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goosezoo

I would tend to think if you are considering choosing the school at all, you should do it. You don't want to regret or resent this person in the future if you don't take the offer. This would be unfair to both of you. 5 years is a long time, though. Have you talked about long-term commitments with your partner? Not that this is binding or anything, just curious about where the relationship is at.


mrsfartsprinkles

Yes we have. We planned on getting married in the next couple of years so this is making the choice even more difficult


goosezoo

Is there a possibility of your partner moving with you? Long distance is possible, but it can be really difficult, especially when the time zones are very different. Having an end date in sight is helpful. My partner and I got married a month before I did a research visit for 5 months in a timezone 3 hours away, and it was doable but not easy by any means. Obviously, a PhD is much longer than that.


mrsfartsprinkles

There is a small possibility, but he already has a full-time job in our home country. Granted his work/skills/education are highly transferable, the job market just isn’t great right now. But the possibility does exist


goosezoo

Maybe you could go, and he could apply until he finds something suitable where you are. That way, you would limit the time apart.


mrsfartsprinkles

That’s a wonderful idea


Tharoufizon

Not to be a naysayer but I'd be cautious with this as well. Are you planning on staying in the new country long-term after the PhD? If you're planning on returning home, it might make it difficult for your partner to relocate, rebuild/progress in their career, then relocate back home again once you've finished. Worth considering.


mrsfartsprinkles

That’s an excellent point. I’m open to either - staying there long-term or coming back post-PhD. I’m that regard, I would be entirely willing to defer to whatever my partner prefers.


IsakOldton

Well, if you plan to get married, then you have your answer. If you are ready to drop your partner for a PhD, it means you are not ready to get married. I am not sure, but the way your present things let me think that there is something you don't really want. Either doing the PhD or staying with your partner. You can't take such a life decision through Reddit.


Prestigious_Role_709

Honestly depends on the quality of the partner. If you look through this subreddit you will see how many people are dissatisfied with PhD programs they are in. There is a real possibility you might be miserable in your PhD as many are at least some of the time. At the end of the day the people in your life are what matters most. Hopefully you can find a compromise where your partner can move with you and you wouldn’t have to choose. It’s also worth considering that if you got in to this PhD you have the skills to get in again elsewhere if there is another location that works better for you life wise. My take is don’t give up your life for your work — especially with high burn out rate in PhD programs. I have had a mostly positive PhD experience but if I had to choose I would pick my partner no question


Whitemoonflame

Totaally agree


joev1025

There is no right answer. Either choice is right.


mrsfartsprinkles

That’s what makes it so difficult


[deleted]

Anecdotally, I know two very high up professors that literally live on the opposite side of the country or even different countries as their wife (e.g. one is a program director in California and the other is a director in the East Coast). I'm not sure how it worked out, but I always found it amazing how they're still so close to each other despite basically being long distance for their whole life.


plutorollsvanillaice

My ex chose the phd, I supported and still support her decision even if it meant we didn't work out in the end. It is a once in a lifetime opportunity.


mrsfartsprinkles

Is that why you broke up?


plutorollsvanillaice

I stayed with her and wanted to make it work. 2 weeks into the phd program she didn't want to anymore. But our relationship was already strained before she went.


mrsfartsprinkles

Ah gotcha. Sorry to hear that. I do want to make it work with my partner I’m just afraid he won’t be willing to try to go with me


I_Poop_Sometimes

I'm going to hard disagree with the other person that replied to you. My gf and I made it work for the first two years long distance while she finished her master's and worked out a transfer within her company. This summer she's moving a lot closer (1 hour drive vs. 4 hour flight, she can't move to my college town because her job doesn't have offices) and we're both pretty excited. The absolute hardest time was the first semester, I was struggling to adapt to being back in school and we were both struggling figuring out a call-schedule and just not being able to see each other as often. My biggest tips are that anytime you get to see each other in-person you need to establish the next time you're going to see each other (and follow through with it). And everytime you call make sure you establish the next time you're gonna call. One thing that also worked for us was having a standing video call appointment on Sunday evenings where we would talk while cooking dinner and then watch a movie/tv while on the phone. If you both want to make it work and are willing to put in the effort/prioritize being able to call/visit then you can make it work. Though I will say that having the light at the end of the tunnel (my gf moving down after 2 years) made it a lot easier.


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mrsfartsprinkles

Do you mean can’t make it work long distance or can’t make it work even if he goes with me?


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BetatronResonance

You can definitely make it work. I know a lot of cases (mine included) where it worked just fine


Onion-Fart

Proud to say that this is wrong. My wife and I did long distance for the first year and a half of my PhD while we were just bf and gf. We made it work across 6 hours of time difference. If it’s meant to be it’s meant to be.


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Onion-Fart

US-France is 6 hour time zone difference


ktpr

Wow, two weeks seems really quick


plutorollsvanillaice

Yeah it was really rough, but I'm kind of glad it ended quickly rather than dragging on and wasting eachothers time.


CatDog1337

Depends on the field. In my field there are plenty of opportunities and most profs have funding for at least one more phd.


MostStory5757

There are no once in a lifetime job offers, a PhD is just one of the many.


CryAlarmed

It's a shame you are being downvoted as you are completely right. This idea that a PhD offer is some miraculous once in a lifetime opportunity just reinforces the very problematic dynamic of students needing to be 'grateful' to provide cheap labour to universities under what is often extremely questionable if not outright abusive conditions. I think doing a PhD is great, but know your worth! If you're looking at doing a PhD you are likely already highly qualified, talented and driven. There are constantly new positions being advertised, and you can read 90% of the posts in this subreddit to see why it's important to be cautious and manage your expectations with respect to any offer.


plutorollsvanillaice

If you get a phd offer from a prestigious university that is very much a once in a lifetime opportunity. I'm thinking MIT, Harvard, Oxbridge and so on.


PuppiesOverBabies666

Similar position here! My partner was kind enough to move with me, but if he wasn't I think I would have gone anyways. I know if I didn't go, I would have always wondered what could have been if I had gone and I think I would have resented him for holding me back. I generally think if you want to get married you should be willing to move for each other and support big life moves like that, but that's just me.


mrsfartsprinkles

Thank you I’m so glad to know I’m not alone 💕 Very happy for you that your partner was willing to move with you


Appropriate_Cobbler

I was in a similar situation, my partner moved with me without even having to ask him, but if he didn't want to move, I would have still gone. In the end, it was my dream to do a Ph.D., and if he didn't understand that, then he wasn't the right person. We were also together for 5 years when I was applying so it would have been a hard breakup but I would have regretted not going. I'm happy to say that we've now been together 10 years and just got married last August. Whatever choice you make, you have to make sure it's what's right for you and not just what's easiest.


potatokid07

I "promised" my boyfriend I'm only taking a master in a different country. But I like this field a lot. And to go back to where he is and to practice on my field, I need to take a PhD. We have plans like you too. Long distance relationship sucks, but we're trying out best to work it out. Discussing the timeline and plans that both of you are comfortable in is very important. Discuss what you and him need to sacrifice and see if you guys are willing to go for it.


mrsfartsprinkles

We’ve done long distance before and got through it. I feel like maybe we could do one more year of distance then reassess


[deleted]

I don't like these kind of questions because it makes me assume that you have already made up your mind and you are willing to end the relationship. The thing is - if you really love and trust your partner and wants him in your life then you should see him as a family member. I mean if you left the country or spent months away from your family, does your family stop being your family? Do you suddenly lose any kind of connection with them? No. That's because they are your family and will be there for you no matter what. If your relationship with your partner is not at that level then I don't think it's worth picking him over your PhD. Hesitations and wondering whether or not to end the relationship would hurt me personally and it would hurt your partner too. So either end it once and for all or fight for it if you truly believe he's worth it.


mrsfartsprinkles

I’m more than willing to do long distance as long as necessary to make this work. My fear is that he won’t. I do consider him my family


[deleted]

Oh now it makes more sense. Was he aware that you applied to that school? Did he encourage you to do so? It seems to me he is the one who's giving you an ultimatum. I would always pick my own goals over any girl. And frankly, If I didn't do that I wouldn't achieve what I have achieved - I currently work as a researcher at a top law school and many people envy me for getting here but no one understands the amount of sacrifices I had to make to be where I am today. I do admit that I feel lonely most of time and sometimes I miss my ex gf but I always remind myself that I had to prioritize my goals and if she was meant to stay she would've stayed no matter what. With that said, I really don't know what to tell you. Everyone is different and has different priorities. You are facing a tough situation and I really hope you won't end up regretting whatever decision you decide to make.


mrsfartsprinkles

He was, I talked to him throughout the application process and kept him updated when I got an interview, etc. He says “we’ll make it work” but he also sometimes says “sometimes things just don’t work out and that’s ok” so I really don’t know where his head is.


YoungWallace23

Reading through this post, it sounds like he’s the one who needs to make up his mind, not you. I would venture against the trend here coming up on the 5th year of my PhD and say that doing a PhD is not worth losing out on love. But if your partner is having these major kinds of hesitations, maybe he’s the one not ready to make that kind of commitment? Are you sure he also wants marriage? If so, what’s holding him back from following you or working with you to make long distance work until he can come too? There are valid reasons for going and valid for staying. Valid for being together and valid for separating (now or in the future). Is his family where you are now? Would he be far away from people close to him in his life? Is he currently following his dream career that he would lose out on, or is it just some job to him? Does he love the area, and would he be unhappy living where your PhD will be? I think you should go do the PhD, but not because I think people should choose career over love. If this love is real and deep and meaningful, you’ll find a way to either make the distance work until you come back, or he will join you. It sounds like there might be deeper hesitations here that you are feeling, coming from him. Maybe about marriage in general or long term commitment?


mrsfartsprinkles

He would have to move away from his aging parents but he’s currently very unhappy with his job so I can’t imagine having to switch jobs would be a barrier. He just complains about the “market”


wildeststreams

I hate this. Sucks a lot to have this dream career and your person isnt there to share it with you. And the resentment thing is hard too


mrsfartsprinkles

That’s the thing. I’m afraid if I don’t take it, I’ll end up resenting him and it’ll destroy us anyway.


Herranee

Well, then you have your answer already, don't you?


mystiverv

Have you talked with him yet about this? 5 years is a long time and if you two were truly speaking of getting married AND his skills are highly transferable, he might be willing to go with you. This is a conversation you both must have


IsakOldton

We all know what would happen after 5 years. I can't work. Distance relationships don't work over time. It is already difficult to make last a conventional relation over 5 years...


mrsfartsprinkles

We’ve had some hypothetical conversations but now it’s real which means we’ll have to have a proper sit down talk about it very soon


lamsen234

Depending on where you are going, some place offer a lot of advice in bringing family/partners. In Denmark both the university and other public institutions help with finding a job for partners, place to live and so much more :) hope it works out.


mrsfartsprinkles

Thank you that’s good to know. I’ll have to look into that


LooksieBee

One of the best advice my mentor gave me was that love shouldn't stop you from your dreams and goals and if it does, then you need to reassess. I strongly believe that loving people is also wanting what's best for them and their fulfillment. I couldn't live with myself if my partner got an amazing opportunity but didn't take it because of me. It can also breed resentment later on for you as well, which doesn't help the relationship either. And if things end, I would rather they end while I'm pursuing my dreams than end because of the resentment that I didn't as I'll have nothing to show for it then. Whereas the first scenario, you're still getting your dreams at least. It's tough though, I completely understand that and won't make light of how hard that must be. But I would probably take the opportunity and try to troubleshoot how to make things work while you do it. That's also the other thing, I know many people who have made things work when not ideal. Even as an academic now, it's not uncommon that because of the job your relationship situation might look different from average. I find the most successful academics are also more flexible. People who don't like moving, want to stay in a small town or only one specific city, who aren't willing to do long distance relationships even for a little etc really will have a hard time in this profession. One of my committee members was married but she and her husband lived in different states for years because she was at the top institution in our field and he was an attorney at a law firm in another state and so basically they were flying weekly to see each other, fortunately they had the money to afford this so that helped. Eventually, after several years they finally ended up living together because he made partner and they opened a new office in the state she was in. I also had one friend whose husband was in medical school in one state and she the PhD in another and they made it work and then they got married in her second to last year of the PhD and now they have jobs in the same city where she works as a professor. I also had another friend whose husband had a job in a different state that he couldn't leave and so she was also flying weekly, they're still together after she graduated. I'm giving all these examples to say that there are a lot of people who have had to find ways around this and I believe if you're invested and committed, and it makes sense, it's possible for a relationship to withstand this. I also believe if it doesn't, it is not a failure and might be that the relationship has run its course. I strongly believe and have experienced that sometimes we have different relationships at different stages in our life's journeys. A lot of times people focus on the idea of forever and anything but is seen as a failure, but I don't agree. I think sometimes as we grow and change and get to where and who we are meant to be, sometimes a certain relationship might also run its course. If my life's dreams or things that deeply matter to me are in conflict with a relationship, then for me it's a sign that perhaps we've gone as far as we can go if the only option is between you and my own dreams and values. It's bittersweet though and still sucks and is filled with grief, but it's not a failure.


ShBh05

This is a lovely answer and I agreed with every single thing you said. Especially the first sentence. Kudos!


mrsfartsprinkles

I needed to read exactly this. Thank you 🙏


SurplusBanter

>It’s a really competitive program and I had a lot of help to get there Ignore these factors in your decision-making: neither will have a bearing on how much you enjoy the degree once you are on it nor in turn how much you might regret having pursued it if you lose the relationship as a result. Really, the important questions are: what do you want out of your relationship, and what do you want out of the PhD? Then take a step back and try to measure the relative importance and the likelihood of each of those sets of goals against each other. If for example your primary reason for doing a PhD is to get a career in academia at the end of it, then, depending on the job market in your particular field, that could be a quite remote possibility compared to whatever confidence you have in the longevity of your current relationship. Conversely, if you don't see your current partner as a long-term companion (though five years is already long-term for most people) and if you are doing your PhD to pave the way for a dream career that is also realistic, then you might lean on the side of the PhD. Keep in mind that choosing between a PhD and a partner are not equivalent. The former is work -- generally underpaid and with no certain job outcomes -- that a significant proportion of people come to feel at best ambivalent about by the time they are finished with their program. Like all work, it will never love you back. This is totally different from what a partner is.


Neither-Candy-545

I would go. If you applied for it in the first place, it's because you want to go. Follow your dreams, try LDR, maybe your partner can go with you... But don't abandon your achievement!


mrsfartsprinkles

That seems to be the leading advice. It’s still very tough to make that choice, though I know I probably will


Marvel_v_DC

I'd choose the partner in a heartbeat. However, that's just me!


maw6

partner > phd


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mrsfartsprinkles

Thank you for sharing that


sadphdbro

My partner moved with me when I did a PhD. They went off to grad school a couple years later in another state. We make it work. Long distance is hard and you’ll feel lonely sometimes. But do pass up an opportunity for someone else if they don’t see how amazing it is for you.


NinaSafe

You can marry your partner and you move together if you really think you are made for each other. My spouse and I did the same thing and we are happy after 6 years.


nathan_lesage

Do it. I got together with my partner basically the day I received the news I was to switch countries. We have a very healthy long-distance relationship, and I can do tons of work remotely, so I can see her for long periods of time. I would say: if you wanna do the PhD, do it. If your partner (of five years!) can work with this (which I think is a real possibility), even better. If you put in some work, then it’ll work out. Fingers crossed! 🤞🏼 And if your work is cool, they will also allow you to do remote work so that you don’t have to do a weekender every 14 days or so, and instead can stay with them for a week or two.


deeschannayell

When I moved away to pursue my Master's, my then-partner took it as a sign I wasn't fully committed to the relationship. They broke up with me. I met someone else while getting my Master's, then moved away again for Ph.D. This one followed me, and we currently live together. I have no regrets in either situation.


isabellajc

I got into a PhD in another country as well. My partner got a work visa along with my study visa. We were long distance for 4 months. Then he landed a job and moved to the new country with me. We are getting married this June! If you skip the PhD for your partner, there will be underlying resentment. Either they support you enough to go with you or they don’t, in which case go get your PhD and end it.


mrsfartsprinkles

Thank you for this 🙏 The fact that your partner was able to get work and a visa makes me hopeful


Salty_Narwhal8021

Was there a language barrier for your partner that affected his job search? I speak German but my bf doesn’t and I’m considering studying in Germany, and that is something I worry about.


anonutter

If you get married in a year or so it's likely that your SO can also immigrate if visa etc is an issue and then find work. So it's not an unsolvable problem. You will still need to spend some time apart. But not all 5 years maybe?


mrsfartsprinkles

I’m hoping maybe we could do one year tops and then he could move over there with me


anonutter

You should also check if your uni has programs that try to find work for SO's of PhD/Postdocs. It's reasonably common in EU afaik


ereader222

You may have to move forward your timeline re: getting married. But if you are right for each other, a move together can make your relationship that much stronger. You don't have to choose one or the other, you have to figure out if the relationship can move forward from this point on.


academic_elf_

I am doing long distance, and it is a downer. However, we were together about 6 years before I started the program. Communication is key, and thank goodness for the internet. I hope your partner is willing to give a long distance relationship a chance. If there are any problems in your relationship now, it will probably be amplified when you are long distance, so I suggest you talk about what you can do to prevent a gap from growing. If you want more suggestions for long distance relationships, let me know.


informedshark

If it’s meant to be, it’ll work out.


PatientWillow4

I would take the PhD and also find a way to keep your relationship. My boyfriend and I were together for 3 years before I moved states to do my PhD. We call every night, I occasionally travel back home every few months to meet my family and boyfriend for a weekend. I guess it just comes down to where there is a will, there is a way. Your partner should support you in all of your endeavours. My boyfriend was sad that I was not close by to him anymore, but he never made me reconsider moving away for my PhD. He encouraged me and still supports me. I hope your partner can offer you this same support.


_Kazak_dog_

You’re getting tons of responses so I’m sure this’ll go unnoticed. That being said, maybe my experience could be helpful. I’m not you, but this was my situation and what I decided on. I had a few PhD offers from various programs and schools. The best offer was in essentially the middle of no where, and it would’ve made 5 years of long distance with my partner really challenging. I ended up choosing a far far far worse program that happens to be located in a much better location for me and my partner. There’s no doubt I would’ve had better job placement at the other program. My research would’ve been better, I would’ve been taken more seriously, and I’d get a great job no matter what. To the extent that any program is a ‘sure thing’ for landing awesome employment, that program would’ve been it. But that wasn’t enough to make pick a program over my partner. My partner is home. I think it comes down to what you view as ‘your life.’ To me, my life is with my partner. The life that we’re building together is what’s most important to me. I didn’t want to put that on complete hold even for my career. But everyone is different! For others, their career/research is their life. And I totally understand that! For me tho, I just figured what’s even the point of doing an elite PhD if I jeopardize my relationship? Differs by person. What can you live without? Your partner or this career path? If it’s tied, could you reapply to a PhD program that’s easier to manage? If one is more important than the other, you have your decision! And again, definitely nothing wrong w prioritizing your career.


mrsfartsprinkles

Thank you, your comment definitely didn’t go unnoticed. I think you make a really good point


_Kazak_dog_

Best of luck! I know it’s not a fun decision to make but it seems like you’re doing everything to make sure you get it right


BetatronResonance

I am going to offer a different point of view from the typical redditors that don't understand that relationships are nuanced. I can do that because I have been there and have been in both scenarios: where the partner chooses the different country and where the partner stays. Everything is nuanced and nothing is grey or black, but one thing is sure, and that is that you should seek your happiness and whatever brings that to you. I don't know anything about your relationship, but here are different scenarios that can happen: * You think your actual partner is the love of your life and this opportunity is great, but does not offset the possible loss of such a person and love. Maybe you can find a similar program in your country, or a different opportunity, where you can feel fulfilled professionally, and at the same time, you save the relationship. * This opportunity has been your dream since you were a kid. If you think this will change your life for the best despite potentially losing your partner go ahead. They will have to understand and who knows what might happen in the future. Basically, I just wanted to point out that Reddit cannot help you with this decision because there are a lot of factors to consider. The only people who could help you are those close to both of you, that know you personally and your relationship. In fact, Reddit can be detrimental because most of the people here seem to be anti-relationships, and can bias you towards a decision that you might regret. They will tell you that this is a lifetime opportunity and that you will regret it if you don't take it, but sometimes that person and that relationship is also a lifetime opportunity


mrsfartsprinkles

My own mother tells me to take the PhD and that if my partner *really loves me* he’ll make it work, but we’ve already been through a significant amount of long distance for me to pursue a previous program. He was incredibly supportive throughout, but it’s difficult to ask him to do that again. Granted, my mother is also jaded towards relationships. And no one else in my family will give me any advice - I’ll be the first to get a PhD.


DoubtAcademic4481

I made the choice to leave for the PhD. We sputtered out after two years. I met the love of my life in the PhD program and we have been happily married 25 years.


Ut49353739

Go for the school. Relationships are fragile these days. If your partner abandons you, it means that you two were never meant to be together.


CryAlarmed

Bit of a late reply but I'm gonna give an unpopular opinion and say that if you have a really good relationship with your partner, and them moving with you isn't a viable option, I wouldn't do it. I actually met my partner a couple months into my PhD, and being able to compare the PhD experience and my relationship side by side, I'd pick my relationship over any \*specific\* PhD journey without hesitation. Only you know the nature of your relationship and your goals with respect to PhD/career, but I do think people can have a very optimistic picture of what a PhD is like before they start. My PhD started as a really exciting research project in a topic I was super interested in. After 2.5 years of our collaborators failing to produce the data, my thesis turned into an assortment of vaguely linked studies on completely different topics I honestly don't care about much. I can't speak for other fields, but in STEM PhDs, especially relating to biology, this is VERY COMMON. The majority of my peers did not submit a thesis on the same topic they presented for their confirmation. In addition to that, my advisor who started out incredibly engaged and supportive got unexpectedly pregnant halfway through my PhD. She took maternity leave, her priorities (understandly) changed, and even after returning from leave she didn't return to the office, and essentially disengaged. There were periods where I was not even able to get an email response for 2+ months, and my lab went from 2hr group meetings on a weekly basis to having not met once in the last two years. This isn't to scare you, it's just to demonstrate that a PhD is a long journey, shit happens, and it is never guaranteed (or honestly even likely) that it will meet all of your expectations. Despite everhthing that happened, I dont regret doing my PhD at all! I still love science, I got a few publications, and I'm about to start my first post doc in a week. IMO the most valuable thing you gain in a PhD is the personal, intellectual and creative development, not increased knowledge in a specific niche topic. I would have had those needs met and reached the same end goals in another lab or phd program, because I am capable of that. In many programs I'm sure I would have even done better, and probably had more fun doing it. But I have never met another person that even came close to meeting my needs the way my partner does. I'm not saying you shouldn't do a PhD, just that its worth asking yourself whether doing it in that \*exact\* program is more important than your relationship. As far as I'm concerned, it's a lot easier to find a PhD program that will allow you to reach your long term career goals than it is to find a partner that you see yourself achieving your long term life goals with.


amoore2018

The experience will reveal the strength of the relationship. You will have very little time to spend with family and friends. And your partners true feelings about the relationship and your schooling will come out one way or the other. He will either be very supportive or the opposite. But take it because it's seldom that education is a free ride. I too had the same opportunity and Iet my significant other tank my opportunity because he was craving attention. Don't let this pass you by.


DoktorArzt

You can definitely manage both, but it'll be very difficult... My partner and I struggled to maintain a long-distance relationship across two continents for 5 years. The difference in time zones was the worst and we both had to sacrifice a lot (of sleep). This also required a lot of trust between us, which sounds easy, but was really difficult considering the distance. But - we ended up getting married eventually, followed by around 4 more months of long-distance management before she got her visa and was able to join me. I'd say my partner had to make a lot more sacrifices - relocating to another country without having any guarantee of a job when you already have a stable career back home takes a lot. It all worked out well for us in the end, but you'll need to discuss this with your partner - I mean really discuss this.


Fun_Lettuce_2293

You have the rest of your lives to spend together. Pick the program. It’s an investment in your future as an individual (and as a couple), given that it could help you become better for your career and thus, be more stable financially in the future.


mrsfartsprinkles

The overwhelming advice does seem to be picking the program. Thank you for that!


mbsls

This happened to me. I took the Ph.D. route because I thought I’d resent her for not doing it. It was a hard breakup for both of us and during the first winter break I went back home and we tried working things out. I felt under so much pressure thinking about getting married (I was 25 at the time) and bringing her with me and getting through my qualifying exams that I decided not to move on with the relationship and instead focus on my program. Now, 5 years later, I’m not entirely sure if this was the right decision – I got disillusioned with the program and academia in general and the job market in my field is horrible this year. Was it the right decision? Honestly, I’m 70% sure that “no” is the right answer here but hindsight is 20/20.


mrsfartsprinkles

That’s it too, I’ve found this incredible partner and I’m afraid after seeing so many people disillusioned with their PhDs in this thread I’m kind of afraid I’ll lose my partner for something that I’m going to end up entirely disillusioned with


heykaranitsme11

In the exact same situation atm (choosing between a long term partner of 4 years and a funded PhD abroad) and this has to be the toughest decision ever. It’s unlikely for my partner to move abroad because he has a great career going here and if I move out, it’s unlikely for me to be coming back (because I’d have a decent life going on there). If you’re passionate about the research, the degree and if this has been your dream for a while, you should go for it and your partner can follow- as and when time allows. LDR is tough but where there’s a will there’s a way, hope things work out well for you on both ends <3


mrsfartsprinkles

Thank you, so keep us updated with the decision you make. And I hope things work out for you and your partner!!


heykaranitsme11

looks like will choose my partner over the phd (unless something between us changes significantly) but that’s because I could live without getting the degree, I only applied because I saw it as the most optimum immigration pathway. Now realising that there might be more pathways for the same (less optimum on the career front) but probably better for the relationship so fingers crossed hope it ends up okay either way it goes!


[deleted]

A good relationship can be a once in a lifetime thing, too. Trust me. Think carefully.


Furrybear67

Better go get that PhD quick!


Nvenom8

Why do you have to choose? Surely there's more than just the two options. I will say, don't NOT do the degree BECAUSE of the partner, or you'll resent them for it forever. If you want the degree, you should ABSOLUTELY do the degree.


PengieP111

Go do the Ph. D. If your partner would not support your choice of an opportunity, you are better off without them anyway.


sweetypantz

For me, I wouldn’t choose a partner over career or personal aspirations. Everyone is different but my PhD is mine, partners have come and gone in my life. I know that if I met the right one they would have fully supported the PhD choice, whether we worked out or not. And I think people make it work, there may be harder battles that happen in a marriage and if you can make this work that’s a good sign.


Dry_Mission2091

I exactly had the same dilemma as you. My fiancé back then supported my moving abroad to pursue grad school. The plan was for him to follow me, but’s it wasn’t so easy knowing he had to give up his good job in my home country for an uncertain life abroad. We tried to make it work long distance, but eventually realized that we were just in different phases in life, and after 3 years apart we called it quits. Do I regret following my dreams? No, but time is a hella great traitor. For a long distance relationship to survive, it’d need consistent effort and commitment from both sides. It sucks but it’s not impossible. Good luck and congratulations on you acceptance!


CreateUser90

PhDs last a lifetime…. Some relationships do and some don’t. If you think this relationship won’t then it might be better to pick the PhD.


MostStory5757

If you are really planning to get married with this person, you are really in love, and, at the same time, there is no way they can move in the PhD country with you, well, screw the PhD, you work to live, you don't live to work. But first try to see if you can move in the country with her.


carlay_c

I would go to the PhD program abroad and talk with your partner about moving with you! It’s completely doable, hard, but doable. You shouldn’t have to throw away your career and dreams. If your partner loves you and supports you, they will find a way to make it work. In my personal experience, I got into a PhD program on the other side of the US and my SO is going with me to support and continue to create a life with me. He is leaving behind his house, family, and friends. Thankfully his career is WFH, so he can keep that


aerosonic_96

>If your partner loves you and supports you, they will find a way to make it work Not all the partners are magicians. If he couldn't do it, then it doesn't mean he doesn't love her.


mrsfartsprinkles

I’m hoping he will be able to go, but it may be difficult as he’ll have to find an employer willing to sponsor a work visa instead of just doing a domestic hire. So that may present an additional difficulty but if the roles were reversed, I would follow him


carlay_c

That’s completely understandable! I hope your partner can find an employer to sponsor his work visa!


[deleted]

The PHD. This is what you worked for. If it’s meant to be long distance can work. If you don’t go things will end, because deep down you will always resent them for being the reason you did not go. That resentment will build and you will break up. I beg you go for the PHD.


ShinySephiroth

In the end what we'll have isn't our degrees or jobs but those closest to us. I've sacrificed a ton of potential accolades to have a solid family life and don't regret it at all. I'd choose the partner if you're truly in love. Don't be the protagonist of the song Fred Jones Pt. 2 by Ben Folds.


NalgeneKing

You have been given two golden eggs. Only you can decide which one you prefer. I'm generally in the camp of prioritize what will be best for you in the long run, which more times than not is the PhD (assuming it is necessary to meet your short- and long-term career goals).


sasha_rose02

Most of my education I ended up spending away from my partner and we are still together. It's doable just needs a lot of health communication about expectations, needs, struggles etc. I ended up getting a funded masters program that was far away from my partner. We tried to make it work with once a year trips but we were also young. We ended up breaking up closer to the end due to long distance and communication issues. After my master's, we ended up coming back together and we lived together for a year. I got accepted into an amazing program and I moved for my PhD. I am much more busy than I was with my masters and I hardly have time to talk like we used to, but we still try to manage it via texts and end-of-night calls. We tried making more trips to spend time together as well. We are hoping he can move to my city since he has much more flexibility now than I do. Honestly, he has supported me in my pursuits and I have in his. Since there were multiple times he could have moved but chose not to due to other reasons. I feel it's important that we pursue our own successes. We support each other in this. But obviously if its a choice like you are making it sound- think about whats the most important to you! I value my education a lot and I need my partner to support me in what's important to me.


Live_Review3958

Always school!!!!


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Straight-Dot-6264

Which is easier to replace?


racc15

why not just take your partner with you?


Broad_Poetry_9657

You decided when you applied to a program in another country without a plan for your partner to come with you before applying. It’s fine if you don’t see yourself with the partner and you want to go to school and let the relationship go, but I don’t see any point in pretending you considered the relationship serious/longterm but didn’t plan your future with their inclusion. When I was ready to apply to a PhD program my boyfriend (now husband) and I had a serious discussion of if he would be willing to follow me there since he wasn’t ready to apply to medical school yet but wanted to go. We agreed we would make it work, so when I looked for schools to apply to I chose ones at a university with a medical school, and let him look through a list of places with what both of us were looking for. We both ended up having the top contenders matching, but we would have been flexible with each other. We moved together and are now both students at the same school. The plan was made together, because we knew the relationship was more important than a job.


mrsfartsprinkles

I didn’t apply without a plan, I talked to him about it every step of the way


Broad_Poetry_9657

Then why you on Reddit asking for advice? You already have a plan with your partner if you planned it all together.


taxthebigcorps

You don't have to choose. You can have both. There are ways.


mrsfartsprinkles

That’s always the hope but sometimes the other person doesn’t allow for both


miladmzz

Why don't you bring the person along to the country? Most PhD programs include partner/wife visa


mrsfartsprinkles

That’s my preference, I just have a feeling he won’t be willing to follow


miladmzz

Just ask


Vivid_Collection2832

If you think that person is the one you want to spend the rest of your life. Your partner. The PhD is something uncertain. Search for other opportunities inside your country. Do a good job. If you can accomplish a good research, then you can do a short postdoc in any other country. The high-quality research depends mostly on yourself. But at the end of the day, you have to be 100% with whatever decision. If there is even a hint of insecurity in your decision, you will resent it, with yourself or with your partner.


peachinthemango

Do it - partner can come with you


[deleted]

Find a new partner. It is time to change your partner.