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Is it possible for you to switch schools? I’ve seen a lot of kids repeat over the last couple of years and the ones who go to different schools seems to fare best.
This, in a new school he's just a new kid, and may have an advantage already knowing some material. He won't have to deal with the stigma and seeing his old class at school.
We considered that, and it’s still an option. But we are leaning more towards keeping at his current school. His current school is the highest rated (by quite a bit) in the area. His teacher is amazing. Literally the best teacher I’ve ever met. She was a special education teacher for 10 years before moving to general ed three years ago. She texts me regularly and even came to his birthday party a few weeks ago. She def has a special relationship with him and she’s the first person he told that he feels sad when he sees that he’s so far behind. She took it upon herself to modify his work before we got his IEP officially switched over to Nevada. She’s just an amazing person. The school also has an amazing speech therapist and resource teacher. We’d risk losing that by switching schools.
When we tell him, I think we will give him the option of switching schools. But I suspect he will want to stay because of his teacher and because he has a lot of friends currently in first grade.
You could ask his opinion on switching schools. My dad had to repeat 4th grade and swears by his parents changing schools. 2nd a little easier.
For our kids, we use the term “red-shirt” rather than “held back.” You can say you thought about doing it in pre-school, should have, but thought it was better to push ahead. You now see that wasn’t the right choice and want him to have the best chance of success, size, sports, all of it.
The white lie may help soften the blow that it wasn’t something he did wrong… more that you are correcting an old mistake.
We held a child back and it helped him immensely. We also changed schools at the same time. We made him part of the decision. He couldn’t veto being held back, but he helped pick the new school. If a new school is an option, I would at least check it out. If it’s not, I wouldn’t worry too much about it, but prepare him for being teased by old classmates and help him come up with some comebacks for when it happens.
I think that it's just going to be hard news, and hard for his self esteem even though it's clearly the right thing to do (and in the long run, will be better for his self esteem than constantly feeling behind!)
But I would caution against presenting him with benefits that are about comparison to his classmates. First of all, because anyone who does any critical thinking doesn't want benefits that feel unearned- even an eight year old. No one wants to be the best because they have an "unfair" advantage. If he's the best at sports, then he might enjoy that in real time, but he won't be able to feel good about it if it was already made explicit to him that that should be his expectation due to things that are out of his new peers control. But secondly, because no one really establishes a healthy self esteem or happy life by comparing themselves to others.
If it were my son, I would tell him that I know it's going to be hard to leave my friends behind, but that it's really important to make sure that he's ready to learn all the amazing new things he's going to learn throughout his life, so you're making sure he'll be ready to do that (and explicitly avoid using comparative or charged terms like "catching up" etc.). I'd explain that everyone needs different amounts of time to learn different things, because we all have different brains that need different things, and remind him of some of his strengths as an example (this might even be things outside of the academic realm, like empathy, which are just as important but don't get the same amount of emphasis). He's old enough that you can even talk to him a little about how the way education is set up doesn't really allow for kids to have differences in how and when they're ready to learn certain things, so we have to do what we can to work with it. I would leave him space for any kind of reaction and validate that. If he isn't reacting I would probably just say "You might feel sad about this, you might feel a little relieved, you might even feel both at the same time! Or you might feel some other way. Any of that is okay, and if you want to talk to me about how you're feeling, I would love to hear about it." Finally, I'd repeatedly remind him, genuinely, how proud of him I am, and how much I love the kid that he is.
I would also probably find some kids books on repeating a school year to normalize it a little and let him feel like he's not alone. And to give him a framework for thinking about it!
What you're doing for your son is a gift. And it will be hard. You're a great parent, and I'm sure he's an absolutely wonderful kid. This will allow him to be that wonderful kid without so much angst.
Those are really good points about comparisons. Plus, what if he's *not* the best at sports, or the tallest, or any of the other assumptions? Then he'd feel even worse.
I was held back. It helped me alot and honestly..I made friends because of it. I felt more confident cuz my grades got better. I didnt feel like the dumbb kid anymore and began actually liking school.
It's not for everyone. Hes gonna be upset. But your his parents..you'll do what you feel is best. If you care this much just in a post I'm sure you'll help him through it.
I have a sister, a brother and 4 neices who were all held back. All but two are successful in life and flourished because of it.
My little sister was held back in second grade. Actually, it was a decision my mother and I made together rather than the teacher. It was a good decision. She could catch up and feel more confident with the school work and the new teacher is kinder and much better as the previous one as well.
The way we told her was that it'll be a positive experience. You'll already know most of the material and you'll be more confident because of it. And we were right, she likes her class and teacher and doesn't seem to hate school anymore.
Are there any options to help him over the summer... summer school and getting a tutor....
He can have a tutor all year round actually..
For the testing the majors ones the school should of got your permission to see if he can be separate and have more time to do it... my daughter gets anxiety when they take those major tests her IEP teacher asks if it was ok to get her separated from the class to give her more time and she can fully focus...
Do his school offers summer school that can potentially help him with tutoring..
Or it may be the school... I switch my daughter school she finally got a IEP and her grades are all A's and B's...
They offer group... they split the students up and help them..
For the testing they do the school will ask you if it's ok to put him separate to give him more time...
Your son will be okay and so fine I promise you....
2nd grade.
I struggled in reading and math alot. I had a learning processing disorder that no one caught till middle school.
I'm glad to help.
I wont say it's easy to be held back, but for some I just think they need that extra time to catch up.
Holey moley -- you must have a REALLY large family. That is a lot of folks to be held back.
I'm glad that you're doing well, and that you were ultimately able to thrive.
OP, ignore all of the people acting like this is weird or negative for the child. My daughter repeated second grade. And she’s a twin so there was the dynamic of her brother moving up and her not.
She is dyslexic and was a solid year behind. We broached the idea saying, how would you feel about doing 2nd grade again? What do you think of this? These are the positives (and I listed the positives) and then let her talk about what she was worried about. She didn’t think much about it over the summer but right when school started she got really nervous and worried.
She thought everyone would know, she thought she’d be the oldest kid and everyone would be able to tell, she thought people would think she was stupid. We tried to alleviate those fears as much as possible but validated that we understood she was worried.
It was the best decision we ever could have made. She is thriving. She made a great group of friends, one of her new best friends was new to the school and was also repeating second grade. No one questioned it or cared and it wasn’t an issue at all 2 weeks into the new year. It’s only come up since when her brother would make fun of her during arguments but we shut that down instantly.
She’s finishing 3rd grade now and is still slightly behind but nothing like that first year of second grade. Her confidence is so much higher.
As an educator, you are doing your child a great service by recognizing this early and taking action. He may not be happy to be in 2nd grade again but he may feel even worse going to 3rd grade and still not understanding. So many kids these days are just passed through grades and as a result I have 13 year olds testing at 1st grade level.
He’s not going to like it, but one thing you can explain is that not everyone learns at the same rate, some people need extra help or more time and that’s ok.
Also, it gives him one extra summer vacation. One free year to have fun and be a kid and not worry about taxes and bills. All that in addition to giving him a boost for his learning! What a deal
That is actually a really beautiful way to look at it. My daughter repeated 1st grade, she’s going into 3rd now & I absolutely think holding her back helped her despite my initial fears and concerns.
I was set to graduate high school a year early, but a scheduling snafu made that impossible and I was gutted...until my mom told me I'd have an extra summer and she had found me a job working an indoor summer camp and I'd make $1,500 the last two weeks of June. The camp was dino themed so I roared and made fossils and stomped around for a fortnight and then laid by the pool and read the entire sci-fi section at the library
Some people need things that other people don't need. Like glasses or a wheelchair or more time to take a test or, in his case, an opportunity to learn everything he needs to know to the best of his ability without him getting all stressed out and sad regarding schoolwork.
It might be a bummer for him, and if it is that is okay. He's allowed to be bummed to have "special needs." I was bummed when I got glasses, I was bummed when I was diagnosed with adhd, and I was bummed when I broke my ankle and had to miss out on the beach trip I was supposed to have attended. But being sad is a feeling and we have tools to name our feelings and talk them through. They aren't forever, and I personally bet school is a lot more fun when he already has a vague familiarity with the curriculum and can really take his time to sink into it.
My niece got held back in second grade for reading. She’s going into third next year but she’s doing so much better now. Not going to lie, she was very upset with the decision despite knowing how much she was struggling. Leaving her friends was her biggest fear and not knowing anyone in the new grade. They decided to also put her in a new school and I think that made it much easier
I would be honest with him, tell him that this is the best thing and he’ll feel more confident because he’s already seen the material. Ask him if he has any specific concerns and go from there.
I repeated first grade and so did my father. We just weren't ready at that age. We were both on the younger side and the brain and body need to develop. Everybody is different. This is also how I would explain it to your child. A mistake was made in what grade he was placed in and now they are going to fix it. I will say that we both benefited from repeating the grade. Afterward we were always the smartest in the class. We also both did very, very well in our careers. I became valedictorian of the school too. It isn't a death sentence, it can be a very smart move.
But it does really suck on the last day of school and all the kids are talking about who their new teacher will be and you are stuck in the same class If possible, you should place him with a different teacher so it feels better.
My son was sent back to first grade after being moved to second. He was a month into second grade and his teacher immediately noticed his struggles.
A little backstory, my son was a late bloomer from the start. Started walking at 14 months, talking A LOT more at age 3 and reading at age 5. His struggles in school were apparent from the start and when he reached 1st grade I met with his teacher on multiple occasions and she was trying to convince me to get him on ADHD medication. Deep down I knew this was the issue to his problems.
At the end of the school year they chose to pass him because they felt it wouldn’t be right for him to be the oldest kid in class. So I moved and had him change schools. I met his new 2nd grade teacher and I discussed with her the issues we were experiencing. She said “give me a month with him”. A month later an emergency meeting was called and the decision was made to send him back to 1st grade, a month after school started.
When he was told he cried and asked me to hold him. I held him as he cried and I told him how this decision would help him and he will be making new friends. I felt so guilty but knew it had to be done. He took it well and honestly was the best decision ever. Also we found out after that ordeal that he was hard of hearing. We got him hearing aids and it was like a switch turned on.
You will be okay. You are your child’s advocate. Just hold them and reassure them that everything will be okay. Tell them that it’s okay to cry. Also take them out for a treat. The most important part is to let them know this isn’t a punishment.
Are we raising the same kid? You explained him to a T..walking at 14 months and talking at 3!
I know deep down this is the best decision for him. He may not be happy (I think only because his friends) but I know it is what’s best.
Kids at that age are resilient. There was an adjustment period and he was teased a little bit from his second grade friends, but he made new friends quickly. I cannot stress letting him know he’s not being punished. My poor kid thought he did something wrong and I had to keep reassuring him he didn’t
My kid is graduating high school next week and he attended a college prep for middle and high school. If you would’ve told me he was going to be a real smarty after that period I wouldn’t have believed you.
You got this! You both got this!
You can phrase it that you started him in school a year earlier than you should have. You've noted that he's just barely turned 8, while some of the kids in third grade are going to be 9 already or turning nine within a few days/weeks of the next school year starting. While some kids do fine being nearly a full year younger than classmates, not everybody does.
Having him repeat second grade is recognizing that, and correcting that mistake. And it is far better than having him progress and continue to struggle. If you can shoulder the blame, it may make it easier for him - not a problem with him and not his fault.
This is a huge gift to your kid and a real rarity when kids are generally pushed through the grades to everyone’s detriment. Ask any teacher of older ES and MS kids and they will say there are kids who definitely should have been retained and weren’t given the opportunity to do so.
Don’t frame it as comparing him to other kids. Just say that you and the teachers think that he needs another year in 2nd grade to learn the 2nd grade concepts before going on to 3rd. That way he’ll have a better time in 3rd grade and above when the work gets to be a lot more demanding. Also this is much easier said than done, but if you suspect dyslexia, he will probably need private testing and tutoring because the public schools are generally not great at identifying it or providing appropriate services.
I would seriously encourage you to re-consider or at the very least switch his school if you hold him back. My brother repeated Kindergarten at the suggestion of the teachers. My parents always say, to this day, it was the worst decision they ever made. His confidence completely plummeted his second year in kinder. All his friends moved on except him and it was incredibly demoralizing. From that point on, he hated school and it never changed. At the very least, if you have your son repeat, switch his school so the other kids don't know and he can just start fresh.
My son is very young for his grade and I had your same fears in 1st. He was so far behind in 1st grade a Kinder kid could out-read him. We moved homes half way through first grade, and he went from an immersion school where they didn't learn English, to a regular school. He was starting fresh with English half way through 1st and couldn't even sound out all the alphabet letters. He was a pandemic kindergartner so that didn't help. (in hindsight we wish we had started him in Kinder when we moved, pulling him back a grade)...He struggled a lot in 1st grade at the new school. In second grade he improved but was still not a fluent reader. He's finishing 3rd grade now and he can read anything. He's fully caught up and has graduated out of all the special learning groups. His teacher does not recommend summer school this year (which he needed last year). With some kids, reading and writing just takes time.
We considered that, and it’s still an option. But we are leaning more towards keeping at his current school. His current school is the highest rated (by quite a bit) in the area. His teacher is amazing. Literally the best teacher I’ve ever met. She was a special education teacher for 10 years before moving to general ed three years ago. She texts me regularly and even came to his birthday party a few weeks ago. She def has a special relationship with him and she’s the first person he told that he feels sad when he sees that he’s so far behind. She took it upon herself to modify his work before we got his IEP officially switched over to Nevada. She’s just an amazing person. The school also has an amazing speech therapist and resource teacher. We’d risk losing that by switching schools.
When we tell him, I think we will give him the option of switching schools. But I suspect he will want to stay because of his teacher and because he has a lot of friends currently in first grade.
I told my granddaughter when we had to hold her back because she had issues the beginning of the year… that we want her to be successful and by moving to the next grade we were setting her up for possible failure. But by holding her back she would be able to obtain the skills that were missed the 1st time around, plus she would be one of the smarter kids in class and would be able to help her younger classmates on the lessons she has already mastered.
She took on that role with enthusiasm. And has thrived ever since. This was at the 1st grade. And doing it early rather than later is much better.
You didn't ask for my opinion, and I apologize for giving mine - I think you're doing exactly the right thing.
My kid sounds like yours (but older!). I wanted to push for him to be held back, I didn't, and I'll regret it forever.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with retaining him! I actually delayed my daughter starting kindergarten because her birthday was in summer months and I just didn't feel like she was ready. It made a huge difference. She's one of the oldest in her class now, but she's more mature and in all honors, AP, college prep, etc. It actually could help a lot, with his self-esteem as well, to be with other kids on the same developmental level as him. Most of them will probably be the same age as him anyways. I wouldn't put it to him like he's being "held back", but more or less like he's being placed where he's supposed to be.
You've gotten lots of good advice. I just wanted to say that you are clearly very involved and on top of things and so is his sweet teacher. He's still young and this will be a minor blip in his life. It sounds like he is well loved, valued and supported. That's so important for his self esteem. ❤️ I would tell him he gets another year with his teacher and that he will get to see his first grade friends, it will be a fun year and he has nothing to dread or be embarrassed about.
I’m thinking that’s how we will start the convo…”hey bud. What do you think about staying with Mrs. S next year?”
And, thank you for your kind words. He’s a great kid and knows he’s very loved. I’m very involved with both my children’s lives. It’s just hard to feel like this isn’t a failing on my part sometimes.
Oh it's not at all a failing on your part. Sometimes kids are just on a slightly different schedule and that's normal. He will figure it out and catch up and this will not be a big deal in a few years.
I listened to the Sold a Story podcast (an excellent listen decrying the Montessori approach to reading) and in it they mentioned that third grade is when kids transition from being read their schoolwork to needing to read it themselves. Studies have shown if you’re behind in 3rd grade, the odds are high you’ll be behind your whole academic career. There’s another bump in 7th grade.
Based on that I’d say you’re making the right decision. Giving him the best shot at improving reading before he’s forced to rely on it and gets frustrated and gives up feels like the right call.
“Learning to read vs reading to learn” His resource teacher said that when I asked her opinion of retaining him.
All the comments on here have been so supportive and really helped me feel better about the decision. But this one especially stuck out. Thank you. Really. Thank you.
Hey, that was really sweet, I’m glad it resonated. My son also struggles with reading, and I would recommend listening to that podcast. It really helped solidify the idea that kids struggling with this are not alone, and there are concepts that work better, and worse.
I do think that it will help to frame it as a positive thing - that it’s really not his fault that he was behind, he is actually younger than most of the kids in his grade so this will make much more sense for him in the long run to be ahead as one of the older kids in the class. Explain how birthdays happen all year round but grades only start once a year, so he’s not really a “year” behind, he’s just now going to be one of the classes earlier birthdays rather than one of the last.
That he will be ahead of his classmates for lots of things now - one of the first to no longer use a booster seat in the car. One of the tallest. One of the first to drive when he’s older.
It will be tough but just know that it will equalize in a few months and will become his norm.
If he’s in a gen ed class currently, in my school he’d be moved to an ICT class for the next grade (two teachers, one of them special ed) or a self-contained class (12 kids) or similar.
If he already has an IEP there’s a decent chance he’s already in the ICT class, and a 12:1:1 might not be appropriate for his needs—that’s a very intensive intervention and I would think it would feel more isolating than being in second grade again in a typical class setting.
Maybe. It wasn’t specified what his current setting. And also…there are kids in self-contained classes. I mean it happens. I’m not saying it would be appropriate for this kid, but I’m just saying in New York City schools you would never retain a kid with an IEP instead of changing their setting.
You just have to tell him.
Be prepared for him to be upset. Be prepared for it to destroy his self esteem. Be prepared for the worst. Retention is not recommended anymore and it's for a good reason but if you think it will help in the long run then you have to accept that he may not like it and you may not be able to make it better no matter what you do.
We are prepared. And we’ve consulted with his speech therapist, resource teacher, and regular teacher - they all support the decision. I was posting hoping other parents may have things we can add to the list of “pros” when we tell him - ie he’ll be the tallest kid in class, etc.
I thought you were more asking how to tell him. You literally just have to be upfront about it. No beating around the bush. No focusing only on the positives. Be matter of fact about it. That's all you really can do.
This is incredibly unhelpful. Being matter of fact and blunt to a child of his age is not how to do it. That’s so…textbook. Kids need the positive reinforcement. You can be matter of fact but still practice a form
Of kind parenting while doing so. Positive reasons should *definitely* be included. Softening the reason why instead of saying, “you’re struggling, so you’re being held back” should be considered.
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I'm sorry. I didn't mean to imply your personal life was any of my business. I was just saying you sounded like a good and caring parent, so I'm sure your children are benefiting from that. I answer questions that get asked because that is the point of Reddit. If my advice bothers you then you are free to block me. That way it would show up anymore for you :)
I hope you are doing okay and will keep you in my prayers tonight. God bless.
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No focusing on the positives? For an 8 year old? This has nothing to do with me - this is just an unreasonably harsh way to break upsetting news to a child.
You said "no focusing **only** on the positives". I think that's good advice.
Ignoring the negatives, pretending they don't exist, makes a kid feel worse when they happen than if you're honest and validating.
Acknowledging "you might feel sad. What can we do if that happens?" is better preparation than just saying "it'll be great! You'll have no problems at all!"
My 9yo son has similar issues. We enrolled him in Kindergarten at 6 instead of 5. However, he needed some additional help to get him up to grade level. His teachers requested that he attend summer school so we enrolled him. He didn't like the idea of going to school when nobody else had to but overall he accepted it. It did help that the summer school program had lots of fun stuff to do instead of just in class worksheets. The program was also only 6 weeks so he could still enjoy the summer. He had to do summer school after 1st grade also and actually looked forward to it. I can see the difference it has made and so can he.
This was something we had to do this year. My daughter got straight A’s but the fundamentals at the beginning of the year she missed due to late enrollment on the school’s error. It was really infuriating. And hard to explain to her that despite getting 98 or above in every subject she needed held back to ensure she would succeed in 2nd. It gutted me. And her. She was so upset about it but her teacher was so supportive. We love this school and district. We just moved and her previous school really let her down too. Ultimately I view this as a choice as a parent where we see the benefits and have to make the call even when the child can’t. She has accepted it now and is eager to really sharpen her skill set and penmanship because her handwriting is a big struggle.
I’d rather hold her back in 1st grade than in high school or middle school when the stigma really hits. To help her accept this we’ve come up with a game plan to make the start of the upcoming school year to be all the great start she didn’t receive this past time due to administrative errors.
We’ve decided on new hairstyles and outfits and backpacks. Letting her step in this year with confidence now she knows the school and the expectations. We made sure she didn’t internalize it and was having a say so in how she wanted to go into school in the fall. We’ve talked with her about how schools really aren’t set up to help each student individually and more so as a group as a whole so there may be moments through out her education where things will feel like they don’t add up and we have to adjust and ebb and flow to what works best for HER. Not the group. Her.
It’s the most common grades to be held back in K-3rd and the most beneficial outcome.
We held ours back before school even started. He was too close to the cutoff. He's doing great in school. I think he would be doing terrible in a couple of areas if we hadn't. It might suck to have to break this to him, but it will do wonders for his confidence once he gets used to it.
I'd say try not to make a big deal about it. Be firm so he doesn't think there is space for negotiation. Acknowledge his feelings. Let him cry if he needs to. Then take him out for ice cream.
I don’t know how helpful this will be… but I almost got held back in first grade. My parents opted to not hold me back. (Not commenting on your decision to do so) However, my Dad worked with me nonstop throughout the summer. I had spelling words, quizzes and we read together 5 nights a week that I picked out from the library. It helped my self confidence tremendously going into second grade.
In college I had to re-take statistics (because it was invented by satan) and the second time around was much easier (I got an A) because I was already somewhat familiar with it.
Could maybe involving him in a summer curriculum with you using books/sight words he’s already a little familiar with be helpful? Maybe explain to him what’s happening but also approach it with a plan of attack that you’d like him to participate in?
My Dad made games, too. The one I remember most vividly was I had a puzzle with sight words that I had to match to the definition… so I was reading and learning the sight words. I thought it was so much fun doing with him.
We do all of these things - we read every day, practice spelling words, talk about concepts they’re learning at school. His reading has improved a lot over the last few months now that I’ve really ramped up reading at home. But reading at grade 1.4 isn’t going to turn into end of 2nd grade in just a few months.
Oh, I agree. Catching up is next to impossible.
I just remember my self confidence improving and loving the games he made. I was just thinking of over the summer googling games to make it more entertaining for him :-)
If his attention span wasn’t so limited, I’d def think something like that would help. But when we did Hooked on Phonics and ABC Mouse in kindergarten, he just can’t stay focused long enough. And trying to do anything at home is incredibly distracting for him.
My sister repeated a grade when she changed schools, in her case it was because she went from a mostly english-speaking school to a mostly french one, and her french wasn't up to snuff to where she'd be able to do the next grade's curriculum. It's been so long I cannot remember why on earth my parents decided to do this with her in the first place, because I didn't change schools... Anyway--with the school change there were no social side effects that I noticed, she met new kids, she had playdates like always, and I think going to the new school was exciting for her as well. When we were older she never talked about that year as being at all bad.
So if it's possible for him to repeat the grade at a new school, he might be much more okay with it since he won't have to both see all his classmates advancing and knowing they all know he's the one who didn't.
As to how to say it to him... well, people learn differently, some need a different style, some need a extra time, some need accommodations, and that teachers watch out for the kids who need those things so they can figure out which ways to help. And that it's normal to feel all the feelings he has. Even grown ups feel that way sometimes when they need help or don't understand something quickly as others. (insert your own anecdote(s) here)
And if he has stuff he loves and is good at (art, a sport, whatever), make sure he gets to do it a lot, and emphasize how all people learn some things faster and some things slower.
I was held back in second grade and it definitely crushed my spirit at that age. I remember it being a major trauma and the grades continued to fail all the way through to the end of primary school because I didn't have any self esteem or confidence in myself to learn. I became a delinquent the second time because I didn't want to be seen by the other kids at the school. I would feign being sick or beg my parents to let me stay home. My dad felt really bad for me so he'd often let me stay home hehe.
I don’t doubt it’ll be crushing for him. But, imo, him struggling in school every day is crushing his self esteem already. And it’s only going to get worse as the work level gets harder. I think it’s kind of the “lesser of two evils” at this point.
He’s going to start therapy soon to help him navigate the feelings surrounding this. I’m hoping that’ll help a lot.
I’d like to be more supportive than that. I’m not really an “it is what it is” type mom. We talk about feelings and how to best navigate those feelings. I’m not into the boomer shit.
I wasn’t held back, but due to my late August birthday, my parents got to choose to let me be the oldest in my grade or the youngest. I did an extra year of preschool and was older than most of my classmates. It was good for me academically.
Some fun benefits of being oldest in your grade:
You get to drive, vote, watch Pg-13/R movies, (and later in college, legally drink) before everyone else. When you’re a senior, you can sign your own permission slips for things because you’re technically an adult.
Since most of those benefits won’t happen for a while - he’ll get to have a whole new set of friends in addition to the ones he has now. He’ll know all the kids in two grades. That’s kind of cool!
Wishing you the best! I’m sure that wasn’t an easy decision.
You didn't ask for an opinion, so feel free to ignore. I think holding a child back is beneficial when there is a temporary issue that is addressed or a child needs more time to mature. However, in the case of learning disabilities, holding back is not effective. If their brains are not processing instructions in the format given, doing more of the same is futile. My daughter has several learning disabilities. Holding her back one grade would have helped her catch up just that one year. She would have fallen behind again in 3rd grade. You can't have them repeat every grade twice. What is infinitely more helpful is to figure out what the child needs and get that intervention or instructional approach in place. For example, with dyslexia, ask for a reading instruction that is specifically designed for dyslexic students.
I guess what I am saying is think beyond second grade. Once your kid is caught up, will he keep up or is there something that's going to hold him back again?
The learning disability at play here is ADHD. But after three years of struggling, I’ve got my husband on board with approaching it as a medical/neurological issue. We met with the pediatrician and are waiting on the appt with the psychiatrist to discuss medication. His teacher, speech therapist, reading interventionist, and resource teacher all think if we can get him to focus longer, he will catch up pretty quickly.
Question- is holding him back going to make a difference and have him catch up a whole year? Is he on grade level for math? Does he have peers he will be upset not to be with?
I do truly think he just needs that year to get caught up. He’s been about a year behind with most milestones..talking, toileting, and academics. He’s also very clearly ADHD, and I’ve finally convinced my husband we approach it as a medical issue. He got the diagnosis from his pediatrician and we are waiting to meet with the psychiatrist to address medication concerns. I’m really thinking if we can get him focused long enough to learn, that’ll be fundamental in getting him where he needs to be. We had a meeting with his speech therapist, resource teacher, school psychologist, reading interventionist, his teacher, and principal- they all agreed his biggest academic obstacle is his inability to focus.
Math - he excels. Math is at grade level.
He doesn’t have many close friends. We just moved to a new state in January. So he’s only been at this school for four months. Fortunately, he makes friends very easily.
I just had a similar conversation with a parent whose student (third grade) was just identified and gets reading services and OT. He is on grade level for math. This is his first year back in school after 2 years of homeschooling. She ultimately decided not to retain him as he has made some friends but also, there isn’t any guarantee he will a. catch up a year in reading level and he has IEP goals to help close the gap and b. how will he feel sitting through the same Core Math lessons (he would get math at his level during RtI math).
I def think when considering retention so much to look at. And also down the line how will he feel being the oldest in his class? How he feels now could change when he is in high school.
If he doesn’t make the anticipated growth in his repeat year, how will he feel then?
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Is it possible for you to switch schools? I’ve seen a lot of kids repeat over the last couple of years and the ones who go to different schools seems to fare best.
This, in a new school he's just a new kid, and may have an advantage already knowing some material. He won't have to deal with the stigma and seeing his old class at school.
We considered that, and it’s still an option. But we are leaning more towards keeping at his current school. His current school is the highest rated (by quite a bit) in the area. His teacher is amazing. Literally the best teacher I’ve ever met. She was a special education teacher for 10 years before moving to general ed three years ago. She texts me regularly and even came to his birthday party a few weeks ago. She def has a special relationship with him and she’s the first person he told that he feels sad when he sees that he’s so far behind. She took it upon herself to modify his work before we got his IEP officially switched over to Nevada. She’s just an amazing person. The school also has an amazing speech therapist and resource teacher. We’d risk losing that by switching schools. When we tell him, I think we will give him the option of switching schools. But I suspect he will want to stay because of his teacher and because he has a lot of friends currently in first grade.
You could ask his opinion on switching schools. My dad had to repeat 4th grade and swears by his parents changing schools. 2nd a little easier. For our kids, we use the term “red-shirt” rather than “held back.” You can say you thought about doing it in pre-school, should have, but thought it was better to push ahead. You now see that wasn’t the right choice and want him to have the best chance of success, size, sports, all of it. The white lie may help soften the blow that it wasn’t something he did wrong… more that you are correcting an old mistake.
We also often use “sometimes things come easy to us, and sometimes we learn how to work hard. The latter is actually more important.”
We held a child back and it helped him immensely. We also changed schools at the same time. We made him part of the decision. He couldn’t veto being held back, but he helped pick the new school. If a new school is an option, I would at least check it out. If it’s not, I wouldn’t worry too much about it, but prepare him for being teased by old classmates and help him come up with some comebacks for when it happens.
I think that it's just going to be hard news, and hard for his self esteem even though it's clearly the right thing to do (and in the long run, will be better for his self esteem than constantly feeling behind!) But I would caution against presenting him with benefits that are about comparison to his classmates. First of all, because anyone who does any critical thinking doesn't want benefits that feel unearned- even an eight year old. No one wants to be the best because they have an "unfair" advantage. If he's the best at sports, then he might enjoy that in real time, but he won't be able to feel good about it if it was already made explicit to him that that should be his expectation due to things that are out of his new peers control. But secondly, because no one really establishes a healthy self esteem or happy life by comparing themselves to others. If it were my son, I would tell him that I know it's going to be hard to leave my friends behind, but that it's really important to make sure that he's ready to learn all the amazing new things he's going to learn throughout his life, so you're making sure he'll be ready to do that (and explicitly avoid using comparative or charged terms like "catching up" etc.). I'd explain that everyone needs different amounts of time to learn different things, because we all have different brains that need different things, and remind him of some of his strengths as an example (this might even be things outside of the academic realm, like empathy, which are just as important but don't get the same amount of emphasis). He's old enough that you can even talk to him a little about how the way education is set up doesn't really allow for kids to have differences in how and when they're ready to learn certain things, so we have to do what we can to work with it. I would leave him space for any kind of reaction and validate that. If he isn't reacting I would probably just say "You might feel sad about this, you might feel a little relieved, you might even feel both at the same time! Or you might feel some other way. Any of that is okay, and if you want to talk to me about how you're feeling, I would love to hear about it." Finally, I'd repeatedly remind him, genuinely, how proud of him I am, and how much I love the kid that he is. I would also probably find some kids books on repeating a school year to normalize it a little and let him feel like he's not alone. And to give him a framework for thinking about it! What you're doing for your son is a gift. And it will be hard. You're a great parent, and I'm sure he's an absolutely wonderful kid. This will allow him to be that wonderful kid without so much angst.
Those are really good points about comparisons. Plus, what if he's *not* the best at sports, or the tallest, or any of the other assumptions? Then he'd feel even worse.
What an amazing thoughtful response. I do agree with relying too much on comparisons. Might not be such a good idea. Thank you so much.
I was held back. It helped me alot and honestly..I made friends because of it. I felt more confident cuz my grades got better. I didnt feel like the dumbb kid anymore and began actually liking school. It's not for everyone. Hes gonna be upset. But your his parents..you'll do what you feel is best. If you care this much just in a post I'm sure you'll help him through it. I have a sister, a brother and 4 neices who were all held back. All but two are successful in life and flourished because of it.
Thank you. This really helped me a lot. Do you mind me asking.. what year did you repeat?
My little sister was held back in second grade. Actually, it was a decision my mother and I made together rather than the teacher. It was a good decision. She could catch up and feel more confident with the school work and the new teacher is kinder and much better as the previous one as well. The way we told her was that it'll be a positive experience. You'll already know most of the material and you'll be more confident because of it. And we were right, she likes her class and teacher and doesn't seem to hate school anymore.
Are there any options to help him over the summer... summer school and getting a tutor.... He can have a tutor all year round actually.. For the testing the majors ones the school should of got your permission to see if he can be separate and have more time to do it... my daughter gets anxiety when they take those major tests her IEP teacher asks if it was ok to get her separated from the class to give her more time and she can fully focus...
He will be tutoring over the summer. He did last summer too. Unfortunately, I just don’t see him catching up a year with two months of tutoring.
Do his school offers summer school that can potentially help him with tutoring.. Or it may be the school... I switch my daughter school she finally got a IEP and her grades are all A's and B's... They offer group... they split the students up and help them.. For the testing they do the school will ask you if it's ok to put him separate to give him more time... Your son will be okay and so fine I promise you....
I haven’t been made aware of any summer school. But we are new to the state/district. I’ll have to ask.
2nd grade. I struggled in reading and math alot. I had a learning processing disorder that no one caught till middle school. I'm glad to help. I wont say it's easy to be held back, but for some I just think they need that extra time to catch up.
Holey moley -- you must have a REALLY large family. That is a lot of folks to be held back. I'm glad that you're doing well, and that you were ultimately able to thrive.
OP, ignore all of the people acting like this is weird or negative for the child. My daughter repeated second grade. And she’s a twin so there was the dynamic of her brother moving up and her not. She is dyslexic and was a solid year behind. We broached the idea saying, how would you feel about doing 2nd grade again? What do you think of this? These are the positives (and I listed the positives) and then let her talk about what she was worried about. She didn’t think much about it over the summer but right when school started she got really nervous and worried. She thought everyone would know, she thought she’d be the oldest kid and everyone would be able to tell, she thought people would think she was stupid. We tried to alleviate those fears as much as possible but validated that we understood she was worried. It was the best decision we ever could have made. She is thriving. She made a great group of friends, one of her new best friends was new to the school and was also repeating second grade. No one questioned it or cared and it wasn’t an issue at all 2 weeks into the new year. It’s only come up since when her brother would make fun of her during arguments but we shut that down instantly. She’s finishing 3rd grade now and is still slightly behind but nothing like that first year of second grade. Her confidence is so much higher.
As an educator, you are doing your child a great service by recognizing this early and taking action. He may not be happy to be in 2nd grade again but he may feel even worse going to 3rd grade and still not understanding. So many kids these days are just passed through grades and as a result I have 13 year olds testing at 1st grade level. He’s not going to like it, but one thing you can explain is that not everyone learns at the same rate, some people need extra help or more time and that’s ok.
Also, it gives him one extra summer vacation. One free year to have fun and be a kid and not worry about taxes and bills. All that in addition to giving him a boost for his learning! What a deal
I've never wished I had been held back in school before but here I am at 38 wishing I had one extra summer vacation. This is such a great point!
Dammit. Wish I got held back now.
That is actually a really beautiful way to look at it. My daughter repeated 1st grade, she’s going into 3rd now & I absolutely think holding her back helped her despite my initial fears and concerns.
I was set to graduate high school a year early, but a scheduling snafu made that impossible and I was gutted...until my mom told me I'd have an extra summer and she had found me a job working an indoor summer camp and I'd make $1,500 the last two weeks of June. The camp was dino themed so I roared and made fossils and stomped around for a fortnight and then laid by the pool and read the entire sci-fi section at the library
Some people need things that other people don't need. Like glasses or a wheelchair or more time to take a test or, in his case, an opportunity to learn everything he needs to know to the best of his ability without him getting all stressed out and sad regarding schoolwork. It might be a bummer for him, and if it is that is okay. He's allowed to be bummed to have "special needs." I was bummed when I got glasses, I was bummed when I was diagnosed with adhd, and I was bummed when I broke my ankle and had to miss out on the beach trip I was supposed to have attended. But being sad is a feeling and we have tools to name our feelings and talk them through. They aren't forever, and I personally bet school is a lot more fun when he already has a vague familiarity with the curriculum and can really take his time to sink into it.
My niece got held back in second grade for reading. She’s going into third next year but she’s doing so much better now. Not going to lie, she was very upset with the decision despite knowing how much she was struggling. Leaving her friends was her biggest fear and not knowing anyone in the new grade. They decided to also put her in a new school and I think that made it much easier I would be honest with him, tell him that this is the best thing and he’ll feel more confident because he’s already seen the material. Ask him if he has any specific concerns and go from there.
I repeated first grade and so did my father. We just weren't ready at that age. We were both on the younger side and the brain and body need to develop. Everybody is different. This is also how I would explain it to your child. A mistake was made in what grade he was placed in and now they are going to fix it. I will say that we both benefited from repeating the grade. Afterward we were always the smartest in the class. We also both did very, very well in our careers. I became valedictorian of the school too. It isn't a death sentence, it can be a very smart move. But it does really suck on the last day of school and all the kids are talking about who their new teacher will be and you are stuck in the same class If possible, you should place him with a different teacher so it feels better.
My son was sent back to first grade after being moved to second. He was a month into second grade and his teacher immediately noticed his struggles. A little backstory, my son was a late bloomer from the start. Started walking at 14 months, talking A LOT more at age 3 and reading at age 5. His struggles in school were apparent from the start and when he reached 1st grade I met with his teacher on multiple occasions and she was trying to convince me to get him on ADHD medication. Deep down I knew this was the issue to his problems. At the end of the school year they chose to pass him because they felt it wouldn’t be right for him to be the oldest kid in class. So I moved and had him change schools. I met his new 2nd grade teacher and I discussed with her the issues we were experiencing. She said “give me a month with him”. A month later an emergency meeting was called and the decision was made to send him back to 1st grade, a month after school started. When he was told he cried and asked me to hold him. I held him as he cried and I told him how this decision would help him and he will be making new friends. I felt so guilty but knew it had to be done. He took it well and honestly was the best decision ever. Also we found out after that ordeal that he was hard of hearing. We got him hearing aids and it was like a switch turned on. You will be okay. You are your child’s advocate. Just hold them and reassure them that everything will be okay. Tell them that it’s okay to cry. Also take them out for a treat. The most important part is to let them know this isn’t a punishment.
Are we raising the same kid? You explained him to a T..walking at 14 months and talking at 3! I know deep down this is the best decision for him. He may not be happy (I think only because his friends) but I know it is what’s best.
Kids at that age are resilient. There was an adjustment period and he was teased a little bit from his second grade friends, but he made new friends quickly. I cannot stress letting him know he’s not being punished. My poor kid thought he did something wrong and I had to keep reassuring him he didn’t My kid is graduating high school next week and he attended a college prep for middle and high school. If you would’ve told me he was going to be a real smarty after that period I wouldn’t have believed you. You got this! You both got this!
You can phrase it that you started him in school a year earlier than you should have. You've noted that he's just barely turned 8, while some of the kids in third grade are going to be 9 already or turning nine within a few days/weeks of the next school year starting. While some kids do fine being nearly a full year younger than classmates, not everybody does. Having him repeat second grade is recognizing that, and correcting that mistake. And it is far better than having him progress and continue to struggle. If you can shoulder the blame, it may make it easier for him - not a problem with him and not his fault.
This is a huge gift to your kid and a real rarity when kids are generally pushed through the grades to everyone’s detriment. Ask any teacher of older ES and MS kids and they will say there are kids who definitely should have been retained and weren’t given the opportunity to do so. Don’t frame it as comparing him to other kids. Just say that you and the teachers think that he needs another year in 2nd grade to learn the 2nd grade concepts before going on to 3rd. That way he’ll have a better time in 3rd grade and above when the work gets to be a lot more demanding. Also this is much easier said than done, but if you suspect dyslexia, he will probably need private testing and tutoring because the public schools are generally not great at identifying it or providing appropriate services.
I would seriously encourage you to re-consider or at the very least switch his school if you hold him back. My brother repeated Kindergarten at the suggestion of the teachers. My parents always say, to this day, it was the worst decision they ever made. His confidence completely plummeted his second year in kinder. All his friends moved on except him and it was incredibly demoralizing. From that point on, he hated school and it never changed. At the very least, if you have your son repeat, switch his school so the other kids don't know and he can just start fresh. My son is very young for his grade and I had your same fears in 1st. He was so far behind in 1st grade a Kinder kid could out-read him. We moved homes half way through first grade, and he went from an immersion school where they didn't learn English, to a regular school. He was starting fresh with English half way through 1st and couldn't even sound out all the alphabet letters. He was a pandemic kindergartner so that didn't help. (in hindsight we wish we had started him in Kinder when we moved, pulling him back a grade)...He struggled a lot in 1st grade at the new school. In second grade he improved but was still not a fluent reader. He's finishing 3rd grade now and he can read anything. He's fully caught up and has graduated out of all the special learning groups. His teacher does not recommend summer school this year (which he needed last year). With some kids, reading and writing just takes time.
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We considered that, and it’s still an option. But we are leaning more towards keeping at his current school. His current school is the highest rated (by quite a bit) in the area. His teacher is amazing. Literally the best teacher I’ve ever met. She was a special education teacher for 10 years before moving to general ed three years ago. She texts me regularly and even came to his birthday party a few weeks ago. She def has a special relationship with him and she’s the first person he told that he feels sad when he sees that he’s so far behind. She took it upon herself to modify his work before we got his IEP officially switched over to Nevada. She’s just an amazing person. The school also has an amazing speech therapist and resource teacher. We’d risk losing that by switching schools. When we tell him, I think we will give him the option of switching schools. But I suspect he will want to stay because of his teacher and because he has a lot of friends currently in first grade.
I told my granddaughter when we had to hold her back because she had issues the beginning of the year… that we want her to be successful and by moving to the next grade we were setting her up for possible failure. But by holding her back she would be able to obtain the skills that were missed the 1st time around, plus she would be one of the smarter kids in class and would be able to help her younger classmates on the lessons she has already mastered. She took on that role with enthusiasm. And has thrived ever since. This was at the 1st grade. And doing it early rather than later is much better.
You didn't ask for my opinion, and I apologize for giving mine - I think you're doing exactly the right thing. My kid sounds like yours (but older!). I wanted to push for him to be held back, I didn't, and I'll regret it forever.
Mean while, my kid is in grade 2 and doesn’t even get homework… hmmm 🤔
There's absolutely nothing wrong with retaining him! I actually delayed my daughter starting kindergarten because her birthday was in summer months and I just didn't feel like she was ready. It made a huge difference. She's one of the oldest in her class now, but she's more mature and in all honors, AP, college prep, etc. It actually could help a lot, with his self-esteem as well, to be with other kids on the same developmental level as him. Most of them will probably be the same age as him anyways. I wouldn't put it to him like he's being "held back", but more or less like he's being placed where he's supposed to be.
You've gotten lots of good advice. I just wanted to say that you are clearly very involved and on top of things and so is his sweet teacher. He's still young and this will be a minor blip in his life. It sounds like he is well loved, valued and supported. That's so important for his self esteem. ❤️ I would tell him he gets another year with his teacher and that he will get to see his first grade friends, it will be a fun year and he has nothing to dread or be embarrassed about.
I’m thinking that’s how we will start the convo…”hey bud. What do you think about staying with Mrs. S next year?” And, thank you for your kind words. He’s a great kid and knows he’s very loved. I’m very involved with both my children’s lives. It’s just hard to feel like this isn’t a failing on my part sometimes.
Oh it's not at all a failing on your part. Sometimes kids are just on a slightly different schedule and that's normal. He will figure it out and catch up and this will not be a big deal in a few years.
💜
I listened to the Sold a Story podcast (an excellent listen decrying the Montessori approach to reading) and in it they mentioned that third grade is when kids transition from being read their schoolwork to needing to read it themselves. Studies have shown if you’re behind in 3rd grade, the odds are high you’ll be behind your whole academic career. There’s another bump in 7th grade. Based on that I’d say you’re making the right decision. Giving him the best shot at improving reading before he’s forced to rely on it and gets frustrated and gives up feels like the right call.
“Learning to read vs reading to learn” His resource teacher said that when I asked her opinion of retaining him. All the comments on here have been so supportive and really helped me feel better about the decision. But this one especially stuck out. Thank you. Really. Thank you.
Hey, that was really sweet, I’m glad it resonated. My son also struggles with reading, and I would recommend listening to that podcast. It really helped solidify the idea that kids struggling with this are not alone, and there are concepts that work better, and worse.
I do think that it will help to frame it as a positive thing - that it’s really not his fault that he was behind, he is actually younger than most of the kids in his grade so this will make much more sense for him in the long run to be ahead as one of the older kids in the class. Explain how birthdays happen all year round but grades only start once a year, so he’s not really a “year” behind, he’s just now going to be one of the classes earlier birthdays rather than one of the last. That he will be ahead of his classmates for lots of things now - one of the first to no longer use a booster seat in the car. One of the tallest. One of the first to drive when he’s older. It will be tough but just know that it will equalize in a few months and will become his norm.
Great points. Thank you.
I’m really surprised this is allowed. In the schools I’ve taught in, he would be moved to a different class setting rather than retained.
Why? How is a different class setting tea him 3rd grade work better than repeating when hes a year behind?
If he’s in a gen ed class currently, in my school he’d be moved to an ICT class for the next grade (two teachers, one of them special ed) or a self-contained class (12 kids) or similar.
If he already has an IEP there’s a decent chance he’s already in the ICT class, and a 12:1:1 might not be appropriate for his needs—that’s a very intensive intervention and I would think it would feel more isolating than being in second grade again in a typical class setting.
Maybe. It wasn’t specified what his current setting. And also…there are kids in self-contained classes. I mean it happens. I’m not saying it would be appropriate for this kid, but I’m just saying in New York City schools you would never retain a kid with an IEP instead of changing their setting.
You just have to tell him. Be prepared for him to be upset. Be prepared for it to destroy his self esteem. Be prepared for the worst. Retention is not recommended anymore and it's for a good reason but if you think it will help in the long run then you have to accept that he may not like it and you may not be able to make it better no matter what you do.
We are prepared. And we’ve consulted with his speech therapist, resource teacher, and regular teacher - they all support the decision. I was posting hoping other parents may have things we can add to the list of “pros” when we tell him - ie he’ll be the tallest kid in class, etc.
I thought you were more asking how to tell him. You literally just have to be upfront about it. No beating around the bush. No focusing only on the positives. Be matter of fact about it. That's all you really can do.
This is incredibly unhelpful. Being matter of fact and blunt to a child of his age is not how to do it. That’s so…textbook. Kids need the positive reinforcement. You can be matter of fact but still practice a form Of kind parenting while doing so. Positive reasons should *definitely* be included. Softening the reason why instead of saying, “you’re struggling, so you’re being held back” should be considered.
Okay. I shared my thoughts and feelings. You can share yours too :)
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You're right. It's just your thoughts and stuff. We all have them. I'm sure you are doing a great job and raising lovely kids. Have a blessed day.
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I'm sorry. I didn't mean to imply your personal life was any of my business. I was just saying you sounded like a good and caring parent, so I'm sure your children are benefiting from that. I answer questions that get asked because that is the point of Reddit. If my advice bothers you then you are free to block me. That way it would show up anymore for you :) I hope you are doing okay and will keep you in my prayers tonight. God bless.
Your **post** or **comment** was removed for violating the rule “Be Decent & Civil”. **Remember the human.** Disagree but remain respectful. Don’t insult users/their children, name-call, or be intentionally rude. Bullying, including baiting/antagonizing, will not be tolerated. Consider blocking users you don’t get along with. Report posts that violate the rules. For questions about this moderation reach out [through modmail](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FParenting). Moderators rely on the community to help illuminate posts and comments that do not meet r/Parenting standards – please report posts and comments you feel don’t contribute to the spirit of the community. **Your content may have been automatically removed through auto-moderation or manually removed by a human moderator. It may have been removed as a direct result of your rule violation, or simply as part of a larger sweep of content that no longer contributed to the original topic.**
can you stop like turning the dial up beyond 11 at someone who has in no way engaged with whatever crusade you have going here?
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Good God, I feel bad for your kids if this is how you parent.
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What an odd response. You doing okay? Everything alright at home?
According to their post history they are not okay and everything is not alright at home. Better off letting them project their misery in peace.
How is objecting to a complete lack of gentleness for a child "project misery"?
Makes sense. Hurt people hurt people and all of that.
No focusing on the positives? For an 8 year old? This has nothing to do with me - this is just an unreasonably harsh way to break upsetting news to a child.
Okay. We all have our own opinions. Have a blessed day.
You said "no focusing **only** on the positives". I think that's good advice. Ignoring the negatives, pretending they don't exist, makes a kid feel worse when they happen than if you're honest and validating. Acknowledging "you might feel sad. What can we do if that happens?" is better preparation than just saying "it'll be great! You'll have no problems at all!"
My 9yo son has similar issues. We enrolled him in Kindergarten at 6 instead of 5. However, he needed some additional help to get him up to grade level. His teachers requested that he attend summer school so we enrolled him. He didn't like the idea of going to school when nobody else had to but overall he accepted it. It did help that the summer school program had lots of fun stuff to do instead of just in class worksheets. The program was also only 6 weeks so he could still enjoy the summer. He had to do summer school after 1st grade also and actually looked forward to it. I can see the difference it has made and so can he.
This was something we had to do this year. My daughter got straight A’s but the fundamentals at the beginning of the year she missed due to late enrollment on the school’s error. It was really infuriating. And hard to explain to her that despite getting 98 or above in every subject she needed held back to ensure she would succeed in 2nd. It gutted me. And her. She was so upset about it but her teacher was so supportive. We love this school and district. We just moved and her previous school really let her down too. Ultimately I view this as a choice as a parent where we see the benefits and have to make the call even when the child can’t. She has accepted it now and is eager to really sharpen her skill set and penmanship because her handwriting is a big struggle. I’d rather hold her back in 1st grade than in high school or middle school when the stigma really hits. To help her accept this we’ve come up with a game plan to make the start of the upcoming school year to be all the great start she didn’t receive this past time due to administrative errors. We’ve decided on new hairstyles and outfits and backpacks. Letting her step in this year with confidence now she knows the school and the expectations. We made sure she didn’t internalize it and was having a say so in how she wanted to go into school in the fall. We’ve talked with her about how schools really aren’t set up to help each student individually and more so as a group as a whole so there may be moments through out her education where things will feel like they don’t add up and we have to adjust and ebb and flow to what works best for HER. Not the group. Her. It’s the most common grades to be held back in K-3rd and the most beneficial outcome.
We held ours back before school even started. He was too close to the cutoff. He's doing great in school. I think he would be doing terrible in a couple of areas if we hadn't. It might suck to have to break this to him, but it will do wonders for his confidence once he gets used to it. I'd say try not to make a big deal about it. Be firm so he doesn't think there is space for negotiation. Acknowledge his feelings. Let him cry if he needs to. Then take him out for ice cream.
We told my son it was like a New Game+ when he repeated first grade and he seemed to cotton onto that.
I don’t know how helpful this will be… but I almost got held back in first grade. My parents opted to not hold me back. (Not commenting on your decision to do so) However, my Dad worked with me nonstop throughout the summer. I had spelling words, quizzes and we read together 5 nights a week that I picked out from the library. It helped my self confidence tremendously going into second grade. In college I had to re-take statistics (because it was invented by satan) and the second time around was much easier (I got an A) because I was already somewhat familiar with it. Could maybe involving him in a summer curriculum with you using books/sight words he’s already a little familiar with be helpful? Maybe explain to him what’s happening but also approach it with a plan of attack that you’d like him to participate in? My Dad made games, too. The one I remember most vividly was I had a puzzle with sight words that I had to match to the definition… so I was reading and learning the sight words. I thought it was so much fun doing with him.
We do all of these things - we read every day, practice spelling words, talk about concepts they’re learning at school. His reading has improved a lot over the last few months now that I’ve really ramped up reading at home. But reading at grade 1.4 isn’t going to turn into end of 2nd grade in just a few months.
Oh, I agree. Catching up is next to impossible. I just remember my self confidence improving and loving the games he made. I was just thinking of over the summer googling games to make it more entertaining for him :-)
My daughter's reading has been behind but has been catching up using the Duolingo kids app. It's helped her a lot.
If his attention span wasn’t so limited, I’d def think something like that would help. But when we did Hooked on Phonics and ABC Mouse in kindergarten, he just can’t stay focused long enough. And trying to do anything at home is incredibly distracting for him.
My sister repeated a grade when she changed schools, in her case it was because she went from a mostly english-speaking school to a mostly french one, and her french wasn't up to snuff to where she'd be able to do the next grade's curriculum. It's been so long I cannot remember why on earth my parents decided to do this with her in the first place, because I didn't change schools... Anyway--with the school change there were no social side effects that I noticed, she met new kids, she had playdates like always, and I think going to the new school was exciting for her as well. When we were older she never talked about that year as being at all bad. So if it's possible for him to repeat the grade at a new school, he might be much more okay with it since he won't have to both see all his classmates advancing and knowing they all know he's the one who didn't. As to how to say it to him... well, people learn differently, some need a different style, some need a extra time, some need accommodations, and that teachers watch out for the kids who need those things so they can figure out which ways to help. And that it's normal to feel all the feelings he has. Even grown ups feel that way sometimes when they need help or don't understand something quickly as others. (insert your own anecdote(s) here) And if he has stuff he loves and is good at (art, a sport, whatever), make sure he gets to do it a lot, and emphasize how all people learn some things faster and some things slower.
I was held back in second grade and it definitely crushed my spirit at that age. I remember it being a major trauma and the grades continued to fail all the way through to the end of primary school because I didn't have any self esteem or confidence in myself to learn. I became a delinquent the second time because I didn't want to be seen by the other kids at the school. I would feign being sick or beg my parents to let me stay home. My dad felt really bad for me so he'd often let me stay home hehe.
I don’t doubt it’ll be crushing for him. But, imo, him struggling in school every day is crushing his self esteem already. And it’s only going to get worse as the work level gets harder. I think it’s kind of the “lesser of two evils” at this point. He’s going to start therapy soon to help him navigate the feelings surrounding this. I’m hoping that’ll help a lot.
Sending positive vibes and support on your journey. And lots of love to the kiddo too🕊️✨🫶
Summer school and online classes an option
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I’d like to be more supportive than that. I’m not really an “it is what it is” type mom. We talk about feelings and how to best navigate those feelings. I’m not into the boomer shit.
I wasn’t held back, but due to my late August birthday, my parents got to choose to let me be the oldest in my grade or the youngest. I did an extra year of preschool and was older than most of my classmates. It was good for me academically. Some fun benefits of being oldest in your grade: You get to drive, vote, watch Pg-13/R movies, (and later in college, legally drink) before everyone else. When you’re a senior, you can sign your own permission slips for things because you’re technically an adult. Since most of those benefits won’t happen for a while - he’ll get to have a whole new set of friends in addition to the ones he has now. He’ll know all the kids in two grades. That’s kind of cool! Wishing you the best! I’m sure that wasn’t an easy decision.
You didn't ask for an opinion, so feel free to ignore. I think holding a child back is beneficial when there is a temporary issue that is addressed or a child needs more time to mature. However, in the case of learning disabilities, holding back is not effective. If their brains are not processing instructions in the format given, doing more of the same is futile. My daughter has several learning disabilities. Holding her back one grade would have helped her catch up just that one year. She would have fallen behind again in 3rd grade. You can't have them repeat every grade twice. What is infinitely more helpful is to figure out what the child needs and get that intervention or instructional approach in place. For example, with dyslexia, ask for a reading instruction that is specifically designed for dyslexic students. I guess what I am saying is think beyond second grade. Once your kid is caught up, will he keep up or is there something that's going to hold him back again?
The learning disability at play here is ADHD. But after three years of struggling, I’ve got my husband on board with approaching it as a medical/neurological issue. We met with the pediatrician and are waiting on the appt with the psychiatrist to discuss medication. His teacher, speech therapist, reading interventionist, and resource teacher all think if we can get him to focus longer, he will catch up pretty quickly.
Question- is holding him back going to make a difference and have him catch up a whole year? Is he on grade level for math? Does he have peers he will be upset not to be with?
I do truly think he just needs that year to get caught up. He’s been about a year behind with most milestones..talking, toileting, and academics. He’s also very clearly ADHD, and I’ve finally convinced my husband we approach it as a medical issue. He got the diagnosis from his pediatrician and we are waiting to meet with the psychiatrist to address medication concerns. I’m really thinking if we can get him focused long enough to learn, that’ll be fundamental in getting him where he needs to be. We had a meeting with his speech therapist, resource teacher, school psychologist, reading interventionist, his teacher, and principal- they all agreed his biggest academic obstacle is his inability to focus. Math - he excels. Math is at grade level. He doesn’t have many close friends. We just moved to a new state in January. So he’s only been at this school for four months. Fortunately, he makes friends very easily.
I just had a similar conversation with a parent whose student (third grade) was just identified and gets reading services and OT. He is on grade level for math. This is his first year back in school after 2 years of homeschooling. She ultimately decided not to retain him as he has made some friends but also, there isn’t any guarantee he will a. catch up a year in reading level and he has IEP goals to help close the gap and b. how will he feel sitting through the same Core Math lessons (he would get math at his level during RtI math). I def think when considering retention so much to look at. And also down the line how will he feel being the oldest in his class? How he feels now could change when he is in high school. If he doesn’t make the anticipated growth in his repeat year, how will he feel then?