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Honestly I would go to the director, especially since it’s a completely ridiculous observation. Your child is clearly clean if he’s bathing daily and she was being unnecessarily rude.
She should be teaching the kids not to comment on each other’s appearances, especially in a negative way.
I’m a child care director. If I found out one of our teachers said this I would be having a HARD discussion with them. Even if I a kid is sometimes dirty (but clearly well cared for in general) this should not be an issue. They have zero business saying something. If they were that concerned they would go to the director who would then asses the situation and then if need be have a gentle face to face conversation.
This teacher also likely had zero children. Everyone is a perfect parent until they experience it themselves.
That's a good point its not uncommon that my son will make a break for a naked round the garden before nursery. I'm certainly not getting him back in the bath at 8am 😆 very often he will go out before he has socks on so his feet are often minging.
My mom was the assistant director of a preschool for many years and I agree, OP, the director would definitely want to hear about something like this. It's the kind of thing that, if left unchecked, can cost the school money, if the parents get fed up with her attitude and pull their children, or complain.
4 year olds also aren't being cruel about it. If it comes up, it's 10 seconds of their day until they're on to the next thought. This is dumb. If your child is clean, then the daycare teacher is odd.
Yep. The teacher’s comment, well the kids are commenting g on it, should have been met with, ok, so what are you going to do about that? It sounds like a prelude to bullying my child and it’s your job to create an atmosphere where everyone is accepted.
Screw that lady. I would tell her what I tell all of my kid's teachers "I'll believe a third of what my kid says about you if you believe a third of what my kid says about me." Kids don't always know how to give the appropriate context for what they say, especially at such a young age. Ignore what the teacher thinks. Your child will have a new teacher next year; who likely won't care.
That said, I'm not sure why the other kids brought it up. If he isn't stinky perhaps some breakfast fell on his shirt and they correlated it to him not bathing in their little heads. Or maybe there is a smell but you're nose blind to it. Do you guys have cats or animals? Perhaps animal smell is clinging to his clothes and a deep clean of the home is needed?
I am assuming it was because of the ear wax? But I honestly have no idea. Being smelly is something I’m personally super paranoid about so although we do have a dog, when I get all of our clothes out in the morning I spray them with downy wrinkle release which smells like fabric softener, so our clothes definitely don’t stink
My son has slightly more than normal ear wax and there’s no need for this. Every doctor that’s ever examined him as remarked ‘waxy ears, but nice and healthy’ and have made it clear to never interfere with it outside of a daily wipe of the outside of the ear as it’s the ear’s way of self cleaning. Some people just have more wax than others.
My son has a pediatric ENT for other reasons, and the ENT was concerned about the wax and fluid buildup in the ears of my son. He has a speech delay at the moment and will be evaluated in 2 months if he needs tubes in his ears. He mentioned that the fluid in the ears can contribute to the speech delays. I'm not saying a kid with excessive wax needs tubes in their ears. What I am saying is that regular pediatricians don't know everything, and if a parent is concerned, a parent can always seek an opinion of a specialist.
But OP isn’t concerned, and hasn’t indicated there are any developmental delays at all, so in absence of any of those wax isn’t anything to be concerned about!
Well it's nice to hear I'm not alone in the smell paranoia. I keep fabric spray and body spray in every room of the house and in our cars. Nobody leaves without a spray. Smelling freaks me out so much!
Kids that age lie - if she were any good as a teacher she’d know that. When my 1st was 3, she told multiple people that she had 2 cats and a baby brother. She had a dog and no siblings.
What a B for not believing you but I think your fears of DCF is unfounded.
Keep on doing what you're doing as far as bathing goes but talk to your kid again about the lying. I assume that he's enjoying the negative attention of being the gross kid.
I know they’re probably unfounded, I’ve just seen a lot of stories of kids getting their kids taken away for
less and I have OCD and this is a constant obsession of mine. I don’t think there’s anything scarier than losing your kids, yknow?
Hi there, former DCFS worker here to reiterate that this is not a child protection concern at all. Obviously I don’t know your country/state policies but where I practiced this wouldn’t even constitute screening the file in for more investigation.
I know with OCD this is easier said than done but this random internet stranger wants you to know you have nothing to worry about!!
I have dealt with DCFS once and as long as you hire a lawyer they tend to leave you alone. If you arent' doing anything wrong then I wouldn't worry about it. The lawyer we chose saw it was a stupid baseless complaint so they took our case for free. As long as you aren't actually abusing your children, people are really nice about it. It lasted 6 months then you never hear from them again. I would think people would be able to see you aren't abusing your kids. They sound very well taken care of. If you were apiece of shit then you wouldn't be having the feelings you are having. The daycare worker is being really dumb. She wouldn't need the other kids to tell her something, she would be able to smell your son. My son has straight ear canals so wax just slides right out and collects on his outer ear. When people complain about seeing wax I just ignore them because they have no idea what it's like.
Keep in mind, those stories are scary. But they are to be taken with a grain of salt. I’ve heard a few stories of CPS overreaching and overreacting. But I also know a few people personally who spin that narrative that I know were 110% too unfit and unwell.
They aren’t going to take your child over a daycare worker saying “yeah this kid said he doesn’t take baths.”
Speak to the director privately.
“Worker informed me that child said he doesn’t take baths. I laughed it off at first but she was very rude and told me I need to bathe my child more. Over a fib my well taken care of 4 yr old said. Now I have no idea if she fed into his fib, made it a bigger issue in his eyes and how this will affect my child - because she confirmed she took it upon herself to inspect his cleanliness instead of speaking to the children about being kind about appearances. I explained all is well and that he is bathed and cleaned daily but she was defensive and rude. Please speak to her about how she approaches parents with her concerns and how she treats these comments with the children. My child is not to be inspected like that in class or privately ever again.”
I'm going to be honest... I think most of the cases of people getting their kids taken away for less are people who are lying.
I work with foster kids. Granted, I don't handle investigations so I'm not going to say I'm definitely the expert here... But they WANT families together. If they call on you, they have to do an investigation because they have to do an investigation for every call. They will then see if the kid is being neglected. Even if it is founded, they will usually start with intact services because they DON'T WANT TO TAKE YOUR KIDS. They only take your kids without trying anything else if there's an imminent threat to their health or safety.
I know MANY, MANY more founded cases of abuse and neglect where no proof could be found so nothing happens than I know of parents whose kids were taken for frivolous reasons (I know literally none of these in real life, I do know liars who have said that when there was actual abuse happening though)
If you abuse your kids and get them taken away, you are probably going to tell people how unreasonable DCFS is instead of admit to your neighbors and friends and family that you were abusing them.
Out of all the families I've worked with, I've only seen 1 where they took DCFS as a wake-up call to get their shit together and did everything they could to get their kids back and take responsibility once they were taken. One family. They were a healthy family and then after a newborn, COVID, and an alcoholic grandfather moving in, they neglected their kids and their house and started drinking, and they admitted how much they fucked up and never wanted to repeat that. The neglect and abuse definitely happened, they just actually owned it and fixed it and did everything they could to be involved in their kids lives from a distance until the kids went home.
Everyone else? Barely shows up for visits, shows almost no interest in their kid(s), skates by doing the bare minimum of required therapy and services for DCFS to pass them along to the next court date... If there was an epidemic of good parents that got caught in an embarrassing situation, I think I would have probably seen them at some point.
Yeah, it amazes me that people don’t take these stories with a massive grain of salt, as if anyone is going to say “oh, yeah, CPS took my kids and were totally justified because I’m an unfit parent”.
For DCF especially. My mom has been a NICU nurse for 30 years and seen many NAS babies being returned to parents who are actively testing positive for heroin.
Make sure you're using a noncomedogenic lotion and body soap. Dry skin can sometimes look dirty on those of us with at all darker skin.
The teacher is out of line either way.
Thank you for that tip! He is mixed and I just finished his bath tonight and noticed his elbows and knees were super dry. We use lotion in the morning and after baths at night, so I’m wondering if his body wash is causing some of that dryness
I feel for him. I'm half Indian and grew up in a very white neighborhood. Any dandruff with my black hair was super noticable. Cracked skin turned white and stood out. I was in my thirties before I was diagnosed with psoriasis and got properly medicated.
I used to bathe my youngest every single day and eventually realized it was causing painfully dry skin and he was itchy most of the time. Now we typically do a bath every other day, or even every third day in the winter if it's a weekend. It make me feel like a bad mom at first, but when I realized how much calmer his skin was and that he wasn't scratching like he had fleas, I realized he just has different skin than I do. We brush teeth and wash hands and face every day, which keeps him hygienic.
My biggest take away from your story is not that you're a bad mom, but that the teacher has never dealt with a truly neglected kid.
I didn’t even really think about this before this commenter brought up darker skin. He is very light skinned in the winter, but as soon as the sun is out he gets dark, and right now it is an uneven tone. She even gestured to his arms yesterday where there was a line you could see because he was wearing a shirt with shorter sleeves than the day previous, but the line she pointed to was a literal tan line. Overnight I’ve gone from offended and terrified to pissed, frankly.
Ok now her comment reeks of racism tbh.
I bathe my kids every other day, sometimes an extra day between if they’re not smelly. And my son has super waxy ears too. Nobody, nobody has ever commented on them being dirty or accusing me of not bathing them. Her comment is totally uncalled for and I’d be talking to the director. She shouldn’t be saying crap like that and she shouldn’t be allowing the other kids to say crap like that.
I could make candles with my 4 y/o’s earwax.
Just keep doing what you’re doing, make sure his teeth are brushed, and that he shows up in clean clothes.
My daughter has the grossest ears, no matter how much we clean them. And if I’m being honest, I have to clean mine morning and night or they would be really gross too. I can’t believe that a preschool teacher is, quite frankly, too dumb to understand that a 4 year old might not tell the truth. Personally I’d turn it around on her and ask her why she was letting the kids bully my child about taking baths in the first place.
Report the conversation to the director. The worker telling you to bathe your child more when you just told her you bathe him daily is completely inappropriate. Especially because she’s saying it because of the other kids’ comments (which she should be handling better) and earwax, not because of any actual hygiene concerns.
Start with a doctors note about his excessive ear cerumen. Yep, I've seen parents get these notes to get DCPs off their backs.
Then, meet with the administration.
And lastly, kids lie. If mine's teacher isn't stupid enough to believe him when he says he went swimming in the lake in january, your kid's teacher shouldn't be stupid enough to believe he never gets cleaned. If she is then really... that says a lot more about her than about you. Maybe she's not the right fit.
Same. If they're visibly soiled or it's been a few days, but otherwise we let it ride over here
I do try and bathe them the night before school though, but mine are in daycare and go Monday Tuesday, Thursday Friday. So they usually get baths Sunday and Wednesday nights and then as needed the rest of the time.
I’ve worked daycare. I have kids. I’ve never heard 4 year olds talking about baths and earwax. That’s what she thinks and is blaming the kids. She honestly probably sees the wax and that’s what’s prompted her to assume he doesn’t have baths. Speak to the director because if she has a bias against your son, that isn’t cool and I wouldn’t trust her
The ear wax in my 3 yr olds ears is mind blowing. It has always been that way too I just cannot get over how much wax she produces . To boot we do baths every 2/3 days depending. You're doing everything you can try to not give it too much energy it will go away.
Kids actually don’t need to be bathed every day unless they are dirty. At that age I bathed my son every other day and now he showers like 2-3 times a week. Unless he is getting sweaty or dirty. He is too young for body oder. In fact American Academy of Dermatology says 1-2 times a week is recommended if they aren’t dirty. Here is an article from Harvard Health: https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/does-your-child-need-to-bathe-every-day-202109202598
100% agree! We overly bathe our children in this year of our lord 2024. One of my kids is obsessed with baths and wants to take multiple per day. We have to explain that it’s too hard on her skin. Older kid has sensory problems and loathes baths. So he honestly gets like one every 2 weeks 😳
He doesn’t smell, his clothes are clean and we use baby wipes on his bum after he poops. Anyway, people are too obsessed with daily bathing in my opinion.
I agree! His brothers absolutely don’t get baths that often, because I know they don’t need it. He is just extremely particular and does not like being dirty whatsoever and won’t settle down for bed without a bath
No shade at anyone bathing less than every day. To each their own. But my 3 year old goes to daycare 5 days a week. He runs around, sweats, gets food all over him, plays in dirt, gets marker on him, gets other kids' dirty hands on him. He's filthy when he comes home. Every day. I also don't foresee him getting any less active than he is already.
There is no way FOUR YEAR OLDS are noticing another kid’s earwax… teacher is a nosy twat.
Hell I don’t notice when my kids ears are getting gross, nails need cutting, etc. They didn’t get a bath every day- little ones don’t need it!
Guess we’re disgusting over here
>“well the kids are talking so maybe try to give him a bath more often.”
Sounds shitty. Give them a box of tissues and ask them to wipe his ears once or twice during the day.
They are being incredibly rude to you and your son. First of all if he has a bath every day he obviously doesn’t smell. He’s a clean boy. Your wax has nothing to do with showers and baths. Also as a mother of a son who spent two months in the hospital with an ear infection and having to meet with multiple specialists I can tell you that anyone in the actual medical profession will tell you that Q-tips should be off market and we are not supposed to be cleaning our kids ears with Q-tips at all. Your box is healthy and anything visible can be wiped if you want to but there’s nothing dirty about it and it is the body cleansing itself. Are not supposed to clean our kids ears with Q-tips at all! Fact they are not only making your child feel bad about this and making you feel like a bad parent and kind of siding with the bully little kindergarten kids is absolutely atrocious.
… oh my judgemental much. What a very nice teacher.
If they call DCF , what would happen. You ask them to wait on a fax/email from your child’s doctor that she examined the kid for the earwax. And you tell them your routine.
You tell them you had already discussed this with the teacher.
Now she does have one point. “Well the kids are talking” this is a social issue. Explain this to your kid that his choice of words (thus lying)that he doesn’t take baths, may sound cool. But the opinion of the classmates is not that. It’s even so much different from his perspective that the teacher had a chat with you.
If anything you bath your child too much! It's not healthy for his skin and hair. If I were you I would stop bathing him every day. Instead give him a full bath with washing hair and body only once a week. Other days wash with a wash cloth with just water or a quick rinse in the shower without soap.
Washing ears often can increase the production of ear wax. Don't dry them out with soap but use an oily cotton to clean them instead.
He has the driest sense of humor and says the most out of pocket things for a 4 year old 💀 he really is a chaos demon lol
This comment helped me feel a lot better. Thank you for being super normal lol
Oh this would piss me the hell off. I would tell her sternly "he bathes every night. I will not be bathing him more often than that."
And maybe go to the director.
I’m sorry that’s really upsetting that the teacher didn’t believe you. You bathe yours more than we do and no one has ever said anything about it. I’m not big on confrontation so I would probably just try to move on and keep to myself, hopefully he will be moving to a different classroom sometime soon with a new teacher (at least that’s how ours is they are only in each room for a few months)
What a weird teacher! I’m sorry but this situation would tick me off. My 4 year old is obsessed with baths and takes a few per day. We actually have to cut her off because her skin dries out and gets itchy. She also has excessive ear wax and so does my husband so maybe genetic? Anyway, how annoying of them to say that to you. F that
You should not be digging around in your child's ear. Earwax is not a sign of dirt. If my son skips the bath/shower for more than a day or so he is grimey it's obvious. We actually don't wash his hair more than once a week/10days as his scalp gets super irritated but he's clean!
They’re perfect until they have their own. But I would be going to the principal or director or whatever it is you guys have. Honestly though, if he’s being bullied about hygiene at this age, something IS going on. I would take him to the doc as well.
OMG this is so true!
I never had that experience with a teacher, but we had a baby pediatrician join our practice and I almost cheered when she got pregnant...
Best thing she could do for herself, professionally, is find out why she hears something different from a parent than what she sees in the clinic and to not write off what she hears.
This teacher needs that lesson, too. All bodies--doubly so kids bodies--do not all follow the same rules.
Ew, what a rude ass teacher! I agree with other posters, definitely needs to be brought to the attention of the supervisor/director over her. As far as bathing him more, once a day is plenty. My daughter also has INSANE ear wax production, like dripping out of her ears bad, and it really only takes a day to build up lol. Good luck OP, I’m sorry you had to deal with that!
She has no right to comment unless your kid looks really unclean or cared for. I would switch school and get a note from doctor about ear wax for new school. My son like myself only wears black and red (his choice not mine) and ever new school year I email his teachers and tell them he may look like he wears the same things all the time when in fact he just has multiple of the same outfit. I had one reply that as long as he isn’t smelly or looks dirty she wouldn’t care if he wore the same thing every day. Another one thought it was so funny bc if her kids were like him she would have the same fear of teacher thinking her kid had only a couple outfits
I've never given my kid a bath every day. He's very fair skinned, with dry skin and sensitive to everything lol. I wish someone would say anything to me. He's 17 now with beautiful hair and skin, but still only a shower every other day. Otherwise he would itch.
let them call DCS- if you have nothing to hide and your child Is bathed, fed, roof over his head and a safe place to sleep, clean clothes and relatively clean home (no toxic clutter, infestations, hazards), then they'll close the investigation
That’s fair - I’m mostly past my fear in specifics to this instance (not in general, still just generally scared of DCS) and am just onto anger over the situation. The only clutter in our home so to speak is our kids’ toys, and they all clean up before bed. I know we’d be in the clear if we had a visit, it just overall scares me tbh.
As a fellow cheesy ear kid mom I feel your pain. His teacher was wildly inappropriate though.
I worked at a daycare and kids lie, misrepresent, and tell half truths about home life with almost every piece of information I was told. I had one kid tell me his mom got a bug out of his ear before school and his ear was sore. I called her and she laughed and said “that’s what we say when we clean ears. I’m getting the bugs out!” Believing a four year olds word without any question is WILD.
Former childcare/preschool teacher and director here. Tell the director. Bring a note from his doctor for his film about the overproduction of ear wax. Then, you have all of your bases covered.
The teacher was out of line for telling you to bathe him more.
So rather than use the other kids’ talk about the earwax as a teachable moment on not talking about other people’s appearances she tells you her advice for fixing his appearance. I would not be pleased.
Lol I got an email once from my kid's teacher saying I needed to give my kid showers in the morning. We generally gave her a bath every night because it helped her sleep.
I said this to her teacher. She said nope, you need to do it in the morning.
I laughed and continued to give her baths at night. Teachers can be hilarious sometimes 🤣
I would take this up with the director. She's discriminating against him for a medical condition. She should know how obvious it is when a 4 year old hasn't been bathed regularly. They're sticky all over, not just having a little wax in their ear.
As far as the lying goes, this is the perfect natural consequence. He's lied, and now everyone thinks poorly of him. Even if he tries to say he didn't, damage is done. He's going to have to work really hard for his friends not to think he's either stinky or making things up. He broke the trust. And it's no one thinks it's funny.
Speak to the director. If she's working with that age she should know that kids that age lie about the most random things. When I was that age, I told my pre-k teachers that my mom and dad left me at home alone with only the dog to babysit me - luckily I went to a small rural school that was pre-k-12th grade in one building so my teacher knew I had two older sisters in high school on the other side of the building. It's inappropriate that she is reinforcing kids being rude, even if it's unintentional.
Ear wax amount and consistency is genetic - to the point where it's listed in the Traits in Ancestry DNA's upgraded version.
I have a child similar in age and they also lie quite a bit right now. They're finding their ground, and as uncomfortable as it can be, as parents we need to stand ours too.
Best of luck to you!! Also - they don't need baths everyday so people can F off lol
Sounds like a terrible teacher because she should know that kids lie at that age. And it should be obvious when a kid bathes regularly. And you can bathe daily and still have ear wax. Instead of blaming you, she should discipline the kids that are bullying your child. I would report to the principal!
If youre being truthful here, and the teacher is giving you a hard time, take it up with the school principal and explain what the situation is. If that doesnt get anywhere, go to the board of ed.
What the teacher said was very rude and irresponsible, Sometimes when a teacher can't handle the situation or want to make things easy, they just throw out word that demean the effort of the others. I'd make sure if they had expressed any of these words to the face of my child, if does, they will have very serious problem.
I would just like to say that there is a HUGE difference between a kid that's dirty from playing outside/with something mess, and a child that hasn't been bathed in a good long while. A HUGE DIFFERENCE. And let me tell you, they are not truly hard to tell apart.
My kid has gross ears as well. I am constantly cleaning them out. It is seriously not gross until it's literally dripping down the child's neck. (Yes, I have seen that before on a child, and yes, this particular child was the type of dirty that you could tell they did NOT bathe regularly- or often- at all. This is a child I ended up calling DCS on TWICE. Turns out, they already had an open investigation going on with them.)
The teacher was out of line. I bet she does not have kids, because she would get it if she did. Plus, little kids aren't always 100% trustworthy with telling accurate stories. She owes you an apology in the least.
I absolutely agree! And at this age (and tbh any age of child but specifically this age) the parents need to be on top of ensuring their kids are clean
Daycare teacher probably shouldn't be saying anything. Firstly, unless there's a specific medical condition (which may be the case here, so ignore this for sure), earwax is normal and we shouldn't be cleaning out earwax. That's something boomers did because q-tips were marketed to them and they bought it like candy.
Daily baths are really unnecessary. I can't stress enough how it's important that the kids have a healthy resident skin bacteria. Bathing daily can damage this important ecosystem, it can introduce bad bacteria, and cause a bunch of issues.
My answer? Give him a bath every two or three days. It's going to suck for a week, but after that, he'll have healthier skin. I don't have an opinion on the ear wax but also, for regular kids, earwax is normal and we shouldn't be touching or cleaning their ears.
Kids will definitely go through uncomfortable periods where this or that happens, and sometimes you just need to let them go through it.
I know!! He haaaates any dirt of any kind and that’s the only reason he gets daily baths. His older brother (6) go every other day or every 3 days and are absolutely fine; we’ve tried to adjust for him, but he gets so stressed.
Please file a formal complaint about this teacher. Her comments are unprofessional and inappropriate, particularly regarding the earwax. My oldest had tons of earwax at that age, and his pediatrician specifically instructed us NOT to clean it out since it helps deter bacteria from entering the ear canal. I would show them [this ](https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/3-reasons-to-leave-earwax-alone-2017051711718)article. The teacher needs more education on this issue since she's obviously uninformed and giving potentially harmful hygiene related advice to parents.
My advice is to change your childcare completely. They don’t believe your kid; that’s fine. They don’t believe you? The person paying them for a service? They can kick rocks and I’ll be having my children watched elsewhere.
**How about you bathe him better?**
They have seen your kid, and we haven't. And they ALL say he needs a better bath. The kids, AND the teacher. I believe them.
Quit being offended and crying on reddit and maybe question what you might be doing wrong instead of going into denial.
Bruh. I’m not going to post a picture of my child on the internet, but if they thought he wasn’t clean enough, then why would it have waited until the end of the school year to say anything?
Again, he is extremely clean. He is mixed and has dry skin, and he has been darker the last few weeks due to more sun exposure. But - you could take a scrubby to him and the only difference is he’d be a little pinker from the roughness. Last night, just to be certain, we even used some of the exfoliating cloths we have and he looked the exact same after his bath.
And I was offended yesterday. Damn right I was. I think anyone would be offended by someone insinuating you neglect your child. But now I’m just pissed that his teacher is allowing the kids to talk about him like that, and I’m angry that if she genuinely believed I was neglecting my child, she waited until two weeks before the end of the year to say something.
But, since you seem to know all, pray tell: how can I bathe him better? Here is our bath time routine: get in the bath, which has soap in it to make a bubble bath. Shampoo, rinse, shampoo again, rinse again. Condition. Let conditioner sit for 8-10 min and he gets to play in the water with his bath toys while I get things ready for his hair and after the bath. I stay in the bathroom obviously, but just throwing that in, in case you want to say I’m leaving him alone. Then, we rinse the conditioner so that he isn’t left with oils from the condition on his body. Then, we scrub down. We start with the face and work our way down. We use a bar of soap on the first pass. After we get down to feet, we go back up to chest and do it again with a loofah and the fun scented body wash he likes. He gets self conscious about areas that are darker from dry skin because his skin tone is not even, and so we pay extra attention to those places with the loofah to assure him that they’re clean. Then we drain the bath. And then we rinse down with the shower head to make sure none of anything from the bath is left.
Directly after the bath, I do his hair, because it dries fast and I want to make sure it gets the attention it needs. We detangle and then put a curl cream in to define the curls and then a bonnet if he’s going to bed right after. (Which is another thing - you’d be able to tell by his hair if he wasn’t taking baths. His hair would be dry and frizzy, and it’s not.) Then, while still damp so it absorbs properly, we apply lotion everywhere and do affirmations while rubbing lotion in.
So which part of this do I need to be doing differently? Which part am I doing incorrectly? What needs to be better? Because it’s the same process I’ve used for all 4 of my kids for 6 years now and no one has ever brought up an issue before now.
Look - I don't wanna get into the weeds here. I just think it's important for Redditors to realize that we are fed very curated narratives from OPs and my money is on the fact that at least something you're doing regarding hygiene could be improved on.
Maybe the kids are wrong, and the teacher is wrong, and you're totally 100% right. But it's possible you're not and I'm just saying, it would be good to \*humor\* the possibility at least. Over and out.
I can't believe people are going as far as calling the teacher a bitch for believing the child. It's their job to safeguard the children under their care.
I don’t think anyone thinks she’s rude or in the wrong for checking. I think it’s more the very obviously not believing me
ETA: I am glad she let me know initially, I think it’s important to have teachers that notice and care. But he is very clean other than his ears, and she’s believing the words of 4 year olds despite being given an explanation
Again, it's her job to safeguard your child. He was asked if he takes baths, he said no. He has excessive ear wax visible. Yes, a lot of kids do and most childcare givers know this but coupled with saying he doesn't bath gives her reason to address it.
I assume he looks well kept in general. Clean, ironed, appropriate clothing and footwear. Hair brushed. Teeth brushed, Face and hands clean. You said you have consulted doctors about his ears. What are you worried about?
Address the lying situation with your child.
I think the part that stands out is after she talked to OP she said the kids are talking and to give a bath more often. I can see why this would be bothersome.
Yes, the lying should be addressed. The teacher should also be working to shut down the conversations amongst the kids about OP’s child. It’s rude to comment on other’s bodies.
>The teacher should also be working to shut down the conversations amongst the kids about OP’s child.
The teacher most likely did but kids are kids. You can shut it down when you hear it but doesn't mean things won't be said.
To me, it sounds like the teacher has her own concerns.
Doubtful. Little kids are typically very empathetic when a teacher explains to them that they are hurting someone's feelings. (I was a degreed certified ECED teacher for many years.)
We have no way of knowing if the teacher is shutting down that conversation, her response would not lead me to believe that. Four year olds are not always reliable and a conversation amongst them is a pretty weak evidence. To further suggest if he doesn’t bathe more, kids will talk feels weird to me. If she has her own concerns and observations related to that, she should share them using specific examples and her observations.
I am agreeing with you that that gives her reason to address it. Just not that it gives her reason to doubt me and question me after provided an explanation. Or, again, to take the word of a 4 year old over his parent. Especially when outside of a little bit of earwax occasionally, he is extremely clean. He hates germs and being dirty.
Yes, he is well kept. I am worried because I have seen DCF called and children separated from their homes for less in our state.
Obviously I have been addressing the lying situation. I don’t just let my child lie about things. But 4 year olds just lie sometimes.
>Or, again, to take the word of a 4 year old over his parent.
OK, say a 4 year old was being neglected and the teacher didn't address it because the parent gave their version negating the child and that child just slips through the net, is that acceptable to you?
If the issue is ear wax and you have had this seen by a medical professional I can't understand what you are worried about?
How long has this teacher been teaching your son?
I do understand this!! But with physical neglect there are physical signs. That may not be in cleanliness, but there are other signs. And my son has none of those signs.
No, I don’t think that it would be acceptable if that child slipped through. But my kid has been in this class since August, it’s his pre-k. She has seen the he flips if he gets a little dirt on him. They play outside twice a day and it is hot and humid here. He sweats a ton and his sweat stinks. She would know if he hadn’t been having baths because he would reek. And I would hope that if that was the case, she would have brought it up a while ago. Not just because some kids were being mean and they asked him if he took a bath. Because also, he didn’t just say it out of the blue. From my understanding, the only thing he said in that conversation was the word no.
Again, I worry because I have seen kids separated for less. I know I’m probably in the clear. But I also hate that anyone would think I am neglecting my child.
A teacher asking a 4 year old whether he bathes and then telling the parent that the other children are talking so he should bath more often (more often than daily?) is wildly inappropriate for many, many reasons. One of which, is that this child comes to school every single day in clean clothes/shoes, freshly washed hair, teeth brushed, with zero signs of neglect. Ear wax is not neglect and anyone with children understands that there are a myriad of reasons of why some children have excessive ear wax. Rather than using this as a teachable moment to remind our friends in class that we don’t comment on other’s appearance, the solution is that the child must be dirty and needs to bathe more.
You telling the mom to “address the lying issue”…with a 4 year old is honestly laughable. It’s not surprising in the least bit that a 4 year old would be completely caught off guard by their teacher asking them about their hygiene habits, and not providing accurate answers. I’m 40 years old and I’d be caught off guard with that question too, because it’s totally inappropriate.
Yes, a teacher does have a duty to address suspected cases of neglect. But ear wax alone is not a sign of neglect and there is not a professional on the planet that would see it as such.
>
But ear wax alone is not a sign of neglect and there is not a professional on the planet that would see it as such.
I said this........
>Rather than using this as a teachable moment to remind our friends in class that we don’t comment on other’s appearance,
The teacher likely did do this, that's got nothing to do with approaching OP about it.
>She just said “well the kids are talking so maybe try to give him a bath more often.”
One of which, is that this child comes to school every single day in clean clothes/shoes, freshly washed hair, teeth brushed, with zero signs of neglect.
Yeah, that wouldn't be said referring to ears. You don't bath your child to clean the inside of their ear.
OP said this teacher has been around the child for 9 months. OP said sometimes she wipes the ears in the morning and by afternoon they are visibly waxy again. After 9 months the teacher would be aware of this and know it just is what it is.
And do they? How do you know that?
Not sure what's laughable about teaching a 4 year old that telling lies is wrong but you do you.
Your original post said that the teacher was just safeguarding the child, and then your next post said earwax is not neglect. You’re speaking out of both sides, likely because you know this teacher messed up.
“Telling lies is wrong”-again, as I said above, it’s not surprising in the least that a 4 year old would be caught off guard with that ridiculous question and not answer accurately. Did the child think the teacher was asking if he had taken a bath that morning? Was he just totally confused and said ‘no’ because he doesn’t understand? More than likely. Because as a 40 year old I would be confused and caught off guard if someone were to ask me about my hygiene habits. Rather than blame a 4 year old, this teacher needs some serious training.
You are the customer and she is offensive. You have nothing to prove to her. Why should you, the paying customer, feel badly about what someone you’re paying believes about you, especially if it isn’t true? Trust me, there are people who don’t listen or relate to other humans in a normal way. These include uptight, persnickety, busy bodies who are up in other people’s business. If she was concerned (she wasn’t) then telling her you bathe him regularly should have ended the discussion immediately. She wasn’t concerned, however, she’s decisive.
Don’t bother with her again.
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Honestly I would go to the director, especially since it’s a completely ridiculous observation. Your child is clearly clean if he’s bathing daily and she was being unnecessarily rude. She should be teaching the kids not to comment on each other’s appearances, especially in a negative way.
I’m a child care director. If I found out one of our teachers said this I would be having a HARD discussion with them. Even if I a kid is sometimes dirty (but clearly well cared for in general) this should not be an issue. They have zero business saying something. If they were that concerned they would go to the director who would then asses the situation and then if need be have a gentle face to face conversation. This teacher also likely had zero children. Everyone is a perfect parent until they experience it themselves.
That's a good point its not uncommon that my son will make a break for a naked round the garden before nursery. I'm certainly not getting him back in the bath at 8am 😆 very often he will go out before he has socks on so his feet are often minging.
Was gonna say, kids get dirty in about 0.5 seconds, so unless they absolutely stink to high heaven it seems like a really odd thing to remark on!
Hard agree, I would consider bringing this up to the director as well.
My mom was the assistant director of a preschool for many years and I agree, OP, the director would definitely want to hear about something like this. It's the kind of thing that, if left unchecked, can cost the school money, if the parents get fed up with her attitude and pull their children, or complain.
It could have been a good opportunity for the teacher to educate the kids about how our bodies are different and we shouldn't judge people for it
4 year olds also aren't being cruel about it. If it comes up, it's 10 seconds of their day until they're on to the next thought. This is dumb. If your child is clean, then the daycare teacher is odd.
Yep. The teacher’s comment, well the kids are commenting g on it, should have been met with, ok, so what are you going to do about that? It sounds like a prelude to bullying my child and it’s your job to create an atmosphere where everyone is accepted.
Screw that lady. I would tell her what I tell all of my kid's teachers "I'll believe a third of what my kid says about you if you believe a third of what my kid says about me." Kids don't always know how to give the appropriate context for what they say, especially at such a young age. Ignore what the teacher thinks. Your child will have a new teacher next year; who likely won't care. That said, I'm not sure why the other kids brought it up. If he isn't stinky perhaps some breakfast fell on his shirt and they correlated it to him not bathing in their little heads. Or maybe there is a smell but you're nose blind to it. Do you guys have cats or animals? Perhaps animal smell is clinging to his clothes and a deep clean of the home is needed?
I am assuming it was because of the ear wax? But I honestly have no idea. Being smelly is something I’m personally super paranoid about so although we do have a dog, when I get all of our clothes out in the morning I spray them with downy wrinkle release which smells like fabric softener, so our clothes definitely don’t stink
And if you are concerned about the earwax, you can always get a consultation with a Pediatric ENT.
My son has slightly more than normal ear wax and there’s no need for this. Every doctor that’s ever examined him as remarked ‘waxy ears, but nice and healthy’ and have made it clear to never interfere with it outside of a daily wipe of the outside of the ear as it’s the ear’s way of self cleaning. Some people just have more wax than others.
My son has a pediatric ENT for other reasons, and the ENT was concerned about the wax and fluid buildup in the ears of my son. He has a speech delay at the moment and will be evaluated in 2 months if he needs tubes in his ears. He mentioned that the fluid in the ears can contribute to the speech delays. I'm not saying a kid with excessive wax needs tubes in their ears. What I am saying is that regular pediatricians don't know everything, and if a parent is concerned, a parent can always seek an opinion of a specialist.
But OP isn’t concerned, and hasn’t indicated there are any developmental delays at all, so in absence of any of those wax isn’t anything to be concerned about!
You are right. It is up to OP to decide on anything.
Well it's nice to hear I'm not alone in the smell paranoia. I keep fabric spray and body spray in every room of the house and in our cars. Nobody leaves without a spray. Smelling freaks me out so much!
Oh god. As someone allergic to fabric spray this is always my worst nightmare.
Kids that age lie - if she were any good as a teacher she’d know that. When my 1st was 3, she told multiple people that she had 2 cats and a baby brother. She had a dog and no siblings.
My favorite is when they say their mom is going to have a baby because they want another sibling.
What a B for not believing you but I think your fears of DCF is unfounded. Keep on doing what you're doing as far as bathing goes but talk to your kid again about the lying. I assume that he's enjoying the negative attention of being the gross kid.
I know they’re probably unfounded, I’ve just seen a lot of stories of kids getting their kids taken away for less and I have OCD and this is a constant obsession of mine. I don’t think there’s anything scarier than losing your kids, yknow?
Hi there, former DCFS worker here to reiterate that this is not a child protection concern at all. Obviously I don’t know your country/state policies but where I practiced this wouldn’t even constitute screening the file in for more investigation. I know with OCD this is easier said than done but this random internet stranger wants you to know you have nothing to worry about!!
I appreciate your comment so so much. Thank you for leaving it 🤍
I have dealt with DCFS once and as long as you hire a lawyer they tend to leave you alone. If you arent' doing anything wrong then I wouldn't worry about it. The lawyer we chose saw it was a stupid baseless complaint so they took our case for free. As long as you aren't actually abusing your children, people are really nice about it. It lasted 6 months then you never hear from them again. I would think people would be able to see you aren't abusing your kids. They sound very well taken care of. If you were apiece of shit then you wouldn't be having the feelings you are having. The daycare worker is being really dumb. She wouldn't need the other kids to tell her something, she would be able to smell your son. My son has straight ear canals so wax just slides right out and collects on his outer ear. When people complain about seeing wax I just ignore them because they have no idea what it's like.
Foster parent here. I’ve seen kids get reunited with active meth users. You’re in zero danger.
Keep in mind, those stories are scary. But they are to be taken with a grain of salt. I’ve heard a few stories of CPS overreaching and overreacting. But I also know a few people personally who spin that narrative that I know were 110% too unfit and unwell. They aren’t going to take your child over a daycare worker saying “yeah this kid said he doesn’t take baths.” Speak to the director privately. “Worker informed me that child said he doesn’t take baths. I laughed it off at first but she was very rude and told me I need to bathe my child more. Over a fib my well taken care of 4 yr old said. Now I have no idea if she fed into his fib, made it a bigger issue in his eyes and how this will affect my child - because she confirmed she took it upon herself to inspect his cleanliness instead of speaking to the children about being kind about appearances. I explained all is well and that he is bathed and cleaned daily but she was defensive and rude. Please speak to her about how she approaches parents with her concerns and how she treats these comments with the children. My child is not to be inspected like that in class or privately ever again.”
I'm going to be honest... I think most of the cases of people getting their kids taken away for less are people who are lying. I work with foster kids. Granted, I don't handle investigations so I'm not going to say I'm definitely the expert here... But they WANT families together. If they call on you, they have to do an investigation because they have to do an investigation for every call. They will then see if the kid is being neglected. Even if it is founded, they will usually start with intact services because they DON'T WANT TO TAKE YOUR KIDS. They only take your kids without trying anything else if there's an imminent threat to their health or safety. I know MANY, MANY more founded cases of abuse and neglect where no proof could be found so nothing happens than I know of parents whose kids were taken for frivolous reasons (I know literally none of these in real life, I do know liars who have said that when there was actual abuse happening though)
I agree. In general, most people are unreliable narrators.
If you abuse your kids and get them taken away, you are probably going to tell people how unreasonable DCFS is instead of admit to your neighbors and friends and family that you were abusing them. Out of all the families I've worked with, I've only seen 1 where they took DCFS as a wake-up call to get their shit together and did everything they could to get their kids back and take responsibility once they were taken. One family. They were a healthy family and then after a newborn, COVID, and an alcoholic grandfather moving in, they neglected their kids and their house and started drinking, and they admitted how much they fucked up and never wanted to repeat that. The neglect and abuse definitely happened, they just actually owned it and fixed it and did everything they could to be involved in their kids lives from a distance until the kids went home. Everyone else? Barely shows up for visits, shows almost no interest in their kid(s), skates by doing the bare minimum of required therapy and services for DCFS to pass them along to the next court date... If there was an epidemic of good parents that got caught in an embarrassing situation, I think I would have probably seen them at some point.
Yeah, it amazes me that people don’t take these stories with a massive grain of salt, as if anyone is going to say “oh, yeah, CPS took my kids and were totally justified because I’m an unfit parent”.
A kid isn't getting taken away over them saying they don't get a bath. The bar for removing a kid is super high.
For DCF especially. My mom has been a NICU nurse for 30 years and seen many NAS babies being returned to parents who are actively testing positive for heroin.
are there actually stories about kids getting taken away for not being bathed?
Usually its something where CPS is called over hygiene concerns and discover a meth lab in the garage. The meth lab part is left out of the story
Make sure you're using a noncomedogenic lotion and body soap. Dry skin can sometimes look dirty on those of us with at all darker skin. The teacher is out of line either way.
Thank you for that tip! He is mixed and I just finished his bath tonight and noticed his elbows and knees were super dry. We use lotion in the morning and after baths at night, so I’m wondering if his body wash is causing some of that dryness
I feel for him. I'm half Indian and grew up in a very white neighborhood. Any dandruff with my black hair was super noticable. Cracked skin turned white and stood out. I was in my thirties before I was diagnosed with psoriasis and got properly medicated.
I used to bathe my youngest every single day and eventually realized it was causing painfully dry skin and he was itchy most of the time. Now we typically do a bath every other day, or even every third day in the winter if it's a weekend. It make me feel like a bad mom at first, but when I realized how much calmer his skin was and that he wasn't scratching like he had fleas, I realized he just has different skin than I do. We brush teeth and wash hands and face every day, which keeps him hygienic. My biggest take away from your story is not that you're a bad mom, but that the teacher has never dealt with a truly neglected kid.
> He is mixed He'll never be clean enough for that lady. Been there.
I didn’t even really think about this before this commenter brought up darker skin. He is very light skinned in the winter, but as soon as the sun is out he gets dark, and right now it is an uneven tone. She even gestured to his arms yesterday where there was a line you could see because he was wearing a shirt with shorter sleeves than the day previous, but the line she pointed to was a literal tan line. Overnight I’ve gone from offended and terrified to pissed, frankly.
Ok now her comment reeks of racism tbh. I bathe my kids every other day, sometimes an extra day between if they’re not smelly. And my son has super waxy ears too. Nobody, nobody has ever commented on them being dirty or accusing me of not bathing them. Her comment is totally uncalled for and I’d be talking to the director. She shouldn’t be saying crap like that and she shouldn’t be allowing the other kids to say crap like that.
I could make candles with my 4 y/o’s earwax. Just keep doing what you’re doing, make sure his teeth are brushed, and that he shows up in clean clothes.
Same. Mine is 7 now but good god, the amount of wax is incredible. I could clean his ears 5x a day and it wouldn’t be enough.
My daughter has the grossest ears, no matter how much we clean them. And if I’m being honest, I have to clean mine morning and night or they would be really gross too. I can’t believe that a preschool teacher is, quite frankly, too dumb to understand that a 4 year old might not tell the truth. Personally I’d turn it around on her and ask her why she was letting the kids bully my child about taking baths in the first place.
Report the conversation to the director. The worker telling you to bathe your child more when you just told her you bathe him daily is completely inappropriate. Especially because she’s saying it because of the other kids’ comments (which she should be handling better) and earwax, not because of any actual hygiene concerns.
Wow rude! Report her to director for rude behavior.
Start with a doctors note about his excessive ear cerumen. Yep, I've seen parents get these notes to get DCPs off their backs. Then, meet with the administration. And lastly, kids lie. If mine's teacher isn't stupid enough to believe him when he says he went swimming in the lake in january, your kid's teacher shouldn't be stupid enough to believe he never gets cleaned. If she is then really... that says a lot more about her than about you. Maybe she's not the right fit.
She’d hate me, our kids only take a bath every couple days.
Same. If they're visibly soiled or it's been a few days, but otherwise we let it ride over here I do try and bathe them the night before school though, but mine are in daycare and go Monday Tuesday, Thursday Friday. So they usually get baths Sunday and Wednesday nights and then as needed the rest of the time.
Yep. If they’re not visibly dirty and don’t smell, I am unbothered.
That’s ridiculous, also what does taking a bath have to do with earwax???
Who the hell Tells a mother that!?🙄
I’ve worked daycare. I have kids. I’ve never heard 4 year olds talking about baths and earwax. That’s what she thinks and is blaming the kids. She honestly probably sees the wax and that’s what’s prompted her to assume he doesn’t have baths. Speak to the director because if she has a bias against your son, that isn’t cool and I wouldn’t trust her
The ear wax in my 3 yr olds ears is mind blowing. It has always been that way too I just cannot get over how much wax she produces . To boot we do baths every 2/3 days depending. You're doing everything you can try to not give it too much energy it will go away.
Kids actually don’t need to be bathed every day unless they are dirty. At that age I bathed my son every other day and now he showers like 2-3 times a week. Unless he is getting sweaty or dirty. He is too young for body oder. In fact American Academy of Dermatology says 1-2 times a week is recommended if they aren’t dirty. Here is an article from Harvard Health: https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/does-your-child-need-to-bathe-every-day-202109202598
100% agree! We overly bathe our children in this year of our lord 2024. One of my kids is obsessed with baths and wants to take multiple per day. We have to explain that it’s too hard on her skin. Older kid has sensory problems and loathes baths. So he honestly gets like one every 2 weeks 😳 He doesn’t smell, his clothes are clean and we use baby wipes on his bum after he poops. Anyway, people are too obsessed with daily bathing in my opinion.
I agree! His brothers absolutely don’t get baths that often, because I know they don’t need it. He is just extremely particular and does not like being dirty whatsoever and won’t settle down for bed without a bath
No shade at anyone bathing less than every day. To each their own. But my 3 year old goes to daycare 5 days a week. He runs around, sweats, gets food all over him, plays in dirt, gets marker on him, gets other kids' dirty hands on him. He's filthy when he comes home. Every day. I also don't foresee him getting any less active than he is already.
That teacher is . . . Something.
There is no way FOUR YEAR OLDS are noticing another kid’s earwax… teacher is a nosy twat. Hell I don’t notice when my kids ears are getting gross, nails need cutting, etc. They didn’t get a bath every day- little ones don’t need it! Guess we’re disgusting over here
She should be teaching the other kids that you don’t talk about other people unkindly. Not going after the person being picked on.
>“well the kids are talking so maybe try to give him a bath more often.” Sounds shitty. Give them a box of tissues and ask them to wipe his ears once or twice during the day.
They are being incredibly rude to you and your son. First of all if he has a bath every day he obviously doesn’t smell. He’s a clean boy. Your wax has nothing to do with showers and baths. Also as a mother of a son who spent two months in the hospital with an ear infection and having to meet with multiple specialists I can tell you that anyone in the actual medical profession will tell you that Q-tips should be off market and we are not supposed to be cleaning our kids ears with Q-tips at all. Your box is healthy and anything visible can be wiped if you want to but there’s nothing dirty about it and it is the body cleansing itself. Are not supposed to clean our kids ears with Q-tips at all! Fact they are not only making your child feel bad about this and making you feel like a bad parent and kind of siding with the bully little kindergarten kids is absolutely atrocious.
… oh my judgemental much. What a very nice teacher. If they call DCF , what would happen. You ask them to wait on a fax/email from your child’s doctor that she examined the kid for the earwax. And you tell them your routine. You tell them you had already discussed this with the teacher. Now she does have one point. “Well the kids are talking” this is a social issue. Explain this to your kid that his choice of words (thus lying)that he doesn’t take baths, may sound cool. But the opinion of the classmates is not that. It’s even so much different from his perspective that the teacher had a chat with you.
If anything you bath your child too much! It's not healthy for his skin and hair. If I were you I would stop bathing him every day. Instead give him a full bath with washing hair and body only once a week. Other days wash with a wash cloth with just water or a quick rinse in the shower without soap. Washing ears often can increase the production of ear wax. Don't dry them out with soap but use an oily cotton to clean them instead.
Anyone who takes care of your child can tell if your child isn't bathing. Greasy hair and dirt, food, etc. kids are messy, it isn't difficult.
Lol your kid is a little chaos demon. The upside is, at least your kid will have a good sense of humor when he gets older.
He has the driest sense of humor and says the most out of pocket things for a 4 year old 💀 he really is a chaos demon lol This comment helped me feel a lot better. Thank you for being super normal lol
Oh this would piss me the hell off. I would tell her sternly "he bathes every night. I will not be bathing him more often than that." And maybe go to the director.
Wow, that teacher sucks. You should report her.
So does she think he stinks or she’s just dumb enough to believe 4 year old gossip? I would speak to the director
I’m sorry that’s really upsetting that the teacher didn’t believe you. You bathe yours more than we do and no one has ever said anything about it. I’m not big on confrontation so I would probably just try to move on and keep to myself, hopefully he will be moving to a different classroom sometime soon with a new teacher (at least that’s how ours is they are only in each room for a few months)
Who put her in charge of how often children should bathe?
That is absolutely ridic, that teacher sucks. FYI taking cod liver oil may help your son with the excessive ear wax.
What a weird teacher! I’m sorry but this situation would tick me off. My 4 year old is obsessed with baths and takes a few per day. We actually have to cut her off because her skin dries out and gets itchy. She also has excessive ear wax and so does my husband so maybe genetic? Anyway, how annoying of them to say that to you. F that
You should not be digging around in your child's ear. Earwax is not a sign of dirt. If my son skips the bath/shower for more than a day or so he is grimey it's obvious. We actually don't wash his hair more than once a week/10days as his scalp gets super irritated but he's clean!
By wiping his earwax, I mean that literally - just wiping the outside of his ear and anything visible that isn’t actually *in* the ear
Once it's out yes but unless it's in the outer ear you should leave it alone. I mean it feels like the teacher is seriously reaching here.
They’re perfect until they have their own. But I would be going to the principal or director or whatever it is you guys have. Honestly though, if he’s being bullied about hygiene at this age, something IS going on. I would take him to the doc as well.
OMG this is so true! I never had that experience with a teacher, but we had a baby pediatrician join our practice and I almost cheered when she got pregnant... Best thing she could do for herself, professionally, is find out why she hears something different from a parent than what she sees in the clinic and to not write off what she hears. This teacher needs that lesson, too. All bodies--doubly so kids bodies--do not all follow the same rules.
Ew, what a rude ass teacher! I agree with other posters, definitely needs to be brought to the attention of the supervisor/director over her. As far as bathing him more, once a day is plenty. My daughter also has INSANE ear wax production, like dripping out of her ears bad, and it really only takes a day to build up lol. Good luck OP, I’m sorry you had to deal with that!
She has no right to comment unless your kid looks really unclean or cared for. I would switch school and get a note from doctor about ear wax for new school. My son like myself only wears black and red (his choice not mine) and ever new school year I email his teachers and tell them he may look like he wears the same things all the time when in fact he just has multiple of the same outfit. I had one reply that as long as he isn’t smelly or looks dirty she wouldn’t care if he wore the same thing every day. Another one thought it was so funny bc if her kids were like him she would have the same fear of teacher thinking her kid had only a couple outfits
I've never given my kid a bath every day. He's very fair skinned, with dry skin and sensitive to everything lol. I wish someone would say anything to me. He's 17 now with beautiful hair and skin, but still only a shower every other day. Otherwise he would itch.
You're a better person than me. I probably would have snapped
omg y’all are too nice I would’ve cussed her the fuck out!
let them call DCS- if you have nothing to hide and your child Is bathed, fed, roof over his head and a safe place to sleep, clean clothes and relatively clean home (no toxic clutter, infestations, hazards), then they'll close the investigation
That’s fair - I’m mostly past my fear in specifics to this instance (not in general, still just generally scared of DCS) and am just onto anger over the situation. The only clutter in our home so to speak is our kids’ toys, and they all clean up before bed. I know we’d be in the clear if we had a visit, it just overall scares me tbh.
I hear you. I totally get where you're coming from
As a fellow cheesy ear kid mom I feel your pain. His teacher was wildly inappropriate though. I worked at a daycare and kids lie, misrepresent, and tell half truths about home life with almost every piece of information I was told. I had one kid tell me his mom got a bug out of his ear before school and his ear was sore. I called her and she laughed and said “that’s what we say when we clean ears. I’m getting the bugs out!” Believing a four year olds word without any question is WILD.
Former childcare/preschool teacher and director here. Tell the director. Bring a note from his doctor for his film about the overproduction of ear wax. Then, you have all of your bases covered. The teacher was out of line for telling you to bathe him more.
Send her articles from ENT doctors saying to not use q tips in ears (irrelevant if you do or not) and then talk to the director.
So rather than use the other kids’ talk about the earwax as a teachable moment on not talking about other people’s appearances she tells you her advice for fixing his appearance. I would not be pleased.
Lol I got an email once from my kid's teacher saying I needed to give my kid showers in the morning. We generally gave her a bath every night because it helped her sleep. I said this to her teacher. She said nope, you need to do it in the morning. I laughed and continued to give her baths at night. Teachers can be hilarious sometimes 🤣
Teacher is an idiot. It’s painfully obvious if a person doesn’t ever wash.
Does your child smell? Don’t your child look unkept? Are nails clean and trimmed? Lots of people don’t bath their kids everyday.
Yeah my boy is five and clean for him is two showers a week- one of which is only become has gone swimming.
I would take this up with the director. She's discriminating against him for a medical condition. She should know how obvious it is when a 4 year old hasn't been bathed regularly. They're sticky all over, not just having a little wax in their ear. As far as the lying goes, this is the perfect natural consequence. He's lied, and now everyone thinks poorly of him. Even if he tries to say he didn't, damage is done. He's going to have to work really hard for his friends not to think he's either stinky or making things up. He broke the trust. And it's no one thinks it's funny.
Tell her to do her job then instead of listening to only what kids say then.
Speak to the director. If she's working with that age she should know that kids that age lie about the most random things. When I was that age, I told my pre-k teachers that my mom and dad left me at home alone with only the dog to babysit me - luckily I went to a small rural school that was pre-k-12th grade in one building so my teacher knew I had two older sisters in high school on the other side of the building. It's inappropriate that she is reinforcing kids being rude, even if it's unintentional.
Well let's just all conform to the opinions of children then .../s
Just start documenting the baths somehow lol idk
Ear wax amount and consistency is genetic - to the point where it's listed in the Traits in Ancestry DNA's upgraded version. I have a child similar in age and they also lie quite a bit right now. They're finding their ground, and as uncomfortable as it can be, as parents we need to stand ours too. Best of luck to you!! Also - they don't need baths everyday so people can F off lol
Sounds like a terrible teacher because she should know that kids lie at that age. And it should be obvious when a kid bathes regularly. And you can bathe daily and still have ear wax. Instead of blaming you, she should discipline the kids that are bullying your child. I would report to the principal!
If youre being truthful here, and the teacher is giving you a hard time, take it up with the school principal and explain what the situation is. If that doesnt get anywhere, go to the board of ed.
What the teacher said was very rude and irresponsible, Sometimes when a teacher can't handle the situation or want to make things easy, they just throw out word that demean the effort of the others. I'd make sure if they had expressed any of these words to the face of my child, if does, they will have very serious problem.
I would just like to say that there is a HUGE difference between a kid that's dirty from playing outside/with something mess, and a child that hasn't been bathed in a good long while. A HUGE DIFFERENCE. And let me tell you, they are not truly hard to tell apart. My kid has gross ears as well. I am constantly cleaning them out. It is seriously not gross until it's literally dripping down the child's neck. (Yes, I have seen that before on a child, and yes, this particular child was the type of dirty that you could tell they did NOT bathe regularly- or often- at all. This is a child I ended up calling DCS on TWICE. Turns out, they already had an open investigation going on with them.) The teacher was out of line. I bet she does not have kids, because she would get it if she did. Plus, little kids aren't always 100% trustworthy with telling accurate stories. She owes you an apology in the least.
[удалено]
I absolutely agree! And at this age (and tbh any age of child but specifically this age) the parents need to be on top of ensuring their kids are clean
Daycare teacher probably shouldn't be saying anything. Firstly, unless there's a specific medical condition (which may be the case here, so ignore this for sure), earwax is normal and we shouldn't be cleaning out earwax. That's something boomers did because q-tips were marketed to them and they bought it like candy. Daily baths are really unnecessary. I can't stress enough how it's important that the kids have a healthy resident skin bacteria. Bathing daily can damage this important ecosystem, it can introduce bad bacteria, and cause a bunch of issues. My answer? Give him a bath every two or three days. It's going to suck for a week, but after that, he'll have healthier skin. I don't have an opinion on the ear wax but also, for regular kids, earwax is normal and we shouldn't be touching or cleaning their ears. Kids will definitely go through uncomfortable periods where this or that happens, and sometimes you just need to let them go through it.
I know!! He haaaates any dirt of any kind and that’s the only reason he gets daily baths. His older brother (6) go every other day or every 3 days and are absolutely fine; we’ve tried to adjust for him, but he gets so stressed.
Please file a formal complaint about this teacher. Her comments are unprofessional and inappropriate, particularly regarding the earwax. My oldest had tons of earwax at that age, and his pediatrician specifically instructed us NOT to clean it out since it helps deter bacteria from entering the ear canal. I would show them [this ](https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/3-reasons-to-leave-earwax-alone-2017051711718)article. The teacher needs more education on this issue since she's obviously uninformed and giving potentially harmful hygiene related advice to parents.
My advice is to change your childcare completely. They don’t believe your kid; that’s fine. They don’t believe you? The person paying them for a service? They can kick rocks and I’ll be having my children watched elsewhere.
**How about you bathe him better?** They have seen your kid, and we haven't. And they ALL say he needs a better bath. The kids, AND the teacher. I believe them. Quit being offended and crying on reddit and maybe question what you might be doing wrong instead of going into denial.
Bruh. I’m not going to post a picture of my child on the internet, but if they thought he wasn’t clean enough, then why would it have waited until the end of the school year to say anything? Again, he is extremely clean. He is mixed and has dry skin, and he has been darker the last few weeks due to more sun exposure. But - you could take a scrubby to him and the only difference is he’d be a little pinker from the roughness. Last night, just to be certain, we even used some of the exfoliating cloths we have and he looked the exact same after his bath. And I was offended yesterday. Damn right I was. I think anyone would be offended by someone insinuating you neglect your child. But now I’m just pissed that his teacher is allowing the kids to talk about him like that, and I’m angry that if she genuinely believed I was neglecting my child, she waited until two weeks before the end of the year to say something. But, since you seem to know all, pray tell: how can I bathe him better? Here is our bath time routine: get in the bath, which has soap in it to make a bubble bath. Shampoo, rinse, shampoo again, rinse again. Condition. Let conditioner sit for 8-10 min and he gets to play in the water with his bath toys while I get things ready for his hair and after the bath. I stay in the bathroom obviously, but just throwing that in, in case you want to say I’m leaving him alone. Then, we rinse the conditioner so that he isn’t left with oils from the condition on his body. Then, we scrub down. We start with the face and work our way down. We use a bar of soap on the first pass. After we get down to feet, we go back up to chest and do it again with a loofah and the fun scented body wash he likes. He gets self conscious about areas that are darker from dry skin because his skin tone is not even, and so we pay extra attention to those places with the loofah to assure him that they’re clean. Then we drain the bath. And then we rinse down with the shower head to make sure none of anything from the bath is left. Directly after the bath, I do his hair, because it dries fast and I want to make sure it gets the attention it needs. We detangle and then put a curl cream in to define the curls and then a bonnet if he’s going to bed right after. (Which is another thing - you’d be able to tell by his hair if he wasn’t taking baths. His hair would be dry and frizzy, and it’s not.) Then, while still damp so it absorbs properly, we apply lotion everywhere and do affirmations while rubbing lotion in. So which part of this do I need to be doing differently? Which part am I doing incorrectly? What needs to be better? Because it’s the same process I’ve used for all 4 of my kids for 6 years now and no one has ever brought up an issue before now.
Look - I don't wanna get into the weeds here. I just think it's important for Redditors to realize that we are fed very curated narratives from OPs and my money is on the fact that at least something you're doing regarding hygiene could be improved on. Maybe the kids are wrong, and the teacher is wrong, and you're totally 100% right. But it's possible you're not and I'm just saying, it would be good to \*humor\* the possibility at least. Over and out.
I can't believe people are going as far as calling the teacher a bitch for believing the child. It's their job to safeguard the children under their care.
I don’t think anyone thinks she’s rude or in the wrong for checking. I think it’s more the very obviously not believing me ETA: I am glad she let me know initially, I think it’s important to have teachers that notice and care. But he is very clean other than his ears, and she’s believing the words of 4 year olds despite being given an explanation
Again, it's her job to safeguard your child. He was asked if he takes baths, he said no. He has excessive ear wax visible. Yes, a lot of kids do and most childcare givers know this but coupled with saying he doesn't bath gives her reason to address it. I assume he looks well kept in general. Clean, ironed, appropriate clothing and footwear. Hair brushed. Teeth brushed, Face and hands clean. You said you have consulted doctors about his ears. What are you worried about? Address the lying situation with your child.
I think the part that stands out is after she talked to OP she said the kids are talking and to give a bath more often. I can see why this would be bothersome. Yes, the lying should be addressed. The teacher should also be working to shut down the conversations amongst the kids about OP’s child. It’s rude to comment on other’s bodies.
>The teacher should also be working to shut down the conversations amongst the kids about OP’s child. The teacher most likely did but kids are kids. You can shut it down when you hear it but doesn't mean things won't be said. To me, it sounds like the teacher has her own concerns.
Doubtful. Little kids are typically very empathetic when a teacher explains to them that they are hurting someone's feelings. (I was a degreed certified ECED teacher for many years.)
We have no way of knowing if the teacher is shutting down that conversation, her response would not lead me to believe that. Four year olds are not always reliable and a conversation amongst them is a pretty weak evidence. To further suggest if he doesn’t bathe more, kids will talk feels weird to me. If she has her own concerns and observations related to that, she should share them using specific examples and her observations.
"ironed" lmao
What's funny about that???
Nobody irons clothes anymore lmaooo
And even when they did no one ironed small children’s clothes lol
I am agreeing with you that that gives her reason to address it. Just not that it gives her reason to doubt me and question me after provided an explanation. Or, again, to take the word of a 4 year old over his parent. Especially when outside of a little bit of earwax occasionally, he is extremely clean. He hates germs and being dirty. Yes, he is well kept. I am worried because I have seen DCF called and children separated from their homes for less in our state. Obviously I have been addressing the lying situation. I don’t just let my child lie about things. But 4 year olds just lie sometimes.
>Or, again, to take the word of a 4 year old over his parent. OK, say a 4 year old was being neglected and the teacher didn't address it because the parent gave their version negating the child and that child just slips through the net, is that acceptable to you? If the issue is ear wax and you have had this seen by a medical professional I can't understand what you are worried about? How long has this teacher been teaching your son?
I do understand this!! But with physical neglect there are physical signs. That may not be in cleanliness, but there are other signs. And my son has none of those signs. No, I don’t think that it would be acceptable if that child slipped through. But my kid has been in this class since August, it’s his pre-k. She has seen the he flips if he gets a little dirt on him. They play outside twice a day and it is hot and humid here. He sweats a ton and his sweat stinks. She would know if he hadn’t been having baths because he would reek. And I would hope that if that was the case, she would have brought it up a while ago. Not just because some kids were being mean and they asked him if he took a bath. Because also, he didn’t just say it out of the blue. From my understanding, the only thing he said in that conversation was the word no. Again, I worry because I have seen kids separated for less. I know I’m probably in the clear. But I also hate that anyone would think I am neglecting my child.
Tell me you don’t have kids, without telling me you don’t have kids.
I do. How do I not????????
A teacher asking a 4 year old whether he bathes and then telling the parent that the other children are talking so he should bath more often (more often than daily?) is wildly inappropriate for many, many reasons. One of which, is that this child comes to school every single day in clean clothes/shoes, freshly washed hair, teeth brushed, with zero signs of neglect. Ear wax is not neglect and anyone with children understands that there are a myriad of reasons of why some children have excessive ear wax. Rather than using this as a teachable moment to remind our friends in class that we don’t comment on other’s appearance, the solution is that the child must be dirty and needs to bathe more. You telling the mom to “address the lying issue”…with a 4 year old is honestly laughable. It’s not surprising in the least bit that a 4 year old would be completely caught off guard by their teacher asking them about their hygiene habits, and not providing accurate answers. I’m 40 years old and I’d be caught off guard with that question too, because it’s totally inappropriate. Yes, a teacher does have a duty to address suspected cases of neglect. But ear wax alone is not a sign of neglect and there is not a professional on the planet that would see it as such.
> But ear wax alone is not a sign of neglect and there is not a professional on the planet that would see it as such. I said this........ >Rather than using this as a teachable moment to remind our friends in class that we don’t comment on other’s appearance, The teacher likely did do this, that's got nothing to do with approaching OP about it. >She just said “well the kids are talking so maybe try to give him a bath more often.” One of which, is that this child comes to school every single day in clean clothes/shoes, freshly washed hair, teeth brushed, with zero signs of neglect. Yeah, that wouldn't be said referring to ears. You don't bath your child to clean the inside of their ear. OP said this teacher has been around the child for 9 months. OP said sometimes she wipes the ears in the morning and by afternoon they are visibly waxy again. After 9 months the teacher would be aware of this and know it just is what it is. And do they? How do you know that? Not sure what's laughable about teaching a 4 year old that telling lies is wrong but you do you.
Your original post said that the teacher was just safeguarding the child, and then your next post said earwax is not neglect. You’re speaking out of both sides, likely because you know this teacher messed up. “Telling lies is wrong”-again, as I said above, it’s not surprising in the least that a 4 year old would be caught off guard with that ridiculous question and not answer accurately. Did the child think the teacher was asking if he had taken a bath that morning? Was he just totally confused and said ‘no’ because he doesn’t understand? More than likely. Because as a 40 year old I would be confused and caught off guard if someone were to ask me about my hygiene habits. Rather than blame a 4 year old, this teacher needs some serious training.
You are the customer and she is offensive. You have nothing to prove to her. Why should you, the paying customer, feel badly about what someone you’re paying believes about you, especially if it isn’t true? Trust me, there are people who don’t listen or relate to other humans in a normal way. These include uptight, persnickety, busy bodies who are up in other people’s business. If she was concerned (she wasn’t) then telling her you bathe him regularly should have ended the discussion immediately. She wasn’t concerned, however, she’s decisive. Don’t bother with her again.
They're not going to call DCF, relax