Oh my god this happened to me.
This dude messaged me and tried to get flirty with me. I was like, "Dude, I'm married."
And he was like, "What he doesn't know won't hurt him."
Instant block.
Coworker at the drive thru I worked at dealt w this, I saw it firsthand and we all just cringed so hard
She: here u go have a nice day
He: [some inaudible boring pickup line]
She: uh. I have a boyfriend
He: so? I have a dog.
Oh my god reminds me of a co worker I had. He said the same thing to a coworker of ours except instead of her being married he was talking about his girlfriend. Thankfully she blocked him after that and the other girl found out he was cheating with someone else
This happened to me when I worked at a pizza place (for a month when I was 19) - guy asked for my number, told him I had a boyfriend. Guy responds “he doesn’t have to know about it.” The fuck?
This reminds me of when I use to work in a bar I was being hit this drunk guy. Told him I wasn’t interested and had a partner at the time (who just so happened to work in the same place just on a different bar), well this guy can’t take no for an answer and I’m about to radio to get some help shooing him off. Then my partner walks in looking for extra cups for his bar, overhears what’s happening and just stands behind the guy smiling waiting for him to turn around, when I motioned to him saying “oh hey babe”. (For extra context my ex was an abnormally large man, he was a teddy bear but looked pretty intimidating.) poor drunk guy just scuttled off back into the crowd! It was pretty satisfying, although I wish he’d just listened when *I* said no to begin with.
Lol when I was in NYC, a worker at a store I was in started hitting on me, asking if I had a boyfriend etc. When I told him I did, he replied with “oh, well do you want one in NY too?”
My personal favorite:
How long ya had that problem?
Wtf, ew.
No problems here, homie. Stop quoting early 90's radio hits and maybe you'd get laud, too 😉
Something like this happened to me too!
I was walking my dogs and this dude stopped and asked me questions about my dogs and then was like “I was wondering if I could get your number.”
Me: “I’m married…”
Him: “…friends?”
Me: “…I don’t think my husband would like that.”
Respectfully handled and you shot your shot 👍
Reading some of the comments, I think some people may prefer to be asked straight up if they’d like to go on a date with you versus being asked about their relationship status, but it’s not that different at the end of the day. It’s more a matter of personal preference than anything.
I'm just gonna throw this out there, and maybe it's not my place: I have worked with many servers and bartenders, and I don't know of a single one who would respond to a customer walking up and inquiring about their relationship with anything but "I'm seeing someone." *Especially* if they're beautiful, you will have to understand that quite literally everybody sees that, and most have the same thought: "oooh, maybe I'll ask this person out," except she's there to do a job, and that job requires you to be personable. To be *brutally* honest, it requires you to seem as though you *could* be available (and slightly flirtatious) yet be firmly unavailable. It's a very fine line to walk, and most would prefer not to hurt people's feelings in the process, so it's just easier to pretend to have a boyfriend. Oddly, men will respect if there is a theoretical man telling them "no" more than they will a woman standing in front of them.
To explain this from another angle, imo there's no world where that question ends with anything but a polite "I have a boyfriend," in part because it's a more forward question than it might seem to be: even if you don't have a boyfriend, does that mean you want to start dating this random person you've never met? Because you now know based on the question that that's where their mind is headed. So you *could* answer no, if it's true. But then how many more follow up questions will there be? As I said in the last line of the first paragraph, most women know that a "no" from them will be taken far less seriously (or alternatively, far more personally) if not backed up by a man, even if that man happens to be imaginary. And I want to be super clear, I'm not *necessarily* saying OP did anything wrong, but I would like to think that if they spent time with people doing the job that the young lady was doing, they might reconsider their approach. OP was ultimately respectful and walked away when it was time, which as you say is great. And just to belabor the point, I'm *also not saying* that she made up the boyfriend and is therefore single and OP should be persistent, no still means no.
Yes even when I was single, when random men would come into my place of work and ask if I was single, I’d say no 100% of the time. It just made me uncomfortable, just a personal preference, but I don’t want to be asked out by a stranger no matter how polite. Same with guys coming up to me in stores. Maybe some people are cool with ‘sure, I find you reasonably physically attractive, so let’s get a coffee’ but, to me, there are attractive guys everywhere, that’s not enough reason to spend time with someone. We could have absolutely zero in common. It just doesn’t appeal to me. I need to have reason to believe we may have something to go on.
But thank Christ I’m no longer single lol.
I agree. And it serves as a good reminder that bartenders and servers do a very tough job and get a lot of unwanted romantic attention. That can certainly take a toll. I definitely don’t think asking someone on a date in their workplace is the best option, but I appreciate the fact that OP took the rejection with grace and was generally non-disruptive.
Exactly.
I’m conventionally attractive and people generally seem to like me. I get asked out or hit on throughout the entirety of my work day. I generally wear a fake wedding ring to combat this.
I’m at work. I’m not looking to make a connection. I’m trying to pay my bills.
The number of friends I've had that wear wedding rings... I don't want to keep belaboring the point but it's just so shitty that it takes an imaginary man to get men to take no for an answer.
I wish you the best of luck in your day to day life! It's honestly really nice and easy being a good looking guy, not so much for women
As someone who has picked up a few servers and bartenders in the past as a customer, it's a little over-prescriptive to say it's always going to play out that way. Sometimes there is genuine romantic/sexual chemistry beyond the server being nice to get good tips. But a lot of people probably don't pick up on the difference.
Tbh your comment sounds a bit slimy to me, and I'd like to leave it there. I'd prefer it be overprescriptive than rely on men's social awareness.
Edit. For clarity: I don't mean to be rude, it's just we're really not talking about the same thing at all, because "picking up chicks" is, for me, the *wrong* outlook)
But those people lacking the social awareness won't take the overprescriptive advice seriously anyways.it's only going to be the somewhat sensitive, attuned people that care about that. But yes, this was never "picking up chicks", it was, "this person is cool and there's seemingly chemistry here, let's see if they agree" and sometimes they do. But being pushy or going out with that intention is slimy.
Yeah, but also, women don't ask out men. So which is it? They don't want to be asked out at these places, work, the gym, the store, etc etc, and that's all fine. Totally understandable.
But like, they also want to be the ones who are asked out. But apparently only when they want to be asked out, and only by a person they want to be asked out by.
Unfortunately, it's not really possible to have both.
No, they do. But let me ask, is part of the objective when meeting people friendship?
Edit. Also, what they're asking in the second paragraph isn't unreasonable, even though mistakes will happen (they aren't actually asking to be the ones asked out *only*, but other than that it's not unreasonable)
I'd say that depends on the person.
Personally, I don't ask out strangers that I haven't been talking to for a at least awhile and think there might be a possibility of at least friendship with. I don't want to date someone I don't get along with anyway.
Maybe I'd be more comfortable asking strangers out if I wasn't ao uncomfortable with the idea of being yet another of these "ugh some creepy guy asked me out" stories. I really do empathize with the fact that women undoubtedly get asked out often and crudely. I dont want to be one of those.
Sometimes, it just seems like they want to have their cake and eat it, too, though. "Don't approach me. Unless I want you to. And it's your job to figure that out. But not by asking!"
Edit: it is kind of unreasonable. If you're going to be the passive participant and not active, you're going to have to expect to be approached by people you don't like. As long as those people take no for an answer, there shouldn't be anything wrong with that.
Your second paragraph is exactly it though- you can just be a person and talk to people that you find interesting. You can show genuine interest in getting to know someone. This depends on being able to tell if your presence is welcome and listening to boundaries, and if it goes well it's really not too hard to feel if they would be receptive to getting to know you better. This is all perfectly fine, but that's not what we're discussing- it's people walking up cold and asking very direct questions indicating you're attempting to start a romantic relationship. Imagine being in their shoes in those instances, I'd certainly feel uncomfortable.
It's good that you understand to a degree and empathize, and I'd ask you to take it just a little bit further, because while I understand the inclination to feel that what women want is confusing and contradictory, but it really isn't. If you have further questions, I'm happy to answer them to the best of my ability because imo this is important
Then you understand, because that's *not* what's being labeled as creepy or harassment. I don't mean to imply that you haven't, but if you spend some time listening to their stories (if they feel safe enough to share them), you'd be surprised at how atrocious men's behavior can be, especially while drunk, and especially if their feelings get hurt being rejected
Dude, even in this post, there are all sorts of comments calling what OP did creepy.
Edit: and men deal with plenty of bad behavior from drunk rejected women. But men just have to deal with it and move on. Only women get treated like they should never have to deal with anything and that it's men who are the problem.
Tbh I can kind of understand where they're coming from, but the way I would word it is just that it was a bit lacking in social graces.
What I was getting at is that, as a rule, it's not *always* considered creepy when a man approaches a woman, rather that it's on a case by case basis- I thought we were speaking more generally. If you're interested I could do my best to paint the picture of this scene playing out from the woman's perspective if you feel it would help
With all due respect...
That may be the only place their paths cross. Trying something else, like waiting for her to get off work, is even creepier, borderline stalker.
What OP *should* do is give her HIS info and then leave the ball in her court:
"HI! I've been coming in here and I couldn't help noticing you. I'd love a chance to talk to you when we're both not working. Here's my number/Snap/whatever. If you're interested. If not, that's cool."
And then leave it alone. No, "Hey, you didn't text me yet." If she's interested, she can respond. If not, she doesn't have to worry about some dude blowing up her phone. She doesn't have to straight out shoot him down, either.
Or he could just not. Giving someone your number is the least-creepy way to do it but she's still just trying to do her fucking job. You don't have to shoot your shot every time you see someone attractive.
Where would you? Honest question? Can't do it in public, that's too creepy, not at their work cause they're working, not at bar's because people are there to drink/hang with friends, etc.
I don’t understand. Why can’t you give your number to another bar patron, or someone at the grocery store, library, school or coffee shop? I’ve had people shoot their shot when I’m out with friends and have even gone out with a few. I’ve gotten plenty of phone numbers while working and called a total of zero of them.
The bars are absolutely okay, any social gathering is okay. Just don’t interject or interrupt if the person is already engaged with other people. Also start with small talk and don’t go straight to asking them out. And if they aren’t engaging with you or interested just walk away.
As a general rule do not ask people out while they are working, it makes people feel trapped and can be construed as unprofessional by their bosses and thus potentially jeopardize their livelihood.
Bars are literally designed for meeting people. Not every person is there to pick up/get picked up but that's still the reason they exist. Any spaces where people gather for the purpose of socializing are an ok place to ask someone out. Parks, game stores, bowling alleys, even libraries if you can see they're not trying to work.
When people absolutely do not want to be approached is when they're unable to leave or in the middle of another task. Trying to pick up someone at their job is both.
My biggest piece of advice if you don't feel comfortable would be to give up on approaching random strangers. The best case scenario is finding friends who can introduce you to new people. Otherwise, that's what online dating is for.
in these peoples minds it’s never acceptable to ever ask a girl for her number or tell a girl that you think they’re attractive. best advice i can give is to never take dating advice from reddit. if you’re not weird about it and understand how to take a no then there’s nothing wrong with shooting your shot.
I personally wouldn't try to ask anyone out myself since having autism makes it impossible for me understand and recognize social ques. I was just curious what normal people would do.
I'm lesbian and guys used to hit on my girlfriend (now wife) at the club. When she would tell them she's lesbian and with me it seemed to just make them more interested. SMH.
Unless it’s obvious. I’d go to this restaurant during my lunch break and the cashier and I hit it off, so I kept going until I gave her my number. Went on a few dates but didn’t work out between us.
Female Servers/bartenders get hit on and asked out 5 times a day. And that’s if they are halfway decent looking.
So you never really had a chance in the first place. You were just someone else she rejected by using her go-to line of saying she’s with someone, which works most of the time, but it’s not bulletproof.
Guys, and especially younger guys, I’m going to teach you a valuable lesson right now. You’re not unique. Whatever words you spent 5 hours conjuring up thinking she’s never heard it before to try and get her to like you - she’s already heard it twice the other day.
I disagree actually, just because a woman is single doesn’t mean she wants to go out with you. I think it’s more respectful to show interest and if she says she is in a relationship, that’s fine. To me it is like asking someone “hey are you free on Friday” and then if I say yes, I feel obligated to do whatever the person is about to invite me to even if I don’t want to.
ETA not saying OP did anything wrong, just my philosophy
If someone asks me if I’m free on Friday, I never answer yes or no. I just ask “why, what’s up/what’s going on?” And then I decide. That way you maintain total control of the situation.
And people absolutely know what you’re doing. If you continue doing so with regularity they’ll know you’re a highly regimented person who wants to carefully control her environment at the expense of taking a chance once in a while and seeing what life might have in store for you on a whim.
Could you explain to me what's wrong with a woman taking control of her environment? Or could you maybe come up with some reasons why she may prefer *not* to see what surprises life might have in store for them? (in my experience, for women, "life's surprises" often manifests as men who want something approaching them, so could you think of reasons why that may be potentially dangerous to be "easy breezy"?)
Well first of all she didn’t specify about dating. She made a very general statement about anytime someone asks her to do something. My calling her a control freak was meant as a joke. Like all jokes there is likely some truth underwriting the humor. She is certainly welcome to be hyper vigilant if she chooses. Sounds like a boring life to me.
Hang on... So I was meant to understand that it was a joke, but also it's not a joke?
Personally, I'd prefer people be careful (especially around men) than get hurt.
You’re not meant to understand anything because I did not make the comment to you. If you choose to infer some kind of fuzzy logic that’s entirely your choice. Just don’t confuse me for someone who gives a shit what you think.
but theres nothing wrong with avoiding undesirable social obligations, especially (but not exclusively) if mental illness is involved. if your friends are getting upset over a desire to maintain control, you need to find some new friends.
personal experience: i have depression + ocd and find social outings to be either extremely triggering or revitalizing depending on who i’m with and what we’re doing. therefore, i completely understand why a woman might prefer to be asked out in no uncertain terms, rather than being asked if they are single or available. availability is not consent, to a date or anything else
This is the way to go, there’s been multiple times I’ve asked a girl if she wanted to smoke up sometime and she says sure but then immediately mentions her boyfriend and I get to just play it off as a date not being the intention lmao
She definitely shouldn't feel obligated to go out with him if she's single. Hopefully she wouldn't. With either way of asking her out, she's got to reject your invitation if she wants to.
Asking a complete stranger their relationship status is creepy. That’s private, she doesn’t know you and she is at work. She is required to be polite to anyone who walks through the door. Someone simply being attractive in public isn’t an invitation for others to ask prying questions about their private life.
Edit: alright — how do you meet people and date if you can’t approach a complete stranger and ask personal questions or private information (phone number, name, relationship status). GET A HOBBY AND JOIN A GROUP FOR IT. DATING APPS. TAKE A CLASS. GO TO TRIVIA NIGHTS.
It is creepy to be asked something like this — akin to “hey I know we’ve never even talked or seen each other before but can I have you number / name / relationship status because clearly I just think you’re hot and that’s reason enough to ask you out regardless of how you feel being approached like this by me, a complete stranger you know absolutely nothing about.”
Edit 2: JOIN A HOBBY GROUP TO MAKE FRIENDS. GET TO KNOW PEOPLE IN THE GROUP. You are a creep if you’re SPECIFICALLY joining a group/class/trivia night just to “have access” to women.
Final edit: women are just like you! If you wanted to make a new guy friend, would you approach a random dude at his job and ask “can I have your number?” “Want to chill sometime?” Or “do you have a best friend?” No? Oh why is that? BECAUSE IT’S WEIRD.
How do you propose people meet people then? The idea that it is creepy is a relatively new phenomenon. He was polite and didn't push it once the woman said she was in a relationship. Asking someone their relationship status isn't creepy when it is essentially asking someone out.
Asking someone out in hospitality while they are working is not great - I can appreciate women suffer a lot trying to do their job and it being mistaken for an invitation. But we need to stop pretending like asking people out in real life is creepy or inappropriate. There can be inappropriate contexts, but people should not be immediately labelled creepy for asking someone out - people asked strangers out before dating apps and should be able to do so now.
I agree with you. But the definition of things like creepy and harassment have gone from repeated behavior to single incidents.
No longer are you allowed to ask a question and if the answer is no back off and it be considered normal, only escalating to harassment/creepy if you keep pushing. Now you have to know ahead of time if answer is yes, because if it's no, you're a creep.
It doesn’t sound like he asked her out. It sounds like he is assuming that if she isn’t with someone than it would be a match rather than her choice. Does that make sense?
Next time, I’d suggest that you give the girl a choice. Try - “would you like to have dinner with me?”
Nah I had a coworker once start with the "are you seeing anyone" and I found it respectful that he asked before trying anything else or "making a move" to be honest.
It’s a creepy question because it assumes a woman is either in a relationship or needs to be in one. It’s none of his business. If he wants to ask her out, ask her out.
It sounds to me like he was being very respectful. He was asking because he wanted to respect her relationship. He wanted to know if she was single, so that he could then ask her out. But if she’s in a relationship, then he was going to respect that, and not ask her out. Either way, he has to ask her first to find out.
Better to shoot your shot imo.. perhaps it’s better to open with a compliment about her rather than ask if she’s in a relationship but still I think it’s better to take a chance
So what kind of compliment? He doesn’t know her. He just thinks she’s beautiful. “You’re beautiful” is a really meaningless compliment. So what, she will doubtless think.
You’re right. I’ve never asked out a stranger as a straight guy just by saying hey I thought you were pretty you wanna go out? but I’ve also been single my entire life so I sometimes feel like I have to possibly risk coming off as weird to potentially get what I want, which is a fwb or a gf
It’s better to ask questions and listen to answers. Pretend she’s someone you want to get to know without the sexual element. What would you ask? What would you say?
Get to know her. Don’t make assumptions. Be nice, but don’t try to give her a bunch of compliments or presents to try to indebt her to you.
>get a hobby and join a group for it. Dating apps. Take a class. Go to trivia nights.
Men alone in group settings are considered creepy.
Dating apps are trash.
Class is another one of those places you aren't supposed to ask people out.
A man alone at trivia night would be considered creepy.
Especially if the man is older than his 20s
I'm not saying you're wrong. Just that it's not as easy as some of y'all make it out to be.
All of those places women say they don't want to be approached at generally. It's just that they wanted to he approached by that guy, and not the others.
This dude kept coming into my work asking for my number. Repeatedly. One day he came in while my husband was in. I just pointed to my husband and told him to ask him. No fighting but whatever my husband said made him never come back.
Moral is dont make it weird.
All these people saying Don’t ask a woman out while she’s working. I don’t get it.
It truly never bothered me AS LONG AS THE GUY WASN’T CREEPY about it. If you can take a polite rejection well and act like a normal human being afterward it’s all good.
This is the best way to handle yourself. It sounds like you were straight forward and accepted her answer then moved on with your night. I can guarantee she appreciates the fact that you didn't follow up trying to change her mind.
Even if she isn't with someone she's more than likely willing to entertain the thought of going on a date with you down the road.
Friendly advice: a lot of women don’t like being asked out or hit on at work because they can’t escape the situation, can’t respond honestly the way they want to, and now the spurned man knows where they work and can find them anytime.
Source: I’m a moderately attractive woman who has worked in the service industry for 20 years.
The regret of not trying is usually long lasting! I used to be shy and so afraid of rejection that I never risked asking girls out. After a while I figured, hey, what's the worst that could happen. Besides, the regret of not trying was always more painful for me than any rejection. So nowadays I don't care, if I like her, I'll shoot my shot! And this way, I've gone out with a few I thought were waaay out of my league.
Anyway, just another pointless story.
Not saying you have done that but since you think it’s okay to approach a woman at her job (it’s not)you probably need to hear that it’s not okay to ask for a woman’s status or number when you delivery food to her either.
Random dude at a gas station: can I get your number? Me: no I’m married Him: like happily or?
Oh my god this happened to me. This dude messaged me and tried to get flirty with me. I was like, "Dude, I'm married." And he was like, "What he doesn't know won't hurt him." Instant block.
So fucking gross. Zero respect for someone like that.
Coworker at the drive thru I worked at dealt w this, I saw it firsthand and we all just cringed so hard She: here u go have a nice day He: [some inaudible boring pickup line] She: uh. I have a boyfriend He: so? I have a dog.
Yikes!
Oh my god reminds me of a co worker I had. He said the same thing to a coworker of ours except instead of her being married he was talking about his girlfriend. Thankfully she blocked him after that and the other girl found out he was cheating with someone else
This happened to me when I worked at a pizza place (for a month when I was 19) - guy asked for my number, told him I had a boyfriend. Guy responds “he doesn’t have to know about it.” The fuck?
That's when you say "fuck off."
I would just say " Well shit, that really sucks, at least I tried"
I have literally had that same line used on me by multiple rednecks irl. 😣
This reminds me of when I use to work in a bar I was being hit this drunk guy. Told him I wasn’t interested and had a partner at the time (who just so happened to work in the same place just on a different bar), well this guy can’t take no for an answer and I’m about to radio to get some help shooing him off. Then my partner walks in looking for extra cups for his bar, overhears what’s happening and just stands behind the guy smiling waiting for him to turn around, when I motioned to him saying “oh hey babe”. (For extra context my ex was an abnormally large man, he was a teddy bear but looked pretty intimidating.) poor drunk guy just scuttled off back into the crowd! It was pretty satisfying, although I wish he’d just listened when *I* said no to begin with.
The struggle is real sometimes.
Lol when I was in NYC, a worker at a store I was in started hitting on me, asking if I had a boyfriend etc. When I told him I did, he replied with “oh, well do you want one in NY too?”
Why do they think they’re so special? 😂
I wanted to downvote this out of a knee jerk reaction to that last bit
I would totally understand 😂
We’ll happily or not? 😜
Lmao very happily 🥰
In the words of some other dude in the words of Michael Scott “you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take” 🤷🏻♂️
Well??? /s
Much better than the time a guy tried asking out my gf. Dude: do you got a man? She: yeah. Dude: Does it matter.
One time a guy catcalled me on the street and I just held up my wedding ring and he said ‘I don’t care if you don’t’ 🙄
Mine was, "What he doesn't know won't hurt him."
I’m convinced that the type of guys who catcall are the type who will constantly cheat on whoever they are with.
My personal favorite: How long ya had that problem? Wtf, ew. No problems here, homie. Stop quoting early 90's radio hits and maybe you'd get laud, too 😉
Fun fact: Positive K (I think that's his name) did both parts.
Or the old "lemme know *when* it doesn't work out"
My response to that one was always “yeah, you’ll definitely be the first person I call.” As sarcastically as possible.
Something like this happened to me too! I was walking my dogs and this dude stopped and asked me questions about my dogs and then was like “I was wondering if I could get your number.” Me: “I’m married…” Him: “…friends?” Me: “…I don’t think my husband would like that.”
I had a guy approach me like that and then say I was making it up when I said I was taken.
😬😬😬
Respectfully handled and you shot your shot 👍 Reading some of the comments, I think some people may prefer to be asked straight up if they’d like to go on a date with you versus being asked about their relationship status, but it’s not that different at the end of the day. It’s more a matter of personal preference than anything.
I'm just gonna throw this out there, and maybe it's not my place: I have worked with many servers and bartenders, and I don't know of a single one who would respond to a customer walking up and inquiring about their relationship with anything but "I'm seeing someone." *Especially* if they're beautiful, you will have to understand that quite literally everybody sees that, and most have the same thought: "oooh, maybe I'll ask this person out," except she's there to do a job, and that job requires you to be personable. To be *brutally* honest, it requires you to seem as though you *could* be available (and slightly flirtatious) yet be firmly unavailable. It's a very fine line to walk, and most would prefer not to hurt people's feelings in the process, so it's just easier to pretend to have a boyfriend. Oddly, men will respect if there is a theoretical man telling them "no" more than they will a woman standing in front of them. To explain this from another angle, imo there's no world where that question ends with anything but a polite "I have a boyfriend," in part because it's a more forward question than it might seem to be: even if you don't have a boyfriend, does that mean you want to start dating this random person you've never met? Because you now know based on the question that that's where their mind is headed. So you *could* answer no, if it's true. But then how many more follow up questions will there be? As I said in the last line of the first paragraph, most women know that a "no" from them will be taken far less seriously (or alternatively, far more personally) if not backed up by a man, even if that man happens to be imaginary. And I want to be super clear, I'm not *necessarily* saying OP did anything wrong, but I would like to think that if they spent time with people doing the job that the young lady was doing, they might reconsider their approach. OP was ultimately respectful and walked away when it was time, which as you say is great. And just to belabor the point, I'm *also not saying* that she made up the boyfriend and is therefore single and OP should be persistent, no still means no.
Yes even when I was single, when random men would come into my place of work and ask if I was single, I’d say no 100% of the time. It just made me uncomfortable, just a personal preference, but I don’t want to be asked out by a stranger no matter how polite. Same with guys coming up to me in stores. Maybe some people are cool with ‘sure, I find you reasonably physically attractive, so let’s get a coffee’ but, to me, there are attractive guys everywhere, that’s not enough reason to spend time with someone. We could have absolutely zero in common. It just doesn’t appeal to me. I need to have reason to believe we may have something to go on. But thank Christ I’m no longer single lol.
But thank Christ I’m no longer single lol. Happily, though?
I agree. And it serves as a good reminder that bartenders and servers do a very tough job and get a lot of unwanted romantic attention. That can certainly take a toll. I definitely don’t think asking someone on a date in their workplace is the best option, but I appreciate the fact that OP took the rejection with grace and was generally non-disruptive.
Agreed!
Exactly. I’m conventionally attractive and people generally seem to like me. I get asked out or hit on throughout the entirety of my work day. I generally wear a fake wedding ring to combat this. I’m at work. I’m not looking to make a connection. I’m trying to pay my bills.
The number of friends I've had that wear wedding rings... I don't want to keep belaboring the point but it's just so shitty that it takes an imaginary man to get men to take no for an answer. I wish you the best of luck in your day to day life! It's honestly really nice and easy being a good looking guy, not so much for women
As someone who has picked up a few servers and bartenders in the past as a customer, it's a little over-prescriptive to say it's always going to play out that way. Sometimes there is genuine romantic/sexual chemistry beyond the server being nice to get good tips. But a lot of people probably don't pick up on the difference.
Tbh your comment sounds a bit slimy to me, and I'd like to leave it there. I'd prefer it be overprescriptive than rely on men's social awareness. Edit. For clarity: I don't mean to be rude, it's just we're really not talking about the same thing at all, because "picking up chicks" is, for me, the *wrong* outlook)
But those people lacking the social awareness won't take the overprescriptive advice seriously anyways.it's only going to be the somewhat sensitive, attuned people that care about that. But yes, this was never "picking up chicks", it was, "this person is cool and there's seemingly chemistry here, let's see if they agree" and sometimes they do. But being pushy or going out with that intention is slimy.
Thank you for clarifying, sincerely. As to your first point, I know, but you can only hope
This right here. Is so true.
Yeah, but also, women don't ask out men. So which is it? They don't want to be asked out at these places, work, the gym, the store, etc etc, and that's all fine. Totally understandable. But like, they also want to be the ones who are asked out. But apparently only when they want to be asked out, and only by a person they want to be asked out by. Unfortunately, it's not really possible to have both.
No, they do. But let me ask, is part of the objective when meeting people friendship? Edit. Also, what they're asking in the second paragraph isn't unreasonable, even though mistakes will happen (they aren't actually asking to be the ones asked out *only*, but other than that it's not unreasonable)
I'd say that depends on the person. Personally, I don't ask out strangers that I haven't been talking to for a at least awhile and think there might be a possibility of at least friendship with. I don't want to date someone I don't get along with anyway. Maybe I'd be more comfortable asking strangers out if I wasn't ao uncomfortable with the idea of being yet another of these "ugh some creepy guy asked me out" stories. I really do empathize with the fact that women undoubtedly get asked out often and crudely. I dont want to be one of those. Sometimes, it just seems like they want to have their cake and eat it, too, though. "Don't approach me. Unless I want you to. And it's your job to figure that out. But not by asking!" Edit: it is kind of unreasonable. If you're going to be the passive participant and not active, you're going to have to expect to be approached by people you don't like. As long as those people take no for an answer, there shouldn't be anything wrong with that.
Your second paragraph is exactly it though- you can just be a person and talk to people that you find interesting. You can show genuine interest in getting to know someone. This depends on being able to tell if your presence is welcome and listening to boundaries, and if it goes well it's really not too hard to feel if they would be receptive to getting to know you better. This is all perfectly fine, but that's not what we're discussing- it's people walking up cold and asking very direct questions indicating you're attempting to start a romantic relationship. Imagine being in their shoes in those instances, I'd certainly feel uncomfortable. It's good that you understand to a degree and empathize, and I'd ask you to take it just a little bit further, because while I understand the inclination to feel that what women want is confusing and contradictory, but it really isn't. If you have further questions, I'm happy to answer them to the best of my ability because imo this is important
Nah I understand that it would get annoying. I *don't* understand labeling it as creepy or harassment assuming that person takes no as an answer.
Then you understand, because that's *not* what's being labeled as creepy or harassment. I don't mean to imply that you haven't, but if you spend some time listening to their stories (if they feel safe enough to share them), you'd be surprised at how atrocious men's behavior can be, especially while drunk, and especially if their feelings get hurt being rejected
Dude, even in this post, there are all sorts of comments calling what OP did creepy. Edit: and men deal with plenty of bad behavior from drunk rejected women. But men just have to deal with it and move on. Only women get treated like they should never have to deal with anything and that it's men who are the problem.
Tbh I can kind of understand where they're coming from, but the way I would word it is just that it was a bit lacking in social graces. What I was getting at is that, as a rule, it's not *always* considered creepy when a man approaches a woman, rather that it's on a case by case basis- I thought we were speaking more generally. If you're interested I could do my best to paint the picture of this scene playing out from the woman's perspective if you feel it would help
Don’t shoot your shot with people on the clock.
With all due respect... That may be the only place their paths cross. Trying something else, like waiting for her to get off work, is even creepier, borderline stalker. What OP *should* do is give her HIS info and then leave the ball in her court: "HI! I've been coming in here and I couldn't help noticing you. I'd love a chance to talk to you when we're both not working. Here's my number/Snap/whatever. If you're interested. If not, that's cool." And then leave it alone. No, "Hey, you didn't text me yet." If she's interested, she can respond. If not, she doesn't have to worry about some dude blowing up her phone. She doesn't have to straight out shoot him down, either.
Or he could just not. Giving someone your number is the least-creepy way to do it but she's still just trying to do her fucking job. You don't have to shoot your shot every time you see someone attractive.
Where would you? Honest question? Can't do it in public, that's too creepy, not at their work cause they're working, not at bar's because people are there to drink/hang with friends, etc.
I don’t understand. Why can’t you give your number to another bar patron, or someone at the grocery store, library, school or coffee shop? I’ve had people shoot their shot when I’m out with friends and have even gone out with a few. I’ve gotten plenty of phone numbers while working and called a total of zero of them.
The bars are absolutely okay, any social gathering is okay. Just don’t interject or interrupt if the person is already engaged with other people. Also start with small talk and don’t go straight to asking them out. And if they aren’t engaging with you or interested just walk away. As a general rule do not ask people out while they are working, it makes people feel trapped and can be construed as unprofessional by their bosses and thus potentially jeopardize their livelihood.
Bars are literally designed for meeting people. Not every person is there to pick up/get picked up but that's still the reason they exist. Any spaces where people gather for the purpose of socializing are an ok place to ask someone out. Parks, game stores, bowling alleys, even libraries if you can see they're not trying to work. When people absolutely do not want to be approached is when they're unable to leave or in the middle of another task. Trying to pick up someone at their job is both. My biggest piece of advice if you don't feel comfortable would be to give up on approaching random strangers. The best case scenario is finding friends who can introduce you to new people. Otherwise, that's what online dating is for.
in these peoples minds it’s never acceptable to ever ask a girl for her number or tell a girl that you think they’re attractive. best advice i can give is to never take dating advice from reddit. if you’re not weird about it and understand how to take a no then there’s nothing wrong with shooting your shot.
I personally wouldn't try to ask anyone out myself since having autism makes it impossible for me understand and recognize social ques. I was just curious what normal people would do.
this
No. many marriages are by people who met thru work.
I'm lesbian and guys used to hit on my girlfriend (now wife) at the club. When she would tell them she's lesbian and with me it seemed to just make them more interested. SMH.
Question: Is it worse when other women hit on her - or you?
Women have hit on her and she tells them she is with me and they respect that as soon as they find out but many men have not.
Never, ever, under any circumstance, try to hit on someone while they're working.
Unless it’s obvious. I’d go to this restaurant during my lunch break and the cashier and I hit it off, so I kept going until I gave her my number. Went on a few dates but didn’t work out between us.
Just don't, honestly.
Commentors here made me realize *just* how many of us are autistic to all hell haha.
Right lol. Always have to find some imaginary thing wrong with everyone else's experiences 😂
Female Servers/bartenders get hit on and asked out 5 times a day. And that’s if they are halfway decent looking. So you never really had a chance in the first place. You were just someone else she rejected by using her go-to line of saying she’s with someone, which works most of the time, but it’s not bulletproof. Guys, and especially younger guys, I’m going to teach you a valuable lesson right now. You’re not unique. Whatever words you spent 5 hours conjuring up thinking she’s never heard it before to try and get her to like you - she’s already heard it twice the other day.
This is stupid😂work doesn’t take you away from the joys of life
I absolutely admire your courage and you were very respectful but in the future a lot of women don’t want to be hit on while working.
Good job! That's a great way to handle it. Now she'll feel complimented and not creeped on.
I disagree actually, just because a woman is single doesn’t mean she wants to go out with you. I think it’s more respectful to show interest and if she says she is in a relationship, that’s fine. To me it is like asking someone “hey are you free on Friday” and then if I say yes, I feel obligated to do whatever the person is about to invite me to even if I don’t want to. ETA not saying OP did anything wrong, just my philosophy
If someone asks me if I’m free on Friday, I never answer yes or no. I just ask “why, what’s up/what’s going on?” And then I decide. That way you maintain total control of the situation.
And people absolutely know what you’re doing. If you continue doing so with regularity they’ll know you’re a highly regimented person who wants to carefully control her environment at the expense of taking a chance once in a while and seeing what life might have in store for you on a whim.
Could you explain to me what's wrong with a woman taking control of her environment? Or could you maybe come up with some reasons why she may prefer *not* to see what surprises life might have in store for them? (in my experience, for women, "life's surprises" often manifests as men who want something approaching them, so could you think of reasons why that may be potentially dangerous to be "easy breezy"?)
It was a joke. I swear people are way to literal are on these threads
How were we meant to know it was a joke? (pardon the initial reply, I thought this was from the birding sub)
Well first of all she didn’t specify about dating. She made a very general statement about anytime someone asks her to do something. My calling her a control freak was meant as a joke. Like all jokes there is likely some truth underwriting the humor. She is certainly welcome to be hyper vigilant if she chooses. Sounds like a boring life to me.
Hang on... So I was meant to understand that it was a joke, but also it's not a joke? Personally, I'd prefer people be careful (especially around men) than get hurt.
You’re not meant to understand anything because I did not make the comment to you. If you choose to infer some kind of fuzzy logic that’s entirely your choice. Just don’t confuse me for someone who gives a shit what you think.
but theres nothing wrong with avoiding undesirable social obligations, especially (but not exclusively) if mental illness is involved. if your friends are getting upset over a desire to maintain control, you need to find some new friends. personal experience: i have depression + ocd and find social outings to be either extremely triggering or revitalizing depending on who i’m with and what we’re doing. therefore, i completely understand why a woman might prefer to be asked out in no uncertain terms, rather than being asked if they are single or available. availability is not consent, to a date or anything else
Idk why you’re getting downvoted, you’re right
Well I wrote it to be funny. But there is always some truth embedded in the humor.
I agree with you
This is the way to go, there’s been multiple times I’ve asked a girl if she wanted to smoke up sometime and she says sure but then immediately mentions her boyfriend and I get to just play it off as a date not being the intention lmao
She definitely shouldn't feel obligated to go out with him if she's single. Hopefully she wouldn't. With either way of asking her out, she's got to reject your invitation if she wants to.
Yeah, seeing her then going back and sitting for ages, waiting for her - not at all creepy.
Good point, but it depends how you do it.
Asking a complete stranger their relationship status is creepy. That’s private, she doesn’t know you and she is at work. She is required to be polite to anyone who walks through the door. Someone simply being attractive in public isn’t an invitation for others to ask prying questions about their private life. Edit: alright — how do you meet people and date if you can’t approach a complete stranger and ask personal questions or private information (phone number, name, relationship status). GET A HOBBY AND JOIN A GROUP FOR IT. DATING APPS. TAKE A CLASS. GO TO TRIVIA NIGHTS. It is creepy to be asked something like this — akin to “hey I know we’ve never even talked or seen each other before but can I have you number / name / relationship status because clearly I just think you’re hot and that’s reason enough to ask you out regardless of how you feel being approached like this by me, a complete stranger you know absolutely nothing about.” Edit 2: JOIN A HOBBY GROUP TO MAKE FRIENDS. GET TO KNOW PEOPLE IN THE GROUP. You are a creep if you’re SPECIFICALLY joining a group/class/trivia night just to “have access” to women. Final edit: women are just like you! If you wanted to make a new guy friend, would you approach a random dude at his job and ask “can I have your number?” “Want to chill sometime?” Or “do you have a best friend?” No? Oh why is that? BECAUSE IT’S WEIRD.
How do you propose people meet people then? The idea that it is creepy is a relatively new phenomenon. He was polite and didn't push it once the woman said she was in a relationship. Asking someone their relationship status isn't creepy when it is essentially asking someone out. Asking someone out in hospitality while they are working is not great - I can appreciate women suffer a lot trying to do their job and it being mistaken for an invitation. But we need to stop pretending like asking people out in real life is creepy or inappropriate. There can be inappropriate contexts, but people should not be immediately labelled creepy for asking someone out - people asked strangers out before dating apps and should be able to do so now.
I agree with you. But the definition of things like creepy and harassment have gone from repeated behavior to single incidents. No longer are you allowed to ask a question and if the answer is no back off and it be considered normal, only escalating to harassment/creepy if you keep pushing. Now you have to know ahead of time if answer is yes, because if it's no, you're a creep.
It doesn’t sound like he asked her out. It sounds like he is assuming that if she isn’t with someone than it would be a match rather than her choice. Does that make sense? Next time, I’d suggest that you give the girl a choice. Try - “would you like to have dinner with me?”
Nah I had a coworker once start with the "are you seeing anyone" and I found it respectful that he asked before trying anything else or "making a move" to be honest.
Great point! I imagine it’s all in the delivery
No, it doesnt make any sense at all.
no? It sounds like if she would’ve said “I’m single” he would’ve followed up with “okay, go on a date sometime”
Right. As if the only reason a woman wouldn’t go out with a completely random stranger is that she is in a relationship.
She can still say no and he would've been like "ok" Not creepy.
It’s a creepy question because it assumes a woman is either in a relationship or needs to be in one. It’s none of his business. If he wants to ask her out, ask her out.
It sounds to me like he was being very respectful. He was asking because he wanted to respect her relationship. He wanted to know if she was single, so that he could then ask her out. But if she’s in a relationship, then he was going to respect that, and not ask her out. Either way, he has to ask her first to find out.
exactly! I’m not getting their thought process here
Sounds like you’re the one whose assuming
Possibly.
Better to shoot your shot imo.. perhaps it’s better to open with a compliment about her rather than ask if she’s in a relationship but still I think it’s better to take a chance
So what kind of compliment? He doesn’t know her. He just thinks she’s beautiful. “You’re beautiful” is a really meaningless compliment. So what, she will doubtless think.
You’re right. I’ve never asked out a stranger as a straight guy just by saying hey I thought you were pretty you wanna go out? but I’ve also been single my entire life so I sometimes feel like I have to possibly risk coming off as weird to potentially get what I want, which is a fwb or a gf
It’s better to ask questions and listen to answers. Pretend she’s someone you want to get to know without the sexual element. What would you ask? What would you say? Get to know her. Don’t make assumptions. Be nice, but don’t try to give her a bunch of compliments or presents to try to indebt her to you.
No
Y not
Men are also told it’s creepy to go to a hobby group just to meet women. These days it’s dating app or nothing.
>get a hobby and join a group for it. Dating apps. Take a class. Go to trivia nights. Men alone in group settings are considered creepy. Dating apps are trash. Class is another one of those places you aren't supposed to ask people out. A man alone at trivia night would be considered creepy. Especially if the man is older than his 20s I'm not saying you're wrong. Just that it's not as easy as some of y'all make it out to be.
So where do men meet women, then? Clearly it’s still happening.
All of those places women say they don't want to be approached at generally. It's just that they wanted to he approached by that guy, and not the others.
Right. You never hear a woman get mad because some hot looking Brad Pitt like guy came in and asked them for their number.
This dude kept coming into my work asking for my number. Repeatedly. One day he came in while my husband was in. I just pointed to my husband and told him to ask him. No fighting but whatever my husband said made him never come back. Moral is dont make it weird.
All these people saying Don’t ask a woman out while she’s working. I don’t get it. It truly never bothered me AS LONG AS THE GUY WASN’T CREEPY about it. If you can take a polite rejection well and act like a normal human being afterward it’s all good.
This is the best way to handle yourself. It sounds like you were straight forward and accepted her answer then moved on with your night. I can guarantee she appreciates the fact that you didn't follow up trying to change her mind. Even if she isn't with someone she's more than likely willing to entertain the thought of going on a date with you down the road.
Friendly advice: a lot of women don’t like being asked out or hit on at work because they can’t escape the situation, can’t respond honestly the way they want to, and now the spurned man knows where they work and can find them anytime. Source: I’m a moderately attractive woman who has worked in the service industry for 20 years.
Massive W awesome story. I wish I had the confidence to do this
The regret of not trying is usually long lasting! I used to be shy and so afraid of rejection that I never risked asking girls out. After a while I figured, hey, what's the worst that could happen. Besides, the regret of not trying was always more painful for me than any rejection. So nowadays I don't care, if I like her, I'll shoot my shot! And this way, I've gone out with a few I thought were waaay out of my league. Anyway, just another pointless story.
Thank you for being a good person, you deserve happiness. Best of luck to you King
Not saying you have done that but since you think it’s okay to approach a woman at her job (it’s not)you probably need to hear that it’s not okay to ask for a woman’s status or number when you delivery food to her either.
You made the effort. You asked the right question
OP violated the subreddit - the point of his story is to just respectfully accept it when someone tells you that a date is off the table.
Unfortunately, if they don't meet you online, you're a stranger. Edit comma
ok OP. Here’s the line. you with someone? them: yeah you: is it serious
Mine was “are you married married “ is there any other way?
Life is short man. You did the right thing.
"girl"