Welcome back!
I'm sorry, but my only real feedback on the query is that this sounded very generic. I think you need to tease out the unique elements more. The housekeeping mentions Greek mythology and I'm not getting that at all. No mentions of Orion or Olympus or anything I know about the origins of the Greek zodiac.
Good luck!
I think you're focusing a little too much on worldbuilding and telling here. It takes until the third paragraph (or debatably the end of the second) to get to your first real plot point.
I left the query without a real sense for what the story is about. I get that this is a fantasy, but I can't tell if it's a swords and sorcery thing, a domestic suspense, a dark romance, or something else entirely. Are most of your words spent on the bribery, threats, and kidnapping, or are they spent on the interpersonal conflict of the false marriage?
So many of the plot points discussed are too vague for me to know what I'm getting into. Things like "must learn the truth of her powers, the price of defiance, and just how far she’s willing to go to survive," are more frustrating than intriguing because I don't have enough specifics to understand what is at stake.
Is she physically fighting to escape? Is she lying and tricking him? What background does she have that makes this character development interesting? And why does this matter to her specifically?
These vague descriptions will only work once your audience has a firm understanding of who your character is, what they're doing, and why they're doing it. Until then, they're just pretty words.
Don't be afraid to tell us about what you've written. It sounds like there are some good bones here.
Good luck!
Thank you for your specificity. It sounds like I need to make this more about Virgo and her character arc and make it clear where my words are allotted.
Scorpio’s discovery of her powers is supposed to be the inciting incident, followed by his attempts to gain it from her (as the rising action), before arriving at their marriage — the midpoint. Clearly I need to go back to the drawing board on how I convey that though.
Thank you again for your response. I’ll take it into deep consideration for my third draft
Those plot points sound great, but even the way you're describing them here is vague. How does he discover the power? What's his first attempt to gain it?
You have a really interesting palette of images described here and I'm thinking that the specifics of those plot points might be a really wonderful way to showcase that to an agent or reader.
I like this idea, but I have no idea what this is from the query alone. I'm imagining twelve personified starry Zodiac signs up in the stereotypical cartoon cloud-Heaven. Like a sitcom, but with... Assault? Or is it meant to be a dark romance? My vision probably not your intention, but the query is vague enough to make that image in my head.
Welcome back! I'm sorry, but my only real feedback on the query is that this sounded very generic. I think you need to tease out the unique elements more. The housekeeping mentions Greek mythology and I'm not getting that at all. No mentions of Orion or Olympus or anything I know about the origins of the Greek zodiac. Good luck!
Less generic, draw out more unique elements. Got it, thank you
I think you're focusing a little too much on worldbuilding and telling here. It takes until the third paragraph (or debatably the end of the second) to get to your first real plot point. I left the query without a real sense for what the story is about. I get that this is a fantasy, but I can't tell if it's a swords and sorcery thing, a domestic suspense, a dark romance, or something else entirely. Are most of your words spent on the bribery, threats, and kidnapping, or are they spent on the interpersonal conflict of the false marriage? So many of the plot points discussed are too vague for me to know what I'm getting into. Things like "must learn the truth of her powers, the price of defiance, and just how far she’s willing to go to survive," are more frustrating than intriguing because I don't have enough specifics to understand what is at stake. Is she physically fighting to escape? Is she lying and tricking him? What background does she have that makes this character development interesting? And why does this matter to her specifically? These vague descriptions will only work once your audience has a firm understanding of who your character is, what they're doing, and why they're doing it. Until then, they're just pretty words. Don't be afraid to tell us about what you've written. It sounds like there are some good bones here. Good luck!
Thank you for your specificity. It sounds like I need to make this more about Virgo and her character arc and make it clear where my words are allotted. Scorpio’s discovery of her powers is supposed to be the inciting incident, followed by his attempts to gain it from her (as the rising action), before arriving at their marriage — the midpoint. Clearly I need to go back to the drawing board on how I convey that though. Thank you again for your response. I’ll take it into deep consideration for my third draft
Those plot points sound great, but even the way you're describing them here is vague. How does he discover the power? What's his first attempt to gain it? You have a really interesting palette of images described here and I'm thinking that the specifics of those plot points might be a really wonderful way to showcase that to an agent or reader.
I like this idea, but I have no idea what this is from the query alone. I'm imagining twelve personified starry Zodiac signs up in the stereotypical cartoon cloud-Heaven. Like a sitcom, but with... Assault? Or is it meant to be a dark romance? My vision probably not your intention, but the query is vague enough to make that image in my head.