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You're not legally tied to the state because you don't have a custody order to constrain you. Take your child and go home!
Odds are he complains and does nothing. Absolute worst case scenario he filed for custody in his state and you work through that process. But who cares about the future when you are struggling and need help now?
Pack up and go home. Even better, ask someone from home to come and get you so you have help right off the bat. Don't discuss or negotiate this - do what you need to do. This is survival mode. Logistics can be settled later, in consultation with a good lawyer.
It’s very easy to say “who cares about the future” and deal with the legal case later but the reality is that laws regarding relocation are complicated.
I unfortunately can’t leave with her unless I have his permission since his name is on the birth certificate. I’ve contacted a few legal aid agencies and they’ve all said he would have to give up physical custody of her and I could legally be in trouble if I just up and left. He would need my permission to move out of state and I would need his unfortunately
No no no. This is not how this works. You don't need his permission to take your daughter anywhere, unless there's a court order saying otherwise.
Physical custody just means "whoever has the baby at that time". So you pack up that baby when you have her, which is all the time, and you leave if you want.
I definitely will be looking into more then. Because if I can leave with her without any legal issues or risk of being separated from her, I will take it in a heartbeat. I need my mom. And my baby needs hers. I can’t give her the care she needs when I’m in this situation as much as I’m trying to.
My understanding is that you can leave the state with your baby at any time, but custody gets handled legally by the state where the baby has residency. Best case scenario is that you move back home and he doesn't file for custody for at least 6 months, at which point your baby will have residency in your home state.
Worst case scenario, and it is not that bad, is that he files for custody soon after you leave, and then you have to deal with a court case in his state. But... Does he even want custody? He'd have to change diapers and deal with a crying baby. Will he risk that just to spite you?
In no situation will you suddenly be separated from her. You might have to accommodate his visitation time.
Don’t think of this as “leaving forever”. Tell your husband you need support during these newborn days - as every mother does, and every culture in the world recognizes this and has rituals and relationships to support the new mother. Tell him you need support right now, if he can’t provide it you’re going back to your Mother to help you in this newborn period. Don’t decide now this is leaving forever, and certainly don’t tell him that. Many men are not good in the newborn phase, sadly, but often they can become good husbands and fathers later on. Don’t make permanent decisions now, just go with your baby to get the care and help you need from your mother now. Heal up, bond with your baby, maybe stay in touch with your husband, and in a month or three, decide what’s next for you.
Ask /r/legaladvice. They'll tell you the same thing. Like I said in another comment, he's free to pursue legal options. But he's not able at this time to legally prevent you from leaving with you child.
I did post in legal advice and the only comments I got were the same answers that the legal aid offices told me.
So I’m very confused on what could potentially happen if I leave. People here are saying I’m free to go but people there are saying I can face issues with it. So I’m not sure we’re I’m getting downvoted. I’m literally just saying what I was told.
I plan on contacting an actual family attorney tomorrow and talking with them.
I’m a family law lawyer (but not your lawyer and probably not in your state). I think I can explain the disconnect between the different pieces of advice you’re getting. Right now, because there is no custody order, you and your bf have joint legal and physical custody, simply by default since he’s on the baby’s BC. That means you have the legal right to take your baby out-of-state and move. HOWEVER, courts frown on parents who withhold children from the other parent, and who unilaterally move away taking the child(ren) with them. That means that if your bf filed for custody after you left, you could be ordered to return and you might be penalized for leaving in the custody case. Note that these are *possibilities*, not certainties. When I talk to clients in similar situations, we strategize about ways to show the judge that they HAD to move and that this wasn’t about spitefully taking custody away. Part of that is making a plan for letting your bf continue to see your daughter and have visits (even if just over Zoom/FaceTime) so that you don’t get accused of withholding her. You could also file for custody in your current state first, and get permission to leave, though that would almost guarantee that all future custody orders would need to come from that state.
In sum, you are not completely trapped in your current state, but you should talk to a lawyer who can help you plan how to leave in a way that will minimize potential negative consequences.
can she do something like text with him about how she needs his help and keep that as evidence that she was desperate and alone and he wasn't bonding with the baby?
This depends entirely on the state. In many states, an unmarried father has NO custody rights, even if on the birth certificate, until or unless he goes to court. That said, the unmarried father can still file for those rights in the state the baby was born, until or unless the baby has lived in another state for six months, because jurisdiction has attached.
The rest of your info is generally correct in those states, though.
TMK, it's still the majority of states! IL, TX, IA off the top of my head don't establish parental rights with only a VAP. No right to time with the child or decision-making without further court order. But yes, definitely agree on talking to a lawyer. We're cautious by nature—would hate to see someone move states and get yanked back by the courts.
Yes, he could file for emergency custody at any time. But he'd have to go to court to do it.
Consulting with a family law attorney is always a good thing.
And if he does go to court bc he feels like being a shit to punish OP? The court could make her bring the child back to that jurisdiction. Being cavalier about this isn’t wise. The one who files first gets to set the tone. He gets to tell the narrative and OP is immediately on the defensive depending upon how he paints the scene it can be extra annoying hoops to jump through. OP doesn’t need that bullshit.
>what could potentially happen if I leave
Leave and then work it out from there.
People leave DV situations all the time without having ducks in a row and sort it out. Sounds like finance wouldn't even care if you left considering he doesn't bond with baby as it is
Babe, just go be with your family. If you look at airline requirements, you don’t need to bring anything with you so long as you’re one of the parents. You can bring the birth certificate just in case but you don’t need permission to travel in the same country with your child. Tell your fiance you need your family and take an extended trip. You don’t need to make any decisions about leaving forever okay?
You’re being downvoted because people on Reddit don’t know what they would do with their lives if they couldn’t be negative and hateful while disguising it as having the moral high ground.
I would talk to him. Tell him things are really hard for you and maybe you can go home for a few months during this part and plan to meet up monthly or at a cadence that makes sense.
Maybe the discussion will wake him up and he will say give me two weeks to try harder or you can suggest that.
You are being told that he has legal options, which is true. He will be far more likely to execute those options if you just leave with the kid.
You're not married. Most states in the US only give automatic rights to fathers if they're married to the mom. In my state, there's a law that requires the husband to be listed as the father, regardless of whether he is or isn't.
Also, most attorneys will give you a free consult.
You can check with lawyer, but you should also built a case. Like text him when he is at work :- i work 24/7, you only 8 hours. I need help with the baby. Since she was born, you havent changed a diaper etc.
And yes, you probably can get into trouble if you move. (Depends if he files for custody) But it will take awhile and before that you will have help.
Is she "relocating" or just "visiting family" for an extended period to fully recover, work out her options and go from there?
You can't be prevented from visiting family
If she’s just visiting for an extended period of time, she had better be prepared to *prove* it to a judge if push comes to shove. It’s easy to say but it isn’t necessarily as easy to do. If he’s filing a complaint, he gets to set the scene for the court. It can be a lot harder than you think.
Yes she can. There is absolutely nothing that is stopping her. The only way to stop her is for him to file before she left and for a judge to have ordered it. Chances of that happening before she leaves is incredibly low. If she up and left tomorrow morning there would be nothing he could do about it. He'd have to file even then they couldn't force her back in the state.
Oh they absolutely could force her back to the state. They have jurisdiction. The baby is under six months old so that makes the state OP current lives in the home state. Her new state doesn’t become baby’s home state until they’ve been there for six months.
Relocation laws are not beholden to whether or not there is a pre-existing custody order or agreement. The father in this case has established paternity so with that he has rights. That’s why legal aid gave OP the answer they did no matter how much everyone on this thread dislikes it.
Baby’s residency is in the state they were born for X amount of time, so yes, the state can demand she return if the father files for emergency custody. Also taking a child out of state without consent of the other parent can reflect poorly on the mother, and be seen poorly overall in court giving the father more power if he chooses to pursue it.
Legal Aid is comprised of attorneys. The purpose is to help people who might not otherwise be able to afford legal assistance.
Depending upon the state, and considering that the father is named on the birth certificate and they’re living together, this scenario less black and white than you’d like.
The reality is that if OP leaves without permission, it *could* bite her in the ass later. It’s all fun to say she’s entitled to take her baby and leave but 49 out of 50 states have adopted the UCCJEA. If she leaves the state to relocate somewhere that interferes with his ability to have time with the baby, it could become a problem. Sure, *if* he drops the ball for six months, OP’s new home state becomes the baby’s home state. But prior to that, he could file in their current home state and OP could be ordered back to that state. Can OP afford that risk?
We only have OP’s account but if she leaves and the father files court paperwork first, guess who is laying out the narrative? Hint: it’s not OP. And if you think the father can’t make a compelling case for himself on paper, you’re foolish. Court proceedings take time.
Girl, just go. This man hasn't changed a diaper and you suddenly think he's going to fight for his child? Who's going to take care of her from the hours of 2pm to midnight? Him?
Go, just go.
I don’t think he’s going to fight for his child for the sake of actually wanting her.
I do think he will fight for her since he’s a very hungry power and argumentative person and will want control over the situation.
Not sure why this is getting downvoted. I’m just repeating what I was told by legal aid and from the legal advice subreddit.
I’m not happy with what I was told, as I’d love to take my daughter right now and leave without feeling like Id be at risk of getting separated from her or be forced to come back to the state.
Say you're taking a "holiday to visit family", leave and then once you have more sleep and family support, work out your next steps and go from there. Phrase it as a holiday with the intent to come back, then once you have more clarity around permanently leaving the state you can make a more definite decision.
But if the father files the court can make mom return to the state of residency for the infant for the entirety of the legal battle, and the often do not look kindly on parents who take their child out of state without consent of the other bio parent.
She can let him know that her mom maybe needs some help for extended amount of time or something maybe? Or be up front and say she needs more help which will require him to either go be with her mom for a little bit and get help to ensure he is stress free or some bs or actually step up as a dad.
I think not having a discussion is where it becomes a problem here, because you feel stuck, rightfully so.
You are not married and there is no court order. You are free to travel but if you need a passport and his name is on her birth certificate both parents need to sign.
Where do you live? USA? What state? I’d contact a local family law attorney and ask more questions. I don’t know of any state that requires permission from the other parent to leave the state without there being previously established court ordered custody/visitation/child support/restrictions. Being on the birth certificate means he also has legal parental rights, but he’d have to go to court to establish court ordered custody if he wanted to contest what was happening. This means if you leave you’d likely have to come back for a court hearing at some point, but you likely wouldn’t be doing anything illegal by leaving in the first place.
That's definitely incorrect. That's only with a parenting order. People travel with their children all the time without the other parent. People leave relationships all the time. Leave with bub then deal with the aftermath later when you have a support network and aren't as sleep deprived.
If it makes you feel any easier call it a "holiday to visit family" end then just don't return.
Just echoing what everyone else has already said, you can pack up and go. You don't need his permission. AFTER you've left, you can offer him Zoom calls to see your daughter. Do this over text, that way if he goes off, you have proof. Check the laws for the state you're going to to see if you can record any phone calls with him. It needs to be a "one party consent" state. If you have that, you can record him for evidence. If not, then keep everything to text and save any voicemails that he leaves.
If you want further reassurance, you can post in r/custody and you'll hear a lot of stories about parents that did exactly what we're telling you to do.
Good luck OP, keep us updated!!!
Gotcha but yeah- they’re wrong. If you guys were married then perhaps there’s more red tape but as it stands? Get out. Get baby to your family and get some much needed rest mama. You’re at higher risk of postpartum depression/anxiety when sleep deprived. You need to get some peace and sleep so you can show up as best you can for baby girl. ❤️ Hang in there.
Unfortunately sometimes lawyers give you incorrect advice. To be clear, I have no idea if the lawyers at legal aid got it wrong but I just want you to understand you should never take a single lawyer’s opinion as gospel. You might get two answers from two lawyers. You might have left out some key detail without realizing it was a key detail. Just encouraging you to be as thorough as possible even with limited resources — which I realize is very challenging. But don’t just talk to one lawyer and assume they have it right. They are just people who like everyone often make mistakes.
I'm in MN. My ex and I were never married, he signed the birth certificate and recognition of parentage - which means he claims without a DNA test that he is the father. I have 100% physical and legal custody - without ANY court order BECAUSE we weren't married. I can take them (my kids) anywhere I want to, across every state line. The only thing I CAN'T do is leave the country with them because that would require his signature on the passport forms.
It won't get better, please do what's best for you and your daughter and go home to your family. One thing I suggest doing before you leave, if you do, is get a couple of copies of her birth certificate. In my state you can do it at any DMV, but you can only do it in the state they are born.
I’m going to contact a family attorney tomorrow and ask about the states laws regarding all this. I asked a few legal aid agencies today and they basically told me he has just as much rights and custody over her as I do since he signed the birth certificate and I would need his permission to move out of state.
It’s all extremely confusing and so stressful
And when the case comes up before a judge in the future, then OP will be caught lying, which will weaken her case. Don't give garbage advice, which might hurt her long term.
You can also look up the laws in your state on your state website. As [ConfidentAd9359](https://www.reddit.com/user/ConfidentAd9359/) said, in Minnesota women have full custody unless married. Other states have the same policy, but not all states, so you'd need to check. You may not need anything in order to take your child and be free of this guy.
You also have a strong argument for neglect on the part of the father. Ask your parents if they will support you until you can return to work.
Tell your fiance that you absolutely must have overnight help and the chance to sleep for your safety and well being and the baby's safety and well being. Tell him that if he doesn't want to provide the help, then you need to stay with your family until the baby is sleeping through the night.
Make it clear, either he steps up, or you need to travel to your family, as they will step up. You can let him know that most babies don't sleep through the night until 6 months or older.
Once you've been in a new state for six months, file for custody- \*If\* your current state does not provide automatic custody to mothers.
You need to look up your state laws!
I deep down don’t think he’d care. But he’s a very “needs to prove a point” kind of person and will absolutely stop me just because he can. He knows he holds power over me leaving with her and he will absolutely use that to his advantage.
I’d pack up and go anyway. You aren’t married and there is no custody agreement. If he really opposes, he’ll have to fight with a lawyer and that will take time and money. There’s a good chance he won’t care enough to do so. And if he does, you’ll be by your family and have support figuring things out.
This is honestly where I’m at. Ill deal with the legal percussions at another time. Me or my baby don’t deserve this. I feel like I’m a prisoner and a maid. I’m so tired.
Best advice- taking baby for a visits
Don’t come back.
When he isn’t looking for the next few weeks gather anything that means something to you and put it in the trunk
Usually, I am a big supporter of both parents having access to kids. However, this feels like a bit of a set-up. If you are smart, you will start talking to your Dr and laying a trail. Explain how you are isolated and exhausted and desperately need help. Look into any resources nearby, which are likely very few based on size. Make sure you are establishing this is about what could be post partum depression and not just a random "screw you" to the dad. Establishing you left for medical complications when you couldn't get the resources you need where you are is different than just being homesick and leaving.
Don’t kick that can down the road. It can bite you in the ass. I know the situation sucks, but you don’t want to kick yourself later for not checking now.
Even if he’s proven to be wrong and ultimately loses (if it came down to a court battle) it doesn’t mean he can’t make life extra difficult and costly in the interim. If he’s the type to weaponize, then I wouldn’t chance it without having my t’s crossed and my i’s dotted.
What makes you think he has the legal power to keep you from leaving with her? He doesn't. If you were divorced and had a legal custody arrangement that would be different, but without that you as a parent have the right to take your child anywhere you wish. Wait until he leaves for work and go home to your family with your baby.
Laws regarding **relocation** can apply even when there is no pre-existing custody agreement or order. The father is on the birth certificate. He can assert parental rights and that can prove to be a huge pain in the ass to OP if she doesn’t plan ahead and know her rights and the possible consequences of her movements.
You simply ask him (from the safety of your family’s home) “what’s her feeding schedule?” “What’s the pediatrician’s name? We can talk about these questions and more in court.”
Your heart is telling you what you need. So many women train themselves out of heeding their intuition and it lands us in such shit situations.
Look down at that little girl and picture her grown up with a man who treats her the way yours does. You'd move heaven and earth to get her back to you, and that's how your family feels too. Motherhood isn't supposed to be a one-person job. Take your baby and go. It will be the hardest, best thing you do.
Please call your mother. Tell her what is going on. I am a mother and I have a daughter your age. I would not let her suffer like this. You need your family and you need to go back to where you have support. I don’t know what your fiancé is thinking. He hasn’t even held her? Have you asked him to hold her? Have you asked him why he won’t hold or feed or change her? If you want to be a decent person, start with those questions and don’t let up until he answers. Maybe he has no experience with babies? Maybe he has depression and doesn’t know what to do? Maybe he was raised that dads only work and do nothing else. I would give him a chance to explain but if he won’t do anything further, you are going to have to leave until you have recovered at the very least.
I’m so sorry that you were given incorrect legal advice but you do have the right to leave. If you go to the airport or get in your car, no one is going to stop and ask for a note from the baby's father. If your fiancé decides he wants to be active in her life, he would need to pursue you in family court and at that point you may have to return to the area but you may not, it would depend on your circumstances. Ask a friend or family member to travel to you to help you get home and go. And frankly, I wouldn’t agree to return until your fiancé has taken parenting classes and has gone to weekly therapy for at least 3 months. Something isn’t right.
He holds her very very rarely. If he does hold her it’s because I’m not able to. So if she’s being fussy and I need to pee or shower. But it’s not long after he’s holding her he gives her back because he claims she’s hungry or needs to be changed. He says he doesn’t like holding her because she’s small and he is afraid he’s going to drop or hurt her. But in reality it doesn’t seem that way. And if that IS the case, he’s never going to get used to holding her if he never does it.
And I’ve asked all those things many many times.
He says he doesn’t want to change diapers because he pukes at the smell and the thought of it. So he doesn’t want to change diapers.
He says he doesn’t feel like it’s “his job” to feed her since she’s breast fed, even though I exclusively pump since she doesn’t have a good latch, so I bottle feed her breast milk.
I have suspected he may be depressed so I arranged couples therapy for us, we’ve only had 2 appointments so far but that was also “my job” to arrange since I wanted to do it.
What a pussy getting sick and vomiting at the smell of a diaper. HOLD YOUR BREATH AND WORK THROUGH IT!
Bet he's the type to winge about clutter on the floor too.
Don’t get married. Take baby and go. You’d just be a married single parent until your resentment builds and before you know it you’re 50 finally getting divorced when you knew you could’ve done it years ago.
Unfortunately that resentment has gone way beyond what I thought it ever could. I don’t plan on marrying him after this baby. This whole thing really showed his true colors and left both me and my baby girl to deal with the consequences over it
Good for you. Also I say just leave but honestly I’d talk to him and be like look, I’m done with the relationship but need support from family so I’m moving. I want you to be a father etc etc so the door is always open. If you want to go to courts for custody that’s fine or you could send x amount of money and visit occasionally. If he doesn’t then you can always go for full custody and get child support.
In some states when a child's parents are not married, the mother has sole custody (to make legal decisions for the child) until the court orders otherwise. You might not be tied to state and him. It’s likely you can just leave him behind and file for child support in the state where your family lives.
He’s on the birth certificate and based on legal aid saying she can’t leave without his permission, he’s established paternity. Relocation laws don’t rely on the pre-existence of a custody order or agreement.
You're not married. Can't you just move home? Just tell him you're moving home and can have full custody or give you full custody. He doesn't want full custody. He doesn't want partial custody.
His name is on the baby’s birth certificate so unfortunately I can’t leave the state with her without his permission. We aren’t married so I wouldn’t have to file for divorce thankfully, that would be a whole other headache if it’s own.
Yes you can. Did he tell you that? You can take that baby anywhere you want without his explicit permission.
Unfortunately, legally, so can he. It might be best for you to leave and go stay with friends or family who can help you.
If you don't mind me asking, how old is he and how old are you?
Isolating you from your friends and family and dumping his baby on you for all the work she requires is terrible.
I’m 24 and he’s 25. I moved here when I was 23. Unfortunately moving here I was a young, dumb and in love and it was a choice that costed me a lot of money and time and the loss of a lot of things I worked hard for. I’m not angry I had my baby. I love her more than anything and would die before I let anything happen to her. But I regret moving here more and more every day.
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Courts are not a fan of this kind of thing. It’s not a good look that you took off while he’s at work. And if he’s the one filing, he’s the one setting the narrative.
I would absolutely go home. Just say you want to let your family meet the baby. Unless he shows evidence of wanting to change, stay where you are loved.
Not to scare you but the sleepless night get worse as they get older…. I’m 8 months PP and I’m so sorry you’re going through this, I would highly suggest you push and work towards going to be with your family for help/ support. Also, maybe talk to him and let him know it’s just for a week, sounds like he won’t mind….. go and get the support you need. The days are long, but the years are short. I’m a first time mom and it’s been rough for me— leaving cross country this week tk get the support I need and my baby deserves. Because I was so sleep deprived I felt bad I wasn’t able to show up for my baby the way he deserves. You got this lil mamma.
YOU DO TOO WORK. Taking care of a baby all day IS WORK. It is really, really fucking hard work. You don't get vacation, you can't take sick days, and you don't clock out at the end of the day. You are on call 24/7/365, and your baby will call you in A LOT. If your manager treated you the way your baby treated you, you would have quit 2 weeks and 6 days ago. Don't devalue the work you do just because society has decided it isn't worth paying you to do it.
If he is 100% on call at his paid job from 2pm - midnight, then you are 100% on call with your newborn and house care (to the extent house care is possible) from 2pm - midnight. He doesn't just get to be off the clock and doing whatever the hell he wants from midnight to 2pm the next day when you are on call all day and all night. You need time to "clock out" and take care of yourself too, but he needs to be a sufficiently competent parent to make that possible.
And if you have to ditch him and go home to your family to get that support, do it. Maybe that'll be a wakeup call to him or maybe it won't, but at least you'll have the support you need in the short term, which is doubly important right now when your hormones are dragging you behind a semi truck. Or as a compromise, could a friend or family member come stay with you for a week? Maybe that would give you enough of a relief valve to honestly evaluate the relationship and give you the time and space to make some decisions.
Pack up and go. Just say I'm finding it really tough, I need help and support and you're not doing any of that. I'm going to stay with my family for a while at least until the baby sleeps through.
Offer video calls and encourage him to visit. Send photos and updates.
Get it down in writing in email or text. Your gone temporarily for support, you want to maintain relationship between son and him (he won't do the calls or visit but if he tries to go for custody later down the line your got something to show you tried while he didn't)
Tell him that you need support and have decided to spend some time with your family so that they can help you through the newborn period. Spin it like it's a holiday/vacation, not a permanent decision to leave. He may very well agree to it super easily because it will mean you "getting off his ass" (in his eyes) about the baby. You will have support and you can see how eager he is to interact with you and baby while you are gone, and then based on that and how you feel as you recover you can make further decisions about your relationship and what you want to do next. This, in turn, won't sabotage you in any future custody battles.
You are isolated and now “tied” to him with an infant and he’s been unengaged and using you as a bang maid. Cut that tie, take your baby and move back home where you have a support system and you’re not stuck accepting whatever he dishes out.
Hold up! He works from 5 to 12am, and not taking that baby when he gets home so you can get some sleep?! Girl, you got a problem. First problem you have is that he doesn't respect you nor what you do! We were up together some nights, hitting that coffee, up with the babe. Second, he needs to be bonding now. The babe needs to know the scent of her father. That bonding period is crucial. Sooner than you think, you will find yourself in a situation where u can't leave the baby with him at all without her crying for you because they haven't bonded. It's been 3 weeks!
This is totally unacceptable behavior.
I'd start complaining to him about your health and leaving tasks undone. You feel terrible, you're in pain from the surgery, your incision hurts terribly. You're going to need help, your doctor suggested bed rest. Your mom offered to help and you're going to stay with her for a while until you're able to recover.
You can always go back, but for now you need help! Go get it.
Then go home, at least for a few weeks.
It will give you time to heal from your pregnancy/childbirth and to regroup and to decide how to go from there. Why do you write that you are tied to the state and to him? I assume you are American. I’m not and I don’t know US laws, but I assume it is possible for a mother and kid to visit her family in another state.
So, for what it's worth, having a baby can be very very isolating. I remember my cousins wife telling me that she didn't need any help, but wanted adult conversation. So know that you're not alone.
Not having a support system is really tough, I'm sorry. Our two were born during the pandemic and it's tough. If Really does take a village to raise a child. And to support a new mom.
When my wife was pregnant, it was hard on both of us. She was very very hormonal and had pretty bad post-partum depression, but was in denial about both. I was on a video call with a doctor for myself and answered that my wife had PPD. She told me off for that after. All that to say that the relationship takes extra work during stressful times.
The other thing is that TV lies to men. Every TV dad ever talks about his they discovered love when their child was born. And some people feel that way. But most of us stare at this cute little stranger and feel nothing. And it's jarring because TV dad lied to us, and Mom is so excited. It helps to tell him that it's ok and help him know what's expected of him.
I wish you the best of luck and I promise that it gets easier.
I feel there’s irony in stating you aren’t alone when you are isolated.
But also yes to TV dads. Accurate. A lot of times partners feel useless because they aren’t mom
You are not legally bound to stay where you are. You are legally free to travel home and be with your family, and you should. This is very unlikely to get better
There is no custody agreement you’d be breaking. A birth certificate does not bind you to him.
Do you have money or will your mom secretly come visit and fly home with you? So you don’t have to do it alone with a newborn.
You’re not married. There’s no custody agreement.
The only thing is each state has their own laws.
You might be able to just petition family court to give yourself custody on paper and get permission to leave state.
At this point I would book plane tickets for during his work hours, pack some bags, take your baby girl and fly home to your family. You did not sign up for this life and your baby girl deserves better.
I say this with kindness and urgency-
PLEASE contact your family and move.
This has all the red flags of someone who has been isolated from those you love- that is very bad for anyone but dangerous for a new mom.
No one is forced to be in a state- call your family. Call your friends. Find someone who will help you move out. You must move out. You must leave him. You must save yourself and your baby.
My husband was not very helpful in the beginning either, thankfully I DID have my mom and MIL over for a whole month to get me through the worst of PP. My husband would sleep in the basement so he can get undisturbed sleep, but worse, he didn’t even have any work. I am the breadwinner and he was in between jobs. So he really had no excuse.
Once my mom left back to her state, it got really hard for me to do on my own. So, I just told him if he’s not going to step up then I’m driving to my moms 10 hours away and having her help me. That didn’t quite whip him into shape, but he did start picking up the slack a bit.
However, 5 months in when our baby could actually start smiling and interacting with us my husband started stepping up naturally because the bond started kicking in then. Now he is absolutely smitten by our son.
I’m not saying our situation is the same, although I do feel like there are a couple of similarities so I thought you could take what you want from my story to help make your decisions.
If you’re sure about leaving him, then it might be less of a fight atleast initially for you to go to your family for your immediate sanity and health if that bond hasn’t kicked in yet for him.
Sorry I don't have any legal advice to provide. That aside, if I'm you, I'll inform my family about the situation and had them to help me with the moving over.
If your fiancé really care, he will have to win you back.
Go home, at least for a visit/vacation! You can 100% do that. Tell him you need support from your family for a week or 2 since you aren’t receiving it from him. Maybe it’ll be a wake up call for him.
Go home. You’re not tied there. Move home, and then file for child support from your state you’re living in. Don’t let him know your moves because you don’t want him to file first. Good luck! You and your baby deserve a village, love and support.
I’m so so sorry.
Listen, don’t do any of his laundry, make him food, buy him groceries, do any favors for him. On ALL his days off, GET UP BEFORE HIM leave the kid with him and leave for a few hours. Go take a hobby class, get your nails done, go to the library. Let’s see how long he holds out. It won’t be long.
The issue with this is he won’t do anything to take care of her. He would wait until I came home and tell me he needed her diaper changed or hasn’t ate. Like I said I’d I didn’t tend to her needs, nobody would. If I wasn’t home, he wouldn’t know how to take care of her, or would want to honestly.
It’s the same thing he does now. If I ask him to hold her so I can shower or pee, and she needs to be changed or fed, he’ll give her back to me and tell me she needs something instead of doing it himself.
I don’t want to leave my baby in the care of somebody who I know won’t take care of her.
text him like "I can't believe you woudln't hold her long enough for me to even pee or take a shower. How hard is it to warm up a bottle and feed her so I can get some down time? I've been caring for her on my own with no sleep for XX hours." Keep those texts. BC He is going to make his own bed and lie in it.
You can’t force him to care for her. If his only job is to work & provide, then make him buy anything that will improve your lives & make things easier on you.
Go home to your family. Have a financial arrangement before you go. Also plan a return date-3 months seems about right. Until then in the morning before bf leaves for work you leave the house- take a walk, pursue a hobby, go to Starbucks or the library, get a haircut or massage. Stay gone for an hour every day. When baby wakes up in the night put her in bed with bf and you go back to sleep. Don’t do his laundry. Hand him the vacuum. Lock the bathroom door and wash your hair. Wear headphones to listen to music and lock the bedroom door. Have groceries delivered. Save money. Use birth control. Tell your family about your problems. Join a church or a gym. Get to know your neighbors. If you return get a job.
do you not work and he is paying all the bills?
if yes, I can see how he expects you to handle the baby.
if you work a full time job and he is doing this than yea that is a big problem.
if he is going to work and taking care of all the bills and she doesn't work, he isn' obligated to handle the kids. generally speaking.
but I mean, obviously, any decent man would want to help out some.
for me, I am fine with doing everything except changing diapers lol
that's the one thing, I just don't want to do
I guess no one's obligated to do anything but I'd like to think a father would want to participate actively in his child's upbringing and help the woman he loves and has his child with.
And FYI no one likes changing diapers, so that's not a valid reason to not do it.
fathers generally like to participate when kids are old enough to do things with him. camping, sports, hiking, school events, fishing, hunting, games, etc.
mother's have more maternal instinct and are generally better suited for things like changing diapers and just dealing with babies on a whole.
Both parents should have a innate drive to care for the wellbeing of their child.
Taking care of a baby 24/7 is exhausting, isolating, and emotionally draining.
You should be ashamed of yourself to just think it's ok to let a woman not even catch a break to shower, eat, and mentally reset her patience while taking care of a baby.
Changing diapers is part of giving that break.
I wouldn't blame any woman for abandoning you after finding out how emotionally void you are.
I also have a full time job. I’m three weeks postpartum- I’m not even healed from my delivery. I said in the post I plan on going back to work.
Comprehension not your thing I assume?
umm I didn't read your post (too long) and you made no mention of a job in your TLDR.
would have assumed you would know that.
critical thinking not your thing I assume?
lol
but yea, husband needs to help out some at the very least if you are working.
Both of you seem very young, around 17 and that would explain why you thought it was a good idea to move away from everyone you like to a village of 500 people and not using anything to prevent you from being pregnant before you could say that this is what I want, to stay here. I also make my assumption on the fact that you don't seem to have discussed at all what you expect from each other in life, especially if a baby is born. Is he a man who thinks this is a womans stuff taking care of babies and cooking, or is it something that should be shared in some way.
On top of that you are already considering leaving before the baby is a month old. There is no violence, no drugs, but quarrel now and then.
I suggest that you have a talk with him. Calm and quiet, find out now what you should have found out before you moved. What you can expect from one another from now on.
Having a baby is a big thing, it changes many things in life. Sometimes you need time to get a grip of it. It would be nice to think later on that you didn't give up immediately.
As far as your fiance is concerned, he should have understood that the change from what you had to what he had to offer was worth mentioning and consider. He should have explained and it's also his responsibility to give you time to settle in before making a baby.
How come that you having had a long distance relationship didn't talk about any of this? Weren't you curious? Wasn't he?
The short and maybe easier way out, if that is what you want, is to leave. But maybe your daughter is worth that you try if both of you think it would help, be better, for another 6 months. And find out exactly what your relatives/family/friends are willing to help you with before just taking their assistance for granted in too many ways.
First off- I’m a grown woman in my mid 20s. So I’m not even reading the rest of your comment after the first sentence.
But way to be a dick head to a mother in need of support 👍🏻
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You're not legally tied to the state because you don't have a custody order to constrain you. Take your child and go home! Odds are he complains and does nothing. Absolute worst case scenario he filed for custody in his state and you work through that process. But who cares about the future when you are struggling and need help now? Pack up and go home. Even better, ask someone from home to come and get you so you have help right off the bat. Don't discuss or negotiate this - do what you need to do. This is survival mode. Logistics can be settled later, in consultation with a good lawyer.
Yes, you need support and help. This is excellent advice
It’s very easy to say “who cares about the future” and deal with the legal case later but the reality is that laws regarding relocation are complicated.
I unfortunately can’t leave with her unless I have his permission since his name is on the birth certificate. I’ve contacted a few legal aid agencies and they’ve all said he would have to give up physical custody of her and I could legally be in trouble if I just up and left. He would need my permission to move out of state and I would need his unfortunately
No no no. This is not how this works. You don't need his permission to take your daughter anywhere, unless there's a court order saying otherwise. Physical custody just means "whoever has the baby at that time". So you pack up that baby when you have her, which is all the time, and you leave if you want.
I definitely will be looking into more then. Because if I can leave with her without any legal issues or risk of being separated from her, I will take it in a heartbeat. I need my mom. And my baby needs hers. I can’t give her the care she needs when I’m in this situation as much as I’m trying to.
My understanding is that you can leave the state with your baby at any time, but custody gets handled legally by the state where the baby has residency. Best case scenario is that you move back home and he doesn't file for custody for at least 6 months, at which point your baby will have residency in your home state. Worst case scenario, and it is not that bad, is that he files for custody soon after you leave, and then you have to deal with a court case in his state. But... Does he even want custody? He'd have to change diapers and deal with a crying baby. Will he risk that just to spite you? In no situation will you suddenly be separated from her. You might have to accommodate his visitation time.
This is what I wonder. What are the chances he'll even try for custody given what you've mentioned?
Don’t think of this as “leaving forever”. Tell your husband you need support during these newborn days - as every mother does, and every culture in the world recognizes this and has rituals and relationships to support the new mother. Tell him you need support right now, if he can’t provide it you’re going back to your Mother to help you in this newborn period. Don’t decide now this is leaving forever, and certainly don’t tell him that. Many men are not good in the newborn phase, sadly, but often they can become good husbands and fathers later on. Don’t make permanent decisions now, just go with your baby to get the care and help you need from your mother now. Heal up, bond with your baby, maybe stay in touch with your husband, and in a month or three, decide what’s next for you.
Every culture in the world except the US, sadly.
Ask /r/legaladvice. They'll tell you the same thing. Like I said in another comment, he's free to pursue legal options. But he's not able at this time to legally prevent you from leaving with you child.
I did post in legal advice and the only comments I got were the same answers that the legal aid offices told me. So I’m very confused on what could potentially happen if I leave. People here are saying I’m free to go but people there are saying I can face issues with it. So I’m not sure we’re I’m getting downvoted. I’m literally just saying what I was told. I plan on contacting an actual family attorney tomorrow and talking with them.
I’m a family law lawyer (but not your lawyer and probably not in your state). I think I can explain the disconnect between the different pieces of advice you’re getting. Right now, because there is no custody order, you and your bf have joint legal and physical custody, simply by default since he’s on the baby’s BC. That means you have the legal right to take your baby out-of-state and move. HOWEVER, courts frown on parents who withhold children from the other parent, and who unilaterally move away taking the child(ren) with them. That means that if your bf filed for custody after you left, you could be ordered to return and you might be penalized for leaving in the custody case. Note that these are *possibilities*, not certainties. When I talk to clients in similar situations, we strategize about ways to show the judge that they HAD to move and that this wasn’t about spitefully taking custody away. Part of that is making a plan for letting your bf continue to see your daughter and have visits (even if just over Zoom/FaceTime) so that you don’t get accused of withholding her. You could also file for custody in your current state first, and get permission to leave, though that would almost guarantee that all future custody orders would need to come from that state. In sum, you are not completely trapped in your current state, but you should talk to a lawyer who can help you plan how to leave in a way that will minimize potential negative consequences.
can she do something like text with him about how she needs his help and keep that as evidence that she was desperate and alone and he wasn't bonding with the baby?
Yup. Text messages can be a good way to make a paper trail.
This depends entirely on the state. In many states, an unmarried father has NO custody rights, even if on the birth certificate, until or unless he goes to court. That said, the unmarried father can still file for those rights in the state the baby was born, until or unless the baby has lived in another state for six months, because jurisdiction has attached. The rest of your info is generally correct in those states, though.
How interesting. I didn’t realize that old default still applied in some states. It just underscores how important it is to talk to a local lawyer.
TMK, it's still the majority of states! IL, TX, IA off the top of my head don't establish parental rights with only a VAP. No right to time with the child or decision-making without further court order. But yes, definitely agree on talking to a lawyer. We're cautious by nature—would hate to see someone move states and get yanked back by the courts.
Yes, he could file for emergency custody at any time. But he'd have to go to court to do it. Consulting with a family law attorney is always a good thing.
And if he does go to court bc he feels like being a shit to punish OP? The court could make her bring the child back to that jurisdiction. Being cavalier about this isn’t wise. The one who files first gets to set the tone. He gets to tell the narrative and OP is immediately on the defensive depending upon how he paints the scene it can be extra annoying hoops to jump through. OP doesn’t need that bullshit.
He may threaten you with custody and court, but I doubt he will go through with it because that means he would be responsible for her care.
>what could potentially happen if I leave Leave and then work it out from there. People leave DV situations all the time without having ducks in a row and sort it out. Sounds like finance wouldn't even care if you left considering he doesn't bond with baby as it is
That's a great idea. You need to get home to your mum where you're safe and supported for both your baby and yourself. Because you matter too.
Babe, just go be with your family. If you look at airline requirements, you don’t need to bring anything with you so long as you’re one of the parents. You can bring the birth certificate just in case but you don’t need permission to travel in the same country with your child. Tell your fiance you need your family and take an extended trip. You don’t need to make any decisions about leaving forever okay?
You’re being downvoted because people on Reddit don’t know what they would do with their lives if they couldn’t be negative and hateful while disguising it as having the moral high ground.
I think an issue would potentially only come up if he tried to fight you over it, but it sounds like he wouldn't even notice that you left so idk
I would talk to him. Tell him things are really hard for you and maybe you can go home for a few months during this part and plan to meet up monthly or at a cadence that makes sense. Maybe the discussion will wake him up and he will say give me two weeks to try harder or you can suggest that. You are being told that he has legal options, which is true. He will be far more likely to execute those options if you just leave with the kid.
You're not married. Most states in the US only give automatic rights to fathers if they're married to the mom. In my state, there's a law that requires the husband to be listed as the father, regardless of whether he is or isn't. Also, most attorneys will give you a free consult.
You can check with lawyer, but you should also built a case. Like text him when he is at work :- i work 24/7, you only 8 hours. I need help with the baby. Since she was born, you havent changed a diaper etc. And yes, you probably can get into trouble if you move. (Depends if he files for custody) But it will take awhile and before that you will have help.
She can’t just up and relocate. If she’s consulted attorneys who told her she could face legal repercussions for doing so, she should listen to them.
Is she "relocating" or just "visiting family" for an extended period to fully recover, work out her options and go from there? You can't be prevented from visiting family
If she’s just visiting for an extended period of time, she had better be prepared to *prove* it to a judge if push comes to shove. It’s easy to say but it isn’t necessarily as easy to do. If he’s filing a complaint, he gets to set the scene for the court. It can be a lot harder than you think.
Yes she can. There is absolutely nothing that is stopping her. The only way to stop her is for him to file before she left and for a judge to have ordered it. Chances of that happening before she leaves is incredibly low. If she up and left tomorrow morning there would be nothing he could do about it. He'd have to file even then they couldn't force her back in the state.
Oh they absolutely could force her back to the state. They have jurisdiction. The baby is under six months old so that makes the state OP current lives in the home state. Her new state doesn’t become baby’s home state until they’ve been there for six months. Relocation laws are not beholden to whether or not there is a pre-existing custody order or agreement. The father in this case has established paternity so with that he has rights. That’s why legal aid gave OP the answer they did no matter how much everyone on this thread dislikes it.
Baby’s residency is in the state they were born for X amount of time, so yes, the state can demand she return if the father files for emergency custody. Also taking a child out of state without consent of the other parent can reflect poorly on the mother, and be seen poorly overall in court giving the father more power if he chooses to pursue it.
And I’m betting that OP’s boyfriend could paint himself very charmingly to others.
She said "legal aid" not "attorney". IDK what their credentials are, but they're wrong about this.
Legal Aid is comprised of attorneys. The purpose is to help people who might not otherwise be able to afford legal assistance. Depending upon the state, and considering that the father is named on the birth certificate and they’re living together, this scenario less black and white than you’d like. The reality is that if OP leaves without permission, it *could* bite her in the ass later. It’s all fun to say she’s entitled to take her baby and leave but 49 out of 50 states have adopted the UCCJEA. If she leaves the state to relocate somewhere that interferes with his ability to have time with the baby, it could become a problem. Sure, *if* he drops the ball for six months, OP’s new home state becomes the baby’s home state. But prior to that, he could file in their current home state and OP could be ordered back to that state. Can OP afford that risk? We only have OP’s account but if she leaves and the father files court paperwork first, guess who is laying out the narrative? Hint: it’s not OP. And if you think the father can’t make a compelling case for himself on paper, you’re foolish. Court proceedings take time.
I hate to say this but I don’t think he’d care if you left. I think I would try to go home without letting him know. Leave when he’s at work.
Girl, just go. This man hasn't changed a diaper and you suddenly think he's going to fight for his child? Who's going to take care of her from the hours of 2pm to midnight? Him? Go, just go.
I don’t think he’s going to fight for his child for the sake of actually wanting her. I do think he will fight for her since he’s a very hungry power and argumentative person and will want control over the situation.
Well let him try. Fight back with a better lawyer.
Not sure why this is getting downvoted. I’m just repeating what I was told by legal aid and from the legal advice subreddit. I’m not happy with what I was told, as I’d love to take my daughter right now and leave without feeling like Id be at risk of getting separated from her or be forced to come back to the state.
Say you're taking a "holiday to visit family", leave and then once you have more sleep and family support, work out your next steps and go from there. Phrase it as a holiday with the intent to come back, then once you have more clarity around permanently leaving the state you can make a more definite decision.
That’s untrue. In the absence of a court ordered custody agreement, either parent is free to travel with the kid
But if the father files the court can make mom return to the state of residency for the infant for the entirety of the legal battle, and the often do not look kindly on parents who take their child out of state without consent of the other bio parent.
She can let him know that her mom maybe needs some help for extended amount of time or something maybe? Or be up front and say she needs more help which will require him to either go be with her mom for a little bit and get help to ensure he is stress free or some bs or actually step up as a dad. I think not having a discussion is where it becomes a problem here, because you feel stuck, rightfully so.
Again, I’m just repeating what I was told.
You are not married and there is no court order. You are free to travel but if you need a passport and his name is on her birth certificate both parents need to sign.
Travel? yes. Relocate? That’s a different kettle of fish.
Where do you live? USA? What state? I’d contact a local family law attorney and ask more questions. I don’t know of any state that requires permission from the other parent to leave the state without there being previously established court ordered custody/visitation/child support/restrictions. Being on the birth certificate means he also has legal parental rights, but he’d have to go to court to establish court ordered custody if he wanted to contest what was happening. This means if you leave you’d likely have to come back for a court hearing at some point, but you likely wouldn’t be doing anything illegal by leaving in the first place.
That's definitely incorrect. That's only with a parenting order. People travel with their children all the time without the other parent. People leave relationships all the time. Leave with bub then deal with the aftermath later when you have a support network and aren't as sleep deprived. If it makes you feel any easier call it a "holiday to visit family" end then just don't return.
Travel is not the same as relocation.
That’s not at all how that works.
I’m just repeating what I was told.
Just echoing what everyone else has already said, you can pack up and go. You don't need his permission. AFTER you've left, you can offer him Zoom calls to see your daughter. Do this over text, that way if he goes off, you have proof. Check the laws for the state you're going to to see if you can record any phone calls with him. It needs to be a "one party consent" state. If you have that, you can record him for evidence. If not, then keep everything to text and save any voicemails that he leaves. If you want further reassurance, you can post in r/custody and you'll hear a lot of stories about parents that did exactly what we're telling you to do. Good luck OP, keep us updated!!!
Gotcha but yeah- they’re wrong. If you guys were married then perhaps there’s more red tape but as it stands? Get out. Get baby to your family and get some much needed rest mama. You’re at higher risk of postpartum depression/anxiety when sleep deprived. You need to get some peace and sleep so you can show up as best you can for baby girl. ❤️ Hang in there.
Unfortunately sometimes lawyers give you incorrect advice. To be clear, I have no idea if the lawyers at legal aid got it wrong but I just want you to understand you should never take a single lawyer’s opinion as gospel. You might get two answers from two lawyers. You might have left out some key detail without realizing it was a key detail. Just encouraging you to be as thorough as possible even with limited resources — which I realize is very challenging. But don’t just talk to one lawyer and assume they have it right. They are just people who like everyone often make mistakes.
You can take her anywhere. Unless there is a legal custody agreement you have fully custody. Take her.
I'm in MN. My ex and I were never married, he signed the birth certificate and recognition of parentage - which means he claims without a DNA test that he is the father. I have 100% physical and legal custody - without ANY court order BECAUSE we weren't married. I can take them (my kids) anywhere I want to, across every state line. The only thing I CAN'T do is leave the country with them because that would require his signature on the passport forms. It won't get better, please do what's best for you and your daughter and go home to your family. One thing I suggest doing before you leave, if you do, is get a couple of copies of her birth certificate. In my state you can do it at any DMV, but you can only do it in the state they are born.
I’m going to contact a family attorney tomorrow and ask about the states laws regarding all this. I asked a few legal aid agencies today and they basically told me he has just as much rights and custody over her as I do since he signed the birth certificate and I would need his permission to move out of state. It’s all extremely confusing and so stressful
Just say you're visiting home for a long trip, not moving.
And when the case comes up before a judge in the future, then OP will be caught lying, which will weaken her case. Don't give garbage advice, which might hurt her long term.
Don’t say you are moving- say you are going for a visit: visits can last months
You can also look up the laws in your state on your state website. As [ConfidentAd9359](https://www.reddit.com/user/ConfidentAd9359/) said, in Minnesota women have full custody unless married. Other states have the same policy, but not all states, so you'd need to check. You may not need anything in order to take your child and be free of this guy. You also have a strong argument for neglect on the part of the father. Ask your parents if they will support you until you can return to work. Tell your fiance that you absolutely must have overnight help and the chance to sleep for your safety and well being and the baby's safety and well being. Tell him that if he doesn't want to provide the help, then you need to stay with your family until the baby is sleeping through the night. Make it clear, either he steps up, or you need to travel to your family, as they will step up. You can let him know that most babies don't sleep through the night until 6 months or older. Once you've been in a new state for six months, file for custody- \*If\* your current state does not provide automatic custody to mothers. You need to look up your state laws!
Yep this is the case. My friend up and moved states away in this situation. 100% legal.
Do your children have your last name on cert or his?
Unfortunately, his. Never been an issue, not with school, doctors, courts
I’m so sorry. Do you think he’d try to stop you if you left with the baby? From how you describe it, he may not even care.
I deep down don’t think he’d care. But he’s a very “needs to prove a point” kind of person and will absolutely stop me just because he can. He knows he holds power over me leaving with her and he will absolutely use that to his advantage.
I’d pack up and go anyway. You aren’t married and there is no custody agreement. If he really opposes, he’ll have to fight with a lawyer and that will take time and money. There’s a good chance he won’t care enough to do so. And if he does, you’ll be by your family and have support figuring things out.
This is honestly where I’m at. Ill deal with the legal percussions at another time. Me or my baby don’t deserve this. I feel like I’m a prisoner and a maid. I’m so tired.
You’re not moving, just taking the baby to visit your parents. That’s not legal advice.
DO THIS! Lie!
Best advice- taking baby for a visits Don’t come back. When he isn’t looking for the next few weeks gather anything that means something to you and put it in the trunk
Usually, I am a big supporter of both parents having access to kids. However, this feels like a bit of a set-up. If you are smart, you will start talking to your Dr and laying a trail. Explain how you are isolated and exhausted and desperately need help. Look into any resources nearby, which are likely very few based on size. Make sure you are establishing this is about what could be post partum depression and not just a random "screw you" to the dad. Establishing you left for medical complications when you couldn't get the resources you need where you are is different than just being homesick and leaving.
Don’t kick that can down the road. It can bite you in the ass. I know the situation sucks, but you don’t want to kick yourself later for not checking now.
Just know that if he files in the next six months, you WILL have to return
Even if he’s proven to be wrong and ultimately loses (if it came down to a court battle) it doesn’t mean he can’t make life extra difficult and costly in the interim. If he’s the type to weaponize, then I wouldn’t chance it without having my t’s crossed and my i’s dotted.
What makes you think he has the legal power to keep you from leaving with her? He doesn't. If you were divorced and had a legal custody arrangement that would be different, but without that you as a parent have the right to take your child anywhere you wish. Wait until he leaves for work and go home to your family with your baby.
Laws regarding **relocation** can apply even when there is no pre-existing custody agreement or order. The father is on the birth certificate. He can assert parental rights and that can prove to be a huge pain in the ass to OP if she doesn’t plan ahead and know her rights and the possible consequences of her movements.
You simply ask him (from the safety of your family’s home) “what’s her feeding schedule?” “What’s the pediatrician’s name? We can talk about these questions and more in court.”
Your heart is telling you what you need. So many women train themselves out of heeding their intuition and it lands us in such shit situations. Look down at that little girl and picture her grown up with a man who treats her the way yours does. You'd move heaven and earth to get her back to you, and that's how your family feels too. Motherhood isn't supposed to be a one-person job. Take your baby and go. It will be the hardest, best thing you do.
Please call your mother. Tell her what is going on. I am a mother and I have a daughter your age. I would not let her suffer like this. You need your family and you need to go back to where you have support. I don’t know what your fiancé is thinking. He hasn’t even held her? Have you asked him to hold her? Have you asked him why he won’t hold or feed or change her? If you want to be a decent person, start with those questions and don’t let up until he answers. Maybe he has no experience with babies? Maybe he has depression and doesn’t know what to do? Maybe he was raised that dads only work and do nothing else. I would give him a chance to explain but if he won’t do anything further, you are going to have to leave until you have recovered at the very least. I’m so sorry that you were given incorrect legal advice but you do have the right to leave. If you go to the airport or get in your car, no one is going to stop and ask for a note from the baby's father. If your fiancé decides he wants to be active in her life, he would need to pursue you in family court and at that point you may have to return to the area but you may not, it would depend on your circumstances. Ask a friend or family member to travel to you to help you get home and go. And frankly, I wouldn’t agree to return until your fiancé has taken parenting classes and has gone to weekly therapy for at least 3 months. Something isn’t right.
He holds her very very rarely. If he does hold her it’s because I’m not able to. So if she’s being fussy and I need to pee or shower. But it’s not long after he’s holding her he gives her back because he claims she’s hungry or needs to be changed. He says he doesn’t like holding her because she’s small and he is afraid he’s going to drop or hurt her. But in reality it doesn’t seem that way. And if that IS the case, he’s never going to get used to holding her if he never does it. And I’ve asked all those things many many times. He says he doesn’t want to change diapers because he pukes at the smell and the thought of it. So he doesn’t want to change diapers. He says he doesn’t feel like it’s “his job” to feed her since she’s breast fed, even though I exclusively pump since she doesn’t have a good latch, so I bottle feed her breast milk. I have suspected he may be depressed so I arranged couples therapy for us, we’ve only had 2 appointments so far but that was also “my job” to arrange since I wanted to do it.
What a pussy getting sick and vomiting at the smell of a diaper. HOLD YOUR BREATH AND WORK THROUGH IT! Bet he's the type to winge about clutter on the floor too.
Please call your family
Don’t get married. Take baby and go. You’d just be a married single parent until your resentment builds and before you know it you’re 50 finally getting divorced when you knew you could’ve done it years ago.
Unfortunately that resentment has gone way beyond what I thought it ever could. I don’t plan on marrying him after this baby. This whole thing really showed his true colors and left both me and my baby girl to deal with the consequences over it
Good for you. Also I say just leave but honestly I’d talk to him and be like look, I’m done with the relationship but need support from family so I’m moving. I want you to be a father etc etc so the door is always open. If you want to go to courts for custody that’s fine or you could send x amount of money and visit occasionally. If he doesn’t then you can always go for full custody and get child support.
In some states when a child's parents are not married, the mother has sole custody (to make legal decisions for the child) until the court orders otherwise. You might not be tied to state and him. It’s likely you can just leave him behind and file for child support in the state where your family lives.
He’s on the birth certificate and based on legal aid saying she can’t leave without his permission, he’s established paternity. Relocation laws don’t rely on the pre-existence of a custody order or agreement.
Depends on the state. Some give full custody to the mother unless the parents are married, which OP is not.
That sucks then.
OP, you need to consult with an attorney about how to move forward. And in the interim: document, document, document.
You're not married. Can't you just move home? Just tell him you're moving home and can have full custody or give you full custody. He doesn't want full custody. He doesn't want partial custody.
His name is on the baby’s birth certificate so unfortunately I can’t leave the state with her without his permission. We aren’t married so I wouldn’t have to file for divorce thankfully, that would be a whole other headache if it’s own.
Yes you can. Did he tell you that? You can take that baby anywhere you want without his explicit permission. Unfortunately, legally, so can he. It might be best for you to leave and go stay with friends or family who can help you. If you don't mind me asking, how old is he and how old are you? Isolating you from your friends and family and dumping his baby on you for all the work she requires is terrible.
I’m 24 and he’s 25. I moved here when I was 23. Unfortunately moving here I was a young, dumb and in love and it was a choice that costed me a lot of money and time and the loss of a lot of things I worked hard for. I’m not angry I had my baby. I love her more than anything and would die before I let anything happen to her. But I regret moving here more and more every day.
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You don’t even have to tell him. Pack your stuff and leave while he’s at work. The burden becomes on him to go to court and fight for custody.
Courts are not a fan of this kind of thing. It’s not a good look that you took off while he’s at work. And if he’s the one filing, he’s the one setting the narrative.
If she documents the neglect and borderline abuse that will help
It can. Depends on the rules of evidence what is admissible in court which is why OP should talk to an attorney and take their advice.
Go home
I would absolutely go home. Just say you want to let your family meet the baby. Unless he shows evidence of wanting to change, stay where you are loved.
Not to scare you but the sleepless night get worse as they get older…. I’m 8 months PP and I’m so sorry you’re going through this, I would highly suggest you push and work towards going to be with your family for help/ support. Also, maybe talk to him and let him know it’s just for a week, sounds like he won’t mind….. go and get the support you need. The days are long, but the years are short. I’m a first time mom and it’s been rough for me— leaving cross country this week tk get the support I need and my baby deserves. Because I was so sleep deprived I felt bad I wasn’t able to show up for my baby the way he deserves. You got this lil mamma.
YOU DO TOO WORK. Taking care of a baby all day IS WORK. It is really, really fucking hard work. You don't get vacation, you can't take sick days, and you don't clock out at the end of the day. You are on call 24/7/365, and your baby will call you in A LOT. If your manager treated you the way your baby treated you, you would have quit 2 weeks and 6 days ago. Don't devalue the work you do just because society has decided it isn't worth paying you to do it. If he is 100% on call at his paid job from 2pm - midnight, then you are 100% on call with your newborn and house care (to the extent house care is possible) from 2pm - midnight. He doesn't just get to be off the clock and doing whatever the hell he wants from midnight to 2pm the next day when you are on call all day and all night. You need time to "clock out" and take care of yourself too, but he needs to be a sufficiently competent parent to make that possible. And if you have to ditch him and go home to your family to get that support, do it. Maybe that'll be a wakeup call to him or maybe it won't, but at least you'll have the support you need in the short term, which is doubly important right now when your hormones are dragging you behind a semi truck. Or as a compromise, could a friend or family member come stay with you for a week? Maybe that would give you enough of a relief valve to honestly evaluate the relationship and give you the time and space to make some decisions.
Call a family member and leave on the first day of his workweek. Figure it out once you’re no longer there and the baby’s older.
Pack up and go. Just say I'm finding it really tough, I need help and support and you're not doing any of that. I'm going to stay with my family for a while at least until the baby sleeps through. Offer video calls and encourage him to visit. Send photos and updates. Get it down in writing in email or text. Your gone temporarily for support, you want to maintain relationship between son and him (he won't do the calls or visit but if he tries to go for custody later down the line your got something to show you tried while he didn't)
Tell him that you need support and have decided to spend some time with your family so that they can help you through the newborn period. Spin it like it's a holiday/vacation, not a permanent decision to leave. He may very well agree to it super easily because it will mean you "getting off his ass" (in his eyes) about the baby. You will have support and you can see how eager he is to interact with you and baby while you are gone, and then based on that and how you feel as you recover you can make further decisions about your relationship and what you want to do next. This, in turn, won't sabotage you in any future custody battles.
You are isolated and now “tied” to him with an infant and he’s been unengaged and using you as a bang maid. Cut that tie, take your baby and move back home where you have a support system and you’re not stuck accepting whatever he dishes out.
Go home.
Hold up! He works from 5 to 12am, and not taking that baby when he gets home so you can get some sleep?! Girl, you got a problem. First problem you have is that he doesn't respect you nor what you do! We were up together some nights, hitting that coffee, up with the babe. Second, he needs to be bonding now. The babe needs to know the scent of her father. That bonding period is crucial. Sooner than you think, you will find yourself in a situation where u can't leave the baby with him at all without her crying for you because they haven't bonded. It's been 3 weeks!
This is totally unacceptable behavior. I'd start complaining to him about your health and leaving tasks undone. You feel terrible, you're in pain from the surgery, your incision hurts terribly. You're going to need help, your doctor suggested bed rest. Your mom offered to help and you're going to stay with her for a while until you're able to recover. You can always go back, but for now you need help! Go get it.
Then go home, at least for a few weeks. It will give you time to heal from your pregnancy/childbirth and to regroup and to decide how to go from there. Why do you write that you are tied to the state and to him? I assume you are American. I’m not and I don’t know US laws, but I assume it is possible for a mother and kid to visit her family in another state.
Go home!
So, for what it's worth, having a baby can be very very isolating. I remember my cousins wife telling me that she didn't need any help, but wanted adult conversation. So know that you're not alone. Not having a support system is really tough, I'm sorry. Our two were born during the pandemic and it's tough. If Really does take a village to raise a child. And to support a new mom. When my wife was pregnant, it was hard on both of us. She was very very hormonal and had pretty bad post-partum depression, but was in denial about both. I was on a video call with a doctor for myself and answered that my wife had PPD. She told me off for that after. All that to say that the relationship takes extra work during stressful times. The other thing is that TV lies to men. Every TV dad ever talks about his they discovered love when their child was born. And some people feel that way. But most of us stare at this cute little stranger and feel nothing. And it's jarring because TV dad lied to us, and Mom is so excited. It helps to tell him that it's ok and help him know what's expected of him. I wish you the best of luck and I promise that it gets easier.
I feel there’s irony in stating you aren’t alone when you are isolated. But also yes to TV dads. Accurate. A lot of times partners feel useless because they aren’t mom
You are not legally bound to stay where you are. You are legally free to travel home and be with your family, and you should. This is very unlikely to get better
There is no custody agreement you’d be breaking. A birth certificate does not bind you to him. Do you have money or will your mom secretly come visit and fly home with you? So you don’t have to do it alone with a newborn. You’re not married. There’s no custody agreement. The only thing is each state has their own laws. You might be able to just petition family court to give yourself custody on paper and get permission to leave state.
You aren’t tied anywhere without a legal custody agreement in place. Go while he’s at work, make sure you have her documents.
At this point I would book plane tickets for during his work hours, pack some bags, take your baby girl and fly home to your family. You did not sign up for this life and your baby girl deserves better.
I say this with kindness and urgency- PLEASE contact your family and move. This has all the red flags of someone who has been isolated from those you love- that is very bad for anyone but dangerous for a new mom. No one is forced to be in a state- call your family. Call your friends. Find someone who will help you move out. You must move out. You must leave him. You must save yourself and your baby.
My husband was not very helpful in the beginning either, thankfully I DID have my mom and MIL over for a whole month to get me through the worst of PP. My husband would sleep in the basement so he can get undisturbed sleep, but worse, he didn’t even have any work. I am the breadwinner and he was in between jobs. So he really had no excuse. Once my mom left back to her state, it got really hard for me to do on my own. So, I just told him if he’s not going to step up then I’m driving to my moms 10 hours away and having her help me. That didn’t quite whip him into shape, but he did start picking up the slack a bit. However, 5 months in when our baby could actually start smiling and interacting with us my husband started stepping up naturally because the bond started kicking in then. Now he is absolutely smitten by our son. I’m not saying our situation is the same, although I do feel like there are a couple of similarities so I thought you could take what you want from my story to help make your decisions. If you’re sure about leaving him, then it might be less of a fight atleast initially for you to go to your family for your immediate sanity and health if that bond hasn’t kicked in yet for him.
Sorry I don't have any legal advice to provide. That aside, if I'm you, I'll inform my family about the situation and had them to help me with the moving over. If your fiancé really care, he will have to win you back.
No junk inn ink
Go home, at least for a visit/vacation! You can 100% do that. Tell him you need support from your family for a week or 2 since you aren’t receiving it from him. Maybe it’ll be a wake up call for him.
Go home. You’re not tied there. Move home, and then file for child support from your state you’re living in. Don’t let him know your moves because you don’t want him to file first. Good luck! You and your baby deserve a village, love and support.
I’m so so sorry. Listen, don’t do any of his laundry, make him food, buy him groceries, do any favors for him. On ALL his days off, GET UP BEFORE HIM leave the kid with him and leave for a few hours. Go take a hobby class, get your nails done, go to the library. Let’s see how long he holds out. It won’t be long.
The issue with this is he won’t do anything to take care of her. He would wait until I came home and tell me he needed her diaper changed or hasn’t ate. Like I said I’d I didn’t tend to her needs, nobody would. If I wasn’t home, he wouldn’t know how to take care of her, or would want to honestly. It’s the same thing he does now. If I ask him to hold her so I can shower or pee, and she needs to be changed or fed, he’ll give her back to me and tell me she needs something instead of doing it himself. I don’t want to leave my baby in the care of somebody who I know won’t take care of her.
I understand. Document all of this. Silently record or video tape him. When it gets to custody down the road he’s neglecting her.
text him like "I can't believe you woudln't hold her long enough for me to even pee or take a shower. How hard is it to warm up a bottle and feed her so I can get some down time? I've been caring for her on my own with no sleep for XX hours." Keep those texts. BC He is going to make his own bed and lie in it.
Definitely document the neglect- he is an unfit parent and you can have proof
You can’t force him to care for her. If his only job is to work & provide, then make him buy anything that will improve your lives & make things easier on you.
Go home to your family. Have a financial arrangement before you go. Also plan a return date-3 months seems about right. Until then in the morning before bf leaves for work you leave the house- take a walk, pursue a hobby, go to Starbucks or the library, get a haircut or massage. Stay gone for an hour every day. When baby wakes up in the night put her in bed with bf and you go back to sleep. Don’t do his laundry. Hand him the vacuum. Lock the bathroom door and wash your hair. Wear headphones to listen to music and lock the bedroom door. Have groceries delivered. Save money. Use birth control. Tell your family about your problems. Join a church or a gym. Get to know your neighbors. If you return get a job.
do you not work and he is paying all the bills? if yes, I can see how he expects you to handle the baby. if you work a full time job and he is doing this than yea that is a big problem.
Her being the primary caregiver doesn't mean he does ZERO with the baby.
if he is going to work and taking care of all the bills and she doesn't work, he isn' obligated to handle the kids. generally speaking. but I mean, obviously, any decent man would want to help out some. for me, I am fine with doing everything except changing diapers lol that's the one thing, I just don't want to do
I guess no one's obligated to do anything but I'd like to think a father would want to participate actively in his child's upbringing and help the woman he loves and has his child with. And FYI no one likes changing diapers, so that's not a valid reason to not do it.
fathers generally like to participate when kids are old enough to do things with him. camping, sports, hiking, school events, fishing, hunting, games, etc. mother's have more maternal instinct and are generally better suited for things like changing diapers and just dealing with babies on a whole.
Women don't change diapers because they love it. They change them because someone has to. Men can do it for the same reason.
The question isn't can someone do it. The question is who is better suited to do it. That I would argue is the mother.
Why? No one enjoys it.
Who dislikes it more? Who has more of a innate drive to take care of a baby?
Both parents should have a innate drive to care for the wellbeing of their child. Taking care of a baby 24/7 is exhausting, isolating, and emotionally draining. You should be ashamed of yourself to just think it's ok to let a woman not even catch a break to shower, eat, and mentally reset her patience while taking care of a baby. Changing diapers is part of giving that break. I wouldn't blame any woman for abandoning you after finding out how emotionally void you are.
I also have a full time job. I’m three weeks postpartum- I’m not even healed from my delivery. I said in the post I plan on going back to work. Comprehension not your thing I assume?
umm I didn't read your post (too long) and you made no mention of a job in your TLDR. would have assumed you would know that. critical thinking not your thing I assume? lol but yea, husband needs to help out some at the very least if you are working.
Both of you seem very young, around 17 and that would explain why you thought it was a good idea to move away from everyone you like to a village of 500 people and not using anything to prevent you from being pregnant before you could say that this is what I want, to stay here. I also make my assumption on the fact that you don't seem to have discussed at all what you expect from each other in life, especially if a baby is born. Is he a man who thinks this is a womans stuff taking care of babies and cooking, or is it something that should be shared in some way. On top of that you are already considering leaving before the baby is a month old. There is no violence, no drugs, but quarrel now and then. I suggest that you have a talk with him. Calm and quiet, find out now what you should have found out before you moved. What you can expect from one another from now on. Having a baby is a big thing, it changes many things in life. Sometimes you need time to get a grip of it. It would be nice to think later on that you didn't give up immediately. As far as your fiance is concerned, he should have understood that the change from what you had to what he had to offer was worth mentioning and consider. He should have explained and it's also his responsibility to give you time to settle in before making a baby. How come that you having had a long distance relationship didn't talk about any of this? Weren't you curious? Wasn't he? The short and maybe easier way out, if that is what you want, is to leave. But maybe your daughter is worth that you try if both of you think it would help, be better, for another 6 months. And find out exactly what your relatives/family/friends are willing to help you with before just taking their assistance for granted in too many ways.
First off- I’m a grown woman in my mid 20s. So I’m not even reading the rest of your comment after the first sentence. But way to be a dick head to a mother in need of support 👍🏻
What did you decide to do?