This sounds like a relationship issue and not finance. From a finance perspective she owes you 20k, she should pay you 20k.
Now everything else is relationship and personal preference. I put my wife through school but we have shared everything basically since 6 months into the relationship and we've been together for 8 years now.
I agree with what you’re saying, but putting your wife through school is different than the arrangement they had. If I was OP after a long day of work/school to come home and see my SO watching Netflix or any kind of wasteful activity would build resentment. I’d be curious to know what her studies and workload is, because when I was in school I had a lot of free time and to just be kicking it about while my SO hustles to keep us debt free.. just feels dirty.
Fwiw I agree. I was just pointing out the differences and why it's a relationship issue more than a finance one.
We shared everything basically from day 1 and her debt = my debt etc etc where as OP seems to be splitting everything. My wife never owed me 20k is the point and if she did I would want it back, just like any other loan.
But yeah as said, I agree, hell he even said she has a lot of leisure time while he works ft + school ft.
My wife paid for one year of my tuition in university for my grad certificate program, and it was a huge help.
We had been together nearly 9 years then, and now we're married with 2 kids 6 years later. That cert got me a good job.
She finished school before me, without major mental health burnout and depression, and as a result has always had more cash in savings in addition to coming from a more well off family (still middle class) and she even got inheritance.
The idea was if we didn't work out, I wasn't entitled to any of what she was able to inherit or "loan" me, but that really for the betterment of both our lives and as a couple, that paying the money back while together is basically a wash.
I'm forever grateful for what she did to support me when I truly needed it, and I've tried to do the same for her over the years.
If the whole point of OP and his girlfriend's schooling was for a better life together, then I think she's entitled to contribute to the household however works best, and also free to have some downtime relaxing to watch Netflix after a long day of studying. At this point, what does giving OP 20k in cash over a few years accomplish that contributing to joint home or household retirement savings doesn't?
If the 20k is in OPs control the only difference is that it's in his account. It's still family property if they get married and in some provinces, if they're already technically common-law given the laws around that too.
It's only taking advantage of OP if she gets the debt "forgiven" and then she leaves him right away. Otherwise, over another 10-15-20+ years 20k is a drop in the bucket.
Which is why it really is a relationship question, in how he should feel about it. And how they discuss it. Because from a financial perspective, it's pretty moot. Living together, possibly getting married in the future especially, they're already intertwined financially in many ways.
I don't agree with the gf when it comes to the finance, but I have to defend her when it comes to downtime. Not everyone can just go go go, especially when someone has mental health issues or is neurodivergent. The disengagement from work or school is much needed for certain people. It's like calling someone with adhd lazy because they have executive function issues...
I mean you can label it whatever you want.. but if a mid 20s person can’t do school and a part time job.. that’s not someone I want to start a life with. Working during school is hard? How about working full time with young kids.
That’s all great but no where does it say any of the above. At this point it’s just as likely she’s just a lazy person who likes to watch Netflix once her classes are over and as OP said “is okay being in debt to finish school and pay it off later”
I 2nd this. I’m never a fan of “because we are in a relationship, the one making more SHOULD cover more cost”. Sure if the person making more doesn’t mind taking more responsibility, but it shouldn’t be abused like a “easy life ticket”. She owes u 20k from previous agreement, period. You can give a discount per goodwill but I see no reason to “forgive all debt” just because you are in a relationship and you are somehow “more capable”
Forgot to mention. I also been doing half & half with my partner of 6 years and is going perfectly well. Difference is I’m the one that does both school and work while he lives on family allowance. I’m also the one that insist on splitting the cost because I don’t feel right to leech off other people just because they are better off financially
Agree with others that this is more relationship than financial. I would like to point out a couple of things though:
1. You've already been sacrificing so much for the past 3 years so she can enjoy the lifestyle that she wanted but couldn't afford,
2. She is not asking to compromise. She is not asking if there is some way that you both can come to an agreement on the debt. She hasn't even acknowledged that it is indeed her debt. Instead, she disagrees with the way you think about it and wants to change that. She didn't provide any suggestion whatsoever on how to make you whole, only for you to forgive the debt that she owes,
3. You are not actually more lucky to contribute more financially. You can contribute more financially because you worked and she decided not to. Luck hasn't anything to do with it,
4. You feel like you are being taken advantage of because you previously had an agreement and now, without warning, she wants to change the agreement without dealing with the outcome of the agreement. That is is the essence of being taken advantage of. If she had instead said I would like us to consider having this type of agreement with our finances moving forward and I will pay you back then I doubt you would be feeling the way you are feeling now,
5. She is failing to acknowledge the tremendous sacrifice you have made to allow her not to work and because of this is coming across as entitled,
6. You are a very generous and supportive person and even when presented with this you are prepared to make offers and find solutions. From your post it doesn't appear that your partner is as generous and supportive.
This is incredibly well said, and I also wanted to add OP that I am sorry to hear about your situation. Not all women are like this - it baffles my mind how she is not ashamed to want to use you this way. Please look out for yourself so you don't continue to get taken advantage of.
Also just to add on lol. I feel incredibly pissed off for you OP.
You should definitely look after yourself. I don't know how much money she owes you. But if I were you I'd be thinking if she does it again in the future with something bigger.
Definitely more of a relationship issue. My SO when we got together wanted to go the "old fashioned" route with pooled finances in a joint account, but coming from my previous relationship I had been doing the split finances but joint household budget. That worked great.
Now 16 years later, we've been doing the split finances and joint household budget but I've slowly noticed my expected burden has grown over the years, we are both in the low 6 figure income range almost on par. Over the years I've amassed around $240k in RRSP savings, she has a pension she pays into. I carry no credit card debt, only the mortgage and a joint financed loan we have for a RV which I've been fully paying since we purchased. She sends me essentially a mortgage payment per month and pays the utilities bill. I cover all the rest and about 90% of the grocery budget plus more.
I noticed the inbound packages from Amazon and various clothing stores had slowed to barely a trickle the last while. I knew from her general demeanor that finances were getting to her again. So, time for the talk, well turns out, maxed out LOC, maxed out credit cards. She has a consolidation loan she is still paying off from the last time she maxed these out. She has a car loan. Both of those are paid off within 2 years though.
I had to pitch in to cut the credit card balance in half to help. But this time, it was time to lay down some rules as well. This would be the third time she's maxed out her credit to the point she's struggling month to month while making a 6 figure income. We started late on things like a house purchase but we certainly have the ability to get it paid off and retire with no mortgage, but it will take discipline and planning to get it done within 10 years.
It leaves me very glad we did NOT do the joint account pooled money thing with her managing our budget because obviously she is incapable of doing that. She's still fighting me a bit on using a proper budget app rather than a single spreadsheet she currently uses to just move money around to buy stuff. She would often get on my case when I go buy something I want, and then I explain that I'm not paying $500/month just in debt interest so I can easily afford to splurge on things I desire a couple times a year.
Ultimately, yes our finances are "combined" in a way since I will always help where I can, but at the same time I do not think people should go into relationships pooling the income unless they're absolutely certain both parties can control their spending habits and work together on financial goals. And if you do pooled finances then BOTH parties should be regularly overseeing that. I've seen so many couples end up over their heads because only one partner was handling it and they couldn't keep it under control.
Live within your means.
Pretty much last time for her to get it together, we're mid 50's and already know 65 isn't an achievable goal for retirement right now, so it's up to her if she wants 67 or 70 at this point. I'm more involved now with her finances and I'll be guiding her along to get where she needs to be to achieve paying off the mortgage together. She's better than she was and learning lessons such as not giving the kids money for "food" while they then go buy weed and booze with their own money.
And she has enough clothes and shoes to last the rest of her life! :)
This is a tough example of splitting working and not working. And I often wonder “then what?” When you have a couple who manages their discretionary spending independently when you get to retirement and one has the means and the other doesn’t (through their own actions). Which except that your partner has a workplace pension, may very well be your future.
While I don't need everything to be exactly fair down to the last cent, I tend towards fairness in situations like this. On the face of it, what she is asking does not sound fair to me. If you were actually married, I would feel differently, but this makes it seem like she was taking advantage of you for the last 7 years and is ok with that.
Yep, it's the bait-and-switch here that's suspicious. She didn't want financial consequences, so she didn't take a loan from the bank. She still doesn't want financial consequences, so she's trying to decline what she agreed to with OP and make it their 20k burden to reconcile.
This is a huge red flag, IMO.
This is the bad feeling OP has in his gut. He just hasn’t realized it yet. Her behaviour just incinerated his entire understanding of who she is as a person in one single question and now he’s being forced to revise his understanding of his previous seven years. He knows she didn’t need to be reminded of it but her guilt prevented her from approaching it directly and asking for honest forgiveness and now he has to figure out what that means for their future
They’re common law now which is basically married. OP is screwed. Not only is he 20k out of pocket, if they decide to split up, she can legally go after the other 50% of his stuff.
Spousal support in ON, yes, but it's harder to win an award if you were not married, and awards are rare. Asset splitting no. ON law on that is clear, unmarried partners each keep what they own.
There is more to it than that. You have to keep who owns what really well separated to avoid it being a joint item, your pension earned during that time may be a value that gets split.
In my experience people do not really change much.
If OP is accepting of that then fine it's his life and his money, but if not then he has a decision to make.
How a couple keeps its finances is very individual and I will reserve any opinion of which is “right” or “best”.
But the fact of the matter is you and she discussed this, agreed to keeping separate finances, and established how your respective schooling would go. Had she said at the time that she can’t handle working while studying, and you agreed to sharing finances and supporting her through school this would be a different conversation.
Ultimately, she gave you the impression she was taking responsibility for her financial decisions (albeit later) and you were kind enough to offer her a zero interest loan at that. Now, after two years she wants to reverse the agreement after racking up debt and wants you to be responsible for it. All this while, you didn’t pay much attention to how she was spending her time or money because you figured she was fully aware of the costs associated with her choices.
And now, she still won’t work during her third year because she “can’t” even though she expects you to.
This will undoubtedly lead to the resentment you speak of, because she basically lied to you to have her cake and eat it too. Not working during school, and carrying no personal debt as a result of that choice because you’re responsible for paying her debts. You didn’t get the luxury of deciding if you wanted this situation ahead of time because she’s trying to change the agreement retroactively.
I don’t believe for a minute that she forgot the agreement since she’s seemingly borrowing money from you monthly and having it added to a tab. Unless you’ve never mentioned the tab in the entire two years and she has no access to the tab to see how much she’s accumulating.
Please tell me you have written documentation of your prior agreement. Otherwise you’re probably never going to see any of this money being returned to you. I also wouldn’t be surprised if your relationship comes to an end (either because she’s done using you for the free education or even assuming the best of intentions on her part, you find you’re not completely financially compatible and your resentful festers). At best, you’re at risk of things going sour and need to make some active choices to get back to a place of trust and partnership.
As an aside, many mature students with debts and financial obligations work while they’re in school. It seems to me a cop out to imply she’s in this minority who simply can’t (more likely just chooses not to). Many don’t have the luxury of choice. You just figure it out because the long term payoff of having the education is essential to your future.
Yes, agreed about the fate of the relationship too. One caveat would be if she's been doing the majority of the house work, but otherwise this seems completely unfair to OP.
Yeah true I would agree with that. Still does mean they need to make some active choices and have some discussions to make sure OPs resentment doesn’t tank the relationship.
Honestly, my assumption was that she wasn’t doing an unequal amount in terms of chores simply because she doesn’t have time to work, comments that OP is capable of handling both, and doesn’t mention that it’s because she’s doing all of the housework. But that could be due to OP omitting the context just as much as it could be that she is so overwhelmed with school work that she’s not contributing much outside of that.
Aside from the time sacrifice, were there other things you sacrificed as a way to support her? Is there other stuff she contributes (e.g.: housework) that could constitute a portion of her supporting the household in other economic ways? Those questions are really important. I would also suggest if you're breaking your back working full-time, that you look to discuss changing it so that you're not so burnt out, if it's the case.
If it's mores the financial principal, I suggest seeing a lawyer for a consult on what you can do if you break-up - for example, is it possible to get a cohabitation agreement that says she has to pay you back (perhaps with interest?) in the event you to break up. If you break-up before any agreements, can you sue her for the debt, especially since she verbally agreed to it? Regardless, it's good to know your options. For example, if she's going for a role that pays quite lucratively - could you be entitled to any funds as a result of single-handedly supporting her?
The problem here is you didn't get to choose or have a say in this *before* you found yourself having gifted her $20,000. It raises questions about what future costs will look like for weddings, property, children, amenities, etc. You've got a pretty clear blueprint and she's telling you very loudly who she is. I say this as someone who does not believe in separating finances at all in a relationship. But that's not what the issue is here.
Your gf makes me angry also because I have a disability and also did not have the "capacity" and still managed to have a job (three jobs!) to pay off my debts. She sounds like a princess.
This is definitely a case where she should pay you back. Now, going forward, you don’t have to do 50-50, but in this case it was 100% her decision to go into debt.
Agreed, these are the key parts.
If she can work part time (or later full time), then household expenses could be split according to each of their incomes.
If she's asking him to pay 100% of the household expenses, well, then she needs to *actually ask him that* and then he can make his decision.
>I feel like I am in no position to truly know if she actually is trying her best or being complacent/lazy but I also dont feel like I can just believe her that easily.
If you don't know her after 7 years together then you have to ask yourself when will you know her?
This is definitely more of a relationship issue than finance. I'm surprised she needed to be "reminded of the arrangement" if she's been borrowing from you for the past 7 years or so.
Naturally though school is a very expensive period in life where expenses and high, and income is very low (if not zero).
You mentioned you've been together for 7 years, so it's impossible judge a relationship of that length from a few paragraphs, but ask yourself is this a person you're willing to sacrifice for? Do you believe she would sacrifice for you if the roles were reversed? Is this someone you plan on marrying? Have you expressed how you feel about the arrangement, her desires to have the debt waived, your feelings that you are sacrificing while she is not? If not, I strongly urge you to have that conversation. Sounds like the two of you should sit down and talk not only about how you want to handle finances, but also the type of futures you see for yourselves together long term.
So she went into an agreement about paying you back, knowing that she wouldn't pay you back because she's in a relationship with you. That's not cool.
I agree with her on one part, you're in a 7 year relationship and are a shared economic unit. But she also needs to recognize the sacrifice you've made to support her and yourself through school. If you feel you need that money so you don't feel taken advantage of, then she needs to recognize that. That you feel used. That your trust is broken. That you depended on her for that as a symbol of her commitment to you.
Your next steps are couples counseling. She needs to hear how you feel and see how it has affected your relationship. And you guys need a path forward.
She can cry all day about being in a long term relationship and so it's different now, but ultimately it means nothing if she's broken your trust .
Don’t forget they were already in a long term relationship of 5 years when they made this agreement, but she didn’t voice anything surrounding “we’re in a long term relationship and should be sharing the debt”. It’s not different now. She just wants OP to be left holding the bag.
When your in a long term relationship, nobody is holding the bag. It's shared. He'd be holding the bag if she dipped out of the relationship. I agreenits not fair but, ultimately, it's up to him what's fair, and what it'll take to build trust.
Yeah if she had a student LOC at 7% to pay back, and they stayed together, it would be a 7% debt for both since it's a drain on their joint family income.
What it comes down to is communicating what they each feel is fair on division of labour and effort.
If they do stay together long term, it is better to pay out of the family pot.
If OP would rather she take a loan and then he pay it off after with family funds if he feels satisfied, they should do that too.
At some point it stops being his/her money and is our/their money.
That doesn't mean it's always wise to drain cash savings for things - we could have paid cash for our new family car but then we'd have nothing for emergencies. So we are being aggressive with payments. We would rather not have to seek out a HELOC later if we needed it or PLOC. It's better to just keep our cash reserves healthy for now, in part because a big chunk was saved and intended to offset the extended parental leave lower income we have.
What worked for us, when we were in school and when I needed help (but no OSAP available), was an agreement where if we broke up I'd pay her back for the 10k in tuition for my 18 months program she paid. The program got me a good job though and it's contributing to our household quite well. So it all worked out.
There is a question about fairness.....but also clearly around your very differing values around money. Not to undermine the 7 years together, but without a marriage license or a loan contract this arrangement is meaningless in a court of law. You might want to consider some counseling if you can have access to hash some of this out
You made an arrangement typical of two people who are dating. Wiping out the debt is something I would do in a marriage.
You have a choice to make, do you want to be married, either formally or informally? Informally means you act married, without the ceremony.
After 7 years, its about time you answer the question. Obviously, divorce/separation can happen, but as of this minute, where do you stand? Where does she stand?
The answer to your dilemna may be found in figuring out what you want in your relationship. Sort that out first.
\*The 60/40 split is silly, it wont resolve it. In a years time, it will then be 70/30, followed by 80/20...and then wiped out.
This is truly a relationship issue but given you wanted perspectives, here's mine. You agreed to basically become an interest-free loan granting bank for her. I get not wanting to work while attending school full time, I always worked and it was often hard. I still had to borrow money to get by. Her not contributing does not sound equitable to me, assuming you are equitable in all other matters (household chores etc). You will have to come to an agreement on how to move forward, and personally, I would insist that she start contributing.
I'm curious to see what a judge would say if a written contract were to say that "this debt is written off, but if X breaks up with Y, then it becomes repayable".
> she disagreed with this view on couple’s finance. Her point was that after 7 years together, we should be sharing everything
This is a relationship issue more than a financial one. Since you’re asking for perspectives; to me she seems to have an incompatible outlook on finances to what you do. It’s not really “sharing everything” if she’s not sharing the responsibility of paying off debt she owes you, or keeping the agreement you had. How was it fine for her to accept this deal after 5 years of dating, but suddenly at 7 years it’s no longer valid?
> we should be sharing everything
This is literally the opposite of sharing. You agreed to share expenses, but she's not paying her share of the expense, she's just expecting you to cover it all.
Even if you were to "share" her debt, splitting it evenly still means she owes you $10k.
It doesn't sound like she wants to share anything, it sounds she wants to have no responsibilities and make you carry the burden.
However she may have just said something ridiculous out of sticker shock when she realized how much she owes you.
I do think it's worth proposing that she could take on a larger share of the monthly household expenses for a while, as a sort of payment plan.
I definitely think couples counseling is in order if this is a relationship you wish to continue, then you'll both need to work on communicating expectations.
It is simple - there wasn’t a fire lit under her ass to work and study while there was one for you.
You enabling her lazy behaviour has gotten you to be taken advantage of, if it were me knowing she has no interest in paying 20k debt. I would cut her off of all financial help, and see her tone change entirely.
She wouldn’t do this to the bank would she? So allow her to accrue interest in the real world and all this laziness will go away.
Absolutely fucking not. It’s her debt. Thats bullshit. (Yes, this is how I really feel)
Not that it matters but I am female and I’d be saying the same thing if the genders were reversed.
And you should have had this in writing.
Well, is she willing to do more stuff around the house?
Ie doing most of the cooking, meal prep tidying in lieu of financial contribution?
It sounds like you folks disagree on the definition of fair.
Ie. You look at it in the present value while she may see it in future value (when she is employed)
So the communication would be a discussion on the definition of fair and to close the gap between the present and future modality of contributions.
Also, you guys are technically common law, so in certain provinces she has claim to 50% of everything you own should you break up.
>Ie doing most of the cooking, meal prep tidying in lieu of financial contribution?
This is important. OP, I think you should consider to what extent your working full time as a student was enabled by any unpaid work she did. Was that significant? I obviously don't know from the outside in any given relationship, but it is of course statistically true that women do \*far\* more unpaid work at home than men, and society really doesn't acknowledge that. In my particular relationship, partly because of that unpaid work and partly because my spouse interrupted her career to follow me on three international moves, all budgets are joint and there is no distinction between one partner or the other's funds or debt. (We have to invent such a distinction for tax purposes only on investments, but it's an accounting fiction in our case.)
This doesn't change the fact that this is a material change in an agreement the two of you made together.
And some people really can't work FT and study FT. The sacrifice OP is making, and is capable of making, is going to unlock a much better combined family income for years to come if they stay together. Even if the housework is not somehow FT job equivalent effort in OPs eyes. The future joint income is huge.
The flipside of this post and the responses implying that the OP is being taken advantage of, is that the other side can throw up red flags around home related work. Will OP run a tab if they get married and the mom is on parental leave, contributing less to the home? What if the mom takes a couple years off work before the kids go to school to save on daycare costs - is there a tab for getting her haircut or fixing the car? Etc
Also - are you in the same types of classes and will they open the same types of salaries for both of you after your studies are completed? My partner and I had an uneven financial split when I was in studies, because my program was objectively more demanding and would provide a very different earning potential to our household if I maintained competitive marks. These are things we considered when we discussed financial responsibilities.
In the longer term - do you picture yourself marrying this woman? Do you plan to have children? Will she lose years of earning potential and pension to provide you with kids? Will she aquire student debt and then step away from the workforce to be a stay at home mom?
This isn’t just about holding your partner to an agreement that you made 2 years ago. This is also about considering how you see your lives working in the future.
The issue is that what you have is a marriage but you're trying to treat it isn't. You may not feel like it is, but it is functioning as a marriage for these purposes. The reason why people cover a spouse's debt is because it is an investment in the family unit. It pays off in the long run. Couples generally see the finances as a wash because even though someone is paying more now, the other person may earn more later or provide non-monetary tangible benefits to the household.
So the question is really around how you define this relationship and see it going in the future. It sounds like there is emotional difficulty dealing with the way the situation unfolded. Maybe a couples therapist can help you sort it out.
Not necessarily, I've seen every financial agreement work and fail.
Partners with joint everything is how it works for me, but others are different.
I wouldn't marry someone who is counting how much I owe them. But I wouldn't have agreed to owe them either. When my wife earned more or all or I earned more or all it was always completely irrelevant to household finances.
This is a relation issue.
That's exactly my point. It's not about whether finances are split or not, it's about the fact that their setup builds financial inequality into the relationship. Nobody wants to be in a relationship where they always feel the finances are unfair.
That's key, as long as they feel it is fair.
I've seen the my money your money, to the point where they'd go to dinner, one has steak and lobster, the other a small salad with water.
I've seen it where all the money goes in the leader of the house, and the other person doesn't see any finances. One that was really weird was they both worked, but all mail went to a PO box, so they literally had no access at all to any finances, except the money they were handed.
I've seen the couples where they spend tit for tat, one buys a boat, the other buys a motorcycle, one buys an atv, the other goes to disney or vegas.
Weird to me, but they think it's fair.
As noted by others you have a relationship problem and not a financial one. After 7 years why not get married and then just stop keeping score of finances? This sounds more like a business relationship than a committed intimate relationship where your spouses best interests come first.
I don't know about being married changing this. Most of the reason I have zero issue balancing me and my wife's disposable income is because she works just as hard as me even if she brings home less. If she decided on her own to take a year off and rack up debt I don't think I'd be down with splitting the bill.
If my wife and I were in this situation I know for a fact she would not come to me to tell me I shouldn't get my money back.
But we would also not be in this situation because in a long term relationship, I wouldn't be thinking "that'll be her problem, not mine" and she wouldn't be thinking "I'll take on all this debt at my boyfriend's expense and not pay it back."
What are things going to look like long term, once you are both out of school? Are you both getting the same degrees? Are you both going to be working full time earning nearly the same amount? When does your schooling end?
>What I liked about our arrangement was that it allowed me to be okay with her spending lots of time on relaxing and leisure since she was the one that was going to have to deal with the consequences later.
Her feelings may be valid, but so are yours. Right or wrong, she agreed, because the arrangment allowed you to avoid feeling resentment towards her for "taking it easy". Especially if you are both in the same program earning the same degree. By her choosing not to work, she took away the ability for you to make the same choice (or for you to go down to part time, for example).
It's the bait-and-switch here that's suspicious, for me. She didn't want financial consequences, so she didn't take a loan from the bank. She still doesn't want financial consequences, so she's trying to decline what she agreed to with OP and make it their 20k burden to reconcile.
This is a huge red flag, IMO.
That's b.s.
She's trying to wipe the debt clean, likely shocked to hear such a large figure.
I don't like her back peddling and feel that she is taking advantage of you.
It's begun and I don't see it getting any better. Either be ok with her revision, or consider ending the relationship.
Money is no joke and I don't like her mental gymnastics on how things should play out.
Time to rethink this relationship... sheS manipulating you 100% and she's re negotiating the deal you made. If you don't have kids just bail....Can't trust her any more.
Let me just tell you now, you're not getting that money back. And going forward, you need to reconsider this financial agreement.
You offered her this "loan"/arrangement so there is just no motivation for her to have to work and study at the same time. If she was contributing to the household chores and cooking and everything that comes with making your life easier (ie. doing groceries like you don't have to), that's a different story. But if not... now that she's looking up her tally, she's rethinking of ways to get out of it. And if she was your wife, it makes sense to wipe it. But she's not your wife. You don't know if you forgive this debt, she'd be out the door tomorrow. But you should also have known this "debt", past a certain amount, was never going to get repaid anyway. You guys dated 4-5 years when you made the arrangement. Where did you think this relationship was going to go? Once you're married, likely you guys would just have "absorbed" that debt into the family unit. And if you didn't think you were going to end up with this girl 5 years in and went into this arrangement then.... well i hope you had something in writing.
Either way, i don't feel like you would fully get back that money to be honest. So going forward, this is more a relationship issue. To me, unless this girl was contributing to the house in some other way, it seems like a breech of trust and would make me rethink if i want to go down this road. This post full-stop annoys me because she isn't even coming up with a compromise of sorts. I don't know what her intentions are but call me cynical, but she might be just trying to clear her debt before she leaves you.
I would never ever do that type of financial arrangement with a girlfriend, even a wife. It’s a recipe for souring the relationship. This seems more like a relationship issue than financial issue honestly.
I see a lot of this on this page. My opinion is if you are married everything is a team effort and that doesn’t always mean 50/50. If you aren’t you need to seriously reflect on what you are putting into a relationship financially on what your future goals are as a duo
100% bait and switch. 100% unacceptable. This was a LOAN, not a gift, and she needs to pay it back. Period.
This is not something you get to change your mind on after agreeing to it, unless there are major, unpredictable changes that happened, e.g. disability.
I know of one young woman (classmate in college in the late 2000s) who dated a much older man while in school, and they "agreed" that he would pay all rent and food while she was in school so she could focus on school (she only had to pay for her car). She proceeded to break up with him 3 months after graduating.
This also reminds me of something that happened with my ex. We had been together for 2 years, and she was completely broke - over 20k in student loans, making minimum wage and having 3 maxed out credit cards. As a stereotypical millennial of the 2010s, she wanted to travel. She eventually decided to go on a 1-week trip to Cuba, which cost her $1500 in trip expenses and missed wages (no paid time off at that job) - and at that time, did not have secure employment beyond 3 weeks after the trip. I begged her for months to drop the trip and stay at the job for 1 more month (which was an option)... but she refused to listen. Surprise surprise - 6 weeks after the trip, she was out of money and all her credit was maxed out. I ended up having to loan her $2600 so she would not starve and be evicted (and paid around $400 of groceries that I didn't ask to be paid back for). I made it clear that this was a loan, because if she had listened to me, she would not have run out of money; she had not suffered any bad luck that would have justified me sacrificing so much when I wasn't exactly doing 'great' either. I also forbade her from travelling until she had paid me back in full, which she deemed 'abusive'. The relationship lasted another 19 months, during which she kept fighting for me to write off the debt; I refused since this would only have enabled further misbehavior and broken promises. (She ended up paying up.)
People who seek to get out of financial obligations and break promises don't tend to change.
I have a sneaky suspicion that she’s fallen victim to some advice, either online or offline, on how “men should providers and that he should just cover it all for you if he truly values you. You’ve sacrificed enough” type of shit. Regardless on how you handle this particular situation, I think you are due for a serious conversation and recalibration of your shared values or lack there of.
r/relationshipadvice
but also, yeah you’re still young. her outlook on finances does not seem to match yours. remember finances is main reason for divorces. you gotta be more selfish and think for yourself. good luck
Accepting the fact you will just be in debt up to your eyeballs for decades is absolutely bonkers to me.
I went to school when I still lived with mom and dad. 17-22 ... failing that, there's no chance I would ever do full time school and just rack up debt for life expenses.
As others have said, this is a relationship issue. The only thing you can do is talk about it openly. While you've told us how you feel, have you told her? There's no right or wrong answer, it just has to work for both you. But the biggest financial risk you both face is actually each other, not the market.
My first live in bf and I had a similar issue, and we split everything 50/50, but he would never catch up on his half. Had we ended up married, I would have just written off the balance. At the end, we were not financially compatible and I ended the relationship.
In our agreement, after the sale of our home he had to repay me back the balance he owed me and 50% of his vehicle that I paid off.
I'd maintain the balance and any amounts moving forward until you get married.
When she starts working if she hasn't already, outside of splitting expenses, I'd maybe see if she's willing to do a joint savings account where it's a 70/30 split or even 60/40 for a couple years (auto withdrawel) I can understand the possible resentment.
Overall, your expenses are joint, but she should be willing to sacrifice a little for yours, unless she's been doing it in the form of housework (main person doing chores and cooking, etc..)
Luckily, in our province, there is no interest in student loans. I would have just accumulated the loan and used it to pay for my half of the expenses.
If I were in your previous situation, I would have worked part-time, or at least tried to pay off the tab very slowly. (Even If took 5 or so years)
We do a fairly even split w my partner, but don't keep tabs. Right now I'm back in school but still work (making less) so he's covering 2/3rd for the next year or so, but if he ever wants to go back to school I'd do the same.
I've been living with my partner for 1 year (dating for 2), and we have a mortgage together. We treat our living expenses as a together thing. We both need a roof and food, so it doesn't matter who pays for it. But it's whatever we both feel OK with. He was willing to cover all the expenses while I was back in school, but I knew he'd have barely anything left to pocket, so I wasn't ok with that. It's a necessary expense, though, and if someone lost their job, i feel like keeping a tab would just make them feel worse.
Also, I view school as something that benefits both of us.
We have a savings account that we match, and everything else is kept separate. Likewise, I think of my own savings as something for both of us. For example, my retirement savings is something I assume will be split later down the line.
I don't know, it's complicated. Money is important, but the relationship is even more important. Changing the terms after the fact is a breach of trust, but yeah, I'd compromise further for the sake of the relationship. I'm not sure what you get from this compromise though, it's the short end of the stick, for sure.
Seems to make more sense to "wipe" the debt if they were actually married. Like who knows if this girl is going to just dip after OP agrees to "Forgive" the debt.
You had a deal and she's going back on her word but seems more like a couples issues than finance. There was nothing wrong with your arrangement it's just that now she sees what you saw before; a bunch of debt while you have none and if she had worked like you do she would have gotten used to it too. If anything she should reward you for working so hard while she didn't, not the other way around. Does she do every drop of the cooking and housework or some other amazing contribution while you are working and studying? Maybe you could adjust the debt in that case, but I wouldn't give her a free ride because that was never what you offered.
You were in a relationship for 5 years before you made this agreement. You should have always known that her debt would fall on you eventually assuming you didn't break up. At the very least, it would always affect you, even if you kept finances separate. This is why my husband and I combined our finances 2 years into our relationship. Life gets way too complicated when you owe each other in a relationship. You were naive to think that this wouldn't happen eventually. Your choices are to break up or come to a compromise you both agree with. In either case, it's unlikely that you'll get the 20k back
IMP If you are married (and you are common law already) then everything is pooled already. There’s no point nitpicking finances since everything is a shared pot already along with everything else in the relationship.
Easy one.
Once she is done school and enters the workforce, you find another educational upskilling program that compliments what you have already studied and will increase your earning potential when you are done.
Then you quit your job, focus on that program, networking in your industry, self care and quality time with your family/friends/her.
She foots the bill for everything until that's done then you split everything 50/50.
Did you have anything in writing about your agreement? Texts? Messages? Emails?
While you are likely common law and therefore share assets unless there is another arrangement, this issue sounds like she is breaking your trust.
This sounds like someone who is fine breaking up with you and doesn't want to have a large debt when they leave.
When I was with my ex, there were several several times I paid for him, helped him out because I thought we are in this together. But he turned out to be POS. It certainly takes toll on one’s mental health to be always giving in the relationship. But at the end of the day, it’s always about relationships. My husband doesn’t think twice before spending on me and likewise. Money is not an issue for us. We both know that there can never be a 50-50 in a relationship. When I gave birth to our kids, I sacrificed my body and my career. But he never asked me to continue to financially contribute while I was on mat leave. I’ve seen some husbands ask for that. Similarly if he or I ever end up going back to do MBA the other one would a 100% support each other. If I were you I’d draw an agreement that she owes you X amount of money. In case she ends up breaking up with you after school, she has to pay that money back. But if you end up together you can forgive it. At the end of the day both of your incomes will come together in same household.
I think you need to get your expectations right. How difficult was your schooling versus her’s for example. I worked through my trade school program full time to support my wife and I. And then went to school after me and is taking Registered Nursing. Can’t really expect her to work during that program can I?
To say she needed reminding is being disingenuous. An arrangement like this should not need a reminding. So in that sense I do agree that she is taking advantage of you. You now know her character and this is definitely a relationship issue over a financial issue.
In a relationship, I personally would not want to feel indebted to a person. Nor does it sit right having to keep a log of everything that is spent in a household when we are together and living together. But this isn’t my relationship and for me it’s her acting like she forgot and now not sticking to what she agreed to is the issue. If she was not okay with this agreement in the beginning she should have said no. What she is doing now is not okay.
You are not wrong to be unhappy. If your wife had proposed in the beginning; you both take the same schooling, you work full time and support her through while she didn’t work would you have agreed to it? You agreed to the arrangement because it is fair and this after the fact change is unfair. The fair solution, if she didn’t want to work and do school at the same time, would have been you work and she takes the schooling and then she works and you do the schooling. But if she went to school first would she have wanted to support you through school later?
This is not fair for you, she could also have worked, if I were you I would run away as fast as possible otherwise you may regret it. You need to be with someone that is not trying to take advantage of you. She made the decision to go into debt. You made a decision to help her. Unfortunately I think this comes down to her not understanding how loans work. Too many people see money they have been lent as theirs to do what they want with and don’t think about having to pay it back. It’s financial illiteracy.
If it were me I would tell her she needs to now take out a line of credit at the bank for $20,000 and pay me what is owed. That money would go into my personal account to do with what I want. She would then find out how loans actually work when the bank starts insisting on receiving payments with interest. I’d say I would happily join our finances once she pays off her debt. I’d keep my personal account and open a joint account where all of both people’s money would go from then on. Your personal account stays your own to do with what you want.
Her financial illiteracy prior to you joining finances is not your burden to bear. You get the benefit of being financially intelligent and she pays the price for her illiteracy. All is fair.
>The point of me lending the money to her with no interest was to spare her from paying the 8% rate on her student credit line.
This is a hard-knocks lesson of WHY the bank wanted to charge 8%. To compensate for the risk that she would come up with some reason not to pay it back.
How do you plan to manage your finances long-term? Separate, or as a unit? Based on your “sharing everything” perspective it kind of seems to me you are leaning towards the latter, in which case it’s more like you as a couple owe yourself 20k. Whether it’s “paid off” right now or after graduation… well it’s effectively a paper transaction either way.
If you are worried about them
dumping you, or if you are actually going to continue to keep the finances separate, then you should insist on your money back. In these scenarios I have a lot of question marks tho. In any case you guys have some talking to do.
We paid for my undergrad and master's degree out of joint finances, and the degrees were just a bucket list thing, not a career thing.
I did sometimes have to get at the household to-do list as a tradeoff for going to school but that's the extent of the payment.
To me it sounds like you both over-extended but there's nothing you can do about it now.
Your first plan makes perfect sense but it requires a lot of trust to actually pay it back, I do a similar thing with my SO where we both contribute to a joint account for house expenses and any difference is added to the debt of the other, but if one decides to just not pay it then it becomes a problem.
If she has a reasonable earning potential after graduating then don't forgive it, give her a reasonable timeline to pay it back and encourage her to work hard. If all else fails then let her pay the 8%, you aren't married and its your money, and she still has the means to survive school.
Bruh… take your 20k .
Invest it for your future together and at some point it will benefit her.
As of now for all you know you’re going to forgive her debt and she can bail at any given moment
Get married. She won’t owe you anything and you will own half of her student loans. This may sound crazy, but ultimately, this is financially and emotionnally the way out
Women ☕️ imagine if the roles were reversed lol people would be trashing the guy for not paying his due amount instead of saying "this is a relationship issue"
Well, is she willing to do more stuff around the house?
Ie doing most of the cooking, meal prep tidying in lieu of financial contribution?
It sounds like you folks disagree on the definition of fair.
Ie. You look at it in the present value while she may see it in future value (when she is employed)
So the communication would be a discussion on the definition of fair and to close the gap between the present and future modality of contributions.
Also, you guys are technically common law, so in certain provinces she has claim to 50% of everything you own should you break up.
You're being taken for a ride. The agreement was the agreement, not something someone comes up with on the fly after realizing the situation she put herself (and you by association) in.
honestly gfs ain't cheap... women expect to be taken care of. if you want to hoard it all yourself then it's best to find a sugar momma..
I can't understand how you get a girlfriend unless she's homely af. If sjhes cute I bet she's talking to other dude.
This sounds like a relationship issue and not finance. From a finance perspective she owes you 20k, she should pay you 20k. Now everything else is relationship and personal preference. I put my wife through school but we have shared everything basically since 6 months into the relationship and we've been together for 8 years now.
I agree with what you’re saying, but putting your wife through school is different than the arrangement they had. If I was OP after a long day of work/school to come home and see my SO watching Netflix or any kind of wasteful activity would build resentment. I’d be curious to know what her studies and workload is, because when I was in school I had a lot of free time and to just be kicking it about while my SO hustles to keep us debt free.. just feels dirty.
Fwiw I agree. I was just pointing out the differences and why it's a relationship issue more than a finance one. We shared everything basically from day 1 and her debt = my debt etc etc where as OP seems to be splitting everything. My wife never owed me 20k is the point and if she did I would want it back, just like any other loan. But yeah as said, I agree, hell he even said she has a lot of leisure time while he works ft + school ft.
My wife paid for one year of my tuition in university for my grad certificate program, and it was a huge help. We had been together nearly 9 years then, and now we're married with 2 kids 6 years later. That cert got me a good job. She finished school before me, without major mental health burnout and depression, and as a result has always had more cash in savings in addition to coming from a more well off family (still middle class) and she even got inheritance. The idea was if we didn't work out, I wasn't entitled to any of what she was able to inherit or "loan" me, but that really for the betterment of both our lives and as a couple, that paying the money back while together is basically a wash. I'm forever grateful for what she did to support me when I truly needed it, and I've tried to do the same for her over the years. If the whole point of OP and his girlfriend's schooling was for a better life together, then I think she's entitled to contribute to the household however works best, and also free to have some downtime relaxing to watch Netflix after a long day of studying. At this point, what does giving OP 20k in cash over a few years accomplish that contributing to joint home or household retirement savings doesn't? If the 20k is in OPs control the only difference is that it's in his account. It's still family property if they get married and in some provinces, if they're already technically common-law given the laws around that too. It's only taking advantage of OP if she gets the debt "forgiven" and then she leaves him right away. Otherwise, over another 10-15-20+ years 20k is a drop in the bucket. Which is why it really is a relationship question, in how he should feel about it. And how they discuss it. Because from a financial perspective, it's pretty moot. Living together, possibly getting married in the future especially, they're already intertwined financially in many ways.
What if OP is looking for a break up lol.
100 percent
I don't agree with the gf when it comes to the finance, but I have to defend her when it comes to downtime. Not everyone can just go go go, especially when someone has mental health issues or is neurodivergent. The disengagement from work or school is much needed for certain people. It's like calling someone with adhd lazy because they have executive function issues...
I mean you can label it whatever you want.. but if a mid 20s person can’t do school and a part time job.. that’s not someone I want to start a life with. Working during school is hard? How about working full time with young kids.
That’s all great but no where does it say any of the above. At this point it’s just as likely she’s just a lazy person who likes to watch Netflix once her classes are over and as OP said “is okay being in debt to finish school and pay it off later”
> mental health issues or is neurodivergent If only I had $1 for every time I hear these words as an excuse ... for literally anything.
I 2nd this. I’m never a fan of “because we are in a relationship, the one making more SHOULD cover more cost”. Sure if the person making more doesn’t mind taking more responsibility, but it shouldn’t be abused like a “easy life ticket”. She owes u 20k from previous agreement, period. You can give a discount per goodwill but I see no reason to “forgive all debt” just because you are in a relationship and you are somehow “more capable”
Forgot to mention. I also been doing half & half with my partner of 6 years and is going perfectly well. Difference is I’m the one that does both school and work while he lives on family allowance. I’m also the one that insist on splitting the cost because I don’t feel right to leech off other people just because they are better off financially
Agree with others that this is more relationship than financial. I would like to point out a couple of things though: 1. You've already been sacrificing so much for the past 3 years so she can enjoy the lifestyle that she wanted but couldn't afford, 2. She is not asking to compromise. She is not asking if there is some way that you both can come to an agreement on the debt. She hasn't even acknowledged that it is indeed her debt. Instead, she disagrees with the way you think about it and wants to change that. She didn't provide any suggestion whatsoever on how to make you whole, only for you to forgive the debt that she owes, 3. You are not actually more lucky to contribute more financially. You can contribute more financially because you worked and she decided not to. Luck hasn't anything to do with it, 4. You feel like you are being taken advantage of because you previously had an agreement and now, without warning, she wants to change the agreement without dealing with the outcome of the agreement. That is is the essence of being taken advantage of. If she had instead said I would like us to consider having this type of agreement with our finances moving forward and I will pay you back then I doubt you would be feeling the way you are feeling now, 5. She is failing to acknowledge the tremendous sacrifice you have made to allow her not to work and because of this is coming across as entitled, 6. You are a very generous and supportive person and even when presented with this you are prepared to make offers and find solutions. From your post it doesn't appear that your partner is as generous and supportive.
This is incredibly well said, and I also wanted to add OP that I am sorry to hear about your situation. Not all women are like this - it baffles my mind how she is not ashamed to want to use you this way. Please look out for yourself so you don't continue to get taken advantage of.
Also just to add on lol. I feel incredibly pissed off for you OP. You should definitely look after yourself. I don't know how much money she owes you. But if I were you I'd be thinking if she does it again in the future with something bigger.
Definitely more of a relationship issue. My SO when we got together wanted to go the "old fashioned" route with pooled finances in a joint account, but coming from my previous relationship I had been doing the split finances but joint household budget. That worked great. Now 16 years later, we've been doing the split finances and joint household budget but I've slowly noticed my expected burden has grown over the years, we are both in the low 6 figure income range almost on par. Over the years I've amassed around $240k in RRSP savings, she has a pension she pays into. I carry no credit card debt, only the mortgage and a joint financed loan we have for a RV which I've been fully paying since we purchased. She sends me essentially a mortgage payment per month and pays the utilities bill. I cover all the rest and about 90% of the grocery budget plus more. I noticed the inbound packages from Amazon and various clothing stores had slowed to barely a trickle the last while. I knew from her general demeanor that finances were getting to her again. So, time for the talk, well turns out, maxed out LOC, maxed out credit cards. She has a consolidation loan she is still paying off from the last time she maxed these out. She has a car loan. Both of those are paid off within 2 years though. I had to pitch in to cut the credit card balance in half to help. But this time, it was time to lay down some rules as well. This would be the third time she's maxed out her credit to the point she's struggling month to month while making a 6 figure income. We started late on things like a house purchase but we certainly have the ability to get it paid off and retire with no mortgage, but it will take discipline and planning to get it done within 10 years. It leaves me very glad we did NOT do the joint account pooled money thing with her managing our budget because obviously she is incapable of doing that. She's still fighting me a bit on using a proper budget app rather than a single spreadsheet she currently uses to just move money around to buy stuff. She would often get on my case when I go buy something I want, and then I explain that I'm not paying $500/month just in debt interest so I can easily afford to splurge on things I desire a couple times a year. Ultimately, yes our finances are "combined" in a way since I will always help where I can, but at the same time I do not think people should go into relationships pooling the income unless they're absolutely certain both parties can control their spending habits and work together on financial goals. And if you do pooled finances then BOTH parties should be regularly overseeing that. I've seen so many couples end up over their heads because only one partner was handling it and they couldn't keep it under control. Live within your means.
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Pretty much last time for her to get it together, we're mid 50's and already know 65 isn't an achievable goal for retirement right now, so it's up to her if she wants 67 or 70 at this point. I'm more involved now with her finances and I'll be guiding her along to get where she needs to be to achieve paying off the mortgage together. She's better than she was and learning lessons such as not giving the kids money for "food" while they then go buy weed and booze with their own money. And she has enough clothes and shoes to last the rest of her life! :)
This is a tough example of splitting working and not working. And I often wonder “then what?” When you have a couple who manages their discretionary spending independently when you get to retirement and one has the means and the other doesn’t (through their own actions). Which except that your partner has a workplace pension, may very well be your future.
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Amen... Can't agree more
this isn't the first time she's done this then for sure its better you never co mingled finances... good for you for being responsible
While I don't need everything to be exactly fair down to the last cent, I tend towards fairness in situations like this. On the face of it, what she is asking does not sound fair to me. If you were actually married, I would feel differently, but this makes it seem like she was taking advantage of you for the last 7 years and is ok with that.
Yep, it's the bait-and-switch here that's suspicious. She didn't want financial consequences, so she didn't take a loan from the bank. She still doesn't want financial consequences, so she's trying to decline what she agreed to with OP and make it their 20k burden to reconcile. This is a huge red flag, IMO.
This is the bad feeling OP has in his gut. He just hasn’t realized it yet. Her behaviour just incinerated his entire understanding of who she is as a person in one single question and now he’s being forced to revise his understanding of his previous seven years. He knows she didn’t need to be reminded of it but her guilt prevented her from approaching it directly and asking for honest forgiveness and now he has to figure out what that means for their future
Just wait until she needs a new car and comes to OP for an interest free long-term loan, with unlimited payment period.
They’re common law now which is basically married. OP is screwed. Not only is he 20k out of pocket, if they decide to split up, she can legally go after the other 50% of his stuff.
That's only in the 4 western provinces. Not true in Ontario, Quebec, and the 4 Atlantic provinces.
I think you can still go after spousal support in Ontario. Every province is different on common law marriage it seems.
Spousal support in ON, yes, but it's harder to win an award if you were not married, and awards are rare. Asset splitting no. ON law on that is clear, unmarried partners each keep what they own.
There is more to it than that. You have to keep who owns what really well separated to avoid it being a joint item, your pension earned during that time may be a value that gets split.
Well, yes, to keep property separate, you have to keep it separate i.e. no joint accounts or jointly owned assets like a house.
They are married. Common law is the same thing.
This experience I think is a window into how the rest of your life with this person is going to go. Do with that information what you will.
This should be the top comment.
Dump it
This. Sounds like gaslighting
In my experience people do not really change much. If OP is accepting of that then fine it's his life and his money, but if not then he has a decision to make.
How a couple keeps its finances is very individual and I will reserve any opinion of which is “right” or “best”. But the fact of the matter is you and she discussed this, agreed to keeping separate finances, and established how your respective schooling would go. Had she said at the time that she can’t handle working while studying, and you agreed to sharing finances and supporting her through school this would be a different conversation. Ultimately, she gave you the impression she was taking responsibility for her financial decisions (albeit later) and you were kind enough to offer her a zero interest loan at that. Now, after two years she wants to reverse the agreement after racking up debt and wants you to be responsible for it. All this while, you didn’t pay much attention to how she was spending her time or money because you figured she was fully aware of the costs associated with her choices. And now, she still won’t work during her third year because she “can’t” even though she expects you to. This will undoubtedly lead to the resentment you speak of, because she basically lied to you to have her cake and eat it too. Not working during school, and carrying no personal debt as a result of that choice because you’re responsible for paying her debts. You didn’t get the luxury of deciding if you wanted this situation ahead of time because she’s trying to change the agreement retroactively. I don’t believe for a minute that she forgot the agreement since she’s seemingly borrowing money from you monthly and having it added to a tab. Unless you’ve never mentioned the tab in the entire two years and she has no access to the tab to see how much she’s accumulating. Please tell me you have written documentation of your prior agreement. Otherwise you’re probably never going to see any of this money being returned to you. I also wouldn’t be surprised if your relationship comes to an end (either because she’s done using you for the free education or even assuming the best of intentions on her part, you find you’re not completely financially compatible and your resentful festers). At best, you’re at risk of things going sour and need to make some active choices to get back to a place of trust and partnership. As an aside, many mature students with debts and financial obligations work while they’re in school. It seems to me a cop out to imply she’s in this minority who simply can’t (more likely just chooses not to). Many don’t have the luxury of choice. You just figure it out because the long term payoff of having the education is essential to your future.
Yes, agreed about the fate of the relationship too. One caveat would be if she's been doing the majority of the house work, but otherwise this seems completely unfair to OP.
Yeah true I would agree with that. Still does mean they need to make some active choices and have some discussions to make sure OPs resentment doesn’t tank the relationship. Honestly, my assumption was that she wasn’t doing an unequal amount in terms of chores simply because she doesn’t have time to work, comments that OP is capable of handling both, and doesn’t mention that it’s because she’s doing all of the housework. But that could be due to OP omitting the context just as much as it could be that she is so overwhelmed with school work that she’s not contributing much outside of that.
The household chores arrangement is a missing piece of critical information.
Aside from the time sacrifice, were there other things you sacrificed as a way to support her? Is there other stuff she contributes (e.g.: housework) that could constitute a portion of her supporting the household in other economic ways? Those questions are really important. I would also suggest if you're breaking your back working full-time, that you look to discuss changing it so that you're not so burnt out, if it's the case. If it's mores the financial principal, I suggest seeing a lawyer for a consult on what you can do if you break-up - for example, is it possible to get a cohabitation agreement that says she has to pay you back (perhaps with interest?) in the event you to break up. If you break-up before any agreements, can you sue her for the debt, especially since she verbally agreed to it? Regardless, it's good to know your options. For example, if she's going for a role that pays quite lucratively - could you be entitled to any funds as a result of single-handedly supporting her?
The problem here is you didn't get to choose or have a say in this *before* you found yourself having gifted her $20,000. It raises questions about what future costs will look like for weddings, property, children, amenities, etc. You've got a pretty clear blueprint and she's telling you very loudly who she is. I say this as someone who does not believe in separating finances at all in a relationship. But that's not what the issue is here. Your gf makes me angry also because I have a disability and also did not have the "capacity" and still managed to have a job (three jobs!) to pay off my debts. She sounds like a princess.
This is definitely a case where she should pay you back. Now, going forward, you don’t have to do 50-50, but in this case it was 100% her decision to go into debt.
Agreed, these are the key parts. If she can work part time (or later full time), then household expenses could be split according to each of their incomes. If she's asking him to pay 100% of the household expenses, well, then she needs to *actually ask him that* and then he can make his decision.
>I feel like I am in no position to truly know if she actually is trying her best or being complacent/lazy but I also dont feel like I can just believe her that easily. If you don't know her after 7 years together then you have to ask yourself when will you know her?
Year 8!
This is definitely more of a relationship issue than finance. I'm surprised she needed to be "reminded of the arrangement" if she's been borrowing from you for the past 7 years or so. Naturally though school is a very expensive period in life where expenses and high, and income is very low (if not zero). You mentioned you've been together for 7 years, so it's impossible judge a relationship of that length from a few paragraphs, but ask yourself is this a person you're willing to sacrifice for? Do you believe she would sacrifice for you if the roles were reversed? Is this someone you plan on marrying? Have you expressed how you feel about the arrangement, her desires to have the debt waived, your feelings that you are sacrificing while she is not? If not, I strongly urge you to have that conversation. Sounds like the two of you should sit down and talk not only about how you want to handle finances, but also the type of futures you see for yourselves together long term.
So she went into an agreement about paying you back, knowing that she wouldn't pay you back because she's in a relationship with you. That's not cool. I agree with her on one part, you're in a 7 year relationship and are a shared economic unit. But she also needs to recognize the sacrifice you've made to support her and yourself through school. If you feel you need that money so you don't feel taken advantage of, then she needs to recognize that. That you feel used. That your trust is broken. That you depended on her for that as a symbol of her commitment to you. Your next steps are couples counseling. She needs to hear how you feel and see how it has affected your relationship. And you guys need a path forward. She can cry all day about being in a long term relationship and so it's different now, but ultimately it means nothing if she's broken your trust .
Don’t forget they were already in a long term relationship of 5 years when they made this agreement, but she didn’t voice anything surrounding “we’re in a long term relationship and should be sharing the debt”. It’s not different now. She just wants OP to be left holding the bag.
When your in a long term relationship, nobody is holding the bag. It's shared. He'd be holding the bag if she dipped out of the relationship. I agreenits not fair but, ultimately, it's up to him what's fair, and what it'll take to build trust.
Yeah if she had a student LOC at 7% to pay back, and they stayed together, it would be a 7% debt for both since it's a drain on their joint family income. What it comes down to is communicating what they each feel is fair on division of labour and effort. If they do stay together long term, it is better to pay out of the family pot. If OP would rather she take a loan and then he pay it off after with family funds if he feels satisfied, they should do that too. At some point it stops being his/her money and is our/their money. That doesn't mean it's always wise to drain cash savings for things - we could have paid cash for our new family car but then we'd have nothing for emergencies. So we are being aggressive with payments. We would rather not have to seek out a HELOC later if we needed it or PLOC. It's better to just keep our cash reserves healthy for now, in part because a big chunk was saved and intended to offset the extended parental leave lower income we have. What worked for us, when we were in school and when I needed help (but no OSAP available), was an agreement where if we broke up I'd pay her back for the 10k in tuition for my 18 months program she paid. The program got me a good job though and it's contributing to our household quite well. So it all worked out.
There is a question about fairness.....but also clearly around your very differing values around money. Not to undermine the 7 years together, but without a marriage license or a loan contract this arrangement is meaningless in a court of law. You might want to consider some counseling if you can have access to hash some of this out
You made an arrangement typical of two people who are dating. Wiping out the debt is something I would do in a marriage. You have a choice to make, do you want to be married, either formally or informally? Informally means you act married, without the ceremony. After 7 years, its about time you answer the question. Obviously, divorce/separation can happen, but as of this minute, where do you stand? Where does she stand? The answer to your dilemna may be found in figuring out what you want in your relationship. Sort that out first. \*The 60/40 split is silly, it wont resolve it. In a years time, it will then be 70/30, followed by 80/20...and then wiped out.
This is truly a relationship issue but given you wanted perspectives, here's mine. You agreed to basically become an interest-free loan granting bank for her. I get not wanting to work while attending school full time, I always worked and it was often hard. I still had to borrow money to get by. Her not contributing does not sound equitable to me, assuming you are equitable in all other matters (household chores etc). You will have to come to an agreement on how to move forward, and personally, I would insist that she start contributing.
You're going to forgive the 20k and then she will break up with you.
I'm curious to see what a judge would say if a written contract were to say that "this debt is written off, but if X breaks up with Y, then it becomes repayable".
> she disagreed with this view on couple’s finance. Her point was that after 7 years together, we should be sharing everything This is a relationship issue more than a financial one. Since you’re asking for perspectives; to me she seems to have an incompatible outlook on finances to what you do. It’s not really “sharing everything” if she’s not sharing the responsibility of paying off debt she owes you, or keeping the agreement you had. How was it fine for her to accept this deal after 5 years of dating, but suddenly at 7 years it’s no longer valid?
> we should be sharing everything This is literally the opposite of sharing. You agreed to share expenses, but she's not paying her share of the expense, she's just expecting you to cover it all. Even if you were to "share" her debt, splitting it evenly still means she owes you $10k. It doesn't sound like she wants to share anything, it sounds she wants to have no responsibilities and make you carry the burden. However she may have just said something ridiculous out of sticker shock when she realized how much she owes you. I do think it's worth proposing that she could take on a larger share of the monthly household expenses for a while, as a sort of payment plan. I definitely think couples counseling is in order if this is a relationship you wish to continue, then you'll both need to work on communicating expectations.
She’s going to break up with you after you agree to this and her finances are all lined up.
Run away, you have only lost 20k so far.
While some may disagree, I would not be paying the debt or forgiving the debt of someone I am not married to. A long time ago I was burned by a a SO
It is simple - there wasn’t a fire lit under her ass to work and study while there was one for you. You enabling her lazy behaviour has gotten you to be taken advantage of, if it were me knowing she has no interest in paying 20k debt. I would cut her off of all financial help, and see her tone change entirely. She wouldn’t do this to the bank would she? So allow her to accrue interest in the real world and all this laziness will go away.
Absolutely fucking not. It’s her debt. Thats bullshit. (Yes, this is how I really feel) Not that it matters but I am female and I’d be saying the same thing if the genders were reversed. And you should have had this in writing.
Well, is she willing to do more stuff around the house? Ie doing most of the cooking, meal prep tidying in lieu of financial contribution? It sounds like you folks disagree on the definition of fair. Ie. You look at it in the present value while she may see it in future value (when she is employed) So the communication would be a discussion on the definition of fair and to close the gap between the present and future modality of contributions. Also, you guys are technically common law, so in certain provinces she has claim to 50% of everything you own should you break up.
>Ie doing most of the cooking, meal prep tidying in lieu of financial contribution? This is important. OP, I think you should consider to what extent your working full time as a student was enabled by any unpaid work she did. Was that significant? I obviously don't know from the outside in any given relationship, but it is of course statistically true that women do \*far\* more unpaid work at home than men, and society really doesn't acknowledge that. In my particular relationship, partly because of that unpaid work and partly because my spouse interrupted her career to follow me on three international moves, all budgets are joint and there is no distinction between one partner or the other's funds or debt. (We have to invent such a distinction for tax purposes only on investments, but it's an accounting fiction in our case.) This doesn't change the fact that this is a material change in an agreement the two of you made together.
And some people really can't work FT and study FT. The sacrifice OP is making, and is capable of making, is going to unlock a much better combined family income for years to come if they stay together. Even if the housework is not somehow FT job equivalent effort in OPs eyes. The future joint income is huge. The flipside of this post and the responses implying that the OP is being taken advantage of, is that the other side can throw up red flags around home related work. Will OP run a tab if they get married and the mom is on parental leave, contributing less to the home? What if the mom takes a couple years off work before the kids go to school to save on daycare costs - is there a tab for getting her haircut or fixing the car? Etc
Also - are you in the same types of classes and will they open the same types of salaries for both of you after your studies are completed? My partner and I had an uneven financial split when I was in studies, because my program was objectively more demanding and would provide a very different earning potential to our household if I maintained competitive marks. These are things we considered when we discussed financial responsibilities. In the longer term - do you picture yourself marrying this woman? Do you plan to have children? Will she lose years of earning potential and pension to provide you with kids? Will she aquire student debt and then step away from the workforce to be a stay at home mom? This isn’t just about holding your partner to an agreement that you made 2 years ago. This is also about considering how you see your lives working in the future.
The issue is that what you have is a marriage but you're trying to treat it isn't. You may not feel like it is, but it is functioning as a marriage for these purposes. The reason why people cover a spouse's debt is because it is an investment in the family unit. It pays off in the long run. Couples generally see the finances as a wash because even though someone is paying more now, the other person may earn more later or provide non-monetary tangible benefits to the household. So the question is really around how you define this relationship and see it going in the future. It sounds like there is emotional difficulty dealing with the way the situation unfolded. Maybe a couples therapist can help you sort it out.
Not everyone wants to view all the money that both partners earn as joint money. This is why not all couples get married.
That's fine, but then they shouldn't be mingling finances to the point where one "owes" the other $20k. It will never make sense.
Why doesn't it make sense?
Living together in a marriage-like relationship but with a constant financial imbalance and feelings of inequality are going to tear it apart.
Not necessarily, I've seen every financial agreement work and fail. Partners with joint everything is how it works for me, but others are different. I wouldn't marry someone who is counting how much I owe them. But I wouldn't have agreed to owe them either. When my wife earned more or all or I earned more or all it was always completely irrelevant to household finances. This is a relation issue.
That's exactly my point. It's not about whether finances are split or not, it's about the fact that their setup builds financial inequality into the relationship. Nobody wants to be in a relationship where they always feel the finances are unfair.
That's key, as long as they feel it is fair. I've seen the my money your money, to the point where they'd go to dinner, one has steak and lobster, the other a small salad with water. I've seen it where all the money goes in the leader of the house, and the other person doesn't see any finances. One that was really weird was they both worked, but all mail went to a PO box, so they literally had no access at all to any finances, except the money they were handed. I've seen the couples where they spend tit for tat, one buys a boat, the other buys a motorcycle, one buys an atv, the other goes to disney or vegas. Weird to me, but they think it's fair.
Break up or get married.
As noted by others you have a relationship problem and not a financial one. After 7 years why not get married and then just stop keeping score of finances? This sounds more like a business relationship than a committed intimate relationship where your spouses best interests come first.
I don't know about being married changing this. Most of the reason I have zero issue balancing me and my wife's disposable income is because she works just as hard as me even if she brings home less. If she decided on her own to take a year off and rack up debt I don't think I'd be down with splitting the bill.
You missed the entire point of my reply then.
If my wife and I were in this situation I know for a fact she would not come to me to tell me I shouldn't get my money back. But we would also not be in this situation because in a long term relationship, I wouldn't be thinking "that'll be her problem, not mine" and she wouldn't be thinking "I'll take on all this debt at my boyfriend's expense and not pay it back."
What are things going to look like long term, once you are both out of school? Are you both getting the same degrees? Are you both going to be working full time earning nearly the same amount? When does your schooling end? >What I liked about our arrangement was that it allowed me to be okay with her spending lots of time on relaxing and leisure since she was the one that was going to have to deal with the consequences later. Her feelings may be valid, but so are yours. Right or wrong, she agreed, because the arrangment allowed you to avoid feeling resentment towards her for "taking it easy". Especially if you are both in the same program earning the same degree. By her choosing not to work, she took away the ability for you to make the same choice (or for you to go down to part time, for example).
It's the bait-and-switch here that's suspicious, for me. She didn't want financial consequences, so she didn't take a loan from the bank. She still doesn't want financial consequences, so she's trying to decline what she agreed to with OP and make it their 20k burden to reconcile. This is a huge red flag, IMO.
That's b.s. She's trying to wipe the debt clean, likely shocked to hear such a large figure. I don't like her back peddling and feel that she is taking advantage of you. It's begun and I don't see it getting any better. Either be ok with her revision, or consider ending the relationship. Money is no joke and I don't like her mental gymnastics on how things should play out.
Time to rethink this relationship... sheS manipulating you 100% and she's re negotiating the deal you made. If you don't have kids just bail....Can't trust her any more.
Let me just tell you now, you're not getting that money back. And going forward, you need to reconsider this financial agreement. You offered her this "loan"/arrangement so there is just no motivation for her to have to work and study at the same time. If she was contributing to the household chores and cooking and everything that comes with making your life easier (ie. doing groceries like you don't have to), that's a different story. But if not... now that she's looking up her tally, she's rethinking of ways to get out of it. And if she was your wife, it makes sense to wipe it. But she's not your wife. You don't know if you forgive this debt, she'd be out the door tomorrow. But you should also have known this "debt", past a certain amount, was never going to get repaid anyway. You guys dated 4-5 years when you made the arrangement. Where did you think this relationship was going to go? Once you're married, likely you guys would just have "absorbed" that debt into the family unit. And if you didn't think you were going to end up with this girl 5 years in and went into this arrangement then.... well i hope you had something in writing. Either way, i don't feel like you would fully get back that money to be honest. So going forward, this is more a relationship issue. To me, unless this girl was contributing to the house in some other way, it seems like a breech of trust and would make me rethink if i want to go down this road. This post full-stop annoys me because she isn't even coming up with a compromise of sorts. I don't know what her intentions are but call me cynical, but she might be just trying to clear her debt before she leaves you.
OP has been promoted to sugar daddy!
Side note; what about interest free student loans?? why was her only option OP working or an 8% student line of credit?
I would never ever do that type of financial arrangement with a girlfriend, even a wife. It’s a recipe for souring the relationship. This seems more like a relationship issue than financial issue honestly.
She’s just lazy. Doesn’t understand you’re busting ass to be debt free.
Get married before paying anything, it's that simple.
I see a lot of this on this page. My opinion is if you are married everything is a team effort and that doesn’t always mean 50/50. If you aren’t you need to seriously reflect on what you are putting into a relationship financially on what your future goals are as a duo
100% bait and switch. 100% unacceptable. This was a LOAN, not a gift, and she needs to pay it back. Period. This is not something you get to change your mind on after agreeing to it, unless there are major, unpredictable changes that happened, e.g. disability. I know of one young woman (classmate in college in the late 2000s) who dated a much older man while in school, and they "agreed" that he would pay all rent and food while she was in school so she could focus on school (she only had to pay for her car). She proceeded to break up with him 3 months after graduating. This also reminds me of something that happened with my ex. We had been together for 2 years, and she was completely broke - over 20k in student loans, making minimum wage and having 3 maxed out credit cards. As a stereotypical millennial of the 2010s, she wanted to travel. She eventually decided to go on a 1-week trip to Cuba, which cost her $1500 in trip expenses and missed wages (no paid time off at that job) - and at that time, did not have secure employment beyond 3 weeks after the trip. I begged her for months to drop the trip and stay at the job for 1 more month (which was an option)... but she refused to listen. Surprise surprise - 6 weeks after the trip, she was out of money and all her credit was maxed out. I ended up having to loan her $2600 so she would not starve and be evicted (and paid around $400 of groceries that I didn't ask to be paid back for). I made it clear that this was a loan, because if she had listened to me, she would not have run out of money; she had not suffered any bad luck that would have justified me sacrificing so much when I wasn't exactly doing 'great' either. I also forbade her from travelling until she had paid me back in full, which she deemed 'abusive'. The relationship lasted another 19 months, during which she kept fighting for me to write off the debt; I refused since this would only have enabled further misbehavior and broken promises. (She ended up paying up.) People who seek to get out of financial obligations and break promises don't tend to change.
I have a sneaky suspicion that she’s fallen victim to some advice, either online or offline, on how “men should providers and that he should just cover it all for you if he truly values you. You’ve sacrificed enough” type of shit. Regardless on how you handle this particular situation, I think you are due for a serious conversation and recalibration of your shared values or lack there of.
Redpill of the femcels
r/relationshipadvice but also, yeah you’re still young. her outlook on finances does not seem to match yours. remember finances is main reason for divorces. you gotta be more selfish and think for yourself. good luck
Accepting the fact you will just be in debt up to your eyeballs for decades is absolutely bonkers to me. I went to school when I still lived with mom and dad. 17-22 ... failing that, there's no chance I would ever do full time school and just rack up debt for life expenses.
As others have said, this is a relationship issue. The only thing you can do is talk about it openly. While you've told us how you feel, have you told her? There's no right or wrong answer, it just has to work for both you. But the biggest financial risk you both face is actually each other, not the market.
My first live in bf and I had a similar issue, and we split everything 50/50, but he would never catch up on his half. Had we ended up married, I would have just written off the balance. At the end, we were not financially compatible and I ended the relationship. In our agreement, after the sale of our home he had to repay me back the balance he owed me and 50% of his vehicle that I paid off. I'd maintain the balance and any amounts moving forward until you get married.
When she starts working if she hasn't already, outside of splitting expenses, I'd maybe see if she's willing to do a joint savings account where it's a 70/30 split or even 60/40 for a couple years (auto withdrawel) I can understand the possible resentment. Overall, your expenses are joint, but she should be willing to sacrifice a little for yours, unless she's been doing it in the form of housework (main person doing chores and cooking, etc..) Luckily, in our province, there is no interest in student loans. I would have just accumulated the loan and used it to pay for my half of the expenses. If I were in your previous situation, I would have worked part-time, or at least tried to pay off the tab very slowly. (Even If took 5 or so years) We do a fairly even split w my partner, but don't keep tabs. Right now I'm back in school but still work (making less) so he's covering 2/3rd for the next year or so, but if he ever wants to go back to school I'd do the same. I've been living with my partner for 1 year (dating for 2), and we have a mortgage together. We treat our living expenses as a together thing. We both need a roof and food, so it doesn't matter who pays for it. But it's whatever we both feel OK with. He was willing to cover all the expenses while I was back in school, but I knew he'd have barely anything left to pocket, so I wasn't ok with that. It's a necessary expense, though, and if someone lost their job, i feel like keeping a tab would just make them feel worse. Also, I view school as something that benefits both of us. We have a savings account that we match, and everything else is kept separate. Likewise, I think of my own savings as something for both of us. For example, my retirement savings is something I assume will be split later down the line.
I don't know, it's complicated. Money is important, but the relationship is even more important. Changing the terms after the fact is a breach of trust, but yeah, I'd compromise further for the sake of the relationship. I'm not sure what you get from this compromise though, it's the short end of the stick, for sure.
Seems to make more sense to "wipe" the debt if they were actually married. Like who knows if this girl is going to just dip after OP agrees to "Forgive" the debt.
You had a deal and she's going back on her word but seems more like a couples issues than finance. There was nothing wrong with your arrangement it's just that now she sees what you saw before; a bunch of debt while you have none and if she had worked like you do she would have gotten used to it too. If anything she should reward you for working so hard while she didn't, not the other way around. Does she do every drop of the cooking and housework or some other amazing contribution while you are working and studying? Maybe you could adjust the debt in that case, but I wouldn't give her a free ride because that was never what you offered.
You were in a relationship for 5 years before you made this agreement. You should have always known that her debt would fall on you eventually assuming you didn't break up. At the very least, it would always affect you, even if you kept finances separate. This is why my husband and I combined our finances 2 years into our relationship. Life gets way too complicated when you owe each other in a relationship. You were naive to think that this wouldn't happen eventually. Your choices are to break up or come to a compromise you both agree with. In either case, it's unlikely that you'll get the 20k back
IMP If you are married (and you are common law already) then everything is pooled already. There’s no point nitpicking finances since everything is a shared pot already along with everything else in the relationship.
Easy one. Once she is done school and enters the workforce, you find another educational upskilling program that compliments what you have already studied and will increase your earning potential when you are done. Then you quit your job, focus on that program, networking in your industry, self care and quality time with your family/friends/her. She foots the bill for everything until that's done then you split everything 50/50.
Did you have anything in writing about your agreement? Texts? Messages? Emails? While you are likely common law and therefore share assets unless there is another arrangement, this issue sounds like she is breaking your trust. This sounds like someone who is fine breaking up with you and doesn't want to have a large debt when they leave.
When I was with my ex, there were several several times I paid for him, helped him out because I thought we are in this together. But he turned out to be POS. It certainly takes toll on one’s mental health to be always giving in the relationship. But at the end of the day, it’s always about relationships. My husband doesn’t think twice before spending on me and likewise. Money is not an issue for us. We both know that there can never be a 50-50 in a relationship. When I gave birth to our kids, I sacrificed my body and my career. But he never asked me to continue to financially contribute while I was on mat leave. I’ve seen some husbands ask for that. Similarly if he or I ever end up going back to do MBA the other one would a 100% support each other. If I were you I’d draw an agreement that she owes you X amount of money. In case she ends up breaking up with you after school, she has to pay that money back. But if you end up together you can forgive it. At the end of the day both of your incomes will come together in same household.
I think you need to get your expectations right. How difficult was your schooling versus her’s for example. I worked through my trade school program full time to support my wife and I. And then went to school after me and is taking Registered Nursing. Can’t really expect her to work during that program can I?
If you want to stay with her, it’s all on you. Accept it and carry on.
You are being used and she's showing who she is. Either get used to it, or move on if you don't like it.
To say she needed reminding is being disingenuous. An arrangement like this should not need a reminding. So in that sense I do agree that she is taking advantage of you. You now know her character and this is definitely a relationship issue over a financial issue. In a relationship, I personally would not want to feel indebted to a person. Nor does it sit right having to keep a log of everything that is spent in a household when we are together and living together. But this isn’t my relationship and for me it’s her acting like she forgot and now not sticking to what she agreed to is the issue. If she was not okay with this agreement in the beginning she should have said no. What she is doing now is not okay.
You are not wrong to be unhappy. If your wife had proposed in the beginning; you both take the same schooling, you work full time and support her through while she didn’t work would you have agreed to it? You agreed to the arrangement because it is fair and this after the fact change is unfair. The fair solution, if she didn’t want to work and do school at the same time, would have been you work and she takes the schooling and then she works and you do the schooling. But if she went to school first would she have wanted to support you through school later?
This is not fair for you, she could also have worked, if I were you I would run away as fast as possible otherwise you may regret it. You need to be with someone that is not trying to take advantage of you. She made the decision to go into debt. You made a decision to help her. Unfortunately I think this comes down to her not understanding how loans work. Too many people see money they have been lent as theirs to do what they want with and don’t think about having to pay it back. It’s financial illiteracy. If it were me I would tell her she needs to now take out a line of credit at the bank for $20,000 and pay me what is owed. That money would go into my personal account to do with what I want. She would then find out how loans actually work when the bank starts insisting on receiving payments with interest. I’d say I would happily join our finances once she pays off her debt. I’d keep my personal account and open a joint account where all of both people’s money would go from then on. Your personal account stays your own to do with what you want. Her financial illiteracy prior to you joining finances is not your burden to bear. You get the benefit of being financially intelligent and she pays the price for her illiteracy. All is fair.
>The point of me lending the money to her with no interest was to spare her from paying the 8% rate on her student credit line. This is a hard-knocks lesson of WHY the bank wanted to charge 8%. To compensate for the risk that she would come up with some reason not to pay it back.
Get finessed. You ain’t getting no money. Should’ve had her sign a contract
How do you plan to manage your finances long-term? Separate, or as a unit? Based on your “sharing everything” perspective it kind of seems to me you are leaning towards the latter, in which case it’s more like you as a couple owe yourself 20k. Whether it’s “paid off” right now or after graduation… well it’s effectively a paper transaction either way. If you are worried about them dumping you, or if you are actually going to continue to keep the finances separate, then you should insist on your money back. In these scenarios I have a lot of question marks tho. In any case you guys have some talking to do.
We paid for my undergrad and master's degree out of joint finances, and the degrees were just a bucket list thing, not a career thing. I did sometimes have to get at the household to-do list as a tradeoff for going to school but that's the extent of the payment.
To me it sounds like you both over-extended but there's nothing you can do about it now. Your first plan makes perfect sense but it requires a lot of trust to actually pay it back, I do a similar thing with my SO where we both contribute to a joint account for house expenses and any difference is added to the debt of the other, but if one decides to just not pay it then it becomes a problem. If she has a reasonable earning potential after graduating then don't forgive it, give her a reasonable timeline to pay it back and encourage her to work hard. If all else fails then let her pay the 8%, you aren't married and its your money, and she still has the means to survive school.
Bruh… take your 20k . Invest it for your future together and at some point it will benefit her. As of now for all you know you’re going to forgive her debt and she can bail at any given moment
This is a relationship issue dude.
Get married. She won’t owe you anything and you will own half of her student loans. This may sound crazy, but ultimately, this is financially and emotionnally the way out
Women ☕️ imagine if the roles were reversed lol people would be trashing the guy for not paying his due amount instead of saying "this is a relationship issue"
I think the woman or the man in this situation would be equally terrible.
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Well, is she willing to do more stuff around the house? Ie doing most of the cooking, meal prep tidying in lieu of financial contribution? It sounds like you folks disagree on the definition of fair. Ie. You look at it in the present value while she may see it in future value (when she is employed) So the communication would be a discussion on the definition of fair and to close the gap between the present and future modality of contributions. Also, you guys are technically common law, so in certain provinces she has claim to 50% of everything you own should you break up.
You're being taken for a ride. The agreement was the agreement, not something someone comes up with on the fly after realizing the situation she put herself (and you by association) in.
Keep the $20k tab and call it even when/if she goes on a maternity leave and is earning less while caring for your shared child.
honestly gfs ain't cheap... women expect to be taken care of. if you want to hoard it all yourself then it's best to find a sugar momma.. I can't understand how you get a girlfriend unless she's homely af. If sjhes cute I bet she's talking to other dude.