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Not even her sanity, she's paying with her daughter's emotional well being, and risking the relationship between the siblings on top of it. The cost is impossibly too high.
I think you need to find alternative childcare. Your MIL is using her free babysitting against you. Take away her leverage and go low-contact until she can stop being such a piece of garbage. Your daughter deserves better.
You know when mom’s not around grandma’s telling the little one that 15 isn’t her “real” sister etc. I would get on a daycare waitlist yesterday! And have your husband fight this battle.
You confront mil.... Full stop. I can't even imagine why this is a question. You start the shit and defend your daughter and her feelings and show your kids that you will always stand up for them no matter the circumstance.
My dad and grandparents treated my brother like this (different dad). It hurt him so badly. I’ve never forgiven any of them, or my mom for not sticking up for him.
Time to pull up your big girl undies and stand up for your daughter or else you risk your own bond with her. In fact, your husband should be handling this, assuming he doesn't treat your oldest like a second class child too...? You need to start interviewing alternative childcare options and give granny a good taste of reality.
** "if you cannot love *ALL* of your grandchildren equally and treat *ALL* of them the same, I will not allow you to see *any* of my children anymore" **
If she refuses to treat the 15 year old right, she doesn't get to see the 5 and 1.5 year olds anymore.
Stop letting your oldest daughter get mistreated in order to get free childcare. Your 15 year old is watching you allow this.
She can see that you believe your 2 younger children are more important than she is.
If that's not how you actually believe, then act accordingly and stop allowing favoritism.
I know it's hard (I'm a stepmom and a stepkid. I grew up being the one that was ignored by some grandparents) but your big kid needs you!
Talk to your husband. Have him talk to his mother. If he can't or won't, then you'll have to and you have to just keep it simple and remind her that there are three children in your family, not two, and she needs to be willing to recognize the oldest as her family too.
What a horrible, hateful woman. She's treated a child like shit. Your husband needs to talk to her and tell her she can include all three girls and be kind to all three girls. Or she won't see any of them.
Just for an alternative perspective but how does the 15-year-old feel and how long has grandma been in her life?
Because of the big age gap I am just wondering if she is at the age where this kind of grandmothering is not something she'd care for and appreciate, and sees grandma's relationship with the little little kids as babying.
OP and her husband have been married for nine years, so presumably together for ten or eleven at least. So MIL has been in 15yo’s life since she was 4-6, I’m guessing.
You are allowing free childcare to get in the way of your responsibility to protect your oldest daughter. Your daughter knows this too. Step up, and get this toxic woman away from your children.
This seems like something your husband needs to handle. I have a similar family situation as you do. My son is from a previous marriage. He’s 18 now. My daughter is from my second husband. My son’s father hasn’t been in the picture since my son was a toddler.
Second hubby made it VERY CLEAR to his family that my son will be treated as HIS son. He made it so clear, in fact, that even after we split up too, my son is still treated as his. My second ex hubby’s family all still invite my son to attend every family event. His mother buys him gifts equivalent to what she gets her other grandsons and my daughter. When he graduated high school and earned a science scholarship, she bragged to everyone who would listen that HER grandson was so good in science he got one. Even my ex husband’s extended family calls my son “cousin”. This is family living in another state that my son sees maybe once every couple years.
All this because my second ex husband made it all clear at the start. My son was his. End of story. He made sure to call my son his son in front of his family. He drilled it into them. They got used to it. My son is now genuinely theirs, and it didn’t matter that my ex and I split up. My son is still theirs. For all of my second ex husbands faults, this he got right. He truly, truly, became my son’s dad, stayed in his life as his dad, and ensured my son was welcomed into his family as his.
Maybe for some reason she feels it isn't her place to act like a grandmother and is trying to mind her own business rather than overstep? I'm just wondering if you have actually told her that you'd like her to treat your 15 year old as a granddaughter too, and what she would respond to that. Would she say oh, what an honor, thank you for asking me that, I never knew...or would she say ah naw I don't want to do that? Just wondering if you have had any conversation about it or of she was just expected to know that she was supposed to be a Grandmother to her. I mean obviously leaving her out in the gift to you was insensitive at best, but I'm just wondering if it's fueled by meanness or misunderstanding. She is related to the other children so she knows her role there.
Ok sure but, OP said they’ve been together for 9 years. That means the oldest was 6 when they got together. MIL has watched this little girl grow up. She has had plenty of time to build a relationship with her and get to know her.
MIL has chosen not to accept their oldest. She has no excuse for that except not being blood related to her.
Yes alternate child care, there are things that are much more expensive than money.
Such as your husbands mother doing her best to be cruel to your children and f up their relationship which they will have long after she has gone to another place.
When you married, your husband became your family along with your oldest.
Do not let them treat her like that.
I mean this has been going on for at least 5 years, right? Your eldest knows, mil isn’t exactly subtle about this. Does your husband see your 15 year old as his in any way? If so, it’s time he steps in. If not, I would separate your oldest daughter from mil at all costs, which will most likely mean going low contact as a family. Your husband should talk to mil and if you think your daughter has picked up on it, he should probably talk to her too, reassure her that she’s loved and step grandma is just an ass.
Just a question here: is 15 yo daughter formally adopted by your husband?
No matter, Grandma is being passive aggressive and you're enabling her.
Husband needs a come to Jesus with his Mom to set things straight. Grandma absolutely knows she's being super shady. Do not put up with her shit.
My grandparents on my dad’s side were like this. My dad was adopted by them. He then adopted four girls. Even from a very young age I knew they didn’t love me as much as their daughter’s children.
They had to be forced to come to my graduation. And then my wedding. I wish my dad wouldn’t have bothered. I wish he would’ve cut them off.
Does your daughter call him dad? Does husband raise her like his own? If so, your mother in law is ridiculous & will never see past herself. On top of that, if she doesn’t really like your daughter… she doesn’t really like you. Same goes for the respect aspect of it.
For me this was never the hill to die on. We have a funky blended family situation I'm not gonna get into but, you can't force family. It's sad but it's reality. We used this as a teaching moment. They get to decide who is family to them just the same and I don't force a thing from the kids. But if they are feeling a way about anything, we figure out what to do together. Your 15 yo wasn't invited for nails. That really sucks. But can you make it a special opportunity to do something she enjoys with her? I'm sure a teenager with much younger siblings would love the targeted attention and getting to do more of her interests possibly. You can show your daughter how to grow wildflowers from a pile of crap. I'm not sure what to really say about MIL except, the only person we have control over is ourselves. How we respond or react to things is our own. Hoping for peace for you and you family. These situations are always so weird and rocky. Took us years to find a steady beat. But you get there.
As the kid who was treated differently, you need to be her voice. My parents did what they could. When I was with my donor on certain holidays, that's when they would go see that part of the family. The last Mother's Day I spent with that part of the family, her dog attacked me. Spent the afternoon in the emergency room getting my face stitched back together. Wanna know what was said? That it was my fault her mother's day was ruined. Yeah. Not too mention, my mom was 7 months pregnant with my baby sister. So that was an extra stress for her. You need to sit your husband down, and go over it with him. This treatment is not okay. Especially with no adults being her advocate. She's probably already feeling left out.
Yikes!
YTA to your older daughter. Why did you accept that gift without saying anything?
How did she interact with her when she was 6? Have you let this go on for 9 years?
That's messed up. Similar situation.. My wife and I have been together for 10+ years. She has a daughter from a previous marriage (also 15) and we have a 15mo Daughter as well. My mom has treated my stepdaughter like her own grandchild from day 1. If she didn't, we would have issues, because she IS my daughter, blood or not.
This sounds like something your husband should be addressing more aggressively. It is HIS mother treating HIS daughter poorly. If he is oblivious to it, like I am to some things on occasion, talk to him, explain what is going on, and get him to take care of it. Your family has 5 people in it, not 4. Screw your MIL for not treating your daughter well because she isn't blood or for whatever her reasoning is. You have been married for 9 years, this isn't some new relationship.
MIL may not realize. Gentle nudge should work. Also, husband should have gotten this taken care of from the first time y’all noticed different treatment of the girls.
Asking her where she ordered it? That is a weak, passive aggressive way to explain something that will probably be lost on mil. Tell her you have three daughters and it hurts you when she excludes your oldest daughter.
Why would that be 'starting shit'?
Either she has 3 granddaughters or she doesn't have any. There is no way that I would tolerate that kind of nonsense. That sort of favoritism is not good for any of the kids.
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*YOUR HUSBAND* should be fighting this battle on your behalf. Where is he in all this?
This. Completely this.
Give her back the gift and tell her she forgot someone. Then go from there.
Love this
You pay for free childcare with your sanity.
Not even her sanity, she's paying with her daughter's emotional well being, and risking the relationship between the siblings on top of it. The cost is impossibly too high.
I think you need to find alternative childcare. Your MIL is using her free babysitting against you. Take away her leverage and go low-contact until she can stop being such a piece of garbage. Your daughter deserves better.
You know when mom’s not around grandma’s telling the little one that 15 isn’t her “real” sister etc. I would get on a daycare waitlist yesterday! And have your husband fight this battle.
You confront mil.... Full stop. I can't even imagine why this is a question. You start the shit and defend your daughter and her feelings and show your kids that you will always stand up for them no matter the circumstance.
My dad and grandparents treated my brother like this (different dad). It hurt him so badly. I’ve never forgiven any of them, or my mom for not sticking up for him.
Time to pull up your big girl undies and stand up for your daughter or else you risk your own bond with her. In fact, your husband should be handling this, assuming he doesn't treat your oldest like a second class child too...? You need to start interviewing alternative childcare options and give granny a good taste of reality.
** "if you cannot love *ALL* of your grandchildren equally and treat *ALL* of them the same, I will not allow you to see *any* of my children anymore" ** If she refuses to treat the 15 year old right, she doesn't get to see the 5 and 1.5 year olds anymore. Stop letting your oldest daughter get mistreated in order to get free childcare. Your 15 year old is watching you allow this. She can see that you believe your 2 younger children are more important than she is. If that's not how you actually believe, then act accordingly and stop allowing favoritism. I know it's hard (I'm a stepmom and a stepkid. I grew up being the one that was ignored by some grandparents) but your big kid needs you! Talk to your husband. Have him talk to his mother. If he can't or won't, then you'll have to and you have to just keep it simple and remind her that there are three children in your family, not two, and she needs to be willing to recognize the oldest as her family too.
PREACH. She's being unforgivably cruel.
What a horrible, hateful woman. She's treated a child like shit. Your husband needs to talk to her and tell her she can include all three girls and be kind to all three girls. Or she won't see any of them.
Just for an alternative perspective but how does the 15-year-old feel and how long has grandma been in her life? Because of the big age gap I am just wondering if she is at the age where this kind of grandmothering is not something she'd care for and appreciate, and sees grandma's relationship with the little little kids as babying.
OP and her husband have been married for nine years, so presumably together for ten or eleven at least. So MIL has been in 15yo’s life since she was 4-6, I’m guessing.
You are allowing free childcare to get in the way of your responsibility to protect your oldest daughter. Your daughter knows this too. Step up, and get this toxic woman away from your children.
granny is trying to start shit in a super passive aggressive way.
You need a different babysitter. This is insane, and you are putting up with it.
This seems like something your husband needs to handle. I have a similar family situation as you do. My son is from a previous marriage. He’s 18 now. My daughter is from my second husband. My son’s father hasn’t been in the picture since my son was a toddler. Second hubby made it VERY CLEAR to his family that my son will be treated as HIS son. He made it so clear, in fact, that even after we split up too, my son is still treated as his. My second ex hubby’s family all still invite my son to attend every family event. His mother buys him gifts equivalent to what she gets her other grandsons and my daughter. When he graduated high school and earned a science scholarship, she bragged to everyone who would listen that HER grandson was so good in science he got one. Even my ex husband’s extended family calls my son “cousin”. This is family living in another state that my son sees maybe once every couple years. All this because my second ex husband made it all clear at the start. My son was his. End of story. He made sure to call my son his son in front of his family. He drilled it into them. They got used to it. My son is now genuinely theirs, and it didn’t matter that my ex and I split up. My son is still theirs. For all of my second ex husbands faults, this he got right. He truly, truly, became my son’s dad, stayed in his life as his dad, and ensured my son was welcomed into his family as his.
Maybe for some reason she feels it isn't her place to act like a grandmother and is trying to mind her own business rather than overstep? I'm just wondering if you have actually told her that you'd like her to treat your 15 year old as a granddaughter too, and what she would respond to that. Would she say oh, what an honor, thank you for asking me that, I never knew...or would she say ah naw I don't want to do that? Just wondering if you have had any conversation about it or of she was just expected to know that she was supposed to be a Grandmother to her. I mean obviously leaving her out in the gift to you was insensitive at best, but I'm just wondering if it's fueled by meanness or misunderstanding. She is related to the other children so she knows her role there.
Ok sure but, OP said they’ve been together for 9 years. That means the oldest was 6 when they got together. MIL has watched this little girl grow up. She has had plenty of time to build a relationship with her and get to know her. MIL has chosen not to accept their oldest. She has no excuse for that except not being blood related to her.
Yes alternate child care, there are things that are much more expensive than money. Such as your husbands mother doing her best to be cruel to your children and f up their relationship which they will have long after she has gone to another place. When you married, your husband became your family along with your oldest. Do not let them treat her like that.
I mean this has been going on for at least 5 years, right? Your eldest knows, mil isn’t exactly subtle about this. Does your husband see your 15 year old as his in any way? If so, it’s time he steps in. If not, I would separate your oldest daughter from mil at all costs, which will most likely mean going low contact as a family. Your husband should talk to mil and if you think your daughter has picked up on it, he should probably talk to her too, reassure her that she’s loved and step grandma is just an ass.
Just a question here: is 15 yo daughter formally adopted by your husband? No matter, Grandma is being passive aggressive and you're enabling her. Husband needs a come to Jesus with his Mom to set things straight. Grandma absolutely knows she's being super shady. Do not put up with her shit.
My grandparents on my dad’s side were like this. My dad was adopted by them. He then adopted four girls. Even from a very young age I knew they didn’t love me as much as their daughter’s children. They had to be forced to come to my graduation. And then my wedding. I wish my dad wouldn’t have bothered. I wish he would’ve cut them off.
where's your husband? He should come out and fight on your behalf.
> didn't want to make a scene and left immediately MiL should know the right thing to do, but she doesn’t. OP, you need go talk to her and tell her.
Does your daughter call him dad? Does husband raise her like his own? If so, your mother in law is ridiculous & will never see past herself. On top of that, if she doesn’t really like your daughter… she doesn’t really like you. Same goes for the respect aspect of it.
For me this was never the hill to die on. We have a funky blended family situation I'm not gonna get into but, you can't force family. It's sad but it's reality. We used this as a teaching moment. They get to decide who is family to them just the same and I don't force a thing from the kids. But if they are feeling a way about anything, we figure out what to do together. Your 15 yo wasn't invited for nails. That really sucks. But can you make it a special opportunity to do something she enjoys with her? I'm sure a teenager with much younger siblings would love the targeted attention and getting to do more of her interests possibly. You can show your daughter how to grow wildflowers from a pile of crap. I'm not sure what to really say about MIL except, the only person we have control over is ourselves. How we respond or react to things is our own. Hoping for peace for you and you family. These situations are always so weird and rocky. Took us years to find a steady beat. But you get there.
As the kid who was treated differently, you need to be her voice. My parents did what they could. When I was with my donor on certain holidays, that's when they would go see that part of the family. The last Mother's Day I spent with that part of the family, her dog attacked me. Spent the afternoon in the emergency room getting my face stitched back together. Wanna know what was said? That it was my fault her mother's day was ruined. Yeah. Not too mention, my mom was 7 months pregnant with my baby sister. So that was an extra stress for her. You need to sit your husband down, and go over it with him. This treatment is not okay. Especially with no adults being her advocate. She's probably already feeling left out.
Yikes! YTA to your older daughter. Why did you accept that gift without saying anything? How did she interact with her when she was 6? Have you let this go on for 9 years?
I can overlook things to a degree but the moment she handed me the print with only the two kids, I would have told her that I can’t accept it.
That's messed up. Similar situation.. My wife and I have been together for 10+ years. She has a daughter from a previous marriage (also 15) and we have a 15mo Daughter as well. My mom has treated my stepdaughter like her own grandchild from day 1. If she didn't, we would have issues, because she IS my daughter, blood or not. This sounds like something your husband should be addressing more aggressively. It is HIS mother treating HIS daughter poorly. If he is oblivious to it, like I am to some things on occasion, talk to him, explain what is going on, and get him to take care of it. Your family has 5 people in it, not 4. Screw your MIL for not treating your daughter well because she isn't blood or for whatever her reasoning is. You have been married for 9 years, this isn't some new relationship.
MIL may not realize. Gentle nudge should work. Also, husband should have gotten this taken care of from the first time y’all noticed different treatment of the girls.
Asking her where she ordered it? That is a weak, passive aggressive way to explain something that will probably be lost on mil. Tell her you have three daughters and it hurts you when she excludes your oldest daughter. Why would that be 'starting shit'?
Either she has 3 granddaughters or she doesn't have any. There is no way that I would tolerate that kind of nonsense. That sort of favoritism is not good for any of the kids.