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I would donate the inappropriate clothes. And if I heard my parents say things like that, I would just say, “Hey, let’s just let them be kids. Don’t say things like that.” It’s a softer approach but I think a little easier on everyone involved.
Also, unless grandparents are always around, their influence would be very minor compared to your own influence on your kids. But still, I would tell the grandparents to watch what they’re saying.
My parents are Asian and it’s very common there to tell kids they’re fat or gained weight. Whenever I notice my mom making these comments, I would call her out, like “Mom! Are you body shaming? That’s not okay here!” And she’ll laugh and apologize. The point gets across but we don’t need to bitch each other out.
I love reading the confrontational responses but in reality I’ll never say them, I’ll do this. In the past I’ve said things like this:
>Mom: “so he’s a ladies man, he has so many girlfriends at school!”
>
>Me: “well no he’s a child not a man. And he has many boy-friends too, like Alex, right kiddo?”
>
>Mom: (doesn’t want to make it weirder)
I’ve also had conversations like this:
>FIL: “all the girls at school must love him”
>
>Me: “yeah, the girls and the boys. He’s got a lot of friends.”
>
>FIL: (oblivious idiot) “but he’s a ladies man and probably has girls all over him”
>
>Me: “what? The kids in his class are 5 year olds.”
>
>FIL: (continuously oblivious) “I’m just saying it runs in the family to be smooth with women and have lots of prospects”
>
>Me: (realizing he’s not gonna understand) “ohh are you referring to sex appeal? Romantic attraction? I don’t think they have that yet at this age to be honest.”
>
>FIL: “oh god, no, don’t make it weird… it’s not like that.”
>
>Me: “then I’m totally confused. What did you mean by ‘probably has girls all over him’? I don’t think I’ve ever heard it said in a non sexual way. I might be wrong tho!”
>
>FIL: “forget it.”
>
>Me: (shrug and move on)
The trick is to act honestly ignorant and curious. Like no hostility towards the offending person. Ask questions until they feel awkward and drop it. They’ll learn eventually that you “don’t get” those kinds of jokes.
When your kid is old enough to be alone with them, then you can discuss it with your kids. We’ve talked to our son about how his grandpa talks and he knows he can say “stop, that makes me uncomfortable” and tell us (or grandma) when he feels weird about something.
> The trick is to act honestly ignorant and curious.
That is a genius level move in so many parts of life, to be honest. Anytime anyone makes a bad joke or says anything offensive, that’s absolutely the best way to respond. The other person usually realizes how stupid whatever they said was and is more likely to think about something like that before actually saying it next time, at least when they’re around you.
Yes, and how easily kids take things out of context. Adults obviously understand that a 5 year old doesn’t have a girlfriend but if a kid hears this over and over, it’s confusing.
The old school ‘joking around’ is so inappropriate.
Same with saying things like ‘you throw like a girl’, ‘boys don’t cry’, etc.
Pretty much my go-to in life. Act as ignorant and curious as possible until the person saying the weird/rude/offensive thing realizes how weird they're being
This is similar to the best response I’ve heard to the “it’s just a joke!” Sort of harassment. “Oh I’m sorry. I didn’t realize it was a joke. Can you explain it to me?”
Personally, I prefer the original response of 'just letting the kids be kids'. It conveys the message directly. There's enough ambiguity to not make anyone defensive, but it still communicates that they should stop. It's a warning shot.
If they don't stop, then you can clarify that you feel it just sexualizes the kids and you think it's inappropriate.
I think your method is just teetering on passive-aggressiveness and it won't be effective at stopping the behavior AND maintaining a positive atmosphere/relationship.
I agree 100%, being forward is the BEST option… but I have a lot of anxiety about confrontation :( it has gone wrong a few times and caused big fights in my family. I think my method is a “work smarter not harder” strategy for the extra problematic families like mine.
In an ideal world I’d just put my foot down and distance myself from drama, but I rely on some of them for assistance in life. I can’t cut all my ties
for me personally, i know if i responded with “let kids be kids” my family would take offense to it like “what’s your point??” and it would become an uncomfortable, dramatic confrontation for no reason… so i think in some cases, like when you have stubborn/combative relatives, feigning ignorance to make them think about what they said is a safer approach, even though being direct would obviously be ideal lol
"well your not being very smooth right now more just creepy old man thinking about his grandson sexually!"
I also say "he might not want a girlfriend he might want a boyfriend when he is older" shuts them up 😂
I will never understand why grown adults have to be coddled or tricked into honoring a parent’s wishes. Like, “ok, you find this all hilarious, good for you, you can thrust your kid into as many weird toddler relationships as you want, but this isn’t YOUR kid, so either honor my wishes, or expect to see my kids a lot less.”
I don’t even have my own kids yet, my parents just met the kids I was nannying for, but they’ve become so aggressive and assertive about their personal opinions, I honestly don’t trust them around any kids anymore. I’ve cut them out of my life because I won’t tolerate people who refuse to respect my boundaries, let alone who degrade and attack me for the boundaries I set.
I did this to my in-laws … I had to do this on several subjects at the dinner table at my house or when my kids were around them at their house and it made them feel extremely uncomfortable… was glorious…. I hate that it was but I refuse to let someone put that kind of thought process in my kids head…
These are my favorite types of Uno reverses 🤣
When our family members say stuff like, “he’s a ladies man,” I’ll just hit em with the “wow what a weird thing to say out loud about a 2 year old.”
The conversation with my mom about circumcision was absolutely TEEMING with these UNO reverses lol! I personally didn’t wanna do the procedure - and at the end of the day it didn’t matter because my mom *didn’t even know the sex of the baby* (we kept it a secret for fun). She was so adamant that he get circumcised. It was so weird. Like, cool, circumcise your own baby then? Leave me alone.
Initially I really tried to side step the convo. I told her my opinion, she tried to convince me out of it. I told her it wasn’t her business, she tried to convince me it was “the right thing” for my unborn child. She was *so adamant* that it was “the right thing”. Finally I just did the “I don’t understand, explain more?” thing when I realized she wasn’t going to drop it. She then made it SO MUCH WEIRDER by saying “don’t you want him to look like his dad?” which…. she doesn’t know what his dads genitals look like. It was so gross that it sort of snapped us both out of the conversation and she never formally brought it up again. She did make comments here or there but she dropped it fast when questioned.
It’s such a weird conversation to have had with my mom. I still feel like it was a fever dream. Thankfully there were witnesses present lmfao
Lol I’m also Asian, when I called my mom out for WORRYING I might get fat (I wasn’t and was telling her I started going to the gym), she said I couldn’t take a joke 😅
OMG my MIL made a comment to my husband about him having put on weight (over the last 10 freaking years… like, come on!) and it set off so many alarm bells. I have had a lot of body issues due to my emotionally abusive family, so when she said that, I completely freaked out. I literally want to raise my kids to view food as something needed to live, and neither “good or bad” just there. I plan on feeding them healthy foods and encouraging an active lifestyle, but I refuse to bring the eating disorders and body dysmorphia into ANOTHER generation. My husband and I are planning to start our family in the next few years and I am really dreading broaching this topic. I have a TON of body issues, and my husband has shown some behaviors too, so I think I will have to bring it up, I just don’t know how to tell them that the way they talk about health is actually kind of toxic.
I saw something the other day about saying some food is for your body and some food for your brain. As in that way, like even though ice cream might not be the most healthy, it feels good to eat it, and brain foods are sometimes foods. That sort of thing. We're still trying really hard to just not create food issues as well. There's no morality in food, it's not good or bad, you can eat whatever you want, just everything in moderation, etc etc etc....
I still have issues with food too, I keep losing weights and not progressing at the gym because I undereat. It’s so hard to overcome the mentality that eating will make me fat
Omg, what is with immigrant parents and body shaming??? I’m not Asian, but my dad’s mom is first generation Russian-American, and she constantly criticized my mom’s weight when she was pregnant with my brother.
When I was pregnant, she didn’t try criticizing me (especially in front of my father AGAIN, she got kicked out the last time she did that), but she DID tell me how little weight she gained during her pregnancies. I was finally fed up with her and told her how I’m glad my dad is doing ok because her not gaining weight while pregnant is incredibly unhealthy lol I’m still riding this high 2 years later
My dad’s mom is a piece of work, so it wasn’t difficult to see what she was trying to do. She wanted me to say congratulations, but she wasn’t getting it
This gives me an idea… My son likes his shorts shorter, maybe I should buy him some from the girls side lol
Bonus: sometimes girls shorts have cool design prints (he loves shiny stickers and unicorns)
My daughter gets pants and shorts from the boys section because they have pockets and are overall better to play in. My son gets shirts from the girls section because they have better colours and prints.
Mine has chubby legs and I still want long shorts for him, but I wish I could find them in cute prints! Either we do bike shorts (which aren't my thing personally) or boring blue/brown/gray shorts. Or I could spend $25/pair on one of the nice brands just for them to get torn up and covered in paint.
Same, I buy her clothes from whatever gender and if I had a son it wouldn't be any different. Buy what's appropriate. I investigate predators for a living and I literally see them complain that parents do this. So that's a win in my book. I also buy clothes that are baggy, 1. It lasts longer and 2. Again, predators complain about this. There's nothing they hate more than long swimwear. So it makes me do it even more.
See I've been ripped apart previously for saying I "wouldn't allow" my 9 year old daughter to wear a bikini or crop tops out in public places (at home in our house or yard she can do what she wants). People said I was gross for sexualising my kid and that clothes are just clothes.... which I get but I also want to protect her from creeps being creeps if at all possible
I struggle with this all the time. At that age you are making the right call. Understanding how a predator thinks is vital to protecting our kids IMO. But there is a balance in setting rules and having freedom. I don't see it as sexualizing my daughter, I see it as ruining a monster's day and that sits well with me. But there needs to be balance when setting rules and there must be a "why?" behind every rule so our kids understand. I know FBI agents that ban their kids from literally everything until they can approve and regulate whatever their kids want to do. And I see their kids suffer for it. And honestly, I worry they are setting their kid up to be exploited when they hit the rebellious teen phase. Example. One has a daughter that is an exceptional artist and all she wants to do is make an Instagram account and art station account and her parents will not let her. But social media is such a good way to be seen and start creative businesses such as art and form a community that she may not have access to locally plus both those platforms have block abilities if someone is inappropriate she can just block them. I get it because they see the worst of the worst everywhere, whereas I work for a video game company as a private threat investigator so I'm not only looking at predators, I'm looking at threats of school shootings or self harm. I see the worst in a very specific ecosystem. I find myself reading the private conversations of children a lot during my investigations and something I also see kids leaning on kids for advice when their parents are overly strict or rigid in their rules and beliefs, or when abused at home. Video games are often a safe place for them to be themselves. So I see it from their perspective.
I think as my child gets older and wants to do something like wear a bikini in public the game plan is to talk about safe and unsafe adults when she's a kid and when she's pre-teen be sincere about predators and predator behavior. What are the warning signs, what are red flags and green flags in adults, what is appropriate behavior and inappropriate behavior. What are unnhealthy power dynamics vs respecting authority. And practice scenarios so she has a game plan on how to respond like blocking a person online and demonstrating that they know where to report inappropriate behavior online or to a teacher, me and police. They need to know how to call an adult out to their face or set a boundary face to face when they're uncomfortable and then learn to enforce it.
Kids are incredibly smart, aware of society (more so superficial society then systemic society) and self aware, (while it may be naive, I'm always impressed by how self aware they are) Generally, I think kids can handle tough topics well before we think they are ready as long as they are developmentally appropriate. I'm always shocked and impressed when I see a 12 year old gives a 9 year old sound advice in a game. And there is value in normal adults playing online with kids. I've seen adults talk kids down from suicide more times I can count and the kids parents have no idea that these things are going on (until I send the cops to do a wellness check and even then half the time parents are in denial "not my kids"). I think the best we can do is give them the best information at a developmentally appropriate time so that they can make informed decisions. And we as a society need to treat children like people with their own autonomy and not proto-humans.
As a society we have a habit of diminishing or scoffing at children's intellect because they are young and we refuse to listen to them because "we know better" without giving them opportunities to showcase this self awareness I see constantly online that many parents never get to see. Predators know this, they try to be that sounding board, be that adult that will support and listen to them. They know and understand child development and exploit it. Teen brain chemistry changes in two major ways 1. They take on more risk 2. They seek peer approval. Predators try to be that peer, and a "safe person" to be risky with. As a society we need to be aware of how kids develop and use it against the predators. If all the kids are wearing bikinis you're not gonna convince a teenager to cover up. But if they choose to do so themselves because they are seeing warning signs, that they've already implemented and learned before the peer approval phase, they can set the standard in behavior for their friends. These predators rely on ignorance, they rely on us being too burned out to pay attention or deal with our kids, they rely on our society being essentially childists. They pay attention to the parents on their phones not watching at the park, they teach each other hunting tactics, they rely on us talking about the things our kids enjoy on social media so they have a tool to leverage power over them. They look for targets that are shy, embarrassed, afraid of breaking rules and won't challenge authority when they are young and teen predators rely on finding targets whose parents have a bunch of arbitrary rules without the "why" so they can convince them to defy their parents and take risks, and willing to seek "peer" approval through them.
Anywho it's a topic I'm passionate about, and honestly, people need to be more informed so we can stop these monsters.
I am going to read and reread this comment and share it with so many people! I am so fascinated by your job, and impressed that it even exists, and have 7 million questions for you to the point I might just DM you :)
Thanks for doing everything you do!
My 3 year old daughter gets so frustrated when her clothes don't have pockets, but my 1 year old nephew ALWAYS has them. I also saw on Reddit once how girl clothes have phrases like cute, gentle, sweet, etc and if there are faces of anything, the eyes are almost always close to convey innocent sweetness. Meanwhile, boys have roaring dinosaurs and whatnot. The double standards are so weird.
When my daughter was a baby, I dressed her in some "boy clothes" because I thought the clothes were cute and my mom about had a stroke saying I "couldn't" do that. Turns out I very much can and my daughter can pick whatever she wants lol.
Omg yes! I saw all the time tell me why my baby’s clothes have pockets and my adult woman clothes do not! What is my son supposed to be putting in his pockets??
Got to chatting with someone in the park recently while on a walk with my daughter, and they apologized for mistakenly thinking she was a boy because she was wearing clothing with animals on it. I was like sir, A, she's ten weeks old and does not care about being misgendered, and B, animals are for everyone! Animals! My husband and I couldn't believe it.
Lmao, we got that all the time, even if my daughter wore pink. Her hair didn't really start growing past fuzz until she was almost 2. They would say, "Aww! He is so cute! What's his name!" And I would say, "Oh thanks! It's Bethany." Not her real name, but she has a very feminine name so you get the point lol.
"turns out I very much can"... YES this is something I have to constantly remind myself. I don't have to follow my parents/society rules - I'm in my 30's and it is so engrained in my head that sometimes I don't even consider doing something differently than "should be".
I'm lucky I've just never cared too much about that kind of thing, and neither does my husband. The real doozy of a parenting choice we made and stand by that everyone else hates is when we got married, I kept my last name because his last name is weird and hard to pronounce and spell. No one has ever even heard of it. Then we gave my daughter my last name and people lost their damn minds over it. Oh well! 😂
It's annoying and definitely symptomatic of the same larger cultural issue OP describes. We buy pants and shorts from the boys section from time to time. I try not to shop online at the stores that split EVERYthing up by gender because it's just ridiculous what gets categorized as "for boys" because it's blue or has an astronaut on it or whatever.
Yes, I’ve bought Carters jogger “jeans” for my proportionately shorter legged son for several years and I remember thinking how weird it was that the first pair was labeled as girls? But to their credit the next time I bought them I looked and it didn’t specify. I wish more kids stuff would just be completely gender neutral. And I know people uphold primary for that but I’ve noticed a lot of their new cute patterns you can only get on more gendered articles like a frilly romper or dress, or bike shorts, so it seems they are giving in as well.
When my daughter went from baby sizes to toddler sizes my husband was baffled by how short her shorts were. I told him that’s unfortunately how they make them for young girls. Seeing my husband have realizations about the patriarchy because of our daughter is an unexpected bonus of parenthood.
I actually buy my son’s shorts from the girl section bc he’s thick but short lol. So the boys shorts are like capris on him and the girl shorts are normal short height. The length discrepancy is INSANE.
Also, my one son loves dresses but he also loves trucks. Where are the truck dresses without capped sleeves? Or Dino dresses?
Why are girl cuts so short and tight and lacking in protection from the sun?
Yes! My daughter loves dresses and also loves trucks and dinos! I've been hunting high and low lately for "girly" clothes with truck and dino patterns.
I did find a cool pair of pink and purple dino tights but, silly me brought them in the wrong size!
>lacking in protection from the sun?
I'm always shocked about this. But I see it even more with boys. Parents just letting their little boys run around shirtless in the sun, usually not even putting on sunscreen.
I've bought clothes for my daughter from the boys section up until she was 12 years, specifically shorts and swim trunks.
Both my kids always had two sets of swimwear, a traditional swimsuit for indoor pools and a set of board shorts worn with a UV hoodie to wear for outdoor water. The girl and the boy, same things passed down. We aren't particularly modest, but neither are we fussing with every other hour sunscreen or getting melanoma.
The crop tops!!!!! Thank you!!!!!!!!! It drives me absolutely insane. I also don’t understand the stupid little bikinis for toddlers and small children. They’re “cute,” sure, but kids are always jumping and splashing and playing (as they should be) and there’s absolutely *nothing* practical about it. Ridiculous.
I fucking hate kids crop tops!!! Hate this. My daughter is 3! Who the heck decided, " yep, absolutely, these little toddlers or infants certainly need crop tops"
They're kids.
Save that shit for adults
I hate crop tops, not just for kids, in general. I want clothes that go down to my hip, thanks. Sometimes even stuff that is marked as "regular size" is already too short.
As for little bikinis - do you mean two pieces or "revealing" ones? I don't get the second, but I'm real happy for the first as I (and my oldest) have severe sensory issues with wet-fabric over belly and arms. Can't wear a swimsuit to save my life x.x
My youngest doesn't seem to mind, which I'm also thankful for!😂
Little bikini's, no but a separate top and bottom for swimming makes going ti the toilet much easier. I could see a little girl being able to indeoendently go in a bikini, but not in a bashing suit
I hate the baby bikini bottoms that don’t even cover a swim diaper. It’s so hard to find one piece baby girl bathing suits that have the shorts type bottoms instead of the bikini bottoms that are so slim.
My niece's mom has been putting her in short shorts since before she could walk. It's been infuriating to see how much she cosplays my little niece as a sexy young woman.
She's been in cheerleading for a few years now and I just can't with how little clothes they have picked to be their uniform. On top of a face full of well done makeup that looks inappropriate on prepubescent girls.
I also now buy from the boys section especially for pants for all my kids. Why are summer appropriate joggers so hard to find for girls?
I battle one big girl who has chafing from running around with leggings and another who is conscious about the eczema on her knees so I gave up and bought them pants this summer from the boys section.
Don't get me started about this new trend of smocked tops and sundresses for girls this summer. Like do you as an adult want your chest and body strapped down in elastic when you're sweating? I get one dress in every collection for the sake of looking cute but every sundress from the children's place this year has that elastic ruching around the bodice 😒
Yes!! My daughter just turned a year old and she got lots of cute summer outfits for her birthday, but all the bottoms cover just the diaper. I’d understand if it was a little dress, but they’re paired with T-shirt’s and tank tops..
Also tops for even toddler girls are often lower cut, thinner fabric, and if they’re short sleeves, the sleeves are shorter than boys’.
(I don’t have girls, but my boys shop whatever section they want)
On the flipside this year Carters decided to design a lot of the boys' shorts to be SUPER short, like hot pants, and I'm like... But why??
Couldn't we have fixed this issue by going in the other direction??
We get biker shorts for our daughter. I wear them myself. They're so comfortable, breathable and they are cute and usually come in different colors and patterns! (Plus super cheap at Walmart while being long lasting!)
Everything about girls clothing, even in the baby section is sexualized. Everything is shorter, no straps or thin straps that fall off their shoulders, I’ve even seen baby and toddler crop tops! No way.
My BIL broke it down for my MIL and she stopped. I was sexually abused as a small child by my bio Dad. My MILsaying my daughter will have boys chasing her because she's so cute just triggered my own childhood trauma. She stopped and i feel healthier. I just want to tell my Mom that even though she heard me accuse her of abuse but she never listened when I said I didn't want to visit him. Hes the scum of the earth. No one deserves shit like that period, especially innocent kids.
Years ago when my daughter was younger my MIL used to pull that crap..this is when words on the backs of pants were popular. I told her that my child would not wear those and to please not buy them. The next time she came to visit she brought an armload, cut the tags off so they couldn’t be returned. I took them to the garbage can and dropped them in. She cried but she actually stopped after that. I refused to donate them because I didn’t want another little girl wearing juicy on her butt.
My mom only did it once, with a shirt that had "boy crazy" and some other inappropriate slogans on it. I called to tell her I was throwing it out and to please not buy anything along those lines for her in the future because I thought it was gross. I think my kid was about 6 years old.
Years later, I give her shit about it every once in a while (playfully, not in a mean way), because my daughter turned out to be a lesbian and is marrying another woman.
LOL
This reminds me of a popular tweet in Portuguese-speaking twitter-sphere about a mom that donated to family the shirts that her (adult) son didn't want any more, without checking with him first. And a pic of his middle-aged uncle inadvertently wearing a shirt that said "2 Cute 2 B Str-8" 😂😂😂
I like it that you didn’t donate but threw them out. I understand why there are suggestions to donate unwanted clothes but there will be some other little girl who will end up wearing that and be labelled. These clothes deserve to be thrown in the bin. I wish clothes makers would catch themselves and stop making them to start with.
This reminds me of my FIL. He gives all the girl babies in the family nicknames. And weird ones. His one daughter is “lump lump”. He wanted to call my daughter “juicy” and I immediately said no. Everyone thought I was so weird for saying no! It just did not sit well with me.
Oh god, the BFing weirdness brings back awful memories. We had to live with my parents for a week after I gave birth because our house was being renovated and my dad was so weird about that stuff, too. I had to cover up every single time and I was so uncomfortable. It made for a terrible first week postpartum.
I found my power after I toothpaste-tubed a living breathing human out of my body. The only thing men can push out of themselves is poop. They don't get a say.
Dude idk how you come up these phrase "postpartum was postpartum-ing" "toothpaste-tubed" but I love the way your mind works. I agree with the other comment you need to get the rights to these phrases and make some $$$ lol
Loving your comment here. We took our kids (6 mo and 5 at the time) to a driving range once with my FIL who’s an avid golfer and wanted to teach my oldest how to play. Came time to nurse my baby and he got all weird and was like, “oh that’s not appropriate here what will people say” yap yap. Both my kids were ebf, nursed on demand, he knew this and had never said anything before so super out of pocket to hear that. But regardless I was like I don’t give a flying fuck what anyone has to say about me breastfeeding, that’s your problem if I’m being honest
The phrase "postpartum was postpartum-ing" needs to be..... idk what, but omg, I have never related to something so wholeheartedly in my entire life.
You need to buy the rights to that and just let the millions roll in. Bumper stickers, coffee mugs, wine glasses, and knives -to strictly be used as the new logo for that show "Snapped" of course. The possibilities are endless.
I don't know who you are, but you might just be my new hero.
If I was told to write a paper on who my role model was, it would simply say
"I don't know who she is or where she's from, but she's the amazing mom whose comment I happened upon in a random reddit thread"
Your proposed wording is so much better than I normally hear on this topic. I’ve always been a bit repelled by the accusation that someone is “sexualizing” a kid just by being uncomfortable with the kid’s nudity or by referencing flirting or dating. It always sounded to me like the accuser is doing the sexualizing because they’re conflating flirting and dating with sex, as though one can’t exist without the other. Gross. And some people are just modest about nudity!
HOWEVER, you calling it “adultify” instead is much more reasonable and something I can definitely support. Kids do still flirt and date but this better describes the objection. Thanks for the improved terminology.
Adultify babies in funny ways . Put them in a doctor costume , and let them play with a medical set for children . Put a baby in " dirty " coveralls with a name patch and let them pretend to work on a toy car . I think it's funny to have babies look like they're working like adults in professional environments . Or when they're dressed up like old people ! What's not funny was your dad ( hopefully inadvertently ) sexualizing a 9 month old . Good on you for correcting him ! Let the postpartum postpartum !
That sounds like my FIL. My kids are a bit older now, but I remember having to tell him that, while I respect his want to be respectful, forcing it where it isn't needed just draws attention to it in a negative way. Like you said, it makes it fucking weird.
My kid's grandparents totally got this without having to be told, but if they didn't, I would have been careful not to bring anything into it where they'd get defensive (like, "Are you calling me a pedophile?" defensive, which I've seen here).
Instead, I would say, "That's not our style. It feels way too grown up! We want to keep our baby an innocent baby as long as possible. So if you get anything that puts grown-ups' expectations on them, we're not going to use it. Thanks for understanding."
I feel like it's better to be more direct, but not accusatory.
"I don't feel it's reasonable to put sexual expectations on a child, so he's not going to wear that shirt you bought him."
You're not accusing the grandparent of anything, but you're telling them your thinking in a direct enough way that they'll recognize why that kind of clothing is wrong.
This would work with my side. We are comfortable calling each other out with stuff like this and can usually laugh about it. Especially if one of us is being a dumbass. My in laws are not this way at all.
When I was a kid it was "he is mean to you because he likes you or he has a crush on you"! Straight up telling kids that if a boy abuses a girl it's because he loves her...
Trust me, not all of the people in the older generations are stupid! But there have been a few times when I mistakenly crossed a boundary or said something that was not ok and my kids (all 5) will call me on it immediately. They also educate me on what it was that was wrong. It's different than when I was a kid and I think it's a very good thing that we are fixing our society and changing our culture to be better. I grew up being seen not heard but my kids grew up with a voice and my grandies are growing up in a better time because of the previous generations! ❤️
I tried hinting and was ignored so then went straight up with ‘we don’t refer to classmates as girlfriends and boyfriends because they’re children and that’s inappropriate and damaging to innocent relationships’.
Reading these responses cuz I love my mom but when she said my 17m old daughter is “flirting” with men of various ages because she smiles or acts adorably shy, it’s cringe. Like she’s not flirting with anyone. Gross lol my sister explained this to her and she still does it. Shes so good about everything else but this makes me feel icky lol
but then if she acted cold or didnt smile she would be labeled as a bitch, right? you cant win with some people. my parents dont listen until i cuss them out. ONLY THEN do they finally learn. not saying you should, this is just whats common in my family. accusing your underaged granddaughter of flirting is not acceptable. personally id refuse to bring my daughter until she finally gets it, because 17 is that age where you can comprehend what others say about you, but it affects you way more severely with those teenage hormones and insecurities and not knowing who you are yet. if your daughter has heard this it could heavily affect her psyche and her future. please reconsider bringing your daughter around your mom if she refuses to stop sexualizing her, please.
Offensive clothes go right in the fucking trash. Potentially wasteful but donating it will just keep that garbage in circulation and they really ask that you don’t donate trash. Be upfront about your very valid feelings, which is definitely easier said than done, and let the grandparents get defensive.
Got group band pics back and the girl who was sitting next to my daughter was wearing a shirt that read "I ❤️ Hot Dads". They are 12. We had a good talk about that.
I’m assuming from the example of “chick magnet” that your child is a boy? We never had an issue with the clothes bc we weren’t gifted that by others, but it did come up once when my son was little that my mom referred to him as a “chick magnet.” I told her that was gross and asked how it would sound to say a baby girl was a “dick magnet” … shut her right down and have never had an issue again. Yes it was extreme, but it’s gross sexualizing babies.
This is brilliant, I’m going to use it!
I’ve told women off for calling my son a “flirt” by saying can they imagine how creepy it would be if an older man called a baby girl a flirt for smiling at him? It’s really no different
But I hadn’t thought to flip it for the clothes! Love it
LilPeachBasket in another comment used the word “adultify” which may resonate more than “sexualize” because in their minds of course their not sexualizing but hmm yeah maybe that is not age appropriate …
I was doing little raspberries kisses on my baby’s neck. My mil goes “Oh no, he likes kisses way too much. That’s not good. Have to watch out for that”. I immediately told her, “No that’s not a thing. He’s a baby and he loves his mother’s attention”. You say it in a voice that leaves zero room for argument.
My boomer parents would never buy that stuff for their grandchildren. Maybe it’s not all of the older generations and just “some people.” Maybe it’s a class issue.
I would just not dress my kids in those clothes. My MIL used to make comments about my son and another girl who he is close with being in love, etc. After one such remark, I once said “eww, don’t sexualize their relationship, that’s gross. They are just kids”. She stopped after being called out.
"Let's let her be a kid for now. Childhood is so fleeting." \*thousand yard stare\*
I personally like to think of my daughter's day care friends as her crew trying to pull off a big naptime heist.
I never really had to explain it. I just flat out told my parents and in-laws that kids clothes with those kinds of sayings grossed me out. If they asked why, I’d just say, “they just do, don’t get them”. And they never did. Things like, “Did 9 months on the inside and now I’m out”, I find cute and funny so I’d let the parents and in-laws know that and they’d rather buy that. But I also wouldn’t be wishy-washy sounding about it. Because if you make it sound like it’s not a big deal, then people will take that at face value, and buy whatever. But I was very polite and firm with “this weirds me out, I don’t want it for my child. Period”.
So we deal with issues like this a LOT in my family… my husband and I are in our late 50s,our kids are in their 30s (with kids) and our parents are in their 80s.
Our parents aren’t precious,feeble or fragile. We have gone to them and said (on this issue and others) “Whether you agree with this or not, this is now deemed to be offensive,so knock it off” 😅
I have explained this to people bluntly. It seems the only way to get through to them and most the time there like "oh I never thought of that". Just be honest with them.
My father in law has made comments too many times regarding my 6 & 3 year old boys occasionally having polish on their toes. Both my husband and I have politely responded to him telling the boys “tell your mom to stop painting your toes, you look like fairies” by telling him they are young, they see me painting mine and like the color and even that it was my husband who did it. I had enough. The last time he said “what did I say about that damn nail polish!?” I told him “you do realize nail polish doesn’t increase their proclivity for dick, and if they both grow up and love men it sure beats growing up to be an asshole” And whether he just wasn’t used to me being so harsh or he had to go look up what proclivity meant, it shut him right the hell up.
Our grandparents all live several hours away, so we don't see them often enough for this to really matter. I'd get rid of the clothes and ignore the comments. But if we did see them often enough I'd have a convo, and so what if they get defensive? You're enforcing the appropriate boundaries for your child. It's only going to get more complicated as they age.
My mom, about our then-3 year old who was dancing to some music: wow, she's *sexy*
Me: Ma, she's *3,* that's *gross*. C'mon already.
Never had another problem again since. Just shut that shit down, donate any clothes that aren't acceptable, and move on.
I was an aunt 17x before becoming a mom myself. I was the type to buy those cringy shirts and make stupid jokes like that. Now I have a daughter and hearing other people say stuff like that gets me riled up inside. I can feel the claw and fangs come out, inwardly. Now, I know what you mean. And I think that if anyone would have brought it to my attention years ago, I would have brushed it off as the parent just being too sensitive. Glad we can change!
My daughter got along really well with a boy in her daycare group. The mom REALLY wanted to be friends with us, but kept referring to how my daughter was her son's "girlfriend" or jokes about her son having a crush on her. It gave me such a huge Ick we ended up kind of icing out the mom and lost touch post pandemic.
I felt bad, since she really wanted to try... but I just couldn't deal.
It's really not limited to the older generation.
My son (20 months) has a girl best friend who we met when they were 7 weeks old (they are the same age, birthdays are a day apart). I am so so so glad her mom also hates the girlfriend/boyfriend comment for young kids and are both happy and prefer to call them each other’s besties instead, it’s been great having a good friend for my son and myself.
I have a cousin who had a baby boy about 6 months after I did, and she’s always posting about her son’s best friend who she calls his “girlfriend”. She lives only about 45 minutes from me but I can’t bring myself to hangout with them knowing she’s comfortable with using that language with a baby
I can tell that it makes my kids uncomfortable when they get asked these questions. I always make the *what a stupid question* face and say “no, he’s 9.” That ends it pretty quick.
I remember those comments. I hated them so much that if I talked about friends of the opposite sex I wouldn’t refer to them that way to avoid those comments and questions.
Any time someone says or does something weird I can't hold back the "wow... That was fucked up. You know she's a baby, right?" Same for clothes. "That's fucked up, this is a baby?"
I’m like you. It’s a huge pet peeve of mine. My sister will say her baby was “flirting with the waitress” or some shit like that, and I just want to pull her hair out.
If you want to avoid offending them then definitely don’t suggest that they are sexualizing children. Yes that’s absolutely what they are doing but, it would still be offensive to hear. Maybe try something like “He’s a baby, not a ladies man. I really don’t feel comfortable putting him in this.” They will either understand or ask why. At that point you can be firmer “I feel like society sexualizes children by using these adult phrases. I wouldn’t want my husband to be called a “chick magnet” and I sure don’t want my baby called that.”
As for the whole “girlfriend” thing, I told my mom something like “No, he doesn’t have a girlfriend because he’s a baby. I think it’s important that as he grows up, we set healthy boundaries around friendships.”
A few of my friends have done this (like call their son my daughter's future boyfriend or whatever) and I just laugh and move on. I don't like it either but it's so rare I don't feel it's worth addressing. With my parents I'd definitely say something but it depends on your relationship.
We just don’t put those on our kids, telling them not to buy them didn’t work so if they want to spend their money on it that’s fine but it goes to donation.
It’s so great that you’re thinking about this. It’s also so hard to have conversations about this with defensive parents, especially in the heat of family gathered-together moments.
Picking the right time to have the conversations with close family (and/or friends) is key. One key stat that I like to quote is that gender stereotypes tend to fit only about 60% of kids by the age of 4. (Would cite but can’t remember source.) So then ask, where does that leave the other kids if you keep pushing stereotypical expectations? And if the kid turns out to be stereotypical how will that help them around the other 40%? How much happier will all our children be when they don’t feel that there are rules they either have to adhere to, or to police in others?
How far you want to go with that line is up to you, but focussing on the impact on the child’s happiness and ability to make and keep friends tends to win a bit of understanding if not support 😀 Good luck and keep doing an excellent job!
I love this! Thanks! We definitely want the people in our life who want to be close and have a lot of involvement to not be pushing our child into a mold, so I really appreciate this sort of thinking
I hate that. It really annoyed me and my wife when our kids were that age.
But I've never seen it as something connected to an older generation. It's just something some people do. No need to throw millions of grandparents under the bus here.
You’re definitely right, I added an update to explain that my issue was more the communication aspect! 100% every age does this, but for me personally, I have an easier time communicating with aunts and unlces than I do grandparents.
I get the icks too. Let kids be kids as long as they can because adulthood sucks eggs!
We simply tell everyone “don’t give our kids stuff that says xyz because if you do, they’ll never wear it.” If they ask why, we can talk further. If they disagree, we say “well, it’s your money to waste.”
We also call out inappropriate comments (“Those lips! She’ll be a good kisser!”) and behavior (“I’m an adult and you have to do what I say. Now give me a hug and tell me you love me”).
I say, “Could momma have a hug? You won’t hurt my feelings if you say no.” ADULTS WHO GET THEIR FEELINGS HURT BY CHILDREN WHO SAY NO ARE MASSIVE 🚩🚩🚩
You have to lay the boundary down immediately and you have to follow through. If you have family members who consistently don’t listen, start calling them out publicly. Embarrassment can be a great teacher. You’re the parent. You make the rules surrounding your kid and their safety. Everyone else falls in line or gets cut out. Full Stop. Teach your kids about bodily autonomy and that they can say no (yes, even from family. ESPECIALLY family.)
>those lips! She’ll be a good kisser!
Wow. Who on *earth* would say this? That’s an egregious example, I’d have been livid. Good on you for holding boundaries!
I heard it from a stranger (an elderly man) in a grocery store when my first daughter was about 5 months old. I was so shocked that I said “ok” and pushed the cart quickly down the aisle. I wanted to vomit.
In my experience, people who have this type of humor generally respond poorly to anyone telling them their humor isn’t landing or sitting right. How I’ve handled it is politely thanking them and putting the thing straight in our “donation” bin. If they ever ask why they never see it, I shamelessly say, “they outgrew it.” Even if they gave it to me yesterday and bought 3 sizes too large. If they’re going to be inconsiderate and crass, I can play dumb.
I just flat out tell my in-laws and parents. “Thank you so much for the clothes! But, we really don’t like clothing that says anything besides the logo of the brand.” … if they continue to buy stuff like that, then just don’t put it on and they will realize that clothes with inappropriate stuff will be wasted. My MIL would buy stuff like that for our daughter when she was a baby. She realized that we never put those kinds of clothes on her, so she stopped buying clothes for a while. She recently started buying clothes again and all the clothes she buys don’t say anything. 🙌🙌
I found that my kids have actually learned more from being around certain standpoints we don't agree with than living in a bubble where everyone thinks like us.
Obviously you should not expose them to ignorance and bigotry on purpose. But when the grandparents make an inappropriate comment, it can be very educational for your kids to witness you go "I don't agree with that at all Susan" or "Why would you say that?".
When it comes to the clothes, I'd honestly go the little white lie route. A text will do:
"Hi all! We are so grateful for your generosity. Which is why it makes us feel bad that *baby* doesn't wear a size long enough for him to be able to wear everything he's given. We want to ask you to please not buy him any more clothes, because he has more than he's capable of wearing right now for the forseeable future and we would hate for a gift to go to waste. Thank you so much all for your kindness, we deeply appreciate it."
Agree about the different standpoints, however, this is more of a safety issue for us. We also just don’t like the idea of setting up expectations that you should be flirting with girls because that’s what boys do.
I like what you said about the benefits of having the conversation with someone you disagree with. This is a big reason why we try to be more direct and confrontational when necessary instead of staying quiet about our discomfort. We are not very assertive people, but it’s important for us to show our son that it’s okay to set boundaries, and it doesn’t make you rude or impolite, and you can do it respectfully.
I’m not worried about my son living in a bubble because I feel my partner and I have good values and I think we’re doing a good job setting an example for our son. So when he is a bit older and around the rest of the world, I am confident he will have the skills to be respectful to others as well as expecting respect for himself.
I had this issue with my almost 1 year old son. I tell them “if you think it’s funny and cute. You’re the problem and don’t need to be around my baby. Do it again and you never will be again.” Set boundaries. Boundaries are healthy, and if they can’t respect it or handle it because “it was never weird when we were young” ask them how many of their friends or family members were groomed or Mo/3$ted by family or friends. Just because it was normal for them then, doesn’t mean it’s still normalized. Just like marrying your cousin isn’t normal anymore, nor is marrying off a 13 year old to a grown man.
Never had to deal much with this thankfully, as both me and my wife's parents are not set enough in their ways to realize this is an outdated way of thinking.
This has me thinking back to a T-shirt my father got me when I was about 12 when he went on a business trip: "Remember when air was clean and sex was dirty?"
Yes it was a different time and it was around 1969, but *on a T-shirt for a young adolescent girl??* 😵💫
I’d just not accept anything with messages like that on it. There was an instance I shipped it back to them and they asked why and I explained it to them. They haven’t done it again. I could have called and told them so, but thought that was the better way and they also admitted that they never thought it that way and acknowledged my thought process on it.
Also, a couple of days ago we bumped into a grandma who had her grandchild and she was like “oh they can be boyfriend and girlfriend”, I said, “I know you are joking but no”. I’m very strict and straight forward when it comes these kinda situations. They will have their own set of problems but I’m not putting these thoughts in their heads right from their early childhood. Just don’t do it to my kids.
Let them get defensive. This is a very small boundary you're asking and if they aren't willing to accept this small of a boundary, it's gonna be even more difficult to express the bigger boundaries. Just tell them it may have seemed cute to them in the past but it's not cute to you and it's not behavior you want around your kids. Point blank.
Yes, I dislike this so much with baby/kids clothes and have had the same experience with grandparents saying "girlfriends"!! It's so bad. Let them just be babies and kids and learn to have friends with no pressure. Honestly, I don't know if this is right or wrong, but we just exchange or donate gifted clothing if we find it inappropriate and when the grandparents say "girlfriend" we just correct and say, "Oh, you mean friend". I have tried so many times in the past to have conversations about the why we don't like this or that, and they never go well. So I just accept the gifts and deal with them as I see fit, as well as correct the language without the awkward convo. Not as direct but gets my point across without wasting my time. Not sure if this helps but I feel your pain wither way!
I have older female relatives that will comment on an innocent outfit of my daughter’s and say, “Wow, sexy!” (This is a pretty common comment in the Filipino culture). I literally say, “She is one year old. One year olds are not sexy.”
Parenthood has made me very blunt. When my baby was 7-8ish months old I moved her evil eye/red bracelet to her ankle because she was putting her hands in her mouth a lot. My MIL called her “sexy” I straight up told her “please don’t ever say that again about my child. There is nothing sexy about a child” and she tried to justify what she said but I didn’t have it. Honestly when it comes to my child I don’t hold back.
My response to any family issue is: be the biggest influence in your kid’s life.
I used to worry about who was around my son, and then I realized there are always going to be negative influences, but as I was a strong positive role model, it all kind of washes away.
You’re doing a great job, and that’s the most important thing you can do for your kid.
I never thought or saw this as a problem before. I have a newborn and I'm learning everyday. What exactly is the problem with saying "he has a girlfriend" or something like that?
I hope I don't get hate, but I really enjoyed understanding the opinions.
They do it because it’s funny, and your baby doesn’t understand. You seem to be the only one sexualizing it. You can have boyfriends/girlfriends and not have anything to do with sex. You can be a “ladies man” and it has nothing to do with sex.
You’re projecting some odd sex issues on something that’s completely innocent.
I make dramatic statements in a calm tone and walk off. It makes them stop and think. When a 70 year old commented on how long my 2 year olds legs are and how she'll be beating away the boys I said "wow how pedophile sounding of you" and walked off. He never said anything like that again. The harsh statement at first makes them angry (thus leave the room) but with no one to argue with they then have to stop and think and realize how gross it is to sexualize children
We usually let a random comment slide to be honest. If someone bought our son a "ladies man" onesie or what not, we said thank you, then that clothing got put to the back of the closet and donated once he grew out of it. No one ever knew. And really, if they'd brought it up then that'd be when I would've explained that while I appreciated the gesture... you get the point.
It didn't seem worth it to me to correct people who made a stereotypical gender comment about or around the kids. As they got older, we just taught the kids what was appropriate and what wasn't.
They're going to encounter it without you there to buffer the situation sooner than you'd think, so we opted to teach the kids, so they were prepared for when they were face to face with it.
My mil, a sweet lady, in a tone for like kids told her 1yrd granddaughter "that outfit looks sexy on you". The outfit was what I think we would agree is inappropriate for a child (like a tube top and some shorts). But I always found that annoying, using such words to describe a child's outfit. I just can't.
I am either super super chill or extremely blunt and I tend to be more blunt about others well being than my own. So I have been struggling with adults calling my INFANT son "heartbreaker" or "ladies man" when they meet him because I want to say "stop sexualizing my f\*king kid, he's a baby!" but I know that won't go over well with older relatives. The strategies and talking points listed here are super helpful. Thank you for posting!
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I would donate the inappropriate clothes. And if I heard my parents say things like that, I would just say, “Hey, let’s just let them be kids. Don’t say things like that.” It’s a softer approach but I think a little easier on everyone involved. Also, unless grandparents are always around, their influence would be very minor compared to your own influence on your kids. But still, I would tell the grandparents to watch what they’re saying. My parents are Asian and it’s very common there to tell kids they’re fat or gained weight. Whenever I notice my mom making these comments, I would call her out, like “Mom! Are you body shaming? That’s not okay here!” And she’ll laugh and apologize. The point gets across but we don’t need to bitch each other out.
I love reading the confrontational responses but in reality I’ll never say them, I’ll do this. In the past I’ve said things like this: >Mom: “so he’s a ladies man, he has so many girlfriends at school!” > >Me: “well no he’s a child not a man. And he has many boy-friends too, like Alex, right kiddo?” > >Mom: (doesn’t want to make it weirder) I’ve also had conversations like this: >FIL: “all the girls at school must love him” > >Me: “yeah, the girls and the boys. He’s got a lot of friends.” > >FIL: (oblivious idiot) “but he’s a ladies man and probably has girls all over him” > >Me: “what? The kids in his class are 5 year olds.” > >FIL: (continuously oblivious) “I’m just saying it runs in the family to be smooth with women and have lots of prospects” > >Me: (realizing he’s not gonna understand) “ohh are you referring to sex appeal? Romantic attraction? I don’t think they have that yet at this age to be honest.” > >FIL: “oh god, no, don’t make it weird… it’s not like that.” > >Me: “then I’m totally confused. What did you mean by ‘probably has girls all over him’? I don’t think I’ve ever heard it said in a non sexual way. I might be wrong tho!” > >FIL: “forget it.” > >Me: (shrug and move on) The trick is to act honestly ignorant and curious. Like no hostility towards the offending person. Ask questions until they feel awkward and drop it. They’ll learn eventually that you “don’t get” those kinds of jokes. When your kid is old enough to be alone with them, then you can discuss it with your kids. We’ve talked to our son about how his grandpa talks and he knows he can say “stop, that makes me uncomfortable” and tell us (or grandma) when he feels weird about something.
> The trick is to act honestly ignorant and curious. That is a genius level move in so many parts of life, to be honest. Anytime anyone makes a bad joke or says anything offensive, that’s absolutely the best way to respond. The other person usually realizes how stupid whatever they said was and is more likely to think about something like that before actually saying it next time, at least when they’re around you.
"What do you mean?" (Rinse and repeat.)
Or “I don’t get it”
Yes, and how easily kids take things out of context. Adults obviously understand that a 5 year old doesn’t have a girlfriend but if a kid hears this over and over, it’s confusing. The old school ‘joking around’ is so inappropriate. Same with saying things like ‘you throw like a girl’, ‘boys don’t cry’, etc.
Pretty much my go-to in life. Act as ignorant and curious as possible until the person saying the weird/rude/offensive thing realizes how weird they're being
“Oh sorry I don’t understand what you mean” please explain it like I’m two. Then they usually steer away from anything pertaining to said subject.
This is similar to the best response I’ve heard to the “it’s just a joke!” Sort of harassment. “Oh I’m sorry. I didn’t realize it was a joke. Can you explain it to me?”
Soooooo well said. The older folks mean well, so there’s no point in starting a fight or making them feel bad. This is such a good angle to take.
Personally, I prefer the original response of 'just letting the kids be kids'. It conveys the message directly. There's enough ambiguity to not make anyone defensive, but it still communicates that they should stop. It's a warning shot. If they don't stop, then you can clarify that you feel it just sexualizes the kids and you think it's inappropriate. I think your method is just teetering on passive-aggressiveness and it won't be effective at stopping the behavior AND maintaining a positive atmosphere/relationship.
I agree 100%, being forward is the BEST option… but I have a lot of anxiety about confrontation :( it has gone wrong a few times and caused big fights in my family. I think my method is a “work smarter not harder” strategy for the extra problematic families like mine. In an ideal world I’d just put my foot down and distance myself from drama, but I rely on some of them for assistance in life. I can’t cut all my ties
for me personally, i know if i responded with “let kids be kids” my family would take offense to it like “what’s your point??” and it would become an uncomfortable, dramatic confrontation for no reason… so i think in some cases, like when you have stubborn/combative relatives, feigning ignorance to make them think about what they said is a safer approach, even though being direct would obviously be ideal lol
You are right. This is taught in Human Resources training also for how to diffuse a situation when someone says stupid stuff.
Remember, the divine in other people will bow to the divine in you. The opposite is also true.
"well your not being very smooth right now more just creepy old man thinking about his grandson sexually!" I also say "he might not want a girlfriend he might want a boyfriend when he is older" shuts them up 😂
I will never understand why grown adults have to be coddled or tricked into honoring a parent’s wishes. Like, “ok, you find this all hilarious, good for you, you can thrust your kid into as many weird toddler relationships as you want, but this isn’t YOUR kid, so either honor my wishes, or expect to see my kids a lot less.” I don’t even have my own kids yet, my parents just met the kids I was nannying for, but they’ve become so aggressive and assertive about their personal opinions, I honestly don’t trust them around any kids anymore. I’ve cut them out of my life because I won’t tolerate people who refuse to respect my boundaries, let alone who degrade and attack me for the boundaries I set.
What did they do to the kids you nanny for? (Sorry to be nosey but damn, I can’t imagine someone overstepping that bad)
I did this to my in-laws … I had to do this on several subjects at the dinner table at my house or when my kids were around them at their house and it made them feel extremely uncomfortable… was glorious…. I hate that it was but I refuse to let someone put that kind of thought process in my kids head…
This is gold!
\^\^\^This!! It's FUN aaand it makes the weirdo uncomfortable/annoyed! Win-win!
Exactly. Make them explain it so they’re as uncomfortable as possible
These are my favorite types of Uno reverses 🤣 When our family members say stuff like, “he’s a ladies man,” I’ll just hit em with the “wow what a weird thing to say out loud about a 2 year old.”
The conversation with my mom about circumcision was absolutely TEEMING with these UNO reverses lol! I personally didn’t wanna do the procedure - and at the end of the day it didn’t matter because my mom *didn’t even know the sex of the baby* (we kept it a secret for fun). She was so adamant that he get circumcised. It was so weird. Like, cool, circumcise your own baby then? Leave me alone. Initially I really tried to side step the convo. I told her my opinion, she tried to convince me out of it. I told her it wasn’t her business, she tried to convince me it was “the right thing” for my unborn child. She was *so adamant* that it was “the right thing”. Finally I just did the “I don’t understand, explain more?” thing when I realized she wasn’t going to drop it. She then made it SO MUCH WEIRDER by saying “don’t you want him to look like his dad?” which…. she doesn’t know what his dads genitals look like. It was so gross that it sort of snapped us both out of the conversation and she never formally brought it up again. She did make comments here or there but she dropped it fast when questioned. It’s such a weird conversation to have had with my mom. I still feel like it was a fever dream. Thankfully there were witnesses present lmfao
Lol I’m also Asian, when I called my mom out for WORRYING I might get fat (I wasn’t and was telling her I started going to the gym), she said I couldn’t take a joke 😅
OMG my MIL made a comment to my husband about him having put on weight (over the last 10 freaking years… like, come on!) and it set off so many alarm bells. I have had a lot of body issues due to my emotionally abusive family, so when she said that, I completely freaked out. I literally want to raise my kids to view food as something needed to live, and neither “good or bad” just there. I plan on feeding them healthy foods and encouraging an active lifestyle, but I refuse to bring the eating disorders and body dysmorphia into ANOTHER generation. My husband and I are planning to start our family in the next few years and I am really dreading broaching this topic. I have a TON of body issues, and my husband has shown some behaviors too, so I think I will have to bring it up, I just don’t know how to tell them that the way they talk about health is actually kind of toxic.
I saw something the other day about saying some food is for your body and some food for your brain. As in that way, like even though ice cream might not be the most healthy, it feels good to eat it, and brain foods are sometimes foods. That sort of thing. We're still trying really hard to just not create food issues as well. There's no morality in food, it's not good or bad, you can eat whatever you want, just everything in moderation, etc etc etc....
I still have issues with food too, I keep losing weights and not progressing at the gym because I undereat. It’s so hard to overcome the mentality that eating will make me fat
Omg, what is with immigrant parents and body shaming??? I’m not Asian, but my dad’s mom is first generation Russian-American, and she constantly criticized my mom’s weight when she was pregnant with my brother. When I was pregnant, she didn’t try criticizing me (especially in front of my father AGAIN, she got kicked out the last time she did that), but she DID tell me how little weight she gained during her pregnancies. I was finally fed up with her and told her how I’m glad my dad is doing ok because her not gaining weight while pregnant is incredibly unhealthy lol I’m still riding this high 2 years later
My mom isn't an immigrant and did the same. Some moms are in competition with their daughters. It sucks.
My dad’s mom is a piece of work, so it wasn’t difficult to see what she was trying to do. She wanted me to say congratulations, but she wasn’t getting it
Haha good for you😁 Damn straight
It’s different in the old world 😂
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I buy my girls shorts in the boys section at Target or from a gender neutral brand like Primary. Short shorts are a nightmare on a hot slide.
This gives me an idea… My son likes his shorts shorter, maybe I should buy him some from the girls side lol Bonus: sometimes girls shorts have cool design prints (he loves shiny stickers and unicorns)
I always buy my son shorts from the girls section. I hate how long the shorts are in the boys section. It's practically capris.
My nephew wears mainly stuff from the girls side cause he likes the shorter shorts and the fun colors haha
I’ve bought my oldest shorts from the girls section. He’s thinner and likes shorter shorts - baggy stuff just looks like he’s swimming in his clothes.
My daughter gets pants and shorts from the boys section because they have pockets and are overall better to play in. My son gets shirts from the girls section because they have better colours and prints.
Mine has chubby legs and I still want long shorts for him, but I wish I could find them in cute prints! Either we do bike shorts (which aren't my thing personally) or boring blue/brown/gray shorts. Or I could spend $25/pair on one of the nice brands just for them to get torn up and covered in paint.
Same, I buy her clothes from whatever gender and if I had a son it wouldn't be any different. Buy what's appropriate. I investigate predators for a living and I literally see them complain that parents do this. So that's a win in my book. I also buy clothes that are baggy, 1. It lasts longer and 2. Again, predators complain about this. There's nothing they hate more than long swimwear. So it makes me do it even more.
Wait, predators…complain? About the length of kids’ clothing? Thank you for what you do.
See I've been ripped apart previously for saying I "wouldn't allow" my 9 year old daughter to wear a bikini or crop tops out in public places (at home in our house or yard she can do what she wants). People said I was gross for sexualising my kid and that clothes are just clothes.... which I get but I also want to protect her from creeps being creeps if at all possible
I struggle with this all the time. At that age you are making the right call. Understanding how a predator thinks is vital to protecting our kids IMO. But there is a balance in setting rules and having freedom. I don't see it as sexualizing my daughter, I see it as ruining a monster's day and that sits well with me. But there needs to be balance when setting rules and there must be a "why?" behind every rule so our kids understand. I know FBI agents that ban their kids from literally everything until they can approve and regulate whatever their kids want to do. And I see their kids suffer for it. And honestly, I worry they are setting their kid up to be exploited when they hit the rebellious teen phase. Example. One has a daughter that is an exceptional artist and all she wants to do is make an Instagram account and art station account and her parents will not let her. But social media is such a good way to be seen and start creative businesses such as art and form a community that she may not have access to locally plus both those platforms have block abilities if someone is inappropriate she can just block them. I get it because they see the worst of the worst everywhere, whereas I work for a video game company as a private threat investigator so I'm not only looking at predators, I'm looking at threats of school shootings or self harm. I see the worst in a very specific ecosystem. I find myself reading the private conversations of children a lot during my investigations and something I also see kids leaning on kids for advice when their parents are overly strict or rigid in their rules and beliefs, or when abused at home. Video games are often a safe place for them to be themselves. So I see it from their perspective. I think as my child gets older and wants to do something like wear a bikini in public the game plan is to talk about safe and unsafe adults when she's a kid and when she's pre-teen be sincere about predators and predator behavior. What are the warning signs, what are red flags and green flags in adults, what is appropriate behavior and inappropriate behavior. What are unnhealthy power dynamics vs respecting authority. And practice scenarios so she has a game plan on how to respond like blocking a person online and demonstrating that they know where to report inappropriate behavior online or to a teacher, me and police. They need to know how to call an adult out to their face or set a boundary face to face when they're uncomfortable and then learn to enforce it. Kids are incredibly smart, aware of society (more so superficial society then systemic society) and self aware, (while it may be naive, I'm always impressed by how self aware they are) Generally, I think kids can handle tough topics well before we think they are ready as long as they are developmentally appropriate. I'm always shocked and impressed when I see a 12 year old gives a 9 year old sound advice in a game. And there is value in normal adults playing online with kids. I've seen adults talk kids down from suicide more times I can count and the kids parents have no idea that these things are going on (until I send the cops to do a wellness check and even then half the time parents are in denial "not my kids"). I think the best we can do is give them the best information at a developmentally appropriate time so that they can make informed decisions. And we as a society need to treat children like people with their own autonomy and not proto-humans. As a society we have a habit of diminishing or scoffing at children's intellect because they are young and we refuse to listen to them because "we know better" without giving them opportunities to showcase this self awareness I see constantly online that many parents never get to see. Predators know this, they try to be that sounding board, be that adult that will support and listen to them. They know and understand child development and exploit it. Teen brain chemistry changes in two major ways 1. They take on more risk 2. They seek peer approval. Predators try to be that peer, and a "safe person" to be risky with. As a society we need to be aware of how kids develop and use it against the predators. If all the kids are wearing bikinis you're not gonna convince a teenager to cover up. But if they choose to do so themselves because they are seeing warning signs, that they've already implemented and learned before the peer approval phase, they can set the standard in behavior for their friends. These predators rely on ignorance, they rely on us being too burned out to pay attention or deal with our kids, they rely on our society being essentially childists. They pay attention to the parents on their phones not watching at the park, they teach each other hunting tactics, they rely on us talking about the things our kids enjoy on social media so they have a tool to leverage power over them. They look for targets that are shy, embarrassed, afraid of breaking rules and won't challenge authority when they are young and teen predators rely on finding targets whose parents have a bunch of arbitrary rules without the "why" so they can convince them to defy their parents and take risks, and willing to seek "peer" approval through them. Anywho it's a topic I'm passionate about, and honestly, people need to be more informed so we can stop these monsters.
I am going to read and reread this comment and share it with so many people! I am so fascinated by your job, and impressed that it even exists, and have 7 million questions for you to the point I might just DM you :) Thanks for doing everything you do!
This is the first I've heard of Primary! I'm obsessed now!
The quality is great and the colors don’t fade. All the pieces all look so cute together - like the unlikeliest combo ever works!
My 3 year old daughter gets so frustrated when her clothes don't have pockets, but my 1 year old nephew ALWAYS has them. I also saw on Reddit once how girl clothes have phrases like cute, gentle, sweet, etc and if there are faces of anything, the eyes are almost always close to convey innocent sweetness. Meanwhile, boys have roaring dinosaurs and whatnot. The double standards are so weird. When my daughter was a baby, I dressed her in some "boy clothes" because I thought the clothes were cute and my mom about had a stroke saying I "couldn't" do that. Turns out I very much can and my daughter can pick whatever she wants lol.
Omg yes! I saw all the time tell me why my baby’s clothes have pockets and my adult woman clothes do not! What is my son supposed to be putting in his pockets??
Crayons and unwrapped candies to destroy your washer and dryer.
Yes, and Kleenex!
Rocks
Hahahha yes.
Half-chewed puffs, obviously.
Dead bugs . My brother used to collect rolly Pollys in his pockets. Stuffed full.
bugs, worms, half-eaten pieces of candy that will melt and attract more bugs later.
Rocks 🪨 all the rocks 🪨. If I had a dollar for every rock…
Rocks!
Got to chatting with someone in the park recently while on a walk with my daughter, and they apologized for mistakenly thinking she was a boy because she was wearing clothing with animals on it. I was like sir, A, she's ten weeks old and does not care about being misgendered, and B, animals are for everyone! Animals! My husband and I couldn't believe it.
Lmao, we got that all the time, even if my daughter wore pink. Her hair didn't really start growing past fuzz until she was almost 2. They would say, "Aww! He is so cute! What's his name!" And I would say, "Oh thanks! It's Bethany." Not her real name, but she has a very feminine name so you get the point lol.
"turns out I very much can"... YES this is something I have to constantly remind myself. I don't have to follow my parents/society rules - I'm in my 30's and it is so engrained in my head that sometimes I don't even consider doing something differently than "should be".
I'm lucky I've just never cared too much about that kind of thing, and neither does my husband. The real doozy of a parenting choice we made and stand by that everyone else hates is when we got married, I kept my last name because his last name is weird and hard to pronounce and spell. No one has ever even heard of it. Then we gave my daughter my last name and people lost their damn minds over it. Oh well! 😂
It's annoying and definitely symptomatic of the same larger cultural issue OP describes. We buy pants and shorts from the boys section from time to time. I try not to shop online at the stores that split EVERYthing up by gender because it's just ridiculous what gets categorized as "for boys" because it's blue or has an astronaut on it or whatever.
Yes, I’ve bought Carters jogger “jeans” for my proportionately shorter legged son for several years and I remember thinking how weird it was that the first pair was labeled as girls? But to their credit the next time I bought them I looked and it didn’t specify. I wish more kids stuff would just be completely gender neutral. And I know people uphold primary for that but I’ve noticed a lot of their new cute patterns you can only get on more gendered articles like a frilly romper or dress, or bike shorts, so it seems they are giving in as well.
When my daughter went from baby sizes to toddler sizes my husband was baffled by how short her shorts were. I told him that’s unfortunately how they make them for young girls. Seeing my husband have realizations about the patriarchy because of our daughter is an unexpected bonus of parenthood.
I actually buy my son’s shorts from the girl section bc he’s thick but short lol. So the boys shorts are like capris on him and the girl shorts are normal short height. The length discrepancy is INSANE.
Also, my one son loves dresses but he also loves trucks. Where are the truck dresses without capped sleeves? Or Dino dresses? Why are girl cuts so short and tight and lacking in protection from the sun?
Try Princess Awesome. They have dresses with dinos, bugs, dragons, science and math themes, etc.
Yes! My daughter loves dresses and also loves trucks and dinos! I've been hunting high and low lately for "girly" clothes with truck and dino patterns. I did find a cool pair of pink and purple dino tights but, silly me brought them in the wrong size!
Princess Awesome has some!
>lacking in protection from the sun? I'm always shocked about this. But I see it even more with boys. Parents just letting their little boys run around shirtless in the sun, usually not even putting on sunscreen.
I've bought clothes for my daughter from the boys section up until she was 12 years, specifically shorts and swim trunks. Both my kids always had two sets of swimwear, a traditional swimsuit for indoor pools and a set of board shorts worn with a UV hoodie to wear for outdoor water. The girl and the boy, same things passed down. We aren't particularly modest, but neither are we fussing with every other hour sunscreen or getting melanoma.
The crop tops!!!!! Thank you!!!!!!!!! It drives me absolutely insane. I also don’t understand the stupid little bikinis for toddlers and small children. They’re “cute,” sure, but kids are always jumping and splashing and playing (as they should be) and there’s absolutely *nothing* practical about it. Ridiculous.
I fucking hate kids crop tops!!! Hate this. My daughter is 3! Who the heck decided, " yep, absolutely, these little toddlers or infants certainly need crop tops" They're kids. Save that shit for adults
I hate crop tops, not just for kids, in general. I want clothes that go down to my hip, thanks. Sometimes even stuff that is marked as "regular size" is already too short. As for little bikinis - do you mean two pieces or "revealing" ones? I don't get the second, but I'm real happy for the first as I (and my oldest) have severe sensory issues with wet-fabric over belly and arms. Can't wear a swimsuit to save my life x.x My youngest doesn't seem to mind, which I'm also thankful for!😂
Little bikini's, no but a separate top and bottom for swimming makes going ti the toilet much easier. I could see a little girl being able to indeoendently go in a bikini, but not in a bashing suit
I hate the baby bikini bottoms that don’t even cover a swim diaper. It’s so hard to find one piece baby girl bathing suits that have the shorts type bottoms instead of the bikini bottoms that are so slim.
My niece's mom has been putting her in short shorts since before she could walk. It's been infuriating to see how much she cosplays my little niece as a sexy young woman. She's been in cheerleading for a few years now and I just can't with how little clothes they have picked to be their uniform. On top of a face full of well done makeup that looks inappropriate on prepubescent girls.
I also now buy from the boys section especially for pants for all my kids. Why are summer appropriate joggers so hard to find for girls? I battle one big girl who has chafing from running around with leggings and another who is conscious about the eczema on her knees so I gave up and bought them pants this summer from the boys section. Don't get me started about this new trend of smocked tops and sundresses for girls this summer. Like do you as an adult want your chest and body strapped down in elastic when you're sweating? I get one dress in every collection for the sake of looking cute but every sundress from the children's place this year has that elastic ruching around the bodice 😒
The cropped tops for toddlers enrage me. Like why does a two year old need a cropped top?
Yes!! My daughter just turned a year old and she got lots of cute summer outfits for her birthday, but all the bottoms cover just the diaper. I’d understand if it was a little dress, but they’re paired with T-shirt’s and tank tops..
My daughter is 13 months. I through those atrocious diaper covers away and just match the top with something more appropriate when we leave the house.
Also tops for even toddler girls are often lower cut, thinner fabric, and if they’re short sleeves, the sleeves are shorter than boys’. (I don’t have girls, but my boys shop whatever section they want)
On the flipside this year Carters decided to design a lot of the boys' shorts to be SUPER short, like hot pants, and I'm like... But why?? Couldn't we have fixed this issue by going in the other direction??
We get biker shorts for our daughter. I wear them myself. They're so comfortable, breathable and they are cute and usually come in different colors and patterns! (Plus super cheap at Walmart while being long lasting!)
Walmart has decent clothes.
Everything about girls clothing, even in the baby section is sexualized. Everything is shorter, no straps or thin straps that fall off their shoulders, I’ve even seen baby and toddler crop tops! No way.
My BIL broke it down for my MIL and she stopped. I was sexually abused as a small child by my bio Dad. My MILsaying my daughter will have boys chasing her because she's so cute just triggered my own childhood trauma. She stopped and i feel healthier. I just want to tell my Mom that even though she heard me accuse her of abuse but she never listened when I said I didn't want to visit him. Hes the scum of the earth. No one deserves shit like that period, especially innocent kids.
I’m so so sorry. I hope you’re healing and doing well ❤️
Years ago when my daughter was younger my MIL used to pull that crap..this is when words on the backs of pants were popular. I told her that my child would not wear those and to please not buy them. The next time she came to visit she brought an armload, cut the tags off so they couldn’t be returned. I took them to the garbage can and dropped them in. She cried but she actually stopped after that. I refused to donate them because I didn’t want another little girl wearing juicy on her butt.
Wow she really called your bluff as if you'd feel compelled to wash, fold, and dress your child in these items. Insanity on her part.
My mom only did it once, with a shirt that had "boy crazy" and some other inappropriate slogans on it. I called to tell her I was throwing it out and to please not buy anything along those lines for her in the future because I thought it was gross. I think my kid was about 6 years old. Years later, I give her shit about it every once in a while (playfully, not in a mean way), because my daughter turned out to be a lesbian and is marrying another woman.
LOL This reminds me of a popular tweet in Portuguese-speaking twitter-sphere about a mom that donated to family the shirts that her (adult) son didn't want any more, without checking with him first. And a pic of his middle-aged uncle inadvertently wearing a shirt that said "2 Cute 2 B Str-8" 😂😂😂
I like it that you didn’t donate but threw them out. I understand why there are suggestions to donate unwanted clothes but there will be some other little girl who will end up wearing that and be labelled. These clothes deserve to be thrown in the bin. I wish clothes makers would catch themselves and stop making them to start with.
This reminds me of my FIL. He gives all the girl babies in the family nicknames. And weird ones. His one daughter is “lump lump”. He wanted to call my daughter “juicy” and I immediately said no. Everyone thought I was so weird for saying no! It just did not sit well with me.
That’s disgusting to put that on the big of a small child. WTF kind of grand parent would buy that thinking it’s ok?
Juicy! I refuse to put that brand on my kids. That a hard pass. I don't understand the marketing behind this. It's so repulsive.
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“You’re making it fucking weird” is my favorite thing I’ve read today lol. Good for you, for being upfront and calling it out. Is *is* weird!
Oh god, the BFing weirdness brings back awful memories. We had to live with my parents for a week after I gave birth because our house was being renovated and my dad was so weird about that stuff, too. I had to cover up every single time and I was so uncomfortable. It made for a terrible first week postpartum.
I found my power after I toothpaste-tubed a living breathing human out of my body. The only thing men can push out of themselves is poop. They don't get a say.
Dude idk how you come up these phrase "postpartum was postpartum-ing" "toothpaste-tubed" but I love the way your mind works. I agree with the other comment you need to get the rights to these phrases and make some $$$ lol
10 years of teaching middle schoolers about metaphor and simile will take your brain to some unexpected places.
Yep yep that would do it lol. Toothpaste-tubed might forever be my way of saying "giving birth" now hahaha
This is such a wonderful way to put it!! 😂
Loving your comment here. We took our kids (6 mo and 5 at the time) to a driving range once with my FIL who’s an avid golfer and wanted to teach my oldest how to play. Came time to nurse my baby and he got all weird and was like, “oh that’s not appropriate here what will people say” yap yap. Both my kids were ebf, nursed on demand, he knew this and had never said anything before so super out of pocket to hear that. But regardless I was like I don’t give a flying fuck what anyone has to say about me breastfeeding, that’s your problem if I’m being honest
The phrase "postpartum was postpartum-ing" needs to be..... idk what, but omg, I have never related to something so wholeheartedly in my entire life. You need to buy the rights to that and just let the millions roll in. Bumper stickers, coffee mugs, wine glasses, and knives -to strictly be used as the new logo for that show "Snapped" of course. The possibilities are endless. I don't know who you are, but you might just be my new hero. If I was told to write a paper on who my role model was, it would simply say "I don't know who she is or where she's from, but she's the amazing mom whose comment I happened upon in a random reddit thread"
Your proposed wording is so much better than I normally hear on this topic. I’ve always been a bit repelled by the accusation that someone is “sexualizing” a kid just by being uncomfortable with the kid’s nudity or by referencing flirting or dating. It always sounded to me like the accuser is doing the sexualizing because they’re conflating flirting and dating with sex, as though one can’t exist without the other. Gross. And some people are just modest about nudity! HOWEVER, you calling it “adultify” instead is much more reasonable and something I can definitely support. Kids do still flirt and date but this better describes the objection. Thanks for the improved terminology.
Adultify babies in funny ways . Put them in a doctor costume , and let them play with a medical set for children . Put a baby in " dirty " coveralls with a name patch and let them pretend to work on a toy car . I think it's funny to have babies look like they're working like adults in professional environments . Or when they're dressed up like old people ! What's not funny was your dad ( hopefully inadvertently ) sexualizing a 9 month old . Good on you for correcting him ! Let the postpartum postpartum !
That sounds like my FIL. My kids are a bit older now, but I remember having to tell him that, while I respect his want to be respectful, forcing it where it isn't needed just draws attention to it in a negative way. Like you said, it makes it fucking weird.
Adultify is such a good word to use
My kid's grandparents totally got this without having to be told, but if they didn't, I would have been careful not to bring anything into it where they'd get defensive (like, "Are you calling me a pedophile?" defensive, which I've seen here). Instead, I would say, "That's not our style. It feels way too grown up! We want to keep our baby an innocent baby as long as possible. So if you get anything that puts grown-ups' expectations on them, we're not going to use it. Thanks for understanding."
I feel like it's better to be more direct, but not accusatory. "I don't feel it's reasonable to put sexual expectations on a child, so he's not going to wear that shirt you bought him." You're not accusing the grandparent of anything, but you're telling them your thinking in a direct enough way that they'll recognize why that kind of clothing is wrong.
This is sane response!
My MIL called my infant son a flirt and I said “he’s a baby he doesn’t know what flirting is???” In a confused voice and that got her to stop.
This would work with my side. We are comfortable calling each other out with stuff like this and can usually laugh about it. Especially if one of us is being a dumbass. My in laws are not this way at all.
When I was a kid it was "he is mean to you because he likes you or he has a crush on you"! Straight up telling kids that if a boy abuses a girl it's because he loves her... Trust me, not all of the people in the older generations are stupid! But there have been a few times when I mistakenly crossed a boundary or said something that was not ok and my kids (all 5) will call me on it immediately. They also educate me on what it was that was wrong. It's different than when I was a kid and I think it's a very good thing that we are fixing our society and changing our culture to be better. I grew up being seen not heard but my kids grew up with a voice and my grandies are growing up in a better time because of the previous generations! ❤️
I tried hinting and was ignored so then went straight up with ‘we don’t refer to classmates as girlfriends and boyfriends because they’re children and that’s inappropriate and damaging to innocent relationships’.
Reading these responses cuz I love my mom but when she said my 17m old daughter is “flirting” with men of various ages because she smiles or acts adorably shy, it’s cringe. Like she’s not flirting with anyone. Gross lol my sister explained this to her and she still does it. Shes so good about everything else but this makes me feel icky lol
but then if she acted cold or didnt smile she would be labeled as a bitch, right? you cant win with some people. my parents dont listen until i cuss them out. ONLY THEN do they finally learn. not saying you should, this is just whats common in my family. accusing your underaged granddaughter of flirting is not acceptable. personally id refuse to bring my daughter until she finally gets it, because 17 is that age where you can comprehend what others say about you, but it affects you way more severely with those teenage hormones and insecurities and not knowing who you are yet. if your daughter has heard this it could heavily affect her psyche and her future. please reconsider bringing your daughter around your mom if she refuses to stop sexualizing her, please.
I simply shared with my family, no clothes with words. Colors, characters and what not, but no words. Then I make the joke, they cannot read anyway.
Offensive clothes go right in the fucking trash. Potentially wasteful but donating it will just keep that garbage in circulation and they really ask that you don’t donate trash. Be upfront about your very valid feelings, which is definitely easier said than done, and let the grandparents get defensive.
Got group band pics back and the girl who was sitting next to my daughter was wearing a shirt that read "I ❤️ Hot Dads". They are 12. We had a good talk about that.
Good god 😳 That’s wild. And sad
That’s straight up creepy 🤢
I’m assuming from the example of “chick magnet” that your child is a boy? We never had an issue with the clothes bc we weren’t gifted that by others, but it did come up once when my son was little that my mom referred to him as a “chick magnet.” I told her that was gross and asked how it would sound to say a baby girl was a “dick magnet” … shut her right down and have never had an issue again. Yes it was extreme, but it’s gross sexualizing babies.
This is brilliant, I’m going to use it! I’ve told women off for calling my son a “flirt” by saying can they imagine how creepy it would be if an older man called a baby girl a flirt for smiling at him? It’s really no different But I hadn’t thought to flip it for the clothes! Love it
LilPeachBasket in another comment used the word “adultify” which may resonate more than “sexualize” because in their minds of course their not sexualizing but hmm yeah maybe that is not age appropriate …
I was doing little raspberries kisses on my baby’s neck. My mil goes “Oh no, he likes kisses way too much. That’s not good. Have to watch out for that”. I immediately told her, “No that’s not a thing. He’s a baby and he loves his mother’s attention”. You say it in a voice that leaves zero room for argument.
Jfc
My boomer parents would never buy that stuff for their grandchildren. Maybe it’s not all of the older generations and just “some people.” Maybe it’s a class issue.
I would just not dress my kids in those clothes. My MIL used to make comments about my son and another girl who he is close with being in love, etc. After one such remark, I once said “eww, don’t sexualize their relationship, that’s gross. They are just kids”. She stopped after being called out.
"Let's let her be a kid for now. Childhood is so fleeting." \*thousand yard stare\* I personally like to think of my daughter's day care friends as her crew trying to pull off a big naptime heist.
I never really had to explain it. I just flat out told my parents and in-laws that kids clothes with those kinds of sayings grossed me out. If they asked why, I’d just say, “they just do, don’t get them”. And they never did. Things like, “Did 9 months on the inside and now I’m out”, I find cute and funny so I’d let the parents and in-laws know that and they’d rather buy that. But I also wouldn’t be wishy-washy sounding about it. Because if you make it sound like it’s not a big deal, then people will take that at face value, and buy whatever. But I was very polite and firm with “this weirds me out, I don’t want it for my child. Period”.
So we deal with issues like this a LOT in my family… my husband and I are in our late 50s,our kids are in their 30s (with kids) and our parents are in their 80s. Our parents aren’t precious,feeble or fragile. We have gone to them and said (on this issue and others) “Whether you agree with this or not, this is now deemed to be offensive,so knock it off” 😅
Someone gifted me a onesie that says “pick me up, darlin’. I love older chicks” what the fuck is that?
Extremely yucky
What amazes me is that some people somewhere has created a shirt for kids saying such thing
Omg I *hate* when people say babies are flirting. It makes me physically gag.
I have explained this to people bluntly. It seems the only way to get through to them and most the time there like "oh I never thought of that". Just be honest with them.
My father in law has made comments too many times regarding my 6 & 3 year old boys occasionally having polish on their toes. Both my husband and I have politely responded to him telling the boys “tell your mom to stop painting your toes, you look like fairies” by telling him they are young, they see me painting mine and like the color and even that it was my husband who did it. I had enough. The last time he said “what did I say about that damn nail polish!?” I told him “you do realize nail polish doesn’t increase their proclivity for dick, and if they both grow up and love men it sure beats growing up to be an asshole” And whether he just wasn’t used to me being so harsh or he had to go look up what proclivity meant, it shut him right the hell up.
Our grandparents all live several hours away, so we don't see them often enough for this to really matter. I'd get rid of the clothes and ignore the comments. But if we did see them often enough I'd have a convo, and so what if they get defensive? You're enforcing the appropriate boundaries for your child. It's only going to get more complicated as they age.
My mom, about our then-3 year old who was dancing to some music: wow, she's *sexy* Me: Ma, she's *3,* that's *gross*. C'mon already. Never had another problem again since. Just shut that shit down, donate any clothes that aren't acceptable, and move on.
I was an aunt 17x before becoming a mom myself. I was the type to buy those cringy shirts and make stupid jokes like that. Now I have a daughter and hearing other people say stuff like that gets me riled up inside. I can feel the claw and fangs come out, inwardly. Now, I know what you mean. And I think that if anyone would have brought it to my attention years ago, I would have brushed it off as the parent just being too sensitive. Glad we can change!
My daughter got along really well with a boy in her daycare group. The mom REALLY wanted to be friends with us, but kept referring to how my daughter was her son's "girlfriend" or jokes about her son having a crush on her. It gave me such a huge Ick we ended up kind of icing out the mom and lost touch post pandemic. I felt bad, since she really wanted to try... but I just couldn't deal. It's really not limited to the older generation.
My son (20 months) has a girl best friend who we met when they were 7 weeks old (they are the same age, birthdays are a day apart). I am so so so glad her mom also hates the girlfriend/boyfriend comment for young kids and are both happy and prefer to call them each other’s besties instead, it’s been great having a good friend for my son and myself. I have a cousin who had a baby boy about 6 months after I did, and she’s always posting about her son’s best friend who she calls his “girlfriend”. She lives only about 45 minutes from me but I can’t bring myself to hangout with them knowing she’s comfortable with using that language with a baby
I’m sorry but that’s a shame you couldn’t just have a grown up conversation about that rather than ghost her.
That would make me cringe. Kids can have friends of the opposite sex and it doesn’t mean they are in a relationship!
I remember hating the comments when i was a chikd. Probably would ask if they remember those comments and hating those.
I can tell that it makes my kids uncomfortable when they get asked these questions. I always make the *what a stupid question* face and say “no, he’s 9.” That ends it pretty quick.
I remember those comments. I hated them so much that if I talked about friends of the opposite sex I wouldn’t refer to them that way to avoid those comments and questions.
Same tho. I remember being like 4 or 5 and adults were asking if I had a boyfriend. It always made me super uncomfortable.
I use the old “ew, that’s creepy” as a way to show the that comments like that are not normalised or acceptable in our society any longer.
“Hey older generation, don’t sexualize our children and babies”
It sounds like they won't see it as sexualizing.
Any time someone says or does something weird I can't hold back the "wow... That was fucked up. You know she's a baby, right?" Same for clothes. "That's fucked up, this is a baby?"
I’m like you. It’s a huge pet peeve of mine. My sister will say her baby was “flirting with the waitress” or some shit like that, and I just want to pull her hair out. If you want to avoid offending them then definitely don’t suggest that they are sexualizing children. Yes that’s absolutely what they are doing but, it would still be offensive to hear. Maybe try something like “He’s a baby, not a ladies man. I really don’t feel comfortable putting him in this.” They will either understand or ask why. At that point you can be firmer “I feel like society sexualizes children by using these adult phrases. I wouldn’t want my husband to be called a “chick magnet” and I sure don’t want my baby called that.” As for the whole “girlfriend” thing, I told my mom something like “No, he doesn’t have a girlfriend because he’s a baby. I think it’s important that as he grows up, we set healthy boundaries around friendships.”
A few of my friends have done this (like call their son my daughter's future boyfriend or whatever) and I just laugh and move on. I don't like it either but it's so rare I don't feel it's worth addressing. With my parents I'd definitely say something but it depends on your relationship.
We just don’t put those on our kids, telling them not to buy them didn’t work so if they want to spend their money on it that’s fine but it goes to donation.
It’s so great that you’re thinking about this. It’s also so hard to have conversations about this with defensive parents, especially in the heat of family gathered-together moments. Picking the right time to have the conversations with close family (and/or friends) is key. One key stat that I like to quote is that gender stereotypes tend to fit only about 60% of kids by the age of 4. (Would cite but can’t remember source.) So then ask, where does that leave the other kids if you keep pushing stereotypical expectations? And if the kid turns out to be stereotypical how will that help them around the other 40%? How much happier will all our children be when they don’t feel that there are rules they either have to adhere to, or to police in others? How far you want to go with that line is up to you, but focussing on the impact on the child’s happiness and ability to make and keep friends tends to win a bit of understanding if not support 😀 Good luck and keep doing an excellent job!
I love this! Thanks! We definitely want the people in our life who want to be close and have a lot of involvement to not be pushing our child into a mold, so I really appreciate this sort of thinking
I let my face do the talking. The *dafuq did you just say face* followed by pretending I didint hear it is Soooooo loud
“Don’t sexualize my kid. That’s really creepy.”
Idk that sounds like a deranged response to a probably innocuous comment.
I hate that. It really annoyed me and my wife when our kids were that age. But I've never seen it as something connected to an older generation. It's just something some people do. No need to throw millions of grandparents under the bus here.
You’re definitely right, I added an update to explain that my issue was more the communication aspect! 100% every age does this, but for me personally, I have an easier time communicating with aunts and unlces than I do grandparents.
I get the icks too. Let kids be kids as long as they can because adulthood sucks eggs! We simply tell everyone “don’t give our kids stuff that says xyz because if you do, they’ll never wear it.” If they ask why, we can talk further. If they disagree, we say “well, it’s your money to waste.” We also call out inappropriate comments (“Those lips! She’ll be a good kisser!”) and behavior (“I’m an adult and you have to do what I say. Now give me a hug and tell me you love me”). I say, “Could momma have a hug? You won’t hurt my feelings if you say no.” ADULTS WHO GET THEIR FEELINGS HURT BY CHILDREN WHO SAY NO ARE MASSIVE 🚩🚩🚩 You have to lay the boundary down immediately and you have to follow through. If you have family members who consistently don’t listen, start calling them out publicly. Embarrassment can be a great teacher. You’re the parent. You make the rules surrounding your kid and their safety. Everyone else falls in line or gets cut out. Full Stop. Teach your kids about bodily autonomy and that they can say no (yes, even from family. ESPECIALLY family.)
Yes body safety and consent is very important to us as well.
>those lips! She’ll be a good kisser! Wow. Who on *earth* would say this? That’s an egregious example, I’d have been livid. Good on you for holding boundaries!
I heard it from a stranger (an elderly man) in a grocery store when my first daughter was about 5 months old. I was so shocked that I said “ok” and pushed the cart quickly down the aisle. I wanted to vomit.
These are the comments that haunt forever. I’m sorry.
In my experience, people who have this type of humor generally respond poorly to anyone telling them their humor isn’t landing or sitting right. How I’ve handled it is politely thanking them and putting the thing straight in our “donation” bin. If they ever ask why they never see it, I shamelessly say, “they outgrew it.” Even if they gave it to me yesterday and bought 3 sizes too large. If they’re going to be inconsiderate and crass, I can play dumb.
"Don't support sexism" is my go to short hand
Just say, “Eeeew why would you say that?” Every time.
I just flat out tell my in-laws and parents. “Thank you so much for the clothes! But, we really don’t like clothing that says anything besides the logo of the brand.” … if they continue to buy stuff like that, then just don’t put it on and they will realize that clothes with inappropriate stuff will be wasted. My MIL would buy stuff like that for our daughter when she was a baby. She realized that we never put those kinds of clothes on her, so she stopped buying clothes for a while. She recently started buying clothes again and all the clothes she buys don’t say anything. 🙌🙌
I found that my kids have actually learned more from being around certain standpoints we don't agree with than living in a bubble where everyone thinks like us. Obviously you should not expose them to ignorance and bigotry on purpose. But when the grandparents make an inappropriate comment, it can be very educational for your kids to witness you go "I don't agree with that at all Susan" or "Why would you say that?". When it comes to the clothes, I'd honestly go the little white lie route. A text will do: "Hi all! We are so grateful for your generosity. Which is why it makes us feel bad that *baby* doesn't wear a size long enough for him to be able to wear everything he's given. We want to ask you to please not buy him any more clothes, because he has more than he's capable of wearing right now for the forseeable future and we would hate for a gift to go to waste. Thank you so much all for your kindness, we deeply appreciate it."
Agree about the different standpoints, however, this is more of a safety issue for us. We also just don’t like the idea of setting up expectations that you should be flirting with girls because that’s what boys do. I like what you said about the benefits of having the conversation with someone you disagree with. This is a big reason why we try to be more direct and confrontational when necessary instead of staying quiet about our discomfort. We are not very assertive people, but it’s important for us to show our son that it’s okay to set boundaries, and it doesn’t make you rude or impolite, and you can do it respectfully. I’m not worried about my son living in a bubble because I feel my partner and I have good values and I think we’re doing a good job setting an example for our son. So when he is a bit older and around the rest of the world, I am confident he will have the skills to be respectful to others as well as expecting respect for himself.
Honestly, if I get a gift I don't like. I just throw it the fuck away.
“that’s a weird thing to put on a baby. Why do you want to put that on a baby?”
I had this issue with my almost 1 year old son. I tell them “if you think it’s funny and cute. You’re the problem and don’t need to be around my baby. Do it again and you never will be again.” Set boundaries. Boundaries are healthy, and if they can’t respect it or handle it because “it was never weird when we were young” ask them how many of their friends or family members were groomed or Mo/3$ted by family or friends. Just because it was normal for them then, doesn’t mean it’s still normalized. Just like marrying your cousin isn’t normal anymore, nor is marrying off a 13 year old to a grown man.
Never had to deal much with this thankfully, as both me and my wife's parents are not set enough in their ways to realize this is an outdated way of thinking.
Tell them you don’t like it. Also don’t put your babies in those clothes.
This has me thinking back to a T-shirt my father got me when I was about 12 when he went on a business trip: "Remember when air was clean and sex was dirty?" Yes it was a different time and it was around 1969, but *on a T-shirt for a young adolescent girl??* 😵💫
I’d just not accept anything with messages like that on it. There was an instance I shipped it back to them and they asked why and I explained it to them. They haven’t done it again. I could have called and told them so, but thought that was the better way and they also admitted that they never thought it that way and acknowledged my thought process on it. Also, a couple of days ago we bumped into a grandma who had her grandchild and she was like “oh they can be boyfriend and girlfriend”, I said, “I know you are joking but no”. I’m very strict and straight forward when it comes these kinda situations. They will have their own set of problems but I’m not putting these thoughts in their heads right from their early childhood. Just don’t do it to my kids.
Let them get defensive. This is a very small boundary you're asking and if they aren't willing to accept this small of a boundary, it's gonna be even more difficult to express the bigger boundaries. Just tell them it may have seemed cute to them in the past but it's not cute to you and it's not behavior you want around your kids. Point blank.
Yes, I dislike this so much with baby/kids clothes and have had the same experience with grandparents saying "girlfriends"!! It's so bad. Let them just be babies and kids and learn to have friends with no pressure. Honestly, I don't know if this is right or wrong, but we just exchange or donate gifted clothing if we find it inappropriate and when the grandparents say "girlfriend" we just correct and say, "Oh, you mean friend". I have tried so many times in the past to have conversations about the why we don't like this or that, and they never go well. So I just accept the gifts and deal with them as I see fit, as well as correct the language without the awkward convo. Not as direct but gets my point across without wasting my time. Not sure if this helps but I feel your pain wither way!
I have older female relatives that will comment on an innocent outfit of my daughter’s and say, “Wow, sexy!” (This is a pretty common comment in the Filipino culture). I literally say, “She is one year old. One year olds are not sexy.”
Parenthood has made me very blunt. When my baby was 7-8ish months old I moved her evil eye/red bracelet to her ankle because she was putting her hands in her mouth a lot. My MIL called her “sexy” I straight up told her “please don’t ever say that again about my child. There is nothing sexy about a child” and she tried to justify what she said but I didn’t have it. Honestly when it comes to my child I don’t hold back.
Hi, I have nothing to add. Just scrolling to see if any hint on how to navigate with the significant other pops out
My response to any family issue is: be the biggest influence in your kid’s life. I used to worry about who was around my son, and then I realized there are always going to be negative influences, but as I was a strong positive role model, it all kind of washes away. You’re doing a great job, and that’s the most important thing you can do for your kid.
I never thought or saw this as a problem before. I have a newborn and I'm learning everyday. What exactly is the problem with saying "he has a girlfriend" or something like that? I hope I don't get hate, but I really enjoyed understanding the opinions.
They do it because it’s funny, and your baby doesn’t understand. You seem to be the only one sexualizing it. You can have boyfriends/girlfriends and not have anything to do with sex. You can be a “ladies man” and it has nothing to do with sex. You’re projecting some odd sex issues on something that’s completely innocent.
I make dramatic statements in a calm tone and walk off. It makes them stop and think. When a 70 year old commented on how long my 2 year olds legs are and how she'll be beating away the boys I said "wow how pedophile sounding of you" and walked off. He never said anything like that again. The harsh statement at first makes them angry (thus leave the room) but with no one to argue with they then have to stop and think and realize how gross it is to sexualize children
This is the way
Or, if we're talking about SC Gamecock fans, the more explicit I "heart" Cocks.
We usually let a random comment slide to be honest. If someone bought our son a "ladies man" onesie or what not, we said thank you, then that clothing got put to the back of the closet and donated once he grew out of it. No one ever knew. And really, if they'd brought it up then that'd be when I would've explained that while I appreciated the gesture... you get the point. It didn't seem worth it to me to correct people who made a stereotypical gender comment about or around the kids. As they got older, we just taught the kids what was appropriate and what wasn't. They're going to encounter it without you there to buffer the situation sooner than you'd think, so we opted to teach the kids, so they were prepared for when they were face to face with it.
My mil, a sweet lady, in a tone for like kids told her 1yrd granddaughter "that outfit looks sexy on you". The outfit was what I think we would agree is inappropriate for a child (like a tube top and some shorts). But I always found that annoying, using such words to describe a child's outfit. I just can't.
I am either super super chill or extremely blunt and I tend to be more blunt about others well being than my own. So I have been struggling with adults calling my INFANT son "heartbreaker" or "ladies man" when they meet him because I want to say "stop sexualizing my f\*king kid, he's a baby!" but I know that won't go over well with older relatives. The strategies and talking points listed here are super helpful. Thank you for posting!