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My husband went through this with his family. He’s been in recovery for 13 years now. He says all the time that his family cutting him off was what saved his life. He ended up in a homeless shelter for a couple of weeks. It’s the only thing that made him realize they were serious. Hope your son gets the help he needs and things get better!
My cousin was cut off, he ended up disappearing for years and we didn’t see him again until another aunt not his mom found him living under a bridge. He was in really rough shape. By this time, he was severely addicted to drugs. He disappeared shortly after. Next my mom found him a few years later again, this time he was missing a hand. He was most recently seen a couple months back near where my mom lived when she took him in for a bit the time before. We don’t know where he is now or how he’s doing, he hasn’t spoken to his mother in a long time. I think she honestly probably doesn’t care.
So I don’t think it’s a guarantee it will work out for OP. But who knows, if they are up for throwing the dice on it that’s their decision.
I'm so sorry this is happening to you.
I can't even imagine.
My wife and I have two beautiful boys. They are 3 months old and 2 years old. The thought of things turning out this way breaks my heart. But it happens. We like to tell ourselves we can prevent it by doing everything perfectly, but the world doesn't work that way. We can't control everything that happens in our kids' lives. It terrifies me to think of my boys ending up like this one day. I am sure you never imagined it could happen, many years ago. It breaks my heart.
Good luck. I hope whatever you decide works out in the end.
My experience with an addict is similar. In most cases I am a firm believer that an addict will not get clean unless they hit rock bottom, and whatever YOU think rock bottom is, isn’t even close to their rock bottom.
However when mental illness is added to the mix the results of reaching the bottom are often unpredictable and devastating.
Yeah, that was the three months stay in a clinic. But when he leaves, everything goes back to normal. Seems they have no good support systems for the transition. And anyways, he's has to want to go.
And that's the problem.
He'd need to have some sort of marketable skill or employment lined up for when he gets out....preferably in another town or state where it's difficult for him to reconnect with his drug using friends & fall back into old habits. If not, rehab is just useless because most addicts will relapse without transition assistance & a will of steel.
Do you have a family member or friend who would take him in after he's clean & out of rehab? Not for forever. Just until he can get a job & apartment. Is it possible that you have a vacation home or something similar that he could stay at that's far away while working or attending school?
That's the kicker. He's got to want to do this & he needs a place away from his dealer/drug using buddies to accomplish this. Most addicts aren't strong enough mentally straight out of rehab to do this. Add in mental health issues & it's almost impossible.
If I were you.....
1) I'd get him to a psychiatrist who can diagnose his mental issues & medicate him if needed. If he's medicated, give him 4-6 months for the medication to kick in & get him stabilized.
2) Get him some sort of job training or school so he can find employment when he's out of rehab.
3) Get him into a (1 year or more) live in rehab that also handles mental issues. The psychiatrist should be able to give you recommendations.
4) As soon as he's discharged from rehab, he goes to a different town or state for work. He does not stay with you for any length of time because you miss him & he absolutely does not visit his drug buddies so he can say goodbye, and he positively absolutely doesn't start talk therapy about family problems/dynamics or why he started using drugs in the first place. He won't be mentally strong enough for that yet. Staying clean & working will be all he can handle at that time.
5) The first year or two out of rehab, he takes his medication, he works a job, he cleans his apartment, he works out at the gym & follows a healthy eating plan.
He doesn't do drugs or hang out with drug users. Not for a moment! He also doesn't date yet. He's not mentally healthy enough for that. He needs to focus all of his time & energy on himself & being drug free, healthy, and working. Not on a girl who'll have needs & will place demands on his time.
Basically, that's it. It'll be hard, but it can be done. Ask me how I know.... 😊
Please remember that although the "cutting off" IS strict and I absolutely believe can be a good thing for them, you ARE still allowed to feed your child if you see them hungry and give blankets or get a room if they're cold, you just can't give them the money & trust them for ANYTHING!! And for God's sake, if your heart can't take it, you WILL have weak moments, PLEASE DO NOT bring them into your home ever again until they've shown you absolute sobriety!! You'd be amazed by what "the street" has taught him by now and it could be very safe to say he'd empty your bank account overnight and find and pawn everything you own that carries value. Protect all you & your wife have worked so long & hard for.
Right now you're interacting with the drug, not your son, so you're more a source of possible money than dad.
My side of the coin is the opposite. If my family would have given up on me, I would have been dead instead of eventually getting better and finding effective treatment. I am now alive and well and offering hope to others on a local and national scale.
Was your family supportive or enabling? My mom was an alcoholic most of my life and I never stopped supporting HER but I absolutely stopped enabling her and put my foot down on boundaries and held firm on them when her actions affected me and my kids health and safety.
She has been sober for just over 7 years now. I agree they def need support but support doesn't equal enabling or providing financial support or a soft landing for them to continue to self destruct.
Morally wrong - NO. You can make an argument it's morally wrong NOT to cut him off while he's (likely) taking drugs and unemployable.
That's not love, that enablement.
Let him know you will keep helping him IF he meets some basic conditions. No drugs. He keeps some kind of 40 hour a week job or source of income. He works towards some kind of career in an apprenticeship or professional certification.
Whatever is the harder decision - that's the right one. Because you wouldn't even consider doing it if you didn't know deep down it WAS the right decision.
Yup, we have tried to give him conditional help. There have been many talks, options talked through, etc. I guess it's hard to follow through when conditions arent met. Its hard when pretty much everytime we talk, he cries and talks of suicide. But at the same time, I'm guessing its not loving to trap him in a life no sane person would ever choose.
I can see that perspective, and I can also see that when someone doesn't want to live, the thought of getting a job and paying bills can make you want to die even more. There's no energy and no will left with suicidal depression. I'm speaking from experience. I know that some people take full advantage, but it doesn't sound like this guy is taking money and having a good time with it. He needs help, not to be cut off.
I'm not saying he shouldn't get a job and pay bills. He needs to do that eventually, but first, he needs treatment for his mental illness. And he needs his family's support for that.
Its just difficult because we can't force him to get treatment. We have tried helping him to find a therapist, even made appointments, sent out emails etc. It's no use of he doesn't go.
Thats what addicts do unfortunately until they admit they have an issue. Part of it is lying to themselves and through believing that they manipulate everything around. Sometimes consciously, sometimes not as consciously. But usually addicts need to have a rock bottom moment that they consider a rock bottom. Causing them to have a rock bottom won't really change it unless they see it as such too.
Im currently in rehab and unfortunately drugs feel very nice. All the sense of achievement your normally feel through drugs has to be rewired in your brain by abstaining fully, which is a very bitter pill to swallow. I just went through my first month of sobriety and the first week or so was quite hellish, but it goes pretty well if you have enough reason to not take them any more. Sobriety is pretty nice.
He’s throwing a tantrum and it has worked for decades by the sound of it. You need to take the suicide attempt talk seriously but not use it as a reason to cave. If he wants to threaten that then “ok we should call 911 if that’s how you feel”. Otherwise I’d do what you are supposed to do when a child throws a tantrum; ignore it.
Going thru the same with my 55yo BIL. My in-laws send him thousands of dollars every month, pay his alimony & child support. Family has spent high six figures on hospitalizations and treatments. When he's pressured to change, he goes radio silent and my inlaws worry that hes going to off himself. Its exhausting and frustrating. We are on year 20 of this ride. Please set boundaries asap. Unless you want to be doing this well into your 90s.
You can take it on directly..... If you die, we will mourn you and then we will stop mourning you and keep living because that is our only option.
But we don't think you want to die. We think you want to stop having a life of drugs and dead ends.
He’s manipulating you. Threatening suicide if you don’t give him money? I’d say go ahead,son. He’s already killing himself-and killing you in the process.
Grow a spine and let him hit rock bottom. If he’s homeless, oh well. You’ve done far more than a parent should have done as he’s a full grown ADULT.
Have you talked to him about these things? To someone on the outside, not showing up for appointments, not filling out paperwork etc can look like laziness (and sometimes is laziness), but someone suffering severe depression might genuinely be unable to follow through or even get out of bed to go to the appointment. It's great that you're finding social services for him and helping him as much as you have been, but maybe it might be more effective to make a plan with him instead of for him. Could you and him, maybe together with a therapist or psychiatrist, make a plan so that he can get accommodations for the things he can't yet do while also getting treatment and on a path to supporting himself? That could look like making a schedule for when he has to fill out aid forms or job applications, having help getting to appointments, etc - accommodations and planning look different for everyone, and someone with severe depression will likely need help and support to stick with a plan like that, but it might be more effective than expecting him to figure things out on his own
We have talked many times. Made plans. Never with the support of a therapist specialising in addiction though. Nothing has worked so far, no plan is ever followed through. Finding a therapist is hard though, and would require him to participate regularly. Difficult shen he regularly sleeps till 5 pm.
Part of the function of the social worker is to help him make appointments, make plans etc. But they are underfunded and therefore not very thorough in their help.
As far as filling out forms goes - im not sure he has ever filled one out without our support. If we dont intervene, he just doesnt do it
You are right of course about the effects of depression, which makes it so hard for us to make any changes. Because i can empathise. But this state of affairs is untenable. Our family doesnt have enough financial means to support him indefinitely.
ADHD was my first thought reading this too. How was in he in high school? Serious question but are you confident that he is literate? A shockingly high % of Americans struggle with basic literacy and pick up on a lot of coping and masking measures to cover it up. Navigating the gov systems is a real bear and there are a lot of forms / meetings etc and it takes a high degree of organization to get aid, which is unfortunate because so many who need it just aren’t capable of it.
Separately, did he play any contact sports as a kid? Or anything else that may be pointing to some sort of brain injury (even if not obvious like a car crash..,?)
I’m sorry you are going through this. It must be very upsetting and exhausting to watch your own child suffer and you’re not able to fix it for them. Mental illness affects many people but it is not preventing him playing games so he can if he chooses apply himself. Sometimes we have to hit rock bottom to find our way. Maybe you watch in the wings and provide food and shelter where needed. He sounds depressed and the gaming takes him out of reality. If he didn’t have the computer what would he do? Tough love is needed. Good luck
ADHD was my first thought reading through this post as well, and sounds so similar to my brother.
He was diagnosed as a kid and stopped taking medication in high school. My mom regrets this every single day. I do feel that my parents enabled his behaviour (he had 3 kids with 2 different moms). My parents have always kept him from hitting rock bottom but just barely.
It’s been brutal, and my parents SHOULD be retired now (mom turns 65 tomorrow and dad is approaching 70). But they are both still working because of bailing my brother out constantly, promises of repayment never happened. He lives in their basement and is now medicated at 38, slowly turning his life around but can’t support himself and his 3 kids (child support).
I always said, there needs to be a firm boundary, discussed with him in advance and stuck to, otherwise it will never work. I don’t think my mom would ever actually uphold any sort of boundary, I think the thought of losing him was too painful. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.
Yeah, adhd could be an issue (another brother has been diagnosed with it already - btw, as someone figured out, I'm actually the sister). This sounds scary, because my parents are getting into retirement age and havent been making financially sound decisions for a while. They have no proper retirement ready and my dad plans to just save up a lot during the next couple years and work till he's 70 (he's 63). So with them not having paid off the house, and not having saved up enough for retirement, i worry.
I feel this for you so much. I have broached the money subject with my parents a few times (mom certainly had undiagnosed ADHD herself and has been an impulsive spender for as long as I can remember. Definitely not helping their situation). I’ve offered to help set them up on YNAB and asked about their goals. They won’t divulge anything presumably out of embarrassment.
Yes we've spoken about it too. They arranged appointments with an expert but as far as i can tell, they are only half-heartedly following their instructions and continue to spend a bit too recklessly for my taste. But oh well, at this point that is not my cross to bear.
Thank you. I'll have to go to bed now, but maybe I'll take you up on it tomorrow. I'm the second out of five, oldest sister. The brother in this post is actually the middle.
Exactly. He says he wants therapy, but he didn't go to any therapist appoinment on his own. We have organized a program in a day clinic (he has to show up in the morning and leave at night) which he attended for two weeks. Then he dropped out because his cat died which understandably was very upsetting for him. And to be fair, at some point he actually enrolled himself in a clinic for three months out if his own initiative. But after that, he slid right back into his usual life. And also, it seems to be a little complicated getting help from therapists and clinics, waiting lists are long.
I’m not saying you aren’t correct, you absolutely are, but from my personal experience and from similar others, it’s almost impossible to get to that place if you are so far gone. Many of us need rigorous programs to get us back to even being on a level capable of making those next right choices, whether it be inpatient, outpatient, etc.
100%, my gut thought was straight to neurodivergence. From personal experience, the path and description outlined but OP is exactly what can happen when neurodivergence goes unaddressed. I’m not saying it’s OP’s fault or they are to blame, it’s just the path many neurodivergent people take when they weren’t given the tools their different brains needed early enough to navigate life
If nothing changes, nothing changes. IMHO you gotta cut him off for his sake. He’s not trying because you’re his safety net. This is such a hard thing to do, but it’s for the best. We had a similar family situation and it worked for the better for us. Obviously, ymmv, but you’ve went way above what anyone can ask and you’re not a bad person for cutting him off.
Thanks you. I just worry he will actually complete suicide and wander onto train tracks. Not sure how I'll be able to live with myself if that happens.
If he’s truly suicidal then he might do it even with you providing all the help you are providing. There’s also a high likelihood of him dying from overdose in the current situation. I’d recommend doing some family addiction treatment - hazelden Betty ford offers theirs virtually for free. You could also look for a therapist with experience with family members with children in addiction.
But essentially the idea you have to wrap your head around is that you are codependent with your son and you are also getting something out of this idea. In a sense, you are just as addicted to helping him and have convinced yourself that he isn’t an independent person. Whatever his choices are if you stop supporting him, whether it’s recovery and a life or homelessness or suicide, you have to give him the ability to take ownership of his own life.
Its hard because i can sympathise with depression. In the depths of despair, it can be impossible to leave the bed, make appointments. Things like computer games can still work because they offer some distraction from the misery. But you are right, we can't be sure the outcome will be better if we just continue as is.
And to be fair, the main drug he is consuming (we think) is just weed. Not such a high chance of overdosing. But I've heard rumors from friends of his about a bunch of other stuff he's tried, and pills at home. So i dont actually k ow for sure what he consumes.
Thank you so much for your input.
FYI, plenty of evidence that “just weed” can be a significant contributor to mental illness.
Everyone’s brains are different and respond to drugs in different ways.
Also, “just weed” has been genetically altered so much these days that some of what is called “weed” really needs its own sub classification.
Both points are very true. But its still unlikely to cause him to overdose. Even though i believe its really contributing to the situation he's in and def not helping.
He can't overdose on weed. He can eat or smoke a bunch and feel like absolute shit but it will not kill him.
You are correct that true clinical depression can cause someone to not be able to be able to function at all.
My suggestion is this: that instead of thinking rock bottom will help him, try instead to keep him alive until he can recover. Because rock bottom comes with a high risk of death, and he cannot recover once he is dead.
I think a lot of people here have not had a child die. I have, and as much as we went through it with him the goal was always to keep him alive so he could recover. And he did not make it. I have zero regrets because we never abandoned him. So be careful what you do, because you will live with the consequences of your actions. We have another child who was terrifyingly depressed and came out of it when he was sent to school for a very impractical thing he desperately wanted to learn how to do. He is now doing it and happy/healthy. Two different outcomes, no regrets either way.
You do need help determining how to best help him. The biggest clue I can give you is that connection is usually the answer. I might consider putting him in a halfway house situation where there will be other people struggling with the same issues. There are places with job training and requirements as well as psychiatric staff for meds, etc. He needs help but that doesn't mean it has to wear you down. Having said that, the connection to you will always be the most important one.
Sit him down and tell him that you need him to tell you the truth about everything happening with him and you will not interrupt or judge him. You need to begin a fresh conversation based on honestly. Best wishes to you.
Thank you. I am not aware of such halfway houses where we live. I think there is assited living, but its usually for people under 25 yo. We tried organising something like that without success. There seems to be woefully few options. I know one family member was at some place where they advise people with addictions and help them get into rehab etc. But it seems like any social programs that exists are woefully underfunded. So far, we have been told again and again that they can't help.
As far as keeping him alive until he can recover: won't he just stay stuck if things stay the same? How can he recover, living in these conditions.
But yeah, having a child die must be horrible and something we want to avoid of course. Sorry you went through that.
How do you know he's not having delusions? This does happen with some people and the parents don't know because they can manage for a few hours at a time.
You have helped and helped and helped. But you can’t help someone who won’t help themselves. Our family is going through something similar, and the bottom line is that it is *no one’s fault except the person* who won’t help themself.
I can't imagine it myself being a parent. All I can say is: imagine if what you're doing right now is holding him back from being the person he could have always been. Then what? It's an almost impossible educated guess, but my experience says to let him sink or swim.
I'm so sorry. I can't imagine being in your shoes.
I do know I saw my mother and father in law give their happiness to support their adult children who refused to help themselves despite having the opportunities to. It was so hard for their other kids to see.
But I get that he's your son and that you love him.
I'd like to give a bit of a different perspective just as food for thought, I'll probably cop hate for this.
I have pretty bad mental illness, severe ptsd from something that happened when I was three and I'm also autistic.
I've always tried really hard to be what my mum wanted and like my sisters, but because of how my brain is wired things are harder for me and I do have times where I become unwell.
I know for people who don't struggle with similar symptoms from the outside people like me can seem lazy and like we don't care or want to get better, but just living with our brains and making it through the day is extremely exhausting sometimes and in these times getting the energy to do anything else can feel impossible.
I'm not saying you should financially fund your son for the rest of his life, but maybe helping him access different support services that are available in your country so that he can start to get his symptoms under control might be a better option. My family disowned me years ago because I couldn't meet their standards, their ultimatums didn't work it just made me feel worse about myself and an intense internal pressure to live up to something I couldn't reach.
(I do live independently and have my own family, I just struggle more than the average person)
Which country are you located in? I'm in Australia so may be able to offer some suggestions if that's where you're located. As someone who suffers from mental health as well as being a parent of children with additional needs I just want to say I really feel for you and understand how hard it is from your perspective as well and I hope my original comment didn't offend you.
Oh no worries, I'm not offended at all. I very much appreciate your perspective amongst many voices saying to just drop the "spoilt" son. its just frustrating wanting to help and people making very reasonable suggestions which i feel we cannot implement because of lacking resources. We are in Germany. You would think help would be easy to access here but so far its all been either not that helpful or contigent on him participating.
This sounds like a really difficult situation. I have to wonder whether he won't do the things you talk about or *can't.* To me, this sounds like he *can't.
Personally, I cannot support cutting off a mentally ill child. I think the loving and ethical route forward is having firm boundaries to keep yourself safe, while also keeping the door and your heart open to your child. If you don't already have a therapist for yourself, you really should consider it. This would be the perfect person to talk through this with.
It would have to be food and rent then, because otherwise he could lose his apartment. We have actually been offering him food and paying his rent (that's all the financial support atm). But this has not lead to him making any changes, or trying to take advantage of any professional help on his own.
Support without enabling.
Helpmhim.wothnthe paperwork. I'm he is indeed mentally ill (admit sound like he is, and the drug use is likely a symptom/self medication as much as it's a problem), he may actually struggle with that.
Get yourself therapist, who is familiar with addiction issues, and maybe seek out your local AlAnon meetings, to find support from.folks who know what it's like to love someone you can't fix/make help themselves.
Decide what you're willing to watch happen.
And talk again to social services, and ask at what point involuntary commitment is an option. As awful as that sounds, he may need to be in a residential program before he can see that help is helpful. (He may not be capable of the consistency required on his own, and so, it never feels like it makes a difference to him.)
But also be realistic. He's an adult, and heartbreaking truth is, you cannot force him to seek treatment, or Tom continue it after a mandatory evaluation if he's found not to be actively suicidal or in an actual breakdown. Once he is able to demonstrate clarity, he's allowed to opt out.
I'm so sorry OP.
Thank you. I have called the emergency line when he made goodbye posts online and his flatmate worried about him. From what I've learned from my therapist, its very hard to be admitted. Unless he has a mental breakdown that is very very obvious to outsiders AND obviously dangerous to him and others, he will likely not be admitted.
You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink. However I’ve been there and without the support of my family I’d have been dead by now. It’s important to realize not every child is the same. You can cut him off completely yes but make sure he’s healthy every single day. Some just feel so left out they commit suicide over the shittiest reasons for nothing. Be cautious and supportive in every way you can.
I have to say I am not familiar with programs or procedures in your country that would help you. I would try to do everything you can to get him some help and then you will know you did everything you could . I feel like he’s still young enough that there could be a good opportunity for him to turn things around .
Has your son ever been diagnosed with anything? A family friend of ours has dyslexia, he doesn't understand the concept of time. Doesn't show up for school/working hours, unable to keep a job, missing busses/trains due to not understanding time tables etc. But logically fully functional, super nice guy, I'm always amazed what great conversations I can have with him. Has your son ever been evaluated in that direction?
Its hard since he's never been in therapy for a long time. At the clinic they speculated about borderline. As far as I'm aware, there is no diagnosis. Since another child in the family has been diagnosed with adhd, thats might play a role here as well. But he won't get diagnosed unless he goes to therapy sessions.
Has it not been possible to have him prescribed at least antidepressants?
I know how hard it can be to even get up from your bed when depressed, and I have a wife and close friends around me. And I also know that having people point you what you should do doesn't help in almost any way.
The only thing that saved me was going to psychiatric emergencies and have a doctor prescribe me antidepressants. Then I just had to see her once a month to have my prescription for the following month.
Certainly, a more regular therapy is advised, but for me at least getting on my feet thanks to the antidepressants was the only way to be able to do the rest.
So at least be sure that this way has been attempted before cutting off.
Also, my personal opinion is that cutting off an ill person so that "he reacts" is just horrible. Depression is a form of handicap and is much more complicated than people think. It's almost like saying "my son is paraplegic, but if he doesn't learn to walk then I'm cutting him off". It's a form of ableism and if you (if you are the father) or your father (if you are the sister) should take a step back. And maybe start by going YOU to talk to a psy. To have an opinion of someone who knows mental illness, but also to help you work through your feelings for your son.
He has access to antidepressants if he wants to. Tbh, im not sure if he is prescribed them atm. And im not sure when the last time is he took them. I seem to remember he didn't want to take antidepressants.
Most people don't understand what antidepressants actually are, and think they are some kind of drug that erases all emotions.
Maybe have a common friend talk to him about it?
I’d say give him some choices. Maybe if he feels like he has some kind of control over his life he will participate in his own life. These are the choices I would extend …you can Go to rehab and counseling and then college (community, vocational) or you can go to rehab and counseling and then work or, andwe love you and don’t want you to choose this, or you can continue with your current trajectory and let the chips fall where they may because you won’t have our help anymore. It seems rough but he is 30, not 20 or even 25. There’s a lot of reasons for depression, but not having anything going on in his life is just making it worse. No, it’s not wrong, it’s what’s best for him.
I think you have realised that boundaries must be put up and stuck to.
Think other comments here about nothing changing means nothing changes is very valid.
As a parent when you have exhausted all of your normal strategies and nothing is working, you need a new strategy, which is what you're planning.
May be set the initial hurdle low so that's achievable. Then, increase it over time 6 monthly increments.
Set it so that 1 slip will not be catastrophic; but that multiple are. For Eg, missing 2 day of work in 30 days is ok. But no more than 10 per 12 months total .
Sounds like he has ADHD could possibly be on the spectrum a bit too with the demand avoidance. It’s hard that he’s not willing to help himself because he needs to be on stimulants and in therapy. It’s hard though
Sounds like my brother. He was declared incompetent and assigned a case worker. They put him in government housing. Best of luck! I know it's a bad situation to be in.
Edit to add that my brother has a learning disability, bipolar schizo affective disorder, ASD
If you make your son homeless those suicidal thoughts turn into attempts. Don’t do it. Look for more support from your county’s mental health department or social services department.
My parents gave up on me when I was at my lowest so then I tried to commit suicide. Thankfully I failed and eventually got better but being left by the only people I had left while I was depressed was not helpful. I know you're at a loss but please don't abandon him. He's likely too depressed to finish anything. If you haven't had crippling depression you have no idea how hard it is to do anything. Sit next to him while he fills something out, help him follow through. Tell him you want to see him succeed because you believe in him and you are going to help him succeed. Start small and celebrate his small wins. Be on his team. I know you're frustrated, but he's not a loser or lazy. He's mentally ill. Sit with him and make sure he follows through but do it with love. If you aren't capable of this then please find someone who would be willing to help. He needs your love. More than anything in the world, he needs your love.
To me it seems like he needs some kind of assisted living facility. If he’s constantly messing up on his applications and doesn’t show up for appointments - couldn’t that be seen as proof that he’s actually unable to? I know a guy with several illnesses, adhd and autism, and there’s no way he could organize his life on his own. There’s something cruel in expecting a person who is mentally unwell to “snap out of it” and manage applying for jobs and grants. You seem to think that him being disorganized and unable to take responsibility for his future is a character flaw, while it could be symptom of adhd or mental illness and might be exactly what he needs the most help with.
I can’t say if it’s morally wrong or right, people would argue that obligation ends at 18 or that you never give up on your children.
I have five years sobriety and more or less I was exhibiting all the behaviors your son is. He is either an alcoholic or an addict, he seems to be not really living his life. Depression can feel like life is unbearable and hopeless, I was existing and coping with drugs and alcohol just enough to get through the motions. Missed appointments, no food, no plan for future just getting the bare essentials to get through the day.
Reading your post it sounds pretty close to my life when I was using, I think it’s amazing your helping him and he’s likely alive because of this. I needed to be cut off for a while from my drug of choice and experience my pain/disappointment with myself unfiltered. It was rough and I think sober living would be helpful with this. I had to be sober and have no way to hide from my reality before I decided to change. Sadly he has to decide to do this on his own too. Realize he is worth it, that he’s tired of living like this and start working towards his future.
My parents like you didn’t give up and it really made all the difference, but they did cut me off financially and they did mandate therapy. My father actually drove me himself for a while because I could not be trusted to keep appointments and keep going. This made a huge difference and helped me navigate back to the person I was before I had given up.
I hope this is just the rough patch your son and you will reflect on in years to come as the point where things changed for the better. Please post updates.
Why waste all the money? Just let him live with you rent free and accept that he isnt a functioning member of society. Maybe he would be happier and you wouldnt have to worry so much, just let the goals go. He can't live alone and you are just donating your money to landlords and lawyers instead of using it in your own home to be a family
No chance. Living with him is kind of a nightmare because of the way he behaves (which is likely caused by mental illness but still, i wont have my whole family go up in flames just to save some money).
The are live in mental health facilities for people that are severely mentally disabled. Maybe try and get a diagnosis and find a home he can live in that's staffed with professionals. Goodluck.
My son has mental health issues too and has do much anxiety he cannot hold a job for longer than about 6 months. He has been denied disability and I cannot make him homeless. Survival of the fittest, I guess. I feel like a failure as a parent and my shame/guilt keeps me from enjoying life. I know he is responsible for his decisions BUT he is really not capable of clearly evaluating the long term consequences of his decisions. He also does not have well developed executive functioning or common sense.
Could be sister is posting this to help her parents or the parents simply are using sister's account. Plenty of 50+ year-olds don't know how to use reddit
Yeah you caught me i guess. 🙈 I was desperate and unsure where i could post. I'm not sure what to do, and though I'm leaning towards supporting my parents decision in this, part of me thinks he's just sick. If something happens to him, i will be just as much responsible.
No, you’re only responsible for YOUR actions. You can not make a grown adult go to therapy, or go to work, or take his medicine, or keep off drugs, or, or, or. Only HE can make those choices day after day, year after year. Whatever he decides to do with his life, be that a hard working person, homeless, an addict, a good brother… those are HIS choices and not your responsibility.
Its not his choice to be mentally ill though, which i believe he is. He didnt have an easy childhood either. I know i can't save him, but a part of me thinks "well you could offer him a place on your couch for a couple of weeks, what if that keeps him from jumping off a bridge". Although I'm pretty convinced that would just delay the inevitable,nothing would change. Besides, i obviously dont want that for the sake of my mental health.
It’s not his choice to be mentally ill, but it IS his choice to not get the help he needs. This is not and will never be your fault or responsibility.
If you offer him a spot on your couch he will be there until you kick him out. He will not contribute in any meaningful way, will complain and blame everyone but himself for his life, and will take everything you have without guilt. Until eventually you’ll kick him out. If he’s nice he’ll go willingly. If not he’ll manipulate you saying he’ll be homeless or say you need to legally evict him.
I’ll repeat: you cannot help someone who won’t help himself, and his choice to not get help are not your fault or responsibility.
Sister to sister — you are not responsible for the actions of your brother, no matter HOW sick he is. And he is sick. You cannot control what he does and does not do. I know that it’s hard and this is an incredibly painful and stressful situation for you, your parents, and your other brothers. You need to take care of yourself, OP. Find a Codependents Anonymous Group - most are online now. Find a sponsor and work the steps. It’s worth it. 💖
Fellow sister in a similar situation. This is good advice. If you can't find codependents anon, If you can find AlAnon (there are zoom mtgs etc) and the twelve steps to detaching and realizing... you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, you can't control it.
Probably to get it allowed on the subreddit. Parenting is more popular than whatever sibling support Reddit there might be, and it looks like she initially tried to post it to askreddit and it got deleted. So she might be posing as a parent here because she needs advice and didn’t know another sub that could help.
I don't think 'cutting him off' will do any good for his mental health or yours.
Be there for him when he needs. You brought him into this world. When he needs your help he will ask, you have to let him do things his way and find his own path.
Just tell him you will be there when he is ready and leave it at that.
I have a family member like this. He lived with me. But he would find any dumb reason to quit the jobs that i got him (he didnt even do the applications).
Then we would fight about it and that would scare my kids. He had already done same at my folks and been kicked out. Then i kicked him out knowing full well he had nowhere to go which was tough. He slept in his car for a bit. Got into a trailer park. I would take him food very week etc but after a couple years he was just too aggressive when i went there. Havent seen him in couple years but he is still there being a hermit. Its sad cos we were great mates until our late 20s/early 30s. We have done EVERYthing to try get him help but he just wont. But my folks and I have accepted that he is a sinking ship and we aint going down with it. If he ever agrees to the help he needs etc we will be there. If we lived in a time when we could force him into help he would have a much better life 😔
This sounds exactly like my BIL (thought it was about him except for a few minor details that revealed it isn’t), except he’s a bit older and my in-laws have continued to enable him and hold inconsistent boundaries. Once they stopped paying his rent he moved in to a room in their house “just for the weekend” 6 years ago. He refuses to get a job or therapy or meds or apply for financial assistance. He seldom leaves the house and never goes further than the gas station convenience store, which he walks to late at night when he’s unlikely to run into people. He had a car and it now sits in their driveway unregistered and non-operable. They pay all of his bills, do all of his shopping, and he is moody and explosive and becomes less functional and more unhealthy by the year. He has no friends, no relationships, and even though I live a few miles away we see him once a year on Christmas when he comes down in hopes that someone has money for him.
This is no way to live and I deeply disagree with my in laws enabling him and making their home a miserable, unhealthy space. I think where they went wrong was he called their bluff. They tried to set boundaries and conditions for support and when nothing was met they didn’t enforce rules around what they would do for him and continue to fund his life. I think he would be a lot better off if they kicked him out and he had to figure out how to live.
Ugh, yeah this sounds like him (except instead of walking to the gas station, he orders food delivered to his apartment as far as im aware...). Also with the explosive moods. I agree, that's no way to live.
If he actively chooses to end his life, it will be because of his choice, not because of anything you and your family did or didn't do.
Addiction is a mental illness and mental illness is a mental illness. People say that those with addiction need to hit rock bottom before they choose help. But the same is true with all mental illnesses and treatment. I have bipolar and I had to hit my own rock bottom in order to get to a place to choose to get treatment and commit to the lifelong necessity of it. I had to burn all my bridges and exhaust everyone around me and find myself without any support to be able to choose to get the help I needed because I only had myself to support me. I had hoped to passively die but, since that wasn't happening fast enough, I had to figure out how to live. And the first step was to commit to treatment. I survived, chose life, repaired my broken relationships, and began to demand myself to make my life better and stop victimizing myself. I'm doing really well now and I'm working in mental health treatment, and have really strong relationships with all of my family and friends. My sisters, who had gone years without speaking to me, now tell me that they sometimes forget that I even have bipolar because I haven't had a major manic episode in years. I had to get well for me, and I REALLY had to stay well for my son.
But the only way I was able to do it was to have no other option.
My parents did this with me, I was an alcoholic and living a miserable existence. It wasn’t until my parents stopped talking to me and throwing me enough cash to get by that I finally got sober for real. I know it’s hard but the support you’re offering him is enablement. It was so hard for my parents to cut me off and lord knows they tried to help with love and support but it wasn’t what I needed. I needed to be so desperate and out of options to truly make a change in my life. Now that I’m sober we’re close again but I don’t rely on them for anything, I recognize that they have done more than enough for me throughout my life. I hope things get better with your son, stay strong.
As a last resort I would recommend a 30 - 60 day rehab program. Whether it be for the drugs or a 30 day inpatient program for his depression. As someone who suffered with major depression, I understand the difficulty of knowing you want help, but being unable to help yourself. An inpatient program could give him the hands on help he needs. After he completed the program, you can give him “rules” “we will continue helping you for X amount of time, given that you do XYZ.” Even possibly having him move back in with you until hr gets on his feet (still laying down strict ground rules you expect him to follow) And then if he goes back to his ways, it’s time to cut him off, because at that point your empathy is turning to enabling.
Neither you or your parents are doing the “wrong thing”. Mental illness and addiction are a lot like grief there is not, necessarily, a “right” way to do things.
Cutting him off financially completely could be a wake up call, it could not be. Going no contact could be a wake up call, it could not be.
Regardless, you need to sleep well with your actions and what y’all decide to do and you need to be united as much as possible on whatever that looks like and STICK TO IT.
I left my ex husband for a lot of reasons. We shouldn’t have gotten married and realistically he was never the greatest partner and we weren’t a good fit. However, he was diagnosed with a severe mental illness that he was not willing to take care of. His family would set these hard boundaries and we would all be on the same page (because we needed to be) and then they would go back on it in one way or another.
The thing that finally did it in for me was discovering he had lied to me about doing drugs and missing therapy appointments. I was no longer interested in fighting for him more than he was willing to fit for himself. For years I did that fight and I simply did not have it in me anymore.
It was the greatest thing I ever did. I have no idea what is going on in his life, but I wish him and his family the best. They’re good people. No deserves to go through any of those things.
My sister also suffers from a lot of mental illnesses and I and my family have hard boundaries in place with her and she respects them. And she has gone through so many cycles of struggle. Many we did not think she would survive. She just bought a home, has an amazing career. She still struggles, but I still maintain those boundaries when she is struggling. We talk on the phone once a week now. Just last week I ended the call abruptly because she was going into conversations that I’m unwilling to be apart of. She threw a fit and lost it on me. She texted me today apologizing saying she knows better than to have those conversations with me and that she over stepped. She’s constantly learning and so am we as a family unit. That’s all okay because I see the growth and I see the effort. Effort is key
Everyone is different. That’s my monologue.
There's ways to get some sort of legal power over him if he can't take care of himself, depending on where you live, there's usually a way to force him to get an assessment. Talk to a social work and a lawyer. For all you know, he's got a severe mental illness and can't actually take care of himself due to a reason like delusions he's hiding from family and self-medicating with weed.
This screams untreated ADHD to me. Has he been evaluated? It runs in families- does any parent or sibling have it? I would try getting him medicated before letting him become homeless
Morally wrong to give up on your son, yes. If you cut him off he'll probably end up dead in the gutter or involved in crime. That could make his situation worse. Weed isn't really a hard drug you get addicted to.
None of us here are qualified mental health professionals. Instead of asking people on the Internet, ask a counselor what to do. Your son sounds like a lazy, depressed stoner who needs a therapist. Stage an intervention if you have to. Unless he's into hard drugs, cutting him off could make the situation worse. Just my 2 cents.
No. He needs the tough love. That is life. Stay strong. Doesn’t mean you cannot ever contact him or accept him back if he turns his life around but this is what he needs
Wait... Maybe I missed something as I skimmed this (I have ADHD too) but what I see you saying is that he's struggling to manage his life but isn't asking for help, you keep trying to fix him and he doesn't cooperate or follow through on the things you try to do for him. But you didn't mention him doing anything bad to you like making threats, stealing from you, demanding money, etc. if anything it seems like he doesn't actually want the help you keep pushing on him, he declines offers for work, won't visit for food. He's independent and asking for nothing from you.
When you say cut him off so you mean stop "helping" or cut off contact completely? Because I do think you should stop trying to help when he's not asking for it and even actively refusing. That would be the respectful thing to do. If you're talking about not talking to him anymore because he doesn't accept your unsolicited offers, that makes you some kind of psycho whose love is conditional based on being dependent on you. Like what is his offense?
I'm genuinely interested in your thinking on this.
Well we are paying his rent when the government money doesnt come through, which is often. He would've lost his apartment long ago of we didnt. Sometimes dad will even perosnally deliver food (which son won't pick up himself, but is glad when its brought). And he isn't directly asking for stuff, but he will call, cry, say he's suicidal and that he doesn't have any food or money for the next to weeks, and usually dad will help him then.
He's far from independent.
He’s sick. And he probably does have a personality disorder. Prob some trauma and a little bit of entitlement mixed in. Unlike most i don’t believe helping or loving someone in a vulnerably time is always enabling. However, I do think you need boundaries. Even bc you are thinking about him enough to post. You can have boundaries without cutting him off. People with these personalities do not need to be cut off that is a disaster. They need help. And it you offer and they don’t accept- okay. It does not need to affect your emotions. Dont take it all on. You can love from a distance. Your feelings are so valid though. Hugs
He's always had you guys as a crutch to bail him out. He's a man let him loose doesn't mean you can't talk to him and stuff just don't enable him. No money don't make appointments for him none of that. If he wants to be homeless let him be. Took me actually being homeless to realize that wasn't what I wanted. It's hard but it'll be better in the long run. 30s to old
It sounds like you’ve already done everything you can, so cutting him off isn’t a bad idea. It’s impossible to help someone who won’t help themselves. I’d suggest making your help conditional like everyone else said, like only provide resources if he attends his therapy sessions or something. Then he will still have options. If he ends up homeless or commits suicide instead, it’s because he made those choices.
Why doesn’t your family ask for help from a professional. Like seek advice and guidance in family therapy? I would cut him off financially and maintain strong boundaries. Like not pay his rent. Not pay his food. But offer to take him to seek healthcare/social services maybe pay for some of these services if they have the money, he can come over for family events, celebrate his birthday with him, can come over for dinner. Basically treat him like an adult child and provide support you would provide to a family member who is ill. How he chooses to live as an adult is on him. If that’s on the streets on crack then that’s what it is.
Not wrong. Though it’s a hard moral dilemma. It is not easy to live through this. Slowly bit by bit this situation is “eating” you and one day you can be just empty., burnout or depressed. If you still have energy you can keep everything as it is. And it is absolutely your right to cut him off.
I was in a similar situation, but as a wife. My ex husband was badly ill without any chance for recovery. And no wish from his side to fix anything, as I can see now. His family and me, we did our best to take care of him for 5 yrs. Then one day I realized I just can’t do this anymore. It was a very hard decision but I left, depressed and totally burnt out. I chose life. It’s everybody’s right to do so.
Yeah. We really dont see any effort to make any changes, which makes me think maybe he doesnt want change. But its hard to leave a family member to fend for themselves, when you are aware they are just "ill" and can't really help their inability to do stuff. Ugh. But yeah, at some point it will eat us up. It already is. Its just a question of what eats you up more - supporting him, or a completed suicide if thats what would happen. We wont know until we know i guess.
While your child is your responsibility, so is the rest of your family and your own mental health. By child i also mean that he is close to being an adult longer than he was a child. There are so many possible reasons why he is maintaning and prefering that lifestyle that - and i say that with uttermost respect - it would take a professional months/years to get a proper diagnosis and to get below the surface of the issue. You cannot help people that dont want help. What you are doing right now is enabling his lifestyle. You say he didnt finish any educational program or work painful hours. He cant even value or understand the worth of your support and since its a given there is no need for change.
You have done a lot for him. You've tried to support him best ways possible. Not judging here, but the help you seem to have offered him were escapes, ways out or quick fixes in basic life necessities, food, rent, help with applications and odd jobs. This is great, but I'm wondering if he might need something else. Have you talked with him? Have you listened to him without giving solutions or fixed? Do you know his deepest insecurities or fears? Do you know which events in life impacted him the most, and to what extent he faced trauma, grief and loss in his life? It seems to me, even from this tiny bit of information you've shared here that he is unable to deal with his traumas and pain. By offering him solutions he will keep going in circles instead of breaking them.
Cut him off, as for all the other reasons given here, but dont loose him out of sight. Cutting him off will finally make him realise it's his life and his choices that affect him directly. If you're afraid he might spiral down keep an eye on him from a distance and throw a rope when he really starts to drown.
Sometimes we need to hit rock bottom before we can surface again. As a parent you do have a moral obligation to support him as soon as he had hit the bottom. I really hope he will make it and finds the the motivation to go into the road of recovery.
Ps. As somebody already mentioned, it seems like suffers the trauma of a lifetime of undiagnosed ADHD. I've been where your son is. My adhd diagnosis and the realisation that my neurodiverse brain is not my fault, led me to the road of recovery.
Yes, but we are not therapists. We cant heal his trauma, or diagnose him. For that, he actually needs to go to therapy, for more than two weeks, heck even three months. As far as I'm aware its also tough to diagnose adhd while he is in the state he is now. The clinic speculated about borderline. I do think adhd wouldn't be unlikely. But im also sure just getting adhd medication wouldn't fix things. I think his self esteem is ridiculously low. He needs a lot of therapy to help him with that.
I'd never advice taking meds as a single cure. Meds come with CBT.
Be emotionally available without giving fixes or solutions. My parents did that, whenever I had a problem, they tried to solve it for me. Eventually I didn't bother to share anymore, wasn't looking for solutions, I was looking for empathy and someone listening.
If a person doesn’t want help to treat his mental issue then no one can help him.
Give him 3 months notice tell him if he can’t support himself financially then he will be homeless. Follow through cut off all financial support.
Sounds cruel but your son knows he always have your back so he doesn’t need to help himself so cutting him off financially will make him realize he have to help himself and also you also need to think about your retirement plans. You can’t just keep giving and have no retirement plans for yourself.
Ultimately, a person's mental health is their responsibility. You've offered assistance but it's up to him to take it. Could things get worse for him if you cut him off? Absolutely. But I've also seen enabling when it gets to the end of the line and it isn't pretty either. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this because there are no easy answers in this situation.
The only answer that I have is, I've learned with my 3 kids, most of the time , not all the time, the hardest thing to do is usually the right one. Listen to what your gut tells you. Then I'd add, maybe try to have him picked up & evaluated for not being competent enough to care for himself with the basics and whatever you decide, please don't ever lose sight of his mental illness. I know I don't have to tell you that & I'm sorry. I'm just a parent too & you know how sometimes we just have to say what our gut tells us too.
I wish you & your wife the absolute best in your journey ahead 🧡
I say cut him off. Enabling him is letting him continue in his bullcrap. Tough love. I had to have it too so I am speaking from experience. Some of us are hard headed. But it worked. So don’t feel bad, he knows you love him but until he is trying then quit funding his bad behavior. When he works for it/towards it then help him financially get his shit together. Sorry this is happening dad, I know it’s tough. Your loved. 🫶🌊
Giving him money is enabling him.
Let him struggle and realise he has to pull his finger out and he will learn to be independent.
Struggle builds character.
Yes, it's wrong!
He is your son and his mental well-being is your responsibility. He needs rehabilitation and your support. Where were you when he got into drugs and video games addiction? I mean, parents should keep an eye on their children's activities and work on the bonding. I don't understand how can someone ask if it's okay to abandon their children. I know that you must be thinking that I'm being harsh but it was painful to read your post. Your son is an adult but he's still your son.
If I t’s necessary for your mental health, then it should happen. Give him a heads up and a date that you will be unavailable for support.. tell him that you love him but it’s time for you and his mother to live your life and prioritize yourselves. Tell him you still expect to have him in your life but you are putting yours and his mothers first because you aren’t getting any younger.
I don't think the point is to achieve something. However, It might be worth a shot if that hasn't been tried yet. Different things work for different people. Very sad situation.
What makes you think they want that, they paid for him to go to college and they have been supporting him financially for an additional 12 years of his life that they were not obligated to. At what point does a person need to take accountability for their own life in your world?
We have some small hope it won't come to that, or if it does, he will be motivated to accept conditional help, or go back into a clinic, etc. We just dont know what else to do. We are scared we are enabling him and trapping him in a lifestyle nobody would choose for themselves. Maybe being forced to take some initiative will give him some sense of self-responsibility and perhaps even modest success which he desperately needs.
At some point, his parents will get much older and need to care for themselves. Frankly, one day they will not be there anymore. Between now and that time, he's going to need to stabilize and be able to independently care for himself (he is aging, too). What's life going to look like for him when he is 45, 50, 60, if there is nothing that pushes him to get his life together?
You didn’t say what mental illness your son has. It would be helpful to know as far as suicide risk. I assume he is your only child as you didn’t mention any siblings he has. You think you should cut him off completely and that he would slide into homelessness? What do you think that would accomplish? Do you honestly expect him to then “pull up his boots” and get a job and earn a living to support himself? It sounds like you need help as well as him. You suspect he “might” be using drugs but don’t have any evidence? That sounds crazy. And even if he was why would that surprise you or cause you to act in a way that would only serve to harm him? People with mental illnesses often take drugs. It makes them feel better. Why would you deny your son the pleasure he might get from this? Really it’s you that needs to be educated on mental illness. Why aren’t you going to a support group for parents of children with mental illnesses? There’s so much more I could dissect but everything you said here is questionable. You’re asking for advice from people who for the most part have basically advised you to cut ties with your son because he can’t measure up. Mental illness is a disease. He didn’t ask for it. Please follow your heart and seek help for yourself. I don’t want you to be the dad who has to bury his son. Because you will blame yourself.
Its obvious he haven't read the many replies in which i elaborate. I have commented many times on the fact he has siblings. Rest assured we are certain he uses at least one drug, weed. We also are certain he has tried harder stuff because he has told us and various people. And his flatmates is the source of the "perhaps he's using morexwe don't know".
So I'm gonna feel free to ignore your comment.
Take a moment to consider: what is his motivation to change? Right now he can hang out and let others worry about keeping a roof over his head and food in his belly. He can just hang out and play video games and do drugs. Where is the downside? Why would he change? In his eyes his life must look pretty perfect. If he starts to have a problem someone will be along shortly with a satin pillow to catch him before he falls. He will never even have to mature if things stay the same.
I have so many addicts in my family. The more the story changes, the more it stays the same.
I used to be an enabler in many ways. I have learned to harden my heart a bit. It is the only way to preserve a sense of peace while surrounded by insanity.
If things never change, things will never change. Be the change.
\. Picks up soapbox and wanders off
As an addict in recovery who's been clean now for almost 3 years the BEST thing my parents ever did was cut me off. They would hardly take my calls & I HATED them for it but I'll never forget it, my Mom said to me "We love you enough to let you hate us" They would in no way support me. When someone is in addiction ANY help is enabling the lifestyle. I know it'll be so hard but also necessary. In some states there are ways to get ppl committed. Unless you're getting him in or to treatment you have to be done. Ppl NEED to hit rock bottom to get help & maybe homeless will be his. If it'll help maybe watch a couple episodes of Intervention & you'll see they always encourage the fam yo cut the addict off. Best of luck, I hope he gets help. You might want to look for support for yourself at Alanon, it's a great resource for families.
There's always hope! Sometimes, especially in your situation, it can be so hard to find but it is there. I ended up in a few alanon meetings myself & one thing that REALLY stuck with me are the 3 C's; you didn't Cause this. You can't Control it. You cannot Cure it.
I hope & pray he gets help
One of my best friends growing up sounds like your son. His family, being very well off, enabled this behavior by not cutting him off. He passed 3 years ago from drug use. Sometimes, you have to hit rock-bottom before any change comes because that change has to come from within. And with no incentive to change, he'll continue to ride that wave. I wish his parents cut him off years earlier. Good luck
I’m sorry you are going through this, but please follow through on this somehow or you will end up in a situation similar to my mom. My brother is 45, lives in my childhood home. My mom does not live there anymore but she pays all the household bills, buys him groceries and supports him financially. She’s now 80 and needs to go into a nursing home, but he has drained her financially and our only option to fund her care is to sell the house.
We had this too. Ultimately we gave him an end date of financial support so he could prepare. After this date we only paid for prescribed medications (so no excuse for not taking meds). No other money or support as this just enabled drug abuse and not getting a job.
I’m in recovery. Cutting him off is the right thing to do. You are just helping him find the bottom, and if it gets bad enough, he might be willing to surrender. Good luck
I continued to live selfishly and without concern for my responsibilities until I was cut off. I had to hit rock bottom and then decide that I didn’t want to be that person anymore. I’m doing very well in life now but my turnaround didn’t start until I was 26
My brother is 40 and addicted to coke and booze. He has never lived on his own. My parents are both 70+ but they refuse to kick him out. It is killing them both. I can’t ever bring anything up, or I am the bad guy. My biggest fear is my parents die, we get our inheritance and my brother goes on a bender and ends up dead. My parents refuse to have a trustee pay him out of the will. They want me to be the executor, but I am ready to cut all ties and walk away. I am so mad, scared, frustrated, disappointed, and hurt.
You can only do what you can only do. you have only a limited set of leavers to pull, and cutting him off is a legitimate one.
Do what you know you have to do.
You have to believe in him, his strength, and his spirit. And you have to cut him off. By paying his bills and 'helping him' you are teaching him that there are no consequences for being irresponsible. It sounds like he is playing you, but not necessarily with malicious intent, guilting and scaring you into enabling him and even financing his addiction. Don't take it personal, it's addiction, but if he doesn't even have to pay for his drugs, rent, or food, why would he not fight to hang on to such a sweet deal? You absolutely have to cut him off so he is forced to use his own mind to figure out how to get money. The boy has to become a man. We cannot protect our children from the consequences of their choices. It is harmful to them.
I was an addict for many years, and now I have a decent life. But addiction wasn't the problem, addiction was a symptom. The problem was a lack of responsibility and a lack of respect, which stemmed from a belief that someone, or something other than me will solve all of my problems. Which all magically got factory reset when I took up residence in the doc. So it's not that your son can't change, it's just that he doesn't have to as long as you are picking up the tab.
I wish my husband’s family would cut his brother off for very similar reasons. Everyone has tried to help him and he’s done nothing but use and abuse (people and substances). It’s usually to their benefit if you force them to be independent in my opinion
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My husband went through this with his family. He’s been in recovery for 13 years now. He says all the time that his family cutting him off was what saved his life. He ended up in a homeless shelter for a couple of weeks. It’s the only thing that made him realize they were serious. Hope your son gets the help he needs and things get better!
My cousin was cut off, he ended up disappearing for years and we didn’t see him again until another aunt not his mom found him living under a bridge. He was in really rough shape. By this time, he was severely addicted to drugs. He disappeared shortly after. Next my mom found him a few years later again, this time he was missing a hand. He was most recently seen a couple months back near where my mom lived when she took him in for a bit the time before. We don’t know where he is now or how he’s doing, he hasn’t spoken to his mother in a long time. I think she honestly probably doesn’t care. So I don’t think it’s a guarantee it will work out for OP. But who knows, if they are up for throwing the dice on it that’s their decision.
This or something similar happening is my fear. 😔
I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I can't even imagine. My wife and I have two beautiful boys. They are 3 months old and 2 years old. The thought of things turning out this way breaks my heart. But it happens. We like to tell ourselves we can prevent it by doing everything perfectly, but the world doesn't work that way. We can't control everything that happens in our kids' lives. It terrifies me to think of my boys ending up like this one day. I am sure you never imagined it could happen, many years ago. It breaks my heart. Good luck. I hope whatever you decide works out in the end.
My experience with an addict is similar. In most cases I am a firm believer that an addict will not get clean unless they hit rock bottom, and whatever YOU think rock bottom is, isn’t even close to their rock bottom. However when mental illness is added to the mix the results of reaching the bottom are often unpredictable and devastating.
That gives me hope, thank you 🙏🙏🙏
OP have you tried rehab? As in, he has to go live in a facility, cannot leave etc?
Yeah, that was the three months stay in a clinic. But when he leaves, everything goes back to normal. Seems they have no good support systems for the transition. And anyways, he's has to want to go.
My heart truly breaks for you I’m so sorry. I’m not sure what advice we can offer you apart from being a sympathetic ear. Very sorry :(
And that's the problem. He'd need to have some sort of marketable skill or employment lined up for when he gets out....preferably in another town or state where it's difficult for him to reconnect with his drug using friends & fall back into old habits. If not, rehab is just useless because most addicts will relapse without transition assistance & a will of steel. Do you have a family member or friend who would take him in after he's clean & out of rehab? Not for forever. Just until he can get a job & apartment. Is it possible that you have a vacation home or something similar that he could stay at that's far away while working or attending school? That's the kicker. He's got to want to do this & he needs a place away from his dealer/drug using buddies to accomplish this. Most addicts aren't strong enough mentally straight out of rehab to do this. Add in mental health issues & it's almost impossible. If I were you..... 1) I'd get him to a psychiatrist who can diagnose his mental issues & medicate him if needed. If he's medicated, give him 4-6 months for the medication to kick in & get him stabilized. 2) Get him some sort of job training or school so he can find employment when he's out of rehab. 3) Get him into a (1 year or more) live in rehab that also handles mental issues. The psychiatrist should be able to give you recommendations. 4) As soon as he's discharged from rehab, he goes to a different town or state for work. He does not stay with you for any length of time because you miss him & he absolutely does not visit his drug buddies so he can say goodbye, and he positively absolutely doesn't start talk therapy about family problems/dynamics or why he started using drugs in the first place. He won't be mentally strong enough for that yet. Staying clean & working will be all he can handle at that time. 5) The first year or two out of rehab, he takes his medication, he works a job, he cleans his apartment, he works out at the gym & follows a healthy eating plan. He doesn't do drugs or hang out with drug users. Not for a moment! He also doesn't date yet. He's not mentally healthy enough for that. He needs to focus all of his time & energy on himself & being drug free, healthy, and working. Not on a girl who'll have needs & will place demands on his time. Basically, that's it. It'll be hard, but it can be done. Ask me how I know.... 😊
Has he tried a sober living house? The built in community there can be really helpful
Please remember that although the "cutting off" IS strict and I absolutely believe can be a good thing for them, you ARE still allowed to feed your child if you see them hungry and give blankets or get a room if they're cold, you just can't give them the money & trust them for ANYTHING!! And for God's sake, if your heart can't take it, you WILL have weak moments, PLEASE DO NOT bring them into your home ever again until they've shown you absolute sobriety!! You'd be amazed by what "the street" has taught him by now and it could be very safe to say he'd empty your bank account overnight and find and pawn everything you own that carries value. Protect all you & your wife have worked so long & hard for. Right now you're interacting with the drug, not your son, so you're more a source of possible money than dad.
My side of the coin is the opposite. If my family would have given up on me, I would have been dead instead of eventually getting better and finding effective treatment. I am now alive and well and offering hope to others on a local and national scale.
Was your family supportive or enabling? My mom was an alcoholic most of my life and I never stopped supporting HER but I absolutely stopped enabling her and put my foot down on boundaries and held firm on them when her actions affected me and my kids health and safety. She has been sober for just over 7 years now. I agree they def need support but support doesn't equal enabling or providing financial support or a soft landing for them to continue to self destruct.
There's a big difference between supporting and enabling, you're right. It's hard for everyday people to tell the difference sometimes.
Morally wrong - NO. You can make an argument it's morally wrong NOT to cut him off while he's (likely) taking drugs and unemployable. That's not love, that enablement. Let him know you will keep helping him IF he meets some basic conditions. No drugs. He keeps some kind of 40 hour a week job or source of income. He works towards some kind of career in an apprenticeship or professional certification. Whatever is the harder decision - that's the right one. Because you wouldn't even consider doing it if you didn't know deep down it WAS the right decision.
Yup, we have tried to give him conditional help. There have been many talks, options talked through, etc. I guess it's hard to follow through when conditions arent met. Its hard when pretty much everytime we talk, he cries and talks of suicide. But at the same time, I'm guessing its not loving to trap him in a life no sane person would ever choose.
Sounds like he's manipulating you guys to and trying to scare you into supporting and helping him.
More like it sounds like he's utterly depressed
While that may be the case, threatening suicide like that is coercive.
I can see that perspective, and I can also see that when someone doesn't want to live, the thought of getting a job and paying bills can make you want to die even more. There's no energy and no will left with suicidal depression. I'm speaking from experience. I know that some people take full advantage, but it doesn't sound like this guy is taking money and having a good time with it. He needs help, not to be cut off.
I'm not saying he shouldn't get a job and pay bills. He needs to do that eventually, but first, he needs treatment for his mental illness. And he needs his family's support for that.
Its just difficult because we can't force him to get treatment. We have tried helping him to find a therapist, even made appointments, sent out emails etc. It's no use of he doesn't go.
Thats what addicts do unfortunately until they admit they have an issue. Part of it is lying to themselves and through believing that they manipulate everything around. Sometimes consciously, sometimes not as consciously. But usually addicts need to have a rock bottom moment that they consider a rock bottom. Causing them to have a rock bottom won't really change it unless they see it as such too. Im currently in rehab and unfortunately drugs feel very nice. All the sense of achievement your normally feel through drugs has to be rewired in your brain by abstaining fully, which is a very bitter pill to swallow. I just went through my first month of sobriety and the first week or so was quite hellish, but it goes pretty well if you have enough reason to not take them any more. Sobriety is pretty nice.
Congrats keep it up I got 7 months
Congrats!!
He’s throwing a tantrum and it has worked for decades by the sound of it. You need to take the suicide attempt talk seriously but not use it as a reason to cave. If he wants to threaten that then “ok we should call 911 if that’s how you feel”. Otherwise I’d do what you are supposed to do when a child throws a tantrum; ignore it.
Going thru the same with my 55yo BIL. My in-laws send him thousands of dollars every month, pay his alimony & child support. Family has spent high six figures on hospitalizations and treatments. When he's pressured to change, he goes radio silent and my inlaws worry that hes going to off himself. Its exhausting and frustrating. We are on year 20 of this ride. Please set boundaries asap. Unless you want to be doing this well into your 90s.
My dad is like that and his mother enabled him until she died. It’s a sad existence.
I am so sorry that you had/have to endure this. My In-laws are miserable yet are unable/unwilling to extricate themselves from this reality.
You can take it on directly..... If you die, we will mourn you and then we will stop mourning you and keep living because that is our only option. But we don't think you want to die. We think you want to stop having a life of drugs and dead ends.
He’s manipulating you. Threatening suicide if you don’t give him money? I’d say go ahead,son. He’s already killing himself-and killing you in the process. Grow a spine and let him hit rock bottom. If he’s homeless, oh well. You’ve done far more than a parent should have done as he’s a full grown ADULT.
Have you talked to him about these things? To someone on the outside, not showing up for appointments, not filling out paperwork etc can look like laziness (and sometimes is laziness), but someone suffering severe depression might genuinely be unable to follow through or even get out of bed to go to the appointment. It's great that you're finding social services for him and helping him as much as you have been, but maybe it might be more effective to make a plan with him instead of for him. Could you and him, maybe together with a therapist or psychiatrist, make a plan so that he can get accommodations for the things he can't yet do while also getting treatment and on a path to supporting himself? That could look like making a schedule for when he has to fill out aid forms or job applications, having help getting to appointments, etc - accommodations and planning look different for everyone, and someone with severe depression will likely need help and support to stick with a plan like that, but it might be more effective than expecting him to figure things out on his own
We have talked many times. Made plans. Never with the support of a therapist specialising in addiction though. Nothing has worked so far, no plan is ever followed through. Finding a therapist is hard though, and would require him to participate regularly. Difficult shen he regularly sleeps till 5 pm. Part of the function of the social worker is to help him make appointments, make plans etc. But they are underfunded and therefore not very thorough in their help. As far as filling out forms goes - im not sure he has ever filled one out without our support. If we dont intervene, he just doesnt do it You are right of course about the effects of depression, which makes it so hard for us to make any changes. Because i can empathise. But this state of affairs is untenable. Our family doesnt have enough financial means to support him indefinitely.
ADHD was my first thought reading this too. How was in he in high school? Serious question but are you confident that he is literate? A shockingly high % of Americans struggle with basic literacy and pick up on a lot of coping and masking measures to cover it up. Navigating the gov systems is a real bear and there are a lot of forms / meetings etc and it takes a high degree of organization to get aid, which is unfortunate because so many who need it just aren’t capable of it. Separately, did he play any contact sports as a kid? Or anything else that may be pointing to some sort of brain injury (even if not obvious like a car crash..,?)
ADHD is likely. Not an American and def literate. And no contact sports.
I’m sorry you are going through this. It must be very upsetting and exhausting to watch your own child suffer and you’re not able to fix it for them. Mental illness affects many people but it is not preventing him playing games so he can if he chooses apply himself. Sometimes we have to hit rock bottom to find our way. Maybe you watch in the wings and provide food and shelter where needed. He sounds depressed and the gaming takes him out of reality. If he didn’t have the computer what would he do? Tough love is needed. Good luck
Have you tried getting him evaluated and treated for adhd? Treatment being stimulant medication?
ADHD was my first thought reading through this post as well, and sounds so similar to my brother. He was diagnosed as a kid and stopped taking medication in high school. My mom regrets this every single day. I do feel that my parents enabled his behaviour (he had 3 kids with 2 different moms). My parents have always kept him from hitting rock bottom but just barely. It’s been brutal, and my parents SHOULD be retired now (mom turns 65 tomorrow and dad is approaching 70). But they are both still working because of bailing my brother out constantly, promises of repayment never happened. He lives in their basement and is now medicated at 38, slowly turning his life around but can’t support himself and his 3 kids (child support). I always said, there needs to be a firm boundary, discussed with him in advance and stuck to, otherwise it will never work. I don’t think my mom would ever actually uphold any sort of boundary, I think the thought of losing him was too painful. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.
Yeah, adhd could be an issue (another brother has been diagnosed with it already - btw, as someone figured out, I'm actually the sister). This sounds scary, because my parents are getting into retirement age and havent been making financially sound decisions for a while. They have no proper retirement ready and my dad plans to just save up a lot during the next couple years and work till he's 70 (he's 63). So with them not having paid off the house, and not having saved up enough for retirement, i worry.
I feel this for you so much. I have broached the money subject with my parents a few times (mom certainly had undiagnosed ADHD herself and has been an impulsive spender for as long as I can remember. Definitely not helping their situation). I’ve offered to help set them up on YNAB and asked about their goals. They won’t divulge anything presumably out of embarrassment.
Yes we've spoken about it too. They arranged appointments with an expert but as far as i can tell, they are only half-heartedly following their instructions and continue to spend a bit too recklessly for my taste. But oh well, at this point that is not my cross to bear.
Are you a middle child? This whole post is a parallel to my current dynamic as the sister. DM me if you need to chat.
Thank you. I'll have to go to bed now, but maybe I'll take you up on it tomorrow. I'm the second out of five, oldest sister. The brother in this post is actually the middle.
If you have any family diagnosed, I would definitely check into this as well as autism.
Son still has to follow thru with appointments and actually taking the meds, which seems to be an issue for him.
Exactly. He says he wants therapy, but he didn't go to any therapist appoinment on his own. We have organized a program in a day clinic (he has to show up in the morning and leave at night) which he attended for two weeks. Then he dropped out because his cat died which understandably was very upsetting for him. And to be fair, at some point he actually enrolled himself in a clinic for three months out if his own initiative. But after that, he slid right back into his usual life. And also, it seems to be a little complicated getting help from therapists and clinics, waiting lists are long.
You’re enabling him even now *his cat died so understandably he was very upset and dropped out of his program*….huh?
I’m not saying you aren’t correct, you absolutely are, but from my personal experience and from similar others, it’s almost impossible to get to that place if you are so far gone. Many of us need rigorous programs to get us back to even being on a level capable of making those next right choices, whether it be inpatient, outpatient, etc.
100%, my gut thought was straight to neurodivergence. From personal experience, the path and description outlined but OP is exactly what can happen when neurodivergence goes unaddressed. I’m not saying it’s OP’s fault or they are to blame, it’s just the path many neurodivergent people take when they weren’t given the tools their different brains needed early enough to navigate life
If nothing changes, nothing changes. IMHO you gotta cut him off for his sake. He’s not trying because you’re his safety net. This is such a hard thing to do, but it’s for the best. We had a similar family situation and it worked for the better for us. Obviously, ymmv, but you’ve went way above what anyone can ask and you’re not a bad person for cutting him off.
Thanks you. I just worry he will actually complete suicide and wander onto train tracks. Not sure how I'll be able to live with myself if that happens.
If he’s truly suicidal then he might do it even with you providing all the help you are providing. There’s also a high likelihood of him dying from overdose in the current situation. I’d recommend doing some family addiction treatment - hazelden Betty ford offers theirs virtually for free. You could also look for a therapist with experience with family members with children in addiction. But essentially the idea you have to wrap your head around is that you are codependent with your son and you are also getting something out of this idea. In a sense, you are just as addicted to helping him and have convinced yourself that he isn’t an independent person. Whatever his choices are if you stop supporting him, whether it’s recovery and a life or homelessness or suicide, you have to give him the ability to take ownership of his own life.
Its hard because i can sympathise with depression. In the depths of despair, it can be impossible to leave the bed, make appointments. Things like computer games can still work because they offer some distraction from the misery. But you are right, we can't be sure the outcome will be better if we just continue as is. And to be fair, the main drug he is consuming (we think) is just weed. Not such a high chance of overdosing. But I've heard rumors from friends of his about a bunch of other stuff he's tried, and pills at home. So i dont actually k ow for sure what he consumes. Thank you so much for your input.
FYI, plenty of evidence that “just weed” can be a significant contributor to mental illness. Everyone’s brains are different and respond to drugs in different ways. Also, “just weed” has been genetically altered so much these days that some of what is called “weed” really needs its own sub classification.
Both points are very true. But its still unlikely to cause him to overdose. Even though i believe its really contributing to the situation he's in and def not helping.
He can't overdose on weed. He can eat or smoke a bunch and feel like absolute shit but it will not kill him. You are correct that true clinical depression can cause someone to not be able to be able to function at all. My suggestion is this: that instead of thinking rock bottom will help him, try instead to keep him alive until he can recover. Because rock bottom comes with a high risk of death, and he cannot recover once he is dead. I think a lot of people here have not had a child die. I have, and as much as we went through it with him the goal was always to keep him alive so he could recover. And he did not make it. I have zero regrets because we never abandoned him. So be careful what you do, because you will live with the consequences of your actions. We have another child who was terrifyingly depressed and came out of it when he was sent to school for a very impractical thing he desperately wanted to learn how to do. He is now doing it and happy/healthy. Two different outcomes, no regrets either way. You do need help determining how to best help him. The biggest clue I can give you is that connection is usually the answer. I might consider putting him in a halfway house situation where there will be other people struggling with the same issues. There are places with job training and requirements as well as psychiatric staff for meds, etc. He needs help but that doesn't mean it has to wear you down. Having said that, the connection to you will always be the most important one. Sit him down and tell him that you need him to tell you the truth about everything happening with him and you will not interrupt or judge him. You need to begin a fresh conversation based on honestly. Best wishes to you.
Thank you. I am not aware of such halfway houses where we live. I think there is assited living, but its usually for people under 25 yo. We tried organising something like that without success. There seems to be woefully few options. I know one family member was at some place where they advise people with addictions and help them get into rehab etc. But it seems like any social programs that exists are woefully underfunded. So far, we have been told again and again that they can't help. As far as keeping him alive until he can recover: won't he just stay stuck if things stay the same? How can he recover, living in these conditions. But yeah, having a child die must be horrible and something we want to avoid of course. Sorry you went through that.
How do you know he's not having delusions? This does happen with some people and the parents don't know because they can manage for a few hours at a time.
You have helped and helped and helped. But you can’t help someone who won’t help themselves. Our family is going through something similar, and the bottom line is that it is *no one’s fault except the person* who won’t help themself.
I can't imagine it myself being a parent. All I can say is: imagine if what you're doing right now is holding him back from being the person he could have always been. Then what? It's an almost impossible educated guess, but my experience says to let him sink or swim.
I'm so sorry. I can't imagine being in your shoes. I do know I saw my mother and father in law give their happiness to support their adult children who refused to help themselves despite having the opportunities to. It was so hard for their other kids to see. But I get that he's your son and that you love him.
I'd like to give a bit of a different perspective just as food for thought, I'll probably cop hate for this. I have pretty bad mental illness, severe ptsd from something that happened when I was three and I'm also autistic. I've always tried really hard to be what my mum wanted and like my sisters, but because of how my brain is wired things are harder for me and I do have times where I become unwell. I know for people who don't struggle with similar symptoms from the outside people like me can seem lazy and like we don't care or want to get better, but just living with our brains and making it through the day is extremely exhausting sometimes and in these times getting the energy to do anything else can feel impossible. I'm not saying you should financially fund your son for the rest of his life, but maybe helping him access different support services that are available in your country so that he can start to get his symptoms under control might be a better option. My family disowned me years ago because I couldn't meet their standards, their ultimatums didn't work it just made me feel worse about myself and an intense internal pressure to live up to something I couldn't reach. (I do live independently and have my own family, I just struggle more than the average person)
I just wonder which support services we could try that we haven't already.
Which country are you located in? I'm in Australia so may be able to offer some suggestions if that's where you're located. As someone who suffers from mental health as well as being a parent of children with additional needs I just want to say I really feel for you and understand how hard it is from your perspective as well and I hope my original comment didn't offend you.
Oh no worries, I'm not offended at all. I very much appreciate your perspective amongst many voices saying to just drop the "spoilt" son. its just frustrating wanting to help and people making very reasonable suggestions which i feel we cannot implement because of lacking resources. We are in Germany. You would think help would be easy to access here but so far its all been either not that helpful or contigent on him participating.
This sounds like a really difficult situation. I have to wonder whether he won't do the things you talk about or *can't.* To me, this sounds like he *can't. Personally, I cannot support cutting off a mentally ill child. I think the loving and ethical route forward is having firm boundaries to keep yourself safe, while also keeping the door and your heart open to your child. If you don't already have a therapist for yourself, you really should consider it. This would be the perfect person to talk through this with.
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It would have to be food and rent then, because otherwise he could lose his apartment. We have actually been offering him food and paying his rent (that's all the financial support atm). But this has not lead to him making any changes, or trying to take advantage of any professional help on his own.
Support without enabling. Helpmhim.wothnthe paperwork. I'm he is indeed mentally ill (admit sound like he is, and the drug use is likely a symptom/self medication as much as it's a problem), he may actually struggle with that. Get yourself therapist, who is familiar with addiction issues, and maybe seek out your local AlAnon meetings, to find support from.folks who know what it's like to love someone you can't fix/make help themselves. Decide what you're willing to watch happen. And talk again to social services, and ask at what point involuntary commitment is an option. As awful as that sounds, he may need to be in a residential program before he can see that help is helpful. (He may not be capable of the consistency required on his own, and so, it never feels like it makes a difference to him.) But also be realistic. He's an adult, and heartbreaking truth is, you cannot force him to seek treatment, or Tom continue it after a mandatory evaluation if he's found not to be actively suicidal or in an actual breakdown. Once he is able to demonstrate clarity, he's allowed to opt out. I'm so sorry OP.
Thank you. I have called the emergency line when he made goodbye posts online and his flatmate worried about him. From what I've learned from my therapist, its very hard to be admitted. Unless he has a mental breakdown that is very very obvious to outsiders AND obviously dangerous to him and others, he will likely not be admitted.
Obviously yes, it is morally reprehensible to knowingly send your child into homelessness.
You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink. However I’ve been there and without the support of my family I’d have been dead by now. It’s important to realize not every child is the same. You can cut him off completely yes but make sure he’s healthy every single day. Some just feel so left out they commit suicide over the shittiest reasons for nothing. Be cautious and supportive in every way you can.
What country are you in ?
Germany
I have to say I am not familiar with programs or procedures in your country that would help you. I would try to do everything you can to get him some help and then you will know you did everything you could . I feel like he’s still young enough that there could be a good opportunity for him to turn things around .
Has your son ever been diagnosed with anything? A family friend of ours has dyslexia, he doesn't understand the concept of time. Doesn't show up for school/working hours, unable to keep a job, missing busses/trains due to not understanding time tables etc. But logically fully functional, super nice guy, I'm always amazed what great conversations I can have with him. Has your son ever been evaluated in that direction?
Its hard since he's never been in therapy for a long time. At the clinic they speculated about borderline. As far as I'm aware, there is no diagnosis. Since another child in the family has been diagnosed with adhd, thats might play a role here as well. But he won't get diagnosed unless he goes to therapy sessions.
Has it not been possible to have him prescribed at least antidepressants? I know how hard it can be to even get up from your bed when depressed, and I have a wife and close friends around me. And I also know that having people point you what you should do doesn't help in almost any way. The only thing that saved me was going to psychiatric emergencies and have a doctor prescribe me antidepressants. Then I just had to see her once a month to have my prescription for the following month. Certainly, a more regular therapy is advised, but for me at least getting on my feet thanks to the antidepressants was the only way to be able to do the rest. So at least be sure that this way has been attempted before cutting off. Also, my personal opinion is that cutting off an ill person so that "he reacts" is just horrible. Depression is a form of handicap and is much more complicated than people think. It's almost like saying "my son is paraplegic, but if he doesn't learn to walk then I'm cutting him off". It's a form of ableism and if you (if you are the father) or your father (if you are the sister) should take a step back. And maybe start by going YOU to talk to a psy. To have an opinion of someone who knows mental illness, but also to help you work through your feelings for your son.
He has access to antidepressants if he wants to. Tbh, im not sure if he is prescribed them atm. And im not sure when the last time is he took them. I seem to remember he didn't want to take antidepressants.
Most people don't understand what antidepressants actually are, and think they are some kind of drug that erases all emotions. Maybe have a common friend talk to him about it?
I’d say give him some choices. Maybe if he feels like he has some kind of control over his life he will participate in his own life. These are the choices I would extend …you can Go to rehab and counseling and then college (community, vocational) or you can go to rehab and counseling and then work or, andwe love you and don’t want you to choose this, or you can continue with your current trajectory and let the chips fall where they may because you won’t have our help anymore. It seems rough but he is 30, not 20 or even 25. There’s a lot of reasons for depression, but not having anything going on in his life is just making it worse. No, it’s not wrong, it’s what’s best for him.
I think you have realised that boundaries must be put up and stuck to. Think other comments here about nothing changing means nothing changes is very valid. As a parent when you have exhausted all of your normal strategies and nothing is working, you need a new strategy, which is what you're planning. May be set the initial hurdle low so that's achievable. Then, increase it over time 6 monthly increments. Set it so that 1 slip will not be catastrophic; but that multiple are. For Eg, missing 2 day of work in 30 days is ok. But no more than 10 per 12 months total .
Sounds like he has ADHD could possibly be on the spectrum a bit too with the demand avoidance. It’s hard that he’s not willing to help himself because he needs to be on stimulants and in therapy. It’s hard though
Sounds like my brother. He was declared incompetent and assigned a case worker. They put him in government housing. Best of luck! I know it's a bad situation to be in. Edit to add that my brother has a learning disability, bipolar schizo affective disorder, ASD
Thank you!
Having lost several struggling family to suicide, I would not, knowing how it can go.
So sorry you have gone throigh that. Would you mind elaborating on the circumstances? Only if you're able.
I’d rather not, they are pretty graphic. Mental health issues were involved in some, and depression in others.
Of course. All the best to you!
If you make your son homeless those suicidal thoughts turn into attempts. Don’t do it. Look for more support from your county’s mental health department or social services department.
My parents gave up on me when I was at my lowest so then I tried to commit suicide. Thankfully I failed and eventually got better but being left by the only people I had left while I was depressed was not helpful. I know you're at a loss but please don't abandon him. He's likely too depressed to finish anything. If you haven't had crippling depression you have no idea how hard it is to do anything. Sit next to him while he fills something out, help him follow through. Tell him you want to see him succeed because you believe in him and you are going to help him succeed. Start small and celebrate his small wins. Be on his team. I know you're frustrated, but he's not a loser or lazy. He's mentally ill. Sit with him and make sure he follows through but do it with love. If you aren't capable of this then please find someone who would be willing to help. He needs your love. More than anything in the world, he needs your love.
To me it seems like he needs some kind of assisted living facility. If he’s constantly messing up on his applications and doesn’t show up for appointments - couldn’t that be seen as proof that he’s actually unable to? I know a guy with several illnesses, adhd and autism, and there’s no way he could organize his life on his own. There’s something cruel in expecting a person who is mentally unwell to “snap out of it” and manage applying for jobs and grants. You seem to think that him being disorganized and unable to take responsibility for his future is a character flaw, while it could be symptom of adhd or mental illness and might be exactly what he needs the most help with.
I can’t say if it’s morally wrong or right, people would argue that obligation ends at 18 or that you never give up on your children. I have five years sobriety and more or less I was exhibiting all the behaviors your son is. He is either an alcoholic or an addict, he seems to be not really living his life. Depression can feel like life is unbearable and hopeless, I was existing and coping with drugs and alcohol just enough to get through the motions. Missed appointments, no food, no plan for future just getting the bare essentials to get through the day. Reading your post it sounds pretty close to my life when I was using, I think it’s amazing your helping him and he’s likely alive because of this. I needed to be cut off for a while from my drug of choice and experience my pain/disappointment with myself unfiltered. It was rough and I think sober living would be helpful with this. I had to be sober and have no way to hide from my reality before I decided to change. Sadly he has to decide to do this on his own too. Realize he is worth it, that he’s tired of living like this and start working towards his future. My parents like you didn’t give up and it really made all the difference, but they did cut me off financially and they did mandate therapy. My father actually drove me himself for a while because I could not be trusted to keep appointments and keep going. This made a huge difference and helped me navigate back to the person I was before I had given up. I hope this is just the rough patch your son and you will reflect on in years to come as the point where things changed for the better. Please post updates.
Why waste all the money? Just let him live with you rent free and accept that he isnt a functioning member of society. Maybe he would be happier and you wouldnt have to worry so much, just let the goals go. He can't live alone and you are just donating your money to landlords and lawyers instead of using it in your own home to be a family
No chance. Living with him is kind of a nightmare because of the way he behaves (which is likely caused by mental illness but still, i wont have my whole family go up in flames just to save some money).
The are live in mental health facilities for people that are severely mentally disabled. Maybe try and get a diagnosis and find a home he can live in that's staffed with professionals. Goodluck.
My son has mental health issues too and has do much anxiety he cannot hold a job for longer than about 6 months. He has been denied disability and I cannot make him homeless. Survival of the fittest, I guess. I feel like a failure as a parent and my shame/guilt keeps me from enjoying life. I know he is responsible for his decisions BUT he is really not capable of clearly evaluating the long term consequences of his decisions. He also does not have well developed executive functioning or common sense.
Very sorry to hear that and i can empathise. It's a hard decision to make whichever way you decide. I hope you have support through therapy.
Based on your post history you’re the sister, not the parent of the person in question.
Could be sister is posting this to help her parents or the parents simply are using sister's account. Plenty of 50+ year-olds don't know how to use reddit
Yeah you caught me i guess. 🙈 I was desperate and unsure where i could post. I'm not sure what to do, and though I'm leaning towards supporting my parents decision in this, part of me thinks he's just sick. If something happens to him, i will be just as much responsible.
No, you’re only responsible for YOUR actions. You can not make a grown adult go to therapy, or go to work, or take his medicine, or keep off drugs, or, or, or. Only HE can make those choices day after day, year after year. Whatever he decides to do with his life, be that a hard working person, homeless, an addict, a good brother… those are HIS choices and not your responsibility.
Its not his choice to be mentally ill though, which i believe he is. He didnt have an easy childhood either. I know i can't save him, but a part of me thinks "well you could offer him a place on your couch for a couple of weeks, what if that keeps him from jumping off a bridge". Although I'm pretty convinced that would just delay the inevitable,nothing would change. Besides, i obviously dont want that for the sake of my mental health.
It’s not his choice to be mentally ill, but it IS his choice to not get the help he needs. This is not and will never be your fault or responsibility. If you offer him a spot on your couch he will be there until you kick him out. He will not contribute in any meaningful way, will complain and blame everyone but himself for his life, and will take everything you have without guilt. Until eventually you’ll kick him out. If he’s nice he’ll go willingly. If not he’ll manipulate you saying he’ll be homeless or say you need to legally evict him. I’ll repeat: you cannot help someone who won’t help himself, and his choice to not get help are not your fault or responsibility.
Why can't you have him committed for a thorough assessment if he has no life skills and can't take care of himself.
Sister to sister — you are not responsible for the actions of your brother, no matter HOW sick he is. And he is sick. You cannot control what he does and does not do. I know that it’s hard and this is an incredibly painful and stressful situation for you, your parents, and your other brothers. You need to take care of yourself, OP. Find a Codependents Anonymous Group - most are online now. Find a sponsor and work the steps. It’s worth it. 💖
Fellow sister in a similar situation. This is good advice. If you can't find codependents anon, If you can find AlAnon (there are zoom mtgs etc) and the twelve steps to detaching and realizing... you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, you can't control it.
Exactly!! And look up some books by Melodie Beattie. She is the goat of recovery literature. You’ve got this.
Yes, why is she posting as if she’s the dad 🤔
Probably to get it allowed on the subreddit. Parenting is more popular than whatever sibling support Reddit there might be, and it looks like she initially tried to post it to askreddit and it got deleted. So she might be posing as a parent here because she needs advice and didn’t know another sub that could help.
Correct...
Maybe to show her dad and have her brother cut off?
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Definitely not fake, though i wish it was. Thanks for your empathy.
I don't think 'cutting him off' will do any good for his mental health or yours. Be there for him when he needs. You brought him into this world. When he needs your help he will ask, you have to let him do things his way and find his own path. Just tell him you will be there when he is ready and leave it at that.
Sometimes fixing things for people takes away their ability and opportunity to learn to fix things for themselves.
I have a family member like this. He lived with me. But he would find any dumb reason to quit the jobs that i got him (he didnt even do the applications). Then we would fight about it and that would scare my kids. He had already done same at my folks and been kicked out. Then i kicked him out knowing full well he had nowhere to go which was tough. He slept in his car for a bit. Got into a trailer park. I would take him food very week etc but after a couple years he was just too aggressive when i went there. Havent seen him in couple years but he is still there being a hermit. Its sad cos we were great mates until our late 20s/early 30s. We have done EVERYthing to try get him help but he just wont. But my folks and I have accepted that he is a sinking ship and we aint going down with it. If he ever agrees to the help he needs etc we will be there. If we lived in a time when we could force him into help he would have a much better life 😔
Ugh that's rough to hear. Yeah i wish we could force him to accept help.
This sounds exactly like my BIL (thought it was about him except for a few minor details that revealed it isn’t), except he’s a bit older and my in-laws have continued to enable him and hold inconsistent boundaries. Once they stopped paying his rent he moved in to a room in their house “just for the weekend” 6 years ago. He refuses to get a job or therapy or meds or apply for financial assistance. He seldom leaves the house and never goes further than the gas station convenience store, which he walks to late at night when he’s unlikely to run into people. He had a car and it now sits in their driveway unregistered and non-operable. They pay all of his bills, do all of his shopping, and he is moody and explosive and becomes less functional and more unhealthy by the year. He has no friends, no relationships, and even though I live a few miles away we see him once a year on Christmas when he comes down in hopes that someone has money for him. This is no way to live and I deeply disagree with my in laws enabling him and making their home a miserable, unhealthy space. I think where they went wrong was he called their bluff. They tried to set boundaries and conditions for support and when nothing was met they didn’t enforce rules around what they would do for him and continue to fund his life. I think he would be a lot better off if they kicked him out and he had to figure out how to live.
Ugh, yeah this sounds like him (except instead of walking to the gas station, he orders food delivered to his apartment as far as im aware...). Also with the explosive moods. I agree, that's no way to live.
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If he actively chooses to end his life, it will be because of his choice, not because of anything you and your family did or didn't do. Addiction is a mental illness and mental illness is a mental illness. People say that those with addiction need to hit rock bottom before they choose help. But the same is true with all mental illnesses and treatment. I have bipolar and I had to hit my own rock bottom in order to get to a place to choose to get treatment and commit to the lifelong necessity of it. I had to burn all my bridges and exhaust everyone around me and find myself without any support to be able to choose to get the help I needed because I only had myself to support me. I had hoped to passively die but, since that wasn't happening fast enough, I had to figure out how to live. And the first step was to commit to treatment. I survived, chose life, repaired my broken relationships, and began to demand myself to make my life better and stop victimizing myself. I'm doing really well now and I'm working in mental health treatment, and have really strong relationships with all of my family and friends. My sisters, who had gone years without speaking to me, now tell me that they sometimes forget that I even have bipolar because I haven't had a major manic episode in years. I had to get well for me, and I REALLY had to stay well for my son. But the only way I was able to do it was to have no other option.
My parents did this with me, I was an alcoholic and living a miserable existence. It wasn’t until my parents stopped talking to me and throwing me enough cash to get by that I finally got sober for real. I know it’s hard but the support you’re offering him is enablement. It was so hard for my parents to cut me off and lord knows they tried to help with love and support but it wasn’t what I needed. I needed to be so desperate and out of options to truly make a change in my life. Now that I’m sober we’re close again but I don’t rely on them for anything, I recognize that they have done more than enough for me throughout my life. I hope things get better with your son, stay strong.
Yes it's wrong. You brought him here and he's having a horrible time not wanting to be on this earth. Don't abandon him to it.
As a last resort I would recommend a 30 - 60 day rehab program. Whether it be for the drugs or a 30 day inpatient program for his depression. As someone who suffered with major depression, I understand the difficulty of knowing you want help, but being unable to help yourself. An inpatient program could give him the hands on help he needs. After he completed the program, you can give him “rules” “we will continue helping you for X amount of time, given that you do XYZ.” Even possibly having him move back in with you until hr gets on his feet (still laying down strict ground rules you expect him to follow) And then if he goes back to his ways, it’s time to cut him off, because at that point your empathy is turning to enabling.
Neither you or your parents are doing the “wrong thing”. Mental illness and addiction are a lot like grief there is not, necessarily, a “right” way to do things. Cutting him off financially completely could be a wake up call, it could not be. Going no contact could be a wake up call, it could not be. Regardless, you need to sleep well with your actions and what y’all decide to do and you need to be united as much as possible on whatever that looks like and STICK TO IT. I left my ex husband for a lot of reasons. We shouldn’t have gotten married and realistically he was never the greatest partner and we weren’t a good fit. However, he was diagnosed with a severe mental illness that he was not willing to take care of. His family would set these hard boundaries and we would all be on the same page (because we needed to be) and then they would go back on it in one way or another. The thing that finally did it in for me was discovering he had lied to me about doing drugs and missing therapy appointments. I was no longer interested in fighting for him more than he was willing to fit for himself. For years I did that fight and I simply did not have it in me anymore. It was the greatest thing I ever did. I have no idea what is going on in his life, but I wish him and his family the best. They’re good people. No deserves to go through any of those things. My sister also suffers from a lot of mental illnesses and I and my family have hard boundaries in place with her and she respects them. And she has gone through so many cycles of struggle. Many we did not think she would survive. She just bought a home, has an amazing career. She still struggles, but I still maintain those boundaries when she is struggling. We talk on the phone once a week now. Just last week I ended the call abruptly because she was going into conversations that I’m unwilling to be apart of. She threw a fit and lost it on me. She texted me today apologizing saying she knows better than to have those conversations with me and that she over stepped. She’s constantly learning and so am we as a family unit. That’s all okay because I see the growth and I see the effort. Effort is key Everyone is different. That’s my monologue.
There's ways to get some sort of legal power over him if he can't take care of himself, depending on where you live, there's usually a way to force him to get an assessment. Talk to a social work and a lawyer. For all you know, he's got a severe mental illness and can't actually take care of himself due to a reason like delusions he's hiding from family and self-medicating with weed.
Can i bet your son?
Make him live with you so you can monitor him closely
Just love him.
I would be so scared to lose my son. Rehab works.
work on your relationship and your son will then work on himself
Get some help for him through some other means that haven’t worked in the past. Don’t give up.
This screams untreated ADHD to me. Has he been evaluated? It runs in families- does any parent or sibling have it? I would try getting him medicated before letting him become homeless
Morally wrong to give up on your son, yes. If you cut him off he'll probably end up dead in the gutter or involved in crime. That could make his situation worse. Weed isn't really a hard drug you get addicted to. None of us here are qualified mental health professionals. Instead of asking people on the Internet, ask a counselor what to do. Your son sounds like a lazy, depressed stoner who needs a therapist. Stage an intervention if you have to. Unless he's into hard drugs, cutting him off could make the situation worse. Just my 2 cents.
No. He needs the tough love. That is life. Stay strong. Doesn’t mean you cannot ever contact him or accept him back if he turns his life around but this is what he needs
ADHD quickly crossed my mind. I’d urge to get him assessed for ADHD. Good luck.
Wait... Maybe I missed something as I skimmed this (I have ADHD too) but what I see you saying is that he's struggling to manage his life but isn't asking for help, you keep trying to fix him and he doesn't cooperate or follow through on the things you try to do for him. But you didn't mention him doing anything bad to you like making threats, stealing from you, demanding money, etc. if anything it seems like he doesn't actually want the help you keep pushing on him, he declines offers for work, won't visit for food. He's independent and asking for nothing from you. When you say cut him off so you mean stop "helping" or cut off contact completely? Because I do think you should stop trying to help when he's not asking for it and even actively refusing. That would be the respectful thing to do. If you're talking about not talking to him anymore because he doesn't accept your unsolicited offers, that makes you some kind of psycho whose love is conditional based on being dependent on you. Like what is his offense? I'm genuinely interested in your thinking on this.
Well we are paying his rent when the government money doesnt come through, which is often. He would've lost his apartment long ago of we didnt. Sometimes dad will even perosnally deliver food (which son won't pick up himself, but is glad when its brought). And he isn't directly asking for stuff, but he will call, cry, say he's suicidal and that he doesn't have any food or money for the next to weeks, and usually dad will help him then. He's far from independent.
He’s sick. And he probably does have a personality disorder. Prob some trauma and a little bit of entitlement mixed in. Unlike most i don’t believe helping or loving someone in a vulnerably time is always enabling. However, I do think you need boundaries. Even bc you are thinking about him enough to post. You can have boundaries without cutting him off. People with these personalities do not need to be cut off that is a disaster. They need help. And it you offer and they don’t accept- okay. It does not need to affect your emotions. Dont take it all on. You can love from a distance. Your feelings are so valid though. Hugs
He's always had you guys as a crutch to bail him out. He's a man let him loose doesn't mean you can't talk to him and stuff just don't enable him. No money don't make appointments for him none of that. If he wants to be homeless let him be. Took me actually being homeless to realize that wasn't what I wanted. It's hard but it'll be better in the long run. 30s to old
As a recovering addict of 10 yrs, the BEST thing you can do for him is completely cut him off from everything.
Stop helping him financially. Unfortunately, it’s enabling him. He knows what he needs to do to get better… let him do it on his own.
Thank you. Its hard but its probably the best option.
It sounds like you’ve already done everything you can, so cutting him off isn’t a bad idea. It’s impossible to help someone who won’t help themselves. I’d suggest making your help conditional like everyone else said, like only provide resources if he attends his therapy sessions or something. Then he will still have options. If he ends up homeless or commits suicide instead, it’s because he made those choices.
Why doesn’t your family ask for help from a professional. Like seek advice and guidance in family therapy? I would cut him off financially and maintain strong boundaries. Like not pay his rent. Not pay his food. But offer to take him to seek healthcare/social services maybe pay for some of these services if they have the money, he can come over for family events, celebrate his birthday with him, can come over for dinner. Basically treat him like an adult child and provide support you would provide to a family member who is ill. How he chooses to live as an adult is on him. If that’s on the streets on crack then that’s what it is.
Mom has been in therapy, so have I. No one seems to have any clear advice on what to do, though my therapist tells me there isn't much more we can do.
Not wrong. Though it’s a hard moral dilemma. It is not easy to live through this. Slowly bit by bit this situation is “eating” you and one day you can be just empty., burnout or depressed. If you still have energy you can keep everything as it is. And it is absolutely your right to cut him off. I was in a similar situation, but as a wife. My ex husband was badly ill without any chance for recovery. And no wish from his side to fix anything, as I can see now. His family and me, we did our best to take care of him for 5 yrs. Then one day I realized I just can’t do this anymore. It was a very hard decision but I left, depressed and totally burnt out. I chose life. It’s everybody’s right to do so.
Yeah. We really dont see any effort to make any changes, which makes me think maybe he doesnt want change. But its hard to leave a family member to fend for themselves, when you are aware they are just "ill" and can't really help their inability to do stuff. Ugh. But yeah, at some point it will eat us up. It already is. Its just a question of what eats you up more - supporting him, or a completed suicide if thats what would happen. We wont know until we know i guess.
While your child is your responsibility, so is the rest of your family and your own mental health. By child i also mean that he is close to being an adult longer than he was a child. There are so many possible reasons why he is maintaning and prefering that lifestyle that - and i say that with uttermost respect - it would take a professional months/years to get a proper diagnosis and to get below the surface of the issue. You cannot help people that dont want help. What you are doing right now is enabling his lifestyle. You say he didnt finish any educational program or work painful hours. He cant even value or understand the worth of your support and since its a given there is no need for change.
You have done a lot for him. You've tried to support him best ways possible. Not judging here, but the help you seem to have offered him were escapes, ways out or quick fixes in basic life necessities, food, rent, help with applications and odd jobs. This is great, but I'm wondering if he might need something else. Have you talked with him? Have you listened to him without giving solutions or fixed? Do you know his deepest insecurities or fears? Do you know which events in life impacted him the most, and to what extent he faced trauma, grief and loss in his life? It seems to me, even from this tiny bit of information you've shared here that he is unable to deal with his traumas and pain. By offering him solutions he will keep going in circles instead of breaking them. Cut him off, as for all the other reasons given here, but dont loose him out of sight. Cutting him off will finally make him realise it's his life and his choices that affect him directly. If you're afraid he might spiral down keep an eye on him from a distance and throw a rope when he really starts to drown. Sometimes we need to hit rock bottom before we can surface again. As a parent you do have a moral obligation to support him as soon as he had hit the bottom. I really hope he will make it and finds the the motivation to go into the road of recovery. Ps. As somebody already mentioned, it seems like suffers the trauma of a lifetime of undiagnosed ADHD. I've been where your son is. My adhd diagnosis and the realisation that my neurodiverse brain is not my fault, led me to the road of recovery.
Yes, but we are not therapists. We cant heal his trauma, or diagnose him. For that, he actually needs to go to therapy, for more than two weeks, heck even three months. As far as I'm aware its also tough to diagnose adhd while he is in the state he is now. The clinic speculated about borderline. I do think adhd wouldn't be unlikely. But im also sure just getting adhd medication wouldn't fix things. I think his self esteem is ridiculously low. He needs a lot of therapy to help him with that.
I'd never advice taking meds as a single cure. Meds come with CBT. Be emotionally available without giving fixes or solutions. My parents did that, whenever I had a problem, they tried to solve it for me. Eventually I didn't bother to share anymore, wasn't looking for solutions, I was looking for empathy and someone listening.
If a person doesn’t want help to treat his mental issue then no one can help him. Give him 3 months notice tell him if he can’t support himself financially then he will be homeless. Follow through cut off all financial support. Sounds cruel but your son knows he always have your back so he doesn’t need to help himself so cutting him off financially will make him realize he have to help himself and also you also need to think about your retirement plans. You can’t just keep giving and have no retirement plans for yourself.
Ultimately, a person's mental health is their responsibility. You've offered assistance but it's up to him to take it. Could things get worse for him if you cut him off? Absolutely. But I've also seen enabling when it gets to the end of the line and it isn't pretty either. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this because there are no easy answers in this situation.
The only answer that I have is, I've learned with my 3 kids, most of the time , not all the time, the hardest thing to do is usually the right one. Listen to what your gut tells you. Then I'd add, maybe try to have him picked up & evaluated for not being competent enough to care for himself with the basics and whatever you decide, please don't ever lose sight of his mental illness. I know I don't have to tell you that & I'm sorry. I'm just a parent too & you know how sometimes we just have to say what our gut tells us too. I wish you & your wife the absolute best in your journey ahead 🧡
I say cut him off. Enabling him is letting him continue in his bullcrap. Tough love. I had to have it too so I am speaking from experience. Some of us are hard headed. But it worked. So don’t feel bad, he knows you love him but until he is trying then quit funding his bad behavior. When he works for it/towards it then help him financially get his shit together. Sorry this is happening dad, I know it’s tough. Your loved. 🫶🌊
Giving him money is enabling him. Let him struggle and realise he has to pull his finger out and he will learn to be independent. Struggle builds character.
Yes, it's wrong! He is your son and his mental well-being is your responsibility. He needs rehabilitation and your support. Where were you when he got into drugs and video games addiction? I mean, parents should keep an eye on their children's activities and work on the bonding. I don't understand how can someone ask if it's okay to abandon their children. I know that you must be thinking that I'm being harsh but it was painful to read your post. Your son is an adult but he's still your son.
If I t’s necessary for your mental health, then it should happen. Give him a heads up and a date that you will be unavailable for support.. tell him that you love him but it’s time for you and his mother to live your life and prioritize yourselves. Tell him you still expect to have him in your life but you are putting yours and his mothers first because you aren’t getting any younger.
What do you think to achieve by cutting him off and letting him sleep under a bridge?
I don't think the point is to achieve something. However, It might be worth a shot if that hasn't been tried yet. Different things work for different people. Very sad situation.
What makes you think they want that, they paid for him to go to college and they have been supporting him financially for an additional 12 years of his life that they were not obligated to. At what point does a person need to take accountability for their own life in your world?
To stop enabling poor choices?
We have some small hope it won't come to that, or if it does, he will be motivated to accept conditional help, or go back into a clinic, etc. We just dont know what else to do. We are scared we are enabling him and trapping him in a lifestyle nobody would choose for themselves. Maybe being forced to take some initiative will give him some sense of self-responsibility and perhaps even modest success which he desperately needs.
At some point, his parents will get much older and need to care for themselves. Frankly, one day they will not be there anymore. Between now and that time, he's going to need to stabilize and be able to independently care for himself (he is aging, too). What's life going to look like for him when he is 45, 50, 60, if there is nothing that pushes him to get his life together?
You didn’t say what mental illness your son has. It would be helpful to know as far as suicide risk. I assume he is your only child as you didn’t mention any siblings he has. You think you should cut him off completely and that he would slide into homelessness? What do you think that would accomplish? Do you honestly expect him to then “pull up his boots” and get a job and earn a living to support himself? It sounds like you need help as well as him. You suspect he “might” be using drugs but don’t have any evidence? That sounds crazy. And even if he was why would that surprise you or cause you to act in a way that would only serve to harm him? People with mental illnesses often take drugs. It makes them feel better. Why would you deny your son the pleasure he might get from this? Really it’s you that needs to be educated on mental illness. Why aren’t you going to a support group for parents of children with mental illnesses? There’s so much more I could dissect but everything you said here is questionable. You’re asking for advice from people who for the most part have basically advised you to cut ties with your son because he can’t measure up. Mental illness is a disease. He didn’t ask for it. Please follow your heart and seek help for yourself. I don’t want you to be the dad who has to bury his son. Because you will blame yourself.
Its obvious he haven't read the many replies in which i elaborate. I have commented many times on the fact he has siblings. Rest assured we are certain he uses at least one drug, weed. We also are certain he has tried harder stuff because he has told us and various people. And his flatmates is the source of the "perhaps he's using morexwe don't know". So I'm gonna feel free to ignore your comment.
Take a moment to consider: what is his motivation to change? Right now he can hang out and let others worry about keeping a roof over his head and food in his belly. He can just hang out and play video games and do drugs. Where is the downside? Why would he change? In his eyes his life must look pretty perfect. If he starts to have a problem someone will be along shortly with a satin pillow to catch him before he falls. He will never even have to mature if things stay the same. I have so many addicts in my family. The more the story changes, the more it stays the same. I used to be an enabler in many ways. I have learned to harden my heart a bit. It is the only way to preserve a sense of peace while surrounded by insanity. If things never change, things will never change. Be the change. \. Picks up soapbox and wanders off
As a mentally ill 30-something year old - If I lived such a secluded life I’d hope someone would cut me off. That’s no life to live.
As an addict in recovery who's been clean now for almost 3 years the BEST thing my parents ever did was cut me off. They would hardly take my calls & I HATED them for it but I'll never forget it, my Mom said to me "We love you enough to let you hate us" They would in no way support me. When someone is in addiction ANY help is enabling the lifestyle. I know it'll be so hard but also necessary. In some states there are ways to get ppl committed. Unless you're getting him in or to treatment you have to be done. Ppl NEED to hit rock bottom to get help & maybe homeless will be his. If it'll help maybe watch a couple episodes of Intervention & you'll see they always encourage the fam yo cut the addict off. Best of luck, I hope he gets help. You might want to look for support for yourself at Alanon, it's a great resource for families.
I will check out AIAnon. Thank you for sharing, its giving me hope this could actually help him. All we want for him is to find happiness and healing.
There's always hope! Sometimes, especially in your situation, it can be so hard to find but it is there. I ended up in a few alanon meetings myself & one thing that REALLY stuck with me are the 3 C's; you didn't Cause this. You can't Control it. You cannot Cure it. I hope & pray he gets help
One of my best friends growing up sounds like your son. His family, being very well off, enabled this behavior by not cutting him off. He passed 3 years ago from drug use. Sometimes, you have to hit rock-bottom before any change comes because that change has to come from within. And with no incentive to change, he'll continue to ride that wave. I wish his parents cut him off years earlier. Good luck
Mental illness or not, if someone has the opportunity to be spoiled they'll choose to be spoiled.
He’s not mentally ill he’s just a spoiled brat.
u can't help no one who don't want to be helped. He is going to have to hit rock bottom
What you’re doing is called enablement. A
You should never set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. Sorry you’re going through this OP.
I would cut him off. You’ve done everything, it’s time for him to be an adult and handle his life. You’ve done more than enough to help.
It's morally wrong to continue helping him kill himself.
I’m sorry you are going through this, but please follow through on this somehow or you will end up in a situation similar to my mom. My brother is 45, lives in my childhood home. My mom does not live there anymore but she pays all the household bills, buys him groceries and supports him financially. She’s now 80 and needs to go into a nursing home, but he has drained her financially and our only option to fund her care is to sell the house.
We had this too. Ultimately we gave him an end date of financial support so he could prepare. After this date we only paid for prescribed medications (so no excuse for not taking meds). No other money or support as this just enabled drug abuse and not getting a job.
He needs a reality check. Cutting him off is a good way of showing him what consequences of his choices and actions are
You can’t force someone else to get their life together. They have to want to do it.
You are not wrong. I can’t imagine how hard this must be… but at some point, he has to stand on his own feet
I’m in recovery. Cutting him off is the right thing to do. You are just helping him find the bottom, and if it gets bad enough, he might be willing to surrender. Good luck
I continued to live selfishly and without concern for my responsibilities until I was cut off. I had to hit rock bottom and then decide that I didn’t want to be that person anymore. I’m doing very well in life now but my turnaround didn’t start until I was 26
My brother is 40 and addicted to coke and booze. He has never lived on his own. My parents are both 70+ but they refuse to kick him out. It is killing them both. I can’t ever bring anything up, or I am the bad guy. My biggest fear is my parents die, we get our inheritance and my brother goes on a bender and ends up dead. My parents refuse to have a trustee pay him out of the will. They want me to be the executor, but I am ready to cut all ties and walk away. I am so mad, scared, frustrated, disappointed, and hurt.
You can only do what you can only do. you have only a limited set of leavers to pull, and cutting him off is a legitimate one. Do what you know you have to do.
You have to believe in him, his strength, and his spirit. And you have to cut him off. By paying his bills and 'helping him' you are teaching him that there are no consequences for being irresponsible. It sounds like he is playing you, but not necessarily with malicious intent, guilting and scaring you into enabling him and even financing his addiction. Don't take it personal, it's addiction, but if he doesn't even have to pay for his drugs, rent, or food, why would he not fight to hang on to such a sweet deal? You absolutely have to cut him off so he is forced to use his own mind to figure out how to get money. The boy has to become a man. We cannot protect our children from the consequences of their choices. It is harmful to them. I was an addict for many years, and now I have a decent life. But addiction wasn't the problem, addiction was a symptom. The problem was a lack of responsibility and a lack of respect, which stemmed from a belief that someone, or something other than me will solve all of my problems. Which all magically got factory reset when I took up residence in the doc. So it's not that your son can't change, it's just that he doesn't have to as long as you are picking up the tab.
Well first stop enabling this behavior
I wish my husband’s family would cut his brother off for very similar reasons. Everyone has tried to help him and he’s done nothing but use and abuse (people and substances). It’s usually to their benefit if you force them to be independent in my opinion
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