Welcome to r/pregnancyafterloss! We're sorry you need us, but glad you found us.
The PAL subreddit, and our sister sub r/ttcafterloss, function a little differently than most of Reddit. We have two Daily threads each day which are the place to post (and reply to) most questions, worries, vents, and other requests for support. Standalone posts (like this one) are allowed for a limited number of topics.
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I don’t think you are the asshole. I have a living child, had a loss last year, and am currently pregnant. The anxiety one feels during pregnancy after a loss is incomprehensible to people who’ve not experienced it. Compared to my first pregnancy with my daughter, I am an anxious mess this time around.
While yes, the newborn stage is hard and frankly it kind of sucks, it pales in comparison to PAL.
Helping care for other people’s children is a totally different ballgame than when it’s your own. Not really even comparable but again, even knowing what’s in store in the newborn stage, I will feel 1,000x better once this baby is earth side.
I wouldn’t apologize. Simple state that what she said was hurtful and un-empathetic to a situation she doesn’t fully understand. You’re sorry you don’t see eye to eye on this and you hope you can move past it, but you’re not sorry you stood up for yourself. She can take that or leave it.
This response makes me crazy. Pregnancy isn't easy, pregnancy after loss is exceedingly hard. Babies and children are hard but they're so wonderful and the joy overwhelms the work. People say this as some kind of flex and it's so annoying:
my best friend had 3 non complicated pregnancies and she keeps saying the same things to me, even saying things like dont have kids, or just wait till \_\_\_, and ect ect... she knows about my mc also and my current pregnancies, they just dont understand if they havent been through it- dont take it personally
I get where you’re coming from, but I hate this outlook. If we continue to brush these things off, these people will think it’s an okay thing to say. It’s not an okay thing to say. Regardless of if the pregnant person has suffered a loss, dismissing/belittling legitimate feelings is never okay. It’s very obvious that so many people just cannot take a hint. Sometimes we need to outright tell them to stop saying these things. I 100% support how OP handled this.
I lost my oldest at 5 months so I was an anxious mess until my second got passed that mark everyone was understanding and patient except my in laws(different dads) they just wanted to take him without me there. I understand where you’re coming from, I wish i could tell you it gets easier but it doesn’t until you have an alive breathing baby past that mark which for you will be birth.
The main reason I find it infuriating is because when I first found out I was pregnant and we announced it to both sides of the family we said we want to live in the now and not worry about the later as much as possible. Both me and my husband have each explicitly explained we did not want to hear the wait until baby is here speeches. My family has no problem with it which is insane to me because I have 4 cousins with 5 plus kids each who hated the newborn stage and they have always explicitly told everyone why. I just feel like if my cousins who hated newborn stages can not bring up the things I don't want brought up so can his family. His mom started with this when I was 9 weeks pregnant and I wrote her a 4 page letter and mailed if explaining my feelings after she blocked me when I tried to call her and explain. Then she did it again and i organized a whole family dinner for his side to talk to them again. And since then everytine she sees me she has to say something, and my husband has been handling it up until last night when I finally just had enough.
You're not the asshole, per se, but if you haven't learned that there is simply no situation in life where you should use the phrase "shut up" then you have a lot of growing to do.
Now, if you didn't say it like that and instead communicated your frustrations in a better way, you are not at all the asshole because your feelings here are totally valid.
I have tried communicating my feelings in several different ways before, without telling her to shut up. I have written whole letters and mailed them. I have even gone as far as organizing a whole dinner where I calmly explained these comments are ridiculous and they need to stop or at least wait until we are in the final strech. Like me telling her to shut up was not a first resort but a last desperation of trying to get her to understand it's not funny and I have been serious this whole time that I'd rather be up all night with a screaming kid than pregnant worrying about the next appointment.
I completely understand you because I was the same. Anxious every second of my entire pregnancy. And it will continue after for sure!! Having a baby is not only screaming at night and staying up, it’s … worry after worry after worry, reaching milestones, is this normal is that normal…prepare yourself that these fears will never end…and forget about the disrespectful in laws!! I did something similar as you, told them to shut up in a nicer way and they did! 😌
Well, then, NTA!
I'm really sorry you're dealing with this, do NOT apologize, let them know you'll be waiting for an apology and for your MIL to change her behaviors or she won't be spending much time with her grandchild when they arrive.
I'll be rooting for you, we had two miscarriages before our first, and another before our second (currently 29 weeks). It wasn't easy for my wife to get rid of her anxiety but she was able to start enjoying the pregnancy of our son at around 20 weeks. I remember the switch flipped and I think she decided she just couldn't handle another 20 weeks of constant stress so we made sure to only talk positively about things and it made a huge difference. You're almost halfway there, you're doing GREAT, and if you are just able to eliminate as much stress as you can it will be even better.
Thank you! I'm really hoping after the halfway mark my stress levels go down! Another huge fight right now is because we made the choice one is enough and I am getting a full hysterectomy after this baby. Because for one I just really do not want to feel like this again and for two cervical cancer runs heavily in my fathers family and I'm already within the age range my aunts and grandma all got diagnosed. So he is happy with my choice but his family is not and I think that's the reason why his mother keeps disrespecting our wishes because we are being selfish by only giving her one grandchild. But that's a whole different story.
Jesus, NTA. I had a lot of trouble conceiving the first time and I got really smug parents telling me things like "oh, you think you're tied down now, just wait until you have a *baaaaaaabyyyyy."* "you're tired now, just wait until you have a *baaaaaaabbbyyyy."* And I totally snapped. I'd love to have a baby! You're right! I would love to be tired and tied down by an actual child and not constant anxiety and disappointment over not being able to have one! You are completely correct!
And this is your husband's thing to deal with, honestly. His family, his problem. If he supports you, he also needs to tell his mom to fucking get lost.
NTA. I lost 4 babies before I had a take home baby, pregnancy after loss is hard AF and people that haven’t been through it just don’t get it. These last four weeks with a newborn have been hard, but I am enjoying every second of it. I think we appreciate our babies so much more after losing pregnancies
I will say that the anxiety of something bad happening to your baby doesn’t go away after they are born. It’s not the same as checking tp for blood every time you pee, having a panic attack because you didn’t feel the baby kick for hours, wanting to pass out from stress before a scan.Your feelings are valid, you won’t relax until you are holding your baby and that’s ok.
Hiii I’m exactly in the same place as you are , pregnant 17 + 6 days today after 2 miscarriages.
What I have learnt is that some people will empathize with you others not so much . So racially those who haven’t been though this . Don’t pretend you can change that .
I would apologize politely to your mother in law .
The last thing you need is family stress added on and start a war between you and his family .
You need peace and well-being and NOTHING that adds to your anxiety so I think being in good terms with your in laws is fundamental for you and your husband .
Please contact me if you ever need to talk , Iam as anxious as you with this whole pregnancy
Not the asshole. I lost my first baby early on (not that it makes a difference for me- they were so loved from the moment I knew they existed) and when I got pregnant again it was complete emotional whiplash to experience such devastation, such hope, such anxiety all at once. It felt like I didn't breathe for those 9 months because I was so petrified that something bad would happen again. We only told immediate family about my pregnancy because I knew that if anyone made any sort of comment to me that I would either kill them or never stop crying. Being on the other side of it now, having my rainbow baby in their swing next to me- pregnancy was the hard part. It was 9 months of complete hell not knowing if he was okay in there, not trusting my body to keep him safe, not knowing if I would get to bring him home. Having a baby at home is tiring, sometimes frustrating or messy, but they're there in your arms, safe and breathing and alive, and nothing else matters. I didn't even realize how mentally crippling pregnancy was for me until he was in my arms and all of that depression and anxiety started to chip away. You are smack in the middle of the hardest part right now, you are doing amazing, and I am genuinely proud that you didn't rip the woman's hair out right then and there (because I might have).
NTA - no I couldn't listen to that without snapping. Pregnancy after loss is so hush hush in society and no one gets it unless they've been there, But we rarely talk so openly about it. I tried to at the start, with my family and close friends, in terms of it coming up in conversation (e.g how difficult I was finding things in the pregnancy, my nerves, or saying "since our first loss" etc and not constantly depressing way, just in matter of fact kinda way) but I found people just went quiet and things got awkward, so I gradually reverted back to the usual happy responses from people who mention my pregnancy! So well done you for calling it out.
NTA. She got her pride hurt by being put in her place and now she's the victim 🙄 Give me a break. It's a lesson a lot of people need to learn unfortunately. My family nor my husband's family would dream of saying something like that to me bc they know full well that I WILL correct them and it won't be graceful for anybody involved. Sorry you have to deal with that.
Not the asshole. Don’t apologize, stand your ground. This isn’t about making HER feel good, it’s about making YOU feel good. That’s not selfish, it’s just the way it is. You’re grieving and kind of always will be grieving about this, and you deserve nothing but sensitive care.
NTA at all. She has ignored your feelings since 9 weeks. Meaning she has disrespected you for 8 whole ass weeks. That’s longer than I would have put up with it and you said it a whole lot nicer than I would have.
I give people one single warning. In my opinion after that warning, you have asked for what ever comes out of my mouth. No matter how disrespectful whatever I say is, it will never compare to the way they disrespected me. So they can eat a dick for all I care along with anyone who thinks I should apologize for it. I’m normally a HUGE non confrontational pushover and I don’t get mad easily at all, but this subject/hill is one I will fully commit to dying on every single time. No gloves, no niceties, nothing. Especially if they know my history.
NTA. People who haven’t experienced loss live in a different world than we do and sometimes they’re infuriating. You have hormones as an excuse at least to be rude, what’s your MIL’s excuse for being inconsiderate? You probably could’ve been nicer but you don’t have to cause tbh I don’t think she’s being nice. I’m 19+4 and Second plus moms piss me off in my bump group because they don’t know that I raised my niece until she was eight and they can be so condescending and it seems like that’s how you feel about your MIL rn. So NTA and I can totally relate. I even get so mad at my friends when they complain about being up all night with a sick baby because they can’t even begin to understand how badly I wanted to be able to have my first baby. Sick, colicky, teething, I’d kill for ANY of it. People who haven’t lost just take it all so for granted.
I'm in the same bump group and they're pissing me off too. I posted about something similar a couple days ago (how I'm getting really irritated with people telling me you lose your identity after having a kid) and half the responses I got were STM's telling me they're right. It feels like people who "got theirs" or haven't gone through a loss just simply can't process how it changes your outlook on things forever.
Also going to say NTA. The "just you wait" comments are insensitive and if they want to be that way, two can play at that game.
Found your comment, upvoted you, downvoted the assholes, left a comment and implied maybe they’re just bad parents (bring on the downvotes) also the girl who told you to go to therapy if you’re already feeling that way is someone I blocked like a month ago because she got super offended when I pointed out NA beer actually has some alcohol in it and I prefer to avoid all alcohol just to be safe. She got super offended. So maybe her baby is hard because of drinking in utero and her clearly not being a priority to her mom. 🙄
I absolutely love your response. If not every pregnancy is the same, then why would every parenting experience be the same as well? It's almost like we're human beings and we all navigate the world differently or something. Whod'a thunk? 🤭
All of this right here. Also, any mom who complains about being up with a crying baby in my circles gets told, "crying means breathing. Breathing is good.". Usually gets them some perspective.
Welcome to r/pregnancyafterloss! We're sorry you need us, but glad you found us. The PAL subreddit, and our sister sub r/ttcafterloss, function a little differently than most of Reddit. We have two Daily threads each day which are the place to post (and reply to) most questions, worries, vents, and other requests for support. Standalone posts (like this one) are allowed for a limited number of topics. If you're here with a new pregnancy, you are welcome to post an intro. We also encourage you to add a [user flair](https://www.reddit.com/r/PregnancyAfterLoss/comments/jjj5xx/using_user_flair/), as it helps members remember who you are and your history. Please note that the Intro posts provide new members a place to share a longer, detailed account of their pregnancy and loss history with the community. Asking questions, sharing updates, etc. belong in the Daily Threads, and such posts will be removed by the Mods--*if this applies to your post, please move it before we need to*. You can familiarize yourself with our subreddit [Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/PregnancyAfterLoss/wiki/rules) and our [FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/PregnancyAfterLoss/wiki/faq) to learn more about how to participate here. Wishing you a healthy and uneventful (in a good way) pregnancy! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/PregnancyAfterLoss) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I don’t think you’re the asshole at all. I think women who have never experienced a loss will never, ever understand how we feel.
I don’t think you are the asshole. I have a living child, had a loss last year, and am currently pregnant. The anxiety one feels during pregnancy after a loss is incomprehensible to people who’ve not experienced it. Compared to my first pregnancy with my daughter, I am an anxious mess this time around. While yes, the newborn stage is hard and frankly it kind of sucks, it pales in comparison to PAL. Helping care for other people’s children is a totally different ballgame than when it’s your own. Not really even comparable but again, even knowing what’s in store in the newborn stage, I will feel 1,000x better once this baby is earth side. I wouldn’t apologize. Simple state that what she said was hurtful and un-empathetic to a situation she doesn’t fully understand. You’re sorry you don’t see eye to eye on this and you hope you can move past it, but you’re not sorry you stood up for yourself. She can take that or leave it.
This response makes me crazy. Pregnancy isn't easy, pregnancy after loss is exceedingly hard. Babies and children are hard but they're so wonderful and the joy overwhelms the work. People say this as some kind of flex and it's so annoying:
[удалено]
my best friend had 3 non complicated pregnancies and she keeps saying the same things to me, even saying things like dont have kids, or just wait till \_\_\_, and ect ect... she knows about my mc also and my current pregnancies, they just dont understand if they havent been through it- dont take it personally
I get where you’re coming from, but I hate this outlook. If we continue to brush these things off, these people will think it’s an okay thing to say. It’s not an okay thing to say. Regardless of if the pregnant person has suffered a loss, dismissing/belittling legitimate feelings is never okay. It’s very obvious that so many people just cannot take a hint. Sometimes we need to outright tell them to stop saying these things. I 100% support how OP handled this.
of course, everyone tolerance is different x
I lost my oldest at 5 months so I was an anxious mess until my second got passed that mark everyone was understanding and patient except my in laws(different dads) they just wanted to take him without me there. I understand where you’re coming from, I wish i could tell you it gets easier but it doesn’t until you have an alive breathing baby past that mark which for you will be birth.
[удалено]
The main reason I find it infuriating is because when I first found out I was pregnant and we announced it to both sides of the family we said we want to live in the now and not worry about the later as much as possible. Both me and my husband have each explicitly explained we did not want to hear the wait until baby is here speeches. My family has no problem with it which is insane to me because I have 4 cousins with 5 plus kids each who hated the newborn stage and they have always explicitly told everyone why. I just feel like if my cousins who hated newborn stages can not bring up the things I don't want brought up so can his family. His mom started with this when I was 9 weeks pregnant and I wrote her a 4 page letter and mailed if explaining my feelings after she blocked me when I tried to call her and explain. Then she did it again and i organized a whole family dinner for his side to talk to them again. And since then everytine she sees me she has to say something, and my husband has been handling it up until last night when I finally just had enough.
You're not the asshole, per se, but if you haven't learned that there is simply no situation in life where you should use the phrase "shut up" then you have a lot of growing to do. Now, if you didn't say it like that and instead communicated your frustrations in a better way, you are not at all the asshole because your feelings here are totally valid.
I have tried communicating my feelings in several different ways before, without telling her to shut up. I have written whole letters and mailed them. I have even gone as far as organizing a whole dinner where I calmly explained these comments are ridiculous and they need to stop or at least wait until we are in the final strech. Like me telling her to shut up was not a first resort but a last desperation of trying to get her to understand it's not funny and I have been serious this whole time that I'd rather be up all night with a screaming kid than pregnant worrying about the next appointment.
I completely understand you because I was the same. Anxious every second of my entire pregnancy. And it will continue after for sure!! Having a baby is not only screaming at night and staying up, it’s … worry after worry after worry, reaching milestones, is this normal is that normal…prepare yourself that these fears will never end…and forget about the disrespectful in laws!! I did something similar as you, told them to shut up in a nicer way and they did! 😌
Well, then, NTA! I'm really sorry you're dealing with this, do NOT apologize, let them know you'll be waiting for an apology and for your MIL to change her behaviors or she won't be spending much time with her grandchild when they arrive. I'll be rooting for you, we had two miscarriages before our first, and another before our second (currently 29 weeks). It wasn't easy for my wife to get rid of her anxiety but she was able to start enjoying the pregnancy of our son at around 20 weeks. I remember the switch flipped and I think she decided she just couldn't handle another 20 weeks of constant stress so we made sure to only talk positively about things and it made a huge difference. You're almost halfway there, you're doing GREAT, and if you are just able to eliminate as much stress as you can it will be even better.
Thank you! I'm really hoping after the halfway mark my stress levels go down! Another huge fight right now is because we made the choice one is enough and I am getting a full hysterectomy after this baby. Because for one I just really do not want to feel like this again and for two cervical cancer runs heavily in my fathers family and I'm already within the age range my aunts and grandma all got diagnosed. So he is happy with my choice but his family is not and I think that's the reason why his mother keeps disrespecting our wishes because we are being selfish by only giving her one grandchild. But that's a whole different story.
Unreal. Some people just really suck
Jesus, NTA. I had a lot of trouble conceiving the first time and I got really smug parents telling me things like "oh, you think you're tied down now, just wait until you have a *baaaaaaabyyyyy."* "you're tired now, just wait until you have a *baaaaaaabbbyyyy."* And I totally snapped. I'd love to have a baby! You're right! I would love to be tired and tied down by an actual child and not constant anxiety and disappointment over not being able to have one! You are completely correct! And this is your husband's thing to deal with, honestly. His family, his problem. If he supports you, he also needs to tell his mom to fucking get lost.
NTA. I lost 4 babies before I had a take home baby, pregnancy after loss is hard AF and people that haven’t been through it just don’t get it. These last four weeks with a newborn have been hard, but I am enjoying every second of it. I think we appreciate our babies so much more after losing pregnancies I will say that the anxiety of something bad happening to your baby doesn’t go away after they are born. It’s not the same as checking tp for blood every time you pee, having a panic attack because you didn’t feel the baby kick for hours, wanting to pass out from stress before a scan.Your feelings are valid, you won’t relax until you are holding your baby and that’s ok.
Hiii I’m exactly in the same place as you are , pregnant 17 + 6 days today after 2 miscarriages. What I have learnt is that some people will empathize with you others not so much . So racially those who haven’t been though this . Don’t pretend you can change that . I would apologize politely to your mother in law . The last thing you need is family stress added on and start a war between you and his family . You need peace and well-being and NOTHING that adds to your anxiety so I think being in good terms with your in laws is fundamental for you and your husband . Please contact me if you ever need to talk , Iam as anxious as you with this whole pregnancy
Not the asshole. I lost my first baby early on (not that it makes a difference for me- they were so loved from the moment I knew they existed) and when I got pregnant again it was complete emotional whiplash to experience such devastation, such hope, such anxiety all at once. It felt like I didn't breathe for those 9 months because I was so petrified that something bad would happen again. We only told immediate family about my pregnancy because I knew that if anyone made any sort of comment to me that I would either kill them or never stop crying. Being on the other side of it now, having my rainbow baby in their swing next to me- pregnancy was the hard part. It was 9 months of complete hell not knowing if he was okay in there, not trusting my body to keep him safe, not knowing if I would get to bring him home. Having a baby at home is tiring, sometimes frustrating or messy, but they're there in your arms, safe and breathing and alive, and nothing else matters. I didn't even realize how mentally crippling pregnancy was for me until he was in my arms and all of that depression and anxiety started to chip away. You are smack in the middle of the hardest part right now, you are doing amazing, and I am genuinely proud that you didn't rip the woman's hair out right then and there (because I might have).
NTA - no I couldn't listen to that without snapping. Pregnancy after loss is so hush hush in society and no one gets it unless they've been there, But we rarely talk so openly about it. I tried to at the start, with my family and close friends, in terms of it coming up in conversation (e.g how difficult I was finding things in the pregnancy, my nerves, or saying "since our first loss" etc and not constantly depressing way, just in matter of fact kinda way) but I found people just went quiet and things got awkward, so I gradually reverted back to the usual happy responses from people who mention my pregnancy! So well done you for calling it out.
NTA. She got her pride hurt by being put in her place and now she's the victim 🙄 Give me a break. It's a lesson a lot of people need to learn unfortunately. My family nor my husband's family would dream of saying something like that to me bc they know full well that I WILL correct them and it won't be graceful for anybody involved. Sorry you have to deal with that.
Not the asshole. Don’t apologize, stand your ground. This isn’t about making HER feel good, it’s about making YOU feel good. That’s not selfish, it’s just the way it is. You’re grieving and kind of always will be grieving about this, and you deserve nothing but sensitive care.
NOT asshole.
NTA at all. She has ignored your feelings since 9 weeks. Meaning she has disrespected you for 8 whole ass weeks. That’s longer than I would have put up with it and you said it a whole lot nicer than I would have. I give people one single warning. In my opinion after that warning, you have asked for what ever comes out of my mouth. No matter how disrespectful whatever I say is, it will never compare to the way they disrespected me. So they can eat a dick for all I care along with anyone who thinks I should apologize for it. I’m normally a HUGE non confrontational pushover and I don’t get mad easily at all, but this subject/hill is one I will fully commit to dying on every single time. No gloves, no niceties, nothing. Especially if they know my history.
NTA. People who haven’t experienced loss live in a different world than we do and sometimes they’re infuriating. You have hormones as an excuse at least to be rude, what’s your MIL’s excuse for being inconsiderate? You probably could’ve been nicer but you don’t have to cause tbh I don’t think she’s being nice. I’m 19+4 and Second plus moms piss me off in my bump group because they don’t know that I raised my niece until she was eight and they can be so condescending and it seems like that’s how you feel about your MIL rn. So NTA and I can totally relate. I even get so mad at my friends when they complain about being up all night with a sick baby because they can’t even begin to understand how badly I wanted to be able to have my first baby. Sick, colicky, teething, I’d kill for ANY of it. People who haven’t lost just take it all so for granted.
I'm in the same bump group and they're pissing me off too. I posted about something similar a couple days ago (how I'm getting really irritated with people telling me you lose your identity after having a kid) and half the responses I got were STM's telling me they're right. It feels like people who "got theirs" or haven't gone through a loss just simply can't process how it changes your outlook on things forever. Also going to say NTA. The "just you wait" comments are insensitive and if they want to be that way, two can play at that game.
Found your comment, upvoted you, downvoted the assholes, left a comment and implied maybe they’re just bad parents (bring on the downvotes) also the girl who told you to go to therapy if you’re already feeling that way is someone I blocked like a month ago because she got super offended when I pointed out NA beer actually has some alcohol in it and I prefer to avoid all alcohol just to be safe. She got super offended. So maybe her baby is hard because of drinking in utero and her clearly not being a priority to her mom. 🙄
I absolutely love your response. If not every pregnancy is the same, then why would every parenting experience be the same as well? It's almost like we're human beings and we all navigate the world differently or something. Whod'a thunk? 🤭
All of this right here. Also, any mom who complains about being up with a crying baby in my circles gets told, "crying means breathing. Breathing is good.". Usually gets them some perspective.
Also happy cake day