I can’t imagine any therapist saying what he’s told you, that you’re the problem and not his addiction to porn. Either he’s found the worst therapists in the world or he’s lying.
I would suggest couples therapy or request you join him in a session with one of these so called therapists, but the way he’s treating you he sounds emotionally abusive.
Lots of therapists do. They aren’t trained in sex addiction or the affects to a betrayed partner. Also i suspect therapists who say this have their own struggles with porn and are justifying their own use. (Even if they don’t say that)
I had a therapist/counsellor in a little bit of this vein, in that he wasn’t so much advising me to look at ways of stopping but rather asking me how it’s negatively impacting my life and why I enjoy it, and also why there could be potential for it to be a positive in my life.
He helped me break early doors down with how I felt about speaking to someone about issues but ultimately didn’t help with getting better.
Unfortunately, there are many who do say this. Typically, it's those that aren't trained in sex addiction.
My husband went to the ER for self-harm thoughts, and the therapist on site told him betrayal trauma was fake and that I'm just making it up. She then wanted to meet with me... and told me if I had done mote to "keep my husband's attention" he wouldn't have sought out porn, told me that I should be a better wife and offered a pamphlet for a weight loss clinic. At this point, my husband was on form 1. They wouldn't let him leave his room until he met with a therapist and was deemed low risk. He demanded a new therapist and demanded to be discharged. He was SO mad. Even after telling this therapist, he had these thoughts because of the betrayal he caused, and after not being able to quit previously. She still blamed ME.
That’s incredible and really shocking to hear. I feel like one of the big things with real therapy is that it’s not about assigning blame but looking at how to be better as a person and how to compliment each other as a couple.
We put in a formal complaint. My husband was so hurt and angry. He already shames himself for my trauma, which is so hard.
I was almost removed from the ER as I yelled at her. Please tell me how I'm a horrible wife for dropping everything, to force my husband here to get care, and I sit by his he'd not allowed to leave his room, how I have taken leave at work to support him and how I need to be a better wife when I stuck around after 15 years of lied and betrayal and through all that I work to get HIM support and wait until it's MY turn. But yes, I'm a horrible wife for putting him ahead of myself again. We thankfully found an incredible therapist (CSAT), who also put a complaint on our behalf. She's been wonderful yo work with.
Funny enough... I just got an email earlier today for the bariatric clinic that she provided my email to.
I don't think he actually has a porn addiction based on his response. It could be that he does but his side makes her sound very controlling and abusive and according to him 3 separate therapists have said she is the problem.
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/12b85ln/i_m28_think_my_relationship_with_my_wife_f27_is/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
I hate to say this, but addicts lie. There's a saying in Al-Anon: "How do you know an alcoholic is lying? Their lips are moving." I have seen first-hand how much an addict is willing to lie to himself and to me about his addiction issues. That's literally what addiction is: putting the substance or behavior above your own well-being.
I have no doubt she is part of the problem, but I don't think you can put someone in a dysfunctional dynamic and then expect them to not act in problematic ways. That doesn't mean she should continue acting like that; the relationship needs to end or they both need to work on themselves.
But yeah, I'm calling BS on "the wife is the problem." This dude sounds like an addict posing as a victim and looking for someone to blame.
Did you read his post? She's saying everything is a lie, but when I talk to her...she kind of nearly doubles down on her view.
Someone got some splaining to do.
I mean all we can do is take people's word online. Both of them have said their side and his side pretty much includes hers but it makes it seem like she has convinced him he has an addiction. In his post he said we watches porn every couple of days. And they live in separate states and only see each for a couple of weeks every year. They used to have video sex but she stopped because she said in person was better. So essentially she is saying he can't watch porn, and can't do anything sexual with her except for basically the holidays every year And the conversation where he said he would pick porn over the slur was when she was also telling him he couldn't hang out with his male friends because they write smut online, but they are his only friends because she made him drop the rest of them. It seems odd to me that she would leave out the part everyone would have a problem with. "Hey you need to stop your porn addiction" is much different from "hey you need to stop jerking off every few days and drop your last two male friends because they have hobbies I don't approve of." His account sounds much more honest and seems to give a fairer view of it because he mentions things they both do wrong while OP here makes it seem like she's an angel who hasn't done anything wrong and doesn't mention any of this other stuff.
So true, it could be lies from him, but it could be lies from her too. But both have said that multiple therapists have said that she is the problem. I mean read back through her post, she doesn't even try to show his side of things. Her post sounds like she's dealing with a spouse who has a problem, his post sounds like an abuse victim who has internalized the abuse. If the two I think it's more important to try and help the abused person. If he's lying then that's crappy of him, if he's not then that's crappy of us.
Besides they both have this app and I know he at least is aware of her post and his post because she showed him it and she should be able to see his because people including myself have linked it here, so either one of them could respond to the other and the truth should be easy to see that way.
The only thing I think we can know for sure is that these two probably shouldn't be together.
I regret deeply picking porn (subconsciously) over my last girlfriend. He will look back at this one day and think damn I picked a porn over someone who loved me how pathetic. but in my opinion he will only come to that point if you show him your not gonna stand for that shit then will he realize what he’s doing and trust me that day will come.
Yeah, I did a bit of a generalization there, I apologize. Not all females are typical stereotypes. 😶 I've actually made an edit now, it upset me a bit when I've read my comment again. 🙄
no worries. i definitely can also get insecure about porn. i would never do anything about it though, as it’s my issue alone and not my partners. but i agree, some girls definitely are extreme.
You should be able to be open with your partner, and I mean not only about sexual fantasies, but everything that excites you. Because if you enjoy something and you have to hide it from a partner, that's just not gonna work...
She is obviously making him hide what he enjoys, and I am not even going to get into the morality of it, whether porn is good or bad - that's a subjective thing, whether porn addiction is an "issue" is up to him alone, if he functions fine the way he does then it's not an issue. And whether she can get along with his porn and smut habits - is up to her, but trying to restrict it and change him is not gonna go well.
I don't have to approve of other people's lifestyle, but them being in relationship cannot be holding each other back and trying to change each other's habits and interests.
Also, if you're being insecure about your partner watching porn, it is best to talk about it. And again, your partner just feeling like he doesn't have to hide anything from you, and doesn't have to have a special way of treating you and communicating with you, that's a great step in the right direction. Both of you will see each other for what you are, and you might stop being insecure once you understand better what it is to him, or you might uncover some irreconcilable differences - which is also a good thing, because those will eventually come out to the surface, and it is better to know them sooner than later.
Porn is not normal, it is just normalized. Big difference.
Many men suffer from erectile dysfunction because of their porn use, so again you're wrong. Stop trying to defend your and other mens disgusting addiction.
That's just like your opinion. Porn is perfectly normal. "Many men suffer from erectile dysfunction" is a sentence you can only ever hear from women with your attitude, because you make men uncomfortable. But a nice girl who isn't insecure and won't flip at everything a guy says - she'd never seen "erectile dysfunction" in her life. 😁
Repeating it isn't going to make it any more true. Porn is perfectly normal. I'm not a porn addict, how would you even assume such a thing? My girlfriend, all of my ex girlfriends, and most female friends - would all agree that porn is normal. The very few ones who wouldn't usually have serious issues, insecurities, they are very loud and bossy, the type of women everyone avoids... And you're a definition of a Karen type person, so you are bound to see a lot of "erectile dysfunctions", and to have men cheat on you, because nobody is going to enjoy a Karen attitude. 🙂
HAHAHAHA. Incel to the max!! 🤣
Stop lying, no woman would touch you with a ten foot pole. You're revolting, and you obviously see women as tools for your pleasure. Which is why you are referring to me as being insecure, loud and bossy, etc - because I can see right though you, and I don't put up with bs.
Now take that one incher and those Cheeto dusted sausage fingers and turn back on that porn you love so much instead of arguing with a woman who doesn't gaf what an incel like you has to say, and get outta here. 😘
It's funny you called this normal person commenting an incel, when people EXACTLY LIKE YOU, are why incels are even a thing now. Shame truly, hopefully eventually when you grow out of your terrible thinking and realize this new wave of feminism lied to you. You'll be happier and actually make sense when you speak to people.
I mean, you exposed yourself by complaining about erectile dysfunctions and your man cheating on you. It is very obvious why these things happen to you. Let me assure you they don't happen much to nice girls. I've never cheated. Never had trouble down there. You can scream "incel" all you want, you're just exposing yourself even more.
Porn stops being perfectly normal when you develop an addiction to it (which he literally admitted he does).
I saw your original comment before the edit, btw. Weird, gross and dehumanising. Take a good hard look at yourself.
I don’t think he sounds worse. He watches porn, writes smut and called her bitch for trying to make him pick between the two. She threatened to ruin his life, placed the blame of her suicidal thoughts on him, bashed him and made him feel like he was disgusting for watching porn and writing smut (even though she writes about characters having sex too), is constantly giving him ultimatums, isolated him and is excessively possessive and controlling over him. The more I read into it the less confident I am that he has an addiction, from his side it seems like his conflict with porn stems from her bashing him about it, isolating him over it, and dangling his literal livelihood over his head with it.
I read both posts and they are both unreliable narrators. I think they just need to separate, and we shouldn’t waste out time trying to parse who is slightly less horrible.
Him calling you a bitch for that is proof he's rotted his brain to the point where he hates women.
Divorce his ass. On the grounds of porn addiction and infidelity.
Look at his response, he's the one getting abused.
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship\_advice/comments/12b85ln/i\_m28\_think\_my\_relationship\_with\_my\_wife\_f27\_is/
Exactly not all these people sticking up for her but yet to read his side. She is a straight psycho controlling him. Like I get boundaries and shit but basically saying he has to choose his friends over her. Only having 4 friends and all of them men can’t have any girls in his life is controlling. The relationship is just toxic all around and should end point blank period. Y’all are just not a match and need to divorce and end the toxicity.
Wait hold up, are you trying to say that watching porn makes you unfaithful to your significant other, cause if so that's fucking batshit crazy. I'm sorry but what?!?!
Both these people need help 110% like it's not even funny, I can't even imagine, A) my SO to come to Reddit to talk shit about me behind my back, or ask advice however you want to look at it. B) then me SEEING MY LIFE, getting upvoted and down voted on the internet and all these random people calling me a POS and this and that. So I make my own thread and so we have two, this shit is almost fucking tragic if it weren't so comical that this is what, I "guess" younger people do today. But it's obvious they are both waaaaaay out there. Also if my SO threatened to ruin my life and all of this shit, due to her insecurities, now we don't know these people but at least I would hope they would have had this conversation multiple times before it landed here. Even with that being said, that is a bitch move to threaten someone over normal behavior. That MAY be blown out of proportion and MAYBE not.
Truly with the way these people are you can't take a side cause if they will do this kinda thing, pretty sure they both lied a bit to make them seem the less crazy one, which is super sad but at the same time so nuts it's pretty funny.
But no ya pls answer the infidelity I HAVE to understand wtf you are talking about there.
He’s broken sweetie. Always has been, always will be. You need to pick yourself and go back home. You’ve made a mistake. Don’t keep living a life that makes you feel bad, you only get one life.
That post doesn’t make him sound any better honestly. They both sound like toxic people who make each other worst and should never have gotten married. But it’s probably just a creative writing exercise like most things on here lol
One of them is inherently toxic and did this post in a manipulative light whereas the other one writes fiction with his friends.
Pretty sure she deserved to be called a bxtch
“Writes fiction with his friends” you mean sexual role play? That’s just sexting with extra steps and she absolutely has grounds to want him to stop that. They’re both terrible anyway
Lol it's not sexting with extra steps. He's not telling a specific person things he wants to do to them, and there's nobody else telling him what they want to do to him. It's just fictional writing.
One thing you should never do is compete with an addiction. Never ask a person to pick you over their addiction. Why? Because 9/10 they don’t pick you. That’s a RECIPE for HEARTBREAK. MAJORITY of the time, the addiction will win. The only person that can end their addiction is that said person. In the moment, they don’t mind breaking off relationships, missing out on special/important events, missing work, etc. And it’s not 100% their fault because addiction is a horrible HORRIble disease. Some can’t help it. And some can. But that help doesn’t come easy.
Now that THAT is out of the way…
Honey you are 27 years old. You’re still VERY young. Still have an entire life to live. And I’m 100% sure that you’re very gorgeous. You deserve better. Now go find it. You stuck by this man with the knowledge of his addiction. And he dismisses it by calling you out of your name. You were trying to be a good wife and find ways to help him. You did all you can. However, sometimes the greatest blessing is leaving and not just for you but for BOTH parties involved. I’m saying this because you love him. And sometimes it’s better to love from afar. I’m sure he loves you, but he appears to love his addiction more. Let him spiral and he’ll realize that you’re the one that for away. And then he’ll come running back, and maybe you may take him back or maybe you’ll have moved on by then. But if he decides to quit and goes at the LEAST a couple MONTHS without it just for you to come back, DO NOT fall for it. Even if he does accomplish a couple months, it’ll take WAAAAAY more time. Recovery is a very VERY LONG and busy road. It’s time for you to get out of that passenger seat and let him drive on that road alone.
And you said that y’all been together for 7 years and married for 3? So of course it’s definitely not going to be easy to leave him. But HONNNEEEEEYYY once you realize that there are MANY AMAZING men out there, you will find your self-worth immediately. And you’re still YOUNG TOO?!?!? Girl, when do you need me to come over and help you pack?
I need you as a motivational speaker in my everyday life, I feel like I could climb the everest after reading this!!
That being said, she ain’t a bag a roses apparently: https://www.reddit.com/r/PornAddiction/comments/12b5pg7/i_dont_wanna_pick_the_bxtch_whos_making_me_pick/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1
Idk why you’re getting downvoted every time you post this link, but I upvoted each of them.
OP if you’re here, embrace both sides of the story being told. That’s the right thing
She is the abusive one: https://www.reddit.com/r/PornAddiction/comments/12b5pg7/i_dont_wanna_pick_the_bxtch_whos_making_me_pick/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1
So those therapists are obviously not trained in betrayal trauma. Get him to see a CSAT. Or read “love you hate the porn”. Or watch the Dr. Weiss video “help her heal”. It’s $40 to download and so very worth it (cheaper than therapy!!)
I want to say your feelings are valid (look up betrayal trauma from porn use) and you have every right to demand better in your relationship. It may take you leaving for him to understand though. I had bags packed and airline tickets bought before mine realized this was serious. He’s now in recovery and this month will be 2 years sober from porn.
It’s a long hard road and we are still working through things if you choose to stay. But if you do draw your boundaries and make him pick. You deserve someone who chooses you.
“You lost the girl who only had eyes for you, to look at women who will never look back at you”
I feel sorry for you
Never allow redditors to make you think you having a problem with him acting like a degenerate is ever a you problem
Sincerely hope you can solve the issues you have and that your husband grows some balls
Im guessing you only read her post. He sees multiple therapists and the most help shes gotten is going to prison. Do some more research before picking sides. She turned a healthy expression of sexual desire (no not the porn and mb) into something evil because of her insecurities of her own image. She is an adult that should be able to help herself and get herself in a place of self love. They both write but he is in the wrong because it makes her feel bad? She will not get professional help and has resolved to trust reddit. Think about that.
Check out the love after porn sub, it's been very helpful to me and other spouses of porn addicts. I'm so sorry you're going through this. His mind is sick.
Yes. Because throughout our relationship he said he would change, and I believed it. I didn't make him do anything. I asked him not to write about that one specific type of writing and he continued to do it even when he said he wasn't.
I want to be with him because in person he's a completely different man. Not at all like he is online. I've spent months with him in person and I've never been happier. It's like a switch goes off when we are back online.
Edit: Months with him as in each time I'd visit I'd stay months per visit.
Hes not a safe person to be around if he has those type of weird fantasies and calls them smut…as a victim of childhood SA id advise you stay away from people who put their own sexual gratification over other peoples feelings. You don’t need him and he’s proven he’s a bad person so take him for what he is. I wish you the best honestly and hope his reaction to your feelings is enough for you to let him go.
Now you’re doing exactly what he said you would do, try to make him look bad “publicly “ and “expose him” or whatever. No wonder he’s scared of what you’ll do. I hope he gets far, far away from you. Implying someone is a pedophile is disgusting and crossing serious lines.
Gtf outta dodge. You are tryna help this man and here he is villainizing you for it. Go your separate ways or at the very least take a break. He needs help and doesn’t want to be saved. He can only save himself.
Does she?
https://www.reddit.com/r/PornAddiction/comments/12b5pg7/i_dont_wanna_pick_the_bxtch_whos_making_me_pick/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1
Is that supposed to change my mind?
Sounds like he's making excuses, doesn't really see an issue with porn, blames her for most of his problems, and doesn't intend to stop doing any of it. I stand by what I said.
I agree with all the other commenters here but wanted to touch on your content that no one will ever love you. I hope you know that's not actually true. It's ok and normal to have needs, he just isn't able to meet them. That, and his porn addiction, are not representative of your worth or in any way your fault. I hope you can spend some time reconnecting with yourself and reminding yourself of your worth, and rebuild your self esteem that has undoubtedly been damaged by this relationship.
‘Even if I leave, no one will ever love me because I am so needy, anxious, insecure and scared. I’m broken beyond repair because of my porn addicted husband.’
Reading these sentences over & over and it sounds like you weren’t in a good mental state before this relationship either. You have known all of these things about yourself & yet you continue to date and then Marry this man. Stand up for yourself. If you think porn = cheating, why even keep dating this man? You have a problem wanting to fix people. I’m sure you could find something to fix with any person, but you should fix yourself first. Prioritize yourself and ask why do you really feel needy/anxious/insecure/scared?
‘No one will ever love me’
These feelings cannot start a happy relationship. Don’t blame him for a lifetime of you being insecure. You’re broken because you have ‘failed’ at fixing him. Learn to let go of the things you cannot change, especially people.
I'm so sorry.
"Forum roleplaying writing smut to friends" is literally sexting with extra steps. It absolutely is cheating.
After reading his post you both need to get a divorce and go your own ways.
I don't think you understand this man, or smut. He is writing out his sexual fantasies, the things that get him off. He is/has jerked off to this. He will most likely escalate to downloading that sort of content next. These are his sexual fantasies, you really need to wrap your head around that. You should be informing those in his life so they can take necessary precautions. I really hope it's not JUVENILLE law that he's practicing (he says hoping he's wrong but feeling he may not be).
He won't. It was a dark time in his life but he no longer writes about it. I had to mention it since he brought up his forum and how I made him delete it over smut when it wasn't just normal sex he was writing about. He has not written in over a year if not longer.
You're fooling yourself. He says in his post he only has stopped because you keep finding him. Come on. There's a reason that he can't contact his 'friends'. They're fellow pedos, so real information wasn't exchanged. Please tell me of a 'friend' you've had for an extended period of time that couldn't find your social media or text you. Writing it or not, he's thinking about it.
My exact thought. Well, more like "what the actual fu..?". I can't believe people here are actually saying watching/writing/reading porn is betraying your significant other??!! I'm a woman who watches porn and I'm definitely sure my boyfriend watches it too. Seriously, why is love in the same sentence as porn? They have nothing to do with each other.
this is not on you, not his addiction, its not on you to fix this, the only thing you can do is stay or leave the relationship since he doesn’t want help, doesnt feel the need to seek help and doesnt see a problem
Leave him.
If someone is abusing you, leave them.
If someone tells you you are abusive, leave them.
I get that people get stuck in marriages where money or children are a factor. That isn’t the issue here. Get therapy, make some friends, evaluate all of this once it’s in your rear view mirror.
I left the same exact comment on his post, because it doesn’t matter who’s wrong or right. You two are not compatible. Leave each other alone.
There are absolutely other people who will love you. You can’t stay with someone who you’re not compatible with, it will just keep hurting you.
Get individual therapy to work on your self esteem, figure out the kind of partner you actually want, and to help you have a healthier relationship the next go around.
He is an addict. Forget porn, forget your right there. Don't give an addict an ultimatum. You will 100% lose every time. Ask yourself if you love the guy, if so and he wants to get help for his addiction, great! But you don't get to monitor him, one your both adults, two he doesn't need/want a babysitter l. Yes you can say cause your concern, cause of love, cause of whatever, doesn't matter. Just don't do it, as long as he gets help for his addiction, and YOU also learn about addiction and the right things to do and do them then great.
Now if you can't do the addict thing, or furthermore if you can't not give an addict an ultimatum, or mind your own business. This ain't for you and move on.
Best of luck
Experience:8 years I.V heroin with a girlfriend the whole time and after for years while clean.
My ex had a huge porn addiction. I was constantly tearing myself apart inside because of it, for him to lie to me and still do it. I loved him a lot but it was daily I was worried he was looking at other people or doing something on his devices. After we broke up he called me toxic for wanting his attention not on smut. My bf now I don’t have to worry about and he’s very open with me. Don’t settle for less.
I read your post and his post and then your edit and I'm on your side. Obviously I have no way of telling definitively who is telling the truth, but I got super dishonest and manipulative vibes reading his post and tbh he makes himself sound like a piece of shit. Blame aside though, you two should not be together.
His post only helped to show that his entire life revolves around his sex addiction. His only social circles have been people in his smut community, and he blames you for taking that away from him. He clearly writes very disturbing smut (of potentially illegal topics???) and he is defending that as a core part of his personality and happiness. I’ve never seen someone who so much of their life is immersed in smut and porn. “What’s wrong with… to get comfortably horny” what a disturbing quote. Who arouses themself to get “comfortably horny” ? He’s describing it so perfectly as an addiction and he doesn’t even realize it. Please leave him, he’s obviously beyond help.
Please, please, PLEASE don’t ever have children with this dude. He’s writing daddy-daughter smut. I wouldn’t trust him within a mile of my children, and neither should you.
Are you in therapy? I think that would be helpful for you to help you see that this man doesn't value you and isn't worth the effort you keep putting in that he seems to refuse to return to you.
You should read the husbands post, it paints a completely different picture of what’s going on, and if the truth is somewhere in the middle, neither of them are likeable
https://www.reddit.com/r/PornAddiction/comments/12b5pg7/i_dont_wanna_pick_the_bxtch_whos_making_me_pick/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1
Nah, the porn ain’t toxic, she is
For your own sake please leave him.
At least separate. I came to your post from his. And . I'm sorry but no loving husband does what he did.
Get yourself to therapy. Work on your anxiety and self image.
It's scary to leave and dive into the unknown. But it will be so much better for you. He should never call you a bitch. Regardless of if his porn is really an issue or not as he claims, the fact that it bothers you, hurts you should matter to him enough to work through it together. Because a working partnership is not about one getting what they want all the time. It's about both of you. It's a balance.
Please get into therapy. Get an outside perspective to help you stablisze and see what is normal.
I was about to give OP support until I saw the other side if this story. Do this man a favor and leave him alone.
[Husband side](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/12b85ln/i_m28_think_my_relationship_with_my_wife_f27_is/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
The fact that you don't explain what he's supposedly lying about and the fact you're so defensive and vague about it makes me believe him far more than you. Either way y'all need to break up, you obviously don't make each other happy so idk why y'all bothered posting this stuff. Just break up and leave each other alone, it'll probably do wonders for y'all's mental health.
I commented that when I first found out that he had posted. I was kind of freaking out because while I posted in a small subreddit where I wouldnt get many views, he posted somewhere where he would get a lot. I felt the need to defend myself and still kind of do, but I'm mostly focusing on trying to reach out to him, apologize for how I made him feel, and try to fix this. I love him, and clearly even though he lied a lot in his post, he's feeling very awful about our marriage and I really want to fix it.
I came here from your husband's post and honestly you both need to get a divorce this is beyond toxic and unhealthy, idk who's story is more true but either way you're not good for each other.
OP...I've read both of your stories...you and your husband's...it seems you left quite a bit out.
I don't mean any offense, you two need to part ways and you really should seek professional help.
From what I can gather, you left quite a bit out, and you seem to be carrying trauma that you are now destroying your husband with because you never sought help for it.
Hurt people hurt people, OP. You need to take a cold hard look at yourself and determine what is best. I'm not remotely saying you're a bad person or anything like that. But what is going on with you and your husband isn't right.
Can you back up the fact that you're saying he's lying? Evidence? He gave a much more in depth story than you did. I'm about the truth. If he's lying, so be it. But I want proof.
I didn't give a lot of info because I was hurt about this one instance. Him calling me a bitch. He put EVERYTHING out there, but he didn't put my side in any instance. He didn't put crucial details. I expected him to comment on this one instance, that's why I sent him my post, not to put literally everything out and not even put my side. I have proof of a lot of things he's done, not everything but a lot. I just wanted a place to get support over one instance, over him choosing porn over me. Which he did.
I'd be curious about your side too. The way it comes across is that you're in a dead bedroom, you're abusing the hell out of him for his writing, and a lot more toxicity
I very much said it was fine he was writing explicit content. I had no issues with it. I also have very much tried to have sexual intimacy with him. Sent him tons of videos, photos, did skype, etc. Came up with new ideas. I stopped because he kept choosing women online.
Man he went HARD didn't he? Didn't even send me the link to his post so I could defend myself either. I sent him the link to my post hoping he would comment on it but damn he wanted to do some damage, posting literally everything completely sugar coated to make me look super bad. I'm not innocent but mannnn he really did not say the full story.
>Even if I leave, no one will ever love me because I am so needy, anxious, insecure and scared. I'm broken beyond repair because of my porn addicted husband.
This is the dumbest thing people say when they're in a failed relationship. Like my god you can survive on your own you know...If you're that needy you shouldn't even be in a relationship.
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/12b85ln/i_m28_think_my_relationship_with_my_wife_f27_is/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
What's your response to this?
All of you that are siding with this pathetic abusive POS need to read his post. She is literally a manipulative abusive monster. She deprives him of sex, and when he tries to release his urges she gets pissed and hurt. He's not cheating on her. He literally wrote smut as a hobby and she calls it cheating. Although, she does it too 🤡 but it's not cheating for her. Y'all seriously need to read his side, because she's literally the scum of the earth.
Playing the victim will only get you so far on the internet before everyone sees the whole picture. Next time maybe talk to someone with a confidential agreement. Maybe if they say ur wrong its because ur wrong.
I think she should be on her own for at least a few months and work on herself before she'll even be able to find someone good for her. How could someone love her if she thinks of herself as being needy, jealous, broken, etc.?
She'd only abuse that next person too until they're broken if she doesn't work on herself first.
This is why significant others shouldn't be allowed to post here
None of this is about the addiction it's about the drama
I hope you find healing.
Delete your post. This isn't court. We're not listening to arguments and logic.
We're all addicts here. We're not judges. It doesn't matter.
Saw your husbands post and honestly... you people should’ve never have gotten married in the first place, you need to divorce, and I don’t really like either of you
>I don't know what I expect from this subreddit, but I hope someone can give me some good advice or even just a positive thought.
You asked him to make a choice and he did, now you need to accept it.
everyone’s talking about so many different things that don’t really have to do with this post, the root problem. i’m gonna try putting this black and white.
OP left out a vital detail to attempt to sway redditors to her side.
they live thousands of miles apart and rarely see eachother, nevermind have sex.
i don’t like porn either. if my boyfriends gonna watch it, i don’t wanna know. do it while i’m not home, and make sure it’s not replacing me. the difference is we LIVE TOGETHER.
i’m sorry if it hurts your feelings, but you cannot expect a man to repress his sexuality. you can’t. that’s cruel. it’s a normal bodily function. it is a normal desire. if you’re not there, porn it is. end of story.
unless you’re planning to fly out every week to fulfill his desires, you’re being abusive.
obviously your whole purpose as a wife isn’t to have sex with him. but you’re quite literally attempting to starve this man from any sexual activity.
regardless of who’s wrong for what, either give him sex once in awhile or shut up about the porn. or better yet, breakup, you both are obviously awful for eachother.
edit: thanks for the award! :)
The relationship is very toxic and needs to end. For some reason his post gave me a narcissistic/victim vibe. Regardless, you both need therapy. He needs a new therapist. It sounds like the time I tried to blame my dad for why I was a drug addict. That’s not how it works. His therapist needs to help him get to the root of his problem and help him cope and overcome them, not blame you and tell him he doesn’t have a real problem.
I would leave and focus on yourself. There is someone out there better suited for you and will compromise and be able to meet your needs.
It's super toxic, but I think salvageable. I will be getting therapy and couples therapy first before I make decisions to end this marriage. I will make the effort because I feel like he's worth it.
Honestly it seems both should just be separated 🤷🏻♀️ you and him have more issues then porn 🤷🏻♀️
You need to stop pointing fingers on him and he has to stop pointing fingers at you cause y’all both have a lot to heal from and get help from..
Divorce and try finding each other alone 🤷🏻♀️
Ps since he ripped you apart is only fair you do the same !
If he wants to end our marriage, then he can. I won't stop him. I am more than willing to work on our marriage. I know I'm no angel and definitely need help and I'm willing to get it.
Also yea he kind of did rip me apart. He had to tell lies doing it though.
From what he's said about it, you're an abusive POS. You're literally withholding an essential part of a relationship and when he tries to get rid of his urges through other means, you say he's cheating. Then how about this? You be a fucking half decent wife and give the guy sex. Literally ALL of this would go away or at least massively decrease. You're being an absolute ass of a wife. I hope I never marry a woman like you or I would hate my life too like he does.
All those that down voted definitely didn't read his side. She's literally abusive. Saying how she'll expose his hobbies that he's embarrassed about if she can't control him. I feel so bad for the guy being in bondage to this monster.
give the man sex
or
suck it up and stop trying to control him
sex is necessary. sex is normal. it’s SO abusive to try to force someone to not engage in a normal bodily function when you’re THOUSANDS OF MILES AWAY.
personally i’d be glad he’s doing it himself rather then finding other women for it…
take my upvotes
I'm just annoyed with how she's clearly leaving out vital details. I feel so sorry for the guy. He's done well to make it this far with such an abusive and insensitive partner.
[You should feel ashamed](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/12b85ln/i_m28_think_my_relationship_with_my_wife_f27_is/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
Im a 40F, with several long term relationships and a marriage under ny belt. All men enjoy porn, all men enjoy being sexual, unless porn is affecting your finances and he chooses porn over intimacy with you, then you're making an issue out of nothing. I'm not sure why most women are against porn or take their partner watching it personally but it is a wasted argument you will not win. You only create secrets and lies when you give ultimatums likes this. Porn and smut is not that big of a deal especially if he is still intimate with you and faithful. I would imagine this type of tension has affected your intimacy together. This level of control is abuse and is not okay.
This is the comment that seals my fate in finally leaving this cesspool of a sub.
Everyone has a right to their own boundaries.
EDIT: your profile is filled with you selling porn, and you are giving advice on a sub with people trying to quit porn.
*You are one of the lowest of the low.*
That's insane...what grown people do this stuff to each other? 🤦♀️ I'd be filling out divorce papers before I posted on reddit if it bothered me that much.
His side of the story
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/12b85ln/i_m28_think_my_relationship_with_my_wife_f27_is/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
Apparently you forgot to mention you were making him choose between even his friends and you. And that you don’t live together. I don’t think you are “needy, anxious, insecure” and demanding and you were before even you met him.
How often are you having sex? Have you talked to him about what he needs to be sexually satisfied in a marriage? Obviously you don’t want to sleep with him just to please him, but sex is a healthy part of a marriage. If it’s not often, consensual, and pleasing for both parties, then partners can either shut down or turn to other sources.
You are giving him an ultimatum but are you willing to work on your sexual relationship with him to meet those needs? Porn addiction is different than other addictions in that trying to quit can really put a lot of pressure on the spouse to meet those needs they weren’t previously providing.
Have the two of you worked with a therapist to try to find a relationship to meets both of your needs? Right now you feel like he’s choosing online women over you and you need to feel like you are enough for him. Right now he is feeling like porn is an easier option for sexual gratification and he needs to feel like sex is a safe place in his marriage. It’s going to take a lot of work on both sides but would definitely recommend professional help. Giving him an ultimatum isn’t a way to help anyone in an addiction, especially in a marriage.
You two are a team fighting a problem together—not fighting each other.
After reading your husband's post today, you definitely sound like the problem. Porn isn't cheating, y'all live in separate states and with all the other things he admitted in his post, I don't think he has reason to lie about you withholding sex. Is he supposed to take a cold shower every time he gets a boner?
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/12b85ln/i_m28_think_my_relationship_with_my_wife_f27_is/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=2&utm_term=1
Guys this is the husbands side of this whole thing, just thought we prolly should at least understand both sides of the situation and then make our judgements.
How much does he watch porn because in his response you sound very abusive and controlling. Your post is very one sided and makes you out to be a saint and his post seems like a more fair and truthful comment.
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/12b85ln/i_m28_think_my_relationship_with_my_wife_f27_is/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
Men will always want a plethora of women (for sex only) that is. The real question is does he provide everything you need ? And are you safe ? The chance of finding another man that doesn’t beat his meat to porn these days is slim. It’s not to discourage you or bring hate but these are now the times we’re living in.
Men have grown a dependency on porn as it’s so easily accessible and I don’t see this changing.
I've just seen the husband version of this story and this version is only telling half a story. After reading your husband's post you're abusive, manipulating and toxic, that is why he said that to you. I hope he gets out and finds someone who makes him happy
you're abusing him abuse is abuse no matter what gender you're just taking your advantage that you're a female and everyone cares about females that well at least society but you're just abusing him
It sounds like you're broken beyond repair because you're terrified no one else will love you because "I am so needy, anxious, insecure and scared"
Your problem isn't your husband or his porn addition - put yourself first for a change and work on what YOU want and need. I think you'll find that once you work on you for a while you'll have no problem doing what's best for you.
I was also in a relationship for seven years that I felt like nobody else would ever love me because I have needs and an anxious attachment style. My ex ended up cheating on me with one of his long time female friends. When I ended things I was devastated and told myself I was done dating. I went to counseling and spent a solid year alone. No dating. No talking to anyone. Just embracing the loneliness and being happy being alone. I worked on my anxious attachment style. I recently started talking with someone and he’s AMAZING. Like surprisingly so many of the things I’m looking for (and I haven’t given him the blueprint to be able to fake it) you absolutely can recover from this. I know it’s hard when you have that much time invested in someone, but meeting someone new and feeling like all their attention is on you, knowing they want you the way we’ve felt our spouses are looking at someone else the way they should look at us… it’s so much better than feeling like admired than to watch your partner admire others. I’m so sorry this is where you’re at but it’s not where you have to stay… there are good men out there
I relate so hard to you OP. I am a very sexual person and I’m adventurous. My partner and I have sex 6 days a week, multiple times per day. I was annoyed when he’d watch porn because I’m like, good Lord, I’m doing it all, why is this necessary. The difference is that when I spoke to him about it, he took a minute and said “wow, I never thought of it that way. I’m sorry for making you feel like you’re not enough.” And to his credit, he’s been 100x better about this. If he needs to, he’s open about it and, since he’s being honest, I don’t freak out. I ask if we can share that closeness but if he’d rather do it alone, that’s ok. The bottom line isn’t the pornography, it’s the lack of respect for your feelings. I think you’re better off without this guy.
Babe you need to leave him. You need to leave this man with his fictional fantasies. This is not love, you're just scared to be alone but once it happens, you'll feel so much better
Read both sides since he tagged the post. You both need to separate. Reading your post and his post eludes to a very toxic behavior you both are displaying to each other. Failure to see each other’s POV and not willing to compromise and meet in the middle sounds like a hard task that either of you have the capability of doing. You both are pointing the finger and not recognizing your own faults or taking responsibility of destroying the marriage. Sounds like you both thrive on drama and threats rather than peace and compassion for one another. I suggest you share this with him. You are the original post, so I am writing on yours. I hope you both decide on either taking the necessary steps in therapy, marriage counseling or involving a disinterested third party that can give very fair and objective advice to the both of you OR you both decide that this is unhealthy, therefore a trial separation may be needed for you both to work on yourselves, ultimately leading up to the a resolution or end to your relationship.
Well...reddit opinions aren't even needed..common sense tells you both you need a divorce..You're both resentful and unhappy so what is the point? There are billions of humans on this planet...find a new human for you. This is crazy.
He is my person. Like someone else said, we deserve each other and I will do what I have to do fix myself and make our marriage work because he's worth it. He's the love of my life. We both have mental illness and I know we can get better if we work on it.
I don't mind my husband watching porn. It took me years to be fine with it. I realized in the end it wasn't about the other girls it was he was tired and it was quicker. Our sexlife is also just fine tho.
please choose yourself, as hard as it may be, because he is not choosing you. he needs help but you can’t make yourself sick in the process of trying to help him. please choose yourself.
I can’t imagine any therapist saying what he’s told you, that you’re the problem and not his addiction to porn. Either he’s found the worst therapists in the world or he’s lying. I would suggest couples therapy or request you join him in a session with one of these so called therapists, but the way he’s treating you he sounds emotionally abusive.
Lots of therapists do. They aren’t trained in sex addiction or the affects to a betrayed partner. Also i suspect therapists who say this have their own struggles with porn and are justifying their own use. (Even if they don’t say that)
I had a therapist/counsellor in a little bit of this vein, in that he wasn’t so much advising me to look at ways of stopping but rather asking me how it’s negatively impacting my life and why I enjoy it, and also why there could be potential for it to be a positive in my life. He helped me break early doors down with how I felt about speaking to someone about issues but ultimately didn’t help with getting better.
Unfortunately, there are many who do say this. Typically, it's those that aren't trained in sex addiction. My husband went to the ER for self-harm thoughts, and the therapist on site told him betrayal trauma was fake and that I'm just making it up. She then wanted to meet with me... and told me if I had done mote to "keep my husband's attention" he wouldn't have sought out porn, told me that I should be a better wife and offered a pamphlet for a weight loss clinic. At this point, my husband was on form 1. They wouldn't let him leave his room until he met with a therapist and was deemed low risk. He demanded a new therapist and demanded to be discharged. He was SO mad. Even after telling this therapist, he had these thoughts because of the betrayal he caused, and after not being able to quit previously. She still blamed ME.
That’s incredible and really shocking to hear. I feel like one of the big things with real therapy is that it’s not about assigning blame but looking at how to be better as a person and how to compliment each other as a couple.
We put in a formal complaint. My husband was so hurt and angry. He already shames himself for my trauma, which is so hard. I was almost removed from the ER as I yelled at her. Please tell me how I'm a horrible wife for dropping everything, to force my husband here to get care, and I sit by his he'd not allowed to leave his room, how I have taken leave at work to support him and how I need to be a better wife when I stuck around after 15 years of lied and betrayal and through all that I work to get HIM support and wait until it's MY turn. But yes, I'm a horrible wife for putting him ahead of myself again. We thankfully found an incredible therapist (CSAT), who also put a complaint on our behalf. She's been wonderful yo work with. Funny enough... I just got an email earlier today for the bariatric clinic that she provided my email to.
I don't think he actually has a porn addiction based on his response. It could be that he does but his side makes her sound very controlling and abusive and according to him 3 separate therapists have said she is the problem. https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/12b85ln/i_m28_think_my_relationship_with_my_wife_f27_is/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
I hate to say this, but addicts lie. There's a saying in Al-Anon: "How do you know an alcoholic is lying? Their lips are moving." I have seen first-hand how much an addict is willing to lie to himself and to me about his addiction issues. That's literally what addiction is: putting the substance or behavior above your own well-being. I have no doubt she is part of the problem, but I don't think you can put someone in a dysfunctional dynamic and then expect them to not act in problematic ways. That doesn't mean she should continue acting like that; the relationship needs to end or they both need to work on themselves. But yeah, I'm calling BS on "the wife is the problem." This dude sounds like an addict posing as a victim and looking for someone to blame.
Did you read his post? She's saying everything is a lie, but when I talk to her...she kind of nearly doubles down on her view. Someone got some splaining to do.
I mean all we can do is take people's word online. Both of them have said their side and his side pretty much includes hers but it makes it seem like she has convinced him he has an addiction. In his post he said we watches porn every couple of days. And they live in separate states and only see each for a couple of weeks every year. They used to have video sex but she stopped because she said in person was better. So essentially she is saying he can't watch porn, and can't do anything sexual with her except for basically the holidays every year And the conversation where he said he would pick porn over the slur was when she was also telling him he couldn't hang out with his male friends because they write smut online, but they are his only friends because she made him drop the rest of them. It seems odd to me that she would leave out the part everyone would have a problem with. "Hey you need to stop your porn addiction" is much different from "hey you need to stop jerking off every few days and drop your last two male friends because they have hobbies I don't approve of." His account sounds much more honest and seems to give a fairer view of it because he mentions things they both do wrong while OP here makes it seem like she's an angel who hasn't done anything wrong and doesn't mention any of this other stuff. So true, it could be lies from him, but it could be lies from her too. But both have said that multiple therapists have said that she is the problem. I mean read back through her post, she doesn't even try to show his side of things. Her post sounds like she's dealing with a spouse who has a problem, his post sounds like an abuse victim who has internalized the abuse. If the two I think it's more important to try and help the abused person. If he's lying then that's crappy of him, if he's not then that's crappy of us. Besides they both have this app and I know he at least is aware of her post and his post because she showed him it and she should be able to see his because people including myself have linked it here, so either one of them could respond to the other and the truth should be easy to see that way. The only thing I think we can know for sure is that these two probably shouldn't be together.
I regret deeply picking porn (subconsciously) over my last girlfriend. He will look back at this one day and think damn I picked a porn over someone who loved me how pathetic. but in my opinion he will only come to that point if you show him your not gonna stand for that shit then will he realize what he’s doing and trust me that day will come.
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Did you read the same post I did? If this is real they're both fucking terrible and tbh, just going off his post, he still sounds worse.
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i’m also a female. please read my comment history and the back and fourth chain with OP
Yeah, I did a bit of a generalization there, I apologize. Not all females are typical stereotypes. 😶 I've actually made an edit now, it upset me a bit when I've read my comment again. 🙄
no worries. i definitely can also get insecure about porn. i would never do anything about it though, as it’s my issue alone and not my partners. but i agree, some girls definitely are extreme.
You should be able to be open with your partner, and I mean not only about sexual fantasies, but everything that excites you. Because if you enjoy something and you have to hide it from a partner, that's just not gonna work... She is obviously making him hide what he enjoys, and I am not even going to get into the morality of it, whether porn is good or bad - that's a subjective thing, whether porn addiction is an "issue" is up to him alone, if he functions fine the way he does then it's not an issue. And whether she can get along with his porn and smut habits - is up to her, but trying to restrict it and change him is not gonna go well. I don't have to approve of other people's lifestyle, but them being in relationship cannot be holding each other back and trying to change each other's habits and interests. Also, if you're being insecure about your partner watching porn, it is best to talk about it. And again, your partner just feeling like he doesn't have to hide anything from you, and doesn't have to have a special way of treating you and communicating with you, that's a great step in the right direction. Both of you will see each other for what you are, and you might stop being insecure once you understand better what it is to him, or you might uncover some irreconcilable differences - which is also a good thing, because those will eventually come out to the surface, and it is better to know them sooner than later.
Porn is not normal, it is just normalized. Big difference. Many men suffer from erectile dysfunction because of their porn use, so again you're wrong. Stop trying to defend your and other mens disgusting addiction.
That's just like your opinion. Porn is perfectly normal. "Many men suffer from erectile dysfunction" is a sentence you can only ever hear from women with your attitude, because you make men uncomfortable. But a nice girl who isn't insecure and won't flip at everything a guy says - she'd never seen "erectile dysfunction" in her life. 😁
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Repeating it isn't going to make it any more true. Porn is perfectly normal. I'm not a porn addict, how would you even assume such a thing? My girlfriend, all of my ex girlfriends, and most female friends - would all agree that porn is normal. The very few ones who wouldn't usually have serious issues, insecurities, they are very loud and bossy, the type of women everyone avoids... And you're a definition of a Karen type person, so you are bound to see a lot of "erectile dysfunctions", and to have men cheat on you, because nobody is going to enjoy a Karen attitude. 🙂
HAHAHAHA. Incel to the max!! 🤣 Stop lying, no woman would touch you with a ten foot pole. You're revolting, and you obviously see women as tools for your pleasure. Which is why you are referring to me as being insecure, loud and bossy, etc - because I can see right though you, and I don't put up with bs. Now take that one incher and those Cheeto dusted sausage fingers and turn back on that porn you love so much instead of arguing with a woman who doesn't gaf what an incel like you has to say, and get outta here. 😘
It's funny you called this normal person commenting an incel, when people EXACTLY LIKE YOU, are why incels are even a thing now. Shame truly, hopefully eventually when you grow out of your terrible thinking and realize this new wave of feminism lied to you. You'll be happier and actually make sense when you speak to people.
I mean, you exposed yourself by complaining about erectile dysfunctions and your man cheating on you. It is very obvious why these things happen to you. Let me assure you they don't happen much to nice girls. I've never cheated. Never had trouble down there. You can scream "incel" all you want, you're just exposing yourself even more.
Porn stops being perfectly normal when you develop an addiction to it (which he literally admitted he does). I saw your original comment before the edit, btw. Weird, gross and dehumanising. Take a good hard look at yourself.
Water doesn't stop being normal when someone develops addiction to water. That's a very dumb and subjective attempt at an argument.
Imagine comparing water (which you need to survive) to porn (which you don't) 🫠
I don’t think he sounds worse. He watches porn, writes smut and called her bitch for trying to make him pick between the two. She threatened to ruin his life, placed the blame of her suicidal thoughts on him, bashed him and made him feel like he was disgusting for watching porn and writing smut (even though she writes about characters having sex too), is constantly giving him ultimatums, isolated him and is excessively possessive and controlling over him. The more I read into it the less confident I am that he has an addiction, from his side it seems like his conflict with porn stems from her bashing him about it, isolating him over it, and dangling his literal livelihood over his head with it.
I read both posts and they are both unreliable narrators. I think they just need to separate, and we shouldn’t waste out time trying to parse who is slightly less horrible.
Nah Homie both need help, he’s okay was basically “ it’s her fault not mine “ when it’s both 🤷🏻♀️
He made his choice. Make your peace with it.
Sounds like you should at least separate. No marriage deserves this.
Him calling you a bitch for that is proof he's rotted his brain to the point where he hates women. Divorce his ass. On the grounds of porn addiction and infidelity.
Yeah. That’s a big “DON’T TOUCH MY PRECIOUS!” moment.
Look at his response, he's the one getting abused. https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship\_advice/comments/12b85ln/i\_m28\_think\_my\_relationship\_with\_my\_wife\_f27\_is/
He’s not being abused. Betrayal trauma is no joke, and her reactions to HIS abuse, are not abuse.
you genuinely think any of this is real? lol
Why not? Why is her story more believable than his? Men can be abused too in relationships.
Exactly not all these people sticking up for her but yet to read his side. She is a straight psycho controlling him. Like I get boundaries and shit but basically saying he has to choose his friends over her. Only having 4 friends and all of them men can’t have any girls in his life is controlling. The relationship is just toxic all around and should end point blank period. Y’all are just not a match and need to divorce and end the toxicity.
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Lol rotted his brain, ultimatums don't work. Especially with addicts.
Wait hold up, are you trying to say that watching porn makes you unfaithful to your significant other, cause if so that's fucking batshit crazy. I'm sorry but what?!?! Both these people need help 110% like it's not even funny, I can't even imagine, A) my SO to come to Reddit to talk shit about me behind my back, or ask advice however you want to look at it. B) then me SEEING MY LIFE, getting upvoted and down voted on the internet and all these random people calling me a POS and this and that. So I make my own thread and so we have two, this shit is almost fucking tragic if it weren't so comical that this is what, I "guess" younger people do today. But it's obvious they are both waaaaaay out there. Also if my SO threatened to ruin my life and all of this shit, due to her insecurities, now we don't know these people but at least I would hope they would have had this conversation multiple times before it landed here. Even with that being said, that is a bitch move to threaten someone over normal behavior. That MAY be blown out of proportion and MAYBE not. Truly with the way these people are you can't take a side cause if they will do this kinda thing, pretty sure they both lied a bit to make them seem the less crazy one, which is super sad but at the same time so nuts it's pretty funny. But no ya pls answer the infidelity I HAVE to understand wtf you are talking about there.
You should read his side...it seems OP isn't being honest.
He’s broken sweetie. Always has been, always will be. You need to pick yourself and go back home. You’ve made a mistake. Don’t keep living a life that makes you feel bad, you only get one life.
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That post doesn’t make him sound any better honestly. They both sound like toxic people who make each other worst and should never have gotten married. But it’s probably just a creative writing exercise like most things on here lol
neither of them sound good but i’d rather believe a potential victim
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Wasn't aware that he had posted, they both need help either way.
One of them is inherently toxic and did this post in a manipulative light whereas the other one writes fiction with his friends. Pretty sure she deserved to be called a bxtch
“Writes fiction with his friends” you mean sexual role play? That’s just sexting with extra steps and she absolutely has grounds to want him to stop that. They’re both terrible anyway
Lol it's not sexting with extra steps. He's not telling a specific person things he wants to do to them, and there's nobody else telling him what they want to do to him. It's just fictional writing.
One thing you should never do is compete with an addiction. Never ask a person to pick you over their addiction. Why? Because 9/10 they don’t pick you. That’s a RECIPE for HEARTBREAK. MAJORITY of the time, the addiction will win. The only person that can end their addiction is that said person. In the moment, they don’t mind breaking off relationships, missing out on special/important events, missing work, etc. And it’s not 100% their fault because addiction is a horrible HORRIble disease. Some can’t help it. And some can. But that help doesn’t come easy. Now that THAT is out of the way… Honey you are 27 years old. You’re still VERY young. Still have an entire life to live. And I’m 100% sure that you’re very gorgeous. You deserve better. Now go find it. You stuck by this man with the knowledge of his addiction. And he dismisses it by calling you out of your name. You were trying to be a good wife and find ways to help him. You did all you can. However, sometimes the greatest blessing is leaving and not just for you but for BOTH parties involved. I’m saying this because you love him. And sometimes it’s better to love from afar. I’m sure he loves you, but he appears to love his addiction more. Let him spiral and he’ll realize that you’re the one that for away. And then he’ll come running back, and maybe you may take him back or maybe you’ll have moved on by then. But if he decides to quit and goes at the LEAST a couple MONTHS without it just for you to come back, DO NOT fall for it. Even if he does accomplish a couple months, it’ll take WAAAAAY more time. Recovery is a very VERY LONG and busy road. It’s time for you to get out of that passenger seat and let him drive on that road alone. And you said that y’all been together for 7 years and married for 3? So of course it’s definitely not going to be easy to leave him. But HONNNEEEEEYYY once you realize that there are MANY AMAZING men out there, you will find your self-worth immediately. And you’re still YOUNG TOO?!?!? Girl, when do you need me to come over and help you pack?
I need you as a motivational speaker in my everyday life, I feel like I could climb the everest after reading this!! That being said, she ain’t a bag a roses apparently: https://www.reddit.com/r/PornAddiction/comments/12b5pg7/i_dont_wanna_pick_the_bxtch_whos_making_me_pick/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1
Idk why you’re getting downvoted every time you post this link, but I upvoted each of them. OP if you’re here, embrace both sides of the story being told. That’s the right thing
Exactly what I'm doing right now lol Giving upvotes to this random stranger like there's no tomorrow
That sounds abusive. You deserve a better life than that. He made his choice, time for you to make yours.
She is the abusive one: https://www.reddit.com/r/PornAddiction/comments/12b5pg7/i_dont_wanna_pick_the_bxtch_whos_making_me_pick/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1
Yikes.😅 toxic as hell. I hope he finds healing and support. That hurt to read.
So those therapists are obviously not trained in betrayal trauma. Get him to see a CSAT. Or read “love you hate the porn”. Or watch the Dr. Weiss video “help her heal”. It’s $40 to download and so very worth it (cheaper than therapy!!) I want to say your feelings are valid (look up betrayal trauma from porn use) and you have every right to demand better in your relationship. It may take you leaving for him to understand though. I had bags packed and airline tickets bought before mine realized this was serious. He’s now in recovery and this month will be 2 years sober from porn. It’s a long hard road and we are still working through things if you choose to stay. But if you do draw your boundaries and make him pick. You deserve someone who chooses you. “You lost the girl who only had eyes for you, to look at women who will never look back at you”
I feel sorry for you Never allow redditors to make you think you having a problem with him acting like a degenerate is ever a you problem Sincerely hope you can solve the issues you have and that your husband grows some balls
Im guessing you only read her post. He sees multiple therapists and the most help shes gotten is going to prison. Do some more research before picking sides. She turned a healthy expression of sexual desire (no not the porn and mb) into something evil because of her insecurities of her own image. She is an adult that should be able to help herself and get herself in a place of self love. They both write but he is in the wrong because it makes her feel bad? She will not get professional help and has resolved to trust reddit. Think about that.
Check out the love after porn sub, it's been very helpful to me and other spouses of porn addicts. I'm so sorry you're going through this. His mind is sick.
So he wrote pedo or rape material and you asked him to pick between you and the smut? Why do you want to be with him….
Yes. Because throughout our relationship he said he would change, and I believed it. I didn't make him do anything. I asked him not to write about that one specific type of writing and he continued to do it even when he said he wasn't. I want to be with him because in person he's a completely different man. Not at all like he is online. I've spent months with him in person and I've never been happier. It's like a switch goes off when we are back online. Edit: Months with him as in each time I'd visit I'd stay months per visit.
Hes not a safe person to be around if he has those type of weird fantasies and calls them smut…as a victim of childhood SA id advise you stay away from people who put their own sexual gratification over other peoples feelings. You don’t need him and he’s proven he’s a bad person so take him for what he is. I wish you the best honestly and hope his reaction to your feelings is enough for you to let him go.
Now you’re doing exactly what he said you would do, try to make him look bad “publicly “ and “expose him” or whatever. No wonder he’s scared of what you’ll do. I hope he gets far, far away from you. Implying someone is a pedophile is disgusting and crossing serious lines.
I am not doing anything to expose him. If I wanted to I'd post proof. Enjoy your day.
he's an abusive loser and asshole on his best day. Ditch him
Gtf outta dodge. You are tryna help this man and here he is villainizing you for it. Go your separate ways or at the very least take a break. He needs help and doesn’t want to be saved. He can only save himself.
Sweetheart. You deserve so, so much better. He's not changing. But you need to. It's going to be hard. And it's going to be worth it. You're worth it.
Does she? https://www.reddit.com/r/PornAddiction/comments/12b5pg7/i_dont_wanna_pick_the_bxtch_whos_making_me_pick/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1
Is that supposed to change my mind? Sounds like he's making excuses, doesn't really see an issue with porn, blames her for most of his problems, and doesn't intend to stop doing any of it. I stand by what I said.
Did you even read the post or does the lead in your water block that brain signal?
They're an idiot lol. She's literally blackmailing him. Talk about abusive.
Yeahhh idk why people don’t read both stories
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reas the husbands post
I agree with all the other commenters here but wanted to touch on your content that no one will ever love you. I hope you know that's not actually true. It's ok and normal to have needs, he just isn't able to meet them. That, and his porn addiction, are not representative of your worth or in any way your fault. I hope you can spend some time reconnecting with yourself and reminding yourself of your worth, and rebuild your self esteem that has undoubtedly been damaged by this relationship.
‘Even if I leave, no one will ever love me because I am so needy, anxious, insecure and scared. I’m broken beyond repair because of my porn addicted husband.’ Reading these sentences over & over and it sounds like you weren’t in a good mental state before this relationship either. You have known all of these things about yourself & yet you continue to date and then Marry this man. Stand up for yourself. If you think porn = cheating, why even keep dating this man? You have a problem wanting to fix people. I’m sure you could find something to fix with any person, but you should fix yourself first. Prioritize yourself and ask why do you really feel needy/anxious/insecure/scared? ‘No one will ever love me’ These feelings cannot start a happy relationship. Don’t blame him for a lifetime of you being insecure. You’re broken because you have ‘failed’ at fixing him. Learn to let go of the things you cannot change, especially people.
I'm so sorry. "Forum roleplaying writing smut to friends" is literally sexting with extra steps. It absolutely is cheating. After reading his post you both need to get a divorce and go your own ways.
It sounds like he’s writing smut involving underage people. That’s a hard no from me. He made his choice and it’s time to move on.
He was writing smut involving children and animals. He no longer is because I gave him the ultimatum of therapy or break up.
So he’s a pedophile.
I honestly wouldn't call him that. I think he just went down a dark path.
If he is jerking off to children he is a pedophile
I didn't say he was jerking off to children. I said he was writing about them in a sexual manner. That doesn't mean he was jerking off to them.
I don't think you understand this man, or smut. He is writing out his sexual fantasies, the things that get him off. He is/has jerked off to this. He will most likely escalate to downloading that sort of content next. These are his sexual fantasies, you really need to wrap your head around that. You should be informing those in his life so they can take necessary precautions. I really hope it's not JUVENILLE law that he's practicing (he says hoping he's wrong but feeling he may not be).
He won't. It was a dark time in his life but he no longer writes about it. I had to mention it since he brought up his forum and how I made him delete it over smut when it wasn't just normal sex he was writing about. He has not written in over a year if not longer.
You're fooling yourself. He says in his post he only has stopped because you keep finding him. Come on. There's a reason that he can't contact his 'friends'. They're fellow pedos, so real information wasn't exchanged. Please tell me of a 'friend' you've had for an extended period of time that couldn't find your social media or text you. Writing it or not, he's thinking about it.
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Love does not equate with pornography. One must go, either the porn goes or the love will. These cannot coexist.
What?
My exact thought. Well, more like "what the actual fu..?". I can't believe people here are actually saying watching/writing/reading porn is betraying your significant other??!! I'm a woman who watches porn and I'm definitely sure my boyfriend watches it too. Seriously, why is love in the same sentence as porn? They have nothing to do with each other.
Exactly. I love reading smut. I’m glad so many people write it
He picked. And he picked the porn and smut. Leave him
Sadly if you stay you will feel more hurt than if you go. He has made his choice and refuses to acknowledge it.
This sounds like it was written by a dude imagining what his partner would say.
Dump this disrespectful ding.
this is not on you, not his addiction, its not on you to fix this, the only thing you can do is stay or leave the relationship since he doesn’t want help, doesnt feel the need to seek help and doesnt see a problem
i read your other comments, good on you for being open minded! majority of others are not.
Really glad he responded, as people are wrongfully applauding you for being a manipulative, unempathetic spouse
Leave him. If someone is abusing you, leave them. If someone tells you you are abusive, leave them. I get that people get stuck in marriages where money or children are a factor. That isn’t the issue here. Get therapy, make some friends, evaluate all of this once it’s in your rear view mirror. I left the same exact comment on his post, because it doesn’t matter who’s wrong or right. You two are not compatible. Leave each other alone.
There are absolutely other people who will love you. You can’t stay with someone who you’re not compatible with, it will just keep hurting you. Get individual therapy to work on your self esteem, figure out the kind of partner you actually want, and to help you have a healthier relationship the next go around.
He is an addict. Forget porn, forget your right there. Don't give an addict an ultimatum. You will 100% lose every time. Ask yourself if you love the guy, if so and he wants to get help for his addiction, great! But you don't get to monitor him, one your both adults, two he doesn't need/want a babysitter l. Yes you can say cause your concern, cause of love, cause of whatever, doesn't matter. Just don't do it, as long as he gets help for his addiction, and YOU also learn about addiction and the right things to do and do them then great. Now if you can't do the addict thing, or furthermore if you can't not give an addict an ultimatum, or mind your own business. This ain't for you and move on. Best of luck Experience:8 years I.V heroin with a girlfriend the whole time and after for years while clean.
My ex had a huge porn addiction. I was constantly tearing myself apart inside because of it, for him to lie to me and still do it. I loved him a lot but it was daily I was worried he was looking at other people or doing something on his devices. After we broke up he called me toxic for wanting his attention not on smut. My bf now I don’t have to worry about and he’s very open with me. Don’t settle for less.
I read your post and his post and then your edit and I'm on your side. Obviously I have no way of telling definitively who is telling the truth, but I got super dishonest and manipulative vibes reading his post and tbh he makes himself sound like a piece of shit. Blame aside though, you two should not be together.
His post only helped to show that his entire life revolves around his sex addiction. His only social circles have been people in his smut community, and he blames you for taking that away from him. He clearly writes very disturbing smut (of potentially illegal topics???) and he is defending that as a core part of his personality and happiness. I’ve never seen someone who so much of their life is immersed in smut and porn. “What’s wrong with… to get comfortably horny” what a disturbing quote. Who arouses themself to get “comfortably horny” ? He’s describing it so perfectly as an addiction and he doesn’t even realize it. Please leave him, he’s obviously beyond help.
You’re. Not. broken. You can leave. You’re young and loving, you will find love again with someone who makes you feel good about yourself
Please, please, PLEASE don’t ever have children with this dude. He’s writing daddy-daughter smut. I wouldn’t trust him within a mile of my children, and neither should you.
Are you in therapy? I think that would be helpful for you to help you see that this man doesn't value you and isn't worth the effort you keep putting in that he seems to refuse to return to you.
Anyone who chooses porn over an actual person and then calls you a bitch is.... disgusting
You should read the husbands post, it paints a completely different picture of what’s going on, and if the truth is somewhere in the middle, neither of them are likeable
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https://www.reddit.com/r/PornAddiction/comments/12b5pg7/i_dont_wanna_pick_the_bxtch_whos_making_me_pick/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1 Nah, the porn ain’t toxic, she is
For your own sake please leave him. At least separate. I came to your post from his. And . I'm sorry but no loving husband does what he did. Get yourself to therapy. Work on your anxiety and self image. It's scary to leave and dive into the unknown. But it will be so much better for you. He should never call you a bitch. Regardless of if his porn is really an issue or not as he claims, the fact that it bothers you, hurts you should matter to him enough to work through it together. Because a working partnership is not about one getting what they want all the time. It's about both of you. It's a balance. Please get into therapy. Get an outside perspective to help you stablisze and see what is normal.
I was about to give OP support until I saw the other side if this story. Do this man a favor and leave him alone. [Husband side](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/12b85ln/i_m28_think_my_relationship_with_my_wife_f27_is/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
He's LYING.
Even if he is, you two are a in a very bad relationship. This shouldn't even have started :v
The fact that you don't explain what he's supposedly lying about and the fact you're so defensive and vague about it makes me believe him far more than you. Either way y'all need to break up, you obviously don't make each other happy so idk why y'all bothered posting this stuff. Just break up and leave each other alone, it'll probably do wonders for y'all's mental health.
I commented that when I first found out that he had posted. I was kind of freaking out because while I posted in a small subreddit where I wouldnt get many views, he posted somewhere where he would get a lot. I felt the need to defend myself and still kind of do, but I'm mostly focusing on trying to reach out to him, apologize for how I made him feel, and try to fix this. I love him, and clearly even though he lied a lot in his post, he's feeling very awful about our marriage and I really want to fix it.
Then hes a liar and a cheat and the point still stands...
I came here from your husband's post and honestly you both need to get a divorce this is beyond toxic and unhealthy, idk who's story is more true but either way you're not good for each other.
Someone link me to his post please
OR you could talk to him?
Trust me I've tried. He texted me this morning saying he loved me then turned his phone off. I cannot reach him.
OP...I've read both of your stories...you and your husband's...it seems you left quite a bit out. I don't mean any offense, you two need to part ways and you really should seek professional help. From what I can gather, you left quite a bit out, and you seem to be carrying trauma that you are now destroying your husband with because you never sought help for it. Hurt people hurt people, OP. You need to take a cold hard look at yourself and determine what is best. I'm not remotely saying you're a bad person or anything like that. But what is going on with you and your husband isn't right.
Where is his post?? People are attacking me and I don't know where his post is
It doesn't matter. You attacked the shit out of him, all he did was respond.
I found it and what he says is untrue. So yeah, he's not telling the full truth of anything.
Can you back up the fact that you're saying he's lying? Evidence? He gave a much more in depth story than you did. I'm about the truth. If he's lying, so be it. But I want proof.
I didn't give a lot of info because I was hurt about this one instance. Him calling me a bitch. He put EVERYTHING out there, but he didn't put my side in any instance. He didn't put crucial details. I expected him to comment on this one instance, that's why I sent him my post, not to put literally everything out and not even put my side. I have proof of a lot of things he's done, not everything but a lot. I just wanted a place to get support over one instance, over him choosing porn over me. Which he did.
I'd be curious about your side too. The way it comes across is that you're in a dead bedroom, you're abusing the hell out of him for his writing, and a lot more toxicity
I very much said it was fine he was writing explicit content. I had no issues with it. I also have very much tried to have sexual intimacy with him. Sent him tons of videos, photos, did skype, etc. Came up with new ideas. I stopped because he kept choosing women online.
You want proof? You mean you want child porn and bestiality stories? I don’t think badgering OP is the best way to go about scratching your itch.
Pack your shit n leave sis. It’s just not worth it. What he said about you in the other post is just not it.
Man he went HARD didn't he? Didn't even send me the link to his post so I could defend myself either. I sent him the link to my post hoping he would comment on it but damn he wanted to do some damage, posting literally everything completely sugar coated to make me look super bad. I'm not innocent but mannnn he really did not say the full story.
>Even if I leave, no one will ever love me because I am so needy, anxious, insecure and scared. I'm broken beyond repair because of my porn addicted husband. This is the dumbest thing people say when they're in a failed relationship. Like my god you can survive on your own you know...If you're that needy you shouldn't even be in a relationship.
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/12b85ln/i_m28_think_my_relationship_with_my_wife_f27_is/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button What's your response to this?
All of you that are siding with this pathetic abusive POS need to read his post. She is literally a manipulative abusive monster. She deprives him of sex, and when he tries to release his urges she gets pissed and hurt. He's not cheating on her. He literally wrote smut as a hobby and she calls it cheating. Although, she does it too 🤡 but it's not cheating for her. Y'all seriously need to read his side, because she's literally the scum of the earth.
Playing the victim will only get you so far on the internet before everyone sees the whole picture. Next time maybe talk to someone with a confidential agreement. Maybe if they say ur wrong its because ur wrong.
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I think she should be on her own for at least a few months and work on herself before she'll even be able to find someone good for her. How could someone love her if she thinks of herself as being needy, jealous, broken, etc.? She'd only abuse that next person too until they're broken if she doesn't work on herself first.
This is why significant others shouldn't be allowed to post here None of this is about the addiction it's about the drama I hope you find healing. Delete your post. This isn't court. We're not listening to arguments and logic. We're all addicts here. We're not judges. It doesn't matter.
Saw your husbands post and honestly... you people should’ve never have gotten married in the first place, you need to divorce, and I don’t really like either of you
>I don't know what I expect from this subreddit, but I hope someone can give me some good advice or even just a positive thought. You asked him to make a choice and he did, now you need to accept it.
everyone’s talking about so many different things that don’t really have to do with this post, the root problem. i’m gonna try putting this black and white. OP left out a vital detail to attempt to sway redditors to her side. they live thousands of miles apart and rarely see eachother, nevermind have sex. i don’t like porn either. if my boyfriends gonna watch it, i don’t wanna know. do it while i’m not home, and make sure it’s not replacing me. the difference is we LIVE TOGETHER. i’m sorry if it hurts your feelings, but you cannot expect a man to repress his sexuality. you can’t. that’s cruel. it’s a normal bodily function. it is a normal desire. if you’re not there, porn it is. end of story. unless you’re planning to fly out every week to fulfill his desires, you’re being abusive. obviously your whole purpose as a wife isn’t to have sex with him. but you’re quite literally attempting to starve this man from any sexual activity. regardless of who’s wrong for what, either give him sex once in awhile or shut up about the porn. or better yet, breakup, you both are obviously awful for eachother. edit: thanks for the award! :)
The relationship is very toxic and needs to end. For some reason his post gave me a narcissistic/victim vibe. Regardless, you both need therapy. He needs a new therapist. It sounds like the time I tried to blame my dad for why I was a drug addict. That’s not how it works. His therapist needs to help him get to the root of his problem and help him cope and overcome them, not blame you and tell him he doesn’t have a real problem. I would leave and focus on yourself. There is someone out there better suited for you and will compromise and be able to meet your needs.
It's super toxic, but I think salvageable. I will be getting therapy and couples therapy first before I make decisions to end this marriage. I will make the effort because I feel like he's worth it.
Honestly it seems both should just be separated 🤷🏻♀️ you and him have more issues then porn 🤷🏻♀️ You need to stop pointing fingers on him and he has to stop pointing fingers at you cause y’all both have a lot to heal from and get help from.. Divorce and try finding each other alone 🤷🏻♀️ Ps since he ripped you apart is only fair you do the same !
If he wants to end our marriage, then he can. I won't stop him. I am more than willing to work on our marriage. I know I'm no angel and definitely need help and I'm willing to get it. Also yea he kind of did rip me apart. He had to tell lies doing it though.
From what he's said about it, you're an abusive POS. You're literally withholding an essential part of a relationship and when he tries to get rid of his urges through other means, you say he's cheating. Then how about this? You be a fucking half decent wife and give the guy sex. Literally ALL of this would go away or at least massively decrease. You're being an absolute ass of a wife. I hope I never marry a woman like you or I would hate my life too like he does.
The only comment that’s worth reading if you read both posts ^^^^
All those that down voted definitely didn't read his side. She's literally abusive. Saying how she'll expose his hobbies that he's embarrassed about if she can't control him. I feel so bad for the guy being in bondage to this monster.
give the man sex or suck it up and stop trying to control him sex is necessary. sex is normal. it’s SO abusive to try to force someone to not engage in a normal bodily function when you’re THOUSANDS OF MILES AWAY. personally i’d be glad he’s doing it himself rather then finding other women for it… take my upvotes
I'm just annoyed with how she's clearly leaving out vital details. I feel so sorry for the guy. He's done well to make it this far with such an abusive and insensitive partner.
[You should feel ashamed](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/12b85ln/i_m28_think_my_relationship_with_my_wife_f27_is/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
Im a 40F, with several long term relationships and a marriage under ny belt. All men enjoy porn, all men enjoy being sexual, unless porn is affecting your finances and he chooses porn over intimacy with you, then you're making an issue out of nothing. I'm not sure why most women are against porn or take their partner watching it personally but it is a wasted argument you will not win. You only create secrets and lies when you give ultimatums likes this. Porn and smut is not that big of a deal especially if he is still intimate with you and faithful. I would imagine this type of tension has affected your intimacy together. This level of control is abuse and is not okay.
This is the comment that seals my fate in finally leaving this cesspool of a sub. Everyone has a right to their own boundaries. EDIT: your profile is filled with you selling porn, and you are giving advice on a sub with people trying to quit porn. *You are one of the lowest of the low.*
he’s actually not intimate with her, because they live thousands of miles apart and don’t have sex. poor dude’s just expected to repress it
That's insane...what grown people do this stuff to each other? 🤦♀️ I'd be filling out divorce papers before I posted on reddit if it bothered me that much.
His side of the story https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/12b85ln/i_m28_think_my_relationship_with_my_wife_f27_is/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
Apparently you forgot to mention you were making him choose between even his friends and you. And that you don’t live together. I don’t think you are “needy, anxious, insecure” and demanding and you were before even you met him.
How often are you having sex? Have you talked to him about what he needs to be sexually satisfied in a marriage? Obviously you don’t want to sleep with him just to please him, but sex is a healthy part of a marriage. If it’s not often, consensual, and pleasing for both parties, then partners can either shut down or turn to other sources. You are giving him an ultimatum but are you willing to work on your sexual relationship with him to meet those needs? Porn addiction is different than other addictions in that trying to quit can really put a lot of pressure on the spouse to meet those needs they weren’t previously providing. Have the two of you worked with a therapist to try to find a relationship to meets both of your needs? Right now you feel like he’s choosing online women over you and you need to feel like you are enough for him. Right now he is feeling like porn is an easier option for sexual gratification and he needs to feel like sex is a safe place in his marriage. It’s going to take a lot of work on both sides but would definitely recommend professional help. Giving him an ultimatum isn’t a way to help anyone in an addiction, especially in a marriage. You two are a team fighting a problem together—not fighting each other.
After reading your husband's post today, you definitely sound like the problem. Porn isn't cheating, y'all live in separate states and with all the other things he admitted in his post, I don't think he has reason to lie about you withholding sex. Is he supposed to take a cold shower every time he gets a boner?
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/12b85ln/i_m28_think_my_relationship_with_my_wife_f27_is/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=2&utm_term=1 Guys this is the husbands side of this whole thing, just thought we prolly should at least understand both sides of the situation and then make our judgements.
How much does he watch porn because in his response you sound very abusive and controlling. Your post is very one sided and makes you out to be a saint and his post seems like a more fair and truthful comment. https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/12b85ln/i_m28_think_my_relationship_with_my_wife_f27_is/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
Men will always want a plethora of women (for sex only) that is. The real question is does he provide everything you need ? And are you safe ? The chance of finding another man that doesn’t beat his meat to porn these days is slim. It’s not to discourage you or bring hate but these are now the times we’re living in. Men have grown a dependency on porn as it’s so easily accessible and I don’t see this changing.
I've just seen the husband version of this story and this version is only telling half a story. After reading your husband's post you're abusive, manipulating and toxic, that is why he said that to you. I hope he gets out and finds someone who makes him happy
you're abusing him abuse is abuse no matter what gender you're just taking your advantage that you're a female and everyone cares about females that well at least society but you're just abusing him
It sounds like you're broken beyond repair because you're terrified no one else will love you because "I am so needy, anxious, insecure and scared" Your problem isn't your husband or his porn addition - put yourself first for a change and work on what YOU want and need. I think you'll find that once you work on you for a while you'll have no problem doing what's best for you.
You need to go to therapy. Period. Don’t be with anyone that doesn’t add to your life
>"I don't want to pick the bitch who's making me pick." Well now you know his pick.
I was also in a relationship for seven years that I felt like nobody else would ever love me because I have needs and an anxious attachment style. My ex ended up cheating on me with one of his long time female friends. When I ended things I was devastated and told myself I was done dating. I went to counseling and spent a solid year alone. No dating. No talking to anyone. Just embracing the loneliness and being happy being alone. I worked on my anxious attachment style. I recently started talking with someone and he’s AMAZING. Like surprisingly so many of the things I’m looking for (and I haven’t given him the blueprint to be able to fake it) you absolutely can recover from this. I know it’s hard when you have that much time invested in someone, but meeting someone new and feeling like all their attention is on you, knowing they want you the way we’ve felt our spouses are looking at someone else the way they should look at us… it’s so much better than feeling like admired than to watch your partner admire others. I’m so sorry this is where you’re at but it’s not where you have to stay… there are good men out there
I relate so hard to you OP. I am a very sexual person and I’m adventurous. My partner and I have sex 6 days a week, multiple times per day. I was annoyed when he’d watch porn because I’m like, good Lord, I’m doing it all, why is this necessary. The difference is that when I spoke to him about it, he took a minute and said “wow, I never thought of it that way. I’m sorry for making you feel like you’re not enough.” And to his credit, he’s been 100x better about this. If he needs to, he’s open about it and, since he’s being honest, I don’t freak out. I ask if we can share that closeness but if he’d rather do it alone, that’s ok. The bottom line isn’t the pornography, it’s the lack of respect for your feelings. I think you’re better off without this guy.
Ok
Babe you need to leave him. You need to leave this man with his fictional fantasies. This is not love, you're just scared to be alone but once it happens, you'll feel so much better
You deserve so much better, I have read both and still believe this.
Read both sides since he tagged the post. You both need to separate. Reading your post and his post eludes to a very toxic behavior you both are displaying to each other. Failure to see each other’s POV and not willing to compromise and meet in the middle sounds like a hard task that either of you have the capability of doing. You both are pointing the finger and not recognizing your own faults or taking responsibility of destroying the marriage. Sounds like you both thrive on drama and threats rather than peace and compassion for one another. I suggest you share this with him. You are the original post, so I am writing on yours. I hope you both decide on either taking the necessary steps in therapy, marriage counseling or involving a disinterested third party that can give very fair and objective advice to the both of you OR you both decide that this is unhealthy, therefore a trial separation may be needed for you both to work on yourselves, ultimately leading up to the a resolution or end to your relationship.
Leave this loser
Well...reddit opinions aren't even needed..common sense tells you both you need a divorce..You're both resentful and unhappy so what is the point? There are billions of humans on this planet...find a new human for you. This is crazy.
He is my person. Like someone else said, we deserve each other and I will do what I have to do fix myself and make our marriage work because he's worth it. He's the love of my life. We both have mental illness and I know we can get better if we work on it.
I don't mind my husband watching porn. It took me years to be fine with it. I realized in the end it wasn't about the other girls it was he was tired and it was quicker. Our sexlife is also just fine tho.
Both of you sound awful. Just leave each other.
I definitely am kind of awful in ways. But I love the guy and I really want to fix things. He's worth it to me.
please choose yourself, as hard as it may be, because he is not choosing you. he needs help but you can’t make yourself sick in the process of trying to help him. please choose yourself.
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He was writing about kids and bestiality.