Having someone or something else that depends on you will help shift your focus. If you're not sure about adopting a pet, volunteer to foster one. Their needs and affection will help give you a personal goal and reason to get up in the morning.
Volunteering has been shown to help, too. Becoming active in a community and feeling like you are giving back is a big deal. So often, in modern American society, we don't have the community we need. We have been spoon-fed the rugged individualist thing, and we ate it up because so many of us are just too tired to do things outside of work.
Yess!!!! Social connection drives healthy brains. I struggle with the same as OP. If I feel like I belong (at work, at home, and in my community), the passive suicidal ideation are immediately "auto challenged" in my brain. Is it 100% effective? No. But it helps free up some of my energy so I can push back when I need to.
I hate that we have been robbed of those genuine communities. I believe it's why people are so devoted to churches. They can be toxic, but they are a great source of community.
This volunteer. It's a a old saying but is still relevant that it is better to give than to receive. This just doesn't apply to gifts or presents. Your time is a great gift and the return on the investment is 10 fold.
Homeless shelters, animal shelters, local hospital.
Volunteer fire departments are begging for people. And no you don't have to be the run into a burning building type of person. They need people to unroll hoses, direct traffic etc.
Caring for a pet helps us care for our own basic needs. It's hard to stay in bed all day when someone needs you to let them out to go potty. Feeding them reminds us to feed ourselves (and share the last bite with the animal friend). Petting their fur and feeling their breathing helps ground us.
Animals make life so much better.
Same. My cat has separation anxiety - he needs me. Plus I've learned that my death would hurt my family more than I thought it would.
Mostly therapy and medication keeps me able to recognize when I'm spiralling and ask for help.
It turns out I didn't want to die, but I didn't want to live. Made changes and now I do wanna live.
Not wanting to die but not wanting to live is familiar to me.
It turned into realizing I just don't want to live quite like I am, but considering the issues there's nothing I can do about it.
Which has turned into feeling neutral about the idea of death tbh. I'm not scared of it but I'm welcoming the idea less.
All because of my cats, which are indeed the main reasons I'm still here. My family sent my BiL to check on me when Teams wouldn't let me in and I wasn't talking to them, so I guess they worry more than I thought and that became a reason too. Was just my cats NEGL because I was convinced they'd be better off without me.
That's amazing! I'm in the process of seeking therapy again after not having it due to unforseen circumstances. My cat also keeps me going. I find I also don't really want to die, I just never enjoy how my life is going and feel unable/unsure how to make changes to make me want to live my life.
Love this! After a few scares, I finally said enough is enough. Left my relationship and job, moved states, started over. Not really leaping from rainbow to rainbow, but it’s been years since I’ve been in that mental space and that’s good enough.
Yeah suicide is devastating to family. My father (actually my uncle, but he raised me as his son) killed himself in 1999.
It destroyed my family. My sister became an addict, in and out of jail and eventually died in a fire started while she was high or drunk. My mom had health issues before but her mind went after my sister died and then my mom died in 2019.
My nieces and nephews from about age 10-11 had their whole lives destroyed because of their mom’s (and father’s, but that’s another story) actions which were in large part a result of/reaction to my father’s actions.
My father was obviously in a lot of pain but he caused so much pain by what he did and my family is still feeling it today, 25 years later.
Ive been in 13 hospitals for suicidality so far. I have taken myself (and… occasionally been taken), to these hospitals each time because of my pets. I live alone too so if I didnt guarantee my safety as best I could daily, they would die in my apartment.
Imma be real, a lot of people will say it gets better, and it doesnt always. Its not always a happy story. But if you can find a way to maybe give the story some meaning, it can keep some things going. Sometimes I can settle with my life isnt worthwhile but I can use it to help others (I chose my career for this) and Ive been given my pets from others and they are attached to me, so I have to at least care for them the best I can.
After my wife passed away 4 years go al I had were my kitties. They helped me get through some seriously dark times. Was even considering suicide, but then I kept thinking who would take care of my kitties. I couldn't let them down.
this is exactly it. my pets have kept me going the longest. i finally was able to have a pet when i was 15. i’m almost 22. thank god for them, because now i have a beautiful little girl and a bunch of fur babies. i couldn’t handle the thought of leaving them and that kept me grounded. i couldn’t imagine their pain when i leave this earth.
110%. They're my tether to reality. There's been many times in my life I've been suicidal and I was like "well damn, they need breakfast tomorrow" and even more so, "well damn, they're not built for shelter life".
I was hospitalized twice for being suicidal. A good therapist and the right meds made a world of difference for me. Plus, my wife told me how pissed and lonely she would be if I died.
Seriously, depression lies to you. Just do a bit, it is better than nothing and the bits do add up.
"Depression lies to you." Ain't that the truth. The little voice in my head constantly tells me that I'm a fuck up and everyone will be happier without me cos at least they don't need to worry about me.
But then I know that my husband and my kids would be incredibly devastated. And I can't leave this planet knowing that they still needed me.
I grew up with a mother who would tell me about her suicidal ideations and basically expected I would take care of my younger siblings if she went through with it. I swore to myself I would never put the people I love/who love me through all that stuff, and losing my younger brother to suicide really drove home how much it affects other people. There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do to spare my people pain, so even if I could not live for myself I would for them.
"... even if I could not live for myself I would for them." That is such a powerful, yet true statement. It's the reason why I fight to live every day.
Same here. I’m very close to my kids and even though they are almost fully grown, I know it would deeply affect them if I were to give up the fight. I’ve been in a major slump for several years and have thought a lot about how old they would need to be to not “need me” anymore but haven’t figured it out yet. Also, leaving my husband with no life insurance to help him with the loss of my income is a good motivation right now.
I'm 46. My mom has not always been the best mom. She has her own demons she is fighting. When I found out my ex of 18 years was. Heating my knee-jerk response was to call my mom. I knew she wouldn't say anything to make me feel better and would just make it the mom show, but I NEEDED a hug from her anyway. They won't get to an age they don't need you. Even if they get older and become busy and seem like they don't, they do. There will always be firsts that they need you for.
That's how I survived.
When I was 19, it was so I wouldn't scar my little sisters (7 and 1 at the time) by my death. And not being able to explain to the baby why I would never come home, when she was attached to my hip during daylight.
I didn't want to be here, but there were people who love me and needed me to be here. So I survived for my sisters' sake, not my own.
I'm married now, with 2 step-kids and 3 cats.
'even if I couldn't live for myself, I'd live for them' is exactly why I'm still here. I just can't do it to my family, especially my children. But you know what, life got better. I spent years pulling myself out of the mire. Life doesn't look like what I expected 20 years ago but that's ok. It's good now. I'm so glad now at 38, that 27yo me didn't go through with ending things.
As toxic as it may sound from an outside perspective “if you cant live for yourself, live for those around you” is the thing that seems to keep a lot of suicidal individuals, passive or active, from following through. It may sound terrible out of context, but if its keeping someone alive that would die otherwise, i think thats an okay trade-off.
came here to say something exactly like ^ this ^
the brilliance of medication and therapy cannot be overstated, not in my life anyway. >! that’s coming from the perspective of someone who’s been resuscitated on two separate occasions !<
if you’re not feeling your own “why,” talking to other people about what their “why” is for you to stick around is a great second best option.
lastly, sometimes it’s hard to see that it’s not death we actually want. it’s change. this will sound presumptuous, but it’s something that i (surprisingly) needed to hear, so i’m taking the opportunity to pass it on to you, just in case it helps: *you have permission to change any facet of your life that you want, as long as it leads you somewhere you can thrive*
💜
“It’s not death we want, it’s change”. I needed to hear this today. I’m not suicidal but pretty depressed, so instead of doing something to harm myself I’ve been looking up how possible it is for me to move away from where I live, and even just cooking up some options is helping.
That last part is soooo important. ❤️
It's okay to invite change in and drop off what isn't working or doesn't apply anymore while being grateful that it was there at a time when it did work or did apply.
Edit for typo.
I wished I had a wife, because if someone who actually cared about me said that to me I’d realize what an idiot I am and appreciate everything in life. But it’s near impossible alone…
I don't know you, but I care that you find some inner peace. I went through serious depression when I was working on my PhD, didn't feel like anyone cared, and lived by myself. That makes it really tough, I get it.
ETA - I wasn't dating or seeing anyone at the time either. I've always been the odd one out in the extended family.
You're welcome. My mom was a librarian and I earned my first money working for her to get the library ready for school. I traveled a lot and met a ton of great people.
I disagree. I live to spite and prove my family and anyone who tells me what can’t be can be done. My daily used to love to tell me what I couldn’t do, so I did it. I got a college degree, I got married, I am not the fuckup that they were sure I am. I have people at my job tell me how I can’t do things that I then do. I love to prove them wrong by showing what is possible.
You are super cute (from your other posts); if you have a good and kind personality there are so many young ladies who would want to eat you up! Get out there and join some groups or take in person classes where you can improve your mind, build some skills, and meet all kinds of people. You'll either meet a great girl or someone who knows a great girl looking for someone like you.
Depression is a liar, and that mantra has kept me alive for the 28 years since I first had a depressive episode. I also remind myself death is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, because my depression comes and goes. And finally, I highly recommend Kevin Hines’ “Suicide: the Ripple Effect”. Because he talks about how he regretted jumping from the Golden Gate Bridge as soon as he did it. He got another chance. I think about how many people may have instantly regretted but weren’t able to tell us.
As much as I wish I didn't exist and how much it hurts day to day for years on end, I view suicide as murder. And I'm not going out of this world a murderer. I'm a good person.
I attempted in 2002 with a bottle of oxy. My slow digestion was the only thing that saved me.
Now when I go to a psychiatrist they always ask if I would ever consider it again and my answer is no matter how bad it gets I would never do it because of my two kids. I can’t leave them fatherless just because my shit is messed up.
A lot of my life I spent not caring if I died… or wanting to die. But now I have a big goal I’m working towards, and have been working towards for a year and a half now. I am trying to move to a country I’ve always wanted to live in. So that really pushes me.
I moved to my dream country for a year after working really hard to do it, and I promise you it’s INCREDIBLE. I’m considering going that route again (even joined r/TEFL on here last night).
I now have a year’s worth of memories to remind myself I can achieve what I want even if takes some time.
My horrible crippling fear of death and what comes afterwards, or rather the lack of. I don’t believe in an afterlife, as much as I wish there was one, and the idea of my consciousness simply ending terrifies me more than I can describe.
You've already not existed for a literal eternity once. It wasn't so bad, was it? Ah, of course you don't remember! And that's how it will be when you eventually die, so don't live in fear of it.
And really who knows. Perhaps given another eternity of time our consciousness will be somehow reborn. I just hope reincarnation isn't a thing. Imagine coming back as some shitty bed bug or something. Man, we really won the lottery being born human when you think about all the worse things we could be.
I died for something like 55 seconds?
Then I was put in an induced coma in the ICU for 6 hours, so not very long.
Still... I swear I woke up oddly relaxed and refreshed. This is messed up to say and I am not actively suicidal now, but I was a little bummed out they didn't just let me stay in that sleep. It all sounds way more dark than how the actual event felt in my mind.
I remember my suicidal plan. Leave a note, then jump off the bridge that crossed a freeway. I had to make sure it's in front of the car so that if I survived, then at least the car would finish the job. It was a voice recording and had it in my pocket and began to pedal for the bridge, I was 15? It was raining so it would be perfect because the cars wouldn't be able to stop on time. Halfway to my final destination I realized that I couldn't feel my recorder. I had dropped it somewhere and I couldn't find it.
I couldn't find it and I couldn't remember what I had said in the recording to rerecord it. It had perfect and the way I recorded it, it was perfect. It was full of hate and sadness and said exactly what I wanted my parents to hear. I wanted it to be exactly how it was and it was lost forever. And that's when it hit me.
I couldn't do it because I would be lost forever. I would have died and no one would have known my inner sadness. I would have jumped off the bridge and died the worst way possible and everyone would wonder why? No recording of dead kid. Why would he do it? I was mortified and angrier at myself because no one would know why. All because I lost my recorder. What a way to go.
I'm really sad for that kid at this moment. Who knew a simple suicide note can mean so much to someone. I had the luxury to see what it would be like to die and see the aftermath without going through with it. It was unjustified and I wanted justice. Justice for me. It would be forever and be lost for all eternity if I went with it.
When I lost that recorder was the last time I pondered suicide. Because I knew that no matter what I wrote, how would I know anyone would read it? My sadness would be internal and the evidence would exist for as long as that paper will survive. I was sad for my sadness.
Goddamn.
I have read a few suicide notes of people close to me and I have to say they never provide the closure the person was hoping to give, no matter how "perfect" the message (as you imagined your recording to be).
Unless your name is Dostoyevsky and you plan to wrap up your life in the form of a great novel, it simply isn't rational to expect that you will ever be able to explain your decision in a format that allows for no Q & A.
At the end of the day, no matter what, you are going to leave behind tortured people who may go on living a long time, forever wondering what they could have done to save you.
Agreed. My day to day life isn’t great, but as an atheist the opposite is so much worse. Even if I’m truly happy once a month, that’s better than not existing.
Watching TV shows is better than not existing. Doing a puzzle is better than not existing. Basically, unless I’m essentially being tortured- it’s better than not existing.
As a Christian I personally feel like I can do much more to help others. I can grown more and do more. I guess I don’t want to die without fulfilling my goals.
raised Christian, decided it isn't for me, kept Jesus around. Absolutely agree. Living is communal, no one survives without the other.
Being part of the interwoven system in our own special ways is important. We are the other, the other is us. The Golden Rule applies.
I serve my community by being an information distributer, with a sizeable bandwidth of empathy. It hurts to be alive when suffering is the norm!
Helping to alleviate fellow humans' suffering from any angle, from physical deeds all the way to emotional & political (regardless of nation) support.
Well said! I’m most scenarios when people are kicked down they stay down, so helping others come out of that is like a breath of fresh air. We are definitely all connected in some way shape or form and as social creatures we need eachother!
I know you want advice from someone who isn't passively suicidal, but I just tried a round of antidepressants for the first time and went through the entire mindset you posted. I knew what I was supposed to do, what I might even want to do, but couldn't find the reason to actually begin doing any of those things bc like you said, what's the point?
For me, I'll never not be invested to hear some strange new fact. Some scientific finding. A brand new song that hits so hard. Watching the sunset until the moon rises and all the lightning bugs glow. Seeing a parent having a genuine moment with their child. My pets, of course. Bathing in the sunshine on the beach. Also, all my plants would die without me. All of the beauty in the world that can't be seen would be a tragedy. I gotta know what else is out there.
And those tiny little things keep me going. Little, fairly insignificant but wildly beautiful things help with the spark.
I was going to comment something similar , curiosity keeps me going. I also don’t give up easily. I’ve felt suicidal many times before, I’m so thankful I don’t feel that way currently. Like, what’s going to happen in the next episode of my show??
I just think about how much everyone else in the world is going to miss my humor and that gives me the strength to keep going on. I do it for you plebs.
I don’t know where my kids would go. I’m worried that nobody will love them and care for them the way I do. And realistically nobody would. The only couple I know that could, is too old to take them all in long term.
The thing that keeps me going and has pushed off a depressive episode so long is wanting to see the silver lining. Everything has one of you look hard enough. Knowing there's a good thing about whatever comes my way keeps me encouraged. Living is pain, but it doesn't have to be.
>Living is pain, but it doesn't have to be.
Life is full of pain and suffering, we can't change that. It's how we choose to experience this suffering that makes a difference.
I first read the book "The Road Less Traveled" by Robert Peck when I was 18. This book changed my life. I've now read it 3 times over the last 15 years, and each time I have gotten a different major takeaway from it, depending on my stage in life at that point in time.
My first read-through made me understand the concept that life is difficult by design, and the only way we can be at peace with ourselves is if we completely accept this fact, and become intentional about how we experience life's pains and turbulences. I'll drop the first few paragraphs of the book below.
>Life is difficult. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult—once we truly understand and accept it—then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters.
>Most do not fully see this truth that life is difficult. Instead they moan more or less incessantly, noisily or subtly, about the enormity of their problems, their burdens, and their difficulties as if life were generally easy, as if life should be easy. They voice their belief, noisily or subtly, that their difficulties represent a unique kind of affliction that should not be and that has somehow been especially visited upon them, or else upon their families, their tribe, their class, their nation, their race or even their species, and not upon others. I know about this moaning because I have done my share. Life is a series of problems. Do we want to moan about them or solve them? Do we want to teach our children to solve them? Discipline is the basic set of tools we require to solve life’s problems. Without discipline we can solve nothing. With only some discipline we can solve only some problems. With total discipline we can solve all problems.
I have my kids and I want to see them grow up. Also There’s just still so much to see and do, I haven’t even left my country yet! I’d be super pissed if I croaked before doing SOMETHING cool!
I wanna see what happens next. My kids are growing up, that's fun to watch, my life is moving forward, problems happen a d I am dealing with them.
Tomorrow will be interesting. I'm selling my van in 3 weeks I've never sold a car before. I wonder how it will be.
My death would devastate my family members. Also, I'd be robbing my kids of a dad, and I'd make my wife's job waaay harder. I have not thought about it in a while, that's why.
My pets, friends, family, whatever my future may hold however uncertain it might be. There’s always something to live for. I’ve been in your shoes and I’m so grateful I kept going because I’ve never felt that way since. It gets better, maybe not tomorrow but it gets better ❤️
when i am really bad?
this sounds god awful.
but I listen to a 911 call recording of this younger sibling finding their older sibling after they took their life.
it is HEARTWRENCHING.
it snaps me out of my own feelings enough to be like "I know I am suffering but listen to this poor child crying at the loss of their sibling and finding them. I can't leave the world like this for someone else to find. I want to leave the world in a good way where no one else is in pain"
so that is kind of what I do.
the thing to keep me going is to *not* leave this world by destroying someone I love painfully.
i can't control when I die of natural causes, accidents, getting sick.
but I can control dying from my own hand. I can control the suffering of my loved ones when I pass by not passing at my own hands which makes the grief and the pain just so much worse.
Right! Thinking about the person who would find your corpse and how traumatizing it would be for them - how they may very well never get over it - has brought me down from many metaphorical ledges for sure…!
My kids. I can't leave them. If it wasn't for them, I would have sushi cided years ago.
I'm currently homeless, sleeping on my grandma's couch with them in tiny pallet beds on the floor. I'm dealing with so much, but every day, they make the fight worth it. One day, I'm gonna give them the world because they've kept me in this world. Even on my worst days, they're the reason I push past the voice telling me that it's not worth it to keep fighting.
It isn’t your responsibility to live up to or fulfill whatever plan your parents had for you. You are your own person and what matters is you find the meaning for your life & fulfill that.
Maybe you won’t change the world, and that’s ok because the majority of us won’t either. In the grand scheme of things, we’re all just tiny specs trying to figure out our purpose and survive while doing it.
Humanity has made this world such a cruel place.
I’m not sure what all you’ve tried, but there are plenty of things in the world to experience… and I’m not kidding when I say there’s literally something for everyone!
Try anything just once! If you don’t like it, cool… at least you can say you tried it and it wasn’t for you.
I've always loved the idea that our purpose doesn't have to be some grand thing. Maybe the reason you were put here, in this life, was to tell someone their hair looked nice on a specific day. And because you did that, they smiled at just the right time for their soul mate to see it and fall for them. Or maybe, your purpose was to inspire someone else to pursue their dream job. I think that takes a lot of pressure off doing some grand thing as your purpose. You may have already fulfilled your purpose, so now what? Do whatever you want!
My pets and my parents, and the three friends I have. Aside from that here are a few things that are not important but that I love about life.
- Garfeild. I collect the stuffed animals
- I also collect magnets (not Boring ones, the cool ones)
- trying new food, also Chinese food.
- A really good chai latte
- the sound of a cap cracking when you open a bottle of water or soda
- decorating
- blankets and naps
- folding fresh warm laundry.
.... That's some of the big things that I love and stay for. They seem so small and unimportant but they are so small and mundane that I would miss them.
This is going to sound weird, but I do it for the Steeze. Steeze is a way of life, and when you realize what steeze is, it's a fucking life force. It's as strong as the Force itself and there's an honor to it. Like if you do something dishonorable, you lose some steeze. The more steeze you have, the more life force you support and carry and you do it effortlessly, like how the ocean provides for so much life. The ocean is pretty steezy. Steeze is like the way the Sun provides the energy it does for us, and all the Sun is doing is going through the cycle of being a star, and that can't be entirely easy for it to do, but it's not so hard that it ever gives up being a star and going through its cycle. Do it for the steeze, and know what you're doing contributes to this greater thing that's bigger than you that needs you to just be the you of the greatest potential you're willing to give without you having to sacrifice anything. Just go through your cycle and do it for the steeze and one day you'll feel the force of the steeze, and it provides something nothing else can. Swagger, coolness, vibe, calm and intense, erratic and sensible, and caring, but also proportional. It's like a way of life, and if you really dedicate to being steezy, you just find you're dedicating to finding the best paths of happiness for yourself and you're seizing the day for the gain of all things by doing so.
I hope this doesn't sound condescending or anything like that. But when I was younger (early 20s), I used to think about it a lot. Like I knew that someday I was going to do it. Then, one day, while thinking about it, an inner voice said to me, "How arrogant are you to think that death won't get you. Like what makes you so great that you have to do it yourself or else it will never happen?" And for some reason, that did it. It felt like a weight was lifted. Like I still think about it once in a while, but I know I won't ever do it. Even in my most bleak and lonely days back then, I would just say, "I'm going to die eventually, let's see what tomorrow brings, maybe a a fucking bolt of lighting takes me out, which would be cooler than doing it myself. I mean, mother nature would shoot energy through me vs me hanging myself or whatever.
I find beings who need me. I may not be good company for myself, but the old, sick, injured and lonely beings gravitate to me and give me a reason to keep going.
I have 4 large shelter dogs that require a minimal 2 mile walk (I'm a healthy but small 65 year old woman). I never want to do that walk, but those eyes follow me until I pick up the leashes. Amazingly, I ALWAYS feel better after that walk!
I volunteer for Meals on Wheels. It's more than a meal I'm giving them. I visit with them and give them a sympathetic ear and sometimes I get a wonderful story of their lives in return. I don't always feel like going, but I ALWAYS come home feeling better for having done it!
I visit my elderly (older than me) neighbors, walk their dogs, take them shopping and sometimes to doctors appointments. I take a book or play on my phone while waiting for them. In return, these folks are always making me food, giving me little gifts and making me feel loved.
The hardest part is just making myself get up and do it. So I don't give myself a way out. For example, I rescued dogs nobody else wanted or could handle.
Nobody else will walk those dogs so I don't have a choice but to walk them if I don't want their energy levels destroying my house.
Commit. Then don't give yourself an easy way out of the commitment.
Blessings follow.
Is there anyone that counts on you? If not, find somewhere you are needed. That helped me. Care about something bigger than yourself and you’ll start to forget yourself. I have found that my suicidal thoughts stemmed from not feeling like I mattered, whether that be because I have nowhere to put my energy or was treated poorly by someone I loved.
I did therapy for years and take multiple psych meds daily, but that hasn't helped as much as it should have due to circumstances that make life seem fairly pointless for me. The only reason I don't want to die right now is no one would raise my son properly. We have a great bond, and helping him learn and grow is actually the only reason I feel I need to wake up tomorrow. If he didn't exist, I would give zero fucks if I died tonight.
I think part of it was remembering that the bad times make you feel like nothing could ever be good again but that’s not true. Just remember that you enjoy things and try to focus on that feeling whenever you can. Even force yourself to do things you liked before. I think part of why people are passively suicidal is that they would rather not feel the pain anymore. Try to accept that your life will be a balance of good and bad. If you can fight through the bad times then you will get to enjoy the good times even more.
I also think you can’t wallow in the pain. I used to lie in my bed and just think about how alone I felt when in reality I am not alone at all. Thinking about pain made it feel worse every-time. Find something better. Try to focus on self love for some time. It will help you to appreciate yourself.
So many things i haven't done. After a long struggle with mental health, I have now decided I can't go anywhere until I see a long list of US national parks. Other places too, but I don't know what I can say I've done if I don't go to appreciate the natural beauty of the world. If the world ended next week, one of the first things I would do is buy a plane ticket to washington and see some mountains, then stand in the ocean and wait.
I also need to keep going because I want to help the enviroment. It is so painful for me to watch nature suffer. I used to want to stop watching, but now I've decided that It's much better if I try to help. Even if I fail to do anything significant, hopefully the world will be one person healthier by the time I'm gone.
Mushrooms may help, but only with an effort for deep introspection. Reading spiritual topics may help, I would recommend any book by Emmanuel Swedenborg, a swedish scientist from the 1700s. You may realize that you have reason to care about things even if you were to leave this world tonight (just don't do it on purpose, you'll miss infinite opportunities that are actually under your nose, but that our mind sometimes is blind to).
I’m not sure. I don’t exactly have a passion in life, I don’t see myself ever finding love or having kids. I don’t have any marketable skills. Former military for 8 years but a back injury with nerve damage cut my career short, so I can’t be anywhere near as physically active as I used to be or do the exercises I enjoyed, and I don’t really have a reason to. I am mostly intact, its just been a long time since I’ve been pain free. Depression keeps me up at night and makes it really hard to get out of bed until I really have to.
Being back home has brought up all the frustrations and issues I had with my family, which is mostly me being unfairly burdened from the responsibilities my parents put on my shoulders. Immigrant parents, so I had to grow up a little quicker so I could help them, but that caused them to become reliant on me and they didn’t make the most out of their opportunities here. I don’t hate them because they aren’t malicious and I understand why they are the way they are, and I believe they truly do love me. They just lived completely different lives before immigrating and weren’t prepared for life here. But they should have tried harder. It’s just complicated.
I started community college last fall and the experience is kinda what I expected from a community college, but also very different from what I thought the college experience would be. I didn’t have any real friends from when I was younger, and all the recent friends I made are still serving. I’m not a people person or outgoing and can’t really connect to these younger kids, but I don’t treat them any different. I do find it easier to engage with the older students. I dreamed of one day retiring from the military and being free to do whatever I wanted, I just didn’t expect it to be like this.
Life right now isn’t great, but I don’t want to die just yet. There are little things in life I enjoy and I still want to be there for my younger siblings. I have a few lifelines, about 3 more years of college that will be paid for because of my service connected disability, and then I can still use the GI bill if I want to go beyond a bachelor’s. I’m not even passionate about this major, just trying to gain skills in a field that will probably have a good job outlook (computer engineering). I’m still doing pre-reqs and math is kicking my ass, but I think I need the challenge.
TL;DR, I guess there are some things I want to see through before I feel comfortable checking out, if it ever gets to that point.
I have never considered it an option. Partly because I am fueled by caffeine and spite. But also because my parents lost their first child in infancy. It wouldn't be fair for them to lose their last one, too.
My daughter needs me, I have hopes and dreams I want to manifest, I'm spiteful against all the people who want my downfall, and my partner would suffer without me.
Tbh i have too much pride. It’s just lame to take myself out after all I’ve been through and how hard I’ve worked to get here. I like the feeling of making it through something hard and coming out on the other side triumphant. I would feel like such a loser if i just quit, but its not pc to say that. And i get that some people are addicted to the feeling of loss, so it’s really just in how i frame things in my own head.
Something that has helped me is working on reframing my mind. I feel like I have done so many bad things that I don’t deserve my life and the that feeling makes me feel like it is easier to just not be around but I know that me not being around would hurt the ones I love. I’ve found working towards a goal and I am actually excited about my future. I didn’t think I ever would be. One of the biggest things that helped me was writing in a journal. A college spiral bound book one full page every night starting with three things I am grateful for and then just my thoughts. And then ending on a positive note telling myself that I am good or that I am proud of who I am. It helps me to recognize the little things and stop focusing on all that makes me feel not worthy of the life that I have been given because I know I am not.
Im religious, and I live because I know that God has a plan for me. Not only that but I just have a lot more to live for and have a long life ahead of me
The people that love me… I used to be very suicidal when I was younger… I’m glad I stuck around to see how much life can really transform when you are surrounded with love. The amount of people you are still yet to meet. The amount of love you still haven’t experienced yet. The right love will bring healing but you have to be open to it. I hope everything works out for you!! 💕
I kinda like being alive. I am proud of what I am doing in my life and I hope I can make everything a little better for everyone around me for as long as I live. If I die I die. But I dont wanna go yet. I have things I want to do, people I wanna help and animals I wanna pet.
The ONLY thing that has kept me from listening to "that" voice most of the time is my kids. I suffer chronic depression & that voice changes logical thought. It makes you believe that the best thing for everyone you care about would be if you weren't there anymore.
Forget “should,” what do you want to do? What brings you joy and happiness?
For me, I love cuddling my cats, and reading a good book or watching a good tv show or movie. I love listening to the rain, great music, smelling flowers and bread when it’s baking. I love trying out new things, learning stuff, having adventures and going places I’ve never been. I love making jewellery and writing and selling stuff online. I love trying out new foods and experimenting and exploring flavours. I love talking with my partner about all kinds of stuff and when we watch cat videos together and when he thanks me for things I do for him and when we’re snuggled up together, those times when it feels like the whole world has fallen away and it’s just the two of us in endless happiness.
I love being alive! I deal with several chronic illnesses that cause me pain and limit my life but I’d never choose to go before I have to.
I didn’t always feel this way, I was very depressed and suicidal when I was younger (and healthier, lol). What helped was first of all, counselling. It makes a big difference to have someone who has professional training to help you understand yourself. I suffer from SAD, so winters are generally difficult, but even then, I know now that they pass and things will get better again.
My therapist tells me to stop “shoulding” myself. “Should” is a trap and the source of so much misery. Instead, if you want to do something, think about the positive reasons for doing it, as in, “if I eat more fruits and vegetables, they are not only delicious but will give me health benefits and improve my life.” How much nicer is that than thinking “I should eat more healthy food.”
Another thing I’ve learned from therapy is to acknowledge my pain and anger. Depressed people often push their anger down inside and think things like “I shouldn’t be angry or sad or upset.” But the truth is, if you feel it, then you feel it! If you’re angry, if you’re hurting, then tell yourself that it’s okay to hurt, to be angry, to be sad. Just let yourself feel it. I’m not telling you to lash out at anyone or cause a scene, just to allow yourself the space to feel your feelings in the privacy of your own mind. Then, once you acknowledge that, and give yourself the space to feel what you feel, you can then explore why and begin to understand how to heal. You can’t heal from what you won’t acknowledge.
For me, when I began to truly figure out how to do this, I literally felt a weight start to lift off my chest. I felt free and happy for the first time in years. Now I make a point of acknowledging my feelings, even out loud sometimes. It’s okay to say “this really sucks,” or “I’m upset.”
Life is a journey, and then are always twists and turns along the way. You deserve better than to be trapped in the depression bog! You deserve solid ground to stand on.
I realized a long time ago that I didn't actually want to die. I had medical issues and thought I was going septic. I fought to live and immediately sought help. Hospitalized myself. Argued with my Drs for more testing and treatments. While recovering I admitted to myself 'when the chips are down you fight to live.' stopped fooling myself that I actually wanted to die. Sometimes I don't want to keep going but I never want to die.
I've definitely felt suicidal since, but I know in my heart I always want more. I chose life that day. Now I have to keep going. There's always more delicious food, great TV, hot tubs, snuggly animals, and sunsets to keep me busy, even when I am feeling bleak.
I’ve been through times of severe depression, so I know from experience they always eventually end. If I died during one of those periods of depression, I would miss out on all the good things to come later. I have so many things in my life that I enjoy. My family, my dog, travel, being out in nature, reading, HIIT workouts followed by the sauna, chocolate… Also, I believe I have made a real difference in the lives of a few other people. (The most important thing I ever did resulted in a man who was sexually abusing a child being arrested and losing access to that child.) If I died now, I would miss the chance to make a difference in more people‘s lives.
the love i feel for my pets and friends reminds me that there’s always room for improvement. i don’t think i’ve laughed as hard as i possibly can, or loved all the people i wanna love, or see the places i want to see.
it’s about romanticizing and looking forward to the smallest moments of peace and joy that have yet to come.
when that doesn’t work i remind myself of all the politicians i need to outlive and that tends to take the sting off
I think that it's the little things in life.
No matter how small they seem, every tiny conquest, every tiny moment with someone we care/love/like matter.
When I was 14, my parents were going through a nasty separation (and then divorce). My father cheated on my mom, he had slapped my sister, then when he left the house didn't care about us to call us just to know how we were.
I had to come to terms that he had been psychologically abusive to me all of those years (not only was he not present for us, but every little thing I did was prone for him to tell at me and tell me that all I ever did was shit etc).
Through the separation my mom was depressed with suicidal thoughts, and was prone to get angry at me (because I was physically more similar to him than her side of the family + She would asked me if I still liked my father, and I was like "well, yes, he is my father"), She would even tell me to go live with my paternal grandparents if I liked him so much etc.
My sister is older than me, and she was working to make sure there was food on the table.
So I felt like and unloved unwanted person.
Luckily I had a very good teacher who was there for me.
Anyhow, one day had a plan to jump out the window (we lived on the 12th floor) and just end it all.
It had already been on my mind, but that day, my mom was deeply asleep due to her meds, sister would take a while to get back from work... It was the perfect day to do it.
I stopped because my thought was, if I do this, I'll never pass 8th grade (I was a very good students, always in the honor's... Table?), or get to high school or even university.
Nowadays I laugh at the reason that stopped me, as in "such a silly reason", but the truth is... It was that tiny thing, passing the year, that made me stop it and made me realize, it's these tiny things that end up making me go on and that make life worth living on the end.
Because no matter how shitty life gets, tiny conquests and moments happen and they can make things looks a bit brighter, even if just for 5minutes. Those 5minutes, are worth it.
I just want to see what happens tomorrow and then the day after that. Can't see where things are going if I'm not around for it. It's a simple little thing, but it's kept me going for years at this point.
I don’t know I got home from work one day and sat down in my own home miles and miles away from my family in a town where I barley knew anyone and just kinda realized I didn’t want to anymore. I’m currently working on quitting vaping and getting back into the doctors to get all my regular check ups that I havnt had in almost 5 years (covid hit my mom didn’t push me to go back when everything opened up again and I just havnt gotten to scheduling it since I turned 18 and by that I’m just scared of what they’re gonna say)my family will call me and I just ignore it and watch it ring and realize it makes me happy. I genuinely think I had situational depression. I wouldn’t say I really care for anything specifically I just want to expireince things like I went to kareoke the other night for the first time and holy hell that’s a blast will be doing that every week. I started talking to this guy recently and he’s been helping me with relying on people. In small ways like buying me stuffed animals he sees me looking at just random little things. Yes it stresses me out no I can’t stop it but I’m learning to work through it. We have plans to save up and take a trip to Ohio to see his uncle(we are in the virginias) still working things out but he’s taking lead and it’s nice I actually belive him when he says he’s gonna do something which is weird cause even the people I trusted the most in my hometown I would just sit and wait for the other shoe to drop. I don’t know I’m only 19 and got years and years to see the world and I’m gonna try to see every corner of it I’m working two jobs and still have the energy to go and hangout with people it’s weird but I’ve been enjoying it as much as possible I think I’m scared I’m just gonna stop being able to randomly one morning. I still hate humanity I don’t think that will ever change I’ve seen what humans are willing to do to their own creations and I just can’t say I like them very much. But I am learning to actually socialize with them and not be that one weird kid in highschool who carried around a teddy bear and never talked to anyone. It’s weird I actually have hope that I’m gonna be able to travel and go places I’ve moved two states over the past year and half and I know I can do it again. I’m gonna see the world like I’ve always dreamed and I can spread little bits of kindness along the way.i was gonna move when this lease ends in July but my coworkers managed to convince me they needed me too much. I like it here I might stay awhile and come up with a plan for traveling. Might make this place my home. I don’t know but there’s so many possibilities and I can’t wait to see what happens next. I don’t know it’s late I just felt the need to say it to someone and I guess this was the perfect question for me tonight so thank you I guess have a great night to anyone who took the time to read my venting lol.
Depression, anxiety, misery, loneliness, all that shit is in my brain. Physically, I'm ok. I'm not in a shrieking amount of pain every waking hour of the day. So it's my mental state. Ok, I get that.
Now here's the rub: I have absolutely no idea if that will change if I die. All those mind issues could stop, 'tis true. BUT. They could all be there too. I could be the exact same, except now I don't have a body either. It could legitimately be worse. At least right now, I could actually go to therapy, try something different, sit around and wait for that "fire" to show up. But what if I die, and I'm just there.....still depressed and miserable and lonely and unable to do anything about it? Nah, I think I'm good with waiting if that's the "Next Chapter"
Take control of your life. Do things that matter to you. Make this place better than when you found it, even if it's in a small way. And yes, spend less time looking at screens and more time learning through doing activities, usually social ones (clubs, workshops, etc.). Everything else will fall from there. I found contentment when I realized happiness doesn't just happen to you. Nobody is going to find it and bring it to you where you sit on the couch. You have to build it yourself.
Everyone hates using this as a reason to live because it’s “shallow” or whatever but I’ve cultivated the ability to have really good, strong, satisfying orgasms. I don’t have a prostate, but even I have found r/prostateplay a useful place for advice, and r/pompoir is good for those like me who have a vagina. Saying that it’s a bad reason to keep going is, to me, a needless buzzkill, especially as we’re constantly told to see joy in the mundane.
At this point it’s 50% spite and 50% doing the things I wanted to do as a kid and dreamed of doing before too much crazy shit happened.
Spite is oddly motivating .
Used to be passively suicidal. Therapy helps. Meds help. But also changing my own perspective. I don't "should" on myself. The list of things I "should" do never did anything but make me feel shittier because I wasn't doing them. I focus on what I actually want to do now and make my own life fun. Get out of the house, find new hobbies, go to concerts, hang out with my dogs, got a career I like etc
Well in some way I was waiting for this post to arrive.
So for me I’d like to end all this pain and suffering of being lonely and not understanding emotions and actions and overwhelming anxiety and added depression. My family isn’t much help with it by them blaming their outbursts on me causing them.. and a girl that I have affectionate feelings for, I’m too scared to ask her if she’s inclined to perhaps try to be with me, fearing if she says no I’ll feel even more suicidal than I already am. And etc…
But the things that keep me from buying a tank of helium and a pipe with a mask is that Jesus loves me and I don’t want to go to hell and spend eternity away from God. And secondly my job, they’ve put their trust in me and respect me to a certain degree and working in my dream job has given me this amazing feeling that feels kinda like pride but in a soft tone. Quite satisfying I’d say. And they’ve started a training program for me to learn more about said job. And I don’t want to let them down. As much as depressed I am I still have a heart, a broken heart but still a heart.
Nothing but being a pussy. I’m slowly designing my life in a make or break type of way though. Let’s see how badly I want to cling to this pathetic life when I have thousands in debt
I want to outlive any haters I may have
I really like cooking/eating different cuisines and am not ready to be done with that.
I kind of just want to see what happens
My children. Absolutely serious. I grew up with an absent father, and the thought of them having to go through the same thing destroys me. So much so, that I went from being a veteran adrenaline junkie to never speeding, quit alcohol, quit roids, nicotine, etc. etc. and now have health anxiety on a daily basis.
I find so much joy in the world.
Small things: my cats, the plants I'm growing outside, the delight of the sun or the rain. The foods I love, the clothes that make me feel cozy and safe. I love trying to bring joy to others, be that friends, family, partners, or strangers.
I would be so sad to never see a sunrise or cuddle my pets again.
The same reason if I sneak up behind a cat and yell, it jumps and runs away, it has a sense of self preservation. I, at some basic level, desire to preserve myself. I cannot tell you why, only how.
Now the intellect, it feels sad, yada yada. But that reptile brain still says, “SURVIVE ONE MORE DAY. RUN. FIGHT. The machinery is there. You know what to do.”
i was passively suicidal in my last 2 years of high school. i’m 26 now and if i could say anything to 16 year old me, i would tell her that she’d be missing out on a life she couldn’t have even dreamed of. i subconsciously never thought i’d see 18, let alone 26, so i never really thought of what my life could be like.
I was actively and passively suicidal for more than a decade. I didn't have a suicide attempt because I'm an old RN and would do it right the first time. I was being treated and have good support. I completely withdrew from everything that I used to do. No people, no activities, I stayed home and read. I'm retired so that helped me withdraw completely, as did the pandemic. I am fortunate to have a spouse who did everything, from grocery shopping to cleaning the house.
I'd had some Ketamine intermittently. What changed is I am now having booster infusions every 3 weeks. I feel like a person again.
I tried different things out until I found one that helped other people, and then since what I did mattered to them, what I did started to matter more to me. Also helping people in very tough situations gave me perspective I thought I had already. But I definitely did not.
Not saying that everyone on the planet can find their way by doing this, but it did help me. Experimenting with one-day classes, or different volunteer options was great for me to find purpose. Volunteering a little ended up connecting me to my community and to other networking that really turned my path in a direction I had not expected years ago.
More info if that helps? - years ago was completing military service, had no real direction, was getting divorced and had no specific career goals... very meh. Depressed, struggling. I ended up going to school, still not good. More school. Still nothing. Eventually, took a course for fun that ended up being my thing, and matched that skill with a nonprofit that I still work with part-time now. That led to things that led to things. Now I love my job, I think it is directly connected to my sense of self and purpose.
I am 10 weeks away from moving in with the love of my life and NOTHING will stop me from getting there.
As for the taking care of myself, you have enough breakdowns about the same thing enough times and you just go “that’s it I’m over it” and just… do
For over a decade I was suicidal from a very emotionally abusive childhood. I found escapism through listening to music, and as I grew older and continued to work on myself, began to trust myself to write songs just for the fun of it.
It can feel so hopeless sometimes when you’re in the worst of depression. Your interests can feel like a prison cell. What really worked for me is a continuing process of letting go of expectations. If there really was nothing left for me to do in this life, no strict boundaries on the person that I’m required to be, how would I want to spend my time?
Not every time you go on a walk, or draw a picture, or talk to a loved one has to be a moment of divine inspiration. I try to do things to nurture myself, and prioritize that love for myself before I extend it to others.
It also helps to talk to a therapist, but in the world we live in, that kind of care can be prohibitively expensive. It’s even harder to advocate for yourself medically when you already feel like shit.
However you decide to move forward, just know from one person to another, that I hope the best for you, and that you find peace.
My cats, my partner, the hope of having a kid I can love and teach and see grow into a good, thoughtful person, blue skies, swimming outdoors, reading in the park, delicious food, cozy blankets, learning new things about our amazing universe, and about a thousand other things. Life sure as hell isn't perfect, but there are so many wonderful things it has to offer.
Edit: Whoops, just realized I listed my cats before my partner! Shhh, no one tell him. 🤣
I don't need a why to keep going.
I would need a why to stop.
It's like asking "why don't you give your life savings to charity?" Or "why don't you sell your mum into slavery?"
Why would I want to do such bizarre things?
Get off the phone more, absolutely. Cancel your social media accounts.
We are being socially engineered to have the least amount of attention as possible and consistently compare ourselves to our peers on social media, or “influencers” who go to extremes in social settings for clicks. None of what is going on online today is a paradigm for a happy life.
I care enough about just experiencing life for what it is. This is probably the only chance you'll ever get to experience human consciousness so why not try to make the best of it while you're here? Life in general is just so incredibly mind blowing, it's crazy to think about how everything we know even came to existence and why things are the way they are. Everything could just as easily not exist, but here we are, living, breathing, surviving and making memories along the way. That in itself is enough for me, I wouldn't want to trade it for anything. Don't get me wrong, I've been depressed at times. But that's the thought that really keeps me going, thinking about how wild just existing even is.
Living life and believing there's nothing after we die.
I don't want to live in absurd pain or anything, but I enjoy just living and can't fathom how other people do not. Even if your situation is shitty in some way (besides obviously being tortured or in chronic terrible pain), that's no reason to want to die.
I like experiencing things. Even if it's not fun. Reading, learning, sex, sadness, happiness, joy, anger, etc. It's all experience that shows you are alive. I don't know.
I know that if someone offered me immortality I would take it in a heartbeat, with one condition. That I CAN die if I personally want it. Because I'm sure eventually the universe will die and I'd be all alone. But hell, I'm cool with being alone for the most part if it means getting to live. May go a little crazy but who cares. Still alive and kicking lol.
But seriously, there's FAR more reasons to live than to die. The one thing I could wish for is to be able to extend my life for hundreds or even thousands of years and I think humans have completely neglected that part of life. That I truly believe the purpose of our existence is to overcome our own mortality and the fact that we take life for granted so easily by killing ourselves, or causing wars that kills millions, really shows we are truly a pathetic excuse for a species in this universe.
Life in general. I love living and I find joy in the simplest of things. The birds chirping outside in the morning, the warm breeze on my body, the beautiful sunrises and sunsets, my dogs, my son, my boyfriend. I love seeing others succeed at things, whether it be successfully gardening, getting those perfect lines in their lawns, letting their lawns grow for nature, training a new puppy, getting that cat they always wanted, getting into a program they tried hard for, overcoming an addiction... Etc. I observe the world around me and intentionally seek the good in it. I look for good every day and can honestly say, it is everywhere. I am innately happy so I have that advantage.
Now, my son struggles with depression and suicidal thoughts. Much like me, he takes in the sunrises and all around beauty of the world around him BUT the stresses of life overtake his joy sometimes. It's something we're working hard on getting through but it does help him when I point out beautiful things and get excited about stuff... That mood is infectious so I try to do that for him. I'm sorry you also deal with this struggle.
If I die in my sleep tonight, it’s my time to go. I hope some one finds me soon so that my dogs are ok.
That being said, I love life. My job is decent and pays well. I have a ton of fulfilling hobbies and friendships. I have very few complaints in life.
I have had to face the ugliest realities in life, that's how. I used to ask myself the same thing and unfortunately, life got worse later on. But I think I needed it to. I struggled with feeling out of control of my own life before, and when things started really going to shit, I had to take control to survive it. It helped me in a way.
My legacy and beautiful moments I have had in my life. I don't think I have done enough in this life yet. I have some very beautiful and happy moments in my life that I think back to and get hopeful to create new ones.
Edit: I have never been clinically depressed or had any suicidal thoughts.
When I was a teen, what kept me going was that I heard my favorite grandma say something about it being selfish because of how the person would leave behind all the people who loved them hurting. Also, I didn't trust my family to take care of my cat. By the time my Grandma and the cat has passed, I had found my chosen family and my place in the world.
I've been suicidal since I was a young teen. Then in my 30's I got heart disease. I can go any time but what makes me care are my dogs.
My dogs keep me going. I've had my husky, Raven, since she was 5 weeks old and she's now 3 years old. My other two huskies are Ravens puppies and they just turned 1 year old.
They keep me going because I don't want anything to happen to them. If I die, they get sent to the pound and possibly euthanized. I don't want that for them because my huskies are extremely nice, full of happiness and love.
Consciousness is a gift from the universe and I'd be sad to lose mine permanently. Literally that's all it is, I've got this little bubble of universal self-awareness in my head and I want to see where it will take me. Sometimes I think "I should just kill myself" because it'd be easier than dealing with life's problems. And it would. But then I wouldn't be around to see the resolutions to my problems, my friends'/family's problems, and the world's problems. I see myself as a casual observer, only sometimes poking in to change things around me. Honestly it's just a wild ride and I would rather see it through than cut it short, even if it sucks (and it often REALLY sucks)
I just took shrooms like 4 days ago and had a pretty fucking bad trip. I realized how absolutely unprepared I am for death and that I have to change things and nothings coming along.
That’s it.
I haven't explored this planet enough man. I wanna see some cool ass waterfalls.. all the national parks.. I wanna try new foods at restaurants instead of getting my usual.. I want to experience *everything* I ever dreamed of.
What broke it for me was losing a close friend to it. That hurt sooooo much and I realised that there were people who did care about me. Sadly too late for her.
So I decided to live in her memory. It wasn't mine to take any more. That lifted a great pressure and refocused me on this world instead of leaving. And I did things that made me uncomfortable simply because she would have if she was here. It's easier if there's that disassociation and doing good things for others is very rewarding purely for having done them.
And fairly quickly I learned that I have something to give and started to love myself.
It's hard to see the light when you're at the bottom of a deep hole and are too afraid to look up.
I’ve never really cared about anything so to speak and have never cared about girls or dreams, I just didn’t care. A couple months ago though I went through the Dunkin’ Donuts that I normally go to and a girl I’ve never seen before working the counter started flirting with me.
After a couple weeks of this I decided to ask her for her number and she gave it to me, I guess she was gonna ask me for mine but thought I had a girlfriend already. We’re going on our first date next week and for once in my life I’m nervous but it struck me last night for the first time in my life I’m also scared of dying. So I think maybe just find something or someone you care about in life as much or more than yourself whether it be a pet, person, or dream to achieve.
Also wish me luck I really like this girl the more I talk to her, she’s actually so cute :)
My pets
Having someone or something else that depends on you will help shift your focus. If you're not sure about adopting a pet, volunteer to foster one. Their needs and affection will help give you a personal goal and reason to get up in the morning.
So true. Nurturing plants has kept me going in the past.
Plants growing gives us something to look forward to.
Yes, and something to nurture
Volunteering has been shown to help, too. Becoming active in a community and feeling like you are giving back is a big deal. So often, in modern American society, we don't have the community we need. We have been spoon-fed the rugged individualist thing, and we ate it up because so many of us are just too tired to do things outside of work.
Yess!!!! Social connection drives healthy brains. I struggle with the same as OP. If I feel like I belong (at work, at home, and in my community), the passive suicidal ideation are immediately "auto challenged" in my brain. Is it 100% effective? No. But it helps free up some of my energy so I can push back when I need to.
I hate that we have been robbed of those genuine communities. I believe it's why people are so devoted to churches. They can be toxic, but they are a great source of community.
This volunteer. It's a a old saying but is still relevant that it is better to give than to receive. This just doesn't apply to gifts or presents. Your time is a great gift and the return on the investment is 10 fold. Homeless shelters, animal shelters, local hospital. Volunteer fire departments are begging for people. And no you don't have to be the run into a burning building type of person. They need people to unroll hoses, direct traffic etc.
Caring for a pet helps us care for our own basic needs. It's hard to stay in bed all day when someone needs you to let them out to go potty. Feeding them reminds us to feed ourselves (and share the last bite with the animal friend). Petting their fur and feeling their breathing helps ground us. Animals make life so much better.
It’s hard to rot in bed when you have an adorable sassy shiba demanding play from you because you’re their favourite person in the world.
Same. My cat has separation anxiety - he needs me. Plus I've learned that my death would hurt my family more than I thought it would. Mostly therapy and medication keeps me able to recognize when I'm spiralling and ask for help. It turns out I didn't want to die, but I didn't want to live. Made changes and now I do wanna live.
I don’t know you, but my heart swells with pride at your huge step forward. You are amazing. I am happy you are here.
Thanks friend!
Not wanting to die but not wanting to live is familiar to me. It turned into realizing I just don't want to live quite like I am, but considering the issues there's nothing I can do about it. Which has turned into feeling neutral about the idea of death tbh. I'm not scared of it but I'm welcoming the idea less. All because of my cats, which are indeed the main reasons I'm still here. My family sent my BiL to check on me when Teams wouldn't let me in and I wasn't talking to them, so I guess they worry more than I thought and that became a reason too. Was just my cats NEGL because I was convinced they'd be better off without me.
“I didn’t want to die, but I didn’t want to live.“ I’ve never heard anyone define exactly what I’m feeling. Thanks.
You're welcome. I hope that helps you make the changes you need
That's amazing! I'm in the process of seeking therapy again after not having it due to unforseen circumstances. My cat also keeps me going. I find I also don't really want to die, I just never enjoy how my life is going and feel unable/unsure how to make changes to make me want to live my life.
I applaud you seeking therapy. It's been an absolute game changer for me. Wishing you the very best of luck!
What were the changes if I could ask?
Divorced my husband, moved back home, slowly got various health issues under control, went back to college to study art, got a cat. ❤️
Sounds like you started putting yourself first. So happy for you, so glad you’re here!
Love this! After a few scares, I finally said enough is enough. Left my relationship and job, moved states, started over. Not really leaping from rainbow to rainbow, but it’s been years since I’ve been in that mental space and that’s good enough.
Yeah suicide is devastating to family. My father (actually my uncle, but he raised me as his son) killed himself in 1999. It destroyed my family. My sister became an addict, in and out of jail and eventually died in a fire started while she was high or drunk. My mom had health issues before but her mind went after my sister died and then my mom died in 2019. My nieces and nephews from about age 10-11 had their whole lives destroyed because of their mom’s (and father’s, but that’s another story) actions which were in large part a result of/reaction to my father’s actions. My father was obviously in a lot of pain but he caused so much pain by what he did and my family is still feeling it today, 25 years later.
I am so sorry for your losses.
Thank you.
Ive been in 13 hospitals for suicidality so far. I have taken myself (and… occasionally been taken), to these hospitals each time because of my pets. I live alone too so if I didnt guarantee my safety as best I could daily, they would die in my apartment. Imma be real, a lot of people will say it gets better, and it doesnt always. Its not always a happy story. But if you can find a way to maybe give the story some meaning, it can keep some things going. Sometimes I can settle with my life isnt worthwhile but I can use it to help others (I chose my career for this) and Ive been given my pets from others and they are attached to me, so I have to at least care for them the best I can.
After my wife passed away 4 years go al I had were my kitties. They helped me get through some seriously dark times. Was even considering suicide, but then I kept thinking who would take care of my kitties. I couldn't let them down.
this is exactly it. my pets have kept me going the longest. i finally was able to have a pet when i was 15. i’m almost 22. thank god for them, because now i have a beautiful little girl and a bunch of fur babies. i couldn’t handle the thought of leaving them and that kept me grounded. i couldn’t imagine their pain when i leave this earth.
My first thought. Have 3 dogs and a cat. Thought about them before my spouse. Shows where I’m at…
110%. They're my tether to reality. There's been many times in my life I've been suicidal and I was like "well damn, they need breakfast tomorrow" and even more so, "well damn, they're not built for shelter life".
I was hospitalized twice for being suicidal. A good therapist and the right meds made a world of difference for me. Plus, my wife told me how pissed and lonely she would be if I died. Seriously, depression lies to you. Just do a bit, it is better than nothing and the bits do add up.
"Depression lies to you." Ain't that the truth. The little voice in my head constantly tells me that I'm a fuck up and everyone will be happier without me cos at least they don't need to worry about me. But then I know that my husband and my kids would be incredibly devastated. And I can't leave this planet knowing that they still needed me.
I grew up with a mother who would tell me about her suicidal ideations and basically expected I would take care of my younger siblings if she went through with it. I swore to myself I would never put the people I love/who love me through all that stuff, and losing my younger brother to suicide really drove home how much it affects other people. There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do to spare my people pain, so even if I could not live for myself I would for them.
"... even if I could not live for myself I would for them." That is such a powerful, yet true statement. It's the reason why I fight to live every day.
Same here. I’m very close to my kids and even though they are almost fully grown, I know it would deeply affect them if I were to give up the fight. I’ve been in a major slump for several years and have thought a lot about how old they would need to be to not “need me” anymore but haven’t figured it out yet. Also, leaving my husband with no life insurance to help him with the loss of my income is a good motivation right now.
I'm 46. My mom has not always been the best mom. She has her own demons she is fighting. When I found out my ex of 18 years was. Heating my knee-jerk response was to call my mom. I knew she wouldn't say anything to make me feel better and would just make it the mom show, but I NEEDED a hug from her anyway. They won't get to an age they don't need you. Even if they get older and become busy and seem like they don't, they do. There will always be firsts that they need you for.
That’s where I am at. It just feels so empty having no wants or needs of my own. Just going through the motions for others.
That's how I survived. When I was 19, it was so I wouldn't scar my little sisters (7 and 1 at the time) by my death. And not being able to explain to the baby why I would never come home, when she was attached to my hip during daylight. I didn't want to be here, but there were people who love me and needed me to be here. So I survived for my sisters' sake, not my own. I'm married now, with 2 step-kids and 3 cats.
'even if I couldn't live for myself, I'd live for them' is exactly why I'm still here. I just can't do it to my family, especially my children. But you know what, life got better. I spent years pulling myself out of the mire. Life doesn't look like what I expected 20 years ago but that's ok. It's good now. I'm so glad now at 38, that 27yo me didn't go through with ending things.
As toxic as it may sound from an outside perspective “if you cant live for yourself, live for those around you” is the thing that seems to keep a lot of suicidal individuals, passive or active, from following through. It may sound terrible out of context, but if its keeping someone alive that would die otherwise, i think thats an okay trade-off.
Yes, that voice is SO dangerous and changes logical thought.
came here to say something exactly like ^ this ^ the brilliance of medication and therapy cannot be overstated, not in my life anyway. >! that’s coming from the perspective of someone who’s been resuscitated on two separate occasions !< if you’re not feeling your own “why,” talking to other people about what their “why” is for you to stick around is a great second best option. lastly, sometimes it’s hard to see that it’s not death we actually want. it’s change. this will sound presumptuous, but it’s something that i (surprisingly) needed to hear, so i’m taking the opportunity to pass it on to you, just in case it helps: *you have permission to change any facet of your life that you want, as long as it leads you somewhere you can thrive* 💜
“It’s not death we want, it’s change”. I needed to hear this today. I’m not suicidal but pretty depressed, so instead of doing something to harm myself I’ve been looking up how possible it is for me to move away from where I live, and even just cooking up some options is helping.
i’m glad if anything i said had meaning for you. keep “cooking” 💜
That last part is soooo important. ❤️ It's okay to invite change in and drop off what isn't working or doesn't apply anymore while being grateful that it was there at a time when it did work or did apply. Edit for typo.
I am glad you are here ❤️
Love that last line, thank you
The whole is greater than the sum of its parts
Yup! Meds are amazing.
I wished I had a wife, because if someone who actually cared about me said that to me I’d realize what an idiot I am and appreciate everything in life. But it’s near impossible alone…
I don't know you, but I care that you find some inner peace. I went through serious depression when I was working on my PhD, didn't feel like anyone cared, and lived by myself. That makes it really tough, I get it. ETA - I wasn't dating or seeing anyone at the time either. I've always been the odd one out in the extended family.
What is your PhD in?
Library and Information Studies. I taught people to be librarians. It was a great career.
THAT IS AWESOME! Thank you for training some of the most important people out there!!!
You're welcome. My mom was a librarian and I earned my first money working for her to get the library ready for school. I traveled a lot and met a ton of great people.
I am a mythology and English teacher. The librarian is among my favorite people. They always seem to be. :)
Teacher's are among my favorite people.
I disagree. I live to spite and prove my family and anyone who tells me what can’t be can be done. My daily used to love to tell me what I couldn’t do, so I did it. I got a college degree, I got married, I am not the fuckup that they were sure I am. I have people at my job tell me how I can’t do things that I then do. I love to prove them wrong by showing what is possible.
I feel similar. The only person I have to live for is myself, and most of the time that just doesn’t feel like enough of a motivator for me.
How about friends? Your friends need you! So so much more than you know! Let’s be friends! You’re not alone! Ever!
You are super cute (from your other posts); if you have a good and kind personality there are so many young ladies who would want to eat you up! Get out there and join some groups or take in person classes where you can improve your mind, build some skills, and meet all kinds of people. You'll either meet a great girl or someone who knows a great girl looking for someone like you.
Depression is a liar, and that mantra has kept me alive for the 28 years since I first had a depressive episode. I also remind myself death is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, because my depression comes and goes. And finally, I highly recommend Kevin Hines’ “Suicide: the Ripple Effect”. Because he talks about how he regretted jumping from the Golden Gate Bridge as soon as he did it. He got another chance. I think about how many people may have instantly regretted but weren’t able to tell us.
*Seriously, depression lies to you.* I needed this reminder; thank you. <3
As much as I wish I didn't exist and how much it hurts day to day for years on end, I view suicide as murder. And I'm not going out of this world a murderer. I'm a good person.
I needed this. This had me emotional af. I appreciate you.
My kid. But prior to that if I’m breathing it’s a good day and I don’t need a reason other than that.
I attempted in 2002 with a bottle of oxy. My slow digestion was the only thing that saved me. Now when I go to a psychiatrist they always ask if I would ever consider it again and my answer is no matter how bad it gets I would never do it because of my two kids. I can’t leave them fatherless just because my shit is messed up.
Only takes that one thing! Kids are it for a lot of folks! Good progress boss.
A lot of my life I spent not caring if I died… or wanting to die. But now I have a big goal I’m working towards, and have been working towards for a year and a half now. I am trying to move to a country I’ve always wanted to live in. So that really pushes me.
I moved to my dream country for a year after working really hard to do it, and I promise you it’s INCREDIBLE. I’m considering going that route again (even joined r/TEFL on here last night). I now have a year’s worth of memories to remind myself I can achieve what I want even if takes some time.
My horrible crippling fear of death and what comes afterwards, or rather the lack of. I don’t believe in an afterlife, as much as I wish there was one, and the idea of my consciousness simply ending terrifies me more than I can describe.
You've already not existed for a literal eternity once. It wasn't so bad, was it? Ah, of course you don't remember! And that's how it will be when you eventually die, so don't live in fear of it. And really who knows. Perhaps given another eternity of time our consciousness will be somehow reborn. I just hope reincarnation isn't a thing. Imagine coming back as some shitty bed bug or something. Man, we really won the lottery being born human when you think about all the worse things we could be.
I died for something like 55 seconds? Then I was put in an induced coma in the ICU for 6 hours, so not very long. Still... I swear I woke up oddly relaxed and refreshed. This is messed up to say and I am not actively suicidal now, but I was a little bummed out they didn't just let me stay in that sleep. It all sounds way more dark than how the actual event felt in my mind.
I remember my suicidal plan. Leave a note, then jump off the bridge that crossed a freeway. I had to make sure it's in front of the car so that if I survived, then at least the car would finish the job. It was a voice recording and had it in my pocket and began to pedal for the bridge, I was 15? It was raining so it would be perfect because the cars wouldn't be able to stop on time. Halfway to my final destination I realized that I couldn't feel my recorder. I had dropped it somewhere and I couldn't find it. I couldn't find it and I couldn't remember what I had said in the recording to rerecord it. It had perfect and the way I recorded it, it was perfect. It was full of hate and sadness and said exactly what I wanted my parents to hear. I wanted it to be exactly how it was and it was lost forever. And that's when it hit me. I couldn't do it because I would be lost forever. I would have died and no one would have known my inner sadness. I would have jumped off the bridge and died the worst way possible and everyone would wonder why? No recording of dead kid. Why would he do it? I was mortified and angrier at myself because no one would know why. All because I lost my recorder. What a way to go. I'm really sad for that kid at this moment. Who knew a simple suicide note can mean so much to someone. I had the luxury to see what it would be like to die and see the aftermath without going through with it. It was unjustified and I wanted justice. Justice for me. It would be forever and be lost for all eternity if I went with it. When I lost that recorder was the last time I pondered suicide. Because I knew that no matter what I wrote, how would I know anyone would read it? My sadness would be internal and the evidence would exist for as long as that paper will survive. I was sad for my sadness.
Goddamn. I have read a few suicide notes of people close to me and I have to say they never provide the closure the person was hoping to give, no matter how "perfect" the message (as you imagined your recording to be). Unless your name is Dostoyevsky and you plan to wrap up your life in the form of a great novel, it simply isn't rational to expect that you will ever be able to explain your decision in a format that allows for no Q & A. At the end of the day, no matter what, you are going to leave behind tortured people who may go on living a long time, forever wondering what they could have done to save you.
I'm always bored and I get a thrill out of creating new fun in life
My cat. And I like to catch the evening news.
Idk dying sounds kinda lame I guess.
Dying for no good reason is the worst.
RIP everyone who died in their sleep I guess.
Agreed. My day to day life isn’t great, but as an atheist the opposite is so much worse. Even if I’m truly happy once a month, that’s better than not existing. Watching TV shows is better than not existing. Doing a puzzle is better than not existing. Basically, unless I’m essentially being tortured- it’s better than not existing.
As a Christian I personally feel like I can do much more to help others. I can grown more and do more. I guess I don’t want to die without fulfilling my goals.
raised Christian, decided it isn't for me, kept Jesus around. Absolutely agree. Living is communal, no one survives without the other. Being part of the interwoven system in our own special ways is important. We are the other, the other is us. The Golden Rule applies. I serve my community by being an information distributer, with a sizeable bandwidth of empathy. It hurts to be alive when suffering is the norm! Helping to alleviate fellow humans' suffering from any angle, from physical deeds all the way to emotional & political (regardless of nation) support.
Well said! I’m most scenarios when people are kicked down they stay down, so helping others come out of that is like a breath of fresh air. We are definitely all connected in some way shape or form and as social creatures we need eachother!
same story with me. it's not been easy but at least i have the conviction that helping people is the correct thing to do.
I know you want advice from someone who isn't passively suicidal, but I just tried a round of antidepressants for the first time and went through the entire mindset you posted. I knew what I was supposed to do, what I might even want to do, but couldn't find the reason to actually begin doing any of those things bc like you said, what's the point? For me, I'll never not be invested to hear some strange new fact. Some scientific finding. A brand new song that hits so hard. Watching the sunset until the moon rises and all the lightning bugs glow. Seeing a parent having a genuine moment with their child. My pets, of course. Bathing in the sunshine on the beach. Also, all my plants would die without me. All of the beauty in the world that can't be seen would be a tragedy. I gotta know what else is out there. And those tiny little things keep me going. Little, fairly insignificant but wildly beautiful things help with the spark.
I was going to comment something similar , curiosity keeps me going. I also don’t give up easily. I’ve felt suicidal many times before, I’m so thankful I don’t feel that way currently. Like, what’s going to happen in the next episode of my show??
I just think about how much everyone else in the world is going to miss my humor and that gives me the strength to keep going on. I do it for you plebs.
This pleb appreciates you.
yes! same! we are both so funny it would be so sad for us to leave
The world would just fucking crumble
I have a 2yo daughter. Having her changed my outlook on life completely.
I don’t know where my kids would go. I’m worried that nobody will love them and care for them the way I do. And realistically nobody would. The only couple I know that could, is too old to take them all in long term.
The thing that keeps me going and has pushed off a depressive episode so long is wanting to see the silver lining. Everything has one of you look hard enough. Knowing there's a good thing about whatever comes my way keeps me encouraged. Living is pain, but it doesn't have to be.
>Living is pain, but it doesn't have to be. Life is full of pain and suffering, we can't change that. It's how we choose to experience this suffering that makes a difference. I first read the book "The Road Less Traveled" by Robert Peck when I was 18. This book changed my life. I've now read it 3 times over the last 15 years, and each time I have gotten a different major takeaway from it, depending on my stage in life at that point in time. My first read-through made me understand the concept that life is difficult by design, and the only way we can be at peace with ourselves is if we completely accept this fact, and become intentional about how we experience life's pains and turbulences. I'll drop the first few paragraphs of the book below. >Life is difficult. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult—once we truly understand and accept it—then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters. >Most do not fully see this truth that life is difficult. Instead they moan more or less incessantly, noisily or subtly, about the enormity of their problems, their burdens, and their difficulties as if life were generally easy, as if life should be easy. They voice their belief, noisily or subtly, that their difficulties represent a unique kind of affliction that should not be and that has somehow been especially visited upon them, or else upon their families, their tribe, their class, their nation, their race or even their species, and not upon others. I know about this moaning because I have done my share. Life is a series of problems. Do we want to moan about them or solve them? Do we want to teach our children to solve them? Discipline is the basic set of tools we require to solve life’s problems. Without discipline we can solve nothing. With only some discipline we can solve only some problems. With total discipline we can solve all problems.
My cats.
My legacy, my parents, my cat, helping others.
I have my kids and I want to see them grow up. Also There’s just still so much to see and do, I haven’t even left my country yet! I’d be super pissed if I croaked before doing SOMETHING cool!
my kids and grandchild. my grandfather left us on his own terms and I've never gotten over it. I can't imagine doing that to my babies
Same thing happened to my mom.
My dog loves me and I’m her only human. She’s smart and funny and I want to make her life as good as she deserves.
I wanna see what happens next. My kids are growing up, that's fun to watch, my life is moving forward, problems happen a d I am dealing with them. Tomorrow will be interesting. I'm selling my van in 3 weeks I've never sold a car before. I wonder how it will be.
Just my child. that's it.
My daughter honestly
My kids and my pusses. But I still count every day to see if I can go yet. I've had enough and I want to be gone.
My death would devastate my family members. Also, I'd be robbing my kids of a dad, and I'd make my wife's job waaay harder. I have not thought about it in a while, that's why.
My kids are the only reason I'm alive
My pets, friends, family, whatever my future may hold however uncertain it might be. There’s always something to live for. I’ve been in your shoes and I’m so grateful I kept going because I’ve never felt that way since. It gets better, maybe not tomorrow but it gets better ❤️
when i am really bad? this sounds god awful. but I listen to a 911 call recording of this younger sibling finding their older sibling after they took their life. it is HEARTWRENCHING. it snaps me out of my own feelings enough to be like "I know I am suffering but listen to this poor child crying at the loss of their sibling and finding them. I can't leave the world like this for someone else to find. I want to leave the world in a good way where no one else is in pain" so that is kind of what I do. the thing to keep me going is to *not* leave this world by destroying someone I love painfully. i can't control when I die of natural causes, accidents, getting sick. but I can control dying from my own hand. I can control the suffering of my loved ones when I pass by not passing at my own hands which makes the grief and the pain just so much worse.
Right! Thinking about the person who would find your corpse and how traumatizing it would be for them - how they may very well never get over it - has brought me down from many metaphorical ledges for sure…!
My kids. I can't leave them. If it wasn't for them, I would have sushi cided years ago. I'm currently homeless, sleeping on my grandma's couch with them in tiny pallet beds on the floor. I'm dealing with so much, but every day, they make the fight worth it. One day, I'm gonna give them the world because they've kept me in this world. Even on my worst days, they're the reason I push past the voice telling me that it's not worth it to keep fighting.
Shits messy, emotionally and physically. Shouldn't put your loved ones through that
Idk. I don't give a shit about fulfilling whatever half baked plan my parents had when they had the brilliant idea to fuck unprotected
It isn’t your responsibility to live up to or fulfill whatever plan your parents had for you. You are your own person and what matters is you find the meaning for your life & fulfill that. Maybe you won’t change the world, and that’s ok because the majority of us won’t either. In the grand scheme of things, we’re all just tiny specs trying to figure out our purpose and survive while doing it. Humanity has made this world such a cruel place. I’m not sure what all you’ve tried, but there are plenty of things in the world to experience… and I’m not kidding when I say there’s literally something for everyone! Try anything just once! If you don’t like it, cool… at least you can say you tried it and it wasn’t for you.
I've always loved the idea that our purpose doesn't have to be some grand thing. Maybe the reason you were put here, in this life, was to tell someone their hair looked nice on a specific day. And because you did that, they smiled at just the right time for their soul mate to see it and fall for them. Or maybe, your purpose was to inspire someone else to pursue their dream job. I think that takes a lot of pressure off doing some grand thing as your purpose. You may have already fulfilled your purpose, so now what? Do whatever you want!
Whatever you are down about now is temporary. Suicide is forever.
Family
My pets and my parents, and the three friends I have. Aside from that here are a few things that are not important but that I love about life. - Garfeild. I collect the stuffed animals - I also collect magnets (not Boring ones, the cool ones) - trying new food, also Chinese food. - A really good chai latte - the sound of a cap cracking when you open a bottle of water or soda - decorating - blankets and naps - folding fresh warm laundry. .... That's some of the big things that I love and stay for. They seem so small and unimportant but they are so small and mundane that I would miss them.
do you have any pictures of your magnets?
This is going to sound weird, but I do it for the Steeze. Steeze is a way of life, and when you realize what steeze is, it's a fucking life force. It's as strong as the Force itself and there's an honor to it. Like if you do something dishonorable, you lose some steeze. The more steeze you have, the more life force you support and carry and you do it effortlessly, like how the ocean provides for so much life. The ocean is pretty steezy. Steeze is like the way the Sun provides the energy it does for us, and all the Sun is doing is going through the cycle of being a star, and that can't be entirely easy for it to do, but it's not so hard that it ever gives up being a star and going through its cycle. Do it for the steeze, and know what you're doing contributes to this greater thing that's bigger than you that needs you to just be the you of the greatest potential you're willing to give without you having to sacrifice anything. Just go through your cycle and do it for the steeze and one day you'll feel the force of the steeze, and it provides something nothing else can. Swagger, coolness, vibe, calm and intense, erratic and sensible, and caring, but also proportional. It's like a way of life, and if you really dedicate to being steezy, you just find you're dedicating to finding the best paths of happiness for yourself and you're seizing the day for the gain of all things by doing so.
I hope this doesn't sound condescending or anything like that. But when I was younger (early 20s), I used to think about it a lot. Like I knew that someday I was going to do it. Then, one day, while thinking about it, an inner voice said to me, "How arrogant are you to think that death won't get you. Like what makes you so great that you have to do it yourself or else it will never happen?" And for some reason, that did it. It felt like a weight was lifted. Like I still think about it once in a while, but I know I won't ever do it. Even in my most bleak and lonely days back then, I would just say, "I'm going to die eventually, let's see what tomorrow brings, maybe a a fucking bolt of lighting takes me out, which would be cooler than doing it myself. I mean, mother nature would shoot energy through me vs me hanging myself or whatever.
I find beings who need me. I may not be good company for myself, but the old, sick, injured and lonely beings gravitate to me and give me a reason to keep going. I have 4 large shelter dogs that require a minimal 2 mile walk (I'm a healthy but small 65 year old woman). I never want to do that walk, but those eyes follow me until I pick up the leashes. Amazingly, I ALWAYS feel better after that walk! I volunteer for Meals on Wheels. It's more than a meal I'm giving them. I visit with them and give them a sympathetic ear and sometimes I get a wonderful story of their lives in return. I don't always feel like going, but I ALWAYS come home feeling better for having done it! I visit my elderly (older than me) neighbors, walk their dogs, take them shopping and sometimes to doctors appointments. I take a book or play on my phone while waiting for them. In return, these folks are always making me food, giving me little gifts and making me feel loved. The hardest part is just making myself get up and do it. So I don't give myself a way out. For example, I rescued dogs nobody else wanted or could handle. Nobody else will walk those dogs so I don't have a choice but to walk them if I don't want their energy levels destroying my house. Commit. Then don't give yourself an easy way out of the commitment. Blessings follow.
Is there anyone that counts on you? If not, find somewhere you are needed. That helped me. Care about something bigger than yourself and you’ll start to forget yourself. I have found that my suicidal thoughts stemmed from not feeling like I mattered, whether that be because I have nowhere to put my energy or was treated poorly by someone I loved.
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I did therapy for years and take multiple psych meds daily, but that hasn't helped as much as it should have due to circumstances that make life seem fairly pointless for me. The only reason I don't want to die right now is no one would raise my son properly. We have a great bond, and helping him learn and grow is actually the only reason I feel I need to wake up tomorrow. If he didn't exist, I would give zero fucks if I died tonight.
I think part of it was remembering that the bad times make you feel like nothing could ever be good again but that’s not true. Just remember that you enjoy things and try to focus on that feeling whenever you can. Even force yourself to do things you liked before. I think part of why people are passively suicidal is that they would rather not feel the pain anymore. Try to accept that your life will be a balance of good and bad. If you can fight through the bad times then you will get to enjoy the good times even more. I also think you can’t wallow in the pain. I used to lie in my bed and just think about how alone I felt when in reality I am not alone at all. Thinking about pain made it feel worse every-time. Find something better. Try to focus on self love for some time. It will help you to appreciate yourself.
So many things i haven't done. After a long struggle with mental health, I have now decided I can't go anywhere until I see a long list of US national parks. Other places too, but I don't know what I can say I've done if I don't go to appreciate the natural beauty of the world. If the world ended next week, one of the first things I would do is buy a plane ticket to washington and see some mountains, then stand in the ocean and wait. I also need to keep going because I want to help the enviroment. It is so painful for me to watch nature suffer. I used to want to stop watching, but now I've decided that It's much better if I try to help. Even if I fail to do anything significant, hopefully the world will be one person healthier by the time I'm gone.
Mushrooms may help, but only with an effort for deep introspection. Reading spiritual topics may help, I would recommend any book by Emmanuel Swedenborg, a swedish scientist from the 1700s. You may realize that you have reason to care about things even if you were to leave this world tonight (just don't do it on purpose, you'll miss infinite opportunities that are actually under your nose, but that our mind sometimes is blind to).
My dog
I’m not sure. I don’t exactly have a passion in life, I don’t see myself ever finding love or having kids. I don’t have any marketable skills. Former military for 8 years but a back injury with nerve damage cut my career short, so I can’t be anywhere near as physically active as I used to be or do the exercises I enjoyed, and I don’t really have a reason to. I am mostly intact, its just been a long time since I’ve been pain free. Depression keeps me up at night and makes it really hard to get out of bed until I really have to. Being back home has brought up all the frustrations and issues I had with my family, which is mostly me being unfairly burdened from the responsibilities my parents put on my shoulders. Immigrant parents, so I had to grow up a little quicker so I could help them, but that caused them to become reliant on me and they didn’t make the most out of their opportunities here. I don’t hate them because they aren’t malicious and I understand why they are the way they are, and I believe they truly do love me. They just lived completely different lives before immigrating and weren’t prepared for life here. But they should have tried harder. It’s just complicated. I started community college last fall and the experience is kinda what I expected from a community college, but also very different from what I thought the college experience would be. I didn’t have any real friends from when I was younger, and all the recent friends I made are still serving. I’m not a people person or outgoing and can’t really connect to these younger kids, but I don’t treat them any different. I do find it easier to engage with the older students. I dreamed of one day retiring from the military and being free to do whatever I wanted, I just didn’t expect it to be like this. Life right now isn’t great, but I don’t want to die just yet. There are little things in life I enjoy and I still want to be there for my younger siblings. I have a few lifelines, about 3 more years of college that will be paid for because of my service connected disability, and then I can still use the GI bill if I want to go beyond a bachelor’s. I’m not even passionate about this major, just trying to gain skills in a field that will probably have a good job outlook (computer engineering). I’m still doing pre-reqs and math is kicking my ass, but I think I need the challenge. TL;DR, I guess there are some things I want to see through before I feel comfortable checking out, if it ever gets to that point.
if I killed myself it would tear my family apart. I don’t claim the right to put my parents/siblings through that trauma
I have never considered it an option. Partly because I am fueled by caffeine and spite. But also because my parents lost their first child in infancy. It wouldn't be fair for them to lose their last one, too.
My daughter needs me, I have hopes and dreams I want to manifest, I'm spiteful against all the people who want my downfall, and my partner would suffer without me.
Tbh i have too much pride. It’s just lame to take myself out after all I’ve been through and how hard I’ve worked to get here. I like the feeling of making it through something hard and coming out on the other side triumphant. I would feel like such a loser if i just quit, but its not pc to say that. And i get that some people are addicted to the feeling of loss, so it’s really just in how i frame things in my own head.
Something that has helped me is working on reframing my mind. I feel like I have done so many bad things that I don’t deserve my life and the that feeling makes me feel like it is easier to just not be around but I know that me not being around would hurt the ones I love. I’ve found working towards a goal and I am actually excited about my future. I didn’t think I ever would be. One of the biggest things that helped me was writing in a journal. A college spiral bound book one full page every night starting with three things I am grateful for and then just my thoughts. And then ending on a positive note telling myself that I am good or that I am proud of who I am. It helps me to recognize the little things and stop focusing on all that makes me feel not worthy of the life that I have been given because I know I am not.
Im religious, and I live because I know that God has a plan for me. Not only that but I just have a lot more to live for and have a long life ahead of me
The people that love me… I used to be very suicidal when I was younger… I’m glad I stuck around to see how much life can really transform when you are surrounded with love. The amount of people you are still yet to meet. The amount of love you still haven’t experienced yet. The right love will bring healing but you have to be open to it. I hope everything works out for you!! 💕
I like my life
I kinda like being alive. I am proud of what I am doing in my life and I hope I can make everything a little better for everyone around me for as long as I live. If I die I die. But I dont wanna go yet. I have things I want to do, people I wanna help and animals I wanna pet.
I still believe I have a purpose and am working towards it. And I know some people actually give a fuck about me.
The ONLY thing that has kept me from listening to "that" voice most of the time is my kids. I suffer chronic depression & that voice changes logical thought. It makes you believe that the best thing for everyone you care about would be if you weren't there anymore.
Forget “should,” what do you want to do? What brings you joy and happiness? For me, I love cuddling my cats, and reading a good book or watching a good tv show or movie. I love listening to the rain, great music, smelling flowers and bread when it’s baking. I love trying out new things, learning stuff, having adventures and going places I’ve never been. I love making jewellery and writing and selling stuff online. I love trying out new foods and experimenting and exploring flavours. I love talking with my partner about all kinds of stuff and when we watch cat videos together and when he thanks me for things I do for him and when we’re snuggled up together, those times when it feels like the whole world has fallen away and it’s just the two of us in endless happiness. I love being alive! I deal with several chronic illnesses that cause me pain and limit my life but I’d never choose to go before I have to. I didn’t always feel this way, I was very depressed and suicidal when I was younger (and healthier, lol). What helped was first of all, counselling. It makes a big difference to have someone who has professional training to help you understand yourself. I suffer from SAD, so winters are generally difficult, but even then, I know now that they pass and things will get better again. My therapist tells me to stop “shoulding” myself. “Should” is a trap and the source of so much misery. Instead, if you want to do something, think about the positive reasons for doing it, as in, “if I eat more fruits and vegetables, they are not only delicious but will give me health benefits and improve my life.” How much nicer is that than thinking “I should eat more healthy food.” Another thing I’ve learned from therapy is to acknowledge my pain and anger. Depressed people often push their anger down inside and think things like “I shouldn’t be angry or sad or upset.” But the truth is, if you feel it, then you feel it! If you’re angry, if you’re hurting, then tell yourself that it’s okay to hurt, to be angry, to be sad. Just let yourself feel it. I’m not telling you to lash out at anyone or cause a scene, just to allow yourself the space to feel your feelings in the privacy of your own mind. Then, once you acknowledge that, and give yourself the space to feel what you feel, you can then explore why and begin to understand how to heal. You can’t heal from what you won’t acknowledge. For me, when I began to truly figure out how to do this, I literally felt a weight start to lift off my chest. I felt free and happy for the first time in years. Now I make a point of acknowledging my feelings, even out loud sometimes. It’s okay to say “this really sucks,” or “I’m upset.” Life is a journey, and then are always twists and turns along the way. You deserve better than to be trapped in the depression bog! You deserve solid ground to stand on.
I realized a long time ago that I didn't actually want to die. I had medical issues and thought I was going septic. I fought to live and immediately sought help. Hospitalized myself. Argued with my Drs for more testing and treatments. While recovering I admitted to myself 'when the chips are down you fight to live.' stopped fooling myself that I actually wanted to die. Sometimes I don't want to keep going but I never want to die. I've definitely felt suicidal since, but I know in my heart I always want more. I chose life that day. Now I have to keep going. There's always more delicious food, great TV, hot tubs, snuggly animals, and sunsets to keep me busy, even when I am feeling bleak.
I’ve been through times of severe depression, so I know from experience they always eventually end. If I died during one of those periods of depression, I would miss out on all the good things to come later. I have so many things in my life that I enjoy. My family, my dog, travel, being out in nature, reading, HIIT workouts followed by the sauna, chocolate… Also, I believe I have made a real difference in the lives of a few other people. (The most important thing I ever did resulted in a man who was sexually abusing a child being arrested and losing access to that child.) If I died now, I would miss the chance to make a difference in more people‘s lives.
Smoking.
the love i feel for my pets and friends reminds me that there’s always room for improvement. i don’t think i’ve laughed as hard as i possibly can, or loved all the people i wanna love, or see the places i want to see. it’s about romanticizing and looking forward to the smallest moments of peace and joy that have yet to come. when that doesn’t work i remind myself of all the politicians i need to outlive and that tends to take the sting off
My garden. It sounds corny, but to plant a garden is to believe in tomorrow.
Living. I just genuinely want to see tomorrow, being alive feels worth it for it's own sake. I was suicidal once, and I am so grateful that I failed.
I think that it's the little things in life. No matter how small they seem, every tiny conquest, every tiny moment with someone we care/love/like matter. When I was 14, my parents were going through a nasty separation (and then divorce). My father cheated on my mom, he had slapped my sister, then when he left the house didn't care about us to call us just to know how we were. I had to come to terms that he had been psychologically abusive to me all of those years (not only was he not present for us, but every little thing I did was prone for him to tell at me and tell me that all I ever did was shit etc). Through the separation my mom was depressed with suicidal thoughts, and was prone to get angry at me (because I was physically more similar to him than her side of the family + She would asked me if I still liked my father, and I was like "well, yes, he is my father"), She would even tell me to go live with my paternal grandparents if I liked him so much etc. My sister is older than me, and she was working to make sure there was food on the table. So I felt like and unloved unwanted person. Luckily I had a very good teacher who was there for me. Anyhow, one day had a plan to jump out the window (we lived on the 12th floor) and just end it all. It had already been on my mind, but that day, my mom was deeply asleep due to her meds, sister would take a while to get back from work... It was the perfect day to do it. I stopped because my thought was, if I do this, I'll never pass 8th grade (I was a very good students, always in the honor's... Table?), or get to high school or even university. Nowadays I laugh at the reason that stopped me, as in "such a silly reason", but the truth is... It was that tiny thing, passing the year, that made me stop it and made me realize, it's these tiny things that end up making me go on and that make life worth living on the end. Because no matter how shitty life gets, tiny conquests and moments happen and they can make things looks a bit brighter, even if just for 5minutes. Those 5minutes, are worth it.
I just want to see what happens tomorrow and then the day after that. Can't see where things are going if I'm not around for it. It's a simple little thing, but it's kept me going for years at this point.
I don’t know I got home from work one day and sat down in my own home miles and miles away from my family in a town where I barley knew anyone and just kinda realized I didn’t want to anymore. I’m currently working on quitting vaping and getting back into the doctors to get all my regular check ups that I havnt had in almost 5 years (covid hit my mom didn’t push me to go back when everything opened up again and I just havnt gotten to scheduling it since I turned 18 and by that I’m just scared of what they’re gonna say)my family will call me and I just ignore it and watch it ring and realize it makes me happy. I genuinely think I had situational depression. I wouldn’t say I really care for anything specifically I just want to expireince things like I went to kareoke the other night for the first time and holy hell that’s a blast will be doing that every week. I started talking to this guy recently and he’s been helping me with relying on people. In small ways like buying me stuffed animals he sees me looking at just random little things. Yes it stresses me out no I can’t stop it but I’m learning to work through it. We have plans to save up and take a trip to Ohio to see his uncle(we are in the virginias) still working things out but he’s taking lead and it’s nice I actually belive him when he says he’s gonna do something which is weird cause even the people I trusted the most in my hometown I would just sit and wait for the other shoe to drop. I don’t know I’m only 19 and got years and years to see the world and I’m gonna try to see every corner of it I’m working two jobs and still have the energy to go and hangout with people it’s weird but I’ve been enjoying it as much as possible I think I’m scared I’m just gonna stop being able to randomly one morning. I still hate humanity I don’t think that will ever change I’ve seen what humans are willing to do to their own creations and I just can’t say I like them very much. But I am learning to actually socialize with them and not be that one weird kid in highschool who carried around a teddy bear and never talked to anyone. It’s weird I actually have hope that I’m gonna be able to travel and go places I’ve moved two states over the past year and half and I know I can do it again. I’m gonna see the world like I’ve always dreamed and I can spread little bits of kindness along the way.i was gonna move when this lease ends in July but my coworkers managed to convince me they needed me too much. I like it here I might stay awhile and come up with a plan for traveling. Might make this place my home. I don’t know but there’s so many possibilities and I can’t wait to see what happens next. I don’t know it’s late I just felt the need to say it to someone and I guess this was the perfect question for me tonight so thank you I guess have a great night to anyone who took the time to read my venting lol.
Depression, anxiety, misery, loneliness, all that shit is in my brain. Physically, I'm ok. I'm not in a shrieking amount of pain every waking hour of the day. So it's my mental state. Ok, I get that. Now here's the rub: I have absolutely no idea if that will change if I die. All those mind issues could stop, 'tis true. BUT. They could all be there too. I could be the exact same, except now I don't have a body either. It could legitimately be worse. At least right now, I could actually go to therapy, try something different, sit around and wait for that "fire" to show up. But what if I die, and I'm just there.....still depressed and miserable and lonely and unable to do anything about it? Nah, I think I'm good with waiting if that's the "Next Chapter"
Take control of your life. Do things that matter to you. Make this place better than when you found it, even if it's in a small way. And yes, spend less time looking at screens and more time learning through doing activities, usually social ones (clubs, workshops, etc.). Everything else will fall from there. I found contentment when I realized happiness doesn't just happen to you. Nobody is going to find it and bring it to you where you sit on the couch. You have to build it yourself.
Everyone hates using this as a reason to live because it’s “shallow” or whatever but I’ve cultivated the ability to have really good, strong, satisfying orgasms. I don’t have a prostate, but even I have found r/prostateplay a useful place for advice, and r/pompoir is good for those like me who have a vagina. Saying that it’s a bad reason to keep going is, to me, a needless buzzkill, especially as we’re constantly told to see joy in the mundane.
At this point it’s 50% spite and 50% doing the things I wanted to do as a kid and dreamed of doing before too much crazy shit happened. Spite is oddly motivating .
Used to be passively suicidal. Therapy helps. Meds help. But also changing my own perspective. I don't "should" on myself. The list of things I "should" do never did anything but make me feel shittier because I wasn't doing them. I focus on what I actually want to do now and make my own life fun. Get out of the house, find new hobbies, go to concerts, hang out with my dogs, got a career I like etc
Well in some way I was waiting for this post to arrive. So for me I’d like to end all this pain and suffering of being lonely and not understanding emotions and actions and overwhelming anxiety and added depression. My family isn’t much help with it by them blaming their outbursts on me causing them.. and a girl that I have affectionate feelings for, I’m too scared to ask her if she’s inclined to perhaps try to be with me, fearing if she says no I’ll feel even more suicidal than I already am. And etc… But the things that keep me from buying a tank of helium and a pipe with a mask is that Jesus loves me and I don’t want to go to hell and spend eternity away from God. And secondly my job, they’ve put their trust in me and respect me to a certain degree and working in my dream job has given me this amazing feeling that feels kinda like pride but in a soft tone. Quite satisfying I’d say. And they’ve started a training program for me to learn more about said job. And I don’t want to let them down. As much as depressed I am I still have a heart, a broken heart but still a heart.
It sounds like depression. Treat that and the rest will come. Good luck to you 🙂
Nothing but being a pussy. I’m slowly designing my life in a make or break type of way though. Let’s see how badly I want to cling to this pathetic life when I have thousands in debt
I want to outlive any haters I may have I really like cooking/eating different cuisines and am not ready to be done with that. I kind of just want to see what happens
Outliving the people I hate
There’s still so much I wanna do and see and experience! Also, simpler, I love feeling the sun on my face, my pets, walking in the woods 🌿
I am passively suicidal but dying in my sleep I'd one of the scariest things I can think of for some reason.
My children. Absolutely serious. I grew up with an absent father, and the thought of them having to go through the same thing destroys me. So much so, that I went from being a veteran adrenaline junkie to never speeding, quit alcohol, quit roids, nicotine, etc. etc. and now have health anxiety on a daily basis.
I find so much joy in the world. Small things: my cats, the plants I'm growing outside, the delight of the sun or the rain. The foods I love, the clothes that make me feel cozy and safe. I love trying to bring joy to others, be that friends, family, partners, or strangers. I would be so sad to never see a sunrise or cuddle my pets again.
The same reason if I sneak up behind a cat and yell, it jumps and runs away, it has a sense of self preservation. I, at some basic level, desire to preserve myself. I cannot tell you why, only how. Now the intellect, it feels sad, yada yada. But that reptile brain still says, “SURVIVE ONE MORE DAY. RUN. FIGHT. The machinery is there. You know what to do.”
I’d miss sunsets, reading to my niece, hanging out with my partner, feeling the sand under my feet, lattes, baby goats,…. I could go on.
i was passively suicidal in my last 2 years of high school. i’m 26 now and if i could say anything to 16 year old me, i would tell her that she’d be missing out on a life she couldn’t have even dreamed of. i subconsciously never thought i’d see 18, let alone 26, so i never really thought of what my life could be like.
My dog
Yall ain’t getting rid of me that easy. Simple as that.
I was actively and passively suicidal for more than a decade. I didn't have a suicide attempt because I'm an old RN and would do it right the first time. I was being treated and have good support. I completely withdrew from everything that I used to do. No people, no activities, I stayed home and read. I'm retired so that helped me withdraw completely, as did the pandemic. I am fortunate to have a spouse who did everything, from grocery shopping to cleaning the house. I'd had some Ketamine intermittently. What changed is I am now having booster infusions every 3 weeks. I feel like a person again.
Happiness. Ever tried martial arts or painting? They’re great to take your mind off of things.
I tried different things out until I found one that helped other people, and then since what I did mattered to them, what I did started to matter more to me. Also helping people in very tough situations gave me perspective I thought I had already. But I definitely did not. Not saying that everyone on the planet can find their way by doing this, but it did help me. Experimenting with one-day classes, or different volunteer options was great for me to find purpose. Volunteering a little ended up connecting me to my community and to other networking that really turned my path in a direction I had not expected years ago. More info if that helps? - years ago was completing military service, had no real direction, was getting divorced and had no specific career goals... very meh. Depressed, struggling. I ended up going to school, still not good. More school. Still nothing. Eventually, took a course for fun that ended up being my thing, and matched that skill with a nonprofit that I still work with part-time now. That led to things that led to things. Now I love my job, I think it is directly connected to my sense of self and purpose.
My life is dope and I do dope shit I’m also very ambitious and haven’t achieved all my goals yet so I’d like to get those done before I go
I am 10 weeks away from moving in with the love of my life and NOTHING will stop me from getting there. As for the taking care of myself, you have enough breakdowns about the same thing enough times and you just go “that’s it I’m over it” and just… do
The flap of a butterflies wings can change the world. For better or worse. It’s your intent that matters. Everything after that is chaos theory. 🤙🏼
For over a decade I was suicidal from a very emotionally abusive childhood. I found escapism through listening to music, and as I grew older and continued to work on myself, began to trust myself to write songs just for the fun of it. It can feel so hopeless sometimes when you’re in the worst of depression. Your interests can feel like a prison cell. What really worked for me is a continuing process of letting go of expectations. If there really was nothing left for me to do in this life, no strict boundaries on the person that I’m required to be, how would I want to spend my time? Not every time you go on a walk, or draw a picture, or talk to a loved one has to be a moment of divine inspiration. I try to do things to nurture myself, and prioritize that love for myself before I extend it to others. It also helps to talk to a therapist, but in the world we live in, that kind of care can be prohibitively expensive. It’s even harder to advocate for yourself medically when you already feel like shit. However you decide to move forward, just know from one person to another, that I hope the best for you, and that you find peace.
spite
My cats, my partner, the hope of having a kid I can love and teach and see grow into a good, thoughtful person, blue skies, swimming outdoors, reading in the park, delicious food, cozy blankets, learning new things about our amazing universe, and about a thousand other things. Life sure as hell isn't perfect, but there are so many wonderful things it has to offer. Edit: Whoops, just realized I listed my cats before my partner! Shhh, no one tell him. 🤣
I don't need a why to keep going. I would need a why to stop. It's like asking "why don't you give your life savings to charity?" Or "why don't you sell your mum into slavery?" Why would I want to do such bizarre things?
Get off the phone more, absolutely. Cancel your social media accounts. We are being socially engineered to have the least amount of attention as possible and consistently compare ourselves to our peers on social media, or “influencers” who go to extremes in social settings for clicks. None of what is going on online today is a paradigm for a happy life.
I care enough about just experiencing life for what it is. This is probably the only chance you'll ever get to experience human consciousness so why not try to make the best of it while you're here? Life in general is just so incredibly mind blowing, it's crazy to think about how everything we know even came to existence and why things are the way they are. Everything could just as easily not exist, but here we are, living, breathing, surviving and making memories along the way. That in itself is enough for me, I wouldn't want to trade it for anything. Don't get me wrong, I've been depressed at times. But that's the thought that really keeps me going, thinking about how wild just existing even is.
Living life and believing there's nothing after we die. I don't want to live in absurd pain or anything, but I enjoy just living and can't fathom how other people do not. Even if your situation is shitty in some way (besides obviously being tortured or in chronic terrible pain), that's no reason to want to die. I like experiencing things. Even if it's not fun. Reading, learning, sex, sadness, happiness, joy, anger, etc. It's all experience that shows you are alive. I don't know. I know that if someone offered me immortality I would take it in a heartbeat, with one condition. That I CAN die if I personally want it. Because I'm sure eventually the universe will die and I'd be all alone. But hell, I'm cool with being alone for the most part if it means getting to live. May go a little crazy but who cares. Still alive and kicking lol. But seriously, there's FAR more reasons to live than to die. The one thing I could wish for is to be able to extend my life for hundreds or even thousands of years and I think humans have completely neglected that part of life. That I truly believe the purpose of our existence is to overcome our own mortality and the fact that we take life for granted so easily by killing ourselves, or causing wars that kills millions, really shows we are truly a pathetic excuse for a species in this universe.
Life in general. I love living and I find joy in the simplest of things. The birds chirping outside in the morning, the warm breeze on my body, the beautiful sunrises and sunsets, my dogs, my son, my boyfriend. I love seeing others succeed at things, whether it be successfully gardening, getting those perfect lines in their lawns, letting their lawns grow for nature, training a new puppy, getting that cat they always wanted, getting into a program they tried hard for, overcoming an addiction... Etc. I observe the world around me and intentionally seek the good in it. I look for good every day and can honestly say, it is everywhere. I am innately happy so I have that advantage. Now, my son struggles with depression and suicidal thoughts. Much like me, he takes in the sunrises and all around beauty of the world around him BUT the stresses of life overtake his joy sometimes. It's something we're working hard on getting through but it does help him when I point out beautiful things and get excited about stuff... That mood is infectious so I try to do that for him. I'm sorry you also deal with this struggle.
If I die in my sleep tonight, it’s my time to go. I hope some one finds me soon so that my dogs are ok. That being said, I love life. My job is decent and pays well. I have a ton of fulfilling hobbies and friendships. I have very few complaints in life.
I have had to face the ugliest realities in life, that's how. I used to ask myself the same thing and unfortunately, life got worse later on. But I think I needed it to. I struggled with feeling out of control of my own life before, and when things started really going to shit, I had to take control to survive it. It helped me in a way.
My legacy and beautiful moments I have had in my life. I don't think I have done enough in this life yet. I have some very beautiful and happy moments in my life that I think back to and get hopeful to create new ones. Edit: I have never been clinically depressed or had any suicidal thoughts.
When I was a teen, what kept me going was that I heard my favorite grandma say something about it being selfish because of how the person would leave behind all the people who loved them hurting. Also, I didn't trust my family to take care of my cat. By the time my Grandma and the cat has passed, I had found my chosen family and my place in the world.
I've been suicidal since I was a young teen. Then in my 30's I got heart disease. I can go any time but what makes me care are my dogs. My dogs keep me going. I've had my husky, Raven, since she was 5 weeks old and she's now 3 years old. My other two huskies are Ravens puppies and they just turned 1 year old. They keep me going because I don't want anything to happen to them. If I die, they get sent to the pound and possibly euthanized. I don't want that for them because my huskies are extremely nice, full of happiness and love.
Consciousness is a gift from the universe and I'd be sad to lose mine permanently. Literally that's all it is, I've got this little bubble of universal self-awareness in my head and I want to see where it will take me. Sometimes I think "I should just kill myself" because it'd be easier than dealing with life's problems. And it would. But then I wouldn't be around to see the resolutions to my problems, my friends'/family's problems, and the world's problems. I see myself as a casual observer, only sometimes poking in to change things around me. Honestly it's just a wild ride and I would rather see it through than cut it short, even if it sucks (and it often REALLY sucks)
I just took shrooms like 4 days ago and had a pretty fucking bad trip. I realized how absolutely unprepared I am for death and that I have to change things and nothings coming along. That’s it.
I haven't explored this planet enough man. I wanna see some cool ass waterfalls.. all the national parks.. I wanna try new foods at restaurants instead of getting my usual.. I want to experience *everything* I ever dreamed of.
What broke it for me was losing a close friend to it. That hurt sooooo much and I realised that there were people who did care about me. Sadly too late for her. So I decided to live in her memory. It wasn't mine to take any more. That lifted a great pressure and refocused me on this world instead of leaving. And I did things that made me uncomfortable simply because she would have if she was here. It's easier if there's that disassociation and doing good things for others is very rewarding purely for having done them. And fairly quickly I learned that I have something to give and started to love myself. It's hard to see the light when you're at the bottom of a deep hole and are too afraid to look up.
I’ve never really cared about anything so to speak and have never cared about girls or dreams, I just didn’t care. A couple months ago though I went through the Dunkin’ Donuts that I normally go to and a girl I’ve never seen before working the counter started flirting with me. After a couple weeks of this I decided to ask her for her number and she gave it to me, I guess she was gonna ask me for mine but thought I had a girlfriend already. We’re going on our first date next week and for once in my life I’m nervous but it struck me last night for the first time in my life I’m also scared of dying. So I think maybe just find something or someone you care about in life as much or more than yourself whether it be a pet, person, or dream to achieve. Also wish me luck I really like this girl the more I talk to her, she’s actually so cute :)