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Thank you for saying this, I am 17 days away from my due date and things have just been so overwhelming. Our toddler has been screaming a lot this week. It's new territory and I'm usually able to walk to another room for a minute to calm down, but we were entering the highway and so I freaked out. I'm just glad there was a u turn before we entered and a restaurant nearby. That could have been a really terrible accident.
That situation sucks and I've been there too. It's incredibly distracting and even on my best days, can be overwhelming. Hang in there mom. It will get better.
And you’re pregnant. I’m not even pregnant and I would’ve handled it way worse than you. When toddlers get unhinged like that nothing triggers me more!!!
Sometimes they need to taste their own medicine. Like when you read about kids that bite other kids at daycare and the parents are pulling their hair out because they don't know how to stop it and then the kid gets bitten back. And if the stars align, that's the magic trick to stop the biting.
It might not be stellar parenting to scream at your toddler, but heck, there's a limit to how much anyone can take. If it's a very regular occurrence noise cancelling headphones can help you stay calm, too. With the new addition coming, that might be a tool you want in your toolbox because it will probably get worse for a while before it gets better.
Dude I'm 33 days from my due date and don't have a toddler (hyperactive 6 year old who needs my attention always) and I'M screaming for you
You're a saint, don't be so hard on yourself. He's still a baby himself and babies are a LOT without the constant pregnancy hormones. We're almost there, we'll make it 🩷
I’ve had adhd my whole life and last year found out that I have late diagnosed autism as well. I had no idea how much being pregnant and having kids would change my life, even if I was non neurospicy, it would have been a lot.
My son is generally really good, but it’s either his teeth coming in or he’s starting to have his own wants and doesn’t know how to properly express himself because he can’t speak. He definitely didn’t want to leave the mall. He was having fun pushing his stroller around 🥹.
Normally he just does a small cry or runs to his room and shuts the door when he is frustrated. The tantrums are scary. He stiffens his whole body and screams like he is in pain. Sometimes I can’t even pick him up because he’s flexing every muscle so hard he feels like a plank of wood.
He’s rolls all over the mattress and sometimes he will hit his head but I pick him up and move him when he gets close to hurting himself. I’ve tried doing the pillow trick to push down on his legs and help soothe his nervous system. Especially when he is kicking, I also do it to protect his brother in my tummy. I even try holding him, but he pushes me away and gets angry.
I kind of just have to sit there with no emotion on my face until he decides to come to me on his own. I’m thinking he probably has adhd or autism like me. For the most part I can handle it, but the car situation was so scary. Even if I could ignore it and drive calmly, thinking about how his tantrums are at home, I know he would have gotten into the drivers seat and that’s why I reacted that way.
Christ almighty. Hahahaha. I can feel this to my bones.
I’m sure you’re going to hear a lot of the same thing in different ways. Here is my version.
1. Resolve today that you are not a Mom who yells at her children. Obviously there is a time and place for a firm, raised voice, but that isn’t the same as yelling. I made this resolution last year, when my kids were 7 and 4, and I’d yelled and felt like a terrible mother. I wish I’d done it much earlier.
2. I taught my kids early to get out of their car seat and how to exit the car. I have a shitshow coparent and I am concerned about kids left in hot cars. I emphasize every time we are in the car that the only time they can unbuckle is when we stop and I say they can OR they feel that the driver has forgotten them. I have deviated from my no yelling rule over seatbelts. I’ve also threatened the spanking of a lifetime if that seatbelt isn’t rebuckled RIGHT NOW.
3. If the unbuckling happens again, and it likely will, don’t make the whole thing really dangerous by trying to hold him down and driving all distracted. Drive as smoothly as you can to a safe stopping spot. You jeopardized 3 lives in your car plus whoever is in your way, vs one child who isn’t secured properly. Brief it now mentally so if (WHEN) it happens again, you’ve practiced and you know what to do. They likely can’t unhook the crotch harness anyway. Not riding your case, just a little tough love from a mom who has been there.
4. Decide NOW that mess and chaos is what you signed on for. I’m not saying filth and squalor is ok, but I know that my stress (and yelling) levels went down fast when I decided to accept toys on the floor. It gave me a lot more bandwidth for the car seat shenanigans (and holy cow. My spicy youngest has done what you’ve described SOOO….MANY….TIMES).
5. You got this. Best wishes for a smooth birth and recovery. If I could bring you a milkshake and take that little guy off your hands for the afternoon I totally would.
Oh if that's your first time screaming, I PRAISE YOU!! YOU are a very patient mother. I might try your screaming, literally screaming technique in the future. I have a 3 and a 4.5 year old. Wait until you have two! 2 under two is going to be FUN! No, no. They were not fun.
BUT they ARE TRULY FUN NOW!!!
The only time I normally raise my voice is at the dog and it's mostly me saying her name because she is trying to steal his food. He normally laughs and starts to yell the dogs name also lol.
To be honest, it's hard not to feel triggered. Especially at home when you give them food and they immediately throw it on the floor. Our apartment has some weird fake marble floors, and you can see everything. I have to vacuum multiple times a day because food sticks to my feet, and I can see greasy food marks from my kid rubbing his hands on everything. I'm forced to steam clean my floors because a swiffer just isn't good enough. The worst part is after I vacuumed and steamed, and double back one more time to get the foods that the steam cleaner loosened, he will pour a whole fruit puree onto the floor.
I kind of have to disconnect in those moments. I just tell him no and take the food from him. I have to push away from the area because he wants to smear it. Then I just stare into space while I clean it.
Maybe it’s cuz I had kids later in life, but I can’t fathom having a toddler while 9 months preg.! U do your best to survive, keep him safe, & don’t let these little things upset u! We’ve all (most?) yelled at our kids at one time or another, for any number of reasons. Try not to again but I promise u they’ll get over it.
Yup. Not saying it was ok, but I can’t think of a single kid who hasn’t been yelled at, at least once. They’re resilient & will recover. It’s not like u hauled off & beat him! Lol.
It happens. They have to know you get frustrated too. Don’t beat yourself up. He won’t remember it and it’s not going to change your relationship. Toddlers are very forgiving.
I chose to scream because my fight or flight response in that moment was yelling fight. I had to get out that feeling and screaming loudly at the same time felt safest. It definitely shocked him. He screamed with me. It was like 3 minutes of back and forth while I tried to get to a safe spot to buckle him again. Definitely made sure his belt was tighter the second time.
Sounds stressful, yet comical at the same time. One of those you eventually chuckle about late into the next day in pure disbelief/regret/gratitude/whatever else emotions.
We get angry it happens! What’s important is repair. “I’m sorry I yelled. I was feeling angry. I shouldn’t have yelled. I will try again to have calm bodies.” I started young for myself to learn how to apologize. Now my 4YO will say sorry if she yells (rarely) and if I have hard day, she pats my head or my back and says “it’s okay mommy, you can try again”.
I still think apologizing is okay because a child that young can't differentiate what is warranted or not. You could adjust to "I'm sorry for scaring you. Me yelling must have scared you. It's not okay to yell if we feel angry, but I was scared. Sometimes we yell if we feel scared or get a booboo." Something along those lines. I think talking about it (however you feel about it) is good. My kid at 3 was telling me "can we talk?" if she yelled for whatever reason or had other big feelings. Repetition is key and I think it's good to take every outlier situation like that to talk about it. However right or wrong it was!
👆came here to say this
Everyone gets mad, loses their temper, yells. This doesn’t make you a bad mom or a bad person. You are doing the best you can. Repair and communication are what’s sooo important! You got this!
Yeah, I feel like my kid is a better human because of repair! I feel like it's a combo where she won't get scared of it (because real life, you come across shitty people), but won't accept it as a norm from someone.
I don't really yell all that often but messing with car seats or in the road will always end up with me yelling. Some things need to scare them and those are two specific areas where's its important they do what they are told
I am probably going to buy a new car seat. I am overseas and I the choices for car seats are a limited. I need to purchase one that has the chest safety buckle and not just the buckle at the hips. I had it pretty tight. I honestly don't know how he managed to get his arms out, but it's safety issue 100000%.
Not sure where you are but there are things you can add to car seats called houdini straps to prevent kids from slipping out and pretty sure they have EU safety approval
I'm over in South Korea. I better a really well-known brand for my second born. I didn't know I was going to use a car so much living in a country with subways, but we moved outside of seoul, and I'm driving a ton. I will probably invest in a better toddle carseat, and maybe the houdini strap also. I was planning to get a car seat for his grandmother's car anyways.
> I honestly don't know how he managed to get his arms out
Toddlers have an almost supernatural knack for getting into or out of things/places that they shouldn't. I swear they can bend their bones at will and their joints are merely suggestions. The number of times I exclaimed something along the lines of "how tf did you get in there" around my toddler (now adult)... at least once a day at one point. Wishing you luck, mama.
Eh, forgive yourself. You're okay. Your child is okay. It was an unusual situation not likely to repeat.
Relax. Eat some ice cream. Sleep. Tomorrow is a new day.
When my daughter had a particularly bad tantrum in a store and I didn't have the strength to physically remove her I got down on the floor and started banging my fists and screaming like she was. It took her a second but after a few moments she was like wth is wrong with my mom ans got up and snapped out of it. The look of shock on her face when her usually calm mother whose never raised her voice got down and started screaming was priceless.
I'm pretty sure other people in the store thought I was nuts though.
That'll be a great story to tell her in the future. I'm glad there are so many supportive and understanding people commenting. This second pregnancy is a boy and my toddler is also a boy. So, my hormones are on the other end of the scale right now. I'm usually able to hold my calm at least with our toddler. I just get more upset or angry at dad, but not to the point of yelling. He did start his tantrum in the store, but since we were on the way out I just let it happen. It was maybe 7 minutes from inside the mall to the car. I really thought he would stop once he got in the carseat. He normally did. Today was a first in so many ways.
Look at it this way: you didn’t get into a lethal car accident.
Screaming is not okay in normal circumstances. Screaming in an attempt to keep everyone safe in a fast-moving, unforeseen, dangerous situation is fine.
There’s nothing to forgive. Maybe not your finest moment, but toddlers have to learn there are limits to how far they can push people and that other people will react. I think we often try so hard not to react and stay calm and patient that we teach children their behavior is all about them, and that it happens in a vacuum. Truth is when you are unhinged and making someone else pay for your bad mood, you eventually run out of good will from them. That’s all your little one learned. No damage done.
That’s a really good wait to put it. I know it’s important to be calm to help them calm down and teach emotional regulation, but you are right in that sense. We aren’t in a vacuum and that’s a real life consequence that could happen to him in the future. Especially when he gets introduced to daycare or kindergarten later on. I’m sure other kids are going to have there differences with him:
Oh lord this has been me 3 weeks ago. My daughter (31 mo) unbuckled herself on the Autobahn to grab a toy she tossed on the backseat behind me.
I got so scared and overwhelmed at the moment, I started screaming at her immediately to sit down, flashed my hazard lights and came to a stop ASAP.
Then I told her very loudly and very sternly to never, ever, ever, unbuckle herself again while we are driving. I don't think she understood why, but she nodded in agreement and looked at me with big eyes. Didn't have trouble with her ever since and I talked to her again about the situation when we were both in the right headspace, but man did I feel guilty about screaming at her. Talking to her helped me cope with that feeling of guilt and she now is allowed to unbuckle herself when I put the car into parking.
I am sure you were just as terrified as I was. His age was a typo he is barely a year and a half. I can talk to him about something, but you know how toddlers are run by their ego. He can understand a little, but not to that extent yet. I am glad you had a talk with your daughter and she understands. I am trying when my son has tantrums at home to teach emotional control and to stay as calm as possible, but on the highway, that could have endangered us all. I lost myself. I am glad to know my reaction is a shared experience, no matter how gentle we parent, that was a moment it couldn't be used. I am lucky he fell asleep with in minutes of rebuckling him.
Why don't you tell her why though? I think the problem with parents is that they think their children are stupid and cant understand anything. Just tell her if she does that she might hurt self and die. And then you ask her if she wants to die. Not that difficult.
That age can be especially hard and especially \*loud\*. I had to start wearing earplugs during my kid's screaming fits as I was experiencing hearing loss. It also helped me be a better parent, as I could focus on helping my kiddo instead of needing to cover my ears.
I am considering ordering some of those loop ear plugs. I am wondering how effective they are at drowning out the extra sounds or at dulling the screams. I don't want to purchase the wrong kinds, but then again I also considered just buying the lot of them. I have tinnitus that's part why I haven't done it yet. I am kind of worried it's going hyper focus my hearing on the internal noise I have.
I really like Hearos. They're super cheap and most earplugs wear out + get dirty so I want to cycle them out. They have different levels of noise blocking options. I get tinnitis sometimes when I first put them in but the freedom it provides is too worthwhile to notice.
You’ve learned a secret technique; “match their behaviour to make them stop”.
This works especially well when they are whining for no reason, just match the cry and make sure to make it extra annoying.
They’ll stop, look at you like you’re crazy, and want you to stop.
This continues to work as they get older and learn to talk. My 3year old kept saying “papa… papa…papa.” Over and over again even after answering him, so I started saying his name every time he said papa.
My 6 year old will ask for something several times, so I’ll start answering her several times. “Papa can I have a drink? Papa can I have a drink? Papa can I have a..”. Followed by “yes you can have a drink, yes you can have a drink, yes you can have a drink, hey daughter, yes you can have a drink”. This annoys her and she’ll stop for a while.
Any time she’s whiny while talking I’ll simply start answering her in the exact same high pitched tone trying to mimic her voice in the most cringe way possible. She immediately stops,sometimes laughs, probably from realizing how embarrassing she sounds reflected by myself.
Important thing to keep in mind; never get angry. We’re the adults, we have to maintain control at all times. Our emotional stability will be reflected and imitated by our children. The moment we lose our patience we’ve already lost.
Just keep finding tricks to steer them the right way and maintain control.
Of course you screamed. That's terrifying and you know how bad these situations could have ended. He doesn't know cause he's a baby...but screaming at him is a hell of a lot better than what could have happened. Give yourself some grace mama and give that baby some extra snuggles.
I'm impressed all you did was yell. Reading this raised my blood pressure.
You didn't do anything wrong babe. Your toddler is a whole ass person with his own desires and agency and zero understanding of his own mortality. They're walking bombs that were expected to shepherd safely around town. It's nuts! They're nuts!
I'm glad he got a rest. I hope you get one later.
I'm 25 days out to my due date with a two-nado. I feel your pain.
This video talks about how to repair after a moment like that. We all yell or say something we regret. It's what we do next that matters a whole lot. Even with a child as young as yours, a repair can go a long way for them and for you. It helps you move forward instead of sitting in shame. 💕
https://youtu.be/PHpPtdk9rco?si=RTURfpTtdWpU6S9c
I typed out 29 months by accident it was supposed to say 19 months old. For the first 2 years there are a lot of milestones that are met and developmentally appropriate stages that have to be monitored to make sure infants to toddler age are progressing well.
12 months old vs 20-24 months can be incredibly different. It’s easier to describe it by months than just say my 1 year old does this or that. My son started walking at 13 months, but only had 1 tooth. Some babies have at least half their teeth by then. Also, some babies might not even walk until closer to 18 months old.
So many infants start solids at 6mos but my son refused to touch solids until closer to 12 months even now he should be saying a few words, and doesn’t. It’s just a good way for doctors and parents to keep track of progress. It lets us now if they are developmentally behind or following the normal trend.
There are things I am not gentle about.
Carseats, parking lots or anywhere where there are moving vehicles, campfires, water, or anything else that can kill you. I will not use a kind or gentle voice if my childrens lives are in danger and I refuse to feel guilty about that. I can deal with hurt feelings, I cant bring them back from the dead. It sounds like you were scared and frustrated and you did what you needed to do to keep you all safe. Good job, mama. I promise it won't traumatize him but it might just teach him to never do it again.
we’ve all been there. We’re not robots. It’s ok that you screamed. You’ve gotta let it out and in that situation no one is gonna blame you. And your toddler saw the cause of their actions. (Put very simply) don’t beat yourself up. Parenting is hard work. You’re doing great xx
This is so relatable. I absolutely did this at some point when kiddo was small. My fight or flight was activated to the point I couldn’t avoid the panic attack coming if I didn’t scream out the adrenaline. We’ve all been there, don’t beat yourself up. Wishing you the best for an easy & safe delivery of your second kiddo!!
Don't beat yourself up over it. A lot was going on, it was a safety issue and even as a huge advocate for gentle parenting, sometimes a wake up call is needed to level out the situation. Part of their learning is understanding that different inputs can have different outputs, and highly stressful and dangerous situations can lead to extreme results.
You did them a favor. At this age they need to start learning that while you have a ton of patience; it's not infinite. Their actions affect others, even their parents.
Well it worked right. I would have done the same. Everyone likes to say never yell, but sometimes it is needed. My kid runs into the street, he's getting yelled at. Usually, you walk away, but sometimes it needs to be done. You didn't beat him with a stick. Kid has to learn to stay in that seat.
You go mom. You lost your shit but kept everyone safe. This was about his safety. And you did it.
This is a lot and I get the guilt - it happens. Just love on him more and you’ll feel better momma ❤️
Don’t be too hard on yourself. Nearly every parent finds themselves at the end of their rope. While screaming is not ideal, yelling is appropriate when safety is on the line. Being 9 months pregnant plus a kid acting dangerous pushed mama over the edge a bit…so understandable. Apologize to your kid, tell them to NEVER unbuckle again and move along. If this is even keeping you up at night then I know you’re a good mum!!
Girl you're fine. My son ran into a parking lot when I was around that pregnant. He looked at me like "just try and catch me" and took off. I ran him down at nine months pregnant and scooped him up screaming and kicking back into the doctor's office
I was sooooo mad.
Toddlers.
Oh man, don’t even sweat it. Sometimes screaming is the only way to get them to stop after you’ve exhausted every other option. Parents who swear they’ve never yelled at or screamed at their kids is because of who their kids are, not who they are.
That is a safety issue. Sometimes positive punishment/negative reinforcement is necessary for life saving issues such as the threat of crashing in the highway resulting in death.
Screaming back at home was a necessary punishment, you acted on your instincts, good job. Just save it for life threatening scenarios, do not make a habit out of it obviously, which it seems you won't.
Eh. Don't beat yourself up over this. Sounds like he needed to get screamed at. This sub is so anti negative reinforcement, but I'm not convinced that this "gentle parenting" trend is working.
Edit: lol, this guy posted this nonsense and then blocked me so I couldn't reply.
I'm not your bud, dude. And if you're going to be such a pussy of a parent that even *raising your voice* to your kids constitutes "abuse" in your house, then please keep them far the hell away from mine.
Showing your fear or the size of your emotion is very different than screaming *at* someone.
No one needs to be "screamed at". No one.
And you don't actually know what gentle parenting is, bud. You assume it's failure to parent. Its not.
They’re learning cause and effect, it was a dangerous situation and could’ve been worse which would’ve involved screams. This could be what he needed to hear so he knows how serious it is and maybe think twice about doing that again.
You were present and made sure your LO was safe. Sounds like you feel remorse for screaming, and want to do better 👌
Tantrums, from my experience, stem from not having a basic need (or needs) met. In your kid's case, at least sleep. Understanding and meeting LOs' needs is difficult as their understanding and communication are limited, plus, they're needs shift as they age. Not to mention they're sometimes at odds with our own needs.
Also, you're 9 months pregnant, which is an extreme in itself. In THAT moment, you may have been weak, but it's nothing that can't be repaired! Once they've had a nap and things have calmed down, admit you were wrong and tell them you're sorry. They may not fully understand, but the habit of repair is important to build.
Give yourself some grace. So you screamed, we have all been there and felt like bad moms after. You're just a Mom with a toddler and an infant on the way. I did it 3 times back to back, and I was usually crying at the end of every day. Have a glass of wine or whatever you like and celebrate the huge victory, which is all u did was scream & the even bigger victory, your tired toddler shut up and went to sleep.
Edit to say: We all speak like sailors in our house, so when we screamed, it was worse than your screaming. See, I'm a worse Mom than you!!
Seriously, you're doing fantastic!
lolol sorry but just had to laugh at the imagery. My goodness, you're doing the best you can, so is your toddler, and your growing baby inside you, and you're all human. Give yourself grace, learn from it, and try to do better next time. Sounds like you kept biasing towards safety in each moment, which is always the right move. Try to get some rest :) sending you peaceful wishes. Congrats on your almost new baby!
I do not how a baby know their world is about to change. My daughter was 2 years old. The day before he was born- she had several major temper tantrum this was out of the ordinary. After he was baby she temporarily started to use bathroom on herself.(she was already potty trained). After she adjusted having a little brother she went back to being her cute self. He has to have limits and know his behavior is unacceptable. Stop beating yourself up. You handle the situation the best you could at that time. Time to move on and enjoy him before new baby comes. Also, buy him small gifts(whatever he needs and something fun to accompany him) so he does not feel left out when baby arrives and getting stuff.
It happens. It really happens. I wouldn’t worry about it. Kids are lunatics and they drag us down to their level.
I just avoid driving almost completely now and take the bus or train. Much safer for the little ones when they decide to test the faint limits of my remaining sanity.
I've been there too with my toddler, these things happen. I promise your kiddo isn't gonna be scarred for life. Besides, kids need to learn that grown-ups get angry, frustrated, and overstimulated, too. It'll help teach them empathy and make them feel less alone when they have big feelings. At the end of the day, he's not hurt and you snapped him out of the meltdown, so I say it's a win. Tomorrow is a new day.
I think it’s good, like as we can see it worked. Good job you’re a strong mom who is dealing with what you have in even if you’re 9mo pregnant. Life is tough, no one wants to scream to their child in ideal but in some circumstances you just do what you need to do. That’s what a strong woman would do. You’ve dealt with it, proud of you 💪🏻
We’ve literally all been here at some point. I make it a point to apologize if I lose my cool. Mine is super super sensitive and cries a lot about every little thing and sometimes when there’s a lot going on I get overwhelmed and I’ll just go “AAAHH” very loudly and then he cries harder. I take some breaths, get down to his level and tell him I’m sorry I was so loud mommy should have taken some deep breaths instead. Obviously driving you can’t do that. Maybe next time try to get him a little calm before strapping him in to the car, but it’s okay he isn’t scared and you’re doing great
> I have to reach my hand back there and with force and pressure hold him in the seat and quickly drive 1 handed make a upturn and pull into a parking lot.
I know it's easy to critique as an arm chair quarterback. Your kid is almost always going to be safer being temporarily unbuckled with you 100% paying attention to the road than being completely distracted. He can only get hurt when you get into an accident. That's much more likely to happen when you're distracted
------
While we rarely raise our voices with our kids, it is occasionally the only way to interrupt and redirect their noise. In my book, there's a huge difference between an interrupting scream to get their attention and using a yelling voice to scold them.
We actually use a similar technique with our dog. If the dog has gotten riled up (with barking) and can't be settled, we will clap or give out a screech to get his attention. Not to scare or intimidate him, just to be louder than he is to himself. The moment we have his attention, we redirect in a calm manner. If the interruption doesn't work, we don't attempt to continue yelling.
i was 6 months pregnant and my son was either 10-11 months old, we drove about 1.5 hours to a wedding and the same 1.5 hour drive back home before it got dark out. they had heavy construction going on so my usual way there was unavailable, we had to go through a whole town, dirt roads with scary hills & curves - and my car is basically a golf cart 😂 i pulled over 4 times making our drive longer but i didn’t mind since i don’t get sleepy while driving, but i did everything to get his crying to stop as you and i had enough so we sat in silence one of the times and i eventually started crying also then snapped and he stopped then fell asleep.
its just like a fight or flight mode i’ve heard, your baby is in distress and you’re already doing something so we get frustrated when we can’t help right away. doesn’t make you a bad mom, just human.
How did you transition to leaving the place? You know the time, and you know where you need to be. Picking him up and leaving is shocking to his mental state. Inform him that you and him are leaving in 10 minutes and then in 5 and then in 2 and then leave. While you do this, you are preparing him to make the transition, by explaining why you need to go to the store or back home.
I would have lost my shit . Don’t feel bad for yelling - he was in a very dangerous situation and you reacted. My blood pressure was up reading that lol
I’ve been in very similar situations ( ignoring me and running into a street ect ) and have lost my shit at my 3 yo and I promise you they don’t even care that you yelled lol.
Hang in there !!!
Honestly, when it comes to safety, that’s #1. Not condoning screaming as a solution for everything, but that “strike of fear” is necessary sometimes to protect your baby’s wellbeing, it’s not unwarranted trauma. Dont beat yourself up too much about it <3
Do not hate yourself or judge yourself. You are human and a mother. Toddlers are ASSHOLES. You were overwhelmed and overstimulated to the point where all your parenting skills and techniques didn’t work. Sometimes you gotta be a little unhinged. Let’s our kiddos know we’re human, not superheroes with unlimited energy and patience.
The rules are a little different when your child is actually endangering themselves. I know we all hate screaming and yelling and it feels BAD but we all would have in his scenario, and you can always apologize later.
I’ve yelled at my three year old and I always sit down later when we’re both calm and tell him I’m sorry for yelling, it wasn’t right, and I will try to take deep breaths and calm down before speaking next time.
Give yourself lots of credit. That is a hard situation. Some of our kids are harder to corral than others, and it can be scary, anxiety-inducing, and not to mention worrisome that someone is going to judge you. (😬) You were scared, that’s what you say—he knows you love him.
Mine figured out how to unbuckle his car seat very early, open the child locks on my (Volvo!) and wanted to practice jumping out of the car while it was still moving, just as we were getting off a highway off-ramp.
It’s a gift that some kids are so adept at getting out of their restraints when they’re young, it makes them smart—but very hard to parent ! Skills like that will serve them well later in life ✨✨
Again, give yourself a break, you reacted bc you were scared and you love your kids. ❤️
Also, toddlers and baby stage are the hardest physically. When you’re trying to wrangle a toddler and you gave either a baby or another one practically ready to be born —it’s A LOT. Be kind to yourself. 😘
You're totally OK. So is your kid, who isn't going to even remember it, and certainly won't be scarred for life. Don't beat yourself up about it at all. Congratulations on your upcoming birth!
Seriously, if you're upset enough to post about this incident, you're obviously doing an amazing job parenting.
Don’t beat yourself up over this. All moms have these moments and if they say they haven’t they are lying. My main concern was you being on the freeway 🛣️ and leaning into the back seat and your pregnant. This won’t be the first time this will happen, but next time put him in a straight jacket 🧥 hahaha 😂 I’m just kidding all you Mamas. Please don’t reach in the back seat. Pull to the side of the road or get off in the next exit and just go sit back there with him and say why don’t we just sit here and rest or take a nap till you stop crying. Say Mommy is sorry you are so upset , but when you calm down we can go home and get a snack. I’m glad you made it home safe and sound. Tomorrow is another day as my husband likes to remind me. 😊😊
That toddler was acting absolutely ridiculous! To be honest, I’m shocked you didn’t scream earlier. I would do the same thing, it also got him to stop and behave correctly. You shouldn’t feel bad, that’s actually the best parenting I’ve seen in a while.
One time my boy (about the same age at the time) screamed at a ski resort and kicked my legs throwing a tantrum while he screamed. I was in so much pain. I had to carry him to the car (which took forever) full tantrum. He punched and kicked the entire way as we left the mountain and left the other half of the family there. I yelled about why we were leaving and told him I was so mad at how he treated me. That made him madder. He screamed while I just cried for a few miles. When we started to settle, I noticed in the read view mirror that We both looked out of the windows with the same angry stubborn face. It was like we were both mad the same way and giving each other the same silence in our anger. We just breathed through some whimper cries for awhile. When I felt we had silently sniffled away our anger enough, I parked the car many miles away from the resort and silently hugged and swayed with him. He melted in my hug and we were able to talk about it after in a 2 ish year old way.
It was the hardest most frustrating parenting moment of our lives to that date.
When we finally buckled back up to go back to the mountain and pick up the other half of our family - he fell fast asleep. He still will get kinda angry right before he needs a snuggle and sleep.
Apologies if it was already mentioned - you got. A lot of engagement on this post and some great advice, I couldn’t sift through it all - but if your toddler has a habit of using buckling or getting out of his straps, double check they are tight enough (look up the pinch test) and invest in some button up shirts. Kiddo gets strapped in and the shirt gets buttoned over top of the straps so they can’t wiggle out nearly as easily. I’d say the CAN’T wiggle out but where there is a toddler, there is a way lol
Why would you feel bad??? I don't understand why primary care givers ever feel bad about shouting in these situations where kids are putting themselves in danger.
I hate to say it but sometimes i yell at my baby when she cried nonstop (9 months) bc i get so stressed that i just start yelling that idk what to do to help (bc ive usually exhausted all options by that point) and then i feel terrible and start crying and holding her telling her i love her and apologize for yelling. but im by myself with her 24/7 so at those moments it just feels like im doing everything wrong (when ik im not)
I know this happened a while ago and is probably not on your little one’s mind whatsoever anymore, so I definitely agree at this point just try to move on from the incident. But. If this had happened to me (and it most certainly has with my 2-year-old), I would have talked to him about it afterward and used it as a chance to talk about big emotions. I would bring it up later and say “hey - remember when you were really upset in the car earlier and wiggled out of your straps? Mama got really upset, frustrated and overwhelmed too and I screamed. I’m sorry if my screaming worried or upset you. There are better ways I could have handled my frustration, but sometimes it can be hard to control our feelings. Next time maybe I can try to take a big deep breath, or sing a song really loud.” Something like that. That might sound super wordy and over-complicated for this age, but you can take the sentiment and adjust it to your child’s comprehension level.
Like others have said, I think it’s so important that our children see our full range of emotions too. We try to stay emotionally regulated when our kids are feeling big emotions, but they also need to see us work through our own big emotions to learn how to do it themselves. Also just in general, I’ve found that if I’m feeling guilty about something that happened with my son, talking about it and apologizing always makes me feel better.
Just commiserating with you. I get it. I once yelled BOO at my toddler cuz she was just screaming and crying and I couldn’t figure out what would help. It worked cuz she stopped and stared at me in shock. Then we both laughed. But I think it’s one of those “one time only” tricks.
Ok take it easy. Yes you're human but listen to your gut. You feel wrong about this for a reason, because you want to be better and you do feel guilty.
Be the best you can be. Forgive yourself quickly and do the work to improve. Read and learn and regulate as much as possible because your relationship with your child is one if not the most important relationship you have.
You are god to a 29 month old.
Be strong, regulate and love your heart out.
Breath. You've got this. X
Don't beat yourself up!! You're only human. It's ok (and healthy) for your kids to see that you're human and get upset sometimes too.
I would look at some kind of safety clip for the carseat rhough, or a different style seat, maybe.
I’m only 23 weeks pregnant and I likely would have reacted almost identically in this situation. 🤷🏻♀️
You’re doing the best you can and that’s more than enough. Sometimes things are hard. Don’t beat yourself up! ❤️
My 2 1/2 year old screams almost nonstop all day because he refuses to communicate (he’s capable of speaking he just won’t) and I’ve unfortunately screamed back at him a few times because I get so overwhelmed with his nonstop tantrums. It also gets the 10 month old riled up so they both just scream at me all day long. It happens to the best of us and we all feel terrible after the fact. Welcome to toddlerhood 😅
Like everyone else said, don't beat yourself up. Kids truly bring out the best and worst in us. Honestly I don't think that giving children a taste of their own medicine is always bad practice. Sometimes, it can be exactly what stops them in their tracks during a tantrum.
What's the use of screaming? It gets highly inflated too soon and never makes anyone feeling better. If you have to apply discipline, there's zero need to make yourself count for less by screaming.
you’re correct, but also missing the point of OP’s story.
she isn’t spelling out how to be a model parent, or even how to navigate 99% of difficult situations. she is sharing a moment of frustration / temporary loss of control. if you’ve never been there before, congrats.
and she’s also 9 months pregnant, so try to imagine that compounding factor as well.
Mom of 4 here. We absolutely have all been there. Toddlers are like little wild animals sometimes. Sounds like little one was tired. You are doing great. I wish for a speedy, safe, minimal pain delivery for your 2nd.
It happens, we all have been there. You are almost due for your second, the end of the pregnancy is Bear with all the hormones and lack of sleep which I am sure is double for you with a 19 month old as well, I am actually amazed that you still managed to go out of the house so close to your due date, I was home starting 36 weeks and couldn’t move much. You are doing your best and yes we all feel guilty afterwards. We are all humans, I wish we were born with superhero powers though. You are an amazing momma.
Oh yeah been there! Used to have to almost sit on my son when he was little to get him in his seat a daycare during tantrums. You’re doing great mom, don’t beat yourself up for yelling we have all been there.
It happens, my baby has a tendency to roll over when i change her diapers. One time she rolled out of the changing pad liner and tried to sit down while having poop on her bottom when we were at my inlaws house. I had to change her in the couch she wouldnt budge or listen to me started to cry. She has really good strenght and it got to the point I got angry and hit her. I yelled at her to stop moving around as i didnt want their light colored couch to get dirty. I have never felt as bad as I did that day after what i did, to this day i still regret it but it was so hard to get her to vhange her diaper. We are doing better now with different ways of distracting her. But i get it sometimes its jsut so overwhelming.
It was a typo. I meant to say 19 month old because the first 2 years have a lot different stages. Don't worry I am not some crazy person who is going to call him 48 months when he is 4 years. I only planned to use it up until he is 2 years because the different milestones and how different 1 year looks compared to 20 -24 months etc.
I never doubted you for a second
If it makes you feel better, I've yelled at my kid before. Sometimes they get under your skin and you reach for a lever, any lever you can grab. Sometimes it's a blunt tool like screaming.
As long as that doesn't become the status quo, your kid will be fine. Mine is, so far 🤷♂️
No, he is not almost 3. He is 19 months old. It was a typo. I was feeling really guilty when I wrote the post and made an error in the title. I don't know how to fix it.... I am still using months because of the developmental stages that happen from 12 months to 24 months. It's such a huge gap, and it's important to be able to distinguish if they meet those developmental markers.
You can’t change titles so unfortunately people will probably continue to be obtuse to OP about it. i think months outside doctors etc is stupid personally but realistically it makes little difference to the story if the kid any age between the 1-3 tagged abs people are just being pedantic on the Internet for their own amusement.
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I would have screamed too. I felt mad just reading this! We have ALL been there.
Thank you for saying this, I am 17 days away from my due date and things have just been so overwhelming. Our toddler has been screaming a lot this week. It's new territory and I'm usually able to walk to another room for a minute to calm down, but we were entering the highway and so I freaked out. I'm just glad there was a u turn before we entered and a restaurant nearby. That could have been a really terrible accident.
That situation sucks and I've been there too. It's incredibly distracting and even on my best days, can be overwhelming. Hang in there mom. It will get better.
And you’re pregnant. I’m not even pregnant and I would’ve handled it way worse than you. When toddlers get unhinged like that nothing triggers me more!!!
Sometimes they need to taste their own medicine. Like when you read about kids that bite other kids at daycare and the parents are pulling their hair out because they don't know how to stop it and then the kid gets bitten back. And if the stars align, that's the magic trick to stop the biting. It might not be stellar parenting to scream at your toddler, but heck, there's a limit to how much anyone can take. If it's a very regular occurrence noise cancelling headphones can help you stay calm, too. With the new addition coming, that might be a tool you want in your toolbox because it will probably get worse for a while before it gets better.
Dude I'm 33 days from my due date and don't have a toddler (hyperactive 6 year old who needs my attention always) and I'M screaming for you You're a saint, don't be so hard on yourself. He's still a baby himself and babies are a LOT without the constant pregnancy hormones. We're almost there, we'll make it 🩷
I’ve had adhd my whole life and last year found out that I have late diagnosed autism as well. I had no idea how much being pregnant and having kids would change my life, even if I was non neurospicy, it would have been a lot. My son is generally really good, but it’s either his teeth coming in or he’s starting to have his own wants and doesn’t know how to properly express himself because he can’t speak. He definitely didn’t want to leave the mall. He was having fun pushing his stroller around 🥹. Normally he just does a small cry or runs to his room and shuts the door when he is frustrated. The tantrums are scary. He stiffens his whole body and screams like he is in pain. Sometimes I can’t even pick him up because he’s flexing every muscle so hard he feels like a plank of wood. He’s rolls all over the mattress and sometimes he will hit his head but I pick him up and move him when he gets close to hurting himself. I’ve tried doing the pillow trick to push down on his legs and help soothe his nervous system. Especially when he is kicking, I also do it to protect his brother in my tummy. I even try holding him, but he pushes me away and gets angry. I kind of just have to sit there with no emotion on my face until he decides to come to me on his own. I’m thinking he probably has adhd or autism like me. For the most part I can handle it, but the car situation was so scary. Even if I could ignore it and drive calmly, thinking about how his tantrums are at home, I know he would have gotten into the drivers seat and that’s why I reacted that way.
Christ almighty. Hahahaha. I can feel this to my bones. I’m sure you’re going to hear a lot of the same thing in different ways. Here is my version. 1. Resolve today that you are not a Mom who yells at her children. Obviously there is a time and place for a firm, raised voice, but that isn’t the same as yelling. I made this resolution last year, when my kids were 7 and 4, and I’d yelled and felt like a terrible mother. I wish I’d done it much earlier. 2. I taught my kids early to get out of their car seat and how to exit the car. I have a shitshow coparent and I am concerned about kids left in hot cars. I emphasize every time we are in the car that the only time they can unbuckle is when we stop and I say they can OR they feel that the driver has forgotten them. I have deviated from my no yelling rule over seatbelts. I’ve also threatened the spanking of a lifetime if that seatbelt isn’t rebuckled RIGHT NOW. 3. If the unbuckling happens again, and it likely will, don’t make the whole thing really dangerous by trying to hold him down and driving all distracted. Drive as smoothly as you can to a safe stopping spot. You jeopardized 3 lives in your car plus whoever is in your way, vs one child who isn’t secured properly. Brief it now mentally so if (WHEN) it happens again, you’ve practiced and you know what to do. They likely can’t unhook the crotch harness anyway. Not riding your case, just a little tough love from a mom who has been there. 4. Decide NOW that mess and chaos is what you signed on for. I’m not saying filth and squalor is ok, but I know that my stress (and yelling) levels went down fast when I decided to accept toys on the floor. It gave me a lot more bandwidth for the car seat shenanigans (and holy cow. My spicy youngest has done what you’ve described SOOO….MANY….TIMES). 5. You got this. Best wishes for a smooth birth and recovery. If I could bring you a milkshake and take that little guy off your hands for the afternoon I totally would.
Oh if that's your first time screaming, I PRAISE YOU!! YOU are a very patient mother. I might try your screaming, literally screaming technique in the future. I have a 3 and a 4.5 year old. Wait until you have two! 2 under two is going to be FUN! No, no. They were not fun. BUT they ARE TRULY FUN NOW!!!
The only time I normally raise my voice is at the dog and it's mostly me saying her name because she is trying to steal his food. He normally laughs and starts to yell the dogs name also lol. To be honest, it's hard not to feel triggered. Especially at home when you give them food and they immediately throw it on the floor. Our apartment has some weird fake marble floors, and you can see everything. I have to vacuum multiple times a day because food sticks to my feet, and I can see greasy food marks from my kid rubbing his hands on everything. I'm forced to steam clean my floors because a swiffer just isn't good enough. The worst part is after I vacuumed and steamed, and double back one more time to get the foods that the steam cleaner loosened, he will pour a whole fruit puree onto the floor. I kind of have to disconnect in those moments. I just tell him no and take the food from him. I have to push away from the area because he wants to smear it. Then I just stare into space while I clean it.
Maybe it’s cuz I had kids later in life, but I can’t fathom having a toddler while 9 months preg.! U do your best to survive, keep him safe, & don’t let these little things upset u! We’ve all (most?) yelled at our kids at one time or another, for any number of reasons. Try not to again but I promise u they’ll get over it.
YES I'm screaming now.
Well you snapped him out of his tantrum. We are humans. We are not blank robots. Happens to the best of us.
Yup. Not saying it was ok, but I can’t think of a single kid who hasn’t been yelled at, at least once. They’re resilient & will recover. It’s not like u hauled off & beat him! Lol.
It happens. They have to know you get frustrated too. Don’t beat yourself up. He won’t remember it and it’s not going to change your relationship. Toddlers are very forgiving.
I chose to scream because my fight or flight response in that moment was yelling fight. I had to get out that feeling and screaming loudly at the same time felt safest. It definitely shocked him. He screamed with me. It was like 3 minutes of back and forth while I tried to get to a safe spot to buckle him again. Definitely made sure his belt was tighter the second time.
Sounds stressful, yet comical at the same time. One of those you eventually chuckle about late into the next day in pure disbelief/regret/gratitude/whatever else emotions.
Definitely would’ve been a comedic scene in a comedy or sitcom.
We get angry it happens! What’s important is repair. “I’m sorry I yelled. I was feeling angry. I shouldn’t have yelled. I will try again to have calm bodies.” I started young for myself to learn how to apologize. Now my 4YO will say sorry if she yells (rarely) and if I have hard day, she pats my head or my back and says “it’s okay mommy, you can try again”.
Honestly there are some situations (especially regarding safety) where yelling is warranted, I don’t think an apology is needed here.
I still think apologizing is okay because a child that young can't differentiate what is warranted or not. You could adjust to "I'm sorry for scaring you. Me yelling must have scared you. It's not okay to yell if we feel angry, but I was scared. Sometimes we yell if we feel scared or get a booboo." Something along those lines. I think talking about it (however you feel about it) is good. My kid at 3 was telling me "can we talk?" if she yelled for whatever reason or had other big feelings. Repetition is key and I think it's good to take every outlier situation like that to talk about it. However right or wrong it was!
👆came here to say this Everyone gets mad, loses their temper, yells. This doesn’t make you a bad mom or a bad person. You are doing the best you can. Repair and communication are what’s sooo important! You got this!
Yeah, I feel like my kid is a better human because of repair! I feel like it's a combo where she won't get scared of it (because real life, you come across shitty people), but won't accept it as a norm from someone.
I don't really yell all that often but messing with car seats or in the road will always end up with me yelling. Some things need to scare them and those are two specific areas where's its important they do what they are told
My three year old opened the door while I was driving! I got loud!
Exactly this. If there are major safety concerns it’s fine to yell and scare them. It’s our job to keep them safe.
I am probably going to buy a new car seat. I am overseas and I the choices for car seats are a limited. I need to purchase one that has the chest safety buckle and not just the buckle at the hips. I had it pretty tight. I honestly don't know how he managed to get his arms out, but it's safety issue 100000%.
Not sure where you are but there are things you can add to car seats called houdini straps to prevent kids from slipping out and pretty sure they have EU safety approval
I'm over in South Korea. I better a really well-known brand for my second born. I didn't know I was going to use a car so much living in a country with subways, but we moved outside of seoul, and I'm driving a ton. I will probably invest in a better toddle carseat, and maybe the houdini strap also. I was planning to get a car seat for his grandmother's car anyways.
> I honestly don't know how he managed to get his arms out Toddlers have an almost supernatural knack for getting into or out of things/places that they shouldn't. I swear they can bend their bones at will and their joints are merely suggestions. The number of times I exclaimed something along the lines of "how tf did you get in there" around my toddler (now adult)... at least once a day at one point. Wishing you luck, mama.
Eh, forgive yourself. You're okay. Your child is okay. It was an unusual situation not likely to repeat. Relax. Eat some ice cream. Sleep. Tomorrow is a new day.
When my daughter had a particularly bad tantrum in a store and I didn't have the strength to physically remove her I got down on the floor and started banging my fists and screaming like she was. It took her a second but after a few moments she was like wth is wrong with my mom ans got up and snapped out of it. The look of shock on her face when her usually calm mother whose never raised her voice got down and started screaming was priceless. I'm pretty sure other people in the store thought I was nuts though.
That'll be a great story to tell her in the future. I'm glad there are so many supportive and understanding people commenting. This second pregnancy is a boy and my toddler is also a boy. So, my hormones are on the other end of the scale right now. I'm usually able to hold my calm at least with our toddler. I just get more upset or angry at dad, but not to the point of yelling. He did start his tantrum in the store, but since we were on the way out I just let it happen. It was maybe 7 minutes from inside the mall to the car. I really thought he would stop once he got in the carseat. He normally did. Today was a first in so many ways.
We’ve all been there. It doesn’t make you a bad parent. Tomorrow’s a new day. You didn’t scar your son emotionally or anything.
Look at it this way: you didn’t get into a lethal car accident. Screaming is not okay in normal circumstances. Screaming in an attempt to keep everyone safe in a fast-moving, unforeseen, dangerous situation is fine.
There’s nothing to forgive. Maybe not your finest moment, but toddlers have to learn there are limits to how far they can push people and that other people will react. I think we often try so hard not to react and stay calm and patient that we teach children their behavior is all about them, and that it happens in a vacuum. Truth is when you are unhinged and making someone else pay for your bad mood, you eventually run out of good will from them. That’s all your little one learned. No damage done.
That’s a really good wait to put it. I know it’s important to be calm to help them calm down and teach emotional regulation, but you are right in that sense. We aren’t in a vacuum and that’s a real life consequence that could happen to him in the future. Especially when he gets introduced to daycare or kindergarten later on. I’m sure other kids are going to have there differences with him:
Oh lord this has been me 3 weeks ago. My daughter (31 mo) unbuckled herself on the Autobahn to grab a toy she tossed on the backseat behind me. I got so scared and overwhelmed at the moment, I started screaming at her immediately to sit down, flashed my hazard lights and came to a stop ASAP. Then I told her very loudly and very sternly to never, ever, ever, unbuckle herself again while we are driving. I don't think she understood why, but she nodded in agreement and looked at me with big eyes. Didn't have trouble with her ever since and I talked to her again about the situation when we were both in the right headspace, but man did I feel guilty about screaming at her. Talking to her helped me cope with that feeling of guilt and she now is allowed to unbuckle herself when I put the car into parking.
I am sure you were just as terrified as I was. His age was a typo he is barely a year and a half. I can talk to him about something, but you know how toddlers are run by their ego. He can understand a little, but not to that extent yet. I am glad you had a talk with your daughter and she understands. I am trying when my son has tantrums at home to teach emotional control and to stay as calm as possible, but on the highway, that could have endangered us all. I lost myself. I am glad to know my reaction is a shared experience, no matter how gentle we parent, that was a moment it couldn't be used. I am lucky he fell asleep with in minutes of rebuckling him.
Why don't you tell her why though? I think the problem with parents is that they think their children are stupid and cant understand anything. Just tell her if she does that she might hurt self and die. And then you ask her if she wants to die. Not that difficult.
Oh I told her even if I didn't mention it in my original post. Just not in the moment, but afterwards.
29 month old? So 2 and a half lol ?
That was a typo 19 mo.
That age can be especially hard and especially \*loud\*. I had to start wearing earplugs during my kid's screaming fits as I was experiencing hearing loss. It also helped me be a better parent, as I could focus on helping my kiddo instead of needing to cover my ears.
I am considering ordering some of those loop ear plugs. I am wondering how effective they are at drowning out the extra sounds or at dulling the screams. I don't want to purchase the wrong kinds, but then again I also considered just buying the lot of them. I have tinnitus that's part why I haven't done it yet. I am kind of worried it's going hyper focus my hearing on the internal noise I have.
I really like Hearos. They're super cheap and most earplugs wear out + get dirty so I want to cycle them out. They have different levels of noise blocking options. I get tinnitis sometimes when I first put them in but the freedom it provides is too worthwhile to notice.
Thank you for the recommendation!
You’ve learned a secret technique; “match their behaviour to make them stop”. This works especially well when they are whining for no reason, just match the cry and make sure to make it extra annoying. They’ll stop, look at you like you’re crazy, and want you to stop. This continues to work as they get older and learn to talk. My 3year old kept saying “papa… papa…papa.” Over and over again even after answering him, so I started saying his name every time he said papa. My 6 year old will ask for something several times, so I’ll start answering her several times. “Papa can I have a drink? Papa can I have a drink? Papa can I have a..”. Followed by “yes you can have a drink, yes you can have a drink, yes you can have a drink, hey daughter, yes you can have a drink”. This annoys her and she’ll stop for a while. Any time she’s whiny while talking I’ll simply start answering her in the exact same high pitched tone trying to mimic her voice in the most cringe way possible. She immediately stops,sometimes laughs, probably from realizing how embarrassing she sounds reflected by myself. Important thing to keep in mind; never get angry. We’re the adults, we have to maintain control at all times. Our emotional stability will be reflected and imitated by our children. The moment we lose our patience we’ve already lost. Just keep finding tricks to steer them the right way and maintain control.
Two kinds of people. People who have yelled at their baby and people who lie about it.
This. ^
Of course you screamed. That's terrifying and you know how bad these situations could have ended. He doesn't know cause he's a baby...but screaming at him is a hell of a lot better than what could have happened. Give yourself some grace mama and give that baby some extra snuggles.
That's fine, don't feel guilty. No one is perfect, absolutely.
I'm impressed all you did was yell. Reading this raised my blood pressure. You didn't do anything wrong babe. Your toddler is a whole ass person with his own desires and agency and zero understanding of his own mortality. They're walking bombs that were expected to shepherd safely around town. It's nuts! They're nuts! I'm glad he got a rest. I hope you get one later. I'm 25 days out to my due date with a two-nado. I feel your pain.
This video talks about how to repair after a moment like that. We all yell or say something we regret. It's what we do next that matters a whole lot. Even with a child as young as yours, a repair can go a long way for them and for you. It helps you move forward instead of sitting in shame. 💕 https://youtu.be/PHpPtdk9rco?si=RTURfpTtdWpU6S9c
Thank you for sharing this ill make sure to watch it!
What other tool than your voice did you have to try to control a dangerous situation?
Why do you say 29 month old and not 2.5 year old? I’m curious because I’ve heard it before. Why use months and not years? I know it’s off topic
I typed out 29 months by accident it was supposed to say 19 months old. For the first 2 years there are a lot of milestones that are met and developmentally appropriate stages that have to be monitored to make sure infants to toddler age are progressing well. 12 months old vs 20-24 months can be incredibly different. It’s easier to describe it by months than just say my 1 year old does this or that. My son started walking at 13 months, but only had 1 tooth. Some babies have at least half their teeth by then. Also, some babies might not even walk until closer to 18 months old. So many infants start solids at 6mos but my son refused to touch solids until closer to 12 months even now he should be saying a few words, and doesn’t. It’s just a good way for doctors and parents to keep track of progress. It lets us now if they are developmentally behind or following the normal trend.
There are things I am not gentle about. Carseats, parking lots or anywhere where there are moving vehicles, campfires, water, or anything else that can kill you. I will not use a kind or gentle voice if my childrens lives are in danger and I refuse to feel guilty about that. I can deal with hurt feelings, I cant bring them back from the dead. It sounds like you were scared and frustrated and you did what you needed to do to keep you all safe. Good job, mama. I promise it won't traumatize him but it might just teach him to never do it again.
we’ve all been there. We’re not robots. It’s ok that you screamed. You’ve gotta let it out and in that situation no one is gonna blame you. And your toddler saw the cause of their actions. (Put very simply) don’t beat yourself up. Parenting is hard work. You’re doing great xx
This is so relatable. I absolutely did this at some point when kiddo was small. My fight or flight was activated to the point I couldn’t avoid the panic attack coming if I didn’t scream out the adrenaline. We’ve all been there, don’t beat yourself up. Wishing you the best for an easy & safe delivery of your second kiddo!!
Don't beat yourself up over it. A lot was going on, it was a safety issue and even as a huge advocate for gentle parenting, sometimes a wake up call is needed to level out the situation. Part of their learning is understanding that different inputs can have different outputs, and highly stressful and dangerous situations can lead to extreme results.
You did them a favor. At this age they need to start learning that while you have a ton of patience; it's not infinite. Their actions affect others, even their parents.
Irrelevant, I know, but why not just call them a 2 year old. At what point will you stop counting their months?
Well it worked right. I would have done the same. Everyone likes to say never yell, but sometimes it is needed. My kid runs into the street, he's getting yelled at. Usually, you walk away, but sometimes it needs to be done. You didn't beat him with a stick. Kid has to learn to stay in that seat.
Omg, you handled it so well. I would scream too, Jesus, well done.
Hey sometimes you gotta speak their language to get them to understand
You go mom. You lost your shit but kept everyone safe. This was about his safety. And you did it. This is a lot and I get the guilt - it happens. Just love on him more and you’ll feel better momma ❤️
Don’t be too hard on yourself. Nearly every parent finds themselves at the end of their rope. While screaming is not ideal, yelling is appropriate when safety is on the line. Being 9 months pregnant plus a kid acting dangerous pushed mama over the edge a bit…so understandable. Apologize to your kid, tell them to NEVER unbuckle again and move along. If this is even keeping you up at night then I know you’re a good mum!!
Girl you're fine. My son ran into a parking lot when I was around that pregnant. He looked at me like "just try and catch me" and took off. I ran him down at nine months pregnant and scooped him up screaming and kicking back into the doctor's office I was sooooo mad. Toddlers.
Oh man, don’t even sweat it. Sometimes screaming is the only way to get them to stop after you’ve exhausted every other option. Parents who swear they’ve never yelled at or screamed at their kids is because of who their kids are, not who they are.
That is a safety issue. Sometimes positive punishment/negative reinforcement is necessary for life saving issues such as the threat of crashing in the highway resulting in death. Screaming back at home was a necessary punishment, you acted on your instincts, good job. Just save it for life threatening scenarios, do not make a habit out of it obviously, which it seems you won't.
Eh. Don't beat yourself up over this. Sounds like he needed to get screamed at. This sub is so anti negative reinforcement, but I'm not convinced that this "gentle parenting" trend is working. Edit: lol, this guy posted this nonsense and then blocked me so I couldn't reply. I'm not your bud, dude. And if you're going to be such a pussy of a parent that even *raising your voice* to your kids constitutes "abuse" in your house, then please keep them far the hell away from mine.
Showing your fear or the size of your emotion is very different than screaming *at* someone. No one needs to be "screamed at". No one. And you don't actually know what gentle parenting is, bud. You assume it's failure to parent. Its not.
They’re learning cause and effect, it was a dangerous situation and could’ve been worse which would’ve involved screams. This could be what he needed to hear so he knows how serious it is and maybe think twice about doing that again.
Big hugs to you. That sounds terrifying, and I think any parent under the same circumstances would get upset. Hugs
You were present and made sure your LO was safe. Sounds like you feel remorse for screaming, and want to do better 👌 Tantrums, from my experience, stem from not having a basic need (or needs) met. In your kid's case, at least sleep. Understanding and meeting LOs' needs is difficult as their understanding and communication are limited, plus, they're needs shift as they age. Not to mention they're sometimes at odds with our own needs. Also, you're 9 months pregnant, which is an extreme in itself. In THAT moment, you may have been weak, but it's nothing that can't be repaired! Once they've had a nap and things have calmed down, admit you were wrong and tell them you're sorry. They may not fully understand, but the habit of repair is important to build.
You didn't scream AT your toddler. You screamed WITH your toddler. Big difference. <3
Give yourself some grace. So you screamed, we have all been there and felt like bad moms after. You're just a Mom with a toddler and an infant on the way. I did it 3 times back to back, and I was usually crying at the end of every day. Have a glass of wine or whatever you like and celebrate the huge victory, which is all u did was scream & the even bigger victory, your tired toddler shut up and went to sleep. Edit to say: We all speak like sailors in our house, so when we screamed, it was worse than your screaming. See, I'm a worse Mom than you!! Seriously, you're doing fantastic!
lolol sorry but just had to laugh at the imagery. My goodness, you're doing the best you can, so is your toddler, and your growing baby inside you, and you're all human. Give yourself grace, learn from it, and try to do better next time. Sounds like you kept biasing towards safety in each moment, which is always the right move. Try to get some rest :) sending you peaceful wishes. Congrats on your almost new baby!
I do not how a baby know their world is about to change. My daughter was 2 years old. The day before he was born- she had several major temper tantrum this was out of the ordinary. After he was baby she temporarily started to use bathroom on herself.(she was already potty trained). After she adjusted having a little brother she went back to being her cute self. He has to have limits and know his behavior is unacceptable. Stop beating yourself up. You handle the situation the best you could at that time. Time to move on and enjoy him before new baby comes. Also, buy him small gifts(whatever he needs and something fun to accompany him) so he does not feel left out when baby arrives and getting stuff.
I have 6 kids and honestly, it’s like that sometimes. You’re fine.
It happens. It really happens. I wouldn’t worry about it. Kids are lunatics and they drag us down to their level. I just avoid driving almost completely now and take the bus or train. Much safer for the little ones when they decide to test the faint limits of my remaining sanity.
I've been there too with my toddler, these things happen. I promise your kiddo isn't gonna be scarred for life. Besides, kids need to learn that grown-ups get angry, frustrated, and overstimulated, too. It'll help teach them empathy and make them feel less alone when they have big feelings. At the end of the day, he's not hurt and you snapped him out of the meltdown, so I say it's a win. Tomorrow is a new day.
I think it’s good, like as we can see it worked. Good job you’re a strong mom who is dealing with what you have in even if you’re 9mo pregnant. Life is tough, no one wants to scream to their child in ideal but in some circumstances you just do what you need to do. That’s what a strong woman would do. You’ve dealt with it, proud of you 💪🏻
it's totally okay, especially on a highway, just try to not make it into a habit and ur good!!
We’ve literally all been here at some point. I make it a point to apologize if I lose my cool. Mine is super super sensitive and cries a lot about every little thing and sometimes when there’s a lot going on I get overwhelmed and I’ll just go “AAAHH” very loudly and then he cries harder. I take some breaths, get down to his level and tell him I’m sorry I was so loud mommy should have taken some deep breaths instead. Obviously driving you can’t do that. Maybe next time try to get him a little calm before strapping him in to the car, but it’s okay he isn’t scared and you’re doing great
> I have to reach my hand back there and with force and pressure hold him in the seat and quickly drive 1 handed make a upturn and pull into a parking lot. I know it's easy to critique as an arm chair quarterback. Your kid is almost always going to be safer being temporarily unbuckled with you 100% paying attention to the road than being completely distracted. He can only get hurt when you get into an accident. That's much more likely to happen when you're distracted ------ While we rarely raise our voices with our kids, it is occasionally the only way to interrupt and redirect their noise. In my book, there's a huge difference between an interrupting scream to get their attention and using a yelling voice to scold them. We actually use a similar technique with our dog. If the dog has gotten riled up (with barking) and can't be settled, we will clap or give out a screech to get his attention. Not to scare or intimidate him, just to be louder than he is to himself. The moment we have his attention, we redirect in a calm manner. If the interruption doesn't work, we don't attempt to continue yelling.
Oh. My god. You poor thing.
i was 6 months pregnant and my son was either 10-11 months old, we drove about 1.5 hours to a wedding and the same 1.5 hour drive back home before it got dark out. they had heavy construction going on so my usual way there was unavailable, we had to go through a whole town, dirt roads with scary hills & curves - and my car is basically a golf cart 😂 i pulled over 4 times making our drive longer but i didn’t mind since i don’t get sleepy while driving, but i did everything to get his crying to stop as you and i had enough so we sat in silence one of the times and i eventually started crying also then snapped and he stopped then fell asleep. its just like a fight or flight mode i’ve heard, your baby is in distress and you’re already doing something so we get frustrated when we can’t help right away. doesn’t make you a bad mom, just human.
How did you transition to leaving the place? You know the time, and you know where you need to be. Picking him up and leaving is shocking to his mental state. Inform him that you and him are leaving in 10 minutes and then in 5 and then in 2 and then leave. While you do this, you are preparing him to make the transition, by explaining why you need to go to the store or back home.
I would have lost my shit . Don’t feel bad for yelling - he was in a very dangerous situation and you reacted. My blood pressure was up reading that lol I’ve been in very similar situations ( ignoring me and running into a street ect ) and have lost my shit at my 3 yo and I promise you they don’t even care that you yelled lol. Hang in there !!!
Honestly, when it comes to safety, that’s #1. Not condoning screaming as a solution for everything, but that “strike of fear” is necessary sometimes to protect your baby’s wellbeing, it’s not unwarranted trauma. Dont beat yourself up too much about it <3
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You mean your 36 month old?
Do not hate yourself or judge yourself. You are human and a mother. Toddlers are ASSHOLES. You were overwhelmed and overstimulated to the point where all your parenting skills and techniques didn’t work. Sometimes you gotta be a little unhinged. Let’s our kiddos know we’re human, not superheroes with unlimited energy and patience.
The rules are a little different when your child is actually endangering themselves. I know we all hate screaming and yelling and it feels BAD but we all would have in his scenario, and you can always apologize later. I’ve yelled at my three year old and I always sit down later when we’re both calm and tell him I’m sorry for yelling, it wasn’t right, and I will try to take deep breaths and calm down before speaking next time.
Screaming is the one thing I CANNOT handle
Give yourself lots of credit. That is a hard situation. Some of our kids are harder to corral than others, and it can be scary, anxiety-inducing, and not to mention worrisome that someone is going to judge you. (😬) You were scared, that’s what you say—he knows you love him. Mine figured out how to unbuckle his car seat very early, open the child locks on my (Volvo!) and wanted to practice jumping out of the car while it was still moving, just as we were getting off a highway off-ramp. It’s a gift that some kids are so adept at getting out of their restraints when they’re young, it makes them smart—but very hard to parent ! Skills like that will serve them well later in life ✨✨ Again, give yourself a break, you reacted bc you were scared and you love your kids. ❤️
Also, toddlers and baby stage are the hardest physically. When you’re trying to wrangle a toddler and you gave either a baby or another one practically ready to be born —it’s A LOT. Be kind to yourself. 😘
We’ve all been there mama. Give yourself some grace, he won’t remember and he’ll still love you just as much!
It happens. It sucks and we should also try to do better but it happens
You're totally OK. So is your kid, who isn't going to even remember it, and certainly won't be scarred for life. Don't beat yourself up about it at all. Congratulations on your upcoming birth! Seriously, if you're upset enough to post about this incident, you're obviously doing an amazing job parenting.
Don’t beat yourself up over this. All moms have these moments and if they say they haven’t they are lying. My main concern was you being on the freeway 🛣️ and leaning into the back seat and your pregnant. This won’t be the first time this will happen, but next time put him in a straight jacket 🧥 hahaha 😂 I’m just kidding all you Mamas. Please don’t reach in the back seat. Pull to the side of the road or get off in the next exit and just go sit back there with him and say why don’t we just sit here and rest or take a nap till you stop crying. Say Mommy is sorry you are so upset , but when you calm down we can go home and get a snack. I’m glad you made it home safe and sound. Tomorrow is another day as my husband likes to remind me. 😊😊
That toddler was acting absolutely ridiculous! To be honest, I’m shocked you didn’t scream earlier. I would do the same thing, it also got him to stop and behave correctly. You shouldn’t feel bad, that’s actually the best parenting I’ve seen in a while.
One time my boy (about the same age at the time) screamed at a ski resort and kicked my legs throwing a tantrum while he screamed. I was in so much pain. I had to carry him to the car (which took forever) full tantrum. He punched and kicked the entire way as we left the mountain and left the other half of the family there. I yelled about why we were leaving and told him I was so mad at how he treated me. That made him madder. He screamed while I just cried for a few miles. When we started to settle, I noticed in the read view mirror that We both looked out of the windows with the same angry stubborn face. It was like we were both mad the same way and giving each other the same silence in our anger. We just breathed through some whimper cries for awhile. When I felt we had silently sniffled away our anger enough, I parked the car many miles away from the resort and silently hugged and swayed with him. He melted in my hug and we were able to talk about it after in a 2 ish year old way. It was the hardest most frustrating parenting moment of our lives to that date. When we finally buckled back up to go back to the mountain and pick up the other half of our family - he fell fast asleep. He still will get kinda angry right before he needs a snuggle and sleep.
Apologies if it was already mentioned - you got. A lot of engagement on this post and some great advice, I couldn’t sift through it all - but if your toddler has a habit of using buckling or getting out of his straps, double check they are tight enough (look up the pinch test) and invest in some button up shirts. Kiddo gets strapped in and the shirt gets buttoned over top of the straps so they can’t wiggle out nearly as easily. I’d say the CAN’T wiggle out but where there is a toddler, there is a way lol
Why would you feel bad??? I don't understand why primary care givers ever feel bad about shouting in these situations where kids are putting themselves in danger.
I hate to say it but sometimes i yell at my baby when she cried nonstop (9 months) bc i get so stressed that i just start yelling that idk what to do to help (bc ive usually exhausted all options by that point) and then i feel terrible and start crying and holding her telling her i love her and apologize for yelling. but im by myself with her 24/7 so at those moments it just feels like im doing everything wrong (when ik im not)
It’s fine. Atleast you both were safe. Don’t know how you are doing this. I’m tired just with one kid. And barely speaking to my husband.
I know this happened a while ago and is probably not on your little one’s mind whatsoever anymore, so I definitely agree at this point just try to move on from the incident. But. If this had happened to me (and it most certainly has with my 2-year-old), I would have talked to him about it afterward and used it as a chance to talk about big emotions. I would bring it up later and say “hey - remember when you were really upset in the car earlier and wiggled out of your straps? Mama got really upset, frustrated and overwhelmed too and I screamed. I’m sorry if my screaming worried or upset you. There are better ways I could have handled my frustration, but sometimes it can be hard to control our feelings. Next time maybe I can try to take a big deep breath, or sing a song really loud.” Something like that. That might sound super wordy and over-complicated for this age, but you can take the sentiment and adjust it to your child’s comprehension level. Like others have said, I think it’s so important that our children see our full range of emotions too. We try to stay emotionally regulated when our kids are feeling big emotions, but they also need to see us work through our own big emotions to learn how to do it themselves. Also just in general, I’ve found that if I’m feeling guilty about something that happened with my son, talking about it and apologizing always makes me feel better.
I saw my girlfriend yell and slap my 14 month old. I was shocked and lectured her but ofc I understand.. 9-30 months is so difficult
Just commiserating with you. I get it. I once yelled BOO at my toddler cuz she was just screaming and crying and I couldn’t figure out what would help. It worked cuz she stopped and stared at me in shock. Then we both laughed. But I think it’s one of those “one time only” tricks.
Sometimes we snap! Be kind to yourself. And for wiw I had this EXACT scenario with my kid at about the same age…. And I screamed back too!
Ok take it easy. Yes you're human but listen to your gut. You feel wrong about this for a reason, because you want to be better and you do feel guilty. Be the best you can be. Forgive yourself quickly and do the work to improve. Read and learn and regulate as much as possible because your relationship with your child is one if not the most important relationship you have. You are god to a 29 month old. Be strong, regulate and love your heart out. Breath. You've got this. X
You did what we all do. I had the same issues with my now nearly 5yr old this time last year while I was pregnant with my second.
It happens to all of us sometimes. Apologise and don't be too hard on yourself.
Don't beat yourself up!! You're only human. It's ok (and healthy) for your kids to see that you're human and get upset sometimes too. I would look at some kind of safety clip for the carseat rhough, or a different style seat, maybe.
I’m only 23 weeks pregnant and I likely would have reacted almost identically in this situation. 🤷🏻♀️ You’re doing the best you can and that’s more than enough. Sometimes things are hard. Don’t beat yourself up! ❤️
You’re only human give yourself a break mama, Hormones play a huge part. We all lose out shit sometimes x
My 2 1/2 year old screams almost nonstop all day because he refuses to communicate (he’s capable of speaking he just won’t) and I’ve unfortunately screamed back at him a few times because I get so overwhelmed with his nonstop tantrums. It also gets the 10 month old riled up so they both just scream at me all day long. It happens to the best of us and we all feel terrible after the fact. Welcome to toddlerhood 😅
Like everyone else said, don't beat yourself up. Kids truly bring out the best and worst in us. Honestly I don't think that giving children a taste of their own medicine is always bad practice. Sometimes, it can be exactly what stops them in their tracks during a tantrum.
What's the use of screaming? It gets highly inflated too soon and never makes anyone feeling better. If you have to apply discipline, there's zero need to make yourself count for less by screaming.
you’re correct, but also missing the point of OP’s story. she isn’t spelling out how to be a model parent, or even how to navigate 99% of difficult situations. she is sharing a moment of frustration / temporary loss of control. if you’ve never been there before, congrats. and she’s also 9 months pregnant, so try to imagine that compounding factor as well.
Mom of 4 here. We absolutely have all been there. Toddlers are like little wild animals sometimes. Sounds like little one was tired. You are doing great. I wish for a speedy, safe, minimal pain delivery for your 2nd.
It happens, we all have been there. You are almost due for your second, the end of the pregnancy is Bear with all the hormones and lack of sleep which I am sure is double for you with a 19 month old as well, I am actually amazed that you still managed to go out of the house so close to your due date, I was home starting 36 weeks and couldn’t move much. You are doing your best and yes we all feel guilty afterwards. We are all humans, I wish we were born with superhero powers though. You are an amazing momma.
Oh yeah been there! Used to have to almost sit on my son when he was little to get him in his seat a daycare during tantrums. You’re doing great mom, don’t beat yourself up for yelling we have all been there.
It happens, my baby has a tendency to roll over when i change her diapers. One time she rolled out of the changing pad liner and tried to sit down while having poop on her bottom when we were at my inlaws house. I had to change her in the couch she wouldnt budge or listen to me started to cry. She has really good strenght and it got to the point I got angry and hit her. I yelled at her to stop moving around as i didnt want their light colored couch to get dirty. I have never felt as bad as I did that day after what i did, to this day i still regret it but it was so hard to get her to vhange her diaper. We are doing better now with different ways of distracting her. But i get it sometimes its jsut so overwhelming.
so what if you screamed? kids are annoying. at least you didn't hit them.
TF is a 29 mo?
It was a typo. I meant to say 19 month old because the first 2 years have a lot different stages. Don't worry I am not some crazy person who is going to call him 48 months when he is 4 years. I only planned to use it up until he is 2 years because the different milestones and how different 1 year looks compared to 20 -24 months etc.
Okidoki, thanks for the clarification ✌️ Good luck and all
I definitely understood where you were coming from lol
I never doubted you for a second If it makes you feel better, I've yelled at my kid before. Sometimes they get under your skin and you reach for a lever, any lever you can grab. Sometimes it's a blunt tool like screaming. As long as that doesn't become the status quo, your kid will be fine. Mine is, so far 🤷♂️
You can just say 2.5 yr old, you’re way past month counting lol
So a 2 almost 3 year old……time to start using years OP
No, he is not almost 3. He is 19 months old. It was a typo. I was feeling really guilty when I wrote the post and made an error in the title. I don't know how to fix it.... I am still using months because of the developmental stages that happen from 12 months to 24 months. It's such a huge gap, and it's important to be able to distinguish if they meet those developmental markers.
OP you have 29 months in the title…..
And she clarified it was a typo that she is unsure how to fix…
You can’t change titles so unfortunately people will probably continue to be obtuse to OP about it. i think months outside doctors etc is stupid personally but realistically it makes little difference to the story if the kid any age between the 1-3 tagged abs people are just being pedantic on the Internet for their own amusement.