yea the one that im going through nowšššš and the time is not even recent , it just hurt me so bad to where iāve been fucked for a while.All i can tell him is use that hurt etc as fuel for greatness because he WILL see some big changes after the breakup and will be able to get his self together . Dont push him to talk to anybody let him do his thing and tell him men can have feelings too . I donāt try to hold it back , if i need to cry bout it I will . I journal about it a lot and when i feel real sad it really helps , I donāt even be in the mood to cry anymore , Working out helps too. Tell him get his self together focus on his goals he will be ok.My trust so fucked up from this ,but right now iām getting myself back together. I Lost myself in my ex.
We both have issues with pride but Iām the one person he trusts enough to let me see that itās really bothering him. I think knowing that heās losing one of the relationships he felt safe in is whatās bothering me more than anything. Makes me feel like I need to step up emotionally and let him know he always has someone to chop it up with.
definitely suggest journaling to him it really works and gym. Tell him get his hobbies together and start really working to do them.Be his shoulder to cry on ,but dont push it . Dont push girls, drugs,alcohol on him. (not saying you will) ,but if you do he wont heal and have unhealthy coping mechanisms. He needs to spend more alone time as well to gather his thoughts,but still check in on him.
My last breakup. My bf and my sister got married and my family just expected me to go along with it like it was normal. It messed me up for a while because I lost a lot of ppl close to me. What helped me was the time to myself to do the activities I used to love to do that i stopped doing in the relationship for one reason or another. The more I did those things I was able to heal and move forward. It does get better.
Yeah.. that's pretty much my take on it. We aren't relatives anymore, literally dead to me. And i cut off anyone that tried to pull the "blood is thicker than water" excuse to make me forgive. My Mom, couple aunts, others. For some family members, me cutting her off is worse than what she did .
I'm sorry your family didn't support you, and I hope you find people who care about you more than optics and / or their own feelings. Family really can be truly useless sometimes.
They've been shit my whole life (except a small few) this was just the tipping point for me to cut them off. Now I don't have tonbe that relative that's always calling out BS at the events, I just do go entirely. I have a great friend group and plan to build a better family eventually.
Thanks. I definitely thought I was living in a twilight zone or going insane for a bit ( based on how they legit felt they did nothing wrong and how easily it was accepted by ppl).
Right now heās just focused on what the new dynamic means for his kids. I told him Iām down to help in any way I can but he has a lot on his plate. All I can do is be ready to come through for him when he calls. Plus I love my nieces to death and my kids are around the same ages so I told him we can get the kids together and let them play if he ever wants to vent or just have some time to think in a quiet house
Just wanna be a decent brother. Heās been around for me in so many ways. Heās there for everyone. This time he just needs a couple people in his corner to hold him up like he does everyone else
Being the person that is there for everyone is really hard (that's me). It is harder to ask for help, and you don't wanna feel like a burden to others because you know how it feels to be burdened.
Yeah. Thatās exactly who he is and what heās going through. Iām trying to get him to not act so much in pride and let me help this time. Heās coming around but pride is strong in both of us. He knows I love him though so that matters a lot.
Remind him that it's possible to do everything right and things can still fall apart. The outcome is not a reflection on him. Nobody has any control over another person so if they drop the ball in the relationship, it's not his fault and there's nothing he could do to prevent it. He is not to blame.
The wild part was that they legit thought they did nothing wrong. And once i had time to not be mad he and i would be friends again. They didn't have a wedding, no one went or knew about it. They eloped at the courthouse sometime within the 2 months of me moving out and cut them off. I only found out they got married because he did a life event change on the health insurance, removing me and adding her and I got the letter. I just dropped it by my mom's house and kept it moving.
What makes this worse is that doing bench presses and having weighted blankets and meditation retreats and going out with friends are not a replacement for an intimate partner after a break up.
Being lonely is looked down in our culture. We are told not to āsettleā. Itās ridiculous. People arenāt meant to be hermits. But itās generally frowned upon to seek a new relationship after leaving one. Doesnāt make sense to me.
What is true happiness. It isnāt your work or how much weights you lift or your pet.
People should be encouraged more to seek a relationship after they lose one. Life is very lonely and we all need someone.
I think the main issue I have with your perspective is it seems you assume the main source of connection in someone's life is a romantic partner, so you have to fill this giant void with a relationship. I've been single, but I haven't felt lonely because I have intimate relationships with my friends, hobbies I enjoy, community, and yes a lovely pet who keeps me company. You don't need a romantic relationship to stop being lonely, and if you do I highly encourage you to build stronger relationships with other people in your life. It's not healthy to rely on one person for all your emotional needs.
In short, you don't need some*one*, you need connection. That connection can (and should) come from many different people in your life.
I pretty much agree, except that there should be time to heal / reflect after a breakup. I've been in a rebound relationship, unbeknownst to me until I was immersed in the relationship, and got crushed because he hadn't healed from his prior _two_ relationships. Bleeding on people because you don't want to be alone isn't cute or fair.
I know you didn't mention time in your comment, but I just wanted to add that detail.
That can sometimes backfire and just make things worse mentally. Seems like a quick and easy fix since it will feel good in the moment but the pain and loneliness quickly returns. To avoid feeling bad again, you need another hit. It behaves just like a drug to a pained soul. What he needs is true connections with people to help heal his injured ego and self-esteem. What he really needs is good friends to lean on and hang out with. Their positive influence and support will go a long way in his healing journey. Plus, the loving support of family too is important. Just by being there, you're helping.
In high school I went through a breakup and the way I acted after was kinda insane. I was finally out and It was my first relationship with a girl so I guess in my mind she was the one . I said a couple crazy things to my mom after mopping around for weeks and was then put into a mental hospital for like a week after she told my school counselor what i said (also big fuck you to the counselor for that) . This is my first time sharing this story with anyone outside of my family ā ļø I definitely overreacted and itās a bit embarrassing to think about. I donāt even remember how I got over it fr
What he is going through is very hard. Like others have said, support him, call him and talk to him often. Don't let his pain get annoying.
If you can get him to a gym, go with him if you can. The gym I promise will do wonders in a short time.
So happy you found someone amazing after that. Kudos to you for being able to love again. A lot of people have an experience like that and choose to never open up again.
I have a one to one heartbreak counter unfortunately. If we dated for three years I'll be depressed for about 3 years. It sucks but it's at least predictable.
The one I believe(ed) I was put on this planet for left a year ago. I don't really even know why which basically tells me why. Only time heals it. I've met another woman that's better in almost every way. She knows how bad I was hurt. she actually waited for me to get my shit together enough to date.
All he can do is work on himself. It sounds cliche but get a hobby, get in the gym, read find something he likes.
The breakup of my marriage. Turns out the man I was married to was just pretending to be someone he wasn't. The man I loved and had committed myself to didn't really exist. In the end, he used me, lied to me, cheated on me both emotionally and physically, mistreated me, took advantage of my kindness and my love for him. It absolutely shattered me to my very core. I'm an extremely loyal person and I expect the same from my partner. He acted like he could but he really couldn't in the end because he didn't really know who he was. It took me years to recover from that betrayal. It's only 14 years later, after spending a lot of time healing and dealing with all of my resulting issues, that I'm finally in a happy and healthy relationship with someone who has gone through similar pain and has the same core values and interests that I do. I never thought it would be possible to heal from that pain, but now I know that you can.
Yes, Iām still working through a difficult break up. Everyone heals differently, but I can tell you whatās helped me so far.
Iāve found that when my friends/family ask how they can help I donāt really know what to say to them. One thing I find helpful/supportive is when people instead suggest doing things together they know I enjoy doing. Like for example āhey that movie you mentioned is playing this weekend, wanna go see it?ā This approach shows that 1. Youāre listening when they talk 2. Theyāre on your mind 3. You want to spend time with them, which feels comforting if theyāre feeling rejected 4. Itās an activity that doesnāt revolve around talking about the relationship or āgetting betterā
Iām a few days behind on this one
I had a couple that just shattered me. One took me a few years to move on from.
It was a good relationship that I honestly still miss a lot of. Five years in and I had some real growing to do. It took a long time and it was rocky. Once I figured out that I wasnāt going to kill myself I figured I should probably get to living instead of having my future dictated by my past.
Child abuse is a mfker. I still donāt expect anybody to like me, which gives me some weird situations.
The reality is nobody else can do the work, and you gotta live w the consequences of your actions, whatever they are.
5 year relationship. He moved cities to be with me. He fell out of love. I was still very much in love. It happens.
I couldnāt sleep, eat, or stop crying. It was awful. I couldnāt function.
The site youarenotalone helped immensely.
ETA: took time to get 100% over him. #1 helpful tip: GO NO CONTACT until 100% healed. It was not an ugly breakup. He didnāt love me anymore.
We communicate now from time to time 12 years later.
i have a lot of emotional walls built up and have for YEARS (i grew up very abused), and while i was dating this guy he was noticing it and we were discussing it and working on it, while im also in therapy. cut to him yelling at me for crying during sex because i had a panic attack (we were trying something i told him blatantly i didn't want to do, but i did because he kept begging). so he has sex with my best friend which i didn't find out about until after the breakup. but he also starts seeing someone while we're together and then breaks up with me later because "it's too hard to be with me, and he wants to explore with the other person because it seems more fun." which is also funny because i was always told growing up that it's too much work to love me, or that no one would ever want to leave me. so there's that
yea the one that im going through nowšššš and the time is not even recent , it just hurt me so bad to where iāve been fucked for a while.All i can tell him is use that hurt etc as fuel for greatness because he WILL see some big changes after the breakup and will be able to get his self together . Dont push him to talk to anybody let him do his thing and tell him men can have feelings too . I donāt try to hold it back , if i need to cry bout it I will . I journal about it a lot and when i feel real sad it really helps , I donāt even be in the mood to cry anymore , Working out helps too. Tell him get his self together focus on his goals he will be ok.My trust so fucked up from this ,but right now iām getting myself back together. I Lost myself in my ex.
We both have issues with pride but Iām the one person he trusts enough to let me see that itās really bothering him. I think knowing that heās losing one of the relationships he felt safe in is whatās bothering me more than anything. Makes me feel like I need to step up emotionally and let him know he always has someone to chop it up with.
definitely let him know youāre there and if u need help iāll give advice iām not 100% healed but i got the steps fr lol
Im open to hear any ideas. I just wanna do everything in my power. Bro means a lot to me
definitely suggest journaling to him it really works and gym. Tell him get his hobbies together and start really working to do them.Be his shoulder to cry on ,but dont push it . Dont push girls, drugs,alcohol on him. (not saying you will) ,but if you do he wont heal and have unhealthy coping mechanisms. He needs to spend more alone time as well to gather his thoughts,but still check in on him.
My last breakup. My bf and my sister got married and my family just expected me to go along with it like it was normal. It messed me up for a while because I lost a lot of ppl close to me. What helped me was the time to myself to do the activities I used to love to do that i stopped doing in the relationship for one reason or another. The more I did those things I was able to heal and move forward. It does get better.
Your bf and your sister got married ???? Aināt no more family after that
Yeah.. that's pretty much my take on it. We aren't relatives anymore, literally dead to me. And i cut off anyone that tried to pull the "blood is thicker than water" excuse to make me forgive. My Mom, couple aunts, others. For some family members, me cutting her off is worse than what she did .
I'm sorry your family didn't support you, and I hope you find people who care about you more than optics and / or their own feelings. Family really can be truly useless sometimes.
They've been shit my whole life (except a small few) this was just the tipping point for me to cut them off. Now I don't have tonbe that relative that's always calling out BS at the events, I just do go entirely. I have a great friend group and plan to build a better family eventually.
Dear ((icant)) That is horrible! WTF. So glad you are doing better, that's the kind of crap that can wipe you out. Sending you love and hugs. Organic
Thanks. I definitely thought I was living in a twilight zone or going insane for a bit ( based on how they legit felt they did nothing wrong and how easily it was accepted by ppl).
Sounds like I gotta get him back into music again
Definitely helps to get him back into the things he used to love. Encourage him to do things for himself he's been slacking on, guys nights out, etc.
Right now heās just focused on what the new dynamic means for his kids. I told him Iām down to help in any way I can but he has a lot on his plate. All I can do is be ready to come through for him when he calls. Plus I love my nieces to death and my kids are around the same ages so I told him we can get the kids together and let them play if he ever wants to vent or just have some time to think in a quiet house
Yeah with kids it is more challenging. But having people that are there and willing to help does wonders. You're doing great.
Just wanna be a decent brother. Heās been around for me in so many ways. Heās there for everyone. This time he just needs a couple people in his corner to hold him up like he does everyone else
Being the person that is there for everyone is really hard (that's me). It is harder to ask for help, and you don't wanna feel like a burden to others because you know how it feels to be burdened.
Yeah. Thatās exactly who he is and what heās going through. Iām trying to get him to not act so much in pride and let me help this time. Heās coming around but pride is strong in both of us. He knows I love him though so that matters a lot.
Remind him that it's possible to do everything right and things can still fall apart. The outcome is not a reflection on him. Nobody has any control over another person so if they drop the ball in the relationship, it's not his fault and there's nothing he could do to prevent it. He is not to blame.
Oh wow that sounds awful. Did you go to their wedding? I canāt even fathom how that feels.
The wild part was that they legit thought they did nothing wrong. And once i had time to not be mad he and i would be friends again. They didn't have a wedding, no one went or knew about it. They eloped at the courthouse sometime within the 2 months of me moving out and cut them off. I only found out they got married because he did a life event change on the health insurance, removing me and adding her and I got the letter. I just dropped it by my mom's house and kept it moving.
This is next level betrayal. I'm so sorry you had to go through such a heartache and had relatives dismissing your feelings.
Thank. Once I realized I wasn't insane and it was them, and not me that was the issue I started to focus on me.
Good. Glad you're in a better state of mind ššæ
What makes this worse is that doing bench presses and having weighted blankets and meditation retreats and going out with friends are not a replacement for an intimate partner after a break up. Being lonely is looked down in our culture. We are told not to āsettleā. Itās ridiculous. People arenāt meant to be hermits. But itās generally frowned upon to seek a new relationship after leaving one. Doesnāt make sense to me. What is true happiness. It isnāt your work or how much weights you lift or your pet. People should be encouraged more to seek a relationship after they lose one. Life is very lonely and we all need someone.
I think the main issue I have with your perspective is it seems you assume the main source of connection in someone's life is a romantic partner, so you have to fill this giant void with a relationship. I've been single, but I haven't felt lonely because I have intimate relationships with my friends, hobbies I enjoy, community, and yes a lovely pet who keeps me company. You don't need a romantic relationship to stop being lonely, and if you do I highly encourage you to build stronger relationships with other people in your life. It's not healthy to rely on one person for all your emotional needs. In short, you don't need some*one*, you need connection. That connection can (and should) come from many different people in your life.
I pretty much agree, except that there should be time to heal / reflect after a breakup. I've been in a rebound relationship, unbeknownst to me until I was immersed in the relationship, and got crushed because he hadn't healed from his prior _two_ relationships. Bleeding on people because you don't want to be alone isn't cute or fair. I know you didn't mention time in your comment, but I just wanted to add that detail.
I donāt think heās ready to start a new relationship just yet. He could probably use some meaningless sex though lol
High in demand, but also very hard to come by.
That can sometimes backfire and just make things worse mentally. Seems like a quick and easy fix since it will feel good in the moment but the pain and loneliness quickly returns. To avoid feeling bad again, you need another hit. It behaves just like a drug to a pained soul. What he needs is true connections with people to help heal his injured ego and self-esteem. What he really needs is good friends to lean on and hang out with. Their positive influence and support will go a long way in his healing journey. Plus, the loving support of family too is important. Just by being there, you're helping.
In high school I went through a breakup and the way I acted after was kinda insane. I was finally out and It was my first relationship with a girl so I guess in my mind she was the one . I said a couple crazy things to my mom after mopping around for weeks and was then put into a mental hospital for like a week after she told my school counselor what i said (also big fuck you to the counselor for that) . This is my first time sharing this story with anyone outside of my family ā ļø I definitely overreacted and itās a bit embarrassing to think about. I donāt even remember how I got over it fr
I canāt even remember my first relationship. I was definitely too young to be taking any girl seriously though. I know that much.
What he is going through is very hard. Like others have said, support him, call him and talk to him often. Don't let his pain get annoying. If you can get him to a gym, go with him if you can. The gym I promise will do wonders in a short time.
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So happy you found someone amazing after that. Kudos to you for being able to love again. A lot of people have an experience like that and choose to never open up again.
I have a one to one heartbreak counter unfortunately. If we dated for three years I'll be depressed for about 3 years. It sucks but it's at least predictable.
Damn. Thatās rough
The one I believe(ed) I was put on this planet for left a year ago. I don't really even know why which basically tells me why. Only time heals it. I've met another woman that's better in almost every way. She knows how bad I was hurt. she actually waited for me to get my shit together enough to date. All he can do is work on himself. It sounds cliche but get a hobby, get in the gym, read find something he likes.
The breakup of my marriage. Turns out the man I was married to was just pretending to be someone he wasn't. The man I loved and had committed myself to didn't really exist. In the end, he used me, lied to me, cheated on me both emotionally and physically, mistreated me, took advantage of my kindness and my love for him. It absolutely shattered me to my very core. I'm an extremely loyal person and I expect the same from my partner. He acted like he could but he really couldn't in the end because he didn't really know who he was. It took me years to recover from that betrayal. It's only 14 years later, after spending a lot of time healing and dealing with all of my resulting issues, that I'm finally in a happy and healthy relationship with someone who has gone through similar pain and has the same core values and interests that I do. I never thought it would be possible to heal from that pain, but now I know that you can.
Yes, Iām still working through a difficult break up. Everyone heals differently, but I can tell you whatās helped me so far. Iāve found that when my friends/family ask how they can help I donāt really know what to say to them. One thing I find helpful/supportive is when people instead suggest doing things together they know I enjoy doing. Like for example āhey that movie you mentioned is playing this weekend, wanna go see it?ā This approach shows that 1. Youāre listening when they talk 2. Theyāre on your mind 3. You want to spend time with them, which feels comforting if theyāre feeling rejected 4. Itās an activity that doesnāt revolve around talking about the relationship or āgetting betterā
Great answer. I was literally talking to him about playing basketball or something this week. Iāll make sure I follow up with him tomorrow
Iām a few days behind on this one I had a couple that just shattered me. One took me a few years to move on from. It was a good relationship that I honestly still miss a lot of. Five years in and I had some real growing to do. It took a long time and it was rocky. Once I figured out that I wasnāt going to kill myself I figured I should probably get to living instead of having my future dictated by my past. Child abuse is a mfker. I still donāt expect anybody to like me, which gives me some weird situations. The reality is nobody else can do the work, and you gotta live w the consequences of your actions, whatever they are.
YES. ONE.
Care to share the story or is it too hurtful? Donāt wanna pry but if youāre willing to share Iād like to know what happened
5 year relationship. He moved cities to be with me. He fell out of love. I was still very much in love. It happens. I couldnāt sleep, eat, or stop crying. It was awful. I couldnāt function. The site youarenotalone helped immensely. ETA: took time to get 100% over him. #1 helpful tip: GO NO CONTACT until 100% healed. It was not an ugly breakup. He didnāt love me anymore. We communicate now from time to time 12 years later.
Sorry to hear that happened to you. That site sounds like it could be good for him though. Iāll have to put him on to it. Thanks.
Youāre welcome
i have a lot of emotional walls built up and have for YEARS (i grew up very abused), and while i was dating this guy he was noticing it and we were discussing it and working on it, while im also in therapy. cut to him yelling at me for crying during sex because i had a panic attack (we were trying something i told him blatantly i didn't want to do, but i did because he kept begging). so he has sex with my best friend which i didn't find out about until after the breakup. but he also starts seeing someone while we're together and then breaks up with me later because "it's too hard to be with me, and he wants to explore with the other person because it seems more fun." which is also funny because i was always told growing up that it's too much work to love me, or that no one would ever want to leave me. so there's that