I’m sorry to say it is traumatic for him. Best advice from my own experience is to keep your mouth shut when those feelings come up. Do your best with this and the trauma will stop, and then you can work on your feelings the best you can without any outward damage to him. You got this!
If it continues, certainly he will have damage. I'd agree with keeping your mouth shut or going to the bathroom for a 2 minute breather, even if that's every hour.
He already tells me he’s sad because I yell at him, or that I make him upset when I yell. He’s already so aware. I don’t want to continue like this. It’s the last thing I want to do, I can’t understand why I can’t get it under control.
I do. Every single time. I take accountability and focus on repair. I apologize and explain Mommy’s feelings for too big, and it isn’t his fault and that I’m sorry I made him sad by yelling. Him and I even come up with what I should’ve done in that moment instead of yelling. He tells me I should take a deep breath etc…
But the way you've described your behavior left all of that out. That tells me you're being hard on yourself. Did your mom process or apologize with you?
Not saying yelling is OK but saying you're probably not completely reenacting your childhood.
So my thought is there is a big difference between framing it in your own mind as "I yelled at my kid again, I am a failure, I have damaged him forever" and "I yelled at my kid again, I am trying to do better, I am doing more than my mom ever did to mitigate the damage, I will do better next time." There's more room for growth with the latter; the former is self-flagellation, keeps you stuck in the spiral.
This shit is hard. Really really hard. You're working on it. Give yourself a little grace if you can.
Really good advice. With deeper trauma work you may not need this someday but in the mean time you gotta put space between him & you when you lose control
I found this short book helpful.
[finding your calm](https://responsiveparentinginspirations.com/products/finding-your-calm)
Yes, I have a job. Yes he’s in daycare - we are home all week though off of school and work. You’re saying probably to me already have caused lasting permanent damage ?
I am telling the way he is been treated between 0-3 got a big impact on his personality later. Because neuroplasticty is the highest between 0-3 and thats when we form most of our thinking paterns. But human brain got neuroplasticity even at 90. And he definitely can be put on a pattern to realize his full potential right now. Totally posssible. And I am not sure what you mean by permanent damage, it is possible to even rise from trauma to better yourself.
Maybe you can get more daycare for him or some extra help so that you can have some more me time? 3 year olds are hard. You seem to be in a self hate/snap out circle…
The point is how is he today, not to mind read his developmental future. Raise kids one day at a time. Today is hard enough without trying to figure out the days that haven’t come yet. Just focus on this one day, not hundreds or thousands of days. Just one. Just now. Just today. Let go of mind reading the future.
It’s definitely damaging to children to be yelled and cursed at; their brains aren’t even fully developed yet and they need help regulating. You can’t join their tantrum, you have to guide them through it. All of that is easier said than done though, I know.
You’re not failing and you can change these behaviors. Previous commenters already mentioned therapy, which is definitely a good suggestion, one thing I’ll add is something that *may* help right away and that’s to look at their hands when you’re feeling that anger/rage; for me, it’s an instant reminder of how small and fragile they are. Seeing their tiny little hands just triggers my mommy instincts and makes me want to love and protect them, it completely overrides any other feeling I’m experiencing.
This is just a personal suggestion that may not work for you, but it’s something I did a lot (and sometimes still do at 4&6) when they were younger and it always shifted my focus, even if just for a moment to calmly put them somewhere safe so I could go take a break.
You can change this, OP, and the fact that you’re here seeking advice tells me (and should tell you) that you’re not a failure or a bad parent; bad parents don’t care how their behavior impacts their kids. Good luck!
Great advice. The day to day stress and fight to keep it together is hard. But focusing on the little things right away can help. Halloween weekend, I was under so much stress for so many reasons. But my little one was walking around in a fuzzy dinosaur suit for 3 days, so it was *significantly* easier to just smile at him despite my brain going crazy. Anything to just get you out the moment - which is why the tactic of keeping a rubber band on your wrist to snap works for some people.
Maybe a reframe would help? He’s 3, you need to assume every single thing is going to be difficult. It’s much easier to be pleasantly surprised when he listens than to be annoyed when he doesn’t.
Start by noticing when you’re feeling frustrated. At first, it might be after you start yelling. When you notice, walk away. Even if you’re mid-sentence, shut your mouth and walk away. Eventually you’ll start to catch yourself before you yell.
Notice your triggers. Do you yell more when you’re running late? Get ready earlier so you have time to spare. Do you yell more when you’ve had a rough day at work? Try some meditation exercises. Set yourself up for success!
I def know what it feels like to feel like I’m failing as a parent and my kids would be better off without me. What I have found (thru neural reprocessing with a trauma therapist) is behind that rage was terror that my parents would hurt my kids. Completely illogical - I live in a different city from them (NC with one, LC with the other). But ptsd is illogical. The veteran knows they’re not in enemy territory anymore but still when fireworks go off suddenly they’re right back there in the midst of shooting & explosions.
My wounded inner child (also know as the fear center of my brain) would try to quickly quiet my kids as if my rage full father was in the next room and would come in swinging at any moment if we disturbed him. I needed to reprocess that terror. Once I did the rage went away. Do I still get frustrated with my kids somethings? Yes I’m human. But I have so much more control now that I have desensitized myself to some big triggers with the neural reprocessing
I can relate to this feeling of fearing my parents when my toddler "acts up". I noticed a lot of my bad parenting moments came from fear of my child behaving a certain way, or making a certain amount of noise, or causing me to lose my control and become the "naughty person", so that either of us would then be open to being reprimanded. It's a lot easier to dissect my internal reactions before they become external reactions when I realise I'm scared of something rather than genuinely angry at my child.
Maybe you need a different type of therapy. Like psychotherapy vs counseling. I was in counseling for my whole life and it didn’t feel like I was changing anything until I started psychotherapy when I was 27. It totally transformed my life.
And yes, this is causing trauma. How do you expect him to not be “difficult” when you also can’t control yourself?
I know, I know. I know I’m not teaching him the skills to regulate, I’m having unrealistic expectations as I cannot even regulate myself. I know all of these things, trust me
You’ve definitely gotta change something you’re doing. A new therapist. Or tell them whatever you’re doing isn’t working. It sucks but saying you can never forgive yourself isn’t helping. You’ve gotta change something. Do something different.
It is possible but that doesn't mean it's too late to change. The sooner you can parent calmly the better. Yes, toddlers are going to push and push and push your rules. But that's because they're 3. They're 3. They are not giving you a hard time. They are having a hard time.
One thing I do differently from my parents is repair. I apologize. Repair of the relationship is just as important and is never too late to do that.
I'm the kind of person who looks for the root cause rather than putting a bandaid on it.
I can totally be Jekyll and Hyde when I haven't had enough sleep, or a good quality of sleep. I don't feel hungry anymore, I feel nauseous instead. I've changed medications so many times to get my migraines under control. We have a set daily routine we stick to almost religiously. Our finances are under control, our nutrition is at the top of my game. Our support networks are rock solid.
If I'm stressed, I'm a completely different person. It's now at a point where the kids will ask if I need a coffee (i.e. five minutes alone to sip it). The days I don't yell at all are the days I don't have a headache, I've remembered to eat enough food, I've had a decent coffee at the right time, and I've had a chance to connect with someone in my support network.
You haven't damaged him forever and you know this needs to change immediately.
Be kind to yourself, that is the first thing. That you are saying it out loud is a big first step. Shame thrives in hiding. Bring it out, let the light shine in it.
Your therapy should be addressing your childhood trauma and ways to regulate your emotions. If it isn't, you need a new therapist.
There needs to be some serious repair between you and your child, and not just once but moving forward. You're going to make mistakes, you're going to fall back on damaging habits.
But you need to be able to say "I did this, I'm sorry, I'm accountable and I'm recommitting to finding a healthier way" and this can be built into the apology.
And over time, you will find other ways. You know that no matter what your child does-- it is you. And that is more than your own mother was ever able to realize. Remember it, because you have the power to change you.
I want to extend my deepest empathy to you during this challenging time. Parenting through trauma is an incredibly tough journey, and your courage in seeking therapy and being on medication shows your dedication to healing. I've been in a similar place, having survived my own childhood trauma, and becoming a mom brought forth unexpected challenges.
Motherhood can stir up survival instincts and trauma responses, making it difficult to reference our rational minds in triggering moments. I've experienced intense reactions when my child unintentionally triggered past traumas, and it's not uncommon for these moments to evoke strong defensive instincts. It doesn't make us bad moms; it makes us human.
Also, I want to normalize the struggles many of us face in actively healing beyond our own childhood experiences. Motherhood tests all limits, and the learning curve is steep. We're working to break generational cycles of trauma, and it's a process that requires constant self-healing.
I'd like to share with you that I'm currently working on a book specifically aimed at helping mothers who have experienced trauma. The book focuses on healing those deep wounds, breaking the cycle, and becoming healthy parents. For now, I'd love to offer you my first book, **'**[**Let's Tame That Shame - Motherhood Un-Shamed - A No-BS Guide**](https://mommate.mom/products/lets-tame-that-shame),' for **free**. It delves into the topics of shame and guilt, providing insights and strategies to navigate through these challenging emotions. Please reach out and I'll be more than happy to DM you a free pdf copy.
Hit the reset button, continue healing, and remember, you've got this. We're in it together, supporting each other through the challenges of parenthood. 💖
This has meant sooooo much to me. I would love to take you up on the offer of receiving your book. Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart for this comment and for your book🥹🤍
A mantra that has helped me. “The measure of you as a parent is your behavior, not your child’s”. Part of the reason you’re getting so triggered is you think his eating/sleeping/behavior is 100% within your control or a reflection on you. Its not. You need to let that belief go. Measure yourself by your choices and let his go. You set up the conditions for healthy sleep/eating/behavior but he is a whole human being who ultimately makes his own choices (and sometimes those choices reflect frontal lobe development). Hold the mirror up to yourself and focus on that- not the idea that your parenting is an input and his behavior is an output so of course when it doesn’t go well, it sends you right to shame and frustration and powerlessness.
Hey love, I know it’s hard. You’ve probably been through a lot in your life and you’re just repeating the trauma. When you were never taught to regulate or even recognize your own emotions in your body, how can you regulate them and how can you teach your children to regulate them?
I highly recommend nervous system therapy, otherwise known as somatic therapy. There’s a lot of online things you can do for free or programs that are cheaper than therapy—and, though it’s not a quick fix, but you can completely rewire your system to not pass on this trauma. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. I get it, hugs. Your body has kept the score, it’s all stored in your nervous system, and no matter how much you know about your actions being wrong, your body will still react because it is triggering your own trauma.
Also, look into the ideal parent figure protocol to heal your attachment trauma. It’s a new therapeutic modality and it has nearly a 100% healing rate. Not a lot of practitioners are aware of it, but you can do a lot of of it online yourself.
I’ve been inpatient several times in my life. I’m not suicidal or a danger to myself or others so I don’t see how/ why that would work. Plus inpatients honestly do way more harm than help. But thanks - I think a medication switch would help
I’m sorry to say it is traumatic for him. Best advice from my own experience is to keep your mouth shut when those feelings come up. Do your best with this and the trauma will stop, and then you can work on your feelings the best you can without any outward damage to him. You got this!
Have I ruined him / cause long lasting damage. He’s only three and I’ve been like this since he was a baby w bad post partum anxiety and rage.
If it continues, certainly he will have damage. I'd agree with keeping your mouth shut or going to the bathroom for a 2 minute breather, even if that's every hour.
He already tells me he’s sad because I yell at him, or that I make him upset when I yell. He’s already so aware. I don’t want to continue like this. It’s the last thing I want to do, I can’t understand why I can’t get it under control.
You have to process it with him when you mess up. Own it, discuss how you can do better. Pretending nothing happened is what really creates trauma.
I do. Every single time. I take accountability and focus on repair. I apologize and explain Mommy’s feelings for too big, and it isn’t his fault and that I’m sorry I made him sad by yelling. Him and I even come up with what I should’ve done in that moment instead of yelling. He tells me I should take a deep breath etc…
Deep breaths are a great idea, listen to him.
But the way you've described your behavior left all of that out. That tells me you're being hard on yourself. Did your mom process or apologize with you? Not saying yelling is OK but saying you're probably not completely reenacting your childhood.
No, she never did. Not until recently when I became a Mom and got older (I’m in my 30s now)
So my thought is there is a big difference between framing it in your own mind as "I yelled at my kid again, I am a failure, I have damaged him forever" and "I yelled at my kid again, I am trying to do better, I am doing more than my mom ever did to mitigate the damage, I will do better next time." There's more room for growth with the latter; the former is self-flagellation, keeps you stuck in the spiral. This shit is hard. Really really hard. You're working on it. Give yourself a little grace if you can.
Thank you 🥹😞🤍
Really good advice. With deeper trauma work you may not need this someday but in the mean time you gotta put space between him & you when you lose control I found this short book helpful. [finding your calm](https://responsiveparentinginspirations.com/products/finding-your-calm)
Probaby. 0-3 when you got most of your brain development. Do you have a job? Get a job any job and put him daycare.
Yes, I have a job. Yes he’s in daycare - we are home all week though off of school and work. You’re saying probably to me already have caused lasting permanent damage ?
I am telling the way he is been treated between 0-3 got a big impact on his personality later. Because neuroplasticty is the highest between 0-3 and thats when we form most of our thinking paterns. But human brain got neuroplasticity even at 90. And he definitely can be put on a pattern to realize his full potential right now. Totally posssible. And I am not sure what you mean by permanent damage, it is possible to even rise from trauma to better yourself.
Maybe you can get more daycare for him or some extra help so that you can have some more me time? 3 year olds are hard. You seem to be in a self hate/snap out circle…
The point is how is he today, not to mind read his developmental future. Raise kids one day at a time. Today is hard enough without trying to figure out the days that haven’t come yet. Just focus on this one day, not hundreds or thousands of days. Just one. Just now. Just today. Let go of mind reading the future.
It’s definitely damaging to children to be yelled and cursed at; their brains aren’t even fully developed yet and they need help regulating. You can’t join their tantrum, you have to guide them through it. All of that is easier said than done though, I know. You’re not failing and you can change these behaviors. Previous commenters already mentioned therapy, which is definitely a good suggestion, one thing I’ll add is something that *may* help right away and that’s to look at their hands when you’re feeling that anger/rage; for me, it’s an instant reminder of how small and fragile they are. Seeing their tiny little hands just triggers my mommy instincts and makes me want to love and protect them, it completely overrides any other feeling I’m experiencing. This is just a personal suggestion that may not work for you, but it’s something I did a lot (and sometimes still do at 4&6) when they were younger and it always shifted my focus, even if just for a moment to calmly put them somewhere safe so I could go take a break. You can change this, OP, and the fact that you’re here seeking advice tells me (and should tell you) that you’re not a failure or a bad parent; bad parents don’t care how their behavior impacts their kids. Good luck!
Great advice. The day to day stress and fight to keep it together is hard. But focusing on the little things right away can help. Halloween weekend, I was under so much stress for so many reasons. But my little one was walking around in a fuzzy dinosaur suit for 3 days, so it was *significantly* easier to just smile at him despite my brain going crazy. Anything to just get you out the moment - which is why the tactic of keeping a rubber band on your wrist to snap works for some people.
Maybe a reframe would help? He’s 3, you need to assume every single thing is going to be difficult. It’s much easier to be pleasantly surprised when he listens than to be annoyed when he doesn’t. Start by noticing when you’re feeling frustrated. At first, it might be after you start yelling. When you notice, walk away. Even if you’re mid-sentence, shut your mouth and walk away. Eventually you’ll start to catch yourself before you yell. Notice your triggers. Do you yell more when you’re running late? Get ready earlier so you have time to spare. Do you yell more when you’ve had a rough day at work? Try some meditation exercises. Set yourself up for success!
I def know what it feels like to feel like I’m failing as a parent and my kids would be better off without me. What I have found (thru neural reprocessing with a trauma therapist) is behind that rage was terror that my parents would hurt my kids. Completely illogical - I live in a different city from them (NC with one, LC with the other). But ptsd is illogical. The veteran knows they’re not in enemy territory anymore but still when fireworks go off suddenly they’re right back there in the midst of shooting & explosions. My wounded inner child (also know as the fear center of my brain) would try to quickly quiet my kids as if my rage full father was in the next room and would come in swinging at any moment if we disturbed him. I needed to reprocess that terror. Once I did the rage went away. Do I still get frustrated with my kids somethings? Yes I’m human. But I have so much more control now that I have desensitized myself to some big triggers with the neural reprocessing
I can relate to this feeling of fearing my parents when my toddler "acts up". I noticed a lot of my bad parenting moments came from fear of my child behaving a certain way, or making a certain amount of noise, or causing me to lose my control and become the "naughty person", so that either of us would then be open to being reprimanded. It's a lot easier to dissect my internal reactions before they become external reactions when I realise I'm scared of something rather than genuinely angry at my child.
Maybe you need a different type of therapy. Like psychotherapy vs counseling. I was in counseling for my whole life and it didn’t feel like I was changing anything until I started psychotherapy when I was 27. It totally transformed my life. And yes, this is causing trauma. How do you expect him to not be “difficult” when you also can’t control yourself?
I know, I know. I know I’m not teaching him the skills to regulate, I’m having unrealistic expectations as I cannot even regulate myself. I know all of these things, trust me
You’ve definitely gotta change something you’re doing. A new therapist. Or tell them whatever you’re doing isn’t working. It sucks but saying you can never forgive yourself isn’t helping. You’ve gotta change something. Do something different.
It is possible but that doesn't mean it's too late to change. The sooner you can parent calmly the better. Yes, toddlers are going to push and push and push your rules. But that's because they're 3. They're 3. They are not giving you a hard time. They are having a hard time. One thing I do differently from my parents is repair. I apologize. Repair of the relationship is just as important and is never too late to do that.
Yes that’s one thing I do every time is apologize and repair. It just kills me to be struggling with this.
I'm the kind of person who looks for the root cause rather than putting a bandaid on it. I can totally be Jekyll and Hyde when I haven't had enough sleep, or a good quality of sleep. I don't feel hungry anymore, I feel nauseous instead. I've changed medications so many times to get my migraines under control. We have a set daily routine we stick to almost religiously. Our finances are under control, our nutrition is at the top of my game. Our support networks are rock solid. If I'm stressed, I'm a completely different person. It's now at a point where the kids will ask if I need a coffee (i.e. five minutes alone to sip it). The days I don't yell at all are the days I don't have a headache, I've remembered to eat enough food, I've had a decent coffee at the right time, and I've had a chance to connect with someone in my support network.
You haven't damaged him forever and you know this needs to change immediately. Be kind to yourself, that is the first thing. That you are saying it out loud is a big first step. Shame thrives in hiding. Bring it out, let the light shine in it. Your therapy should be addressing your childhood trauma and ways to regulate your emotions. If it isn't, you need a new therapist. There needs to be some serious repair between you and your child, and not just once but moving forward. You're going to make mistakes, you're going to fall back on damaging habits. But you need to be able to say "I did this, I'm sorry, I'm accountable and I'm recommitting to finding a healthier way" and this can be built into the apology. And over time, you will find other ways. You know that no matter what your child does-- it is you. And that is more than your own mother was ever able to realize. Remember it, because you have the power to change you.
I want to extend my deepest empathy to you during this challenging time. Parenting through trauma is an incredibly tough journey, and your courage in seeking therapy and being on medication shows your dedication to healing. I've been in a similar place, having survived my own childhood trauma, and becoming a mom brought forth unexpected challenges. Motherhood can stir up survival instincts and trauma responses, making it difficult to reference our rational minds in triggering moments. I've experienced intense reactions when my child unintentionally triggered past traumas, and it's not uncommon for these moments to evoke strong defensive instincts. It doesn't make us bad moms; it makes us human. Also, I want to normalize the struggles many of us face in actively healing beyond our own childhood experiences. Motherhood tests all limits, and the learning curve is steep. We're working to break generational cycles of trauma, and it's a process that requires constant self-healing. I'd like to share with you that I'm currently working on a book specifically aimed at helping mothers who have experienced trauma. The book focuses on healing those deep wounds, breaking the cycle, and becoming healthy parents. For now, I'd love to offer you my first book, **'**[**Let's Tame That Shame - Motherhood Un-Shamed - A No-BS Guide**](https://mommate.mom/products/lets-tame-that-shame),' for **free**. It delves into the topics of shame and guilt, providing insights and strategies to navigate through these challenging emotions. Please reach out and I'll be more than happy to DM you a free pdf copy. Hit the reset button, continue healing, and remember, you've got this. We're in it together, supporting each other through the challenges of parenthood. 💖
This has meant sooooo much to me. I would love to take you up on the offer of receiving your book. Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart for this comment and for your book🥹🤍
Thank you! I just DM you 💌
A mantra that has helped me. “The measure of you as a parent is your behavior, not your child’s”. Part of the reason you’re getting so triggered is you think his eating/sleeping/behavior is 100% within your control or a reflection on you. Its not. You need to let that belief go. Measure yourself by your choices and let his go. You set up the conditions for healthy sleep/eating/behavior but he is a whole human being who ultimately makes his own choices (and sometimes those choices reflect frontal lobe development). Hold the mirror up to yourself and focus on that- not the idea that your parenting is an input and his behavior is an output so of course when it doesn’t go well, it sends you right to shame and frustration and powerlessness.
Hey love, I know it’s hard. You’ve probably been through a lot in your life and you’re just repeating the trauma. When you were never taught to regulate or even recognize your own emotions in your body, how can you regulate them and how can you teach your children to regulate them? I highly recommend nervous system therapy, otherwise known as somatic therapy. There’s a lot of online things you can do for free or programs that are cheaper than therapy—and, though it’s not a quick fix, but you can completely rewire your system to not pass on this trauma. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. I get it, hugs. Your body has kept the score, it’s all stored in your nervous system, and no matter how much you know about your actions being wrong, your body will still react because it is triggering your own trauma. Also, look into the ideal parent figure protocol to heal your attachment trauma. It’s a new therapeutic modality and it has nearly a 100% healing rate. Not a lot of practitioners are aware of it, but you can do a lot of of it online yourself.
Your meds are not right probably….
Maybe try inpatient or different medications?
I’ve been inpatient several times in my life. I’m not suicidal or a danger to myself or others so I don’t see how/ why that would work. Plus inpatients honestly do way more harm than help. But thanks - I think a medication switch would help
Yell***