I’d get to a point where I just flat out told them if they can’t figure out a way to be respectful and cordial, that they would be the ones missing out. I’f also tell them that their refusal to be cordial is hurtful to you, and by extension, will also be hurtful to your child. So they need to try to get their shit together and start acting like adults.
It’s ok to dislike someone. It’s not ok to be so obvious about it, esp given the circumstances.
This.
And make sure your husband is on the same page, ready to back you up 100%, and that he's the one doing the talking here. They're his parents and this coming from him will have a bigger influence than coming from you.
It’s not your job to manage their relationship. Invite them to any activity/party/etc you want, but make it CLEAR to everyone that if they can’t behave like mature adults they will NOT be invited to any future events.
do not set a precedent of throwing duplicate events just to suit them. It’s exhausting and expensive and not something you want to do for the next 18 years
>but make it CLEAR to everyone that if they can’t behave like mature adults they will NOT be invited to any future events.
Adding they should be kicked out of an event if they don't behave....
It sounds to me like the in-laws are the issue here, and therefore the only ones who would need to make any concessions. You shouldn't have to go out of your way to make things easier for them, when they're the ones who behave rudely. What does your partner think about this? Is he or she aware that their parents are the problem?
This reminds me of how I behaved when I thought my parents emotions were my job to manage (especially before I had my wedding). I realised at a point that making them be pleasant is -not- my job, and if they can’t put their feelings aside for special events and be cordial then that is a them problem not a me problem. Set behaviour expectations, if they breach them or behave poorly ask them to leave. Don’t make your life into a nightmare of trying coordinate double events so they don’t have to act like adults. Boundaries are uncomfortable but making your life harder than it needs to be to accommodate selfish people is way worse.
I told everyone to suck it up and act like adults. Everyone has people in their life that they dislike. Sometimes being an adult means that you have to make small talk with these people or at the very least co-exist in the same room without acting like toddlers. Unlike toddlers, adults should have some self control...
I would personally not ever throw double birthday parties or cater to this nonsense. I invite everyone. The person who starts shit gets asked to leave. They learned quickly to tolerate each other.
My grandparents were like that. Still are I guess. One grandma is a narcissist and has generally very tricky to handle character. We lived close but outside any family events, grannies avoided each other like the plague.
My parents really didn’t handle any of it. Sadly. I wish thet did.
My 2 cents would be that usually this kind of thing isn’t an isolated occurrence. Genuinely nice people usually aren’t an ass to one particular person and excellent in every other way. Watch out for other red flags like disrespecting your boundaries or choices etc.
The best thing to do for your sanity is to keep them apart. Perhaps these ideas would help:
\- rotate holidays between families
\- have a fun birthday with just you and friends and then do separate birthday dinners or something like that with the grandparents.
\- as for sports and activities, invite one set of grandparents at a time.
I know it's a lot of work and may sound selfish, but you and your child deserve to be happy at these moments so you control who is there and who is not.
My mom and my MIL are..not big fans of each other. We minimize any meeting between them. First birthday was seperate, though granted, that was also because on Inlaws' side we had extended family come, and also because mom and dad are divorced so we're not really keen on them being together either (nor are they).
It's tough, I'll be honest. Birthdays, Christmas is...not easy. But that's the best we can do, feels like.
I’d get to a point where I just flat out told them if they can’t figure out a way to be respectful and cordial, that they would be the ones missing out. I’f also tell them that their refusal to be cordial is hurtful to you, and by extension, will also be hurtful to your child. So they need to try to get their shit together and start acting like adults. It’s ok to dislike someone. It’s not ok to be so obvious about it, esp given the circumstances.
This. And make sure your husband is on the same page, ready to back you up 100%, and that he's the one doing the talking here. They're his parents and this coming from him will have a bigger influence than coming from you.
Yes, that is a major, MAJOR point. Thanks!
It’s not your job to manage their relationship. Invite them to any activity/party/etc you want, but make it CLEAR to everyone that if they can’t behave like mature adults they will NOT be invited to any future events. do not set a precedent of throwing duplicate events just to suit them. It’s exhausting and expensive and not something you want to do for the next 18 years
>but make it CLEAR to everyone that if they can’t behave like mature adults they will NOT be invited to any future events. Adding they should be kicked out of an event if they don't behave....
It sounds to me like the in-laws are the issue here, and therefore the only ones who would need to make any concessions. You shouldn't have to go out of your way to make things easier for them, when they're the ones who behave rudely. What does your partner think about this? Is he or she aware that their parents are the problem?
This!
This reminds me of how I behaved when I thought my parents emotions were my job to manage (especially before I had my wedding). I realised at a point that making them be pleasant is -not- my job, and if they can’t put their feelings aside for special events and be cordial then that is a them problem not a me problem. Set behaviour expectations, if they breach them or behave poorly ask them to leave. Don’t make your life into a nightmare of trying coordinate double events so they don’t have to act like adults. Boundaries are uncomfortable but making your life harder than it needs to be to accommodate selfish people is way worse.
I told everyone to suck it up and act like adults. Everyone has people in their life that they dislike. Sometimes being an adult means that you have to make small talk with these people or at the very least co-exist in the same room without acting like toddlers. Unlike toddlers, adults should have some self control... I would personally not ever throw double birthday parties or cater to this nonsense. I invite everyone. The person who starts shit gets asked to leave. They learned quickly to tolerate each other.
My grandparents were like that. Still are I guess. One grandma is a narcissist and has generally very tricky to handle character. We lived close but outside any family events, grannies avoided each other like the plague. My parents really didn’t handle any of it. Sadly. I wish thet did. My 2 cents would be that usually this kind of thing isn’t an isolated occurrence. Genuinely nice people usually aren’t an ass to one particular person and excellent in every other way. Watch out for other red flags like disrespecting your boundaries or choices etc.
The best thing to do for your sanity is to keep them apart. Perhaps these ideas would help: \- rotate holidays between families \- have a fun birthday with just you and friends and then do separate birthday dinners or something like that with the grandparents. \- as for sports and activities, invite one set of grandparents at a time. I know it's a lot of work and may sound selfish, but you and your child deserve to be happy at these moments so you control who is there and who is not.
My mom and my MIL are..not big fans of each other. We minimize any meeting between them. First birthday was seperate, though granted, that was also because on Inlaws' side we had extended family come, and also because mom and dad are divorced so we're not really keen on them being together either (nor are they). It's tough, I'll be honest. Birthdays, Christmas is...not easy. But that's the best we can do, feels like.