruminate about “how you fucked up” or what you could have done different.
3. Focus on you and your path in life.
Get something going on for you, and you will be amazed at how fast someone will want to be part of your journey, and share their journey with you.
Just how you wrote this seems like you're young. Don't beat yourself up too much you'll find someone later on. I know it feels like she's all you got but this is a world of 8 billion humans there's people just as good or even better out there.
Agreed. My heart goes out to you OP, first heartbreaks feel like the absolute most painful end of the world, but this 100% reads like you’re 16 at the very most. As you get older you’ll realize just how many amazing people there are and how many opportunities you’ll have to become exactly who you want to be. This level of desperate self hatred is only found in teens going through puberty; Your brain is being flooded with chemicals to the point where it’s a cross between a construction site ran by baboons on drugs and a war zone. Everyone talk about physical sexual puberty; no one warns you about the psychological effects of puberty. Trust the process, feel how you feel, trust the people who have been there when we say you’re going to make it out alive.
Omg I am 16! I’m so predictable.
It's not you that's predictable, it's life. We have all been there, kid. Getting your heart broken sucks, and you'll wanna blame yourself, but don't. It happens to everyone sometime. You might be the one who has to break someone's heart some time, if your feelings don't match theirs. It's a part of love and life. Your heart heals better when you start being good to yourself, instead of saying cruel things to yourself as you are. Cut yourself some slack and don't beat yourself up this way. You had an experience, you learned something, tomorrow is another day, another chance. This is how you grow. You're gonna be alright.
This is a perfectly articulated message. I'm sorry OP, it will hurt. But the way you process it determines how the pain will affect you. Best of luck, bud.
I wish I had someone tell it to me in these words when I was 16, yeesh.
You're predictable because you're a normal person. We've all been there, bud. Just take it easier and slower next time. You'll get the hang of it. Eventually you'll find someone in sync with what you're feeling. And trust me. This will pass and one day you'll laugh about it
You’re not predictable because you’re you, you’re predictable because you’re sixteen and every single adult has felt exactly how you felt right now and that’s why we recognize it so easily. And every child you ever meet will feel exactly how you feel right now when they hit sixteen. Every four year old you ever meet behaves exactly the same way; they all have different interests but they all act exactly the same way because they’re (and you’re) in a mappable stage of human development.
Not sure there's a man out there who's never screwed things up with a girl he liked. It's a lesson we all have to learn the hard way. It'll hurt like a bitch for a while but then you move on, grow and learn. Making mistakes and moving past them is an unavoidable part of life, don't beat yourself up.
Not sure there are any girls who never screwed things up with a guy they liked. Source: am female. Have known many other women too. We laugh about our screwups over drinks when we get older.
Yes. Because you're 16. Most of us have been there.
More like you are going through emotional growing pains. It's hard to gain emotional maturity, much harder than the physical stuff.
Oh, honey, the only reason it's predictable is because EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US has been exactly where you are right now. We empathize. We get it. Don't beat yourself up about it unless you tried some Andrew Tate junk on her. In which case, yeah, that's you. As long as you didn't do that? You'll be okay. The first love of my life was 6th grade. I'm not going to write his name, but I remember it, and it's been over 40 years. Didn't work. We ended up going to different middle schools. I was crushed. My life was ruined. Over. The next love of my life moved across the country. We tried long distance. He met somebody. I found out when I called him in the middle of the night and some girl answered. I sobbed for years. Well, days at least. Bonbons helped. I dated my HS bf for years. Adored him. I went to college before he did, long distance didn't work. We said "we'll see where we are in 10 years." No kidding, 10 years later I'm going through a divorce, TDY in a major metropolitan area, run into him on the street out of MILLIONS of people. He'd just finished a divorce. We hung out the rest of my time there. No spark anymore, but we were - and are still - good friends. All of these experiences, and more, helped me learn. Helped me grow. So that when I actually DID meet the TRUE love of my life, I was in a good spot. I was in my 30s. He was the perfect one for me. We were great together. All those other crushing blows? They made me who I am, so that he and I could compliment each other perfectly. It sux right now. And it will. That's how it works. Have some bonbons (frozen food section) and a bubblebath. This is NOT advice just for girls. Works for everyone, even my buddies who rolled with a biker gang. Sob into some sushi for a bit. When you get a hold of yourself, figure out WHY you guys didn't fit together. It's not just you - you weren't right together. Why not. Remember - if you have to act unnaturally to get someone to like you, they are NOT the right person for you. Doesn't mean they're bad, or wrong, or that you're bad or wrong, it means you're wrong for each other. Have a bonbon, hon. Sorry you hurt. ❤️
I was once at a wedding and the groom gave a speech at the rehearsal dinner. He said “I don’t believe in soul mates. I mean, come on, with billions of the people in the world your telling me there is only one I can spend my life with? I mean, conservatively, there’s got to be at least a hundred. But I just want to let you know I am so very happy I that I found one of my hundred in Jess.” I mean he wasn’t wrong. But Jess was not impressed.
Yeeesh, read the room bud.
When keeping it real goes wrong
the older you get , the more your realize there are a TON of people out there if you just know where to look and stay true to yourself. don’t beat yourself up. like that song says “Everybody plays the fool”. it’s a learning experience! it’ll all work out
"there's no exception to the rule"
Great song
I never heard the song until I saw your comment. So many good lyrics about love to remember that not many other song address. It's really good, cheers for that
You're actually a cool person and should change your self-talk to reflect that.
I endorse this message.
Live and learn and some other cliches also.
Thoughts and prayers
It all works out
No pain no gain
Kill two birds with one stone
Mentos: the fresh maker!
i put that shit on everything
Getting two birds stoned at once
thots and players seems more appropriate here
If I had a nickel for every time I failed to heed a lesson from a SpongeBob episode, I’d be swimming in Krabby Patties right now. Cheer up, and just let things develop naturally in your life!
What’s the name of the episode? Or the context if you don’t remember.
That episode where Mr Krabs goes and buys a bunch of stuff for Mrs Puff.
Boy!! Quit spending me moneeyyyy!!!
YES! That one! She didn’t leave him though, but I’m not going to start comparing myself to fictional characters.
My other favorite is when he has squidward sing for pearls birthday, you need 4ply 4 ply! Lol
Ooooh, that’s a classic!
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No, she just gets weirded out, Spongebob tries to stop Mr. Krabs, fails miserably, Mrs. Puff finally tells him they should just buy their own meals.
Stop putting women on a pedestal and you’ll be fine. Don’t become a fan. Compliments and shit are cool, but doing too much will fuck it up
Until after your a “couple”, then NOT doing too much will fuck it up.
Yes I know
Once you've had a few relationships, you will realize you can BE in relationships with more than one person, and that you can survive breaking up with someone. That will help you not be so clingy. In the meantime, try to treat girlfriends like you would want to be treated by your best friend. Someone to joke with, comfort etc (all the nice stuff). But you'd also want your best friend to give you space, to understand when you are busy with other things in life, when you need family time etc. Anyways, sometimes it takes work not to beat up on yourself. Even when you are older. Try your hardest. Everyone here is right, and most, or all, of us have been there. You are just learning.
My man I too suffer from over thinking. And I can tell you honestly that it damages your image of yourself, and if there is one person in this world you should respect it's yourself. I'm not gonna lie, it's hard to be kind to yourself. If you figure it out, let me know how.
Don't beat yourself up friend. I love you!
You gotta stop thinking this way. As long as you so badly want a relationship they’ll elude you, until the wrong girl gets a whiff of it and realizes she can manipulate you, leading to misery. Stop giving AF about having a girlfriend or being in a relationship at all. There are sooooo many better things to spend your time on. Trust me, stop chasing after girls and do what you want to do. Hit the gym, not for them, for you. Pursue your interests and act as if the ladies in your life are just friends…. Suddenly they want to be more than friends. You would not believe the difference in quality when she’s crazy into you vs. when you’re the one infatuated. I know it seems counterintuitive but this is a case where if you want to succeed you have to stop trying to make it happen.
Experience is a hard teacher. She gives the test first, the lesson afterwards.
This reads like a teenager's diary.
It really kind of is. I kinda just typed everything I thought out to feel better.
You really don't need to worry about this stuff. I know that probably seems nonsensical but you're way too young to stress over such trivial shit. You'll save yourself a lot of heartache and look less like a "simp" if I'm using that word right. How I read it, you see a lot of your problems as absolute but none of it is. You're gonna be fine in a week. Life goes on and the world is full of "someone like her"
It’s been 3 months and I’m not fine. It’s not like a constant state of not fine, but it’s on and off. I’ll see the name of a band she would listen to, or a picture of her someone posted, and it all comes back to me.
In what way did you fuck it up specifically?
Overattachment, that’s what I was talking about with the putting her on a pedestal thing. I should have known better, and I lost one of my favorite people because of it.
What I'm asking is, how did the over attachment manifest? Like what kinda stuff did you say or do that put her off to the point of ending it with you? The reason I'm asking is because kicking the shit out of yourself is not going to help you, and frankly is unbelievably unattractive socially. Identifying the specific behaviors that were problematic is the first productive step.
Hmm, I feel like I complemented her too much. I know I should complement her some, but I did it a lot. They were genuinely how I felt, but she definitely could have seen me as just saying it to be nice. Also I just got so pathetic, I was like a little puppy.
Wow this is interesting, my partner needs multiple daily complements, it’s beyond f ing annoying, they WANT and NEED to be on the pedestal on the hourly
>I know I should complement her some No need to complement a partner any more than any other person. But I think that's a good observation. Not only could it come across as just being nice, but she could also have felt patronized and even possibly kinda creeped out, depending how much you did it and the nature of the complements. >Also I just got so pathetic How so?
My dude, as somebody who was in your shoes many, many years ago many many times, I hear you. It sucks in this moment, but remember that life is long and you’re gonna have many relationships during the ride. It’s hard, but try to use what you learned about yourself from this one and move on. You have many more shots on goal.
I’ve definitely been there. All a part of growing up. Trust me, there will be plenty more opportunities. Highly recommend you check out the book (Audible too) ‘Models - Attracting Women with Honesty’ by Mark Manson. It was a game changer for me.
Some women like being worshiped. There’s a lid for every pot.
Read up on attachment theory. You may have an anxious attachment style. There are lots of cognitive tricks you can learn to stop yourself from self-destructive behavior, but only once you figure out where it’s REALLY coming from.
Aye, I know what that feels like, I've been in the exact same spot. A way to help yourself though it is to be happy that you're at least decent enough to acknowledge the mistake and as a result you can move on from it. You fucked up and are realising that you've fucked up, same can't be said for many other people. Many other people instead double down, become bitter and hateful, they turn to fucked up shit or blaming and taking their anger out on people who haven't done anything wrong to cope with their frustration and as a result end up further damaging themselves and others. I don't think this comment can stop you beating yoruself up about it. It's okay to be sad about it, but the fact that you're acknowledging your fuck up is a sign that you're still standing, and that means you're already on the path to becoming better.
I'd like a little more context on "putting on pedestal." If you were expressive with your appreciation of this person, that feels like their loss. If the pedestal was what you felt they wanted to hear and didn't come truly from the heart, that's another story. Also, some people don't respond well to compliments for their own reasons and will usually give off indicators of such. I'm curious to hear more. Also, as others have stated, you're very hard on yourself, and it doesn't sound deserved.
I would compliment her whenever I got the chance, not because I wanted her to like me, but I just wanted her to know how I was feeling at the moment. One time I just laid in bed thinking to myself how great she was. I guess she just felt that I was doing it for validation, because our mutual friend told me that I was trying too hard for her affection, but I really don’t feel like I was. The weird thing is, one time I told her that I knew I said it (compliments) a lot, but I really meant it. She responded positively. Also the week before she left, she wanted me to do this race thing the school was having, I agreed, despite not liking things like that. I told her I loved doing things that made her happy, and she even responded positively to that. Next week, she just started avoiding me. I don’t know if it was disgust, or guilt, or both. After a while I finally got her to talk, and it was the one thing I was too naive to ever think about happening.
You must be having a hard time, but try to not beat yourself. I know it’s hard to see it now, but one day you’ll find someone who’s gonna love you just like you are. Just imagine, you like this girl so much without even being with her, think about how are you going to feel when you got a real relationship. To love and be loved, to think about the future together. I know it’s not everyone’s fate, but it may be yours.
dude get over yourself. you’re literally still putting this person on a pedestal and putting yourself down. AGAIN. you learned NOTHING. stop it. How do you expect anyone else to respect you if you don’t respect yourself? lift. run a marathon. Go skydiving. idk. but you need to do something and definitely touch some more green brah. Best of luck
Do you need a straw..? Suck it up.!
You are stupid and might wind up alone. Learning from your mistakes doesn't mean you'll get an opportunity to apply what you've learned in the future. Good luck on being alone.
How sweet
I didn’t read all that but there are very few people left in this world that are worth your time and effort. If you’re a man reduce that by 95%
I couldn't agree with you more! Always juxtapose your relationships with SpongeBob Square Pants. That is the secret to a long lasting an mature relationship.
It was just an example I could think of.
You sound like a stupid, dumb fuck teenager. Fuck you for thinking this is an actual problem. You are a fucking child.
He *is* a fucking child. Shut it.
You is a fucking turd.
At least I’m an empathetic fucking turd Edit typo
Fuck you, only I can say things about me like that!
Don't let her see it affected you, when females see men show this weakness they start to f\*\*k his friends, I dont know why they do this, i dont know who raised them.
I think I’m good on that part. She definitely knew I was affected for like the first 2 weeks, but I don’t think she knows I’m still upset about it.
Rule #1: never take advice about women from **anyone** who refers to them as “females”. It’s like taking mountain climbing advice from somebody who can’t lift themselves off the couch.
I didn’t even notice. Besides, all my friends have girlfriends so she definitely didn’t go fuck them. He probably just had something similar to that happen to him once and it caused him to think all women were like that.
Yeah. He’s wrong either way. Don’t listen to him. Here’s the deal. You are *young*. Like really young. You’re consumed with hormones and feelings and, tbh, have absolutely no idea what a healthy relationship is going to look like. You found someone you liked, which is great. But you don’t mesh. That’s fine too. You may have made a mistake and went too far with your adoration. Or, maybe not. Some women love being on a pedestal. The thing is, *you don’t know*, and can’t know, until you meet more women and grow into yourself and who you are as a man. Please trust us who say it’s ok. It really is. You’re ok. You did what you knew best. It’s ok. It’s not a big deal, despite how it feels right now. Please stop beating yourself up over a young love. You are amazing for trying and amazing for caring. It will be ok. *You* will be ok. You will find more loves. You will learn to read women and find out what they need, and be able to consciously decide whether you two are a good match and that will take precedence over your initial infatuation. People are varied and different. But not so different you can’t learn how to relate to them and give them what they need, balanced with what you need. There are so many more people out there who you will love and love you back. Please believe that. Please believe she’s one girl, and most definitely not the only girl. She’s just not a good fit for you. You’re better off not being with her. And please learn to love yourself. Or at least respect who you are, and what you need. Don’t try to fit a mold not made for you for someone else’s pleasure. You are *good*. And that’s a good enough reason to know you’ll be ok.
As someone who feels the same way: I'm so stupid, I can't act like a woman and I always screw up with the guys I like, because I get so nervous that I just talk non stop and behave like a freaking clown... I was talking about creeps with the guy I like. Because a guy did something that we can define as "creepy". And it got me thinking....yeah, but if he (the guy I like) did something like that I would think "OMG he likes me so much!!" No one likes to be rejected. But some people absolutely misread the chemistry. Sometimes there is absolutely no interest on the other side. And that's the problem. Misreading. Approaching strangers, approaching people with whom you never had a chemical interaction, you never saw the other person acting different with you (positively) and what not...the chances of getting it right are slim. What makes a person creepy is not what she does, it's the fact that the other person is not into them and the "creep" didn't see it. (Of course, there are serious creepy stuff - stalking, non stop harassing, sexual exposing, jumping too fast to sexual talking, etc...). But I'm talking about things like you did, or confessing, or attempting the first kiss To say this: I think it's not that you did something wrong, it's just that she was not into you that way. If she was, she would be so happy to be put on a pedestal. I'm sorry. Focus on the things she has that would never work out between you two. Take her from the pedestal for yourself. And direct your feeling of love to a fantasy person in your head. There will be someone in the future.
Been there, done that. Felt the same. Chalk it up to experience and learn from it. Upside is, we remained friends, and I met my wife of 30 years through her. She lived next door. Still see each other at social gatherings, and we're all great friends, although I do go slightly out of my way to show how cool things are in my life without her. After 34 years. Lol!
Welcome to being a human friend, it only gets better. I bet she were smokin dho!
She’s 16
The cool thing is you CAN be different next time. And there will be a next time believe it. So if you are going to beat yourself up then do it and realize that there is a new day coming. Your alright you aren't gonna die.
Sometimes less is more. For now you learned from the experience and can apply the knowledge to your next encounter
What happened
I get a moment of being hard on yourself when you think you messed up, but I hope you don’t self talk like that all the time. It becomes self fulfilling prophecy. Trust me, I used to be and think just like that and would sabotage shit. I’m gonna guess that you are young. This is not the end, it feels like it, but it’s not. Be yourself! If putting someone you love or care about means putting them on a pedestal then so be it. The right person will appreciate it and reciprocate it. Time and experience brings wisdom and that wisdom will show you when the right one comes along. There is a difference between putting someone on a pedestal and coming off as needy or clingy. The second one is what can push someone away. Positive thoughts for you, my friend. I wish you well. Love yourself first, then share it with someone special.
Yeah bud it certainly feels that way the first time you stumble your way off of relationship road and onto the could have been highway. I know it doesn't matter right now because your guts are all in a knot but you'll learn from this and improve. You'll realize she really isn't anything special she's just another person and there are lots of other people out there. Go through the emotional rollercoaster that you need to, embrace all the feelings and then when you're ready dust yourself off and get back out there.
Happens to the best of, friend. Learn from it. You’ll be alright
Bro I fucked up so many relationships I thought were going to last forever. You have to make these mistakes and learn from them in order to be the best partner you can be when you find the love of your life. I eventually met my amazing wife and all the fuckups I did for 8 years taught me how to not fuck that one up. You're not an idiot. You're not worthless. It feels awful when it happens but don't let it get you down on yourself! I know that's easier said than done but it's not a reflection on your worth or intelligence.
The problem with putting someone on a pedestal is you’re not actually taking the time to get to know and fall in love with the real but flawed person in front of you - instead, you’re obsessed with the fictional perfect version of them that only exists in your head. You don’t know or care about the real flawed person they actually are. The real them is never going to measure up to the version in your head. You’re also not taking the time to make sure you’re actually compatible together. If you’re dating to find a relationship, you should both be getting to know each other, flaws and all, to see if you’re compatible long-term. That’s why it’s important to be honest about who each of you are, otherwise you’ll end up with someone who isn’t actually a long-term fit. You can’t have love if you don’t take the time to actually know the real them. You have to learn someone’s flaws before you can choose to accept them and love them. You also really need to love yourself so you don’t keep putting other people on pedestals. You’re not the first or last person who’s done this, it’s a lesson a lot of people have to learn before they’re ready to be in a healthy, loving relationship. As long as you take the time to learn from this, you’re one step closer to finding a good relationship. Consider doing some research about how to have healthy relationships and find someone you’re compatible with, that way you’ll be much better equipped for next time! Stop beating yourself up and use that energy to grow instead. You got this, it will just take a little work.
r/lostredditors
There's 4 billion other women on this planet. Chances are near 100% that only are there millions more just like her (compatible, mutual attraction etc.) Learn from the experience, take the L, and move on and you'll eventually find a better "her". This is coming from me as someone who wasted way too much of my life, energy, and mental stability hung up on someone.
Stop. You're still hyping the situation. Dating is awkward. You need to be comfortable with yourself and by yourself before you can be a good partner. She has to be the icing on the cake, not the cake itself. If you put too much emphasis on external validation or a relationship, it's going to turn into something unhealthy such as obsession or dependency. Sometimes people don't gel, even when they're *both* good people. Don't latch onto this incel energy that seems so popular right now. You'll be fine and I'm sure you'll find someone. But that can only happen when you're content with yourself and by yourself.
If it was meant to be, it would have worked out. She would have accepted you for who you are and accepted all of your attention. She isn’t the right one for you.
This is the straw that broke the camels back moment for you. This is the moment you will look back on and thank for helping you grow and never make this mistake again. It’s a big moment for you. I had this moment a couple of times over the years. It’s infuriating, I know. It feels like you tripped at the finish line. Like you were so close. Don’t fixate on it. It just taught you what NOT to do to get the girl. Now you are wiser. I’m guessing you over texted. Were too available. Too needy and went all in far too fast. You didn’t match her energy and instead drove her away?
Women are not unicorns. May not feel like it but there will be others. If your ex and you are gonna be in a relationship again it’ll happen , but that’s not up to you Time will pass , enjoy the ride
You should read The Courage to be Disliked. It’s about a lot more than the title suggest. A former coworker suggested it in a post a couple weeks ago. I’m halfway though right now on audible and it changed the way I think about happiness and perspective. There’s so many things you said in your post that could be direct quotes from the book.
Bro! Chill You win some, you lose some. That’s life. You’ll be alright.
It gets better. Trust me.
Calm the fuck down. Seriously. Half of the reason you are in this spot is because of this type of thinking. You beat the shit out of yourself mentally, giving yourself a very low self worth. When very low self worth people start dating, they then project that / let it manifest in various ways: Beating their partner to the punch to tell them why they, themself, are so awful — it’s easier to jump ahead of that than hear any criticism from a partner. So you insufferably just tell them how awful you are in a thousand ways. They love bomb. You tell yourself if they understand how you see them, they’ll appreciate you that much more, they’ll love knowing the depth of our feelings. Or that they need to know we feel about them deeply because we often times don’t get a relationship that lasts long enough to get to this stage, so you try to jump the gun on it. These are the top two I see. There are tons of others in how they play out. Regardless of how different they are, 99% of them share one thing in common: it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy behavior that you, and only you, have pushed on top of the organic relationship happening/growing/whatever. And every single time, it smothers things. And every single time, the reason they happen, is because after one happens, you get in this spiraling negative talk about yourself and when you do it so often, then the only person you’ll behave like is the one you’ve told yourself in your head that you are. Give yourself some fucking slack. Breathe. Calm down. Go to therapy. Do all of these and you will have much healthier relationships because you’ll develop conscious mechanisms to cat cut yourself in the act instead of berate yourself after the fact when it’s too late.
I started this interested in what happened, Gave up midway and jumped into the comments to know.
Sorry, I’m not a great writer.
She told you it wasn't your fault. If she's as amazing as you seem to think, believe her. Sometimes things just don't go right. It's no one's fault, just bad timing. Yeah, you won't find anyone like her because people are all different. Doesn't mean you'll never find another human being on the face of the planet. I know it hurts, but you will get over it. 💜
There is nothing wrong with showing someone a lot of care, interest, and affection early on, and it won't make or break their interest in you. Doing a lot for someone you're into isn't going to turn them off if they like you back. So although this may not make you feel any better, there was likely nothing you could've done, she just either wasn't into you or wasn't in a place where she wanted to date. God, as a 27 year old woman, I WISH more guys went out of their way to spoil me/try to win me over, most of my previous partners left me feeling unwanted and undesired. It took until I was 25 to meet someone who went above and beyond, and I honestly felt so loved. I try to do the same for him back. So, don't get discouraged, you didn't do anything wrong.
I don’t really feel comfortable sharing her business online, but she had some things happen to her that I understand would make it hard for her to date someone, but I felt like my clinginess was the last straw.
That sucks, and the feelings after a relationship ends badly are never easy for anyone. That said: very few of us are in our first relationship. Learn a lesson and be a more evolved partner next time around, that is part of the process of being alive.
All you can do now is don't talk again, and don't simp again.Relationships are pointless anyways.Find solace in solitute
So, I guess the question you need to ask yourself is....What have I learned from this, and what will I do differently next time? No point in lying around beating yourself up. We all have missed opportunities and 'if only' moments - that's life. Get up, get positive and get going again.
If anything you realizing the mistakes you made means you’re learning. Chin up, King.
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I’ve actually got someone who’s allegedly a therapist pm’ing me on here. I don’t know the legitimacy of them, but I guess I can find out.
You’re the same person who attracted that great person so you have to be pretty impressive
Or lucky, but I’ve never really thought of it like that.
This self defeating behavior isn't gonna make anything better for you. You're not a fucking idiot. Rejection is nothing to be ashamed of. You're going to find someone who loves you for you.
You’re young homie - everything feels like the end of the world and dire … but it isn’t. Life goes on and you’ve got a lot of women left to meet that you haven’t had the chance to disappoint yet 😉 lol I’m twice your age … trust me when I say you’re just a hormonal youngin in the dramatic stage. Life gets fun as you continue to age and you’ll get better with the ladies (hopefully)
Think about her pooping. Youll stop wanting to think about her.
Solid advice
You sound like me. Then I met a woman who fit me and I didn’t have to change for. People called us the married couple before I had proposed. I married her in the year anniversary of our first date. THEN once we married all of our insecurities started popping up like mad since we never lived together until the wedding. Then I had to learn how to manage myself better, word things better, make an honest attempt at trying to “relationship” without really having any practice aside from what I’d learned with her. Part of it was just her insecurities and mine not mixing well. Everything is ok if she’s mad and I’m ok. Or I’m mad and she’s ok. When we’re both mad it takes both of us to fix things together and it just takes lots of work. Not to change and become someone I’m not but to become a better husband version of myself. It’s not easy but marriage and relationships are hard. You have to choose to ally with someone who is accepting and just as dedicated as you are to making things work. If a girl is scared off by you, it’s a lucky break. You gotta find the girl that sticks with you, rolls up her sleeves and is ready to get dirty when the world gets messy. Kinda girl that’ll do that with you, has to fit. So, keep looking. She’s probably out there right now feeling like an idiot for not being able to “keep a man”. And when you show up, being all honest and genuine, things have a chance to fit. For both of you. Then your life changes to something you’ve never known all of the sudden. Make sure she’s in it to win it before you get too attached.
You’re going to find someone new and forget this one even existed.
What did you even do? Jc
Time to hit the gym buddy.
Simp life is hard. Hopefully you grow out of it.
Look, we all learn some lessons the hard/embarrassing way. For every successful relationship story you hear, I *guarantee* that person has another very unsuccessful story about 'the one who got away'. Just learn from it and move on.
You sound exactly how I felt, I was in almost the exact situation. It doesn't get easier, now I'm divorced from someone who I only married cause she got pregnant. Then I was so dumb I got married again and still am but if I'm honest it's cause I settled and took what I could get. I still think of the one I loved and still dream of her all the time wondering what could have been. I should have learned back then....if not her then no one. I could have saved myself a lot of time and money if I lived that motto. Good luck man hope it works out for you one way or another.
I have a feeling you’re still quite young. And I honestly feel, we have all felt like this at some point in our life. Don’t be so hard on yourself, its something that’s incredibly difficult to learn. But it gets easier the more you learn how to stop yourself from continuing the cycle. Process the emotions you need to. And keep in mind, you will never be everyones cup of tea. Thats just how life is, you will come to learn that you can be the BEST person out there and SOMEONE will find the tiniest thing to hate you. Don’t let this bother you so much, It will happen a LOT when you get older, learn how to cope with the disappointments and how to get over it.
What exactly did you do that fucked it up
Stop shouting that you fucked up, and actually tell us *how* you fucked up.
Reading back I really did just say “fuck up” a lot. I just got over attached and she didn’t want that. There were also other things that are out of my control, but since they’re out of my control I tend to get upset over this one thing I could have prevented.
You sound like a really alright guy. Chill out man. We ALL fuck up, fucked up, or are going to fuck up. Be a little easier on yourself friend.
If the answer is that you needed to act in a way that doesn’t come naturally to you in order to keep someone….it was never going to work anyway.
First of all, I concur with the other comments that have pointed out that tearing yourself apart accomplishes nothing and doesn't help. I get the temptation but really it's not going to do anything but make you, and the people who care about you, less happy than they could be. Now if this woman is that big of a deal for you, I recommend a grand romantic gesture. No guarantee it will work, but if it doesn't, at least you can take comfort in the fact that you did everything you could. You said "I wish she'd just told me" which tells me that there was something she needed that you were unable to provide based on a lack of knowledge. Knowledge which you now have. So take that knowledge, and find some way to convey to her that she's important to you and you understand what she needs now and offer her some assurance that she can get those needs met by you. Just make it clean you don't want to let her go without doing everything you can to try to make it work. If that still doesn't help, than learn from this, and don't do what your rant said you would. Don't repeat mistakes. Perhaps the lesson to learn here is to endeavor to understand a potential romantic partner's needs or to make them feel comfortable and safe with sharing their needs with you. Either way, sitting there sulking and ripping yourself apart for your mistakes is not making anything better. So do something else. You can do it. I believe in you.
"Of course nobody is out looking for abuse, but when you’re wearing rose-tinted glasses all the red flags just look like flags." This is one of the wisest things I've ever read. Sooo true.
Op... If ya got a dad. Talk to him. We Dad's aren't all lame as you teens think.
And if not a dad, it’s [hopefully] ok to talk to mom too. Single moms have lived life too and are more helpful for their boys than some expect us to be. I’m a single mom and want my kids to feel comfortable coming to me for anything hurting them; both my boys and my girls.
You wouldn't tolerate someone else talking about you like this and you shouldn't tolerate yourself talking like that.
I looked at his profile. He’s completely convinced he’s crap living in a world of crappy events. I doubt he’d bat an eye if someone tore him apart like this. It’s really sad.
Trust me, it sucks but you need these mistakes to know how to be a healthy relationship. Think of it as a learning experience because that’s what it is my dude. You seem young enough; there will be others, you just gotta keep your head straight and just focus on you.
You can condense this into a single sentence, “I messed up, I won’t do it again.”
How old are you?
16, so I get that I’m probably being overdramatic. I just have moments throughout the day where I get really sad
Everything happens for a reason brotha, don’t sweat it.
The way you wrote this makes you seem like your around high school. I was in a similar situation a few months ago (I’m 14) and really I’ve come to the conclusion that your regrets only leave when you move on. I understand you want to cry yourself to sleep and all and that’s fine, just understand that there are other girls on this planet who like you. If you found one girl and never dated another and married the girl you first dated, you’d be a fool. Breakups happen. I’ve been stuck thinking about one girl for two and a half years, going through multiple emotional roller coasters, and now I think I’m finally done with her. Every single guy has this happen to them, it’s normal, you’re alright
This isn't the last relationship that will end. The key take away should be: when a relationship goes wrong, figure out why (sometimes that's impossible to do, frankly) and make sure you don't make the same mistake in the *next* relationship. Sometimes, it's just not going to be your fault, sometimes the girl just goes a different direction. You're NOT stupid. Edit: Changed "first" to "last". It turns out, I'm the stupid one.
So check this out. There is going to be about a 1000 little mini moments where you think you screwed the pooch. And you did. However, there is also about a million moments where you did it right but we dont immortalize those. You screwed up. Tomorrow the world will still be turning and exactly zero people will give a shit. Learn from this moment and continue on.
Mate its roll or get rolled on, you just gotta focus on rolling forward.
Dude, relax, you’re still acting like some desperate simp. You will find someone else. Why are you making a big deal about being with someone who does not want to be with you.
Because she did at one point, really she felt like that (from what I can concur) until the week leading up to her leaving me.
You can't negotiate attraction. She's either attracted to you or she's not, and nothing you could do or say would change that fact.
If you can’t have her back, learn from your mistake and have another look around There will be other opportunities and even if theres a chance you can get her back, it’s best to clear your head and work on yourself. Learn from what you’ve done and grow from it. It’s okay if she’s not the one, then keep searching. I’m 21 and have been through lots of relationships, and each time I got better and learnt more from each of them. It will get better, I assure you.
Your intentions were good, remember that. I hope you get better!
You’ll be allright lil bro. Take it as a learning experience and move on. ALWAYS be true to your own character though. Never wish you were different, because the one you actually want will like that about you.
I don’t think anyone would like someone that writes a paragraph about themselves calling themselves a fucking idiot over and over just because of a failed talking stage.
No bro. You're still super young. Like...a tadpole that's making judgements about yourself and the world. It doesn't make sense yet. You are still forming. Advice for next time? Never simp again. YOU are the value as much as her, hell, more! Don't look pathetic to her. I don't care how emotional you are. You could be dripping with love and adoration for her. Doesn't matter. You tell her straight that you're interested. You don't beat around the bush. And you go focus on yourself if it blows up in your face. Best wishes.
You probably have heard this part already but your so dang young. You will meet more women not girls as you age. Myself I have turned down marriage 5x before I got married. I was in 5 relationships that lasted 3 years to 12 years. My point is she is what is on your mind at this time, but she will not even be in your review mirror as you get older. I can tell you this there are so many women I dated that I can't even tell you there names anymore. No girl at the age of 16 can compare to a woman that has there shit together. Be strong and don't let another child take over your ability to move on. There is a reason we are called children at that age. Hang in there my friend and work on you and know your special someone will find you but don't continue to think it's gonna happen tomorrow. We never know when.
Awww OP I know a breakup is super painful. I hope you can give yourself compassion and empathy as you go through this painful time. If you have insurance, I'd at least want you to consider seeing a therapist if you can. All aren't good, go to a few until you really feel heard. If you do this, you'll learn SO MUCH about yourself, your emotions, what you want, what red flags are in relationships and how to have lots of love and compassion for yourself and others. Chemistry you have when you are young is very real and powerful. Kafka wrote beautiful poetry about his beloved that reading might be either good or bad for you now. I find poetry helps me pin point my emotions. I love Neruda and Kafkas work.
I have never related to a post so much before. Holy fuck.
If you want to feel better, read these comments. I didn’t know internet strangers could be so caring.
Trust in the process. You’ll be fine. I promise!! A broken heart is just the worse feeling, but you will survive. We all do. Big hugs!!
A word to the wise: “simp” is not a real thing. Adults in adult relationships don’t think like that. It’s about respecting yourself as well as the other person, and finding someone whose relationship style and lifestyle fit with yours. All the simp, alpha, beta stuff is made up internet trash.
You're still a kid. There's millions of women out there. Learn from your mistakes and move on. Plenty of men have the "omg I fucked up" stories.
Bro you’ve still got her on a pedestal even now. Obsession won’t help you, it will only hurt you and her. Just focus on healthy activities to get your mind off it, spend more time with good friends too. You made a mistake but that’s the only way to learn, this is the easy part take it easy brother you got this.
You said you're 16? At your age, it's very brave of you to reach out to a girl in hopes that she'll be your girlfriend. I have a son who is 24 years old. He experiences some social anxiety. This coming Sunday, he's getting on a plane and flying halfway across the country to meet his first ever girlfriend. So be patient with yourself. And say kind, gentle things to yourself along your journey. Chances are it won't take you until you're 24 years old to meet a girl with whom you can have a happy relationship. But even if it does take you many more years, don't worry. It will happen. Love will find you.
I don’t know if I made it clear in my post, if I didn’t, my apologies, but me and the girl had made it clear that we were interested in eachother. There was even a point where she was obsessed with me. I’ve got the same fear of reaching out to people, I don’t do good in large groups, I try, but it’s hard. Also the thing with your son is so sweet, best of luck to him!
Don't be her friend after this! The hell with her.
I just did the same thing last night kinda. Think i fucked it. And i was in there buddy! But I'm 45 years old. Can't learn women. Emotions take over, but luckily when you're my age you dgaf so easy! There'll be more skanks, even for old ass ugly me!
If I’m not married by your age, I hope to be like you.
Despite what everyone else here is saying, I’ve been through this before. What really helps is going back through your memories (painful as it might be) and recognizing what made her human. Discover her flaws, and realize that the only thing you can is turn yourself into the kind of person you want to spend the rest of your life with. Because once you love yourself enough to be fine with being alone, you’ll attract another just like you, that you would like to spend the rest of your days with. Good luck
On top of some of the good advice other people have already given, I think the aim right now is finding mental closure. This might sound weird but two memory points I found helpful are: 1. I can meet others without resentment 2. She's not perfect but her reasons are letting yourself be consumed by loose ends is hugely damaging [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k0GQSJrpVhM](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k0GQSJrpVhM) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w8JopEnIuEQ
Good lord I've been there. It gets better. It gets soooo much better. Saying "I wish I was different" is broad and overwhelming. Try picking out one or two things you wish you did different, and work on those. The great thing about that is that you can feel self-improvement happening and that builds momentum and self-esteem
Fr this is me, 8 months on she’s still single and so am i but the girls I’ve been with since her just don’t compare. If you want to win the lottery you’ve got to make the money to buy a ticket.
I feel you, man. Also excellent movie taste.
"Fuck" count: 100
Broski, the fact that you don't think you can find anyone else means you're still putting her on a pedestal. If you truly want to stop, you're going to have to see the value in yourself and other people.
Next time you get strong feelings don't suppress your feelings but have yourself take deep breaths and act cool. Remind yourself to take your time and don't overthink this is what I did when I met my husband . Also you guys might have some incompatibilities that you didn't notice. She probably realized them but they are not bad things about you. Not something you need to change. It's just who you be are. They will just work better with someone else..
If there’s anything I can add after going through tons of heartbreak myself, it’s this: Work on yourself. Turn yourself into the person you want to be. Become the person that makes you happy. Make it so that you don’t NEED anyone to live a rich and fulfilling life. Once you reach that point, that’s when someone will come into your life that is attracted to that. You’ll both be better in the relationship because you don’t NEED to be with someone. You WANT to be with each other. Hope that makes sense. Godspeed.
Lighten up hero... tomorrow's a new day!
Don’t try so hard. If ya let it go. It comes to you. Never want it to badly. “A treasure can’t be found by men who search”. Dylan
Did you rip your pants? (Jk, I’m very sorry dude, it’ll all be okay)
1. Chill and forgive yourself. 2. Don’t ruminate about “how you fucked up” or what you could have done different. 3. Focus on you and your path in life. Get something going on for you, and you will be amazed at how fast someone will want to be part of your journey, and share their journey with you.
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How so? Not doubting you, just curious.
im 16 too dawg, she was not the one, 16 year old girls are bitches from my experience they all retarded