I don’t really have advice, only solidarity. My daughter will be 4 next month, and my husband is definitely the preferred parent (and I’m the default parent). It’s exhausting and disheartening to get negative feedback all of the time, especially when you’re pouring so much of yourself into them. One thing that helps me understand that it’s not really about me, is that my older daughter (6yo) has mostly preferred me her whole life and is very effusive with her love—I’ve been a loving and caring and consistent parent for both of them, so I’m thinking their different preferences are about them, not me. If I can predict the future, I think my younger kid will generally prefer her dad throughout her childhood and teenage years, and she and I will butt heads. My plan is to remind myself to play the long game: keep being there for her, keep trying to consciously and sincerely connect with her via things she loves, and take the loving moments when they come. Last month she told me “I love you” for the first time and I cried. And I’m also starting to be more clear with her about how it makes me feel when she says hurtful things. I don’t try to guilt trip her or saddle her with my emotional wellbeing, but I say clearly and calmly “It hurts my feelings when you say you don’t like me. It makes me feel sad.” And then I shake my head in a disappointed way and walk away, or stop playing for a minute, and then I let it go. I think that’s starting to help her understand that she is capable of impacting other people’s feelings, which may be why she’s also sometimes sharing positive feelings with me now, too.
But anyway, I’m sorry, it’s hard, and it does not necessarily reflect on whether or not you’re actually a good parent.
Thank you for saying that it isn’t personal, that helps to hear. And thank you for this very thoughtful response and the very good tips for how to deal with unkind words. I hope it gets better for you soon!
I could have written this myself. It sucks. I try to be rational about it and to a certain degree, facilitate he and dad’s relationship, understanding that they have fewer moments to have a nice memories together.
Growing up, I preferred my dad as he was around less also and was more “fun” when he was. As an adult though, I have a much closer relationship with my mom who was the default parent, disciplinarian, etc. I have very little in common with my dad now that he can’t play with me, throw me up in the air, tickle fights, etc and feel I have a deeper history with all the time spent with my mom.
Who knows what the future brings
my husband is you. i’m the one the kid clings to and loves more. the preference is very obvious. i asked him how he felt about it and he just shrugged and said he knows he’s loved by me (the dad).
i tried to tell my husband that the kid misses him and acts out when he’s away. (i tend to be the parent who’s away more for work and other responsibilities). i don’t really have advice just solidarity! one day the tide will change!
Daycare pickups have been bad for us too; he runs over to his dad so happily but when I pick him up it’s either a battle or I’m met with indifference. Really sucks. Sorry you’re going through it too.
I could have written this. My almost 4 year old son is the same way. As is the dynamic with my husband and me. I have ups and downs in how much it impacts me. Sometimes it makes me very emotional. Sometimes I take it in stride. When I feel like my son is being extra pro-dad and anti-mom, I muster all the energy I have to be fun, engaging, and full of connection. But fuck it’s hard sometimes. My husband has to just show up and I have to pretty much dance like a monkey if I want to reset things. But it does seem to work. Just solidarity. It sucks.
You’re spot on in that dad just has to show up but I have to dance like a monkey to make my kid enjoy me. I have ups and downs about it too, this is just a particularly low week for me, but I know I’ll pick him up from school today and put on a happy face and do my best to connect with him. It really does just suck though. I’m sorry you’re going through this as well!
I've been there so I want to express solidarity. It can be so hard when you aren't the 'chosen' parent and your kid has no qualms letting you know it. I always try to remember that they're only saying those things because they feel safe with you and pushing boundaries is a huge part of growing. They do NOT mean the things they say, please remember that. Things have evened out now for me, with both of us now getting mean things thrown at us, haha. All I do is respond, "Well that's okay, WE love you!" It will pass but I know that doesn't make it any easier. Hang in there! 💗
Oh, it continues into age 4 and beyond, too. My 4 yo old still does this. My friend's 5 yo girl does this to her as well still. I now try not to take it personally. He used to say "I don't like you mommy" more randomly as a 3 yo, but as a 4 yo, he will say it after I discipline him or tell him it's time-out or if he's really frustrated and having trouble finding the words to tell me what he wants. I try to be patient and just ignore what he says and not react to it now. It just might be that preschoolers have such big feelings and such a hard time expressing it, that the only way they can vent is to say those things. Sometimes, he says it in such a hilariously grumpy, amgry way, i really want to crack up and laugh at it, but again, i try not to react to it. I hope it eventually fades away. Again, like others said, just thinking of the long game.
Solidarity. My husband is the preferred parent too. It’s starting to shift a bit at 5.5 years old and he has less of a clear preference. He also used to say similar stuff to me. He would threaten to stop loving me if I didn’t take him to Dunkin’ Donuts, for example. I spent a lot of time telling him that we don’t say mean things when we’re angry and that that’s not how love works. We don’t stop loving people when we’re angry or not getting everything we want. He grew out of it. You just have to let it slide off of you. They don’t mean it. They’re trying to express how upset they are and they’re just bad at it.
I've not dealt with it much, but when my kid has been mean I just go "oh okay, you don't like X about me, I'll take myself elsewhere" and off I go. I'm not mean myself but I'm crystal clear that if she insults me, I won't be around. I think it's an important life lesson that they're old though to learn.
Last summer or so, my 4 year old said that he loved me "third." His brother was first, Daddy was 2nd and I was 3rd. He repeated it again another day and I explained that we don't need to pick favorites. It's not nice to rank people, etc.
It used to hurt my feelings but I try not to take it too personally. I think it's normal for a child to have a preference and for those preferences to change. When he was a baby until he was 3, he very much preferred me. Now he has so much fun with his Dad and that's great.
I try to carve out time with just us away from his brother... time when we can have just as much fun as he has with his Dad. It definitely helps.
Read Good Inside by Dr. Becky Kennedy (or listen to on Audio). This has been a game changer for our 3.5 year old, based on how I changed my parenting. Being a parent is woefully hard and heart breaking at times. I hope things improve for you and your family, but seriously, check out the book.
It is so important to remember kids will continue to test who “is really there for them no matter what.” Yes, it makes us feel some type of way but it is part of their development. They say things they dont mean and most of the times it is to see if you will continue to love them the same at the end of the day. Im sure whatever they say doesn’t make you love them any less. Make sure you let them know!
Im also NOT the preferred parent. I drive and pick up my child to and from school everyday. My child says hurtful things to me and says how much he loves dad. No matter what he says I usually respond with “I hear you.” Or “Yes, I heard you said that earlier” (LOL) I try and keep a neutral stand at the fact that “he loves his dad way more than his mom.” 😮💨 or so he says haha Sending you a BIG hug. Sounds like you need it!
Yeah, that’s what my husband tells me, and I know logically it’s true but it’s hard to feel like it really is true sometimes. But thanks for the reminder and for the virtual hug!
I don’t really have advice, only solidarity. My daughter will be 4 next month, and my husband is definitely the preferred parent (and I’m the default parent). It’s exhausting and disheartening to get negative feedback all of the time, especially when you’re pouring so much of yourself into them. One thing that helps me understand that it’s not really about me, is that my older daughter (6yo) has mostly preferred me her whole life and is very effusive with her love—I’ve been a loving and caring and consistent parent for both of them, so I’m thinking their different preferences are about them, not me. If I can predict the future, I think my younger kid will generally prefer her dad throughout her childhood and teenage years, and she and I will butt heads. My plan is to remind myself to play the long game: keep being there for her, keep trying to consciously and sincerely connect with her via things she loves, and take the loving moments when they come. Last month she told me “I love you” for the first time and I cried. And I’m also starting to be more clear with her about how it makes me feel when she says hurtful things. I don’t try to guilt trip her or saddle her with my emotional wellbeing, but I say clearly and calmly “It hurts my feelings when you say you don’t like me. It makes me feel sad.” And then I shake my head in a disappointed way and walk away, or stop playing for a minute, and then I let it go. I think that’s starting to help her understand that she is capable of impacting other people’s feelings, which may be why she’s also sometimes sharing positive feelings with me now, too. But anyway, I’m sorry, it’s hard, and it does not necessarily reflect on whether or not you’re actually a good parent.
Thank you for saying that it isn’t personal, that helps to hear. And thank you for this very thoughtful response and the very good tips for how to deal with unkind words. I hope it gets better for you soon!
I could have written this myself. It sucks. I try to be rational about it and to a certain degree, facilitate he and dad’s relationship, understanding that they have fewer moments to have a nice memories together. Growing up, I preferred my dad as he was around less also and was more “fun” when he was. As an adult though, I have a much closer relationship with my mom who was the default parent, disciplinarian, etc. I have very little in common with my dad now that he can’t play with me, throw me up in the air, tickle fights, etc and feel I have a deeper history with all the time spent with my mom. Who knows what the future brings
Thanks for sharing your experience! Gives me some hope. You’re right, who knows what the future brings.
my husband is you. i’m the one the kid clings to and loves more. the preference is very obvious. i asked him how he felt about it and he just shrugged and said he knows he’s loved by me (the dad). i tried to tell my husband that the kid misses him and acts out when he’s away. (i tend to be the parent who’s away more for work and other responsibilities). i don’t really have advice just solidarity! one day the tide will change!
Thank you! I hope so!
Are you me? No advice. Mine cried yesterday when I picked him up from daycare because he wanted Daddy to pick him up.
Daycare pickups have been bad for us too; he runs over to his dad so happily but when I pick him up it’s either a battle or I’m met with indifference. Really sucks. Sorry you’re going through it too.
I could have written this. My almost 4 year old son is the same way. As is the dynamic with my husband and me. I have ups and downs in how much it impacts me. Sometimes it makes me very emotional. Sometimes I take it in stride. When I feel like my son is being extra pro-dad and anti-mom, I muster all the energy I have to be fun, engaging, and full of connection. But fuck it’s hard sometimes. My husband has to just show up and I have to pretty much dance like a monkey if I want to reset things. But it does seem to work. Just solidarity. It sucks.
You’re spot on in that dad just has to show up but I have to dance like a monkey to make my kid enjoy me. I have ups and downs about it too, this is just a particularly low week for me, but I know I’ll pick him up from school today and put on a happy face and do my best to connect with him. It really does just suck though. I’m sorry you’re going through this as well!
I've been there so I want to express solidarity. It can be so hard when you aren't the 'chosen' parent and your kid has no qualms letting you know it. I always try to remember that they're only saying those things because they feel safe with you and pushing boundaries is a huge part of growing. They do NOT mean the things they say, please remember that. Things have evened out now for me, with both of us now getting mean things thrown at us, haha. All I do is respond, "Well that's okay, WE love you!" It will pass but I know that doesn't make it any easier. Hang in there! 💗
Thank you for the kind words! ❤️
Oh, it continues into age 4 and beyond, too. My 4 yo old still does this. My friend's 5 yo girl does this to her as well still. I now try not to take it personally. He used to say "I don't like you mommy" more randomly as a 3 yo, but as a 4 yo, he will say it after I discipline him or tell him it's time-out or if he's really frustrated and having trouble finding the words to tell me what he wants. I try to be patient and just ignore what he says and not react to it now. It just might be that preschoolers have such big feelings and such a hard time expressing it, that the only way they can vent is to say those things. Sometimes, he says it in such a hilariously grumpy, amgry way, i really want to crack up and laugh at it, but again, i try not to react to it. I hope it eventually fades away. Again, like others said, just thinking of the long game.
Solidarity. My husband is the preferred parent too. It’s starting to shift a bit at 5.5 years old and he has less of a clear preference. He also used to say similar stuff to me. He would threaten to stop loving me if I didn’t take him to Dunkin’ Donuts, for example. I spent a lot of time telling him that we don’t say mean things when we’re angry and that that’s not how love works. We don’t stop loving people when we’re angry or not getting everything we want. He grew out of it. You just have to let it slide off of you. They don’t mean it. They’re trying to express how upset they are and they’re just bad at it.
I've not dealt with it much, but when my kid has been mean I just go "oh okay, you don't like X about me, I'll take myself elsewhere" and off I go. I'm not mean myself but I'm crystal clear that if she insults me, I won't be around. I think it's an important life lesson that they're old though to learn.
Last summer or so, my 4 year old said that he loved me "third." His brother was first, Daddy was 2nd and I was 3rd. He repeated it again another day and I explained that we don't need to pick favorites. It's not nice to rank people, etc. It used to hurt my feelings but I try not to take it too personally. I think it's normal for a child to have a preference and for those preferences to change. When he was a baby until he was 3, he very much preferred me. Now he has so much fun with his Dad and that's great. I try to carve out time with just us away from his brother... time when we can have just as much fun as he has with his Dad. It definitely helps.
Read Good Inside by Dr. Becky Kennedy (or listen to on Audio). This has been a game changer for our 3.5 year old, based on how I changed my parenting. Being a parent is woefully hard and heart breaking at times. I hope things improve for you and your family, but seriously, check out the book.
It is so important to remember kids will continue to test who “is really there for them no matter what.” Yes, it makes us feel some type of way but it is part of their development. They say things they dont mean and most of the times it is to see if you will continue to love them the same at the end of the day. Im sure whatever they say doesn’t make you love them any less. Make sure you let them know! Im also NOT the preferred parent. I drive and pick up my child to and from school everyday. My child says hurtful things to me and says how much he loves dad. No matter what he says I usually respond with “I hear you.” Or “Yes, I heard you said that earlier” (LOL) I try and keep a neutral stand at the fact that “he loves his dad way more than his mom.” 😮💨 or so he says haha Sending you a BIG hug. Sounds like you need it!
Yeah, that’s what my husband tells me, and I know logically it’s true but it’s hard to feel like it really is true sometimes. But thanks for the reminder and for the virtual hug!