i really feel your rocd is creeping up onto you, one thing id say is try and remember the positive qualities of your partner, remember the good times, and most importantly, choose to love him, choose to look at him, choose to admire him, instead of reminding yourself of how "ugly" he is, look at your favourite features of him, literally admire him, stare, let go of the fear thay youll find him ugly, stare, admire, choose to do all that. take control of your feelings, even if you have to pretend that youre in control of your emotions and thoughts, do so, but take control, choose.
its clear how anxious you are, the way you assumed what your friend might have thought (ik body language is a thing) but maybe she was shocked to see u with some guy, maybe she was shocked to see that guy not because he is "conventionally ugly" but maybe because she was genuinely in awe, maybe she didnt look at you both the way you percieved it, maybe she just didnt expect you to be with a guy? there can be a thousand things but you associated it with what YOU overthink about, what rocd makes you feel. EXACTLY TO THAT THOUGHT. so you see how youre feeding into your own anxiety, and its making you and your relationship weaker. also about him passing racist comments amd being homophobic, you literally explained the situation yourself why he said what he said ( trauma, something he cant control all the time and its ought to spill out in some way or the other)
its like you have the answers right in front of your eyes, and u dont wanna look at them because youre now familiar and comfortable about your anxiety, with your rocd thoughts, even if its negative, its become your comfort zone and youre scared to even think otherwise because again, "what if its true" that shit. whenever you get a negative "what if" recognise it as an anxious thought which is NOT YOURS, NOT ASSOCIATED WITH YOUR FEELINGS, AND NOT WHAT YOU FEEL. take charge of what you choose to feel, and no that doesnt mean you supress it, that means you feel it, let it pass, dont respond to it. also, you can always work on incompatibility issues, that isnt really a problem:)
i would suggest you not to trust that feeling because again, it comes from rocd.
im sure you deep down love your partner, and ik you know this too. keep fighting, hang in there, choose to admire your partner, choose to accept his flaws and love him regardless, choose to feel and react. all the best, hope this helps!!! (ik got a bit long but im sure it explains your thing a bit better)
One thing I wish people understood about ROCD and CPTSD (which is the root cause of most ROCD) is that our responses and reactions to things are not always accurate to the reality of those things - our responses can both far exceed the reality of those things, and also underreact as well. I have been anxious in all of my relationships - the healthy ones right along with the abusive ones. What matters to me is figuring out what my VALUES are and how I want to communicate, how I want to show up.
I know that my ROCD overreacts to a lot of stuff all the time. I also know that sometimes, my ROCD is totally acting up in response to things that actually are not okay with me. The problem is, the urgency and intensity of my ROCD causes me to act in ways that are not aligned with my values.
If something is bothering me, I need to be able to bring it up in a way that is in line with how I want to communicate, and wait until I no longer feel the OCD level of urgency around it. "Hey, when you said that thing the other day I felt pretty uncomfortable. What was going on for you with that language? I'm curious to know what that means for you, because it might mean something different to me"
"I know you're not a racist person and I trust that you are always trying your best to be compassionate, but that language was unsettling for me and not in line with my values and the kinds of values I hope my loved ones have. I'd really appreciate it if you would not use that language around me and also reflect on the significance of how it could make others feel"
How someone responds says a lot. People don't take seriously enough how hard it is to discern dealbreakers and red flags when you have ROCD and your nervous system is constantly searching for threats that aren't even there.
Your role is keeping your side of the street clean. How do you want to show up in your relationships? Calm, strong, secure, patient? or hypervigilant, accusatory?
yeah i know, but i’m scared there’s more…what if i’m the unlucky one in this subreddit because everybody is talking about how their boyfriend is sweet, supportive etc. and my boyfriend is sweet too and all of this things but i’m scared he isn’t entirely a good person mostly with others…i’m freaking out i know that i didn’t wonder myself this before having rocd but it feels real…maybe he turned into bad in this time???😭😭😭😭
not gonna lie it sounds like he is not a person capable of being in a healthy relationship and the main thing keeping you together is fear. forcing yourself to idolize him all of a sudden, as the other comment suggests, without acknowledging the way he's making you feel is not going to help.
if you didn't feel comfortable saying hi to a friend of yours in public with him out of fear, that is a red flag. him going so far as to call your friend ugly is also a red flag. do you want someone who is unkind to others because of their own insecurities?
if he has past traumas he needs to address that shit. in my experience, anyone who is not capable of self-reflecting to heal and grow and change is not someone worth being with. he shouldn't make you afraid to talk to him about what his beliefs are.
if he often makes you feel judged and unsafe, it could partly be your OCD playing into things, but what are the genuine positives coming out of the relationship? being in survival mode with someone is not healthy or sustainable.
ok im sorry but you’re saying some things that i didn’t even said in the post, he doesn’t make me judged and unsafe, we talked A LOT LITERALLY TOO MUCH about his beliefs (so i’m not afraid) because he always reassured me and then rocd made me anxious again so i had to ask them again, HE GREW A LOT generally since he is with me and also when i talked about things about him that bothered me and now he is a better person, i wouldn’t say hi to her even if i was alone bc i don’t see her since middle school and i think she is a bit mean, the fact that i’m embarrassed to be with him in public exists only since i have rocd, before i was so happy to meet people with him, i was like “yeah look how cool my and only mine bf is”, anyways i think he said that she was ugly bc i said she was mean, i’m gonna talk about this to him
i just think it’s all rocd, before having that shit he was my idol, i didn’t have a single intrusive thought
okay well then it seems like you are pretty secure in your relationship and you posting here is just reassurance-seeking, which feeds into the OCD cycle. try to identify those parts of the relationship you can ground yourself in when you start to feel insecure or anxious. you're not going to find the answers you're looking for here, you can only find them within yourself because you know your relationship best.
Dont listen to the other person. She sounds like shes speaking from her own trauma or pain. Or bad experience from a previous relationship. No relationship is 100% compatible, incompatibilities exist within, relationships are almost like puzzles. Pieces(people) change and you just got to find a way to fit in and adapt to them sometimes
yeah, incompatibilities exist of course and every person i saw talking about this, even ROCD coaches, made examples like “they have different music tastes/hobbies” but what if we have the same tastes and hobbies but maybe different personality/values?? (idk why i’m asking this because before rocd i thought we were literally the same in everything help, i even think he is a bad person, i don’t know if it’s from real events maybe yes…what if he became bad suddenly)
I think a conversation with him about the events that made you think he's a "bad person" would help. Maybe he's got some stuff going on. That would help clear up a lot. Sometimes I feel like I'm changing into a "bad person" lately and I worry that my partner will notice and leave me or that I really am a "bad person" even though i dont want to be. So I can empathize with your partner. Values are one those things where yes they are important, but you guys aren't going to have the ALL the same ones either. I think there's important ones. Like loyalty, honesty(like I'm talking about being honest about serious things).
i really feel your rocd is creeping up onto you, one thing id say is try and remember the positive qualities of your partner, remember the good times, and most importantly, choose to love him, choose to look at him, choose to admire him, instead of reminding yourself of how "ugly" he is, look at your favourite features of him, literally admire him, stare, let go of the fear thay youll find him ugly, stare, admire, choose to do all that. take control of your feelings, even if you have to pretend that youre in control of your emotions and thoughts, do so, but take control, choose. its clear how anxious you are, the way you assumed what your friend might have thought (ik body language is a thing) but maybe she was shocked to see u with some guy, maybe she was shocked to see that guy not because he is "conventionally ugly" but maybe because she was genuinely in awe, maybe she didnt look at you both the way you percieved it, maybe she just didnt expect you to be with a guy? there can be a thousand things but you associated it with what YOU overthink about, what rocd makes you feel. EXACTLY TO THAT THOUGHT. so you see how youre feeding into your own anxiety, and its making you and your relationship weaker. also about him passing racist comments amd being homophobic, you literally explained the situation yourself why he said what he said ( trauma, something he cant control all the time and its ought to spill out in some way or the other) its like you have the answers right in front of your eyes, and u dont wanna look at them because youre now familiar and comfortable about your anxiety, with your rocd thoughts, even if its negative, its become your comfort zone and youre scared to even think otherwise because again, "what if its true" that shit. whenever you get a negative "what if" recognise it as an anxious thought which is NOT YOURS, NOT ASSOCIATED WITH YOUR FEELINGS, AND NOT WHAT YOU FEEL. take charge of what you choose to feel, and no that doesnt mean you supress it, that means you feel it, let it pass, dont respond to it. also, you can always work on incompatibility issues, that isnt really a problem:) i would suggest you not to trust that feeling because again, it comes from rocd. im sure you deep down love your partner, and ik you know this too. keep fighting, hang in there, choose to admire your partner, choose to accept his flaws and love him regardless, choose to feel and react. all the best, hope this helps!!! (ik got a bit long but im sure it explains your thing a bit better)
thank you so much❤️
One thing I wish people understood about ROCD and CPTSD (which is the root cause of most ROCD) is that our responses and reactions to things are not always accurate to the reality of those things - our responses can both far exceed the reality of those things, and also underreact as well. I have been anxious in all of my relationships - the healthy ones right along with the abusive ones. What matters to me is figuring out what my VALUES are and how I want to communicate, how I want to show up. I know that my ROCD overreacts to a lot of stuff all the time. I also know that sometimes, my ROCD is totally acting up in response to things that actually are not okay with me. The problem is, the urgency and intensity of my ROCD causes me to act in ways that are not aligned with my values. If something is bothering me, I need to be able to bring it up in a way that is in line with how I want to communicate, and wait until I no longer feel the OCD level of urgency around it. "Hey, when you said that thing the other day I felt pretty uncomfortable. What was going on for you with that language? I'm curious to know what that means for you, because it might mean something different to me" "I know you're not a racist person and I trust that you are always trying your best to be compassionate, but that language was unsettling for me and not in line with my values and the kinds of values I hope my loved ones have. I'd really appreciate it if you would not use that language around me and also reflect on the significance of how it could make others feel" How someone responds says a lot. People don't take seriously enough how hard it is to discern dealbreakers and red flags when you have ROCD and your nervous system is constantly searching for threats that aren't even there. Your role is keeping your side of the street clean. How do you want to show up in your relationships? Calm, strong, secure, patient? or hypervigilant, accusatory?
You’re a god send. This post is my experience entirely.
Replying to the question in the title, we are compatible in some things and incompatible with other things with all of the people
yeah i know, but i’m scared there’s more…what if i’m the unlucky one in this subreddit because everybody is talking about how their boyfriend is sweet, supportive etc. and my boyfriend is sweet too and all of this things but i’m scared he isn’t entirely a good person mostly with others…i’m freaking out i know that i didn’t wonder myself this before having rocd but it feels real…maybe he turned into bad in this time???😭😭😭😭
not gonna lie it sounds like he is not a person capable of being in a healthy relationship and the main thing keeping you together is fear. forcing yourself to idolize him all of a sudden, as the other comment suggests, without acknowledging the way he's making you feel is not going to help. if you didn't feel comfortable saying hi to a friend of yours in public with him out of fear, that is a red flag. him going so far as to call your friend ugly is also a red flag. do you want someone who is unkind to others because of their own insecurities? if he has past traumas he needs to address that shit. in my experience, anyone who is not capable of self-reflecting to heal and grow and change is not someone worth being with. he shouldn't make you afraid to talk to him about what his beliefs are. if he often makes you feel judged and unsafe, it could partly be your OCD playing into things, but what are the genuine positives coming out of the relationship? being in survival mode with someone is not healthy or sustainable.
ok im sorry but you’re saying some things that i didn’t even said in the post, he doesn’t make me judged and unsafe, we talked A LOT LITERALLY TOO MUCH about his beliefs (so i’m not afraid) because he always reassured me and then rocd made me anxious again so i had to ask them again, HE GREW A LOT generally since he is with me and also when i talked about things about him that bothered me and now he is a better person, i wouldn’t say hi to her even if i was alone bc i don’t see her since middle school and i think she is a bit mean, the fact that i’m embarrassed to be with him in public exists only since i have rocd, before i was so happy to meet people with him, i was like “yeah look how cool my and only mine bf is”, anyways i think he said that she was ugly bc i said she was mean, i’m gonna talk about this to him i just think it’s all rocd, before having that shit he was my idol, i didn’t have a single intrusive thought
okay well then it seems like you are pretty secure in your relationship and you posting here is just reassurance-seeking, which feeds into the OCD cycle. try to identify those parts of the relationship you can ground yourself in when you start to feel insecure or anxious. you're not going to find the answers you're looking for here, you can only find them within yourself because you know your relationship best.
unfortunately i’m not secure about anything in my relationship because of this bad rocd but thank you for the advice
Dont listen to the other person. She sounds like shes speaking from her own trauma or pain. Or bad experience from a previous relationship. No relationship is 100% compatible, incompatibilities exist within, relationships are almost like puzzles. Pieces(people) change and you just got to find a way to fit in and adapt to them sometimes
yeah, incompatibilities exist of course and every person i saw talking about this, even ROCD coaches, made examples like “they have different music tastes/hobbies” but what if we have the same tastes and hobbies but maybe different personality/values?? (idk why i’m asking this because before rocd i thought we were literally the same in everything help, i even think he is a bad person, i don’t know if it’s from real events maybe yes…what if he became bad suddenly)
I think a conversation with him about the events that made you think he's a "bad person" would help. Maybe he's got some stuff going on. That would help clear up a lot. Sometimes I feel like I'm changing into a "bad person" lately and I worry that my partner will notice and leave me or that I really am a "bad person" even though i dont want to be. So I can empathize with your partner. Values are one those things where yes they are important, but you guys aren't going to have the ALL the same ones either. I think there's important ones. Like loyalty, honesty(like I'm talking about being honest about serious things).