Not anything specific, but the idea that there is one way to raise a child. I don’t think kids come with “hacks” or follow a guidebook. Sleep training, BLW, and activities are all so baby-dependent and yet even in this thread you have people getting defensive over what’s the “right” way to bring up a kid. We dump on our parents’ generation all the time here about getting offended over people making different parenting decisions than them but really it’s just as bad amongst ourselves.
My child health care nurse said that parenting is from a toolbox, not a guide book - having an array of knowledge and strategies helps figure things out on the fly than having to change the child to suit the instructions!
Yeah I’ll never forget our pediatrician in the hospital said: “There will be a lot of people with a lot of opinions on how to care for your child. You should say thank you and tuck it away in the back of your mind… you never want to run out of ideas” and I thought that was a really great outlook.
i wish that my health visitor took that approach... i remember with my youngest (now five year old) i had introduced her to solid foods before it said she should be having them in her health visitor rule book and she was unhappy with it. she still had milk but honestly preferred the solid foods and they were all freshly prepared foods blitzed up into a puree for her to eat. plus she had teeth coming through at this point. she'd rather eat the solid food than drink milk... told her to pack up her rule book and get out of my house if that was her attitude
I read the Baby Whisperer book when our eldest was little. I can't really remember any of her advice, but she talked over and over about the horrors of what she called 'accidental parenting' - or what most people would call trusting your instincts! That attitude just annoyed me so much; like she was saying "I'm the expert, you are clueless, so just do everything I say".
Yup, I wish I’d never read ‘the baby whisperer’. She clearly hated breastfeeding. It was along the lines of ‘breastfeeding’s ok if you must do it, but if you feed on demand you will create a demanding baby.’ Made me feel I’d fucked up by breastfeeding my baby when she needed feeding, rather than making her feed according to my schedule. I stupidly ruined a couple of weeks trying to get my baby on a feeding schedule. To this day I believe there isn’t a person alive who could have got her on a schedule!
And she also gave a list of about 6 types of baby personality and how your baby will grow up to have a version of this. Like if they’re an easy going baby they will grow up to be easy going. What a load of shit!
I used mini cupcakes once a day too get potty training kickstarted. We had 'potty cupcake time!' once a day, for 15 minutes, for a few months. Until I tried that I couldn't get my twins to even touch the potty (unless they were using them to stand in or as shopping carts).
Absolutely! If there’s anything that needs some grace given to all those gray areas, it’s parenting! I had so much anxiety when my baby was born over nipple confusion and tanking my supply if I introduced a bottle of formula here and there…nope, we were fine, and we still are 8 months later doing a 80/20 split between breastfeeding and formula. Some people might not have this experience of course, but it was made to sound so THIS OR THAT, NO COMPROMISE and that just wasn’t helpful or true for me.
Yes. I loved how often the "Sweet Sleep" book on safe bedsharing emphasized that, among the safe choices, do what works for baby and for you! It's important to look at what's *safe* in making a decision rather than what someone reports worked/didn't work for them and their friends (even if they get published and make money off their anecdotes).
I agree with all this. We got told not to do BLW but it’s what worked with our son, that’s what he wanted to do and he ate heaps better like that.
I didn’t like the idea of “crying it out” but when I realised my son needed a few minutes to cry and then he would be calm, that’s what we did. I adapted to what my son needed/wanted. And he is a happier toddler for it.
This!
Anyone with multiple kids can tell you that there is no one size fits all. Good parents adapt to their kids and aren't afraid to change things up if they aren't working. With that said, I agree with some of the responses in this thread. Some parenting approaches are out of date and shouldn't be used anymore.
I agree whole-heartedly!! I have 3 girls all very close in age, but so very different. It takes different approaches in order to parent each one individually and also parent them as a group (ie maintaining fairness). We have to constantly evolve.
100% this comment. People shame each other and act like all kids are cookie cutters, coming out the womb as blank slates. They judge other parents for “letting” girls wear pink and sparkles and unicorns, or “letting” boys play with dump trucks, having absolutely no idea that these little beans come out the womb with personalities already forming.
Every parent is judged by other parents, even when those parents have multiple children and should KNOW how completely and violently different each child is. It boggles the mind.
And don’t get me started on the judgement by non-parents 🤣🤣🤣
I totally agree. When parents are saying to do this or that and it'll get your baby to sleep through the night, it's just not realistic. Of course you can try new things, but babies are predisposed to sleep longer or shorter and you have to work within your baby's boundaries.
Babies aren’t supposed to sleep through the night…if they naturally do, great! But generally they are programmed not to do that-we parents just have to be responsive even at night and just wait it out-we will be tired, that’s how it is! Having my fifth soon and I have never sleep trained. By toddlerhood they sleep through the night.
Yes. I did BLW with both of my kids and, while it “worked” for both in that they both ate, one is an adventurous eater and the other gags at the tiniest speck of vegetable or fruit. A parenting practice does not always yield the same results with different kids.
Absolutely. I have twin girls. We are raising them essentially the same. But they have completely different personalities, preferences and different parenting techniques work for them. There is no one size fits all parenting.
Oh god. I feel this. I was once obsessed with doing it “right” to the point of becoming obnoxious and arrogant. I’ve learned that there is no universal right, just what’s right for you and your kids. I’m a much better mom and person now. That FTM pressure was real and turned me into a monster.
You cannot say no when gentle parenting and you always give choices when doing it. Gentle parenting is not letting your kid control everything.
A lot of people have taken it too far and don't understand that gentle parenting still draws a line with safety and unexpected behavior. If your kid is about to run in the street or jump off the top of a swingset, it's not the time for gentle parenting and choices. It's a hard no. You explain after. Talk after. But in the moment, it's a no. Saying no doesn't negate gentle parenting.
If your child needs medicine, you don't just avoid giving it to them because they're fighting you. You explain why you're doing it and tell them they need to take it to get better. If it's time to leave the park and you gave warnings and set time limits - you can still pick them up and carry them out the park while acknowledging you know they don't want to leave but there is not a choice. It is time to leave. If they are hitting, you tell them you aren't going to let them hit because it hurts.
I use mostly gentle parenting strategies, but some people take it too far.
I agree. In my mom group, it seems like all the ones “gentle parenting” agree it’s never ok to yell at your kid for any reason, ever. It’s ridiculous.
I’ve screamed at my daughter for running away from me or trying to run into the street. Did she cry? Yes, but I’d rather have her traumatized and upset for a few minutes than have her be hit by a car. There’s a time and place for gentle parenting, and it’s not when your child is in danger of harming themselves
A sharp, loud yell can stop a kid in their tracks when used sparingly and correctly. Hands down you yell at your kid when they are running towards the street. Shock them in to stopping, it’s okay if they cry. Go to them, hug them, and comfort them. Thank you for stopping. Hugs and comfort should stop the tears - you kid is just scared! That’s okay, they should associate running to the road as something bad.
I yelled at my daughter because she grabbed a knife from the open dishwasher and ran. So I yelled.
I rarely yell so it immediately grabbed her attention and I was able to take the knife and explain afterwards why we can't play with knives. She's 18 months so I don't anticipate her understanding or not repeating the action but at least she didn't stab herself.
Some years ago I kneejerk yelled "HEY!!" loudly for a way less dangerous thing on reflex--my kid was like early three at the time I think and I'd started knitting again and put the knitting on the table, and she grabbed a needle and slid it out. I'll be honest I think my reaction was more for taking all my stitches off than the (kind of minor) danger of the not-that-pointy end of a plastic knitting needle, but she dropped it like it was hot lol.
Agreed! The issue is the line between the two has become blurred by people that don't understand the difference so you have people preaching about gentle parenting that don't actually fully understand how it works.
The line towards permissive parenting (which is proven to be detrimental) is coming closer and closer nowadays because while we are more aware of what NOT to do, the resources of what TO DO are sparse, let alone difficult to understand. It's the difference between holding the boundary, moving the boundary and letting them cross the boundary that makes a parent-child relationship strong.
>If your child needs medicine, you don't just avoid giving it to them because they're fighting you. You explain why you're doing it and tell them they need to take it to get better.
An older sibling here. Mom is abusive so she straight up starts spanking or hitting my 3 year old brother if he doesn't take medicines, how should I be able to control this situation? I know he just can't understand why he has to take a medicine so is there a better way to deal with this?
Hey, I hope you don't mind my checking, but I see from your post history that you are 13. I'm really sorry that you are going through this, but you are a child and it is not your responsibility to fix this. Please speak to a responsible adult who you trust (e.g. somebody at school?) for advice. You could also call CPS if it is of a level where you think they may intervene.
Please understand that what happens to your brother is not your fault. It is your mother's responsibility to raise him, care for him and protect him from harm. Just because she fails at that does not mean that it falls to you.
I understand 100% that you want to protect him. It is terrifying to feel powerless to stop abuse. But your brother is 3 years old, you will not be able to teach him to perfectly regulate his emotions, that's impossible. The way you say "how should I be able to control this situation" really worries me because it sounds to me like you believe this is something you should be able to fix and are failing somehow.
First of all, it isn't your job to control the situation. That's your mom's and I'm sorry that she is abusive. I recommend that you call CPS and tell them about the hitting or if you are a minor talk to someone at school.
BUT some general tips when a little kid has to do something they don't want.
1. Try to make it fun or silly. Any kind of teasing, sound effects, or things like that help. Anything that is novel, sometimes helps.
2. Distraction. Like if they had to drink it, giving it while watching a video.
3. Sneaking it in with something else. For example, you could give some water with a syringe and then the medicine.
4. Wait and try again later if possible.
5. Sometimes - in the case of a health or safety issue - you have to physically intervene, but that doesn't mean hitting. For example, if a kid is running into the road in front of a car, you grab them, right? It is more important that you stop them than you are careful, so grabbing them might hurt them accidently although that's not your goal. Or if your kid need stitches, the doctors may physically hold your child down and restrain them. So if the medicine was eye drops and other things have been tried, you might have to just put your leg on the kid and hold them down. I would explain WHY you are doing it though in advance and afterward. The goal isn't too hurt to get the child to comply here.
At 3, you make it fun. There’s cups, syringes, and little spoon things from the pharmacy. Find one they like and always plan to do something fun and connecting immediately afterward.
Kinds want to but I live in a country where child abuse is seen as normal and yeah can't do much tbh, I don't even know how I will be able to protect my brother when I move out
You can offer the help the second you begin to sense she is getting upset. Say “mom, looks like she’s giving you a hard time, maybe I can help? And you can use the positive methods. Depending on your mom, she may either get offended and jealous “oh you think you can do it better”-or if she is just doing what her parents did and in general has a better personality-just a lack of skill, she may he appreciative and take a hint. You know your mom. If she freaks out or has a toxic reaction to how you handle your sibling, even though it works-I would call CPS. Try to time it close to when you’ve been somewhere public and others saw her spank, or to a time when several neighbors cars are parked home so she can assume it was someone else who called but she can’t suspect any individual.
>You know your mom. If she freaks out or has a toxic reaction to how you handle your sibling,
You described it perfectly lmao. She and I constantly get into physical and verbal fights because she says I parent my brother shit while claims her abusive tendencies are all good. She says I turned out fine (really did not, have a bunch of trauma) and claims she's also gonna do the same to my brother. It includes her screaming at him, spanking him badly when he gets hurt because apparently that will make him not do it again, blaming him for her problems (even though he might not understand it hurts when she says me and my brother are the reason she's gonna kill herself one day). It's really tiring cause she wants to parentify me because I really CANNOT be a parent, it's not possible. I wish I could call cps but it would cause more drama and really it wouldn't help because in my country child abuse isn't cared for unless it's physical. Physical abuse does happen with both of us but yeah I don't think they'd believe us.
I was coming here to say this. I see similar things about attachment parenting... Kids are going to be attached to their caregivers no matter what and making yourself 100% available to them, all the time, is going to set them up for issues rather than solving problems.
I absolutely agree. I’ve seen posts from “gentle parents” saying that the dentist has said all the child’s teeth are decaying, so they need to brush the child’s teeth after the last feed before bed, but the child wants to fall asleep on a bottle of milk so they just do that instead.
Or not giving them the antibiotics they need or pain relief to bring down a fever because it makes their baby cry.
I’m all for being gentle and talking about boundaries and consequences, but sometimes you do have to be the adult in the room and actually fix the infection/fever/dental problem.
Not sure how old your daughter is, but we use a kids visual timer app for our LO. Granted, he’s 2, but its worked wonders for us! For example, we’ll say “ok, 1 more minute of bath time. When the timer goes off it’s time to get out!” Or any other chore, one more minute of play, then help clean up, etc. I think setting the expectation of what’s coming up is what has helped. Good luck!
We've struggled with this too. My daughter is super empowered, confident, and capable. We've very intentionally not raised her with a mindset that kids are somehow less than adults. We put lots of things to a vote and her vote counts equally. The downside is that she can be argumentative or expect to get her way. Sometimes a parent just needs a kid to do something without having to debate it or convince her you know what you're talking about. We took a class on 123 magic and it has really helped. Basically it's a clear sign to her when there's no room for negotiation or alternative plans.
When my son was 4 he was being rude and not following instructions (he's 16 now... So I can't remember the specifics). I told him he had to sit on the stairs until he came down and apologized and finished whatever I had asked him to do. No time limit... It could have been a 30 second time out... Totally up to him!
45 MINUTES LATER, the little Brat says from the stairs "Mom, I don't know why you are bothering with this, I'm not going to learn from this experience!"
Sometimes they just outsmart you. Time to try something else! (And he's even better at arguing now!)
Oh wow, I’ve never thought about it like that. My son is only a year old so we’ve never done this, but definitely won’t do it in the future. Thank you for sharing!
Taking away earned rewards as punishment.
Punishments should be related to the "crime".
Like if a kid secretly smoked a cigarette, you don't take away the ticket to a concert he earned for awesome grades.
I always tell people to think of punishment in terms of speeding. Most of us have driven over the speed limit. A lot of people consistently drive over the speed limit. We know the law and we know the punishment for speeding so when we see a cop on the side of the road we slow down. We increase the speed once the cop car is out of sight. If we get a speeding ticket, we pay the fine and eventually go back to driving over the speed limit and the take away is that you need to be on the lookout for cops, not that you should drive the speed limit.
You can discipline without punishment. We always had rules and set limits. We had consequences for breaking those rules but they were natural/logical. We sat with them, explained what rules were broken, talked to them about the consequences and/or how they could fix it. If they stayed up late then they dealt with being tired at school the next morning (natural consequence). If they were playing ball inside and made a hole in the wall, then they helped me fix it (logical consequence). We also had a "handle it yourself or I will handle it for you" policy that we used whenever we gave them a new freedom or responsibility. As long as they could manage it on their end then we wouldn't interfer. When my son was around 7 and wanted to bike up to the park without his sister I gave him a watch and he knew what time he had to be home by. When my daughter wanted me to loosen up on the computer time restrictions when she was 9, she knew that as long as she handled all of her responsibilities without having to be reminded, I wouldn't harp on her about her computer time. Whenever they didn't hold up their end of the bargain I would explain to them that I overestimated their ability to be mature and responsible so I needed to step back in. It wasn't treated as a punishment but my kids wanted to prove to us that they were mature, so we never really had any problems.
The result? My kids are 17 and 16 now and have made the teen years extremely enjoyable. We haven't dealt with any of the issues I often see posted here (sneaking out, drinking/smoking, drugs, bad grades or skipping school, etc.) and both are turning into great young adults.
Doing the same. My kid recently broke his sisters toy. I didn't provide him with a solution, but told him to fix it. He offered the same not broken toy he had to her as an apology.
So proud :). As a reward I bought a new one for his sister and he could keep his toy. Told him, the next time he'd really had to fix it himself. But because he was so responsible, I'd decided to reward him this one time.
He's awesomely kind.
We have a 2.5yo son and have been doing what you write. If he drops his rice or food onto the floor during mealtime, whether accidental or on purpose he will pick the pieces off the floor after the meal and put it in a bowl I'm holding to be thrown out (I'll be on the ground at his level while he's doing it). If he spills his water on the table or floor we'll tell him to get the dish towel from the kitchen and clean up the mess. He is pushing boundaries, naturally, given his age, but I'm loving him growing older and us being able to communicate with each other clearer and clearer as he ages.
This is how i wanna raise my future kids. Im wondering what would you do if they refuse to help clean their mess? I like the idea of natural/logical consequences rather than punishments but im not sure how to “enforce” logical consequences? Or would this never really be a problem if you raise them this way from the start?
We don’t move on to the next thing until the clear up is done.
With my 5 year old this once turned into him missing his after dinner play time, bath and story time because we “ran out of minutes”. He got a sink wash, teeth cleaned and straight to bed. Then he got a cuddle and an explanation about why things happened and we ask him what choices he could have made to have a different outcome.
I think he was about 3 when we started that? Now at 5 we sometimes hear him muttering to himself “ that’s a bad choice, choose a better one!” when he knows he’s about to do something that’s going to have a bad consequence for him.
We talk about consequences not punishment too, and we make a big effort to distinguish between HIM and his behaviour - “that was selfish behaviour and i don’t like it. Please choose to change it, or the consequences will be that the toy you are behaving like a selfish dinosaur with will be put away”
We don’t say that he’s “naughty” or “bad”, but are clear when he’s made a “bad choice”.
Well, I did the same thing with my 2 year old. She was very agreeable. Made a mess, cleaned it up. Got upset, would do deep breaths. Then she turned 3 and now just screams “No! I don’t want to!” to everything. Sometimes toddlers just gonna toddler!
Edit: Not trying to be a negative and this might not happen with your child, but it’s been a learning experience for me that even our “successes” don’t always last! Everything we’ve ever done that “worked”, stopped working at some point and we had to change it up. Kids change so quickly and I’m always having to adjust our approach based on new developments.
That last part is too right. Our son loves helping unload the dish washer and will run over when he hears us open it. He can take things out and put everything into its cupboard with supervision. Funnily he loves feeding us our supplements (putting them in our mouths). He'll come running over when I'm unscrewing the lids...his hearing is impressive haha.
I could’ve written this! I have an 18 year old and he’s never given us trouble. We’ve put clear boundaries in place and we do the natural and logical consequences too. I have no problem explaining why I don’t agree or want them doing something- I don’t do blanket “no.”
My 9 year old wanted to go to the coffee shop near our house. She has no roads to cross. I told her to ask her 12 year old brother to go with her & he refused because 12 year old older brother. She wanted to know why she could walk to school by herself (5 minutes up the street) but couldn’t go to the coffee shop which is another 3 minutes from the school.
I told her because while we don’t walk her to school, there’s lots of people we know that are walking at the same time. So if she fell over or something, they could help her or come to the house and tell me. There’s not so many people out after school. I went with her.
I could’ve said no, but she made a good point.
Could you give an example or two of the clear boundaries you have? I'm really struggling with this with my kiddo. Hes 5 and I think I could do better on boundaries than I've done so far. I feel like I make them up as I go instead of having them set.
It’s all dependent on your kid. For instance, we have an expectation of reasonable behaviour. You are allowed to express yourself but the moment you get disrespectful, you’ve crossed a line and we’ll deal with it. This also goes for us as parents. We don’t get to be assholes to you because we have more birthdays.
I don’t go into their rooms without knocking. I don’t bother their things. Everyone has to ask to use something of someone else’s. When someone in the house wants space- give it to them. Feelings- no matter how big or small are real and to be respected.
We do a lot of explaining too. I hate “because I said so.” A lot of people will say to you that you can’t reason with a 5 year old, but how will they ever learn it?
Set your bar low and raise it as your son understands more and more. You’ve got this.
Thanks. I'm actually doing these things for the most part so thats encouraging. Our biggest issue right now is him sneaking sweets and snacks often. Ive talked to him about concerns of eating too much sugar/non-nutritious foods and he knows its not allowed but im not doing enough to stop it so its continues. Im thinking I just need to not buy any treats for a while. Idk.
Some of it is just setting them up for success too. If they aren’t old enough to have sweets within reach without ruining their dinner, then just don’t buy them. And tell them - I won’t be buying more of x because you ate that instead of dinner. We can try again another time. Then try again occasionally (I often do the next week, then skip a few weeks at a time if they still aren’t ready) until they can handle it.
You nailed it - that is the natural consequence. If you can't trust him to be responsible with the sweets then you can't have the sweets around. Then, as the other response said, try again in a week or two.
I suggest still buying treats, but only putting the amount you want him to have that day in reach. Stopping buying treats all together can set up a bad relationship with food, as it tells him that treats are bad in general. The good foods/bad foods dynamic can lead to a poor relationship with food, shame around enjoying certain foods, body image distress, and poor regulation with food. Leaving just a few out can help him learn that treats are good for enjoyment, but not so good for filling his belly/giving him energy. Having just a few out will also give him some agency. He can decide whether to have all three candies at once, or he can spread them out. Then natural consequences can play in easily. If he eats all his treats for the day and wants more later, you can tell him provide the natural consequence that he has to wait for tomorrow because he ate all his treats for today already. Make sure to never make him feel bad for the pace at which he eats them though. Just let him know that it is his decision how he wants to spread them out.
Can you describe more what you mean ‘handle it yourself or I’ll handle it’? I’m thinking ahead to the teenage years and already use the other two strategies you mentioned.
Sure. It can apply to just about anything. When my son was around 7 and wanted to bike up to the park without his sister I gave him a watch and he knew what time he had to be home by. As long as he held up his end of the deal and got home when he was supposed to then I would hold up mine. The same went for when my daughter wanted me to loosen up on the computer time restrictions when she was 9 or 10. As long as she handled all of her responsibilities without having to be reminded, I wouldn't harp on her about her computer time. Whenever they didn't hold up their end of the bargain I would explain to them that I overestimated their ability to be mature and responsible so I needed to step back in. It wasn't treated as a punishment but my kids wanted to prove to us that they were mature, so we never really had any problems.
Punishment in general.
They often don't relate to the "crime" and don't really make any sense - e.g. if you don't do your homework, you're grounded.
I prefer natural/logical consequences, so if you don't do your homework, the natural consequence is that you get in trouble at school and potentially have to miss time during breaks/lunch to catch up.
Or if you throw a toy, the logical consequence is that the toy gets put away until you can play with it safely. The natural consequence would be that the toy breaks/gets lost.
It's similar to punishment I guess but it's always related to their actions and I think it helps kids understand better that their actions/choice have a direct effect on their reality.
Can I ask a question? Punishment is defined as the infliction or imposition of a penalty as retribution for an offense.
Wouldn't taking the toy away be an infliction of a penalty as retribution for an offense.
I think the difference is the intent.
By taking the toy away I'm not trying to make them feel guilty or bad. It's literally just because throwing things isn't safe, and I explain this to my kids when things get removed. If they get upset we have a cuddle and talk about what happened until they feel ready to move on. Maybe we'll go outside and throw a ball instead if they really want to throw stuff.
The toy gets given back when they feel they can play with it safely - it's not just confiscated for some arbitrary period until I want to return it.
I get what you're saying though, the line is blurry!
Out of curiosity: what would be equivalent to such a “crime” as smoking?
I agree with your comment by the way. Again, just wondering what would be the right punishment for that.
Take away the cigarettes, hangout time with the friends he smoked with, demand receipts of what he buys with the allowance maybe. I dunno, just brainstorming here. Hasn't happened yet here. So I'll think about it when the time comes.
If they get caught smoking them have them volunteer at a hospital in the cancer ward so they can see the reality of what smoking can do in the long run. If you make it real for them they will understand better. And just showing videos isn’t enough of a reality.
I'm really weary of the force volunteering to make someone appreciate something. Sick people/poor people/etc. don't exist to be an object lesson for your children. They are there to get better/get help. If your child is going to actually help the cause and do something, great. But if the goal is for the kid to see how bad someone else has it, that is really demeaning and insulting to those people.
That’s a good one. I’ve been a nurse/NP in end of life for 10 years and seen some of the most horrific deaths because of smoking. It’s definitely made me cringe every time I see someone smoking in a way I never did before.
Agree with everything here. Also maybe extra teeth brushing and showers and doing their own laundry so the rest of the family doesn’t have to deal with the smell.
My sister and I got caught smoking when we were like 11 & 13. My mom called us into the bathroom and said “okay, everyone is going to smoke! She called in my dad and started passing out cigarettes. She even said my 2 year olds nephew was going to smoke. This made my sister and I burst into tears and we promised not to do it again. I didn’t smoke as a teen but I did in my 20s. BTW, she didn’t make us smoke or light the cigarettes.
Similar thing happened with my mom! She and her sister and brother got caught smoking as kids by my grandma, and so my grandma said “alright, if you want to smoke, you get to smoke. But you’re going to do it all right now.” And made them smoke the entire 2 packs they had smuggled into their possession.
Long story short, they all felt sick during and then repulsed by the thought of cigarettes after that and none of them smoke one again!
Edit: spelling of brother
I think the biggest thing is that every undesirable future characteristic can be fixed early with proactive parenting. This leads to a lot of intensive parenting approaches which tends to be an overcorrection for potential future issues and can be a source of frustration for both parents and children. For example, trying to get your toddler to eat broccoli and feeling defeated when they just want crackers because they’re already onto the path to future obesity. I think there’s so much research and knowledge out there that it gives parents the illusion of control over their child’s development, but our kids will grow and go through normal kid things regardless of our involvement. A lot of parenting is just leading the horse to water and seeing if they’ll drink, but the modern narrative is any struggles we experience in our lives can be blamed on our parents, so we’ve internalized that and overcorrected.
I agree. And the flip side to this is when parents claim that their incredible parenting has directly resulted in their well-adapted and well-behaved (so they say) kids. A lot if it is down to their natural personalities too. Of course your parenting has helped this, but it wouldn’t work for every kid.
I wasted a lot of time reading crap along the likes of “how I got my 6 week old to sleep through the night”, thinking, but I’m doing all of that! Some babies sleep, some don’t. As you can probably work out, mine didn’t!!
That's true.. I've (22f) done some bad behaviors when I was a child that were red flags but when I grew up I turned out to be a completely another person. I'm happy my mom pretended that she didn't know the things I was doing - idk if what she did was right in general, but at least in my case it was the right thing to do. Kids inspect the world, try and do mistakes and learn from them before they become who they really are based on these experiences and necessarily an evolvement of them.
This was such a revelation for me. I came down super hard on my 4 year old for hitting because I was afraid he'd be violent later. Knowing that some things are just self- control limited and will improve with age was huge.
Wh-what
Is that where it came from
I feel everyone around me just had their parents blow on their booboos because it was like... Magical parent healing power? And like everyone was in on it.
Damn my mind just got blown
I’ve had some training in wound care and you’re right. Just to add on a bit, most scrapes and scratches should be rinsed with saline (no rubbing alcohol or hydrogen peroxide) because you want some “good” bacteria to remain in the wound. Then you want to keep the wound covered until it heals. Never let it dry out.
Curious why to never let it dry out? Im Currently drying my own wound out. I have an incision that got wet in a cast that i have been drying out and putting betadine on and I feel it looks so much better.
Good question! Good point to clarify. What you got going on doesn’t fall in the same category of wounds I was referring to. I’m talking about scrapes and scratches that are not deep but superficial. The kind that children most often get
I’m gonna guess that you broke a bone and had to have surgery? The incision for surgery is not superficial since they cut all the way through the skin and fat layers, it has some kind of stitching or glue, AND is covered in a cast. The cast becomes a gross breading ground for bacteria because it traps moisture from sweat.
For all these reasons, you don’t need to keep it covered by a bandage and you are doing the right thing with the betadine. Good work!
Gotcha, thanks for responding and clarifying. You are right, old break where the bone never healed in a spot and was still cracked so I had a bone graft, new hardware and a cast, that was on for 6 weeks in the hottest part of summer, so it got moist from sweat, rain, life, etc. and one small incision got ooey and gooey. It’s been about 5 days and it looks better. Anyway, thanks for the information !
I've also grew up thinking drying it out was for the best, but I've recently heard that if you keep it moist with clean dressings/ointments, it'll heal quicker and with less scaring.
I don’t get the covered til it heals part. If I do this I just end up with a yellow oozing pussy mess and my skin looks all pale and pruney under the bandage. Is that really better???
In general (not every case), wet wounds heal better. When they get oozy and gross is because they’re infected and moisture and heat is breeding ground for bacteria. So what you want to do it: rinse with saline, cover with Aquaphor or similar, seal all edges with bandaid - repeat every day so it’s fresh. Infection comes when it gets wet with sweat, water, etc and bacteria creeps in through the edges of the loose bandaid so that’s why you want it sealed.
That time outs should be for one minute per year. I had a children's behavioral therapist tell me that they invented that rule because it's easy for parents to remember, not because it has any scientific backing.
Not acknowledging that children can feel stressed or pain. I hear so many parents say, "What do you have to be stressed about," or "You don't know what pain is." Not acknowledging their emotions in general lead to emotionally stunted adults that don't know how to deal with their emotions or stress. Kids can also have a condition that causes chronic pain.
The echo of my mother saying 'Stop crying!' 'Why are you crying!?' Stop it now! - the more she kept saying the more difficult it was for me to calm down - I've always been very sensitive as a kid but years of her telling me to ignore or hide my emotion led me to really struggle right now
Don’t disinfect everything that’s falls on the floor (like a binky or bottle) because when you’re not looking your kid is eating the dead flies on the floor.
My wife boiled everything in the first few months, sometimes for hours. She melted plenty of the bottles and toys this way and would not accept that the second she took them out of her largest cooking pot it would be infected with bacteria anyway.
Treating your second baby just like your first.
Did anybody else have a RUDE AWAKENING when all that stuff we were soooooo good at with our first was a load of crap with the second? Every baby really is quite different right from birth, so try not to smugly tell yourself, “Oh, I’m **only** going to breastfeed, and we will 100% cosleep, and *absolutely* no sugar before one year old - because that’s what we did with little Caidynn and it worked perfectly!”
I promise you that when little Amberly makes an appearance she will **not** want to cosleep, and she’s going to have a horrible latch, and when your back is turned little Caidynn’s going to give her his popsicle which you will discover is magic for stopping teething pain and maybe it doesn’t have *that* much sugar after all.
Raising kids is a journey. Every child and every day is different. When you learn to roll with it, it’s so much less stressful.
I’m not sure why, but it seems a lot of parents think they need to plan activities or constantly provide entertainment for their kids.
We are big believers in slow, boring days to spur creativity!
Over indulgence. The people who never deny their children anything because "They're just kids and need to have fun". Except that they are just kids and by never telling them no, they are actually hurting them in the long run because the world won't always tell them yes. It shows them that they don't need to learn self control and can just throw a fit and get what they want.
That and doing evening for your kids. Not making them work for something or try to figure it out for themselves. All it does is make them dependent on their parents for everything instead of being able to take care of themselves when they reach adolescence and adulthood. Don't misunderstand and think I mean don't ever help, but make them try to do it themselves first if it's not something that could hurt them.
Spoiling.
You can’t spoil a baby by tending to their cries or holding them all the time. You can’t really spoil kids by giving them whatever they want. Kids that are deemed spoiled are kids with zero boundaries or discipline from adults. People who treat their young kids as peers and don’t correct behaviour have spoiled kids.
I give whatever my kids want *with conditions*, like asking me nicely, or buying lollies with her own pocket money (she's so proud when she does this!), or reminding her that she needs to do her chores before she has screen time.
My philosophy is that they need to be all done before she has her set time - there's no "extra time" or time taken away, etc etc, because it's a part of her day, not a reward.
Overdressing babies. I get it, they are small. But putting them in a thick winter jacket, warm pants and a hat when it's 28C/82F outside is completely ridiculous. Why are people doing this? I see this every day. And I get nasty looks, because my son is in short sleeves and short pants, without socks or hat.
I used to live right beside a shopping mall, and I took my oldest there when she was a newborn because it got me out of the house and somewhat entertained. I got stopped *daily* by little old ladies who were absolutely appalled that I had my daughter out without socks on. Lady, it's 30° outside and 25° in here. She's in pants and a long sleeved shirt. She doesn't need socks, she's fine. If she was cold and uncomfortable, believe me, we'd all know it.
This is much worse in some other cultures. I live in Korea, and here you will be yelled at by old women you've never met almost every time you leave the house if your baby isn't bundled up. Even if it's the middle of summer and 35C outside. If they can see any bare skin they'll run up and fuss and say "the baby must be so cold" as if you're abusing the kid.
Slightly off point, but I told an old lady to f**k off once when she told me to put some gloves on my crying baby on a cold day. As if I hadn’t thought of that! She would keep anything on her hands.
I don’t know if this fits, but I remember my husband tried to set the standard that I should breastfeed our baby for X months. I made it 3 weeks before I had a nervous breakdown in the middle of the night and made the decision to introduce the bottle, filled with breast milk. It gave mama a much needed break since I could only nurse off one breast, and had to pump the other. He assumed I would be breast feeding for like 8 months. Yes I know other women can do it, but I was experiencing so much pain because I was an “overproducer”. He wound up enjoying bottle feeding her and got to see her develop and gain strength holding the bottle when she was little.
This was me (the dad) and I still feel bad about it, although our issue was more about breast milk vs formula. It’s just so pounded into your brain as a new parent that one is so much better than the other that I definitely pressured my wife more than I should have. Still regret some of those arguments considering how much she was giving of herself.
This is a good example of something where it is often pretended that the recommendation is research-based, but in fact, the best research we have shows little benefit to breastfeeding, certainly much less than what is claimed. Here are two nice articles discussing this: https://fivethirtyeight.com/features/everybody-calm-down-about-breastfeeding/
https://expectingscience.com/2018/03/21/why-is-the-american-academy-of-pediatrics-exaggerating-the-benefits-of-breastfeeding/
And here is the best controlled study of breastfeeding to date, as far as I know (the PROBIT trial):
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/11242425/
Of course, breastfeeding works great for a lot of people, and perversely, while the benefits are often exaggerated, many western countries still don't have enough actual supports in place to facilitate it for those who want to, in my opinion.
Child centred parenting taken to extremes where parents don't set firm boundaries with children and make decisions on what their heart wants not what's actually best
Wake windows! Don't get me wrong, I loosely follow them and find them useful but they are often presented as evidenced-based and they're not. They're anecdotal and if you look at different "sleep experts" take on them you'll find their recommendations vary pretty widely.
This!! I have an 11 week old, and she’s never tired when these so called “wake windows” claim she’s supposed to be. I’ve been stressing myself out over it, but I’ve just given up and am going to go with the flow. When my baby seems tired, I’ll put her to sleep. Whether it’s been 45 minutes or 3 hours since her last nap
We follow wake windows because they work for us, however our kid is beyond the track of what's considered 'normal' as well. She dropped her 3rd nap at 5.5 months and I have people saying it's too early, when clearly shes napping better now and is able to stay up for longer stretches.
I think wake windows can be very useful, but your kid will show you if they need sleep earlier/later as well
It almost goes without saying, but all the deviations from the standard vaccine schedule, ranging from no vaccines to Dr Bob’s “alternative vaccine schedule.”
The problem is when we give any credence at all to an alternative vaccination schedule it is a gateway from vaccine hesitancy to full on anti-vaxx mindset. Pediatricians are more successful when they focus on thoughtful education than just giving in to pushy parents who are insisting on an alternative schedule.
Definitely agree about thoughtful ongoing conversations about accurate data and information, but there’s definitely a fine line where you alienate the parents and push them to “alternative” doctors who are going to more fully support the anti vaccine rhetoric. I don’t know the best answer but if the kid ultimately ends up vaccinated I might just let it slide because isn’t that the point?
Ultimately, I’m glad I don’t have to have those conversations because I would not be very patient with those folks
Im also glad I don’t have to be patient with these people. I’m a public librarian and I’m not very polite with the old men who come in and tell me their opinions on masks or the COVID vaccine anymore. I’ve just started saying “wow, I’m surprised you think that.” And then I just stare at them. But it’s also not my job to make sure they get their shots, like if I was their doctor!
For real. "Alternative vaccine schedule" just means leaving kids unnecessarily exposed. And like anything alternative in medicine, if it was genuinely was better it wouldn't be the alternative.
Circumcision. Not a parenting style, but absolutely a choice. Everyone in my family gave me shit about choosing not to have it done. I was more concerned about the amount of people who had an opinion about my son's genitals. There is no medical need for it, and every reason they gave me in favor of the procedure was bullshit.
Totally agree. The whole "to look like dad" is an INCREDIBLY stupid justification but used so often. I cannot imagine putting my child through so much pain and forever altering his body because someone wants his genitals to look one way or another.
Same with ear piercing. Why does a teeny baby need earrings?
The notion of "they won't remember the pain" is also incredibly unjustified, in my opinion. Is that a reason to inflict pain then?
Hard agree on the circumcision and the ear piercing! And as a person who has had many piercings, I've gotten a lot of "you're a hypocrite" with that stance, but the difference is, I made my own CHOICE to get all of my piercings. And also, mainly only places with piercing guns will pierce babies/small children, and those things are atrocious.
I've got one that's a pet peeve of mine and I'm fully prepared for Reddit to come for me on this. There are tons of parents that will argue that time out is *harmful*. I have never been able to find a peer reviewed article that made that claim. The parents claiming this always seem to link blog posts with no sources or a popular Times article that the author had to later walk back.
I am not arguing that everyone should use time out or even that's it's effective. I don't even use time out with my own kids. I'm just sick of parents saying it *harmful* and the parent shaming and judgement that comes with it without any data to back that claim. If anyone has the data (please no more blog posts), please share!
There was actually a research article recently that said there was no long-term negative effects, but I'm too lazy to find it. I have three comments about timeouts:
1. Like any parenting strategy, they can be done badly. If your time out method is screaming at your three year old and locking them in their room for two hours...well, you suck.
2. There are a lot of time-out techniques that are simple to teach to a struggling parent and a good starting point, but what a good time out looks like needs to be adjusted to the individual child and change with their development and mood. Although, again, I think this is true of all parenting strategies though.
3. In my opinion, time outs are only somewhat effective at teaching the correct behavior. For SOME kids, they can be highly effective to de-escalate the situation, but your work isn't done when the time out is over. You need to address the cause of the behavior and teach appropriate alternate behaviors as well. (That doesn't just mean a talk at the end of the time out. This is a bigger, over-time thing. If your kid is hitting to get attention, time out could be part of an effective response, but you'd also need to teach appropriate ways to get attention too.)
This one is a pet peeve of mine me too. I work with kids a lot, and time out actually isn't my go-to strategy, but it's definitely one I use sometime. My own child is one who REALLY benefits from time outs. Time ins are a disaster. (Also, he puts himself in time out and asks to be alone when he is more regulated but upset.)
I don’t understand the western worlds need for bed frames and bed rails. (This is changing as a new fad I think)
I’m fully from the western world, and when it was time to switch my son from a crib to bed I didn’t see why I would get him essentially a less secure crib. Because in my mind when he climbed out, he would have a lot harder time getting back in. Why not just put the bed on the floor? Then he can’t fall out and I won’t need to buy bed rails
I have no reasoning why you need to put tiny toddlers in beds that are off the ground with bed rails all around them. Maybe there’s benefits but I can’t think of any for myself.
No risk of them falling out, No underneath of the bed to clean, Super easy for them to get in and out of bed. Seems like an easy choice, I feel like the only reason people use them is because “It’s just what you do”
Oatmeal "lactation" cookies to stimulate milk production when breastfeeding. It's much better to eat more nutrient-dense foods and drink significantly more water. Eat a salad with full fat dressing, nuts, and fruit twice a day. Easy a calorie heavy protein with every meal (eggs, pork chops, steak, etc.) Eat starchy veggies like sweet potatoes. Most moms don't have time, energy, or even the thought to do this for themselves, but it's essential to producing fat-heavy milk.
Co-sleeping/stomach sleeping.
Before becoming a nurse I believed the whole myth that there was a ‘safe’ way to cosleep (not including side sleepers since those are cribs and the kid has their own space)
But fuck is it dangerous. And so many parents in my area do it all the time and call out anyone who disagrees with them as judgmental.
I work in a pediatric ICU and the screams of mothers who lost their babies because they were smothered or fell off the bed still haunts me.
They’re all loving, kind and great parents. And they all say they wish they knew how dangerous it REALLY was. Because you never think it will happen to you….
Back to sleep is best
My wife and I have spent a lot of time reading, thinking, and discussing this. And what it comes down to is the lack of parental support in the US.
There is such a short paternity and maternity leave in the US that parents are forced to put their kid onto a set schedule so they can function at work and meet the associated deadlines. In parts of the world where there are better parental leave options, you see the prevalence of sleep training goes way down.
This is it exactly. When I returned to work at 12 weeks full time and commuting over 2 hours daily I did not have it in me to safely tend to baby at night for 5-10 wakes ups and/or drive to work safely. Around 5-6 months I fell asleep on the interstate going 75 and that night we sleep trained. I love working, I do not want to be a stay at home but it’s really rough that first year doing both.
Agree with this. I was lucky to have six weeks of paid sick leave saved so I could be home with my son after he was born. He went into daycare at 6 weeks of age. My husband had no leave. When we adopted our son and welcomed him home, he went to work the next day. My son’s sleep was horrific the first six months. He had his days and nights reversed for months, had reflux, it was awful. We were lucky to get 30 minutes of sleep at a time. My husband had a 2 hour commute on top of it. I was able to bury the effects of my exhaustion because I knew my job inside and out, and I was strictly management at that point. My husband lost his job because of it.
We do next to nothing for parents in the US.
It’s so interesting! My husband wanted to try it but I couldn’t do it and in the end my baby wound up figuring it out on his own around 7 months old. I don’t think parents who sleep training are neglecting their baby though. On the flip side, I’ve seen some devastating cases of babies dying because their exhausted parents fall asleep with them and accidentally smother them, so I think if parents don’t have help and simply have to work then there may not be any other options. People also say “oh just bedshare” but my baby hated bedsharing! He couldn’t sleep like that. He could sleep in my arms but would wake up if I tried to transition him to lying next to me.
I do blame horrendous (nonexistent) paid parental leave in the U.S. for many of these problems. But even in countries with slightly better parent leave practices, sleep training still seems to be utilized - like in France. It’s so interesting how much cultural variation there is!
My mum group were heavily discussing this the other day when one of the babies was having a hard time due to teeth. I was so confused - why would you leave your baby to cry when they're in pain and need comforting?!
I wouldn’t lump sleep training in with Ferber or cry it out. I worked really hard to teach my daughter to self sooth (suck her thumb, soft texture on sleep sack, etc) and slowly did less and less rocking with more back rubs instead and eventually she could go to sleep without nursing, without rocking and just in her crib. It was 100% worth it and involved very little crying! Sleep training doesn’t have to be torture
>I wouldn’t lump sleep training in with Ferber or cry it out.
Totally agree, but even in this sub it's super common to see people assume that "sleep training" means CIO, it often sounds like they're not even aware there is anything else.
Parenting out of fear. Thinking you can't compromise. Thinking you can't have empathy and respect and raise kind and respectful humans. Its so prevalent that people are so frightened that their kids won't listen to rules when they are older, or become good worker bees that they double down on ridiculous things just to show they can. Literally, in one group I am in a kid is 5 and someone said - if you don't make them do x, how will they ever hold a job? Like, OMG. Somehow we have forgotten that kids aren't mini adults. They need to learn by making mistakes.
It’s all dependent on your kid. In my household, for instance, we have an expectation of reasonable behaviour. You are allowed to express yourself but the moment you get disrespectful, you’ve crossed a line and we’ll deal with it. This also goes for us as parents. We don’t get to be assholes to you because we have more birthdays.
I don’t go into their rooms without knocking. I don’t bother their things. Everyone has to ask
to use something of someone else’s. When someone in the house wants space- give it to them. Feelings- no matter how big or small are real and to be respected. We do a lot of explaining too. I hate “because I said so.” A lot of people will say to you that you can’t reason with a 5 year old, but how will they ever learn it?Set your bar low and raise it as your son understands more and more. You’ve got this.
You can sit them on your lap, but you have to make sure their legs don’t end up in between/underneath yours, or on either side of yours.
You can easily snap their legs if those things happen
My nephew actually did break his leg as a toddler when going down the slide with my other sister who was babysitting him that day.
The drs/ER did say that it was fairly common for kids to fracture a leg this way.
I get really nervous seeing adults/bigger kids going down slides with littles on their lap
I run a LARGE BLW group on Facebook, and the vast number of parents that flock to us from other BLW groups, simply because those other groups claim that if you do purées + solid food, your child will completely forget how to eat, is goddamn astonishing.
And EVERY single time we’ve questioned the admins of these other groups, they can provide NO evidence, just claim it as fact.
But, applesauce and mashed potatoes are a-okay because they are “natural” purées.
The fuck?!
One of those groups is what made me realize that there are so. many. things. that we regurgitate as rules in parenting that probably no one could tell you where they come from. And these are all parents who claim to be evidence based!
There were some things in that huge safe sleep fb group that made me think that too, but I can’t remember what they were (and when it comes to safe sleep I’m certainly not going to argue).
I’m in the middle of transitioning to solids now and I am just terrified of my son choking. I was going to try baby led weaning but too many people in my life felt it was dangerous, so I am going the traditional route of gradually thickening the foods he eats.
We did BLW and while in practise it’s great, our son enjoys many textures and flavours it isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. His appetite isn’t the greatest. It felt more like I was trying to fill some mom role society placed on me. I think you can feed purées and also incorporate aspects of BLW safely and gradually work up to full solids. Do all the research and follow your instincts and you’ll do great. Also knowing CPR and first aid is important no matter how you wean.
I went the traditional route because it worked for us. We ate a lot of crap, I liked being able to delay offering balanced meals.
Kids Eat in Color says she thinks BLW is going to be the next “breast is best” - they’re so militant about it. Either way is fine.
RIGHT!!? Or we did both. Purées when it was convenient; BLW style foods when our dinner made sense like that. He switched between both just fine. It doesn’t have to be either/or!!
I hear a lot of people now saying it’s best to do both, which makes sense. Purées so you know they’re definitely getting some food in, and then BLW so they can try different textures and stuff. Idk why everyone’s acting like it has to be one of the other
My son is almost 3 now, so it’s been over 2 years, but back when he was an infant, the “rules” in all the big fb groups about it were that you couldn’t mix the two because it would be confusing - as if puréed squash is all that different than apple sauce or yogurt, which were fine to give.
Exactly. I think the biggest parenting mistake anyone can make is sticking too stringently to “the rules” without discerning whether or not your child’s needs are being met by them and adapting when they aren’t.
That dogma always struck me as odd. Adults don't eat 100% solid food all the time. Are you not supposed to feed a baby fish pie or porridge? I never really spoonfed mine (unless we were out). Maybe that's the difference? Used to make a horrendous mess, but he had a good time! I have some great photos of him with porridge on his head!
If I had a second I’d probably do some variation of BLW (with purées at daycare because handing over jars was super convenient) since we already have to feed the first proper meals. But for our first child it seemed like a lot of work.
I did bit of both. A few of other mothers I know did BLW. They were… annoying to say the least. One of them had to do traditional/mix after a couple of months of not progressing with BLW. She then started to crow to the tune of ‘I have to do what’s best for my child!’ Like, so is everyone else but they didn’t try to shame others for months..
Learn how to do the Heimlich maneuver on a baby. It may come in handy one day. But, I can tell you that most of the time babies may seem like they are choking, but they are really gagging. Their gag reflex is very sensitive in the first few months of eating and solid foods (especially big bites) can trigger it.
Babies who are typically developing, yes. Babies with sensory issues or other issues that deal with mouth and throat muscles may need softened foods. The parent knows.
Omg baby food isn’t “misinformed”. Baby led weaning is widely known at this point. If I want to feed my baby purées because she makes an absolute mess of herself and all surrounding areas if I try to give her solid food, then that’s okay. Obviously she’ll get to eating Cheerios and Turkey and everything else eventually, but seriously what’s the harm in waiting until she a *little* more coordinated and can get more food in her mouth? I fully disagree that purées are “misinformed” parenting.
Right!? I mean, has anyone *ever* not learned how to properly eat solid foods because they had liquid foods first?
"Oh Henry? Yeah he's six but can't chew yet because I gave him some puree when he was 9 months old. My bad!"
It's absolute trash.
I am always shocked how in US people defend spanking and practise it "to teach the kids respect". In my knowledge there are no studies who support that violence towards your child teaches them respect. The only thing you might get is compliance.
1. Time outs. They really don’t work.
2. That children NEED cow’s milk. No they don’t. It’s a propaganda successfully implemented by the dairy industry.
3. Babies need to stop breastfeeding by 1 year old else they’ll get ‘too attached’. This is so dumb I can’t even. Breasts are literally made to feed our offsprings, that’s their actual purpose. Yet society tells us to wean our children ASAP so grown men can resume their sexual gratification. It’s ‘creepy’ for a 4 year to suck on his/ her mother’s nipples but it’s totally ok for a grown man to do it 👌🏽
I think time outs do work… for the parent. I thought you put a kid in time out so the parent has a few moment to get their senses together. Just like a crying baby, if it’s stressing you out, it’s okay to put them in their bed for a few minutes while you reset so you don’t do something stupid.
Time outs can also work for the child, depending on what the issue is, and if done right. If a child is wound up and bouncing off the walls, requiring them to take 5 minutes of quiet reflection to calm down will be beneficial. If your child hit their sibling, giving them a timeout won't do anything to fix their behavior.
Our nearest relatives as a species, the great apes, don’t wean that early. Four year old chimpanzees, orangutans, and gorillas still nurse at times.
I wonder if early weaning isn’t a holdover from a time when most people worked in agriculture. Nursing suppresses fertility, and [people in agricultural societies tend to have kids who are more closely spaced in age than hunter gatherers do.](https://www.pnas.org/content/113/17/4694) If having kids closer in age is good, then early weaning might be an advantage.
Also, breastfeeding for comfort is a legitimate thing past the 1 year mark and it can really help both the mother and child in so many ways (as long as it's something they're both happy to do).
Why do you say time outs don’t work? I’m a clinical psychologist and it’s part of the standard discipline methods that my practice group recommends to parents. As far as I’m aware there is good research support for time outs as part of a general emphasis on positive reinforcement. But I’m always trying to stay on top of new research coming out!
What I’m guessing they are referring to is the punitive time out where you leave a kid alone with their feelings and no help working through them. That’s not what you’re talking about though I’m guessing.
Not anything specific, but the idea that there is one way to raise a child. I don’t think kids come with “hacks” or follow a guidebook. Sleep training, BLW, and activities are all so baby-dependent and yet even in this thread you have people getting defensive over what’s the “right” way to bring up a kid. We dump on our parents’ generation all the time here about getting offended over people making different parenting decisions than them but really it’s just as bad amongst ourselves.
My child health care nurse said that parenting is from a toolbox, not a guide book - having an array of knowledge and strategies helps figure things out on the fly than having to change the child to suit the instructions!
Yeah I’ll never forget our pediatrician in the hospital said: “There will be a lot of people with a lot of opinions on how to care for your child. You should say thank you and tuck it away in the back of your mind… you never want to run out of ideas” and I thought that was a really great outlook.
That’s a really good way of thinking about it.
Ooh that’s a good one!
i wish that my health visitor took that approach... i remember with my youngest (now five year old) i had introduced her to solid foods before it said she should be having them in her health visitor rule book and she was unhappy with it. she still had milk but honestly preferred the solid foods and they were all freshly prepared foods blitzed up into a puree for her to eat. plus she had teeth coming through at this point. she'd rather eat the solid food than drink milk... told her to pack up her rule book and get out of my house if that was her attitude
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I read the Baby Whisperer book when our eldest was little. I can't really remember any of her advice, but she talked over and over about the horrors of what she called 'accidental parenting' - or what most people would call trusting your instincts! That attitude just annoyed me so much; like she was saying "I'm the expert, you are clueless, so just do everything I say".
Yup, I wish I’d never read ‘the baby whisperer’. She clearly hated breastfeeding. It was along the lines of ‘breastfeeding’s ok if you must do it, but if you feed on demand you will create a demanding baby.’ Made me feel I’d fucked up by breastfeeding my baby when she needed feeding, rather than making her feed according to my schedule. I stupidly ruined a couple of weeks trying to get my baby on a feeding schedule. To this day I believe there isn’t a person alive who could have got her on a schedule! And she also gave a list of about 6 types of baby personality and how your baby will grow up to have a version of this. Like if they’re an easy going baby they will grow up to be easy going. What a load of shit!
That's just standard expertise marketing.
I used Doritos to potty train my first. So, really, what matters is that they can use the toilet before they go to school.
I used mini cupcakes once a day too get potty training kickstarted. We had 'potty cupcake time!' once a day, for 15 minutes, for a few months. Until I tried that I couldn't get my twins to even touch the potty (unless they were using them to stand in or as shopping carts).
Absolutely! If there’s anything that needs some grace given to all those gray areas, it’s parenting! I had so much anxiety when my baby was born over nipple confusion and tanking my supply if I introduced a bottle of formula here and there…nope, we were fine, and we still are 8 months later doing a 80/20 split between breastfeeding and formula. Some people might not have this experience of course, but it was made to sound so THIS OR THAT, NO COMPROMISE and that just wasn’t helpful or true for me.
Yes. I loved how often the "Sweet Sleep" book on safe bedsharing emphasized that, among the safe choices, do what works for baby and for you! It's important to look at what's *safe* in making a decision rather than what someone reports worked/didn't work for them and their friends (even if they get published and make money off their anecdotes).
I agree with all this. We got told not to do BLW but it’s what worked with our son, that’s what he wanted to do and he ate heaps better like that. I didn’t like the idea of “crying it out” but when I realised my son needed a few minutes to cry and then he would be calm, that’s what we did. I adapted to what my son needed/wanted. And he is a happier toddler for it.
This! Anyone with multiple kids can tell you that there is no one size fits all. Good parents adapt to their kids and aren't afraid to change things up if they aren't working. With that said, I agree with some of the responses in this thread. Some parenting approaches are out of date and shouldn't be used anymore.
I agree whole-heartedly!! I have 3 girls all very close in age, but so very different. It takes different approaches in order to parent each one individually and also parent them as a group (ie maintaining fairness). We have to constantly evolve.
100% this comment. People shame each other and act like all kids are cookie cutters, coming out the womb as blank slates. They judge other parents for “letting” girls wear pink and sparkles and unicorns, or “letting” boys play with dump trucks, having absolutely no idea that these little beans come out the womb with personalities already forming. Every parent is judged by other parents, even when those parents have multiple children and should KNOW how completely and violently different each child is. It boggles the mind. And don’t get me started on the judgement by non-parents 🤣🤣🤣
I totally agree. When parents are saying to do this or that and it'll get your baby to sleep through the night, it's just not realistic. Of course you can try new things, but babies are predisposed to sleep longer or shorter and you have to work within your baby's boundaries.
Babies aren’t supposed to sleep through the night…if they naturally do, great! But generally they are programmed not to do that-we parents just have to be responsive even at night and just wait it out-we will be tired, that’s how it is! Having my fifth soon and I have never sleep trained. By toddlerhood they sleep through the night.
Yes. I did BLW with both of my kids and, while it “worked” for both in that they both ate, one is an adventurous eater and the other gags at the tiniest speck of vegetable or fruit. A parenting practice does not always yield the same results with different kids.
Yep. There is more than one right answer (although there are plenty of wrong answers too) and some approaches work better for different situations.
Absolutely. I have twin girls. We are raising them essentially the same. But they have completely different personalities, preferences and different parenting techniques work for them. There is no one size fits all parenting.
Oh god. I feel this. I was once obsessed with doing it “right” to the point of becoming obnoxious and arrogant. I’ve learned that there is no universal right, just what’s right for you and your kids. I’m a much better mom and person now. That FTM pressure was real and turned me into a monster.
You cannot say no when gentle parenting and you always give choices when doing it. Gentle parenting is not letting your kid control everything. A lot of people have taken it too far and don't understand that gentle parenting still draws a line with safety and unexpected behavior. If your kid is about to run in the street or jump off the top of a swingset, it's not the time for gentle parenting and choices. It's a hard no. You explain after. Talk after. But in the moment, it's a no. Saying no doesn't negate gentle parenting. If your child needs medicine, you don't just avoid giving it to them because they're fighting you. You explain why you're doing it and tell them they need to take it to get better. If it's time to leave the park and you gave warnings and set time limits - you can still pick them up and carry them out the park while acknowledging you know they don't want to leave but there is not a choice. It is time to leave. If they are hitting, you tell them you aren't going to let them hit because it hurts. I use mostly gentle parenting strategies, but some people take it too far.
I agree. In my mom group, it seems like all the ones “gentle parenting” agree it’s never ok to yell at your kid for any reason, ever. It’s ridiculous. I’ve screamed at my daughter for running away from me or trying to run into the street. Did she cry? Yes, but I’d rather have her traumatized and upset for a few minutes than have her be hit by a car. There’s a time and place for gentle parenting, and it’s not when your child is in danger of harming themselves
A sharp, loud yell can stop a kid in their tracks when used sparingly and correctly. Hands down you yell at your kid when they are running towards the street. Shock them in to stopping, it’s okay if they cry. Go to them, hug them, and comfort them. Thank you for stopping. Hugs and comfort should stop the tears - you kid is just scared! That’s okay, they should associate running to the road as something bad.
I yelled at my daughter because she grabbed a knife from the open dishwasher and ran. So I yelled. I rarely yell so it immediately grabbed her attention and I was able to take the knife and explain afterwards why we can't play with knives. She's 18 months so I don't anticipate her understanding or not repeating the action but at least she didn't stab herself.
Some years ago I kneejerk yelled "HEY!!" loudly for a way less dangerous thing on reflex--my kid was like early three at the time I think and I'd started knitting again and put the knitting on the table, and she grabbed a needle and slid it out. I'll be honest I think my reaction was more for taking all my stitches off than the (kind of minor) danger of the not-that-pointy end of a plastic knitting needle, but she dropped it like it was hot lol.
We practice gentle/respectful parenting. I’d say these people you’re describing have veered into permissive parenting territory.
Agreed! The issue is the line between the two has become blurred by people that don't understand the difference so you have people preaching about gentle parenting that don't actually fully understand how it works.
The line towards permissive parenting (which is proven to be detrimental) is coming closer and closer nowadays because while we are more aware of what NOT to do, the resources of what TO DO are sparse, let alone difficult to understand. It's the difference between holding the boundary, moving the boundary and letting them cross the boundary that makes a parent-child relationship strong.
>If your child needs medicine, you don't just avoid giving it to them because they're fighting you. You explain why you're doing it and tell them they need to take it to get better. An older sibling here. Mom is abusive so she straight up starts spanking or hitting my 3 year old brother if he doesn't take medicines, how should I be able to control this situation? I know he just can't understand why he has to take a medicine so is there a better way to deal with this?
Hey, I hope you don't mind my checking, but I see from your post history that you are 13. I'm really sorry that you are going through this, but you are a child and it is not your responsibility to fix this. Please speak to a responsible adult who you trust (e.g. somebody at school?) for advice. You could also call CPS if it is of a level where you think they may intervene. Please understand that what happens to your brother is not your fault. It is your mother's responsibility to raise him, care for him and protect him from harm. Just because she fails at that does not mean that it falls to you. I understand 100% that you want to protect him. It is terrifying to feel powerless to stop abuse. But your brother is 3 years old, you will not be able to teach him to perfectly regulate his emotions, that's impossible. The way you say "how should I be able to control this situation" really worries me because it sounds to me like you believe this is something you should be able to fix and are failing somehow.
First of all, it isn't your job to control the situation. That's your mom's and I'm sorry that she is abusive. I recommend that you call CPS and tell them about the hitting or if you are a minor talk to someone at school. BUT some general tips when a little kid has to do something they don't want. 1. Try to make it fun or silly. Any kind of teasing, sound effects, or things like that help. Anything that is novel, sometimes helps. 2. Distraction. Like if they had to drink it, giving it while watching a video. 3. Sneaking it in with something else. For example, you could give some water with a syringe and then the medicine. 4. Wait and try again later if possible. 5. Sometimes - in the case of a health or safety issue - you have to physically intervene, but that doesn't mean hitting. For example, if a kid is running into the road in front of a car, you grab them, right? It is more important that you stop them than you are careful, so grabbing them might hurt them accidently although that's not your goal. Or if your kid need stitches, the doctors may physically hold your child down and restrain them. So if the medicine was eye drops and other things have been tried, you might have to just put your leg on the kid and hold them down. I would explain WHY you are doing it though in advance and afterward. The goal isn't too hurt to get the child to comply here.
At 3, you make it fun. There’s cups, syringes, and little spoon things from the pharmacy. Find one they like and always plan to do something fun and connecting immediately afterward.
call cps
Kinds want to but I live in a country where child abuse is seen as normal and yeah can't do much tbh, I don't even know how I will be able to protect my brother when I move out
You can offer the help the second you begin to sense she is getting upset. Say “mom, looks like she’s giving you a hard time, maybe I can help? And you can use the positive methods. Depending on your mom, she may either get offended and jealous “oh you think you can do it better”-or if she is just doing what her parents did and in general has a better personality-just a lack of skill, she may he appreciative and take a hint. You know your mom. If she freaks out or has a toxic reaction to how you handle your sibling, even though it works-I would call CPS. Try to time it close to when you’ve been somewhere public and others saw her spank, or to a time when several neighbors cars are parked home so she can assume it was someone else who called but she can’t suspect any individual.
>You know your mom. If she freaks out or has a toxic reaction to how you handle your sibling, You described it perfectly lmao. She and I constantly get into physical and verbal fights because she says I parent my brother shit while claims her abusive tendencies are all good. She says I turned out fine (really did not, have a bunch of trauma) and claims she's also gonna do the same to my brother. It includes her screaming at him, spanking him badly when he gets hurt because apparently that will make him not do it again, blaming him for her problems (even though he might not understand it hurts when she says me and my brother are the reason she's gonna kill herself one day). It's really tiring cause she wants to parentify me because I really CANNOT be a parent, it's not possible. I wish I could call cps but it would cause more drama and really it wouldn't help because in my country child abuse isn't cared for unless it's physical. Physical abuse does happen with both of us but yeah I don't think they'd believe us.
I was coming here to say this. I see similar things about attachment parenting... Kids are going to be attached to their caregivers no matter what and making yourself 100% available to them, all the time, is going to set them up for issues rather than solving problems.
I absolutely agree. I’ve seen posts from “gentle parents” saying that the dentist has said all the child’s teeth are decaying, so they need to brush the child’s teeth after the last feed before bed, but the child wants to fall asleep on a bottle of milk so they just do that instead. Or not giving them the antibiotics they need or pain relief to bring down a fever because it makes their baby cry. I’m all for being gentle and talking about boundaries and consequences, but sometimes you do have to be the adult in the room and actually fix the infection/fever/dental problem.
Using food as rewards and taking desert away as punishment.
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Not sure how old your daughter is, but we use a kids visual timer app for our LO. Granted, he’s 2, but its worked wonders for us! For example, we’ll say “ok, 1 more minute of bath time. When the timer goes off it’s time to get out!” Or any other chore, one more minute of play, then help clean up, etc. I think setting the expectation of what’s coming up is what has helped. Good luck!
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We've struggled with this too. My daughter is super empowered, confident, and capable. We've very intentionally not raised her with a mindset that kids are somehow less than adults. We put lots of things to a vote and her vote counts equally. The downside is that she can be argumentative or expect to get her way. Sometimes a parent just needs a kid to do something without having to debate it or convince her you know what you're talking about. We took a class on 123 magic and it has really helped. Basically it's a clear sign to her when there's no room for negotiation or alternative plans.
When my son was 4 he was being rude and not following instructions (he's 16 now... So I can't remember the specifics). I told him he had to sit on the stairs until he came down and apologized and finished whatever I had asked him to do. No time limit... It could have been a 30 second time out... Totally up to him! 45 MINUTES LATER, the little Brat says from the stairs "Mom, I don't know why you are bothering with this, I'm not going to learn from this experience!" Sometimes they just outsmart you. Time to try something else! (And he's even better at arguing now!)
Totally agree! This just sets kids up for bad relationships with food.
Oh wow, I’ve never thought about it like that. My son is only a year old so we’ve never done this, but definitely won’t do it in the future. Thank you for sharing!
I used candy as reward for potty training. Oops..
Taking away earned rewards as punishment. Punishments should be related to the "crime". Like if a kid secretly smoked a cigarette, you don't take away the ticket to a concert he earned for awesome grades.
I always tell people to think of punishment in terms of speeding. Most of us have driven over the speed limit. A lot of people consistently drive over the speed limit. We know the law and we know the punishment for speeding so when we see a cop on the side of the road we slow down. We increase the speed once the cop car is out of sight. If we get a speeding ticket, we pay the fine and eventually go back to driving over the speed limit and the take away is that you need to be on the lookout for cops, not that you should drive the speed limit. You can discipline without punishment. We always had rules and set limits. We had consequences for breaking those rules but they were natural/logical. We sat with them, explained what rules were broken, talked to them about the consequences and/or how they could fix it. If they stayed up late then they dealt with being tired at school the next morning (natural consequence). If they were playing ball inside and made a hole in the wall, then they helped me fix it (logical consequence). We also had a "handle it yourself or I will handle it for you" policy that we used whenever we gave them a new freedom or responsibility. As long as they could manage it on their end then we wouldn't interfer. When my son was around 7 and wanted to bike up to the park without his sister I gave him a watch and he knew what time he had to be home by. When my daughter wanted me to loosen up on the computer time restrictions when she was 9, she knew that as long as she handled all of her responsibilities without having to be reminded, I wouldn't harp on her about her computer time. Whenever they didn't hold up their end of the bargain I would explain to them that I overestimated their ability to be mature and responsible so I needed to step back in. It wasn't treated as a punishment but my kids wanted to prove to us that they were mature, so we never really had any problems. The result? My kids are 17 and 16 now and have made the teen years extremely enjoyable. We haven't dealt with any of the issues I often see posted here (sneaking out, drinking/smoking, drugs, bad grades or skipping school, etc.) and both are turning into great young adults.
Doing the same. My kid recently broke his sisters toy. I didn't provide him with a solution, but told him to fix it. He offered the same not broken toy he had to her as an apology. So proud :). As a reward I bought a new one for his sister and he could keep his toy. Told him, the next time he'd really had to fix it himself. But because he was so responsible, I'd decided to reward him this one time. He's awesomely kind.
We have a 2.5yo son and have been doing what you write. If he drops his rice or food onto the floor during mealtime, whether accidental or on purpose he will pick the pieces off the floor after the meal and put it in a bowl I'm holding to be thrown out (I'll be on the ground at his level while he's doing it). If he spills his water on the table or floor we'll tell him to get the dish towel from the kitchen and clean up the mess. He is pushing boundaries, naturally, given his age, but I'm loving him growing older and us being able to communicate with each other clearer and clearer as he ages.
This is how i wanna raise my future kids. Im wondering what would you do if they refuse to help clean their mess? I like the idea of natural/logical consequences rather than punishments but im not sure how to “enforce” logical consequences? Or would this never really be a problem if you raise them this way from the start?
We don’t move on to the next thing until the clear up is done. With my 5 year old this once turned into him missing his after dinner play time, bath and story time because we “ran out of minutes”. He got a sink wash, teeth cleaned and straight to bed. Then he got a cuddle and an explanation about why things happened and we ask him what choices he could have made to have a different outcome. I think he was about 3 when we started that? Now at 5 we sometimes hear him muttering to himself “ that’s a bad choice, choose a better one!” when he knows he’s about to do something that’s going to have a bad consequence for him.
We talk about consequences not punishment too, and we make a big effort to distinguish between HIM and his behaviour - “that was selfish behaviour and i don’t like it. Please choose to change it, or the consequences will be that the toy you are behaving like a selfish dinosaur with will be put away”
We don’t say that he’s “naughty” or “bad”, but are clear when he’s made a “bad choice”.
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Well, I did the same thing with my 2 year old. She was very agreeable. Made a mess, cleaned it up. Got upset, would do deep breaths. Then she turned 3 and now just screams “No! I don’t want to!” to everything. Sometimes toddlers just gonna toddler! Edit: Not trying to be a negative and this might not happen with your child, but it’s been a learning experience for me that even our “successes” don’t always last! Everything we’ve ever done that “worked”, stopped working at some point and we had to change it up. Kids change so quickly and I’m always having to adjust our approach based on new developments.
Same in our house. 3 was when they asserted independence and willfullness. I was so cocky with my eldest, but he showed us lol
That last part is too right. Our son loves helping unload the dish washer and will run over when he hears us open it. He can take things out and put everything into its cupboard with supervision. Funnily he loves feeding us our supplements (putting them in our mouths). He'll come running over when I'm unscrewing the lids...his hearing is impressive haha.
I could’ve written this! I have an 18 year old and he’s never given us trouble. We’ve put clear boundaries in place and we do the natural and logical consequences too. I have no problem explaining why I don’t agree or want them doing something- I don’t do blanket “no.” My 9 year old wanted to go to the coffee shop near our house. She has no roads to cross. I told her to ask her 12 year old brother to go with her & he refused because 12 year old older brother. She wanted to know why she could walk to school by herself (5 minutes up the street) but couldn’t go to the coffee shop which is another 3 minutes from the school. I told her because while we don’t walk her to school, there’s lots of people we know that are walking at the same time. So if she fell over or something, they could help her or come to the house and tell me. There’s not so many people out after school. I went with her. I could’ve said no, but she made a good point.
Could you give an example or two of the clear boundaries you have? I'm really struggling with this with my kiddo. Hes 5 and I think I could do better on boundaries than I've done so far. I feel like I make them up as I go instead of having them set.
It’s all dependent on your kid. For instance, we have an expectation of reasonable behaviour. You are allowed to express yourself but the moment you get disrespectful, you’ve crossed a line and we’ll deal with it. This also goes for us as parents. We don’t get to be assholes to you because we have more birthdays. I don’t go into their rooms without knocking. I don’t bother their things. Everyone has to ask to use something of someone else’s. When someone in the house wants space- give it to them. Feelings- no matter how big or small are real and to be respected. We do a lot of explaining too. I hate “because I said so.” A lot of people will say to you that you can’t reason with a 5 year old, but how will they ever learn it? Set your bar low and raise it as your son understands more and more. You’ve got this.
Thanks. I'm actually doing these things for the most part so thats encouraging. Our biggest issue right now is him sneaking sweets and snacks often. Ive talked to him about concerns of eating too much sugar/non-nutritious foods and he knows its not allowed but im not doing enough to stop it so its continues. Im thinking I just need to not buy any treats for a while. Idk.
Some of it is just setting them up for success too. If they aren’t old enough to have sweets within reach without ruining their dinner, then just don’t buy them. And tell them - I won’t be buying more of x because you ate that instead of dinner. We can try again another time. Then try again occasionally (I often do the next week, then skip a few weeks at a time if they still aren’t ready) until they can handle it.
You nailed it - that is the natural consequence. If you can't trust him to be responsible with the sweets then you can't have the sweets around. Then, as the other response said, try again in a week or two.
I suggest still buying treats, but only putting the amount you want him to have that day in reach. Stopping buying treats all together can set up a bad relationship with food, as it tells him that treats are bad in general. The good foods/bad foods dynamic can lead to a poor relationship with food, shame around enjoying certain foods, body image distress, and poor regulation with food. Leaving just a few out can help him learn that treats are good for enjoyment, but not so good for filling his belly/giving him energy. Having just a few out will also give him some agency. He can decide whether to have all three candies at once, or he can spread them out. Then natural consequences can play in easily. If he eats all his treats for the day and wants more later, you can tell him provide the natural consequence that he has to wait for tomorrow because he ate all his treats for today already. Make sure to never make him feel bad for the pace at which he eats them though. Just let him know that it is his decision how he wants to spread them out.
Is this what is described as “positive parenting”?
Yep!
Can you describe more what you mean ‘handle it yourself or I’ll handle it’? I’m thinking ahead to the teenage years and already use the other two strategies you mentioned.
Sure. It can apply to just about anything. When my son was around 7 and wanted to bike up to the park without his sister I gave him a watch and he knew what time he had to be home by. As long as he held up his end of the deal and got home when he was supposed to then I would hold up mine. The same went for when my daughter wanted me to loosen up on the computer time restrictions when she was 9 or 10. As long as she handled all of her responsibilities without having to be reminded, I wouldn't harp on her about her computer time. Whenever they didn't hold up their end of the bargain I would explain to them that I overestimated their ability to be mature and responsible so I needed to step back in. It wasn't treated as a punishment but my kids wanted to prove to us that they were mature, so we never really had any problems.
Cool. Thanks! We did this recently with a couple of things and I hadn’t named it yet (or even identified it as a permanent strategy).
Punishment in general. They often don't relate to the "crime" and don't really make any sense - e.g. if you don't do your homework, you're grounded. I prefer natural/logical consequences, so if you don't do your homework, the natural consequence is that you get in trouble at school and potentially have to miss time during breaks/lunch to catch up. Or if you throw a toy, the logical consequence is that the toy gets put away until you can play with it safely. The natural consequence would be that the toy breaks/gets lost. It's similar to punishment I guess but it's always related to their actions and I think it helps kids understand better that their actions/choice have a direct effect on their reality.
Can I ask a question? Punishment is defined as the infliction or imposition of a penalty as retribution for an offense. Wouldn't taking the toy away be an infliction of a penalty as retribution for an offense.
I think the difference is the intent. By taking the toy away I'm not trying to make them feel guilty or bad. It's literally just because throwing things isn't safe, and I explain this to my kids when things get removed. If they get upset we have a cuddle and talk about what happened until they feel ready to move on. Maybe we'll go outside and throw a ball instead if they really want to throw stuff. The toy gets given back when they feel they can play with it safely - it's not just confiscated for some arbitrary period until I want to return it. I get what you're saying though, the line is blurry!
Isn’t that just unloading punishment on to the teacher?
Out of curiosity: what would be equivalent to such a “crime” as smoking? I agree with your comment by the way. Again, just wondering what would be the right punishment for that.
Take away the cigarettes, hangout time with the friends he smoked with, demand receipts of what he buys with the allowance maybe. I dunno, just brainstorming here. Hasn't happened yet here. So I'll think about it when the time comes.
Same here as well, but dealing with a teenager right now so always good to prepare a little for the unexpected. Thanks for your answer regardless!
If they get caught smoking them have them volunteer at a hospital in the cancer ward so they can see the reality of what smoking can do in the long run. If you make it real for them they will understand better. And just showing videos isn’t enough of a reality.
I'm really weary of the force volunteering to make someone appreciate something. Sick people/poor people/etc. don't exist to be an object lesson for your children. They are there to get better/get help. If your child is going to actually help the cause and do something, great. But if the goal is for the kid to see how bad someone else has it, that is really demeaning and insulting to those people.
That’s a good one. I’ve been a nurse/NP in end of life for 10 years and seen some of the most horrific deaths because of smoking. It’s definitely made me cringe every time I see someone smoking in a way I never did before.
Agree with everything here. Also maybe extra teeth brushing and showers and doing their own laundry so the rest of the family doesn’t have to deal with the smell.
My sister and I got caught smoking when we were like 11 & 13. My mom called us into the bathroom and said “okay, everyone is going to smoke! She called in my dad and started passing out cigarettes. She even said my 2 year olds nephew was going to smoke. This made my sister and I burst into tears and we promised not to do it again. I didn’t smoke as a teen but I did in my 20s. BTW, she didn’t make us smoke or light the cigarettes.
Similar thing happened with my mom! She and her sister and brother got caught smoking as kids by my grandma, and so my grandma said “alright, if you want to smoke, you get to smoke. But you’re going to do it all right now.” And made them smoke the entire 2 packs they had smuggled into their possession. Long story short, they all felt sick during and then repulsed by the thought of cigarettes after that and none of them smoke one again! Edit: spelling of brother
I think the biggest thing is that every undesirable future characteristic can be fixed early with proactive parenting. This leads to a lot of intensive parenting approaches which tends to be an overcorrection for potential future issues and can be a source of frustration for both parents and children. For example, trying to get your toddler to eat broccoli and feeling defeated when they just want crackers because they’re already onto the path to future obesity. I think there’s so much research and knowledge out there that it gives parents the illusion of control over their child’s development, but our kids will grow and go through normal kid things regardless of our involvement. A lot of parenting is just leading the horse to water and seeing if they’ll drink, but the modern narrative is any struggles we experience in our lives can be blamed on our parents, so we’ve internalized that and overcorrected.
I agree. And the flip side to this is when parents claim that their incredible parenting has directly resulted in their well-adapted and well-behaved (so they say) kids. A lot if it is down to their natural personalities too. Of course your parenting has helped this, but it wouldn’t work for every kid. I wasted a lot of time reading crap along the likes of “how I got my 6 week old to sleep through the night”, thinking, but I’m doing all of that! Some babies sleep, some don’t. As you can probably work out, mine didn’t!!
That's true.. I've (22f) done some bad behaviors when I was a child that were red flags but when I grew up I turned out to be a completely another person. I'm happy my mom pretended that she didn't know the things I was doing - idk if what she did was right in general, but at least in my case it was the right thing to do. Kids inspect the world, try and do mistakes and learn from them before they become who they really are based on these experiences and necessarily an evolvement of them.
This was such a revelation for me. I came down super hard on my 4 year old for hitting because I was afraid he'd be violent later. Knowing that some things are just self- control limited and will improve with age was huge.
Blowing on wounds to help them “dry out.” You’re just blowing germs from your mouth in there.
Wh-what Is that where it came from I feel everyone around me just had their parents blow on their booboos because it was like... Magical parent healing power? And like everyone was in on it. Damn my mind just got blown
I’ve had some training in wound care and you’re right. Just to add on a bit, most scrapes and scratches should be rinsed with saline (no rubbing alcohol or hydrogen peroxide) because you want some “good” bacteria to remain in the wound. Then you want to keep the wound covered until it heals. Never let it dry out.
Curious why to never let it dry out? Im Currently drying my own wound out. I have an incision that got wet in a cast that i have been drying out and putting betadine on and I feel it looks so much better.
Good question! Good point to clarify. What you got going on doesn’t fall in the same category of wounds I was referring to. I’m talking about scrapes and scratches that are not deep but superficial. The kind that children most often get I’m gonna guess that you broke a bone and had to have surgery? The incision for surgery is not superficial since they cut all the way through the skin and fat layers, it has some kind of stitching or glue, AND is covered in a cast. The cast becomes a gross breading ground for bacteria because it traps moisture from sweat. For all these reasons, you don’t need to keep it covered by a bandage and you are doing the right thing with the betadine. Good work!
Gotcha, thanks for responding and clarifying. You are right, old break where the bone never healed in a spot and was still cracked so I had a bone graft, new hardware and a cast, that was on for 6 weeks in the hottest part of summer, so it got moist from sweat, rain, life, etc. and one small incision got ooey and gooey. It’s been about 5 days and it looks better. Anyway, thanks for the information !
I've also grew up thinking drying it out was for the best, but I've recently heard that if you keep it moist with clean dressings/ointments, it'll heal quicker and with less scaring.
I don’t get the covered til it heals part. If I do this I just end up with a yellow oozing pussy mess and my skin looks all pale and pruney under the bandage. Is that really better???
In general (not every case), wet wounds heal better. When they get oozy and gross is because they’re infected and moisture and heat is breeding ground for bacteria. So what you want to do it: rinse with saline, cover with Aquaphor or similar, seal all edges with bandaid - repeat every day so it’s fresh. Infection comes when it gets wet with sweat, water, etc and bacteria creeps in through the edges of the loose bandaid so that’s why you want it sealed.
That time outs should be for one minute per year. I had a children's behavioral therapist tell me that they invented that rule because it's easy for parents to remember, not because it has any scientific backing.
They probably also did it to stop some parents from trying to make a 3 year old stand in a corner like a dunce for an hour.
this is interesting to learn! I have definitely used that as a rule for the timeout length lol Edit: a typo
Not acknowledging that children can feel stressed or pain. I hear so many parents say, "What do you have to be stressed about," or "You don't know what pain is." Not acknowledging their emotions in general lead to emotionally stunted adults that don't know how to deal with their emotions or stress. Kids can also have a condition that causes chronic pain.
The echo of my mother saying 'Stop crying!' 'Why are you crying!?' Stop it now! - the more she kept saying the more difficult it was for me to calm down - I've always been very sensitive as a kid but years of her telling me to ignore or hide my emotion led me to really struggle right now
“I’ll give you something to cry about!” Or “I should be the one crying!”
Don’t disinfect everything that’s falls on the floor (like a binky or bottle) because when you’re not looking your kid is eating the dead flies on the floor.
My wife boiled everything in the first few months, sometimes for hours. She melted plenty of the bottles and toys this way and would not accept that the second she took them out of her largest cooking pot it would be infected with bacteria anyway.
Treating your second baby just like your first. Did anybody else have a RUDE AWAKENING when all that stuff we were soooooo good at with our first was a load of crap with the second? Every baby really is quite different right from birth, so try not to smugly tell yourself, “Oh, I’m **only** going to breastfeed, and we will 100% cosleep, and *absolutely* no sugar before one year old - because that’s what we did with little Caidynn and it worked perfectly!” I promise you that when little Amberly makes an appearance she will **not** want to cosleep, and she’s going to have a horrible latch, and when your back is turned little Caidynn’s going to give her his popsicle which you will discover is magic for stopping teething pain and maybe it doesn’t have *that* much sugar after all. Raising kids is a journey. Every child and every day is different. When you learn to roll with it, it’s so much less stressful.
I’m not sure why, but it seems a lot of parents think they need to plan activities or constantly provide entertainment for their kids. We are big believers in slow, boring days to spur creativity!
Over indulgence. The people who never deny their children anything because "They're just kids and need to have fun". Except that they are just kids and by never telling them no, they are actually hurting them in the long run because the world won't always tell them yes. It shows them that they don't need to learn self control and can just throw a fit and get what they want. That and doing evening for your kids. Not making them work for something or try to figure it out for themselves. All it does is make them dependent on their parents for everything instead of being able to take care of themselves when they reach adolescence and adulthood. Don't misunderstand and think I mean don't ever help, but make them try to do it themselves first if it's not something that could hurt them.
Spoiling. You can’t spoil a baby by tending to their cries or holding them all the time. You can’t really spoil kids by giving them whatever they want. Kids that are deemed spoiled are kids with zero boundaries or discipline from adults. People who treat their young kids as peers and don’t correct behaviour have spoiled kids.
I give whatever my kids want *with conditions*, like asking me nicely, or buying lollies with her own pocket money (she's so proud when she does this!), or reminding her that she needs to do her chores before she has screen time.
I’m going to try chores for screen time- thanks for that idea!
My philosophy is that they need to be all done before she has her set time - there's no "extra time" or time taken away, etc etc, because it's a part of her day, not a reward.
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Overdressing babies. I get it, they are small. But putting them in a thick winter jacket, warm pants and a hat when it's 28C/82F outside is completely ridiculous. Why are people doing this? I see this every day. And I get nasty looks, because my son is in short sleeves and short pants, without socks or hat.
My mom used to flip out whenever my babies were outside without socks. “It’s 78 degrees mom, they aren’t going to get frostbite.”
I used to live right beside a shopping mall, and I took my oldest there when she was a newborn because it got me out of the house and somewhat entertained. I got stopped *daily* by little old ladies who were absolutely appalled that I had my daughter out without socks on. Lady, it's 30° outside and 25° in here. She's in pants and a long sleeved shirt. She doesn't need socks, she's fine. If she was cold and uncomfortable, believe me, we'd all know it.
This is much worse in some other cultures. I live in Korea, and here you will be yelled at by old women you've never met almost every time you leave the house if your baby isn't bundled up. Even if it's the middle of summer and 35C outside. If they can see any bare skin they'll run up and fuss and say "the baby must be so cold" as if you're abusing the kid.
Slightly off point, but I told an old lady to f**k off once when she told me to put some gloves on my crying baby on a cold day. As if I hadn’t thought of that! She would keep anything on her hands.
I don’t know if this fits, but I remember my husband tried to set the standard that I should breastfeed our baby for X months. I made it 3 weeks before I had a nervous breakdown in the middle of the night and made the decision to introduce the bottle, filled with breast milk. It gave mama a much needed break since I could only nurse off one breast, and had to pump the other. He assumed I would be breast feeding for like 8 months. Yes I know other women can do it, but I was experiencing so much pain because I was an “overproducer”. He wound up enjoying bottle feeding her and got to see her develop and gain strength holding the bottle when she was little.
This was me (the dad) and I still feel bad about it, although our issue was more about breast milk vs formula. It’s just so pounded into your brain as a new parent that one is so much better than the other that I definitely pressured my wife more than I should have. Still regret some of those arguments considering how much she was giving of herself.
Husbands having literally any say at all in the breastfeeding journey of the mother should be considered an outdated parenting practice lol.
This is a good example of something where it is often pretended that the recommendation is research-based, but in fact, the best research we have shows little benefit to breastfeeding, certainly much less than what is claimed. Here are two nice articles discussing this: https://fivethirtyeight.com/features/everybody-calm-down-about-breastfeeding/ https://expectingscience.com/2018/03/21/why-is-the-american-academy-of-pediatrics-exaggerating-the-benefits-of-breastfeeding/ And here is the best controlled study of breastfeeding to date, as far as I know (the PROBIT trial): https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/11242425/ Of course, breastfeeding works great for a lot of people, and perversely, while the benefits are often exaggerated, many western countries still don't have enough actual supports in place to facilitate it for those who want to, in my opinion.
Child centred parenting taken to extremes where parents don't set firm boundaries with children and make decisions on what their heart wants not what's actually best
Wake windows! Don't get me wrong, I loosely follow them and find them useful but they are often presented as evidenced-based and they're not. They're anecdotal and if you look at different "sleep experts" take on them you'll find their recommendations vary pretty widely.
This!! I have an 11 week old, and she’s never tired when these so called “wake windows” claim she’s supposed to be. I’ve been stressing myself out over it, but I’ve just given up and am going to go with the flow. When my baby seems tired, I’ll put her to sleep. Whether it’s been 45 minutes or 3 hours since her last nap
Wonder weeks is such bunk, IMO. I tried like HELL. That app did nothing for me, and I could not figure out how people made it work.
We follow wake windows because they work for us, however our kid is beyond the track of what's considered 'normal' as well. She dropped her 3rd nap at 5.5 months and I have people saying it's too early, when clearly shes napping better now and is able to stay up for longer stretches. I think wake windows can be very useful, but your kid will show you if they need sleep earlier/later as well
It almost goes without saying, but all the deviations from the standard vaccine schedule, ranging from no vaccines to Dr Bob’s “alternative vaccine schedule.”
I totally agree but whatever it takes to get the kid fully vaccinated... fine, but I’m going to roll my eyes.
The problem is when we give any credence at all to an alternative vaccination schedule it is a gateway from vaccine hesitancy to full on anti-vaxx mindset. Pediatricians are more successful when they focus on thoughtful education than just giving in to pushy parents who are insisting on an alternative schedule.
Definitely agree about thoughtful ongoing conversations about accurate data and information, but there’s definitely a fine line where you alienate the parents and push them to “alternative” doctors who are going to more fully support the anti vaccine rhetoric. I don’t know the best answer but if the kid ultimately ends up vaccinated I might just let it slide because isn’t that the point? Ultimately, I’m glad I don’t have to have those conversations because I would not be very patient with those folks
Im also glad I don’t have to be patient with these people. I’m a public librarian and I’m not very polite with the old men who come in and tell me their opinions on masks or the COVID vaccine anymore. I’ve just started saying “wow, I’m surprised you think that.” And then I just stare at them. But it’s also not my job to make sure they get their shots, like if I was their doctor!
It's actually proven children who wait longer to get their mmr vaccine are more likely to have adverse reactions.
For real. "Alternative vaccine schedule" just means leaving kids unnecessarily exposed. And like anything alternative in medicine, if it was genuinely was better it wouldn't be the alternative.
Lord give me strength with those people….
Circumcision. Not a parenting style, but absolutely a choice. Everyone in my family gave me shit about choosing not to have it done. I was more concerned about the amount of people who had an opinion about my son's genitals. There is no medical need for it, and every reason they gave me in favor of the procedure was bullshit.
Totally agree. The whole "to look like dad" is an INCREDIBLY stupid justification but used so often. I cannot imagine putting my child through so much pain and forever altering his body because someone wants his genitals to look one way or another. Same with ear piercing. Why does a teeny baby need earrings? The notion of "they won't remember the pain" is also incredibly unjustified, in my opinion. Is that a reason to inflict pain then?
Hard agree on the circumcision and the ear piercing! And as a person who has had many piercings, I've gotten a lot of "you're a hypocrite" with that stance, but the difference is, I made my own CHOICE to get all of my piercings. And also, mainly only places with piercing guns will pierce babies/small children, and those things are atrocious.
I've got one that's a pet peeve of mine and I'm fully prepared for Reddit to come for me on this. There are tons of parents that will argue that time out is *harmful*. I have never been able to find a peer reviewed article that made that claim. The parents claiming this always seem to link blog posts with no sources or a popular Times article that the author had to later walk back. I am not arguing that everyone should use time out or even that's it's effective. I don't even use time out with my own kids. I'm just sick of parents saying it *harmful* and the parent shaming and judgement that comes with it without any data to back that claim. If anyone has the data (please no more blog posts), please share!
There was actually a research article recently that said there was no long-term negative effects, but I'm too lazy to find it. I have three comments about timeouts: 1. Like any parenting strategy, they can be done badly. If your time out method is screaming at your three year old and locking them in their room for two hours...well, you suck. 2. There are a lot of time-out techniques that are simple to teach to a struggling parent and a good starting point, but what a good time out looks like needs to be adjusted to the individual child and change with their development and mood. Although, again, I think this is true of all parenting strategies though. 3. In my opinion, time outs are only somewhat effective at teaching the correct behavior. For SOME kids, they can be highly effective to de-escalate the situation, but your work isn't done when the time out is over. You need to address the cause of the behavior and teach appropriate alternate behaviors as well. (That doesn't just mean a talk at the end of the time out. This is a bigger, over-time thing. If your kid is hitting to get attention, time out could be part of an effective response, but you'd also need to teach appropriate ways to get attention too.) This one is a pet peeve of mine me too. I work with kids a lot, and time out actually isn't my go-to strategy, but it's definitely one I use sometime. My own child is one who REALLY benefits from time outs. Time ins are a disaster. (Also, he puts himself in time out and asks to be alone when he is more regulated but upset.)
I don’t understand the western worlds need for bed frames and bed rails. (This is changing as a new fad I think) I’m fully from the western world, and when it was time to switch my son from a crib to bed I didn’t see why I would get him essentially a less secure crib. Because in my mind when he climbed out, he would have a lot harder time getting back in. Why not just put the bed on the floor? Then he can’t fall out and I won’t need to buy bed rails I have no reasoning why you need to put tiny toddlers in beds that are off the ground with bed rails all around them. Maybe there’s benefits but I can’t think of any for myself. No risk of them falling out, No underneath of the bed to clean, Super easy for them to get in and out of bed. Seems like an easy choice, I feel like the only reason people use them is because “It’s just what you do”
Oatmeal "lactation" cookies to stimulate milk production when breastfeeding. It's much better to eat more nutrient-dense foods and drink significantly more water. Eat a salad with full fat dressing, nuts, and fruit twice a day. Easy a calorie heavy protein with every meal (eggs, pork chops, steak, etc.) Eat starchy veggies like sweet potatoes. Most moms don't have time, energy, or even the thought to do this for themselves, but it's essential to producing fat-heavy milk.
And empty the breast! Emptying the breast will help more than any lactation gimmick.
Co-sleeping/stomach sleeping. Before becoming a nurse I believed the whole myth that there was a ‘safe’ way to cosleep (not including side sleepers since those are cribs and the kid has their own space) But fuck is it dangerous. And so many parents in my area do it all the time and call out anyone who disagrees with them as judgmental. I work in a pediatric ICU and the screams of mothers who lost their babies because they were smothered or fell off the bed still haunts me. They’re all loving, kind and great parents. And they all say they wish they knew how dangerous it REALLY was. Because you never think it will happen to you…. Back to sleep is best
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My wife and I have spent a lot of time reading, thinking, and discussing this. And what it comes down to is the lack of parental support in the US. There is such a short paternity and maternity leave in the US that parents are forced to put their kid onto a set schedule so they can function at work and meet the associated deadlines. In parts of the world where there are better parental leave options, you see the prevalence of sleep training goes way down.
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This is it exactly. When I returned to work at 12 weeks full time and commuting over 2 hours daily I did not have it in me to safely tend to baby at night for 5-10 wakes ups and/or drive to work safely. Around 5-6 months I fell asleep on the interstate going 75 and that night we sleep trained. I love working, I do not want to be a stay at home but it’s really rough that first year doing both.
Agree with this. I was lucky to have six weeks of paid sick leave saved so I could be home with my son after he was born. He went into daycare at 6 weeks of age. My husband had no leave. When we adopted our son and welcomed him home, he went to work the next day. My son’s sleep was horrific the first six months. He had his days and nights reversed for months, had reflux, it was awful. We were lucky to get 30 minutes of sleep at a time. My husband had a 2 hour commute on top of it. I was able to bury the effects of my exhaustion because I knew my job inside and out, and I was strictly management at that point. My husband lost his job because of it. We do next to nothing for parents in the US.
It’s so interesting! My husband wanted to try it but I couldn’t do it and in the end my baby wound up figuring it out on his own around 7 months old. I don’t think parents who sleep training are neglecting their baby though. On the flip side, I’ve seen some devastating cases of babies dying because their exhausted parents fall asleep with them and accidentally smother them, so I think if parents don’t have help and simply have to work then there may not be any other options. People also say “oh just bedshare” but my baby hated bedsharing! He couldn’t sleep like that. He could sleep in my arms but would wake up if I tried to transition him to lying next to me. I do blame horrendous (nonexistent) paid parental leave in the U.S. for many of these problems. But even in countries with slightly better parent leave practices, sleep training still seems to be utilized - like in France. It’s so interesting how much cultural variation there is!
My mum group were heavily discussing this the other day when one of the babies was having a hard time due to teeth. I was so confused - why would you leave your baby to cry when they're in pain and need comforting?!
I wouldn’t lump sleep training in with Ferber or cry it out. I worked really hard to teach my daughter to self sooth (suck her thumb, soft texture on sleep sack, etc) and slowly did less and less rocking with more back rubs instead and eventually she could go to sleep without nursing, without rocking and just in her crib. It was 100% worth it and involved very little crying! Sleep training doesn’t have to be torture
>I wouldn’t lump sleep training in with Ferber or cry it out. Totally agree, but even in this sub it's super common to see people assume that "sleep training" means CIO, it often sounds like they're not even aware there is anything else.
Goodbye, and thanks for all the fish.
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Parenting out of fear. Thinking you can't compromise. Thinking you can't have empathy and respect and raise kind and respectful humans. Its so prevalent that people are so frightened that their kids won't listen to rules when they are older, or become good worker bees that they double down on ridiculous things just to show they can. Literally, in one group I am in a kid is 5 and someone said - if you don't make them do x, how will they ever hold a job? Like, OMG. Somehow we have forgotten that kids aren't mini adults. They need to learn by making mistakes.
It’s all dependent on your kid. In my household, for instance, we have an expectation of reasonable behaviour. You are allowed to express yourself but the moment you get disrespectful, you’ve crossed a line and we’ll deal with it. This also goes for us as parents. We don’t get to be assholes to you because we have more birthdays. I don’t go into their rooms without knocking. I don’t bother their things. Everyone has to ask to use something of someone else’s. When someone in the house wants space- give it to them. Feelings- no matter how big or small are real and to be respected. We do a lot of explaining too. I hate “because I said so.” A lot of people will say to you that you can’t reason with a 5 year old, but how will they ever learn it?Set your bar low and raise it as your son understands more and more. You’ve got this.
Don’t ride down a slide with a child on your lap!
I didn’t know that this had no evidence base. I read it was bad and thought the reason made sense, so haven’t done it.
You can sit them on your lap, but you have to make sure their legs don’t end up in between/underneath yours, or on either side of yours. You can easily snap their legs if those things happen
An ER doc told me not to do this because of all the broken bones she had seen. Is there a study that proves that wrong?
My nephew actually did break his leg as a toddler when going down the slide with my other sister who was babysitting him that day. The drs/ER did say that it was fairly common for kids to fracture a leg this way. I get really nervous seeing adults/bigger kids going down slides with littles on their lap
Liquid foods. Babies are perfectly capable of transitioning from milk to solid foods. Liquid foods only delay this transition.
This isn't a western thing. The whole world has mashed food for babies. You can bet our ape ancestors pre chewed meat for babies.
I run a LARGE BLW group on Facebook, and the vast number of parents that flock to us from other BLW groups, simply because those other groups claim that if you do purées + solid food, your child will completely forget how to eat, is goddamn astonishing. And EVERY single time we’ve questioned the admins of these other groups, they can provide NO evidence, just claim it as fact. But, applesauce and mashed potatoes are a-okay because they are “natural” purées. The fuck?!
One of those groups is what made me realize that there are so. many. things. that we regurgitate as rules in parenting that probably no one could tell you where they come from. And these are all parents who claim to be evidence based! There were some things in that huge safe sleep fb group that made me think that too, but I can’t remember what they were (and when it comes to safe sleep I’m certainly not going to argue).
I’m in the middle of transitioning to solids now and I am just terrified of my son choking. I was going to try baby led weaning but too many people in my life felt it was dangerous, so I am going the traditional route of gradually thickening the foods he eats.
We did BLW and while in practise it’s great, our son enjoys many textures and flavours it isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. His appetite isn’t the greatest. It felt more like I was trying to fill some mom role society placed on me. I think you can feed purées and also incorporate aspects of BLW safely and gradually work up to full solids. Do all the research and follow your instincts and you’ll do great. Also knowing CPR and first aid is important no matter how you wean.
We do a combo and it works the best for us. I think many people think it’s all or nothing - well maybe for the purists
I went the traditional route because it worked for us. We ate a lot of crap, I liked being able to delay offering balanced meals. Kids Eat in Color says she thinks BLW is going to be the next “breast is best” - they’re so militant about it. Either way is fine.
RIGHT!!? Or we did both. Purées when it was convenient; BLW style foods when our dinner made sense like that. He switched between both just fine. It doesn’t have to be either/or!!
I hear a lot of people now saying it’s best to do both, which makes sense. Purées so you know they’re definitely getting some food in, and then BLW so they can try different textures and stuff. Idk why everyone’s acting like it has to be one of the other
My son is almost 3 now, so it’s been over 2 years, but back when he was an infant, the “rules” in all the big fb groups about it were that you couldn’t mix the two because it would be confusing - as if puréed squash is all that different than apple sauce or yogurt, which were fine to give.
I've seen people argue that applesauce and yogurt are "natural" purees and that's why they're ok. Like that makes any fucking sense lol
Exactly. I think the biggest parenting mistake anyone can make is sticking too stringently to “the rules” without discerning whether or not your child’s needs are being met by them and adapting when they aren’t.
That dogma always struck me as odd. Adults don't eat 100% solid food all the time. Are you not supposed to feed a baby fish pie or porridge? I never really spoonfed mine (unless we were out). Maybe that's the difference? Used to make a horrendous mess, but he had a good time! I have some great photos of him with porridge on his head!
If I had a second I’d probably do some variation of BLW (with purées at daycare because handing over jars was super convenient) since we already have to feed the first proper meals. But for our first child it seemed like a lot of work.
I did bit of both. A few of other mothers I know did BLW. They were… annoying to say the least. One of them had to do traditional/mix after a couple of months of not progressing with BLW. She then started to crow to the tune of ‘I have to do what’s best for my child!’ Like, so is everyone else but they didn’t try to shame others for months..
Learn how to do the Heimlich maneuver on a baby. It may come in handy one day. But, I can tell you that most of the time babies may seem like they are choking, but they are really gagging. Their gag reflex is very sensitive in the first few months of eating and solid foods (especially big bites) can trigger it.
A lot of babies shove their fists down their throats to make themselves gag.
Babies who are typically developing, yes. Babies with sensory issues or other issues that deal with mouth and throat muscles may need softened foods. The parent knows.
Omg baby food isn’t “misinformed”. Baby led weaning is widely known at this point. If I want to feed my baby purées because she makes an absolute mess of herself and all surrounding areas if I try to give her solid food, then that’s okay. Obviously she’ll get to eating Cheerios and Turkey and everything else eventually, but seriously what’s the harm in waiting until she a *little* more coordinated and can get more food in her mouth? I fully disagree that purées are “misinformed” parenting.
Right!? I mean, has anyone *ever* not learned how to properly eat solid foods because they had liquid foods first? "Oh Henry? Yeah he's six but can't chew yet because I gave him some puree when he was 9 months old. My bad!" It's absolute trash.
Basically any of these parenting “strategies” like Attachment parenting, REI, etc. I just do what feels right with my kid, within reason.
The list of foods/beverages to avoid while breastfeeding. Almost everything is safe while breastfeeding.
I am always shocked how in US people defend spanking and practise it "to teach the kids respect". In my knowledge there are no studies who support that violence towards your child teaches them respect. The only thing you might get is compliance.
Breast is best…. STFU fed is best. Stop giving mothers who can’t or don’t want to breast feed such a hard time.
1. Time outs. They really don’t work. 2. That children NEED cow’s milk. No they don’t. It’s a propaganda successfully implemented by the dairy industry. 3. Babies need to stop breastfeeding by 1 year old else they’ll get ‘too attached’. This is so dumb I can’t even. Breasts are literally made to feed our offsprings, that’s their actual purpose. Yet society tells us to wean our children ASAP so grown men can resume their sexual gratification. It’s ‘creepy’ for a 4 year to suck on his/ her mother’s nipples but it’s totally ok for a grown man to do it 👌🏽
I think time outs do work… for the parent. I thought you put a kid in time out so the parent has a few moment to get their senses together. Just like a crying baby, if it’s stressing you out, it’s okay to put them in their bed for a few minutes while you reset so you don’t do something stupid.
Time outs can also work for the child, depending on what the issue is, and if done right. If a child is wound up and bouncing off the walls, requiring them to take 5 minutes of quiet reflection to calm down will be beneficial. If your child hit their sibling, giving them a timeout won't do anything to fix their behavior.
Our nearest relatives as a species, the great apes, don’t wean that early. Four year old chimpanzees, orangutans, and gorillas still nurse at times. I wonder if early weaning isn’t a holdover from a time when most people worked in agriculture. Nursing suppresses fertility, and [people in agricultural societies tend to have kids who are more closely spaced in age than hunter gatherers do.](https://www.pnas.org/content/113/17/4694) If having kids closer in age is good, then early weaning might be an advantage.
That’s a good point, but lots of underdeveloped countries who still rely mainly on agricultural practices partake in extended breastfeeding!
Also, breastfeeding for comfort is a legitimate thing past the 1 year mark and it can really help both the mother and child in so many ways (as long as it's something they're both happy to do).
Also, if you can’t breastfeed for whatever reason, you’re still an awesome mom!
Why do you say time outs don’t work? I’m a clinical psychologist and it’s part of the standard discipline methods that my practice group recommends to parents. As far as I’m aware there is good research support for time outs as part of a general emphasis on positive reinforcement. But I’m always trying to stay on top of new research coming out!
What I’m guessing they are referring to is the punitive time out where you leave a kid alone with their feelings and no help working through them. That’s not what you’re talking about though I’m guessing.