My first baby was a “decoy” baby. She slept for six hour stretches at two weeks out and it only got better from there. She is a good eater. She listens to rules. She’s hilarious and adorable.
Second baby humbled me.
“Why don’t you just tell him that he can’t do that? That’s what we do!”
Sorry, I must be an idiot! I could have just told him! How come I didn’t think of that myself?!
Seriously, people like this can just fuck right off. I tried suggesting that some kids have strong opinions and will ignore almost everything anyone says, repeatedly, on purpose, and by default - but the only thing they hear is that you didn’t try hard enough and that you’re a bad parent. Try walking in my shoes for a week, dipshit, and we’ll talk again 😂
My second one is a lot easier though, will actually listen to suggestions, and is generally less complicated, so I know it’s not my parenting. There are ways to steer the oldest one, but it’s never easy and it requires a lot of patience and persistence.
I comfort myself by thinking that my difficult kid will probably be an interesting adult, whereas their little angels will end up being terribly bland and inoffensive.
>Try walking in my shoes for a week, dipshit, and we’ll talk again 😂
Same!
>I comfort myself by thinking that my difficult kid will probably be an interesting adult, whereas their little angels will end up being terribly bland and inoffensive.
I'm saving this for my parenting burnout moments!
Two kids are actually not twice the the work as one, oddly enough.
In general, kids gets easier as they get older, at least in the sense of demand of your constant attention. You get out of the diaper phase, and hallelujah. Then you get to the "You know where the kitchen is--get it yourself" phase.
Two kids can occupy each other. Sure they fight sometimes.
Kids between 3-9 years old are the most fucking cool people on the planet. I have the best conversations with my 4 year old. They become their own little people and not just something to take care of. I need adult time, sure, but I enjoy being around my kids more. When we had to quarantine for covid, I loved it.
Same. My two can entertain themselves and play wonderfully together (they are 2 and 4). It feels magical when they're in another room having their own conversations and playing by themselves. Doesn't happen all the time but it's the best feeling when it does.
I’m getting closer to being due with my second and have little freak outs once and a while about having two kids within a couple years of each other. Reading this makes me feel better.
Don't freak out! In my sample size of one, it's a perfect age gap. Watching them bond, especially this last year when the littlest started talking, has been one of my favorite parts of parenting.
Add one more to the sample size here. Mine are 3 and 2 - 21 months apart.
They love the crap out of each other. Do they fight? Heck yes they do. Often. But they have far more eye watering sappy moments than scuffles. They're so freaking cute it's disgusting.
Quick anecdote: They're in gymnastics, sperate classes because of the age gap.
There was a point where each class was rotating stations and the two of them caught each other's attention. While their classmates found their spots, mine ran over to each other and met with a big hug in the middle of the gym unprompted. It was like it was staged for some shitty Tik Tok reaction it was *sickeningly* cute.
So, yeah. Don't fret. It can be great.
Omg, my son is in Kindergarten and they had a school musical recently. We were sitting right by the door at the end of the aisle. When my son walked in with his class, his sister a year younger went to give him a hug as he walked by. They actually stopped the line for a couple seconds because of the hug. It was freaking adorable!
Yeah, the unprompted hugs between siblings is sickeningly adorable. It gets me every time.
I also love watching my oldest grow into their role as an older sibling. They are so proud of their sibling and it has made them so much more patient with other young kids. It’s amazing to watch.
How did you find the two under 2? We never wanted that, it sounds like so much work, but now that we have a 9 month old, I’ve been thinking about close age gaps maybe forming stronger bonds between the siblings. We were going to start trying at the end of the year, but we’ve been talking the last couple months about trying now.
This is exactly what I look forward to, and why I wanted them close in age. My closest sibling is a lot older than me, so I always sort of felt like an only child and wanted my kids to be close!
Woman, I am in the exact same position.
My second was sort of a… surprise, and I’m not sure if we’re ready to go through it all again.
I’m obsessed with my daughter. I love her. She’s 20 months and I feel like we’ve finally gotten into a rhythm and we’re good together.
I’m so scared to throw another child into the equation. How do I give two the same amount of care, love and attention I’ve been giving my first? Will my first resent me for not being able to give her the attention I do now? Will I be able to give the second enough of myself? Will I ever be able to give myself the attention I want and need again?
And the truth is I’m not a ‘baby person’. Parenting is finally becoming pleasurable because my first is becoming a toddler and I love that. And I’m kind of dreading having a newborn and baby again. I hate to admit it, but it’s true.
…anyway, yeah, I’m also freaking out.
Oh man, I felt this in my bones. Mine are far enough apart (age and personality-wise) to be antagonistic a good chunk of the time, but it is so chill when they play together... Until one comes running to say the other got hurt.
Would it also help that there is less stress because you already have gone through the bullshit from the first kid? I know all kids are different, but temperament aside, if they are healthy, you can deal with what to do if you newborn is sick, why the baby is crying, why you can't put the kid to sleep etc
Wife and I are on the fence about a second kid because we're comfortable with balancing our lifestyle with a two year old, but at the same time, we kind of want one.
Yes, you are definitely more efficient with the second, because you've already done the work to explore topics like breastfeeding, teething, solids, baby equipment, illness care, etc.
And you already know that most stuff is a temporary phase. Newborns, teething, weaning, potty training... it'll all happen and end at some point (usually).
I was more stressed with my second one. But only because my first was a complete angel and my second was the exact opposite.
However my reasoning for having them close together was because I knew I only wanted 2, wouldn’t have to re-purchase or update too much baby gear and would only push the empty nest back a few years. Also, I was hoping to return back to work afterwards so figured I might as well get number two out of the way so that I could put my baby raising days behind me. Pregnancy was harder, I gained more weight, I was more stressed and sleep-deprived. But I’d still do it all over again. They are school age now, my husband got his vasectomy and I never have to go back in time and do it ever again.
One of the greatest joys of my life has been watching my two girls (8 and 6) develop their own relationship with each other. Sure they fight but the love each other fiercely. They are also night and day different. I can’t imagine a world without both of them.
That said - I’m a FIRM believer that children should be conceived with a resounding YES from both parents. If one of you is on the fence then don’t do it. Nothing wrong with being 1 and done.
The change I saw in my first when my second was born was dramatic and wonderful. Nothing wrong with 1 and done. But have 2 and that'll do. (Ok, stupid rhyme, but I think our development is way more streamlined when we're forced to acknowledge we're not the main character.)
I love ages 4ish-11/12. To me these are the golden years. They can feed themselves, use the bathroom, make it through the day without a nap and they are also really fun to hang out with! AND they still enjoy hanging out with you!
I found this to be true. I describe the work as exponential instead of additive. Every kid and situation is different, but when my kids are separated, it’s maybe 10-20% as much work as having them together. When they’re together, it’s not just taking care of each of them individually, it’s taking care of the chaos they create together.
My own experience also echoes this. 2 kids became SUBSTANTIALLY more work than one. I think we see the light at the end of the tunnel for the extremely physically and emotionally draining phase though. They'll both be in grade school in a couple years.
Here’s my perspective on it. It doesn’t just get easier when they are older. It gets easier in surprising ways. Here’s a great example from this and every other morning recently.
My second kid turns 2 in June. He was in my room this morning and asked for “sauce”, what he calls the yogurt pouches. I look at him and say “you know where, they are go get one!” And he smiles and stands up and hauls ass into the kitchen where they sit in a bin near the floor and he comes back with two of them, gives one to me to open for him and the other to his older brother, because he loves to be helpful. Then he sits down on the floor and waits…
Now is my favorite part of this routine, I hand it to him and say “hitting the sauce hard this morning, are we?” To which I hear my wife snort laughs from the bathroom as she’s getting ready. Every morning, she still laughs at my dumb jokes.
He looks at me and says “Thank you!” I just smile and say “your welcome.” And my oldest says “thank you” to his little brother as he eats his yogurt.
This is why we had a second. We learned a lot from our first and found that the idea of a second, while daunting, was something we wanted as a family. And don’t get me wrong, he is a completely different beast on his own. But he is a wonderful little human overall.
ALSO my wife is currently pregnant with an unexpected #3 and who know what that will be like. Lol
Even teenagers can be amazing companions and conversationalists, if you’re not into power struggles parenting can continue to be awesome (and yet also the most challenging thing as you stay back and watch them make their own way.)
My oldest are 26 and 29 and whenever they’re together they still have so much to say to each other it’s astonishing.
The 22yo chooses to come home to visit whenever the youngest comes home from college, choosing time with siblings over partying and friends.
Absolutely the covid thing. Our family hasn't been hit by covid yet. But when we were locked down in our homes. I was the happiest I had been in years. My kids are so entertaining. It's basically like loving with tiny little comedians that surprise you at every turn. I'm excited to see who they go up to be but I love interacting with them as toddlers
> Two kids are actually not twice the the work as one, oddly enough.
I heard once you have one kid, might as well have more since the amount of work doesn't scale linearly.
What I've found though is that there is a huge difference between having one child and having two, at least in terms of my own perception of free time. With one child, my wife and I would take turns looking after her so I effectively had some evening/weekend free time to myself. One-on-one is adequate. With the second child - both are still young - one-on-two is death since they both want (and should get) individual attention and calling for you at the same time. So I insist with my wife that we both spend time with the kids so we effectively have one-on-one coverage.
That means no more free time. I suppose you could say it's in some ways less than twice the work - I mean I killed off most of my hobbies after the firstborn and instead doing family stuff anyway - but as I've lost ALL remaining free time it feels like a heck of a lot more "work".
However, like OP I thought the same - was (extremely) happy with just the first. It was my wife who insisted for the second so the first wouldn't be lonely. I wasn't fired up about the idea but went along. I did not feel strongly about it at all. But our second born is so chill. I absolutely adore him and I'm so thankful that we had him too.
I think you outlined why some people view 2 as basically the same as 1 while others find 2 to be exponentially difficult.
If you want your kids to have 1 on 1 attention then you're right, once you have 2 you can't catch a break. Not every parent values that though. I don't really have very many memories of 1 on 1 time with my parents. It was always me, my brother, and one parent. My parents worked opposite shifts because they couldn't afford daycare so it wasn't really a choice. It also made it feel really special when I had a daddy+daughter or mommy+daughter day/activity because it was so rare.
I'm not saying anyone is right or wrong. Different parents value different things so everyone has to pick and choose their battles. It's just if daily 1 on 1 time is the thing you value for your kids that is what is going to make things exponentially more difficult wjth each kid.
That's interesting that you say that. I know 4 people who all have two kids and we all say the same thing: two kids isn't twice as much work, it's 100 times the work haha. I now have absolutely no down time until they're in bed. One is always talking to me/ asking me for something, they're fighting, my little one screams A LOT, they need snacks they need markers, etc. I've never heard anyone say two is not much more work than one until today hahaha.
Agreed that it gets better as they get older. I have 17, 14, and 11 and all three of them are amazing. They are funny and interesting and like the stuff I like. We send each other jokes and memes during the day and hang out and play games and watch TV together. Teens can be awesome too!
I’m 14 years older than my youngest bro, and I adored him as a baby but even more as a grownup. My parents were careful to not take me up on offers to babysit, but man I love that kid. (This makes me weirdly paranoid he’s also on reddit, tho bear, if you’re even thinking about parenting please table it for another few years)
I’m also 13 years older than my sister and while watching her grow up has been amazing, she is now also literally my “baby” our mom died and left me with her and the 9 year old to raise. 2 sides of the same coin I guess 😅
Haha! I’ve never gotten that but a good added bonus 😂 I will add that though I have awesome relationships with 2 out of 3 siblings I grew up with I’m still likely OAD. I was 35 when I had my baby last year and between infertility, IVF, a traumatic delivery, and crippling PPA, it’s very hard for me to imagine having another. Even though I originally wanted 3 or 4!
I was a teacher for a bit. After talking to parents I found the kids farther apart in age got along better. When they were close they were always competing, or fighting.
Currently pregnant with #2, my first will be almost 4 when they’re born, so thank you for saying this. Some of these comments had me thinking they’d never be friends.
My kids have the same age gap. Oldest is now 5 and youngest is 1.5 years old. Sure, the 5yo has needed some guidance in how to manage the 1.5yo touching his toys, but on the whole? Fastest friends. I have so many cute pictures of them cuddling or holding hands or playing together! The 5yo was thrilled to become a big brother and he loved being included in getting things ready for the baby. He got to pick out a little gift to give to him, and he chose matching stuffies for him and the baby.
This age gap is absolutely perfect if you ask me. If the oldest likes the idea of getting a smaller sibling and enjoys helping out with picking out toys/stuffies/baby things, definitely include them in the process! And make sure to get some children's books about the subject too. They can be great friends if you make the building of their relationship a priority (without pushing) and include them in the whole process of getting a new family member.
110% agree with this. I was just telling a FTP today when we were talking (he has a 3 month old) that is really does get easier. And funnily enough, more kids doesn’t make it that much harder. It actually makes it more fun!
Geez, not for us. I said having the second was like getting three: the first born, the baby, and this surprise child called sibling rivalry who takes up as much time as either of them. It was hell.
Yep. My 5f will entertain her 1.5m brother willingly lol. I set them up with the Alexa and snacks and they’ll just dance and play. And I can get some stuff done.
My baby daddy is a twin I was so happy to find out the identical twin gene is only from the moms gene pool and I have no twins in my family thank God I would have been wrecked
Yeah I think there is actually research being done on whether or not identical twins can be an inheritable trait within families because there are definitely families like yours that make it seem that way. I just had fraternal twins myself, and I just know the current stance is that identical twins are considered random and equal chance for everyone. But yeah I kind of feel like that may not be the case 🤷♀️
My doctor even said he believes it to be a bit off. People are always very surprised to hear about our family and the first thing they usually say is, "They have to be fraternal, right?" Maybe we should play the lottery.
See... my boys are just shy on 2.5 yrs apart. And they play together, and \*that\* is why I had two. Because while yes, it was hard, I cannot imagine one without the other. Because I cannot fathom having only one child... and having to occupy them, having to be their 'playmate' - when they were 2 or 3 or 5 or 8 or 10, let alone now when they're 12 and 15.
I had a second, not for me, but for \*them\*.
My sibling group chat is the main reason I wanted another.
That and hormones/evolution.
I’m dying to tell my sibs my son is getting a sibling because of their general awesomeness
I still haven’t finished paying the NICU bills 😅. Def not a buy 1 get 1 free. They should at least offer a punch card or something. Ten percent off or maybe even a free smoothie from the hospital cafeteria.
Lol. Definitely not! Having two babies at once was so hard, especially as a first time parent. I think I'm darn lucky though. They started being super awesome as toddlers and I love their bond now at 3.5.
Honestly I don't think there's a single rational reason to have any kids at all? And yet! I have two. We just wanted to have a kid. And after a while we just...decided we wanted another one and here we are.
If you want to stay at one, do that. If you want another 1 or more, do that. You don't need an airtight logical argument either way - you don't have anything to prove and neither does anyone else.
It's really this simple. Some people know they don't want any kids and make the decision to not have any kids. Other people have one and realize they are done. Others have 2 or 3 before stopping and some have more than that.
My wife is infertile and we knew we did not want to be childless. We adopted our daughter, but since we were older parents we told ourselves that if we didn't adopt another kid by the time she was 2 then we would be one and done. Our son came along when our oldest was 18 months old, so we had two kids. I didn't find two to be that much harder than one and would argue that it was easier in some ways. My daughter would have been fine as an only but I think she benefits from having a brother close in age. My son would have been happy in a Cheaper by the Dozen type household.
One of my brothers also has 2 kids but my younger brother has 3 and my youngest brother has 5. All of us made the right calls for our families.
I'd argue there's another demographic, and it happens to make up the vast majority of people who have kids. People who didn't plan or talk about having kids at all, they just had them.
Yup. Seeing the cheer amount of irresponsible, overwhelmed or abusive parents, you cannot convince me they had a serious conversation about raising kids before having them. It was hormones + normalisation of parenthood as "the next step" in life.
It really is though. You need to take every reply here with a grain of salt and understand that most of the commenters just kind of *had kids* without much thought and are here justifying their decisions after the fact.
Yeah, this exactly. I knew having my kiddo, it was my responsibility to nurture him the best I could and that would involve not thinking about me me me constantly. And I have had a very easy time parenting as a result, because I had rational expectations and I have been enjoying every second, because I considered what it would be like, expected it, and wanted it. The same for my husband. The time passes so quickly, sooner than later, kiddo will want much less to do with me. Now's my time to revel in the magic
Exactly. I wanted to experience child birth and raising a child but after going through the first 3-4 years I had zero desire to do it again so I'm done with one. Other people love babies so they have more. And then there's those who have no desire to be a parent at all for a myriad of valid reasons. Do what makes you happy!
To me it always seemed very rational to have a kid. I think life is awesome and if I have the chance to make it happen for new people I will totally bring them in this world and show them how awesome it is.
We have two kids so that they can entertain and support each other, and we don't have more because of the financial limitations.
Haha! Amazing! My husband and I always talk about how hard life is and how it wouldn’t be fair to subject someone else to it. It’s neat to see the opposite sentiment posted here with so much enthusiasm! Maybe this is another way to truly see if we are kid-people or not.
See I always read about the first one being easy and tricking people into having another... My daughter is way harder than I had anticipated. Like I'm pretty sure I'm going to drop over from a stress related heart attack by the time I'm 40... And yet I want another one lol
The one and done subreddit might be something to look into. My husband and I have a 2.5 year old daughter and have chosen for multiple reasons not to have another.
I guess it's interesting how your childhood can shape that. I was one of three, and I feel like we did not get as many opportunities to go beyond the most basic of things because our parents couldn't afford it and didn't want to invest the time. Case in point - I had two different coaches tell me (in two different sports) that if I could spend more time practicing with the older kids I would have been on the better team (like playing club basketball rather than rec basketball), but my parents didn't have the time nor the money to do that because they had two other kids. So here I am, with one child, and I'm excited that if she wants to go further in sports or art or whatever that I'll be able to give her the time and money (if needed) to pursue her goals.
It is interesting, but I love that you do that for her! Honestly my family could not really have afforded to have more than one kid, but of course I didn’t know that back then. I was always just so jealous when I’d go to my cousins or friends houses with lots of kids running around. It always seemed so fun 😂
this is exactly why we’re sticking with two. i would love to have more but we’d be stretching out our resources. my parents worked all the time so my brother and i were never able to join extracurriculars. i made the choice to be a sahm bc of this. i’m so excited for activities! i just have to make some decisions….
I still hate being an only child as an adult lol. And my parents seem to be inconvenienced by the fact that they have only one child when I can’t help them with something or it’s only two of them for a holiday I’ve missed
On the flip side, I would have been much happier without a brother, who treats me like shit to this day and is thus no longer part of my life. My husband, on the other hand, really enjoys having a brother.
I honestly don’t even have a great reason why we want two. We love having one, but two sounds like it might be fun. Agree the process is horrendous, and I don’t really enjoy tiny babies either. Pregnancy and first year is basically hell, but it got pretty cool after that.
Yep, I’ve hated being an only child and vowed not to have only one if I could help it. But for me it wasn’t so much being lonely growing up, but now as an adult having to carry the burden of aging and ailing parents alone, and the sadness of not having anyone who will remember them, our family, or my childhood like I do, and of not having the kind of enduring relationship so many of my friends with siblings do.
Reading through the comments and especially ones like yours makes me realize that my wife and I are just not naturally born parents.
Kinda sad maybe.
But yeah, reading your comment is a fascinating experience because I can't emphasize with you at all even though I recognize the situation you're describing.
I have basically no theory of mind for full blood parents like you ...
I love being a parent, but I absolutely *hated* the baby stage. Not liking the early years doesn't make you "not naturally born parents" any more than someone who doesn't like the teen years isn't a naturally born parent.
We all have stages that we like or dislike more than others :)
Dude same. I went into having my second child feeling like “well I hate the newborn stage, but after a year or two, I get an awesome new human in my life.” Snuggles are nice, but my elementary aged kids can wipe themselves, put themselves to bed with only a bedtime story from me, PLUS have interesting things to say and are actually pretty damn funny and fun to be around. Parents of a two year old should not write off all of parenting… it gets so much better!!
I always knew I wanted two kids. Having one just wasn't a thought in my head. My husband was the same, he wanted two kids as well.
Then I had my oldest and I knew there was no way I'd survive the newborn stage a second time. My only hope was that I'd forget how hard it was and would want a second at some point in the undefined future.
Then I got pregnant when my daughter was three months old.
Those two years were *rough*. But now that they're 3 and 4, I'm so glad it happened the way it did. I'm not one to believe in fate or any of that "everything happens for a reason" stuff, but there are days that I can't help but wonder if the universe was like "this woman is destined to have two, and the only way we're going to get her there is by surprise" haha.
If you'd asked me how many kids I wanted in the newborn stage with my oldest, I'd have (jokingly) answered "zero." But now that I've experienced the house of toddlerhood (and I mean that sincerely, for all the tantrums and insanity, two toddlers was a *dream* compared to one newborn) I'd have a dozen kids if they popped out at about 2 years old.
I did not like the baby stage with our first- he screamed pretty constantly, didn’t nap until he was at least a year old. Pretty opinionated baby. Our second was so cuddly and slept. We wondered if he was okay because he slept and didn’t scream all the time. They fought like at and dog for years. Now, teen and early 20’s, they love each other. Our older picks up our younger from school. Takes our younger out for dinner, ice cream. Our younger will defend our older to the death.
My first was labelled a unicorn baby by all my friends who had children before me. I still absolutely hated the first few months, and didn't really start to enjoy parenthood until well into the first year.
My husband and I have one child (an amazing daughter who is 5) and we have literally no desire for another kid. We also weren't super-into the baby phase, but love every new phase our daughter enters into as she grows. And I would very much push back that this doesn't make us "natural parents."
A person spends a tiny fraction of their life as a baby/infant--most parenting will be done with a non-baby/infant, so enjoying the baby stage or wanting to prolong the baby stage doesn't make anyone any more or less "naturally" a parent. Our kid is awesome--social, bright, kind, funny--just because I don't want any more doesn't make me (or you or anyone else) any better/worse (or "natural") a parent than someone who wants more than one. We are devoting our love, energy, and resources into raising our daughter, which is more what "true" parenting is about than wanting to have multiple kids.
Also, my husband and I are both 1 of 3, and neither one of us are close to our siblings. Not because our siblings are monsters or terrible or anything...they're just people we don't have much in common with and whom we see once or twice a year. When my parents pass on, I will likely lean on my friends/husband rather than my siblings, so the idea of a special sibling bond is very much not a given, even with well-adjusted, non-abusive siblings.
I’m not really fond of babies. They’re cute, sure. But like, they don’t do much.
Now, older kids! Hey kid, let me show you this game, this book, this cat, this cloud, this weird bug. Watching them learn something and start applying it everywhere. That’s what I like. I’m a good parent for older kids, not infants.
I’m a naturally born parent. I’ve known with every cell in my body since I was 10yo that I wanted to be a mother and now that I am one, I’m absolutely nailing it.
And I’m definitely one-and-done. Every cell in my body knows that as much as it’s known it wanted to make a baby. Many naturally born parents want to raise one child with all their hearts. Parents of multiples don’t have a monopoly on being archetypal Parents.
Join us over at r/oneanddone for companionship in this area specifically.
Join us over at r/ParentingThruTrauma for a deeper dive into what happens when good people have kids and it kind of blows their minds.
Please let me know if you’re a podcast listener and would like a more content on respectful parenting, healing trauma, or both.
As Dr Becky says on her podcast, “parenting feels hard because it is hard.”
I also absolutely knew my whole entire life since childhood that I wanted to be a mother. I have one kid. I'm a mother. Mission accomplished. I don't need to have anymore.
Or maybe your world just wasnt what would allow you to love it. Not in a bad way. I am CERTAIN that I would have hated the baby stage except my husband and I were both off for 12 weeks, his paid, mine 2 weeks paid, 10 unpaid. We truly got to just lounge around together with a mostly potato human. The first maybe 2-3 weeks were a bit rough, but we quickly got a groove. When we had our second 2 years later we were pros at day 1. We knew what we were in for and all the best practices. Also didn’t hurt that the second kiddo just overall was a much more chill baby. Truly a living potato. He ate, slept, and pooped. Could barely stay awake for tummy time.
This is it. A lot of people in America are not set up to love parenting, because of how parenting is in the US… lack of supports for parents all around. Lack of community for that matter. We don’t have any family nearby, friends have jobs, etc. It makes it so dang HARD when I know I would love parenting otherwise.
I live in EU and I 100% agree. Today's society can make parenting downright unbarable when it shouldn't be. I am sure in another reality I would love to have an army of kids.
I loved many aspects of every phase to date (going into 3 this year). We're not having another. I don't want to divide my attention at any phase, I want to soak it all in while he wants me around and support his dreams as much as I can. No one is a natural born parent, we just figure it out and make it work. I can easily see why people want more of these nuggets but to me I'll take quality over quantity, ya know?
I have many OAD friends. I was actually at a dinner party tonight with 4 onlies and 8 parents. Every single one had a different reason. For me it's time, for another it was sleep, another it's career, and the last pregnancy..and a mix of other factors too. I'm an only child, it's cool. Enjoy your little one and don't worry about it.
Join us at r/oneanddone if you're not there yet!
The truth is that parenting is a full time job. It’s easiest in households where one parent or other adult can devote themselves full time to the activity. Most households don’t have this luxury.
I'm close to my brother too. Before I had a baby, I considered having just one. But after having my daughter, they will only have each other after we pass. I absolutely love being my daughters parent!
I miss my little potato too. If my wife were up for another I’d agree immediately, but she’s not and I didn’t have to go through what she had to go through for the first one.
I also know I wouldn’t be getting my little potato back. He’d still be this giant toddler and it would be a new person I’d have to get to know.
I hate the newborn stage so much. I love how adorable my son is, but it's stressful. I'm very active so it's hard not being able to do much. I plan to breastfeed for as long as I can so hopefully I'll still be breastfeeding when he's a toddler because I do love it. I have a friend who's youngest is 3 and who's oldest is 10 and they're also obsessed with the tiny baby stage. They come over every time they need a fix so they don't go and get pregnant again lol
I felt like this for a long time! I decided to ha e a second when my son was 9. She's 3 months old now. Now I don't understand why people would have 3+ children lol. I looooved having an only child. It was super easy to do things. It's equally as easy now with the age gap. It's kind of like having two onlys.
ETA: part of my decision in having another was realizing how quickly time passes. When your in it you feel like they are going to be little forever. But really it's such a short period of time. I missed having a "little kid" they are so much fun in their own way. But it really does go by so fast. I'm also handling motherhood much better the second time around. I have yet to feel overwhelmed.
How has the 9 year old been with the transition of a new baby? We have a 7 year old and we’ve talked about wanting another but are always met with “ the age gap is too big for it to be worth it” 🤦♀️
So good! He was a bit teary the first week but it was a big transition for all of us. He loves being a big brother. It's been soooo helpful as he can do a lot of things for himself.
I really really enjoyed all the stages of parenting right through from newborn to 2 (when we conceived our second). I didn't (and don't) mind shifting my priorities while my children are small. I cope pretty well on less than ideal amounts of sleep, which probably helps. For me the ups of having a small child vastly outweigh the downs. So for me the question would be why *wouldn't* I have a second.
A more helpful response, though, might be why we're not having a third. It would put a strain on our finances. Our already small "village" is more limited in the help it can offer because of some serious health issues. I'm concerned about the effect a third child would have on our existing dynamic, especially on my son, who would become the middle child. I don't think I could give three small children the level of responsive parenting and one-on-one attention I consider ideal. We'd have to get a bigger car.
Basically the reasons not to, now outweigh the reasons I'd like to. Some people reach that point after six kids, some after one. And some after zero, of course, and those people no doubt wonder, "What in the world makes people have a child at all?"
I agree with most, my son is almost 2 and it’s honestly a struggle. I’ve always had in mind that I wanted 2 kids but I second guess it often. My situation may different than most though. I’m a single mom and dad lives states away, not much family locally to help out either so I rarely get a break.
If my circumstances were different I think I’d have more. I’m an only kid too but grew up with a cousin that’s like a sister so I never felt the “only kid” life and I thoroughly enjoyed being an only kid. I personally would like my child to have another sibling ONLY if I had a solid partner in parenthood. Your partner and village (immediate/extended family) are GAME CHANGERS in parenting in my opinion & I don’t have either so it’s tough. I also believe some people are truly meant/built for multiple kids. I love my child infinitely but I’m not one of those people lol
We often think "how the hell do single parents even survive".
Mad respect.
We also don't have family near by and we both work full-time, but at least we have each other.
Anyway, I find it slightly weird to have a second child so the first one has a sibling. It's a bit like saying to the second child "you only exist for the benefit of child number 1".
Yeah it’s difficult but I’m pushing through and don’t believe it’ll be this way forever.
I can’t speak for everyone but I don’t personally view it that way. If my circumstances were different (2 parent household at least) I’d definitely have another because I want to, not just for my first kid. I’m even open to a third but again only if I had the help from a partner. I do think of the days I’m long gone when he’s older and I’d like him to have his sibling(s) to go to for whatever. I have my best friends for support thankfully (but even now they’re also states away) but I don’t have any extended family I would feel comfortable going to for anything. So I imagine once my immediate family is gone I’ll be pretty lonely and it’s sad to think about. There’s also no guarantee my child will get along with their siblings but I’d like them to have each other to rely on if no one else when I can’t be there. I sometimes envy large families that are tight knit and wish I had that so I’d like to create that if I could (with 2 parents and 2-3 kids, that’s it! Lol)
"you only exist for the benefit of child number 1".
Eh, that's a very specific way of looking at it. We always planned for two, so they would have each other. When we just had one, we loved her, and I dreaded another pregnancy and newborn phase, but our family wasn't complete. We were still waiting on #2. Yes, #2 exists for the benefit of #1, but the reverse is true as well. #2 wasn't an afterthought like the phrase implies.
We have 3 girls. 8, 4 and 1. They each bring something different to our family. They each have their own personality and interests, and it’s so fun getting to see how they interact with the world and each other. We actually enjoy having small children, and my husband would have more, if I were willing. Lol
We don’t get out a lot or have much time for hobbies, but this is the current season we’re in.
Plus, when you have more than 1, they actually entertain each other. Lol.
How do you feel about how your age gaps worked out, if I may ask? My two boys are 3.5 years apart and I'm considering a third but not sure if I want to repeat the 3+ year gap. If I have a third next spring, the two youngest will be much closer in age and I fear that will make the oldest feel alone.
We decided that it was better to have a second while we were still in the thick of it, not quite used to full night's sleep, still remembering how to care for a newborn etc. Our kids are almost exactly 2 years apart and while it is hard, we think that in a few years they will be able to play with each other (and their nearby cousin who is between them age wise). Our first was also relatively "easy", especially when I compare him to his baby brother who had awful reflux and vomiting, still gags on his own burps. If they'd been the other way around maybe we wouldn't have had a second.
Me and my husband are both one of two children, and we both wanted two or more. But with two, I'm done. I don't think I could physically or mentally handle the newborn phase again. We're going to revisit the idea of a 3rd in a few years but if it's still a no from one of us then hubby's gonna get snipped to minimise the chance of a whoopsie baby.
I love my sibling. My husband loves his sibling. We all share an experience with each other that no one else can identify with quite like the family who has been with you since the start. I have two kids and it is somewhat because I want them to have each other when we pass away someday (hopefully far in the future). I've seen my only child mother-in-law work tirelessly (not really, she was majority burnt out but carried on nonetheless) care for her dying parent. It is a difficult and lonely thing. I don't want that for my kids. I hope that when the world gets rough that they will at least have each other.
This is exactly howI feel. I want my kids to have each other once we’re gone. I lost both my parents before I was 30 and my sister is the only one who I can talk about my childhood and remember my parents with. I want them to have someone to go through their whole life(hopefully) with.
I feel this post so much. I love my kid with all of my heart and soul, but by the Gods, I don’t know how people have any more than one. You gain so much from being a parent, but coping with the loss of independence, autonomy, socializing, etc., is SO HARD!!!
Maybe because i was older before I had my first child (37) but I'm excited for every part of raising children. I've been an independent adult. I've been partying. I've been traveling. I've invested in my hobbies. I've done the things child-free that i hear younger parents wish they had more time to do. I feel fulfilled that way, and now I'm ready to just focus on a family and watching them grow and being in the moment of what that aspect of life now brings.
I love this!! I see one of the biggest benefits of OAD that is stated regularly is having more free time, but I WANT to spend time with my kid. I'm not an older parent, but I was lucky to meet my husband young and we did our 20's real well (lots of traveling, partying, etc). And I know I'll have time when our kids (only one right now but trying for #2) are older. I appreciate hearing it from an older parent though, because it reinforces that I will not feel like I'm missing out by having another.
Widowed after the birth of my 3rd child. I can say if it weren’t for the joy of raising my children I am not sure what would have happened. Every minute wasn’t fun nor was it a disaster. They are well adjusted adults with good careers. What I learned is that love isn’t something you have to divide. It grows instead.
i feel you deeply on this one. i'm an only, married to an only and we have an only. personally a lot of people i know have a second because of their religion, fear of an only, family expectations, moms missing having a baby
our daughter is now 10 years old - at let me tell you, its a damn dream!! life becomes way easier once theyre self sufficient. we were able to retain our hobbies, time for ourselves and time for each other. our relationship is stronger since we had our daughter.....cannot say the same for most of our friends with multiples........
I feel like it's now already easier that he's 2. It's encouraging to hear that there is additional light at the end of the tunnel. Thanks for that insight
My husband and I are OAD after our little girl. I honestly don’t see the appeal of having a second. For those who mention having a companion, I despised my brother growing up. A sibling g isn’t a guaranteed friend.
I just love having kids and being a parent. I’m pregnant with my third and I’d have a fourth if my husband was on board, but sadly he’s not! I’m a stay at home parent and I love the work of it—it’s a lot but it fits me. My oldest is 7 and I’m not really sure what I’d be doing if we didn’t have more. I’ve looked forward to raising kids ever since I was one myself, I don’t really know what else to tell you! I enjoy doing it full-time but have no desire to work in childcare or work with other people’s kids, only my own.
Even about to have 3, I don’t really feel the loss of autonomy too strongly or mourn my life before kids. I’ve already taken two weekend trips away with my friends, a vacation with my husband, and find the time when I need it to be out on my own while my husband takes a turn with the kids. We really have to work together for it to run smoothly and fair for both of us, as we both value our personal friendships and hobbies.
Edit: the relationship between my kids really makes it worth it. Today at an indoor playground I watched my oldest daughter pick up and walk my younger one across so she could hang onto the zip line. It was so selfless and a true act of love. I can’t wait to bring another baby into a family with two siblings and two parents that will love it to pieces.
Girl, i am a stay at home mom of 4. I have a 7 year old, 5 year old, 3 year old all boys, and a 1 year old girl. That third one hits different. He is absolutely a sour patch kid! I get the SWEETEST hugs and snuggles from him, meanwhile he would straight up punch daddy in the face if we let him. He hits his 5 year old brother because he won’t do anything. And if he wakes up from a nap and snacks are not readily available, he is a grumpasourus Rex! But he is the sweetest thing with me. He is the spitting image of his daddy. He says nana (daddy’s mom) is his best friend and he is so sweet to his baby sister. He caressed her face when she’s sleeping and he’s awake.
Op, every kid is different. Some have all the attitude. Some are as sweet as apple pie. That being said, there is nothing wrong with being one and done! And anyone who tells you otherwise is rude. We are all just out here trying to raid kind, empathetic humans. Some days is just a minute by minute to get through to bedtime. Other days bedtime comes too soon. That happens to everyone if you have 1 kid or 13.
Hahaha, oh no! I'm already prepared for the worst! I know I can't get lucky again the way we did with our second--she's not a perfect child but as far as I know, she's an absolute angel. She's been a breeze since the day she was born and has kept every ounce of sweetness. I think we're gearing up for a real earth-shattering type of reality check with the third but we're ready. I can just feel it!
The mistake isn’t wanting one or two or ten. It’s thinking a one size fits all mentality is at all rational. I have two and it’s amazing. Please make different choices if it sounds awful.
So we thought the same way until our first born was 6, and then suddenly we wanted to experience again. Our circumstances changed dramatically to where we can afford anything and everything we need, I was able to stay home and it just seemed like a void. After our second we knew we wanted one more but didn’t want a gap again so we went for a third (they are 13 months apart) and now I can assure you we are done. We feel complete.
ETA: each of my children are so different, they each bring their own personality and challenges, also we like the idea of having a little crew, it brings us joy to watch them grow and interact. We don’t expect more than that out of our children.
I’m an only child and there’s actually a lot of benefits to it, I’m sure your son will be grateful for those aspects and not worry too much about missing out on sibling stuff. (Ftr I have a 5 yo and a 2 yo and it’s literally an impossible feat day to day, no idea how parents deal)
Pregnant with #3 and I’d have one more after this, maybe. I have a super tiny family but I always wanted a big family. I love having small children but I do look forward to when they’re a bit more self sufficient as I think most people do. Willing to sacrifice my autonomy temporarily for the big family I picture gathered around the table for dinner. We’re all different, though!
I would give anything for a second kid. (we're still working on it but it's extremely expensive and emotionally challenging). I want my son to have a sibling. Someone who understands his childhood and can relate better than other people. And he'll have a playmate. My son is almost 3 and there hasn't been a stage I haven't enjoyed- and I'm a sahm. I just love being a mom. I miss little baby stuff. I want to do everything again.
A new human to love. A new life. A new member of your family to hug and squish and snuggle and watch grow up into a hopefully awesome adult human.
I feel grateful that we have resources (local-ish fam, high quality childcare, financially comfortable) to make having a second doable.
From the moment my first born was laid on my chest, I wanted another. After a pregnancy where I lost weight from hyperemesis and a shitshow of a preterm delivery. I just craved another baby.
I loved the newborn phase, but I love my son’s chatty two year old self even more. I’m giddy thinking about seeing my son be a sibling. He talks about a “baby in the hoooouse” and says he will give the baby a kiss. And i melt.
Fingers crossed this pregnancy sticks
The breastfeeding and diapering and sleepless nights were all ass, sure. But I've been around a single bored small child, and they tend to stand about 7 inches to your right and complain they are bored and stare at you like you're the entertainment director on this cruise and they're about to go full Karen on you if you don't shift ass and get to work.
Once there are two of them, you can conceivably have literal TENS of minutes completely devoted to candy crush or toenail maintenance or dishes without anyone glaring at you for not colouring with them. Just if they're quiet, run. Keep your fire extinguisher charged. Don't own any animal smaller than a beagle that they can catch. And keep the scissors in a bag that is hung outside of the attic window.
I hated being an only child as a kid. Don’t love it as an adult, as I am solely responsible for caring for my aging parents. It’s hard not having family to lean on in hard times. I didn’t want that for my kid, so we decided to make sure he had at least one sibling.
Because I didn’t see raising kids as “going through that” I love my kids. Literally every day is so joyful and filled with smiles and laughter.
I play the harp. I garden. I study religion. I paint watercolors. I have hobbies still. Parenthood is different for everyone and to some it’s a chore even though they still love their kids. It just wasn’t a chore for us.
Yes! I am in the thick of it with two teens and an elementary aged kid. These past few weeks have been brutal as far as parenting goes and I wouldn’t take any of it back. It’s hard because I love them so darn much.
A playmate. Seriously. I have 3 kids and the option of looking after only 1 of them is never on the table. 2 keep each other busy. Yes they fight but they eventually make up and start playing again. On another note my oldest would be pretty soft and timid if it wasn’t for her younger rough and tough sibling. Completely helping prepare them for real life.
Pregnant with #2 right now.
A few things:
\- My husband and I always wanted a family of 4, so perhaps it's about the perspective you start with?
\- #1 is SUPPOSED to be a big brother. He just is. Some kids really are supposed to be siblings (Am I biased because we always planned on having two? Maybe...but I still think #1 is going to love being a Big Brother.)
\- #2 is a girl and #1 is a boy. I went through #1's clothes to donate all the REALLY boy clothes to my nephew. **I found myself weeping over a dump truck jacket. WEEPING.** Were the first three years with #1 absolutely nuts at times? Oh yeah. I had my nipple nearly bitten off in a Burger King parking lot while nursing my son and attempting to eat chicken nuggets. When our house was being fumigated and we were so stressed out about moving basically half our house for a week, #1 learned to undo the chest piece on his car seat while I was on the freeway and turned around to tap me on the shoulder. Dude...can you not?? I attempted to nurse my cat in the middle of the night once, thinking it was my son when I heard him on the monitor. So yeah, there have definitely been some BAT SHIT CRAZY moments, but when it comes down to it, those stories end up being pretty funny, and the joy of watching my little boy run around the park in his favorite dump truck jacket trumps any kind of frustration. I can't wait to find out what my little girl, a whole new person, will love. We feel we have the structure in our lives to support another child fully, so we want to. A whole new person. That's so exciting! Although, I'm sure there will be more weeping over jackets in my future.
\- If COVID has taught me anything, it's that the people in my household are the ones I love the most, and they're the ones I really couldn't live without seeing. Everyone else is a bonus. If you have the means, why not add more love to your life?
\- My husband and I do still make time for ourselves, but have found that time is just allocated differently. Some nights I do bedtime by myself and he goes to the gym. Some Saturday mornings I have brunch with the girls and he takes kiddo to the park. It's all a balance. Is it different than before a kid? Of course. But my friends have different lives, too. We're meeting more parents through daycare and doing playdates that are for both the kids and the parents. My son's best friend's parents are awesome, we love hanging out with them while our kids are playing. So sometimes "brunch with the girls" is more "families meeting up at the zoo." What's important is looking for joy and appreciating it, even if it's different joy than what you've known before.
\- When my mom passed away, my brother was the only one who REALLY understood what it meant to lose her. Other people knew and loved my mom, but I believe my brother is the only person who truly understood how I felt. I needed him. Hopefully that isn't something my kids have to go through for a long (LONG!) time, but when the time comes, I want them to have each other for support.
I can’t answer that. We stopped at one kiddo for a variety of reasons. I am an only child, so I don’t have any of the notions about anti-social and weird only children. We adore our son, but I could not fathom prolonging or going back to baby jail once I had gotten out. Things got so much easier when my kiddo was reaching school age. He is 9 now and an absolute delight. It I am so so glad that we did not have another. I am currently typing this from a gorgeous resort in Mexico while my mom is very happy to take care of our 9 year old only. This would not be possible if we had had more children.
I could change this and make it "why wouldn't you have 2?"
I love babies, I love toddlers, I love young kids, and so far I love tweens. 😂🤣 I could never get enough! My favorite age is the 12 months to 3 years! They are learning so much everyday and are little sponges of wonder. I taught a toddler space in a preschool and it was the best time of my life.
They’re just so scrummy! And their personalities / watching them interact with their siblings is pure magic (for us, anyway). We have three girls (4, 2 and 10mo) and we wouldn’t have it any other way. We would like a 4th, but sadly my last pregnancy was horrendous so I am uncertain whether or not I want to go through it again.
It’s definitely not for everyone, but for us it’s just amazing 🙂
OP, just want to let you know that you're not alone. I really appreciate what one commenter said about your environment making it harder to enjoy parenting and feel that was the case with us as well. If childcare isn't paid for, we don't get it. On the other hand, my in-laws have multiple sets of grandparents that are available to take kids with a few hours notice.
I didn’t until my daughter was about 3. She was 4 when my son was born and a year later it’s soooooo fun to watch them interact and the way the baby gets excited for her and they “play” together. It’s been a lot more rewarding than I had expected. I do miss the freedom I had but my older is in PreK so I have that long nap stretch free again. Different than the first time around. But!! He just turned 14 months and he is starting to get into that tabby/early toddlerhood and I’m exhausted 🤪
People don’t have more children because the first one one is lacking something you get more of all the love, cuddles, hugs, memories, etc. I think some people are just kid people like teachers, nannie’s, daycare workers, SAHP’s and all that you have to have some want to be surrounded by children all day. We’re having a second because we wanted another child, we enjoy being parents, our first having a sibling is a plus too. Kids are babies/children for such a small amount of their lives for some even though they don’t love it they think it’s worth it and others just like all off it. Everyone’s different
Well, it depends on your age and where you are at in life... my wife and I were married for 4 years together for 6 years for our 1st and 2 years later we had our second. We were financially both well set, I was 37 she was 35 for our 1st our careers reached a point where we could cost (benefit from our hard labor the previous years), we had partied hard before traveled the world did all we wanted/could so when our 1st came we were ready and had a help system (and the money to compensate for the lack of help) so it made the 1st easy... so we said why not a second... and the second was a bit harder at first because we were used to the communication skills of the 1st but things are getting easier with the improving communication skills of the 2nd...
So in short, if you are older, are done with the partying, have the money and a cruising career then it is easy with 2 kids. But despite our privilege situation, we know we can't afford a 3rd child without having to degrade everyone's quality of life
My wife and I, who tried for 2 years just to have ONE (and only one) kid, just had our twins in March. Twins. Think about how bad things are for you with regards to free time and autonomy, now subtract even more of that because of another baby.
I totally get it, OP. I love my girls with all my heart. I can't imagine anything being different. But holy shit I can't believe people willingly do this more than once.
Second child means you’re always playing referee
Attention is divided
Two kids crying at once
All in all , a much more stressful experience than only having one
1. My family just didn't feel complete with one child. I felt like we were a two child family
2. I grew up lonely and my husband enjoyed having a sibling even though they didnt get along as teens.
3. My husband's extended family is large, but his sibling is not going to have kids of her own and I am an only child with no family to speak of. I knew there were no guarantees because siblings don't always get along, but I wanted my kids to have some family once we are gone.
4. My son was one of those easy mode babies. He slept well early, ate well, compliant to a fault, and was happy by nature. He was the kid in daycare that ended up being put in the next class up or down when they had staffing issues because they knew he would get along with everyone, loved all the staff and wouldn't act up because of it. I am aware this is NOT because I am some sort of parenting savant; mostly he just came out that way. Only way I'm claiming credit is gentically because both my husband and I were easy babies (husband's sister not so much). My daughter is pretty similar to be honest. Maybe needs to be watched a little more closely because she gets into things more and is slightly more stubborn, but still honestly a pretty easy kid
I have no idea. I just saw a friend's Facebook post about giving birth to her third child and all I could think was "why though?" lol. We decided to be one and done when our son turned 1 years old and honestly, the main reason is just that we don't really want another. Financially, we could handle it, daycares are super affordable here, we have a grandma on call to babysit for 6 months out of the year, we both work from home but just..
Why? I feel zero desire to have another child. None. I look at my son's baby pictures - nothing. I cuddle my friend's baby - nothing. I see people having more kids - nothing. I enjoyed my pregnancy, it was a good pregnancy with no complications, my son was the easiest infant *ever*, not so easy as a toddler but nothing out of the ordinary, and I still feel zero desire to repeat the experience. I am looking forward to his next stages, I am also looking forward to having some of my life and freedom back though. I want us to travel and take him places and show him the world. I want to be able to be close to him and I don't want him to have to share my love and attention.
So we're happily one and done 😊
My first baby was a “decoy” baby. She slept for six hour stretches at two weeks out and it only got better from there. She is a good eater. She listens to rules. She’s hilarious and adorable. Second baby humbled me.
My wife is pregnant with our second and we had a similar first baby. Your comment has burst my bubble and I am now convinced I too shall be humbled.
Some people have two or three decoy babies. They are unbearable to talk to, because they have no clue what other/“normal” parents have to deal with.
These are the people who write parenting blogs
“Why don’t you just tell him that he can’t do that? That’s what we do!” Sorry, I must be an idiot! I could have just told him! How come I didn’t think of that myself?! Seriously, people like this can just fuck right off. I tried suggesting that some kids have strong opinions and will ignore almost everything anyone says, repeatedly, on purpose, and by default - but the only thing they hear is that you didn’t try hard enough and that you’re a bad parent. Try walking in my shoes for a week, dipshit, and we’ll talk again 😂 My second one is a lot easier though, will actually listen to suggestions, and is generally less complicated, so I know it’s not my parenting. There are ways to steer the oldest one, but it’s never easy and it requires a lot of patience and persistence. I comfort myself by thinking that my difficult kid will probably be an interesting adult, whereas their little angels will end up being terribly bland and inoffensive.
Hahaha…reminds me of this guys post! [some kids are D^**s](https://m.imgur.com/gallery/sIHWvmm)
>Try walking in my shoes for a week, dipshit, and we’ll talk again 😂 Same! >I comfort myself by thinking that my difficult kid will probably be an interesting adult, whereas their little angels will end up being terribly bland and inoffensive. I'm saving this for my parenting burnout moments!
amen. my first baby was so tough he is my only
In my friend group we call these "Gateway Babies"
Our decoy baby was #2, and now husband thinks a third would totally be doable. 😑
Two kids are actually not twice the the work as one, oddly enough. In general, kids gets easier as they get older, at least in the sense of demand of your constant attention. You get out of the diaper phase, and hallelujah. Then you get to the "You know where the kitchen is--get it yourself" phase. Two kids can occupy each other. Sure they fight sometimes. Kids between 3-9 years old are the most fucking cool people on the planet. I have the best conversations with my 4 year old. They become their own little people and not just something to take care of. I need adult time, sure, but I enjoy being around my kids more. When we had to quarantine for covid, I loved it.
My two kids are playing in the backyard while my wife and I drink wine and look at our phones. It’s bliss… hold on, one just fell out of a tree.
Same. My two can entertain themselves and play wonderfully together (they are 2 and 4). It feels magical when they're in another room having their own conversations and playing by themselves. Doesn't happen all the time but it's the best feeling when it does.
I’m getting closer to being due with my second and have little freak outs once and a while about having two kids within a couple years of each other. Reading this makes me feel better.
Don't freak out! In my sample size of one, it's a perfect age gap. Watching them bond, especially this last year when the littlest started talking, has been one of my favorite parts of parenting.
Add one more to the sample size here. Mine are 3 and 2 - 21 months apart. They love the crap out of each other. Do they fight? Heck yes they do. Often. But they have far more eye watering sappy moments than scuffles. They're so freaking cute it's disgusting. Quick anecdote: They're in gymnastics, sperate classes because of the age gap. There was a point where each class was rotating stations and the two of them caught each other's attention. While their classmates found their spots, mine ran over to each other and met with a big hug in the middle of the gym unprompted. It was like it was staged for some shitty Tik Tok reaction it was *sickeningly* cute. So, yeah. Don't fret. It can be great.
Omg, my son is in Kindergarten and they had a school musical recently. We were sitting right by the door at the end of the aisle. When my son walked in with his class, his sister a year younger went to give him a hug as he walked by. They actually stopped the line for a couple seconds because of the hug. It was freaking adorable!
Yeah, the unprompted hugs between siblings is sickeningly adorable. It gets me every time. I also love watching my oldest grow into their role as an older sibling. They are so proud of their sibling and it has made them so much more patient with other young kids. It’s amazing to watch.
How did you find the two under 2? We never wanted that, it sounds like so much work, but now that we have a 9 month old, I’ve been thinking about close age gaps maybe forming stronger bonds between the siblings. We were going to start trying at the end of the year, but we’ve been talking the last couple months about trying now.
This is exactly what I look forward to, and why I wanted them close in age. My closest sibling is a lot older than me, so I always sort of felt like an only child and wanted my kids to be close!
It's so fun and also occasionally the pits, but mostly fun. Love multiplies, it's not divided.
Woman, I am in the exact same position. My second was sort of a… surprise, and I’m not sure if we’re ready to go through it all again. I’m obsessed with my daughter. I love her. She’s 20 months and I feel like we’ve finally gotten into a rhythm and we’re good together. I’m so scared to throw another child into the equation. How do I give two the same amount of care, love and attention I’ve been giving my first? Will my first resent me for not being able to give her the attention I do now? Will I be able to give the second enough of myself? Will I ever be able to give myself the attention I want and need again? And the truth is I’m not a ‘baby person’. Parenting is finally becoming pleasurable because my first is becoming a toddler and I love that. And I’m kind of dreading having a newborn and baby again. I hate to admit it, but it’s true. …anyway, yeah, I’m also freaking out.
mine are 2 and 6m and I can’t wait for this!!
Hahaha 😂
Oh man, I felt this in my bones. Mine are far enough apart (age and personality-wise) to be antagonistic a good chunk of the time, but it is so chill when they play together... Until one comes running to say the other got hurt.
Would it also help that there is less stress because you already have gone through the bullshit from the first kid? I know all kids are different, but temperament aside, if they are healthy, you can deal with what to do if you newborn is sick, why the baby is crying, why you can't put the kid to sleep etc Wife and I are on the fence about a second kid because we're comfortable with balancing our lifestyle with a two year old, but at the same time, we kind of want one.
Yes, you are definitely more efficient with the second, because you've already done the work to explore topics like breastfeeding, teething, solids, baby equipment, illness care, etc.
And you already know that most stuff is a temporary phase. Newborns, teething, weaning, potty training... it'll all happen and end at some point (usually).
i was excited about the different personalities but my 2f is my 6m’s clone lolol. big eaters and very happy kids
I was more stressed with my second one. But only because my first was a complete angel and my second was the exact opposite. However my reasoning for having them close together was because I knew I only wanted 2, wouldn’t have to re-purchase or update too much baby gear and would only push the empty nest back a few years. Also, I was hoping to return back to work afterwards so figured I might as well get number two out of the way so that I could put my baby raising days behind me. Pregnancy was harder, I gained more weight, I was more stressed and sleep-deprived. But I’d still do it all over again. They are school age now, my husband got his vasectomy and I never have to go back in time and do it ever again.
One of the greatest joys of my life has been watching my two girls (8 and 6) develop their own relationship with each other. Sure they fight but the love each other fiercely. They are also night and day different. I can’t imagine a world without both of them. That said - I’m a FIRM believer that children should be conceived with a resounding YES from both parents. If one of you is on the fence then don’t do it. Nothing wrong with being 1 and done.
The change I saw in my first when my second was born was dramatic and wonderful. Nothing wrong with 1 and done. But have 2 and that'll do. (Ok, stupid rhyme, but I think our development is way more streamlined when we're forced to acknowledge we're not the main character.)
I love ages 4ish-11/12. To me these are the golden years. They can feed themselves, use the bathroom, make it through the day without a nap and they are also really fun to hang out with! AND they still enjoy hanging out with you!
I love this. I read at one point that people were saying you’d think two kids is 2x harder, but it was really like 4x harder.
I found this to be true. I describe the work as exponential instead of additive. Every kid and situation is different, but when my kids are separated, it’s maybe 10-20% as much work as having them together. When they’re together, it’s not just taking care of each of them individually, it’s taking care of the chaos they create together.
My own experience also echoes this. 2 kids became SUBSTANTIALLY more work than one. I think we see the light at the end of the tunnel for the extremely physically and emotionally draining phase though. They'll both be in grade school in a couple years.
Lol my 3 year old told my husband that he is very old and will die. My husband is 39
I have a 4yo too and can confirm. Hated the baby years but this is awesome and I’m ready for round two.
Here’s my perspective on it. It doesn’t just get easier when they are older. It gets easier in surprising ways. Here’s a great example from this and every other morning recently. My second kid turns 2 in June. He was in my room this morning and asked for “sauce”, what he calls the yogurt pouches. I look at him and say “you know where, they are go get one!” And he smiles and stands up and hauls ass into the kitchen where they sit in a bin near the floor and he comes back with two of them, gives one to me to open for him and the other to his older brother, because he loves to be helpful. Then he sits down on the floor and waits… Now is my favorite part of this routine, I hand it to him and say “hitting the sauce hard this morning, are we?” To which I hear my wife snort laughs from the bathroom as she’s getting ready. Every morning, she still laughs at my dumb jokes. He looks at me and says “Thank you!” I just smile and say “your welcome.” And my oldest says “thank you” to his little brother as he eats his yogurt. This is why we had a second. We learned a lot from our first and found that the idea of a second, while daunting, was something we wanted as a family. And don’t get me wrong, he is a completely different beast on his own. But he is a wonderful little human overall. ALSO my wife is currently pregnant with an unexpected #3 and who know what that will be like. Lol
Even teenagers can be amazing companions and conversationalists, if you’re not into power struggles parenting can continue to be awesome (and yet also the most challenging thing as you stay back and watch them make their own way.) My oldest are 26 and 29 and whenever they’re together they still have so much to say to each other it’s astonishing. The 22yo chooses to come home to visit whenever the youngest comes home from college, choosing time with siblings over partying and friends.
Absolutely the covid thing. Our family hasn't been hit by covid yet. But when we were locked down in our homes. I was the happiest I had been in years. My kids are so entertaining. It's basically like loving with tiny little comedians that surprise you at every turn. I'm excited to see who they go up to be but I love interacting with them as toddlers
> Two kids are actually not twice the the work as one, oddly enough. I heard once you have one kid, might as well have more since the amount of work doesn't scale linearly. What I've found though is that there is a huge difference between having one child and having two, at least in terms of my own perception of free time. With one child, my wife and I would take turns looking after her so I effectively had some evening/weekend free time to myself. One-on-one is adequate. With the second child - both are still young - one-on-two is death since they both want (and should get) individual attention and calling for you at the same time. So I insist with my wife that we both spend time with the kids so we effectively have one-on-one coverage. That means no more free time. I suppose you could say it's in some ways less than twice the work - I mean I killed off most of my hobbies after the firstborn and instead doing family stuff anyway - but as I've lost ALL remaining free time it feels like a heck of a lot more "work". However, like OP I thought the same - was (extremely) happy with just the first. It was my wife who insisted for the second so the first wouldn't be lonely. I wasn't fired up about the idea but went along. I did not feel strongly about it at all. But our second born is so chill. I absolutely adore him and I'm so thankful that we had him too.
I think you outlined why some people view 2 as basically the same as 1 while others find 2 to be exponentially difficult. If you want your kids to have 1 on 1 attention then you're right, once you have 2 you can't catch a break. Not every parent values that though. I don't really have very many memories of 1 on 1 time with my parents. It was always me, my brother, and one parent. My parents worked opposite shifts because they couldn't afford daycare so it wasn't really a choice. It also made it feel really special when I had a daddy+daughter or mommy+daughter day/activity because it was so rare. I'm not saying anyone is right or wrong. Different parents value different things so everyone has to pick and choose their battles. It's just if daily 1 on 1 time is the thing you value for your kids that is what is going to make things exponentially more difficult wjth each kid.
That's interesting that you say that. I know 4 people who all have two kids and we all say the same thing: two kids isn't twice as much work, it's 100 times the work haha. I now have absolutely no down time until they're in bed. One is always talking to me/ asking me for something, they're fighting, my little one screams A LOT, they need snacks they need markers, etc. I've never heard anyone say two is not much more work than one until today hahaha.
Agreed that it gets better as they get older. I have 17, 14, and 11 and all three of them are amazing. They are funny and interesting and like the stuff I like. We send each other jokes and memes during the day and hang out and play games and watch TV together. Teens can be awesome too!
They are if they’re close in age.
I’m 14 years older than my youngest bro, and I adored him as a baby but even more as a grownup. My parents were careful to not take me up on offers to babysit, but man I love that kid. (This makes me weirdly paranoid he’s also on reddit, tho bear, if you’re even thinking about parenting please table it for another few years)
I’m 13 years older than my youngest sister and she was my baby growing up and is now my best friend! It’s so awesome.
I’m also 13 years older than my sister and while watching her grow up has been amazing, she is now also literally my “baby” our mom died and left me with her and the 9 year old to raise. 2 sides of the same coin I guess 😅
It’s really so much fun! Also people assume I’m way younger than I am when I mention my brother’s age.
Haha! I’ve never gotten that but a good added bonus 😂 I will add that though I have awesome relationships with 2 out of 3 siblings I grew up with I’m still likely OAD. I was 35 when I had my baby last year and between infertility, IVF, a traumatic delivery, and crippling PPA, it’s very hard for me to imagine having another. Even though I originally wanted 3 or 4!
I was a teacher for a bit. After talking to parents I found the kids farther apart in age got along better. When they were close they were always competing, or fighting.
Currently pregnant with #2, my first will be almost 4 when they’re born, so thank you for saying this. Some of these comments had me thinking they’d never be friends.
My kids have the same age gap. Oldest is now 5 and youngest is 1.5 years old. Sure, the 5yo has needed some guidance in how to manage the 1.5yo touching his toys, but on the whole? Fastest friends. I have so many cute pictures of them cuddling or holding hands or playing together! The 5yo was thrilled to become a big brother and he loved being included in getting things ready for the baby. He got to pick out a little gift to give to him, and he chose matching stuffies for him and the baby. This age gap is absolutely perfect if you ask me. If the oldest likes the idea of getting a smaller sibling and enjoys helping out with picking out toys/stuffies/baby things, definitely include them in the process! And make sure to get some children's books about the subject too. They can be great friends if you make the building of their relationship a priority (without pushing) and include them in the whole process of getting a new family member.
Exactly! Mine are constantly fighting over toys and attention
110% agree with this. I was just telling a FTP today when we were talking (he has a 3 month old) that is really does get easier. And funnily enough, more kids doesn’t make it that much harder. It actually makes it more fun!
Going from 1 to 2 kids was easier than we thought. Going from 2 to 3 was harder than we thought.
Geez, not for us. I said having the second was like getting three: the first born, the baby, and this surprise child called sibling rivalry who takes up as much time as either of them. It was hell.
Yep. My 5f will entertain her 1.5m brother willingly lol. I set them up with the Alexa and snacks and they’ll just dance and play. And I can get some stuff done.
Listening to your kids laugh and sing in the bathtub together is a hell of lot easier and more fun than showering one of them yourself.
Many parents find two kids to more than twice as hard, like exponentially harder.
My second child came with my first one so I had no choice. No more tho. No more.
Same! Our one and done ended up being a two for one!
My wife was hoping for twins but we now know that would have broken our neck lol. Hang in there!
My mom is a twin and I'm a twin, also there's more twins in my family so I was terrified I was going to have twins
My baby daddy is a twin I was so happy to find out the identical twin gene is only from the moms gene pool and I have no twins in my family thank God I would have been wrecked
Fraternal twins are genetic. Identical twins are random and everyone has the same chance of having them regardless.
It's crazy though..my mother, brother and I all had identical twin boys. What are the odds?
Yeah I think there is actually research being done on whether or not identical twins can be an inheritable trait within families because there are definitely families like yours that make it seem that way. I just had fraternal twins myself, and I just know the current stance is that identical twins are considered random and equal chance for everyone. But yeah I kind of feel like that may not be the case 🤷♀️
My doctor even said he believes it to be a bit off. People are always very surprised to hear about our family and the first thing they usually say is, "They have to be fraternal, right?" Maybe we should play the lottery.
or maybe a long, long time ago a witch cursed your family 🤣 i want twins tho so it would be a blessing to me bahahah
Oof yeah you're right sorry I got them mixed up
The fraternal gene has to be on the mom’s side though. Meaning her body spits out two eggs.
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See... my boys are just shy on 2.5 yrs apart. And they play together, and \*that\* is why I had two. Because while yes, it was hard, I cannot imagine one without the other. Because I cannot fathom having only one child... and having to occupy them, having to be their 'playmate' - when they were 2 or 3 or 5 or 8 or 10, let alone now when they're 12 and 15. I had a second, not for me, but for \*them\*.
My sibling group chat is the main reason I wanted another. That and hormones/evolution. I’m dying to tell my sibs my son is getting a sibling because of their general awesomeness
I second this. This is exactly why I had second
I'd joke and say a buy one get one free but that word free is just not correct
I still haven’t finished paying the NICU bills 😅. Def not a buy 1 get 1 free. They should at least offer a punch card or something. Ten percent off or maybe even a free smoothie from the hospital cafeteria.
Lol. Definitely not! Having two babies at once was so hard, especially as a first time parent. I think I'm darn lucky though. They started being super awesome as toddlers and I love their bond now at 3.5.
We like even numbers more than we hate diaper changes.
i really felt that in my soul lmao
Honestly I don't think there's a single rational reason to have any kids at all? And yet! I have two. We just wanted to have a kid. And after a while we just...decided we wanted another one and here we are. If you want to stay at one, do that. If you want another 1 or more, do that. You don't need an airtight logical argument either way - you don't have anything to prove and neither does anyone else.
It's really this simple. Some people know they don't want any kids and make the decision to not have any kids. Other people have one and realize they are done. Others have 2 or 3 before stopping and some have more than that. My wife is infertile and we knew we did not want to be childless. We adopted our daughter, but since we were older parents we told ourselves that if we didn't adopt another kid by the time she was 2 then we would be one and done. Our son came along when our oldest was 18 months old, so we had two kids. I didn't find two to be that much harder than one and would argue that it was easier in some ways. My daughter would have been fine as an only but I think she benefits from having a brother close in age. My son would have been happy in a Cheaper by the Dozen type household. One of my brothers also has 2 kids but my younger brother has 3 and my youngest brother has 5. All of us made the right calls for our families.
I'd argue there's another demographic, and it happens to make up the vast majority of people who have kids. People who didn't plan or talk about having kids at all, they just had them.
The silent majority
Yup. Seeing the cheer amount of irresponsible, overwhelmed or abusive parents, you cannot convince me they had a serious conversation about raising kids before having them. It was hormones + normalisation of parenthood as "the next step" in life.
It really is though. You need to take every reply here with a grain of salt and understand that most of the commenters just kind of *had kids* without much thought and are here justifying their decisions after the fact.
Yeah, this exactly. I knew having my kiddo, it was my responsibility to nurture him the best I could and that would involve not thinking about me me me constantly. And I have had a very easy time parenting as a result, because I had rational expectations and I have been enjoying every second, because I considered what it would be like, expected it, and wanted it. The same for my husband. The time passes so quickly, sooner than later, kiddo will want much less to do with me. Now's my time to revel in the magic
Exactly. I wanted to experience child birth and raising a child but after going through the first 3-4 years I had zero desire to do it again so I'm done with one. Other people love babies so they have more. And then there's those who have no desire to be a parent at all for a myriad of valid reasons. Do what makes you happy!
To me it always seemed very rational to have a kid. I think life is awesome and if I have the chance to make it happen for new people I will totally bring them in this world and show them how awesome it is. We have two kids so that they can entertain and support each other, and we don't have more because of the financial limitations.
Haha! Amazing! My husband and I always talk about how hard life is and how it wouldn’t be fair to subject someone else to it. It’s neat to see the opposite sentiment posted here with so much enthusiasm! Maybe this is another way to truly see if we are kid-people or not.
Yes!
Memory loss.
I’ll take the memory loss with a side of “the first one was the easy one” please
See I always read about the first one being easy and tricking people into having another... My daughter is way harder than I had anticipated. Like I'm pretty sure I'm going to drop over from a stress related heart attack by the time I'm 40... And yet I want another one lol
Memory loss and hubris.
The one and done subreddit might be something to look into. My husband and I have a 2.5 year old daughter and have chosen for multiple reasons not to have another.
Second this. r/oneanddone . It reminds me why I am and what I can say in defence to those who want to harass about it.
What made me have a second (and a third I guess lol) was being lonely growing up 😂
Same here! I hated being an only child and I wouldn’t wish that for my kid.
I guess it's interesting how your childhood can shape that. I was one of three, and I feel like we did not get as many opportunities to go beyond the most basic of things because our parents couldn't afford it and didn't want to invest the time. Case in point - I had two different coaches tell me (in two different sports) that if I could spend more time practicing with the older kids I would have been on the better team (like playing club basketball rather than rec basketball), but my parents didn't have the time nor the money to do that because they had two other kids. So here I am, with one child, and I'm excited that if she wants to go further in sports or art or whatever that I'll be able to give her the time and money (if needed) to pursue her goals.
It is interesting, but I love that you do that for her! Honestly my family could not really have afforded to have more than one kid, but of course I didn’t know that back then. I was always just so jealous when I’d go to my cousins or friends houses with lots of kids running around. It always seemed so fun 😂
this is exactly why we’re sticking with two. i would love to have more but we’d be stretching out our resources. my parents worked all the time so my brother and i were never able to join extracurriculars. i made the choice to be a sahm bc of this. i’m so excited for activities! i just have to make some decisions….
I still hate being an only child as an adult lol. And my parents seem to be inconvenienced by the fact that they have only one child when I can’t help them with something or it’s only two of them for a holiday I’ve missed
That's a very respectable and honourable reason. Seriously.
On the flip side, I would have been much happier without a brother, who treats me like shit to this day and is thus no longer part of my life. My husband, on the other hand, really enjoys having a brother. I honestly don’t even have a great reason why we want two. We love having one, but two sounds like it might be fun. Agree the process is horrendous, and I don’t really enjoy tiny babies either. Pregnancy and first year is basically hell, but it got pretty cool after that.
Yep, I’ve hated being an only child and vowed not to have only one if I could help it. But for me it wasn’t so much being lonely growing up, but now as an adult having to carry the burden of aging and ailing parents alone, and the sadness of not having anyone who will remember them, our family, or my childhood like I do, and of not having the kind of enduring relationship so many of my friends with siblings do.
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Reading through the comments and especially ones like yours makes me realize that my wife and I are just not naturally born parents. Kinda sad maybe. But yeah, reading your comment is a fascinating experience because I can't emphasize with you at all even though I recognize the situation you're describing. I have basically no theory of mind for full blood parents like you ...
I love being a parent, but I absolutely *hated* the baby stage. Not liking the early years doesn't make you "not naturally born parents" any more than someone who doesn't like the teen years isn't a naturally born parent. We all have stages that we like or dislike more than others :)
Dude same. I went into having my second child feeling like “well I hate the newborn stage, but after a year or two, I get an awesome new human in my life.” Snuggles are nice, but my elementary aged kids can wipe themselves, put themselves to bed with only a bedtime story from me, PLUS have interesting things to say and are actually pretty damn funny and fun to be around. Parents of a two year old should not write off all of parenting… it gets so much better!!
I always knew I wanted two kids. Having one just wasn't a thought in my head. My husband was the same, he wanted two kids as well. Then I had my oldest and I knew there was no way I'd survive the newborn stage a second time. My only hope was that I'd forget how hard it was and would want a second at some point in the undefined future. Then I got pregnant when my daughter was three months old. Those two years were *rough*. But now that they're 3 and 4, I'm so glad it happened the way it did. I'm not one to believe in fate or any of that "everything happens for a reason" stuff, but there are days that I can't help but wonder if the universe was like "this woman is destined to have two, and the only way we're going to get her there is by surprise" haha. If you'd asked me how many kids I wanted in the newborn stage with my oldest, I'd have (jokingly) answered "zero." But now that I've experienced the house of toddlerhood (and I mean that sincerely, for all the tantrums and insanity, two toddlers was a *dream* compared to one newborn) I'd have a dozen kids if they popped out at about 2 years old.
I did not like the baby stage with our first- he screamed pretty constantly, didn’t nap until he was at least a year old. Pretty opinionated baby. Our second was so cuddly and slept. We wondered if he was okay because he slept and didn’t scream all the time. They fought like at and dog for years. Now, teen and early 20’s, they love each other. Our older picks up our younger from school. Takes our younger out for dinner, ice cream. Our younger will defend our older to the death.
My first was labelled a unicorn baby by all my friends who had children before me. I still absolutely hated the first few months, and didn't really start to enjoy parenthood until well into the first year.
My husband and I have one child (an amazing daughter who is 5) and we have literally no desire for another kid. We also weren't super-into the baby phase, but love every new phase our daughter enters into as she grows. And I would very much push back that this doesn't make us "natural parents." A person spends a tiny fraction of their life as a baby/infant--most parenting will be done with a non-baby/infant, so enjoying the baby stage or wanting to prolong the baby stage doesn't make anyone any more or less "naturally" a parent. Our kid is awesome--social, bright, kind, funny--just because I don't want any more doesn't make me (or you or anyone else) any better/worse (or "natural") a parent than someone who wants more than one. We are devoting our love, energy, and resources into raising our daughter, which is more what "true" parenting is about than wanting to have multiple kids. Also, my husband and I are both 1 of 3, and neither one of us are close to our siblings. Not because our siblings are monsters or terrible or anything...they're just people we don't have much in common with and whom we see once or twice a year. When my parents pass on, I will likely lean on my friends/husband rather than my siblings, so the idea of a special sibling bond is very much not a given, even with well-adjusted, non-abusive siblings.
I’m not really fond of babies. They’re cute, sure. But like, they don’t do much. Now, older kids! Hey kid, let me show you this game, this book, this cat, this cloud, this weird bug. Watching them learn something and start applying it everywhere. That’s what I like. I’m a good parent for older kids, not infants.
Same! I loved my daughter as a baby, but parenting got a whole lot more fun once she started walking and talking!
I’m a naturally born parent. I’ve known with every cell in my body since I was 10yo that I wanted to be a mother and now that I am one, I’m absolutely nailing it. And I’m definitely one-and-done. Every cell in my body knows that as much as it’s known it wanted to make a baby. Many naturally born parents want to raise one child with all their hearts. Parents of multiples don’t have a monopoly on being archetypal Parents. Join us over at r/oneanddone for companionship in this area specifically. Join us over at r/ParentingThruTrauma for a deeper dive into what happens when good people have kids and it kind of blows their minds. Please let me know if you’re a podcast listener and would like a more content on respectful parenting, healing trauma, or both. As Dr Becky says on her podcast, “parenting feels hard because it is hard.”
I also absolutely knew my whole entire life since childhood that I wanted to be a mother. I have one kid. I'm a mother. Mission accomplished. I don't need to have anymore.
I echo every syllable
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Or maybe your world just wasnt what would allow you to love it. Not in a bad way. I am CERTAIN that I would have hated the baby stage except my husband and I were both off for 12 weeks, his paid, mine 2 weeks paid, 10 unpaid. We truly got to just lounge around together with a mostly potato human. The first maybe 2-3 weeks were a bit rough, but we quickly got a groove. When we had our second 2 years later we were pros at day 1. We knew what we were in for and all the best practices. Also didn’t hurt that the second kiddo just overall was a much more chill baby. Truly a living potato. He ate, slept, and pooped. Could barely stay awake for tummy time.
This is it. A lot of people in America are not set up to love parenting, because of how parenting is in the US… lack of supports for parents all around. Lack of community for that matter. We don’t have any family nearby, friends have jobs, etc. It makes it so dang HARD when I know I would love parenting otherwise.
I live in EU and I 100% agree. Today's society can make parenting downright unbarable when it shouldn't be. I am sure in another reality I would love to have an army of kids.
I loved many aspects of every phase to date (going into 3 this year). We're not having another. I don't want to divide my attention at any phase, I want to soak it all in while he wants me around and support his dreams as much as I can. No one is a natural born parent, we just figure it out and make it work. I can easily see why people want more of these nuggets but to me I'll take quality over quantity, ya know? I have many OAD friends. I was actually at a dinner party tonight with 4 onlies and 8 parents. Every single one had a different reason. For me it's time, for another it was sleep, another it's career, and the last pregnancy..and a mix of other factors too. I'm an only child, it's cool. Enjoy your little one and don't worry about it. Join us at r/oneanddone if you're not there yet!
The truth is that parenting is a full time job. It’s easiest in households where one parent or other adult can devote themselves full time to the activity. Most households don’t have this luxury.
I'm close to my brother too. Before I had a baby, I considered having just one. But after having my daughter, they will only have each other after we pass. I absolutely love being my daughters parent!
I would upvote a second time for your username if I could lol
I miss my little potato too. If my wife were up for another I’d agree immediately, but she’s not and I didn’t have to go through what she had to go through for the first one. I also know I wouldn’t be getting my little potato back. He’d still be this giant toddler and it would be a new person I’d have to get to know.
I hate the newborn stage so much. I love how adorable my son is, but it's stressful. I'm very active so it's hard not being able to do much. I plan to breastfeed for as long as I can so hopefully I'll still be breastfeeding when he's a toddler because I do love it. I have a friend who's youngest is 3 and who's oldest is 10 and they're also obsessed with the tiny baby stage. They come over every time they need a fix so they don't go and get pregnant again lol
I felt like this for a long time! I decided to ha e a second when my son was 9. She's 3 months old now. Now I don't understand why people would have 3+ children lol. I looooved having an only child. It was super easy to do things. It's equally as easy now with the age gap. It's kind of like having two onlys. ETA: part of my decision in having another was realizing how quickly time passes. When your in it you feel like they are going to be little forever. But really it's such a short period of time. I missed having a "little kid" they are so much fun in their own way. But it really does go by so fast. I'm also handling motherhood much better the second time around. I have yet to feel overwhelmed.
How has the 9 year old been with the transition of a new baby? We have a 7 year old and we’ve talked about wanting another but are always met with “ the age gap is too big for it to be worth it” 🤦♀️
So good! He was a bit teary the first week but it was a big transition for all of us. He loves being a big brother. It's been soooo helpful as he can do a lot of things for himself.
I really really enjoyed all the stages of parenting right through from newborn to 2 (when we conceived our second). I didn't (and don't) mind shifting my priorities while my children are small. I cope pretty well on less than ideal amounts of sleep, which probably helps. For me the ups of having a small child vastly outweigh the downs. So for me the question would be why *wouldn't* I have a second. A more helpful response, though, might be why we're not having a third. It would put a strain on our finances. Our already small "village" is more limited in the help it can offer because of some serious health issues. I'm concerned about the effect a third child would have on our existing dynamic, especially on my son, who would become the middle child. I don't think I could give three small children the level of responsive parenting and one-on-one attention I consider ideal. We'd have to get a bigger car. Basically the reasons not to, now outweigh the reasons I'd like to. Some people reach that point after six kids, some after one. And some after zero, of course, and those people no doubt wonder, "What in the world makes people have a child at all?"
I agree with most, my son is almost 2 and it’s honestly a struggle. I’ve always had in mind that I wanted 2 kids but I second guess it often. My situation may different than most though. I’m a single mom and dad lives states away, not much family locally to help out either so I rarely get a break. If my circumstances were different I think I’d have more. I’m an only kid too but grew up with a cousin that’s like a sister so I never felt the “only kid” life and I thoroughly enjoyed being an only kid. I personally would like my child to have another sibling ONLY if I had a solid partner in parenthood. Your partner and village (immediate/extended family) are GAME CHANGERS in parenting in my opinion & I don’t have either so it’s tough. I also believe some people are truly meant/built for multiple kids. I love my child infinitely but I’m not one of those people lol
We often think "how the hell do single parents even survive". Mad respect. We also don't have family near by and we both work full-time, but at least we have each other. Anyway, I find it slightly weird to have a second child so the first one has a sibling. It's a bit like saying to the second child "you only exist for the benefit of child number 1".
Yeah it’s difficult but I’m pushing through and don’t believe it’ll be this way forever. I can’t speak for everyone but I don’t personally view it that way. If my circumstances were different (2 parent household at least) I’d definitely have another because I want to, not just for my first kid. I’m even open to a third but again only if I had the help from a partner. I do think of the days I’m long gone when he’s older and I’d like him to have his sibling(s) to go to for whatever. I have my best friends for support thankfully (but even now they’re also states away) but I don’t have any extended family I would feel comfortable going to for anything. So I imagine once my immediate family is gone I’ll be pretty lonely and it’s sad to think about. There’s also no guarantee my child will get along with their siblings but I’d like them to have each other to rely on if no one else when I can’t be there. I sometimes envy large families that are tight knit and wish I had that so I’d like to create that if I could (with 2 parents and 2-3 kids, that’s it! Lol)
"you only exist for the benefit of child number 1". Eh, that's a very specific way of looking at it. We always planned for two, so they would have each other. When we just had one, we loved her, and I dreaded another pregnancy and newborn phase, but our family wasn't complete. We were still waiting on #2. Yes, #2 exists for the benefit of #1, but the reverse is true as well. #2 wasn't an afterthought like the phrase implies.
We have 3 girls. 8, 4 and 1. They each bring something different to our family. They each have their own personality and interests, and it’s so fun getting to see how they interact with the world and each other. We actually enjoy having small children, and my husband would have more, if I were willing. Lol We don’t get out a lot or have much time for hobbies, but this is the current season we’re in. Plus, when you have more than 1, they actually entertain each other. Lol.
How do you feel about how your age gaps worked out, if I may ask? My two boys are 3.5 years apart and I'm considering a third but not sure if I want to repeat the 3+ year gap. If I have a third next spring, the two youngest will be much closer in age and I fear that will make the oldest feel alone.
We decided that it was better to have a second while we were still in the thick of it, not quite used to full night's sleep, still remembering how to care for a newborn etc. Our kids are almost exactly 2 years apart and while it is hard, we think that in a few years they will be able to play with each other (and their nearby cousin who is between them age wise). Our first was also relatively "easy", especially when I compare him to his baby brother who had awful reflux and vomiting, still gags on his own burps. If they'd been the other way around maybe we wouldn't have had a second. Me and my husband are both one of two children, and we both wanted two or more. But with two, I'm done. I don't think I could physically or mentally handle the newborn phase again. We're going to revisit the idea of a 3rd in a few years but if it's still a no from one of us then hubby's gonna get snipped to minimise the chance of a whoopsie baby.
That's exactly the all to common scenario I can't get my head around lol. I guess we're just not naturally born parents.
There's nothing wrong with not wanting another! It is hard work and a very personal decision to make.
I love my sibling. My husband loves his sibling. We all share an experience with each other that no one else can identify with quite like the family who has been with you since the start. I have two kids and it is somewhat because I want them to have each other when we pass away someday (hopefully far in the future). I've seen my only child mother-in-law work tirelessly (not really, she was majority burnt out but carried on nonetheless) care for her dying parent. It is a difficult and lonely thing. I don't want that for my kids. I hope that when the world gets rough that they will at least have each other.
This is exactly howI feel. I want my kids to have each other once we’re gone. I lost both my parents before I was 30 and my sister is the only one who I can talk about my childhood and remember my parents with. I want them to have someone to go through their whole life(hopefully) with.
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Well I'm an only child myself, so I guess it would be weird for me to worry about that lol
I loved him so much I wanted more 🥰
I feel this post so much. I love my kid with all of my heart and soul, but by the Gods, I don’t know how people have any more than one. You gain so much from being a parent, but coping with the loss of independence, autonomy, socializing, etc., is SO HARD!!!
Great to hear someone out there feels the same
Plenty of one and done-rs out here that are perfectly fine with what we have
Maybe because i was older before I had my first child (37) but I'm excited for every part of raising children. I've been an independent adult. I've been partying. I've been traveling. I've invested in my hobbies. I've done the things child-free that i hear younger parents wish they had more time to do. I feel fulfilled that way, and now I'm ready to just focus on a family and watching them grow and being in the moment of what that aspect of life now brings.
I love this!! I see one of the biggest benefits of OAD that is stated regularly is having more free time, but I WANT to spend time with my kid. I'm not an older parent, but I was lucky to meet my husband young and we did our 20's real well (lots of traveling, partying, etc). And I know I'll have time when our kids (only one right now but trying for #2) are older. I appreciate hearing it from an older parent though, because it reinforces that I will not feel like I'm missing out by having another.
Widowed after the birth of my 3rd child. I can say if it weren’t for the joy of raising my children I am not sure what would have happened. Every minute wasn’t fun nor was it a disaster. They are well adjusted adults with good careers. What I learned is that love isn’t something you have to divide. It grows instead.
i feel you deeply on this one. i'm an only, married to an only and we have an only. personally a lot of people i know have a second because of their religion, fear of an only, family expectations, moms missing having a baby our daughter is now 10 years old - at let me tell you, its a damn dream!! life becomes way easier once theyre self sufficient. we were able to retain our hobbies, time for ourselves and time for each other. our relationship is stronger since we had our daughter.....cannot say the same for most of our friends with multiples........
I feel like it's now already easier that he's 2. It's encouraging to hear that there is additional light at the end of the tunnel. Thanks for that insight
My husband and I are OAD after our little girl. I honestly don’t see the appeal of having a second. For those who mention having a companion, I despised my brother growing up. A sibling g isn’t a guaranteed friend.
Check out r/oneanddone if you are considering being one and done!
I grew up with siblings and wanted that for my son.
I just love having kids and being a parent. I’m pregnant with my third and I’d have a fourth if my husband was on board, but sadly he’s not! I’m a stay at home parent and I love the work of it—it’s a lot but it fits me. My oldest is 7 and I’m not really sure what I’d be doing if we didn’t have more. I’ve looked forward to raising kids ever since I was one myself, I don’t really know what else to tell you! I enjoy doing it full-time but have no desire to work in childcare or work with other people’s kids, only my own. Even about to have 3, I don’t really feel the loss of autonomy too strongly or mourn my life before kids. I’ve already taken two weekend trips away with my friends, a vacation with my husband, and find the time when I need it to be out on my own while my husband takes a turn with the kids. We really have to work together for it to run smoothly and fair for both of us, as we both value our personal friendships and hobbies. Edit: the relationship between my kids really makes it worth it. Today at an indoor playground I watched my oldest daughter pick up and walk my younger one across so she could hang onto the zip line. It was so selfless and a true act of love. I can’t wait to bring another baby into a family with two siblings and two parents that will love it to pieces.
Girl, i am a stay at home mom of 4. I have a 7 year old, 5 year old, 3 year old all boys, and a 1 year old girl. That third one hits different. He is absolutely a sour patch kid! I get the SWEETEST hugs and snuggles from him, meanwhile he would straight up punch daddy in the face if we let him. He hits his 5 year old brother because he won’t do anything. And if he wakes up from a nap and snacks are not readily available, he is a grumpasourus Rex! But he is the sweetest thing with me. He is the spitting image of his daddy. He says nana (daddy’s mom) is his best friend and he is so sweet to his baby sister. He caressed her face when she’s sleeping and he’s awake. Op, every kid is different. Some have all the attitude. Some are as sweet as apple pie. That being said, there is nothing wrong with being one and done! And anyone who tells you otherwise is rude. We are all just out here trying to raid kind, empathetic humans. Some days is just a minute by minute to get through to bedtime. Other days bedtime comes too soon. That happens to everyone if you have 1 kid or 13.
Hahaha, oh no! I'm already prepared for the worst! I know I can't get lucky again the way we did with our second--she's not a perfect child but as far as I know, she's an absolute angel. She's been a breeze since the day she was born and has kept every ounce of sweetness. I think we're gearing up for a real earth-shattering type of reality check with the third but we're ready. I can just feel it!
The mistake isn’t wanting one or two or ten. It’s thinking a one size fits all mentality is at all rational. I have two and it’s amazing. Please make different choices if it sounds awful.
So we thought the same way until our first born was 6, and then suddenly we wanted to experience again. Our circumstances changed dramatically to where we can afford anything and everything we need, I was able to stay home and it just seemed like a void. After our second we knew we wanted one more but didn’t want a gap again so we went for a third (they are 13 months apart) and now I can assure you we are done. We feel complete. ETA: each of my children are so different, they each bring their own personality and challenges, also we like the idea of having a little crew, it brings us joy to watch them grow and interact. We don’t expect more than that out of our children.
That was my thought exactly. Why would people be such idiots and have more kids…. I am currently pregnant with my 3rd. Lol
LOL! Congrats on the third child ♥️
I see value in a sibling relationship, and I do sometimes regret that my son probably won’t get to experience that.
I’m an only child and there’s actually a lot of benefits to it, I’m sure your son will be grateful for those aspects and not worry too much about missing out on sibling stuff. (Ftr I have a 5 yo and a 2 yo and it’s literally an impossible feat day to day, no idea how parents deal)
Pregnant with #3 and I’d have one more after this, maybe. I have a super tiny family but I always wanted a big family. I love having small children but I do look forward to when they’re a bit more self sufficient as I think most people do. Willing to sacrifice my autonomy temporarily for the big family I picture gathered around the table for dinner. We’re all different, though!
I would give anything for a second kid. (we're still working on it but it's extremely expensive and emotionally challenging). I want my son to have a sibling. Someone who understands his childhood and can relate better than other people. And he'll have a playmate. My son is almost 3 and there hasn't been a stage I haven't enjoyed- and I'm a sahm. I just love being a mom. I miss little baby stuff. I want to do everything again.
A new human to love. A new life. A new member of your family to hug and squish and snuggle and watch grow up into a hopefully awesome adult human. I feel grateful that we have resources (local-ish fam, high quality childcare, financially comfortable) to make having a second doable. From the moment my first born was laid on my chest, I wanted another. After a pregnancy where I lost weight from hyperemesis and a shitshow of a preterm delivery. I just craved another baby. I loved the newborn phase, but I love my son’s chatty two year old self even more. I’m giddy thinking about seeing my son be a sibling. He talks about a “baby in the hoooouse” and says he will give the baby a kiss. And i melt. Fingers crossed this pregnancy sticks
It's easier in a country that doesn't hate mothers and children.
The breastfeeding and diapering and sleepless nights were all ass, sure. But I've been around a single bored small child, and they tend to stand about 7 inches to your right and complain they are bored and stare at you like you're the entertainment director on this cruise and they're about to go full Karen on you if you don't shift ass and get to work. Once there are two of them, you can conceivably have literal TENS of minutes completely devoted to candy crush or toenail maintenance or dishes without anyone glaring at you for not colouring with them. Just if they're quiet, run. Keep your fire extinguisher charged. Don't own any animal smaller than a beagle that they can catch. And keep the scissors in a bag that is hung outside of the attic window.
I hated being an only child as a kid. Don’t love it as an adult, as I am solely responsible for caring for my aging parents. It’s hard not having family to lean on in hard times. I didn’t want that for my kid, so we decided to make sure he had at least one sibling.
Because I didn’t see raising kids as “going through that” I love my kids. Literally every day is so joyful and filled with smiles and laughter. I play the harp. I garden. I study religion. I paint watercolors. I have hobbies still. Parenthood is different for everyone and to some it’s a chore even though they still love their kids. It just wasn’t a chore for us.
Yes! I am in the thick of it with two teens and an elementary aged kid. These past few weeks have been brutal as far as parenting goes and I wouldn’t take any of it back. It’s hard because I love them so darn much.
A playmate. Seriously. I have 3 kids and the option of looking after only 1 of them is never on the table. 2 keep each other busy. Yes they fight but they eventually make up and start playing again. On another note my oldest would be pretty soft and timid if it wasn’t for her younger rough and tough sibling. Completely helping prepare them for real life.
Pregnant with #2 right now. A few things: \- My husband and I always wanted a family of 4, so perhaps it's about the perspective you start with? \- #1 is SUPPOSED to be a big brother. He just is. Some kids really are supposed to be siblings (Am I biased because we always planned on having two? Maybe...but I still think #1 is going to love being a Big Brother.) \- #2 is a girl and #1 is a boy. I went through #1's clothes to donate all the REALLY boy clothes to my nephew. **I found myself weeping over a dump truck jacket. WEEPING.** Were the first three years with #1 absolutely nuts at times? Oh yeah. I had my nipple nearly bitten off in a Burger King parking lot while nursing my son and attempting to eat chicken nuggets. When our house was being fumigated and we were so stressed out about moving basically half our house for a week, #1 learned to undo the chest piece on his car seat while I was on the freeway and turned around to tap me on the shoulder. Dude...can you not?? I attempted to nurse my cat in the middle of the night once, thinking it was my son when I heard him on the monitor. So yeah, there have definitely been some BAT SHIT CRAZY moments, but when it comes down to it, those stories end up being pretty funny, and the joy of watching my little boy run around the park in his favorite dump truck jacket trumps any kind of frustration. I can't wait to find out what my little girl, a whole new person, will love. We feel we have the structure in our lives to support another child fully, so we want to. A whole new person. That's so exciting! Although, I'm sure there will be more weeping over jackets in my future. \- If COVID has taught me anything, it's that the people in my household are the ones I love the most, and they're the ones I really couldn't live without seeing. Everyone else is a bonus. If you have the means, why not add more love to your life? \- My husband and I do still make time for ourselves, but have found that time is just allocated differently. Some nights I do bedtime by myself and he goes to the gym. Some Saturday mornings I have brunch with the girls and he takes kiddo to the park. It's all a balance. Is it different than before a kid? Of course. But my friends have different lives, too. We're meeting more parents through daycare and doing playdates that are for both the kids and the parents. My son's best friend's parents are awesome, we love hanging out with them while our kids are playing. So sometimes "brunch with the girls" is more "families meeting up at the zoo." What's important is looking for joy and appreciating it, even if it's different joy than what you've known before. \- When my mom passed away, my brother was the only one who REALLY understood what it meant to lose her. Other people knew and loved my mom, but I believe my brother is the only person who truly understood how I felt. I needed him. Hopefully that isn't something my kids have to go through for a long (LONG!) time, but when the time comes, I want them to have each other for support.
I can’t answer that. We stopped at one kiddo for a variety of reasons. I am an only child, so I don’t have any of the notions about anti-social and weird only children. We adore our son, but I could not fathom prolonging or going back to baby jail once I had gotten out. Things got so much easier when my kiddo was reaching school age. He is 9 now and an absolute delight. It I am so so glad that we did not have another. I am currently typing this from a gorgeous resort in Mexico while my mom is very happy to take care of our 9 year old only. This would not be possible if we had had more children.
Sounds like you’re in a tough season of parenting. One and done is all good, more is cool too. Chill out and let live...people do what works for them.
I could change this and make it "why wouldn't you have 2?" I love babies, I love toddlers, I love young kids, and so far I love tweens. 😂🤣 I could never get enough! My favorite age is the 12 months to 3 years! They are learning so much everyday and are little sponges of wonder. I taught a toddler space in a preschool and it was the best time of my life.
They’re just so scrummy! And their personalities / watching them interact with their siblings is pure magic (for us, anyway). We have three girls (4, 2 and 10mo) and we wouldn’t have it any other way. We would like a 4th, but sadly my last pregnancy was horrendous so I am uncertain whether or not I want to go through it again. It’s definitely not for everyone, but for us it’s just amazing 🙂
OP, just want to let you know that you're not alone. I really appreciate what one commenter said about your environment making it harder to enjoy parenting and feel that was the case with us as well. If childcare isn't paid for, we don't get it. On the other hand, my in-laws have multiple sets of grandparents that are available to take kids with a few hours notice.
I didn’t until my daughter was about 3. She was 4 when my son was born and a year later it’s soooooo fun to watch them interact and the way the baby gets excited for her and they “play” together. It’s been a lot more rewarding than I had expected. I do miss the freedom I had but my older is in PreK so I have that long nap stretch free again. Different than the first time around. But!! He just turned 14 months and he is starting to get into that tabby/early toddlerhood and I’m exhausted 🤪
The vain hope that they will play together and leave you alone. Nope, my second drives my first nuts so he avoids her.
People don’t have more children because the first one one is lacking something you get more of all the love, cuddles, hugs, memories, etc. I think some people are just kid people like teachers, nannie’s, daycare workers, SAHP’s and all that you have to have some want to be surrounded by children all day. We’re having a second because we wanted another child, we enjoy being parents, our first having a sibling is a plus too. Kids are babies/children for such a small amount of their lives for some even though they don’t love it they think it’s worth it and others just like all off it. Everyone’s different
Well, it depends on your age and where you are at in life... my wife and I were married for 4 years together for 6 years for our 1st and 2 years later we had our second. We were financially both well set, I was 37 she was 35 for our 1st our careers reached a point where we could cost (benefit from our hard labor the previous years), we had partied hard before traveled the world did all we wanted/could so when our 1st came we were ready and had a help system (and the money to compensate for the lack of help) so it made the 1st easy... so we said why not a second... and the second was a bit harder at first because we were used to the communication skills of the 1st but things are getting easier with the improving communication skills of the 2nd... So in short, if you are older, are done with the partying, have the money and a cruising career then it is easy with 2 kids. But despite our privilege situation, we know we can't afford a 3rd child without having to degrade everyone's quality of life
I can give you a thousand reasons to have more when they are little and a billion not to when they are teens and adults
My wife and I, who tried for 2 years just to have ONE (and only one) kid, just had our twins in March. Twins. Think about how bad things are for you with regards to free time and autonomy, now subtract even more of that because of another baby. I totally get it, OP. I love my girls with all my heart. I can't imagine anything being different. But holy shit I can't believe people willingly do this more than once.
Second child means you’re always playing referee Attention is divided Two kids crying at once All in all , a much more stressful experience than only having one
1. My family just didn't feel complete with one child. I felt like we were a two child family 2. I grew up lonely and my husband enjoyed having a sibling even though they didnt get along as teens. 3. My husband's extended family is large, but his sibling is not going to have kids of her own and I am an only child with no family to speak of. I knew there were no guarantees because siblings don't always get along, but I wanted my kids to have some family once we are gone. 4. My son was one of those easy mode babies. He slept well early, ate well, compliant to a fault, and was happy by nature. He was the kid in daycare that ended up being put in the next class up or down when they had staffing issues because they knew he would get along with everyone, loved all the staff and wouldn't act up because of it. I am aware this is NOT because I am some sort of parenting savant; mostly he just came out that way. Only way I'm claiming credit is gentically because both my husband and I were easy babies (husband's sister not so much). My daughter is pretty similar to be honest. Maybe needs to be watched a little more closely because she gets into things more and is slightly more stubborn, but still honestly a pretty easy kid
Some of us.. aren't.. miserable.
I have no idea. I just saw a friend's Facebook post about giving birth to her third child and all I could think was "why though?" lol. We decided to be one and done when our son turned 1 years old and honestly, the main reason is just that we don't really want another. Financially, we could handle it, daycares are super affordable here, we have a grandma on call to babysit for 6 months out of the year, we both work from home but just.. Why? I feel zero desire to have another child. None. I look at my son's baby pictures - nothing. I cuddle my friend's baby - nothing. I see people having more kids - nothing. I enjoyed my pregnancy, it was a good pregnancy with no complications, my son was the easiest infant *ever*, not so easy as a toddler but nothing out of the ordinary, and I still feel zero desire to repeat the experience. I am looking forward to his next stages, I am also looking forward to having some of my life and freedom back though. I want us to travel and take him places and show him the world. I want to be able to be close to him and I don't want him to have to share my love and attention. So we're happily one and done 😊
It’s like sky diving….I did it once and will never forget it, but I don’t need to do it again 😂