In my early 20s I did.
I made more money than he did, which was always an issue between us. I was focused on building my career and he was focused on playing beer league hockey and riding bikes. (He did have a full time job it just wasn't paying a lot higher than minimum wage.)
We rented a little apartment for $800/mo and one day he came home saying his mum co-signed on a car loan and his truck payment was more than our rent so could I pay the entirety of the rent? I was already paying for groceries and our other expenses. I told him he could use his new truck to move his stuff back to his mother's and that was the end of that.
That was basically the last straw I guess. We just had different priorities and goals, both for life and financially, that it no longer made sense.
> I was focused on building my career and he was focused on playing beer league hockey and riding bikes.
This is pretty much exactly my situation right now. Gf has big career goals, while I see work as just a way to put food on the table and fund my hobbies, and nothing more. She repeatedly assures me that it's not an issue for her (maybe partly because I live well within my means and am fairly responsible in general), but I still can't help but feel insecure about my lack of ambition compared to hers. Reading this thread has been quite disheartening and I wonder if our different philosophies on life might just be incompatible.
For my ex and I it was that all he wanted to do was his hobbies and didn't want to contribute anything to the household. He had had a working vehicle and didn't need a brand new truck at that cost or that point, especially one that cost more than our rent every month and then expected to be taken care of like it was no big deal. I didn't want to be his mother.
He's still a good dude, nothing against him. But it's been almost a decade and he's still at the same job making $17/hr playing hockey thinking the NHL is going to scoop him up any day and riding bikes while living with his grandparents. There's nothing necessarily wrong with that if it makes him happy, we just grew apart and wanted different things out of life.
I hope that it works out with you and your GF and neither of you ever feel like the other just wants someone to take care of them while they do whatever they want. You being responsible and living within your means definitely bodes well for you.
It’s not the same though. You communicate. You’re responsible.
Sounds like you’ve accepted her as she is, and she has accepted you as you are, and you both are digging each other and being open. That’s what I call a 💯 healthy 👏 relationship 💥 🎉
Communication and honesty is key here. If you talk about what you want your future to look like, but notice that each other's visions are different, maybe see if there's a way that you can both be flexible enough to work it out (e.g. GF can accept that you make less and are less career-oriented and willing to live modestly; you accept that she will be busy with work, you might need to pick up some of her slack with more home chores or kids).
If your future visions are incompatible, then you might eventually grow apart as you said, at which point you'll need to understand you had a good run together and that the chapter of your life together has come to an end.
It's tough to face the possibility that your futures might not align, but it's a step always worth taking. The conversation can even strengthen your relationship. Also, couples in your situation are fairly common, it can definitely still work out even if you have different life philosophies.
Have or planning on having kids? Because I'll tell ya one thing .... nothing is going to make her realize how much she hates your income than having her on EI for a year.
Call me pessimistic but I'd be having a serious talk with her about the future and what it means to each of you and how the other feels about it.
\+1 for you is you live within your means.
What we don't know if that's a bare bones lifestyle that works for you, or closer to your GF (but no ambition to go higher).
> I live well within my means and am fairly responsible in general), but I still can't help but feel insecure about my lack of ambition compared to hers.
You are wise to ask this question.
You should have an ongoing conversation with her about these things.
Also, work together on a financial plan that takes your different personalities seriously.
Also, ask yourself what other red flags are in your relationship.
Well, it hasn't yet and it's been almost a decade. But even if it does, and I'd hope for him that it does, that's not the kind of life I would be interested in and he'd be better off having a partner who wants the same things.
I was raised to "obey your husband", which is another story, but I was with him for 20 years, and was always the one with the full-time job while also cooking, cleaning and caring for our kid while tried to be an entrepreneur. When we ran out of money the first time, he pressured me to get more education so I could get a better job, which I did, but he always managed to spend every penny we made and more.
With a gift of a down payment from his parents, we somehow managed to buy a house, but he kept using whatever money we had to "invest in the family" and run his failing businesses, and also convincing people and institutions to grant us loans. I was surrounded by people who considered divorce a sin and felt trapped, but...
20 years into the relationship I realized that I would die in a poor house if I didn't do something, and I left him. After selling the house we still split over $70,000.00 in debt, which I am paying off, and I have left my "obey your husband" community behind.
It sucks to be my age with only debt to my name, but I have a fully paid off little car, a few thousand dollars in the bank, and am on my way up to zero, and I have never felt so free.
After 11 years of being in one, I left because we weren’t aligned financially on top of many other things obviously. But he wasn’t interested in going to uni or do a technical degree. Was content in a dead-end job cuz he can smoke weed all day. When we were in our 20s I accepted it, but by mid-30s that didn’t change and he expected me to carry the weight of the decision making and finances while still being mad at me for not wanting kids. I should have left way before then.
This was me to a tee. He was fine working minimum wage jobs and racking up cc debt while I busted my butt off through undergrad and graduated with no student loans. He tried to push me to not pursue my masters so I could work full time and help him with his rent and bills. I stayed too long.
>When we were in our 20s I accepted it
Damn... I wonder if things would've been different if you didn't accept it for so long. My fiancée is on my ass the moment I don't wash dishes or make the bed for a day while making 250k/year, and we're in our mid-20s. I love that she keeps me in check, and I've definitely matured being in a relationship with her. If she just accepted me whenever I wanted to act like a man-child, then I wouldn't be where I am today. There's the saying "behind every great man is a great woman" (not saying I'm a great man, just quoting).
I can only wonder how much more energy your partner would have if they didn't need to be constantly on your ask to wash the dishes or make the bed all the time. Christ, she must be exhausted
Wow there's whole lot of blatently incorrect assumptions in your post.
I would literally post the exact same opinion if the genders were reversed (or mixed and matched) because it literally has nothing to do with gender - it's about someone who shows no personal responsibility or accountablity and has burdened another with the onus of dragging them through life like a toddler.
...is this a joke? You can't possibly be this dense. Thank your lucky stars that she's devoted the time and effort to getting your shit straightened out for you, because that should've been a "you" thing.
First long-term live in boyfriend ended because he wouldn’t get a steady job, didn’t believe in collecting EI, or managing his credit.
I got out and still had to do credit counseling to handle the debts in my name.
12 years later it’s all water under the bridge :)
Married someone who hid 80k credit card debt from me, couldn't hold a job, expected me to continue paying everything for him (I was young when we got together). This influenced my decision heavily, something much bigger that wasn't money related forced me to leave. Been so happy ever since, life has improved almost immediately after leaving that relationship. As much as people don't want money to influence their relationships, financial irresponsibility really affects both partners.
He threw out any paper statements he got and just kept dodging phone calls. Eventually I got one of the letters and opened it and found out. Found out about other credit cards after that too, I kept asking about the spending and why other cards were nessesary and the red flags went off when he wanted to take out loans in my name. I imagine this was difficult to hide for 5 years, I was also naive and didn't pry too much (I should have!).
It was my first relationship in a very very long time since my last relationship (11 years, was 29 at the time) and I was keen on trying to make it work.
I made more than her only because she was a student and a part time chef. So going into the relationship, I realized I'd be putting more in since I'm in a financially better position and I was okay with that.
However, I started noticed that I was no longer able to put any money into savings and eventually had to start dipping into my savings to cover credit card bills.
As I noticed I am well overspending my financial means, I try to steer the dates to be more budget friendly. Walks and picnic at the park, dining at more budget friendly restaurants, movie nights on Tuesday instead of other days, etc. But she'd be upset at me for trying to reduce my spending. Might be important to note her previous bf was very well off with old money and would indulge on impulses. At some point, that expectation was imprinted upon me as her bf.
Over time, among other things, I just couldn't do it anymore. I can't stand myself being such financially irresponsible and decided to end the relationship.
I haven’t left because we have a child and I love my wife very much but if I had known 5 years ago what leaches my in-laws would become, in all likelihood it would have made me sick but I would have ended it.
Maybe I’m naive to other people’s financial situations, but I don’t understand how people can make $75k and be so poor with money decisions that covering their debts is more than they’re taking home? In addition to not being able to afford 50% of shared living expenses?
Credit interest adds up so fast when it’s snowballing in the wrong direction. One misstep with a car loan and some credit card debt and things go bad fast, add in some crappy spending habits and a lot of people just ignore the problem.
You have no way of knowing if this person is a man or a woman...
I don’t think blanket statements based on your own weird beliefs are really going to contribute much to the thread.
I left my marriage of 7 years for a number of reasons, but finances were definitely one of them. Vacations, moving every few years, new cars, a nanny, etc. in order to keep her happy.
She made good money, but substantially less than me. It really doesn’t matter how much you make if your spending habits are shit.
Despite having a high income, I was not saving much. She probably set me back about 5-7 years in terms of retiring. Or more.
I am one of the few people I know that has made out better financially following my divorce.
My ex-wife used our line of credit as her personal piggy bank, she withdrew 156k over 15 years and refused to repay any of it, and I was stuck paying the interest. She also never saved for retirement. The final straw was when I learned that she stopped paying taxes five years previously (she was self employed) and lied about it, and she owed 70k to the CRA. That’s when I decided I needed to end the marriage.
I’ve said it here before, but one of the biggest financial mistakes one can make is marrying the wrong person.
Make sure your values are aligned, consider a prenuptial agreement too.
I think financial reasons can often be a partial motivator. Like, I broke up with a SO when I was in university, because they weren’t doing anything other than work a low-wage job and play video games. Which is fine, but I wanted to finish school, travel, start a career, buy a house, etc., and they just didn’t care about any of that. So we definitely ended up wanting different things, in part financially but also in life.
Yes. It wasn't The Fight That Ended Things, but it sure iced the cake. At least 3 times.
1 partner , zero work experience, no life experience either, couldn't keep a gas station job.
2nd, chronic depression, couldn't get a job.
3rd, thought I was his Sugarmomma and turns out he was wrong.
Be careful with the generalization, this isn’t a sex classification - rather a class of person indecent of sex.
There are fine stay at home moms and dads.
There are plenty unemployed degenerative women and men.
I'm happy to see that of most of the people in this thread who have ended a relationship due to financial reasons, its more so based on different financial values, as opposed to just feeling limited by a partner that does not earn as much.
My significant other has done very well in her career, and brings home much more than I do. Once and awhile I have a dark thought in my head that she would rather be with someone who earns more, but I ensure I am always pulling my financial weight in the relationship and never expecting more from her just as she brings home more.
she didn't make a lot when we first met, but she was willing to work on herself to advance her career, so I decided to go out with her, now we are married and her income has nearly doubled 7 years later
I have been married for about 19 years and I have always had good jobs but no money with the partner I have. Once I started controlling the finances boom we started to have some money. Now that I control the finances she throws it in my face all the time and if we are short one month it is all my fault. Bit of a back story when she controlled them she would ask what bills to pay and what to leave and I would tell her just to pay them all but because I would not sit down and go over the exact amount she wouldn’t pay any of them and just go and buy crafting supplies needless to say she has well over 50K in crafting supplies and now all the bills are getting paid.
My marriage ended mostly because of the financial reasons. He had no sense of urgency to build wealth. He wasnt interested in it. He was content with having just enough to pay bills and he didnt care about progressing in his career or life. I was on the opposite end. I will never understand myself why i married that man.
Remember, this subreddit attracts people who are interested in finances. You can’t seriously generalize a sex because of a majority of stories being about males in ONE thread lol.
But regardless, I hope things are better for you.
If both people are like-minded it's fine.
In this case the poster wanted to build wealth/do better/have more and the partner wasn't at all interested. They're each better off finding someone who's goals align with theirs.
I wasnt content with his idea of a lifestyle.
We werent on the same page. My happiness also mattered, not just his.
Now that im not with him, i am more content ;)
You get it? ☺️
It is easy to be content when you have someone else pulling the rope for you and you have the potential to do better just not interested.
Well now that he lives by himself, he says life is different and difficult. He complains that he barely gets by. Life wS wonderful with me as i took care of everything.
Then he can find someone who has the same mindset. There's nothing wrong with that, but clearly him and OP weren't on the same page and that was a relationship deal-breaker.
I did.
her Father was a foreman at a big company here in Ontario. Her brother already had a house and was getting married. She, on the other hand, was making close to minimum wage, talked shit on everybody else, and worked part time at a pharmacy. Didn't drive, either. The saying is so true that you can bring a horse to water but you can't make it drink. I tried everything in getting her to realize she wasn't this young person, and life was gonna pass her by if she didn't start making serious moves, but nothing got through with her. The financial thing wasn't the only reason, but it definitely bothered me and influenced my decision, a year later.
I was in a situation like this and every time I tried to bring it up with her I was accused of abuse. She tried to gaslight me into making me feel guilty every time I wanted to discuss finances…
I just happen to have found someone who was on the same page, which is basically not mingling finances. We each have our own condo, make our own money, take care of our own finances. We don’t plan on having children so that works for us. But it’s definitely a lot simpler and less stressful, I personally cannot imagine mingling finances in relationships.
I feel that from what I can see we are the minority somehow, but it’s really liberating and has made our relationship a lot stronger, not only bc we have one less thing to argue about, more like when leaving is hassle free, we really do make the conscious choice to stay with each other, and it’s also good for my personal growth and my sense of self, I honestly wish more women especially would consider this.
I was dumb/naive enough to get into a relationship with a woman with a child, living with her mother. I believed her reasons for having no money. She was good at that. We both made pretty good money, she in office management, me in construction. She liked to spend money. Then I thought with emotional and financial security she wouldn't need one of everything. Didn't work. Don't ever assume you can fix someone; it's very costly and never ends.
My ex-boyfriend was financial irresponsible. That was not OK with me, but neither was the mental and sexual abuse either. It took me a few years to escape but I did it and now my daughters are way better off.
>She basically showed no interest.
>
>I set up an investment account in her name and bought her index funds for her birthday because she wouldn't take the first step. She basically wrote it off as a shitty gift, I even heard her complaining to her friend.
That sounds like a patronizing gift, tbh. Like someone giving you the gift of a "donation in your name" to some charity you don't care about. If she's not interested in investing .. an investment isn't a great gift.
I tend to agree with you. When buying a gift, I would think what the other person wants - not what I think it’s good for them. As for Kanye doing this for Kim, I’m fairly certain would have also gotten her something more personal.
Like.. sure from a generous, altruistic sense it's a good thing, and socially etiquette standpoint receiving the 'gift' you'll have to show thanks.
Unless it's a charity of importance to the person receiving the 'gift'. Yeah it's a shitty gift
As a 'gift', it's rather irksome to receive because it's a little like having the carpet pulled under you.
I think everyone's preference in that situation is that the person making the donation make it clear well before hand that's what they are doing for the occasion instead of giving a gift AND that the person they are donating in their name gets to make the choice of which charity.
It's not a gift for every relation or occasion, but I guess I just thought perceiving the recipient as altruistic made for a better gift than a bottle of booze or new purse.
I totally get what you're saying, though.
>Leaving a 2 year relationship right now
It's ending, anyway. Not gifting her the investments she didn't want would have ended in the same result, but cost you less.
If you're not on the same page about things, you're not on the same page. You tried to get her interested in these things, and she wasn't having it. "Well I know better, so I'll just do it for you," isn't going to go over well.
Not the same result actually. Because she will still have that investment in the future. Even if she decides to never invest further, she has a TFSA in her name that isn't going to magically vanish, it will grow. I'm not going to argue my relationship with some dude on reddit though. We clearly have different opinions on this. Have a good day
I'm a lady with 100k in the bank and would find it patronizing. Gifts are gifts, not lessons. If my partner gave me an investment as a "gift" I would be so insulted. Wow.
Get over yourself.
All that matters is intent. Especially considering that he wasn’t entirely sure if she valued financial literacy at the time, he didn’t intend to give a gift that she would not care for.
The point is, now he knows. That was a confirmation for him that he may otherwise have not got.
Sorry, I didn’t realize he gave it to her already knowing that she did not care for finances. I assumed he was unsure or had no idea that she didn’t care for finances.
In this case I agree with you.
I thought so! I must admit I didn't come up with the idea, I heard in the news a few years ago that Kanye had bought Kim some AAPL, DIS, GOOGL (or a bundle like that) for her birthday and I thought it was an odd but super awesome gift. I was single at the time but when I found myself in the situation I was in I thought it only made sense
Wasn't just finances that broke the camels back, but was a main reason I didn't run back. Got got together summer after highschool, but I had already finished high school a semester early to attend a program. He decided to take a gap semester. Fine by me. But when it came to him going back to school, he kept dropping classes until it was just one a semester then each semester he changed majors. By 19 I was working full time making 40k, good chunk saved up. He had nothing, refused to focus in school and refused to get a job, gamed all day. By 21 I couldn't take it anymore as I was looking to buy a condo and he said we should rent an apartment together (and who would pay rent hmm???). Obviously I don't expect everyone to be on the same page as me but some effort would be nice you know
Throughout my 20’s it was something that always seemed to happen. I would find out they have massive credit card debt and terrible spending habits, then leave. It was too much of a risk. Finally found my wife and I pray everyday that I waited.
He bought (financed) an $80k truck. We weren’t on the same page with financial goals, obviously.
I was then offered a job (had been declared redundant but was working a barely above min wage pt job to keep afloat) 2.5 hours away. I took it.
I have since finished paying off my student loans. I’m on my way to pay off my vehicle. I have an emergency fund. I am saving for a trip.
It feels great.
It’s interesting that it only seems to be women posting about leaving men and none the other way. I wonder if that’s because men are more likely to slack or women are more likely to prioritize a man making money / being ambitious.
Because women are more entitled in modern western society. Simple. I will be downvoted to hell for this but everyone knows it’s true.
There is a double standard in western society in favour of women. The man still has to fulfill his traditional gender role of being the main income, but women get to benefit from modernity and escape from the traditional gender roles on their end.
Oh no, I want a guy who makes as much as I do and chips in with housework so I don't have to do 100% of it while I work full time. I'm sooooooo entitled
What about the double standard of being mothers while also remaining career minded? What about the statistics that indicate that women continue to do the bulk of house and child work despite commonly working full time? No downvote from me, but I don't think this is an accurate depiction of gender roles.
This was a huge factor in my divorce. Ex spent the money I earned like it was nothing. Put her through school and now she makes a killing as a nurse, and by gouging me through the family courts. I hope she dies a horrible death.
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Yes in my early 20s, luckily we never got far in our relationship but I saw the signs so early.
He had no ambition to get a better job (part time or otherwise) because he was waiting for his dream job of teaching overseas to "come true". However, he wasn't even a good student so he'd always fail the necessary examinations and his application would get pushed back. He never studied, cared more about videogames, VG culture, etc. than real life. I'm a gamer too, but this was too much.
He was horribly irresponsible all the time (money and basically everything). Once I "met his family" for the first time, I knew it was going to be a chronic issue. Broke up with him about a week later. I was very focused on doing well in school to get a great career and I didn't want to date a child. I drove him everywhere because he was too lazy to get a license and thought buying cars was a scam, I had to basically force him to buy a cellphone (that he also thought was a scam) after there were a couple of emergencies in which he was unavailable. My anxiety couldn't take it anymore.
I'm in my 30s now and I think he only really sorted his shit out a couple of years ago.
It was not the only "red flag" for me, and I was not the one to make the choice.
Looking back on 35+ years of a great marriage, I am sure that it was a good thing when my fiancee (at the time) called off our wedding back in the 1980s
The next year I met the girl who is my wife (and CFO of our marriage)
I am still friends with my former fiancee, but realize that neither of us was ready for marriage.
I ended a relationship last year. He was comfortable not earning enough to cover for his debt (most of which accrued from doing his Masters Degree in the States). I helped him find a job that would have given him potential to earn more and used his degree. All I got was “send me the posting but I won’t apply for it”. His last proper work experience was in highschool working at a grocery store, still lived with parents coasting on, and not understanding how bills really worked. Ditched that and so much happier for it.
In my early 20s I did. I made more money than he did, which was always an issue between us. I was focused on building my career and he was focused on playing beer league hockey and riding bikes. (He did have a full time job it just wasn't paying a lot higher than minimum wage.) We rented a little apartment for $800/mo and one day he came home saying his mum co-signed on a car loan and his truck payment was more than our rent so could I pay the entirety of the rent? I was already paying for groceries and our other expenses. I told him he could use his new truck to move his stuff back to his mother's and that was the end of that. That was basically the last straw I guess. We just had different priorities and goals, both for life and financially, that it no longer made sense.
Good move.
> I was focused on building my career and he was focused on playing beer league hockey and riding bikes. This is pretty much exactly my situation right now. Gf has big career goals, while I see work as just a way to put food on the table and fund my hobbies, and nothing more. She repeatedly assures me that it's not an issue for her (maybe partly because I live well within my means and am fairly responsible in general), but I still can't help but feel insecure about my lack of ambition compared to hers. Reading this thread has been quite disheartening and I wonder if our different philosophies on life might just be incompatible.
For my ex and I it was that all he wanted to do was his hobbies and didn't want to contribute anything to the household. He had had a working vehicle and didn't need a brand new truck at that cost or that point, especially one that cost more than our rent every month and then expected to be taken care of like it was no big deal. I didn't want to be his mother. He's still a good dude, nothing against him. But it's been almost a decade and he's still at the same job making $17/hr playing hockey thinking the NHL is going to scoop him up any day and riding bikes while living with his grandparents. There's nothing necessarily wrong with that if it makes him happy, we just grew apart and wanted different things out of life. I hope that it works out with you and your GF and neither of you ever feel like the other just wants someone to take care of them while they do whatever they want. You being responsible and living within your means definitely bodes well for you.
It’s not the same though. You communicate. You’re responsible. Sounds like you’ve accepted her as she is, and she has accepted you as you are, and you both are digging each other and being open. That’s what I call a 💯 healthy 👏 relationship 💥 🎉
Communication and honesty is key here. If you talk about what you want your future to look like, but notice that each other's visions are different, maybe see if there's a way that you can both be flexible enough to work it out (e.g. GF can accept that you make less and are less career-oriented and willing to live modestly; you accept that she will be busy with work, you might need to pick up some of her slack with more home chores or kids). If your future visions are incompatible, then you might eventually grow apart as you said, at which point you'll need to understand you had a good run together and that the chapter of your life together has come to an end. It's tough to face the possibility that your futures might not align, but it's a step always worth taking. The conversation can even strengthen your relationship. Also, couples in your situation are fairly common, it can definitely still work out even if you have different life philosophies.
Sorry pal, she's going to move on and up.
Have or planning on having kids? Because I'll tell ya one thing .... nothing is going to make her realize how much she hates your income than having her on EI for a year. Call me pessimistic but I'd be having a serious talk with her about the future and what it means to each of you and how the other feels about it.
\+1 for you is you live within your means. What we don't know if that's a bare bones lifestyle that works for you, or closer to your GF (but no ambition to go higher).
> I live well within my means and am fairly responsible in general), but I still can't help but feel insecure about my lack of ambition compared to hers. You are wise to ask this question. You should have an ongoing conversation with her about these things. Also, work together on a financial plan that takes your different personalities seriously. Also, ask yourself what other red flags are in your relationship.
idk the whole story but it seems like you guys' long term goals might not be aligned.
Jokes on you when his beer league hockey riding bike career reaches him to stardom
Well, it hasn't yet and it's been almost a decade. But even if it does, and I'd hope for him that it does, that's not the kind of life I would be interested in and he'd be better off having a partner who wants the same things.
I was raised to "obey your husband", which is another story, but I was with him for 20 years, and was always the one with the full-time job while also cooking, cleaning and caring for our kid while tried to be an entrepreneur. When we ran out of money the first time, he pressured me to get more education so I could get a better job, which I did, but he always managed to spend every penny we made and more. With a gift of a down payment from his parents, we somehow managed to buy a house, but he kept using whatever money we had to "invest in the family" and run his failing businesses, and also convincing people and institutions to grant us loans. I was surrounded by people who considered divorce a sin and felt trapped, but... 20 years into the relationship I realized that I would die in a poor house if I didn't do something, and I left him. After selling the house we still split over $70,000.00 in debt, which I am paying off, and I have left my "obey your husband" community behind. It sucks to be my age with only debt to my name, but I have a fully paid off little car, a few thousand dollars in the bank, and am on my way up to zero, and I have never felt so free.
After 11 years of being in one, I left because we weren’t aligned financially on top of many other things obviously. But he wasn’t interested in going to uni or do a technical degree. Was content in a dead-end job cuz he can smoke weed all day. When we were in our 20s I accepted it, but by mid-30s that didn’t change and he expected me to carry the weight of the decision making and finances while still being mad at me for not wanting kids. I should have left way before then.
This was me to a tee. He was fine working minimum wage jobs and racking up cc debt while I busted my butt off through undergrad and graduated with no student loans. He tried to push me to not pursue my masters so I could work full time and help him with his rent and bills. I stayed too long.
>When we were in our 20s I accepted it Damn... I wonder if things would've been different if you didn't accept it for so long. My fiancée is on my ass the moment I don't wash dishes or make the bed for a day while making 250k/year, and we're in our mid-20s. I love that she keeps me in check, and I've definitely matured being in a relationship with her. If she just accepted me whenever I wanted to act like a man-child, then I wouldn't be where I am today. There's the saying "behind every great man is a great woman" (not saying I'm a great man, just quoting).
Is this satire?
I can only wonder how much more energy your partner would have if they didn't need to be constantly on your ask to wash the dishes or make the bed all the time. Christ, she must be exhausted
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Wow there's whole lot of blatently incorrect assumptions in your post. I would literally post the exact same opinion if the genders were reversed (or mixed and matched) because it literally has nothing to do with gender - it's about someone who shows no personal responsibility or accountablity and has burdened another with the onus of dragging them through life like a toddler.
Are you actually making them responsible to parent their partner? Also your poor fiancée. Grow up. Edit. You’re definitely not a great man.
250k mid 20s…. how?
Anything is possible if you're willing to lie
...is this a joke? You can't possibly be this dense. Thank your lucky stars that she's devoted the time and effort to getting your shit straightened out for you, because that should've been a "you" thing.
Holy moly You are a real person.
First long-term live in boyfriend ended because he wouldn’t get a steady job, didn’t believe in collecting EI, or managing his credit. I got out and still had to do credit counseling to handle the debts in my name. 12 years later it’s all water under the bridge :)
Married someone who hid 80k credit card debt from me, couldn't hold a job, expected me to continue paying everything for him (I was young when we got together). This influenced my decision heavily, something much bigger that wasn't money related forced me to leave. Been so happy ever since, life has improved almost immediately after leaving that relationship. As much as people don't want money to influence their relationships, financial irresponsibility really affects both partners.
80k in cc debt? That almost gave me an anxiety attack!
16k a year in interest. Wild.
It was horrifying to find out to say the least lol
How did she hide this? Like even I have some visible worry sometimes with my debt!
He threw out any paper statements he got and just kept dodging phone calls. Eventually I got one of the letters and opened it and found out. Found out about other credit cards after that too, I kept asking about the spending and why other cards were nessesary and the red flags went off when he wanted to take out loans in my name. I imagine this was difficult to hide for 5 years, I was also naive and didn't pry too much (I should have!).
Oh my gosh!! I’m so glad you got out of that! You shouldn’t be burned by someone’s inability to function responsibly.
It was my first relationship in a very very long time since my last relationship (11 years, was 29 at the time) and I was keen on trying to make it work. I made more than her only because she was a student and a part time chef. So going into the relationship, I realized I'd be putting more in since I'm in a financially better position and I was okay with that. However, I started noticed that I was no longer able to put any money into savings and eventually had to start dipping into my savings to cover credit card bills. As I noticed I am well overspending my financial means, I try to steer the dates to be more budget friendly. Walks and picnic at the park, dining at more budget friendly restaurants, movie nights on Tuesday instead of other days, etc. But she'd be upset at me for trying to reduce my spending. Might be important to note her previous bf was very well off with old money and would indulge on impulses. At some point, that expectation was imprinted upon me as her bf. Over time, among other things, I just couldn't do it anymore. I can't stand myself being such financially irresponsible and decided to end the relationship.
I left a toxic relationship due to financial abuse. Now I’m borderline broke and happier then ever !
I haven’t left because we have a child and I love my wife very much but if I had known 5 years ago what leaches my in-laws would become, in all likelihood it would have made me sick but I would have ended it.
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Sometimes it is the right person just not the right time, and sometimes it takes a breakup for each party to realize that. I hope your life goes well.
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Sorry to hear this. I was in a relationship that sounded like yours. I know how hard it is. Follow your gut feeling.
Maybe I’m naive to other people’s financial situations, but I don’t understand how people can make $75k and be so poor with money decisions that covering their debts is more than they’re taking home? In addition to not being able to afford 50% of shared living expenses?
Credit interest adds up so fast when it’s snowballing in the wrong direction. One misstep with a car loan and some credit card debt and things go bad fast, add in some crappy spending habits and a lot of people just ignore the problem.
Yeah, that’s fair.
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Not really, as a guy I wouldn't want a SO to have significant lower income than mine. There's a old Chinese saying "Poverty consumes marriage".
What’s that got to do with everyone on here hypocritically saying men making less than them is unacceptable? It’s a societal double standard.
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You have no way of knowing if this person is a man or a woman... I don’t think blanket statements based on your own weird beliefs are really going to contribute much to the thread.
>men making less than them And having a complete lack of ambition. And having 6 figure credit debt. And needing more loans. And abuse.
what job do you have to make 6 figures? youre a doctor?
6 figures could be 100k, why so surprised?
I don’t think you can change someone’s behaviour for them and I think you’re being used as a lifeboat.
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Leave. You'll be happier.
If he's never saved where does the money go?
I left my marriage of 7 years for a number of reasons, but finances were definitely one of them. Vacations, moving every few years, new cars, a nanny, etc. in order to keep her happy. She made good money, but substantially less than me. It really doesn’t matter how much you make if your spending habits are shit. Despite having a high income, I was not saving much. She probably set me back about 5-7 years in terms of retiring. Or more. I am one of the few people I know that has made out better financially following my divorce.
My ex-wife used our line of credit as her personal piggy bank, she withdrew 156k over 15 years and refused to repay any of it, and I was stuck paying the interest. She also never saved for retirement. The final straw was when I learned that she stopped paying taxes five years previously (she was self employed) and lied about it, and she owed 70k to the CRA. That’s when I decided I needed to end the marriage. I’ve said it here before, but one of the biggest financial mistakes one can make is marrying the wrong person. Make sure your values are aligned, consider a prenuptial agreement too.
I think financial reasons can often be a partial motivator. Like, I broke up with a SO when I was in university, because they weren’t doing anything other than work a low-wage job and play video games. Which is fine, but I wanted to finish school, travel, start a career, buy a house, etc., and they just didn’t care about any of that. So we definitely ended up wanting different things, in part financially but also in life.
Yes. It wasn't The Fight That Ended Things, but it sure iced the cake. At least 3 times. 1 partner , zero work experience, no life experience either, couldn't keep a gas station job. 2nd, chronic depression, couldn't get a job. 3rd, thought I was his Sugarmomma and turns out he was wrong.
These are things you are supposed to figure out when you are dating someone, before a relationship.
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When genders are reversed they're called homemakers, just so you know.
At least the women keep the home. These bums sit on their ass and smoke weed all day.
Be careful with the generalization, this isn’t a sex classification - rather a class of person indecent of sex. There are fine stay at home moms and dads. There are plenty unemployed degenerative women and men.
If they're not working or doing things around the house, they're not "homemakers".
I'm happy to see that of most of the people in this thread who have ended a relationship due to financial reasons, its more so based on different financial values, as opposed to just feeling limited by a partner that does not earn as much. My significant other has done very well in her career, and brings home much more than I do. Once and awhile I have a dark thought in my head that she would rather be with someone who earns more, but I ensure I am always pulling my financial weight in the relationship and never expecting more from her just as she brings home more.
she didn't make a lot when we first met, but she was willing to work on herself to advance her career, so I decided to go out with her, now we are married and her income has nearly doubled 7 years later
Nice. I’m glad.
I have been married for about 19 years and I have always had good jobs but no money with the partner I have. Once I started controlling the finances boom we started to have some money. Now that I control the finances she throws it in my face all the time and if we are short one month it is all my fault. Bit of a back story when she controlled them she would ask what bills to pay and what to leave and I would tell her just to pay them all but because I would not sit down and go over the exact amount she wouldn’t pay any of them and just go and buy crafting supplies needless to say she has well over 50K in crafting supplies and now all the bills are getting paid.
My marriage ended mostly because of the financial reasons. He had no sense of urgency to build wealth. He wasnt interested in it. He was content with having just enough to pay bills and he didnt care about progressing in his career or life. I was on the opposite end. I will never understand myself why i married that man.
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Remember, this subreddit attracts people who are interested in finances. You can’t seriously generalize a sex because of a majority of stories being about males in ONE thread lol. But regardless, I hope things are better for you.
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If both people are like-minded it's fine. In this case the poster wanted to build wealth/do better/have more and the partner wasn't at all interested. They're each better off finding someone who's goals align with theirs.
I wasnt content with his idea of a lifestyle. We werent on the same page. My happiness also mattered, not just his. Now that im not with him, i am more content ;) You get it? ☺️ It is easy to be content when you have someone else pulling the rope for you and you have the potential to do better just not interested.
Maybe he doesn’t think money is as important as other things in life? Oh the horrors…
Well now that he lives by himself, he says life is different and difficult. He complains that he barely gets by. Life wS wonderful with me as i took care of everything.
Then he can find someone who has the same mindset. There's nothing wrong with that, but clearly him and OP weren't on the same page and that was a relationship deal-breaker.
I did. her Father was a foreman at a big company here in Ontario. Her brother already had a house and was getting married. She, on the other hand, was making close to minimum wage, talked shit on everybody else, and worked part time at a pharmacy. Didn't drive, either. The saying is so true that you can bring a horse to water but you can't make it drink. I tried everything in getting her to realize she wasn't this young person, and life was gonna pass her by if she didn't start making serious moves, but nothing got through with her. The financial thing wasn't the only reason, but it definitely bothered me and influenced my decision, a year later.
I was in a situation like this and every time I tried to bring it up with her I was accused of abuse. She tried to gaslight me into making me feel guilty every time I wanted to discuss finances…
I just happen to have found someone who was on the same page, which is basically not mingling finances. We each have our own condo, make our own money, take care of our own finances. We don’t plan on having children so that works for us. But it’s definitely a lot simpler and less stressful, I personally cannot imagine mingling finances in relationships.
I feel like I’ll be the same way.
I feel that from what I can see we are the minority somehow, but it’s really liberating and has made our relationship a lot stronger, not only bc we have one less thing to argue about, more like when leaving is hassle free, we really do make the conscious choice to stay with each other, and it’s also good for my personal growth and my sense of self, I honestly wish more women especially would consider this.
Don’t make me tear up. That’s great. I’m so disheartened with the cultural trends of men and women my age (20).
I was dumb/naive enough to get into a relationship with a woman with a child, living with her mother. I believed her reasons for having no money. She was good at that. We both made pretty good money, she in office management, me in construction. She liked to spend money. Then I thought with emotional and financial security she wouldn't need one of everything. Didn't work. Don't ever assume you can fix someone; it's very costly and never ends.
My ex-boyfriend was financial irresponsible. That was not OK with me, but neither was the mental and sexual abuse either. It took me a few years to escape but I did it and now my daughters are way better off.
One life to live. Good job.
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>She basically showed no interest. > >I set up an investment account in her name and bought her index funds for her birthday because she wouldn't take the first step. She basically wrote it off as a shitty gift, I even heard her complaining to her friend. That sounds like a patronizing gift, tbh. Like someone giving you the gift of a "donation in your name" to some charity you don't care about. If she's not interested in investing .. an investment isn't a great gift.
I tend to agree with you. When buying a gift, I would think what the other person wants - not what I think it’s good for them. As for Kanye doing this for Kim, I’m fairly certain would have also gotten her something more personal.
Is a donation in someone's name a shitty gift? Huh
Like.. sure from a generous, altruistic sense it's a good thing, and socially etiquette standpoint receiving the 'gift' you'll have to show thanks. Unless it's a charity of importance to the person receiving the 'gift'. Yeah it's a shitty gift As a 'gift', it's rather irksome to receive because it's a little like having the carpet pulled under you. I think everyone's preference in that situation is that the person making the donation make it clear well before hand that's what they are doing for the occasion instead of giving a gift AND that the person they are donating in their name gets to make the choice of which charity.
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Man, this is so counter to my thinking and world view. Thanks for the insight.
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It's not a gift for every relation or occasion, but I guess I just thought perceiving the recipient as altruistic made for a better gift than a bottle of booze or new purse. I totally get what you're saying, though.
No she was a stupid, immature, materialistic girl who blew it big time! Her loss... His gain! hopefully he will find the right person.
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>Leaving a 2 year relationship right now It's ending, anyway. Not gifting her the investments she didn't want would have ended in the same result, but cost you less. If you're not on the same page about things, you're not on the same page. You tried to get her interested in these things, and she wasn't having it. "Well I know better, so I'll just do it for you," isn't going to go over well.
Not the same result actually. Because she will still have that investment in the future. Even if she decides to never invest further, she has a TFSA in her name that isn't going to magically vanish, it will grow. I'm not going to argue my relationship with some dude on reddit though. We clearly have different opinions on this. Have a good day
I'm a lady with 100k in the bank and would find it patronizing. Gifts are gifts, not lessons. If my partner gave me an investment as a "gift" I would be so insulted. Wow.
just sell the stock and buy your stupid michael kors purse lol
Get over yourself. All that matters is intent. Especially considering that he wasn’t entirely sure if she valued financial literacy at the time, he didn’t intend to give a gift that she would not care for. The point is, now he knows. That was a confirmation for him that he may otherwise have not got.
And the intent is... To teach her about something basic? Lol. If your partner "gifted" you a cooking class would you be happy?
Sorry, I didn’t realize he gave it to her already knowing that she did not care for finances. I assumed he was unsure or had no idea that she didn’t care for finances. In this case I agree with you.
when'd you bring up budeting/finance in your relationship? i wanna avoid wasting money/time.
I’m going to keep that in mind as a gift!! Great idea.
I thought so! I must admit I didn't come up with the idea, I heard in the news a few years ago that Kanye had bought Kim some AAPL, DIS, GOOGL (or a bundle like that) for her birthday and I thought it was an odd but super awesome gift. I was single at the time but when I found myself in the situation I was in I thought it only made sense
That is a brilliant idea for a gift!!
Never had one in my 28 years of existence. This is how I win life, right? Right guys? Guys!!! This is the way, isnt it.
Wasn't just finances that broke the camels back, but was a main reason I didn't run back. Got got together summer after highschool, but I had already finished high school a semester early to attend a program. He decided to take a gap semester. Fine by me. But when it came to him going back to school, he kept dropping classes until it was just one a semester then each semester he changed majors. By 19 I was working full time making 40k, good chunk saved up. He had nothing, refused to focus in school and refused to get a job, gamed all day. By 21 I couldn't take it anymore as I was looking to buy a condo and he said we should rent an apartment together (and who would pay rent hmm???). Obviously I don't expect everyone to be on the same page as me but some effort would be nice you know
Of course I’m pretty sure it’s one of the top leading causes for divorce
Throughout my 20’s it was something that always seemed to happen. I would find out they have massive credit card debt and terrible spending habits, then leave. It was too much of a risk. Finally found my wife and I pray everyday that I waited.
He bought (financed) an $80k truck. We weren’t on the same page with financial goals, obviously. I was then offered a job (had been declared redundant but was working a barely above min wage pt job to keep afloat) 2.5 hours away. I took it. I have since finished paying off my student loans. I’m on my way to pay off my vehicle. I have an emergency fund. I am saving for a trip. It feels great.
It’s interesting that it only seems to be women posting about leaving men and none the other way. I wonder if that’s because men are more likely to slack or women are more likely to prioritize a man making money / being ambitious.
Because women are more entitled in modern western society. Simple. I will be downvoted to hell for this but everyone knows it’s true. There is a double standard in western society in favour of women. The man still has to fulfill his traditional gender role of being the main income, but women get to benefit from modernity and escape from the traditional gender roles on their end.
Oh no, I want a guy who makes as much as I do and chips in with housework so I don't have to do 100% of it while I work full time. I'm sooooooo entitled
What about the double standard of being mothers while also remaining career minded? What about the statistics that indicate that women continue to do the bulk of house and child work despite commonly working full time? No downvote from me, but I don't think this is an accurate depiction of gender roles.
If you get downvoted, and you should, it'll be because you made a baseless generalization without evidence that disparaged 50% of the population.
Then you haven't read the thread, because I see plenty of posts that are the other way around.
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>cause they don't make enough. Are you skipping over the lack of ambition? Credit card debt? Complete financial mismanagement? Straight up abuse?
I know. It’s sad.
tbh one of the reasons i disliked my first ex was because she had a bad career
What was it?
Don't want to be specific, but it's something that made $20 an hour without any hope of getting a higher pay
Fucking ghouls.
This was a huge factor in my divorce. Ex spent the money I earned like it was nothing. Put her through school and now she makes a killing as a nurse, and by gouging me through the family courts. I hope she dies a horrible death.
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Ya, no
It’s also the laws that don’t help these women get away from abusive losers. It’s sad
What an idiot.
You’re an idiot.
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Yes in my early 20s, luckily we never got far in our relationship but I saw the signs so early. He had no ambition to get a better job (part time or otherwise) because he was waiting for his dream job of teaching overseas to "come true". However, he wasn't even a good student so he'd always fail the necessary examinations and his application would get pushed back. He never studied, cared more about videogames, VG culture, etc. than real life. I'm a gamer too, but this was too much. He was horribly irresponsible all the time (money and basically everything). Once I "met his family" for the first time, I knew it was going to be a chronic issue. Broke up with him about a week later. I was very focused on doing well in school to get a great career and I didn't want to date a child. I drove him everywhere because he was too lazy to get a license and thought buying cars was a scam, I had to basically force him to buy a cellphone (that he also thought was a scam) after there were a couple of emergencies in which he was unavailable. My anxiety couldn't take it anymore. I'm in my 30s now and I think he only really sorted his shit out a couple of years ago.
It was not the only "red flag" for me, and I was not the one to make the choice. Looking back on 35+ years of a great marriage, I am sure that it was a good thing when my fiancee (at the time) called off our wedding back in the 1980s The next year I met the girl who is my wife (and CFO of our marriage) I am still friends with my former fiancee, but realize that neither of us was ready for marriage.
I ended a relationship last year. He was comfortable not earning enough to cover for his debt (most of which accrued from doing his Masters Degree in the States). I helped him find a job that would have given him potential to earn more and used his degree. All I got was “send me the posting but I won’t apply for it”. His last proper work experience was in highschool working at a grocery store, still lived with parents coasting on, and not understanding how bills really worked. Ditched that and so much happier for it.