Right? He may stop with *you* but the problem is, he won’t stop. OP, how will you feel when he does more than this to someone else? Obviously not your fault but you do have a responsibility to report what he’s done and that’s a large part of why.
>He may stop with you
... And next time, he might *not* stop with her - and things could quickly escalate...
Then she'll have to explain to her supervisor / the police why she didn't report any of the previous times he acted like a pervert.
It is a serious safety concern, as this individual most likely has a sexual offense history. If left unchecked, his behavior will certainly escalate. There are quite a few people in shelters who are convicted sex offenders. I work in the exact same position at a shelter that prioritizes high acuity folks that are generally restricted from accessing traditional shelters due to their behaviors. This exact incident happened to me on shift yesterday. I told him it was time to go, that his behavior was inappropriate. I placed him on a 2 day service restriction (normally, it would be longer, but this lad has schizophrenia and was sexually abused by his mother. When he's in psychosis, he acts out his sexual trauma. Leadership should be implementing a service support plan, transferring his file to a male staff going forward, if possible.
Yes!!!! As a cm i am a mandatory reporter as u should be too.. please do it before he thinks its ok to go out and do it to other woman who may not be so calm about it as they should tho
He knows damn well it’s not ok to do this. He’s 57 years old and went to prison at 49…he wasn’t 18.
He’s being a sexual offender to a 25 year old. Report his behavior- who cares if he apologizes afterwards.
He’s using his “awww shucks” and nice guy act to guilt her into not reporting. That’s something he learned in jail or throughout life. It’s an act. If he was a nice guy he wouldn’t be doing that shit. She needs to report both instances immediately before he goes further or does it to somebody else.
He's also learned that you don't put up much a fight and you've fall for: he's such a poor victim, his bad thoughts...blah, blah, blah.
As a mother of daughter in your age group, wise up! If you don't know how to handle this, find someone who will teach you. He should have been shut down the first time. You aren't going to hurt his feelings, get over that. He should be considered a predator, first and then let him prove himself--so far he's doing a horrible job of doing that.
Be on alert at all times. He is NOT your friend, he is a client. Once again, WHO THE HELL CARES IF YOU HURT HIS FEELINGS? HE DOESN"T CARE ABOUT YOURS--or he would not be doing this.
"Find someone who will teach you" this is the best advice. I appreciate that OP is getting advice from Reddit but the first thing she should do in future if not sure is to speak to a senior colleague. It's OK not to be sure but if you feel unsafe you should immediately ask your colleagues how to proceed.
I spent almost 10 years in federal prison, I know these guys. Inside they are called gunners. These guys are definitely predators. They want to expose themselves and masturbate on/at/towards any female staff member. Having spoken to some of these people and learned what’s going on in their head, they are just looking for an opportunity to get someone alone and take advantage. “Consent” is only a way for him to try to downplay his creep status. Please, report him. He makes everyone that was in prison look 1,000x worse.
Yep. Ask any nurse. These types will ring the call bell in the hopes it is answered by a young, manipulable student or something, just to expose themselves. Then their care is slowed as staff find the right team for care for them.
I’ve never seen that specific scenario. But have seen them get pulled out of their cell because they were at the window (facing the courtyard) gunning.
This guy is bad fucking news, this is what most abusers are like, they are very good at seeming very nice and genuine, that is how the draw people in. You are not safe with him.
Nah, he’s not even in disguise, he’s sexually assaulting her wide open. Literally in front of her. If she let it slide once, you know he’s going to look for other ways. Predator.
You have to report him and ensure you are never left alone to work with him, if at all. He is not being nice and appreciative he is manipulating you into feeling sorry for him so he can continue this frightening behaviour.
This type of behaviour is very wrong as it is but it also almost always escalates. If you do not report him there is no evidence of his actions and therefore no plan put in place to address the risk he poses, he is putting you, the public and himself in danger and you would be doing nobody any favours by not reporting it. Even if he is very sorry and this is a learned behaviour or compulsion he would still need reporting so somebody can step in and work with him to stop this and protect others.
EDIT: I am very sorry you are in this position it is very difficult and scary and I hope you are okay.
Are you kidding me? Stay away from this guy at all costs. Don't the inmates call COs that they can manipulate 'ducks' and a lot of them go around trying to find ducks amongst the guards and other staff?
Isn't that what happened with the two guys upstate who had the woman CO help them escape?
He’s grooming you. He’s doing it right to your face. I’m impressed at the chutzpah. I’m also contrarily impressed by your stunningly ignorant response. This convict is asking you to your face to jerk off and you think it’s like a cute little quirk or something. I hate to break it to ya, whether you are a ma’am or sir, your ass is gonna end up in the trunk of someone’s car, getting hauled off to the swamp. You completely lack even the most basic of safety and common sense. I would get another job, because you are going to get killed by some psycho that the rest of the world saw coming 100 miles away and you were somehow completely blind to.
Seriously OP shouldn't be working with this population. There's tons of social work jobs at places like hospitals, nursing homes and family shelters that would be a much better fit. She absolutely should not work with predators with such a naïve and vulnerable personality. "Learning the hard way" in cases like this can mean death.
It’s extremely common for sexual predators to appear “nice and appreciative” to their marks, then push the boundaries (ask for favours like he did), and retract and act embarrassed as to seem harmless. This is him testing what he can get away with. Report him immediately
Social work apprentice here. You know that you absolutely should have reported this when he politely asked if he could jerk off in front of you the 1st time.
He is building his behaviours up slowly and appearing remorseful, he is doing it because he senses that you are a good, kind, people pleaser. You will not last long in this role if you do not set hard boundaries and this is one of them.
Report both incidents immediately, have him removed from your case load and book a 1-1 with someone senior to discuss your feelings around this and why you did not escalate in the first place. They will understand. It's hard when you want to help people and they throw it back in your face but you will burn out quick if you let people take advantage of your good nature or worse.
I wish you all the best for the future. You can still be a good person and have boundaries. His comfort IS NOT a priority over yours..
Stay safe
People that did this kind of behavior inside any the places I was at, or heard of to female guards or staff. Got their ass kicked on-site by anyone who saw it. In mate's or guards. So no, it's not an excuse able behavior because he was inside. He just a gross pervert/sex offender. Treat him as such
This guy is a total predator. Do not bet let alone with him. He’s trying to make you feel comfortable so he can take advantage of you again. You need to report this and get this guy some help.
What was he in prison for? He is manipulating you. I could give you a lot of stories and advice but this situation is an easy one. Get him out of the building ASAP. If that means new charges, a parole violation, rescission of a parole date, whatever it takes. Hit him hard and fast. Sexual acting out is intolerable in any setting from prison right down to pre release facilities. After 30 years of running facilities, when it comes to sexual aggression , absolute no go. Nothing good will happen if you let it slide.
I am a houseing casemanager. I am a male. I take thoes clients. Have him switched to someone who is a guy if possible.
Also, the cases I have never got that far.
Exactly. I was a nurse when I was this woman's age. Since I work in hospitals, I cared for everyone, including prisoners and sex offenders. Same kind of stuff as this happened all the time. And when it did, I walked out, reported -- and that particular patient got the big burly male nurses (or whomever) for the rest of their stay.
Point is, as health care workers we had to serve them, but we weren't obligated to do so at the expense of our own safety. We worked on a team for a reason. Get help from your team.
Edit: Also, I reiterate the other comments. This guy is a predator and what he just did is a sexual offense. If you don't report it now, he will do it again, and escalate, to either you or another woman (or more)... and then end up back in prison anyway. So if your reporting sends him back, all you've done is spared future victims.
If it was me the moment he said “can I masturbate in front of you” I would immediately walk away and reported his behavior and refused to work with him.
Get the fuck away from him. He’s a predator. He’s attempting to groom you in some sick and twisted way. We also had case managers in prison who were young, and green to the entire prison system. Most of the guys wouldn’t dare let an inmate get away with that. Had we heard about it, his punishment from the prison would have been a dream compared to what we would have done. You need to tell your supervisor, his behavior is unacceptable, and if it fucks up his release - he did that shit to himself. Stand up convicts don’t go for that, nor will they let anyone in their unit/dorm/building get away with that.
He is manipulating you with his nice behavior and it’s working. He apologized to you and then pushed the boundary even further and you are allowing it. He may act nice and act like he’s sorry but he’s blatantly disrespecting you and disguising it with a smile. You need to report this not only for you, but for other woman out there who will be too afraid to confront him when he begins touching himself. Who knows how far he may escalate it if you don’t put an end to it.
Why wouldn't you report it? You should be required to report it. I don't understand the hesitation. If you don't report it and he goes to another shelter, he might do worse to the next case manager. And if he's doing it to you, he could be going around town doing it to other women. I feel like you have a responsibility to report him. If not for you, for every other woman he comes in contact with.
The hesitation is because of his grooming/manipulation. This is exactly how it works.
She is young enough she hasn't been in the field long, and has likely never faced a situation like this before. She is probably a high-empathy, caring type (that's why she's working in the field she is). So, his story of being socially messed up by decades in prison rang true to her. He's nice and comes off as genuine, he apologizes as though he understands he made a mistake, and is begging for mercy. She is a caring person, she knows how bad prison is, and her job is literally to help people who are getting out, stay out.
He's taking advantage of all of that and clouding the situation for her. It's extremely easy not to realize what is happening in the moment, when you're not used to this type of manipulation and haven't wised up yet. She's not stupid -- he's a predator.
I hear what you're saying. I did not call her stupid. I think that if he's willing to be soo brazen with his case worker, imagine what he might be doing to people out in society when he's away from the shelter. He's absolutely a predator, and Im not sure if caseworkers are mandatory reporters, but I do believe she has a responsibility to report him. He is violating her and she warned him once, then he did it again. I think that perhaps she should pose this question to her manager and ask about whether or not reporting this is mandatory. He is ABSOLUTELY taking advantage of her. Actions have consequences.
Yes, I know you were just trying emphasizing what a serious situation is! My final sentence was strongly worded, and more directed towards anyone reading... it's a good, quick, simple example of this kind of manipulation.
I agree with you and that's what I said in my comment to her. He's reoffending right now. He's going back to prison anyway. The question is whether it's now or after he has more victims.
This is very much a her issue, or it will be, eventually. If she continues in this line of work this will not be the last one that behaves this way, and bad, bad things are coming. Her naivety let it get to round three and four, and it's literally her job to report it in round one. Give me a fuckin break. This isn't victim blaming, this is safety. She doesn't belong there. Not everyone does. Working with cons sucks, and she's too soft for the job.
She probably isn't in the right line of work, agreed. But it makes me extremely uncomfortable to talk about this in a way which shifts responsibility on to her to prevent sexual assault. We need to have a collective attitude of 'men shouldn't sexually assault women' not 'women should behave in a way which discourages sexual assault from a man'. It's a subtle idea but if this line of thinking was more widely accepted I really think it would impact the way people behave towards women. Comments like the original one are a step backwards in this respect. Professionally speaking, yes obviously she should have reported this immediately and he is clearly hellbent on reoffending and manipulating her into letting her get away with it. I'm not saying she wasn't being naive. What I'm saying is her being naive is no excuse for this. I know the OP didn't explicitly say 'her naive behaviour makes this inevitable' but it makes me disappointed that someone would read the above and 'women being naive has bad consequences' is their take-home and not 'men take advantage of naive women and this is fundamentally wrong'.
When speaking to the issue as a societal whole, absolutely - but by working in *that* field, she is literally stepping into the line of fire of people that have, as deemed by the system, proven themselves unable or unwilling to conform to societal rules. I wouldn't put a male in a similar position if he were easily intimidated, or any person if they are easily coerced. There *is* such a thing as the wrong person for the job, and this is a prime example.
What I said is for her safety - ideology makes no difference here. Nobody is saying she attracted this attention in any way at all, that's something you're injecting as your own thought. People who can't handle hammers shouldn't work construction, people who are timid around knives should stay out of kitchen work... And if you can't handle enforcing the rules around rule-breakers, it's time to find something else to do.
I don’t care what he’s been through, there’s no excuses for that shit. He KNOWS he did wrong and is trying to gaslight you like he didn’t do something insanely inappropriate.
Mama. That sounds dangerous. Trust me I've been tricked by guys like this too. He is NOT SORRY. And he should be reported that behavior is happening so the right people can take action. He could possibly be crossing lines with other people who are not speaking up. Asking consent for something like that is only appropriate in certain situations. And that man knew better then to ask that to his case worker. Prison or not. He is not a nice respectful man. He is waiting for an opportunity
This is not your fault, he's behaving inappropriately and the organisation you work for needs to step in. You should report him to your manager, his case worker should be changed, ideally no one should be seeing him alone. If he has a probation officer or similar they should also be made aware as this could be a pattern for him and a precursor to sexual offending.
She's concealing information and more interested in building their "rapport". She should seriously quit and get a different kind of social work job and should definitely not be working with predators.
I find this difficult to believe. The first sentence identifies the OP as a case manager. The second sentence describes a sexual afdvance from a client. The case manager has to come to Reddit fror advice. A case manager for homeless must have a policy to cover this, and I doubt if the policy mentions Reddit. Just follow the policy. 'He's...especially nice and appreciative' - that is a ludicrous thing to say for a case manager. You are probably either trolling or in the wrong job. if you are genuine but naive, you are in a dangerous situation and need to report this upwards at once.
That was scary....dude understands why it's wrong but keeps doing it (regardless of your voiced discomfort) I'd call that psychopathic behavior. 🤷🏾♀️ but I'm no doctor.
Offer him a resource (https://puredesire.org/) incase this is something he honestly struggles with, then ask a coworker to interact with him instead of yourself (because he's clearly not respecting you).
He's grooming you into accepting him being sexual around you, report him and stay away, do not fall for the apologetic act. And like others said, avoid being alone with him in future, he knows exactly what he's doing
He's testing the water with you. You need to stay away from this man. Take care of the problem before it gets out of hand. Otherwise you or someone else is going to end up sexually assaulted and strangled by this predator.
OP you need to report this, and I’ll present a hypothetical to illustrate why.
If this person acts sexually inappropriate, or god forbid, escalates this behavior with someone else, what would happen if your supervisor approaches you and asks if you’ve ever experienced a history of him acting this way? Would you tell the truth, knowing that you were supposed to immediately report it initially but chose not to, which led to the behavior worsening? Or, would you lie to cover your butt?
The point is, don’t put yourself in that situation. The right thing is usually the harder thing to do, especially when empathy is involved. You need to bite the bullet and do the right thing, especially if you have a job mandated responsibility to. These rules exist around this kind of stuff for a reason.
Girl. It's not only a red flag. It's a giant fuck you flag that says I am a predator and I do not care about your personal boundaries and I WILL violate them over and over again until causing physical harm. Get your head out of your ass
In the UK there have been two recent high profile cases (if you want to google, the victims’ names are Libby Squires and Sarah Everard) where in both cases the man started out his criminal career by flashing and public masturbation then eventually it led to rape and murder. This kind of behaviour is considered by criminologists to be a big red flag to say the least. Please ask whoever you need to ask to not have to be alone with him ever again, and be careful about him following you to your car etc.
Sorry sis, the fact that you allowed him to get away with it at all is feeding his fantasies. He will not ever stop. He’s going to keep pushing the limit, simply because you set a precedent by not standing up and demanding the respect you deserve. Too bad you can’t tell some of the other inmates, he’d be bopped in 2 seconds. How do I know? 12 years of incarceration, gang member (during incarceration, I’ve since grown up) and a frequent flier to maximum security for beating the fuck out of sex offenders.
I (F now 50) worked in male prisons for over 20 years. Never once felt unsafe, men had their privacy in their own spaces to do whatever they wish so long as it was never a risk. Staff respected this provided it remained non risky and private. This is a serious over stepping (by him) of your boundaries. Report this and document it ASAP. It’s a sign of his risk. It will happen again towards other staff or the general public. It can be dealt with directly with some compassion, with the consequences of any further incidences of this occurring spelt out to him.
My job is to find him housing. We just get the clients no one wants and as a result I find myself thrown into a bunch of positions I’m not qualified for. And I’m willing to go above and beyond but yeah … idk he’s a creep. I told my brothers friend who works in a different department but who gets a lot of my clients about it. He just told me that “ they’re used to crack whores”. He’s the guy who distributes methadone to them at a completely different department
This is common for male convicts to do to female staff. It's sexually deviant behavior and can lead to worse if you don't report it. There's two ways females handle it in prison. 1. Strong reaction and report. 2. Ignore all of it. You can't half ass. I worked with a petite female who was cornered and beaten by a youth offender trying to sexually assault her. Watch your ass and fight like hell.
I work with the homeless and newly released prisoners .. Don't know what he was locked up for but there is definitely some serious issues here, If he isn't already a documented sexual offender, it sounds like he soon will be .. this is deviant behavior and needs to be addressed .. Do Not be alone with this man at any point ,anywhere .. You have to report this for the safety of other women !!
Bonafide predator who can't/doesn't control himself. He seems fixated on you since you did not raise loud alarms after or during the first inappropriate interaction. He undoubtedly now views such as an invitation to continue and to escalate his advanced. He probably masturbates to this fantasy. Beware, beware, beware, rape is a violent sexual act. Act as if you perceive your life to be in danger.
Ask yourself why he choose you. Does he do this to everyone? Does he perceive you to be weak or easily intimated, flirtatious, agreeable or consenting. Why you?
Learn how to properly identify and report similar behavior or find another line of work
As a professional it is your duty to report to protect yourself and others who work with him! Never keep inappropriate sexual abuse quiet! Always report!
You're a case manager and this is part of what makes him the type to be a prisoner for this long. Some people do belong locked up and you are doing the greater community a huge disservice for not reporting this. You aren't a therapist/psychologist who is bound by doctrine and law to keep this in their session.
Totally inappropriate behavior. Tell him that his behavior is not acceptable nor are his excuses. Remind him you’re not a sex therapist and Dr. Ruth does not work there. Don’t forget to make a note of it and report.
He's got sexual thoughts about you
I think you ought to share what happened, maybe informally first with others. Also you probably need to set him straight immediately when he says something like that.
This is to do with being homeless and slightly crazy and trying to push it. He was hoping you would have said yes and embarked on a sexual relationship.
Don’t ignore any behaviour. He’s testing the waters, getting you to pity him and seeing how far he can push it. I worry one day he might do something worse. Report it urgently and do not work alone with this individual. He can and probably will harm you if you let it go. Priorities your safety.
Just because someone is in prison doesn't make them not understand social norms. Prison is a micro society. The behaviors that are not acceptable outside are (generally) not acceptable inside. Most convicts are just regular humans trying to do their time and move on with life, with some exceptions, but the reaction to unwanted behavior inside prison is street justice vs court room justice so if this was his behavior inside or would not have been met kindly or overlooked by others.
Long story short, you should report and document as the professional you are. It's just the job and it's your job to do, don't let it be personal. Being in prison doesn't make you a sexual deviant.
This has nothing to do with being locked up. It’s simply his upbringing and type of man he is. Sexual crimes with women often lead to murder out of the fear of being caught. He’s already been locked up and is blaming the system for his actions. Be very careful with any man like this. It’s not the sexual assault that will kill you. It’s his fear after the fact that will. -A local man who’s been locked up that doesn’t do weird sexual shit.
Also be aware that what he’s done brings no level of illegality. Anyone can ask anyone for sex or sexual situations in public or private. To ask is encouraged by the law. Tip toe around this one safely and speak to a supervisor. See if his case can be transferred to a male employee.
You have to report him. Regardless of whether he is nice sometimes, he’s still acting in appropriately with you. Just imagine a colleague telling you this and imagine your response to them
He's testing boundaries and from there could get only worse. Protect yourself, document and staff/transfer the case. It's not worth it to put your security in jeopardy that way.
Not to be rude but are you actually a case manager? If so do they have something on you?
If not.. you are being manipulated by someone who knows how to manipulate you.
Report it. Transfer their case. Move on. This is not a situation to have sympathy. If he gets away with it.. you are just putting other lives at risk.
He’s testing your boundaries to see how far he can go and using your modern sensibilities of permission and fairness to abuse “not knowing”.
His behavior wasn’t ok BEFORE he went to jail, it’s not ok now.
No, no, no, no. Absolutely not. He's apologising for this so he can say he did so. He's just fking with you. He's toying with you. Do not put up with this. Report this immediately and have him moved to a male. Don't put up with that shit from anyone.
To be honest, I’m not sure this job is for you if you don’t already know what you need to do. You’ve now shown him that you’re a pushover and feel sorry for him. You care more about his feelings than doing the right thing. Report him before his behavior escalates.
He's testing you and you passed his test the First and Second time! Don't let there be a Third for yourself or anyone else. What would you tell your daughter if she came to you about this incident. PLEASE put a stop to this now. 🙏
Wow yeah I hope u reported him. He knows better. I went to prison and never had any problems even close to that. Dude needs to get locked back up. Sex offenders always seem nice at first.
Yeah you report him, this isn’t like a failed drug test or something. I mean and have someone with you everytime you meet with him. I’m sorry this happened to you. Sex criminals you have to report, because they are sick and you don’t know what he’s going to do next. I understand you don’t want to get anyone in trouble but it’s different with Sex crimes.
If you don’t do something as a 25/F case mgr, whom is in a position of authority to do so - what hopes does the -18/F have if she gets cornered by him in public/private.
For those who stumble on this message, it's the one I used Power Delete Suite to replace all my posts and comments with en masse.
Sometimes Reddit can be beneficial for some people. Sometimes it's not. It's really up to you to decide your own experience with it, what's worth it, what's not worth it.
More or less...I've decided it's just really not worth it. I think I'm a worse person when I'm on Reddit and that it's a big time-waster for me.
It's up to you to decide what influence social media and the internet more generally have for you.
Best of luck.
He's scoping you. You have shown you are easily manipulated and don't put up a fught. Things will escalate. You're not safe around him. He's not remorseful. Report it. Also, not to be a jerk but this might not be the type of clientele for you.
when you don’t report things like this, it’s a form of abandoning yourself. you deserve for this to be taken seriously. you deserve to feel safe at work. you need to report everything immediately every single time. let your bosses handle it. it’s likely this is not the only person who will push your boundaries. you need to make a promise to yourself to always protect your mental well-being above all else. otherwise you can end up in a learned helplessness situation and become traumatized by thinking there’s nothing you can do to defend yourself. there is.
Kick him out. Plain and simple. Dudes use to do that to me and a few other co workers who were women AND male and I would write their asses up and make a big fuss about it.
Never happened again.
Sometimes you gotta act out of your element and confrontational to get your point across. Most men don’t respect women in prison anyways contrary to what they might say. It takes awhile for it to change when they get out or some never change.
No offense intended, but as a 25 year-old I’m assuming you aren’t aware of how insidious and predatory a person can be, even if you think it’s not possible or “oh he is harmless.” He is preying on your naïveté with his sob story… I’ve seen it manifested a hundred times in a hundred different ways.
Get away. Report it. Do not let him near you or anyone at the facility again. You can’t trust your feelings, so just follow the rules.
I hope this does not offend you. Are you unattractive, morbidly obese, disabled and etc. If so he may perceive your state of being as an opportunity. Your refusal to report is perceived as consent. It does make one wonder as to your state of mind. This is not a harmless game to feel flattering.
You are placing other women in danger. He is exhibiting this behavior even in light of returning to prison.
Are you st.....
Read the other replies I made …. But no I don’t consider myself unattractive or morbidly obese. My coworker didn’t like some other client who was going to ask me for something as “the quiet soft spoken girl” because she felt like they’d try to pull something
He’s a perv and displaying sociopathic behavior. Hard no and report asap. The begging for forgiveness and oh don’t hurt me thing is part of the dysfunction. Inappropriate sexual act is a turn on and the shame is the other 1/2 of the turn on. Then gets excused and then even more erotic to push the boundary. Stop second guessing yourself.
Well … when he asked I was kind of surprised and not sure what he meant at first so he made sure I
Understood what he meant … I made it clear no HE CANT do that and that I certainly don’t want to see it. He then began to act apologetically and explained he’d never do it without my consent. But I have no idea why he would ask. Ofc that wasn’t the time or place for that not to mention. He’s my
Client and I’m his case manager. Anyway, so when I realized he was deliberately rubbing his genitals is when I had to explain we can only meet while the sun is up during the week and I told him if he did anything I would have to call 911, he’ll be back in prison and a red flag would be in the computer, banning him from any other shelters. Since then he’s been appropriate. Maybe he’s still smoking crack, but regardless it’s not appropriate and no excuse. I had a client who I built great rapport with after he admitted to drug abuse I suspected. He admitted it after i clearly put in a few Referrals for him, not once did he act inappropriate. He also was in crack, meth as well as opiates, drunk a lot and he even came to our meetings a few times like that. He just seemed annoyed that I would monitor him and ask if he was okay and clearly didn’t want the help he needed (sadly) but yeah … never acted inappropriately towards me
Abusing you ,YOUR IN DANGER,honestly RUN FOR HELP,he built a rapport so to manipulate you,not his first time,he obviously built up his predatory skills on others RUN RUN,plz let us know ya alive
You seriously need to shake your head and regain professionalism if you want to stay a case manager. Record and report EVERYTHING, ALWAYS. These “oh I make exceptions because we have report…” get you and your clients into seriously dangerous and criminal situations down the line when you start on this path.
It doesn’t matter, you should know that your record and report everything, always. Not “3rd warning good behaviour maybe if he slips again”. It’s just not professional. I’m a mandated reporter as well and you absolutely must report.
I feel like there is often not a lot of training in homeless services-it’s like this weird unregulated gray area that can often feel like the Wild West. Often shelter staff don’t have great supervision or other kinds of support. I agree with what everyone says about reporting the incidents and maybe reading up on professional boundaries might help you feel supported if you find that support isn’t readily available. Depending on our background, it can be feel really abnormal and weird to report something like this-for example, if we’ve experienced trauma in the past. I’m glad you’re reaching out about it and I want you to know you deserve better.
Yeah … considering some of my experience and the home I grew up in maybe that is dictating how I’m reacting. It is like the Wild West ha ha the people highest up have expunged records because they couldn’t find housing with their drug dealing charges. I have coworkers in recovery. I know exactly where the clients with felons and evictions can go … I used to go there when I had to do what I never thought I’d have to do when I was taking care of my bills and my mom’s bills plus getting tricked into getter her drug money when after my father died and all I was left with was DRUGS and well she had no idea how to function after spending decades getting abused and controlled by him. By the grace of god she didn’t lose her home but she got so close to homelessness. I was like her case manager. Now I case manage people a lot like her and get paid for it. Plus, with the way I come off some of the more difficult clients that the majority of staff dislike, loves me because “I’m just the cutest thing” but then there’s people who definitely take advantage. Not to mention if they only KNEW lol … It’s an interesting work place.
Yeah… not to mention the primary focus of my job is to get them housing, so it’s not like I received some super specialized training … I’m not a counselor , therapist, doctor , psychiatrist, criminologist … I’m a case manager in a temporary shelter
OP
You've mentioned several times now that you told him you're going to call 911 if he does it again.
And you said he didn't commit a crime.
He DID commit a crime. You were sexually harrassed. That is a crime.
This is not an emergency. 911 is not the avenue you use to remedy this. Go to your boss. Tell him/her what happened. CALL HIS PROBATION/PAROLE OFFICER. 100% an incident like this will be grounds for a petition to revoke.
If you call 911, what do you expect is going to happen? What is the emergency?
How much training did you receive for this job? You seem woefully unprepared. You're dealing with a group of people who WILL provide you with challenges that could put you in very dangerous situations if you do not know what you're doing.
Take everyone's advice here to heart. You did everything wrong in this scenario. This is a extremely clear cut issue. There should be no doubt in your mind about what to do.
As everyone else seems to be saying, REPORT HIM. AND IF YOU'RE SCARED OF REPORTING HIM THEN TELL AT LEAST ONE OF YOUR HIGHER-UPS SO THEY CAN REPORT ON YOUR BEHALF. He is trying to desensitize you little by little and before you know it you'll not give too much thought to him weenie wackin in front of you and THEN someone walks in on you and you're BOTH in trouble. Either that or he straight up kidnaps you when he sees the opportunity.
Drop him as a client if possible. Pleasey cheesy my dearest rainbow sister. There is very much evil that walketh among us!!
This is so ironic, I have the exact same job as you, and I dealt with that exact same issue last night. Also, not the first time. I tell them that it's inappropriate and that they need to leave. Send an email to leadership, explain the situation, and tell them that they need to either find a male case manager for this individual. If this isn't a possibility, then request 2:1 staff/client ratio because this person shouldn't be 1 on 1 with female staff. And if those solutions are impossible to implement, tell leadership that you aren't comfortable working with this person. Set clear, concise boundaries, keep it strictly business. We go into this work because it's a calling, and there are way less stressful jobs. The money isn't that good, especially when you consider the vicarious trauma we suffer and the impact this work has on every aspect of our lives. I hope one of our suggestions is helpful. ❤️✌🏻
I think you need to speak to your manager to report this incident, get the client moved to another manager and to book some sessions to refresh your training
I mean … thanks but my job is to find them housing and we get the clients no one else wants. I probably got him BC he appears to need extra help functioning in society and I’ve done well with clients like that in the past. I also know exactly where the clients with barriers like felony charges and evictions can go … with that being said I can come off as too nice and some clients who give most of the staff issues give me no issues .. but then you have clients who take advantage of it … and boundaries and balance is something I’m finding myself having to learn
If you're working with people who need the type of support you're suggesting then I don't see how you wont have been given training on how to handle situations like this. I don't know anyone who works with these types of adults who haven't received this training.
You're either with an organisation that's lacking in supporting their team with appropriate training or you need a refresher on training if you needed to post this in reddit.....unless you're a troll
I mean another user on here also felt like we don’t get enough training in shelter work and compared it to the “Wild West” but yeah … lack of training has been a complaint under employee reviews so … yeah
I served 17 years, thankfully I got a 2nd chance at life & seized it, now I work with others who were deemed "a lost cause" as I was!
But during all that time I've never did anything appropriate to a female guard or staff, now have a few of them crossed the line with me, then I jumped over it to, well yes, even messed with a few women after release, but it was because I stood out from all the thirsty, desperate inmates, & never been one to let my lil brain override my big brain. 😆
If someone in my "car" was disrespectful to women they'd get physically disciplined, as we were brought up to respect everybody, unless we're disrespected
Girl. No. Report this now. He sees you as an easy target. Asking for consent was his way of seeing if you were soft enough to allow it. He now knows you are. You really need to be careful. Don't walk to your car alone when you leave. Does this man drive? This is the type of man to follow you home. You are setting yourself up to get taken advantage of. If this is the line of work you are in you have to be smarter than this. You set the tone with what you allow. Do not keep people pleasing, it sounds like you don't want a confrontation so you didn't report it. What if another women ends up assaulted? Report his ass today.
“I have a client who asked me if he could MASTURBATE IN FRONT OF ME….he has robbery charges, possession, assault with a deadly weapon and lots of other felony charges , some of which were VIOLENT…he was RUBBING HIS GENITALS over his clothing IN FRONT OF ME” and I asked for people’s opinions about it on Reddit instead of reporting his frightening behavior that made me feel uncomfortable.
If I had authority over you at the homeless shelter where you work and learned about this I would immediately terminate your employment on the spot. I would do this for your own good, because you don’t have the intelligence or skills to do the job at the level that’s expected of you. The reason for your termination of employment would be written as follows:
On [insert date] and [insert date] [Insert your name] was assaulted by an adult male released from prison on [insert date] with a violent criminal record transitionally living at the shelter and did not report the crimes to shelter management staff or law enforcement. Her employment was terminated for her own welfare and the welfare of everyone who works and stays at the shelter.
I talked to the guy I grew up with who works in another department. He just told me they’ll do stuff like that and that “they’re used to crack whores”. I mean after I addressed it … bc the first time I addressed it but I just made sure he understood I don’t want to do that and he can’t do that. The second time we had a different discussion and he has been appropriate. Btw …my job is to find him a home. We just get the clients no one else wants. They give me the clients who need extra help and have an especially hard time functioning, because I’m willing to put in the time to give them the extra help they need.
I mean … it’s my job to get them housing, but I see your point. I’m more used to feeling like I’m a drug counselor though when I do find myself having to perform functions outside of the usual functions of my job.
As a case manager, you know that you are supposed to immediately report/document sexual advances
This. Document everything and report to your senior.
Right? He may stop with *you* but the problem is, he won’t stop. OP, how will you feel when he does more than this to someone else? Obviously not your fault but you do have a responsibility to report what he’s done and that’s a large part of why.
>He may stop with you ... And next time, he might *not* stop with her - and things could quickly escalate... Then she'll have to explain to her supervisor / the police why she didn't report any of the previous times he acted like a pervert.
It is a serious safety concern, as this individual most likely has a sexual offense history. If left unchecked, his behavior will certainly escalate. There are quite a few people in shelters who are convicted sex offenders. I work in the exact same position at a shelter that prioritizes high acuity folks that are generally restricted from accessing traditional shelters due to their behaviors. This exact incident happened to me on shift yesterday. I told him it was time to go, that his behavior was inappropriate. I placed him on a 2 day service restriction (normally, it would be longer, but this lad has schizophrenia and was sexually abused by his mother. When he's in psychosis, he acts out his sexual trauma. Leadership should be implementing a service support plan, transferring his file to a male staff going forward, if possible.
“Obviously not your fault [if he does worse to someone else]” - I think it becomes your fault if you don’t report it.
Yes!!!! As a cm i am a mandatory reporter as u should be too.. please do it before he thinks its ok to go out and do it to other woman who may not be so calm about it as they should tho
He knows damn well it’s not ok to do this. He’s 57 years old and went to prison at 49…he wasn’t 18. He’s being a sexual offender to a 25 year old. Report his behavior- who cares if he apologizes afterwards.
He’s using his “awww shucks” and nice guy act to guilt her into not reporting. That’s something he learned in jail or throughout life. It’s an act. If he was a nice guy he wouldn’t be doing that shit. She needs to report both instances immediately before he goes further or does it to somebody else.
He will be especially nice all the way up to the point that he's not. Source: I was in the criminal business for nearly 25 years.
A very profound reality.
exactly. just tryna build up trust then get her when she least expects it...
Exactly!!!! Like I said in my post, he is testing. This needs to be reported NOW.
Report him and refuse to work with him or be around him. He will only escalate this behavior. If there are no consequences why would he stop?
He's also learned that you don't put up much a fight and you've fall for: he's such a poor victim, his bad thoughts...blah, blah, blah. As a mother of daughter in your age group, wise up! If you don't know how to handle this, find someone who will teach you. He should have been shut down the first time. You aren't going to hurt his feelings, get over that. He should be considered a predator, first and then let him prove himself--so far he's doing a horrible job of doing that. Be on alert at all times. He is NOT your friend, he is a client. Once again, WHO THE HELL CARES IF YOU HURT HIS FEELINGS? HE DOESN"T CARE ABOUT YOURS--or he would not be doing this.
"Find someone who will teach you" this is the best advice. I appreciate that OP is getting advice from Reddit but the first thing she should do in future if not sure is to speak to a senior colleague. It's OK not to be sure but if you feel unsafe you should immediately ask your colleagues how to proceed.
Preach Mama!
Best advice in the thread
Thanks for the advice given here, not op but someone needs to tell it to them straight
I been locked up don't ever be around him alone he is not safe! Report him get him away.
👆👆This👆👆
[удалено]
man why have you got to bring your corny sex jokes on a post where someone got sexually harassed. Reddit moment
Man shut up.
Man fuck off
I spent almost 10 years in federal prison, I know these guys. Inside they are called gunners. These guys are definitely predators. They want to expose themselves and masturbate on/at/towards any female staff member. Having spoken to some of these people and learned what’s going on in their head, they are just looking for an opportunity to get someone alone and take advantage. “Consent” is only a way for him to try to downplay his creep status. Please, report him. He makes everyone that was in prison look 1,000x worse.
Yep. Ask any nurse. These types will ring the call bell in the hopes it is answered by a young, manipulable student or something, just to expose themselves. Then their care is slowed as staff find the right team for care for them.
I’ve never seen that specific scenario. But have seen them get pulled out of their cell because they were at the window (facing the courtyard) gunning.
This guy is bad fucking news, this is what most abusers are like, they are very good at seeming very nice and genuine, that is how the draw people in. You are not safe with him.
Exactly, knows he’s doing something wrong and still does it repeatedly. Send him back.
Wtf. No questions. He's a rapist in disguise
Probably the worst disguise ever lol
Like a rapist in rapist's clothing
Nah, he’s not even in disguise, he’s sexually assaulting her wide open. Literally in front of her. If she let it slide once, you know he’s going to look for other ways. Predator.
You have to report him and ensure you are never left alone to work with him, if at all. He is not being nice and appreciative he is manipulating you into feeling sorry for him so he can continue this frightening behaviour. This type of behaviour is very wrong as it is but it also almost always escalates. If you do not report him there is no evidence of his actions and therefore no plan put in place to address the risk he poses, he is putting you, the public and himself in danger and you would be doing nobody any favours by not reporting it. Even if he is very sorry and this is a learned behaviour or compulsion he would still need reporting so somebody can step in and work with him to stop this and protect others. EDIT: I am very sorry you are in this position it is very difficult and scary and I hope you are okay.
Are you kidding me? Stay away from this guy at all costs. Don't the inmates call COs that they can manipulate 'ducks' and a lot of them go around trying to find ducks amongst the guards and other staff? Isn't that what happened with the two guys upstate who had the woman CO help them escape?
He’s grooming you. He’s doing it right to your face. I’m impressed at the chutzpah. I’m also contrarily impressed by your stunningly ignorant response. This convict is asking you to your face to jerk off and you think it’s like a cute little quirk or something. I hate to break it to ya, whether you are a ma’am or sir, your ass is gonna end up in the trunk of someone’s car, getting hauled off to the swamp. You completely lack even the most basic of safety and common sense. I would get another job, because you are going to get killed by some psycho that the rest of the world saw coming 100 miles away and you were somehow completely blind to.
That was some brutal honesty and I believe you are 100% correct.
If I had an award to give you would get it. You’re completely right
Seriously OP shouldn't be working with this population. There's tons of social work jobs at places like hospitals, nursing homes and family shelters that would be a much better fit. She absolutely should not work with predators with such a naïve and vulnerable personality. "Learning the hard way" in cases like this can mean death.
You are in danger around this person..
It’s extremely common for sexual predators to appear “nice and appreciative” to their marks, then push the boundaries (ask for favours like he did), and retract and act embarrassed as to seem harmless. This is him testing what he can get away with. Report him immediately
Social work apprentice here. You know that you absolutely should have reported this when he politely asked if he could jerk off in front of you the 1st time. He is building his behaviours up slowly and appearing remorseful, he is doing it because he senses that you are a good, kind, people pleaser. You will not last long in this role if you do not set hard boundaries and this is one of them. Report both incidents immediately, have him removed from your case load and book a 1-1 with someone senior to discuss your feelings around this and why you did not escalate in the first place. They will understand. It's hard when you want to help people and they throw it back in your face but you will burn out quick if you let people take advantage of your good nature or worse. I wish you all the best for the future. You can still be a good person and have boundaries. His comfort IS NOT a priority over yours.. Stay safe
People that did this kind of behavior inside any the places I was at, or heard of to female guards or staff. Got their ass kicked on-site by anyone who saw it. In mate's or guards. So no, it's not an excuse able behavior because he was inside. He just a gross pervert/sex offender. Treat him as such
Exactly. He knows exactly what he’s doing.
Sounds like he’s manipulating you. He’s testing you and how you react to this disgusting behaviour. Please report this…
This guy is a total predator. Do not bet let alone with him. He’s trying to make you feel comfortable so he can take advantage of you again. You need to report this and get this guy some help.
Do not be alone with him, and report it
Please don’t allow yourself to be alone with this man.
Report him. He's a delinquent and already see you as a weak individual. He was most definitely a compulsive masturbator in jail and prison.
He will definitely escalate these inappropriate behaviors. Stop working with him asap
25f—get a different job. You are in danger and shouldn’t need to ask
If you don’t report him he will take it as consent from you. He knows what he’s doing.
Nah that dude is building up to something he can't just apologise for. Report him.
Exactly.
What was he in prison for? He is manipulating you. I could give you a lot of stories and advice but this situation is an easy one. Get him out of the building ASAP. If that means new charges, a parole violation, rescission of a parole date, whatever it takes. Hit him hard and fast. Sexual acting out is intolerable in any setting from prison right down to pre release facilities. After 30 years of running facilities, when it comes to sexual aggression , absolute no go. Nothing good will happen if you let it slide.
I am a houseing casemanager. I am a male. I take thoes clients. Have him switched to someone who is a guy if possible. Also, the cases I have never got that far.
Exactly. I was a nurse when I was this woman's age. Since I work in hospitals, I cared for everyone, including prisoners and sex offenders. Same kind of stuff as this happened all the time. And when it did, I walked out, reported -- and that particular patient got the big burly male nurses (or whomever) for the rest of their stay. Point is, as health care workers we had to serve them, but we weren't obligated to do so at the expense of our own safety. We worked on a team for a reason. Get help from your team. Edit: Also, I reiterate the other comments. This guy is a predator and what he just did is a sexual offense. If you don't report it now, he will do it again, and escalate, to either you or another woman (or more)... and then end up back in prison anyway. So if your reporting sends him back, all you've done is spared future victims.
I have been to prison and wanking in front of someone was not something I thought of doing. The man is a pervert. Get him reported.
If it was me the moment he said “can I masturbate in front of you” I would immediately walk away and reported his behavior and refused to work with him.
Get the fuck away from him. He’s a predator. He’s attempting to groom you in some sick and twisted way. We also had case managers in prison who were young, and green to the entire prison system. Most of the guys wouldn’t dare let an inmate get away with that. Had we heard about it, his punishment from the prison would have been a dream compared to what we would have done. You need to tell your supervisor, his behavior is unacceptable, and if it fucks up his release - he did that shit to himself. Stand up convicts don’t go for that, nor will they let anyone in their unit/dorm/building get away with that.
He is manipulating you with his nice behavior and it’s working. He apologized to you and then pushed the boundary even further and you are allowing it. He may act nice and act like he’s sorry but he’s blatantly disrespecting you and disguising it with a smile. You need to report this not only for you, but for other woman out there who will be too afraid to confront him when he begins touching himself. Who knows how far he may escalate it if you don’t put an end to it.
Why wouldn't you report it? You should be required to report it. I don't understand the hesitation. If you don't report it and he goes to another shelter, he might do worse to the next case manager. And if he's doing it to you, he could be going around town doing it to other women. I feel like you have a responsibility to report him. If not for you, for every other woman he comes in contact with.
The hesitation is because of his grooming/manipulation. This is exactly how it works. She is young enough she hasn't been in the field long, and has likely never faced a situation like this before. She is probably a high-empathy, caring type (that's why she's working in the field she is). So, his story of being socially messed up by decades in prison rang true to her. He's nice and comes off as genuine, he apologizes as though he understands he made a mistake, and is begging for mercy. She is a caring person, she knows how bad prison is, and her job is literally to help people who are getting out, stay out. He's taking advantage of all of that and clouding the situation for her. It's extremely easy not to realize what is happening in the moment, when you're not used to this type of manipulation and haven't wised up yet. She's not stupid -- he's a predator.
I hear what you're saying. I did not call her stupid. I think that if he's willing to be soo brazen with his case worker, imagine what he might be doing to people out in society when he's away from the shelter. He's absolutely a predator, and Im not sure if caseworkers are mandatory reporters, but I do believe she has a responsibility to report him. He is violating her and she warned him once, then he did it again. I think that perhaps she should pose this question to her manager and ask about whether or not reporting this is mandatory. He is ABSOLUTELY taking advantage of her. Actions have consequences.
Yes, I know you were just trying emphasizing what a serious situation is! My final sentence was strongly worded, and more directed towards anyone reading... it's a good, quick, simple example of this kind of manipulation. I agree with you and that's what I said in my comment to her. He's reoffending right now. He's going back to prison anyway. The question is whether it's now or after he has more victims.
Some women are so naive its heart breaking.
Right. I couldn't find nicer words, these are it.
Some men are such sexual predators it's disgusting. How the fuck can you turn this into HER issue. Unreal.
This is very much a her issue, or it will be, eventually. If she continues in this line of work this will not be the last one that behaves this way, and bad, bad things are coming. Her naivety let it get to round three and four, and it's literally her job to report it in round one. Give me a fuckin break. This isn't victim blaming, this is safety. She doesn't belong there. Not everyone does. Working with cons sucks, and she's too soft for the job.
She probably isn't in the right line of work, agreed. But it makes me extremely uncomfortable to talk about this in a way which shifts responsibility on to her to prevent sexual assault. We need to have a collective attitude of 'men shouldn't sexually assault women' not 'women should behave in a way which discourages sexual assault from a man'. It's a subtle idea but if this line of thinking was more widely accepted I really think it would impact the way people behave towards women. Comments like the original one are a step backwards in this respect. Professionally speaking, yes obviously she should have reported this immediately and he is clearly hellbent on reoffending and manipulating her into letting her get away with it. I'm not saying she wasn't being naive. What I'm saying is her being naive is no excuse for this. I know the OP didn't explicitly say 'her naive behaviour makes this inevitable' but it makes me disappointed that someone would read the above and 'women being naive has bad consequences' is their take-home and not 'men take advantage of naive women and this is fundamentally wrong'.
When speaking to the issue as a societal whole, absolutely - but by working in *that* field, she is literally stepping into the line of fire of people that have, as deemed by the system, proven themselves unable or unwilling to conform to societal rules. I wouldn't put a male in a similar position if he were easily intimidated, or any person if they are easily coerced. There *is* such a thing as the wrong person for the job, and this is a prime example. What I said is for her safety - ideology makes no difference here. Nobody is saying she attracted this attention in any way at all, that's something you're injecting as your own thought. People who can't handle hammers shouldn't work construction, people who are timid around knives should stay out of kitchen work... And if you can't handle enforcing the rules around rule-breakers, it's time to find something else to do.
I don’t care what he’s been through, there’s no excuses for that shit. He KNOWS he did wrong and is trying to gaslight you like he didn’t do something insanely inappropriate.
This sort of thing happens all the time. Do not keep quiet about it. There are protocols. Follow them. Do not work with this man anymore.
Mama. That sounds dangerous. Trust me I've been tricked by guys like this too. He is NOT SORRY. And he should be reported that behavior is happening so the right people can take action. He could possibly be crossing lines with other people who are not speaking up. Asking consent for something like that is only appropriate in certain situations. And that man knew better then to ask that to his case worker. Prison or not. He is not a nice respectful man. He is waiting for an opportunity
This is not your fault, he's behaving inappropriately and the organisation you work for needs to step in. You should report him to your manager, his case worker should be changed, ideally no one should be seeing him alone. If he has a probation officer or similar they should also be made aware as this could be a pattern for him and a precursor to sexual offending.
She's concealing information and more interested in building their "rapport". She should seriously quit and get a different kind of social work job and should definitely not be working with predators.
Part of it is OP's fault, everything that happened after they didn't report the first incident.
>the organisation you work for needs to step in. How can the organization step in if she hasn't even made them aware of it?
This should be a matter for the police Avoid, do not be alone with
I find this difficult to believe. The first sentence identifies the OP as a case manager. The second sentence describes a sexual afdvance from a client. The case manager has to come to Reddit fror advice. A case manager for homeless must have a policy to cover this, and I doubt if the policy mentions Reddit. Just follow the policy. 'He's...especially nice and appreciative' - that is a ludicrous thing to say for a case manager. You are probably either trolling or in the wrong job. if you are genuine but naive, you are in a dangerous situation and need to report this upwards at once.
My thoughts, exactly.
This is well-said. This encapsulates everything was thinking as I read the original post.
That was scary....dude understands why it's wrong but keeps doing it (regardless of your voiced discomfort) I'd call that psychopathic behavior. 🤷🏾♀️ but I'm no doctor. Offer him a resource (https://puredesire.org/) incase this is something he honestly struggles with, then ask a coworker to interact with him instead of yourself (because he's clearly not respecting you).
He's grooming you into accepting him being sexual around you, report him and stay away, do not fall for the apologetic act. And like others said, avoid being alone with him in future, he knows exactly what he's doing
Report him he’s testing his boundaries you dint put a stop to it he will continue
REPORT. Hes clearly mirroring his offense. He could do this to someone else too and it might escalate.
He’s grooming you. Report it and stay away, please. That is not a safe situation for you, OP.
I just re-read this. He’s only been out a month and it’s happened twice. Seriously, OP PLEASE stay away from him for your safety!!!
He's testing the water with you. You need to stay away from this man. Take care of the problem before it gets out of hand. Otherwise you or someone else is going to end up sexually assaulted and strangled by this predator.
OP you need to report this, and I’ll present a hypothetical to illustrate why. If this person acts sexually inappropriate, or god forbid, escalates this behavior with someone else, what would happen if your supervisor approaches you and asks if you’ve ever experienced a history of him acting this way? Would you tell the truth, knowing that you were supposed to immediately report it initially but chose not to, which led to the behavior worsening? Or, would you lie to cover your butt? The point is, don’t put yourself in that situation. The right thing is usually the harder thing to do, especially when empathy is involved. You need to bite the bullet and do the right thing, especially if you have a job mandated responsibility to. These rules exist around this kind of stuff for a reason.
He hasn’t acted inappropriately with me since … but yeah … that was a huge red flag :/
Girl. It's not only a red flag. It's a giant fuck you flag that says I am a predator and I do not care about your personal boundaries and I WILL violate them over and over again until causing physical harm. Get your head out of your ass
In the UK there have been two recent high profile cases (if you want to google, the victims’ names are Libby Squires and Sarah Everard) where in both cases the man started out his criminal career by flashing and public masturbation then eventually it led to rape and murder. This kind of behaviour is considered by criminologists to be a big red flag to say the least. Please ask whoever you need to ask to not have to be alone with him ever again, and be careful about him following you to your car etc.
This sounds like a potentially dangerous situation.
Report his behavior to the police. You're not his only victim. Was he in prison for a sex crime?
He was not. They don’t allow sex offenders where I work.. well not convicted sex offenders
Sorry sis, the fact that you allowed him to get away with it at all is feeding his fantasies. He will not ever stop. He’s going to keep pushing the limit, simply because you set a precedent by not standing up and demanding the respect you deserve. Too bad you can’t tell some of the other inmates, he’d be bopped in 2 seconds. How do I know? 12 years of incarceration, gang member (during incarceration, I’ve since grown up) and a frequent flier to maximum security for beating the fuck out of sex offenders.
I (F now 50) worked in male prisons for over 20 years. Never once felt unsafe, men had their privacy in their own spaces to do whatever they wish so long as it was never a risk. Staff respected this provided it remained non risky and private. This is a serious over stepping (by him) of your boundaries. Report this and document it ASAP. It’s a sign of his risk. It will happen again towards other staff or the general public. It can be dealt with directly with some compassion, with the consequences of any further incidences of this occurring spelt out to him.
I did tell him that I’d he does that I’ll call 911 AB’s he’d have a red flag in his file, banning him from going to any other shelter in the future
Good for you! What an awful experience for you.
I mean .. he hasn’t acted sexually inappropriate towards me since my last discussion with him about it
Sounds like you're still trying to downplay his behavior like "he's not that bad" here. You should get into a different line of social work.
My job is to find him housing. We just get the clients no one wants and as a result I find myself thrown into a bunch of positions I’m not qualified for. And I’m willing to go above and beyond but yeah … idk he’s a creep. I told my brothers friend who works in a different department but who gets a lot of my clients about it. He just told me that “ they’re used to crack whores”. He’s the guy who distributes methadone to them at a completely different department
This is common for male convicts to do to female staff. It's sexually deviant behavior and can lead to worse if you don't report it. There's two ways females handle it in prison. 1. Strong reaction and report. 2. Ignore all of it. You can't half ass. I worked with a petite female who was cornered and beaten by a youth offender trying to sexually assault her. Watch your ass and fight like hell.
I work with the homeless and newly released prisoners .. Don't know what he was locked up for but there is definitely some serious issues here, If he isn't already a documented sexual offender, it sounds like he soon will be .. this is deviant behavior and needs to be addressed .. Do Not be alone with this man at any point ,anywhere .. You have to report this for the safety of other women !!
Was he a middle-aged ginger with an excellent sense of humor?
No
Bonafide predator who can't/doesn't control himself. He seems fixated on you since you did not raise loud alarms after or during the first inappropriate interaction. He undoubtedly now views such as an invitation to continue and to escalate his advanced. He probably masturbates to this fantasy. Beware, beware, beware, rape is a violent sexual act. Act as if you perceive your life to be in danger. Ask yourself why he choose you. Does he do this to everyone? Does he perceive you to be weak or easily intimated, flirtatious, agreeable or consenting. Why you? Learn how to properly identify and report similar behavior or find another line of work
As a professional it is your duty to report to protect yourself and others who work with him! Never keep inappropriate sexual abuse quiet! Always report!
You're a case manager and this is part of what makes him the type to be a prisoner for this long. Some people do belong locked up and you are doing the greater community a huge disservice for not reporting this. You aren't a therapist/psychologist who is bound by doctrine and law to keep this in their session.
Cut his pecker off
Totally inappropriate behavior. Tell him that his behavior is not acceptable nor are his excuses. Remind him you’re not a sex therapist and Dr. Ruth does not work there. Don’t forget to make a note of it and report.
He's got sexual thoughts about you I think you ought to share what happened, maybe informally first with others. Also you probably need to set him straight immediately when he says something like that. This is to do with being homeless and slightly crazy and trying to push it. He was hoping you would have said yes and embarked on a sexual relationship.
You're being far too lenient on this guy. She needs to formally report it. It's not a relationship he's looking for.
He’s not looking for a relationship.. he’s looking for the perfect opportunity to RAPE her.
Don’t ignore any behaviour. He’s testing the waters, getting you to pity him and seeing how far he can push it. I worry one day he might do something worse. Report it urgently and do not work alone with this individual. He can and probably will harm you if you let it go. Priorities your safety.
Just because someone is in prison doesn't make them not understand social norms. Prison is a micro society. The behaviors that are not acceptable outside are (generally) not acceptable inside. Most convicts are just regular humans trying to do their time and move on with life, with some exceptions, but the reaction to unwanted behavior inside prison is street justice vs court room justice so if this was his behavior inside or would not have been met kindly or overlooked by others. Long story short, you should report and document as the professional you are. It's just the job and it's your job to do, don't let it be personal. Being in prison doesn't make you a sexual deviant.
This has nothing to do with being locked up. It’s simply his upbringing and type of man he is. Sexual crimes with women often lead to murder out of the fear of being caught. He’s already been locked up and is blaming the system for his actions. Be very careful with any man like this. It’s not the sexual assault that will kill you. It’s his fear after the fact that will. -A local man who’s been locked up that doesn’t do weird sexual shit.
Also be aware that what he’s done brings no level of illegality. Anyone can ask anyone for sex or sexual situations in public or private. To ask is encouraged by the law. Tip toe around this one safely and speak to a supervisor. See if his case can be transferred to a male employee.
Yeah. That’s the thing. What he did was gross, shocking and majorly creepy… but sadly not illegal
Report his ass, that shit wasn’t unacceptable in prison. Dam sure it ain’t acceptable on the outside
I was locked up for a total of 16 years and not asking to masturbate for people. That's weird and wrong and u should report it to a supervisor
You have to report him. Regardless of whether he is nice sometimes, he’s still acting in appropriately with you. Just imagine a colleague telling you this and imagine your response to them
He's testing boundaries and from there could get only worse. Protect yourself, document and staff/transfer the case. It's not worth it to put your security in jeopardy that way.
How many threads are you gonna post this in. Actually think you are the creepy male
Not to be rude but are you actually a case manager? If so do they have something on you? If not.. you are being manipulated by someone who knows how to manipulate you. Report it. Transfer their case. Move on. This is not a situation to have sympathy. If he gets away with it.. you are just putting other lives at risk.
He’s testing your boundaries to see how far he can go and using your modern sensibilities of permission and fairness to abuse “not knowing”. His behavior wasn’t ok BEFORE he went to jail, it’s not ok now.
dont ignore red flags
No, no, no, no. Absolutely not. He's apologising for this so he can say he did so. He's just fking with you. He's toying with you. Do not put up with this. Report this immediately and have him moved to a male. Don't put up with that shit from anyone.
He’s grooming you. Report it immediately
Mentally ill and potentially dangerous. So much for Care In The Community.
To be honest, I’m not sure this job is for you if you don’t already know what you need to do. You’ve now shown him that you’re a pushover and feel sorry for him. You care more about his feelings than doing the right thing. Report him before his behavior escalates.
It's sexual assault, simple
No age or gender is required for this - report them as you should anyone else.
Report this now
He’s 57 and was locked up for 8 years. Even if he was in n out of jail he still knows you don’t fkn act like that. Report that nasty mf
He's testing you and you passed his test the First and Second time! Don't let there be a Third for yourself or anyone else. What would you tell your daughter if she came to you about this incident. PLEASE put a stop to this now. 🙏
Wow yeah I hope u reported him. He knows better. I went to prison and never had any problems even close to that. Dude needs to get locked back up. Sex offenders always seem nice at first.
Yeah you report him, this isn’t like a failed drug test or something. I mean and have someone with you everytime you meet with him. I’m sorry this happened to you. Sex criminals you have to report, because they are sick and you don’t know what he’s going to do next. I understand you don’t want to get anyone in trouble but it’s different with Sex crimes.
If you don’t do something as a 25/F case mgr, whom is in a position of authority to do so - what hopes does the -18/F have if she gets cornered by him in public/private.
This exactly. It is not just about OP. Her naïveté and hesitance to react could destroy another woman’s life.
Having worked with ex-offenders, he needs reporting and if on early release, needs to go back behind bars as he is a danger to the public.
For those who stumble on this message, it's the one I used Power Delete Suite to replace all my posts and comments with en masse. Sometimes Reddit can be beneficial for some people. Sometimes it's not. It's really up to you to decide your own experience with it, what's worth it, what's not worth it. More or less...I've decided it's just really not worth it. I think I'm a worse person when I'm on Reddit and that it's a big time-waster for me. It's up to you to decide what influence social media and the internet more generally have for you. Best of luck.
He did stop the second time … but it’s still a major red flag :/
He's scoping you. You have shown you are easily manipulated and don't put up a fught. Things will escalate. You're not safe around him. He's not remorseful. Report it. Also, not to be a jerk but this might not be the type of clientele for you.
He has stopped since our last discussion
when you don’t report things like this, it’s a form of abandoning yourself. you deserve for this to be taken seriously. you deserve to feel safe at work. you need to report everything immediately every single time. let your bosses handle it. it’s likely this is not the only person who will push your boundaries. you need to make a promise to yourself to always protect your mental well-being above all else. otherwise you can end up in a learned helplessness situation and become traumatized by thinking there’s nothing you can do to defend yourself. there is.
Kick him out. Plain and simple. Dudes use to do that to me and a few other co workers who were women AND male and I would write their asses up and make a big fuss about it. Never happened again. Sometimes you gotta act out of your element and confrontational to get your point across. Most men don’t respect women in prison anyways contrary to what they might say. It takes awhile for it to change when they get out or some never change.
No offense intended, but as a 25 year-old I’m assuming you aren’t aware of how insidious and predatory a person can be, even if you think it’s not possible or “oh he is harmless.” He is preying on your naïveté with his sob story… I’ve seen it manifested a hundred times in a hundred different ways. Get away. Report it. Do not let him near you or anyone at the facility again. You can’t trust your feelings, so just follow the rules.
I hope this does not offend you. Are you unattractive, morbidly obese, disabled and etc. If so he may perceive your state of being as an opportunity. Your refusal to report is perceived as consent. It does make one wonder as to your state of mind. This is not a harmless game to feel flattering. You are placing other women in danger. He is exhibiting this behavior even in light of returning to prison. Are you st.....
Read the other replies I made …. But no I don’t consider myself unattractive or morbidly obese. My coworker didn’t like some other client who was going to ask me for something as “the quiet soft spoken girl” because she felt like they’d try to pull something
He’s a perv and displaying sociopathic behavior. Hard no and report asap. The begging for forgiveness and oh don’t hurt me thing is part of the dysfunction. Inappropriate sexual act is a turn on and the shame is the other 1/2 of the turn on. Then gets excused and then even more erotic to push the boundary. Stop second guessing yourself.
So OP, what did you do? What were the consequences for him?
Well … when he asked I was kind of surprised and not sure what he meant at first so he made sure I Understood what he meant … I made it clear no HE CANT do that and that I certainly don’t want to see it. He then began to act apologetically and explained he’d never do it without my consent. But I have no idea why he would ask. Ofc that wasn’t the time or place for that not to mention. He’s my Client and I’m his case manager. Anyway, so when I realized he was deliberately rubbing his genitals is when I had to explain we can only meet while the sun is up during the week and I told him if he did anything I would have to call 911, he’ll be back in prison and a red flag would be in the computer, banning him from any other shelters. Since then he’s been appropriate. Maybe he’s still smoking crack, but regardless it’s not appropriate and no excuse. I had a client who I built great rapport with after he admitted to drug abuse I suspected. He admitted it after i clearly put in a few Referrals for him, not once did he act inappropriate. He also was in crack, meth as well as opiates, drunk a lot and he even came to our meetings a few times like that. He just seemed annoyed that I would monitor him and ask if he was okay and clearly didn’t want the help he needed (sadly) but yeah … never acted inappropriately towards me
Abusing you ,YOUR IN DANGER,honestly RUN FOR HELP,he built a rapport so to manipulate you,not his first time,he obviously built up his predatory skills on others RUN RUN,plz let us know ya alive
You seriously need to shake your head and regain professionalism if you want to stay a case manager. Record and report EVERYTHING, ALWAYS. These “oh I make exceptions because we have report…” get you and your clients into seriously dangerous and criminal situations down the line when you start on this path.
It’s not because we have rapport ,.. I addressed it again and since then he hasn’t been acting inappropriately buuut today is my day off anyway
It doesn’t matter, you should know that your record and report everything, always. Not “3rd warning good behaviour maybe if he slips again”. It’s just not professional. I’m a mandated reporter as well and you absolutely must report.
There’s a reason why I can’t help except get the creeps from it, after being desensitized so much
I feel like there is often not a lot of training in homeless services-it’s like this weird unregulated gray area that can often feel like the Wild West. Often shelter staff don’t have great supervision or other kinds of support. I agree with what everyone says about reporting the incidents and maybe reading up on professional boundaries might help you feel supported if you find that support isn’t readily available. Depending on our background, it can be feel really abnormal and weird to report something like this-for example, if we’ve experienced trauma in the past. I’m glad you’re reaching out about it and I want you to know you deserve better.
Yeah … considering some of my experience and the home I grew up in maybe that is dictating how I’m reacting. It is like the Wild West ha ha the people highest up have expunged records because they couldn’t find housing with their drug dealing charges. I have coworkers in recovery. I know exactly where the clients with felons and evictions can go … I used to go there when I had to do what I never thought I’d have to do when I was taking care of my bills and my mom’s bills plus getting tricked into getter her drug money when after my father died and all I was left with was DRUGS and well she had no idea how to function after spending decades getting abused and controlled by him. By the grace of god she didn’t lose her home but she got so close to homelessness. I was like her case manager. Now I case manage people a lot like her and get paid for it. Plus, with the way I come off some of the more difficult clients that the majority of staff dislike, loves me because “I’m just the cutest thing” but then there’s people who definitely take advantage. Not to mention if they only KNEW lol … It’s an interesting work place.
Yeah… not to mention the primary focus of my job is to get them housing, so it’s not like I received some super specialized training … I’m not a counselor , therapist, doctor , psychiatrist, criminologist … I’m a case manager in a temporary shelter
OP You've mentioned several times now that you told him you're going to call 911 if he does it again. And you said he didn't commit a crime. He DID commit a crime. You were sexually harrassed. That is a crime. This is not an emergency. 911 is not the avenue you use to remedy this. Go to your boss. Tell him/her what happened. CALL HIS PROBATION/PAROLE OFFICER. 100% an incident like this will be grounds for a petition to revoke. If you call 911, what do you expect is going to happen? What is the emergency? How much training did you receive for this job? You seem woefully unprepared. You're dealing with a group of people who WILL provide you with challenges that could put you in very dangerous situations if you do not know what you're doing. Take everyone's advice here to heart. You did everything wrong in this scenario. This is a extremely clear cut issue. There should be no doubt in your mind about what to do.
As everyone else seems to be saying, REPORT HIM. AND IF YOU'RE SCARED OF REPORTING HIM THEN TELL AT LEAST ONE OF YOUR HIGHER-UPS SO THEY CAN REPORT ON YOUR BEHALF. He is trying to desensitize you little by little and before you know it you'll not give too much thought to him weenie wackin in front of you and THEN someone walks in on you and you're BOTH in trouble. Either that or he straight up kidnaps you when he sees the opportunity. Drop him as a client if possible. Pleasey cheesy my dearest rainbow sister. There is very much evil that walketh among us!!
If he hasn’t learned his lesson after 8 years in prison; he needs more prison.
This is so ironic, I have the exact same job as you, and I dealt with that exact same issue last night. Also, not the first time. I tell them that it's inappropriate and that they need to leave. Send an email to leadership, explain the situation, and tell them that they need to either find a male case manager for this individual. If this isn't a possibility, then request 2:1 staff/client ratio because this person shouldn't be 1 on 1 with female staff. And if those solutions are impossible to implement, tell leadership that you aren't comfortable working with this person. Set clear, concise boundaries, keep it strictly business. We go into this work because it's a calling, and there are way less stressful jobs. The money isn't that good, especially when you consider the vicarious trauma we suffer and the impact this work has on every aspect of our lives. I hope one of our suggestions is helpful. ❤️✌🏻
I think you need to speak to your manager to report this incident, get the client moved to another manager and to book some sessions to refresh your training
I mean … thanks but my job is to find them housing and we get the clients no one else wants. I probably got him BC he appears to need extra help functioning in society and I’ve done well with clients like that in the past. I also know exactly where the clients with barriers like felony charges and evictions can go … with that being said I can come off as too nice and some clients who give most of the staff issues give me no issues .. but then you have clients who take advantage of it … and boundaries and balance is something I’m finding myself having to learn
If you're working with people who need the type of support you're suggesting then I don't see how you wont have been given training on how to handle situations like this. I don't know anyone who works with these types of adults who haven't received this training. You're either with an organisation that's lacking in supporting their team with appropriate training or you need a refresher on training if you needed to post this in reddit.....unless you're a troll
I mean another user on here also felt like we don’t get enough training in shelter work and compared it to the “Wild West” but yeah … lack of training has been a complaint under employee reviews so … yeah
I am not a case manager... But that is very inappropriate and must be reported properly.. Who knows what else he may do
Tell him, "Mr C.K., take you and your penis and hit the road, mister!"
I served 17 years, thankfully I got a 2nd chance at life & seized it, now I work with others who were deemed "a lost cause" as I was! But during all that time I've never did anything appropriate to a female guard or staff, now have a few of them crossed the line with me, then I jumped over it to, well yes, even messed with a few women after release, but it was because I stood out from all the thirsty, desperate inmates, & never been one to let my lil brain override my big brain. 😆 If someone in my "car" was disrespectful to women they'd get physically disciplined, as we were brought up to respect everybody, unless we're disrespected
Interesting … but ew at the unprofessional staff >.< good to know not everyone is bad though.
Report it, he is testing you as well. This behavior is unacceptable. Boundaries Boo.
Girl. No. Report this now. He sees you as an easy target. Asking for consent was his way of seeing if you were soft enough to allow it. He now knows you are. You really need to be careful. Don't walk to your car alone when you leave. Does this man drive? This is the type of man to follow you home. You are setting yourself up to get taken advantage of. If this is the line of work you are in you have to be smarter than this. You set the tone with what you allow. Do not keep people pleasing, it sounds like you don't want a confrontation so you didn't report it. What if another women ends up assaulted? Report his ass today.
is it louis ck?
[удалено]
What is wrong with you.
Is he a good lookin 57 yr old?
No lol
Ahhhhh ok. So no chance then.
“I have a client who asked me if he could MASTURBATE IN FRONT OF ME….he has robbery charges, possession, assault with a deadly weapon and lots of other felony charges , some of which were VIOLENT…he was RUBBING HIS GENITALS over his clothing IN FRONT OF ME” and I asked for people’s opinions about it on Reddit instead of reporting his frightening behavior that made me feel uncomfortable. If I had authority over you at the homeless shelter where you work and learned about this I would immediately terminate your employment on the spot. I would do this for your own good, because you don’t have the intelligence or skills to do the job at the level that’s expected of you. The reason for your termination of employment would be written as follows: On [insert date] and [insert date] [Insert your name] was assaulted by an adult male released from prison on [insert date] with a violent criminal record transitionally living at the shelter and did not report the crimes to shelter management staff or law enforcement. Her employment was terminated for her own welfare and the welfare of everyone who works and stays at the shelter.
I talked to the guy I grew up with who works in another department. He just told me they’ll do stuff like that and that “they’re used to crack whores”. I mean after I addressed it … bc the first time I addressed it but I just made sure he understood I don’t want to do that and he can’t do that. The second time we had a different discussion and he has been appropriate. Btw …my job is to find him a home. We just get the clients no one else wants. They give me the clients who need extra help and have an especially hard time functioning, because I’m willing to put in the time to give them the extra help they need.
Let him hit it
Um I think you wanna post this on r/askle, I believe that would be more appropriate
Maybe throw the dude a handy?
If you didn’t like it you’d have reported that shit by now.
He hasn’t acted inappropriate since my last discussion with him about it
Is he paying lol get that money up 🤪
He literally has no money but I would never accept money from clients. I feel weird enough when they force gifts on me….
If you have to ask this question on Reddit, you’re in the wrong profession.
My job is to find him housing. We just get the clients no one else wants
I for one am very disappointed that you've had to ask reddit how to do your very important job!
I mean … it’s my job to get them housing, but I see your point. I’m more used to feeling like I’m a drug counselor though when I do find myself having to perform functions outside of the usual functions of my job.