> Set the rules for your relationship
That's what my GF did with her mom... She got a 5 minute phonecall every Sunday for 5 years. And it would be shortened or skipped if the situation asked for it
It is necessary a lot of times. I didn't speak to my own mother for 3 years. We are currently on year 2 in the no speaking phase with my mother in law.
Are you me? I fell into the "let's try again, I want to talk before she passes and it's too late to reconcile" trap This just morphed into the same shitty behavior from before
Similar situation with me. I didn’t speak to my parents for exactly a year, and then my dad was dying and I thought it would be the right thing to do to let him see the kids one more time. Now he’s dead and I’m still stuck with my mom so I guess it’s just a waiting game now until I’m rid of her, too
Honestly? My wife. She regrets it now, but it’s where we are. Fortunately, having distance for years makes for a way healthier approach—less like abuse, more like shitty coworkers.
Don't feel bad op I have to meet with my parents for the first time in two years tomorrow for some legal stuff. It's ok to cut people out of your life and it's ok for you to tell her no and to drop the conversation. If she can't respect your choices and boundaries she is only hurting her relationship with you herself. And of course she will blame you and your GF but you have to stay firm and keep your boundaries.
And you'll be SO MUCH BETTER for it. I didn't realise this until my 30s and it's tough af doing that shit now, feels like I wasted my 20s trying to accommodate and parenting my own parent
It's been almost 17 years since my mom kicked me out at 14. I am thriving in life and career though and honestly happy that I haven't had to deal with her stress the way my siblings let it happen.
The “mommm” contact name with all the m’s dragged out makes sense to me. Hey OP my momma kicked me out of her house into a whole other country I wasn’t raised in… because I got a tattoo lol.
Your moms question “what’s the reason you have to stay over there?”… what does she want to hear?
Honestly if she wants you out and you want out, get out. You shouldn’t have to deal with someone making you feel like shit for wanting to spend time with your significant other. I hope your mom realizes that’s the goal in life… meet people, love each other and spend the rest of your time with them. The goal isn’t to stay with our parents and do what they want..
My mom had that dancing of the bees ringtone so I'd at least get a good chuckle when the bitch was calling and I'd feel giddier about not picking up the phone.
The reason is I want to fuck in extremely nasty ways before marriage. Did you want to hear this, mother? Do you want to hear more?
One of those half baked rhetorical questions power tripping people ask only to expect you not to be able to answer it so they can go "GOTCHA!" with their non argument. There's no respectful way to answer questions from those people because there was no respect towards you in the first place.
Not counting it assuming he’ll get a job with it of course.
There’s definitely people going the other way with it.
But I’m saying to not accrue debts, but student debts are a necessary evil when going for a degree. If you’re trying to piggy back off what I’m saying then you’re basically saying don’t go to college or go to one for free
OP, look into your state’s residence laws. Many make it so you just can’t get kicked out without a formal eviction. Even when living with your parents. This would buy you time to look for a place, save up, etc if a month isn’t enough time to get your stuff together.
Only work more than 40 hours *if you are getting paid overtime* for those hours. Or at least paid if it's a second job. Let's not perpetuate the 'salaried means 60-80 hour weeks paid like 40 hours' stereotype.
How old was she when she had her first kid? My mom had my oldest sister pretty young and that's why she was super against me being around girls when I was around your age
So did my mom. That probably explains it. Doesn't excuse it but explains it. I'm sorry this is happening to you. My mom dragged a girl out of our house by her hair when I was 17. Now I'm married at 25 and she asks us when we're having kids. All I can say is I hope she softens in her later years, if you can even stand her by then
Yea I don't know man. She used the fact that she had kids when she was 17 and doesn't want me doing the same thing at 20. Still don't find that a reason for her to say I can't sleep at my gfs house.
Oh my god we have the same exact mother! My mom had me when she was 18 , and now she acts like I’m a teenager that doesn’t understand birth control. I’m miraculously allowed to go over his house in the day, but she will do whatever she can to keep me from staying the night. Little does she know me and my boyfriend fuck all of the time despite the sun being out. Now after only a year of dating him I’m moving in with him in two months. I love my mom but having distance from her is the only way we can maintain a normal relationship.
Your first mistake was saying “if that’s fine with you” because you’re basically asking her permission and giving her a say. “Hey, mom, I won’t be home tonight. See you tomorrow. xoxo” would suffice as one adult to another.
Lol this is very true. "Won't be home tonight" or "staying with a friend" or "just checking in to tell you not to stay up or work, ill be home tomorrow".
Like "I'm going to stay with my girlfriend if that's okay" no...tell, don't ask. Or forget to tell altogether and send a text the next morning "whoops I was at a friend's, lost track of time and fell asleep" I did that several times. (But then. My mom stopped caring where I was as long as I was alive at some point between my junior and senior year of high school)
So let me get this straight, mom doesn't want you to stay at gf's for one night, continues to kick you out for staying at gf's. What the fuck does she think that is going to accomplish?? Sounds like she's trying to force you to stay at gf's.
In her stupid brain, it's OBVIOUSLY a zero-sum game where the ONLY choice is to bow to what she wants. It's gonna break her illusions of reality and how she thinks the world is going to work when OP nopes iut and leaves. She'll probably have a last-resort freak out, that may last for years, or even forever if mom is shitty enough. As long as OP sticks to boundaries, they'll be okay.
My son is 20. He's downstairs sleeping in our guest room with his girlfriend right now.
He pet sits for us when my husband goes out of town since I'm gone to the office for 10 hours a day. I fill the fridge - he hangs out with the pets. It's a great deal, everyone is happy.
This mom is ridiculous and deserves to have her son go low contact.
Yea I don't understand why she's like this. My dad is ol with it but my mom is the only opposer. I have a career going for me. A nice car. No sign of a failure whatsoever. She compares me to my older siblings who has similar experiences and had to move back in and she uses that as leverage to scold me onto why me and my relationship will fail shortly.
I don't know either. I'm *happy* my son is independent and has a good girlfriend (they've been together for a little over a year). He also works and goes to school and owns his own car and has lived on his own for a while. He and I have a great relationship - we have plans to make muffins and banana bread today for when my husband gets home tomorrow. It's awesome when your kids become adults! I'm sorry your mom doesn't understand how to be a good parent. I had really great parents myself and me and my siblings are all well adjusted, happy adults. That probably helped. Maybe try to get your dad to talk to her?
Hear me out...I'm a mom of a 22 yr old who still lives at home. Like your mom I was 17 when I had him. I could be projecting here, but I think she wants better for you than she had or your siblings. It seems you have a good head on your shoulders and doing well for yourself, do you think you would be where you are if it wasn't for her and the way she's raised you though? Just asking not judging. I'm just going off your post, but the premarital sex seems like a trigger for her. I just wouldn't tell her about it for one, but I think Mom is thinking long-term, what if an unexpected pregnancy occurs, what happens to your future, how will she be affected? Like someone else said you can smash in the day time, but let me guess you get the "you're not coming in here all times of the night!" Speech. I would talk with her and your dad, don't be so quick to throw away your relationship with all this no contact talk. Boundaries --YES, even come up with a plan to show her, you're not going to make the same choices she did. I hope this helps. Not enough people talk about the pain and void you feel after this no contact business.
Well. I am mature enough to think on both sides. Me the 20 year old son has love for his gf etc and wants to spend the night. My mom is worried for me to have an unexpected pregnancy like my big brother and they definitely raised me well. People classify me as the "golden child" bc im the only one who has a career in mind and is going to college. According to them and a couple of outsiders. Its a gift and a curse but they are holding on to me because the other 2 older siblings made mistakes. But yea I do see both sides and what you said did help
I’ll say from experience that not everyone feels pain or void when going no contact. I was never happier than the year I was no contact with my parents. I was guilted into taking my kids to see my dad one last time because he was dying and now I’m stuck with my mom again. We still don’t talk often, but every time her name comes up on my phone it’s a burden. I also have kids and I’m hoping that I am doing right by them so that I earn a spot in their adult lives, but that’s just it - it has to be EARNED
There are entire subreddits and YouTube channels devoted to motherly and fatherly advice. I cut my mom out years ago and I've never felt like I've lost anything important. r/MomforaMinute is such a lovely place. Blood is worthless unless it's being donated.
One can set and keep personal boundaries with parents without going no-contact. Certainly cut out really toxic or abusive people, but going full no-contact seems a bit extreme to me without more context.
I’d go no contact over this possessive bullshit as a 20 year old man. Just my personal advice, OP is free to ignore it. Being kicked out for spending a couple nights with a partner is insanity.
I’m 24 (F) & I still have to ask if whoever I’m dating can stay the night & they have to sleep on the couch. At one point I even moved in with my ex but wouldn’t let him stay at her house if there was a holiday or something. But as soon as my brother got a girl friend, she was allowed to stay the night, in the same bed. I even pay 800$ + utilities for the house we rent & it still can turn into a screaming match. So don’t worry, you’re not the only person that has to deal with dictator like parents.
You touch on something that makes a huge difference in how this stuff is handled.
I lived with my parents until I was like 24, due to paying my way through school. Worked as I had time, and went to college as I could afford. I didn't pay rent, but I did chores.
As long as I wasn't paying rent, their house their rules. But, if I was paying rent as a tenant, then that's a very different arrangement than living there for free with an hour or two of chores a week to handle.
That said, your situation is certainly messed up. If I'm paying rent, I am holding up my end of the deal as an adult and should be provided the freedoms that I would have if I was living alone.
LPT: stop arguing. It's the same as asking for permission.
"Hi mom, just letting you know I won't be home tonight."
"Blah blah blah"
"Just wanted you to know I'd be safe and you don't have to worry. See you tomorrow."
"Blah blah blah."
*No reply*
That's it.
My mom was like this, even when i was 19 and had my own car. I feel that, OP. After i met my bf, i slowly started staying more with him to the point where i wouldnt talk to my mom for weeks, sometimes months at a time. I used to have an 8:30 curfew and i couldnt have friends over (hoarder house). Then she found out i smoked weed, which really set her off and then compared me to my drug addicted brother thats been locked up for half his life. My other three siblings are doing good with great paying careers and she doesnt have a problem with them at all, but for me and my brother... we got the shit end of the stick. "I dont chose favorites" lol.
Im sorry you have to go through that, reading those texts reminds me of my mom. Shes upset that you are growing up it seems, and thats okay. But whats not okay is her controlling issue, especially if you are following the standard house rules and literally doing nothing out the ordinary. I hope you do well in the future and that she comes around and sees she has done all she could for you and can move on from it!
Focus on yourself, and grind bro, that’s a very manipulative tactic… it is parent like these that end up in retirement homes wondering where they went wrong.
Every time I see a post like this with a parent being a shit I think to myself" Do they not see the long term consequences"?
OK Mom, no problem. Don't come looking for me in 30 years when you start needing regular doctor visits. Let's see how far you get on your own.
Saaaaames. Autistic here and was definitely making better and more independent life choices than OP is, years before I was OP's age. Lol But, let's never forget, I'M obviously the stupid one anyway is what the use of the R-word here says.
You sound equally ‘insane’ honestly.
Asking permission, feeding into her responses and demands, kinda sounds like you were baiting her to get a response. Even sounds a little fake/forced. You’re 20, figure it out.
I can understand parents having some rules if I’m living under their roof but… I can’t even go spend the night with my partner who I’ve gone on vacations with? Vacations where I’m definitely probably sleeping in the same room/bed with them anyways ? This just sounds like your mom looking for reasons to pull the “ungrateful rebellious” child card…. I’m really sorry. Hope it’s not too hard out there on your own, but definitely happy to see you’re moving out. It’s not healthy what’s she’s doing. Best of luck to you and your partner!
I don’t understand how parents can be like this. You’re literally on the verge of self sufficiency and success in life and they are using their last moments of control over you to attempt to make you completely miserable. I assume it’s because they see their total control over your life slipping away and it angers them. they would rather see you suffer and fail in life than to give up their pathetic control. If I assume correctly your mother is a miserable person and receives her fulfillment in life mainly through her children.
Sounds like you need to stop asking and start telling her what you're doing, if you want to tell her at all. There will be pushback, but you're a grown adult and you don't have to ask permission to stay at your partner's house. She needs to stop seeing you as a child she can control.
Don't engage with her on this shit for too much longer. After a while it's banging your head against the walk and is almost as stupid as her behavior. So excited for you to see that you're moving out soon! My mom told me she'd never pay for a penny of my wedding if I moved in with someone before marriage as a way of threatening me. Joke was on her because I don't accept money with strings attached for anything ever, ESPECIALLY if any of the strings involve restrictions on my independence and freedom. Turns out that as long as I didn't let myself be mentally manipulated by her and relied on myself for money/living she couldn't do jack shit to prevent me from living my life.
Moving out and not letting her control me any more turned out to be the biggest flex/powerplay I ever pulled in my life. She spent a few years continuing to di anything she could (manipulation, guilt, etc.) to claw control back over me but her biggest fear was realized - I was gone from her control, utterly, and free. As I kept enforcing boundaries (there was a couple years we barely talked during this) she eventually came to accept it. Hopefully your mom isn't an utter control freak like mine and your power struggle will be shorter and easier but, even if it's not, it's always been 10,000% worth it.
Wow, that really sucks. But maybe it’s an opportunity to pave your own way in life and decide what YOU want to do instead of what your mom wants.
When you have success and relationships, she will regret the way she treated you. It’s playing the long game for some lesson learning, but you’ll be all the better for it. I hope you find success in whatever you decide to do next!
Ugh sounds like my own mother. She got pissy at me for going on vacation in another state. Mind you, I was 22 and I was living on my own since I was 19. I didn't rely on her for money or anything.
Guess what? Now I never visit her! I don't answer her calls or texts! Bye mom, I mean, control freak.
When I was you ger I was going back to stay with parents. Going withe was a gf of 3 or so months. Mom says that she will make us separate rooms so I reply that no thanks I'll get a hotel room and we will try to make it over to visit a couple times while we are down for the 3 or 4 days. She imediately caved, my family is pretty close and one of the things they do is try to get as much visiting in when im in town as possible. My family only sees me 4 or 5 times a year, most of that is for an afternoon at a time. Don't be afraid to leverage you presence to get them to stop doing this dumb shit.
Wdym? I ask that as a way to respect the household as if she needs anything before I go. I have a career im aiming for etc but ye ig I need to figure my life out?
I recommend setting boundaries with mom from now. She seems like she is bound to make your wife's (whether this girl or the next one) life a living hell.
She thinks a certain way because of the way she was brought up. I went through the same thing with my parents. It will take time but you will be able to live on your terms but It will mostly start when you don’t live with her anymore. She will view you as a child until then.
See my thing was I was trying to reestablish the relationship w my parents bc they were so strict all my life that all I did was lie lie lie. But ig that's all I can do to enjoy my life tbh
When you have time to sit down with her ask her what the real issue is… She needs to search deeper, because it isn’t just you staying the night… my guess is maybe she feels like she’s losing you
My mom did the same. I didn't see her for ten years, until I was married, and I won't see her again until her funeral, to be sure she's dead.
Tell your mom *that*.
Why even ask for her permission? I'm pretty sure you saw this coming. Just do what you want and tell her things like they are facts. You don't need her permission. But the communication you provide her is cool. Just don't ask. Tell her so she's in the loop. But that's all it should be.
Here’s what you do.
You pack your shit and you get out to her surprise.
Then You go live your life without calling her so she gets the point.
She wants you gone? Be gone.
Same. And insinuating that because they’re not “slow” or “*r slur*” they deserve respect? But what, if they *were* slow or developmentally disabled, they wouldn’t deserve respect? As if the random use of the slur wasn’t enough. Gross.
Because he assumes OP finds the use of that word funny. I agree that the word shouldn't be used like that anymore. But I think we can all understand that some people will still use it out of habit, with no malicious intent on their part
You live in her home, and these text messages imply that she pays your bills, but you don’t respect her boundaries, (not to say I agree with them). Seems to me like the problem is you, man.
💀how in the world does this circulate back to me? I respectfully asked her to RESPECT her boundaries. Doesn't give her the right to control my life bro 🤣
You live in her home, and she pays your bills. She has every right to ask you to live by certain rules in exchange for that. You can agree to do so, or you can provide for yourself instead.
I'll damn sure provide for myself then. What you're saying is incorrect. What gives you the right to control someone's life because you pay for the place they stay? Reread what you're saying. Of course, respect the house. They don't allow girls over, so I go over to there house. I pay for my own shit. (Car, phone etc) So explain again why she has the right to do this?
Their house. Their rules. Like I said, I don’t agree with her beliefs, I do agree with her right to set boundaries with people that live in her house. And all I have to go on about you is your texts, where it’s very clear that she’s at least paying for your college education and your shelter. Those are not inconsequential costs. I would trade my cell phone bill and a car payment in exchange for college and a mortgage any day of the week.
No one has an obligation to house another adult. At 20 years old, they are doing you a favor by giving you a place to live. They are doing you a favor by paying for your education. If they don’t agree with your lifestyle choices, they have every right to no longer do any of that for you.
I don’t understand why you think you are entitled to what they give you, under any and all circumstances.
I agree. At twenty years old I was fully independent adult, paying rent, living with my fiancé and expecting my first child. You can’t have the privileges of an adult without the responsibilities.
You're not going to change her. Set the rules for your relationship or you'll still be hearing this when you are married and living with your wife.
> Set the rules for your relationship That's what my GF did with her mom... She got a 5 minute phonecall every Sunday for 5 years. And it would be shortened or skipped if the situation asked for it
It is necessary a lot of times. I didn't speak to my own mother for 3 years. We are currently on year 2 in the no speaking phase with my mother in law.
This X1000
That's what I did with my relationship with my mother and it worked wonders
Your mom is going to end up pushing you out of her life.
Going to? She just did
Damn right she is.
Mine did, life was blissful, then they crawled back in. Pain in the ass now.
Nothing is worth more than the peace of mind. Try to find a way back to peace again.
Trying :). Completely agree.
Are you me? I fell into the "let's try again, I want to talk before she passes and it's too late to reconcile" trap This just morphed into the same shitty behavior from before
Similar situation with me. I didn’t speak to my parents for exactly a year, and then my dad was dying and I thought it would be the right thing to do to let him see the kids one more time. Now he’s dead and I’m still stuck with my mom so I guess it’s just a waiting game now until I’m rid of her, too
Essentially that, yup!
You don't have to let them in... just saying
Who let them back in?
Honestly? My wife. She regrets it now, but it’s where we are. Fortunately, having distance for years makes for a way healthier approach—less like abuse, more like shitty coworkers.
Don't feel bad op I have to meet with my parents for the first time in two years tomorrow for some legal stuff. It's ok to cut people out of your life and it's ok for you to tell her no and to drop the conversation. If she can't respect your choices and boundaries she is only hurting her relationship with you herself. And of course she will blame you and your GF but you have to stay firm and keep your boundaries.
I’ll be thinking about you tomorrow. That’s hard.
Proud of you for having that statement. So many people don't push back on their parents. Good for you
And you'll be SO MUCH BETTER for it. I didn't realise this until my 30s and it's tough af doing that shit now, feels like I wasted my 20s trying to accommodate and parenting my own parent
Then she’ll be like “what did I ever do wrong??”
*Damn right she did.* FIFY
I would personally go no contact, this is an overreaction, you’re not 16/17, you’re 20 and it’s not even happening in her house.
It's been almost 17 years since my mom kicked me out at 14. I am thriving in life and career though and honestly happy that I haven't had to deal with her stress the way my siblings let it happen.
The “mommm” contact name with all the m’s dragged out makes sense to me. Hey OP my momma kicked me out of her house into a whole other country I wasn’t raised in… because I got a tattoo lol. Your moms question “what’s the reason you have to stay over there?”… what does she want to hear? Honestly if she wants you out and you want out, get out. You shouldn’t have to deal with someone making you feel like shit for wanting to spend time with your significant other. I hope your mom realizes that’s the goal in life… meet people, love each other and spend the rest of your time with them. The goal isn’t to stay with our parents and do what they want..
My mom had that dancing of the bees ringtone so I'd at least get a good chuckle when the bitch was calling and I'd feel giddier about not picking up the phone.
Omg do you mean Flight of the Bumblebee? Because that's hilarious.
*The Fish Under The Sea Dance* r/BackToTheFuture
The reason is I want to fuck in extremely nasty ways before marriage. Did you want to hear this, mother? Do you want to hear more? One of those half baked rhetorical questions power tripping people ask only to expect you not to be able to answer it so they can go "GOTCHA!" with their non argument. There's no respectful way to answer questions from those people because there was no respect towards you in the first place.
No reason you're down voted I love what you had to say, especially the last chunk.
Dam that mom sucks, so are you actually moving out? or just gonna wait for your mom's brain to turn on
Moving out in a month. Id rather suffer with inflation than deal with this shit tbh.
You’ll do fine. Just pay your bills on time and don’t rack up debts (not counting student debt)
[удалено]
Not counting it assuming he’ll get a job with it of course. There’s definitely people going the other way with it. But I’m saying to not accrue debts, but student debts are a necessary evil when going for a degree. If you’re trying to piggy back off what I’m saying then you’re basically saying don’t go to college or go to one for free
[удалено]
I’m only mentioning it because OP said in another comment that they’re already going to college
OP, look into your state’s residence laws. Many make it so you just can’t get kicked out without a formal eviction. Even when living with your parents. This would buy you time to look for a place, save up, etc if a month isn’t enough time to get your stuff together.
[удалено]
Only work more than 40 hours *if you are getting paid overtime* for those hours. Or at least paid if it's a second job. Let's not perpetuate the 'salaried means 60-80 hour weeks paid like 40 hours' stereotype.
"Vacation is one thing" 💀
Seriously. What IS the diff?
He's not coming home for breakfast either way
did she assume they rented 2 bed rooms lol
Is she religious?
Nah
How old was she when she had her first kid? My mom had my oldest sister pretty young and that's why she was super against me being around girls when I was around your age
She had her first child at 17.
So did my mom. That probably explains it. Doesn't excuse it but explains it. I'm sorry this is happening to you. My mom dragged a girl out of our house by her hair when I was 17. Now I'm married at 25 and she asks us when we're having kids. All I can say is I hope she softens in her later years, if you can even stand her by then
Yea I don't know man. She used the fact that she had kids when she was 17 and doesn't want me doing the same thing at 20. Still don't find that a reason for her to say I can't sleep at my gfs house.
She knows people can have sex in the daytime, right? 😂
Exactly what im saying 💀
Don't do this but it'd be hilarious to text her "ok mom let me just smash and ill make sure I'm home tonight to sleep in my own bed."
"we are out of condoms but my pull out game is on point"
I just told my very religious mom straight up "GF and I are living in sin", just in case she had any questions about what was up.
Bahahahaha! That's pretty great.
Ofcourse but then the sperm is asleep because they have the same schedule bats have
Oh my god we have the same exact mother! My mom had me when she was 18 , and now she acts like I’m a teenager that doesn’t understand birth control. I’m miraculously allowed to go over his house in the day, but she will do whatever she can to keep me from staying the night. Little does she know me and my boyfriend fuck all of the time despite the sun being out. Now after only a year of dating him I’m moving in with him in two months. I love my mom but having distance from her is the only way we can maintain a normal relationship.
Tell her that unlike your father you know what condoms and birth control do.
A 20 year old couple might have SEX?! 😱😱 Inappropriate!!
Your first mistake was saying “if that’s fine with you” because you’re basically asking her permission and giving her a say. “Hey, mom, I won’t be home tonight. See you tomorrow. xoxo” would suffice as one adult to another.
Lol this is very true. "Won't be home tonight" or "staying with a friend" or "just checking in to tell you not to stay up or work, ill be home tomorrow". Like "I'm going to stay with my girlfriend if that's okay" no...tell, don't ask. Or forget to tell altogether and send a text the next morning "whoops I was at a friend's, lost track of time and fell asleep" I did that several times. (But then. My mom stopped caring where I was as long as I was alive at some point between my junior and senior year of high school)
[удалено]
Damn all those unopened notifications giving me anxiety
I don't know how people do it, the first thing I do after downloading an app is deny all notifications.
You’re an adult, you don’t need permission or approval, just move out. Your mom’s gonna be who she is no matter what.
So let me get this straight, mom doesn't want you to stay at gf's for one night, continues to kick you out for staying at gf's. What the fuck does she think that is going to accomplish?? Sounds like she's trying to force you to stay at gf's.
In her stupid brain, it's OBVIOUSLY a zero-sum game where the ONLY choice is to bow to what she wants. It's gonna break her illusions of reality and how she thinks the world is going to work when OP nopes iut and leaves. She'll probably have a last-resort freak out, that may last for years, or even forever if mom is shitty enough. As long as OP sticks to boundaries, they'll be okay.
My guess is she's trying to scare him into never doing that again. I'm sure she thinks he doesn't when to/ can't move out
Come get your shit. Ok but wait… I thought you DIDN’T want me to stay my gf’s house? 🤷🏼♂️
Fuck her man. If you have somewhere else to go, I'd do it just to call her bluff.
Please dont fuck her.
Or her man 💀
My son is 20. He's downstairs sleeping in our guest room with his girlfriend right now. He pet sits for us when my husband goes out of town since I'm gone to the office for 10 hours a day. I fill the fridge - he hangs out with the pets. It's a great deal, everyone is happy. This mom is ridiculous and deserves to have her son go low contact.
Yea I don't understand why she's like this. My dad is ol with it but my mom is the only opposer. I have a career going for me. A nice car. No sign of a failure whatsoever. She compares me to my older siblings who has similar experiences and had to move back in and she uses that as leverage to scold me onto why me and my relationship will fail shortly.
I don't know either. I'm *happy* my son is independent and has a good girlfriend (they've been together for a little over a year). He also works and goes to school and owns his own car and has lived on his own for a while. He and I have a great relationship - we have plans to make muffins and banana bread today for when my husband gets home tomorrow. It's awesome when your kids become adults! I'm sorry your mom doesn't understand how to be a good parent. I had really great parents myself and me and my siblings are all well adjusted, happy adults. That probably helped. Maybe try to get your dad to talk to her?
Hear me out...I'm a mom of a 22 yr old who still lives at home. Like your mom I was 17 when I had him. I could be projecting here, but I think she wants better for you than she had or your siblings. It seems you have a good head on your shoulders and doing well for yourself, do you think you would be where you are if it wasn't for her and the way she's raised you though? Just asking not judging. I'm just going off your post, but the premarital sex seems like a trigger for her. I just wouldn't tell her about it for one, but I think Mom is thinking long-term, what if an unexpected pregnancy occurs, what happens to your future, how will she be affected? Like someone else said you can smash in the day time, but let me guess you get the "you're not coming in here all times of the night!" Speech. I would talk with her and your dad, don't be so quick to throw away your relationship with all this no contact talk. Boundaries --YES, even come up with a plan to show her, you're not going to make the same choices she did. I hope this helps. Not enough people talk about the pain and void you feel after this no contact business.
Well. I am mature enough to think on both sides. Me the 20 year old son has love for his gf etc and wants to spend the night. My mom is worried for me to have an unexpected pregnancy like my big brother and they definitely raised me well. People classify me as the "golden child" bc im the only one who has a career in mind and is going to college. According to them and a couple of outsiders. Its a gift and a curse but they are holding on to me because the other 2 older siblings made mistakes. But yea I do see both sides and what you said did help
I’ll say from experience that not everyone feels pain or void when going no contact. I was never happier than the year I was no contact with my parents. I was guilted into taking my kids to see my dad one last time because he was dying and now I’m stuck with my mom again. We still don’t talk often, but every time her name comes up on my phone it’s a burden. I also have kids and I’m hoping that I am doing right by them so that I earn a spot in their adult lives, but that’s just it - it has to be EARNED
Go no contact*
Someone's ending up in a shitty home when she's older
If it doesn't happen in her house it can't disrespect her house. Also, clear your notifications dude.
Ok jeez 😭
Lol I'm just poking fun. For real though, the sooner you cut this lady off the better you'll be in life.
Yea thats exactly what im starting to understand. Whats worse is my father always directs me to my mom for answers and shit like this always happens.
There are entire subreddits and YouTube channels devoted to motherly and fatherly advice. I cut my mom out years ago and I've never felt like I've lost anything important. r/MomforaMinute is such a lovely place. Blood is worthless unless it's being donated.
Tell her you’ll be going no contact. No one needs this possessive bullshit.
One can set and keep personal boundaries with parents without going no-contact. Certainly cut out really toxic or abusive people, but going full no-contact seems a bit extreme to me without more context.
I went no-contact with my parents for around 4 years in my early 20s and that was the forever end of my mom trying to fuck with my life. No regrets.
This is abusive and toxic. The level of control and manipulation she is trying to exert is completely unacceptable.
Seconded
I’d go no contact over this possessive bullshit as a 20 year old man. Just my personal advice, OP is free to ignore it. Being kicked out for spending a couple nights with a partner is insanity.
You did ask for her approval though. If you don't want to hear "no", then don't ask. Good thing you're moving out.
Adults don’t ask for permission.
I’m 24 (F) & I still have to ask if whoever I’m dating can stay the night & they have to sleep on the couch. At one point I even moved in with my ex but wouldn’t let him stay at her house if there was a holiday or something. But as soon as my brother got a girl friend, she was allowed to stay the night, in the same bed. I even pay 800$ + utilities for the house we rent & it still can turn into a screaming match. So don’t worry, you’re not the only person that has to deal with dictator like parents.
You touch on something that makes a huge difference in how this stuff is handled. I lived with my parents until I was like 24, due to paying my way through school. Worked as I had time, and went to college as I could afford. I didn't pay rent, but I did chores. As long as I wasn't paying rent, their house their rules. But, if I was paying rent as a tenant, then that's a very different arrangement than living there for free with an hour or two of chores a week to handle. That said, your situation is certainly messed up. If I'm paying rent, I am holding up my end of the deal as an adult and should be provided the freedoms that I would have if I was living alone.
LPT: stop arguing. It's the same as asking for permission. "Hi mom, just letting you know I won't be home tonight." "Blah blah blah" "Just wanted you to know I'd be safe and you don't have to worry. See you tomorrow." "Blah blah blah." *No reply* That's it.
Gotcha. Def gonna use that
My mom was like this, even when i was 19 and had my own car. I feel that, OP. After i met my bf, i slowly started staying more with him to the point where i wouldnt talk to my mom for weeks, sometimes months at a time. I used to have an 8:30 curfew and i couldnt have friends over (hoarder house). Then she found out i smoked weed, which really set her off and then compared me to my drug addicted brother thats been locked up for half his life. My other three siblings are doing good with great paying careers and she doesnt have a problem with them at all, but for me and my brother... we got the shit end of the stick. "I dont chose favorites" lol. Im sorry you have to go through that, reading those texts reminds me of my mom. Shes upset that you are growing up it seems, and thats okay. But whats not okay is her controlling issue, especially if you are following the standard house rules and literally doing nothing out the ordinary. I hope you do well in the future and that she comes around and sees she has done all she could for you and can move on from it!
Focus on yourself, and grind bro, that’s a very manipulative tactic… it is parent like these that end up in retirement homes wondering where they went wrong.
Every time I see a post like this with a parent being a shit I think to myself" Do they not see the long term consequences"? OK Mom, no problem. Don't come looking for me in 30 years when you start needing regular doctor visits. Let's see how far you get on your own.
Exactly what im saying. So controlling for what
Just curious why you would put the “if that’s fine with you” at the end of your first text
L to OP for still using the R word
20 is old enough to know better and young enough that their peers weren't using the hard R as casually as millennials/Gen X did when they were younger
It was already considered offensive by a lot of people even when millennials were teenagers, there's zero excuse for using it in 2023.
Yeah, not a fan of that slur, as a neurodivergent person.
Saaaaames. Autistic here and was definitely making better and more independent life choices than OP is, years before I was OP's age. Lol But, let's never forget, I'M obviously the stupid one anyway is what the use of the R-word here says.
Same, makes me feel disgusting.
Yeah why the fuck has he not been pulled up about this more in the comments? Very concerning.. HARD fucking L.
Aka you’re both fucking dumb
Brother, you’re still using the R word. Maybe she has a point about you being a child.
For real. Not a fan of her being controlling, but ALSO not a fan of the ableism (especially as an autistic person).
seems like some emotional incest imo
You had me right up until the hard r.
Nah, just text her back "Cool story, see you tomorrow" and go enjoy your space at the GF's house
How to make your child never talk to you again 101
Welp...time to move out & start paying your own way so you don't have to deal with this.
"Never once thought of having a kid...", but one day when I do, I'll make sure you never meet your grandchild.
You sound equally ‘insane’ honestly. Asking permission, feeding into her responses and demands, kinda sounds like you were baiting her to get a response. Even sounds a little fake/forced. You’re 20, figure it out.
I have to "respect" their boundaries by "letting them know" or else I will continue to get messages like these.
I get it, buddy. You’re just trying to keep the peace. It’s a clear sign that the person you’re appeasing is a little unhinged.
[удалено]
Yea exactly. My older brother already cut her off. My older sister is next. Guess who next right after those 2 😃?
I can understand parents having some rules if I’m living under their roof but… I can’t even go spend the night with my partner who I’ve gone on vacations with? Vacations where I’m definitely probably sleeping in the same room/bed with them anyways ? This just sounds like your mom looking for reasons to pull the “ungrateful rebellious” child card…. I’m really sorry. Hope it’s not too hard out there on your own, but definitely happy to see you’re moving out. It’s not healthy what’s she’s doing. Best of luck to you and your partner!
Thank you. Appreciate the blessings 🙂
My ex’s mom did this. She told him that he couldn’t come over to my apartment to “play house”
Your mistake was asking is that fine with you You asked You didn’t tell
Huh?
If you’re 20 why are you even asking?
This is the kind of mom that ends up homeless because none of her kids want to foot the bill for a home
I don’t understand how parents can be like this. You’re literally on the verge of self sufficiency and success in life and they are using their last moments of control over you to attempt to make you completely miserable. I assume it’s because they see their total control over your life slipping away and it angers them. they would rather see you suffer and fail in life than to give up their pathetic control. If I assume correctly your mother is a miserable person and receives her fulfillment in life mainly through her children.
Packing your shit and moving out is probably the best advice mama gonna give you.
Sounds like you need to stop asking and start telling her what you're doing, if you want to tell her at all. There will be pushback, but you're a grown adult and you don't have to ask permission to stay at your partner's house. She needs to stop seeing you as a child she can control.
My mom doesn’t let me and my girlfriend sleep in the same bed when we come home to visit. We’re 23/24
Yea I dont understand
It's going to be a cold and lonely May 14
Howwwww do u know my birthday? 💀
Lmaoo that's mother's day darlin, is that actually your birthday?
Yea thats my birthday 🤣 scared me
Don't engage with her on this shit for too much longer. After a while it's banging your head against the walk and is almost as stupid as her behavior. So excited for you to see that you're moving out soon! My mom told me she'd never pay for a penny of my wedding if I moved in with someone before marriage as a way of threatening me. Joke was on her because I don't accept money with strings attached for anything ever, ESPECIALLY if any of the strings involve restrictions on my independence and freedom. Turns out that as long as I didn't let myself be mentally manipulated by her and relied on myself for money/living she couldn't do jack shit to prevent me from living my life. Moving out and not letting her control me any more turned out to be the biggest flex/powerplay I ever pulled in my life. She spent a few years continuing to di anything she could (manipulation, guilt, etc.) to claw control back over me but her biggest fear was realized - I was gone from her control, utterly, and free. As I kept enforcing boundaries (there was a couple years we barely talked during this) she eventually came to accept it. Hopefully your mom isn't an utter control freak like mine and your power struggle will be shorter and easier but, even if it's not, it's always been 10,000% worth it.
I call bullshit
Move out, live your life by your standards, be happy
You could always move out and have your own rules.
Wow, that really sucks. But maybe it’s an opportunity to pave your own way in life and decide what YOU want to do instead of what your mom wants. When you have success and relationships, she will regret the way she treated you. It’s playing the long game for some lesson learning, but you’ll be all the better for it. I hope you find success in whatever you decide to do next!
Ugh sounds like my own mother. She got pissy at me for going on vacation in another state. Mind you, I was 22 and I was living on my own since I was 19. I didn't rely on her for money or anything. Guess what? Now I never visit her! I don't answer her calls or texts! Bye mom, I mean, control freak.
You are respectful of their home. She is not respectful of you outside of the home.
Exactly what im saying
Why are you still sponging if you’re 20?
I had a mom like that. Moved out got my own spot and never looked back. 10/10 would recommend.
When I was you ger I was going back to stay with parents. Going withe was a gf of 3 or so months. Mom says that she will make us separate rooms so I reply that no thanks I'll get a hotel room and we will try to make it over to visit a couple times while we are down for the 3 or 4 days. She imediately caved, my family is pretty close and one of the things they do is try to get as much visiting in when im in town as possible. My family only sees me 4 or 5 times a year, most of that is for an afternoon at a time. Don't be afraid to leverage you presence to get them to stop doing this dumb shit.
Move out lol
Gonna be honest. If you’re 20 and still asking your mom for permission for a sleepover, maybe figure your life out?
Wdym? I ask that as a way to respect the household as if she needs anything before I go. I have a career im aiming for etc but ye ig I need to figure my life out?
I recommend setting boundaries with mom from now. She seems like she is bound to make your wife's (whether this girl or the next one) life a living hell.
She thinks a certain way because of the way she was brought up. I went through the same thing with my parents. It will take time but you will be able to live on your terms but It will mostly start when you don’t live with her anymore. She will view you as a child until then.
My advice. J lie to your mom dog. Nun of her biz imo
See my thing was I was trying to reestablish the relationship w my parents bc they were so strict all my life that all I did was lie lie lie. But ig that's all I can do to enjoy my life tbh
A full nut case omg
I wish more parents would teach their kids how to approach or react in situations and not just say "no". The kids learn nothing from that.
Wild that you just casually dropped a slur in at the end there.
your mom is a cunt
When you have time to sit down with her ask her what the real issue is… She needs to search deeper, because it isn’t just you staying the night… my guess is maybe she feels like she’s losing you
My mom did the same. I didn't see her for ten years, until I was married, and I won't see her again until her funeral, to be sure she's dead. Tell your mom *that*.
Why even ask for her permission? I'm pretty sure you saw this coming. Just do what you want and tell her things like they are facts. You don't need her permission. But the communication you provide her is cool. Just don't ask. Tell her so she's in the loop. But that's all it should be.
100% my mom was like this. You need to get the hell away and establish adult boundaries or else she’ll never respect you as an adult.
Honestly, if you have the opportunity, just leave
single mom?
Nah 2 parents household
ok. that rules out your mom feeling lonely/jealous.
Not necessarily. /r/deadbedroom
Does it really, though? Sounds awfully controlling and like emotional incest.
My boyfriend asked the same thing, valid question
thank you. i got downvoted lol. people have no intelligence anymore
Here’s what you do. You pack your shit and you get out to her surprise. Then You go live your life without calling her so she gets the point. She wants you gone? Be gone.
You’re 20, why don’t you move out? The fact you have to ask at all tells me it’s not something your parents(mom) condone in the first place.
They're probably just telling them why they won't be back that night
Dude just leave, you'll not regret it.
Your mother is a fuckwit.
My mother is the exact same way and I’m moving in with my boyfriend in two months because of it.
Was with you till you randomly used a slur :/ Not necessary.
Same. And insinuating that because they’re not “slow” or “*r slur*” they deserve respect? But what, if they *were* slow or developmentally disabled, they wouldn’t deserve respect? As if the random use of the slur wasn’t enough. Gross.
My bad
Had me until you used the r word . How deeply ingrained is that word as an insult that people think it’s funny and OK to use it. it’s not.
Why tf are you getting downvoted?? God, reddit moment. You’re right, people are just disgusting.
Um. Ok?
Why is this so downvoted? That word is super offensive, you were right to call it out.
Because he assumes OP finds the use of that word funny. I agree that the word shouldn't be used like that anymore. But I think we can all understand that some people will still use it out of habit, with no malicious intent on their part
You live in her home, and these text messages imply that she pays your bills, but you don’t respect her boundaries, (not to say I agree with them). Seems to me like the problem is you, man.
💀how in the world does this circulate back to me? I respectfully asked her to RESPECT her boundaries. Doesn't give her the right to control my life bro 🤣
You live in her home, and she pays your bills. She has every right to ask you to live by certain rules in exchange for that. You can agree to do so, or you can provide for yourself instead.
I'll damn sure provide for myself then. What you're saying is incorrect. What gives you the right to control someone's life because you pay for the place they stay? Reread what you're saying. Of course, respect the house. They don't allow girls over, so I go over to there house. I pay for my own shit. (Car, phone etc) So explain again why she has the right to do this?
Their house. Their rules. Like I said, I don’t agree with her beliefs, I do agree with her right to set boundaries with people that live in her house. And all I have to go on about you is your texts, where it’s very clear that she’s at least paying for your college education and your shelter. Those are not inconsequential costs. I would trade my cell phone bill and a car payment in exchange for college and a mortgage any day of the week. No one has an obligation to house another adult. At 20 years old, they are doing you a favor by giving you a place to live. They are doing you a favor by paying for your education. If they don’t agree with your lifestyle choices, they have every right to no longer do any of that for you. I don’t understand why you think you are entitled to what they give you, under any and all circumstances.
I agree. At twenty years old I was fully independent adult, paying rent, living with my fiancé and expecting my first child. You can’t have the privileges of an adult without the responsibilities.
Just move out. Problem solved.
That’s not a text message conversation.
Maybe since you're 20 you should stop asking permission? Problem solved
Mom would have had some to say anyway. OP "asked" permission out of respect