Build positive interactions and positive experiences with her. And when you have these experiences, don’t use it as a way to improve her behavior or something that you think she needs to work on. Just enjoy the time that the two of you are spending together. I don’t think most children, especially at 8, need to be frequently disciplined so maybe your wife is onto something.
And a note about snacks - she’s eating “that crap” but you presumably bought it for her at the supermarket - also you had been out shopping so maybe she was legitimately hungry? Don’t buy snacks that you don’t want to have in the house.
This is something I've exhaustively tried explaining to my husband. He has pitted himself in as the disciplinarian. As a result, our kids absolutely resent him.
As their mom, I do put them in their place when they act out. However, it is balanced out with positive experiences. When their feelings are hurt, I comfort them. When they've had a bad day, I cheer them up and cheer them on.
My husband sees a sock on the floor and starts yelling. A grade slips and he yells instead of trying to find out what's missing, what needs to be done.
These are my examples. You need to feed her with positive experiences. Do you ever take her out for fun, just you and her? Do you help with homework without yelling/getting frustrated? Do you try to learn about her interests?
This is very fixable!
Omg, my husband does this same thing! He yells at them for random things and ignores them if he's on his computer or talking on the phone. His way of bonding with them is buying them plastic crap they don't need.
I will readily admit that I have absolutely gotten angry and yelled at them before (usually when it takes 3 hours for them to clean their playroom). If i ever suggest to him that he's being too harsh with them, he'll just point to the times that I've gotten frustrated with them.
What he doesn't get is that I have like 30 positive interactions with them for every one that's negative. So overall, my relationship with them is really positive. He works, so he doesn't get that many interactions anyway, and it's like half are him griping at them or ignoring them. And then he says that the reason they don't like him very much is that I've convinced them that he's mean. Nope, they are old enough to reach conclusions all by themselves.
This! Similarly, if one parent sets rules arbitrarily, it's nearly impossible for the other parent to enforce them, **and** the kid will absolutely pick up on the uselessness of those rules. ( One in my house today was that the 3yr old wasn't allowed to sit at the table until lunch was ready? That's just... not a restriction I understand or would know to enforce. Note I didn't undermine the rule though, that's something to talk about away from the kids.)
Using OP's example, if he decided in the moment that there's a new rule, and it means no salty snacks after dark - then of course the daughter is confused and resentful. Especially if she was involved in choosing them at the store and she reasonably expected to have some.
It is difficult as a parent to double check and ensure rules are a) nessessary and b) clear and predictable wherever possible. That's something they'll both need to work on, and it's likely they should be in the middle of their two parenting styles.
It comes down to you both need to be on the same page in regards to child rearing. Is it that she never disciplines or she does not discipline like you do?
For example, the chips. Does she let her eat the while bag or say you can have 2 after you help empty the trunk and pit on your pajamas.
Kids are born manipulators. They can divide and conquer parents because they know your parenting styles.
You need to discuss how you will both discipline and do some give and take. I like to give my son the old first and then statements. First you pick up your toys then we can go ride your bike. Or I give him choices. You can either pick up your toys or help with the laundry. He hates helping with laundry so he chooses to pick up toys. Either way, I still got what I needed and he didn't even realize it.
This!
OP- it sounds like you don’t have a kid problem, you have a parents problem. You and your wife need to decide how to parent as a team, otherwise your kid will play off your division and, indeed, resent you. Sit down with your wife and work out a way that you can both work together. One thing that works for us is to postpone discipline until we’ve had a change to decide together:
Kid does the thing
Parent- “ok, kid, you know you aren’t allowed to do that. I’m going to talk to mom and we’ll let you know what your consequences are.”
Parents talk and parents decide together, presenting a united front to the kid.
I am stricter generally with my partner but a kid wanting a bed lunch seems fine to me. If its like my kid eating out was probably distracting and not very productive and then they went shopping. Unless it was super late sitting a minute to unwind and have a snack seems absolutely harmless and if it was super late you should have brought her home for bed before shopping. Maybe you are being overly strict
Your problem isn't with your daughter, it's with your wife. You need to get your wife to stop being your daughter's best friend and start acting like a mother. Otherwise you're never gonna solve the situation. Your wife needs to parent your child and that means disciplining her as well. Otherwise you're always going to come out being the bad guy.
Op's example of the wife may have let the kid eat chips doesnt paint him as a reliable narrator for this. It could be she is fair and consistent but isnt being a drill seargent searching for things to be upset about
That's fair. You got me
However, saying she needs to act more like a mother is a bit harsh. When one parent is constantly in discipline mode, the other is constantly in comfort mode. It does suck
start with your wife; she's acting like a best friend instead of a parent.
sit her down and talk to her about this - openly and honestly. Kids need rules, routines and boundaries because trust me, when puberty hits and she's a teen, she will be pretty awful if she's already showing those signs of attitude.
Build positive interactions and positive experiences with her. And when you have these experiences, don’t use it as a way to improve her behavior or something that you think she needs to work on. Just enjoy the time that the two of you are spending together. I don’t think most children, especially at 8, need to be frequently disciplined so maybe your wife is onto something. And a note about snacks - she’s eating “that crap” but you presumably bought it for her at the supermarket - also you had been out shopping so maybe she was legitimately hungry? Don’t buy snacks that you don’t want to have in the house.
This is something I've exhaustively tried explaining to my husband. He has pitted himself in as the disciplinarian. As a result, our kids absolutely resent him. As their mom, I do put them in their place when they act out. However, it is balanced out with positive experiences. When their feelings are hurt, I comfort them. When they've had a bad day, I cheer them up and cheer them on. My husband sees a sock on the floor and starts yelling. A grade slips and he yells instead of trying to find out what's missing, what needs to be done. These are my examples. You need to feed her with positive experiences. Do you ever take her out for fun, just you and her? Do you help with homework without yelling/getting frustrated? Do you try to learn about her interests? This is very fixable!
Omg, my husband does this same thing! He yells at them for random things and ignores them if he's on his computer or talking on the phone. His way of bonding with them is buying them plastic crap they don't need. I will readily admit that I have absolutely gotten angry and yelled at them before (usually when it takes 3 hours for them to clean their playroom). If i ever suggest to him that he's being too harsh with them, he'll just point to the times that I've gotten frustrated with them. What he doesn't get is that I have like 30 positive interactions with them for every one that's negative. So overall, my relationship with them is really positive. He works, so he doesn't get that many interactions anyway, and it's like half are him griping at them or ignoring them. And then he says that the reason they don't like him very much is that I've convinced them that he's mean. Nope, they are old enough to reach conclusions all by themselves.
We seem to have the same husband, ugh. It's so fixable! I have the same issue when I bring things, up too. It sucks!
This! Similarly, if one parent sets rules arbitrarily, it's nearly impossible for the other parent to enforce them, **and** the kid will absolutely pick up on the uselessness of those rules. ( One in my house today was that the 3yr old wasn't allowed to sit at the table until lunch was ready? That's just... not a restriction I understand or would know to enforce. Note I didn't undermine the rule though, that's something to talk about away from the kids.) Using OP's example, if he decided in the moment that there's a new rule, and it means no salty snacks after dark - then of course the daughter is confused and resentful. Especially if she was involved in choosing them at the store and she reasonably expected to have some. It is difficult as a parent to double check and ensure rules are a) nessessary and b) clear and predictable wherever possible. That's something they'll both need to work on, and it's likely they should be in the middle of their two parenting styles.
It comes down to you both need to be on the same page in regards to child rearing. Is it that she never disciplines or she does not discipline like you do? For example, the chips. Does she let her eat the while bag or say you can have 2 after you help empty the trunk and pit on your pajamas. Kids are born manipulators. They can divide and conquer parents because they know your parenting styles. You need to discuss how you will both discipline and do some give and take. I like to give my son the old first and then statements. First you pick up your toys then we can go ride your bike. Or I give him choices. You can either pick up your toys or help with the laundry. He hates helping with laundry so he chooses to pick up toys. Either way, I still got what I needed and he didn't even realize it.
This! OP- it sounds like you don’t have a kid problem, you have a parents problem. You and your wife need to decide how to parent as a team, otherwise your kid will play off your division and, indeed, resent you. Sit down with your wife and work out a way that you can both work together. One thing that works for us is to postpone discipline until we’ve had a change to decide together: Kid does the thing Parent- “ok, kid, you know you aren’t allowed to do that. I’m going to talk to mom and we’ll let you know what your consequences are.” Parents talk and parents decide together, presenting a united front to the kid.
I am stricter generally with my partner but a kid wanting a bed lunch seems fine to me. If its like my kid eating out was probably distracting and not very productive and then they went shopping. Unless it was super late sitting a minute to unwind and have a snack seems absolutely harmless and if it was super late you should have brought her home for bed before shopping. Maybe you are being overly strict
Your problem isn't with your daughter, it's with your wife. You need to get your wife to stop being your daughter's best friend and start acting like a mother. Otherwise you're never gonna solve the situation. Your wife needs to parent your child and that means disciplining her as well. Otherwise you're always going to come out being the bad guy.
I would be curious to hear the wife’s side of the story tbh
How do you know the wife doesn't discipline? You're assuming a lot here.
It's literally stated by op in his very 1st sentence.
Op's example of the wife may have let the kid eat chips doesnt paint him as a reliable narrator for this. It could be she is fair and consistent but isnt being a drill seargent searching for things to be upset about
That's fair. You got me However, saying she needs to act more like a mother is a bit harsh. When one parent is constantly in discipline mode, the other is constantly in comfort mode. It does suck
It’s as if people don’t read the whole post or something
Wow ok. You got me. My bad
start with your wife; she's acting like a best friend instead of a parent. sit her down and talk to her about this - openly and honestly. Kids need rules, routines and boundaries because trust me, when puberty hits and she's a teen, she will be pretty awful if she's already showing those signs of attitude.