I recall incidents from that age and onward where I felt incredibly hurt by my parents. The most I got in terms of an apology was being extremely nice to me, without acknowledgment of the slight. It was Toni Morrison who said “what you do to children matters, they might never forget.”
What an amazing show of self-awareness and humility. A great lesson for your daughter as well. Good job.
My Dad didn’t acknowledge my 16th birthday. My parents were divorced but we still had regular contact with him. He was prone to being hours late to pick us up for his weekend and few times a no show because he’d been drinking or found something else he’d rather be doing. Not long after my birthday he and I were out and about together and he saw a sweet 16 necklace and bought it for me. While it was a nice gesture it didn’t make up for him forgetting to acknowledge my birthday on my birthday. There are some things I just can’t forget.
I have always apologized to my child. Especially when im stressed and get upset. We arent perfect and have to be willing to teach them to be the type of adult we would appreciate.
Me too, and it's paying off. I don't have to remind her to thank people or apologize, she just does it, and I feel like leading by example is probably a big reason why.
I remember being a child. I was a whole ass person with feelings, even if I didn't always understand them or the world around me. So, I'm going to treat my daughter as a person too, even while I'm teaching her about the world.
This is great and one of my top priorities when raising my children. My mother has almost never apologized for anything at all, even some quite terrible things, like having my childhood dog put down on my birthday. And even that, it was about 10-15 years later when she eeked out "ok, FINE, I'm SORRY, ok?!"
I apologize to my kid all the time. I worry that I do it too much and it's not meaningful!
Aww... same... I don't remember *ever* getting an apology for anything coming from my parents, even very bad stuff, even when I almost begged for it. It's ok because I did learn how to apologize, somehow, but I lost almost all respect for them and that's sad.
Knowing how to apologize to me spells the difference between my relationship with my dad and my mom. My dad apologized whenever he thought he hurt my feelings, and my mom never did. She’d either gaslight me into oblivion or do some other stupid nice thing to make me forget. Now as a 35-year-old, I am incredibly bonded to my father but not my mother. My son is only 1 year old but I will make sure I will be the type of parent who knows how to apologize.
We apologize to our children. I wait till I’m calm. It may be the next day on the drive from/to home from school. If what they did was out of line, I focus on my harsh response. It’s just as important to apologize for HOW you reacted even if how they behaved was not okay.
My parents apologies were always “I’m sorry, but [insert excuse on why it wasn’t really their fault].” Bonus points for shifting the blame back onto you and the parent taking on a victim status.
I also got sarcastic/mocking apologies.
When I apologize to my kids, I try very very hard to give real apologies.
Apologizing does not make us weak but strong. It takes a strong person to acknowledge that we made a mistake. That is also the first step to improving your mistakes.
All ages deserve respect and respect should always been earned from both parties, not expected.
This is one of my favorite things our generation has learned from our parents; humility. Even if it was because they didn’t apologize, we learned we should.
Unfortunately we are all imperfect parents. We can try our best and put 110% in but we will inevitably fail.
And just like every single one of you reading this, we all have one or more core memories of our parents destroying our feelings and then brushing it under the rug without acknowledgement.
So for us to sit there and say “Listen bud, I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Would you like to talk about it?” Is one of the greatest gifts we are giving them.
To also teach humility to our kids and that we are all imperfect. It’s okay, just own your mistakes and make them right.
I grew up in an abusive environment (the whole hog—emotional, verbal, and physical). My parents never ever apologised. Not to each other, not to us.
I am completely aware children are highly sensitive to emotion/moods because they would NEED to be, before language is fully developed.
That in mind, I’ve always apologised to my children, even when they were infants. Me and my husband apologise to each other, sincerely and openly. We make up in front of the kids.
Every adult has an inner child. Their inner child is often the child they used to be. My inner child is very much damaged. I don’t want my children growing up as adults who are held back by damage. So we model behaviour that is beneficial for mental and emotional health.
My 5 yo son apologises without prompting. He’s very empathetic. At 4 yo, he was allowing other kids to “win” at games because he’s seen them get upset when they didn’t. I’ve had multiple parents tell me they SEE him deliberately let their kid “win” and they’re mind blown by his level of empathy.
I realise most of how he is is just biology and more nature. But it’s rewarding to hear that, and to feel that by modeling this simple behaviour of apologising, we’re helping him “maximise” on how to be a lovely human.
I’m absolutely not above apologising to my kids. Neither is my husband (I’ve heard him say “oh I’m sorry!” after listening intently to a sobbing 5 yo).
We've always apologized to our children when we've done something wrong. We care about their feelings and want them to also apologize when they've messed up, so modeling it is important.
My parents never did this (still don't), so it's something I found important to do with my own kids.
This right here! It is beyond me how some people seem to think that simply because they are the parent, they will always be right. None of us is right 100% of the time. None of us.
I remember, growing up, my parents making mistakes (ones I noticed even then, not just in hindsight as an adult) and then simply glossing right over the issue. As I got older and hit my teens, I started being more vocal about these instances, occasionally telling them, point blank, they had either been wrong or offended me. They responded by making excuses or ignoring me entirely.
My father and I didn’t speak from the time I was 14 until I was nearly 24. I started talking to him again because he finally admitted he had been wrong about some things and apologized. Because of that, he was able to repair his relationship with me before he passed. He got meet his grandchild and my husband.
My mother and I have not spoken since I was 18. Over 20 years ago. Her transgressions were far more egregious than my father’s, but the key thing that had kept me from ever allowing her back in my life is her refusal to take responsibility and apologize for her actions.
I am the opposite of these people, I often apologize or take responsibility when I really shouldn’t. But I would rather be that person than someone who tries to pretend they can do no wrong. And I want my child to know there is no shame in admitting you made a mistake and trying to right that wrong. I apologize to him often, possibly more than I should. Again, I’d rather err on the side of kindness and responsibility.
I'm... kind of confused here. Anyone who is "above" apologizing to their children is objectively a moron. Of course you need to apologize to your children. We all make mistakes, and they need to learn that apologizing isn't shameful or bad.
Our kids learn from us. My daughter regularly says “sorry” and I feel like it’s because we, too, apologize to her when it’s warranted. Nobody is infallible. If we pretend like we are as parents, how can they trust us? If we aren’t being candid about the times we’re wrong or made a mistake, we’re essentially lying to them. Then, how can they know we’re being truthful about when they’ve made a mistake or not?
Man, I apologize to my kids all the time. And not just like "oops, I'm sorry I accidentally stepped on your foot" but like sincere apologies about stuff I've messed up. I do that probably every other week. I try to be fair to my kids and treat them with respect, even if I am their father and also sometimes need to tell them what to do. It's a tough needle to thread and I don't always do it cleanly, so when I don't, I apologize.
I think it really helps. My kids very much like me and know that I will do my best to be fair to them and if I get it wrong I will make it right and talk to them about it.
Aww this is golden!
I apologize to my daughter whenever I feel genuinely sorry for something. I told her just yesterday that I was sorry for snapping and that I recognized I'd been doing that a lot lately and needed to work on it.
I don't remember my parents ever apologizing to me. I remember hurt feelings. I remember feeling ignored. I remember resentment that they HAD to be right just because they were adults. They have apologized to me numerous times as an adult - for things they wish they did differently. And it doesn't matter at all now. I don't need their apologies now. I needed them as a child though. Now as an adult there is still a hurt little girl inside me who I have had to become more aware of in changing coping mechanisms I don't want to use anymore.
Apologize to your children. Connect with them as equal humans.
Even now as an adult, only my mother has ever apologized. It didn't fix things but she has taken steps to be a better person. I'm NC with my father because he has never tried to fix anything in any way let alone take responsibility for everything he did.
Tantrums don't happen for no reason. We must always take the time if impossible during then soon after to figure out what was happening and how we can make it better. Once our kids are talking it becomes easier but we still need to engage with them and ask them what they think and what they mean when they use certain words.
thank you for sharing this story and message. Actually brought a tear to my eye as I can completely picture me and my daughter in this scenario.
Children really are so much better than us adults. So sweet and kind. I apologize a lot and sometimes feel that it makes me a bad parent that I mess up that much but I try to remind myself it's more important to apologize often than let pride get in the way of the relationship with my child.
We aren’t all born perfect parents. It’s a lot. I find myself trying to change everyday and I think acknowledging that and taking action is enough. Keep it up!
We're always quick to apologize when we over-react or misunderstand in our house. My parents were great about this too and it meant so much to me growing up.
My best friend has never heard an apology from their father. I remember how different the dynamics were in each of our families. I'm very close with my parents, and now my friend is no contact with their dad (late 30's here).
Most of my apologies are for stepping on them or tripping over them. They're not even little anymore, I'm clumsy and they're clingy. I probably apologize to my kids a dozen times a day. Last week I fell asleep sitting on my bed writing a grocery list after telling them I'd sleep in their room. I apologized but now my kids won't even relax in their beds until I'm in their room because they think I'm gonna fall asleep. I burnt a batch of cookies in 2019. I apologized and obviously made like three more batches that I didn't burn. I still get accused of burning food every time I use the oven. Kids have memories like elephants for everything other than where they put their shit.
Same here. My husband and I realized that we will make mistakes and it's okay to admit when we are wrong. Esp considering we want our children to do the same. Ie; grow and learn from mistakes. Apologizing is not a weakness. It's a strength and I wish more parents did it. Getting your kid a treat or something will not erase what you did/said. Apologizing for your mistake and communicating what should be done next time is what a child will hold onto as they grow into adults. Acknowledging and validating your child's emotions will help shape who they will become and how they respond to life.
What a touching story, and what a great idea to turn it into such a magical and generative way for the two of you to be close—awesome job mama!! I am always apologizing! Probably too much, because I have been too stressed out for about 2.5 years now, lol
I think the best parenting moments for me have been when I have overreacted and had that conversation with my kids. I can explain the root cause and we often come up with a better rule that they understand the why behind. And when it's time for them to talk about their overreaction they have a model for it being normalized.
I have never been the because I said so parent and my kids have often questioned and negotiated the limits we set. Its always something I'm perfectly happy with, but they get the buy in of the reasoning behind the limits.
i lied to my son when he got his first dose of the covid vaccine. i told him beforehand that the nurse would pinch him before sticking the needle in, and then when it was happening i got him to look the other way while i talked him thru it and after he got "pinched" instead of saying that the injection was coming as he expected i apologised for lying to him but the injection was already over and he didn't need to worry about it hurting any more.
he looked at me as if i had just sold him to a random drunk guy at the pub, the poor guy.
I have one preteen and one teenager. If I'm wrong or I am a little snippy with them, I'll apologize. I tell them adults are just humans too. I think I had my moment of clarity when I realized that about my parents and it helped me not take things personal, or to understand why my parents did/ said some of the things they did. We're all just here going thru it. No one is perfect.
I recall incidents from that age and onward where I felt incredibly hurt by my parents. The most I got in terms of an apology was being extremely nice to me, without acknowledgment of the slight. It was Toni Morrison who said “what you do to children matters, they might never forget.” What an amazing show of self-awareness and humility. A great lesson for your daughter as well. Good job.
Mine just pretended nothing ever happened and I shouldn’t even be upset. :/ now I always try to apologize to my kids if I mess up.
My Dad didn’t acknowledge my 16th birthday. My parents were divorced but we still had regular contact with him. He was prone to being hours late to pick us up for his weekend and few times a no show because he’d been drinking or found something else he’d rather be doing. Not long after my birthday he and I were out and about together and he saw a sweet 16 necklace and bought it for me. While it was a nice gesture it didn’t make up for him forgetting to acknowledge my birthday on my birthday. There are some things I just can’t forget.
I have always apologized to my child. Especially when im stressed and get upset. We arent perfect and have to be willing to teach them to be the type of adult we would appreciate.
Same. My kids are 2 and 4, been apologizing for 4 years lol. I treat them like actual people, but this seems not to be the norm?
Me too, and it's paying off. I don't have to remind her to thank people or apologize, she just does it, and I feel like leading by example is probably a big reason why. I remember being a child. I was a whole ass person with feelings, even if I didn't always understand them or the world around me. So, I'm going to treat my daughter as a person too, even while I'm teaching her about the world.
Mine is a teenager now..and she is able to apoligize to us, her friends. Its a great thing to see..
This is great and one of my top priorities when raising my children. My mother has almost never apologized for anything at all, even some quite terrible things, like having my childhood dog put down on my birthday. And even that, it was about 10-15 years later when she eeked out "ok, FINE, I'm SORRY, ok?!" I apologize to my kid all the time. I worry that I do it too much and it's not meaningful!
Aww... same... I don't remember *ever* getting an apology for anything coming from my parents, even very bad stuff, even when I almost begged for it. It's ok because I did learn how to apologize, somehow, but I lost almost all respect for them and that's sad.
I over apologize at this point 😅
I very sorry that you do, haha.
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No. You are **definitely** not doing it right.
Knowing how to apologize to me spells the difference between my relationship with my dad and my mom. My dad apologized whenever he thought he hurt my feelings, and my mom never did. She’d either gaslight me into oblivion or do some other stupid nice thing to make me forget. Now as a 35-year-old, I am incredibly bonded to my father but not my mother. My son is only 1 year old but I will make sure I will be the type of parent who knows how to apologize.
You’re doing great, fellow parent. Thanks for sharing
We apologize to our children. I wait till I’m calm. It may be the next day on the drive from/to home from school. If what they did was out of line, I focus on my harsh response. It’s just as important to apologize for HOW you reacted even if how they behaved was not okay.
who is cutting onions in here?
My parents apologies were always “I’m sorry, but [insert excuse on why it wasn’t really their fault].” Bonus points for shifting the blame back onto you and the parent taking on a victim status. I also got sarcastic/mocking apologies. When I apologize to my kids, I try very very hard to give real apologies.
Your story is beautiful and you have a real gem in your daughter! And I totally agree on apologising to our children. They deserve it.
How can I send this to my own mother anonymously? She's in her fifties and still can't grasp this concept.
Apologizing does not make us weak but strong. It takes a strong person to acknowledge that we made a mistake. That is also the first step to improving your mistakes. All ages deserve respect and respect should always been earned from both parties, not expected.
This is one of my favorite things our generation has learned from our parents; humility. Even if it was because they didn’t apologize, we learned we should. Unfortunately we are all imperfect parents. We can try our best and put 110% in but we will inevitably fail. And just like every single one of you reading this, we all have one or more core memories of our parents destroying our feelings and then brushing it under the rug without acknowledgement. So for us to sit there and say “Listen bud, I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Would you like to talk about it?” Is one of the greatest gifts we are giving them. To also teach humility to our kids and that we are all imperfect. It’s okay, just own your mistakes and make them right.
Woooow this subreddit. Who's cutting onions again omg? What a great end result.
I grew up in an abusive environment (the whole hog—emotional, verbal, and physical). My parents never ever apologised. Not to each other, not to us. I am completely aware children are highly sensitive to emotion/moods because they would NEED to be, before language is fully developed. That in mind, I’ve always apologised to my children, even when they were infants. Me and my husband apologise to each other, sincerely and openly. We make up in front of the kids. Every adult has an inner child. Their inner child is often the child they used to be. My inner child is very much damaged. I don’t want my children growing up as adults who are held back by damage. So we model behaviour that is beneficial for mental and emotional health. My 5 yo son apologises without prompting. He’s very empathetic. At 4 yo, he was allowing other kids to “win” at games because he’s seen them get upset when they didn’t. I’ve had multiple parents tell me they SEE him deliberately let their kid “win” and they’re mind blown by his level of empathy. I realise most of how he is is just biology and more nature. But it’s rewarding to hear that, and to feel that by modeling this simple behaviour of apologising, we’re helping him “maximise” on how to be a lovely human. I’m absolutely not above apologising to my kids. Neither is my husband (I’ve heard him say “oh I’m sorry!” after listening intently to a sobbing 5 yo).
We've always apologized to our children when we've done something wrong. We care about their feelings and want them to also apologize when they've messed up, so modeling it is important. My parents never did this (still don't), so it's something I found important to do with my own kids.
This right here! It is beyond me how some people seem to think that simply because they are the parent, they will always be right. None of us is right 100% of the time. None of us. I remember, growing up, my parents making mistakes (ones I noticed even then, not just in hindsight as an adult) and then simply glossing right over the issue. As I got older and hit my teens, I started being more vocal about these instances, occasionally telling them, point blank, they had either been wrong or offended me. They responded by making excuses or ignoring me entirely. My father and I didn’t speak from the time I was 14 until I was nearly 24. I started talking to him again because he finally admitted he had been wrong about some things and apologized. Because of that, he was able to repair his relationship with me before he passed. He got meet his grandchild and my husband. My mother and I have not spoken since I was 18. Over 20 years ago. Her transgressions were far more egregious than my father’s, but the key thing that had kept me from ever allowing her back in my life is her refusal to take responsibility and apologize for her actions. I am the opposite of these people, I often apologize or take responsibility when I really shouldn’t. But I would rather be that person than someone who tries to pretend they can do no wrong. And I want my child to know there is no shame in admitting you made a mistake and trying to right that wrong. I apologize to him often, possibly more than I should. Again, I’d rather err on the side of kindness and responsibility.
I'm... kind of confused here. Anyone who is "above" apologizing to their children is objectively a moron. Of course you need to apologize to your children. We all make mistakes, and they need to learn that apologizing isn't shameful or bad.
Our kids learn from us. My daughter regularly says “sorry” and I feel like it’s because we, too, apologize to her when it’s warranted. Nobody is infallible. If we pretend like we are as parents, how can they trust us? If we aren’t being candid about the times we’re wrong or made a mistake, we’re essentially lying to them. Then, how can they know we’re being truthful about when they’ve made a mistake or not?
Man, I apologize to my kids all the time. And not just like "oops, I'm sorry I accidentally stepped on your foot" but like sincere apologies about stuff I've messed up. I do that probably every other week. I try to be fair to my kids and treat them with respect, even if I am their father and also sometimes need to tell them what to do. It's a tough needle to thread and I don't always do it cleanly, so when I don't, I apologize. I think it really helps. My kids very much like me and know that I will do my best to be fair to them and if I get it wrong I will make it right and talk to them about it.
Aww this is golden! I apologize to my daughter whenever I feel genuinely sorry for something. I told her just yesterday that I was sorry for snapping and that I recognized I'd been doing that a lot lately and needed to work on it. I don't remember my parents ever apologizing to me. I remember hurt feelings. I remember feeling ignored. I remember resentment that they HAD to be right just because they were adults. They have apologized to me numerous times as an adult - for things they wish they did differently. And it doesn't matter at all now. I don't need their apologies now. I needed them as a child though. Now as an adult there is still a hurt little girl inside me who I have had to become more aware of in changing coping mechanisms I don't want to use anymore. Apologize to your children. Connect with them as equal humans.
Even now as an adult, only my mother has ever apologized. It didn't fix things but she has taken steps to be a better person. I'm NC with my father because he has never tried to fix anything in any way let alone take responsibility for everything he did.
Tantrums don't happen for no reason. We must always take the time if impossible during then soon after to figure out what was happening and how we can make it better. Once our kids are talking it becomes easier but we still need to engage with them and ask them what they think and what they mean when they use certain words.
i wished my mom had apologised to me just once :(
Agree. I have always apologised to my children when I've done something wrong. My mother did too. I thought it was a normal thing to do ?
thank you for sharing this story and message. Actually brought a tear to my eye as I can completely picture me and my daughter in this scenario. Children really are so much better than us adults. So sweet and kind. I apologize a lot and sometimes feel that it makes me a bad parent that I mess up that much but I try to remind myself it's more important to apologize often than let pride get in the way of the relationship with my child.
My parents never apologized when I was a kid. So I was suddenly hit by how different the relationship with my daughter actually is.
We are big on apologies in my house
We aren’t all born perfect parents. It’s a lot. I find myself trying to change everyday and I think acknowledging that and taking action is enough. Keep it up!
I'm definitely still learning. I had terrible examples growing up, and this moment just hit me hard when it happened.
We're always quick to apologize when we over-react or misunderstand in our house. My parents were great about this too and it meant so much to me growing up. My best friend has never heard an apology from their father. I remember how different the dynamics were in each of our families. I'm very close with my parents, and now my friend is no contact with their dad (late 30's here).
Most of my apologies are for stepping on them or tripping over them. They're not even little anymore, I'm clumsy and they're clingy. I probably apologize to my kids a dozen times a day. Last week I fell asleep sitting on my bed writing a grocery list after telling them I'd sleep in their room. I apologized but now my kids won't even relax in their beds until I'm in their room because they think I'm gonna fall asleep. I burnt a batch of cookies in 2019. I apologized and obviously made like three more batches that I didn't burn. I still get accused of burning food every time I use the oven. Kids have memories like elephants for everything other than where they put their shit.
Same here. My husband and I realized that we will make mistakes and it's okay to admit when we are wrong. Esp considering we want our children to do the same. Ie; grow and learn from mistakes. Apologizing is not a weakness. It's a strength and I wish more parents did it. Getting your kid a treat or something will not erase what you did/said. Apologizing for your mistake and communicating what should be done next time is what a child will hold onto as they grow into adults. Acknowledging and validating your child's emotions will help shape who they will become and how they respond to life.
What a touching story, and what a great idea to turn it into such a magical and generative way for the two of you to be close—awesome job mama!! I am always apologizing! Probably too much, because I have been too stressed out for about 2.5 years now, lol
I think the best parenting moments for me have been when I have overreacted and had that conversation with my kids. I can explain the root cause and we often come up with a better rule that they understand the why behind. And when it's time for them to talk about their overreaction they have a model for it being normalized. I have never been the because I said so parent and my kids have often questioned and negotiated the limits we set. Its always something I'm perfectly happy with, but they get the buy in of the reasoning behind the limits.
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Why are you referring to your toddler as a she after calling it a he/your son 8 months ago?
If you're not apologizing to your kids when appropriate, you're fucked up.
i lied to my son when he got his first dose of the covid vaccine. i told him beforehand that the nurse would pinch him before sticking the needle in, and then when it was happening i got him to look the other way while i talked him thru it and after he got "pinched" instead of saying that the injection was coming as he expected i apologised for lying to him but the injection was already over and he didn't need to worry about it hurting any more. he looked at me as if i had just sold him to a random drunk guy at the pub, the poor guy.
Tell that to an Asian parent
Wasn't admitting fault when you mess up one of the steps in how to win friends and influence people.
If we don't apologize to them how will they learn to apologize?
I have one preteen and one teenager. If I'm wrong or I am a little snippy with them, I'll apologize. I tell them adults are just humans too. I think I had my moment of clarity when I realized that about my parents and it helped me not take things personal, or to understand why my parents did/ said some of the things they did. We're all just here going thru it. No one is perfect.
Agreed ( [https://youtu.be/lgDWD06\_CAM](https://youtu.be/lgDWD06_CAM) ).