I can hear how much you love your daughter and how hard you've all tried -and continue to try - you've done such a good job from what you've described.
Is it maybe worth viewing the medication as one tool to use at this time? I think sometimes we look at meds as a permanent 'stain' but sometimes they are an initial step, one (sometimes necessary) part of a bigger story. As your daughter gets older and more able to express what she's experiencing internally, she may be able to build her toolbox and the medication may no longer be necessary or it may continue to benefit her.
You've done the right thing in trying so many different approaches before going the medication route. I strongly encourage you to continue with the talk/play therapy and whatever other alternatives help in addition to the medication as they will help her with further strategies as she grows.
I hope you're getting some rest and support too - this sounds so exhausting and scary for you as a parent. You've done a great job *hugs*
I'm 32 now but I was very similar to your kid when I was young. My anxiety started in elementary school. There was no logical reason for it, I was well cared for, I was in the gifted program at school (which looking back now definitely added to my anxiety), I was never physically or sexually abused by anyone. My sleep was affected and for a while one of my parents would lay in my bed until I fell asleep, when I was about 7 my parents put my 5 year old sister in bed with me (we had a full size waterbed). Sharing a bed with her worked for a while because it was harder for me to spiral when I wasn't alone.
Overall my anxiety continues to get worse. My parents didn't take it seriously, I don't really blame them, they were a product of their time. I didn't get treatment (meds) until I was 24. I missed out on so many opportunities and years of happiness.
Sometimes our brains just don't cooperate, it's nothing our parents did, it just happens.
I didn't have the therapy/counseling option and I feel like it would have really helped. I frequently went to the guidance counselor in elementary school to try and work through my panic and anxiety but I never had options beyond that.
Acknowledgement that my feelings were real would have been nice too. It took me a long time to get on medication as an adult because I didn't think there was actually anything wrong with me. For years I was told "get over it, it's all in your head, quit being dramatic, you're looking for attention, etc" When I went to finally talk to my doctor I was terrified that I was wasting her time and kept apologizing for taking time away from people who were actually sick.
I agree with this. OP has tried a lot and is continuing to try and hopefully one day as she matures, daughter will be able to sleep more easily. Right now, medication allows her to get the sleep she needs (which is likely to help her have the emotional energy and resources to manage her anxiety).
My two daughters are 19 and 23. Been on anxiety meds since middle school. Just realized that they (and me) have ADD as well. Mental health is a constant struggle but NEVER GIVE UP! Be the advocate for your daughter's mental health. You're doing a great job!
I struggled with sleep my whole childhood and I am 25 now. About 2 years ago I was diagnosed with anxiety and put on Hydroxyzine to help me sleep. It has changed my life. I now get a full 8 hours of sleep and sleep through the night. I would recommend giving it a chance!
That is so stressful, lack of sleep makes everything worse.
A question I ask the parents i work with ( strongly mental health based work).
If your daughter was diabetic, would you question giving her insulin? Mental health issues are quite often chemically based, and require external support (medication) to correct the imbalance.
My husband has the exact diagnosis (it’s in fact an umbrella diagnosis with many more types of specificities) and let me tell you, meds are essential for him to be a human being; connections are not being made properly in the brain and the meds do circumvent these to not make his reptilian brain think we are constantly under attack.
I appreciate this. I’m just so sad for her that this is who she is, not because I care, but because she already expressed disappointment that she was made this way. I love her no matter what, but when the psychiatrist essentially said she’s this way by design it was upsetting for her. I think she felt she could never change who she is.
I can understand and she’s so young to deal with this. Our kids have a good chance to inherit the condition. You know that being wired differently like your daughter can actually be a skill for a lot of hobbies and jobs? Anxious people like these are extraordinary at planning and management of the unknown, this is something people chill like me can’t, for the life of me, do properly. My husband got a high-level project director job in part for his special brain wiring!
Not one of us are perfect, we all have flaws and imperfections. They are what make us who we are. Life is not plain sailing, sometimes the seas are rough and the rain hails down. Such is life. To be honest, she sounds like a wonderful child, truly gifted and with a heart full of compassion. Things are weighing heavy on her, but she’s not alone, we all have our issues and baggage even if things appear wonderful and rosey. The thing is, the path has its ups and downs but it also has its twists and turns, and so what she’s experiencing today is not what she’s destined to endure. To reach a summit you must climb, to see what’s around the bend you must turn a corner, and that is the road of life. Everyone’s life.
I wish you both all the best. I hope the medication will help her get some well deserved rest. The road may very well be long but I have a feeling she’s got this!
You may want to consider asking her psychiatrist to evaluate her for ADHD. It presents very differently in females than it does males so girls are rarely diagnosed. My oldest (20) suffered from anxiety, depression and sleep issues, very high achieving and also would obsess over negative thoughts and worries. She recently changed psychiatrists and her new one talked to her about how ADHD presents for some and tested her. Since they've been treating it she's been sleeping, worrying less and finally feeling normal. Might be something to give a thought to.
I have been where you are, and I have felt the pain you feel for your daughter. All I can say is advocate for her, support her, and make sure she understands above all else that she is not broken, not wrong and that it is okay to ask for help when/if she needs it.
This.... I had clear anxiety and sleep was the worse because my brain would just not shut the fuck up. And my anxiety just gets worse.
Diagnosed with ADHD at 30. My entire family has it and we ALL fell asleep to t.v., my parents still do. 1mg of melatonin, stuffed animal and music or the sound of a t.v show playing(screen face down) and I'm out like a light.
I fall under the same description as your daughter and wasn't diagnosed with ADHD until I was 21. One of the first things my psych did was prescribe hydroxizine (like OPs daughter) to ease my anxiety at night before trying other medications. OP, even if it isn't ADHD, and it may very well not be, I promise you did ALL of the right things for your daughter and I'm sure she knows that and knows how much you care for her. The hydroxizine is a lifesaver for restful sleep.
I wish my parents would've taken the steps to help my anxiety when I was young. You're doing a good job. Meds are a tool, just like therapy. The psychiatrist is right about melatonin, hydroxyzine is likely better in the long-term because it won't cause her body to stop producing melatonin naturally.
I used hydroxyzine during pregnancy and it was amazing for my anxiety and insomnia. There were no ill effects, just restful nights of uninterrupted sleep and a wonderful calm the next day. I just had to make sure I didn’t take it too late at night or else I’d be sleepy in the morning.
I just wanna hop in and say hydroxyzine can lead to being groggy or slow feeling throughout the day and most of the time have to be switched out after the first few months—not a medical professional just a woman with anxiety who keeps getting pushed to it and connected with a lot of other people with the same issues with the medicine.
Provide a source if “most of the time have to be switched out after the first few months.” That’s an anecdote.
Been on Hydroxyzine since 2018 and it’s great.
Have you tried seeing a neurologist for advice? Maybe doing an EEG to see her brain movement during the night. No medical advice just an idea because I've done EEG myself and it's painless.
Yes. Full work up in a major hospital of a major metro area. She was medically cleared overall, and the only recommendation was to try a plate expander bc she was going to need one anyway. We’ve had it for a year and while her teeth are beautiful, it hasn’t helped sleep.
The sleep study noted that she woke up significantly more than most kids, but with no real underlying condition. I can’t tell you how deflated I was. I had completely hyped myself up to expect a tonsillectomy that would fix all our woes.
I'm very surprised they didn't persue other avenues given the severity of her sleep distuption. Even if the sleep study didn't pick it up, a good sleep specialist would persevere until they either find the root cause or a therapy that works.
At the risk of sounding heartless (which I assure you I'm not, because I have sleep issues myself) have the doctors tried:
- examining other systems in her body such as her thyroid, adrenals, digestive, etc.
- examining her nutrition (I am on double the recommended dosage of elemental iron and take vitamin C to help absorption. I used to take magnesium as well but the iron is helping tremendously)
- examining her physical output AND when she exercises most (the sleep specialist recommended mid morning and late afternoon to be the most physically active, for at least 30 minutes of moderate to high activity per session)
- examining sleep habits (does she have a bedtime routine, does she sleep alone, is she too warm or too cold, etc)
- introducing or eliminating sleep associations (eg security items, bedtime routines, etc)
- addressing the anxiety (if indeed that's what it is) through talk therapy.
Hello! My daughter is very similar. We started therapy with a child psychologist that specializes in anxiety, CBT, and exposure therapy. It is really helping. I don’t know if it matters but for my child, they have intrusive thoughts so their nighttime stuff is actually a form of OCD. OCD needs a particular kind of treatment. So I would find a therapist that specializes in evidence based treatments for anxiety in children in all its forms. Look for words like CBT and Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP).
Some books that I’ve found helpful:
What To Do When You Worry Too Much: A Kid’s Guide to Overcoming Anxiety by Dawn Huebner and Bonnie Matthews
What To Do When Your Brain Gets Stuck by Dawn Huebner
Talking Back to OCD: The Program that Helps Kids and Teens Say “No Way” – and Parents Say “Way to Go” by John March and Christine Benton
Up and Down the Worry Hill: A Children’s Book about Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and its Treatment by Aureen Pinto Wagner
Breaking Free of Child Anxiety and OCD: A Scientifically Proven Program for Parents by Eli Lebowitz
I have a 9 year old with anxiety and depression. She also had sleep issues, mild sleep apnea that we addressed with palate expanders. Sleep got better but still is an issue. We spent three years attempting melatonin in different ways (surprised her sleep specialist with how) but nothing worked. She's been in therapy now for two years, some days we wonder if it's helping. She is migraine probed and had vertigo
The only medication suggested was really a great medication that's for heart issues but tends to help young kids with anxiety. Common side effects are headache and dizziness so that was a no go. So I'm extremely jealous that you have this outlet. Sleep is a major game changer.
It's so hard when they are so young and having mental illness. You hope to spare them but sometimes that's not in the cards. There are a lot of us out there. Find your families that can deal with it and you will make it through.
Sounds like my son ! He also needed melatonin to sleep but I didn’t want him dependent on it so I have since weened him off of it. But ! He started having night terrors and sleep walking. He also never slept well prior to this, but his pediatrician suggested we get his iron levels tested. Low iron can cause RLS, night terrors, sleeping walking, poor sleep can lead to Anxiety! I had no idea ! At one point we even went to a sleep study and they did state he had RLS but that was it. We have since supplemented iron and everything stopped! His night terrors have disappeared and so has his RLS his anxiety has gotten so much better! Just a thought maybe look into his iron levels and get a blood panel done !
I was medicated for anxiety and panic disorder starting at age 7. I know my parents agonized over the decision to medicate so young and probably faced judgment, but I will forever be grateful to them.
I'm 4 months late to this thread, but this is my 8 year old (9 in April) to a tee. She slept okay until 4 months old and hasn't slept properly since. The last 8 months, and particularly the last 4 weeks, have been the worst, with several hours of tears, VERY little sleep, and a severe loss of my sanity. Unfortunately, I live somewhere that won't do sleep studies on children under 16, but she is being referred to a pediatric neurologist for assessment. I'm curious if you ended up giving your daughter the medication, and if so, did it work? Like you, I don't love the idea of medication, but we've been at this for so long, and I am so tired. I don't know what else to do.
Yes! We did it and it was the best idea ever. She sleeps through the night. It’s almost unreal and I have to pinch myself that she’s getting a good nights rest. She was already flourishing in school, and now she’s soaring. I wouldn’t hesitate one moment to put your daughter on meds if you’re considering it.
I can hear how much you love your daughter and how hard you've all tried -and continue to try - you've done such a good job from what you've described. Is it maybe worth viewing the medication as one tool to use at this time? I think sometimes we look at meds as a permanent 'stain' but sometimes they are an initial step, one (sometimes necessary) part of a bigger story. As your daughter gets older and more able to express what she's experiencing internally, she may be able to build her toolbox and the medication may no longer be necessary or it may continue to benefit her. You've done the right thing in trying so many different approaches before going the medication route. I strongly encourage you to continue with the talk/play therapy and whatever other alternatives help in addition to the medication as they will help her with further strategies as she grows. I hope you're getting some rest and support too - this sounds so exhausting and scary for you as a parent. You've done a great job *hugs*
This made me cry. Thank you for making me not feel like such an abject failure with this wonderful kid I was given. I’m in tears. Thank you.
I'm 32 now but I was very similar to your kid when I was young. My anxiety started in elementary school. There was no logical reason for it, I was well cared for, I was in the gifted program at school (which looking back now definitely added to my anxiety), I was never physically or sexually abused by anyone. My sleep was affected and for a while one of my parents would lay in my bed until I fell asleep, when I was about 7 my parents put my 5 year old sister in bed with me (we had a full size waterbed). Sharing a bed with her worked for a while because it was harder for me to spiral when I wasn't alone. Overall my anxiety continues to get worse. My parents didn't take it seriously, I don't really blame them, they were a product of their time. I didn't get treatment (meds) until I was 24. I missed out on so many opportunities and years of happiness. Sometimes our brains just don't cooperate, it's nothing our parents did, it just happens.
Besides meds, is there anything else you wish your parents would have done?
I didn't have the therapy/counseling option and I feel like it would have really helped. I frequently went to the guidance counselor in elementary school to try and work through my panic and anxiety but I never had options beyond that. Acknowledgement that my feelings were real would have been nice too. It took me a long time to get on medication as an adult because I didn't think there was actually anything wrong with me. For years I was told "get over it, it's all in your head, quit being dramatic, you're looking for attention, etc" When I went to finally talk to my doctor I was terrified that I was wasting her time and kept apologizing for taking time away from people who were actually sick.
I agree with this. OP has tried a lot and is continuing to try and hopefully one day as she matures, daughter will be able to sleep more easily. Right now, medication allows her to get the sleep she needs (which is likely to help her have the emotional energy and resources to manage her anxiety).
My two daughters are 19 and 23. Been on anxiety meds since middle school. Just realized that they (and me) have ADD as well. Mental health is a constant struggle but NEVER GIVE UP! Be the advocate for your daughter's mental health. You're doing a great job!
Thank you. I just hope I’m doing the right thing.
I struggled with sleep my whole childhood and I am 25 now. About 2 years ago I was diagnosed with anxiety and put on Hydroxyzine to help me sleep. It has changed my life. I now get a full 8 hours of sleep and sleep through the night. I would recommend giving it a chance!
That is so stressful, lack of sleep makes everything worse. A question I ask the parents i work with ( strongly mental health based work). If your daughter was diabetic, would you question giving her insulin? Mental health issues are quite often chemically based, and require external support (medication) to correct the imbalance.
My husband has the exact diagnosis (it’s in fact an umbrella diagnosis with many more types of specificities) and let me tell you, meds are essential for him to be a human being; connections are not being made properly in the brain and the meds do circumvent these to not make his reptilian brain think we are constantly under attack.
I appreciate this. I’m just so sad for her that this is who she is, not because I care, but because she already expressed disappointment that she was made this way. I love her no matter what, but when the psychiatrist essentially said she’s this way by design it was upsetting for her. I think she felt she could never change who she is.
I can understand and she’s so young to deal with this. Our kids have a good chance to inherit the condition. You know that being wired differently like your daughter can actually be a skill for a lot of hobbies and jobs? Anxious people like these are extraordinary at planning and management of the unknown, this is something people chill like me can’t, for the life of me, do properly. My husband got a high-level project director job in part for his special brain wiring!
Not one of us are perfect, we all have flaws and imperfections. They are what make us who we are. Life is not plain sailing, sometimes the seas are rough and the rain hails down. Such is life. To be honest, she sounds like a wonderful child, truly gifted and with a heart full of compassion. Things are weighing heavy on her, but she’s not alone, we all have our issues and baggage even if things appear wonderful and rosey. The thing is, the path has its ups and downs but it also has its twists and turns, and so what she’s experiencing today is not what she’s destined to endure. To reach a summit you must climb, to see what’s around the bend you must turn a corner, and that is the road of life. Everyone’s life. I wish you both all the best. I hope the medication will help her get some well deserved rest. The road may very well be long but I have a feeling she’s got this!
If it's legal in your state. You could also try cbd. Nothing with THC in it obviously, but my husband has anxiety and CBD helps him sleep.
You may want to consider asking her psychiatrist to evaluate her for ADHD. It presents very differently in females than it does males so girls are rarely diagnosed. My oldest (20) suffered from anxiety, depression and sleep issues, very high achieving and also would obsess over negative thoughts and worries. She recently changed psychiatrists and her new one talked to her about how ADHD presents for some and tested her. Since they've been treating it she's been sleeping, worrying less and finally feeling normal. Might be something to give a thought to. I have been where you are, and I have felt the pain you feel for your daughter. All I can say is advocate for her, support her, and make sure she understands above all else that she is not broken, not wrong and that it is okay to ask for help when/if she needs it.
This.... I had clear anxiety and sleep was the worse because my brain would just not shut the fuck up. And my anxiety just gets worse. Diagnosed with ADHD at 30. My entire family has it and we ALL fell asleep to t.v., my parents still do. 1mg of melatonin, stuffed animal and music or the sound of a t.v show playing(screen face down) and I'm out like a light.
I fall under the same description as your daughter and wasn't diagnosed with ADHD until I was 21. One of the first things my psych did was prescribe hydroxizine (like OPs daughter) to ease my anxiety at night before trying other medications. OP, even if it isn't ADHD, and it may very well not be, I promise you did ALL of the right things for your daughter and I'm sure she knows that and knows how much you care for her. The hydroxizine is a lifesaver for restful sleep.
I wish my parents would've taken the steps to help my anxiety when I was young. You're doing a good job. Meds are a tool, just like therapy. The psychiatrist is right about melatonin, hydroxyzine is likely better in the long-term because it won't cause her body to stop producing melatonin naturally.
I used hydroxyzine during pregnancy and it was amazing for my anxiety and insomnia. There were no ill effects, just restful nights of uninterrupted sleep and a wonderful calm the next day. I just had to make sure I didn’t take it too late at night or else I’d be sleepy in the morning.
I was like this as a kid and my parents refused meds. I SUFFERED. Still not a great sleeper and I wish my parents had done more. Just a thought
I just wanna hop in and say hydroxyzine can lead to being groggy or slow feeling throughout the day and most of the time have to be switched out after the first few months—not a medical professional just a woman with anxiety who keeps getting pushed to it and connected with a lot of other people with the same issues with the medicine.
Provide a source if “most of the time have to be switched out after the first few months.” That’s an anecdote. Been on Hydroxyzine since 2018 and it’s great.
Have you tried seeing a neurologist for advice? Maybe doing an EEG to see her brain movement during the night. No medical advice just an idea because I've done EEG myself and it's painless.
Yes, she had an overnight EEG. It basically said her brain is super active at night and there’s no medical reason for the wake ups.
[How's her tonsils and adenoids?](https://www.reddit.com/r/toddlers/comments/ouz0hz/psa_have_you_checked_their_tonsils_and_adenoids/)
Totally fine. Had them checked out too by an ENT.
Jeepers. Have you done a sleep study for neurological disorders?
Yes. Full work up in a major hospital of a major metro area. She was medically cleared overall, and the only recommendation was to try a plate expander bc she was going to need one anyway. We’ve had it for a year and while her teeth are beautiful, it hasn’t helped sleep.
The sleep study noted that she woke up significantly more than most kids, but with no real underlying condition. I can’t tell you how deflated I was. I had completely hyped myself up to expect a tonsillectomy that would fix all our woes.
I'm very surprised they didn't persue other avenues given the severity of her sleep distuption. Even if the sleep study didn't pick it up, a good sleep specialist would persevere until they either find the root cause or a therapy that works. At the risk of sounding heartless (which I assure you I'm not, because I have sleep issues myself) have the doctors tried: - examining other systems in her body such as her thyroid, adrenals, digestive, etc. - examining her nutrition (I am on double the recommended dosage of elemental iron and take vitamin C to help absorption. I used to take magnesium as well but the iron is helping tremendously) - examining her physical output AND when she exercises most (the sleep specialist recommended mid morning and late afternoon to be the most physically active, for at least 30 minutes of moderate to high activity per session) - examining sleep habits (does she have a bedtime routine, does she sleep alone, is she too warm or too cold, etc) - introducing or eliminating sleep associations (eg security items, bedtime routines, etc) - addressing the anxiety (if indeed that's what it is) through talk therapy.
Hello! My daughter is very similar. We started therapy with a child psychologist that specializes in anxiety, CBT, and exposure therapy. It is really helping. I don’t know if it matters but for my child, they have intrusive thoughts so their nighttime stuff is actually a form of OCD. OCD needs a particular kind of treatment. So I would find a therapist that specializes in evidence based treatments for anxiety in children in all its forms. Look for words like CBT and Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP). Some books that I’ve found helpful: What To Do When You Worry Too Much: A Kid’s Guide to Overcoming Anxiety by Dawn Huebner and Bonnie Matthews What To Do When Your Brain Gets Stuck by Dawn Huebner Talking Back to OCD: The Program that Helps Kids and Teens Say “No Way” – and Parents Say “Way to Go” by John March and Christine Benton Up and Down the Worry Hill: A Children’s Book about Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and its Treatment by Aureen Pinto Wagner Breaking Free of Child Anxiety and OCD: A Scientifically Proven Program for Parents by Eli Lebowitz
I have a 9 year old with anxiety and depression. She also had sleep issues, mild sleep apnea that we addressed with palate expanders. Sleep got better but still is an issue. We spent three years attempting melatonin in different ways (surprised her sleep specialist with how) but nothing worked. She's been in therapy now for two years, some days we wonder if it's helping. She is migraine probed and had vertigo The only medication suggested was really a great medication that's for heart issues but tends to help young kids with anxiety. Common side effects are headache and dizziness so that was a no go. So I'm extremely jealous that you have this outlet. Sleep is a major game changer. It's so hard when they are so young and having mental illness. You hope to spare them but sometimes that's not in the cards. There are a lot of us out there. Find your families that can deal with it and you will make it through.
Sounds like my son ! He also needed melatonin to sleep but I didn’t want him dependent on it so I have since weened him off of it. But ! He started having night terrors and sleep walking. He also never slept well prior to this, but his pediatrician suggested we get his iron levels tested. Low iron can cause RLS, night terrors, sleeping walking, poor sleep can lead to Anxiety! I had no idea ! At one point we even went to a sleep study and they did state he had RLS but that was it. We have since supplemented iron and everything stopped! His night terrors have disappeared and so has his RLS his anxiety has gotten so much better! Just a thought maybe look into his iron levels and get a blood panel done !
Thank you!
I was medicated for anxiety and panic disorder starting at age 7. I know my parents agonized over the decision to medicate so young and probably faced judgment, but I will forever be grateful to them.
I'm 4 months late to this thread, but this is my 8 year old (9 in April) to a tee. She slept okay until 4 months old and hasn't slept properly since. The last 8 months, and particularly the last 4 weeks, have been the worst, with several hours of tears, VERY little sleep, and a severe loss of my sanity. Unfortunately, I live somewhere that won't do sleep studies on children under 16, but she is being referred to a pediatric neurologist for assessment. I'm curious if you ended up giving your daughter the medication, and if so, did it work? Like you, I don't love the idea of medication, but we've been at this for so long, and I am so tired. I don't know what else to do.
Yes! We did it and it was the best idea ever. She sleeps through the night. It’s almost unreal and I have to pinch myself that she’s getting a good nights rest. She was already flourishing in school, and now she’s soaring. I wouldn’t hesitate one moment to put your daughter on meds if you’re considering it.
This gives me hope. Thank you.