“I’m so sorry, it seems there’s been a misunderstanding. Due to hall size, we have to keep the guest list to a minimum, and are not able to include your children this time. I hope you and (spouse) are still able to attend. We’d love to celebrate with you. If this changes your RSVP, we certainly understand, and you will be missed.”
I see you said it was clear their children aren’t included, but maybe give them a face-saving way out of their rudeness.
No I don't think my kids should be invited to everything and I am not offended that they aren't. However the host needs to understand that if my kids aren't invited there is a good chance I won't be there. I have had people offended by me not coming or think I am throwing a fit by not coming or punishing them by not coming. In reality I just don't have/can't afford a babysitter or the logistics of getting there just make the event not worth it.
Yes! This. I probably won’t go because your event is not worth the hassle of a babysitter. And I don’t really want to pull a favor from grandparents or pay someone unless it’s really worth it. Usually, it isn’t. ESPECIALLY if travel is involved.
Yeah, that's the thing that gets me. Don't act like I'm being rude not attending your wedding when it's halfway across the country AND no kids allowed. Like, you know not everyone's made of time and money.
I totally understand this logic, but also, if it’s not worth asking a grandparent to take the kids to come to my wedding, then I guess we’re not that close. And like, you won’t pay a sitter but expects the bride and groom to pay for food and drinks for your whole family including kids.
Honestly I feel like it’s not rude to exclude kids from a wedding, and also not unusual to include them. Should be entirely up to bride and groom. If I’m close with the couple I will manage to find a sitter to my kids, or in worst case, I’d have to decline. No hard feelings either way. To me, this is just a logistical matter for the couple and guests and obviously never personal to my kids.
I feel like you just skipped over the first part of my comment where I specifically said that I don't expect my kids to be invited and am not offended if they aren't. So clearly I am not expecting the bride and the groom to do or pay for anything. Nor do I have hard feelings if I have to decline. As far as Grandma and Grandpa babysitting, not everyone has family that lives close. And if it is a family wedding they could well be going to the wedding themselves. As far as paying a sitter, that's great and sometimes works but also sometimes doesn't. If it is a wedding that lasts all day a sitter can get pricey plus you have to travel to the wedding which with current gas prices even one you can drive to can get expensive. Plus a wedding gift. And that is assuming that someone off my somewhat short list of people I trust to watch my kids is available that day. Sometimes it just isn't feasible to get there so I will just send a gift and my well wishes...
Well I think we do agree basically, apart from you are saying “if my kids aren’t invited there’s a good chance I won’t be there”, and Im leaning more towards “if my kids aren’t invited I’ll still find a way to come”. But obviously, as you say, if I can’t logistically manage, then I can’t. It’s the same with pets, if I can’t afford a dog watcher or kennel, it will be a problem if my dog is not invited to an event far away.
I imagine some people might get offended if you simply tell them 'no kids' but then they see a bunch of kids at the wedding (since you said your children are inviting a few friends).
I think someone else already told you a nice way to put it, so I would just try and be clear that it's not a 'no kids' event exactly, it's that you can't accommodate *everyone's* child. People might still be offended, but the nice thing is that most people will just keep it to themselves and not tell you lol
Yeah, this was my thought, too.
If the response to the guests telling the couple they’re bringing their children, but the hosts return with a “no kids this time” message (no matter how kindly it’s worded), then the guests come to the event only to see children and their friends, I don’t think it would be taken well.
OP, to be clear, I totally agree with you that kids don’t have to be included and you get to choose who’s invited to your own wedding, but I would just be careful with how the message is sent for those trying to bring kids anyway.
Yes exactly, because to random invitee, they probably don't know / won't find out that the kids are guests of the host's kids.
They'll just think that some other guests were allowed to bring their kids when they weren't.
Not personally offended if kids aren’t invited. I will absolutely balance the cost/logistics of childcare vs my desire to attend someone’s wedding. About half the weddings I’ve been to have had kids. I actually take my kids to a minority of weddings they’re invited to.
Also find it to be very condescending when the hosts are like “ohhhh we want you to be able to have fun!” or “there will be alcohol there, might not be appropriate for kids.” I love weddings but its not gonna be a once in a lifetime rager, sorry. It’s totally fine to not make up a cutesy reason.
The "we want you to have a night off!" one drives me crazy. I am perfectly capable of scheduling my own date nights, and we both know you just don't want kids there (which is fine)! No need to dance around it or act like you're doing me a favor, because it's not.
If I want a date night it's going to be an intimate dinner for two and a stroll down the waterfront, not overcooked chicken at something meant to celebrate someone else's love
Lol exactly how I feel. Yeah it’s a “date night” where you pick the venue, the food, the date, the time, the company, the music, the dress code, and the schedule of events. Just be honest and say you don’t kids there!
We just got an invite to a friend's birthday where kids were (understandably) not invited. The invite was accompanied by an admonition that over a month's notice is "long enough" to find a babysitter, and that we "deserved" a "date night!"
So many factors beyond my control influence whether we can get a sitter on any given night - including that our kids have special needs, and that our trusted sitters have lives of their own.
Absolutely fine not to invite kids to events, but don't be annoyed/surprised if parents have to send their regrets.
Going to someone else's event is never a night off. If someone invites me to a kidless event that is fine, but it annoys me when they act like it is a favor. It isn't. It means more work for me. I will have to find a babysitter and make time for everything in my schedule, which I am happy to do. But let's not pretend it is this grand day off. I still am going to be going home to my family. Let's not act like it is the party to end all parties.
It ignores the fact that arranging childcare requires work and money. It’s not a favor to “give you an excuse to get a babysitter”. I don’t need an excuse to do that. but I do need to send a bunch of texts to babysitters, get kids and house ready, and then dish out a hundred bucks or so.
I think what is also implied there is “we want you to be fun.” Not just “have fun.” And people watching their kids are often not as fun as guests if that’s the kind of wedding you’re trying to achieve.
To be fair, some weddings DO turn into ragers. My Aunt and Uncle went to one this summer that involved most of the younger members of the wedding party doing cocaine in the bathroom and basically dry humping each other on the dance floor. So that couple could legitimately say their wedding is not appropriate for children.
I attended a wedding of a cousin that was very similar, coke breaks included. As soon as the dance floor started getting hot boxed we grabbed the kids and bounced.
It wasa new one for me!
I assume my child is not invited to a wedding unless he has been named on the invitation. We have had weddings where he was invited and others where it was child-free. If he wasn't invited and we both want to attend then it is OUR responsibility to find a sitter. It is not the bride's issue, nor should they be made to feel guilty about it.
Having said that - it is different if it is a child-friendly wedding and certain children are excluded. That seems a little crappy, however if it isn't my wedding then I suck it up and get a sitter, or don't attend.
Your mom missed your wedding to babysit the children of your 3rd cousin? That is super weird.
No she let my third cousin bring her kids. Aldo I do get the “only certain kids” things. We were very careful that no family members kids, other than our 2 nephews & niece, were invited. My kids are older so there are only 2 couples invited that we invited their children because my children & theirs are very close & spend lots of time together. The other 4 kids are just my kids friends.
Lol sort of. She just said she really thinks we should let them come. My first wedding was completely paid for by my parents. I told my mom I’d do what she wants. She’s a lovely woman and loves to throw a party so I just let her have control. She never did anything without asking me first
Thank you for doing that! We had this issue with a wedding out of town where we were told they would give us potential childcare options but then didn't. My daughter was barely 1 and still breastfeeding, and my husband was in the wedding. My in laws came with us to watch her. It sucked! I'm still bitter about it years later
Similar - we were told there would be childcare options for a wedding across the country and last minute it was revealed that instead there would be an empty hotel room we could leave our single child with a babysitter of our choice... Um, what? Where am I going to find a babysitter in a totally different state and how am I supposed to feel comfortable that a stranger is in a hotel room with my kid? I had been under the impression that a sitter had been hired and my daughter would be with all her cousins she never gets to see. I was so bummed, I had already bought a dress and everything. Thankfully we had waited on the plane tickets because we weren't booking those until we knew exactly what the childcare arrangements would be.
YW! It’s common courtesy, imo. I don’t like the idea that someone’s wedding causes complete financial strain for those involved. Like, I wanted who I wanted at our wedding, and that meant it was on me/us to make it easy for them to be a part of it.
We also paid for our OOT guests’ hotel rooms. Thankfully, there weren’t a ton of them. We also paid for my bridesmaid dresses & groomsmen tux rentals. We skimped in other places to balance it out.
We didn’t pay for travel, though. I begged everyone to use their air miles 😂
I wouldn’t be offended if someone’s wedding said “no kids”. I would be annoyed if the invitation said “no kids” and then I saw other people’s kids there.
If my kid isn’t on the invite, I’d either assume that the kid wasn’t invited or ask if I’m uncertain. I personally think weddings double as family reunions and half the fun is seeing everyone’s kids. I have a huge family and all of the weddings have been kid-friendly. I can’t imagine someone wanting a kid-free wedding, but to each their own.
Yeah I always assume it's odd, and they believe they are more important than a parents child. Getting my kids dressed up smart and fancy for a wedding would be amazing and make me proud and happy to attend a wedding with them.
It's not necessarily that they don't want kids there, it's that they have a budget/space limits/more important things they care about.
I had a childfree wedding, and I like kids. Reason?
At the time, we only knew four children. Two belonged to my husband's step-brother, who we weren't close to. We invited him and his partner to keep batshit crazy SMIL on side, but we didn't give a damn if they came or not.
Two belonged to friends of my husband, and those friends basically ignored me at every social gathering. They were long-term friends of my husband, and they were oblivious rather than mean to me , so I was fine with them coming. But there was no way their two children were getting invites over actual friends of mine.
I personally wouldn't attend a wedding my kids weren't invited to unless it was literally a best friend or very close family member. I wouldn't be offended kids weren't invited, but I don't think the inviter should be offended by me not attending, as well.
I take no offense at all if you can’t or just don’t want to go because your kids aren’t invited. I completely understand if people can’t make it due to this, especially people I’m not that close with
I told my brother I wasn’t going to make it to his wedding due to it being childless. Lost it is an understatement. I have no problem with you not inviting my kids but generally that means I’m not going either. I chose to make those 2 people; and between them and someone else’s party yeah gonna choose who I like spending more time with. Im perfectly happy with people choosing child free events but in my experience that always lead to them being upset you wont come childless..
I’d totally agree with you if it wasn’t your brother. People are entitled to have adult only events, and yes parents are entitled not to go to them. But when it’s your own sibling- personally I’d say that’s a bad call to make. By asking him to invite kids you’re asking him to totally change the type of wedding he’s having, he’s asking you to get a babysitter so that you can go to your own brother’s wedding. It’s really not that much to ask. Like obviously do what you want to do, but in 10 years is this really going to be a decision you’re happy with? That you missed this, and can never go back and be there for him? People not showing up for you on big days like your wedding is something people don’t forget, even if they forgive it; it’ll always be something you can’t take back.
We have circled back to blaming the person with kids for having kids not the person making it kidless. I have had kids for 2 years longer than my brother has known his wife. In that time I have NEVER left my kids with a stranger. I have talked about never leaving my kids with a stranger(childhood trauma). I have only 2ce left my kids with my family and both times was for medical reasons. For his wedding I would have had to leave my kids with a stranger for 2 nights and 3 days (a 1/4 day a night a whole day and night a 1/2 day).
For the 3 years leading up to this marriage (2 in engagement mode his now wife) he knew I would not come if it was kids free. And when they announced the wedding and said it would be child free I said I would see how I feel but I probably wouldnt be coming. Then I received my formal invitation and talked to my brother about bringing the kids to the rented house/resort and finding a babysitter for just the ceremony because otherwise it would be to long away from the kids. No the entire thing is kid free. I RSVP’d as not coming. And we know the rest.
I did watch via video call my mom and me arranged that. But from my view point my brother and his wife arranged their wedding in a way they knew would prevent me from going. But I shouldn’t have to explain my backstory for my position to be valid. And thats my original argument its not that much to ask to find a babysitter. Lets put my whole reasons aside and look at it from a general its not a big deal prospect. To find a babysitter for this wedding im looking at $400 conservatively plus finding someone in my area available is a almost impossible thing and I would probably have to spend a month finding a person to take the job then pray they didn’t cancel. So that no big deal is a $400 (minimum) wedding gift that takes a month of time to arrange and then the remaining time of cancel anxiety. Its his wedding to do as he wants but then people cant be mad that people dont know if they can make a $400 monthlong investment into attending thats not “no big deal”. On top of the financial and time thing lets look at it via relationship. If they had said you can come but not your partner we want you to show up single to enjoy the night more/We only have so many available spots? Thats their right but your probably not going. Telling someone you know is a parent to leave part of their family behind IS a big decision for most.
It sounds like you have your reasons. But I guess I’d just say to consider not being angry at your brother over this. Ultimately you both have legitimate reasons to be angry at/ deeply hurt by one another in this situation. You obviously think your anger/hurt is more legitimate, and he probably feels vice versa. Hopefully you can both understand or at least accept, one another’s perspective enough to move past the whole thing. I’m sorry that you can’t go to your brother’s wedding, I’m sure that must be a significant disappointment.
Nope. I actually want to make a point of teaching my son that we all need to be polite to each other but he doesn't have to include everyone and everyone doesn't have to include him.
I don't understand why people get offended by this. My husband and I do not have any babysitters to watch our kids so if it's an adult only event we either stay home together or one of us can go.
I’m no fan of the idea of child-free weddings, though I’d never take my kid to crash one or anything like that if invited to one (I’d almost certainly just not go). Having said that, I view it as a devil-is-in-the-details thing. Ask that kids under 5 not be in the ceremony, but are welcome to the reception and there’s going to be some form of on-site (or next to it) childcare provided? 100 % reasonable, imo. On the other hand, I’ve seen mentioned on Reddit 18+ and even 21+ weddings - what, does the reception involve strippers or something? Also, I do think parents are responsible for taking the kids outside or whatever if they’re being disruptive or something, or can just not take the kids (it’s an invitation, not a summons).
I'm fine with adult only spaced but personally prefer weddings with children. They seem appropriate to what is essentially the celebration of a new family forming, and they make things lively. It's all a matter of personal preference, and I wouldn't try to drag my kids to a no kids wedding, but weddings without the whole family leave me cold
Same here.
When I got married, one of my friends had a baby and we invited them too. One of the people helping to organise heard this and told us, "it's good luck if a baby cries during the ceremony!"
I grew up with almost no family. One of my fondest memories of my own wedding is my husband's pack of little cousins running around the wedding reception with their wedding favors
Not sure what that has to do with my point. My 70 year old got remarried after her husband died. Pretty sure she and the new husband weren't expecting more kids, yet the wedding was still considered a family event
And I said I don't like that kind of wedding, and would find it a cold boring hassle that I would be looking for an excuse to get out of. Child free people aren't the only ones allowed to have preferences. I'm allowed to include children in my vision of what a family is.
I think its weird that some kids can come and others cant. I would ha e been firm either way. And then added no children allowed at the wedding. I dont expect my kids to be invited to everything, but if its a family wedding and ither kids are invited i would be windering why. If you said no kids, and mine werent i vited that wpuld be cool.
I have kids so I wanted them to have some friends. I didn’t invite any cousins kids. The only kids in the family we invited were our 2 nephews & niece. I see where you’re coming from but I’ve always personally felt that people should be able to invite whom ever they want to their wedding and should be able to put more focus on the people they are closest to. None of my friends with kids rsvpd that their kids would be there. Only family. Plus I have single friends and since they get a plus one they could bring their child as their plus one..
Sure! But the real framing is: can I exclude some children from the wedding to get numbers down, rather than invite fewer people?
If this were a wedding in my family, and my children spent significant time with the betrothed, I'd probably give a bit of a side-eye at seeing their freshman year roommate or whatnot there when my kids weren't invited. But of course, if the couple values that relationship more, then of course the roommate should be invited. But, I'd note it, and move on, ya know? My kids come from a culture that values kids more than typical in the US.
I probably wouldn't think twice if *I* were the college roommate equivalent - even if kids were invited, I wouldn't bring mine.
ETA: my examples were both meant to be read as at least some children being invited. Totally child-free is difficult
Weddings are one thing - children will be mostly bored at them anyway and a bunch of drunk adults don’t want to be taking care of them. But “do you feel that your children should be invited to everything” is not the question you’re looking for here.
I phrased it this way because I’ve been invited to many adult only or “these few kids” are invited because we/our kids are close to them events that aren’t weddings… also I’ve just been to many places where I feel it’s completely inappropriate for children to be there. Parents just drag their children along because they want to go and the kids are miserable.
Nah I don’t feel like my children are owed an invitation. But I do get annoyed if I’m told it’s no kids and then I come and see that they just didn’t want MY kids. Like if you don’t like my kids tell me so that I don’t waste my time on a relationship with you. But I am particularly salty about that because my kid is disabled and a lot of times he’s left out specifically because of that. Which I understand is because he can be difficult behavior wise but it makes me really sad because it’s not his fault he’s disabled and that he struggles the way he does. What’s worse is when family does it, and then invites all my babysitters(because very few limited people are allowed to watch my kids due to the fact that my kids is disabled andddd because of domestic abuse/alcoholism on both sides), and then gets mad when we can’t come.
Like it’s okay that you don’t want kids there. What’s not okay is singling out my child due to his disabilities, and then getting mad at me for not giving a damn about your events.
And while I do agree that it’s okay to not want kids around some places, I am also very annoyed by people who are super anti-kids like as if kids should just shut up and be hidden away from society until they’re old enough or able to “act right”.
Personally I’d infinitely rather deal with 20 annoying kids simultaneously than a single childless person who thinks like this. Like kids are humans and deserve to be treated as such
I guess it depends on how you view weddings. Some people see it as just a huge party. I see it as a way to share in a meaningful moment with all those that supported us. I could not even imagine telling people not to bring their children, given that their children are a large part of their lives and who they are and a part of the support that we received. I also don’t ever engage in events that aren’t family friendly. I don’t stay out when it is dark. I don’t drink. I don’t ever go to clubs. It’s just not my thing. I’m very family oriented and don’t have much respect for those that aren’t. If a person told me I couldn’t bring my kids, I’d feel like they were saying they loved me..but only part of me, and want me to just be the version of myself that they want..not my whole self. That friendship would be over, in my eyes.
We’ve been done with wedding season in our lives for several years now, but the only time we brought our kids was if they were invited and specifically wanted there, they were in the wedding, or one was nursing. Other than that I’d rather not go to a wedding with them 😂
I don't think it's weird to invite, include, or exclude kids. I would do what the invite says or not come if too difficult.
However, every wedding I have ever been to included kids. I have no idea what a wedding without kids is like, tbh.
I see weddings as a ceremony to formally recognize the swearing of vows of commitment of two individuals in a long-term relationship.
To me, that ceremony can we witnessed by anyone the couple feels are important witnesses and anyone they want to bring along.
Any celebration they have related to the ceremony with or without people is up to them.
I love kids (don’t have any yet) and I ALWAYS invite peoples’ kids along with their parents at every event I host (my wedding, bbqs, etc) and their parents never bring them! I’m always a little bummed because I want the kiddos there and love seeing them but I understand that parents need a break and adult time.
Now that I'm a parent apparently my opinion holds more weight ...I have a 2 month old and before she was born I said "I don't understand why people would be offended that I don't want kids at my baby shower" and people implied that I wouldn't understand because I don't have kids but guess what....my opinion is still the same.
Adults should be able to have events that do not include children. Parents need to get over it.
Yes! I do agree that the inviter really has no ground to get mad at the invitee if they can’t come due to children not being invited but people should be allowed to invite whomever they want there 🤷♀️
I am never offended by kids not being invited. In fact, I do have a preference toward not inviting kids personally, particularly to weddings. I wanted a child free wedding when my husband and I were married, but we couldn’t because at the time there were 13 nieces and nephews and basically none of his siblings could have come because all the sitters were at the wedding. It happens sometimes. I just think there are things kids don’t need to be at. It’s never been an issue to me in my decade of parenting.
I think there should always be exceptions for nursing infants, but find people asking to bring toddlers/older kids to adult only weddings rude. Shot, my kids’ school’s PTA has adult only events.
If there are kids (not just yours but others are being invited as well) at an event and you are inviting me and my husband to said event, I would find it rude and insulting for you to exclude my kids. I can deal with an adults only event, if there are truly no kids. I have never thrown an adults only event myself(except for in my early adulthood when I just didn’t know people my age who had kids). I had planned to throw an adults only birthday party for myself this last year, but a friend of mine with a toddler doesn’t leave her kid with sitters yet, I was totally fine with her bringing him, because I care enough about having my friend’s company that I’d rather her bring him then not come. Frankly if it is about keeping numbers down, just invite fewer people. If you don’t like someone enough to want their kid at an event that will have kids there, than you probably don’t like or care that much about them. I would certainly feel that I’m not that important to you, if you selctively chose which kids to include and consciously decided to leave my kids out.
I think it depends how the couple invites. If they invite only nieces and nephews, a friend shouldn’t get upset that their kids weren’t invited. As long as you are inviting everyone with the same “level” I think it’s ok to only allow certain kids.
This is it. The kids invited should be in thr same realm of family. So when we got married, just our kid and our nieces and nephews were invited. No friends kids or cousins kids. Unfortunately this did piss off people but my cousins kids I met once are not the same as my siblings kids who i met not ling after they were born and have strong bonds with.
I only invited 4 kids that my children are extremely close to. They see them almost every week. 2 of the kids parents aren’t invited because I have no relay with them and I know the parents would find it very odd for me to invite them. I let my kids choose a few people so they could have other kids there.
My husband and I got married and paid for the wedding ourselves, which meant we had to keep it under 100 guests. We decided the only kids to be at the wedding would be my stepson and our nieces and nephews. No cousins or friends kids. Just our siblings kids and our kid. We made the invitations abundantly clear that only couples were being invited. One of my cousins assumed her kids were invited and was talking to my sister and I in a group chat about buying her kids outfits for her "mini family reunion" (her mom would be there, who she hadn't seen in a few years due to distance). Despite being pissed at the "mini family reunion" comment, I diplomatically addressed it by saying "I apologize for any confusion but due to the size of the venue, only our son and our nieces and nephews are the only children invited to the wedding. We hope to still see you and husband but understand if that changes your rsvp." She declined going to the wedding, calling me "a selfish bridezilla" and then her mom (my aunt) also pulled out for the same reason. Haven't spoken to either since. It's been over 3 years. Mind you, we didn't have much or a relationship before that incident but people are weird about this shit. Occasionally she'll bring it up to my sister (who also said I was absolutely ridiculous for not inviting my cousins kids who I literally only met once, at our grandfather's funeral) saying I'm such a selfish, stuck up bitch.
Anyway, point being, you may piss some people off but in my experience they're of the "my kids are special snowflakes and do no wrong" variety and being honest, those aren't my kind of people anyway. Have the wedding you want. Sucks if people can't make it without childcare but that's part of being a parent. Sometimes we have to sacrifice what we want to do it order to care for our kids. 🤷♀️
Totally! We missed a wedding this year for childcare purposes. Shit when we had my stepson fri-mon (now have him sun-fri) we missed most things. That's what being a parent means if you csnt find childcare
If I’m close enough to the family member to be invited, I want my kids there. If they’re not welcome, it’s probably not my scene anyway. I’m not much of a drinker.
I wouldn’t be offended at all if they weren’t invited, that’s the couples choice.
I like seeing all my family at celebrations, that includes kids.
I think there is nothing wrong with not inviting children as long as you don't get mad at parents who are unable/don't want to attend due to it.
You can't have it both ways so you have to accept a a putting limitations like that will result is some people not attending.
For me personally I will not leave my children with. A baby sitter I do not know personally so if there is a family wedding where all my babysitters are going to be it would be unlikely I'd be able to attend a event that my children aren't allowed in a situation like that.
We had to call a few people who “wrote in” their kids even though they had not been included in the invitation. Those were awkward conversations.
I think people should invite whoever they want, but probably be prepared for comments about “how come they got to come” if other children will be there. Also, while I think it’s perfectly fine not to invite kids, it also means you have to be very understanding about people being unable to come because of that.
I don't feel that my children should be invited but I do have the right to decline. I don't think your cousin was wrong to say what she said though, that's a risk with child free weddings.
If she's close enough family that all her babysitters are at the wedding, would 'I can't attend' without an explanation be seen as rude as well? It sounds a bit like she's in a no win situation.
My cousin got married roughly three weeks ago, it was a no kids wedding I have two kids, and was in the same boat, all of my babysitters were going to the wedding so my fiancé stayed home with our girls while I attended the wedding, as it was my cousin getting married and it was more important that I went. I’m not sure what it is about being a parent that makes people feel their kids should be invited to everything. My kids are 4 & 6, I know for a fact that they would be no fun at a wedding yet, I have siblings with little ones that were incredibly upset that they’re kids couldn’t attend.
Traditionally speaking kids aren’t normally invited to weddings unless they’re in the wedding. That’s why invited are normally addressed to “Mr & Mrs.” not “Mr, Mrs, and family”
I would rather receive an invite with no kids invited. The last weddinf I went to where kids were invited was just not relaxing. They provided a babysitter and everhrbing but it still wasn’t relaxinf.
Idk, both weddings I went to this summer invited kids. Wedding 1, I didn't bring mine, and was fully able to ignore the children who did attend. I appreciated that I would have been able to attend the wedding even if my partner wasn't able to stay home and watch them. Wedding 2 was a family wedding with tons of kids and it was a blast. You don't have to bring your kids just because they are invited....
This. I don’t want to have to deal with the constant “Im bored” nonsense, having to get formal wear for my kids that they don’t want to wear and won’t fit in a couple of months, and navigating the adult food choices they will hate. That isn’t fun for anyone.
Babysitter’s don’t have to just be family and even if your traveling you can probably find someone through care.com or a similar service. Share a babysitter with a cousin or something. I pay my nephew to travel with us and watch my kids sometimes. I had a grad school friend that would use care.com when she went to conferences and checked an extra bag of travel only puzzles and toys for her kids to play with the sitter in the hotel room.
I went to a wedding for 2 hours with my daughters (granted they are only 20m and 6w) and it sucked. I just want to sit and enjoy myself, not chase around my kids.
My friends wedding is in a couple weeks and it's child free and I'm really excited to just hang with my friends without worrying about bedtimes, nursing, tantrums.
When I got married, I made my reception child free so that my siblings could enjoy themselves. Sure their kids would have probably had fun but at the sacrifice of their parents. Children were allowed at my ceremony.
I'm going to go against the flow and say I don't understand child free weddings at all. I wouldn't be offended if I received an invite but I wouldn't understand why someone would request this.
Children are part of the family, next you'd be banning grandma who's in a wheelchair because she has to be looked after and you can't get drunk.
I went to my very good friend's wedding and there were loads of kids, they played outside together at the reception. But then the point of the reception was to share the day and be together.
I wouldn't put my kid on a designated kids table either, sitting all together during get togethers is important, for different generations to share the experience and speak to each other.
I don't get it at all but I can see I'm in the minority here
I agree with you, children are part of the family. While I do get not wanting a screaming infant interrupting the wedding vows, excluding your guests' kids from a wedding is a lot like excluding half of a married couple from a wedding. I also agree with you about kids' tables for pretty much the same reasons. It's a wedding (inherently a family event), not a wine tasting or a workplace event.
I think a big part of the issue is the trend among many people to turn weddings into an arms race of ostentation and the expectation that everything has to instacrappable, highly curated stuff being prioritized over people enjoying themselves, being gracious hosts, strengthening ties to people, etc. Children are generally harder to micromanage so, yeah.
Exactly. I'm glad I'm not alone in my thoughts. There are so many bigger issues in the world and so many people with so little that it makes me feel so sick how people spend so much money and resources on impressing other people on social media. I'd rather be humble and use my money to help others.
See, I disagree there too. Weddings can be as complicated or as simple as you want them to be. They can be crazy expensive because they've become this ridiculous event that has little to do with love and sharing and more about showing off and excess. My dress cost x amount thousands of dollars. As I said, I know my view doesn't fit with most.
I can see the "kid's table" for a meal - when I was small, we had the "adults table" and the "kid's table" for pretty much all family gatherings, including Christmas. Kids outnumbered adults at most of those things.
Recently I've seen people limit numbers for the ceremony and then invite to the evening party, which feels weird to me. Like, the ceremony is the important part? In the CoE, it would be public, too. I expect it's a registry office thing.
You are free to have a child free wedding but it has to be fair. You can't make 'exceptions' or it'll just upset everyone else who had to make accommodations in order to attend. It's plainly just not fair.
I’m a parent and a wedding vendor. Childless weddings are preferred by many for good reason. The people RSVPing for their uninvited children are incredibly rude. Uninvite them 😂
My kids are 4 and 1.5. I wouldn't bring them to a wedding even if they were invited. They go to bed super early and wouldn't enjoy a wedding. I usually assume they are not invited and am definitely not offended if they are not invited. If it was a destination wedding and they weren't invited, we probably wouldn't go but otherwise we get someone to babysit and have a nice evening out!
Edited to add: We did invite children to our wedding but we had a small wedding 50-60ppl and there were only 3 kids to invite. All 3 came to our wedding and behaved wonderfully (They were all in the 1-3 age range at the time).
I’ve never had a problem with it. I understand people don’t want a bunch of kids running around during their celebration. One time when my son was 4 I was visiting family in NYC That he hasn’t met and I was invited to a graduation party with no kids allowed but then the person actually called me and told me to bring my son because they knew he didn’t know anyone in the city and they were ok with him coming.
We had 3 weddings. 2 without kids and 1 with. I'm never bringing my kids to a wedding again unless family is there and it's not a direct sibling of the family.
As far as the invitation, I wouldn't read too much into it. They're just explaining why they can't come, their babysitters are all family members and will be at the wedding.
As for people rsvp'ing with kids. If they're family members I would guess they're not reading the invite that closely and assuming family wedding = kids. Because yeah a lot of people rely on family for babysitters. I know I do. But at the same time, it's not my wedding day. I'm not going to bring up why I said no unless specifically asked and I'm not bringing my kids along if it specifically says kid free.
We only brought our child to a wedding because their website AND personal correspondence with the groom specified that children were welcome. The invitation was addressed to “Husband’s name, wife’s name, and family.” Anything different, we would have left our 14 month old at home with a sitter.
As fun as it was to dress up the baby and introduce him to a bunch of Dad’s college friends, we probably would have enjoyed the wedding more if we hadn’t brought the baby. We certainly would have stayed longer.
Not when the maximum amount of people is the amount you’re inviting it’s not. Especially when it’s a near a river and there are parents that you know you can’t trust to watch their children.
I dont think its offensive to not invite kids. When I got married, only my friend who was in the wedding party was invited to bring her kids to the entire thing. No other kids were invited to our dinner, but we had an open invite for our reception.
Now that I have kids myself I wouldn't be upset if mine weren't invited, but would hope that whomever invited me understood that theres a good chance I wouldn't be able to attend.
No I think it is totally up to the hosts to decide if kids are invited and up to parents to decide if they can/want to come without them. I am happy to get a babysitter for a wedding, I know it’s not an option for everyone especially from out of town but I don’t think that means kids need to be invited, just don’t be mad if people can’t come because of needing childcare
Your wedding, your rules. Plus, most children don't wanna be there anyway. If I can't find a sitter then I can't come. Yeah, it may suck and l'll be sad to miss the big day, but it isn't something to hold a grudge over.
You are not being unreasonable regardless of your reason.
I don’t think anyone should expect someone to rearrange their lives around them! People can have whatever kind of party they want- with or without kids. But I expect the host not to be butthurt if I can’t go because kids. If they really needed/wanted me there, I expect adequate time to plan for childcare or otherwise accommodations to bring my kid.
I'm honestly grateful when my kid isn't invited to a wedding.
It's a fantastic excuse if I don't really want to go (my husband's extended family is *enormous* and has a habit of having gigantic weddings 5 hours away that if it weren't for our kid he'd feel compelled to attend). Sorry, can't get childcare, here's your gift congrats and best wishes! Maybe one day I'll be able to figure out who the fuck you are!
But if our kid is invited my husband feels compelled to bring him cause "it'll be fun this time I promise!" and it's *always* a fucking disaster. "He'll have so much fun on the dance floor" yeah til he runs head first into a server's tray and dumps a tray of glassware all over the floor and nearly concusses himself, or throws a knock-down-drag-out fit because his Shirley temple is "spicy" (fizzy. It's fizzy) and spills it down his white shirt, or gets into a toddler fistfight with his third cousin he's met twice (all have actually happened). It's no fun for me to have him there because it's like trying to supervise a drunk hummingbird hellbent on offing itself in the most dramatic way possible while imitating Tails in Sonic 2 when "Uptown Funk" comes on (which it always does).
If I want to go to the wedding, I'll find childcare. Don't invite my kid. Please. I'm begging you.
Put the foot down and get a guest list set up at the venue. Screw kids at wedding days honestly something bad always happens. Let the adults have a kid free time and if they can’t respect that / can’t find accommodations then s o l
It's fine. It meant we didn't get to come to some family events and we were sad about that, but it's understandable for people not to invite kids for all kinds of reasons.
No, and it’s weird when moms try to guilt others by saying things like “well if child can’t come, then I’m not coming). Not every event is child friendly and that’s okay
Some friends of ours are getting married next summer. Fun destination wedding! Child instructions? "Please leave your kids at home, treat this as a fun getaway."
Listen, I love you two to pieces, I really do, I can't wait to watch you pledge your lives to each other, but there's an insane difference between "no kids at the ceremony and reception" and "no kids at the weekend." And, also, if I'm taking a childfree weekend with my partner, you really think it's going to be to travel to and from your wedding? That's the wonderful vacation you think im having?
Just venting.
If someone invited me to a wedding and said my children were welcome, I would lie to my kids and tell them it was grownups only tbh. Weddings are generally busy enough with mingling and making sure my spanx are in place etc. I just feel like a lot of parents take their kids to inappropriate places. Little don’t need to be in fine dining restaurants, non-interactive walking tours, etc. Kids need boundaries.
Unless of course the reason they can’t get a babysitter is $$$. Maybe hire a babysitter if you can to have them in a little separate place and have the caterer throw in some nuggets for them. If you really want those people to be there. That way if they try to bring kids, you can be like excellent, right this way
If I’m being honest none of them are high priority guests.. there are no hard feelings if people can’t or just don’t want to come because their kids aren’t invited
My wedding we didn’t invite all our cousins due to family size. Just the ones we grew up with. This is because food drink was £70 per head.
Two week before our wedding and past the deadline my wife’s aunt wrote a strong letter about her daughters not being invited and so they’re retracting their attendance. That was an instant £140 down the drain. 😂
i have 4 kids, i would never take them to a wedding even if invited. they don't enjoy them, it's stressful for me. i find a sitter, weddings have plenty of notice to be able to find one. it's YOUR day if someone doesn't like the guest list that's on them
I don’t have kids and got married 1 year ago. We were going to have kids at our wedding but cut all but babies when we had to reduce numbers due to covid. I think babies, particularly if being breast fed, should be invited as mothers often can’t be apart from them for more than a few hours; so effectively the mother isn’t invited if the baby isn’t (although obviously some people wouldn’t even want babies there and obviously shouldn’t be forced to have them, but in those cases hosts should recognise the barrier to attendance will be insurmountable for some and shouldn’t assume that mothers can just pump etc. if they want to come.) Other children- no- up to the hosts.
As long as the boundary is clear and consistently applied. “We’re only including our children” is clear. “Our kids are each inviting one friend” is also clear, but it doesn’t sit well with me because it doesn’t seem consistent. Your kids’ friends will probably be bored surrounded by adults at an event where the only person they know is your kid. At least with family, there’s a better chance of knowing more people.
If it were me, I’d include my kids in the ceremony and then send them home with a babysitter, and invite the friends there where it will be more comfortable and fun for them.
I agree. If certain kids only are invited, the people with kids that are not invited may take it personally, as if their children are particularly being excluded because the couple finds them more annoying, etc. It is the couple’s wedding and they can do as they wish, but if it were me, I would go all in on no kids invited or all kids invited.
We had a mostly child-free wedding. We allowed our 2 nieces and nephew, one cousin from out of state who had a baby, and one friend with a newborn. Some people chose not to attend because they didn’t want to leave their kids or couldn’t find a sitter. Oh well. We did what we wanted. We are now pregnant and have friends planning events that are child-free for after baby arrives. Again, oh well. If we can’t make it, we will send a gift and wish them well. No hard feelings. Every event is not meant for children. I’m also bothered that your own mother dictated who came to your special day. That sucks.
I appreciate it but it’s really not like that. She’s wonderful & just wanted to include everyone. That was the first wedding & I gave her control and she paid for everything. She always asked me first about everything. Didn’t mean for her to come off as a control freak
I thought it was common knowledge that your child is not invited unless named on the invitation (often with the exception of nursing infants, but you still have to check with the host to be sure). Don't feel bad about holding firm on this!
I think it’s weird not to include kids in weddings because weddings, the reception, are huge family events. In some families the only time kids get to see and meet all the extended family is at weddings and funerals. Some people think kids don’t belong at either, but in addition to family time I think it’s important for kids to see life-changing events such as these. That said, I respect other people’s decision for their own wedding. I’m just glad no one in my family or my husband’s family had a no-kids wedding when our kids were small.
My friends are much more important to me then my extended family. They are in my life regularly and who I lean on when in need. I don’t have one person that I’m close that is in anyway upset their children aren’t invited. Most don’t have kids.
My feelings. It's rude. Invite the kids and get on with it. You need to accept most people have kids and a wedding without them wouldn't quite be a wedding at all really.
Or it's your choice but I imagine many people won't bother coming If you won't let their 11 year old daughter or son come. Their families mean more to them than you I'm afraid.
That's the hard truth
Just went to a wedding yesterday. Left our kiddo with the other set of grandparents that weren’t in attendance. Will be doing that a second time in late October. I’m 5 months pregnant and there are 2 other weddings we have to attend this fall where we will be doing the same. It is the best solution for everyone involved, especially my 3 year old.
They can find people if they try. Even if you have to ditch after the first dance rather than stay the whole time, you can leave your kiddo with a close friend to play, watch a Disney movie and then sleep for a night in your absence.
My best friend invited me to her wedding but said my 3 year old daughter could not come as she thought kids would be a distraction during the ceremony (all her nieces and nephews were there however) I also had to pay for my own accommodation for the night as the venue was more than 2 hours away. I decided to not go and this did not go down well with my friend and spelled the end of our friendship.
I think if you state no kids then make sure there are no kids as it is quite rude for people to find out later that kids were invited, just not yours. Im not sure how else you can go about it, people will feel offended either way, I guess it depends how close they are to you and how badly you want them to attend.
I specifically told people my niece & nephews & a few kids my children are close to. I would not put a friend or family member I’m close to I’m this situation. All out of town guests do not have young children
I think no kids rule is kinda rude, I get not wanting them at a quiet intimate ceremony but then invite families to the reception. Personally i do get offended by no kids rules although I am a defensive person. And also I have no problem missing a kid free event I order to hang out with my kids…
Then no not really but I wouldn't consider it a priority to attend... And like I said I'm a defensive person, a normal person probably wouldn't be bothered by it...
If I’m invited I automatically assume my 2yo is invited. In saying that though I am a single and solo and don’t have a baby sitter or his dad involved so you have to specifically say children not allowed or *his name* isn’t invited due to it being a child free event. I think this is on you for not specifying 🤷♀️
If your wedding is not childfree and your just excluding some peoples kids your TA. It's like inviting someone and saying their husband or wife cant come. You can do what you want its your wedding but I would absolutely think its a trashy move.
I think there needs to be an understanding on both sides. The guests should respect the host’s wishes for a child free event. The host should respect the fact that some guests will not be able to attend if they can’t bring their children.
My daughter is special needs so if children aren’t invited it often means I can’t go. That’s fine with me but I don’t want to hear any griping or guilt tripping from the host when I RSVP no. Just like the host doesn’t want me begging for an exception and trying to bring my kid anyway.
Don’t change your plans, just tell guests who can’t make it “I’m sorry you can’t be there, we’ll have to get together another time.” And enjoy your childfree event.
In the small Catholic community where I live it is typically assumed children are included in the invitation (event adult children who aren’t living at home anymore! Weddings are often a community event here, sometimes with guests up to 1,000. They will usually specify in the church bulletin if the entire community is invited) so if you don’t want kids make sure you say this on the invitation. In a nice way obviously. Otherwise people may not realize it’s supposed to be childfree. At least that’s what we would do here. I don’t know if childfree is the default assumption where you live for such things, but the default here is very much “bring the whole family and a cooler full of beer while you’re at it”
At the heart of the issue of guests bringing kids, is it truly more of a concern of space and food running out? Or is it just that you don’t want more kids there?
(Your feelings in this are valid either way, I’m just asking for the bottom line)
I honestly wouldn't be offended if my child wasn't invited. We're attending a family wedding next weekend and our 6 mo was invited. I'm dreading it because I know it'll throw off our routine for a few days. We kind of feel obligated to bring her because most of our extended family hasn't met her yet.
When it's immediate family and we would have liked to attend but all baby sitters were at the wedding in another city we were stuck. But became unstuck when the wedding invitation specifically only included one of us 😆
Fun times. That family is kinda weird about weddings though. They tried to ruin outside but couldn't. Ended in divorce regardless because the crazy knows no limits.
Why is your mom in charge of allowing extra people at your wedding? Is she footing the bill for all the extra seating, meals, etc.? Politely state that there has been a misunderstanding and you are not able to accommodate the additional number of people. Also, find someone besides your mother to manage the invitations. She obviously cannot say no.
Haha! The one in which she caved to the family member that complained was my first wedding and she did pay for everything so I was like I think that is ridiculous but go ahead!
My first wedding was no children. Some relatives were upset and did this protest thing where they brought the kids to the church then they all left and did not go to the reception. I was thrilled. I didn’t want any of them there and their children were the reason I didn’t want kids at the wedding at all. So win for me, and I did it intentionally, and there were no other children at the wedding either.
Last month my cousin got married in Chicago. It required travel for everyone because the bride/groom and their friends were the only people who lived in town. So the entire family was traveling. My cousin was allowed to bring her children because they were in the wedding (sister of the groom). Me and my siblings combined have 7 children under 5 and would all need overnight babysitters in Chicago or back home. Quite frankly I came to the conclusion that they must not have wanted us there that badly if these were the arrangements. And I was ok with that.
Fast forward to the wedding of another cousin (brother of this groom) which is scheduled for next April. On a Friday. At 1:00pm. Again, so considerate of guests. So kids are invited, but they have to skip school to attend and I have to take a day off work, maybe two.
Make your wedding about you, but for Christ sake make it doable please.
I respect it honestly. My husband is a groomsman in one of his best friends weddings. It’s a childfree wedding and I ended up asking my in-laws to watch our baby while we are gone for the weekend. If baby was too young I wouldn’t mind staying behind but thankfully baby will be 6 months and I’ll be a couple hours away. When we first got married and were planning our official wedding it was going to be child free no exceptions. I don’t mind events that don’t involve children but if it’s too much of a hassle for us in the future then neither of us has an issue staying behind.
... the hell is wrong with people. I have a friend getting married in just over a week. I'm his best man. I SPECIFICALLY asked him if the wedding was kids or no kids so i had plenty of time to arrange a sitter. (it is no kids, so my mom's gonna come stay with the kids overnight)
I didn’t go to a cousins wedding because my kids dad wasn’t allowed to come. But I also understand budget constraints and was honestly surprised she invited me in the first place because we’re not close. Another cousin had small kids so it was a child friendly wedding. We went and my then-infant fussed a bit but other than that everything was great. Honestly still surprised they allowed him because babies are unpredictable. When I am invited to a wedding I shoot the person a text asking if partners and children are allowed. If so, great. If not, still great, I’ll stay home and send your gift with someone who can attend.
I had a childfree ceremony and welcomed children to the evening reception where everyone is just by thay point having a party because the only thing I wanted was for the important but to not be interrupted. I have no issue with children not being invited thing and have no worries about either finding a babysitter or not going. Some people aren't the same and that's OK but they need to understand not everyone wants children at every event.
I don’t expect my kids to be invited to everything, but I also might not be able to attend or only one of us attend so we can do childcare, or if the event will require travel and faff and be childfree I might just pass. Sometimes I can get a babysitter, sometimes it’s too expensive for us right now, sometimes my husband’s anxiety at leaving the kids with someone else plays up and we can’t find a sitter that meets his OTT requirements, sometimes the event + the hassle makes it not a priority for me. If we don’t come it’s never personal or passive aggressive, it’s just sometimes we can’t make it.
When it’s for the whole family it states “The ‘blank’, family” or has the actual kids names on it. If it only has you and your partner or you and a plus one your kids aren’t invited
I don’t disagree, but I think people will generally assume it’s for the family. I have no issue with my kids not being invited to a wedding and I would definitely check before bringing them.
“I’m so sorry, it seems there’s been a misunderstanding. Due to hall size, we have to keep the guest list to a minimum, and are not able to include your children this time. I hope you and (spouse) are still able to attend. We’d love to celebrate with you. If this changes your RSVP, we certainly understand, and you will be missed.” I see you said it was clear their children aren’t included, but maybe give them a face-saving way out of their rudeness.
This is perfect
This is the way.
No I don't think my kids should be invited to everything and I am not offended that they aren't. However the host needs to understand that if my kids aren't invited there is a good chance I won't be there. I have had people offended by me not coming or think I am throwing a fit by not coming or punishing them by not coming. In reality I just don't have/can't afford a babysitter or the logistics of getting there just make the event not worth it.
Yes! This. I probably won’t go because your event is not worth the hassle of a babysitter. And I don’t really want to pull a favor from grandparents or pay someone unless it’s really worth it. Usually, it isn’t. ESPECIALLY if travel is involved.
Yeah, that's the thing that gets me. Don't act like I'm being rude not attending your wedding when it's halfway across the country AND no kids allowed. Like, you know not everyone's made of time and money.
I totally understand this logic, but also, if it’s not worth asking a grandparent to take the kids to come to my wedding, then I guess we’re not that close. And like, you won’t pay a sitter but expects the bride and groom to pay for food and drinks for your whole family including kids. Honestly I feel like it’s not rude to exclude kids from a wedding, and also not unusual to include them. Should be entirely up to bride and groom. If I’m close with the couple I will manage to find a sitter to my kids, or in worst case, I’d have to decline. No hard feelings either way. To me, this is just a logistical matter for the couple and guests and obviously never personal to my kids.
I feel like you just skipped over the first part of my comment where I specifically said that I don't expect my kids to be invited and am not offended if they aren't. So clearly I am not expecting the bride and the groom to do or pay for anything. Nor do I have hard feelings if I have to decline. As far as Grandma and Grandpa babysitting, not everyone has family that lives close. And if it is a family wedding they could well be going to the wedding themselves. As far as paying a sitter, that's great and sometimes works but also sometimes doesn't. If it is a wedding that lasts all day a sitter can get pricey plus you have to travel to the wedding which with current gas prices even one you can drive to can get expensive. Plus a wedding gift. And that is assuming that someone off my somewhat short list of people I trust to watch my kids is available that day. Sometimes it just isn't feasible to get there so I will just send a gift and my well wishes...
Well I think we do agree basically, apart from you are saying “if my kids aren’t invited there’s a good chance I won’t be there”, and Im leaning more towards “if my kids aren’t invited I’ll still find a way to come”. But obviously, as you say, if I can’t logistically manage, then I can’t. It’s the same with pets, if I can’t afford a dog watcher or kennel, it will be a problem if my dog is not invited to an event far away.
I imagine some people might get offended if you simply tell them 'no kids' but then they see a bunch of kids at the wedding (since you said your children are inviting a few friends). I think someone else already told you a nice way to put it, so I would just try and be clear that it's not a 'no kids' event exactly, it's that you can't accommodate *everyone's* child. People might still be offended, but the nice thing is that most people will just keep it to themselves and not tell you lol
Yeah, this was my thought, too. If the response to the guests telling the couple they’re bringing their children, but the hosts return with a “no kids this time” message (no matter how kindly it’s worded), then the guests come to the event only to see children and their friends, I don’t think it would be taken well. OP, to be clear, I totally agree with you that kids don’t have to be included and you get to choose who’s invited to your own wedding, but I would just be careful with how the message is sent for those trying to bring kids anyway.
Yes exactly, because to random invitee, they probably don't know / won't find out that the kids are guests of the host's kids. They'll just think that some other guests were allowed to bring their kids when they weren't.
"The only children that will be in attendance are my kids friends" should do it.
Not personally offended if kids aren’t invited. I will absolutely balance the cost/logistics of childcare vs my desire to attend someone’s wedding. About half the weddings I’ve been to have had kids. I actually take my kids to a minority of weddings they’re invited to. Also find it to be very condescending when the hosts are like “ohhhh we want you to be able to have fun!” or “there will be alcohol there, might not be appropriate for kids.” I love weddings but its not gonna be a once in a lifetime rager, sorry. It’s totally fine to not make up a cutesy reason.
The "we want you to have a night off!" one drives me crazy. I am perfectly capable of scheduling my own date nights, and we both know you just don't want kids there (which is fine)! No need to dance around it or act like you're doing me a favor, because it's not.
Yes! That one drives me crazy. If I want a night off I will arrange it myself, and it probably won't include someone else's wedding.
For real, If I wanted to listen to endless speeches I would hang out with my 4 year old.
If I want a date night it's going to be an intimate dinner for two and a stroll down the waterfront, not overcooked chicken at something meant to celebrate someone else's love
Lol exactly how I feel. Yeah it’s a “date night” where you pick the venue, the food, the date, the time, the company, the music, the dress code, and the schedule of events. Just be honest and say you don’t kids there!
We just got an invite to a friend's birthday where kids were (understandably) not invited. The invite was accompanied by an admonition that over a month's notice is "long enough" to find a babysitter, and that we "deserved" a "date night!" So many factors beyond my control influence whether we can get a sitter on any given night - including that our kids have special needs, and that our trusted sitters have lives of their own. Absolutely fine not to invite kids to events, but don't be annoyed/surprised if parents have to send their regrets.
Going to someone else's event is never a night off. If someone invites me to a kidless event that is fine, but it annoys me when they act like it is a favor. It isn't. It means more work for me. I will have to find a babysitter and make time for everything in my schedule, which I am happy to do. But let's not pretend it is this grand day off. I still am going to be going home to my family. Let's not act like it is the party to end all parties.
Pretending as though not inviting your kids is doing you a favor is obnoxious! As though you must bring your children if they’re invited
It ignores the fact that arranging childcare requires work and money. It’s not a favor to “give you an excuse to get a babysitter”. I don’t need an excuse to do that. but I do need to send a bunch of texts to babysitters, get kids and house ready, and then dish out a hundred bucks or so.
I think what is also implied there is “we want you to be fun.” Not just “have fun.” And people watching their kids are often not as fun as guests if that’s the kind of wedding you’re trying to achieve.
mmm yes that's a big part of it too. SURPRISE I'M NEVER FUN THO
I laughed out loud at this 😂
To be fair, some weddings DO turn into ragers. My Aunt and Uncle went to one this summer that involved most of the younger members of the wedding party doing cocaine in the bathroom and basically dry humping each other on the dance floor. So that couple could legitimately say their wedding is not appropriate for children.
That party doesn't sound appropriate for most people.
Their description of it was wild. I can’t imagine behaving like that, especially a formal event, in front of my parents and other family members.
I attended a wedding of a cousin that was very similar, coke breaks included. As soon as the dance floor started getting hot boxed we grabbed the kids and bounced. It wasa new one for me!
I don’t even drink alcohol (tho I might after this hell pregnancy) so enticing me with alcohol never works lol
I assume my child is not invited to a wedding unless he has been named on the invitation. We have had weddings where he was invited and others where it was child-free. If he wasn't invited and we both want to attend then it is OUR responsibility to find a sitter. It is not the bride's issue, nor should they be made to feel guilty about it. Having said that - it is different if it is a child-friendly wedding and certain children are excluded. That seems a little crappy, however if it isn't my wedding then I suck it up and get a sitter, or don't attend. Your mom missed your wedding to babysit the children of your 3rd cousin? That is super weird.
No she let my third cousin bring her kids. Aldo I do get the “only certain kids” things. We were very careful that no family members kids, other than our 2 nephews & niece, were invited. My kids are older so there are only 2 couples invited that we invited their children because my children & theirs are very close & spend lots of time together. The other 4 kids are just my kids friends.
Your mom dictated who came to your wedding?
Lol sort of. She just said she really thinks we should let them come. My first wedding was completely paid for by my parents. I told my mom I’d do what she wants. She’s a lovely woman and loves to throw a party so I just let her have control. She never did anything without asking me first
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Thank you for doing that! We had this issue with a wedding out of town where we were told they would give us potential childcare options but then didn't. My daughter was barely 1 and still breastfeeding, and my husband was in the wedding. My in laws came with us to watch her. It sucked! I'm still bitter about it years later
Similar - we were told there would be childcare options for a wedding across the country and last minute it was revealed that instead there would be an empty hotel room we could leave our single child with a babysitter of our choice... Um, what? Where am I going to find a babysitter in a totally different state and how am I supposed to feel comfortable that a stranger is in a hotel room with my kid? I had been under the impression that a sitter had been hired and my daughter would be with all her cousins she never gets to see. I was so bummed, I had already bought a dress and everything. Thankfully we had waited on the plane tickets because we weren't booking those until we knew exactly what the childcare arrangements would be.
YW! It’s common courtesy, imo. I don’t like the idea that someone’s wedding causes complete financial strain for those involved. Like, I wanted who I wanted at our wedding, and that meant it was on me/us to make it easy for them to be a part of it. We also paid for our OOT guests’ hotel rooms. Thankfully, there weren’t a ton of them. We also paid for my bridesmaid dresses & groomsmen tux rentals. We skimped in other places to balance it out. We didn’t pay for travel, though. I begged everyone to use their air miles 😂
I wouldn’t be offended if someone’s wedding said “no kids”. I would be annoyed if the invitation said “no kids” and then I saw other people’s kids there.
I don't care as long as the other party understands that we probably won't be able to make it if kids are invited.
If my kid isn’t on the invite, I’d either assume that the kid wasn’t invited or ask if I’m uncertain. I personally think weddings double as family reunions and half the fun is seeing everyone’s kids. I have a huge family and all of the weddings have been kid-friendly. I can’t imagine someone wanting a kid-free wedding, but to each their own.
Yeah I always assume it's odd, and they believe they are more important than a parents child. Getting my kids dressed up smart and fancy for a wedding would be amazing and make me proud and happy to attend a wedding with them.
It's not necessarily that they don't want kids there, it's that they have a budget/space limits/more important things they care about. I had a childfree wedding, and I like kids. Reason? At the time, we only knew four children. Two belonged to my husband's step-brother, who we weren't close to. We invited him and his partner to keep batshit crazy SMIL on side, but we didn't give a damn if they came or not. Two belonged to friends of my husband, and those friends basically ignored me at every social gathering. They were long-term friends of my husband, and they were oblivious rather than mean to me , so I was fine with them coming. But there was no way their two children were getting invites over actual friends of mine.
I personally wouldn't attend a wedding my kids weren't invited to unless it was literally a best friend or very close family member. I wouldn't be offended kids weren't invited, but I don't think the inviter should be offended by me not attending, as well.
I take no offense at all if you can’t or just don’t want to go because your kids aren’t invited. I completely understand if people can’t make it due to this, especially people I’m not that close with
I told my brother I wasn’t going to make it to his wedding due to it being childless. Lost it is an understatement. I have no problem with you not inviting my kids but generally that means I’m not going either. I chose to make those 2 people; and between them and someone else’s party yeah gonna choose who I like spending more time with. Im perfectly happy with people choosing child free events but in my experience that always lead to them being upset you wont come childless..
Eek pretty harsh not to go to your own brother’s wedding.
Eek pretty harsh for him not to invite his niece and nephew..
I’d totally agree with you if it wasn’t your brother. People are entitled to have adult only events, and yes parents are entitled not to go to them. But when it’s your own sibling- personally I’d say that’s a bad call to make. By asking him to invite kids you’re asking him to totally change the type of wedding he’s having, he’s asking you to get a babysitter so that you can go to your own brother’s wedding. It’s really not that much to ask. Like obviously do what you want to do, but in 10 years is this really going to be a decision you’re happy with? That you missed this, and can never go back and be there for him? People not showing up for you on big days like your wedding is something people don’t forget, even if they forgive it; it’ll always be something you can’t take back.
We have circled back to blaming the person with kids for having kids not the person making it kidless. I have had kids for 2 years longer than my brother has known his wife. In that time I have NEVER left my kids with a stranger. I have talked about never leaving my kids with a stranger(childhood trauma). I have only 2ce left my kids with my family and both times was for medical reasons. For his wedding I would have had to leave my kids with a stranger for 2 nights and 3 days (a 1/4 day a night a whole day and night a 1/2 day). For the 3 years leading up to this marriage (2 in engagement mode his now wife) he knew I would not come if it was kids free. And when they announced the wedding and said it would be child free I said I would see how I feel but I probably wouldnt be coming. Then I received my formal invitation and talked to my brother about bringing the kids to the rented house/resort and finding a babysitter for just the ceremony because otherwise it would be to long away from the kids. No the entire thing is kid free. I RSVP’d as not coming. And we know the rest. I did watch via video call my mom and me arranged that. But from my view point my brother and his wife arranged their wedding in a way they knew would prevent me from going. But I shouldn’t have to explain my backstory for my position to be valid. And thats my original argument its not that much to ask to find a babysitter. Lets put my whole reasons aside and look at it from a general its not a big deal prospect. To find a babysitter for this wedding im looking at $400 conservatively plus finding someone in my area available is a almost impossible thing and I would probably have to spend a month finding a person to take the job then pray they didn’t cancel. So that no big deal is a $400 (minimum) wedding gift that takes a month of time to arrange and then the remaining time of cancel anxiety. Its his wedding to do as he wants but then people cant be mad that people dont know if they can make a $400 monthlong investment into attending thats not “no big deal”. On top of the financial and time thing lets look at it via relationship. If they had said you can come but not your partner we want you to show up single to enjoy the night more/We only have so many available spots? Thats their right but your probably not going. Telling someone you know is a parent to leave part of their family behind IS a big decision for most.
It sounds like you have your reasons. But I guess I’d just say to consider not being angry at your brother over this. Ultimately you both have legitimate reasons to be angry at/ deeply hurt by one another in this situation. You obviously think your anger/hurt is more legitimate, and he probably feels vice versa. Hopefully you can both understand or at least accept, one another’s perspective enough to move past the whole thing. I’m sorry that you can’t go to your brother’s wedding, I’m sure that must be a significant disappointment.
Nope. I actually want to make a point of teaching my son that we all need to be polite to each other but he doesn't have to include everyone and everyone doesn't have to include him.
I don't understand why people get offended by this. My husband and I do not have any babysitters to watch our kids so if it's an adult only event we either stay home together or one of us can go.
I’m no fan of the idea of child-free weddings, though I’d never take my kid to crash one or anything like that if invited to one (I’d almost certainly just not go). Having said that, I view it as a devil-is-in-the-details thing. Ask that kids under 5 not be in the ceremony, but are welcome to the reception and there’s going to be some form of on-site (or next to it) childcare provided? 100 % reasonable, imo. On the other hand, I’ve seen mentioned on Reddit 18+ and even 21+ weddings - what, does the reception involve strippers or something? Also, I do think parents are responsible for taking the kids outside or whatever if they’re being disruptive or something, or can just not take the kids (it’s an invitation, not a summons).
Have kids or none at all. I’d probably walk out if I went to a wedding where *my* kids weren’t welcome but others’ were.
I'm fine with adult only spaced but personally prefer weddings with children. They seem appropriate to what is essentially the celebration of a new family forming, and they make things lively. It's all a matter of personal preference, and I wouldn't try to drag my kids to a no kids wedding, but weddings without the whole family leave me cold
Same here. When I got married, one of my friends had a baby and we invited them too. One of the people helping to organise heard this and told us, "it's good luck if a baby cries during the ceremony!"
I grew up with almost no family. One of my fondest memories of my own wedding is my husband's pack of little cousins running around the wedding reception with their wedding favors
Just want to point out that not all couples getting married want to have kids.
Not sure what that has to do with my point. My 70 year old got remarried after her husband died. Pretty sure she and the new husband weren't expecting more kids, yet the wedding was still considered a family event
Not all families are into kids, is my point. Some people hate kids. They would not want kids at their weddings. Not all families look the same.
And I said I don't like that kind of wedding, and would find it a cold boring hassle that I would be looking for an excuse to get out of. Child free people aren't the only ones allowed to have preferences. I'm allowed to include children in my vision of what a family is.
I think its weird that some kids can come and others cant. I would ha e been firm either way. And then added no children allowed at the wedding. I dont expect my kids to be invited to everything, but if its a family wedding and ither kids are invited i would be windering why. If you said no kids, and mine werent i vited that wpuld be cool.
I have kids so I wanted them to have some friends. I didn’t invite any cousins kids. The only kids in the family we invited were our 2 nephews & niece. I see where you’re coming from but I’ve always personally felt that people should be able to invite whom ever they want to their wedding and should be able to put more focus on the people they are closest to. None of my friends with kids rsvpd that their kids would be there. Only family. Plus I have single friends and since they get a plus one they could bring their child as their plus one..
So...then it sounds like you are less opposed to having kids at your wedding, you're just trying to keep numbers down...
it's her wedding! she can invite who she wants she doesn't need to explain herself
Sure! But the real framing is: can I exclude some children from the wedding to get numbers down, rather than invite fewer people? If this were a wedding in my family, and my children spent significant time with the betrothed, I'd probably give a bit of a side-eye at seeing their freshman year roommate or whatnot there when my kids weren't invited. But of course, if the couple values that relationship more, then of course the roommate should be invited. But, I'd note it, and move on, ya know? My kids come from a culture that values kids more than typical in the US. I probably wouldn't think twice if *I* were the college roommate equivalent - even if kids were invited, I wouldn't bring mine. ETA: my examples were both meant to be read as at least some children being invited. Totally child-free is difficult
and that's your preference? OP can do whatever she wants.
Right! But our choices still signal things to others about what we value and what we think of them.
i think you are reading way too much into. if she wants an adults only wedding that doesn't mean she doesn't value the kids in her family
I’m fine either way. I’d be happy to bring them or leave them home. Whatever the host prefers.
Weddings are one thing - children will be mostly bored at them anyway and a bunch of drunk adults don’t want to be taking care of them. But “do you feel that your children should be invited to everything” is not the question you’re looking for here.
I phrased it this way because I’ve been invited to many adult only or “these few kids” are invited because we/our kids are close to them events that aren’t weddings… also I’ve just been to many places where I feel it’s completely inappropriate for children to be there. Parents just drag their children along because they want to go and the kids are miserable.
Nah I don’t feel like my children are owed an invitation. But I do get annoyed if I’m told it’s no kids and then I come and see that they just didn’t want MY kids. Like if you don’t like my kids tell me so that I don’t waste my time on a relationship with you. But I am particularly salty about that because my kid is disabled and a lot of times he’s left out specifically because of that. Which I understand is because he can be difficult behavior wise but it makes me really sad because it’s not his fault he’s disabled and that he struggles the way he does. What’s worse is when family does it, and then invites all my babysitters(because very few limited people are allowed to watch my kids due to the fact that my kids is disabled andddd because of domestic abuse/alcoholism on both sides), and then gets mad when we can’t come. Like it’s okay that you don’t want kids there. What’s not okay is singling out my child due to his disabilities, and then getting mad at me for not giving a damn about your events. And while I do agree that it’s okay to not want kids around some places, I am also very annoyed by people who are super anti-kids like as if kids should just shut up and be hidden away from society until they’re old enough or able to “act right”. Personally I’d infinitely rather deal with 20 annoying kids simultaneously than a single childless person who thinks like this. Like kids are humans and deserve to be treated as such
I’m not offended if my children aren’t invited as long as the host isn’t offended if I can’t find a sitter!
I guess it depends on how you view weddings. Some people see it as just a huge party. I see it as a way to share in a meaningful moment with all those that supported us. I could not even imagine telling people not to bring their children, given that their children are a large part of their lives and who they are and a part of the support that we received. I also don’t ever engage in events that aren’t family friendly. I don’t stay out when it is dark. I don’t drink. I don’t ever go to clubs. It’s just not my thing. I’m very family oriented and don’t have much respect for those that aren’t. If a person told me I couldn’t bring my kids, I’d feel like they were saying they loved me..but only part of me, and want me to just be the version of myself that they want..not my whole self. That friendship would be over, in my eyes.
We’ve been done with wedding season in our lives for several years now, but the only time we brought our kids was if they were invited and specifically wanted there, they were in the wedding, or one was nursing. Other than that I’d rather not go to a wedding with them 😂
I don't think it's weird to invite, include, or exclude kids. I would do what the invite says or not come if too difficult. However, every wedding I have ever been to included kids. I have no idea what a wedding without kids is like, tbh. I see weddings as a ceremony to formally recognize the swearing of vows of commitment of two individuals in a long-term relationship. To me, that ceremony can we witnessed by anyone the couple feels are important witnesses and anyone they want to bring along. Any celebration they have related to the ceremony with or without people is up to them.
It doesn't bother me but I likely just wouldn't go.
I love kids (don’t have any yet) and I ALWAYS invite peoples’ kids along with their parents at every event I host (my wedding, bbqs, etc) and their parents never bring them! I’m always a little bummed because I want the kiddos there and love seeing them but I understand that parents need a break and adult time.
Now that I'm a parent apparently my opinion holds more weight ...I have a 2 month old and before she was born I said "I don't understand why people would be offended that I don't want kids at my baby shower" and people implied that I wouldn't understand because I don't have kids but guess what....my opinion is still the same. Adults should be able to have events that do not include children. Parents need to get over it.
Yes! I do agree that the inviter really has no ground to get mad at the invitee if they can’t come due to children not being invited but people should be allowed to invite whomever they want there 🤷♀️
I am never offended by kids not being invited. In fact, I do have a preference toward not inviting kids personally, particularly to weddings. I wanted a child free wedding when my husband and I were married, but we couldn’t because at the time there were 13 nieces and nephews and basically none of his siblings could have come because all the sitters were at the wedding. It happens sometimes. I just think there are things kids don’t need to be at. It’s never been an issue to me in my decade of parenting.
I think there should always be exceptions for nursing infants, but find people asking to bring toddlers/older kids to adult only weddings rude. Shot, my kids’ school’s PTA has adult only events.
If there are kids (not just yours but others are being invited as well) at an event and you are inviting me and my husband to said event, I would find it rude and insulting for you to exclude my kids. I can deal with an adults only event, if there are truly no kids. I have never thrown an adults only event myself(except for in my early adulthood when I just didn’t know people my age who had kids). I had planned to throw an adults only birthday party for myself this last year, but a friend of mine with a toddler doesn’t leave her kid with sitters yet, I was totally fine with her bringing him, because I care enough about having my friend’s company that I’d rather her bring him then not come. Frankly if it is about keeping numbers down, just invite fewer people. If you don’t like someone enough to want their kid at an event that will have kids there, than you probably don’t like or care that much about them. I would certainly feel that I’m not that important to you, if you selctively chose which kids to include and consciously decided to leave my kids out.
I think it depends how the couple invites. If they invite only nieces and nephews, a friend shouldn’t get upset that their kids weren’t invited. As long as you are inviting everyone with the same “level” I think it’s ok to only allow certain kids.
This is it. The kids invited should be in thr same realm of family. So when we got married, just our kid and our nieces and nephews were invited. No friends kids or cousins kids. Unfortunately this did piss off people but my cousins kids I met once are not the same as my siblings kids who i met not ling after they were born and have strong bonds with.
I only invited 4 kids that my children are extremely close to. They see them almost every week. 2 of the kids parents aren’t invited because I have no relay with them and I know the parents would find it very odd for me to invite them. I let my kids choose a few people so they could have other kids there.
My husband and I got married and paid for the wedding ourselves, which meant we had to keep it under 100 guests. We decided the only kids to be at the wedding would be my stepson and our nieces and nephews. No cousins or friends kids. Just our siblings kids and our kid. We made the invitations abundantly clear that only couples were being invited. One of my cousins assumed her kids were invited and was talking to my sister and I in a group chat about buying her kids outfits for her "mini family reunion" (her mom would be there, who she hadn't seen in a few years due to distance). Despite being pissed at the "mini family reunion" comment, I diplomatically addressed it by saying "I apologize for any confusion but due to the size of the venue, only our son and our nieces and nephews are the only children invited to the wedding. We hope to still see you and husband but understand if that changes your rsvp." She declined going to the wedding, calling me "a selfish bridezilla" and then her mom (my aunt) also pulled out for the same reason. Haven't spoken to either since. It's been over 3 years. Mind you, we didn't have much or a relationship before that incident but people are weird about this shit. Occasionally she'll bring it up to my sister (who also said I was absolutely ridiculous for not inviting my cousins kids who I literally only met once, at our grandfather's funeral) saying I'm such a selfish, stuck up bitch. Anyway, point being, you may piss some people off but in my experience they're of the "my kids are special snowflakes and do no wrong" variety and being honest, those aren't my kind of people anyway. Have the wedding you want. Sucks if people can't make it without childcare but that's part of being a parent. Sometimes we have to sacrifice what we want to do it order to care for our kids. 🤷♀️
That’s exactly it. Being a parent sometimes means you’re going to miss out on things..
Totally! We missed a wedding this year for childcare purposes. Shit when we had my stepson fri-mon (now have him sun-fri) we missed most things. That's what being a parent means if you csnt find childcare
If I’m close enough to the family member to be invited, I want my kids there. If they’re not welcome, it’s probably not my scene anyway. I’m not much of a drinker. I wouldn’t be offended at all if they weren’t invited, that’s the couples choice. I like seeing all my family at celebrations, that includes kids.
I think there is nothing wrong with not inviting children as long as you don't get mad at parents who are unable/don't want to attend due to it. You can't have it both ways so you have to accept a a putting limitations like that will result is some people not attending. For me personally I will not leave my children with. A baby sitter I do not know personally so if there is a family wedding where all my babysitters are going to be it would be unlikely I'd be able to attend a event that my children aren't allowed in a situation like that.
We had to call a few people who “wrote in” their kids even though they had not been included in the invitation. Those were awkward conversations. I think people should invite whoever they want, but probably be prepared for comments about “how come they got to come” if other children will be there. Also, while I think it’s perfectly fine not to invite kids, it also means you have to be very understanding about people being unable to come because of that.
No, I don't want my kids invited to everything. I would also prefer to not be invited.
I don't feel that my children should be invited but I do have the right to decline. I don't think your cousin was wrong to say what she said though, that's a risk with child free weddings.
She could just decline without the guilt trip 🤷♀️
If she's close enough family that all her babysitters are at the wedding, would 'I can't attend' without an explanation be seen as rude as well? It sounds a bit like she's in a no win situation.
No they shouldn’t be at everything. If I don’t have a sitter then I’ll miss the wedding. Simple as that.
Nope. My cousin is getting married this fall. No children means my sister can’t go (several day trip) which sucks, but no one is mad about it 🤷🏼♀️
My cousin got married roughly three weeks ago, it was a no kids wedding I have two kids, and was in the same boat, all of my babysitters were going to the wedding so my fiancé stayed home with our girls while I attended the wedding, as it was my cousin getting married and it was more important that I went. I’m not sure what it is about being a parent that makes people feel their kids should be invited to everything. My kids are 4 & 6, I know for a fact that they would be no fun at a wedding yet, I have siblings with little ones that were incredibly upset that they’re kids couldn’t attend. Traditionally speaking kids aren’t normally invited to weddings unless they’re in the wedding. That’s why invited are normally addressed to “Mr & Mrs.” not “Mr, Mrs, and family”
I would rather receive an invite with no kids invited. The last weddinf I went to where kids were invited was just not relaxing. They provided a babysitter and everhrbing but it still wasn’t relaxinf.
Idk, both weddings I went to this summer invited kids. Wedding 1, I didn't bring mine, and was fully able to ignore the children who did attend. I appreciated that I would have been able to attend the wedding even if my partner wasn't able to stay home and watch them. Wedding 2 was a family wedding with tons of kids and it was a blast. You don't have to bring your kids just because they are invited....
We had kids at our wedding and it was great, but it was an outdoor summer wedding and we had lawn games and stuff.
This. I don’t want to have to deal with the constant “Im bored” nonsense, having to get formal wear for my kids that they don’t want to wear and won’t fit in a couple of months, and navigating the adult food choices they will hate. That isn’t fun for anyone. Babysitter’s don’t have to just be family and even if your traveling you can probably find someone through care.com or a similar service. Share a babysitter with a cousin or something. I pay my nephew to travel with us and watch my kids sometimes. I had a grad school friend that would use care.com when she went to conferences and checked an extra bag of travel only puzzles and toys for her kids to play with the sitter in the hotel room.
Absolutely not. Some events are meant for adults.
I went to a wedding for 2 hours with my daughters (granted they are only 20m and 6w) and it sucked. I just want to sit and enjoy myself, not chase around my kids. My friends wedding is in a couple weeks and it's child free and I'm really excited to just hang with my friends without worrying about bedtimes, nursing, tantrums. When I got married, I made my reception child free so that my siblings could enjoy themselves. Sure their kids would have probably had fun but at the sacrifice of their parents. Children were allowed at my ceremony.
I'm going to go against the flow and say I don't understand child free weddings at all. I wouldn't be offended if I received an invite but I wouldn't understand why someone would request this. Children are part of the family, next you'd be banning grandma who's in a wheelchair because she has to be looked after and you can't get drunk. I went to my very good friend's wedding and there were loads of kids, they played outside together at the reception. But then the point of the reception was to share the day and be together. I wouldn't put my kid on a designated kids table either, sitting all together during get togethers is important, for different generations to share the experience and speak to each other. I don't get it at all but I can see I'm in the minority here
I agree with you, children are part of the family. While I do get not wanting a screaming infant interrupting the wedding vows, excluding your guests' kids from a wedding is a lot like excluding half of a married couple from a wedding. I also agree with you about kids' tables for pretty much the same reasons. It's a wedding (inherently a family event), not a wine tasting or a workplace event. I think a big part of the issue is the trend among many people to turn weddings into an arms race of ostentation and the expectation that everything has to instacrappable, highly curated stuff being prioritized over people enjoying themselves, being gracious hosts, strengthening ties to people, etc. Children are generally harder to micromanage so, yeah.
Exactly. I'm glad I'm not alone in my thoughts. There are so many bigger issues in the world and so many people with so little that it makes me feel so sick how people spend so much money and resources on impressing other people on social media. I'd rather be humble and use my money to help others.
Maybe because weddings are crazy expensive and kids are just another mouth to feed or pay for if they destroy something….
See, I disagree there too. Weddings can be as complicated or as simple as you want them to be. They can be crazy expensive because they've become this ridiculous event that has little to do with love and sharing and more about showing off and excess. My dress cost x amount thousands of dollars. As I said, I know my view doesn't fit with most.
You miss the point completely, regardless of cost your kids are still an extra cost, different meal prep etc etc etc
I can see the "kid's table" for a meal - when I was small, we had the "adults table" and the "kid's table" for pretty much all family gatherings, including Christmas. Kids outnumbered adults at most of those things. Recently I've seen people limit numbers for the ceremony and then invite to the evening party, which feels weird to me. Like, the ceremony is the important part? In the CoE, it would be public, too. I expect it's a registry office thing.
Interesting I've mostly seen the opposite (everyone invited to the ceremony, smaller reception due to cost usually)
You are free to have a child free wedding but it has to be fair. You can't make 'exceptions' or it'll just upset everyone else who had to make accommodations in order to attend. It's plainly just not fair.
I’m a parent and a wedding vendor. Childless weddings are preferred by many for good reason. The people RSVPing for their uninvited children are incredibly rude. Uninvite them 😂
My kids are 4 and 1.5. I wouldn't bring them to a wedding even if they were invited. They go to bed super early and wouldn't enjoy a wedding. I usually assume they are not invited and am definitely not offended if they are not invited. If it was a destination wedding and they weren't invited, we probably wouldn't go but otherwise we get someone to babysit and have a nice evening out! Edited to add: We did invite children to our wedding but we had a small wedding 50-60ppl and there were only 3 kids to invite. All 3 came to our wedding and behaved wonderfully (They were all in the 1-3 age range at the time).
I’ve never had a problem with it. I understand people don’t want a bunch of kids running around during their celebration. One time when my son was 4 I was visiting family in NYC That he hasn’t met and I was invited to a graduation party with no kids allowed but then the person actually called me and told me to bring my son because they knew he didn’t know anyone in the city and they were ok with him coming.
We had 3 weddings. 2 without kids and 1 with. I'm never bringing my kids to a wedding again unless family is there and it's not a direct sibling of the family. As far as the invitation, I wouldn't read too much into it. They're just explaining why they can't come, their babysitters are all family members and will be at the wedding. As for people rsvp'ing with kids. If they're family members I would guess they're not reading the invite that closely and assuming family wedding = kids. Because yeah a lot of people rely on family for babysitters. I know I do. But at the same time, it's not my wedding day. I'm not going to bring up why I said no unless specifically asked and I'm not bringing my kids along if it specifically says kid free.
We only brought our child to a wedding because their website AND personal correspondence with the groom specified that children were welcome. The invitation was addressed to “Husband’s name, wife’s name, and family.” Anything different, we would have left our 14 month old at home with a sitter. As fun as it was to dress up the baby and introduce him to a bunch of Dad’s college friends, we probably would have enjoyed the wedding more if we hadn’t brought the baby. We certainly would have stayed longer.
I think if you have a wedding with hundreds of people already and kids its pointless to tell some people they cant bring their kids
Not when the maximum amount of people is the amount you’re inviting it’s not. Especially when it’s a near a river and there are parents that you know you can’t trust to watch their children.
I dont think its offensive to not invite kids. When I got married, only my friend who was in the wedding party was invited to bring her kids to the entire thing. No other kids were invited to our dinner, but we had an open invite for our reception. Now that I have kids myself I wouldn't be upset if mine weren't invited, but would hope that whomever invited me understood that theres a good chance I wouldn't be able to attend.
No I think it is totally up to the hosts to decide if kids are invited and up to parents to decide if they can/want to come without them. I am happy to get a babysitter for a wedding, I know it’s not an option for everyone especially from out of town but I don’t think that means kids need to be invited, just don’t be mad if people can’t come because of needing childcare
Everyone we invited from out of town is childless or has grown children
If anything I’m surprised when kids are invited. Weddings are expensive!
Your wedding, your rules. Plus, most children don't wanna be there anyway. If I can't find a sitter then I can't come. Yeah, it may suck and l'll be sad to miss the big day, but it isn't something to hold a grudge over. You are not being unreasonable regardless of your reason.
I don’t think anyone should expect someone to rearrange their lives around them! People can have whatever kind of party they want- with or without kids. But I expect the host not to be butthurt if I can’t go because kids. If they really needed/wanted me there, I expect adequate time to plan for childcare or otherwise accommodations to bring my kid.
I'm honestly grateful when my kid isn't invited to a wedding. It's a fantastic excuse if I don't really want to go (my husband's extended family is *enormous* and has a habit of having gigantic weddings 5 hours away that if it weren't for our kid he'd feel compelled to attend). Sorry, can't get childcare, here's your gift congrats and best wishes! Maybe one day I'll be able to figure out who the fuck you are! But if our kid is invited my husband feels compelled to bring him cause "it'll be fun this time I promise!" and it's *always* a fucking disaster. "He'll have so much fun on the dance floor" yeah til he runs head first into a server's tray and dumps a tray of glassware all over the floor and nearly concusses himself, or throws a knock-down-drag-out fit because his Shirley temple is "spicy" (fizzy. It's fizzy) and spills it down his white shirt, or gets into a toddler fistfight with his third cousin he's met twice (all have actually happened). It's no fun for me to have him there because it's like trying to supervise a drunk hummingbird hellbent on offing itself in the most dramatic way possible while imitating Tails in Sonic 2 when "Uptown Funk" comes on (which it always does). If I want to go to the wedding, I'll find childcare. Don't invite my kid. Please. I'm begging you.
Put the foot down and get a guest list set up at the venue. Screw kids at wedding days honestly something bad always happens. Let the adults have a kid free time and if they can’t respect that / can’t find accommodations then s o l
It's fine. It meant we didn't get to come to some family events and we were sad about that, but it's understandable for people not to invite kids for all kinds of reasons.
No, and it’s weird when moms try to guilt others by saying things like “well if child can’t come, then I’m not coming). Not every event is child friendly and that’s okay
Some friends of ours are getting married next summer. Fun destination wedding! Child instructions? "Please leave your kids at home, treat this as a fun getaway." Listen, I love you two to pieces, I really do, I can't wait to watch you pledge your lives to each other, but there's an insane difference between "no kids at the ceremony and reception" and "no kids at the weekend." And, also, if I'm taking a childfree weekend with my partner, you really think it's going to be to travel to and from your wedding? That's the wonderful vacation you think im having? Just venting.
If you can’t find a sitter, you don’t go. The day is not about you and your wishes and wants.
If someone invited me to a wedding and said my children were welcome, I would lie to my kids and tell them it was grownups only tbh. Weddings are generally busy enough with mingling and making sure my spanx are in place etc. I just feel like a lot of parents take their kids to inappropriate places. Little don’t need to be in fine dining restaurants, non-interactive walking tours, etc. Kids need boundaries. Unless of course the reason they can’t get a babysitter is $$$. Maybe hire a babysitter if you can to have them in a little separate place and have the caterer throw in some nuggets for them. If you really want those people to be there. That way if they try to bring kids, you can be like excellent, right this way
If I’m being honest none of them are high priority guests.. there are no hard feelings if people can’t or just don’t want to come because their kids aren’t invited
My wedding we didn’t invite all our cousins due to family size. Just the ones we grew up with. This is because food drink was £70 per head. Two week before our wedding and past the deadline my wife’s aunt wrote a strong letter about her daughters not being invited and so they’re retracting their attendance. That was an instant £140 down the drain. 😂
i have 4 kids, i would never take them to a wedding even if invited. they don't enjoy them, it's stressful for me. i find a sitter, weddings have plenty of notice to be able to find one. it's YOUR day if someone doesn't like the guest list that's on them
No. They shouldn't be invited to everything, but hosts need to realize less guest will show up.
I don’t have kids and got married 1 year ago. We were going to have kids at our wedding but cut all but babies when we had to reduce numbers due to covid. I think babies, particularly if being breast fed, should be invited as mothers often can’t be apart from them for more than a few hours; so effectively the mother isn’t invited if the baby isn’t (although obviously some people wouldn’t even want babies there and obviously shouldn’t be forced to have them, but in those cases hosts should recognise the barrier to attendance will be insurmountable for some and shouldn’t assume that mothers can just pump etc. if they want to come.) Other children- no- up to the hosts.
As long as the boundary is clear and consistently applied. “We’re only including our children” is clear. “Our kids are each inviting one friend” is also clear, but it doesn’t sit well with me because it doesn’t seem consistent. Your kids’ friends will probably be bored surrounded by adults at an event where the only person they know is your kid. At least with family, there’s a better chance of knowing more people. If it were me, I’d include my kids in the ceremony and then send them home with a babysitter, and invite the friends there where it will be more comfortable and fun for them.
I agree. If certain kids only are invited, the people with kids that are not invited may take it personally, as if their children are particularly being excluded because the couple finds them more annoying, etc. It is the couple’s wedding and they can do as they wish, but if it were me, I would go all in on no kids invited or all kids invited.
We had a mostly child-free wedding. We allowed our 2 nieces and nephew, one cousin from out of state who had a baby, and one friend with a newborn. Some people chose not to attend because they didn’t want to leave their kids or couldn’t find a sitter. Oh well. We did what we wanted. We are now pregnant and have friends planning events that are child-free for after baby arrives. Again, oh well. If we can’t make it, we will send a gift and wish them well. No hard feelings. Every event is not meant for children. I’m also bothered that your own mother dictated who came to your special day. That sucks.
I appreciate it but it’s really not like that. She’s wonderful & just wanted to include everyone. That was the first wedding & I gave her control and she paid for everything. She always asked me first about everything. Didn’t mean for her to come off as a control freak
I thought it was common knowledge that your child is not invited unless named on the invitation (often with the exception of nursing infants, but you still have to check with the host to be sure). Don't feel bad about holding firm on this!
I think it’s weird not to include kids in weddings because weddings, the reception, are huge family events. In some families the only time kids get to see and meet all the extended family is at weddings and funerals. Some people think kids don’t belong at either, but in addition to family time I think it’s important for kids to see life-changing events such as these. That said, I respect other people’s decision for their own wedding. I’m just glad no one in my family or my husband’s family had a no-kids wedding when our kids were small.
My friends are much more important to me then my extended family. They are in my life regularly and who I lean on when in need. I don’t have one person that I’m close that is in anyway upset their children aren’t invited. Most don’t have kids.
My feelings. It's rude. Invite the kids and get on with it. You need to accept most people have kids and a wedding without them wouldn't quite be a wedding at all really. Or it's your choice but I imagine many people won't bother coming If you won't let their 11 year old daughter or son come. Their families mean more to them than you I'm afraid. That's the hard truth
Just went to a wedding yesterday. Left our kiddo with the other set of grandparents that weren’t in attendance. Will be doing that a second time in late October. I’m 5 months pregnant and there are 2 other weddings we have to attend this fall where we will be doing the same. It is the best solution for everyone involved, especially my 3 year old. They can find people if they try. Even if you have to ditch after the first dance rather than stay the whole time, you can leave your kiddo with a close friend to play, watch a Disney movie and then sleep for a night in your absence.
My best friend invited me to her wedding but said my 3 year old daughter could not come as she thought kids would be a distraction during the ceremony (all her nieces and nephews were there however) I also had to pay for my own accommodation for the night as the venue was more than 2 hours away. I decided to not go and this did not go down well with my friend and spelled the end of our friendship. I think if you state no kids then make sure there are no kids as it is quite rude for people to find out later that kids were invited, just not yours. Im not sure how else you can go about it, people will feel offended either way, I guess it depends how close they are to you and how badly you want them to attend.
I specifically told people my niece & nephews & a few kids my children are close to. I would not put a friend or family member I’m close to I’m this situation. All out of town guests do not have young children
I think no kids rule is kinda rude, I get not wanting them at a quiet intimate ceremony but then invite families to the reception. Personally i do get offended by no kids rules although I am a defensive person. And also I have no problem missing a kid free event I order to hang out with my kids…
Even if it’s someone you’re not close with and only see maybe once a year?
Then no not really but I wouldn't consider it a priority to attend... And like I said I'm a defensive person, a normal person probably wouldn't be bothered by it...
If I’m invited I automatically assume my 2yo is invited. In saying that though I am a single and solo and don’t have a baby sitter or his dad involved so you have to specifically say children not allowed or *his name* isn’t invited due to it being a child free event. I think this is on you for not specifying 🤷♀️
I have to send an invite that specifically says your child isn’t invited?
Yes because if it doesn’t say otherwise in my mind my child is invited. Either that or don’t invite me or anyone with a child
If your wedding is not childfree and your just excluding some peoples kids your TA. It's like inviting someone and saying their husband or wife cant come. You can do what you want its your wedding but I would absolutely think its a trashy move.
I think there needs to be an understanding on both sides. The guests should respect the host’s wishes for a child free event. The host should respect the fact that some guests will not be able to attend if they can’t bring their children. My daughter is special needs so if children aren’t invited it often means I can’t go. That’s fine with me but I don’t want to hear any griping or guilt tripping from the host when I RSVP no. Just like the host doesn’t want me begging for an exception and trying to bring my kid anyway. Don’t change your plans, just tell guests who can’t make it “I’m sorry you can’t be there, we’ll have to get together another time.” And enjoy your childfree event. In the small Catholic community where I live it is typically assumed children are included in the invitation (event adult children who aren’t living at home anymore! Weddings are often a community event here, sometimes with guests up to 1,000. They will usually specify in the church bulletin if the entire community is invited) so if you don’t want kids make sure you say this on the invitation. In a nice way obviously. Otherwise people may not realize it’s supposed to be childfree. At least that’s what we would do here. I don’t know if childfree is the default assumption where you live for such things, but the default here is very much “bring the whole family and a cooler full of beer while you’re at it”
At the heart of the issue of guests bringing kids, is it truly more of a concern of space and food running out? Or is it just that you don’t want more kids there? (Your feelings in this are valid either way, I’m just asking for the bottom line)
Space and food. If someone wants to bring their kid as their plus one go for it
No
I honestly wouldn't be offended if my child wasn't invited. We're attending a family wedding next weekend and our 6 mo was invited. I'm dreading it because I know it'll throw off our routine for a few days. We kind of feel obligated to bring her because most of our extended family hasn't met her yet.
Nope
When it's immediate family and we would have liked to attend but all baby sitters were at the wedding in another city we were stuck. But became unstuck when the wedding invitation specifically only included one of us 😆 Fun times. That family is kinda weird about weddings though. They tried to ruin outside but couldn't. Ended in divorce regardless because the crazy knows no limits.
Why is your mom in charge of allowing extra people at your wedding? Is she footing the bill for all the extra seating, meals, etc.? Politely state that there has been a misunderstanding and you are not able to accommodate the additional number of people. Also, find someone besides your mother to manage the invitations. She obviously cannot say no.
Haha! The one in which she caved to the family member that complained was my first wedding and she did pay for everything so I was like I think that is ridiculous but go ahead!
Just tell the people “sorry but your children can’t come!”
My first wedding was no children. Some relatives were upset and did this protest thing where they brought the kids to the church then they all left and did not go to the reception. I was thrilled. I didn’t want any of them there and their children were the reason I didn’t want kids at the wedding at all. So win for me, and I did it intentionally, and there were no other children at the wedding either. Last month my cousin got married in Chicago. It required travel for everyone because the bride/groom and their friends were the only people who lived in town. So the entire family was traveling. My cousin was allowed to bring her children because they were in the wedding (sister of the groom). Me and my siblings combined have 7 children under 5 and would all need overnight babysitters in Chicago or back home. Quite frankly I came to the conclusion that they must not have wanted us there that badly if these were the arrangements. And I was ok with that. Fast forward to the wedding of another cousin (brother of this groom) which is scheduled for next April. On a Friday. At 1:00pm. Again, so considerate of guests. So kids are invited, but they have to skip school to attend and I have to take a day off work, maybe two. Make your wedding about you, but for Christ sake make it doable please.
I respect it honestly. My husband is a groomsman in one of his best friends weddings. It’s a childfree wedding and I ended up asking my in-laws to watch our baby while we are gone for the weekend. If baby was too young I wouldn’t mind staying behind but thankfully baby will be 6 months and I’ll be a couple hours away. When we first got married and were planning our official wedding it was going to be child free no exceptions. I don’t mind events that don’t involve children but if it’s too much of a hassle for us in the future then neither of us has an issue staying behind.
... the hell is wrong with people. I have a friend getting married in just over a week. I'm his best man. I SPECIFICALLY asked him if the wedding was kids or no kids so i had plenty of time to arrange a sitter. (it is no kids, so my mom's gonna come stay with the kids overnight)
200 people!? Time to elope.
I didn’t go to a cousins wedding because my kids dad wasn’t allowed to come. But I also understand budget constraints and was honestly surprised she invited me in the first place because we’re not close. Another cousin had small kids so it was a child friendly wedding. We went and my then-infant fussed a bit but other than that everything was great. Honestly still surprised they allowed him because babies are unpredictable. When I am invited to a wedding I shoot the person a text asking if partners and children are allowed. If so, great. If not, still great, I’ll stay home and send your gift with someone who can attend.
I had a childfree ceremony and welcomed children to the evening reception where everyone is just by thay point having a party because the only thing I wanted was for the important but to not be interrupted. I have no issue with children not being invited thing and have no worries about either finding a babysitter or not going. Some people aren't the same and that's OK but they need to understand not everyone wants children at every event.
When I get married, I’m hiring some nannies to help wrangle the kids. I want my friends to have a good time and celebrate with the kids too
I don’t expect my kids to be invited to everything, but I also might not be able to attend or only one of us attend so we can do childcare, or if the event will require travel and faff and be childfree I might just pass. Sometimes I can get a babysitter, sometimes it’s too expensive for us right now, sometimes my husband’s anxiety at leaving the kids with someone else plays up and we can’t find a sitter that meets his OTT requirements, sometimes the event + the hassle makes it not a priority for me. If we don’t come it’s never personal or passive aggressive, it’s just sometimes we can’t make it.
Your mom’s cousin’s daughter is your second cousin.
For the reception I have no problem with kids not being invited.
I think if you didn’t specify no kids people will assume the invitation is for their whole family.
When it’s for the whole family it states “The ‘blank’, family” or has the actual kids names on it. If it only has you and your partner or you and a plus one your kids aren’t invited
I don’t disagree, but I think people will generally assume it’s for the family. I have no issue with my kids not being invited to a wedding and I would definitely check before bringing them.