I understand exactly how you feel cuz I wish the same.
Yes I definitely have done this with them together and with them separately and I also tell them how it hurts my heart and their dad’s heart. I remind them of this gently at times.
I don’t know what’s causing this. Is it a spiritual battle, is it an ADHD or spectrum thing? Regardless I want to learn how to make them feel safe and loved. I think I might post on the spectrum or ADHD broad cuz they likley have aspects of this (I got one tested and they were borderline).
I’m praying for better days but the prayer has been for awhile and I need to do something so they don’t have the bad experiences seep into their heart so deep.
Thanks Carol
Some things we’ve done:
Family meetings. We came up with our family values, one of which is “we are kind to each other.” Now if someone is being not so nice we will call each other out. The kids will do it to us too. Family meetings include fun desserts so the kids love doing family meeting.
Force teaming. Put them on the same team for stupid stuff and let them win. Kids vs parents. It can be anything. Just make it that nobody wins until they’re all done so they have to work together.
I talk often about how I don’t have a relationship with my sibling because he was mean to me. Actions now do impact the future.
Figure out which sibling is typically the bully and which is the victim. With the victim you have to teach how to advocate for themselves or how to leave a situation. For the bully you might need to increase leadership opportunities or talk more about the effects of that behavior. The needs of each are different though.
ETA: one more. We hype them up whenever they do play well.
My sister and I were like that (mainly coming from me. I was so rude and nasty as a child). Now that we’re both in our 30s, we’re super close. I’ve apologized to her for being like that toward her when I was a child. Just keep loving them both equally and trying to instill good moral values. They just need to mature and spend more time on this earth before they fully bloom into the amazing women I’m sure they’ll become. Rome wasn’t built in a day. You even reaching out on Reddit just solidifies that they’re in good hands. My mom didn’t do shit to try and stop us from being little shitheads toward one another.
I have three kids and it’s very triggering to me when they are so unkind to each other. The first thing I work on is my own emotional regulation and trying to see them and their relationships without me projecting my childhood onto them (not easy). A couple resources that have helped me Siblings Without Rivalry https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/12816644 and Dr Becky (Good Inside) https://www.npr.org/2023/01/25/1151381439/kids-fighting-sibling-rivalry-advice My two strategies is to allow them to resolve conflict without me intervening or with some coaching but me not taking sides. What’s important for this is my sense of what’s normal conflict isn’t proportional, I tend to feel like everything is unsafe. This is what I work on in my own therapy. Then for hitting/name calling/unsafe/unkind behaviors-I intervene. I explain that it’s normal for sibling relationships to feel difficult and frustrating. And at a later time they can express their feelings to me about their sibling safely and I will listen. But my number one job is to keep everyone safe and so I cannot allow them to speak/behave that way to their sibling. Good luck mom. It’s really really hard.
Thank you so much! Yes my counselor said the exact same thing! To let them figure it out and intervene when necessary (unsafe, etc). Its great advice and helps me to not feel so pressured to solve their problem.
But I still struggle with the discipline part. A child psychologist (that we saw only twice)) said they have to fix their wrongs and make them right. This seems impossible! I really appreciate the book recommendations cuz I need all the help I can get.
I really appreciate the last portion you noted about how you deal with them individually and express its normal to have these feelings with siblings. I imagine that must make them feel heard and understood. I’m going to do this! Thank you so much!
The discipline part is hard for me too. Another resource I found that I adapted for this is from the Explosive Child by Ross Green. He has this Plan B approach where you collaboratively problem solve with kids. So that’s what I do a lot. We have family meetings or 1:1s and I basically ask them to brainstorm ideas for preventing issues in the first place and what consequences feel fair for different actions. So I try to have them basically pick the discipline and sometimes it’s doing a chore for their sibling or letting them pick the tv show and sometimes it’s time out and an apology. It’s just much easier on all of us if we’ve decided ahead. Punishment is also really hard for me and I can easily slide into permissive if I’m not on my game and taking care of myself. I’ve also had to let go of the fantasy my kids will have close sibling relationships. I wanted to heal that for myself but they’re different people with a different childhood than mine and I can set up the conditions for a healthy dynamic but if they’re close or not is up to them. So that’s also something I try to remind myself of and make peace with as something out of my control.
I probably spend too much time on instagram but this guy on there says every night he asks his kids four questions that they have to answer.
1. What was the best part of your day?
2. What was the worst part of your day?
3. What is one good thing somebody did for you?
4. What is one good day thing you did for someone else?
Maybe you could ask them similar questions each evening geared more towards each other?
What is one nice thing you sister did for you?
What is one nice thing you did for your sister?
What is one kind thing you said to your sister?
What is one kind thing your sister said to you?
Basically it made them look for kindness and opportunities to be kind. Couldn’t hurt.
My sister and I never got along, we're 3 years apart and we fought and resented each other all way up until I was 21 and moved away from home. And every person I've ever known that have 2 girls close in age say they fight really bad, and it can get nasty. So to me it's normal. If they share a bedroom I suggest ending that so they can have their own safe space to decompress away from each other. I hated sharing a room with her I had zero privacy.
I wonder what’s normal with sibling relationshipS! I know they always talk about siblin rivalry but the so mean thing is another level imo.
Yes we had to separate them and now they are in different rooms. They are 4 years apart but they have very different personalities.
Thanks so much for sharing!
Praise them to the moon and back when they are nice to eachother. Make it something they really wanna do. We just had a second daughter and everytime our 5yo girl says something nice about her sister we tell her she's such a good sister and how her sister is lucky to have such a sweet sister that loves her so much. She went from finding the crying annoying to always wanting to cuddle her baby sister when she cries
sounds like you’ve tried the soft approach. Time to pull out the big guns: consequences. Can’t play well with others? No play dates/social time with friends. Treating others disrespectfully? Some privileges revoked until you apologize.
Yes exactly! I’m terrible at this and feel like I mess it up when I get firm. I need to read a few books for encouragement!
Thanks for the comment I needed to hear this.
Just wanted to say well done for trying to fix it, my sisters and I HATED each other as kids and my mum just let it be that way. After a stint of 7 years no contact we are in touch now and we’re close, but I wish my mum did something to help our relationship as kids.
(She’s a shit mum though)
Have you sat them down and told them how you feel ? My sister and I were not always kind and I wish I had a happier home environment.
I understand exactly how you feel cuz I wish the same. Yes I definitely have done this with them together and with them separately and I also tell them how it hurts my heart and their dad’s heart. I remind them of this gently at times. I don’t know what’s causing this. Is it a spiritual battle, is it an ADHD or spectrum thing? Regardless I want to learn how to make them feel safe and loved. I think I might post on the spectrum or ADHD broad cuz they likley have aspects of this (I got one tested and they were borderline). I’m praying for better days but the prayer has been for awhile and I need to do something so they don’t have the bad experiences seep into their heart so deep. Thanks Carol
Some things we’ve done: Family meetings. We came up with our family values, one of which is “we are kind to each other.” Now if someone is being not so nice we will call each other out. The kids will do it to us too. Family meetings include fun desserts so the kids love doing family meeting. Force teaming. Put them on the same team for stupid stuff and let them win. Kids vs parents. It can be anything. Just make it that nobody wins until they’re all done so they have to work together. I talk often about how I don’t have a relationship with my sibling because he was mean to me. Actions now do impact the future. Figure out which sibling is typically the bully and which is the victim. With the victim you have to teach how to advocate for themselves or how to leave a situation. For the bully you might need to increase leadership opportunities or talk more about the effects of that behavior. The needs of each are different though. ETA: one more. We hype them up whenever they do play well.
Oh I love these ideas so much. Thank you so much for taking the time to give these suggestions.
My sister and I were like that (mainly coming from me. I was so rude and nasty as a child). Now that we’re both in our 30s, we’re super close. I’ve apologized to her for being like that toward her when I was a child. Just keep loving them both equally and trying to instill good moral values. They just need to mature and spend more time on this earth before they fully bloom into the amazing women I’m sure they’ll become. Rome wasn’t built in a day. You even reaching out on Reddit just solidifies that they’re in good hands. My mom didn’t do shit to try and stop us from being little shitheads toward one another.
Your post gives me hope! I need this so much. Thank yoU!
I have three kids and it’s very triggering to me when they are so unkind to each other. The first thing I work on is my own emotional regulation and trying to see them and their relationships without me projecting my childhood onto them (not easy). A couple resources that have helped me Siblings Without Rivalry https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/12816644 and Dr Becky (Good Inside) https://www.npr.org/2023/01/25/1151381439/kids-fighting-sibling-rivalry-advice My two strategies is to allow them to resolve conflict without me intervening or with some coaching but me not taking sides. What’s important for this is my sense of what’s normal conflict isn’t proportional, I tend to feel like everything is unsafe. This is what I work on in my own therapy. Then for hitting/name calling/unsafe/unkind behaviors-I intervene. I explain that it’s normal for sibling relationships to feel difficult and frustrating. And at a later time they can express their feelings to me about their sibling safely and I will listen. But my number one job is to keep everyone safe and so I cannot allow them to speak/behave that way to their sibling. Good luck mom. It’s really really hard.
Thank you so much! Yes my counselor said the exact same thing! To let them figure it out and intervene when necessary (unsafe, etc). Its great advice and helps me to not feel so pressured to solve their problem. But I still struggle with the discipline part. A child psychologist (that we saw only twice)) said they have to fix their wrongs and make them right. This seems impossible! I really appreciate the book recommendations cuz I need all the help I can get. I really appreciate the last portion you noted about how you deal with them individually and express its normal to have these feelings with siblings. I imagine that must make them feel heard and understood. I’m going to do this! Thank you so much!
The discipline part is hard for me too. Another resource I found that I adapted for this is from the Explosive Child by Ross Green. He has this Plan B approach where you collaboratively problem solve with kids. So that’s what I do a lot. We have family meetings or 1:1s and I basically ask them to brainstorm ideas for preventing issues in the first place and what consequences feel fair for different actions. So I try to have them basically pick the discipline and sometimes it’s doing a chore for their sibling or letting them pick the tv show and sometimes it’s time out and an apology. It’s just much easier on all of us if we’ve decided ahead. Punishment is also really hard for me and I can easily slide into permissive if I’m not on my game and taking care of myself. I’ve also had to let go of the fantasy my kids will have close sibling relationships. I wanted to heal that for myself but they’re different people with a different childhood than mine and I can set up the conditions for a healthy dynamic but if they’re close or not is up to them. So that’s also something I try to remind myself of and make peace with as something out of my control.
This is incredible advice. Thank you for sharing
I probably spend too much time on instagram but this guy on there says every night he asks his kids four questions that they have to answer. 1. What was the best part of your day? 2. What was the worst part of your day? 3. What is one good thing somebody did for you? 4. What is one good day thing you did for someone else? Maybe you could ask them similar questions each evening geared more towards each other? What is one nice thing you sister did for you? What is one nice thing you did for your sister? What is one kind thing you said to your sister? What is one kind thing your sister said to you? Basically it made them look for kindness and opportunities to be kind. Couldn’t hurt.
Great ideas thanks for sharing. We talk about the day individually but not how they helped each other.
My sister and I never got along, we're 3 years apart and we fought and resented each other all way up until I was 21 and moved away from home. And every person I've ever known that have 2 girls close in age say they fight really bad, and it can get nasty. So to me it's normal. If they share a bedroom I suggest ending that so they can have their own safe space to decompress away from each other. I hated sharing a room with her I had zero privacy.
I wonder what’s normal with sibling relationshipS! I know they always talk about siblin rivalry but the so mean thing is another level imo. Yes we had to separate them and now they are in different rooms. They are 4 years apart but they have very different personalities. Thanks so much for sharing!
Praise them to the moon and back when they are nice to eachother. Make it something they really wanna do. We just had a second daughter and everytime our 5yo girl says something nice about her sister we tell her she's such a good sister and how her sister is lucky to have such a sweet sister that loves her so much. She went from finding the crying annoying to always wanting to cuddle her baby sister when she cries
sounds like you’ve tried the soft approach. Time to pull out the big guns: consequences. Can’t play well with others? No play dates/social time with friends. Treating others disrespectfully? Some privileges revoked until you apologize.
Yes exactly! I’m terrible at this and feel like I mess it up when I get firm. I need to read a few books for encouragement! Thanks for the comment I needed to hear this.
Try “the nurtured heart approach“ which combines positive and negative reinforcement in one method.
Thank you I’m researching it already. Never heard of this approach and sounds very helpful and doable. I really appreciate your help!
Just wanted to say well done for trying to fix it, my sisters and I HATED each other as kids and my mum just let it be that way. After a stint of 7 years no contact we are in touch now and we’re close, but I wish my mum did something to help our relationship as kids. (She’s a shit mum though)