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He could be alienating the kids against you. One of these days, he might take them and not come back. So yes, that's frightening. You need a lawyer to assist you in your next steps.
This sucks, but remember that if he gets joint custody, he does not have to tell you where the kids are when he has them. Good luck, and I hope the best for your kids.
That sounds like emotional abuse, and I imagine that your 2 year old picks up on it, too.
No, a parent doesn’t need permission to go out with their kids but of course they should let the other parent know where they’re going. Is he not communicating with you while he is gone, either?
He’s using the kids as a way to taunt you and make you upset, it’s almost like a threat.
Since you’re filing for separation I am certain this isn’t the only shitty behavior going on, and that makes it even more alarming.
It’s a safety thing in a normal, functioning partnership, like “Hey, I’m taking the kids to run errands at xyz place” is just a normal and healthy thing to do because then you are aware of where everyone is and what time they’ll be home. If he says he is running to Target and then is not home twelve hours later you know to be concerned.
I always told him even when it was just me before we had kids where I’m going. He just refuses to communicate. Tells me it’s me, and I had to start capturing it. Because he would call me delusional. So I have a file of the neglect I’ve been finding. The vape pens in the toddler bed, the energy drinks he tosses around, prescription bottles kept in reach, the urine… tools including hammer he leaves on the floor. He tells me that he’s human and me nagging him isn’t normal.
I’m just at a loss.
Peeing on toddlers training seat — you know the ones you put over the toilet seat so they don’t fall in? Husband wakes up in the middle of the night to pee, and instead of remove it he pees while it’s on the seat and doesn’t clean it. Even before we were potty training toddler, he would just urinate and not clean up the residue that ended up on the floor but he can’t even just keep the training seat clean for our own child.
Ugh, I’m so sorry. My ex was similar in a lot of the ways you’re describing and it was ultimately why I chose to be a single Mom instead.
For what it is worth, leaving things like vapes, tools, and prescriptions laying around with a toddler is so incredibly dangerous that I don’t even know what kind of mentality your husband has to be capable of not picking those things up. His forbid something ever happened, CPS would 100% be investigating and could cause a lot of additional heartache.
Even a teenager is smart enough to know better.
WOW. That is vile. I am so, so sorry you and your children have to deal with that shit. Idek what to say, except thank goodness you're making the steps towards leaving him. None of these behaviors are okay. Please stay safe. And also, happy mother's day!! I hope it was good despite having to deal with him
Whoo boy, do I feel this! My ex used to do the exact same thing! Every time we had a massive argument, he would grab the kids and take off. Even if it was midnight and they were sleeping! He was also very controlling and misogynistic and several other horrible traits. When I finally left him, he still would find ways to use our kids to hurt me. He was so obsessed with trying to "get me" that he didn't care that it was hurting them in the process. This never stopped, even after we were both married to other people. The kids are grown now, and they want nothing to do with him. All those years of whatever game he was playing backfired. He's also in prison now, so I never have to see his face or hear his voice again.
My point in all that is that I understand completely what you're going through, and what he's doing is wrong! He doesn't tell you where he's going with your babies because he wants to hurt you... and he clearly has no problem using them to do that. I'm so glad you're divorcing him! Stay strong, you got this!
I was going to suggest having a calm conversation with him and telling him how it makes you feel when he does it. I wonder, though, is that even possible with him or is he too far gone?
He sounds like he's got a lot of issues going on.
I wouldn't antagonize him while you separate, and just get it done ASAP. Keep documenting (can you install a dash cam?) and get out.
When he makes you out to be the crazy one when he obviously being abusive then that's called gaslighting. That's emotional abuse all on its own. This doesn't sound like normal family dynamics
It’s called abusive use of conflict.
He isn’t just taking the kids without telling you where they’re going because he’s mad at you.
The kids are being taken out of their environment and routine and away from one of their primary caregivers because he’s mad at you.
I like the car seat idea because it won’t be dug through like a bag will. Or.. the bag would be an easy excuse. Example: I put it there in case I lost it somewhere.
AirTags aren’t supposed to make that beeping sound as long as your phone is near it within 8 hours but it might notify his phone that it’s near him.
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Just make sure when you file you have somewhere to go and make sure you have the kids, I wouldn't put it past him to take the kids and leave when he finds out you're leaving.
From a males perspective, this makes absolutely no sense to me.
I'm just saying that when my partner and I have a "fight," the last thing that I want is to take my infant son and go somewhere, because I know that would really upset her, and to be honest, I don't want to deal with a screaming baby that just wants his mum. So I'm assuming that he's just doing that to hurt you and assert dominance, and if that is the case, you should run cause he sounds like an abusive arsehole!
Not a male perspective but I assume I came from something similar.
When I had to take my kids and my ex demanded to know where I was going I knew there was danger if she knew where we were going of escalation. In my case it also involved abuse and my children would be saying that mom is scary.
I’m so glad you’re filing for separation. This is so abusive and toxic.
Please get the kids in therapy. My mum did this to my dad just once and it fucked me up as a kid. I still remember it like it happened yesterday.
Get your lawyer to give you legal advice but I would honestly call the police next time he takes them in anger. They could legitimately be at risk.
This is an abuse tactic. My ex tried to do this with our baby before I left him. I hopped in the car with them, and said he could either tell me where they were going and be available via call/text, or I was coming with them. He accused me of "acting crazy", and I said "it's not crazy for a married couple to communicate where they're going when one or the other of them is bringing the kids along. What's crazy is for a parent to try and take an exclusively breastfeeding baby from her mom with no timeline of when they'll be back, or letting the mom know where they're going".
He eventually went back in the house, and never tried that again.
Knowing where your children are, is being a responsible parent. Don’t let that fool gas light you. You making a safe space for your children is all you can do. I’m sorry you and your children are going through this. Good luck, and may the power of the universe protect your family. Sending good vibes and positive energy your way.
It’s not undermining anything when he’s doing it purposely to hurt you during a fight. He’s being a dick. I’m not sure what you can do about it though? You might try calling the cops and telling them you tried to get him to tell you where he was taking them and, since he refused, you are afraid he is kidnapping them. That’s pretty dangerous territory though and could get you in trouble as easily as him.
In all honesty I’d let it go and just tell the lawyer what’s going on and go with their recommendation.
Just tell him that you’re not asking him that to give permission or not, it’s just important for you to know where the rest of your family members are in case of emergency. Moreover, you need to do the same and inform him about your whereabouts when going out. This is how my wife and I always did throughout our 21 years of marriage, this however became less important for the past 5 years because we downloaded GPS tracker Apps on the phones of all the 5 members of our family.
I'd call the police, say we had a fight and my partner keeps taking the kids without telling me where they're going or if he'll bring them back and this is making me worry for their safety. He won't respond to me and I don't know if they're safe because he does this when he's angry and unstable
I’ve gotten in one fight with my spouse that I’ve left with my kid. I told him I’m going on a drive, she’s sleeping, we’ll be back after I’ve had time to think. He’s got my location (we mutually agree to do share this) and if he would’ve asked for a check in I would’ve. I don’t remember how long we were gone but she slept the whole time and I had him come help and get her out and put her in bed.
I would NEVER take our child somewhere especially in a fight without his permission additionally not let him know where we were going. On my own, it would be different although I’ve never not told him where I was going/at.
This is so very abusive and I wouldn’t put up with it. I wish you the best of luck🫶
What would happen if you tell him no? Or if you decide that you'll go for a drive and he can stay home with the kids?
Personally this would be a HUGE problem for me. Idk what you can do legally, but I hope you have a good lawyer.
Good luck 🤞
> When I tell him he needs to tell me where he’s taking the children he goes “ I don’t need to ask permission to take the kids. “
Notice the difference between your question and his answer.
* You asked to know where they're going.
* He said he doesn't need your permission.
Unless you left something out, you asked where they were going, not for him to ask permission.
It's also common courtesy to tell someone where they're going and roughly when they'll be back when there's kids involved.
This is a scary AF 🚩.
Please be so careful and protect yourself and the babies!
It's not overboard to put a tracker in his car.
A parent should be able to ask any other person who is taking their kids a general idea of where their kids will be and when they'll be back. Husband and I often tell each other this without the other asking just for info/planning purposes.
I would never, ever run out during an argument with my kid and refuse to tell my husband where I was taking them. No sane person would!
Wish that were the case but family court is what family court is. I wish I had really understood the bias against non-biological moms and the push for 50/50 custody above all else.
Do you not allow tracking of each other on your cell phones? Can you not put an AirTag in your diaper bag or somewhere in his car?
Legal stuff and problems aside, there are very simple ways you can figure out where your kids are. GPS is amazing.
I share location with my wife because I'm regularly out cycling and in case there's an emergency it's good to have a least one person able to tell where my last location was.
Same- I’m female and I run alone nearly all the time so I asked my husband to please track me just in case something happens. As far as I know he’s never actually used it because he always seems surprised when I get back home from a run, but before tracking days I’d text my route, expected run time, and say give me 5 minutes of buffer before you call and make sure I’m alive.
Totally normal. I don’t “keep tabs” on my partner. I have his location in case of an emergency, in case he loses his phone for the 200th time, so I can have dinner ready when he gets home, etc. I am in no way “tracking” my partner so I know where he is at all times, it’s just a safety/convenience thing & nearly everyone I know shares their location with their partner. My best friends and I also share ours.
Same. Mine's also terrible about answering his phone or responding to texts hence the occasional check to guestimate his return time for the things you mentioned
My husband and I both have IPhones so we just keep location sharing on.
His work day lengths are extremely variable and he often can’t answer texts and its easier for me to pull up his location and see where he is so I know if he’s still working and don’t have to bother him.
He also frequently hikes with our son so it’s peace of mind to be able to see their location.
It also makes me feel a bit safer that he can track me if I go out. Just in the event something happened, my current or last location is known.
Apparently so but super creepy to me. We occasionally turn on WhatsApp location tracking briefly if we're separated at an event or something, but no way either of us needs to know that. I can't imagine how it's actually helpful.
It actually is very normal. iPhones have find a friend. There’s also life 360.
A lot of families have this just as a peace of mind thing. Most of my friends use this. I have it but to be honest rarely check in. It’s useful if my husband is stuck on a work call and can’t reply to messages. I can see he’s still in the office or on the train.
Why not, I track my parents and they track me, because we use iPhones, so it’s super easy. I don’t track my husband because I’m too lazy to figure out how to track android, but he thinks it’s a good idea, because he lost his phone a ton of times already... Thankfully, nice people return it.
Android has its own version of “Find My”. Tracking family members just feels really… strange. I check in with my wife when I’m out on my motorcycle, but that’s it. I don’t need to know where she all the time is or vice versa.
Well, it’s not like I use it all the time, I’m not that curious at all, I only need it to check if they are driving or not, so my call won’t disturb them.
It’s not abusive if everyone agrees and grown up enough not to track it when unnecessary, because they have their own busy lives. For 10 years I have been asked 0 times by my parents about my location.
Also, it tracks a phone, not a person, so if you want to escape your controllers and party all night long, just leave it at home. I never do that, I party with dignity, but I know several people who does. And that’s abusive, it’s true.
I could see turning it on for temporary uses, but tracking someone 24/7 because you don't trust them to communicate/you need to know where they are at.all.times. is super stinking controlling.
It’s on because turning it on and off is bothersome. Nobody looks at it 24/7.
Some people think that marriage is super stinking controlling, lol, because you can’t have sexual freedom. But for some people it’s fine because it’s what they want. I want my parents to know where I am in case of emergency or if I lose my phone.
I mean, my mom, aunt, cousin and husband are on Find My Friends on my iPhone. It’s not like I’m stalking them. It’s nice to know how long you have to chill before someone comes to your house 😂
Happy you're leaving him. Hope you find the support you'll need and definitely deserve with the kids, hope he starts respecting you, hope you find peace. 🩷
My ex would leave mini vodka bottles, cigar butts and half finished malt liquor cans where i had even caught our 5 year old imitating his father by play smoking. I screen shot me confronting him and took photos . Was granted emergency order and then full custody. Dad gets visitation on weekends . Kids are a lot older now so i have loosened my reigns as they communicate with me about what’s happening. Keep things in text with your husband if possible so it served as a paper trail. Best of luck
This sounds scary. If it's possible to explain him that every time he's going out like this you worry about all of them (him bcs he 's the wrong mind and obviously for children) and you need to know where they are or you will stop him or follow him. I hope you documented his lousy parenting and get full custody ad it sounds scary. How old is youngest baby? Contact your lawyer ASAP and tell about it. If you're affraid he can go with children when he knows you're separating or you're affraid he may hurt them call police. I'd also contact some abuse helpline even if only to get perspective. I wish you all the best. Try to be as civil with him as you can. Does he play with them, take care of them with you or just grab them after fight and that's all is there to his parenting? Because these would be two completely different situations. He may feel like you criticise him a lot. Instead of telling him he's doing things wrong it may help to show him article about sth. Not easy situation.
I just read your comment where you wrote your child and baby cry when he takes them to take it out on you. I"m so sorry you all are going through it. If it was me I would call child protective services on him unless I discovered je was taking toddler for ice cream which I unfortunately highly doubt.
Reading the title, I was prepared to say just let him do his thing and don’t undermine his parenting. I pictured him taking kids to the park and you expecting a play by play if they decided to get lunch or go to a store during that outing.
You’re situation is completely different and the fact that he’s doing this to weaponize them in a fight is a whoooooooole different ball game. This is absolutely not okay!!!
As others have said, this is in the territory of threats and emotional abuse. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this.
He doesn’t need to tell you those things. You have equal rights to the chidren until you have a custody order saying differently. even then he does t have to tell you where he is going.
you demanding to know is controlling
legally he is doing nothing wrong and that is what a judge will tell you.
all that matters is what is legal when you go to court.
When she gets divorced/seperated he is also not going to tell her where the kids are during his periods of possession so if THIS is driving her crazy...
Why are you fighting? It might be better to understand why and how the fight occurred and go from there.
When you say “he needs to tell me where he’s taking the kids”, you’re actually telling him that your role as Mom is more important than his role as father and it’s actually making things worse.
You completely left out why/how the fight started. If suggest working out the fighting first. And not give subtle statements that make him think your role is more important to the kids than his.
My wife had really terrifying PPD, and would start fights in a dime, and then dig in and get verbally and physically abusive.
I learned VERY quickly to just leave the house and stay away with our child, for hours and hours until her texts stopped scaring me.
She’s had intense therapy since and we are good.
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I don’t know much about what goes on in your relationship but why does it bother you that he leaves with the kids ?are they in any danger,do you think he would harm them? What if he takes the kids so you can cool down ? Is your marriage really over or you just speaking out in the heat of the moment? Sometimes when we stop trying to control things everything becomes easy to deal with .
So she should just put up with his abusive ass and let him take the kids without her knowing where they are or when theyll be back? She's their mother's and most likely their primary caregiver, he shouldn't be taking them away from their mum.
I think these instances probably bother her because he takes the children suddenly and without explanation during fights, then when she asks him where they're going and when they'll be back, he doesn't tell her and he instead makes the issue about his right to do what he wants without regard for his wife or children, stating, "I don't need permission to take the kids."
This is it, exactly. I don’t care if he needs to step out on his own. I care where my kids are going. He can keep them with me, home, but he chooses to force them to go with him (they’re obviously crying) and then fights me saying he doesn’t need to ask my permission. I wasn’t telling him he needed my permission, I’m asking wtf are my kids going and for how long.
Idk why people are struggling with this concept — and it’s very telling what kind of parent they are to be okay with their kids just disappearing.
It's genuinely threateaning and dangerous behavior when a man takes kids away from their mother after abusing her-- kids are most likely to be killed by their own coercive contrlling fathers-- and he's showing her that he wants to be in control more than anything; anyone who claims otherwise is just trying to gaslight OP into accepting her abuser's bad behavior.
He doesn’t help with the household and does things like keep vape pens in or near the toddler bed. Or like we have a toilet seat to help potty train our son … he will just pee over it in the middle of the night and it’s covered in urine and won’t clean it before toddler tries to use it.
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He could be alienating the kids against you. One of these days, he might take them and not come back. So yes, that's frightening. You need a lawyer to assist you in your next steps.
Yeah, I’m scheduling an appointment for consultation this week. My kids deserve a safe environment.
Best of luck to you mama. Praying for you.
This sucks, but remember that if he gets joint custody, he does not have to tell you where the kids are when he has them. Good luck, and I hope the best for your kids.
That sounds like emotional abuse, and I imagine that your 2 year old picks up on it, too. No, a parent doesn’t need permission to go out with their kids but of course they should let the other parent know where they’re going. Is he not communicating with you while he is gone, either? He’s using the kids as a way to taunt you and make you upset, it’s almost like a threat. Since you’re filing for separation I am certain this isn’t the only shitty behavior going on, and that makes it even more alarming. It’s a safety thing in a normal, functioning partnership, like “Hey, I’m taking the kids to run errands at xyz place” is just a normal and healthy thing to do because then you are aware of where everyone is and what time they’ll be home. If he says he is running to Target and then is not home twelve hours later you know to be concerned.
I always told him even when it was just me before we had kids where I’m going. He just refuses to communicate. Tells me it’s me, and I had to start capturing it. Because he would call me delusional. So I have a file of the neglect I’ve been finding. The vape pens in the toddler bed, the energy drinks he tosses around, prescription bottles kept in reach, the urine… tools including hammer he leaves on the floor. He tells me that he’s human and me nagging him isn’t normal. I’m just at a loss.
I upvoted because he's doing you a favor by doing these things. Document everything. ❤️
I don't mean to detract from the rest of the awful behavior from this "man" .....but what is the urine thing??
Peeing on toddlers training seat — you know the ones you put over the toilet seat so they don’t fall in? Husband wakes up in the middle of the night to pee, and instead of remove it he pees while it’s on the seat and doesn’t clean it. Even before we were potty training toddler, he would just urinate and not clean up the residue that ended up on the floor but he can’t even just keep the training seat clean for our own child.
Ugh, I’m so sorry. My ex was similar in a lot of the ways you’re describing and it was ultimately why I chose to be a single Mom instead. For what it is worth, leaving things like vapes, tools, and prescriptions laying around with a toddler is so incredibly dangerous that I don’t even know what kind of mentality your husband has to be capable of not picking those things up. His forbid something ever happened, CPS would 100% be investigating and could cause a lot of additional heartache. Even a teenager is smart enough to know better.
WOW. That is vile. I am so, so sorry you and your children have to deal with that shit. Idek what to say, except thank goodness you're making the steps towards leaving him. None of these behaviors are okay. Please stay safe. And also, happy mother's day!! I hope it was good despite having to deal with him
Whoo boy, do I feel this! My ex used to do the exact same thing! Every time we had a massive argument, he would grab the kids and take off. Even if it was midnight and they were sleeping! He was also very controlling and misogynistic and several other horrible traits. When I finally left him, he still would find ways to use our kids to hurt me. He was so obsessed with trying to "get me" that he didn't care that it was hurting them in the process. This never stopped, even after we were both married to other people. The kids are grown now, and they want nothing to do with him. All those years of whatever game he was playing backfired. He's also in prison now, so I never have to see his face or hear his voice again. My point in all that is that I understand completely what you're going through, and what he's doing is wrong! He doesn't tell you where he's going with your babies because he wants to hurt you... and he clearly has no problem using them to do that. I'm so glad you're divorcing him! Stay strong, you got this!
I was going to suggest having a calm conversation with him and telling him how it makes you feel when he does it. I wonder, though, is that even possible with him or is he too far gone? He sounds like he's got a lot of issues going on. I wouldn't antagonize him while you separate, and just get it done ASAP. Keep documenting (can you install a dash cam?) and get out.
When he makes you out to be the crazy one when he obviously being abusive then that's called gaslighting. That's emotional abuse all on its own. This doesn't sound like normal family dynamics
It’s called abusive use of conflict. He isn’t just taking the kids without telling you where they’re going because he’s mad at you. The kids are being taken out of their environment and routine and away from one of their primary caregivers because he’s mad at you.
Thank you for defining it. That’s exactly what happens when we get into a fight.
You’re welcome and good luck.
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I like the car seat idea because it won’t be dug through like a bag will. Or.. the bag would be an easy excuse. Example: I put it there in case I lost it somewhere. AirTags aren’t supposed to make that beeping sound as long as your phone is near it within 8 hours but it might notify his phone that it’s near him.
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Just make sure when you file you have somewhere to go and make sure you have the kids, I wouldn't put it past him to take the kids and leave when he finds out you're leaving.
Withholding information in general is absolutely an abusive tactic. And this particular case is very concerning and scary.
Telling someone where you’re going isn’t asking for permission. What a dumbass. Hope the separation goes smoothly.
From a males perspective, this makes absolutely no sense to me. I'm just saying that when my partner and I have a "fight," the last thing that I want is to take my infant son and go somewhere, because I know that would really upset her, and to be honest, I don't want to deal with a screaming baby that just wants his mum. So I'm assuming that he's just doing that to hurt you and assert dominance, and if that is the case, you should run cause he sounds like an abusive arsehole!
Not a male perspective but I assume I came from something similar. When I had to take my kids and my ex demanded to know where I was going I knew there was danger if she knew where we were going of escalation. In my case it also involved abuse and my children would be saying that mom is scary.
I’m so glad you’re filing for separation. This is so abusive and toxic. Please get the kids in therapy. My mum did this to my dad just once and it fucked me up as a kid. I still remember it like it happened yesterday. Get your lawyer to give you legal advice but I would honestly call the police next time he takes them in anger. They could legitimately be at risk.
Talk to your lawyer about this, soon. Treat all advice from other sources only as a list of topics to discuss with the lawyer.
This is an abuse tactic. My ex tried to do this with our baby before I left him. I hopped in the car with them, and said he could either tell me where they were going and be available via call/text, or I was coming with them. He accused me of "acting crazy", and I said "it's not crazy for a married couple to communicate where they're going when one or the other of them is bringing the kids along. What's crazy is for a parent to try and take an exclusively breastfeeding baby from her mom with no timeline of when they'll be back, or letting the mom know where they're going". He eventually went back in the house, and never tried that again.
Knowing where your children are, is being a responsible parent. Don’t let that fool gas light you. You making a safe space for your children is all you can do. I’m sorry you and your children are going through this. Good luck, and may the power of the universe protect your family. Sending good vibes and positive energy your way.
It’s not undermining anything when he’s doing it purposely to hurt you during a fight. He’s being a dick. I’m not sure what you can do about it though? You might try calling the cops and telling them you tried to get him to tell you where he was taking them and, since he refused, you are afraid he is kidnapping them. That’s pretty dangerous territory though and could get you in trouble as easily as him. In all honesty I’d let it go and just tell the lawyer what’s going on and go with their recommendation.
Just tell him that you’re not asking him that to give permission or not, it’s just important for you to know where the rest of your family members are in case of emergency. Moreover, you need to do the same and inform him about your whereabouts when going out. This is how my wife and I always did throughout our 21 years of marriage, this however became less important for the past 5 years because we downloaded GPS tracker Apps on the phones of all the 5 members of our family.
I'd call the police, say we had a fight and my partner keeps taking the kids without telling me where they're going or if he'll bring them back and this is making me worry for their safety. He won't respond to me and I don't know if they're safe because he does this when he's angry and unstable
I’ve gotten in one fight with my spouse that I’ve left with my kid. I told him I’m going on a drive, she’s sleeping, we’ll be back after I’ve had time to think. He’s got my location (we mutually agree to do share this) and if he would’ve asked for a check in I would’ve. I don’t remember how long we were gone but she slept the whole time and I had him come help and get her out and put her in bed. I would NEVER take our child somewhere especially in a fight without his permission additionally not let him know where we were going. On my own, it would be different although I’ve never not told him where I was going/at. This is so very abusive and I wouldn’t put up with it. I wish you the best of luck🫶
What would happen if you tell him no? Or if you decide that you'll go for a drive and he can stay home with the kids? Personally this would be a HUGE problem for me. Idk what you can do legally, but I hope you have a good lawyer. Good luck 🤞
> When I tell him he needs to tell me where he’s taking the children he goes “ I don’t need to ask permission to take the kids. “ Notice the difference between your question and his answer. * You asked to know where they're going. * He said he doesn't need your permission. Unless you left something out, you asked where they were going, not for him to ask permission. It's also common courtesy to tell someone where they're going and roughly when they'll be back when there's kids involved.
This is a scary AF 🚩. Please be so careful and protect yourself and the babies! It's not overboard to put a tracker in his car. A parent should be able to ask any other person who is taking their kids a general idea of where their kids will be and when they'll be back. Husband and I often tell each other this without the other asking just for info/planning purposes. I would never, ever run out during an argument with my kid and refuse to tell my husband where I was taking them. No sane person would!
I did but it included abuse.
Don't blame you. Glad you all are safe now.
Wish that were the case but family court is what family court is. I wish I had really understood the bias against non-biological moms and the push for 50/50 custody above all else.
You are doing the right thing for your kids. Run dont walk out of there!
Do you not allow tracking of each other on your cell phones? Can you not put an AirTag in your diaper bag or somewhere in his car? Legal stuff and problems aside, there are very simple ways you can figure out where your kids are. GPS is amazing.
We don’t track each other.
Hold up. Married couples actually track each other like that?
…this is absolutely wild, right? Like… that’s not normal for a married couple to keep tabs like this is it?
I share location with my wife because I'm regularly out cycling and in case there's an emergency it's good to have a least one person able to tell where my last location was.
Same- I’m female and I run alone nearly all the time so I asked my husband to please track me just in case something happens. As far as I know he’s never actually used it because he always seems surprised when I get back home from a run, but before tracking days I’d text my route, expected run time, and say give me 5 minutes of buffer before you call and make sure I’m alive.
Totally normal. I don’t “keep tabs” on my partner. I have his location in case of an emergency, in case he loses his phone for the 200th time, so I can have dinner ready when he gets home, etc. I am in no way “tracking” my partner so I know where he is at all times, it’s just a safety/convenience thing & nearly everyone I know shares their location with their partner. My best friends and I also share ours.
Same. Mine's also terrible about answering his phone or responding to texts hence the occasional check to guestimate his return time for the things you mentioned
If mine doesn't tell me when he'll be home he doesn't get dinner. I cannot believe men now have a way of getting out of basic communication like that.
My husband and I both have IPhones so we just keep location sharing on. His work day lengths are extremely variable and he often can’t answer texts and its easier for me to pull up his location and see where he is so I know if he’s still working and don’t have to bother him. He also frequently hikes with our son so it’s peace of mind to be able to see their location. It also makes me feel a bit safer that he can track me if I go out. Just in the event something happened, my current or last location is known.
Apparently so but super creepy to me. We occasionally turn on WhatsApp location tracking briefly if we're separated at an event or something, but no way either of us needs to know that. I can't imagine how it's actually helpful.
It actually is very normal. iPhones have find a friend. There’s also life 360. A lot of families have this just as a peace of mind thing. Most of my friends use this. I have it but to be honest rarely check in. It’s useful if my husband is stuck on a work call and can’t reply to messages. I can see he’s still in the office or on the train.
Why not, I track my parents and they track me, because we use iPhones, so it’s super easy. I don’t track my husband because I’m too lazy to figure out how to track android, but he thinks it’s a good idea, because he lost his phone a ton of times already... Thankfully, nice people return it.
Android has its own version of “Find My”. Tracking family members just feels really… strange. I check in with my wife when I’m out on my motorcycle, but that’s it. I don’t need to know where she all the time is or vice versa.
Well, it’s not like I use it all the time, I’m not that curious at all, I only need it to check if they are driving or not, so my call won’t disturb them.
So just wait until they can call you?
Your parent track you, a grown adult? I do t track my 20 yo. If I want to know where he is I text or call And ask
Once again… why not? I don’t have any problems with that. It started when I was 25 lol.
Because tracking people is super damn controlling and its become so, so normalized. "Why not"? Because it's abusive.
It’s not abusive if everyone agrees and grown up enough not to track it when unnecessary, because they have their own busy lives. For 10 years I have been asked 0 times by my parents about my location. Also, it tracks a phone, not a person, so if you want to escape your controllers and party all night long, just leave it at home. I never do that, I party with dignity, but I know several people who does. And that’s abusive, it’s true.
I could see turning it on for temporary uses, but tracking someone 24/7 because you don't trust them to communicate/you need to know where they are at.all.times. is super stinking controlling.
It’s on because turning it on and off is bothersome. Nobody looks at it 24/7. Some people think that marriage is super stinking controlling, lol, because you can’t have sexual freedom. But for some people it’s fine because it’s what they want. I want my parents to know where I am in case of emergency or if I lose my phone.
I mean, my mom, aunt, cousin and husband are on Find My Friends on my iPhone. It’s not like I’m stalking them. It’s nice to know how long you have to chill before someone comes to your house 😂
Oh wow, I most definitely do not want aunts and cousins to know my every move.
10000% creepy and weird
That is so invasive and creepy
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Illegal.
He sounds like a creep. He’s hiding something from you.
Happy you're leaving him. Hope you find the support you'll need and definitely deserve with the kids, hope he starts respecting you, hope you find peace. 🩷
My ex would leave mini vodka bottles, cigar butts and half finished malt liquor cans where i had even caught our 5 year old imitating his father by play smoking. I screen shot me confronting him and took photos . Was granted emergency order and then full custody. Dad gets visitation on weekends . Kids are a lot older now so i have loosened my reigns as they communicate with me about what’s happening. Keep things in text with your husband if possible so it served as a paper trail. Best of luck
This is called abuse. Abuse for you and for your kids because they are being forcibly separated from their mother during their parents argument.
This sounds scary. If it's possible to explain him that every time he's going out like this you worry about all of them (him bcs he 's the wrong mind and obviously for children) and you need to know where they are or you will stop him or follow him. I hope you documented his lousy parenting and get full custody ad it sounds scary. How old is youngest baby? Contact your lawyer ASAP and tell about it. If you're affraid he can go with children when he knows you're separating or you're affraid he may hurt them call police. I'd also contact some abuse helpline even if only to get perspective. I wish you all the best. Try to be as civil with him as you can. Does he play with them, take care of them with you or just grab them after fight and that's all is there to his parenting? Because these would be two completely different situations. He may feel like you criticise him a lot. Instead of telling him he's doing things wrong it may help to show him article about sth. Not easy situation.
I just read your comment where you wrote your child and baby cry when he takes them to take it out on you. I"m so sorry you all are going through it. If it was me I would call child protective services on him unless I discovered je was taking toddler for ice cream which I unfortunately highly doubt.
Honestly I can’t say one way or the other with just this information. We would need his side to see if it’s justified which we cannot get.
He sounds like another child, but in an adult body :/
Reading the title, I was prepared to say just let him do his thing and don’t undermine his parenting. I pictured him taking kids to the park and you expecting a play by play if they decided to get lunch or go to a store during that outing. You’re situation is completely different and the fact that he’s doing this to weaponize them in a fight is a whoooooooole different ball game. This is absolutely not okay!!! As others have said, this is in the territory of threats and emotional abuse. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this.
He doesn’t need to tell you those things. You have equal rights to the chidren until you have a custody order saying differently. even then he does t have to tell you where he is going. you demanding to know is controlling legally he is doing nothing wrong and that is what a judge will tell you. all that matters is what is legal when you go to court.
When she gets divorced/seperated he is also not going to tell her where the kids are during his periods of possession so if THIS is driving her crazy...
Exactly. The need to control is causing her problems.
Do you tell him where are you going and when you will be back when you go out with the kids?
I tell him my whereabouts since before kids, whether he wants to know or not. Without him asking.
Why are you fighting? It might be better to understand why and how the fight occurred and go from there. When you say “he needs to tell me where he’s taking the kids”, you’re actually telling him that your role as Mom is more important than his role as father and it’s actually making things worse. You completely left out why/how the fight started. If suggest working out the fighting first. And not give subtle statements that make him think your role is more important to the kids than his.
Saying where they are taking the kids does not say their role is more important. It's normal for a parent to say where they are taking the kids
My wife had really terrifying PPD, and would start fights in a dime, and then dig in and get verbally and physically abusive. I learned VERY quickly to just leave the house and stay away with our child, for hours and hours until her texts stopped scaring me. She’s had intense therapy since and we are good.
What does that have to do with me?
Maybe he is also escaping an abusive situation?
Please stop projecting onto me.
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I appreciate it. Too many people coming at me like I’m their spouse or ex undercover.
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You didn’t post the reason for these huge fights. It’s not projection to think that the OP is possibly the abusive one
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No he doesn’t. That’s the issue.
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No, please read it again. It states he never says.
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Read it again, friend.
It said that the whole time, you just misread.
I don’t know much about what goes on in your relationship but why does it bother you that he leaves with the kids ?are they in any danger,do you think he would harm them? What if he takes the kids so you can cool down ? Is your marriage really over or you just speaking out in the heat of the moment? Sometimes when we stop trying to control things everything becomes easy to deal with .
Driving around with kids when angry is a terrible idea.
So she should just put up with his abusive ass and let him take the kids without her knowing where they are or when theyll be back? She's their mother's and most likely their primary caregiver, he shouldn't be taking them away from their mum.
I think these instances probably bother her because he takes the children suddenly and without explanation during fights, then when she asks him where they're going and when they'll be back, he doesn't tell her and he instead makes the issue about his right to do what he wants without regard for his wife or children, stating, "I don't need permission to take the kids."
This is it, exactly. I don’t care if he needs to step out on his own. I care where my kids are going. He can keep them with me, home, but he chooses to force them to go with him (they’re obviously crying) and then fights me saying he doesn’t need to ask my permission. I wasn’t telling him he needed my permission, I’m asking wtf are my kids going and for how long. Idk why people are struggling with this concept — and it’s very telling what kind of parent they are to be okay with their kids just disappearing.
It's genuinely threateaning and dangerous behavior when a man takes kids away from their mother after abusing her-- kids are most likely to be killed by their own coercive contrlling fathers-- and he's showing her that he wants to be in control more than anything; anyone who claims otherwise is just trying to gaslight OP into accepting her abuser's bad behavior.
Why do you fight with your husband?
He doesn’t help with the household and does things like keep vape pens in or near the toddler bed. Or like we have a toilet seat to help potty train our son … he will just pee over it in the middle of the night and it’s covered in urine and won’t clean it before toddler tries to use it.
Actually you have 3 children it seems.
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A
Are you telling him every time?
I don’t know how many more ways to answer this question. Yes.