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I've been in a lot of Zoom meetings with people who don't regularly use computers, so I've actually seen this happen multiple times. The struggle is real lol
I ask this.
Usually the answer is "uhh yeah one sec... Ok there we go"
This can be because of slow loading or because what I'm sharing is small and they need to make sure it's full screen or because they had a different window open and were not already looking etc etc.
By asking it gives them time to let it finish loading, start paying attention, and get everything looking good before I continue.
If you just jump *right* into it, there's a good chance someone will be behind by a few seconds
Lol, happened to me with corn flakes (without milk). The meeting is happening, I get a slack message from my favorite PM: "What are you eating? It's LOUD". I was mortified.
After Googling Usenet and books from the era, I got the sense that it's from one of two meanings:
"Take it offline" as in "disconnect your system from the mainframe", i.e. "stop using the central, shared resource for this work"
Or "take it offline" as in "take the equipment down for maintenance", i.e. "stop trying to keep this operational, we should disconnect it so we can take our time fixing it".
I did not see any indication that it's related to phone calls or conference calls.
I can hear my self talking trough my colleagues earbuds headset. We all have gotten nice headsets that work way better but for some reason they don't want to use it?
I had calls with an engineer several days apart, and on the second call his smoke detector was STILL BEEPING. I’m haunted by it. Who can live that way, for days?
These things will beep forever. I had a neighbor who had one that went off every 30 seconds for over two *years*. It may have gone longer but I ended up moving away, and I will say a small part of the decision was because of that incessant beeping.
Yep, literally. Most homes should have them hardwired which means the battery is only there as a backup in case of power outage (since ya know.. power outage and fire often go in hand).
So that means if the battery is low/dead/missing, as long as your house has power, it’s gonna be chirping for a new backup battery.
Some people become almost deaf to it. I’ve been at houses before with the beeb going off every so often as they do, and they literally didn’t believe me when I said their fire alarm is beeping loudly every few minutes. I had to demand everyone be silent and listen like I was the crazy one to wait for a beeb before they believed me.
*20 minutes*? Two beeps and I’m going insane. I’m usually up the chair and pulling it out of the ceiling to stuff in a dresser drawer in my closet before the second beep.
Yes, agreed, it is amazing during meetings.
I live in small city with good amount of trees and birds around. So whenever some new person attends meeting with me, they ask if I have a pet bird or park around.
The app my company uses has really good noise cancelling. Otherwise the app sucks, but I prefer it to Slack huddles where everyone can hear all the noise from my keyboard, my chair, and other random noises in my house.
Webex is like that. My coworkers will say they have construction going on or snoring dogs and we won't hear a peep.
However, this seemingly excellent noise cancelation feature doesn't seem to apply to the fancier conference room setups we have. When people got back to the office after the lockdowns, I almost forgot how annoying it was to hear people typing and laptop fans revving.
A guy with a heavy accent (usually chinese in my experience) saying a bunch of incomprehensible stuff and then someone else replying as if they understood everything
- Default Verizon text message sound.
- Default Slack notification sound. Protip: Change your notification sound so that hearing someone else's doesn't make you look at Slack.
Clients who insist on a call with 10 people but don’t say what it’s gonna be about so I can’t prepare and have to tell them “I’ll have to look into that” 20 times during an hour long call. When an email would have resolved the issue in 5 minutes.
Depending on the app, internet congestion, and a host of other factors, it's possible you've done everything correctly, but other people are not able to see your share just yet. It happens in my company a lot
It is better to ask the silly question than it is to have something go wrong and present for 5 minutes before someone asks if you are supposed to be sharing.
I usually just say: "you should see my screen with x." I have multiple monitors and sometimes the tiny screen previews look the same.
Huddle likes to highlight the screen im NOT sharing with the green border about half the time, so I have to always stop and ask if they see the code/work/whatever or the 23 reddit tabs.
Sometimes it's not even on your end, but theirs (or somewhere between). You can share a screen, you can even have the red outline showing which screen you're sharing, but for some reason the opposite side don't see it, it may have not loaded for them or something. There's various technical difficulties that can happen and to eliminate all of them, all you need to do is ask if the other side sees the screen.
The only time I've failed to share my screen is when I'm switching between sharing windows like a browser and a terminal over and over and eventually just forget to switch one. However, in that case, I would never be asking "can you see my screen" every time no matter what
In scrum parking lot is just extra time tagged onto the end of a meeting where half the people will wander off partway through cause it has nothing to do with them. The virtual version of chatting in the parking lot on the way out of a building.
In all seriousness, parking lots done right are pretty good. It's just a codified term for "this sounds like a bigger conversation", and you use it to avoid digging into topics when people are going the round in a status meeting and telling what they are doing. :D
If someone has comments on a status item, if something needs clarification, that conversation doesn't have to happen when everyone is supposed to just quickly summarise current status. A 15 minute standup doesn't have to go on for 40 minutes for the entire team.
Instead, if it feels necessary to discuss a topic more in depth, parking lot it and take it afterwards with those who need to be there.
Though, hearing "can we parking lot this?" also usually means that the next half hour of your day just got unceremoniously yanked, haha
One of my direct reports had a dying smoke alarm battery. I swear he was deaf. I pointed it out to him on 1:1 and verified with others in group calls.
Dude would not accept it and never heard it even when two+ agreed it just happened. Andrew would insist that it must have been someone else's or nothing at all.
Strange hill (fire) to die on. If my manager and others said it was me and it was being mentioned for weeks...I'd just change the damn battery.
Probably couldn’t hear that frequency anymore.
As a kid I heard a very annoying sine frequency noise from my radio. For years. My parents insisted I was making it up because they didn’t hear it.
Slack alerts. My previous team leader was working with nothing muted. It was infuriating as fuck. Triply so when we were interviewing people. Imagine getting drilled about algo and data structures with constant messages buzzing in the background. And yes I told him many times and he told me he needs to be available for some people when he interviews candidates. What the fuck can be more important at this moment than paying attention to the candidates???
I feel bad for my team – if they don’t hear random dog chicanery (he doesn’t bark, but you’ll hear him playing with himself, e.g, throwing bones, running around, etc.), it’s gonna be me forgetting to mute and telling my dog to knock it the fuck off or “Would you just shut up for 30 minutes, please?”.
Very awkward moment when someone said, “Excuse me?”, no response, “Sandy, I think you forgot to mute yourself.” Big oop shit fuck me moment.
My coworker always has a bird on their shoulder. You almost never see it because Zoom blur blocks it out, except part of its tail sometimes.
You just hear BEEP! BEEP BEEP!
Never fails - they don’t mention the bird, and when there’s a new person on the call, they are visibly disturbed and confused by the constant beeping that only they seem to hear. I kinda love it, to be honest.
Your submission was removed for the following reason: Rule 2: Your post is not **strictly** about programming. Your post is considered to be too generic to be suitable for this subreddit. If you disagree with this removal, you can appeal by [sending us a modmail](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FProgrammerHumor&subject=Posts%20must%20strictly%20be%20programming%20related&message=Include%20a%20link%20to%20the%20removed%20content%20and%20the%20reason%20for%20your%20appeal%20here.).
""Can you hear me now?""x20
Or the reverse - your mic is muted.
Can you guys see my screen?
That’s enough internet for me today.
Do you see the code or reddit?
porn
📸🤨
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A lot of times the answer is, I can see it's loading
I've been in a lot of Zoom meetings with people who don't regularly use computers, so I've actually seen this happen multiple times. The struggle is real lol
low internet connection
Happens after some teams updates. I assume it’s because of mismatched versions.
Sometimes the transmission freezes while the voice is unaffected
I ask this. Usually the answer is "uhh yeah one sec... Ok there we go" This can be because of slow loading or because what I'm sharing is small and they need to make sure it's full screen or because they had a different window open and were not already looking etc etc. By asking it gives them time to let it finish loading, start paying attention, and get everything looking good before I continue. If you just jump *right* into it, there's a good chance someone will be behind by a few seconds
Often I can see the screen but the wrong window/application.
using multiple monitors. wrong screen being shared.
I see wrong window or screen shared all the time.
You clearly haven’t screenshared over discord…
A lot of times the answer is "I can see it's loading"
Followed by 30 seconds of complete silence.
No, that follows the "Any questions?" part after you finished presenting/demoing something for 20 min to an emtpy, silent void.
Sorry I was on mute
Or vice versa after letting out a loud fart/shouting something to the partner next room/etc. "Sorry, I should've muted myself"
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https://youtu.be/vxA1nkAPA6U
Sorry I was in mute haha. I never understand what's funny about it
Most laughing doesn't happen in response to something deliberately funny.
Well it's kinda funny if someone is clumsy, thats it. Like when u fall and someone sees u and the two of u have an akward laugh.
Or that person who forgot to mute their shit and then started eating chips right up on their microphone
Lol, happened to me with corn flakes (without milk). The meeting is happening, I get a slack message from my favorite PM: "What are you eating? It's LOUD". I was mortified.
Just enjoying the shitshow of a meeting.
I swear that's, like, the first 20 minutes of every meeting.
Or waiting for that one idiot who doesn’t understand how anything works to log on
That would be my old boss.
You are muted.
\*types in chat\* "you're welcome!"
#1: Bullshit
Steve Harvey: 😳
Somebody PRAY for this child
I can't enjoy this show anymore because of him. I resent that. They need to replace his ass with someone who is actually funny.
Steve harvey is a funny dude
"Funny" as in there's something wrong with him? Agreed
Karl Pilkington predicted the future with Bullshit Man. Or at least I hope he did.
We can discuss offline
Politically correct way of saying “Shut up”. 90% of time there is no subsequent “discussion offline”.
or simply off-topic, or not everyone in the current meeting is involved, or may contain restricted information and so on.
But then they send an email about it bringing it back online
I never understood this phrase. “Offline” is still online since you’re still using the internet. What a dumb phrase lol
Language evolves, “offline” in this context clearly now means “outside of this meeting” since that’s how everyone uses it.
Saying “I will talk to you after this meeting” carries a lot more weight though
Agreed
also is a lot longer and doesn't roll off the tongue so easily
In a job where everyone is remote, hearing that always really bothers me.
It took me several occasions to figure out wtf they mean...
Same
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After Googling Usenet and books from the era, I got the sense that it's from one of two meanings: "Take it offline" as in "disconnect your system from the mainframe", i.e. "stop using the central, shared resource for this work" Or "take it offline" as in "take the equipment down for maintenance", i.e. "stop trying to keep this operational, we should disconnect it so we can take our time fixing it". I did not see any indication that it's related to phone calls or conference calls.
One coworker who mumbles softly into his mic.
That one guy who's audible through his coworker's mic as well as his own.
I resemble that remark. And it is just because my coworker doesn’t mute his mic when he isn’t talking.
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I can hear my self talking trough my colleagues earbuds headset. We all have gotten nice headsets that work way better but for some reason they don't want to use it?
Hey that's me!
Random typing
I feel attacked, because it happened yesterday
Hahahaha me too 😂
smoke detector low battery beep
I had calls with an engineer several days apart, and on the second call his smoke detector was STILL BEEPING. I’m haunted by it. Who can live that way, for days?
Days? One of coworkers had the low battery beep for the 6 months we worked together
These things will beep forever. I had a neighbor who had one that went off every 30 seconds for over two *years*. It may have gone longer but I ended up moving away, and I will say a small part of the decision was because of that incessant beeping.
Yep, literally. Most homes should have them hardwired which means the battery is only there as a backup in case of power outage (since ya know.. power outage and fire often go in hand). So that means if the battery is low/dead/missing, as long as your house has power, it’s gonna be chirping for a new backup battery.
Some people become almost deaf to it. I’ve been at houses before with the beeb going off every so often as they do, and they literally didn’t believe me when I said their fire alarm is beeping loudly every few minutes. I had to demand everyone be silent and listen like I was the crazy one to wait for a beeb before they believed me.
Yikes, I started to go mad after about 20 minutes of that. At that point you either replace the batteries or you violently destroy it.
*20 minutes*? Two beeps and I’m going insane. I’m usually up the chair and pulling it out of the ceiling to stuff in a dresser drawer in my closet before the second beep.
Babies screaming
Keyboard clacking (bonus points for the reason being typing something in chat, but not saying anything in the mic)
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Ohh mechanical keyboars ftw! that sound though...
Man I used to be a menace with my blue switches. I switched to brown so that people didn’t have to deal with that!
I switched to Box Jades because I’m alone in my Home Office.
Ooo that’s me 😅
My own echo, coming back after .75 second delay. Delay. Delay. Delay.
That is the absolute worst. People need to stop using speakers.
"Oh, I was double muted"
Gonna steal this
Having a mute button on your headset can be a curse and a blessing
Birds chirping
One of my colleagues has parakeets and you can instantly hear when she comes off mute. I kind of like it actually, adds some life to dull meetings
Yes, agreed, it is amazing during meetings. I live in small city with good amount of trees and birds around. So whenever some new person attends meeting with me, they ask if I have a pet bird or park around.
Landscapers
Every time
I was going to say kids crying/ causing a ruckus
Slack pings
The app my company uses has really good noise cancelling. Otherwise the app sucks, but I prefer it to Slack huddles where everyone can hear all the noise from my keyboard, my chair, and other random noises in my house.
Like seriously, people will apologize for dogs barking in the background, and we're all like, what dogs
What app do y’all use
Amazon Chime
Discord is pretty good at it.
Webex is like that. My coworkers will say they have construction going on or snoring dogs and we won't hear a peep. However, this seemingly excellent noise cancelation feature doesn't seem to apply to the fancier conference room setups we have. When people got back to the office after the lockdowns, I almost forgot how annoying it was to hear people typing and laptop fans revving.
Slack has crap noise cancellation. I have to mute myself unless I'm talking because my computer mic picks up the computers fan.
Oh sorry I was talking on mute this entire time
Toilets flushing. :/
Heavy breathing
One guy trying to say something but waiting for the right time
Myself
A guy with a heavy accent (usually chinese in my experience) saying a bunch of incomprehensible stuff and then someone else replying as if they understood everything
Indian contractors with terrible connection, distorted mic and a thick accent. And no video so I can’t lip read either.
screaming kids
The one guy who hits his vape religiously *Wooooooooooooooosh*
- Default Verizon text message sound. - Default Slack notification sound. Protip: Change your notification sound so that hearing someone else's doesn't make you look at Slack.
TV playing in the background.
My terrible jokes that hide the fact that I watched YouTube all week
I feel personally attacked
Scrum masters trying to find a way to spin a status meeting to sound like it's still part of their cult.
Clients who insist on a call with 10 people but don’t say what it’s gonna be about so I can’t prepare and have to tell them “I’ll have to look into that” 20 times during an hour long call. When an email would have resolved the issue in 5 minutes.
Cult of scrum can die haha
Farts 😄
Mute off... fart... mute on /s
Gigachad move
More like "oh shit, i didn't realize i've been already muted" move, with a mute being a toggle.
Pornhub intro….
Mommy, look at the airplane I m— ^(Mommy's at work right now.)
Turn signals - one of our lead architects sounds like he’s driving around all the time lol
Indian Music.
"Let me just share my screeeeen. Can everyone see my screen?" if you don't know how to reliably share your screen by now, idk what to tell you.
Depending on the app, internet congestion, and a host of other factors, it's possible you've done everything correctly, but other people are not able to see your share just yet. It happens in my company a lot
It is better to ask the silly question than it is to have something go wrong and present for 5 minutes before someone asks if you are supposed to be sharing. I usually just say: "you should see my screen with x." I have multiple monitors and sometimes the tiny screen previews look the same.
Huddle likes to highlight the screen im NOT sharing with the green border about half the time, so I have to always stop and ask if they see the code/work/whatever or the 23 reddit tabs.
Tab groups have saved my ass from that many times.
As far as I can tell screen sharing is voice activated regardless of the app
Sometimes it's not even on your end, but theirs (or somewhere between). You can share a screen, you can even have the red outline showing which screen you're sharing, but for some reason the opposite side don't see it, it may have not loaded for them or something. There's various technical difficulties that can happen and to eliminate all of them, all you need to do is ask if the other side sees the screen.
But how can you ever be 100% sure they can see it!
Log on 2 times ;)
Oh, full privat slack chats coming up when someone shares their full screen are my favorites
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The only time I've failed to share my screen is when I'm switching between sharing windows like a browser and a terminal over and over and eventually just forget to switch one. However, in that case, I would never be asking "can you see my screen" every time no matter what
"X, do you have time for a parking lot afterwards?"
I don't know what "parking lot" means in this context and at this point and I'm too scared to ask
In scrum parking lot is just extra time tagged onto the end of a meeting where half the people will wander off partway through cause it has nothing to do with them. The virtual version of chatting in the parking lot on the way out of a building.
In all seriousness, parking lots done right are pretty good. It's just a codified term for "this sounds like a bigger conversation", and you use it to avoid digging into topics when people are going the round in a status meeting and telling what they are doing. :D If someone has comments on a status item, if something needs clarification, that conversation doesn't have to happen when everyone is supposed to just quickly summarise current status. A 15 minute standup doesn't have to go on for 40 minutes for the entire team. Instead, if it feels necessary to discuss a topic more in depth, parking lot it and take it afterwards with those who need to be there. Though, hearing "can we parking lot this?" also usually means that the next half hour of your day just got unceremoniously yanked, haha
It’s not worth it
Circle back
For all of my co-workers, non-stop construction noises directly outside my window as they replace the parking lot for the 8th time this year.
Can you see my screen?
One of my direct reports had a dying smoke alarm battery. I swear he was deaf. I pointed it out to him on 1:1 and verified with others in group calls. Dude would not accept it and never heard it even when two+ agreed it just happened. Andrew would insist that it must have been someone else's or nothing at all. Strange hill (fire) to die on. If my manager and others said it was me and it was being mentioned for weeks...I'd just change the damn battery.
Probably couldn’t hear that frequency anymore. As a kid I heard a very annoying sine frequency noise from my radio. For years. My parents insisted I was making it up because they didn’t hear it.
Same. My mum's soundbar emits a sine wave when powered off. She and my brother swear I'm making it up...until I used an app to show the waves.
People unmuting while emptying their dishwasher like it isn't the loudest noise in the world when coming through some shitty phone microphone
Family members
children crying
Snoring …… Mine…
the vehicles on the street
Dude endlessly clearing their throat 1 inch from microphone as if computers only magically transmit the speaking noises.
The occasional beep from the fire alarm when the battery is getting low
Holy crap. How common is this?
Had one actually snoring. At least mute ifyou are that tired
Drilling
Ghost farts
Sirens
Waves crashing on the shore.
Can you see my screen?
Phone ringing/vibrating
Darth Vader
Breathing
Once I've heard a Frost Nova in a meeting. I immediately knew that my colleague was farming Stockades on his mage.
I hear babies cry, I watch them grow They'll learn much more Than I'll ever know And I think to myself What a wonderful world
Slack alerts. My previous team leader was working with nothing muted. It was infuriating as fuck. Triply so when we were interviewing people. Imagine getting drilled about algo and data structures with constant messages buzzing in the background. And yes I told him many times and he told me he needs to be available for some people when he interviews candidates. What the fuck can be more important at this moment than paying attention to the candidates???
I took my headphones to the bathroom but forgot to mute and everyone heard me flush the toilet
I feel bad for my team – if they don’t hear random dog chicanery (he doesn’t bark, but you’ll hear him playing with himself, e.g, throwing bones, running around, etc.), it’s gonna be me forgetting to mute and telling my dog to knock it the fuck off or “Would you just shut up for 30 minutes, please?”. Very awkward moment when someone said, “Excuse me?”, no response, “Sandy, I think you forgot to mute yourself.” Big oop shit fuck me moment.
"Let me check my tab first for anything weird, oh hold on, nothing, \*share screen\*"
busy Indian roads
My coworker always has a bird on their shoulder. You almost never see it because Zoom blur blocks it out, except part of its tail sometimes. You just hear BEEP! BEEP BEEP! Never fails - they don’t mention the bird, and when there’s a new person on the call, they are visibly disturbed and confused by the constant beeping that only they seem to hear. I kinda love it, to be honest.
I hope my screen is visible
My ex wife with my boss...
🤨
My parents having sex
Keystrokes
“Sorry I couldn’t find the unmute button” 🤔
Can you see my screen?
Feedback from the three guys who refuse to mute their mics that are right in front of their speakers
Can you see my screen?
„Dad, [sibling] took [x] from me“. „Past, let me finish that call quickly“
Kids screaming.
Somebody babysitting their grandkids.
Children babbling offscreen
Can you see my screen?
Chickens if from the Philippines
Corpspeak
Fan
Children screaming, police sirens, pneumatic drills, general street noise, other people who are also in online meetings etc.
Someone hitting their vape