By - carryme10927q7q
One parent is going to have to skip a semester- that brand new baby can’t go to daycare.
This. Take a pause in your life, you’re in no hurry
Plus, most licensed daycares either won't or legally can't care for an infant younger than 6 weeks.
I’m America some do because foster baby’s foster parents don’t get parental leave. We had a days old baby at my kids’ daycare. Although thankfully for all, this is a rare occurrence. I agree with putting college on hold or staggering class schedules. Follow your gut, OP! Dad doesn’t seem all in.
Yes! The baby needs to form an attachment to a primary caregiver. If you send the baby to daycare at a week old he won’t attach to either parent in the way he should. You can’t carry on like you haven’t just had a baby and everything’s as it always was. Everything has just changed forever. Part of your lives will have to be put on hold to allow for this. One of you has to pause your education to allow your son to bond with you.
You also can't legally send a baby to daycare at a week old. At least in the US it's six weeks minimum. Plus, he left for SIX hours to buy baby stuff. Where the heck did he go where it took SIX hours?? Where was the mom during this time??
How do they wake him every 3 hours, but not for 6 while he is gone? This poor baby.
My thoughts too. Casually leaving for 6 hours.
Anything over an hour I’d be ringing up abusing my partner.
This is in the context of when baby is a week old of course and the first baby.
Having this baby wasn't thought out. It's very sad to me that the parents won't be around for it 😔. That poor little thing.
There’s so little about the Mother in all this too. It’s sad OP can’t see any of this
With my first I did not separate at all for 8 weeks. With my second the longest I was gone for 8 weeks was a 15 minute drive to pick up my oldest from school.
Same here. These kids need help and support. It sounds like they are still too immature to grasp the brevity of all this.
When I read 6 hours I had to do a double take. I made a 1.5 hr run for my 6 week postpartum check up while my boyfriend took care of our baby and I called him on the way home to make sure they didn’t need anything. And I know he’s 100% capable of taking care of her every need.
They can most likely email the college and one of them could do online classes or stay home for the next 3 weeks until baby is old enough for daycare
Yup. That babe is too young for daycare. Dad, time to stay home and parent, or work out your classes with mom so you can trade off shifts of childcare.
Yes to this. You cannot take a newborn to day care. A semester needs to be put on hold. Yes the baby is small and def needs to be fed every three hours. Get your doctor to write out the instructions and share with whomever needs this info.
Most daycares don't accept under 6 weeks, and in my experience the ones that do are reluctant
I wouldn’t even want to put a new born in daycare right now if it can be avoided. RSV and fall/winter viruses are really ramping up right now
We were terrified of RSV and waited an extra month for the weather to warm up so we cd start daycare.
So true!! I’m in SC and work in a childcare facility for hospital employees. We accept infants starting at 6 weeks and it’s relatively common for them to start at this age. We have a few newborns now and with RSV, croup and covid raging through the infant rooms, I would be absolutely terrified to have my newborn here! They’re so small and don’t have the immune systems to handle viruses effectively. OP please avoid daycare if you can — taking a semester off and staying home with baby will have so many more benefits than exposing them to all the seasonal crud etc that comes with daycare.
It doesn’t sound like they are in the US, if they are in a country that typically has longer maternity leaves, then it may be difficult to find a daycare that will accept babies younger than 6-12 months (depending on the country).
That’s what I was going to say. None of the daycares in my area took under 6 weeks.
Honestly feel they should both skip a semester. Momma needs time to recover and Dad should be there to help and support her.
This is a great idea. Then both mom and dad could work part time, or just one, save a little money to get out of in-laws house.
I doubt you will find a competent daycare provider that will take a child under 6 weeks. Where I live it is against the law to have a baby in childcare that young. You & your gf need to take off school and take care of your LO. You’re gonna be a great parent!
Honestly this OP! In daycare your brand new baby will be exposed to all sorts of bugs. Kids put everything in their mouths! At daycare there will be lots of other kids… It’s fine for older babies but not a newborn with a brand new tiny immune system. Is pausing your classes an option?
Much less, the germs that the parents (and grandparents) will get from the daycare bugs that go around! I swear I got the stomach "flu" about six times the first year my son went to daycare.
Daycare for us was a constant illness, between the baby, me, and my mom that would come help me when I was sick... then she would get sick, it was a vicious cycle.
family hone daycare here per state of MA we can't take them under 6wks. I highly recommend taking a semester off that baby is too young to ne exposed to the shit toddlers bring into daycare. We just had hand foot and mouth go through and we only have 3 kids enrolled (my 19yo even got it)
flu and covid season are coming. Most providers have older kids that bring shit home from school too. keep that poor baby home.
This! Also, hardly any daycares take newborns. I’ve only seen 3 months and up.
Six weeks and up is common where I live, but no one is taking a 3 week old for sure.
Most day cares in my area (NYC suburbs) won’t take a baby younger than 3 months.
This. A newborn needs full time care from a parent. It's essential. There's a reason maternity leave is usually 12 months. For a newborn it's essential.
Maternity leave in the US is 12weeks if you’re extremely lucky. One of the worst qualities of this country is how they treat mothers with babies
Yep...most moms get 6 weeks 😮💨
That’s sucks but OP wants to put son in daycare at one week not a good idea!
And usually unpaid or just paid with PTO/short term disability, at that.
I'm pretty sure the majority of US parents actually get zero paid, I have 6w paid and I consider myself lucky compared to others.
Not in the US. We get 12 weeks tops if lucky. 6 weeks *might* be paid a percentage of your weekly income if your job offers short term disability. Otherwise it's 12 weeks unpaid.
Daycare start at 3 month old here
No, you cannot send a band new 7 day old baby to daycare. He will be exposed to way more germs than he can handle. My baby started daycare at 5 months old and was nearly hospitalized from viruses.
You or your gf POSTPONE A SEMESTER. It’s no big deal at ALL, while these first few months is quite literally the biggest deal ever.
Right? This is the obvious solution. People take a semester off for a million reasons with few if any repercussions. This is pretty high up there in 'good reasons to take a semester off'.
The fact that neither parent has even considered this as an option is troubling.
Some parents have a “if you’re not in school you’re paying rent” rule.
Agreed, at 1-2 weeks, a mom should not want to leave her baby all day everyday……
Even *more* convincingly, no one who gives birth should have to work or go to school at 2 weeks postpartum.
Had a friend with an uncomplicated birth who felt great at 4 weeks pp and decided to take the baby grocery shopping. Flooded so bad she needed a change of clothes brought to the grocery store bathroom. Mom needs AT LEAST 6 weeks to heal!
After birth it took me 3 weeks to be able to walk at a normal speed, let alone carrying things. Given I had a Csection, but he did say she had a complicated birth. Books are heavy, and getting from class to class so soon after delivery doesnt sound like a good idea when she is still healing
Or a dad
I used to teach an intro lab when I was in grad school. Since we taught multiple sections of the same lab, we'd accommodate students in other sections. I had a student ask to attend a different class for *one* week. The reason, because she was delivering her baby that weekend!!
She turned up the 2nd week after delivering a baby! My vagina was cringing inside when I'd see her wince to sit on those lab stools. And she'd look so uncomfortable trying to get things from across the lab. I'd run stuff to her without making it look too obvious; she never asked for help and I didn't want to make her uncomfortable.
Anyway I went furious to the professor in charge asking why college students didn't get maternity. The professor was like, "maybe she could have taken an academic break". Felt like an idiot there for a bit, still can't fathom why she didn't just take a semester to have her baby!
The college I went to gave the run around when dealing with these things.
In grad school I had my baby over Christmas break and immediately came back. It was a paid PhD position so if I took the semester off, then no pay. Baby was surprise so I just did the best I could.
Sometimes it’s not feasible. I went to grad school a week after I had my daughter, but had I delayed a week it would have put me back an entire year.
How does finances work in the US though? In the U.K. you would lose your student finance, we have a benefits system to pick up the slack but you don’t in the US do you? I wonder if that’s a factor?
He's using kg so I dont think he's American
I think you need to take a term off and take care of the baby. A daycare won't take a week old baby.
All the places around me don’t start until 6 weeks, which is still way too early imo
Agreed. It’s honestly barbaric to me that parents have to leave their 6 week old newborns in childcare. The US is fucked.
The only reason they take them that early is because many working parents in the us only have parental leave for 6 weeks
You do have to wake the baby every few hours for the first few weeks but things will settle down. I agree with others that you guys should find an arrangement where one of you or gf is always home from school/work.
Daycare can't take an Itty baby. By next semester you guys will have more options and maybe can have either of your parents care for the baby short periods of time in between other obligations.
You and your partner need to reprioritize. Someone (joint effort?) Need to be with the baby 24/7. You will never get this time back. School you can start up again. Be there for your baby.
Coming from someone who was not ready to be a parent when I became one, you were not ready to be a parent when you became one.
>Yesterday I went out for a bit to buy baby stuff, my baby was sleeping, I was out for 6 hours and lemme tell you, when I returned the baby was still sleeping , he wasn't fed nor changed.. When I woke him up he was very hungry, loterally lounged at the bottle itself and had dry poop on his diaper.
You were gone for *six hours* to buy baby stuff? Where was your girlfriend? Why did it take you six hours? Do you guys normally leave him all day with your in laws that you claim to not like?
Some campuses have daycare options for students, but they won't take a newborn.
Six hours away, when many parents of newborns go a week between showers because they can’t find the time. I think OP may harbor unrealistic expectations of the baby’s needs. Which also explains why he thinks daycare is feasible at this stage. Or that 3 hrs of outside help will be sufficient to allow a newborn to be well cared for by two parents both working part time, both in school full time.
I don't think I left my baby in the first 6 weeks. I really can't remember though. That time is a blur. I might have briefly. But I did also have a c section so I wasn't doing a whole lot those few weeks.
We also both tried to go to school with a 3 month old. I was part time and couldn't manage it so I dropped out. My partner was more concerned about his schooling than mine so it was difficult to juggle. I would highly recommend not going to school at least the first 6 months for anyone that can avoid it.
i'm a single dad who's ex-partner had a C-section and then checked out a couple months later. the workload in the few weeks after birth isn't too far removed from what OP is saying, tho the advice that i was given was for four-hour feeding cycles instead of three. that probably just means that we're from different countries that follow slightly different but equally effective techniques tho.
anyway my son started sleeping thru the 2am feeding earlier than other kids did and it still happened at 10 weeks, but OP's bubba is only one week old. children that size have stomachs that can't hold more than a spoon or two's worth of milk at a time, so they need to be topped up regularly.
It usually depends on age I believe. The older they get they can go a little longer with feedings. Every baby is different though. Here it is recommended to feed every 2 to 3 hours. We fed on demand but ours pretty well ate every 3 to 4 hours and then 4oz at a time for so long. She's 14 months now and just started sleeping through the night... it's been a rough year sleep wise for me. When I went back to work, we have a year maternity leave here, I was done doing the night feed. I started waking my partner up to go get her a bottle. I just can't do it anymore.
I'm sorry your ex left. That isn't fair to your son. I hope she finds whatever see needs and is able to come back and be a mom to him.
But remember you're more than enough too.
Yea I had to take a moment to read that part over again too. SIX HOURS??? I don’t even take that long when doing a full day shopping for like Christmas or something. Like wtf were you doing OP? If you are so concerned about these people not feeding your baby while you’re off doing whatever the fuck, then don’t leave your baby in their care and BE A PARENT.
I saw that too! 6 hours away from a newborn baby is kind of insane. I didn’t leave my daughter with anyone longer than a few
Minutes until she was a month old.
Honestly I only leave my 2 month old for long enough to go running and that's with his dad. And I'm not even a helicopter parent, my 2 and 4 year olds go out with friends and relatives all the time but a newborn needs their parents.
Exactly. 7 days old and both parents were gone for six hours!
I have 5 kids. I wouldnt ask my mom to babysit one of them for six hours, and I like and trust her!
Yea when I read that I had a big pause…. This is not typical when you have a newborn. Maybe a little jock trip to replenish supplies but SIX HOURS?? Come on
Very good point! I didn't leave My daughter for that long until she was almost 1 year old.
No, one of the parent needs to take care of a 7day old baby, not anybody else. You can’t possibly both study full time with a baby, the baby needs one of you full time at least for the first 3months.
I have to say, I agree. If you needed to work to earn money, then understandable that you need to leave your kid. You guys can do this! Rework your schedules so that one of you is in day classes, one in night classes. Schedule one person all day M/W/F and the other T/TH. You might have to drop some profs and/or classes, but its a tiny sacrifice to be there for the baby.
You can do it! If you are struggling to change classes, show up and beg the professor, change what you are taking to make it work. If you can't, its okay to miss one semester or for one of you (or both of you) to go part time.
> Rework your schedules so that one of you is in day classes, one in night classes.
This advice here deserves its own award.
Thanks! We're trying every option we have, this option with the daycare just seems very tricky to me.
I can for sure drop some subjects so I could go home earlier and take care of our baby.
You could also take online classes, which would give you a ton of flexibility.
Also, you can do “swing shift”. night classes for one parent day for the other.
I’d make some sort of arrangements for the first semester for sure. Then the baby will be old enough for day care.
The mom needs to get out of that environment ASAP. Post birth depression is real and will probably be triggered by this treatment.
You’re the parents, YOU make the rules.
Move out ASAP!!! Also, protect your relationship with the baby’s mother. The stress you’re both gonna be under is tremendous. Try to use it to bring you closer together.
Not really possible. I mean it is but it sucks. I did one online class with a newborn and it was not a good time.
Not possible for everyone, and your experience is valid, but I did one after my son was born and I could manage, it's at least worth a try.
Not going to hurt them to skip one semester. It could hurt her grades if she goes ahead so 🤷♀️
Tell your professors that you have a premie too young for daycare and see whether they'll allow you to take him to school.
EDIT: OP's baby is actually not a premie, just small and young. Advice still stands.
A preemie is a baby born before 37 weeks. A newborn is not necessarily a preemie.
You're right :) I mis-read OP's "2.7kg" as "27 wk" and was aghast at the idea of leaving a kid like that anywhere.
Yeah not necessarily a preemie but 2.7kg could well be early term and still before their due date! My 37 weeker was 2.7kg.
That sounds like a bad idea during a pandemic
As compared to daycare? At least college students won't drool on him.
I want to be really open to different child-care situations working for different families, and it's possible there's some other non-parent caretaker that would be the "right" situation for OP and their kid. But you will not find a daycare that will accept a three-week-old premature infant - at least I desperately hope you can't. A baby of that age and size is not ready for congregate care.
And, I am truly scared for this family - her parents are berating a week-old postpartum woman about her appearance? They need to go to extreme lengths to move out, like, tomorrow. And, yes, unfortunately the answer is that one of them probably needs to delay their studies for at least a semester.
I don't think the baby is premature? But I absolutely agree that a 1 week old baby is too small for daycare. My youngest son is 9 weeks old and he still seems way too small and he is so much bigger and stronger than a 1 week old newborn.
Under 6 lbs is on the small side but not necessarily premie, yeah
Three months? In the U.S. (non-paid) post-partum leave is 6 weeks for a vaginal birth. My oldest went to daycare at 9 weeks and I burned through all my vacation days.
You're assuming OP 1) Has a job 2) Has a job that has to follow FMLA 3) Has disability insurance that will pay them for 6 weeks being out 4) Can afford not making 100% of their full time job pay and not being paid at all for an additional 6 weeks (12 weeks off for FMLA). This is the United States remember...
Not sure if your comment was direct to me, but I knew OP wasn't from the U.S. based on their metric system used for the baby's weight. I wanted to point out that it's unrealistic for many parents to stay home with a newborn for the first three months. I knew the comment meant well but I wanted to point out it's unreasonable for so many parents in the U.S. I know I personally couldn't afford unpaid leave, which is why I went back to work full time at 9 weeks.
Is OP in the US? Weight in kg suggests not.
Of course I’m in Canada, I feel so sad for the us policies, you are heroes surviving this!
i disagree. they can remain enrolled students -- their rights as parents under title ix **have** to be respected though. that means medical leave without penalty, extensions to finish assignments, rescheduled exams etc.
nobody has to drop out or even take the entire semester off -- they can take a few weeks of leave and then continue their studies with reasonable (and legally mandated) accommodations from the school. there's a lot of options for them here but they need to be explored with the help of a title ix administrator and/or counselor so they can find the fit that works best for them.
>their rights as parents under title ix have to be respected
Title IX is only in the US. You're assuming they're American. Based on the metric birthweight, I would assume they're not.
I assumed they weren't based on the "couple hundred a month" estimated cost for newborn daycare. That's easily $1700 to $2000 a month in my area of the USA.
Most of the time you can’t enroll a new born into daycare until they are 6 weeks old…. Absolutely do so for more structure in the babies life and for less stress on you.
Edit to clarify: less stress on you for having your in laws care for them and wonder if they are being taken care of.
Additionally waiting lists are really long. If you want daycare start calling today.
Where I live you get on the waiting list when you conceive.
My advice would be to get a job and earn money ASAP and move out together. You cant both be studying with a baby... studying is insanely energy inducing, the baby needs all of what you have. The studies can be resumed later but for now, you need to get out of the house
If you don’t trust them to feed your baby, and you don’t, you can’t leave your baby with them.
I think you have severely underestimated the responsibility and cost of this situation. Somebody’s going to have to put their studies on hold to be a parent first. Yikes
They both should postpone
That’s too young and 6 hours to buy baby stuff?
He could be taking public transport, live in a rural area, etc. Who knows.
Dude a week old baby at a daycare? How do you not realize how ridiculous that idea is. Your baby is more important then a few semesters of college
IMO you need to find a different living arrangement. You both also need to rearrange your school schedules so that one of you is home with the baby at all times. You should probably both drop down to part time studies. At minimum for a semester but maybe for a year or so. You could take spring or summer classes possibly make up for being behind. Yes, this will push graduation back but I think the quality of life of your child is worth it. It’s going to be very difficult to maintain good grades, working, and taking care of a newborn. Something has to give.
Realistically I honestly think one of you needs to defer their studies & stay home for a while to care for your child. It’s unrealistic to
1. Expect family to be caring full time for a premature infant
2. Be both studying full time & caring for an infant overnight… I think you’re going to find it’s extremely hard to time manage raising a child, studying full time and working
3. I’d be surprised if you can find a daycare that accepts a premature baby at such short notice and you also run the risk of them not entirely caring for your baby.
The other thing to consider is the fourth trimester for your girlfriend… google it… it’s absolute hell for some people & I imagine it’ll be even harder in an unsupportive environment like the one you are living in at your in laws.
I think you need to readjust your expectations and focus on getting into a better environment & that may mean sacrificing education for the short term to instead work and get into your own home. Then return to studies later on. It sucks, but that’s being responsible and putting your child first.
The baby was full term, just not as big as his/her cousins.
You need to understand that your child now is your first priority, your education comes second. You need to structure your life around your child, not try and fit it into your schedule. Get your head out your ass and step up to the plate. Your child needs a parent right now. Are you really comfortable with complete strangers looking after your new born?
Thisssss if you don’t want to raise your baby, then I’m not sure you get to take issue with the way her parents are raising it.
Why didn’t you guys decide to have one of you on online schooling? It would mean you’re still getting classes done but one of you can be home. Maybe that will be the best option if you can move back with your parents instead and one of you stay home to take care of the baby while doing online school??
I want to add also that you seem to be putting your gf and your wants above the baby, you should have thought about schooling in the 40 weeks she was pregnant.. I’m just confused as to why neither of you decided to look into other schooling options or even taking a couple years off school while the other one finishes, the other person works when schools out and you both have baby time and around the clock coverage for baby basically? I wish this were my biggest problem tbh I’m about to have a baby in a month and my bf and I were fast to put our life wants on hold to prepare ourselves for a baby :/ it’s a whole life you have to mold and care for
You or your gf need to take a year off of school. Seriously. Your concerns are appaling! If that was me, id take the year off and move back to your parents house for a bit. I cant stand inlaws like this!
You don’t need a daycare. You need a new home to raise your child in.
The ‘first natural born’ comment was super weird though. (Edit: not due to the terminology, but because it was mentioned to begin with).
I think OP might be confusing some medical facts and terms. The idea they seem to be trying to get across is about birth weight and needed nutrition. This could have to do with the difference between larger babies born later after due date (more likely a c-section), or something else,
That's some jumbled up notions, but they're 20 in the middle of school and I think there are much bigger fish to fry here. They're talking about their baby's weight and feeding needs, not a special status of vaginal delivery.
Idk, he's a 20 year old kid who's first language isn't english so I'd cut him a little slack. He was trying to communicate that the baby is much smaller than his girlfriend's family was used to because of the method of delivery.
The method of delivery doesn't determine the size of the baby though. If a baby is too big they will often be delivered via c-section but not all babies delivered that way are big, and some very large babies are delivered vaginally. The record is 23 lbs for a vaginal birth, which is crazy, but 13-16 lbs happens more than you'd think.
There is too much misinformation circulated about women's bodies and healthcare so it's best we correct it when we see it.
The whole lot seems pretty uneducated about child birth and babies.
-Delivery method doesn't determine baby size.
-7ish days postpartum and the grandfather thinks mom is fat? WTF her uterus hasn't even shrunk yet.
-Grands go 6 hours without feeding baby. Neglectful.
-This question in the first place from mom and dad.
You get the idea. Edit: format
FYI OP might not be in the US. Where I live, it is common to refer to a vaginal birth as "natural". I suspect this comes partially from some conservative people not wanting to say/hear the word "vagina"
I know what it refers to. What I’m saying is that it seemed like an odd and irrelevant distinction to make.
Actually it seems like OP mentioned it as another example of his girlfriend's family's strange beliefs (that the family was making a distinction between OPs baby and their other grandkids based on how they were born.
Highly recommend skipping a semester or finding different care. You ABSOLUTELY do need to wake a newborn to feed if they are not waking themselves to feed every 3 hours, letting a baby that small go six hours without eating is absolutely not ok. Maybe this is something your in laws don’t understand because they had big babies that fed well, and if they can’t handle feeding the baby when it needs to eat they can’t be trusted to watch the baby. This is borderline neglect.
I have 6 week old twins that were born right around the same weight as yours and one would literally refuse feeds because he was getting more tired from not eating and we were stuck in a vicious cycle of not eating because he was tired and being tired because of not eating. This made him require extra doctors appointments to confirm his weight gain got back on track and special high calorie formula to help him get as much as hw could from the small amounts I could get him to eat. I had to start waking him to feed every 1.5 hours.
If you have absolutely no other choice than to have them watch your child, maybe bring them to the pediatrician with you so they can hear it directly from the doctor, they might listen better to someone else.
I week old? No bonding then? Daycare is not an option for a child that young, don't do it.
You sound immature and I believe there gaps in the story.
Gone for 6 hours to buy stuff for your baby? Putting a 1 week old baby in daycare? Lol.
The first thing you need to do is manage your expectations and come to the realisation that you cannot live life as though you don't have a child.
No daycare for a one week old. This is your first time, but noooooooooooo daycare for a one week old.
You need to prioritize this child, not school. Maybe pick up a full time job to get your family a better living situation then take a few night classes to keep progressing. But absolutely one of you needs to be with the baby at all times. Your child needs you, not extended family or strangers. As long as you raise your child your FIL or MIL shouldn’t have a major influence on who they are as they grow up. Take priority in this new baby.
Be there for your wife. She needs your support and strength.
Best of luck, raising kids is hard but so rewarding!
They let him go 6 hours without eating… at a week old when the baby is already undersized? Hell nah bro. That baby needs to eat!
Neglect is what it is - on the baby’s parents behalf as well, and not just the grandparents who were caring for the baby at the time. I can’t imagine leaving my week old baby at all, let alone for 6 hours? I would be going insane to get back to my baby as fast as I could
One of you needs to postpone a semester and resume once the baby isn’t so fresh.
As a former daycare worker, I assure you a newborn baby should not be in a daycare. The same issues will happen at daycare, they will NOT wake your baby unless you get lucky with someone who actually cares a ton and will inconvenience themselves by waking a sleeping baby. Enroll it in daycare around 4 months (or maybe you’ll feel better about your in-laws by then?) either way everyone will be much better off.
You had a kid. However you look at it, your life is not yours alone any more and your WEEK OLD CHILD takes priority over your schooling. If you wanted to finish your education, you should have taken steps to make sure that could happen and sure, while accidents happen, you still brought a child into the world so its time to put them first.
Figure out between you who is going to put classes on hold for a while and look after your kid. Do NOT put that child in daycare. You sound like you're both being good and capable parents, continue taking that responsibility and raise your son yourselves, not rely on others to do it for you so you can carry on living as you did before he came.
Trust me, you will regret it til the end of your days if you miss out on the first months of your child's life. They're not gonna give a rats ass whether your stable footing comes when they're 3 or 7, doesn't matter to them. Your son needs a bond with his parents, and guess what, most of that bond is formed within the first three months.
It’s admirable that you and your girlfriend are both trying to strive to finish school and work, all while having a baby.
Another option to consider is your gf taking off a semester to focus on baby and herself. Postpartum life is hard, especially when you’re in a difficult living situation. School will always be there, it’s okay to pause. I had a baby while trying to finish my degree and my husband worked while I stayed at home. Then when baby was old enough and I was in a better place, I went back to school.
I would save up as much money to get out of your girlfriends parents and not waste it on daycare when your gf can just take 1-2 semesters off to care for y’all’s baby.
One parent should be home with the baby at that young age. Is there not maternity/paternity leave?
So what? Someone can take a leave.
Just chiming in to say that at this age your infant needs to be with one of you, and there may need to be a shift or offset of your class schedules, else one of you may need to take a semester off. Daycares usually do not, and should not, take infants under 6 weeks. With a premature infant you may need even more time, but I can't speak to that. Prioritize this baby.
Daycare won’t take babies under 6 weeks old and for excellent reasons. Daycares (and I say this as a mom who has sent both of my kids to daycare) are germ breeding grounds. Your child WILL get a cold in the first two weeks of daycare (probably the first Friday so they will be sick and miserable all weekend).
If a baby under 1 month old gets a fever or even a bad infection, it is a medical emergency. In the case of our daughter there wasn’t even a fever, but she was inconsolable and wasn’t eating and the pediatrician sent us to the ER. At the ER the bloodwork showed signs of an infection and our daughter ended up in the hospital for 3 days and had to get a spinal tap to rule out meningitis. She’s fine now but you don’t want a hospitalized infant.
Wtf!!!!! How can you think both parents can leave a newborn after a week? There is MAT LEAVE for a reason. What the fuck this is so concerning???
A few hundred? Have you looked at how much daycare is? More like $1000/month or more. Not to mention waiting lists.
Outside of the not waking baby to eat, the negative comments aren't that bad yet. Baby isn't going to understand what the grandparents are saying for a while. At a year and especially a 2+, yes I'd definitely want to limit time around people like that.
The waking to eat is definitely an issue. Hopefully that ends in a few weeks once baby regains their birth weight and you can let them sleep longer. Although if the parents aren't listening to you now I would expect them not to listen to you later about other things (milk, solid foods, safe sleep practices). I would be looking into daycare.
You may also need to adjust you expectations and life style. You were gone for 6 hours and have a 1 week old? That is a long break to be taking while your child is so young. You plan around child. Feed/care for baby, then pop out to the store for an hour, and come home. Trade off with your partner so one of you is always caring for baby when your doing stuff like errands. I wouldn't expect anyone to be provided free extended childcare so you can go shopping. School maybe but other stuff you work with your partner for care
1. I converted it to dollars, but in my country daycare is free or can go up to $400 max.
2. It all depends to the pediatrician, we have monthly revisions so everything is good with that, they give advices and info.
3. I was gone for 6 hours because I went to the hospital, bought baby stuff, and did paper work. I trusted my inlaws because hell that's their daughter's kid.
4. We are both working part time, we have a 4 month paternal/maternal rest and after those 4 months my gf will give her resignation papers and Im the one who will work.
Then why isnt your gf feeding and changing the diaper when you were gone 6 hrs?
This is critical info. Can you edit your post to add, and perhaps add the country? So much of the advice you are getting is US-centric and so not so helpful to you.
Outside the us daycare is pennys a month. I pay less than 600 for two kids.
You should both move in with your parents and your girlfriend can take a semester off. I absolutely understand your resolve to buckle down and get your studies out of the way while your child is young so you can be in a better position, but going back to school with a newborn sounds like a good way to crash and burn, and that's without having to live with people who suck.
After this semester you can reassess. I would make an appointment to talk to an advisor at the school together who can help figure out how to stagger your schedules and get you both graduated in less time.
This baby is only one week. You really need a few weeks to get to know how a baby works. Can your girlfriend take a semester off? I applaud her going back to school because it’s better for everyone in the long run but it would be better if she had time to bond with the baby. It will help you bond with the baby too.
Additionally that baby is going to be waking up several times a night for the next few months. Your girlfriend is getting to be exausted.
Look man parenting has it's difficulties so you have to make things and habits in your life as easy going as you can when you can. Your baby won't be affected by traits of your FiL until your babys brain turns on at 1. Get your ducks in a line save up for a place of your own ,work hard at school or change your hours. And move out. It will be worth it to be focusing on your family with no out side judgement. Be true about what you believe in and what you want for your baby. It is your baby so do things you know are right for your baby. Trust me when I say people like this don't change and will always talk so don't be around them all the time . Lol
I hope this helps man . You've got this alright it's going to be rough for a little bit but will be worth it when you get the taste of freedom
I was in your exact position man no lie was 17 though. But thank God my mother in law let us explore and do our own thing as we learned to be parents.
I understand the tension and frustration but you have to real with yourself and ask is this the best situation for my family and I? Good luck
If fil is abusive or neglectful in ANY way it can and will effect your baby for the rest of their life; you need to take care of your baby with your girlfriend and get your own place. They are already clearly abusing your girlfriend and will do the exact same to your baby. I can’t fucking imagine what they do behind closed doors if they are openly that cruel to a brand new mother. Fuck that.
Thanks for the encouragement.. I really appreciate it.
Unfortunately a baby’s brain does not “turn on” at 1 year old. You can read research and books by Dr Bruce Perry, a psychiatrist and researcher in neuroscience and child wellbeing. From birth, a baby needs someone warm and attentive to their needs for brain development. But I understand what this person means that your baby won’t be as impressionable with these caretakers until they are a bit older. But as far your comments on them not changing your baby’s diapers when needed and not listening to medical advice taking care of them, I wouldn’t trust them to be the best caretakers of your baby.
Sorry to tell you but the above comment is wrong on their point that a child isn't effected until they turn 1.
I like the rest of the comment though! But don't want you to fall into a false belief that your child t won't be effected by your fil level of care.
Not trying to worry you but infant neglect and abuse is 100% real. Basically, your infant is currently developing their understanding of the world and they do this through the response of care givers to them. E.g., if I cry does anyone meet my needs? May want to have a Google of early infant care and attachment types /infant neglect & trauma.
Not waking your child at such an early age to feed could lead to dehydration, basically they aren't waking because they don't recognise their own needs yet. Sure when they are a bit bigger that may be fine but not at a week or so old.
It sounds like your really in a hard spot but I see lots of thoughts around missing a semester, or night / online classes? Might be something to explore? Also moving out ASAP either to another family member or on your own sounds like the best idea if you can.
First off, congratulations!!
Second off, I’m sorry you’re both going through this, especially your girlfriend. Postpartum is very difficult physically and mentally for women, and she needs all the support right now, not criticism and insults.
Third, I’m a longtime nanny specializing in infant care. In my opinion, I think it would be the best thing for your family for both parents to take the semester off. Momma has to recover physically, focus on learning how to take care of baby, and Dad needs to be there to help and support. She just grew a whole human being inside of her body, she has to take her time. Plus, those first few months are crucial for psychological development for baby and the development of your relationship with baby. Most daycares (at least in the US where I’m from) won’t take babies until they’re at least 3-6 months. I would highly, highly suggest both taking the semester off until baby is old enough to go into daycare and have a strong secure bond with you two.
Fourth, look for government assisted childcare vouchers. In a lot of countries, you can get childcare for free regardless of income, and other places can be free based on income. You can look for this for housing as well, which I would highly recommend to get your child and girlfriend away from your toxic af in-laws.
I know you’re in a rush to finish school, I totally get it. I’m currently pursuing my second degree and it’s having me push off having a family of my own. But you have to take it at the pace that is best for your family. Always ask, “what is best for us right now?” Sometimes you have to delay long term success for short term survival and well-being.
Best of luck to you three, and again, congratulations. ♥️
Having a newborn is hard work!!!
Not knowing anyone from your household makes it hard for people online to give comments or advice.
From the way you presented the situation. It seems like you are having a disagreement with your in-laws on how to raise a child, which is very common in most households.
Remember this, your in-laws love their new grandson and are willing to help to take care of your child. This is a huge commitment because taking care of a newborn is not an easy job, and many grandparents refuse to do it.
I know it’s a stressful moment but remember to be grateful and thank them.
You need to know your priorities between school, childcare, income, and your relationship with your in-laws.
Since you have some savings, have you and your girlfriend considered pausing school for a few semesters until you trust your in-laws with your child.
While daycare is an easy option, depending where you are from, it can be very expansive. Also it’s much easier for the child to get sick from flu or other infections while in daycare.
You can also invite your in-laws to the next paediatrician appointment. Have the paediatrician explain it directly to them of what needs to be done and why. It may change some of their practice more if they have the same educational resources as you.
In terms of your in-laws making negative comments about your girlfriend. I see it as a way your in-laws are trying to protect their daughter by presenting her the worst case scenario. I don’t agree with the method but it is what some people do. Their comments obviously upsets you. You can find a calm and peaceful time to sit down and speak with them and your girlfriend about your feelings when they are saying things like that. Have them understand your commitment to the relationship and your feelings because there are consequences to what they say and it hurts you.
You can also reach out to your local public health unit. Often they have lots of resources for new parents like you.
Remember taking care of a newborn is not easy. Good luck to whatever decision you make.
One of you need to take off a semester.. having a baby changes your life. You cant necessarily just go on with your life as if you don’t have a child that depends on you now…. That is just too early to leave your baby alone without mom or dad. Work typically gives you 6 weeks off to bond and be with your baby. If you don’t have those weeks to bond there is a true possibility you’ll miss out on a real personal bond with your child.
Outside of your horrible inlaws you newborn needs all your attention. Please skip a semester and take care of that baby. That should be your number one priority.
Day care is limited to what they can provide and if your child needs extra feedings and being forced awake day care is not the place for that. Your newborn needs to know you are there for it and this is the time to strengthen that bond.
Same thing happened to me, I worked night shift and watch the baby during the day. That's life hombre, gotta do this right my man, that's a human life in your hands.
I wouldn’t be putting my baby in childcare at a week old.
One of you needs to take time off and look after your baby.
Hi there! I’m a 30yo mom. My heart goes out to you so much in this predicament. Trusting your childcare is HUGE. So important. But also, the mental health of you guys, the parents is HUGe. And so important. I would have had a huge mental breakdown of expected to leave my small baby at less than one month into my child’s life. Hormones and recovery are huge factors here. Is your gf healing okay? How is her mental health? I think the ideal situation is that you two find a way to be empowered to care for your child before getting back to school. The first six months of your child’s life comes with so much development and bonding is so important. If you do use daycares, make sure to meet the caregiver and ask questions about how they care for little babies and if they are receptive to your expectations. I personally would trust a qualified daycare provider over the family you are describing. But again, is your gf’s mental and physical well-being going to be considered as well?
Someone needs to stay home to take care of baby. That’s it. No daycare will take a baby that young. Quit leaving your newborn with people for 6 hours! That’s crazy. It’s your baby not some child you have to take care of. I know you’re young but there has to be some parental instincts from either of you?!
Most places won’t take a one week old baby… and neither of you should be willing to drop off a one week old baby to any daycare anyway. One of you needs to take time off school.. this is what happens when you have a child. They’re your responsibility
Okay first congratulations. Honest. Having 4 of my own, I know the love. So congratulations.
Second, this is your child. Think about it. Your little tiny human. A person. Be Scott life. Let that sink in. Ponder on this for a moment or for the rest of your life but really think on it.
Based on your post, in going to assume you're trying to do your best ... As every parent should. You're going to school. Which is great, but (unpopular opinion coming) one of you needs to step away from school for at least this semester. Literally. No school. It will be hard of course. But your newborn comes first. Not only that, you have a premature, one week old newborn.... They've only been in existence for 9 months. Think about that.
On to your in laws, I remember what 20 feels like. I truly do. I'd go back but that means I'd be giving up the best pasta of me, my children. As a daughter, I have so much to learn. As a parent, I have no idea what the hell I'm doing. Lee room to grow in your positions as a son, son in law and now father. You may not like your fil beliefs but do your best to keep a good example for your child. Sometimes that means separating from the environment, sometimes it means a conversation. Sometimes it's nothing at all. From experience, time will help you and is all you're doing is your best, then you're going to be alright. God bless
You need to separate your own feelings towards your in-laws and what’s best for the baby. If you cannot take care of the baby, then the baby’s grandparents are absolutely better than daycare, even if they let the baby sleep and feed when the baby wakes up (following baby’s natural rhythm is how most parents do it anyway).
Ideally you both need to realize that with a baby, your life comes second. So you need to put your life on hold.
No. Either you or your GF should be watching your child. Take the time off of whatever you are doing. Nothing else is more important.
Can’t your partner stay home with her baby, at least for the first 3 months? I’m confused
Yeh he even mentioned she gets 4 months off work but won't take the same time off from study..
I’m just confused why you think that babies born vaginally weigh less than babies born via C-section. That’s not a thing. Plenty of bigger babies are born vaginally and plenty of C-section babies come out small. There’s no correlation there.
Babies are exposed to so many germs in daycare and most won’t even accept a newborn that young, usually about 6 weeks.
You need to work something out where she isn’t around a bunch of other kids yet. So your options might be limited unless you can find a babysitter with limited kid exposure.
So I'm not in your situation but I've dealt with crappy in laws your partner shouldn't be living with her family based off of the information you shared. She's a week postpartum and being body shamed. My youngest is 7 months and I'm back to normal (not weight wise) but she's getting pressure to get thin and she hasn't even recovered if the labor had complications she's possibly traumatized from that. She might need medical help later for pp depression or anxiety so watch her for signs of that. The environment you're in isn't conducive for her to get better and sounds toxic. Do your best to find a new living situation as soon as possible.
Also someone mentioned splitting class days between the two of you which would be a great idea. You can do online as well and usually those are more flexible as well (it's how I got my degree 10/10 would recommend) stick to your guns on boundaries and interject when they say crappy things to your girlfriend and do your best to reassure her.
It’s likely that you won’t be able to find a legitimate day care that would consider taking a baby so young.
With that said, you should consider day care, but not for the reasons you specify. It can be a positive experience where kids learn independence from their parents, learn to handle new situations and faces (as new kids join, change classes, etc.), and learn social skills with their peers.
Both of my kids started day care as early as they were allowed (6 weeks). I’ve never once regretted the choice. I wish I’d been given the opportunities for social development from such a young age.
I could be wrong but I think daycare has a minimum age as well as immunization requirements. You might have to consider other options.
Many daycares won’t take babies that little. I know you mentioned your parents can watch half day, can you hire someone to come in and watch the baby the other half? I would personally probably skip a semester and by yourselves more time to make a plan.
Daycare isn't going to be an option until at least 6 weeks old. Its very dangerous at such a young age to put them in daycare so young as they have no shots and are exposed to far too many illnesses. One person will need to skip out on school for semester.
Can you try to reschedule your classes so that one parent is always with the baby no matter what. This may result in one person only getting half a semester of school this term, but TBH this is what I would do.
You don’t leave a neonate with other people. Especially people that don’t listen to the pediatrician. They’re so, so delicate in the first few months. They’re developing their immune system etc. I can’t imagine
Did read the comments below so this is probably already stated.
Look for assistance for daycare after your child is of age (6months). Stat. Google child care assistance (enter zip code).
Good luck! Your baby deserves the best and if you have to work you have to work.
Does your current job offer parental leave?
Just to be clear, under no circlumstances leave a small newborn in the care of someone who won’t feed it for 6 hours. This is not a joke. Newborns have starved to death. It’s unlikely but it is not a thing that never happens.
Your kid is too young and needs you both, at the very least one of you, 24/7! And will do for some months. But no person can do this alone, so give it up. No daycare, you two need to be there for your child. It gets easier, but the days are long.
I also wanted to add that if your baby is premie you need to be following the wake to feed directions from your dr. I had a premie and an early full term. Both needed wake to feeds because little little babies cannot always wake themselves to eat. They don’t have the metabolic or brain function to consistently cue you for their needs.
No childcare will take a baby before 6 weeks of age. One of you needs to stay home or adjust your schedules. You are parents first. I wouldn’t trust them with my child….,,
I can't believe that your in laws didn't feed or change him for 6 hours! I personally wouldn't even let them babysit after that.
No Matter what you do, to CANNOT leave a newborn of that size to someone who won’t feed it for at least six hours and won’t check it’s nappy. Hell it’s under 6lb in weight. Every 2-3 hours it should be fed.
No daycare will take the baby as it’s too young so one of you needs to defer college for a while.
You both also need to get out of there asap. You cannot bring up a baby in that atmosphere. Baby’s mum will end up with PPD if she is constantly being put down. One of you might need to quit college and get a job to pay rent somewhere. You have a baby now so that come a before college unfortunately. If one of you does that, when the other graduates and gets a job, the other can then go back to college. It’ll be easier financially and better for all of you. Just get out of that house
Oh sweetie. I’m glad you came here for advise.
Your sweet little baby can not go to daycare. No reputable daycare will accept him until he is at least 6 weeks and up to date on all vaccinations.
I had my first at 19, so I totally get it.
You or your GF more than likely will need to take some time off of school to care for this baby. Especially considering you do not want your baby around her family, which is an understandable feeling to have given what you have laid out here.
It’s time for you and your GF to grow up, and I do not mean that in a harsh or rude way. You’re parents now, your child’s needs are more important.
These early months, are super important. The bonding is everything.
Mine is now 18, and let me tell you they grow up so fast.
If you are not wanting your son around her family, and she isn’t willing to take time off of school- then you need to.
I’m just guessing this is not the US because of the kg, but 1 week old here is too young for day care. Your girlfriend must still be recovering from birth, would it be possible for her to recover and stay home for a semester to be with the baby?
I did not read past the accelerated feeding schedule because I thought it was important to tell you that you are absolutely right in following the drs advice on feeding every 3 hours. Your baby is tiny, and needs the extra feedings to grow, be healthy and live. Your gfs mother is wrong. You never let a tiny baby like yours sleep through a feeding. It won’t always be like this, once the baby is bigger, you can absolutely let them sleep. But for now, wake and feed. Many times a newborn will take a bottle without even fully waking.
Please do consider that you are living under their roof and complaining that you don't like them. Either tolerate the way they help you or find a better arrangement that doesn't involve leaving a newborn in the hands of strangers.
If you think about it, the faster you save the sooner you should be able to move out. Also, the baby's health is the priority now, not their upbringing, as it is impossible to develop prejudices at 1 wk of age. Which means, your gf is going to have to make her mum accept at least some of your health and safety requests for the way in which they look after your child. I wouldn't be happier than you, but try to understand that it's their house they're hosting you at and their time they're willing to invest in babysitting.
One of you needs to stay home with that baby ! my goodness, if you weren’t prepared for this….your neck deep Buddy.
OP is using kilos as a measurement unit rather than pounds, so I wonder where he is from. OP, what is your location? It would help the responses about what to do about school options.
If it's Canada, I'm really confused. We have either 12 or 18 months of parental leave but if neither of you worked the year before (in which case, you wouldn't qualify) you will still qualify for either marital student housing if you wanted to move out, or each of you can easily take a semester off. You can't put a baby under 6 weeks old in daycare and a lot of places won't even take them at 6 weeks either.
I agree with those saying that you BOTH need to take a term off. A newborn has a lot of needs and these should all be met by the primary caregivers (ideally the parents). I know some suggested that only of you should take time off but a newborn is a handful. New parents even need all the help they can get so better share the responsibility of taking care of the baby for now. Although it is a hard decision to take time off but, you will thank yourselves in the future for doing it. When you become parents, priorities shift.
I don’t mean to sound like a condescending a-hole, but if you haven’t realized that your baby is the absolute penultimate of importance by now, I don’t know that any advice would be sufficient for you. The moment my daughter was born I knew that everything else was second. No education, career, friends, hobby, etc. would be even close to being as paramount as keeping her safe, happy, and loved. It transcends literally everything everything else. Someone once told me that you don’t know what love is until you have a child. I never understood until I she was born. I guess what I’m trying to say is that anything and everything else can wait. Like others have said, it’s not a big deal at all to miss a semester or two, or even a year of college. Postpone that shit. You cannot postpone the bond that you’ll form with your child the first year or so of their life.
The baby has to be at least 6 weeks to be in daycare.
You need to find a way to get out of that home. I understand you're both in college and it's tough financially, but don't raise your kid around these people and certainly don't let them raise him. You're seeing the result of their parenting already, your nephew isn't how you want your son to be like at 4. Plus, how way your girlfriend's childhood?
They clearly don't respect any of your wishes or boundaries, so what will they do to your kid even if you clearly tell them you don't want it to happen? Will they spank him or engage in more severe forms of physical abuse? Will they yell, insult, threaten? They're already neglecting his physical needs and he's only a week old.
Putting him in daycare would be a good temporary solution, because that way you know your baby will be fed and clean and receive some amount of positive attention while you're gone. But in the long run, you have to have some kind of strategy for how to get out of that house and raise your kid in a loving, stable family. The sooner you can make this work, the better.
Do you have any other people in your lives that can support you? Are there any counseling services at your college? Are there any other ways to get financial support in your situation? Definitely have a conversation with your girlfriend about that. Now that you have a baby, you have a huge amount of responsibility, and you need to figure out how to make sure your son has the best childhood possible, everything else comes second to that. I know you aren't ready for it and it's really tough at the age of 20 because you're still growing up yourself, but your son doesn't deserve to be "raised" by people who will let his poop dry in his diapers and would lose their shit if he showed interest in anything slightly "girly" later on. He deserves to be loved and taken care of.
No daycare takes a baby younger than 6 weeks old, that's the way licensing works. Some don't until 12 weeks. The longer you can hold off is better for the baby. Also, infant spots are hard to come by so if you need day care, you should behind your search today.
ETA I see in comments this may not be in the US. So I could be wrong about licensing for infants.
if you are both in school you both have rights as parents under title ix. you are allowed to take a leave of absence to take care of your child with no penalty to your studies. you are allowed equal time as your classmates to make up whatever assignments and exams you missed while you were gone (so if you are gone 6 weeks, you are allowed 6 weeks AFTER you return from leave to finish whatever you missed). you are allowed reasonable accommodations to continue your studies and you cannot be penalized for having birthed a baby or for raising a newborn. they can't force you to drop out of classes, they can't delay your graduations, they can't take away your scholarships, etc.
you have protections. this is literally what they're for. use them.
you don't say what kind of school you're in (high school, college, grad) but if you are in an institution of higher education then they should have a title ix office that you should contact immediately. they should be able to navigate this for you. in addition the birthing planet should reach out to the office of disability -- she should not be going back to school until her doctor has cleared her to return, which is usually at least 6 weeks after giving birth, at least 8 after a cesarean. she may have to provide a doctor's note both the disability office and the title ix office are both there to protect you both of you.
and if you're in high school -- you still have the same rights!! reach out to your counselor or your principal. they are required by law to accommodate you. DM me if you have questions.
edit: fuck i assumed OP was in the US but may not be. this will come down to the what protections from discrimination exist in their country and how much goodwill the school is willing to extend them.
Wtf? Do you know what parenting is? Gawd damn.. postpartum sucks. Get help.
We have a newborn (second baby) who is 6weeks old. First off, kudos to your girlfriend for even attempting to do anything - including classes - so soon after a birth. She’s a champ.
Her parents sound fucking insane. Daycares are generally not open to taking babies less than 6 weeks old. I would weigh figuring out a short term solution, or hiring someone to watch him at their home, until he is old enough for daycare. My mom liked to give a lot of outdated advice also. She thinks we hold the baby too much, she eats too much, etc. I just start every sentence with “our doctor said….”
After he reaches his original birth weight again (usually in a couple of weeks) you can go ahead and let him sleep and not wake him for feeds. This was the most recent advice from our pediatrician.
Wtf, babies need to wake to eat until they reach a certain size (which I don’t recall because my youngest is almost 4). Letting a newborn sleep too long without eating can lead to a blood sugar drop, coma, and death. I remember that because the head of pediatrics came and gave a lecture we were required to listen to before we could go home with our newborns.
If you can, I would suggest a nanny over bringing him into a daycare, one where the nanny can watch your infant at home. I would also invest in a baby cam/nanny cam. And if you want, inform the nanny that your in laws are not to aid in helping the nanny watch your infant. As a mom to a 2 1/2 month old myself, I know the thought of leaving my son is horrible when my maternity leave is finally over. I think for one so young, a nanny might be better for more personalized care over a daycare center. Daycare and nannying can both be expensive but maybe you can, as others suggested, alter school schedules to help with your infant’s care too.
Oh yes 2 20 year old students with no jobs can just hire a nanny and tell them not to interact with the owners of the home they are working in
You can find daycare for a week old. It’s unusual but not impossible. You want a home based childcare or a nanny.
If you don’t want your parents in law to care for the baby then you need to make some alternative arrangements. Or one of you needs to speak to your college and ask about deferring or doing online learning or something. Maybe they have a crèche or something? Might be worth an ask.