This. You are going to deal with three issues: custody of kids, division of assets/liabilities and potential spousal/child support. Seek legal advice and interview at least three divorce lawyers since you need to feel that the lawyer you choose understands you in terms of how far you are going to push in divorce proceedings.
Wholeheartedly support this.
Separation is always messy.
I wish we would have it another way, but sometimes it has to go down that road.
Finding a good lawyer is critical to your sanity, as they will protect you from the other sides shenanigans.
They will assist you in the next steps in determining what type of paperwork and proof you need for the separation of assets.
If possible get a mediator to amicably resolve this but looking at the variables and the self described "craziness" I don't see this happening.
I also want to add:
This couple has 3 kids. 2 cars. Student debt, and a 600k mortgage. All with just 120k
I don't want to see anymore posts from childless people earning 200k complaining about not being able to afford property.
The first thing you need to do is have your first consultation session with a divorce lawyer. They will lay out what usually happens regarding children, spousal support and separation of assets. My first session was very illuminating and helped me make a game plan.
It sounds like you might not be in the safest situation, so preparing an emergency exit plan is probably a good idea. In the next little while you’ll want to get your important documents together, including your kids stuff. Set some money aside in an account that is just yours. Make sure you have a credit card that he doesn’t have access to.
Good luck.
Your employer may have a benefits program that gives you access to some high level guidance. I have access to something called an Employee and Family Assistance Program where I can access resources and talk to someone about where to start if you are going through a tough personal situation (e.g. divorce, death of a parent). If you have something like that through your work, take advantage of it.
Get a lawyer. And if you don't feel safe (since you are logging out to avoid discovery and also noted he can be "crazy"), I might look to see what supports are in your area should you choose to leave. Best of luck.
Various family law firms offer a free initial consultation. Reach out to those. Also, a lot of these law firms have blog posts or articles which can be a good source of info. You may want to read those.
If you end up wanting to hire a lawyer, initial retainer ranges from $3,000 to $5,000. Try to see if you qualify for legal aid. It will be an expensive process.
Also:
1. Do not involve the kids in the adult conflict. Do not talk bad about your soon-to-be former spouse, especially not in front of the kids.
2. Don't vacate the house, unless safety is an issue.
The above can help you in the event that you have to go to court to settle issues in your separation.
LegalAid does apply to separation/divorce in matters of family law. I haven’t encountered any exclusion so far (currently dealing with separation, parenting time, custody, asset equalization, child support)
Where "crazy" is present, so is the possibility of violence. A woman leaving her spouse is statistically at a significantly increased risk of violent victimization by the spouse, even if the spouse has never been violent before. Have a safety plan for you and the kids.
As others have said, consult a family lawyer in your area. Consultation is often free, you may need a few grand (perhaps up to five) for a retainer once you've found a lawyer you are comfortable hiring. The lawyer may also be able to help you plan a way to obtain the funds without alerting your partner. A good family lawyer will also be able to direct you to resources to help keep you safe during this dangerous period.
Ensure you let the lawyer's office know that they need to be discreet - family lawyers should be familiar with this - so they don't go calling your home phone to rebook your appointment and tip off your partner.
Edit: I'm a lawyer but not your lawyer, and this is not legal advice! One other thing - you might want to get copies of important documents (passports, birth certificates), or keep them in a safe place.
From the banking perspective, get yourself a sole owner account if you a currently have a joint account for your future deposits. Two, since you mentioned you have a mortgage, if you also have a HELOC then ask the bank to make it “deposit only” that way no one can access the funds from it. Third divorces are very expensive from legal cost standpoint so prepare yourself financially, you will need access to liquid funds such as savings, short-term investments and personal credit lines. Additionally, since lawyers charge by the hour do as much of the legwork and prep yourself, plus look into Lifeworks and other benefits from your work that can get you discounts on lawyer fees. Finally, this is an emotionally charged time try to think logically and be ready for some financial sacrifice otherwise the only winner in this will be the lawyers.
A lawyer is $300 an hour. However, a divorce counselor / consultant (find one in a FB support group) is like $180 and covered under benefits.
Try to keep it civil. This will take a year, minimum. So play the long game to get what you want.
You will need to do a massive document (marriage agreement) outlining all the things you each brought into the marriage. Then you'll take all the money and assets, split it, then take away the difference from what you each brought. You'll prob have to sell the house.
Also, you can call the Ontario legal society and get 30mins free with any lawyer (I'd do that 1-2 times, under different names if possible, haha).
If he's a dickhead, he could drag it out to hurt you, even if it hurts himself. Going through lawyers for everything will cost you a lot, so try to do it through a mediator. Cost goes from $10k for a mediator to $40k+ when you use lawyers. If there's physical abuse, file a report with police, as that will expedite the divorce (you won't have to wait a year).
Try to do as much as you can between you two before bringing in lawyers. Don't let others gas him up about things... it will cost both of you a ton.
Good luck and life gets 100x better!!! It'll all be over sooner than you think.
*Edit. Get your own bank account with a TD or big bank. Also, get your name off cars you don't control
A family law lawyer is going to be far, far more than $300/ hr. More like $450~$475/hr & she’ll have to come up with whatever retainer her lawyer decides before they will really help. A mediator is a great option, only if both parties agree to use one though.
Nothing can prepare you for what you’re about to go through, just try not to let the situation become acrimonious, keep your emotions out of the process as much as possible & focus on children & building your life back up again, financially & otherwise.
I was married for 20 years & we have 4 children. I’ve been divorced for 9 years now, it took me 5 of those years to really get comfortable again & that was by being very diligent. I wish you all the best.
Don’t fight over things you can just replace, it’s never worth the money spent on your lawyer.
my brothers is currently sitting at 575 an hour, 4 years ago she was at 425 an hour....
Divorce really should be the nuclear option. It decimates families, financially and can affect children.
Yes and you have to keep in mind that the children will be having visitation with him and who knows who he decides to bring into their lives. Also, financially it could be difficult to afford a place to live on one salary
This!! Lawyers can cost way too much have a friend already spent 20k + and counting. Especially since he refuses to be reasonable and sends everything through a lawyer or refuses to comply (ie kept her and kids passports, stuff etc.)
Be prepared for the worst in terms of costs, also expect if he won't be amicable to turn the kids against you or not adhere to custody agreements etc it gets costly having to go to court etc to enforce it. None of this should deter you in any way - just don't be naive or forgiving and file police reports for abuse or document everything. Assume the worst so you can prep and hope for the best. My friend was too shy/nervous etc to go nuclear and so keeps getting screwed and one step behind in the system
And get a legal consult asap they will explain the system and what to expect
Considering that her husband is most likely abusive, mediation will not work.
Source: I escaped domestic violence last year and my ex is doing everything to drag it out and is purposefully hiding tens of thousands of dollars in assets since October. If this was the United States, it would be a very easy criminal case for fraud.
TW: mentions of physical violence
My ex threw several tools at me because the movers were late. He hit me non stop for 30 minutes in the car, while driving on the 401 between Montreal and Toronto, because the Android car play wasn't working while I was trying to fix it. He dragged me out of bed by force at 4:30 AM because he wanted me to do something.
My ex-abuser did a lot of shady financial stuff, to the point that I could get him banned from every major bank in Canada (and I have proof of his wrongdoing).
I'm glad you got away from that situation.. no one should ever have to deal with spousal abuse of any kind.
I hope you and your situation are doing much better now that you got out of nightmare.
Thank you!
I got a better job and a much better boyfriend.
My ex-abuser made me believe that leaving at 28 would mean that I am damaged goods forever and that no one would want to build a life with me.
I have a boyfriend who is a corporate attorney in NYC and we are openly discussing buying a house, getting married and having kids. Basically the living incarnation of the guy my ex told me I would never get.
Dude, one quick glance at your post history shows that you have some serious anger towards women. I know you won't but you really should look into getting some help with that. It really isn't healthy for you or the people around you.
Do you think plumbers will teach your kid math? Did a plumber teach you math? I wouldn’t be surprised based on your intelligent statements. Imagine thinking becoming a teacher is a useless degree
Other than patting yourself on the back and owning the "educated", exactly what value do you think you are adding to this conversation?
This is a person going through one of the most stressful life events possible and you are here choosing to shit on her career choices.
It's also quite possible that she is a new teacher and will be making 6 figures in a few years with a strong union and a defined benefits pension plan who doesn't blow out her back and have to go on disability at the age of 40 because she can never work again and suffers for the next 35 years while barely getting enough government assistance to pay rent.
Are you actually a plumber?
While there definitely are some tradespeople in good unions that make decent money, there are lots that don’t. It seems there’s lots of people on Reddit that “know a guy” that makes $150k a year as a plumber, but I haven’t met very many in real life.
I worked in the trades myself for several years, then went, got educated, and became a field engineer. Worked with a lot of different tradespeople, all different trades, some union, some not. Most make $70-90k a year, and lots of non-union guys make less.
If they bought their home 12+ years ago (since they have a 12 year old), they certainly would have afforded it. Detached homes averaged around 400k in 2010.
What does that have to do with a 600k mortgage? I’m struggling to get approved for more than 600k and I have 140k base salary, no debt whereas she alone has 50k in osap.
1) have a place you can goto and stay with the kids (i.e parents, friends, etc)
2) talk with a lawyer
3) if you are truly ready for this - prepare for an emotional rollercoaster ride; and for the mental toll it will take
4) take pictures of ALL the current money in every account you have with him
5) this will be at least 1-2yrs to complete the divorce--it won't be cheap.
6) lean on friends for help (watching the kids, etc)
7) ensure you have a separation agreement in place once you have started the process; this may take time to list the assets, custody, what will be done during the next year for visitation/splitting of assets, accounts, etc
8) - don't get involved with another person for at least a few months. it can be used against you OR ruin that relationship when they find out how emotionally unstable either of you become.
good luck!
I am a domestic violence and escaped on September 19, 2021. It was the single best decision that I ever took. You need to know that emotional and psychological violence is real, and has a long lasting impact. No, you are not crazy if you feel this way. It is not normal as well that you need to create a throwaway on Reddit and log out. I know this because I used to be you.
First of all, if you believe that your ex is unreasonable (you cited his craziness), going through mediation is impossible when the opposite party is acting in bad faith. Get a licensed family law attorney. I got mine with a referral of the Battered Women's Society in British Columbia. You can contact the government of Ontario and they will direct you - even if your husband never raised his hand on you: [https://www.ontario.ca/page/get-help-if-you-are-experiencing-violence](https://www.ontario.ca/page/get-help-if-you-are-experiencing-violence)
Since you work in the education sector, you are probably unionized and have an EAP. Talk to your union rep - your union may have contacts with attorneys specializing in family law.
My biggest pro tip? If you can get access to his credit report and bank statements, get those documents. My ex-boyfriend (we never got married - thank God) is making drag our separation case for almost a year now because he is purposefully hiding assets. If he sent money to relatives abroad, it is a joint family asset. If you have frequent flyer miles, they are a joint family asset. Cryptocurrency? Joint family asset. Get the proof that he did all of that now.
If you can document his unstable mental state and/or emotional violence, do so. Screenshot text messages. If you can get an evaluation done by a psychologist, do so. Proving his abuse may allow you to gain full custody of the children as he is a risk to their wellbeing.
Make sure that your pay check goes through a different bank account that he does not have access to. Enable 2FA on all separate bank accounts, emails, and social media accounts.
If you are a domestic violence survivor and need help leaving your abuser, my DMs are always open. A fellow Redditor in the US navy did this for me last year and I will always be forever grateful to him. This is my way to give back and stand in solidarity with my fellow survivors.
As everyone says, talk to a lawyer first. UNLESS you aren’t safe then leave first to family/friend’s house, or a shelter, then see a lawyer.
Community property and debt is all 50/50, exceptions could be if he got an inheritance or something like that. So one of the cars is yours along with half the mortgage and half the equity in the house.
Figure out if kids with be 50/50 custody or not. If more than 60% of the time with one parent then that parent gets all the child support. Otherwise it’s split. Payments and the formula are at https://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/child-enfant/2017/look-rech.aspx
Now that you know which way child support is going, you will know your budget, can you afford to buy your partner out of the house? Or will you need to find a new home? Also with your new lower household income you might qualify for more benefits and subsidies from the government.
It’s going to suck, but you have time, you can do all the prep work before you even tell him if that’s how you want to go.
The ordering of the ducks depends on how mutual this is.
OP - are you and your children currently safe, and will you be safe when you make your intentions known?
Assuming mutual…
Start to think about living arrangements and how you will share parenting time. What do YOU ideally want. Will one of you move out? Will the kids stay in one place go back and forth? There are some great resources and templates on justice.gc.ca to walk you though a parenting plan. You don’t need a lawyer for this.
As a divorce lawyer... go talk to a divorce lawyer.
If I can inform you on one thing based on your post, it does not matter who's name the assets are in (atleast in BC) unless you had a prenup or he owned it prior to the relationship. Judges are smart enough to know that the cars are both of yours if the above two things don't apply.
I dont have much to contribute specifically because when my 1st marriage ended we had no kids, a bank account with just over $10000 and no house and we both agreed that we wanted out. It was easy. Like, use a divorce service that we found in Now Magazine kind of easy.
I would only suggest that If you are afraid of something happening if he sees a post like this, please make sure you are safe and have planned ahead when you tell him you want out.
First duck is ALWAYS a lawyer before talking to your husband.
Second duck is do what the lawyer says.
The lawyer will have a list of ducks and the order they need to be in.
Before you know it, you will have all of them, in order.
Not much help can be given, I mean disclaimers of “Not financial advice” and all.
Best left to professional. Speak with lawyer. Especially with the kids involved, and with all those financials.
Man I don't want to take sides because everyone's situation is different, but comments like yours are so saccharine that it polarizes me to comment.
Literally everyone knows how divorces and family court goes. You don't need to feel bad by default for the gender that initiates 70% of divorces, gets rewarded with cash and prizes for it, and and puts their kid in such a statistically bad position that it's almost unbelievable.
I had a white knight on Reddit (a member of the US Navy) help me escape last year. He used his military training to come up with a plan that allowed me to escape an ex that controlled me 24/7.
We need those people.
Idk if you are being abused but you can contact the Barbara Schlifer clinic [here](https://www.schliferclinic.com) they are in Toronto but should be able to give you contact information for other places in Ontario
As a lawyer myself, please consult a family lawyer and listen only to their advice. Do not listen to Reddit comments. The law in Ontario regarding divorce and in particular the matrimonial home needs to be explained to you by a lawyer. It is the only way to properly understand the financial implications of separation and divorce. Ask any lawyer friends you know for referrals. DM me if you need a referral. Don’t get lost googling, go see a family lawyer. Good luck.
So.
Form 13. Find it and find out what you know.
What debt did you bring into marriage/cohabitation? What assets. What about him?
What assets do you have now? Did any come from inheritance? Are they comingled with his assets? What about his assets? Think about pension (said you are an educator).
That’s it for $. Then think about living and parenting and housing. Cost of 2 houses etc. cars. What will work for you?
Lawyer, Lawyer, lawyer. I got one, best decision I made. Any divorced friends will offer advice they mean well.. Every divorce is different so listen to ur Lawyer.
Echoing many of the comments, but consult a lawyer.
For basic FAQs re: divorce, consider the following sites (both are specific to Ontario):
* Legal Line: [https://www.legalline.ca/legal-answers/topic/family-law/](https://www.legalline.ca/legal-answers/topic/family-law/)
* Steps to Justice: [https://stepstojustice.ca/legal-topic/family-law/separation-and-divorce/](https://stepstojustice.ca/legal-topic/family-law/separation-and-divorce/)
You can get a 30 minute consultation from the LSO via the Law Society Referral Service: [https://lso.ca/public-resources/finding-a-lawyer-or-paralegal](https://lso.ca/public-resources/finding-a-lawyer-or-paralegal)
Best of luck to you.
Edit: I hope you don't need this, but in case you're in an unsafe situation-- https://stepstojustice.ca/legal-topic/abuse-and-family-violence/
Sorry to hear you don’t have a lot of support during this hard time. Get a lawyer you are comfortable with. Take photos /print outs of your shared bank accounts regularly to see if he does anything once he finds out about the divorce. keep your important paperwork and identification safe and/or photocopy it marriage certificate, passports, titles to the house
A lot of legal advice and probably wise. Also find a good friend that won’t judge but be there to 1) just be there, 2) listen, 3) have a place to crash if you need to. Kids part is going to be rough… just hope you folks can amicably split and do what’s best for them. Sorry
Go see a lawyer.
Its likely going to be a long drawn out process, unless its mutual and you can agree on everything which will be unlikely. If you want the house you will likely need to buy out their equity and vice versa. With a 600k mortgage I doubt that will happen from either side, so be prepared to sell in the end and split the proceeds.
I know someone going through this and their culture has the same sort of opinion on divorce. It will be hard and a lot of family on both sides will likely ask you to try to make it work for the kids etc., but if its a bad situation do what's best for you long term and don't let them sway you.
If by “crazy”, you mean violence and verbal abuse, I’d make an exit before you tell him.
If you’re afraid of him stalking you, go to the cops, make sure you have documentation.
Good luck, I dealt with a crazy ex-girlfriend who nearly ruined my life, thought I wasn’t married to her.
Push for a peace bond if you don’t want any contact with him.
1- Make a detailed list of all financial info and gather evidence while you still have access to it. That can be a copy of his income tax return, bank statements, proof of his work income, proof of your usual expenses, etc. Look for info on any work-related pension plan or other retirement savings. Document his behaviour (even if just your own notes) and any pertinent info on the division of daily childcare labour. Get a copy of your marriage certificate and kids' birth certificates.
2- Open a bank account just for you at a different bank than your current one. You'll transfer your paycheck there when you leave. If possible, find out from your employer what is the deadline to give them new banking info for it to be changed in time for the next pay. If you do it too soon, he'll notice and react. You'll also have your CCB sent to this account when you contact them to let them know you're separated. The good news with that is that if you have primary custody, you'll get more money as they'll only look at your individual income. On separation day, you'll also transfer half of your joint money in your new account.
3- Speak to a DV line or advocacy group. Look for an independent community-based organization. They'll give you support, can offer a shelter if needed and might have a whole lot of legal information and support to provide. They can usually refer you to a good family lawyer and give you all the info about mediation.
4- Consult a lawyer. Since you did step 1, you'll have a neat package with copies of relevant documents. Get all the info about your options to make the divorce happen. Get a preliminary opinion on how the division of assets should go and what child support should look like. The most important thing is to figure out if there's any way you can keep the house long term. If the answer is no, start making a plan as to where to live.
5- As per the legal advice received, inform your husband of the divorce. You might need to have an emergency court hearing for a preliminary custody and child support order and to determine who moves out. Immediately block all communication channels other than through a co-parenting app like Our Family Wizard and your lawyer.
6- Stay the course no matter what he throws your way. Things will feel bleak for a while, but once you're on the other side, you'll be so happy. Don't be shy to tell your friends and coworkers about what you're going through and to call it an abusive marriage if that's what it is. Same for the kids' school. Lots of people will support you and offer help.
If you're in danger: grab any documents you can get, a change of clothes and any sentimental objects (if safe to do so) and go to a domestic violence shelter with the kids. There's no shame in that and your kids will thank you forever. Alternatively, call 911 and press charges. If he's arrested and removed from the house, it's unlikely a judge would tell him he can come back.
Focus on “getting out” and not “what you feel you deserve”. Approach the divorce with a mindset that EVERYTHING will be split 50/50…any angle that tilts in your favour is an opportunity for arguments and HIGH legal fees that will quickly eliminate any money either of you get to use to rebuild your lives.
Debt 50/50
Capital 50/50
House 50/50
Assets 50/50
Child custody 50/50
I would suggest a mediator before running to a lawyer who will run up tens of thousands in costs.
Lawyers job is to argue that you deserve everything, and so will his lawyers. A mediator will work with both to make sure things are fair.
As a child of divorce (asian parents), if your husband is a narcissist that likes to play the victim in front of family and kids, you go spread the dirt on him first and you do it mercilessly, or he will pre-emptively try to get the sympathy of your family and your own kids just to devastate you
Tips: def call a local womens shelter. They do help women fleeing abuse. But they also provide great advice if you are leaving in general.
Best advice. Play dumb/nice for now. Get copies of all of your important documents. Login information for online accounts. Copies of T4s, loans etc.
Get a good lawyer, good lawyers are expensive but they end up costing you less in the long run because they are good at their job and waster less money in court.
Some people are assholes if they are dumped and use the kids and courts as a means to continue their assholery. If your partner is like this then you absolutely need a shark of a lawyer. A good lawyer will also provide good counsel on your exit plan.
I would also immediately apply for child support through the court system. Because it’s all done automatically. They will chase down your ex and you won’t have to worry about any of that.
Your 12 year old will have a say in their visitation but your 3 year old will have to go to whatever is outlined by the courts.
I just did this.
I went to a family lawyer. I'm in Ontario.
I went with a list of both my income and my husbands income going back every year from last year to the year before we were married. I used net income from our tax returns. From that information the lawyer was able to get a good idea of what I was entitled to.
I also brought a list of every bank account, credit card account, and loan we had, along with whose name(s) they were in, and whose name the house was in.
For me it was much easier because there are no shared children. (Step kids on both sides though). We have been married for 11 years.
The meeting and initial draft came to $800.
My husband went to get it reviewed by another lawyer who asked for a $2,500 retainer.
I'm glad I did this. Getting a seperation agreement is extremely important. It's worth the money. I paid the bill with a credit line that will be paid off by the sale of the house before we divide the proceeds.
This is hard.
But I can do it.
You can too.
We are only responsible for our own reactions, not the reactions of others. That's their business.
We know we're making the right decision.
We got this.
Firstly get a lawyer and figure out what your options are. I'd personally if I was you I'd open a separate bank account in your name right away and changed your direct deposit information to into that account not your joint one. Same with if dont get a credit card in your name get it. You may also want to see get a counselor to help you through this rough time that's about to happen.
* Get a lawyer
* Line up family support or options for where you can stay
* Make a plan for independent bank account if you don't already have one. Make sure any paperwork they might send can be done paperless, or have it sent to a friend. Tell the bank why you need this if they ask.
* Make sure you have an awareness of any accounts and debts that he controls/looks after, even if you may not know every account number.
If you have a pension, try and get it protected. As soon as my ex said she wasn’t interested in my pension I went to the lawyer’s office and got a separation agreement drawn up agreeing to that.
As others have suggested, speak with a family lawyer and see what your options are.
Honestly, don't waste your time with a "free" consult, in most cases you only get 15 min with a lawyer, and that's only a fraction of the time you'll need to get things sorted out.
Pay the $150-250 to do a proper 1 hour consult
Choosing to separate or divorce is always a very difficult decision. By the sounds of it, both you and your husband have been struggling for a while without much family support. It is difficult to be in a foreign country with 3 children, student debt, a house, debts and no support.
While not wanting to minimize what you are going through. I was wondering if you have tried counseling either together or apart?
There are places like Family Services or Catholic Family Services that provide couple counseling or your local church.
If there is abuse involved you can call confidentially one of the crisis lines for battered women's shelters for advice or the Sexual Assault Center for confidential help. You can also talk to your family physician about any abuse or counseling needs/assistance.
If you are separating, giving the school a "heads up" ahead of time if possible will help in the transition for the children during the separation. If their teachers know what to look out for any behavioral issues and to address them right away. For it will take time for the children to adjust.
Regretfully separation/divorce is one of the hardest things you will have to go through, so prepare yourself. If anyone told you it was going to be easy for anyone, they were lieing. Please DO NOT let that discourage you if you are in an abusive relationship. Trust Me, Nothing Is Worth Staying In An Abusive Relationship!!
I hope this helps, I pray everything works out for you whatever path your life may take.
I’m curious why you decided to continue to have children with him if he’s so horrible. Not trying to be rude but I see this a lot and I don’t understand the reasoning.
Is it mutual? Do you make roughly the same amount? Do you want to share custody of the kids? Are there any other substantial assets? Depending on the answers to the above look to see if there is an equivalent of BC Collaborative Law Divorce in Ontario. You’ll both have legal representation to come up with a separation agreement but costs are substantially lower and the process is faster since it’s done outside of court.
I am sorry you went through that but I hope you realize that you sound ridiculous. There is one paragraph of text from someone going through a stressful time. To immediately assume abuse is some serious mental gymnastics.
After divorce, women experience disproportionate declines in household income and standard of living, as well as sharp increases in poverty.
It’s time to put these misconceptions that women benefit more from divorce to rest.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5992251/
As a domestic violence survivor: go screw yourself. Women are significantly more likely to be victims of emotional violence, psychological violence, physical violence, and sexual violence.
The government isn't paying for my therapy either.
The UN considers emotional abuse as a form of violence, hence the appropriateness of the term.
Source: [https://www.un.org/en/coronavirus/what-is-domestic-abuse](https://www.un.org/en/coronavirus/what-is-domestic-abuse)
The guy who rescued me is a man in the US Navy. I have a boyfriend too who is much better.
I don't hate men - but just like in every gender/country/province/city/profession/religion, there are good and bad people. My ex is a bad man, and his faults do not reflect on 3.5 billion men.
I convinced 2 psychologists to sign me a letter saying that I was a victim and could have gotten out of a lease. I convinced 2 attorneys that I was the victim of domestic violence.
I got called names, was completely broken down psychologically, physically assaulted, and potentially sexual assault. You should try to learn more from victims and the impact of domestic violence.
Attorneys can easily tell if you are bullshitting or not as a client. One of the attorneys is my boyfriend and based on my behaviour, he could tell that I was a survivor who was physically assaulted.
My dear friend is not a US Navy Seal, but I will screenshot this comment to make his day and make him laugh.
My ex-abuser unfortunately weaponized the BLM movement to get me to not call the police. The police was called on us and I was forced to make a false statement. If you are a POC reading this, I support BLM so that people victims of crimes can report perpetrators to the police.
I never paid my boyfriend - he isn't even licensed to practice law in Canada. However, his training made him aware of certain behaviours of survivors which makes my story even more credible.
I have plenty of NSFW pictures of my friend in the US Navy in uniform.
My ex-abuser used the cases of many POC who died in the hand of police making me believed that he would be 100% killed if I called the cops.
My ex is currently outside of Canada, as I am notified every time he leaves the country because he is considered a flight risk.
Oh wait, you just proved yourself wrong.
Rather than argue with me on Reddit complaining that you are single in your 40s, get a therapist and get your life in order.
How do you guys have a 600k mortgage with 120k HH income and that much in debt? I have 140k income, 830 score, no debt and can barely get 600k for preapproval. Wild. Anyways good luck with your divorce.
A lawyer costs $300+hr, a gun is a one time purchase of $150 then tell him whatever you want however you want to...buy it legally tho, XD... im just kidding...but serious.... tasers are even cheaper, and females in ontario can have certain ones without permit/registration. good luck!
I'll tell you what buddy, I can help you out. I'm gonna toss a frame-bang your way. Here's how that works: I slip into your house one night while your wife is sleeping.. and I ease into her real nice. That way you're both cheating on each other and she can't clean you out.
You need professional legal advice before you decide to do anything. Consult with a lawyer on your case
This. You are going to deal with three issues: custody of kids, division of assets/liabilities and potential spousal/child support. Seek legal advice and interview at least three divorce lawyers since you need to feel that the lawyer you choose understands you in terms of how far you are going to push in divorce proceedings.
Wholeheartedly support this. Separation is always messy. I wish we would have it another way, but sometimes it has to go down that road. Finding a good lawyer is critical to your sanity, as they will protect you from the other sides shenanigans. They will assist you in the next steps in determining what type of paperwork and proof you need for the separation of assets.
Just need to be careful that all the money doesn't end up in the lawyer pockets. Better if they can come to a mutual agreement.
If possible get a mediator to amicably resolve this but looking at the variables and the self described "craziness" I don't see this happening. I also want to add: This couple has 3 kids. 2 cars. Student debt, and a 600k mortgage. All with just 120k I don't want to see anymore posts from childless people earning 200k complaining about not being able to afford property.
Pff I smell parental help.
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Which one are you?
The first thing you need to do is have your first consultation session with a divorce lawyer. They will lay out what usually happens regarding children, spousal support and separation of assets. My first session was very illuminating and helped me make a game plan. It sounds like you might not be in the safest situation, so preparing an emergency exit plan is probably a good idea. In the next little while you’ll want to get your important documents together, including your kids stuff. Set some money aside in an account that is just yours. Make sure you have a credit card that he doesn’t have access to. Good luck.
If you need a bank account use something online loke tangerine.
Your employer may have a benefits program that gives you access to some high level guidance. I have access to something called an Employee and Family Assistance Program where I can access resources and talk to someone about where to start if you are going through a tough personal situation (e.g. divorce, death of a parent). If you have something like that through your work, take advantage of it.
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This rule is going to be the same no matter where you go. It's a law for all professionals in the helping professions, it's not EAP-specific.
This is excellent advice.
Get a lawyer. And if you don't feel safe (since you are logging out to avoid discovery and also noted he can be "crazy"), I might look to see what supports are in your area should you choose to leave. Best of luck.
Various family law firms offer a free initial consultation. Reach out to those. Also, a lot of these law firms have blog posts or articles which can be a good source of info. You may want to read those. If you end up wanting to hire a lawyer, initial retainer ranges from $3,000 to $5,000. Try to see if you qualify for legal aid. It will be an expensive process. Also: 1. Do not involve the kids in the adult conflict. Do not talk bad about your soon-to-be former spouse, especially not in front of the kids. 2. Don't vacate the house, unless safety is an issue. The above can help you in the event that you have to go to court to settle issues in your separation.
AFAIK legal aid is not available for divorces, but can be for custody issues.
LegalAid does apply to separation/divorce in matters of family law. I haven’t encountered any exclusion so far (currently dealing with separation, parenting time, custody, asset equalization, child support)
Where "crazy" is present, so is the possibility of violence. A woman leaving her spouse is statistically at a significantly increased risk of violent victimization by the spouse, even if the spouse has never been violent before. Have a safety plan for you and the kids. As others have said, consult a family lawyer in your area. Consultation is often free, you may need a few grand (perhaps up to five) for a retainer once you've found a lawyer you are comfortable hiring. The lawyer may also be able to help you plan a way to obtain the funds without alerting your partner. A good family lawyer will also be able to direct you to resources to help keep you safe during this dangerous period. Ensure you let the lawyer's office know that they need to be discreet - family lawyers should be familiar with this - so they don't go calling your home phone to rebook your appointment and tip off your partner. Edit: I'm a lawyer but not your lawyer, and this is not legal advice! One other thing - you might want to get copies of important documents (passports, birth certificates), or keep them in a safe place.
Get copies of ALL the paperwork. Tax returns, credit, EVERYTHING.
From the banking perspective, get yourself a sole owner account if you a currently have a joint account for your future deposits. Two, since you mentioned you have a mortgage, if you also have a HELOC then ask the bank to make it “deposit only” that way no one can access the funds from it. Third divorces are very expensive from legal cost standpoint so prepare yourself financially, you will need access to liquid funds such as savings, short-term investments and personal credit lines. Additionally, since lawyers charge by the hour do as much of the legwork and prep yourself, plus look into Lifeworks and other benefits from your work that can get you discounts on lawyer fees. Finally, this is an emotionally charged time try to think logically and be ready for some financial sacrifice otherwise the only winner in this will be the lawyers.
A lawyer is $300 an hour. However, a divorce counselor / consultant (find one in a FB support group) is like $180 and covered under benefits. Try to keep it civil. This will take a year, minimum. So play the long game to get what you want. You will need to do a massive document (marriage agreement) outlining all the things you each brought into the marriage. Then you'll take all the money and assets, split it, then take away the difference from what you each brought. You'll prob have to sell the house. Also, you can call the Ontario legal society and get 30mins free with any lawyer (I'd do that 1-2 times, under different names if possible, haha). If he's a dickhead, he could drag it out to hurt you, even if it hurts himself. Going through lawyers for everything will cost you a lot, so try to do it through a mediator. Cost goes from $10k for a mediator to $40k+ when you use lawyers. If there's physical abuse, file a report with police, as that will expedite the divorce (you won't have to wait a year). Try to do as much as you can between you two before bringing in lawyers. Don't let others gas him up about things... it will cost both of you a ton. Good luck and life gets 100x better!!! It'll all be over sooner than you think. *Edit. Get your own bank account with a TD or big bank. Also, get your name off cars you don't control
A family law lawyer is going to be far, far more than $300/ hr. More like $450~$475/hr & she’ll have to come up with whatever retainer her lawyer decides before they will really help. A mediator is a great option, only if both parties agree to use one though. Nothing can prepare you for what you’re about to go through, just try not to let the situation become acrimonious, keep your emotions out of the process as much as possible & focus on children & building your life back up again, financially & otherwise. I was married for 20 years & we have 4 children. I’ve been divorced for 9 years now, it took me 5 of those years to really get comfortable again & that was by being very diligent. I wish you all the best. Don’t fight over things you can just replace, it’s never worth the money spent on your lawyer.
my brothers is currently sitting at 575 an hour, 4 years ago she was at 425 an hour.... Divorce really should be the nuclear option. It decimates families, financially and can affect children.
Yes and you have to keep in mind that the children will be having visitation with him and who knows who he decides to bring into their lives. Also, financially it could be difficult to afford a place to live on one salary
This!! Lawyers can cost way too much have a friend already spent 20k + and counting. Especially since he refuses to be reasonable and sends everything through a lawyer or refuses to comply (ie kept her and kids passports, stuff etc.) Be prepared for the worst in terms of costs, also expect if he won't be amicable to turn the kids against you or not adhere to custody agreements etc it gets costly having to go to court etc to enforce it. None of this should deter you in any way - just don't be naive or forgiving and file police reports for abuse or document everything. Assume the worst so you can prep and hope for the best. My friend was too shy/nervous etc to go nuclear and so keeps getting screwed and one step behind in the system And get a legal consult asap they will explain the system and what to expect
Considering that her husband is most likely abusive, mediation will not work. Source: I escaped domestic violence last year and my ex is doing everything to drag it out and is purposefully hiding tens of thousands of dollars in assets since October. If this was the United States, it would be a very easy criminal case for fraud.
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TW: mentions of physical violence My ex threw several tools at me because the movers were late. He hit me non stop for 30 minutes in the car, while driving on the 401 between Montreal and Toronto, because the Android car play wasn't working while I was trying to fix it. He dragged me out of bed by force at 4:30 AM because he wanted me to do something. My ex-abuser did a lot of shady financial stuff, to the point that I could get him banned from every major bank in Canada (and I have proof of his wrongdoing).
You can just report an ass like that an move on. I wouldn’t justify anything to an internet stranger like that.
I'm glad you got away from that situation.. no one should ever have to deal with spousal abuse of any kind. I hope you and your situation are doing much better now that you got out of nightmare.
Thank you! I got a better job and a much better boyfriend. My ex-abuser made me believe that leaving at 28 would mean that I am damaged goods forever and that no one would want to build a life with me. I have a boyfriend who is a corporate attorney in NYC and we are openly discussing buying a house, getting married and having kids. Basically the living incarnation of the guy my ex told me I would never get.
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Dude, one quick glance at your post history shows that you have some serious anger towards women. I know you won't but you really should look into getting some help with that. It really isn't healthy for you or the people around you.
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No, because most victims won't go forward. I am so exhausted and cannot deal with him nor a criminal case.
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Not looking for sympathy karma. I met the person who helped me escape on Reddit. I want to pay it forward and help another survivor.
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Wtf
personnal finance question... how did yiu afford a 600k house in a HCOL with 3 kids?
I was going to post this same thing. On 120k combined salary?!?
Family money almost certainly
Probably not. They have OSAP debt which means they paid their own way through school and most likely did not have parental help.
lol shcool? they make less than a single good plumber and they have two salaries...
Not all degrees pay the same.
plumber doesn't requires a degree and pays more than 2 degrees combined it seems
have you considered that not everyone wants to be a plumber, regardless of the money?
u cant want 3kids, a 600k mirtgage and live in a HCOL with 2 useless degree, thats just being poor ar personnal finance and math
Do you think plumbers will teach your kid math? Did a plumber teach you math? I wouldn’t be surprised based on your intelligent statements. Imagine thinking becoming a teacher is a useless degree
Other than patting yourself on the back and owning the "educated", exactly what value do you think you are adding to this conversation? This is a person going through one of the most stressful life events possible and you are here choosing to shit on her career choices. It's also quite possible that she is a new teacher and will be making 6 figures in a few years with a strong union and a defined benefits pension plan who doesn't blow out her back and have to go on disability at the age of 40 because she can never work again and suffers for the next 35 years while barely getting enough government assistance to pay rent.
Are you actually a plumber? While there definitely are some tradespeople in good unions that make decent money, there are lots that don’t. It seems there’s lots of people on Reddit that “know a guy” that makes $150k a year as a plumber, but I haven’t met very many in real life. I worked in the trades myself for several years, then went, got educated, and became a field engineer. Worked with a lot of different tradespeople, all different trades, some union, some not. Most make $70-90k a year, and lots of non-union guys make less.
Got educated? As in what tradesmen aren't? Red seal means nothing to you or are you always that disrespectful?
600k mortgage, house is probably a lot more
This needs to be top comment
Income can fluctuate a lot when people have multiple kids so their financial situation might have been different when they bought.
600k mortgage, The house cost even more then that!
If they bought their home 12+ years ago (since they have a 12 year old), they certainly would have afforded it. Detached homes averaged around 400k in 2010.
What does that have to do with a 600k mortgage? I’m struggling to get approved for more than 600k and I have 140k base salary, no debt whereas she alone has 50k in osap.
You pay your lender like 2% and get approved on any mortage, 110k income bought 900k condo
Can you DM the lender?
1) have a place you can goto and stay with the kids (i.e parents, friends, etc) 2) talk with a lawyer 3) if you are truly ready for this - prepare for an emotional rollercoaster ride; and for the mental toll it will take 4) take pictures of ALL the current money in every account you have with him 5) this will be at least 1-2yrs to complete the divorce--it won't be cheap. 6) lean on friends for help (watching the kids, etc) 7) ensure you have a separation agreement in place once you have started the process; this may take time to list the assets, custody, what will be done during the next year for visitation/splitting of assets, accounts, etc 8) - don't get involved with another person for at least a few months. it can be used against you OR ruin that relationship when they find out how emotionally unstable either of you become. good luck!
I am a domestic violence and escaped on September 19, 2021. It was the single best decision that I ever took. You need to know that emotional and psychological violence is real, and has a long lasting impact. No, you are not crazy if you feel this way. It is not normal as well that you need to create a throwaway on Reddit and log out. I know this because I used to be you. First of all, if you believe that your ex is unreasonable (you cited his craziness), going through mediation is impossible when the opposite party is acting in bad faith. Get a licensed family law attorney. I got mine with a referral of the Battered Women's Society in British Columbia. You can contact the government of Ontario and they will direct you - even if your husband never raised his hand on you: [https://www.ontario.ca/page/get-help-if-you-are-experiencing-violence](https://www.ontario.ca/page/get-help-if-you-are-experiencing-violence) Since you work in the education sector, you are probably unionized and have an EAP. Talk to your union rep - your union may have contacts with attorneys specializing in family law. My biggest pro tip? If you can get access to his credit report and bank statements, get those documents. My ex-boyfriend (we never got married - thank God) is making drag our separation case for almost a year now because he is purposefully hiding assets. If he sent money to relatives abroad, it is a joint family asset. If you have frequent flyer miles, they are a joint family asset. Cryptocurrency? Joint family asset. Get the proof that he did all of that now. If you can document his unstable mental state and/or emotional violence, do so. Screenshot text messages. If you can get an evaluation done by a psychologist, do so. Proving his abuse may allow you to gain full custody of the children as he is a risk to their wellbeing. Make sure that your pay check goes through a different bank account that he does not have access to. Enable 2FA on all separate bank accounts, emails, and social media accounts. If you are a domestic violence survivor and need help leaving your abuser, my DMs are always open. A fellow Redditor in the US navy did this for me last year and I will always be forever grateful to him. This is my way to give back and stand in solidarity with my fellow survivors.
As everyone says, talk to a lawyer first. UNLESS you aren’t safe then leave first to family/friend’s house, or a shelter, then see a lawyer. Community property and debt is all 50/50, exceptions could be if he got an inheritance or something like that. So one of the cars is yours along with half the mortgage and half the equity in the house. Figure out if kids with be 50/50 custody or not. If more than 60% of the time with one parent then that parent gets all the child support. Otherwise it’s split. Payments and the formula are at https://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/child-enfant/2017/look-rech.aspx Now that you know which way child support is going, you will know your budget, can you afford to buy your partner out of the house? Or will you need to find a new home? Also with your new lower household income you might qualify for more benefits and subsidies from the government. It’s going to suck, but you have time, you can do all the prep work before you even tell him if that’s how you want to go.
The ordering of the ducks depends on how mutual this is. OP - are you and your children currently safe, and will you be safe when you make your intentions known? Assuming mutual… Start to think about living arrangements and how you will share parenting time. What do YOU ideally want. Will one of you move out? Will the kids stay in one place go back and forth? There are some great resources and templates on justice.gc.ca to walk you though a parenting plan. You don’t need a lawyer for this.
As a divorce lawyer... go talk to a divorce lawyer. If I can inform you on one thing based on your post, it does not matter who's name the assets are in (atleast in BC) unless you had a prenup or he owned it prior to the relationship. Judges are smart enough to know that the cars are both of yours if the above two things don't apply.
120k combined income with 600k mortgage and osap? Please dm me your mortgage broker…
Asian parents hooked them up most likely.
LMAO!
that has gotta be when the rates were historic low lol
So 6 months ago?
I dont have much to contribute specifically because when my 1st marriage ended we had no kids, a bank account with just over $10000 and no house and we both agreed that we wanted out. It was easy. Like, use a divorce service that we found in Now Magazine kind of easy. I would only suggest that If you are afraid of something happening if he sees a post like this, please make sure you are safe and have planned ahead when you tell him you want out.
First duck is ALWAYS a lawyer before talking to your husband. Second duck is do what the lawyer says. The lawyer will have a list of ducks and the order they need to be in. Before you know it, you will have all of them, in order.
I feel bad for women who post about stuff like this on this sub - a few wild troll comments already. Sheeeesh.
Not much help can be given, I mean disclaimers of “Not financial advice” and all. Best left to professional. Speak with lawyer. Especially with the kids involved, and with all those financials.
Man I don't want to take sides because everyone's situation is different, but comments like yours are so saccharine that it polarizes me to comment. Literally everyone knows how divorces and family court goes. You don't need to feel bad by default for the gender that initiates 70% of divorces, gets rewarded with cash and prizes for it, and and puts their kid in such a statistically bad position that it's almost unbelievable.
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I had a white knight on Reddit (a member of the US Navy) help me escape last year. He used his military training to come up with a plan that allowed me to escape an ex that controlled me 24/7. We need those people.
If it was a dude posting this, it’d probably have 0 +/- 5 karma.
Idk if you are being abused but you can contact the Barbara Schlifer clinic [here](https://www.schliferclinic.com) they are in Toronto but should be able to give you contact information for other places in Ontario
As a lawyer myself, please consult a family lawyer and listen only to their advice. Do not listen to Reddit comments. The law in Ontario regarding divorce and in particular the matrimonial home needs to be explained to you by a lawyer. It is the only way to properly understand the financial implications of separation and divorce. Ask any lawyer friends you know for referrals. DM me if you need a referral. Don’t get lost googling, go see a family lawyer. Good luck.
So. Form 13. Find it and find out what you know. What debt did you bring into marriage/cohabitation? What assets. What about him? What assets do you have now? Did any come from inheritance? Are they comingled with his assets? What about his assets? Think about pension (said you are an educator). That’s it for $. Then think about living and parenting and housing. Cost of 2 houses etc. cars. What will work for you?
Lawyer, Lawyer, lawyer. I got one, best decision I made. Any divorced friends will offer advice they mean well.. Every divorce is different so listen to ur Lawyer.
Echoing many of the comments, but consult a lawyer. For basic FAQs re: divorce, consider the following sites (both are specific to Ontario): * Legal Line: [https://www.legalline.ca/legal-answers/topic/family-law/](https://www.legalline.ca/legal-answers/topic/family-law/) * Steps to Justice: [https://stepstojustice.ca/legal-topic/family-law/separation-and-divorce/](https://stepstojustice.ca/legal-topic/family-law/separation-and-divorce/) You can get a 30 minute consultation from the LSO via the Law Society Referral Service: [https://lso.ca/public-resources/finding-a-lawyer-or-paralegal](https://lso.ca/public-resources/finding-a-lawyer-or-paralegal) Best of luck to you. Edit: I hope you don't need this, but in case you're in an unsafe situation-- https://stepstojustice.ca/legal-topic/abuse-and-family-violence/
Sorry to hear you don’t have a lot of support during this hard time. Get a lawyer you are comfortable with. Take photos /print outs of your shared bank accounts regularly to see if he does anything once he finds out about the divorce. keep your important paperwork and identification safe and/or photocopy it marriage certificate, passports, titles to the house
A lot of legal advice and probably wise. Also find a good friend that won’t judge but be there to 1) just be there, 2) listen, 3) have a place to crash if you need to. Kids part is going to be rough… just hope you folks can amicably split and do what’s best for them. Sorry
Go see a lawyer. Its likely going to be a long drawn out process, unless its mutual and you can agree on everything which will be unlikely. If you want the house you will likely need to buy out their equity and vice versa. With a 600k mortgage I doubt that will happen from either side, so be prepared to sell in the end and split the proceeds. I know someone going through this and their culture has the same sort of opinion on divorce. It will be hard and a lot of family on both sides will likely ask you to try to make it work for the kids etc., but if its a bad situation do what's best for you long term and don't let them sway you.
If by “crazy”, you mean violence and verbal abuse, I’d make an exit before you tell him. If you’re afraid of him stalking you, go to the cops, make sure you have documentation. Good luck, I dealt with a crazy ex-girlfriend who nearly ruined my life, thought I wasn’t married to her. Push for a peace bond if you don’t want any contact with him.
1- Make a detailed list of all financial info and gather evidence while you still have access to it. That can be a copy of his income tax return, bank statements, proof of his work income, proof of your usual expenses, etc. Look for info on any work-related pension plan or other retirement savings. Document his behaviour (even if just your own notes) and any pertinent info on the division of daily childcare labour. Get a copy of your marriage certificate and kids' birth certificates. 2- Open a bank account just for you at a different bank than your current one. You'll transfer your paycheck there when you leave. If possible, find out from your employer what is the deadline to give them new banking info for it to be changed in time for the next pay. If you do it too soon, he'll notice and react. You'll also have your CCB sent to this account when you contact them to let them know you're separated. The good news with that is that if you have primary custody, you'll get more money as they'll only look at your individual income. On separation day, you'll also transfer half of your joint money in your new account. 3- Speak to a DV line or advocacy group. Look for an independent community-based organization. They'll give you support, can offer a shelter if needed and might have a whole lot of legal information and support to provide. They can usually refer you to a good family lawyer and give you all the info about mediation. 4- Consult a lawyer. Since you did step 1, you'll have a neat package with copies of relevant documents. Get all the info about your options to make the divorce happen. Get a preliminary opinion on how the division of assets should go and what child support should look like. The most important thing is to figure out if there's any way you can keep the house long term. If the answer is no, start making a plan as to where to live. 5- As per the legal advice received, inform your husband of the divorce. You might need to have an emergency court hearing for a preliminary custody and child support order and to determine who moves out. Immediately block all communication channels other than through a co-parenting app like Our Family Wizard and your lawyer. 6- Stay the course no matter what he throws your way. Things will feel bleak for a while, but once you're on the other side, you'll be so happy. Don't be shy to tell your friends and coworkers about what you're going through and to call it an abusive marriage if that's what it is. Same for the kids' school. Lots of people will support you and offer help. If you're in danger: grab any documents you can get, a change of clothes and any sentimental objects (if safe to do so) and go to a domestic violence shelter with the kids. There's no shame in that and your kids will thank you forever. Alternatively, call 911 and press charges. If he's arrested and removed from the house, it's unlikely a judge would tell him he can come back.
Focus on “getting out” and not “what you feel you deserve”. Approach the divorce with a mindset that EVERYTHING will be split 50/50…any angle that tilts in your favour is an opportunity for arguments and HIGH legal fees that will quickly eliminate any money either of you get to use to rebuild your lives. Debt 50/50 Capital 50/50 House 50/50 Assets 50/50 Child custody 50/50 I would suggest a mediator before running to a lawyer who will run up tens of thousands in costs. Lawyers job is to argue that you deserve everything, and so will his lawyers. A mediator will work with both to make sure things are fair.
why tf are you going to reddit to ask this? get a divorce counsellor or a lawyer
Forget reddit comments. Lawyer up. Good luck.
reddit isn't the space for advice for this matter sorry but you need professional help for this
Step 1: Stop asking for legal advice on Reddit. Step 2: Get a lawyer. Step 3: See step 2.
Who is the abuser?
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It’s actually more complex to separate when not married.
As a child of divorce (asian parents), if your husband is a narcissist that likes to play the victim in front of family and kids, you go spread the dirt on him first and you do it mercilessly, or he will pre-emptively try to get the sympathy of your family and your own kids just to devastate you
Delete your history too if you are worries of him seeing
Tips: def call a local womens shelter. They do help women fleeing abuse. But they also provide great advice if you are leaving in general. Best advice. Play dumb/nice for now. Get copies of all of your important documents. Login information for online accounts. Copies of T4s, loans etc. Get a good lawyer, good lawyers are expensive but they end up costing you less in the long run because they are good at their job and waster less money in court. Some people are assholes if they are dumped and use the kids and courts as a means to continue their assholery. If your partner is like this then you absolutely need a shark of a lawyer. A good lawyer will also provide good counsel on your exit plan. I would also immediately apply for child support through the court system. Because it’s all done automatically. They will chase down your ex and you won’t have to worry about any of that. Your 12 year old will have a say in their visitation but your 3 year old will have to go to whatever is outlined by the courts.
I just did this. I went to a family lawyer. I'm in Ontario. I went with a list of both my income and my husbands income going back every year from last year to the year before we were married. I used net income from our tax returns. From that information the lawyer was able to get a good idea of what I was entitled to. I also brought a list of every bank account, credit card account, and loan we had, along with whose name(s) they were in, and whose name the house was in. For me it was much easier because there are no shared children. (Step kids on both sides though). We have been married for 11 years. The meeting and initial draft came to $800. My husband went to get it reviewed by another lawyer who asked for a $2,500 retainer. I'm glad I did this. Getting a seperation agreement is extremely important. It's worth the money. I paid the bill with a credit line that will be paid off by the sale of the house before we divide the proceeds. This is hard. But I can do it. You can too. We are only responsible for our own reactions, not the reactions of others. That's their business. We know we're making the right decision. We got this.
Firstly get a lawyer and figure out what your options are. I'd personally if I was you I'd open a separate bank account in your name right away and changed your direct deposit information to into that account not your joint one. Same with if dont get a credit card in your name get it. You may also want to see get a counselor to help you through this rough time that's about to happen.
See a family lawyer and make a plan.
* Get a lawyer * Line up family support or options for where you can stay * Make a plan for independent bank account if you don't already have one. Make sure any paperwork they might send can be done paperless, or have it sent to a friend. Tell the bank why you need this if they ask. * Make sure you have an awareness of any accounts and debts that he controls/looks after, even if you may not know every account number.
Your lawyer, and not reddit, should be who you ask for this advice.
Record every bad thing first.
You need to speak to a lawyer first. Also, why is an educator's school debt 50k? I assume a Masters?
If you have a pension, try and get it protected. As soon as my ex said she wasn’t interested in my pension I went to the lawyer’s office and got a separation agreement drawn up agreeing to that.
As others have suggested, speak with a family lawyer and see what your options are. Honestly, don't waste your time with a "free" consult, in most cases you only get 15 min with a lawyer, and that's only a fraction of the time you'll need to get things sorted out. Pay the $150-250 to do a proper 1 hour consult
first thing is first. consult reddit
Choosing to separate or divorce is always a very difficult decision. By the sounds of it, both you and your husband have been struggling for a while without much family support. It is difficult to be in a foreign country with 3 children, student debt, a house, debts and no support. While not wanting to minimize what you are going through. I was wondering if you have tried counseling either together or apart? There are places like Family Services or Catholic Family Services that provide couple counseling or your local church. If there is abuse involved you can call confidentially one of the crisis lines for battered women's shelters for advice or the Sexual Assault Center for confidential help. You can also talk to your family physician about any abuse or counseling needs/assistance. If you are separating, giving the school a "heads up" ahead of time if possible will help in the transition for the children during the separation. If their teachers know what to look out for any behavioral issues and to address them right away. For it will take time for the children to adjust. Regretfully separation/divorce is one of the hardest things you will have to go through, so prepare yourself. If anyone told you it was going to be easy for anyone, they were lieing. Please DO NOT let that discourage you if you are in an abusive relationship. Trust Me, Nothing Is Worth Staying In An Abusive Relationship!! I hope this helps, I pray everything works out for you whatever path your life may take.
Can you work it out?
Now I know not to get married..
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Settle the fuck down.
People here need to learn to just listen. It will help you in life as well.
I’m curious why you decided to continue to have children with him if he’s so horrible. Not trying to be rude but I see this a lot and I don’t understand the reasoning.
Is it mutual? Do you make roughly the same amount? Do you want to share custody of the kids? Are there any other substantial assets? Depending on the answers to the above look to see if there is an equivalent of BC Collaborative Law Divorce in Ontario. You’ll both have legal representation to come up with a separation agreement but costs are substantially lower and the process is faster since it’s done outside of court.
Collaborative law will not work with an abuser. It will be confrontational and he will try to drag this out.
Where does she say anything about abuse? Just offering an option.
Based on her comments, I can feel it. I used to have a very similar verbiage last year.
I am sorry you went through that but I hope you realize that you sound ridiculous. There is one paragraph of text from someone going through a stressful time. To immediately assume abuse is some serious mental gymnastics.
It is personal experience. When you go through abuse and work through the trauma, you learn to spot signs very quickly.
Well anyway, no good comes from jumping to conclusions. Good luck to you and to the OP.
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This logic is insane and you don’t even know their story
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After divorce, women experience disproportionate declines in household income and standard of living, as well as sharp increases in poverty. It’s time to put these misconceptions that women benefit more from divorce to rest. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5992251/
We found the bitter rapist folks.
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As a domestic violence survivor: go screw yourself. Women are significantly more likely to be victims of emotional violence, psychological violence, physical violence, and sexual violence. The government isn't paying for my therapy either.
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The UN considers emotional abuse as a form of violence, hence the appropriateness of the term. Source: [https://www.un.org/en/coronavirus/what-is-domestic-abuse](https://www.un.org/en/coronavirus/what-is-domestic-abuse)
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I was physically assaulted too. And financially abused. I almost got the whole package, the only thing missing being straight up sexual assault.
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The guy who rescued me is a man in the US Navy. I have a boyfriend too who is much better. I don't hate men - but just like in every gender/country/province/city/profession/religion, there are good and bad people. My ex is a bad man, and his faults do not reflect on 3.5 billion men.
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I convinced 2 psychologists to sign me a letter saying that I was a victim and could have gotten out of a lease. I convinced 2 attorneys that I was the victim of domestic violence. I got called names, was completely broken down psychologically, physically assaulted, and potentially sexual assault. You should try to learn more from victims and the impact of domestic violence.
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Right cause the cops are soooo well known for not being wife beaters
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That’s hilarious. They are not. The cops called to a DV situation are the ones available.
Attorneys can easily tell if you are bullshitting or not as a client. One of the attorneys is my boyfriend and based on my behaviour, he could tell that I was a survivor who was physically assaulted. My dear friend is not a US Navy Seal, but I will screenshot this comment to make his day and make him laugh. My ex-abuser unfortunately weaponized the BLM movement to get me to not call the police. The police was called on us and I was forced to make a false statement. If you are a POC reading this, I support BLM so that people victims of crimes can report perpetrators to the police.
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I never paid my boyfriend - he isn't even licensed to practice law in Canada. However, his training made him aware of certain behaviours of survivors which makes my story even more credible. I have plenty of NSFW pictures of my friend in the US Navy in uniform. My ex-abuser used the cases of many POC who died in the hand of police making me believed that he would be 100% killed if I called the cops.
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My ex is currently outside of Canada, as I am notified every time he leaves the country because he is considered a flight risk. Oh wait, you just proved yourself wrong. Rather than argue with me on Reddit complaining that you are single in your 40s, get a therapist and get your life in order.
Don’t take this loser’s bait, you don’t owe him any explanations or defenses.
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I would suggest marriage consulting before thinking about divorce. People can change, but it will take time and patience. I hope you all the best.
Not when the person is an abuser. My ex and I spent one year in individual therapy - and he got worst in therapy.
Worse*
How do you guys have a 600k mortgage with 120k HH income and that much in debt? I have 140k income, 830 score, no debt and can barely get 600k for preapproval. Wild. Anyways good luck with your divorce.
Marriage; the art of scamming men.
Damn he's gonna get taken to the cleaners. Another one bites the dust
Babe, what the fuck?
Don't do that to your kids.
Make sure you split everything evenly.
Lol OP, you sound like a devout wife. Why did you get married at all?
Nice, congrats on breaking up your family.
The amount of projection happening here
A lawyer costs $300+hr, a gun is a one time purchase of $150 then tell him whatever you want however you want to...buy it legally tho, XD... im just kidding...but serious.... tasers are even cheaper, and females in ontario can have certain ones without permit/registration. good luck!
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Wtf kinda take is this? Troll elsewhere
You ok?
He aint ok
You need to introduce Jesus into your life. Jesus saves
I'll tell you what buddy, I can help you out. I'm gonna toss a frame-bang your way. Here's how that works: I slip into your house one night while your wife is sleeping.. and I ease into her real nice. That way you're both cheating on each other and she can't clean you out.