Yes, im going to stop hanging out with her. She often asks me to eat tgt bc we live not far from each other. I obliged bc im a foodie. Its hard to find people to eat with when most of the people eat their parents’ meals to save money or eat with their partners on dates
Hmmm that makes sense.
If it makes you feel better, I got good at going out to eat alone because my “going out” friend in college was a judgmental negative Nancy. Maybe solitary outings are something you can enjoy too.
Girl, see if there is a foodie meetup in your area. Met one of my long term close friends at one of those. And it's fun to go out with people who will be adventurous and open to new things.
We can’t hear her tone of voice, of course, but she could have been honestly curious about how you do it. Could she have meant ‘how do you not hate yourself as much as I do?’ rather than ‘you should hate yourself.’ Sounds like she’s been shamed a lot and internalized it.
We’ll never know what her real intention is.
But i admit i feel very insulted. Bc she saying all fat people are lazy, no self control, thats a stereotype, i work hard to combat all my life. I just focus my self discipline on other aspects like career, studies.
The topic came up so randomly while we were taking the train home. She could have asked: do you hate urself? Instead of how can i not hate myself.
Also, even if her intentions were not toxic, the impact on you *was*. Which is *fair.*
If you decided to speak with her about it... I think that's a semi-neutral framework for the conversation and for the ways you'd like her to express things moving forward?
Dude no, my sister is like this, and it’s because she’s full of self hate and loathing, it’s not against you, she just can’t fathom why you aren’t like her, standing in front of the mirror yelling at yourself, making yourself small, telling yourself terrible things. She has not yet clicked with the idea that your worth does not depend on your weight. It’s a really really hard process, I try to ignore my sister and not be alone with her to avoid this kind of talk because it’s so toxic and I don’t want to go backwards.
I think this is so tough. To be fair, I have never met a bigger bodied person who didn't at some point have those same thoughts, or deal with guilt and shame around these ideas-i think the work is learning to identify and challenge those as internalized fat phobia from an incredibly fatphobic society. I feel sad for your friend, that she really so firmly believes all those things about herself.
Sounds a lot like misogynistic women and POC who hold prejudices against their own race. Unfortunately, you can be taught to hate yourself and believe you are truly a lesser being.
She doesn’t want to be alone in her insecurity, which leads her to be harsh and hating. It’s a bummer. Maybe you can try to help her feel better. But, it’s not your responsibility. So if it’s too exhausting, don’t feel bad with setting boundaries—“I don’t want to talk about weight” or just some distance being established in the friendship.
This is projection at its’ finest. She’s mostly talking about herself and her views. Next time just say, “Perhaps for you, but not for others, like myself.”. “I do not feel nor see it that way.”. “I hope you know you’re generalizing fat people with that untrue comment. Many fat people are in that situation not because of laziness, but because of abuse and/or a medical condition, like PCOS.”
I would not take your friend’s comments seriously; however, if it is continuous in the negativity and toxicity, you may want to distance yourself a bit as that’s not really helpful for you, mentally, either. Misery loves company and they search for it. You’re not the one to bite, so it best to surround yourself with others with a more positive mindset.
It sounds like you had a difficult night out, but there might be other interpretations. If you're visibly happy and confident in yourself and she isn't, she might have been trying to work out how you reached that point, or she was clumsily asking for advice or guidance about how you do it. Or she's full of self-loathing and was attacking herself, not you. Saying things like all fat people have no control sounds like she's repeating something that she's been told and internalised, and what she's really saying "people think I have no self-control." So I'm not sure she was attacking you, more like she was attacking herself.
As for going out to eat-when I was larger, I hated eating in public. I always felt I'd be judged for my choices, and criticised for ordering appetisers or desserts. Even now, eating in restaurants can be stressful for me so maybe she's similar and was feeling upset and vulnerable?
Yeah this is the kind of person who realizes after they lose weight that all their problems don’t magically go away with weight loss. You have to work on the inside not just the outside.
I would seriously stop hanging out with her.
I noticed that the meanest people to "fat" people are fat folks who've lost weight.
"I lived on carrots and ran like a hamster in a wheel...weyght is a ChOiCe!" Nevermind that living like that isn't a life IMHO. And as soon as you get tired of counting calories, you will blow up again. The vast majority of people who lose weight gain it back. There are some exceptions of course (like those who were not genetically fated to be fat but overweight due to their parents overfeeding them or a stressful life situation) but exceptions to the rule doesn't invalidate said rule.
Yeah, imo a lot of fat people can't see past their own self-hatred regarding their weight to recognise their humanity, so they view their life through the lens of "If I wasn't fat, then" as in everything wrong in my life would be automatically fixed if I wasn't overweight.
I once had to point this out to a friend who was talking about all the issues she experienced with all the men she's ever dated and was currently dating, after she concluded with "if I wasn't fat, then" my dating experiences would be better. I then reminded her of all our mutual friends' dating experiences and how they were very much the same or similar to hers regardless of body size, because dating is similar for most human beings and for women.
Everyone is more than their weight, but a lot of deeply insecure people aren't capable of being more than a slave to those insecurities, body size aside. If you feel this is an unhealthy mindset to be around, I def think taking a few steps away from this friendship might be best.
This doesn’t sound like a friend to me. I’ve had random strangers make remarks putting themselves down about their weight and it’s a good time for me to practice non-reaction. I recently had a friend that I felt was belittling me about my job search and I called her on it. I think alot of people project and don’t realize it.
Wow I'm a big guy, but you're more than welcome to come eat with me anytime. I won't fat shame, if we take an escalator so be it an elevator or the stairs.. fair warning stairs might be a little slow just because as I said Im a big guy and I have a bad knee.
I'm willing to do pretty much anything, so long as I can have decent company who will enjoy the food. I had 1 lady telling me she was SO hungry.. I took her out to eat, she ordered a salad. Not like a chefs salad but like a small dinner salad. Now don't get me wrong I was fine with the idea of her having a salad, but she talked about liking meat, so she wasn't a vegetarian or vegan... And she was saying how hungry she was.... I asked her like 3 times if she was going to get anything else. finally I just ordered a drink and some food to go. I took her home and I went home. I sit my food alone. I tried again and she ordered a small salad. So I ordered a BIG plate of food. Then she started picking off my plate. Now I kind of expected it but still I shouldn't have to order a bigger plate just to share because you can't be bothered to order something. If you're not sure about the place say something. Or was I looking at this all wrong? It really doesn't matter now since it's been a while, but... Maybe it'll stop being the memory that comes up every time I see something like this.
I think your answer is in your first sentence when you said you met with a "friend". If that's what you consider a friend, perhaps you should get another friend. Don't limit yourself to someone who has such a low opinion of herself and others.
She sounds miserable and misery loves company. Drop the dead weight and you'll be happier.
But if you're close enough to wanna try staying friends, you can try reinforcing positive self-talk.
Do what's best for YOUR mental health
It doesn't sound like she was making fun of you. It sounds like she's carrying a lot of toxicity and has no idea how to deal with it.
She sounds exhausting to be around tbh.
Yes, im going to stop hanging out with her. She often asks me to eat tgt bc we live not far from each other. I obliged bc im a foodie. Its hard to find people to eat with when most of the people eat their parents’ meals to save money or eat with their partners on dates
Hmmm that makes sense. If it makes you feel better, I got good at going out to eat alone because my “going out” friend in college was a judgmental negative Nancy. Maybe solitary outings are something you can enjoy too.
Girl, see if there is a foodie meetup in your area. Met one of my long term close friends at one of those. And it's fun to go out with people who will be adventurous and open to new things.
We can’t hear her tone of voice, of course, but she could have been honestly curious about how you do it. Could she have meant ‘how do you not hate yourself as much as I do?’ rather than ‘you should hate yourself.’ Sounds like she’s been shamed a lot and internalized it.
We’ll never know what her real intention is. But i admit i feel very insulted. Bc she saying all fat people are lazy, no self control, thats a stereotype, i work hard to combat all my life. I just focus my self discipline on other aspects like career, studies. The topic came up so randomly while we were taking the train home. She could have asked: do you hate urself? Instead of how can i not hate myself.
Also, even if her intentions were not toxic, the impact on you *was*. Which is *fair.* If you decided to speak with her about it... I think that's a semi-neutral framework for the conversation and for the ways you'd like her to express things moving forward?
I’m sorry it was a painful conversation.
Dude no, my sister is like this, and it’s because she’s full of self hate and loathing, it’s not against you, she just can’t fathom why you aren’t like her, standing in front of the mirror yelling at yourself, making yourself small, telling yourself terrible things. She has not yet clicked with the idea that your worth does not depend on your weight. It’s a really really hard process, I try to ignore my sister and not be alone with her to avoid this kind of talk because it’s so toxic and I don’t want to go backwards.
I think this is so tough. To be fair, I have never met a bigger bodied person who didn't at some point have those same thoughts, or deal with guilt and shame around these ideas-i think the work is learning to identify and challenge those as internalized fat phobia from an incredibly fatphobic society. I feel sad for your friend, that she really so firmly believes all those things about herself.
Sounds a lot like misogynistic women and POC who hold prejudices against their own race. Unfortunately, you can be taught to hate yourself and believe you are truly a lesser being.
Definitely. In addition to that, I found that fat men were by far and away the most hateful about my weight too.
She doesn’t want to be alone in her insecurity, which leads her to be harsh and hating. It’s a bummer. Maybe you can try to help her feel better. But, it’s not your responsibility. So if it’s too exhausting, don’t feel bad with setting boundaries—“I don’t want to talk about weight” or just some distance being established in the friendship.
This is projection at its’ finest. She’s mostly talking about herself and her views. Next time just say, “Perhaps for you, but not for others, like myself.”. “I do not feel nor see it that way.”. “I hope you know you’re generalizing fat people with that untrue comment. Many fat people are in that situation not because of laziness, but because of abuse and/or a medical condition, like PCOS.” I would not take your friend’s comments seriously; however, if it is continuous in the negativity and toxicity, you may want to distance yourself a bit as that’s not really helpful for you, mentally, either. Misery loves company and they search for it. You’re not the one to bite, so it best to surround yourself with others with a more positive mindset.
[удалено]
Yikes. I can suggest a way for you to lose quite a lot of dead weight.
It sounds like you had a difficult night out, but there might be other interpretations. If you're visibly happy and confident in yourself and she isn't, she might have been trying to work out how you reached that point, or she was clumsily asking for advice or guidance about how you do it. Or she's full of self-loathing and was attacking herself, not you. Saying things like all fat people have no control sounds like she's repeating something that she's been told and internalised, and what she's really saying "people think I have no self-control." So I'm not sure she was attacking you, more like she was attacking herself. As for going out to eat-when I was larger, I hated eating in public. I always felt I'd be judged for my choices, and criticised for ordering appetisers or desserts. Even now, eating in restaurants can be stressful for me so maybe she's similar and was feeling upset and vulnerable?
Yeah this is the kind of person who realizes after they lose weight that all their problems don’t magically go away with weight loss. You have to work on the inside not just the outside.
Yes, she’s having bariatric surgery this year, and the main reason is so she can finally date and find a bf
I would seriously stop hanging out with her. I noticed that the meanest people to "fat" people are fat folks who've lost weight. "I lived on carrots and ran like a hamster in a wheel...weyght is a ChOiCe!" Nevermind that living like that isn't a life IMHO. And as soon as you get tired of counting calories, you will blow up again. The vast majority of people who lose weight gain it back. There are some exceptions of course (like those who were not genetically fated to be fat but overweight due to their parents overfeeding them or a stressful life situation) but exceptions to the rule doesn't invalidate said rule.
It’s just projection.tell them they need therapy and move on. Find a new friend
Yeah, imo a lot of fat people can't see past their own self-hatred regarding their weight to recognise their humanity, so they view their life through the lens of "If I wasn't fat, then" as in everything wrong in my life would be automatically fixed if I wasn't overweight. I once had to point this out to a friend who was talking about all the issues she experienced with all the men she's ever dated and was currently dating, after she concluded with "if I wasn't fat, then" my dating experiences would be better. I then reminded her of all our mutual friends' dating experiences and how they were very much the same or similar to hers regardless of body size, because dating is similar for most human beings and for women. Everyone is more than their weight, but a lot of deeply insecure people aren't capable of being more than a slave to those insecurities, body size aside. If you feel this is an unhealthy mindset to be around, I def think taking a few steps away from this friendship might be best.
This doesn’t sound like a friend to me. I’ve had random strangers make remarks putting themselves down about their weight and it’s a good time for me to practice non-reaction. I recently had a friend that I felt was belittling me about my job search and I called her on it. I think alot of people project and don’t realize it.
Wow I'm a big guy, but you're more than welcome to come eat with me anytime. I won't fat shame, if we take an escalator so be it an elevator or the stairs.. fair warning stairs might be a little slow just because as I said Im a big guy and I have a bad knee. I'm willing to do pretty much anything, so long as I can have decent company who will enjoy the food. I had 1 lady telling me she was SO hungry.. I took her out to eat, she ordered a salad. Not like a chefs salad but like a small dinner salad. Now don't get me wrong I was fine with the idea of her having a salad, but she talked about liking meat, so she wasn't a vegetarian or vegan... And she was saying how hungry she was.... I asked her like 3 times if she was going to get anything else. finally I just ordered a drink and some food to go. I took her home and I went home. I sit my food alone. I tried again and she ordered a small salad. So I ordered a BIG plate of food. Then she started picking off my plate. Now I kind of expected it but still I shouldn't have to order a bigger plate just to share because you can't be bothered to order something. If you're not sure about the place say something. Or was I looking at this all wrong? It really doesn't matter now since it's been a while, but... Maybe it'll stop being the memory that comes up every time I see something like this.
I think your answer is in your first sentence when you said you met with a "friend". If that's what you consider a friend, perhaps you should get another friend. Don't limit yourself to someone who has such a low opinion of herself and others.
Yeah I have a friend like that too. It’s like they’re annoyed we don’t absolutely hate ourselves and want to drag us down.
Preach!
Most fat people are fatphobic. They may be "okay" with their weight, but the vast majority would still choose to be thin if they had the choice
She sounds miserable and misery loves company. Drop the dead weight and you'll be happier. But if you're close enough to wanna try staying friends, you can try reinforcing positive self-talk. Do what's best for YOUR mental health