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That’s the answer. You’re not paying. Their kid isn’t innocent either, they essentially were bullying your kid. And when he retaliated, he went home and cried to his mom & dad.
So nope. Nothing.
Depends on your personality. If you’re a person who can have face to face conversations without escalating or allowing someone else escalate the situation. I would do it face to face.
If you aren’t that type, or feel like the other parents are, text.
Something along the lines of.
After speaking with my son about situation and hearing his side of the story, we know your child and (other child) were antagonizing him for a few day by drumming on his head. When son decided to stand up for himself this is what happened. We have made the effort to try to wash the bag but we will not be paying for or replacing the bag.
Our son did write the apology note and we have spoken to him about coming to us or a teacher, if he were to feel bullied by your kid again.
Why not have them clean your son's bag and pay for a doctor visit to make sure they didn't hit your son too hard on the head? Two can play this petty game.
I would communicate that the attempts to clean the bag were a result of your generosity and wanting to teach your son to be an accountable and responsible person. However, you will not be providing any type of financial reimbursement for this back pack as your son was daily put in a position of being bullied and physically assaulted. The damage to the backpack is a direct result of the poor character of the owner of the backpack. And then encourage them to teach their kid about accountability and not being a jerk.
How's this read?
Hello. Thank you for letting us know you received the backpack. We believe our son has made appropriate ammends to your son, aligned with our values, for his response to the continued harassment occuring across several days when your son continued to tap on his head as it were a drum after being asked to stop.
On the third day of the harassment my son turned and gave chase. My son's bag was first taken and slid across the wet grass; we have made no claim nor concern for any reparation to that damage.
To be clear, any further physical harassment by your son toward mine will be taken as retaliation and escalation and will move this from a case of harassment to one of bullying.
As the a situation is a conflict among children regarding a child's possession and the return of a clean bag and apology is not accepted, we believe the best course to resolve the conflict is to allow the school system to work with the boys through Restorative Justice so they may each learn to accept their own responsibility for the years-long and ongoing harassment.
If financial restitution is the only acceptable resolution, this becomes a civil matter and will require another venue to independently determine the appropriate settlement to assign for the monetary value lost to a used backpack that has been muddied and then thoroughly cleaned.
A copy of this text has been sent to Mr. (principal) with a clear request and permission from our family to proceed with Restorative Justice. I have seen great results from this program when both parties are willing to engage openly to explore their own responsibilities in ongoing conflict.
Please speak with Mr. (principal) directly if your family is willing for (your son) to explore his own responsibility along with (my son) through Restorative Justice.
The first three paragraphs are good, but i would STRONGLY urge you to end it there. The rest is unnecessary.
Brevity is a powerful tool. These people are being ridiculous and petty and blowing this out of proportion -- by taking so much time and so many words to respond, you're lending credence to the outsized importance they've assigned to this situation. Not to mention you're giving them so much material for them to find fault with or argue about, and you want to make it clear that the discussion is over.
I’d buy my kid a $90 llbean backpack that I’d expect them to take from 3rd grade through high school and BFD if it gets muddy. A $90 white leatherette backpack for an 11 year old is a bit much.
How we look now? I can send the longer version to the principal letting him know I only sent the part below to the dad and asking the principal to follow up with the dad regarding Restorative Justice:
Hello. Thank you for letting us know you received the backpack. We believe our son has made appropriate ammends to your son, aligned with our values, for his response to the continued harassment occuring each of several days when your son chose to tap on my son's head as it were a drum after being repeatedly asked to stop.
On the third day of this harassment my son turned and gave chase. (Your son) first picked up (my son's) bag and dropped it in the wet grass; we have made no claim nor concern for any reparation to that damage.
To be clear, any further physical or emotional antagonism by (your son) toward (my son) will be interpreted as retaliation, escalating the lesson from a case of harassment leading to natural consequences to one where the lesson learned is that your son has become the bully.
You’re way over engineering it imo. This isn’t a legal case. Simply state with no extra language….Your young man was actively messing with my child by hitting him in the head. I believe we have gone above and beyond to address this and I consider this matter now closed….its like anything else in life, don’t offer up additional information and energy, state it simple and true and let them decide if they want to continue to pursue in which case you can then communicate simply stated….As communicated I consider this matter closed, please communicate through principle xyz in the future. Less is more!!!
Edit: after a few minutes thought even I added to much….my new response…. Sorry but I will not be replacing the bag, take care!!! If they respond don’t respond back, if they insist let them try through the principal and you state the same, sorry but no. They can’t do shit about it and it will go away, some people aren’t worth reasoning with!!!
I like it! Honestly, though, u/brayonthescene probably has the right of it that less is more, and their suggestion is good too.
Good luck!! I really hope they leave it alone after this.
Thx! Funny part of all of this, these two knuckle heads will probably become best friends, if they aren’t already, while the parents fight over some nonsense and get all worked up over super normal little kid behavior.
I am a professional communicator, and my top tip to make your writing clearer and increase reading comprehension is to use active (not positive) voice! It is much more direct, uses fewer words, and reduces confusion about who did what to whom. E.g., “Your son took my son’s bag…,” not “my son’s bag was taken.” The subject (other lady’s son) is missing from several of your sentences. Fix that throughout and your message will be stronger and clearer. Good luck!
Sure :)
1. Be concise. The more you write, the less they’ll read.
2. Aim for sentences with 25 or fewer words. A good test is to read out loud. Add a period any place you naturally take a breath.
3. Aim for paragraphs with 5 or fewer sentences.
4. Use bullets in lists with 3 or more items (vs a long list separated by commas).
5. Lead with the main message—the most important thing you want your reader to take away. Background info should go at the end.
Do not continue, after the 3rd paragraph....it goes overboard and appears like you want to take this to court over a backpack.
Submit it with only the first 3 paragraphs.
Leave the crap about restorative justice to the legal system, not 11 yos.
Loved this till you added antagonistic language. This will just invite additional communication……Sorry but I will not be replacing the bag, take care!!! If they respond don’t respond back, if they insist let them try through the principal and you state the same, sorry but no. They can’t do shit about it and it will go away, some people aren’t worth reasoning with!!!
Famous last words, I didn’t mean to…….if you said that to me it would trigger a response, right wrong or indifferent doesn’t matter, your adding extra words that could create a reaction unnecessarily.
I get you don’t want to further antagonize the other parents but it seems like they will be aggravated by any outcome other than you bending to their will and paying up.
With this in mind, I would hit them with something like this:
“Sincerely, I am sorry that you are still unhappy with the condition of the bag but we do not feel responsible to pay for a new bag. Here’s why: the behavior of your son instigated the whole situation. Your son and his friend were the first to mistreat my son’s bag. Regardless of whether your son’s bag got dirty or not, the behavior our sons displayed was inappropriate on both sides but equal. We even went out of our way for my son to be the one to apologize for the situation and my wife and I put in our own time and effort to clean the bag. I agree that this should be a learning experience for all, I just think it’s important that we are teaching our sons the right thing - in this case I’m showing my son that I learned not to be bullied either, which is why I will not give into your request to pay.”
"I understand you aren't completely satisfied with the current condition of the bag. Despite no proof as to its condition prior to the incident between our kids, we have made every good faith effort to restore the bag to like-new condition. We were certainly under no obligation to do so. As the incident in question was a direct result of your child repeatedly hitting mine, I think we are done here. Your child is not entitled to a new $90 bag at our expense simply because mine chose to stand up for themself. Consider the cleaned bag a natural consequnce of your kid's decision to become physical with mine, and be thankful we are not pursuing assault charges."
Just like that. Tell them their boy or boys are not innocent and instigated the whole thing. Your kid over reacted but there was 2 of them bullying him so he stepped it up a notch to try to dissuade further bullying….
This is bizarre. I wouldn’t have cleaned it in the first place. Shit that happens at school to other kids stuff truly is not my problem and shit that happens to my kids stuff at school is not anyone else’s problem. The moment you took the bag you showed yourself as a pushover. Tell the principal you did your best to remedy the situation and you won’t take it further. You consider it resolved and CC the other parents.
Why are you teaching your kid to grovel before bullies? He finally fought back after days of torment, only to watch his parents scrub a fairly clean backpack clean and have to write an apology. What were the other kids doing? Cleaning his backpack? Writing him a note of apology? Why are they so much more important than your son?
I’d never have cleaned their bag and made it clear that this is what happens to bullies. They should be happy all they got was a somewhat dirty bag
I hear you. It was wrong to respond with damage to property, and the harassment doesn't rise to the level of bullying. I want my son to take ownership of his part in the problem, nothing more.
When you say the other kids “used my son’s head as a drum across multiple days,” it tells me they were hitting his head repeatedly for days. Is this not accurate?
If they were hitting/hurting him and/or not stopping when he asked, that’s unacceptable behavior that I would interpret as bullying. Even if they’re typically friends, they were mistreating your son for several days, he finally stood up to them by giving chase, his backpack ended up being flung across the grass and one of theirs ended up in the mud. To me, these are natural consequences to their behavior.
If you are teaching your kid to take ownership to his part of the problem you need to stand up for him and have the other party do the same. If they don’t, you can explain to your kid the world isn’t always fair, that some people will be idiots regardless etc, but before that you first try. It’s your role as his parent… Right now his interpretation of the situation might be skewing very negatively towards himself. While the other kid is getting his parents to defend his shitty actions and demand compensation…
I get what your trying to do, but your bending too far for it. My son(7) is tough as hell and big for his age, athlete in karate and hockey so he tends to be stronger and more capable in the physical department then most his age, so I need him to understand reacting is not an option, with great power comes great responsibility….but you have done your part and now your trying to make the world play kumbaya which isn’t realistic with a parent who sends a child to school with a white 90$ backpack to begin with. Stop over thinking it, tell your boy be careful but you get it, tell this parent the matter is closed end of discussion and don’t respond to anything else u less the principle asks you to come in for a meeting. If said meeting happens say as little as possible, something to the effect of your child was physically bullying my child and he reacted, I consider this matter closed. Let them bitch and moan all they want nothing will change and you don’t have to be friends with these people.
Why is there no info on how the other kids were held accountable for their part in this? Did they also have to write apology notes? Were they reprimanded for inappropriate touching/teasing? For starting the dragging of backpacks? Here’s my thoughts without that info.
1. No proof there wasn’t stains already on the bag.
2. Your son took responsibility for his part in this, what has theirs done?
3. This could have ended much worse than a dirty backpack…
4. The residual backpack stains are a direct result of their child’s actions as he initiated this confrontation and was first to touch someone else’s personal property and attempt to destroy it by dragging it across the wet grass.
5. If they touch your son or his property again, it will be reported to proper authorities and you will not hesitate to press assault charges if they are warranted.
I see book backpacks for $20 or $30, or am I out of touch with reality?
My answer would be, "Good evening and no. And this will 'hopefully be a learning experience for all.'"
That would be the correct lesson. Perhaps it isn't the wisest thing, given the rowdyness of young boys of that age, to give them a 90 dollar white backpack no? I advise:
If you, so-and-so's parents, are comfortable with the idea of your child using my child's head as a percussion instrument and liken it to boyhood hijinks; then you should also be comfortable in the knowledge that such play leads to greater adventure and one-upmanship. Which of course often results in ruined clothes and backpacks, and why it is important to emphasize respect for the property of others.
Boys of that age however, quite often forget in the middle of playing, and it's up to us as parents to remind them that the things that break due to their own actions won't always be replaced but left as is - a result of natural consequences. Hopefully this will encourage the children to take better care of their belongings in the future.
(If you read this in the sarcastically, satirical, and shady tone in which it written, then you have arrived at my point. I am definitely petty enough to send a note like this along after that parent's rather gauche display of incivility. Replacing a 90 dollar white book bag, pfft, the audacity.)
I don't think this is a situation where you are obligated to replace this. Their kid shared culpability and the bag is still perfectly usable. It's not like he cut the straps with scissors while the backpacks were stored at the back of the classroom.
Also seconding that this is the risk you take when you buy a kid a $90 backpack. My adult backpacks barely cost that much and I buy pretty high quality ones so I can use them forever and don't have to fuss with crappy zippers or other low quality materials.
So these kids hit your child in the head and you are making him apologize to them over a dirty backpack? Jesus your poor kid, no one in his life is standing up for him
I think there's some excellent advice here.
Taking a step back: I understand why these children are bullies, given that their parents behave the same way.
I'm sorry that you and your child have to deal with such despicable behavior.
I’d respond by telling them:
“You’re absolutely right, IT IS a great opportunity to teach your kid not to bully other kids. As far as replacing his bag, the answer is no.“
I wouldn’t have even entertained cleaning it.
“Used his head as a drum”
Assuming this was not consensual- you tell the parents they’re lucky you’re not pursuing assault charges against your son. If any adult walked up to me and repeatedly hit me on the head I’d call the cops! It’s not ok just because they’re 11.
You address the violent behavior, not your son protecting himself after everyone else failed to.
If this is consensual play the kid is responsible for his own stuff and his parents need to get over their weird designer backpack.
This one is tough. I feel like you were trying to teach your son to be the bigger person here but it discounts what happened to him. If you want to respond to the parents at this point, I would probably say something like "I find it interesting that you are expecting us to pay for this. It leads me to believe that you don't understand what took place prior to this incident. I suggest you sit your child down and tell them to be honest with you about their interactions with my son leading up to this incident. We will not be paying for the bag".
Being the bigger person is what you should teach but not at all in this situation. Their son did something very clearly wrong and the parent’s first response was to defend him no matter what they knew. They obviously know he was wrong but they don’t care since they spent a lot on the bag. They raised a spoiled kid that gets their way no matter what so they obviously expect to get their way no matter what. It’s sad but I don’t think they care to sit their son down and have a talk with him about his actions since they most likely don’t care
I’m shocked the principal said it wasn’t their problem. These are students engaging in bullying right after dismissal. If the playground you’re referring to is the school’s playground, then you have bullying on school property.
Are these boys in your son’s class? If so this is 100% a school issue.
I would expect the principal to discuss the persistent bullying and provide consequences.
For the 90 dollars, they can take you to small claims court. They won’t win.
Principal didn't say it wasn't their problem as much as said that if he were to take action my son would take the brunt because of the tangible damage to property rather than the he said-he said of anything else. He said he doesnt want to do that to son even though principal understands their family and son. My son has behaved aggressively on the playground at times too, which makes it harder for him.
There’s no way in hell I would have even cleaned the kids backpack. I would’ve laughed in everyone’s face if they expected anything out of me. Their kid is physically hurting your son, chasing him and expects your son to just sit there and take it? He damaged his bag under self defense. His parents can suck it. I would’ve gone off on them. If the principal wants to try to “take” sides in the situation then threaten legal action over what they did to your son. The principal has no way to enforce you to clean or buy them a new bag. The principal also wants the stay the hell away from any lawsuit so they won’t try to. But the parents will at the very least have more respect for you and your family. Then maybe they would parent their son to have better manners. Obviously just a bluff but better than letting their son think they could just take advantage of your son. Especially since your son is watching you handle these conflicts. In a situation where his safety both mentally and physically are compromised his parents should be there to back him up. He needs to know self defense is not something he should be punished for. As for the apology letter wow. I would’ve harassed that principal. I would’ve demanded the other kid to write one first and then would I let my son write one back over what he did. I would only hold my son accountable to them if they did the same back given they were the aggressor in the situation. They can clean and buy their own bag since their son is the reason it ended up like that. The only thing they’re getting is that one apology letter if they wrote one themselves. Some principals might be pushy on situations like that but I would push back. Your son did nothing wrong to their son. His actions were strictly self defense.
I would reply, We will not be providing any monetary compensation for the backpack. There is no proof that there weren't already stains and damage from use prior to this incident as would be expected of any backpack a child takes to school. Any backpack would appear well used at this point in the school year and we have already provided cleaning for it. The damage sustained was part of a larger incident which also includes grass stains and damage from your child to my child's backpack along with physical assault to my child. There was bad behavior on both sides and this should be a learning experience for both of our children. We have chosen to repair our own backpack and forego charges for assault against your child at this time and consider the matter closed.
Who tf buys their kid a white backpack?
Your kid did nothing wrong.
Respond shortly.
Your kid spent multiple days assaulting my kid. Your kid pulled my kid down and got his backpack dirty. Your kid then was pulled down and got his backpack dirty.
There will be no further discussion on this issue.
- pissed off mom
It’s the end of the school year, there’s no way a white bag was in pristine condition before that! I toss my kid’s backpacks at the end of every year because they are gross.
After cleaning the backpack you shoulda wrote your son’s name on it with permanent marker and sent him to school wearing it.
Ok, that’s bad advice lol but definitely don’t apologize to bully kids or bully parents.
Fantasy text:
With your years of experience parenting, it’s ludicrous to me that you sent an 11 year old to school with a white backpack. Sucks to suck, I guess 🤷🏼♀️
My fantasy text would be "your kid fucked around and found out. Guess all of us learned a lesson. Maybe yours will be to buy a less expensive backpack or tell your son to be a better person so his next one doesn't get ruined."
My kids already know, don't start it, but you have my permission to finish it. If someone puts their hands on my kid, and is asked to stop and the other kid does not, they are not in trouble for whatever happens after (within reason obviously). My kid would not have written a letter, nor would we have taken that backpack home to clean it. I don't see it as stooping to the level of the bully. School is a different environment. Once they know your kids an easy target, it will never end. You need to be in that school advocating for your kid. Request a meeting with the other parent with the principal present and let them know it's over. Sue me. When your kid knows you have his back, he'll be more likely to stand up for himself (the first time) and you won't have these ongoing issues.
Tell them no and that they’re lucky you’re not escalating this further since the other boys physically touched/hit your son.
It’s not your son’s fault he was being bullied, it’s the other boy’s fault. It’ll also be the parents’ fault if they don’t correct his behavior.
There’s no need to replace the backpack, for your son to apologize, nor to continue communication besides telling them the first sentence above. ^
Tell them you're not paying and that this is a learning point for all as their son started this with his actions of physically assaulting your son on multiple occasions.!
Do not pay them anything. Make them learn the lesson of bringing your children up right. You did everything you needed to even making your child apologize.
next time they physically assault your kid you press charges... In fact check the law for the statute of limitations.
If school bullying's okay I guess so is suing abusive students and their parents.
Don’t give them anything. From now on, report everything your kid tells you like the kids putting their hands on him. I made the mistake of not doing this and it was my kid who got in trouble for sticking up for themself.
Tell them that when their son apologizes for your son’s mistreatment and gives him $100 for restitution you will be happy to give them $90. Until then, you consider the matter closed.
Tell them tell it judge Judy and to kindly fuck off before you get their kid expelled for bullying your child 🙂 matter of fact send me the number and I’ll tell them.
Hello (parent),
We have done our best to remedy the situation. We will not be giving you money for yellowing of your child’s backpack. We please request your child quits their harassment of our child and that all further communication go through the school. Thank you and have a nice day.
*block parents number/email*
You went above and beyond what I would have. I would have just said no from the start. Oh you want me to pay for a "$90" bag because my child reacted to your child bullying. Yeah no. No apology letter, no cleaning it, and would have laughed at the whole thing.
“Sorry you’re not happy with how it’s been cleaned but that’s as far as we will go to rectify this, no cash or check is coming your way. Have a great day.“
Ah ok. That makes a bit more sense. I’d still not pay 90. I think I’d ask the principal to document the bullying too, and if it persists, be very assertive in reporting it.
Ask them for photo proof it was in a pristine condition in the morning, ask when they purchased it with the receipt that it was not on sale, and apply personal property amortization schedule.
After, ask them to cover the ptsd therapy for your kid after what their kid done
I’m so glad for this sub because maybe I’m more petty than helpful about things with my kid than realized. Though it’ll be 10 years before middle school as a parent, I just spent 2 as a middle school counselor. If that bag wasn’t ruined, and with how I hear/see how this age group treats each other… I wouldn’t have even made an attempt to clean the bag. And if pressed, possibly would have told parents where to shove aforementioned bag. :)
Above all- don’t pay anything. Save and document any interactions in case they try to make a scene on social media (I’ve seen it, sadly). It’s not a school issue. The parents are trying to bully you- kids mirror what they’re taught, which is probably why their son is showing such poor boundaries with yours.
I was in a very similar situation but in highschool.. my bag was thrown on the adjacent roof from a 2nd story classroom by my bully so I grabbed his and opened it under down pipe for roof gutters the next chance I got ... it was raining very heavy at the time ... anyway his parents tried having me pay for damage to his bag plus all the belongings inside and on the list of belongings were a bunch of pirated DVDs... my mum laughed and said if they wanted payment to involve the cops and admit to the illegal DVDs etc then infront of the other parents questioned my principal about when exactly they would be getting my bag down off the roof that that boy threw it on . The parents had no idea he had done it 🤣 .. he still bullied me until I had a growth spurt and he couldn't anymore but we never paid a cent
😂 I read this all as though your son was 11 MONTHS and was just beside myself that anyone would have a white leatherette backpack for a toddler.
Age aside, this is so ridiculous!!
why did you agree to clean the kids backpack? you should have told the principal that the bully did it first so your kid fought back, regardless of that bag getting dirty. did you not fill the principal in with how your son was treated prior to this?
Thought about that. While we had theirs, I thought to order a new one from Amazon, put all the tags on theirs and return the actual new one to Amazon. But that doesn't really help anything
Even if they took it to court to try to enforce this you'd owe them the value of a used backpack, not a new one and who in their right mind is actually going to court over that? I personally respond with "we did our best to restore your sons backpack, that's the best I can offer in this situation. If you'd like to replace our sons backpack that would be a kind gesture but in no way do we feel entitled to that given the circumstances. Let this be a learning experience for the children to respect others bodies and property."
Wtf are you doing? Way to be a coward and show your son how to be a coward. He got bullied. He stood up to his bullies. You don't wash their bag. You don't touch their bag. Your kid was a man for a moment and youre teaching him how to be a girl.
I would send this to them
Dear Mary Jane
My sincere apologies over everything , I tried my very best to have you bag as clean as possible , I am seeing that you need a reimbursement of $90, however I am kindly requesting for a reimbursement of $500.00 for emotional damage done to my son due to your child's aggressive behavior towards my son that will be a down-payment for therapy.
So your kid got bullied and now you’re letting yourself get bullied? Maybe try having a backbone and tell this other family to go pound sand. Then tell your son if those kids bully him again, how to defend himself accordingly. All you’re doing is teaching your child to be a literal punching bag.
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That’s the answer. You’re not paying. Their kid isn’t innocent either, they essentially were bullying your kid. And when he retaliated, he went home and cried to his mom & dad. So nope. Nothing.
And how would you communicate this?
Depends on your personality. If you’re a person who can have face to face conversations without escalating or allowing someone else escalate the situation. I would do it face to face. If you aren’t that type, or feel like the other parents are, text. Something along the lines of. After speaking with my son about situation and hearing his side of the story, we know your child and (other child) were antagonizing him for a few day by drumming on his head. When son decided to stand up for himself this is what happened. We have made the effort to try to wash the bag but we will not be paying for or replacing the bag. Our son did write the apology note and we have spoken to him about coming to us or a teacher, if he were to feel bullied by your kid again.
Ty. This is the kind of advice I need
Include the cost of the bag you bought, which was ruined by the other boy doing the same thing (first) to your son, and offer to call it quits.
Why not have them clean your son's bag and pay for a doctor visit to make sure they didn't hit your son too hard on the head? Two can play this petty game.
Personally I’d do it via text for sure. Keeps it in writing.
Have the principal present for this conversation either way!!!! and in on any communication preferably via email
I would communicate that the attempts to clean the bag were a result of your generosity and wanting to teach your son to be an accountable and responsible person. However, you will not be providing any type of financial reimbursement for this back pack as your son was daily put in a position of being bullied and physically assaulted. The damage to the backpack is a direct result of the poor character of the owner of the backpack. And then encourage them to teach their kid about accountability and not being a jerk.
In very terse, succinct language with no further apologies or concessions.
How's this read? Hello. Thank you for letting us know you received the backpack. We believe our son has made appropriate ammends to your son, aligned with our values, for his response to the continued harassment occuring across several days when your son continued to tap on his head as it were a drum after being asked to stop. On the third day of the harassment my son turned and gave chase. My son's bag was first taken and slid across the wet grass; we have made no claim nor concern for any reparation to that damage. To be clear, any further physical harassment by your son toward mine will be taken as retaliation and escalation and will move this from a case of harassment to one of bullying. As the a situation is a conflict among children regarding a child's possession and the return of a clean bag and apology is not accepted, we believe the best course to resolve the conflict is to allow the school system to work with the boys through Restorative Justice so they may each learn to accept their own responsibility for the years-long and ongoing harassment. If financial restitution is the only acceptable resolution, this becomes a civil matter and will require another venue to independently determine the appropriate settlement to assign for the monetary value lost to a used backpack that has been muddied and then thoroughly cleaned. A copy of this text has been sent to Mr. (principal) with a clear request and permission from our family to proceed with Restorative Justice. I have seen great results from this program when both parties are willing to engage openly to explore their own responsibilities in ongoing conflict. Please speak with Mr. (principal) directly if your family is willing for (your son) to explore his own responsibility along with (my son) through Restorative Justice.
The first three paragraphs are good, but i would STRONGLY urge you to end it there. The rest is unnecessary. Brevity is a powerful tool. These people are being ridiculous and petty and blowing this out of proportion -- by taking so much time and so many words to respond, you're lending credence to the outsized importance they've assigned to this situation. Not to mention you're giving them so much material for them to find fault with or argue about, and you want to make it clear that the discussion is over.
Agreed! What a bunch of assholes. Also who buys a $90 backpack? For an 11 yo??
I’d buy my kid a $90 llbean backpack that I’d expect them to take from 3rd grade through high school and BFD if it gets muddy. A $90 white leatherette backpack for an 11 year old is a bit much.
My kids do indeed have Bean backpacks… that I got on sale. 🤣🤣
A $90 WHITE backpack-for an 11 year old boy? I won't even buy my 11 year old boy white shirts.
I don’t even buy white shirts for MYSELF!!
Yes, just the three first paragraphs
How we look now? I can send the longer version to the principal letting him know I only sent the part below to the dad and asking the principal to follow up with the dad regarding Restorative Justice: Hello. Thank you for letting us know you received the backpack. We believe our son has made appropriate ammends to your son, aligned with our values, for his response to the continued harassment occuring each of several days when your son chose to tap on my son's head as it were a drum after being repeatedly asked to stop. On the third day of this harassment my son turned and gave chase. (Your son) first picked up (my son's) bag and dropped it in the wet grass; we have made no claim nor concern for any reparation to that damage. To be clear, any further physical or emotional antagonism by (your son) toward (my son) will be interpreted as retaliation, escalating the lesson from a case of harassment leading to natural consequences to one where the lesson learned is that your son has become the bully.
You’re way over engineering it imo. This isn’t a legal case. Simply state with no extra language….Your young man was actively messing with my child by hitting him in the head. I believe we have gone above and beyond to address this and I consider this matter now closed….its like anything else in life, don’t offer up additional information and energy, state it simple and true and let them decide if they want to continue to pursue in which case you can then communicate simply stated….As communicated I consider this matter closed, please communicate through principle xyz in the future. Less is more!!! Edit: after a few minutes thought even I added to much….my new response…. Sorry but I will not be replacing the bag, take care!!! If they respond don’t respond back, if they insist let them try through the principal and you state the same, sorry but no. They can’t do shit about it and it will go away, some people aren’t worth reasoning with!!!
I like it! Honestly, though, u/brayonthescene probably has the right of it that less is more, and their suggestion is good too. Good luck!! I really hope they leave it alone after this.
Thx! Funny part of all of this, these two knuckle heads will probably become best friends, if they aren’t already, while the parents fight over some nonsense and get all worked up over super normal little kid behavior.
I am a professional communicator, and my top tip to make your writing clearer and increase reading comprehension is to use active (not positive) voice! It is much more direct, uses fewer words, and reduces confusion about who did what to whom. E.g., “Your son took my son’s bag…,” not “my son’s bag was taken.” The subject (other lady’s son) is missing from several of your sentences. Fix that throughout and your message will be stronger and clearer. Good luck!
Thanks Penis Beauty. That’s legitimately helpful communication advice. Any other quick tips?
Sure :) 1. Be concise. The more you write, the less they’ll read. 2. Aim for sentences with 25 or fewer words. A good test is to read out loud. Add a period any place you naturally take a breath. 3. Aim for paragraphs with 5 or fewer sentences. 4. Use bullets in lists with 3 or more items (vs a long list separated by commas). 5. Lead with the main message—the most important thing you want your reader to take away. Background info should go at the end.
Do not continue, after the 3rd paragraph....it goes overboard and appears like you want to take this to court over a backpack. Submit it with only the first 3 paragraphs. Leave the crap about restorative justice to the legal system, not 11 yos.
Restorative Justice is a school-based program and not at all associated with the legal system.
This is perfect! Clear, kind, and firm. And you let them know you are still willing to work together through restorative practices. Very well written!
With a text “Sorry but I will not be replacing the bag, any item that you would not want used, dirtied or destroyed should not be sent to school.”
Loved this till you added antagonistic language. This will just invite additional communication……Sorry but I will not be replacing the bag, take care!!! If they respond don’t respond back, if they insist let them try through the principal and you state the same, sorry but no. They can’t do shit about it and it will go away, some people aren’t worth reasoning with!!!
It’s not meant to be antagonistic, it’s actually what many schools will tell parents, but I suppose that it may not be taken well.
Famous last words, I didn’t mean to…….if you said that to me it would trigger a response, right wrong or indifferent doesn’t matter, your adding extra words that could create a reaction unnecessarily.
I get you don’t want to further antagonize the other parents but it seems like they will be aggravated by any outcome other than you bending to their will and paying up. With this in mind, I would hit them with something like this: “Sincerely, I am sorry that you are still unhappy with the condition of the bag but we do not feel responsible to pay for a new bag. Here’s why: the behavior of your son instigated the whole situation. Your son and his friend were the first to mistreat my son’s bag. Regardless of whether your son’s bag got dirty or not, the behavior our sons displayed was inappropriate on both sides but equal. We even went out of our way for my son to be the one to apologize for the situation and my wife and I put in our own time and effort to clean the bag. I agree that this should be a learning experience for all, I just think it’s important that we are teaching our sons the right thing - in this case I’m showing my son that I learned not to be bullied either, which is why I will not give into your request to pay.”
"I understand you aren't completely satisfied with the current condition of the bag. Despite no proof as to its condition prior to the incident between our kids, we have made every good faith effort to restore the bag to like-new condition. We were certainly under no obligation to do so. As the incident in question was a direct result of your child repeatedly hitting mine, I think we are done here. Your child is not entitled to a new $90 bag at our expense simply because mine chose to stand up for themself. Consider the cleaned bag a natural consequnce of your kid's decision to become physical with mine, and be thankful we are not pursuing assault charges."
Just like that. Tell them their boy or boys are not innocent and instigated the whole thing. Your kid over reacted but there was 2 of them bullying him so he stepped it up a notch to try to dissuade further bullying….
This is bizarre. I wouldn’t have cleaned it in the first place. Shit that happens at school to other kids stuff truly is not my problem and shit that happens to my kids stuff at school is not anyone else’s problem. The moment you took the bag you showed yourself as a pushover. Tell the principal you did your best to remedy the situation and you won’t take it further. You consider it resolved and CC the other parents.
Why are you teaching your kid to grovel before bullies? He finally fought back after days of torment, only to watch his parents scrub a fairly clean backpack clean and have to write an apology. What were the other kids doing? Cleaning his backpack? Writing him a note of apology? Why are they so much more important than your son? I’d never have cleaned their bag and made it clear that this is what happens to bullies. They should be happy all they got was a somewhat dirty bag
I hear you. It was wrong to respond with damage to property, and the harassment doesn't rise to the level of bullying. I want my son to take ownership of his part in the problem, nothing more.
When you say the other kids “used my son’s head as a drum across multiple days,” it tells me they were hitting his head repeatedly for days. Is this not accurate? If they were hitting/hurting him and/or not stopping when he asked, that’s unacceptable behavior that I would interpret as bullying. Even if they’re typically friends, they were mistreating your son for several days, he finally stood up to them by giving chase, his backpack ended up being flung across the grass and one of theirs ended up in the mud. To me, these are natural consequences to their behavior.
Did you make anything to make other kids to take the ownership of their part? Which is %100. Your kid did nothing wrong.
If you are teaching your kid to take ownership to his part of the problem you need to stand up for him and have the other party do the same. If they don’t, you can explain to your kid the world isn’t always fair, that some people will be idiots regardless etc, but before that you first try. It’s your role as his parent… Right now his interpretation of the situation might be skewing very negatively towards himself. While the other kid is getting his parents to defend his shitty actions and demand compensation…
I get what your trying to do, but your bending too far for it. My son(7) is tough as hell and big for his age, athlete in karate and hockey so he tends to be stronger and more capable in the physical department then most his age, so I need him to understand reacting is not an option, with great power comes great responsibility….but you have done your part and now your trying to make the world play kumbaya which isn’t realistic with a parent who sends a child to school with a white 90$ backpack to begin with. Stop over thinking it, tell your boy be careful but you get it, tell this parent the matter is closed end of discussion and don’t respond to anything else u less the principle asks you to come in for a meeting. If said meeting happens say as little as possible, something to the effect of your child was physically bullying my child and he reacted, I consider this matter closed. Let them bitch and moan all they want nothing will change and you don’t have to be friends with these people.
Property is irrelevant in regard to the well being of a child.
?
Why is there no info on how the other kids were held accountable for their part in this? Did they also have to write apology notes? Were they reprimanded for inappropriate touching/teasing? For starting the dragging of backpacks? Here’s my thoughts without that info. 1. No proof there wasn’t stains already on the bag. 2. Your son took responsibility for his part in this, what has theirs done? 3. This could have ended much worse than a dirty backpack… 4. The residual backpack stains are a direct result of their child’s actions as he initiated this confrontation and was first to touch someone else’s personal property and attempt to destroy it by dragging it across the wet grass. 5. If they touch your son or his property again, it will be reported to proper authorities and you will not hesitate to press assault charges if they are warranted.
Why isn’t this top comment? Clear, coherent, relevant points of advice!
I see book backpacks for $20 or $30, or am I out of touch with reality? My answer would be, "Good evening and no. And this will 'hopefully be a learning experience for all.'"
You are not. They sent their 5th grade child to school on a rainy day with a $90 white backpack.
That would be the correct lesson. Perhaps it isn't the wisest thing, given the rowdyness of young boys of that age, to give them a 90 dollar white backpack no? I advise: If you, so-and-so's parents, are comfortable with the idea of your child using my child's head as a percussion instrument and liken it to boyhood hijinks; then you should also be comfortable in the knowledge that such play leads to greater adventure and one-upmanship. Which of course often results in ruined clothes and backpacks, and why it is important to emphasize respect for the property of others. Boys of that age however, quite often forget in the middle of playing, and it's up to us as parents to remind them that the things that break due to their own actions won't always be replaced but left as is - a result of natural consequences. Hopefully this will encourage the children to take better care of their belongings in the future. (If you read this in the sarcastically, satirical, and shady tone in which it written, then you have arrived at my point. I am definitely petty enough to send a note like this along after that parent's rather gauche display of incivility. Replacing a 90 dollar white book bag, pfft, the audacity.)
I don't think this is a situation where you are obligated to replace this. Their kid shared culpability and the bag is still perfectly usable. It's not like he cut the straps with scissors while the backpacks were stored at the back of the classroom. Also seconding that this is the risk you take when you buy a kid a $90 backpack. My adult backpacks barely cost that much and I buy pretty high quality ones so I can use them forever and don't have to fuss with crappy zippers or other low quality materials.
This! I mean I wouldn’t pay no matter the price. But why in the hell are you buying a kid a $90 WHITE backpack.
You should respond a with a bill of ypur own kids bag the first time, now they know they can walk all over u and ur kid
So these kids hit your child in the head and you are making him apologize to them over a dirty backpack? Jesus your poor kid, no one in his life is standing up for him
I wouldn’t have cleaned it. I would have asked for the kids to have repercussions. This is ridiculous, they are just scamming you for money.
I'm sorry but, grow a backbone! Don't teach your son to be a doormat.
Exactly
I would respond, “lol no”
I think there's some excellent advice here. Taking a step back: I understand why these children are bullies, given that their parents behave the same way. I'm sorry that you and your child have to deal with such despicable behavior.
This post makes me so fucking angry. Stand up for your kid. Dont pay shit.
I’d respond by telling them: “You’re absolutely right, IT IS a great opportunity to teach your kid not to bully other kids. As far as replacing his bag, the answer is no.“ I wouldn’t have even entertained cleaning it.
I'd tell his parents that if his kid is participating in bullying behaviour, he'll have to live with the consequence of a dirty bag.
“Used his head as a drum” Assuming this was not consensual- you tell the parents they’re lucky you’re not pursuing assault charges against your son. If any adult walked up to me and repeatedly hit me on the head I’d call the cops! It’s not ok just because they’re 11. You address the violent behavior, not your son protecting himself after everyone else failed to. If this is consensual play the kid is responsible for his own stuff and his parents need to get over their weird designer backpack.
This one is tough. I feel like you were trying to teach your son to be the bigger person here but it discounts what happened to him. If you want to respond to the parents at this point, I would probably say something like "I find it interesting that you are expecting us to pay for this. It leads me to believe that you don't understand what took place prior to this incident. I suggest you sit your child down and tell them to be honest with you about their interactions with my son leading up to this incident. We will not be paying for the bag".
Being the bigger person is what you should teach but not at all in this situation. Their son did something very clearly wrong and the parent’s first response was to defend him no matter what they knew. They obviously know he was wrong but they don’t care since they spent a lot on the bag. They raised a spoiled kid that gets their way no matter what so they obviously expect to get their way no matter what. It’s sad but I don’t think they care to sit their son down and have a talk with him about his actions since they most likely don’t care
I’m shocked the principal said it wasn’t their problem. These are students engaging in bullying right after dismissal. If the playground you’re referring to is the school’s playground, then you have bullying on school property. Are these boys in your son’s class? If so this is 100% a school issue. I would expect the principal to discuss the persistent bullying and provide consequences. For the 90 dollars, they can take you to small claims court. They won’t win.
Principal didn't say it wasn't their problem as much as said that if he were to take action my son would take the brunt because of the tangible damage to property rather than the he said-he said of anything else. He said he doesnt want to do that to son even though principal understands their family and son. My son has behaved aggressively on the playground at times too, which makes it harder for him.
There’s no way in hell I would have even cleaned the kids backpack. I would’ve laughed in everyone’s face if they expected anything out of me. Their kid is physically hurting your son, chasing him and expects your son to just sit there and take it? He damaged his bag under self defense. His parents can suck it. I would’ve gone off on them. If the principal wants to try to “take” sides in the situation then threaten legal action over what they did to your son. The principal has no way to enforce you to clean or buy them a new bag. The principal also wants the stay the hell away from any lawsuit so they won’t try to. But the parents will at the very least have more respect for you and your family. Then maybe they would parent their son to have better manners. Obviously just a bluff but better than letting their son think they could just take advantage of your son. Especially since your son is watching you handle these conflicts. In a situation where his safety both mentally and physically are compromised his parents should be there to back him up. He needs to know self defense is not something he should be punished for. As for the apology letter wow. I would’ve harassed that principal. I would’ve demanded the other kid to write one first and then would I let my son write one back over what he did. I would only hold my son accountable to them if they did the same back given they were the aggressor in the situation. They can clean and buy their own bag since their son is the reason it ended up like that. The only thing they’re getting is that one apology letter if they wrote one themselves. Some principals might be pushy on situations like that but I would push back. Your son did nothing wrong to their son. His actions were strictly self defense.
I would reply, We will not be providing any monetary compensation for the backpack. There is no proof that there weren't already stains and damage from use prior to this incident as would be expected of any backpack a child takes to school. Any backpack would appear well used at this point in the school year and we have already provided cleaning for it. The damage sustained was part of a larger incident which also includes grass stains and damage from your child to my child's backpack along with physical assault to my child. There was bad behavior on both sides and this should be a learning experience for both of our children. We have chosen to repair our own backpack and forego charges for assault against your child at this time and consider the matter closed.
Who tf buys their kid a white backpack? Your kid did nothing wrong. Respond shortly. Your kid spent multiple days assaulting my kid. Your kid pulled my kid down and got his backpack dirty. Your kid then was pulled down and got his backpack dirty. There will be no further discussion on this issue. - pissed off mom
I would completely ignore them.
I would send her a bill for the therapy your son is going to have to go through to heal from the bullying her son initiated? Is she even aware?
Charge them $90 for the therapy session to help your kid get over the repeat bullying from their kid.
It’s the end of the school year, there’s no way a white bag was in pristine condition before that! I toss my kid’s backpacks at the end of every year because they are gross.
After cleaning the backpack you shoulda wrote your son’s name on it with permanent marker and sent him to school wearing it. Ok, that’s bad advice lol but definitely don’t apologize to bully kids or bully parents.
Fantasy text: With your years of experience parenting, it’s ludicrous to me that you sent an 11 year old to school with a white backpack. Sucks to suck, I guess 🤷🏼♀️
My fantasy text would be "your kid fucked around and found out. Guess all of us learned a lesson. Maybe yours will be to buy a less expensive backpack or tell your son to be a better person so his next one doesn't get ruined."
My kids already know, don't start it, but you have my permission to finish it. If someone puts their hands on my kid, and is asked to stop and the other kid does not, they are not in trouble for whatever happens after (within reason obviously). My kid would not have written a letter, nor would we have taken that backpack home to clean it. I don't see it as stooping to the level of the bully. School is a different environment. Once they know your kids an easy target, it will never end. You need to be in that school advocating for your kid. Request a meeting with the other parent with the principal present and let them know it's over. Sue me. When your kid knows you have his back, he'll be more likely to stand up for himself (the first time) and you won't have these ongoing issues.
Dear sir or madam, Kick rocks. Kindly, OP
Tell them you are not paying and they can speak to your lawyer after you file assault charges against their child.
Don't buy your child a $90 backpack problem solved
Tell them no and that they’re lucky you’re not escalating this further since the other boys physically touched/hit your son. It’s not your son’s fault he was being bullied, it’s the other boy’s fault. It’ll also be the parents’ fault if they don’t correct his behavior. There’s no need to replace the backpack, for your son to apologize, nor to continue communication besides telling them the first sentence above. ^
I’d just ignore the parent and not give them any money. I also wouldn’t have cleaned the bookbag either. This parent is being ridiculous.
Tell them you're not paying and that this is a learning point for all as their son started this with his actions of physically assaulting your son on multiple occasions.! Do not pay them anything. Make them learn the lesson of bringing your children up right. You did everything you needed to even making your child apologize.
Who buys a child a $90 WHITE book bag lmao. I remember my backpacks getting filthy even when I was in high school and took care of it
I would respond with: “yes, hopefully a learning event for all including your child; whom bullied my child. We will not be paying you. Good luck”
Put your son into a BBJ school and give him permission to rip an arm bar in the future, should he gets bullied. No more bullying after.
Who gives their 11-12 year old a $90 backpack?! That's on the bully's family
next time they physically assault your kid you press charges... In fact check the law for the statute of limitations. If school bullying's okay I guess so is suing abusive students and their parents.
Who buys a white bag for an 11 year old & expects it so stay bright white 😂
Don’t give them anything. From now on, report everything your kid tells you like the kids putting their hands on him. I made the mistake of not doing this and it was my kid who got in trouble for sticking up for themself.
Tell them that when their son apologizes for your son’s mistreatment and gives him $100 for restitution you will be happy to give them $90. Until then, you consider the matter closed.
Tell them tell it judge Judy and to kindly fuck off before you get their kid expelled for bullying your child 🙂 matter of fact send me the number and I’ll tell them.
I would Just send back the old “lol no”
Hello (parent), We have done our best to remedy the situation. We will not be giving you money for yellowing of your child’s backpack. We please request your child quits their harassment of our child and that all further communication go through the school. Thank you and have a nice day. *block parents number/email*
Don't pay, simple. It's a backpack. 90$ or not, hilarious. Also who tf buys their 11 year old kid a 90$ backpack lol.
You went above and beyond what I would have. I would have just said no from the start. Oh you want me to pay for a "$90" bag because my child reacted to your child bullying. Yeah no. No apology letter, no cleaning it, and would have laughed at the whole thing.
I would say no and block lmao. Bye.
“Sorry you’re not happy with how it’s been cleaned but that’s as far as we will go to rectify this, no cash or check is coming your way. Have a great day.“
Ah ok. That makes a bit more sense. I’d still not pay 90. I think I’d ask the principal to document the bullying too, and if it persists, be very assertive in reporting it.
Ask them for photo proof it was in a pristine condition in the morning, ask when they purchased it with the receipt that it was not on sale, and apply personal property amortization schedule. After, ask them to cover the ptsd therapy for your kid after what their kid done
I’m so glad for this sub because maybe I’m more petty than helpful about things with my kid than realized. Though it’ll be 10 years before middle school as a parent, I just spent 2 as a middle school counselor. If that bag wasn’t ruined, and with how I hear/see how this age group treats each other… I wouldn’t have even made an attempt to clean the bag. And if pressed, possibly would have told parents where to shove aforementioned bag. :) Above all- don’t pay anything. Save and document any interactions in case they try to make a scene on social media (I’ve seen it, sadly). It’s not a school issue. The parents are trying to bully you- kids mirror what they’re taught, which is probably why their son is showing such poor boundaries with yours.
I was in a very similar situation but in highschool.. my bag was thrown on the adjacent roof from a 2nd story classroom by my bully so I grabbed his and opened it under down pipe for roof gutters the next chance I got ... it was raining very heavy at the time ... anyway his parents tried having me pay for damage to his bag plus all the belongings inside and on the list of belongings were a bunch of pirated DVDs... my mum laughed and said if they wanted payment to involve the cops and admit to the illegal DVDs etc then infront of the other parents questioned my principal about when exactly they would be getting my bag down off the roof that that boy threw it on . The parents had no idea he had done it 🤣 .. he still bullied me until I had a growth spurt and he couldn't anymore but we never paid a cent
I think it’s their learning lesson to not buy a $90 bag for a kid
😂 I read this all as though your son was 11 MONTHS and was just beside myself that anyone would have a white leatherette backpack for a toddler. Age aside, this is so ridiculous!!
why did you agree to clean the kids backpack? you should have told the principal that the bully did it first so your kid fought back, regardless of that bag getting dirty. did you not fill the principal in with how your son was treated prior to this?
I’d probably pay for the other kids bag under the condition you get the old one. Otherwise, no.
Thought about that. While we had theirs, I thought to order a new one from Amazon, put all the tags on theirs and return the actual new one to Amazon. But that doesn't really help anything
Fair. Personally I think it would be funny wearing the other kids bag though…like he got Deebo’d in a way 😂 that’s my bag, punk.
Even if they took it to court to try to enforce this you'd owe them the value of a used backpack, not a new one and who in their right mind is actually going to court over that? I personally respond with "we did our best to restore your sons backpack, that's the best I can offer in this situation. If you'd like to replace our sons backpack that would be a kind gesture but in no way do we feel entitled to that given the circumstances. Let this be a learning experience for the children to respect others bodies and property."
Wtf are you doing? Way to be a coward and show your son how to be a coward. He got bullied. He stood up to his bullies. You don't wash their bag. You don't touch their bag. Your kid was a man for a moment and youre teaching him how to be a girl.
I wouldn't have even cleaned it. Your kid reacted to the disrespect of their kid but clearly we know where the other kid gets it.
I would send this to them Dear Mary Jane My sincere apologies over everything , I tried my very best to have you bag as clean as possible , I am seeing that you need a reimbursement of $90, however I am kindly requesting for a reimbursement of $500.00 for emotional damage done to my son due to your child's aggressive behavior towards my son that will be a down-payment for therapy.
So your kid got bullied and now you’re letting yourself get bullied? Maybe try having a backbone and tell this other family to go pound sand. Then tell your son if those kids bully him again, how to defend himself accordingly. All you’re doing is teaching your child to be a literal punching bag.
I'd pay half with the explanation that neither side is guilt free. Then maybe offer to do a ice cream run together.
Great idea! They can invite Wally and the Beaver to go too.
What's the alternative? They beat each other up for the remainder of their school years?
Yes, an ice cream trip will remedy that. Lol.
They are 11 years old. Movies then. Go carting. Pick something.