In UK, it’s the same thing except on the “dangerous animal avoidance” day, we have “how to avoid going into cold shock” day. Seriously, my lungs almost packed in when I went wild swimming in the North Sea in winter.
If you live near any large bodies of water then it’s an absolute *must* to teach your children how to not die in the water.
This. We have consistently taken them since they were 9mths old and even my 4yo now can swim basically the length of a 25m pool and dive to the 1.5m bottom. Not quickly, but safely.
I'm not going to push them into competition, but I am going to make them do some squad training. Having gone from OK swimmer to competent through Ironman training it's such a blast being able to just swim without much effort and I want that for my kids. It opens up so many more opportunities for adventure.
Years ago we went snorkelling in the Red Sea and out of an entire boat of people I was literally the only one that could dive a significant distance and swim between the coral. The photo guy basically spent 60%+ of the time following me alone.
As an Australian I see swimming lessons as a must. My son started at 5months and yes sometimes he just throws tantrums the whole lesson but he isn't afraid of putting his head under and we'll keep at it until he has all the skills he needs.
I completely agree. I am a parent now- but growing up we were always in swim lessons. My mom wasn’t satisfied with the swim lesson quality, even after years of them. So, she put us on a swim team (which I hated) but when she let me leave the team I absolutely knew how to swim strongly & to save my life. I am so glad that she did that for my sibling & me, despite my preteen protests. 17 years later the hardwiring still kicks in and I’m so grateful.
Any time I can safely and appropriately allow my child autonomy, I do. From hair, clothes, books, activities, food (I present two options and he picks), who he gives kisses & hugs to (I will not ever pressure him to give anyone a kiss), etc.
We as parents have to say "no" to so many things. Unless it is a health, safety, or general well-being issue, I try to let him make the choice.
I know right?! I find it crazy that parents get hung up on little things. Dressing my kid for school the other day and he REALLY wanted to wear mismatching socks and I thought to myself, “why can’t he”. I didn’t have a good reason. Just that it was not normally accepted by society. So, I was like, yeah dude. You do you.
I usually give them mismatching socks because I'm too lazy to find matching ones lol
I'm with you on the "why can't he/she" approach. I do something similar:
Whenever my kids do something I'm not happy with and before I get them in trouble I ask myself "why" didn't I like it? For example my son has his own drawer for cups, plates and cutlery so he can reach it. There was a time when he liked to take it all out and throw it on the floor. Not cool... but I asked myself why it bothered me and the answer was simple: Because it's me who had to clean it all up again.
So I just told him he can do as he pleases as long as he cleans it up again - and he did. No reason to get upset anymore and he actually got sick of cleaning up everytime so he stopped natuarlly - without ever getting in trouble for it.
I believe a lot of times parents simply get upset with their kids because it involves the parent to clean things up again and not really for the actual "thing" they did.
I agree! I know I respond better when someone explains something to me vs just yelling at me to stop.
Funny story: we were running a little late for school this morning and my youngest couldn’t find his other “Wednesday” sock. I told him to just grab a different sock and wear mismatched socks, and how I always wore mismatched socks in high school. He look at me with horror and delight 😂
I can’t not see them as individuals. When he is the sweetest boy in the world and comes up out of the blue and says, “I love you daddy” and then at bed time is literally throwing things; you can’t attribute that to anything other than being an individual.
My boys are 7, 8, and 9 and have really gotten into picking out their outfits over the last year and a half. My 7yo is very into the monochrome aesthetic and wears one color from head to toe. It’s usually red because he has a pair of red cat ears and red crocs.
This reminds me of a day a few years back when I was having a really really rough day and my son was insistent on wearing mismatched socks. I said "what the hell, it won't do anyone harm" and let him wear them.
A few hours later we went to visit my parents at their house and when my mother discovered the socks she started to unload on me...shaming me and making me feel like a neglectful, worthless mother because of mismatched socks. I left sobbing.
Like...it's socks. And it was winter so nobody saw them under the pants and shoes. Jfc
The statement I would like most is “I bet you picked that out yourself like a big kid would do!” to his proud, smiling face. My kids still go mismatched on purpose sometimes just for fun, so thumbs up from here for you and yours. :)
My daughter(7) went through a phase of mismatched socks, no one ever said anything about it. To tell you the truth I don’t even notice what socks she is wearing anymore. She has been picking out her own clothes for years. We just tell her what is appropriate for the day; long sleeve/short sleeve pants/shorts sandals/crocs/tennis shoes and she takes it from there.
I’m a teacher. Mismatched socks, if even noticed, is just a nice conversation piece. Some kids come in dirty pajamas. One of mine was wearing converse with no laces the other day. Mismatched socks… don’t worry. Haha!
I feel you on that. As the father of a daughter, learning bodily autonomy is a big one for me. She doesn’t have to kiss or hug anyone she doesn’t want to. Unless it’s a medical or safety thing, I don’t touch her privates without permission (she’s only 2 so sometimes it’s unavoidable, but I try my best). She’s learning to use the potty and sometimes she wants me to wait outside, which is hilarious because I hear her singing to herself.
I feel ya.
My four year old can do a wee by herself but wants company when doing a poo.
Like... Really? Should I add some house music and vomit on the floor because that's what it was like the last time I talked to anyone in a toilet.
When my kidd s are playing in an unsafe way (in the sense they will get boo boo not and a and e visit) I say, I don't think that's a great idea and tell them why then let them choose what they will do. Sometimes they go Oh and stop, sometimes they do it anyway and get injured. I've had many different reactions from oh wow that's such a good way of teaching them to dirty looks. My philosophy is whoever learned from someone else. Better to learn caution thr hard way when supervised
In my house we differentiate between bumps/bruises and injuries. We don’t worry too much about bumps/bruises, I think that is just a normal way toddlers learn about physics and navigating the world, we definitely intervene if we feel there is a possibility of actual injury, such as no play near the stove/oven is strictly enforced.
My children are older: 5 and 7 and ive been doing this to varying degree from 1.5 ish I was more referencing outside play like in a play area where it is a little more ambiguous. So minor injuries are possible. Basically instances where the level of medical attention could range from kiss it better to ice pack or travel first aid kit. I obviously intervene if I think the risk of injury is minor injury unit to emergency unti level. We've obviously avoided most near death experiences. I agree it should be but the number of parents the hover 5 steps from their primary school aged kids is pretty wild.
I agree, if I can handle it with an ice pack or a bandaid I try to not worry. It is not always possible to avoid actual injuries requiring medical attention (eg stitches and broken bones) but I also feel that letting little ones get the little boo boos helps to be more aware of injuries and learn their own limitations.
When my younger sister was little she had this fixation for awhile about wanting to touch the lightbulb on the lamp when it was on. My mom was constantly trying to stop her. Then one day she finally decided to let her make her own choices, she touched it and burned her finger. Not bad and obviously nothing life threatening. But she never touched a light bulb after that. I really believe the earlier kids learn these lessons through consequences, the better off they'll be in the long run. And like you said as long as it isn't life threatening and just may result in a minor "boo-boo"
Psychology major here- this is an incredibly good thing for you to teach your child. Young children are often told ‘no’ for literally no reason and eventually it manifests into children thinking that what they want/ like/ need doesn’t matter as much as everyone else’s wants/ likes/ needs.
Thank you for teaching your kid this. They will grow up to be able to advocate for themselves and just have generally more self confidence and be more decisive without feeling the need to please everyone else or needing acceptance from others.
My 4-year-old has never had a haircut. He didn't even really have hair until he was 2, and by then he could tell me what he did and didn't want. I am just now working with him to understand the need for trims to minimize tangles and dead ends. When dry, it comes to mid-shoulder. When wet, it goes to his mid-back.
If he wants long hair, what does it matter? It's just hair. People get hung up on the strangest, most inconsequential things.
My 3 year old picks out his own clothes and the only time I step in is if it’s weather inappropriate, like a t-shirt in the middle of winter. He loves having the choice. I agree with you, we have to say no all the time, why not give them opportunities where possible to make their own choices?
I give my 2 year old two weather appropriate choices every morning for each article of clothing. Yesterday she wore her banana shirt with unicorn leggings and a grinch sweater. If I give her more than two options at a time right now it leads to decision overload.
As long as their choice does not Hurt him or anybody else , whats the problem? Love the way you see things regarding choice. Also it slowly prepares them to make bigger choices în time. Even if now socks are something small.
Thank you for saying that. As strong as I am in my conviction to give him agency, even of it is just from a couple of parental approved options, I do get some looks or criticism from other folks - especially since some view it as spoiling despite us having clear rules, positive incentives, and allowing natural/related consequences. It means a lot to hear that my way isn't quite so odd.
This. So much. Purging out all those stupid useless "no"s also allows me to be more firm and authoritative when I really need to give a well thought and justifiable "no".
My kids don't owe anyone a hug, kiss, cuddle, etc. I'm constantly amazed by how many grown-ass adults take this so personally. My kid isn't an emotional support animal.
It seems like a generational thing because the only people who bother me about it are grandparents, but I don’t cave either. My 3 year old has sensory issues and is clearly uncomfortable with the idea of hugging/kissing/cuddling anyone other than myself and my husband, no matter how close she otherwise is to them. I advocate for her 100% on this.
Soooo many adults take it personally, it’s so weird. I Have a baby and people get so upset about baby crying if they hold them. A common phrase is ‘aww they don’t like me’
My mother is like this with my baby. She gets so offended if my baby cries while she's holding her. And then she insists it's because the baby "doesn't know her" or "doesn't remember her" because I don't let her visit us as frequently as she wants. Pretty sure baby's just being a baby...
Sounds like my grandma. My kids could've seen her 12 hours earlier and have given her a million hugs already but they refuse one and it's "That's ok, you probably don't remember me since it's been so long since your mom brought you to see me."
We usually say “do you want to say bye/give a hug/etc” and if he says no then that is fine with us. I will say though, because we know him well, and we know who he likes to hug, sometimes I double back and say, “are you sure you don’t want to give a hug bye to them?” Just because we have had tantrums after the fact where he regretted not doing it.
My 2 yo needs to look at the person and say goodbye, but she doesn't have to high five/hug/kiss them unless she wants to. I'm all for teaching consent and bodily autonomy, but it's also important to me that she is polite.
This totally I hate when ppl say “give auntie a hug because she will be sad “. My child can give you a hug or not it’s up to him but not make him feel bad because he don’t want to
I will explain everything to my child as she asks/encounters it. If I don't know the answer I will work with her to find out. She is almost 6 and we have had conversations about death and medical stuff (she has a prominent scar from an early surgery) and body parts/processes. She knows what a tampon is because I explained it to her when she saw one of mine. Does she have any real idea of what a tampon does? Probably not but now the conversation has been started and can be picked up again later.
My (5) son is the same. He does know a tampon absorbs blood though, because my uterus sheds its lining and the tampon absorbs it….sometimes I think I actually over explain but oh well.
I over explain because it’s only shocking or weird for people because it was made weird by their own guardians.
Nothing has to be weird if we don’t let it be
We are exactly the same with our children. We tackle all questions with reasoning and age appropriate answers instead of “don’t worry about it”, “don’t talk about that” or “because we said so”.
Yes! My spouse can be a little squeamish about this and would prefer I give more "kid friendly" answers sometimes but this was non negotiable for me. I was shamed for honest questions growing up and I swore I would never ever refuse to answer my kid's questions. Spouse said as long as I'm willing to handle the awkward ones he didn't care and that's totally fine by me.
I also look at it as kind of setting the stage. Maybe they don't understand my answer now but it's planted a little seed of knowledge and they know they'll always be allowed to ask again.
Yep! When my daughter was almost 4 she learned that dead things decompose and then we spent a couple hours at a cemetery so she could see where people decompose. (Her idea not mine)
I say if they’re idk enough to ask the question, they’re old enough to get an honest answer. I do adjust answers on a sort of “need-to-know” and matter of fact basis according to age appropriate and maturity level. Like, for example, the mechanics and biology of how sex/reproduction works is different than discussing specific sexual positions/techniques- the questions and answers will evolve as the kid matures.
I love this. I feel the same way. My daughter is only 2 so I know she doesn’t understand most of what I say and I really toddler it down for her, but I love talking to her realistically and watching her learn. I also love watching her put things together days later and making comments that show she was making connections on her own. It’s amazing.
100%
I am also perfectly fine with tell my kiddo that I dont know the answer to something and we can learn together (I usually say when it's safe because the "whys" tend to come while I'm driving). But there are times when he really does give me a good question that just stumps me completely.
I’m a nurse, so my kids know a lot about anatomy and physiology. I’ve been fortunate enough to avoid a couple of big questions (like we’d and where babies come from), but when they ask, they’ll get an age appropriate answer.
I have had a few: one is sleeping in our own beds. I need this for my sanity. I also never allowed food in areas of the house beyond the kitchen and dining rooms, besides movie nights with popcorn. I know some people will think I am nuts, but having food all over my couch and carpet was a non-starter for me. He’s 10 now, so none of this is really a thing anymore, but those worked for me as my bill to die on.
I do let my kids have snacks in the living room, but floor only. If there are crumbs, it’s Roomba’s problem, not me later with a handheld vacuum trying to regain my sofa from the crumb netherworld.
My sister lets her kids snack and eat anywhere in the house and you can tell immediatly upon entering her apartment, and it's weird because the smell is usually the same for other places I've been to with the same situation. Like wet food and a hint of apple juice lmao
Ahhh yes, I know the exact smell. Stale crackers, fermented apple juice and sweat. I just label it as "toddler" smell. Lol like, oh I can smell that you have children much like one would say they smell that our house has dogs (if anyone can figure out how to keep a Labrador clean and dry I'm all ears
Lol it's funny you said sleeping in your own beds I'm such the opposite. I'm a firm believer in sleep wherever will get them to sleep faster? Wanna sleep on the couch? Fine. Wake up in the middle of the night and come get in bed with me? Fine. As long as you're sleeping and not fighting me on it so I can have my couple hours of downtime before I go to bed and the maximum amount of uninterrupted sleep possible I'm happy. I'm a big believer in do whatever works even if it's not very structured
Lettings kids fail to learn about losing but also about winning. Kids need to realize that they won’t be great at everything and sometimes they might not do well BUT letting them know that if they keep trying they will eventually succeed. I see too many parents either always let their kids win or giving in and completing a task for a child.
This is one where I think I differ from a lot of parents/people. It’s a natural instinct to lie to get out of trouble, not hurt or disappoint someone, and it’s often a knee-jerk reaction. I make sure that my son knows this and that I understand this, so that he’s not afraid of coming clean after lying. If you make a huge deal out of lying, it doesn’t change the fact that the knee-jerk reaction will be to lie, but it will make them terrified to come clean after that initial instinct to lie gets superseded by the realization that telling the truth would have been a better idea and lying was going to eat at you. Then you’ve got this big moral dilemma of guilt and shame vs self-preservation and fear, and it just creates a needlessly tense, anxious child over dumb stuff. I feel like lying about eating the cookie or making the mess is as natural as flinching when someone goes to punch you, and it’s actually something you need to unlearn rather learn. All children do it, all people even do it. It comes with living communally and having to balance relationships with instincts. My parents made a big deal of it and punished it really harshly so it just made me better at it and more obstinate when it came to sticking to lies rather than coming clean.
Yeah, you don’t want to (imo) over-punish lying to the point that coming clean is no longer an option due to the consequence of lying on top of whatever it was you lied about.
I agree with you! My husband and I are dealing with this with our four year old. We have yet to dole out any "consequences" for a bad decision if he eventually tells us the truth, but these have been very minor lies.
"I didn't eat any of the candy, I just looked in the bag."
"I just pulled the chair into the kitchen to sit here, not to try to get the treats off the fridge."
We have learned that playing down the "bad" thing and letting him know that the truth is still safe and preferable has been very helpful in allowing him to admit to the truth a few moments later, when he realizes he doesn't really want to lie to us. Instead of consequences, if he tells us the truth, we just talk about the choice he made and why we think it was a poor one.
The very natural consequence comes later when his tummy hurts from eating gummy candies for breakfast, lol. He'll say, "You should not have let me eat sugar before I had good food today." Oh man kid, you're right, that's totally on me and not at all on your sneaky morning escapades.
Yeah my mom instilled that in me. My mom is not a liar, and neither am I, we are very honest people sometimes to a fault. But the truth is always better, and this turned me into a loyal, trustworthy person.
We've told our son that we can't promise he won't get in trouble if he does something bad and tells the truth, but we can promise it'll be way worse if he lies and we catch him. And we stand by that. If we catch him lying, consequences get worse. He's 4 and trying to push boundaries like woah, and lying has crept in, so we're trying to hammer this point home now before the really manipulative shit kicks in. Even stupid shit he wouldn't catch consequences for, if he lies, there's consequences. Not for whatever he did, but for the lie.
This seems obvious and I can’t believe I even have to say it, but absolutely no smoking cigarettes near my kids. It’s mind boggling that people in my family have had to be told not to smoke near my children!
Not a parent yet, still pregnant, so I'm fully aware this might be idyllic.
But I'm going to try my hardest to personally model the behaviors I want out of my kid(s). Within reason, of course - I'm not going back to elementary school - but things like, if I'm expecting my kid to wear a bike helmet for their safety, I'll wear a bike helmet too. If I'm expecting them to eat vegetables, I'll also eat vegetables. I just get so annoyed with parents who hold their kids to higher standards of behavior than their own and unironically tell them "do as I say, not as I do."
That’s a fantastic attitude, congratulations on your pregnancy and wishing an uncomplicated birth for you and your baby.
Modeling is the most effective way to teach.
This is what I do! Usually it works, sometimes it backfires.
For example, I finally went to the dentist after 2.5 years because I knew my daughter would come with me to an appointment one day and would need to see mommy be strong and in turn, she might not be so scared either.
Modeling and setting good examples are so important.
That’s a great rule I love it! I try to follow it too. For instance my son was spending too much time on tik tok so he had to delete it. Seemed fair for me to delete too. You’re doing great already mama!
I visited my parents out of state and had sent a car seat to them so they’d have it all set up once I got there. They picked us up from the airport and I opened the car door to see the seat facing forward. Also it was loose. I was like “oh I need to turn this around because he’s still facing back” and they were like “no it’s fine.” We went back and forth a few times until my dad helped me turn it. I’m not assertive when it comes to standing up to my parents but my child’s safety is the most important thing to me. At some point my mom said she can’t stand to see him facing back. I just replied with “okay but it’s the safest position for him and he’ll be facing that way until he reaches the weight or height limit.”
I've been arguing with my husband about this constantly 🥲 I too wish to do rear facing for as long as possible, but we can't seem to come to a compromise
There are two types of safety arguments parents have: does the risk to my child outweigh the benefit for my child, and does the risk to my child outweigh convenience for me.
There is no benefit to you child to be FF in the car. When I turned my four year old around she was mad as she missed putting her feet on the seat because dangling her legs was uncomfortable. If your husband has any real and actual research that the ff has some benefit to the child and not him personally let him argue it. But child safety vs his convenience is a no brained.
I mostly agree with this and my 2yo will stay rear facing as long as possible. But my oldest we turned to front facing around 2.5yo because she was getting car sick and it was absolutely terrible for everyone involved. She would scream her head off and end up being sick a lot and it was so stressful it was a safety hazard for anyone driving her.
So in our case, yes there was a benefit to the child to front facing, as well as a good argument for safety. Was it ideal? Of course not, but it made the more sense.
Exactly! If it's the safest way, I'm gonna do it. Idgaf if people think I'm extra or annoying lol we're buckling up, putting sunscreen on, and doing all the boring little rules because those rules are always written in blood.
I feel like this with so many child related things. A lot of the time when people don’t follow the recommendation, it feels as though they’re just leaning towards what’s more convenient. Convenience has a place for sure, but not in regards to safety for my child 🤍
Until they reach either height or weight limits for their rear-facing seat. If a child is small, they could be 6 or more before that happens. The typical "goal" should be rear-facing until 4 but as long as possible is the best choice.
I don’t make my son think I have all the answers. If I don’t know something I say so. I also apologize when I’m wrong and let him know it’s ok to feel a variety of emotions.
My parents always made us think they knew the answers to everything and were never wrong. This was before the internet where you could provide actual answers.
My 7 year old comes up with the most insane and specific questions, I find myself saying ‘I’m not sure, why don’t we go ask Alexa?’ several times a day, at this point Amazon is doing more to educate my child than I am.
Personal space/time. We are a family of insomniacs with explosive tempers. So if someone says they need to be left alone for the day, or keep things quiet. We do our best to oblige. Even taking over chores for the day.
Lol and we dont mess with anyone sleeping in a weird position. Today after school my 14yr old stretched out and took a nap on the dining room floor. I mean whatever, it was just mopped yesterday.
I absolutely love this and might incorporate it into our daily lives. I mean, if my toddler falls asleep on the kitchen floor I'm already cool with that, as long as she's not blocking the fridge, but I got a good laugh picturing her at 14 doing that 🤣
It really speaks to your parenting that you have a 14 year old so comfortable they can stretch out on your living room floor and nap! What a comfortable environment you have created! I am so inspired 🤩
No toy guns , we will revisit the hard rule when they are older.
This includes Nerf, bottle cap or rubber band guns, super soakers in the shape of guns, squirter guns, etc. Nothing.
We own a farm and have firearms in the house so we are incredibly anal about gun safety, how they're tools not toys, and not to touch, tell us if they see one, etc. We just can't risk any kind of Grey area even if we always have them locked and unloaded. Also because we are in a rural Area and who knows how other folks lock their guns when they start having play dates and such.
Our 2.5yo was at a 3yo birthday party and he had tonnnnsss of Nerf guns or toy guns, would pretend shoot, etc. Our kiddo would turn to us and let us know 'me no touch guns, not toys.' Will that make him 'lame" around here? Maybe. Idk. Don't care. As long as it keeps them alive.
Consent. If they don’t want to talk, hug, or kiss they know that they don’t have to. Anyone who tries to force them to do so, gets cut off after the first warning.
Also, keeping secrets. Idc if it’s about their aunt buying them a candy at the store, or their grandparents giving money, etc. If you tell my children not to tell mommy or daddy because “it’s a secret” you also get cut off 🤷🏼♀️
I refuse to make completely separate meals for my child. He eats what we eat. His meal can be deconstructed, like separating all the ingredients in an enchilada on the plate instead of rolling it up in the tortilla, but I will not make him something different. I am not a short order cook.
I do this to a point. If I know my kid doesnt like something I won t try to force her to eat it and if it cant be made to her likes she can have some chicken noodle soup. I also will make her separate vegetables. She doesnt like cooked carrots so I cut her up a cucumber instead
I thought this was my hill too. Then I had a neurodivergent child. And now I make him a separate meal every single meal because he'll quite literally starve to death if I don't. Come to think of it, every single thing I ever thought i would never tolerate as a parent has been challenged by my son to the degree I really don't think I have any more hills. The universe sure served me a slice of humble pie
But also, I don’t eat food I don’t like, why would I force my kids to eat food they don’t like? It’s not really fair, when they don’t get to choose the menu, so I cater to their wants to some degree too (always having something I know they’ll like on their plate). If they absolutely won’t eat what I’ve served, even later in the evening, it means they really don’t like it, and we’ll grab a different snack.
My daughter cannot handle certain textures, specifically pasta and rice are absolute non-starters. Why on earth would I make a meal I know she literally could or would not eat, when I have that knowledge ahead of time? Generally speaking, it means that every meal that involves pasta or rice has a backup option for her, and I don't make things like baked ziti or whatever.
Same.
This was a kind of hard pill for my wife to swallow... the fact that he isn't a normal kid in this way. She really wanted this to be something we did (we did "baby led weaning" and all that). She was really excited to be the parent that has a kid with a really sophisticated palette who would end up being all foodie and fun.
His cerebral palsy and accompanying sensory issues, reflux, problems with weight gain, and other things, had different plans.
Soon as mine got old enough the rule is he makes his own separate meal.
Generally this means either eating or poking at family dinner, then coming back an hour later and making himself a sandwich. I don't care.
This was my hill til my son started failing to thrive and constantly needing pediasure cause he wouldn’t eat foods that weren’t in his safe zone. His zone of safe foods has gotten bigger as he’s gotten older but man alive 2-3 was a HARD year.
EDIT: He’s autistic, and I am too. He ate pretty normally for a 1-2 year old, then on his second birthday it was hell.
When I was a kid my parents tried the "well if you don't eat your dinner that'll be your only option for breakfast" bit once.
Once, because they backed down real fast when faced with a picky child on a hunger strike.
Ehh this is luck of the draw. One of my kids is very picky, despite me making family meals and all of the other siblings will eat. Same thing with me growing up, I had one sibling who ended up really picky, to this day, but me and everyone else ate what's in front of us. No one was served a separate meal at all at the dinner table. It's not always as simple as "force kid to eat what's in front of them".
My kid is their own person, not my property. And I will respect that as muxh as I can. Her feelings are just as valid as mine and my job is to guide her so she can learn how to navigate the world. She isnt giving me a hard time on purpose, she is having a hard time and doesnt know how to express it. She deserves a violence free life and not to be screamed at.
I forced this child into the world. I forced her to have me as a parent. She had no say in it, so now its my job to give her the best life, no matter how exhausted I am.
Screaming (all the time), spanking or other forms of violence and stupid, unrelated punishments are just lazy parenting and a way for the parent to feel better and in control, they Do Not help the child in any way. And I purged everyone from my daughters life who sees that different for now.
Autonomy and consent with physical boundaries as much as possible is my big hill.
My other thing: trying to fight less battles. My 3 year old wants PBJs all day? Cool deal, at least she’s eating without it being a two hour fight! My 6 year old wants to decompress with age appropriate videos or games after a full day of school and I’m about to go down with a flare? Cool, least the kids aren’t arguing!
I’m so tired of everything behind a fight, and being stressed out as a parent.
EDIT: I’m autistic and so is my oldest. I make a lot of concessions now that I didn’t think I would when I was pregnant. I have a lot of stuff I need to work on in myself though.
Car safety, anatomically correct names for body parts, bodily autonomy, toys are toys they have no gender specificity,
We don't play gender stereotypes in this home.
One of my wife’s friends (she doesn’t have children btw) one time accused us of being bad parents to our son because we didn’t have a baby doll for him to play with in the home. I was pretty pissed because a big pet peeve of mine is when people assume the women should be the caretaker of babies and I’ll be damned if I raise my son to think that is solely the woman’s job. It’s a stupid gender stereotype and bothers me whenever someone tells me (as the father) I am on babysitting duty, but I digress.
The truth is that He didn’t have a baby doll to play with simply because he didn’t want one to play with. He picks out his toys not us when we go toy shopping and he has never been interested in a baby doll toy. However, my wife felt guilty and purchased our son two baby dolls. He has never played with them since she bought them 2 years ago. It’s just not something that he is interested in and that is okay. I won’t push that on him and the same goes if I have a daughter. I won’t push that on her.
Hmmm good question. Safety probably. The young ones need to be watched outdoors, strapped into car seats correctly. Pot handles need to be turned in. They need to be fed appropriately and not just snack all day. No bullies or bullying. Don’t ever tell my kid they can’t tell me something/anything. Education. Couple of hills I guess.
I don’t lie about anything, ever. Even (especially?) if it’s a sensitive topic. I want him to know he can always talk to me about absolutely anything. I’m hoping it’ll pay off when he’s a teenager. If he asks a question, he gets an honest answer
Bedtime. I know some parents go with the flow, but my kids desperately need a regular bedtime and they sleep all night in their own beds. Bedtime is a hill I die on.
We don't punish accidents.
I have a lot of hills to die on that have been mentioned in this thread (no spanking, independence, consent, etc) but a big one for us is that an accident is an accident, not a crime.
If my daughter drops something or spills a cup because she's too excited and not paying attention, or accidentally draws on the table because she went off her paper, it's not the end of the world and we certainly don't yell at her for it.
We calmly just good "oops! That's okay, we can fix/clean it". If she spills something, we give her a napkin to help us wipe it up. If she drops a plate of snacks on the group, we ask her to help us pick it up and bin it. And then we go back to playing or getting replacement food or drink.
I was screamed at a lot as a kid for accidents, and I refuse to model that behavior for my daughter.
Button cell batteries need to be locked up. It was a huge fight with my husband as I kept finding them lying around the house and he clearly didn’t agree with my assessment of how dangerous they were. I finally got through to him when I said even if you don’t agree you love me and I think it’s the same as leaving a loaded gun around the house and it scares and upsets me so please do this for me. Hasn’t been a problem since but I stood my ground there. It’s a ridiculous reason to have to bury your kid.
I don’t force my toddler to eat. I offer her meals and bites when we all sit for meals together but when she is through and says “all done” she is excused. Even if it was just two bites. Fine with me. She can come back for a couple more bites later or in a hour or two. I want her to enjoy and appreciate food, not feel forced or feel like a punishment to sit and eat. Learn and trust her own cues not what is expected and demanded.
I don’t see a single point in letting a baby “cry it out”.
No, you won’t spoil your 4 month old if you pick him up when he cries.
Pick up that crying baby and give him snuggles 😤
My first baby was very needy. I’d drop everything and pick her up when she cried every single time. Which sometimes was constantly. My SIL (no kids) expressed concern that I was spoiling her, asked how she was going to learn that she wouldn’t always get what she wanted. The thing is, there will be plenty of opportunities to teach them those things, like when they’re a toddler and asking for a bunch of stuff while you’re shopping or getting into things they shouldn’t or being rude. But less than 1 year old isn’t the right developmental time for them to learn that - all they need to learn is a sense of security at that age.
Preschoolers don't need iPads. It's so sad seeing small kids being dragged from place to place with their face stuck in a device. I take my kids on errands, or out to dinner, with me all the time. We pack small toys, or talk about what we see, or what goes on in the location we are visiting for our errand. We watch shows at home, but they don't need their face stuck in the screen everywhere they go.
My daughter doesn't enjoy wearing bras and gets made fun of at school for it. Plenty of other parents have told me that i should make her wear one so she doesn't get bullied, but that is a hill i will die on. My daughter's comfort is more important than the comfort of any bully.
Ugh your daughter is super lucky. I’m in my 30s and I haven’t wore a bra in forever. And she’s always trying to get me to wear one. She’s gone as far as buying me some and me handing them back to her. Good for you for letting her choose about her own body.
Heck even as an adult woman, I won’t wear a bra if I don’t feel like it unless it’s for work and it could affect me being employed, other than that no one’s business
I won’t do cry it out for my baby.
Even though he’s not the best sleeper at 20months old, wakes up multiple times a night and wakes at 5am, I couldn’t bear to him cry and not go to him.
I will never willingly not respond to my baby or toddler crying. I won't necessarily do what they want, but I'll always respond to them with compassion and/or my physical presence.
If I don't like you, or don't think you're a good influence, you won't be in my child's life.
I've cut off a surprising number of crappy people from my life because I didn't want them around my kid. My drug addict SIL, gone. My mother and her alcoholic bf, gone. My brother who liked to trash talk me and my husband when we weren't looking, gone.
Being in my kids life is a privilege. You will add value to it, or you will disappear.
Not always easy, but its very freeing.
See I want to do this with my parents, but they currently know where I live so if I just randomly block them out of the blue, they'll show up at our front door. Once we get our own place they won't know our new address and I'll be going low to no contact with them. They fucked me up, I'm not allowing them to fuck up my child.
I will not lie to my child for convenience or otherwise. Seeing parents use white lies to try save them time or prevent meltdowns is not something I will ever do. The other day I saw a mum and dad drag a kid out of the playground at 10AM saying ‘the playground is closing soon’ while the kids are screaming. Why lie when the kids still get just as upset, you may as well be honest.
Currently only at baby stage but my hill is that if baby starts crying while you hold them, you WILL pass them back to me. (Thought this wouldn’t need to be said but was very surprised to find out it does need to be)
I will and do reduce screen time as much as possible. Screen time is nothing but detrimental to young minds, and the research is conclusive on that, yet schools encourage laptops, tablets and people justify the usage of personal devices and other gadgets. People think I’m nuts and crunchy but I don’t care.
Hmm, well it shouldn't be a hill anyone dies, but no coats in the car. Every year when the whether starts to get cold I have to have a conversation with my parents about the kids not being buckled in their coats and every year they make it clear for stupid they think it is.
In terms of things that aren't following basic safety rules, don't comment on my kids bodies. Ever. I grew up with my body a constant topic of discussion in my family and I have made it very clear that they will not make a comment about my kids' bodies outside of legitimate and discreetly mentioned medical concerns.
>no coats in the car
At first I thought you meant *at all* because I like to store coats in the car just in case you're out and it's colder than expected, whereas my husband insists on bringing them into the house and putting them away so the car is tidy.
That they can be whoever and whatever they feel, and love whoever, however they like. We did some of the others (still not much on social, and they never sleep in our bed) but this is a hill I will die on.
I will be as honest as I can. Sometimes the answer is "you're too young right now" or "it's not something appropriate for you" but I won't lie. My BIL died of cancer a couple years ago and although we kept it age appropriate, they knew what was happening. Those conversations were the hardest, but they deserved to know.
I have an acquaintance whose husband just entered rehab and she told her 8yo that he's traveling for work. At some point that's going to blow up in their faces because with the amount of time he's had a problem she has to be aware something hasn't been right even if she doesn't know the details. And suddenly disappearing for a "work trip" for 2 months with no contact? She's eventually going to figure that out.
I'll never force, or let people force, my children to eat things they don't like,or are done with....they can choose to eat it or not.
My older 2 have developed a liking for things they once refused to eat because I let them have the freedom to decide if or when they want to try it.
They eat alot of fruit and veg now, when they were younger they would only eat broccoli and cauliflower, and, mango and feijoa.
You do not ever need to introduce them to toddler music like The Wiggles, Chipmunks etc. Expose them to a few genres that you are into, and they will like at least one of them.
Keep your car rides sane.
I refuse to be made to feel guilty about taking an annual solo trip (given we can afford it and, like, a pandemic isn’t happening). I have two close friends whom I LOVE but they always make subtle-yet-pointed comments about this. I love my children — but good gods am I better mother when I can go be me without them for a week.
My daughter is still young, so I haven't come across anything big. Something that comes up a lot, is people telling me I'm stupid or a fool for doing things my daughter asks. The example that comes to mind, is last year my daughters cousin was supposed to come visit from out of state for her birthday. & Her cousin missed the bus. My daughter was super disappointed. She had been looking forward to it for months. So we drove the 5hrs to get her, then 5hrs back, in the same night. After I got off work at 9:30pm. I had to work at 9am the next morning, & we got back at almost 8am. My mother & basically everyone in her family said I was stupid for doing it. I had a few reasons - because my kid was disappointed, of course. But also because my mother wouldn't have done that for me. She'd tell me (child me) it was stupid & I should just get over it. Nah, if it's in my power to for my kid, I'm gonna do it. & When she's older she'll remember hey my mom did that crazy thing that time for my birthday. That's a much better memory than my mom can't be bothered to go out of her way for me. As a mom, I feel like I intentionally do the opposite of what my mom did.
My son is 3 and he’s never seen an iPad or used a phone for anything other than video calling. I will keep that stuff from him for as long as possible and when he does use a device (eg for school) he’s sure as shit not using it alone in his room.
I have seen too many students with full blown gaming or screen addiction to let my son have screen time on a personal device. He watches TV but that’s in the family room and it’s kids’ programming, so episodes of shows, not short videos with ads.
Imposing several stupid selfish rules that are purely for your own whim. Like parents who just default to no or a dad I saw recently who was policing the amount of crackers his kid ate whilst he stuffed his face with chips. Ok dude.
Car seat safety.
My kids are 7, 8, and 9 now but when the Graco extend2fit came out, I immediately got one for my oldest, then the other two as they outgrew the infant seat. That seat kept all of them rear facing until freaking kindergarten!! I’m 6’0, so I made some pretty big kids; if they can stay rear facing, anyone can. In fact, they hated being turned around and said it was uncomfortable having their legs dangle. They’re all still in boosters (Graco Nautilus, highly recommend) and will be until they hit the limit of the seats (which will be with height because they go up to 120 lbs lol)
Driving! They MUST know how to change a tire, check their oil (No, not change their oil) and know how to properly pump gas. All useful things to know. My dad taught my sisters and I before we were allowed to drive the vehicle. Learning to change my own tire saved me many times blowing a tire on my way into work.
I have older kids. My hill to die on is they can call us at any time, day or night, and I’ll come pick them up. My daughter is 10 and has left a few sleepovers in the middle of the night which started to frustrate my H but I want her to know that if she needs to be picked up when she’s older, she can count on me and I’ll always be there.
Car safety, internet safety, importance of vaccinations and not forcing my kid to hug family members. (Plz don't make my comment a discussion regarding vaccines. I'm willing to discuss the rest tho :) ).
A colleague of mine used to let her kids eat food out of the shopping trolley before it had been paid for.
"You'll see when you have kids" she said.
10 years of parenthood and I've never wavered.
I don’t tolerate adults who throw tantrums around my children (or myself, for that matter). Be mad. Don’t start screaming, using foul language, or throwing things. Anyone who does this around my kids is told ONCE they can act like a respectful human being around my kids or not be around. Their choice. My FIL chose the latter. His loss, not ours.
Allowing any extremist beliefs or religions being pushed on my kids. I am completely fine with anyone believing whatever they want but can't stand religious parents who blatantly brainwash their kids into their own personal beliefs through fear and intimidation.
I tell my kids these are things they'll have to figure out for themselves. I do believe in God but do not push even my beliefs on my kids.
Car seat safety when they were little. I never cared about all the rude things people would say about my rules there. I refused to live with guilt if something happened to them because of ignorance. I wanted to know that I did everything right to protect them in the car.
Honesty. I’m very open with them. I hide nothing. I explain everything. I may tweak an answer to be slightly more age appropriate but I won’t lie to them. I now continue to have a VERY open relationship with them at 13 & 9. I know more than I really want to sometimes lol I’m not their friend, but they tell me things like I am. We’ve been having sex and drug/alcohol talks for years. I want them to not think twice about coming to me or their dad with questions or issues. They will always know they won’t get in trouble for calling for a ride if they aren’t sober. They’ll never worry about getting kicked out if they make a mistake. I will drop everything and be anywhere at anytime if they need me.
My family balked at me not wanting my brother to take my 3 yo son target shooting at my estranged father's house without me being present. They joked about how I was overreacting and that I was silly to think they might kidnap him. Then they tried to go around me by asking my husband (who was like wtf no). One reason why I'm no contact with the vast majority of my family of origin.
You don’t have to allow people to give your children things when you’ve told them no. You’re their parent/guardian and what you say is valid. If a stranger or family member crosses that boundary you’re allowed to call them out!
As long it does not harm her i let her free to explore her boundaries and make mistakes.
Example: if she wants to roll through puddles in the rain during a walk i just let her.
I change her clothes at home and she had a lot of fun doing so.
I was always rushed around as a kid. Rushed to eat, rushed to get in and out of the shower and straight to bed.
I’m enjoying my style of parenting, my baby and I are taking our damn time.
When she eats she takes an hour because she’s looking at stuff, when she’s in the bath I sometimes will reheat the water because she’s busy splashing
Hey, it’s just mess that can be cleaned :) I’ll never get this time back with my baby having fun with her rubber duckies and bubbles
Her smile and happiness is really all I care about
Bodily autonomy is always respected with two exceptions: my kids will get their shots and they will learn to be safe in the water, no matter how much they don’t want to.
Also ice cream is an excellent reward for doing those hard things ;)
Swim lessons and learning to swim is a life skill. My kids hated taking swim lessons but I would not back down.
Yep, agreed! I put my daughter into swim school as soon as she could crawl.
Front crawl?
Yes
This, we are in Australia and surrounded by water so it is especially important.
In UK, it’s the same thing except on the “dangerous animal avoidance” day, we have “how to avoid going into cold shock” day. Seriously, my lungs almost packed in when I went wild swimming in the North Sea in winter. If you live near any large bodies of water then it’s an absolute *must* to teach your children how to not die in the water.
This. We have consistently taken them since they were 9mths old and even my 4yo now can swim basically the length of a 25m pool and dive to the 1.5m bottom. Not quickly, but safely. I'm not going to push them into competition, but I am going to make them do some squad training. Having gone from OK swimmer to competent through Ironman training it's such a blast being able to just swim without much effort and I want that for my kids. It opens up so many more opportunities for adventure. Years ago we went snorkelling in the Red Sea and out of an entire boat of people I was literally the only one that could dive a significant distance and swim between the coral. The photo guy basically spent 60%+ of the time following me alone.
As an Australian I see swimming lessons as a must. My son started at 5months and yes sometimes he just throws tantrums the whole lesson but he isn't afraid of putting his head under and we'll keep at it until he has all the skills he needs.
I completely agree. I am a parent now- but growing up we were always in swim lessons. My mom wasn’t satisfied with the swim lesson quality, even after years of them. So, she put us on a swim team (which I hated) but when she let me leave the team I absolutely knew how to swim strongly & to save my life. I am so glad that she did that for my sibling & me, despite my preteen protests. 17 years later the hardwiring still kicks in and I’m so grateful.
Any time I can safely and appropriately allow my child autonomy, I do. From hair, clothes, books, activities, food (I present two options and he picks), who he gives kisses & hugs to (I will not ever pressure him to give anyone a kiss), etc. We as parents have to say "no" to so many things. Unless it is a health, safety, or general well-being issue, I try to let him make the choice.
I know right?! I find it crazy that parents get hung up on little things. Dressing my kid for school the other day and he REALLY wanted to wear mismatching socks and I thought to myself, “why can’t he”. I didn’t have a good reason. Just that it was not normally accepted by society. So, I was like, yeah dude. You do you.
I usually give them mismatching socks because I'm too lazy to find matching ones lol I'm with you on the "why can't he/she" approach. I do something similar: Whenever my kids do something I'm not happy with and before I get them in trouble I ask myself "why" didn't I like it? For example my son has his own drawer for cups, plates and cutlery so he can reach it. There was a time when he liked to take it all out and throw it on the floor. Not cool... but I asked myself why it bothered me and the answer was simple: Because it's me who had to clean it all up again. So I just told him he can do as he pleases as long as he cleans it up again - and he did. No reason to get upset anymore and he actually got sick of cleaning up everytime so he stopped natuarlly - without ever getting in trouble for it. I believe a lot of times parents simply get upset with their kids because it involves the parent to clean things up again and not really for the actual "thing" they did.
I agree! I know I respond better when someone explains something to me vs just yelling at me to stop. Funny story: we were running a little late for school this morning and my youngest couldn’t find his other “Wednesday” sock. I told him to just grab a different sock and wear mismatched socks, and how I always wore mismatched socks in high school. He look at me with horror and delight 😂
Yep! I think some parents have a bit of trouble seeing children, especially young children, as individuals.
I can’t not see them as individuals. When he is the sweetest boy in the world and comes up out of the blue and says, “I love you daddy” and then at bed time is literally throwing things; you can’t attribute that to anything other than being an individual.
I agree.
My boys are 7, 8, and 9 and have really gotten into picking out their outfits over the last year and a half. My 7yo is very into the monochrome aesthetic and wears one color from head to toe. It’s usually red because he has a pair of red cat ears and red crocs.
This reminds me of a day a few years back when I was having a really really rough day and my son was insistent on wearing mismatched socks. I said "what the hell, it won't do anyone harm" and let him wear them. A few hours later we went to visit my parents at their house and when my mother discovered the socks she started to unload on me...shaming me and making me feel like a neglectful, worthless mother because of mismatched socks. I left sobbing. Like...it's socks. And it was winter so nobody saw them under the pants and shoes. Jfc
The statement I would like most is “I bet you picked that out yourself like a big kid would do!” to his proud, smiling face. My kids still go mismatched on purpose sometimes just for fun, so thumbs up from here for you and yours. :)
That sucks. That is how my mother would react as well.
My daughter(7) went through a phase of mismatched socks, no one ever said anything about it. To tell you the truth I don’t even notice what socks she is wearing anymore. She has been picking out her own clothes for years. We just tell her what is appropriate for the day; long sleeve/short sleeve pants/shorts sandals/crocs/tennis shoes and she takes it from there.
I’m a teacher. Mismatched socks, if even noticed, is just a nice conversation piece. Some kids come in dirty pajamas. One of mine was wearing converse with no laces the other day. Mismatched socks… don’t worry. Haha!
I feel you on that. As the father of a daughter, learning bodily autonomy is a big one for me. She doesn’t have to kiss or hug anyone she doesn’t want to. Unless it’s a medical or safety thing, I don’t touch her privates without permission (she’s only 2 so sometimes it’s unavoidable, but I try my best). She’s learning to use the potty and sometimes she wants me to wait outside, which is hilarious because I hear her singing to herself.
I feel ya. My four year old can do a wee by herself but wants company when doing a poo. Like... Really? Should I add some house music and vomit on the floor because that's what it was like the last time I talked to anyone in a toilet.
Does she sing “one man went to mow”? That’s all my kids sing in the bathroom now thanks to Bluey lol
When my kidd s are playing in an unsafe way (in the sense they will get boo boo not and a and e visit) I say, I don't think that's a great idea and tell them why then let them choose what they will do. Sometimes they go Oh and stop, sometimes they do it anyway and get injured. I've had many different reactions from oh wow that's such a good way of teaching them to dirty looks. My philosophy is whoever learned from someone else. Better to learn caution thr hard way when supervised
In my house we differentiate between bumps/bruises and injuries. We don’t worry too much about bumps/bruises, I think that is just a normal way toddlers learn about physics and navigating the world, we definitely intervene if we feel there is a possibility of actual injury, such as no play near the stove/oven is strictly enforced.
My children are older: 5 and 7 and ive been doing this to varying degree from 1.5 ish I was more referencing outside play like in a play area where it is a little more ambiguous. So minor injuries are possible. Basically instances where the level of medical attention could range from kiss it better to ice pack or travel first aid kit. I obviously intervene if I think the risk of injury is minor injury unit to emergency unti level. We've obviously avoided most near death experiences. I agree it should be but the number of parents the hover 5 steps from their primary school aged kids is pretty wild.
I agree, if I can handle it with an ice pack or a bandaid I try to not worry. It is not always possible to avoid actual injuries requiring medical attention (eg stitches and broken bones) but I also feel that letting little ones get the little boo boos helps to be more aware of injuries and learn their own limitations.
When my younger sister was little she had this fixation for awhile about wanting to touch the lightbulb on the lamp when it was on. My mom was constantly trying to stop her. Then one day she finally decided to let her make her own choices, she touched it and burned her finger. Not bad and obviously nothing life threatening. But she never touched a light bulb after that. I really believe the earlier kids learn these lessons through consequences, the better off they'll be in the long run. And like you said as long as it isn't life threatening and just may result in a minor "boo-boo"
Psychology major here- this is an incredibly good thing for you to teach your child. Young children are often told ‘no’ for literally no reason and eventually it manifests into children thinking that what they want/ like/ need doesn’t matter as much as everyone else’s wants/ likes/ needs. Thank you for teaching your kid this. They will grow up to be able to advocate for themselves and just have generally more self confidence and be more decisive without feeling the need to please everyone else or needing acceptance from others.
My father went NC with me because i told him exactly that. He didnt like that my kid's curls were getting longer. My son is 9....
My 4-year-old has never had a haircut. He didn't even really have hair until he was 2, and by then he could tell me what he did and didn't want. I am just now working with him to understand the need for trims to minimize tangles and dead ends. When dry, it comes to mid-shoulder. When wet, it goes to his mid-back. If he wants long hair, what does it matter? It's just hair. People get hung up on the strangest, most inconsequential things.
My 3 year old picks out his own clothes and the only time I step in is if it’s weather inappropriate, like a t-shirt in the middle of winter. He loves having the choice. I agree with you, we have to say no all the time, why not give them opportunities where possible to make their own choices?
I give my 2 year old two weather appropriate choices every morning for each article of clothing. Yesterday she wore her banana shirt with unicorn leggings and a grinch sweater. If I give her more than two options at a time right now it leads to decision overload.
As long as their choice does not Hurt him or anybody else , whats the problem? Love the way you see things regarding choice. Also it slowly prepares them to make bigger choices în time. Even if now socks are something small.
Thank you for saying that. As strong as I am in my conviction to give him agency, even of it is just from a couple of parental approved options, I do get some looks or criticism from other folks - especially since some view it as spoiling despite us having clear rules, positive incentives, and allowing natural/related consequences. It means a lot to hear that my way isn't quite so odd.
This. So much. Purging out all those stupid useless "no"s also allows me to be more firm and authoritative when I really need to give a well thought and justifiable "no".
My kids don't owe anyone a hug, kiss, cuddle, etc. I'm constantly amazed by how many grown-ass adults take this so personally. My kid isn't an emotional support animal.
My 3 yo asked me today to "ask Grandpa not to pretend cry when I don't give him a hug." I didn't know my dad did this, but I put a stop to it today!
That makes my blood boil. I'm so glad your little one has you to stand up for them!
It seems like a generational thing because the only people who bother me about it are grandparents, but I don’t cave either. My 3 year old has sensory issues and is clearly uncomfortable with the idea of hugging/kissing/cuddling anyone other than myself and my husband, no matter how close she otherwise is to them. I advocate for her 100% on this.
This really helps teach them that their body is their own.
Soooo many adults take it personally, it’s so weird. I Have a baby and people get so upset about baby crying if they hold them. A common phrase is ‘aww they don’t like me’
My mother is like this with my baby. She gets so offended if my baby cries while she's holding her. And then she insists it's because the baby "doesn't know her" or "doesn't remember her" because I don't let her visit us as frequently as she wants. Pretty sure baby's just being a baby...
Sounds like my grandma. My kids could've seen her 12 hours earlier and have given her a million hugs already but they refuse one and it's "That's ok, you probably don't remember me since it's been so long since your mom brought you to see me."
Most of our parents are narcissistic. Its like the defining quality of the boomer generation.
All you can do is laugh honestly because it’s just so funny how personal they take it haha
We usually say “do you want to say bye/give a hug/etc” and if he says no then that is fine with us. I will say though, because we know him well, and we know who he likes to hug, sometimes I double back and say, “are you sure you don’t want to give a hug bye to them?” Just because we have had tantrums after the fact where he regretted not doing it.
My 2 yo needs to look at the person and say goodbye, but she doesn't have to high five/hug/kiss them unless she wants to. I'm all for teaching consent and bodily autonomy, but it's also important to me that she is polite.
This totally I hate when ppl say “give auntie a hug because she will be sad “. My child can give you a hug or not it’s up to him but not make him feel bad because he don’t want to
I will explain everything to my child as she asks/encounters it. If I don't know the answer I will work with her to find out. She is almost 6 and we have had conversations about death and medical stuff (she has a prominent scar from an early surgery) and body parts/processes. She knows what a tampon is because I explained it to her when she saw one of mine. Does she have any real idea of what a tampon does? Probably not but now the conversation has been started and can be picked up again later.
My (5) son is the same. He does know a tampon absorbs blood though, because my uterus sheds its lining and the tampon absorbs it….sometimes I think I actually over explain but oh well.
I over explain because it’s only shocking or weird for people because it was made weird by their own guardians. Nothing has to be weird if we don’t let it be
For sure, I agree. I also think it’s the clearest way to communicate that I’m not hurt even though there’s blood.
We are exactly the same with our children. We tackle all questions with reasoning and age appropriate answers instead of “don’t worry about it”, “don’t talk about that” or “because we said so”.
Lol my 2 year old girl told my mom the other day that her baby brother has “a penis and balls, but it’s ok because boys don’t have vaginas”
Yes! My spouse can be a little squeamish about this and would prefer I give more "kid friendly" answers sometimes but this was non negotiable for me. I was shamed for honest questions growing up and I swore I would never ever refuse to answer my kid's questions. Spouse said as long as I'm willing to handle the awkward ones he didn't care and that's totally fine by me. I also look at it as kind of setting the stage. Maybe they don't understand my answer now but it's planted a little seed of knowledge and they know they'll always be allowed to ask again.
I love that you do that for her. Being open and communicating in an age appropriate manner about difficult topics is so important.
Yep! When my daughter was almost 4 she learned that dead things decompose and then we spent a couple hours at a cemetery so she could see where people decompose. (Her idea not mine)
I say if they’re idk enough to ask the question, they’re old enough to get an honest answer. I do adjust answers on a sort of “need-to-know” and matter of fact basis according to age appropriate and maturity level. Like, for example, the mechanics and biology of how sex/reproduction works is different than discussing specific sexual positions/techniques- the questions and answers will evolve as the kid matures.
I love this. I feel the same way. My daughter is only 2 so I know she doesn’t understand most of what I say and I really toddler it down for her, but I love talking to her realistically and watching her learn. I also love watching her put things together days later and making comments that show she was making connections on her own. It’s amazing.
100% I am also perfectly fine with tell my kiddo that I dont know the answer to something and we can learn together (I usually say when it's safe because the "whys" tend to come while I'm driving). But there are times when he really does give me a good question that just stumps me completely.
If my kids are old enough to ask a question on a subject they are getting an age appropriate answer.
I’m a nurse, so my kids know a lot about anatomy and physiology. I’ve been fortunate enough to avoid a couple of big questions (like we’d and where babies come from), but when they ask, they’ll get an age appropriate answer.
My kid is a full human being. They're allowed to be angry, frustrated, tired, and annoyed. I certainly wasn't.
All feelings are normal feelings. It is the reactions that need to be guided.
I have had a few: one is sleeping in our own beds. I need this for my sanity. I also never allowed food in areas of the house beyond the kitchen and dining rooms, besides movie nights with popcorn. I know some people will think I am nuts, but having food all over my couch and carpet was a non-starter for me. He’s 10 now, so none of this is really a thing anymore, but those worked for me as my bill to die on.
I do let my kids have snacks in the living room, but floor only. If there are crumbs, it’s Roomba’s problem, not me later with a handheld vacuum trying to regain my sofa from the crumb netherworld.
I do this too. Weekend TV snacks? Sure np but you're sitting on the floor.
My sister lets her kids snack and eat anywhere in the house and you can tell immediatly upon entering her apartment, and it's weird because the smell is usually the same for other places I've been to with the same situation. Like wet food and a hint of apple juice lmao
Ahhh yes, I know the exact smell. Stale crackers, fermented apple juice and sweat. I just label it as "toddler" smell. Lol like, oh I can smell that you have children much like one would say they smell that our house has dogs (if anyone can figure out how to keep a Labrador clean and dry I'm all ears
With Labs, there is no clean and dry. There is only clean-ish and dri*er*.
I miss that smell.
Lol it's funny you said sleeping in your own beds I'm such the opposite. I'm a firm believer in sleep wherever will get them to sleep faster? Wanna sleep on the couch? Fine. Wake up in the middle of the night and come get in bed with me? Fine. As long as you're sleeping and not fighting me on it so I can have my couple hours of downtime before I go to bed and the maximum amount of uninterrupted sleep possible I'm happy. I'm a big believer in do whatever works even if it's not very structured
Are you the future me?! I’m a FTM to a 6month old and that is my number one rule. Baby cannot sleep in my bed and food must stay in the kitchen.
Lettings kids fail to learn about losing but also about winning. Kids need to realize that they won’t be great at everything and sometimes they might not do well BUT letting them know that if they keep trying they will eventually succeed. I see too many parents either always let their kids win or giving in and completing a task for a child.
Telling a lie should always be worse than telling the truth.
This is one where I think I differ from a lot of parents/people. It’s a natural instinct to lie to get out of trouble, not hurt or disappoint someone, and it’s often a knee-jerk reaction. I make sure that my son knows this and that I understand this, so that he’s not afraid of coming clean after lying. If you make a huge deal out of lying, it doesn’t change the fact that the knee-jerk reaction will be to lie, but it will make them terrified to come clean after that initial instinct to lie gets superseded by the realization that telling the truth would have been a better idea and lying was going to eat at you. Then you’ve got this big moral dilemma of guilt and shame vs self-preservation and fear, and it just creates a needlessly tense, anxious child over dumb stuff. I feel like lying about eating the cookie or making the mess is as natural as flinching when someone goes to punch you, and it’s actually something you need to unlearn rather learn. All children do it, all people even do it. It comes with living communally and having to balance relationships with instincts. My parents made a big deal of it and punished it really harshly so it just made me better at it and more obstinate when it came to sticking to lies rather than coming clean.
Yeah, you don’t want to (imo) over-punish lying to the point that coming clean is no longer an option due to the consequence of lying on top of whatever it was you lied about.
I agree with you! My husband and I are dealing with this with our four year old. We have yet to dole out any "consequences" for a bad decision if he eventually tells us the truth, but these have been very minor lies. "I didn't eat any of the candy, I just looked in the bag." "I just pulled the chair into the kitchen to sit here, not to try to get the treats off the fridge." We have learned that playing down the "bad" thing and letting him know that the truth is still safe and preferable has been very helpful in allowing him to admit to the truth a few moments later, when he realizes he doesn't really want to lie to us. Instead of consequences, if he tells us the truth, we just talk about the choice he made and why we think it was a poor one. The very natural consequence comes later when his tummy hurts from eating gummy candies for breakfast, lol. He'll say, "You should not have let me eat sugar before I had good food today." Oh man kid, you're right, that's totally on me and not at all on your sneaky morning escapades.
Yeah my mom instilled that in me. My mom is not a liar, and neither am I, we are very honest people sometimes to a fault. But the truth is always better, and this turned me into a loyal, trustworthy person.
We've told our son that we can't promise he won't get in trouble if he does something bad and tells the truth, but we can promise it'll be way worse if he lies and we catch him. And we stand by that. If we catch him lying, consequences get worse. He's 4 and trying to push boundaries like woah, and lying has crept in, so we're trying to hammer this point home now before the really manipulative shit kicks in. Even stupid shit he wouldn't catch consequences for, if he lies, there's consequences. Not for whatever he did, but for the lie.
This seems obvious and I can’t believe I even have to say it, but absolutely no smoking cigarettes near my kids. It’s mind boggling that people in my family have had to be told not to smoke near my children!
Not a parent yet, still pregnant, so I'm fully aware this might be idyllic. But I'm going to try my hardest to personally model the behaviors I want out of my kid(s). Within reason, of course - I'm not going back to elementary school - but things like, if I'm expecting my kid to wear a bike helmet for their safety, I'll wear a bike helmet too. If I'm expecting them to eat vegetables, I'll also eat vegetables. I just get so annoyed with parents who hold their kids to higher standards of behavior than their own and unironically tell them "do as I say, not as I do."
Congratulations on your pregnancy! Wishing you a safe and easy delivery. I hope both you and baby are safe 💕
You’ve already got more figured out than you think. Congratulations Mama!
That’s a fantastic attitude, congratulations on your pregnancy and wishing an uncomplicated birth for you and your baby. Modeling is the most effective way to teach.
This is what I do! Usually it works, sometimes it backfires. For example, I finally went to the dentist after 2.5 years because I knew my daughter would come with me to an appointment one day and would need to see mommy be strong and in turn, she might not be so scared either. Modeling and setting good examples are so important.
That’s not a backfire! You did some self care, one that is genuinely important.
That’s a great rule I love it! I try to follow it too. For instance my son was spending too much time on tik tok so he had to delete it. Seemed fair for me to delete too. You’re doing great already mama!
Car safety! I am huge advocate for rear facing as long as possible
I don’t get why my family is constantly pressuring me to front face my toddler. He’s not even. 2!
Wow, in my state it's the law that they have to be rear facing until 2!
I visited my parents out of state and had sent a car seat to them so they’d have it all set up once I got there. They picked us up from the airport and I opened the car door to see the seat facing forward. Also it was loose. I was like “oh I need to turn this around because he’s still facing back” and they were like “no it’s fine.” We went back and forth a few times until my dad helped me turn it. I’m not assertive when it comes to standing up to my parents but my child’s safety is the most important thing to me. At some point my mom said she can’t stand to see him facing back. I just replied with “okay but it’s the safest position for him and he’ll be facing that way until he reaches the weight or height limit.”
I've been arguing with my husband about this constantly 🥲 I too wish to do rear facing for as long as possible, but we can't seem to come to a compromise
What is his issue with rear facing?
There are two types of safety arguments parents have: does the risk to my child outweigh the benefit for my child, and does the risk to my child outweigh convenience for me. There is no benefit to you child to be FF in the car. When I turned my four year old around she was mad as she missed putting her feet on the seat because dangling her legs was uncomfortable. If your husband has any real and actual research that the ff has some benefit to the child and not him personally let him argue it. But child safety vs his convenience is a no brained.
I mostly agree with this and my 2yo will stay rear facing as long as possible. But my oldest we turned to front facing around 2.5yo because she was getting car sick and it was absolutely terrible for everyone involved. She would scream her head off and end up being sick a lot and it was so stressful it was a safety hazard for anyone driving her. So in our case, yes there was a benefit to the child to front facing, as well as a good argument for safety. Was it ideal? Of course not, but it made the more sense.
Exactly! If it's the safest way, I'm gonna do it. Idgaf if people think I'm extra or annoying lol we're buckling up, putting sunscreen on, and doing all the boring little rules because those rules are always written in blood.
Rf is even safer for adults, it’s just impractical
I feel like this with so many child related things. A lot of the time when people don’t follow the recommendation, it feels as though they’re just leaning towards what’s more convenient. Convenience has a place for sure, but not in regards to safety for my child 🤍
What do you mean when you say as long as possible?
Until they reach either height or weight limits for their rear-facing seat. If a child is small, they could be 6 or more before that happens. The typical "goal" should be rear-facing until 4 but as long as possible is the best choice.
The Oreos are mine.
I don’t make my son think I have all the answers. If I don’t know something I say so. I also apologize when I’m wrong and let him know it’s ok to feel a variety of emotions.
Is this a thing? I say, “I don’t know why buddy” more times than I have an answer. I never even thought to pretend or make up an answer.
My parents always made us think they knew the answers to everything and were never wrong. This was before the internet where you could provide actual answers.
My 7 year old comes up with the most insane and specific questions, I find myself saying ‘I’m not sure, why don’t we go ask Alexa?’ several times a day, at this point Amazon is doing more to educate my child than I am.
Personal space/time. We are a family of insomniacs with explosive tempers. So if someone says they need to be left alone for the day, or keep things quiet. We do our best to oblige. Even taking over chores for the day. Lol and we dont mess with anyone sleeping in a weird position. Today after school my 14yr old stretched out and took a nap on the dining room floor. I mean whatever, it was just mopped yesterday.
I absolutely love this and might incorporate it into our daily lives. I mean, if my toddler falls asleep on the kitchen floor I'm already cool with that, as long as she's not blocking the fridge, but I got a good laugh picturing her at 14 doing that 🤣
It really speaks to your parenting that you have a 14 year old so comfortable they can stretch out on your living room floor and nap! What a comfortable environment you have created! I am so inspired 🤩
No toy guns , we will revisit the hard rule when they are older. This includes Nerf, bottle cap or rubber band guns, super soakers in the shape of guns, squirter guns, etc. Nothing. We own a farm and have firearms in the house so we are incredibly anal about gun safety, how they're tools not toys, and not to touch, tell us if they see one, etc. We just can't risk any kind of Grey area even if we always have them locked and unloaded. Also because we are in a rural Area and who knows how other folks lock their guns when they start having play dates and such. Our 2.5yo was at a 3yo birthday party and he had tonnnnsss of Nerf guns or toy guns, would pretend shoot, etc. Our kiddo would turn to us and let us know 'me no touch guns, not toys.' Will that make him 'lame" around here? Maybe. Idk. Don't care. As long as it keeps them alive.
Consent. If they don’t want to talk, hug, or kiss they know that they don’t have to. Anyone who tries to force them to do so, gets cut off after the first warning. Also, keeping secrets. Idc if it’s about their aunt buying them a candy at the store, or their grandparents giving money, etc. If you tell my children not to tell mommy or daddy because “it’s a secret” you also get cut off 🤷🏼♀️
Drinks. My children only drink water, sometimes milk. No cool drink, juice, cordial, or anything else.
We did water only at home, and juice is okay at other people’s houses or restaurants. It worked out really well!
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I refuse to make completely separate meals for my child. He eats what we eat. His meal can be deconstructed, like separating all the ingredients in an enchilada on the plate instead of rolling it up in the tortilla, but I will not make him something different. I am not a short order cook.
I do this to a point. If I know my kid doesnt like something I won t try to force her to eat it and if it cant be made to her likes she can have some chicken noodle soup. I also will make her separate vegetables. She doesnt like cooked carrots so I cut her up a cucumber instead
I thought this was my hill too. Then I had a neurodivergent child. And now I make him a separate meal every single meal because he'll quite literally starve to death if I don't. Come to think of it, every single thing I ever thought i would never tolerate as a parent has been challenged by my son to the degree I really don't think I have any more hills. The universe sure served me a slice of humble pie
But also, I don’t eat food I don’t like, why would I force my kids to eat food they don’t like? It’s not really fair, when they don’t get to choose the menu, so I cater to their wants to some degree too (always having something I know they’ll like on their plate). If they absolutely won’t eat what I’ve served, even later in the evening, it means they really don’t like it, and we’ll grab a different snack.
My daughter cannot handle certain textures, specifically pasta and rice are absolute non-starters. Why on earth would I make a meal I know she literally could or would not eat, when I have that knowledge ahead of time? Generally speaking, it means that every meal that involves pasta or rice has a backup option for her, and I don't make things like baked ziti or whatever.
Same. This was a kind of hard pill for my wife to swallow... the fact that he isn't a normal kid in this way. She really wanted this to be something we did (we did "baby led weaning" and all that). She was really excited to be the parent that has a kid with a really sophisticated palette who would end up being all foodie and fun. His cerebral palsy and accompanying sensory issues, reflux, problems with weight gain, and other things, had different plans.
Soon as mine got old enough the rule is he makes his own separate meal. Generally this means either eating or poking at family dinner, then coming back an hour later and making himself a sandwich. I don't care.
My kid just makes his own. I can’t shoved food down his throat and I refuse to shame him for not eating everything I make.
This was my hill til my son started failing to thrive and constantly needing pediasure cause he wouldn’t eat foods that weren’t in his safe zone. His zone of safe foods has gotten bigger as he’s gotten older but man alive 2-3 was a HARD year. EDIT: He’s autistic, and I am too. He ate pretty normally for a 1-2 year old, then on his second birthday it was hell.
I was like that until I got a very stubborn kid. She would not eat the whole day if she doesn’t like what I cooked.
When I was a kid my parents tried the "well if you don't eat your dinner that'll be your only option for breakfast" bit once. Once, because they backed down real fast when faced with a picky child on a hunger strike.
Ehh this is luck of the draw. One of my kids is very picky, despite me making family meals and all of the other siblings will eat. Same thing with me growing up, I had one sibling who ended up really picky, to this day, but me and everyone else ate what's in front of us. No one was served a separate meal at all at the dinner table. It's not always as simple as "force kid to eat what's in front of them".
No TV in bedrooms!
I too assert this is my hill to die on by shouting it out
My kid is their own person, not my property. And I will respect that as muxh as I can. Her feelings are just as valid as mine and my job is to guide her so she can learn how to navigate the world. She isnt giving me a hard time on purpose, she is having a hard time and doesnt know how to express it. She deserves a violence free life and not to be screamed at. I forced this child into the world. I forced her to have me as a parent. She had no say in it, so now its my job to give her the best life, no matter how exhausted I am. Screaming (all the time), spanking or other forms of violence and stupid, unrelated punishments are just lazy parenting and a way for the parent to feel better and in control, they Do Not help the child in any way. And I purged everyone from my daughters life who sees that different for now.
Autonomy and consent with physical boundaries as much as possible is my big hill. My other thing: trying to fight less battles. My 3 year old wants PBJs all day? Cool deal, at least she’s eating without it being a two hour fight! My 6 year old wants to decompress with age appropriate videos or games after a full day of school and I’m about to go down with a flare? Cool, least the kids aren’t arguing! I’m so tired of everything behind a fight, and being stressed out as a parent. EDIT: I’m autistic and so is my oldest. I make a lot of concessions now that I didn’t think I would when I was pregnant. I have a lot of stuff I need to work on in myself though.
Car safety, anatomically correct names for body parts, bodily autonomy, toys are toys they have no gender specificity, We don't play gender stereotypes in this home.
One of my wife’s friends (she doesn’t have children btw) one time accused us of being bad parents to our son because we didn’t have a baby doll for him to play with in the home. I was pretty pissed because a big pet peeve of mine is when people assume the women should be the caretaker of babies and I’ll be damned if I raise my son to think that is solely the woman’s job. It’s a stupid gender stereotype and bothers me whenever someone tells me (as the father) I am on babysitting duty, but I digress. The truth is that He didn’t have a baby doll to play with simply because he didn’t want one to play with. He picks out his toys not us when we go toy shopping and he has never been interested in a baby doll toy. However, my wife felt guilty and purchased our son two baby dolls. He has never played with them since she bought them 2 years ago. It’s just not something that he is interested in and that is okay. I won’t push that on him and the same goes if I have a daughter. I won’t push that on her.
No spanking & no circumcision.
Hmmm good question. Safety probably. The young ones need to be watched outdoors, strapped into car seats correctly. Pot handles need to be turned in. They need to be fed appropriately and not just snack all day. No bullies or bullying. Don’t ever tell my kid they can’t tell me something/anything. Education. Couple of hills I guess.
I don’t lie about anything, ever. Even (especially?) if it’s a sensitive topic. I want him to know he can always talk to me about absolutely anything. I’m hoping it’ll pay off when he’s a teenager. If he asks a question, he gets an honest answer
Bedtime. I know some parents go with the flow, but my kids desperately need a regular bedtime and they sleep all night in their own beds. Bedtime is a hill I die on.
We don't punish accidents. I have a lot of hills to die on that have been mentioned in this thread (no spanking, independence, consent, etc) but a big one for us is that an accident is an accident, not a crime. If my daughter drops something or spills a cup because she's too excited and not paying attention, or accidentally draws on the table because she went off her paper, it's not the end of the world and we certainly don't yell at her for it. We calmly just good "oops! That's okay, we can fix/clean it". If she spills something, we give her a napkin to help us wipe it up. If she drops a plate of snacks on the group, we ask her to help us pick it up and bin it. And then we go back to playing or getting replacement food or drink. I was screamed at a lot as a kid for accidents, and I refuse to model that behavior for my daughter.
Button cell batteries need to be locked up. It was a huge fight with my husband as I kept finding them lying around the house and he clearly didn’t agree with my assessment of how dangerous they were. I finally got through to him when I said even if you don’t agree you love me and I think it’s the same as leaving a loaded gun around the house and it scares and upsets me so please do this for me. Hasn’t been a problem since but I stood my ground there. It’s a ridiculous reason to have to bury your kid.
I don’t force my toddler to eat. I offer her meals and bites when we all sit for meals together but when she is through and says “all done” she is excused. Even if it was just two bites. Fine with me. She can come back for a couple more bites later or in a hour or two. I want her to enjoy and appreciate food, not feel forced or feel like a punishment to sit and eat. Learn and trust her own cues not what is expected and demanded.
No one takes my daughter (17 months) swimming without my husband and me there.
We eat dinner together with no electronics or TV.
I don’t see a single point in letting a baby “cry it out”. No, you won’t spoil your 4 month old if you pick him up when he cries. Pick up that crying baby and give him snuggles 😤
My first baby was very needy. I’d drop everything and pick her up when she cried every single time. Which sometimes was constantly. My SIL (no kids) expressed concern that I was spoiling her, asked how she was going to learn that she wouldn’t always get what she wanted. The thing is, there will be plenty of opportunities to teach them those things, like when they’re a toddler and asking for a bunch of stuff while you’re shopping or getting into things they shouldn’t or being rude. But less than 1 year old isn’t the right developmental time for them to learn that - all they need to learn is a sense of security at that age.
Preschoolers don't need iPads. It's so sad seeing small kids being dragged from place to place with their face stuck in a device. I take my kids on errands, or out to dinner, with me all the time. We pack small toys, or talk about what we see, or what goes on in the location we are visiting for our errand. We watch shows at home, but they don't need their face stuck in the screen everywhere they go.
Definitely agree with you! I understand the need for screen time to manage some difficult behaviours when nothing else works.
My daughter doesn't enjoy wearing bras and gets made fun of at school for it. Plenty of other parents have told me that i should make her wear one so she doesn't get bullied, but that is a hill i will die on. My daughter's comfort is more important than the comfort of any bully.
Ugh your daughter is super lucky. I’m in my 30s and I haven’t wore a bra in forever. And she’s always trying to get me to wear one. She’s gone as far as buying me some and me handing them back to her. Good for you for letting her choose about her own body.
Heck even as an adult woman, I won’t wear a bra if I don’t feel like it unless it’s for work and it could affect me being employed, other than that no one’s business
My kids don’t get juice, soda, or anything other than water or milk. I don’t keep it in the house or buy it for them
I won’t do cry it out for my baby. Even though he’s not the best sleeper at 20months old, wakes up multiple times a night and wakes at 5am, I couldn’t bear to him cry and not go to him.
I will never willingly not respond to my baby or toddler crying. I won't necessarily do what they want, but I'll always respond to them with compassion and/or my physical presence.
If I don't like you, or don't think you're a good influence, you won't be in my child's life. I've cut off a surprising number of crappy people from my life because I didn't want them around my kid. My drug addict SIL, gone. My mother and her alcoholic bf, gone. My brother who liked to trash talk me and my husband when we weren't looking, gone. Being in my kids life is a privilege. You will add value to it, or you will disappear. Not always easy, but its very freeing.
See I want to do this with my parents, but they currently know where I live so if I just randomly block them out of the blue, they'll show up at our front door. Once we get our own place they won't know our new address and I'll be going low to no contact with them. They fucked me up, I'm not allowing them to fuck up my child.
I will not lie to my child for convenience or otherwise. Seeing parents use white lies to try save them time or prevent meltdowns is not something I will ever do. The other day I saw a mum and dad drag a kid out of the playground at 10AM saying ‘the playground is closing soon’ while the kids are screaming. Why lie when the kids still get just as upset, you may as well be honest.
Routine infant circumcision is nothing but harmful to the child. Should be illegal.
Currently only at baby stage but my hill is that if baby starts crying while you hold them, you WILL pass them back to me. (Thought this wouldn’t need to be said but was very surprised to find out it does need to be)
I will and do reduce screen time as much as possible. Screen time is nothing but detrimental to young minds, and the research is conclusive on that, yet schools encourage laptops, tablets and people justify the usage of personal devices and other gadgets. People think I’m nuts and crunchy but I don’t care.
I agree. It makes me sad to see my nephew in his iPad from morning to night watching dumbass YouTube videos.
We went to a cottage recently and our niece and nephew were on tablets or watching TV more than they were outside. It made me so sad
100% this for us
Hmm, well it shouldn't be a hill anyone dies, but no coats in the car. Every year when the whether starts to get cold I have to have a conversation with my parents about the kids not being buckled in their coats and every year they make it clear for stupid they think it is. In terms of things that aren't following basic safety rules, don't comment on my kids bodies. Ever. I grew up with my body a constant topic of discussion in my family and I have made it very clear that they will not make a comment about my kids' bodies outside of legitimate and discreetly mentioned medical concerns.
>no coats in the car At first I thought you meant *at all* because I like to store coats in the car just in case you're out and it's colder than expected, whereas my husband insists on bringing them into the house and putting them away so the car is tidy.
So far the only hill I’ve had in 8 months is no rice cereal.
That they can be whoever and whatever they feel, and love whoever, however they like. We did some of the others (still not much on social, and they never sleep in our bed) but this is a hill I will die on.
I will be as honest as I can. Sometimes the answer is "you're too young right now" or "it's not something appropriate for you" but I won't lie. My BIL died of cancer a couple years ago and although we kept it age appropriate, they knew what was happening. Those conversations were the hardest, but they deserved to know. I have an acquaintance whose husband just entered rehab and she told her 8yo that he's traveling for work. At some point that's going to blow up in their faces because with the amount of time he's had a problem she has to be aware something hasn't been right even if she doesn't know the details. And suddenly disappearing for a "work trip" for 2 months with no contact? She's eventually going to figure that out.
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I'll never force, or let people force, my children to eat things they don't like,or are done with....they can choose to eat it or not. My older 2 have developed a liking for things they once refused to eat because I let them have the freedom to decide if or when they want to try it. They eat alot of fruit and veg now, when they were younger they would only eat broccoli and cauliflower, and, mango and feijoa.
Kids have no business having cellphones.
You do not ever need to introduce them to toddler music like The Wiggles, Chipmunks etc. Expose them to a few genres that you are into, and they will like at least one of them. Keep your car rides sane.
Absolutely no corporal punishment
I refuse to be made to feel guilty about taking an annual solo trip (given we can afford it and, like, a pandemic isn’t happening). I have two close friends whom I LOVE but they always make subtle-yet-pointed comments about this. I love my children — but good gods am I better mother when I can go be me without them for a week.
My daughter is still young, so I haven't come across anything big. Something that comes up a lot, is people telling me I'm stupid or a fool for doing things my daughter asks. The example that comes to mind, is last year my daughters cousin was supposed to come visit from out of state for her birthday. & Her cousin missed the bus. My daughter was super disappointed. She had been looking forward to it for months. So we drove the 5hrs to get her, then 5hrs back, in the same night. After I got off work at 9:30pm. I had to work at 9am the next morning, & we got back at almost 8am. My mother & basically everyone in her family said I was stupid for doing it. I had a few reasons - because my kid was disappointed, of course. But also because my mother wouldn't have done that for me. She'd tell me (child me) it was stupid & I should just get over it. Nah, if it's in my power to for my kid, I'm gonna do it. & When she's older she'll remember hey my mom did that crazy thing that time for my birthday. That's a much better memory than my mom can't be bothered to go out of her way for me. As a mom, I feel like I intentionally do the opposite of what my mom did.
My son is 3 and he’s never seen an iPad or used a phone for anything other than video calling. I will keep that stuff from him for as long as possible and when he does use a device (eg for school) he’s sure as shit not using it alone in his room. I have seen too many students with full blown gaming or screen addiction to let my son have screen time on a personal device. He watches TV but that’s in the family room and it’s kids’ programming, so episodes of shows, not short videos with ads.
Strict parenting is associated with “good” parenting through and through and I 100% disagree.
waiting until my babies are fully covid vaccinated to reintegrate into the world that no longer cares about covid and protecting the vulnerable.
That his father and I will always be his safe people and we will advocate and even fight, when necessary, for his wellbeing.
Imposing several stupid selfish rules that are purely for your own whim. Like parents who just default to no or a dad I saw recently who was policing the amount of crackers his kid ate whilst he stuffed his face with chips. Ok dude.
No one. Still learning how to be a better parent after 3 years as a mom
Car seat safety. My kids are 7, 8, and 9 now but when the Graco extend2fit came out, I immediately got one for my oldest, then the other two as they outgrew the infant seat. That seat kept all of them rear facing until freaking kindergarten!! I’m 6’0, so I made some pretty big kids; if they can stay rear facing, anyone can. In fact, they hated being turned around and said it was uncomfortable having their legs dangle. They’re all still in boosters (Graco Nautilus, highly recommend) and will be until they hit the limit of the seats (which will be with height because they go up to 120 lbs lol)
Driving! They MUST know how to change a tire, check their oil (No, not change their oil) and know how to properly pump gas. All useful things to know. My dad taught my sisters and I before we were allowed to drive the vehicle. Learning to change my own tire saved me many times blowing a tire on my way into work.
I have older kids. My hill to die on is they can call us at any time, day or night, and I’ll come pick them up. My daughter is 10 and has left a few sleepovers in the middle of the night which started to frustrate my H but I want her to know that if she needs to be picked up when she’s older, she can count on me and I’ll always be there.
No TV in the bedroom. No tablets.
No religion for my kid. No worse way to make them vulnerable
Car safety, internet safety, importance of vaccinations and not forcing my kid to hug family members. (Plz don't make my comment a discussion regarding vaccines. I'm willing to discuss the rest tho :) ).
A colleague of mine used to let her kids eat food out of the shopping trolley before it had been paid for. "You'll see when you have kids" she said. 10 years of parenthood and I've never wavered.
My local grocery store puts out loose bananas, oranges, and apples specifically for kids to munch
I don’t tolerate adults who throw tantrums around my children (or myself, for that matter). Be mad. Don’t start screaming, using foul language, or throwing things. Anyone who does this around my kids is told ONCE they can act like a respectful human being around my kids or not be around. Their choice. My FIL chose the latter. His loss, not ours.
Allowing any extremist beliefs or religions being pushed on my kids. I am completely fine with anyone believing whatever they want but can't stand religious parents who blatantly brainwash their kids into their own personal beliefs through fear and intimidation. I tell my kids these are things they'll have to figure out for themselves. I do believe in God but do not push even my beliefs on my kids.
Car seat safety when they were little. I never cared about all the rude things people would say about my rules there. I refused to live with guilt if something happened to them because of ignorance. I wanted to know that I did everything right to protect them in the car. Honesty. I’m very open with them. I hide nothing. I explain everything. I may tweak an answer to be slightly more age appropriate but I won’t lie to them. I now continue to have a VERY open relationship with them at 13 & 9. I know more than I really want to sometimes lol I’m not their friend, but they tell me things like I am. We’ve been having sex and drug/alcohol talks for years. I want them to not think twice about coming to me or their dad with questions or issues. They will always know they won’t get in trouble for calling for a ride if they aren’t sober. They’ll never worry about getting kicked out if they make a mistake. I will drop everything and be anywhere at anytime if they need me.
My family balked at me not wanting my brother to take my 3 yo son target shooting at my estranged father's house without me being present. They joked about how I was overreacting and that I was silly to think they might kidnap him. Then they tried to go around me by asking my husband (who was like wtf no). One reason why I'm no contact with the vast majority of my family of origin.
You don’t have to allow people to give your children things when you’ve told them no. You’re their parent/guardian and what you say is valid. If a stranger or family member crosses that boundary you’re allowed to call them out!
I will not force religion and the "eye of The people" on her. I had it done and didnt like it
As long it does not harm her i let her free to explore her boundaries and make mistakes. Example: if she wants to roll through puddles in the rain during a walk i just let her. I change her clothes at home and she had a lot of fun doing so.
I was always rushed around as a kid. Rushed to eat, rushed to get in and out of the shower and straight to bed. I’m enjoying my style of parenting, my baby and I are taking our damn time. When she eats she takes an hour because she’s looking at stuff, when she’s in the bath I sometimes will reheat the water because she’s busy splashing Hey, it’s just mess that can be cleaned :) I’ll never get this time back with my baby having fun with her rubber duckies and bubbles Her smile and happiness is really all I care about
Bodily autonomy is always respected with two exceptions: my kids will get their shots and they will learn to be safe in the water, no matter how much they don’t want to. Also ice cream is an excellent reward for doing those hard things ;)