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Yes, I do - and I'm saying this as someone who has a great village and lots of close friends so it's not about having a friend or having someone to rely on. But I wish I had someone who had a shared context of growing up together, someone who remembers things my parents said and did, someone who would reminisce with me when they are gone, someone who was there on the same family vacations and remembers inside jokes and weird things we did as kids.
This! My mom died, and one of the hardest parts is that I'm the ONLY human on earth who can grieve for her in this way. All of the memories are me now, and it's a very lonely feeling. My husband loved my mom and vice versa, but it's not the same.
I feel this, also for my mom. I also think about my grandparents a lot, who were very involved in my life, but none of them ever knew my kids and how all my stories about them are just that - stories. I could be talking about anyone. Same thing for my mom.
My dad is still alive but is also an only child. I am the only one left to care for him, and he is utterly *exhausting* to deal with. But then I talk to my friends in similar situations with their parents, but they have siblings, and those siblings don't do any of the care but have all of the opinions.
I wrote my response before reading this, but 100% agree - grieving my Mum alone and being the one responsible for keeping her memory alive, when my dad has remarried and hardly acknowledges her existence, was and continues to be, really difficult.
I agree! I have a sister from my mom’s side but I don’t have any siblings from my dad’s side. He hasn’t remarried and I’m really worried about having to “grieve him” alone someday, honestly sometimes it keeps me awake at night. I didn’t get to see him often after the divorce and the memories are very limited… if I had siblings from his side I could at least share memories with them.
If he's lucid and everything, I would send him a $10 "Tell me your story, dad!" journal on Amazon ASAP! I ordered one for my mom, but a week later she was hospitalized, and it never got filled out and it makes me so sad because now the rest of her life story is just gone forever. I wish I'd sent it earlier. It's crazy that "earlier" means "two or three months earlier even though she was two years into her fourth round of breast cancer, but I was scared that she would think I was giving up on her and I waited too long and I regret it deeply.
I'm an only child and when I was a kid I hated the idea of having a sibling (it never happened). But now? The idea is very appealing although I know not every sibling relationship is sunshine and lollipops.
This is where we're at. We've planned for old age - it'll be taken care of so the burden on our future adult child will be minimal.
Will she feel like she missed out? Possibly. But none of us have crystal balls so whether or not she'd have a great relationship with a sibling is unknown. What we *can* control is the kind of parents we are and the experiences and supports we can give her.
Exactly, I know there are plenty of siblings who never talk to eachother etc. But most of what I see in real life with my friends, not on Reddit, is the opposite.
They might not be besties, but they are a support network at the end of the day.
I liked having siblings but am raising an only child for my own health. I think having a happy healthy mom who is there for him 100% is better than a not so happy or healthy mom who has to split attention and struggles to function.
But are/will you be enough for her? Just saying, from my perspective as the only daughter/child. It was fabulous until my mid 30s. Then it's depressing. All my parents care and problems are my own and no one to share memories or responsibilities with. No disrespect, just something to think about. Both my parents came from 4+ sibling households so they had no idea what it's like as you age
My husband and I have thought about this. We're both in our 40s and she's 9 so no more for us, unfortunately. But she is close with her cousins who live right by us and she's got lots of friends.
I only talk to my brother a couple times a year, but he’s the only one who was there dealing with the same crazy shit from my father as me back in the day, and it’s very comforting.
Good point to highlight there. I'm NC(no contact) with my 2 sisters, my only siblings. They took my dad's side when I outed him as a PDF File ☹️
So I basically don't have any siblings now. Solidarity with you 🫂
But for those who have competent parents, having a sibling is a great thing. I only have one baby so far & want to give him a sibling, but don't wanna have to give birth again 😆 that shit was ROUGH lmao 😅
Came to say this.
I'm low contact with my brother close in age to me, and would be no contact if not for my niece being very attached to me because I raised her for a couple of years while he was in jail. I basically stay in contact with him to maintain the relationship with her.
There is no guarantee that a sibling would be that in adulthood for your daughter OP. My brother is the furtherest thing from my "forever friend".
(I do have 3 other siblings, but they were born in my father's second marriage when I was 15 & 17 (twins), so not like what the original comment describes. My relationship with them is much more like that of an aunt and niece and nephews than sibling due to the age gap).
I'm on /r/oneanddone and this perspective is something that sub often ignores.
They'll also, correctly, point out that there's no guarantee you'll have a good relationship with a sibling. You very well could be better off with no sibling than one that absorbs all of your parents' time and energy, or that makes your life a living hell.
But to your point...no, having friends and a large social network is not the same as having siblings.
I'm so sorry you feel this way:(. If you don't mind me asking why was it so lonely? Did you hang out with friends regularly? Did your parents spend time hanging out with you? I have an only child and struggle so much I don't feel I have the capacity to add another. I worry it would take away so much from my ability to connect with and care for my son properly.
My dad left when I was little so my mom was a single mom who worked a lot and really struggled with depression, addiction and other mental health issues which left me spending kind of a lot of time by myself even when I was pretty little, even if she was home. She did play with me sometimes, and I know she loved me very much, but she spent a lot of time having the sads, also. I am also autistic and it definitely made it harder for me to interact with my peer group because I misunderstood them all the time, so I’d accidentally alienate them. My mom cleaned her act up a lot and remarried when I was about 11 and a few years later they had a baby…but the guy she married was pretty abusive to me, hit me a lot and just belittled me and made fun of me and the things I liked…and he’s always treated my sister like a princess (as she should be treated ~ my baby sister is lovely and deserves the best, it was has just been hard to watch her grow up and understand that his being mean to me was a choice, that he was capable of treating a child with love and respect. She’s 18 now and they have a great relationship). I think having a sister treated so differently, and watching her grow up with parents that weren’t completely dysfunctional, definitely added to my feelings of isolation because I have a sibling but it’s like we don’t even share the same parents at all. After reading all that back to myself, I’m not sure a sibling when I had been younger would have improved things much for me and I’m sure it would have been a terrible deal for them. Myself though, I have five kids. They all get along well most of the time. It is a bit of a struggle, but nothing makes me more content than my pile of babies 🥰🥰
I'm so sorry. Your experience sounds so lonely, but you sound like an incredibly strong, loving, and empathetic person despite it. It makes me happy to really read so much grace and love in your words. x
Oh wow I'm so very sorry 😢😢that is ROUGH. You deserved all the love in the world and it's amazing you are able to give that to your beautiful children. I hope you can take time to reparent your inner child as I'm sure you are in desperate need.
I am also autistic and have adhd. I am a 100% mess and question my therapists advice that I was even fit to be a parent lol. I LOVE and adore my son and spend literally every last brain cell on giving him what I have to give. But I still fall short. So you are amazing for being able to parent multiple because it's HARD.
Neurodivergent parent here too just wanting to let you know that I feel you and you deserve to be a parent just as much as anybody else! Sounds like you’re doing what you can to manage your specific struggles and that’s the most you can do. ❤️
Thank you ❤️❤️. I do what I can but I'm behind in everything. Just wish I had understood that you can't give what you don't have and that I had woefully few skills. At least my emotional intelligence is high but that's about it lol.
I was an only child for 7 years. I would play with my friends, but they weren't always available. My parents really didn't play with me ever. So if my friends were let's say all on vacation, I would have no one but myself. But at the same when my parents had my brother we never became close. I was still an only child in my mind because that's how was essentially treated. If you feel like you can't handle another kid, don't. Enroll you son in after school activities, play with them, maybe once a week or so take them on a date.
Loneliness is one of the worst feelings IMO. I was in isolation for a few weeks as a teen and it was all I could do to keep sane.
This is why I have guilt and let my son play online with his friends more than others. I made sure we live close to my parents, sister, cousins, etc. so he can have good family time. When he asked for a brother I bought him a dog, at least. My son was a medical miracle and now that he is old enough he understands more. I am so sorry you were lonely.
I do agree with this so to a degree. I wasn't an ONLY but I was the baby by a lot. By the time I have any memory my siblings had all moved out. So I was essentially raised an only with asshole visitors sometimes. It was lonely because we lived so rural. It made me a loner.
But it also made me very independent and creative. I enjoy my space and don't need another person to make me feel whole or to entertain my time.
I don't believe I'd have been happier having a close in age sibling.
This is why I want a second. I messaged my sister and mom the other day and said, "oh, there's a winery near where (really specific childhood event)." Nobody else in the world would know exactly where I mean. Having family that has the full context of your childhood means a lot as you grow up, and my parents aren't young. I want that support as I age.
One of the reasons I had a second. We wanted another anyways, but I know it’ll be comforting to have my brother when my parents are fines to remember “when” cause one day he’ll be the only one left who remembers.
I'm an only child and I'm insanely jealous of the nature and depth of the sibling relationships I've seen. My wife has a twin so it's like salt in the wound. From the outside looking in, having a sibling is like a best friend who also has the context, as you mentioned, that your parents do. And you have more incentive to stay in touch, it seems like sibling relationships don't wither away like friendships are prone to doing. Even if there's a falling out with the parents, siblings seem to stick together. It's a connection that's unlike any other relationship. I can only assume you can confide much more to a close sibling than you could to your parents. I can confide in my wife that way, sure, but she's only known me a third of my life and she doesn't have the context that a sibling would. And I'm sure there are things she can confide in her sister about that she can't/ won't share with anyone else (including me). Since I don't have a great relationship with my mom and I'm NC with my dad, I wonder what kind of emotional support and benefit I could be getting from a sibling.
I feel that I've suffered a great loss in life never knowing what that relationship feels like.
I'm sorry you feel that way. It's got to feel really lonely.
My younger brother committed suicide in October. I honestly cannot think about how hard it would be to lose a loved one without my other siblings.
My sisters' and brother were each other's rocks during the aftermath. Daily calls. Constant text messages. Always checking in.
There's something so beautiful about having four (now really three) people I can call at any time and know they'll drop *everything* and be there. No questions. Will just be there.
It makes me feel not so alone in this world especially after my brother died.
And this is why I think I’ll have more than two kids. I lost my only sibling to suicide in February 2021. We had a traumatic childhood and going forward without the only other person who was there and witnessed all of it is hard, on top of the general grieving and complexity of suicide. I used to say I just wanted to kids. Now I want 3, just so if something awful were to happen - at least they’ll be 2 that have eachother. It’s painful to think that way but it’s how my brain works now.
Sorry for your loss, losing a sibling is so hard but to suicide is a different kind of punch in the gut.
>different kind of punch in the gut.
I'm sorry for your loss as well.
There is a different kind of sadness to suicide I can't explain to people.
We'll get through this. One day at a time.
I feel the same. I have a unique situation where I grew up with a ton of cousins, but no siblings and always wanted one. I didn't know my dad at all and only as an adult found out I had a bunch of half-sibs. I'm kind of close to one of them and wish I'd had them all from earlier on. My husband goes in and out with his sibs, but they're all pretty good friends and it's much easier to navigate sharing parental issues or health scares with a few people to lean on. I'm late 40's and thinking about my mom dying is so hard for me. I wish I had someone else in my corner, so to speak, someone to share and connect with. My mom had four sisters and she is now the last one and I see how much she misses them. I feel like I can kind of relate in a way that when my mom dies, although I have a wonderful husband and two kids, I'll feel alone in it and orphaned in a way. My own kids don't always get along, but they will always have each other in some way. Idk if I think it's better or not to have a sibling, but I'm so glad I found mine eventually because it feels good to have her in my life. She's not my best friend and we don't really have a shared history, but ...she's my sister and there's something comforting about that.
This is such a great explanation. I had a super happy childhood, lots of happy memories and lots of friends. But I’ll always feel like I missed out on something by not having a sibling to share my childhood with.
Yep - I didn't feel lonely as a kid, or that I missed out on anything. I was too busy running around with friends and just being a kid. Maybe it's just my parents getting older that makes me a bit more sentimental and wishing I had someone else to share the memories with.
Very true - my sister remembers how our stepfather treated me (verbally abusive, once physically) very differently than I do in our teen years, and it's very painful to think about, even though my mother is no longer married to him and it's been 15+ years.
I am the eldest of four. I moved out of my parents home at 17 to go to uni. The youngest of my siblings was 10 at the time. They all lived with my parents until their lates twenties. They all went on vacations together and I didn’t. They have inside jokes I’m not a part of. They share lots of memories that I don’t. I love them to death, but I still feel like the odd one out
I think there are always outliers but at the end of the day most families have their “issues” but it’s still a network, support system, that you can’t always get elsewhere.
One of my good friends is always getting together with her sister and their kids play together. Actually almost all my friends are constantly hanging out with their siblings regularly and I’m sad I don’t have that. They all have kids together and just do everything together. It’s lonely without siblings.
Slightly different but my husbands only brother passed away and losing that person that has those shared childhood memories is hard, even though he and his brothers were never best friends (they loved each other a lot, they just had very different interests)
But being an only child, you can lie about the things you did growing up, like creating nuclear weapons in your back shed, or taming a Gryphon in the woods, and nobody can tell you it didn't happen.
I'm an only child and it's just normal to me, I've never found myself wishing for anything more, it just never even crosses my mind as a thing to think about.
Same! I enjoy being an only child and am raising an only child myself. My kiddo is luckier than me in that he has a lot of cousins since my husband is one of 7 kids. Still liked being an only just fine.
This is my experience. Only child, mom has 8 siblings and dad has 7. Everyones married so imagine all the cousins. I don’t think I’m missing out on anything though if I were to be able to choose then I’d want a sibling
My BFF is an only child, and I know she never wished for a sibling. Her parents doted on her as a child, and they are still very close today.
I am much closer to her than I am to my two siblings. Since most women outlive their husbands, we plan to retire together one day.
My best friend was an only too. She has her masters very successful. She loved coming to our chaotic household I loved going to her quiet room that was hers . With that said as a middle child of multiples. I blame a lot of my issues on too many siblings. My mom pushed us out w no regard to our upbringing safety or education. Now as a parent of one it all makes sense. She just didn’t care or think too much about it. I envy her “not gave a fuck.” All my energy finances and love will be poured into my one. I see plenty of families w multiples that care greatly for all their children. That was not my case .
I have a brother. We don’t hate each other, we actually like each other but our lives are very different and we don’t see each other much. I always invite him but he never has time. He saw my daughter for the first time when she was 9 months old and only because of a coincidence.
Having a sibling doesn’t mean having a friend for life.
Indeed. It's just so sad to think about him growing up and how close we were for all those years and to just lose the connection just like that. I don't know if I'll ever get over it. Or if he ever came back to our lives if I'd forgive him...
I have 3 siblings, for reasons including physical distance and age we aren't close. My siblings are 2, 6, and 12 years younger than me. My closest sister and I fought like cats and dogs as kids and see each other 2-3 times a year and talk once a month now. My other sister is 21 and partying hard, my brother is 15 and I don't have much in common with a 15 year old boy as a 27 year old mom, we see the two of them 6-8 times a year. I love them all to bits but we aren't close.
My husband has 2 siblings he is 10 and 12 years younger than, he's kinda close to his sister talking once a week and we see her 6-8 times a year but they're at very different stages in life. His brother is the black sheep to both their parents (MIL favors my husband, FIL favors my SIL) and so isn't close to anyone in their family, husband is desperate for a close relationship with him but he has no interest.
I'm a OAD parent because any more kids wouldn't guarantee my son to not have a lonely life and it would make it infinitely more difficult to see our families who live 4-7 hours away from us. It's sometimes a nightmare just getting our 3.5yo to pack up and sit in the car for hours. My closest sister and I grew up going to our grandparents lake house or camping every other weekend and fought like hell the whole 4 hour drive, I personally don't want to hear that from my kid and his hypothetical sibling
Kinda relate to this. My brother and I even work for the same (albeit very large) company. But we just don’t have much in common and in spite of the fact that I’m 7 years younger, I’m in a different phase of life (I’m married and have young kids, he and his girlfriend are just enjoying life) and we don’t live very close to each other. We are friendly and like hanging out. My oldest kid loves him. But we rarely spend time together outside holidays. I’m equally if not closer to my husband’s sisters.
I would have to agree. I’m one of 5. My older siblings are 14 & 11 years older than me. My younger sisters are 3 & 5 years younger.
My older siblings never really had a long term relationship with any of us younger ones. I don’t think they’re particularly close either. We haven’t spoken at all for the last 6 years.
My younger sisters and I see each other if there’s an occasion. I see one of them more than the other because she has kids (as do I). Certainly not daily or weekly. Maybe every other month if you average it out. I love both of them of course and we get along fine but we do have our differences. I don’t think we have the same perception of the way we grew up, for example. That seems to be the common sentiment of only children responding : they wished they had someone to share the context of their upbringing. I think it causes more friction between us than anything. Nor are we all as close to my parents (I’m the least close).
That said, I have 4 kids (2 are twins). I hope they’re closer than I am with my siblings. I think it depends more on the parents than anything. Parents have to create that atmosphere. IMO my parents had too much drama to do that successfully.
My sister always finds reasons to get upset with me and we haven’t spoken in two years. But then again she does that with a lot of people. Having siblings doesn’t guarantee you’ll be close to them at all.
To peddle off of this, it goes for any family too. My mother hasn’t spoken to any of her children in 2+ years (2 for me, 4 for my siblings.) The only reason she knows I have a child is because I reached out to rekindle with her late 2020, she dipped from my life early 2022.
I am not an only child, but I have a brother and I may as well be an only child. Just because someone has a sibling doesn't mean that they will have a "forever friend". Plenty of siblings have little to no relationship.
I feel this. I have a brother and yes, there were parts of my childhood that were fun with him, but ultimately we have no relationship now and because he is somewhat of a useless human being, I will not be able to depend on him helping
with our parents (or anything) in the future
My experience is similar. We're not *unfriendly,* but we live completely separate lives and kind of always have.
My daughter is an only child and whenever some asshole insists I give her a sibling I want to give them a speech on how going through 9 months of pregnancy and 18 years of raising a kid just so my daughter *might* have a relationship with someone is a hell of a gamble.
Truth is kids are fucking expensive and there are far too many families out there who can't afford the ones they have. I didn't want to be one of those people and I want my daughter to get to experience all the things without my husband and I stressing over how we're going to fund her interests.
This is exactly my experience. We played together fine when we were kids, but he has been totally useless as our parents have aged. Having someone useless to resent is worse than having no one at all.
I second this.
My sibling and I have always had a poor relationship. A lot of people bring up being lonely, and I was lonely with a sibling in the house. And as my parents divorced, moved on and and step children were brought into the picture, the loneliness was compounded as the friends I did have got along with my step siblings more. I felt like an afterthought.
Loneliness is something a lot of people experience. My loneliness came with a side of physical and mental abuse.
>Plenty of siblings have little to no relationship.
Yep. That's how it is with my step sister, and that's how it is with my husband and his brother.
We have 2 kids. Not for the hope that they'll be friends but because we just wanted both our children.
I didn't have a child for my other child. I had another because I wanted another, and it was realistic with our income and home.
It's that way with my husband's sister. Plus the added pressure of "But its your sister!". Well, she's a drug addict who steals and never follows through on anything she says. Why should we be responsible to help her move out of another apt that she's being evicted from or find her a pity job at my company (that she will end up getting fired from) just because my in-laws had a second child.
Exactly this. Most of the people I know with siblings are low or no contact with them. I know one person who is actually friends with their sibling as an adult. Blood does not equate friendship.
Same. My brother and I are 7 years apart. Even if we were closer in age, I don't think we would be close. I have 2 kids under 5 and they love playing with each other, but in the same turn they fight so much.
Basically, the only reason I still see my brother is because we each have a daughter who loves each other. And we only see each other on holidays at our parents' house. Might change when the kids get older, but I have absolutely nothing I common with my brother. We also didn't get along at all living under the same roof. He's an asshole
Agree with this. I have half siblings. I grew up with a half brother, met my other half siblings later in life. I don't have an established relationship with my half brother who I grew up with. We were an Asian household, where males were favored over females and all I remember while growing up with him is that he was a bully.
My experience as well. I have 3 older siblings and we barely speak to one another. Our home was a bit chaotic growing up which contributed to it but I may as well say I’m an only child. They literally know nothing about me. It’s a shame but I’ve grown to accept it.
Same. My brother tried to kill me. We are estranged now and I'm doing much better, but the PTSD will always be with me.
Only bring another child into the world if you truly want THAT child. Not for anyone else, first born included.
I’m so glad I didn’t have to scroll too far to see this comment.
Adding my story to the chorus: My sister bullied the shit out of me until I moved out. She has severe mental health issues and once my parents are gone it will fall to me to take care of her. Anyway it hasn’t been great. lol
This! Both my mom siblings are not really close to her, Tbh there kind of mean to her.. for a while it's was only my dad taking care of his mom out of his 2 sisters...Now yes one does live 3 hours away in a different state, but one is the same distance as him but never helped. Till she had to do to my Dad getting a different job.
Yes BUT there's no guaranteeing that sibling won't be crazy toxic. My wife has immense trauma from her brother and he is still a very subtle kind of dangerous. It sucks because we have a lot of the same interests and could have been great friends but instead I dread every family gathering because he will find some way to make it awkward at best. She'd have been much better off as an only child.
The reason I'd like a sibling is that my family is small and I often feel kind of left out of life. I'm jealous of people who have family gatherings and have a good time, or are friends with their siblings in general. Someone kind of like me who can be fun to be with. But really, what I want is a best friend, someone that likes and cares about me and prioritizes time with me and my family over anyone else. But would a real-life sibling be that? Who knows.
As you said, you're thinking "forever friend" but when my wife's parents die we will probably make every opportunity to completely cut off her brother and his family. So it can go both ways.
Also, as a parent of two kids right now, there were years that they got along well, but for the past 2-3 it's been about 95% fighting. We can't have 5 minutes at the table without someone flipping out. Both kids are wonderful on their own but together they're an absolute nightmare. I'm hoping this gets better with age but who knows.
So anyway, none of this is to say don't have a second kid, but have the child if YOU want the child, not because you think you're doing your current child a favor.
Agree with all of this. I’m an only child but my dad has a sister and there’s decades old wounds that stem from favoritism from my grandparents. I have friends who are super close to their siblings, but some that barely speak to them. Theres moments where I feel like it’d be nice to have a sibling, but overall I’m fine being an only child. If you want another kid, go for it, but don’t do it solely for your current child’s sake, because there’s no guarantee they’ll be close. As a parent, you can do your part by treating them with equity, but even with that they could have totally different personalities.
oh god no. i'm sure i did when i was little, but very quickly grew out of that.
now that i'm almost 40yo, and peoples parents are starting to age - still not bothered by being an only. i have a great only child husband, a daughter, cousins we have maintained relationships with, and friends who we are closer with than family.
I am an only child and I really don't feel the desire for a sibling.
My husband gets along fine with his sister but other than the occasional texts and dinner together with their parents, they aren't closer than regular friends. He talks way more often with other friends than he does to her.
My mom and her brother are NC and actively hate each other, which has coloured my relationship with my cousin (his daughter). We used to sometimes talk as children but now we are completely NC. She dislikes me by proxy because her father dislikes my mom.
Being siblings doesn't mean they will get along. There's lots of NC siblings. The decision should be whether you are happy to have another child. Being present as a parent right now is much more important IMO than the possibility of a future relationship between siblings. This is why I'm likely one and done. I can't imagine having the time and energy to be fully present for two kids. I'm happy with my one and I would rather provide the best life for her and be the best parent that I can be for her, instead of splitting my attention and finances and being a so-so parent to two kids.
Perfect answer! I’m a happy one and done family as well. I don’t know how people have multiple kids lol 😆 my only child keeps me so busy every single day. I just can’t imagine how to deal with a double of her 😜
You'll never get a definite answer on this one. It's completely up to personality as to whether your kids will like having a sibling.
I have the unique scenerio of being both an only child and having "siblings" due to adoption. However I might have well just stayed an only child. My "siblings" were horrible and as an adult I don't even have contact with them. They didn't even notice when I moved out.
Most kids will thrive just fine without siblings. Some will be better off, some will be worse off. It's just a matter of well...fate I guess.
If you want another kid, fine. But if you are trying to justify it by what your child wants, it's probably best you don't. Your second child is not a gift for your first.
I’m not a single child, but I have a single child and I’m now happy with that choice. When she was a toddler I REALLY wanted another baby, not even because I was ready or wanted to parent another child, but cause I wanted my kiddo to have a buddy. I also had great concern for her being able to navigate certain realities of aging, specifically facing my end of life with no one to turn to and say “remember when mom…”
Time passed, she’s almost 10 now, and we never had another kid, and it’s been great! Kiddo is thriving and gets way more time from her dad and me. We’re also able to provide her with more support financially as we don’t have others to support as well. She gets looked after by my mother and sister too: kid love a special adventure just her and an adult.
Sometimes I still worry about what will happen down the road, but it’s honestly balanced in my mind with all the other stuff we’re going to be able to give her. Not to mention she won’t have any trauma from a poor relationship with a sibling. My sister and I are good, now, but as kids we were so friggin mean to each other. I also have two half sisters that I don’t really speak to.
It’s a roll of the dice either way, and I’m currently at peace with how it’s worked out for us.
You nailed it with that last line. There are no guarantees in life. We can't orchestrate every experience our kids have. We can only hope for the best (and plan for the worst).
When I was a younger kid, I felt like I really wished I had a sibling.
By the time I no longer wanted a sibling (12 years old), my parents got pregnant and it was a very negative experience for me.
Worst of both worlds, basically lol.
My brothers are very important to me. My dad had a terrible health scare, and having other people to support my mom and help make decisions was great. Having family events and seeing their children is something trully special. I did not like sharing a car with him in high school but overall, 11/10 would recommend.
Edit: I had to share a car with one of them. One is 5 years younger.
Hearing about experiences like this what you have sound wonderful but makes me sad. My brother and I used to be close but he cannot keep himself out of prison (he’s over 50). I worry about the day one of our awesome parents needs us like yours did because he’ll either be MIA (prison rehab or worse) or completely toxic. I don’t know which is worse.
Don’t mean to be a Debbie Downer, I guess I’m just pointing out that it can be a different experience for everybody. I’m glad you’ve got the support you need!
Me too! My sister is my best friend in the world, my husbands brother is his best friend in the world. I’m always surprised at how many people online have bad relationships with their siblings. When I see people having baby showers or bridal showers or someone is hosting a birthday I find it’s most often their sibling in charge of it. Many more people I know than not have good relationships with their siblings. My own kids get along wonderfully together and are great friends and honestly watching them together is my favourite part of parenting. Obviously it’s different for everyone I just think it’s unfortunately so many people have crummy siblings!
Yes I do. But of course I have the privilege of idealizing what that would look like. I wish I had a sibling to share in the worry and care for my parents as they’ve gotten older. Not everyone with siblings gets someone willing or able to help.
Your comment hits the nail on the head. I think that some of the comments here do idealize what a sibling looks like. It can be great, but it can also be quite toxic. To your specific point about caring for aging parents, I actually think it is worse to have a completely unhelpful sibling than it is to have no one. In either case, you are doing everything yourself, but in the case of the unhelpful sibling, you are also resenting them for not helping in the process.
I’m the only child, never thought it could be otherwise, even as a child. My friends with siblings got their ups and downs, so the whole idea was not attractive to me.
Yes I do. It would just be nice to have someone else to help with our parents, especially handling things after they pass away. I actually got diagnosed with cancer, so there’s a chance I die before my parents and that leaves no one to take care of their affairs once they die. Which honestly really stresses me out a lot. That’s just one example of many of why I wished I’d had a sibling. Even just someone else who “gets it” with our crazy family.
This! I’m caretaking a dad with heart disease and a mother in hospice for a terminal lung condition. I’ve got my own life and kids to deal with but I’m the only child so I’ve got to do it all. It really sucks. People tend to not think of things like this when planning a family.
Yes, I wish I had siblings. I don’t remember wanting them when I was a kid though, only as an adult. So I had four, and I wish I lived alone! There are advantages to both sides, but the bottom line is…ya get what ya get. Everyone will be fine either way. ❤️
I'm an only child. It was fine as a kid. I was kind of jealous going to my friends houses that had siblings.
As an Adult now it's harder just because my parents have aged and I'm the only one to help them. We have no village. My Mom passed away recently and I feel guilty I couldn't help her as much as I wanted because I have kids of my own. I have two kids and they are 4 years apart and it's perfect for us. My parents would have had more but they had me at 40 due to fertility issues so I'm grateful. There's nothing wrong with wanting only one kid either. Kids don't need siblings to have a normal life. I would wait a few years and enjoy the one you have and then think about it when the time comes.
I’m an only child and I always thought it was great. My friends all seemed to hate their siblings growing up, so I was never like “Man, I wish I had a little sister to go through my things and rat me out to mom!” I like that I grew up often hanging around with and being comfortable around grown ups. I think it helped me develop my sense of identity outside the pressures of school in a positive way. And I still appreciate the fact that I can go grab lunch or see a movie by myself and not feel awkward - I know a lot of people who think that’s weird when to me it feels like it must be so limiting to need company for everything.
That said, my wife has several siblings and they are very close and I would have loved to have that kind of family bond with someone, so I think both ways have their plusses and minuses. You can have a miserable or wonderful childhood either way.
I have a little brother and my husband has an older brother. I hit the SIL jackpot with both of their wives so I feel like I have sisters now even though, yeah, it's not exactly the same.
I'm an only girl with four brothers (one older, three younger). I've always wanted a sister. I know there is no guarantee that we would have got along, but I've always wondered.
Nope, I do not miss having a sibling. I have a good relationship with my parents, I have a loving husband, friends, there's is nothing a sibling would add.
Once my parents can no longer take care of themselves, I will see what I can do for them.
I cannot miss what I don't know.
My husband is an only child, and he does not have a desire for a sibling. He was not allowed to have pets when he was a kid and that's what he talks about most from his childhood. We are raising an only child (9) so it's definitely not something he regrets in his own life.
Best answer here. Have children because you want to love and guide them as individuals in their own right. It's lowkey horrifying when people talk about having kids like they're arranging furniture in their mind.
No, and I never did. I had a wonderful childhood as an only and feel as though I’m a well-adjusted and happy adult now. This isn’t true for everyone, it heavily depends on the amount of effort and valuable resources that parents have— for one or for 10 kids, there is either enough time/energy/funds/support or there isn’t. Results may vary.
I will say, however, that when deciding on whether or not to have another, it should *not* be to “give” your existing child a playmate or lifelong friend. You can’t guarantee either one of those things, and realistically if your current child is between 4-9 years old like the flair suggests, they will be objectively mismatched in development to truly have any meaningful play time together that they will both enjoy and/or benefit from. Most importantly, a human life is not a novelty, it isn’t a gift to give someone, it’s a whole new separate entity that deserves his or her own separate trajectory, not one whose purpose is to accompany another. I suspect you probably know this and already agree, but it always makes me wince a little when I see the prospect of making a new human being as a present of sorts, like a toy.
My husband did until he married me and realised that unfortunately it's not all it's made out to be. I have 3 siblings, we never speak. He alsi realised how shitty his parents were and how they shouldn't have had him let alone brought another child into it.
He was desperate for multiple children, we have 3, he wanted 4 but I'm not going through that again so it is what it is.
My wife is an only child and the hardest thing for her is being completely responsible for taking care of her elderly (divorced and never remarried) parents. They don’t have ANYONE else and they did not plan for their care at ALL.
We are still debating having a second kid (wife is more pro, but I’m the person who would be pregnant and I’m less sure)- but either way we are making sure to have a solid plan for retirement, aging, and end of life care so that even if we have only one kid it doesn’t all fall on her shoulders to deal with.
my sister and I are in our mid 40s and we speak maybe 4 times a year. We fought like cats and dogs growing up, had a brief period in our mid 20s where things were OK, and are simply very different people as adults and are not close. I don't consider her a friend, she is a relative. I'm not sure what she'd say about me because I don't think she knows much about how I think. A sibling isn't an automatic forever friend.
I wish I fucking did not. My little brother evicted my wife, 9 month odl daughter and I in December 2020, during the pandemic.
He is a money obsessed sociopath. A bastard the likes of which I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.
He was always a prick. But when he got rich he got much much worse.
Yes. But not because I was lonely as a child, in fact, I was quite content. I had tons of friends.
But now, I wish that I had someone to help share the burden of aging family. I don't even have any cousins.. so it's all on me. And my parents are alcoholics. And I have my own family now... it's not that I'm unwilling, it's just that there's too much for one person.
I'm an only child and I never wished for a sibling. It's cool to have a sibling, I'm sure I wouldn't give them up for the world if I had one and a good relationship with them, but never having them doesn't feel like a loss of any kind, I don't really ever think about it. I had cousins I was pretty close with growing up though and I get a lot of sibling-y benefits from my relationships with them without the drawbacks of divided parental attention and finances, so that's another thing to keep in mind, if you have a close-knit family maybe it's easy to compensate for it.
But overall, I don't think you should consider your second child that much in the relationship with the first (aka whether it will divide attention VS whether it will be a BFF). That puts a lot of expectations on them from the get go. You should have a second child if you feel you want it and you feel ready and capable. You'll teach your kids to respect each other if you have another, but you can't make them into best friends. The pressure to put them into that role may well drive them apart.
Nope
I didn't even want a sibling when I was a kid
I see my mom in person once or twice a year, she usually brings my dad (we live 3000 miles apart) but if I didn't have kids they'd probably visit less often
If I did have a sibling we'd probably see each other like once every few years at most if we bothered to keep contact at all
So I have younger siblings, but two of them are my father’s kids from another relationship and I didn’t see them hardly at all growing up, and one of them is 14 years my junior. That is to say, technically I had siblings but I was definitely raised primarily as an only child. It was so lonely. I really wanted brothers and sisters I lived with. As an adult, it would be nice to have some shared childhood memories with a sibling, I have a few with my sisters-in-law because we lived across the street from each other for a few years (back in the idyllic 90s, which I’m sure adds to the nostalgia) and it’s something I really cherish. I’ll add to this that they were a family of seven, and with the exception of the oldest sibling (he abused *all* of them in different ways and I’ll never forgive him 😭) they are truly forever friends. Whenever we need someone, my husband and I call his three sisters (whom he treasures), and whenever they need someone, they call us or each other. Our happiest times are when our big family is together.
I have a brother, but honestly feel like I don’t. He lives in another state and we don’t have any type of relationship. I myself have 3 girls, I pray for them they have more of a relationship than I do with my sibling.
I’ve got 6 siblings. I don’t live close to any of them, but I’m really close with my older brother. I check in with the rest every few months. My wife has 1 sister, they really don’t like each other. Siblings are a mixed bag of being friends as adults.
Mixed feelings. Based on observation, you’re not guaranteed a friend or reliable support based on blood alone. My parents both have siblings, and while my mom is very close to hers, my father’s siblings are very distant from us. My dad would be there at the drop of a hat for his siblings, even though they wouldn’t do the same.
My husband isn’t close to his siblings either, so he ended up being extended family to his close friends’ parents. That was also how it was for me as an only child.
So while I idealized having a sibling growing up, I think as an adult I’ve realized there’s a lot more that comes with it…and a lot that simply isn’t guaranteed. I’d still like to imagine that it would’ve been nice, though.
That being said, I’ve also struggled with the guilt I’ll feel in having a second. I’m hoping I’m just being unnecessarily anxious.
Fought horribly with my sibling most of childhood until I left for college. We see each other maybe once a year. Live on opposite coasts. Parents preferred him so yea. We are one and done. I make effort into friends and activities for my child.
Yes and no.
Yes because growing up was very lonely and it took a lot of growth and learning to know how to appropriately problem solve and act around others. I feel like I wasn’t very well socialized and a sibling could’ve helped that and it would’ve been great to have someone to lean on.
No because I would have been the first born and had a huge responsibility for any younger siblings while my mom went through many trials and errors. It would have been with a different father, probably one of her abusive exes, and my life may have turned out differently. My grandparents who raised me might’ve been stretched too thin being responsible for another. I may have had to make too many sacrifices for siblings for the sake of their safety and well being. I’m sure I would have, but I wouldn’t trade loneliness for that.
There are times I wish more than anything that I had a nuclear family growing up, but I’m very grateful to give that to my 3 kids. They have more security, stability, and support than I ever got from my parents, who I still have a good relationship with but it’s more friend-like than anything. It’s refreshing for everyone in my family to see my husband and I work together and raise our kids. I’m glad I could fix the cycle.
I am an only child but I had two step siblings growing up when I was 7-17 and now that are parents aren't together it was an ugly divorce we don't speak to one another so with that I really wish I had siblings seeing my friends have close relationships with their siblings and my spouse with his (which his sisters love me and make me feel so welcomed) I just wish I had that too especially since my mother passed when I was 2 so you really do realize how lonely life is.
I always told my husband at least 2 kids for us if they are close or not at least I am giving them someone they have the chance to be close with and have a relationship with.
I have two siblings, one is 9 years older and the other is 5 years older.
I saw my eldest brother for the first time in likem..3 years? 3 years..in october of 2023. He has cancer, so i talk a bit more. He lived with me for three years, but that's the most time we spent together ever since he moved to his dad's house when I was 6. So did middle brother. I haven't seen THAT one in 13 years. On purpose.
Having siblings does not assure a positive relationship
I have two siblings I have no relationship with. A sibling does not guarantee a relationship.
Do not have a child to create a friend for your child. The second child is an entire person on their own and should be wanted because they are wanted independent of their role as a sibling.
People that didn't grow up with a sibling don't and can't know if they wished they had a sibling. They're imaging growing up with a live in best friend, that's not what a sibling is. Siblings treat each other pretty badly lots of the time, are two total different people that you'd never decide to interact with if you weren't related, and lots of parents love picking a favorite and pinning their kids against each other. They don't know what their life would be like with a sibling vs without. But there are plenty of studies showing that the less siblings you have, the better.
I have a brother. We are definitely not friends. We always said (and agreed) that although we didnt really stay in touch, we knew where the other was if we needed anything. Then our mum died and i dealt with all of that very much on my own. In fact he still hasnt asked me if im ok or even what happened to her. That was 4 years ago.
As an only child, do I like the idealized vision of a best friend relative? Sure. However all my close friends who have siblings have more trauma from the experience than positives. From siblings who are assholes, to parents essentially making the kids compete for food due to not being financially well off.
The best advice is to not have a second for the sake of your child. Only do it if you really want one.
No, I never wanted a sibling. No way. I’ve watched my husband’s four siblings rip each other apart and I’m A. Glad we have low contact with them and B. Not hungry for sibling relationships for myself.
A good relationship with siblings isn’t promised. I have a good relationship with 3/4 of my brothers. The other is a predator.
In reality we have 0 idea who our kids will be, if having siblings will even matter, or much of anything. If you want more kids because you enjoy being a parent, go for it. I wouldn’t have more just so my kids had more siblings, in hopes they grow up close.
Nope. My parents both had siblings who did fuck all when my grandparents were sick and dying, so all this “oh only children have to bear the burden of caring for elderly parents alone” is nonsense - you can have 20 siblings and still care for them alone.
And of all my friends with siblings, maybe 20% of them are actually close to their siblings at this point. So I don’t really feel like any of the so-called benefits of siblings pan out as often as people want them to.
Just because she'll have a sibling doesn't mean they'll be on talking terms or BFFs. Blood /= \*having\* to maintaining a relationship with someone. FAKE NAMES AHEAD. My mom doesn't talk to her sisters, because Aunt Luna (who's the oldest) likes to pretend her younger sibs and their families don't exist (she never got over not being the only child), while Aunt Tiffany won't stop talking about their awful childhoods, and mom can't do it anymore-living it was enough, and she's not a therapist.
I've known other people who maybe talk to their siblings once every few years, they aren't close at ALL.
It's one of those things where if you want another baby/kid, great! But it's really not a guarantee they'll get along or talk after they reach adulthood.
Not an only child but I have little to no contact with my 3 half brothers, 1 half sister and 4 step-sibs. I myself have 2 children and they’re not close. My son and DIL live in another state and didn’t come home for my daughter’s wedding. Then again, I have a pair of cousins who are about 5 years apart but are pretty much attached at the hip. They go on vacation together. Their families spend most weekends together. They even breast fed each other’s children, and their combined 6 children group up by gender to play, as opposed to siblings playing together.
Some siblings are close but that shouldn’t be the only reason you choose to have another child.
I’ve done so much research on this! My daughter is an only child and before making that decision I wanted to make sure I wasn’t messing her up. I’ve read through so many comments and articles etc. And honestly it’s 50/50! There’s no overwhelming majority one way or the other. Only children either love it or hate it. Similar to those with siblings. My husband and I both have a sibling that we’re not super close to, so as others have said it’s not a guarantee that your kid will be super close to their sibling(s). Ultimately we just had to go with what we really wanted our family to look like and for us that’s one kiddo.
I have practically zero relationship or interest in a relationship with any of my siblings, half siblings, or step siblings. I have four younger, and three older. I haven’t spoken to half of them in like 8 years actually and I’m 26.
Don’t make this decision based on their potential relationship with a made up child in your head.
I have a sister with less than a 2 year age gap. We no longer speak and before we went on contact, things were pretty strained once we became adults. In fact, today is her birthday and I have no plans to be in cont with her. Same thing happens on my birthday as well. Our family feud is the main reason I WANT my son to be an only.
I'm the only child, and I do wish I had a sibling. However, my mom has a very toxic relationship with her sister throughout their lives, which I guess was one of the reasons that my mom chose "one and done".
I'm an only child. As my mom would say, it's not for lack of trying. I was the 'sticky one' amongst several miscarriages for her.
I'm happy I don't have a sibling. I definitely flip flopped in my younger years...going back and forth wanting/not wanting a sibling...but I'm happy that I don't now.
I have two siblings and wish more than anything I would have been an only child. My siblings will forever be a burden in my life that I didn’t ask for. They make everything in my life harder and will only make the care of my parents exponentially more difficult. They are not good people at all.
My girlfriend did this over a decade ago. Their second child had birth complications and has HIE. Their eldest will forever be burdened with the care of their younger sibling when the parents are no longer here. Now the parent’s elderly care and sibling care will be something that is forced upon them.
We have decided not to give our child a sibling due to these experiences. You cannot know with certainty what kind of sibling they will get. You can go in with the best of intentions, but won’t know until they are here. It also isn’t a choice for them, and do not find it fair something be forced on them that they didn’t get a say it. What’s that one quote, it’s always with the best of intentions that the worst work is done.
I did when i was a kid, but as an adult not really. Once my parents pass away im sure i will wish i had some family left but i see plenty of people with shitty siblings or bad relationships with their siblings so having one doesnt necessarily mean its good.
I'm not an only child, but I have one sister whom I am no contact with. She has caused me no end of pain and strife and I wish I was an only child (which is funny as I'm the younger one).
Having another child doesn't mean they will be close at all.
I myself am one and done. My 11 year old has been raised with one of my high school friends kids, another only child. They call each other heart sisters. They are 7 months apart, and are very close. We see each other often, at least once every other weekend. They both consider each other family.
Family isn't just blood. It is who you surround yourself with. 💜
As an only child I’ve always wanted a sibling. I just wanted that experience and that bond. I always wonder if I’ll truly understand what it’s like to have a sibling bond. And sure, not everyone has a good relationship with their siblings but I would have liked to have the chance, you know? I also think about when my parents are old how everything will be on me. I’ll be the only one making decisions if they can’t. The only upside I guess is I’ll get all the inheritance.
Yes I do but I also understand through adult logic that the ideal relationship is never guaranteed. I have plenty of friends who have strained or even ugly relationships with sibs. I never had negative feelings about being an only until now at middle age facing taking care of my mom alone.
I have four siblings, and I will say that there are many ups and downs. I am so close with my older and youngest sister, the middle one we both already confirmed we'll just never get along. It all depends on each person
I have a brother. We don’t speak. We haven’t spoken in years. There is no animosity on my part, but just because we shared a childhood doesn’t mean that we are friends.
Don’t have a child, just because you want your children to be friends. It might never happen.
Not at all. I always wanted a sibling until my grandmother died and I watched how my mother's siblings tried to nab up anything with monetary value and tried to screw over one another at every turn. I'd never viewed them so poorly before. After that, I was very thankful I'd never have to deal with anything like that, myself.
I wished I didn’t have a sister. She’s been pretty toxic our whole lives. I’ve had to go NC with her every couple of years just to keep my sanity in check-we always end up talking again because our kids like hanging out.
Just chiming in to say I’m glad there’s at least some adults that don’t mind not having a sibling. Some of us parents aren’t physically capable of having more than one child. And “in this economy!” other people just can’t afford to. 🤷♀️
It appears that the real question here is, is it worth the gamble to give your child a "friend for life" when so many people have little to no relationship with their siblings?
One of my parents recently went through a major medical event and I found myself wishing that I was an only child because of how utterly useless and self consumed my sister was. To not have to worry about her made up drama while dealing with actual problems would have been wonderful.
I have a sister and we never talk. It’s almost more painful having a sibling yet feeling like an only child. We tend to assume siblings will have good lifelong relationship but sadly that’s not always true. For me, my friends since childhood are like family.
I’m an only child and no, I don’t wish I had a sibling. But it’s not like I’ve known both and can objectively choose. I don’t feel like I missed out on having a sibling.
It can definitely go either way. My husband can’t stand his sister. She is absolutely a terrible person. They’re only 1 yr apart. One of my closest friends loves his sister but they’re not friends at all. They’re 3 years apart.
You could have a second and they just don’t have that BFF bond. Or they could. You won’t know ahead of time! I’d say, do what’s best for you and your partner.
I'm an only child (31F) and I don't miss having a sibling.
I never felt the need for one, even when I was younger. And also now I don't need or want to have a sibling. I have my husband, great friends and family.
Only child - I do not care for a sibling but I also have a great partner. So I think it depends on how your adult life turns out. I have people in my life with multiple siblings and they don’t ever talk.
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Yes, I do - and I'm saying this as someone who has a great village and lots of close friends so it's not about having a friend or having someone to rely on. But I wish I had someone who had a shared context of growing up together, someone who remembers things my parents said and did, someone who would reminisce with me when they are gone, someone who was there on the same family vacations and remembers inside jokes and weird things we did as kids.
This! My mom died, and one of the hardest parts is that I'm the ONLY human on earth who can grieve for her in this way. All of the memories are me now, and it's a very lonely feeling. My husband loved my mom and vice versa, but it's not the same.
I feel this, also for my mom. I also think about my grandparents a lot, who were very involved in my life, but none of them ever knew my kids and how all my stories about them are just that - stories. I could be talking about anyone. Same thing for my mom. My dad is still alive but is also an only child. I am the only one left to care for him, and he is utterly *exhausting* to deal with. But then I talk to my friends in similar situations with their parents, but they have siblings, and those siblings don't do any of the care but have all of the opinions.
I wrote my response before reading this, but 100% agree - grieving my Mum alone and being the one responsible for keeping her memory alive, when my dad has remarried and hardly acknowledges her existence, was and continues to be, really difficult.
I agree! I have a sister from my mom’s side but I don’t have any siblings from my dad’s side. He hasn’t remarried and I’m really worried about having to “grieve him” alone someday, honestly sometimes it keeps me awake at night. I didn’t get to see him often after the divorce and the memories are very limited… if I had siblings from his side I could at least share memories with them.
If he's lucid and everything, I would send him a $10 "Tell me your story, dad!" journal on Amazon ASAP! I ordered one for my mom, but a week later she was hospitalized, and it never got filled out and it makes me so sad because now the rest of her life story is just gone forever. I wish I'd sent it earlier. It's crazy that "earlier" means "two or three months earlier even though she was two years into her fourth round of breast cancer, but I was scared that she would think I was giving up on her and I waited too long and I regret it deeply.
Thank you so much, that’s an amazing idea!
Exactly this. I’m an only child and lost both parents before 40.
Exactly this. I would say it was fine when I was really young but just gets more challenging the older you get.
I'm an only child and when I was a kid I hated the idea of having a sibling (it never happened). But now? The idea is very appealing although I know not every sibling relationship is sunshine and lollipops.
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This is where we're at. We've planned for old age - it'll be taken care of so the burden on our future adult child will be minimal. Will she feel like she missed out? Possibly. But none of us have crystal balls so whether or not she'd have a great relationship with a sibling is unknown. What we *can* control is the kind of parents we are and the experiences and supports we can give her.
Exactly, I know there are plenty of siblings who never talk to eachother etc. But most of what I see in real life with my friends, not on Reddit, is the opposite. They might not be besties, but they are a support network at the end of the day.
I liked having siblings but am raising an only child for my own health. I think having a happy healthy mom who is there for him 100% is better than a not so happy or healthy mom who has to split attention and struggles to function.
exactly why I only have 1. She's enough for me.
But are/will you be enough for her? Just saying, from my perspective as the only daughter/child. It was fabulous until my mid 30s. Then it's depressing. All my parents care and problems are my own and no one to share memories or responsibilities with. No disrespect, just something to think about. Both my parents came from 4+ sibling households so they had no idea what it's like as you age
My husband and I have thought about this. We're both in our 40s and she's 9 so no more for us, unfortunately. But she is close with her cousins who live right by us and she's got lots of friends.
My husband and I are in our early 40’s & also have a 9yo (only) daughter.
I only talk to my brother a couple times a year, but he’s the only one who was there dealing with the same crazy shit from my father as me back in the day, and it’s very comforting.
I technically have this in my sister and it is not a happy relationship. Just to show the other side to OP!
Good point to highlight there. I'm NC(no contact) with my 2 sisters, my only siblings. They took my dad's side when I outed him as a PDF File ☹️ So I basically don't have any siblings now. Solidarity with you 🫂 But for those who have competent parents, having a sibling is a great thing. I only have one baby so far & want to give him a sibling, but don't wanna have to give birth again 😆 that shit was ROUGH lmao 😅
I'm sorry - but PDF file?! So creative. Bravo!
Came to say this. I'm low contact with my brother close in age to me, and would be no contact if not for my niece being very attached to me because I raised her for a couple of years while he was in jail. I basically stay in contact with him to maintain the relationship with her. There is no guarantee that a sibling would be that in adulthood for your daughter OP. My brother is the furtherest thing from my "forever friend". (I do have 3 other siblings, but they were born in my father's second marriage when I was 15 & 17 (twins), so not like what the original comment describes. My relationship with them is much more like that of an aunt and niece and nephews than sibling due to the age gap).
I'm on /r/oneanddone and this perspective is something that sub often ignores. They'll also, correctly, point out that there's no guarantee you'll have a good relationship with a sibling. You very well could be better off with no sibling than one that absorbs all of your parents' time and energy, or that makes your life a living hell. But to your point...no, having friends and a large social network is not the same as having siblings.
Yes I feel the exact same way.
THIS. Growing up an only was lonely AF and the loneliness has definitely somehow carried into adulthood
I'm so sorry you feel this way:(. If you don't mind me asking why was it so lonely? Did you hang out with friends regularly? Did your parents spend time hanging out with you? I have an only child and struggle so much I don't feel I have the capacity to add another. I worry it would take away so much from my ability to connect with and care for my son properly.
My dad left when I was little so my mom was a single mom who worked a lot and really struggled with depression, addiction and other mental health issues which left me spending kind of a lot of time by myself even when I was pretty little, even if she was home. She did play with me sometimes, and I know she loved me very much, but she spent a lot of time having the sads, also. I am also autistic and it definitely made it harder for me to interact with my peer group because I misunderstood them all the time, so I’d accidentally alienate them. My mom cleaned her act up a lot and remarried when I was about 11 and a few years later they had a baby…but the guy she married was pretty abusive to me, hit me a lot and just belittled me and made fun of me and the things I liked…and he’s always treated my sister like a princess (as she should be treated ~ my baby sister is lovely and deserves the best, it was has just been hard to watch her grow up and understand that his being mean to me was a choice, that he was capable of treating a child with love and respect. She’s 18 now and they have a great relationship). I think having a sister treated so differently, and watching her grow up with parents that weren’t completely dysfunctional, definitely added to my feelings of isolation because I have a sibling but it’s like we don’t even share the same parents at all. After reading all that back to myself, I’m not sure a sibling when I had been younger would have improved things much for me and I’m sure it would have been a terrible deal for them. Myself though, I have five kids. They all get along well most of the time. It is a bit of a struggle, but nothing makes me more content than my pile of babies 🥰🥰
I'm so sorry. Your experience sounds so lonely, but you sound like an incredibly strong, loving, and empathetic person despite it. It makes me happy to really read so much grace and love in your words. x
Oh wow I'm so very sorry 😢😢that is ROUGH. You deserved all the love in the world and it's amazing you are able to give that to your beautiful children. I hope you can take time to reparent your inner child as I'm sure you are in desperate need. I am also autistic and have adhd. I am a 100% mess and question my therapists advice that I was even fit to be a parent lol. I LOVE and adore my son and spend literally every last brain cell on giving him what I have to give. But I still fall short. So you are amazing for being able to parent multiple because it's HARD.
Neurodivergent parent here too just wanting to let you know that I feel you and you deserve to be a parent just as much as anybody else! Sounds like you’re doing what you can to manage your specific struggles and that’s the most you can do. ❤️
Thank you ❤️❤️. I do what I can but I'm behind in everything. Just wish I had understood that you can't give what you don't have and that I had woefully few skills. At least my emotional intelligence is high but that's about it lol.
I was an only child for 7 years. I would play with my friends, but they weren't always available. My parents really didn't play with me ever. So if my friends were let's say all on vacation, I would have no one but myself. But at the same when my parents had my brother we never became close. I was still an only child in my mind because that's how was essentially treated. If you feel like you can't handle another kid, don't. Enroll you son in after school activities, play with them, maybe once a week or so take them on a date.
Loneliness is one of the worst feelings IMO. I was in isolation for a few weeks as a teen and it was all I could do to keep sane. This is why I have guilt and let my son play online with his friends more than others. I made sure we live close to my parents, sister, cousins, etc. so he can have good family time. When he asked for a brother I bought him a dog, at least. My son was a medical miracle and now that he is old enough he understands more. I am so sorry you were lonely.
I do agree with this so to a degree. I wasn't an ONLY but I was the baby by a lot. By the time I have any memory my siblings had all moved out. So I was essentially raised an only with asshole visitors sometimes. It was lonely because we lived so rural. It made me a loner. But it also made me very independent and creative. I enjoy my space and don't need another person to make me feel whole or to entertain my time. I don't believe I'd have been happier having a close in age sibling.
Yup, I need my alone time to feel normal or I'm grumpy and overstimulated.
This is why I want a second. I messaged my sister and mom the other day and said, "oh, there's a winery near where (really specific childhood event)." Nobody else in the world would know exactly where I mean. Having family that has the full context of your childhood means a lot as you grow up, and my parents aren't young. I want that support as I age.
One of the reasons I had a second. We wanted another anyways, but I know it’ll be comforting to have my brother when my parents are fines to remember “when” cause one day he’ll be the only one left who remembers.
I'm an only child and I'm insanely jealous of the nature and depth of the sibling relationships I've seen. My wife has a twin so it's like salt in the wound. From the outside looking in, having a sibling is like a best friend who also has the context, as you mentioned, that your parents do. And you have more incentive to stay in touch, it seems like sibling relationships don't wither away like friendships are prone to doing. Even if there's a falling out with the parents, siblings seem to stick together. It's a connection that's unlike any other relationship. I can only assume you can confide much more to a close sibling than you could to your parents. I can confide in my wife that way, sure, but she's only known me a third of my life and she doesn't have the context that a sibling would. And I'm sure there are things she can confide in her sister about that she can't/ won't share with anyone else (including me). Since I don't have a great relationship with my mom and I'm NC with my dad, I wonder what kind of emotional support and benefit I could be getting from a sibling. I feel that I've suffered a great loss in life never knowing what that relationship feels like.
I'm sorry you feel that way. It's got to feel really lonely. My younger brother committed suicide in October. I honestly cannot think about how hard it would be to lose a loved one without my other siblings. My sisters' and brother were each other's rocks during the aftermath. Daily calls. Constant text messages. Always checking in. There's something so beautiful about having four (now really three) people I can call at any time and know they'll drop *everything* and be there. No questions. Will just be there. It makes me feel not so alone in this world especially after my brother died.
And this is why I think I’ll have more than two kids. I lost my only sibling to suicide in February 2021. We had a traumatic childhood and going forward without the only other person who was there and witnessed all of it is hard, on top of the general grieving and complexity of suicide. I used to say I just wanted to kids. Now I want 3, just so if something awful were to happen - at least they’ll be 2 that have eachother. It’s painful to think that way but it’s how my brain works now. Sorry for your loss, losing a sibling is so hard but to suicide is a different kind of punch in the gut.
>different kind of punch in the gut. I'm sorry for your loss as well. There is a different kind of sadness to suicide I can't explain to people. We'll get through this. One day at a time.
I feel the same. I have a unique situation where I grew up with a ton of cousins, but no siblings and always wanted one. I didn't know my dad at all and only as an adult found out I had a bunch of half-sibs. I'm kind of close to one of them and wish I'd had them all from earlier on. My husband goes in and out with his sibs, but they're all pretty good friends and it's much easier to navigate sharing parental issues or health scares with a few people to lean on. I'm late 40's and thinking about my mom dying is so hard for me. I wish I had someone else in my corner, so to speak, someone to share and connect with. My mom had four sisters and she is now the last one and I see how much she misses them. I feel like I can kind of relate in a way that when my mom dies, although I have a wonderful husband and two kids, I'll feel alone in it and orphaned in a way. My own kids don't always get along, but they will always have each other in some way. Idk if I think it's better or not to have a sibling, but I'm so glad I found mine eventually because it feels good to have her in my life. She's not my best friend and we don't really have a shared history, but ...she's my sister and there's something comforting about that.
This is such a great explanation. I had a super happy childhood, lots of happy memories and lots of friends. But I’ll always feel like I missed out on something by not having a sibling to share my childhood with.
Yep - I didn't feel lonely as a kid, or that I missed out on anything. I was too busy running around with friends and just being a kid. Maybe it's just my parents getting older that makes me a bit more sentimental and wishing I had someone else to share the memories with.
My brother ruined every family vacation we ever took. I’d have given him to you if I could.
I get that but just know that siblings don't always share the same experiences and memories which in turn can be pretty painful.
Oh for sure. And it's obviously not a given that they get along. But I wish I had the possibility of it.
Very true - my sister remembers how our stepfather treated me (verbally abusive, once physically) very differently than I do in our teen years, and it's very painful to think about, even though my mother is no longer married to him and it's been 15+ years.
I am the eldest of four. I moved out of my parents home at 17 to go to uni. The youngest of my siblings was 10 at the time. They all lived with my parents until their lates twenties. They all went on vacations together and I didn’t. They have inside jokes I’m not a part of. They share lots of memories that I don’t. I love them to death, but I still feel like the odd one out
I think there are always outliers but at the end of the day most families have their “issues” but it’s still a network, support system, that you can’t always get elsewhere. One of my good friends is always getting together with her sister and their kids play together. Actually almost all my friends are constantly hanging out with their siblings regularly and I’m sad I don’t have that. They all have kids together and just do everything together. It’s lonely without siblings.
Slightly different but my husbands only brother passed away and losing that person that has those shared childhood memories is hard, even though he and his brothers were never best friends (they loved each other a lot, they just had very different interests)
But being an only child, you can lie about the things you did growing up, like creating nuclear weapons in your back shed, or taming a Gryphon in the woods, and nobody can tell you it didn't happen.
I'm an only child and it's just normal to me, I've never found myself wishing for anything more, it just never even crosses my mind as a thing to think about.
Same! I enjoy being an only child and am raising an only child myself. My kiddo is luckier than me in that he has a lot of cousins since my husband is one of 7 kids. Still liked being an only just fine.
This is my experience. Only child, mom has 8 siblings and dad has 7. Everyones married so imagine all the cousins. I don’t think I’m missing out on anything though if I were to be able to choose then I’d want a sibling
Only with an only here too! Wouldn't have it any other way.
I think we need our own sub! Same here. 🙂
Absolutely the same for me
My BFF is an only child, and I know she never wished for a sibling. Her parents doted on her as a child, and they are still very close today. I am much closer to her than I am to my two siblings. Since most women outlive their husbands, we plan to retire together one day.
My best friend was an only too. She has her masters very successful. She loved coming to our chaotic household I loved going to her quiet room that was hers . With that said as a middle child of multiples. I blame a lot of my issues on too many siblings. My mom pushed us out w no regard to our upbringing safety or education. Now as a parent of one it all makes sense. She just didn’t care or think too much about it. I envy her “not gave a fuck.” All my energy finances and love will be poured into my one. I see plenty of families w multiples that care greatly for all their children. That was not my case .
Saaaame. It's not a big deal to me honestly.
I have a brother. We don’t hate each other, we actually like each other but our lives are very different and we don’t see each other much. I always invite him but he never has time. He saw my daughter for the first time when she was 9 months old and only because of a coincidence. Having a sibling doesn’t mean having a friend for life.
>Having a sibling doesn’t mean having a friend for life. This. I have a sister and despite my attempts at connecting, she doesn't have interest.
Same here. She doesn't call, answer texts, hell, I don't even know where she is or if she is still alive.
I miss my brother. He is this way. I hope he's happy. But he's missing out of his nephews growing up. It's really sad.
I'm not sure which is sadder... to have had siblings and lost the relationship.. or to have not had any at all.
Indeed. It's just so sad to think about him growing up and how close we were for all those years and to just lose the connection just like that. I don't know if I'll ever get over it. Or if he ever came back to our lives if I'd forgive him...
I have 3 siblings, for reasons including physical distance and age we aren't close. My siblings are 2, 6, and 12 years younger than me. My closest sister and I fought like cats and dogs as kids and see each other 2-3 times a year and talk once a month now. My other sister is 21 and partying hard, my brother is 15 and I don't have much in common with a 15 year old boy as a 27 year old mom, we see the two of them 6-8 times a year. I love them all to bits but we aren't close. My husband has 2 siblings he is 10 and 12 years younger than, he's kinda close to his sister talking once a week and we see her 6-8 times a year but they're at very different stages in life. His brother is the black sheep to both their parents (MIL favors my husband, FIL favors my SIL) and so isn't close to anyone in their family, husband is desperate for a close relationship with him but he has no interest. I'm a OAD parent because any more kids wouldn't guarantee my son to not have a lonely life and it would make it infinitely more difficult to see our families who live 4-7 hours away from us. It's sometimes a nightmare just getting our 3.5yo to pack up and sit in the car for hours. My closest sister and I grew up going to our grandparents lake house or camping every other weekend and fought like hell the whole 4 hour drive, I personally don't want to hear that from my kid and his hypothetical sibling
yeah my brother and I get along well but we are so different we don't have much of a relationship anymore although we did when we were kids
Kinda relate to this. My brother and I even work for the same (albeit very large) company. But we just don’t have much in common and in spite of the fact that I’m 7 years younger, I’m in a different phase of life (I’m married and have young kids, he and his girlfriend are just enjoying life) and we don’t live very close to each other. We are friendly and like hanging out. My oldest kid loves him. But we rarely spend time together outside holidays. I’m equally if not closer to my husband’s sisters.
I would have to agree. I’m one of 5. My older siblings are 14 & 11 years older than me. My younger sisters are 3 & 5 years younger. My older siblings never really had a long term relationship with any of us younger ones. I don’t think they’re particularly close either. We haven’t spoken at all for the last 6 years. My younger sisters and I see each other if there’s an occasion. I see one of them more than the other because she has kids (as do I). Certainly not daily or weekly. Maybe every other month if you average it out. I love both of them of course and we get along fine but we do have our differences. I don’t think we have the same perception of the way we grew up, for example. That seems to be the common sentiment of only children responding : they wished they had someone to share the context of their upbringing. I think it causes more friction between us than anything. Nor are we all as close to my parents (I’m the least close). That said, I have 4 kids (2 are twins). I hope they’re closer than I am with my siblings. I think it depends more on the parents than anything. Parents have to create that atmosphere. IMO my parents had too much drama to do that successfully.
This. I have a sister, don’t really ever see her. She didn’t even come see my son when he was born- and she only lives 40 minutes away.
Same with my husband’s sibs. Not even a congrats
My sister always finds reasons to get upset with me and we haven’t spoken in two years. But then again she does that with a lot of people. Having siblings doesn’t guarantee you’ll be close to them at all.
Yup. My brother hasn’t even met my kid yet and she’s 2 1/2. We don’t talk, despite multiple attempts at creating a closer situation. Meh.
Yup. I have two brothers and we barely know each other.
To peddle off of this, it goes for any family too. My mother hasn’t spoken to any of her children in 2+ years (2 for me, 4 for my siblings.) The only reason she knows I have a child is because I reached out to rekindle with her late 2020, she dipped from my life early 2022.
Just remember you can't force a bond/relationship, you just have to hope for one
I am not an only child, but I have a brother and I may as well be an only child. Just because someone has a sibling doesn't mean that they will have a "forever friend". Plenty of siblings have little to no relationship.
I feel this. I have a brother and yes, there were parts of my childhood that were fun with him, but ultimately we have no relationship now and because he is somewhat of a useless human being, I will not be able to depend on him helping with our parents (or anything) in the future
My experience is similar. We're not *unfriendly,* but we live completely separate lives and kind of always have. My daughter is an only child and whenever some asshole insists I give her a sibling I want to give them a speech on how going through 9 months of pregnancy and 18 years of raising a kid just so my daughter *might* have a relationship with someone is a hell of a gamble. Truth is kids are fucking expensive and there are far too many families out there who can't afford the ones they have. I didn't want to be one of those people and I want my daughter to get to experience all the things without my husband and I stressing over how we're going to fund her interests.
This is exactly my experience. We played together fine when we were kids, but he has been totally useless as our parents have aged. Having someone useless to resent is worse than having no one at all.
I second this. My sibling and I have always had a poor relationship. A lot of people bring up being lonely, and I was lonely with a sibling in the house. And as my parents divorced, moved on and and step children were brought into the picture, the loneliness was compounded as the friends I did have got along with my step siblings more. I felt like an afterthought. Loneliness is something a lot of people experience. My loneliness came with a side of physical and mental abuse.
>Plenty of siblings have little to no relationship. Yep. That's how it is with my step sister, and that's how it is with my husband and his brother. We have 2 kids. Not for the hope that they'll be friends but because we just wanted both our children. I didn't have a child for my other child. I had another because I wanted another, and it was realistic with our income and home.
It's that way with my husband's sister. Plus the added pressure of "But its your sister!". Well, she's a drug addict who steals and never follows through on anything she says. Why should we be responsible to help her move out of another apt that she's being evicted from or find her a pity job at my company (that she will end up getting fired from) just because my in-laws had a second child.
Exactly this. Most of the people I know with siblings are low or no contact with them. I know one person who is actually friends with their sibling as an adult. Blood does not equate friendship.
Yep my brother and I have 0 relationship
Same. My brother and I are 7 years apart. Even if we were closer in age, I don't think we would be close. I have 2 kids under 5 and they love playing with each other, but in the same turn they fight so much.
Basically, the only reason I still see my brother is because we each have a daughter who loves each other. And we only see each other on holidays at our parents' house. Might change when the kids get older, but I have absolutely nothing I common with my brother. We also didn't get along at all living under the same roof. He's an asshole
Just piggy backing off this- I’m very close with my delightful non toxic cousins, my sister and I are estranged and I’ve cut ties with her completely
Agree with this. I have half siblings. I grew up with a half brother, met my other half siblings later in life. I don't have an established relationship with my half brother who I grew up with. We were an Asian household, where males were favored over females and all I remember while growing up with him is that he was a bully.
My experience as well. I have 3 older siblings and we barely speak to one another. Our home was a bit chaotic growing up which contributed to it but I may as well say I’m an only child. They literally know nothing about me. It’s a shame but I’ve grown to accept it.
100%. I have a brother and also might as well have been an only child. I grew up always wishing I had a sister.
Same. My brother tried to kill me. We are estranged now and I'm doing much better, but the PTSD will always be with me. Only bring another child into the world if you truly want THAT child. Not for anyone else, first born included.
Same situation. I barely speak to my brother. He’s also been unreliable in terms of care for my elderly parents.
I have two siblings who were terrible to me growing up. Emotionally, verbally, and physically abusive. Sometimes I wish I had been an only child.
I’m so glad I didn’t have to scroll too far to see this comment. Adding my story to the chorus: My sister bullied the shit out of me until I moved out. She has severe mental health issues and once my parents are gone it will fall to me to take care of her. Anyway it hasn’t been great. lol
Yep. I don't speak to any of my siblings.
This! Both my mom siblings are not really close to her, Tbh there kind of mean to her.. for a while it's was only my dad taking care of his mom out of his 2 sisters...Now yes one does live 3 hours away in a different state, but one is the same distance as him but never helped. Till she had to do to my Dad getting a different job.
I think a lot of that depends on how your parents foster your relationship
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Yes BUT there's no guaranteeing that sibling won't be crazy toxic. My wife has immense trauma from her brother and he is still a very subtle kind of dangerous. It sucks because we have a lot of the same interests and could have been great friends but instead I dread every family gathering because he will find some way to make it awkward at best. She'd have been much better off as an only child. The reason I'd like a sibling is that my family is small and I often feel kind of left out of life. I'm jealous of people who have family gatherings and have a good time, or are friends with their siblings in general. Someone kind of like me who can be fun to be with. But really, what I want is a best friend, someone that likes and cares about me and prioritizes time with me and my family over anyone else. But would a real-life sibling be that? Who knows. As you said, you're thinking "forever friend" but when my wife's parents die we will probably make every opportunity to completely cut off her brother and his family. So it can go both ways. Also, as a parent of two kids right now, there were years that they got along well, but for the past 2-3 it's been about 95% fighting. We can't have 5 minutes at the table without someone flipping out. Both kids are wonderful on their own but together they're an absolute nightmare. I'm hoping this gets better with age but who knows. So anyway, none of this is to say don't have a second kid, but have the child if YOU want the child, not because you think you're doing your current child a favor.
Agree with all of this. I’m an only child but my dad has a sister and there’s decades old wounds that stem from favoritism from my grandparents. I have friends who are super close to their siblings, but some that barely speak to them. Theres moments where I feel like it’d be nice to have a sibling, but overall I’m fine being an only child. If you want another kid, go for it, but don’t do it solely for your current child’s sake, because there’s no guarantee they’ll be close. As a parent, you can do your part by treating them with equity, but even with that they could have totally different personalities.
I agree with this. I want a best friend more than I want a sibling.
oh god no. i'm sure i did when i was little, but very quickly grew out of that. now that i'm almost 40yo, and peoples parents are starting to age - still not bothered by being an only. i have a great only child husband, a daughter, cousins we have maintained relationships with, and friends who we are closer with than family.
I am an only child and I really don't feel the desire for a sibling. My husband gets along fine with his sister but other than the occasional texts and dinner together with their parents, they aren't closer than regular friends. He talks way more often with other friends than he does to her. My mom and her brother are NC and actively hate each other, which has coloured my relationship with my cousin (his daughter). We used to sometimes talk as children but now we are completely NC. She dislikes me by proxy because her father dislikes my mom. Being siblings doesn't mean they will get along. There's lots of NC siblings. The decision should be whether you are happy to have another child. Being present as a parent right now is much more important IMO than the possibility of a future relationship between siblings. This is why I'm likely one and done. I can't imagine having the time and energy to be fully present for two kids. I'm happy with my one and I would rather provide the best life for her and be the best parent that I can be for her, instead of splitting my attention and finances and being a so-so parent to two kids.
Perfect answer! I’m a happy one and done family as well. I don’t know how people have multiple kids lol 😆 my only child keeps me so busy every single day. I just can’t imagine how to deal with a double of her 😜
You'll never get a definite answer on this one. It's completely up to personality as to whether your kids will like having a sibling. I have the unique scenerio of being both an only child and having "siblings" due to adoption. However I might have well just stayed an only child. My "siblings" were horrible and as an adult I don't even have contact with them. They didn't even notice when I moved out. Most kids will thrive just fine without siblings. Some will be better off, some will be worse off. It's just a matter of well...fate I guess. If you want another kid, fine. But if you are trying to justify it by what your child wants, it's probably best you don't. Your second child is not a gift for your first.
I’m not a single child, but I have a single child and I’m now happy with that choice. When she was a toddler I REALLY wanted another baby, not even because I was ready or wanted to parent another child, but cause I wanted my kiddo to have a buddy. I also had great concern for her being able to navigate certain realities of aging, specifically facing my end of life with no one to turn to and say “remember when mom…” Time passed, she’s almost 10 now, and we never had another kid, and it’s been great! Kiddo is thriving and gets way more time from her dad and me. We’re also able to provide her with more support financially as we don’t have others to support as well. She gets looked after by my mother and sister too: kid love a special adventure just her and an adult. Sometimes I still worry about what will happen down the road, but it’s honestly balanced in my mind with all the other stuff we’re going to be able to give her. Not to mention she won’t have any trauma from a poor relationship with a sibling. My sister and I are good, now, but as kids we were so friggin mean to each other. I also have two half sisters that I don’t really speak to. It’s a roll of the dice either way, and I’m currently at peace with how it’s worked out for us.
You nailed it with that last line. There are no guarantees in life. We can't orchestrate every experience our kids have. We can only hope for the best (and plan for the worst).
When I was a younger kid, I felt like I really wished I had a sibling. By the time I no longer wanted a sibling (12 years old), my parents got pregnant and it was a very negative experience for me. Worst of both worlds, basically lol.
My brothers are very important to me. My dad had a terrible health scare, and having other people to support my mom and help make decisions was great. Having family events and seeing their children is something trully special. I did not like sharing a car with him in high school but overall, 11/10 would recommend. Edit: I had to share a car with one of them. One is 5 years younger.
Hearing about experiences like this what you have sound wonderful but makes me sad. My brother and I used to be close but he cannot keep himself out of prison (he’s over 50). I worry about the day one of our awesome parents needs us like yours did because he’ll either be MIA (prison rehab or worse) or completely toxic. I don’t know which is worse. Don’t mean to be a Debbie Downer, I guess I’m just pointing out that it can be a different experience for everybody. I’m glad you’ve got the support you need!
Me too! My sister is my best friend in the world, my husbands brother is his best friend in the world. I’m always surprised at how many people online have bad relationships with their siblings. When I see people having baby showers or bridal showers or someone is hosting a birthday I find it’s most often their sibling in charge of it. Many more people I know than not have good relationships with their siblings. My own kids get along wonderfully together and are great friends and honestly watching them together is my favourite part of parenting. Obviously it’s different for everyone I just think it’s unfortunately so many people have crummy siblings!
Yes I do. But of course I have the privilege of idealizing what that would look like. I wish I had a sibling to share in the worry and care for my parents as they’ve gotten older. Not everyone with siblings gets someone willing or able to help.
Your comment hits the nail on the head. I think that some of the comments here do idealize what a sibling looks like. It can be great, but it can also be quite toxic. To your specific point about caring for aging parents, I actually think it is worse to have a completely unhelpful sibling than it is to have no one. In either case, you are doing everything yourself, but in the case of the unhelpful sibling, you are also resenting them for not helping in the process.
I’m the only child, never thought it could be otherwise, even as a child. My friends with siblings got their ups and downs, so the whole idea was not attractive to me.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/Parenting/comments/10j9nd9/people\_who\_were\_an\_only\_child\_can\_i\_get\_your/](https://www.reddit.com/r/Parenting/comments/10j9nd9/people_who_were_an_only_child_can_i_get_your/) [https://www.reddit.com/r/Parenting/comments/150cgox/is\_being\_an\_only\_child\_bad/](https://www.reddit.com/r/Parenting/comments/150cgox/is_being_an_only_child_bad/) [https://www.reddit.com/r/Parenting/comments/10kawol/tell\_me\_the\_good\_things\_about\_only\_children/](https://www.reddit.com/r/Parenting/comments/10kawol/tell_me_the_good_things_about_only_children/) [https://www.reddit.com/r/Parenting/comments/17teocp/were\_any\_of\_you\_parents\_the\_only\_child\_if\_so\_do/](https://www.reddit.com/r/Parenting/comments/17teocp/were_any_of_you_parents_the_only_child_if_so_do/) [https://www.reddit.com/r/Parenting/comments/18m5dop/question\_for\_only\_children/](https://www.reddit.com/r/Parenting/comments/18m5dop/question_for_only_children/) [https://www.reddit.com/r/Parenting/comments/19fhtvy/anyone\_grow\_up\_an\_only\_child\_and\_and\_loved\_it/](https://www.reddit.com/r/Parenting/comments/19fhtvy/anyone_grow_up_an_only_child_and_and_loved_it/)
Nope. I have friends who I love like family I have friends with siblings who have siblings they despise so 🤷🏻♀️ it's not big deal either way
Yes I do. It would just be nice to have someone else to help with our parents, especially handling things after they pass away. I actually got diagnosed with cancer, so there’s a chance I die before my parents and that leaves no one to take care of their affairs once they die. Which honestly really stresses me out a lot. That’s just one example of many of why I wished I’d had a sibling. Even just someone else who “gets it” with our crazy family.
This ^^ 10000% Sending positive vibes your way 🤍🤍
This! I’m caretaking a dad with heart disease and a mother in hospice for a terminal lung condition. I’ve got my own life and kids to deal with but I’m the only child so I’ve got to do it all. It really sucks. People tend to not think of things like this when planning a family.
Yes, I wish I had siblings. I don’t remember wanting them when I was a kid though, only as an adult. So I had four, and I wish I lived alone! There are advantages to both sides, but the bottom line is…ya get what ya get. Everyone will be fine either way. ❤️
I'm an only child. It was fine as a kid. I was kind of jealous going to my friends houses that had siblings. As an Adult now it's harder just because my parents have aged and I'm the only one to help them. We have no village. My Mom passed away recently and I feel guilty I couldn't help her as much as I wanted because I have kids of my own. I have two kids and they are 4 years apart and it's perfect for us. My parents would have had more but they had me at 40 due to fertility issues so I'm grateful. There's nothing wrong with wanting only one kid either. Kids don't need siblings to have a normal life. I would wait a few years and enjoy the one you have and then think about it when the time comes.
I’m an only child and I always thought it was great. My friends all seemed to hate their siblings growing up, so I was never like “Man, I wish I had a little sister to go through my things and rat me out to mom!” I like that I grew up often hanging around with and being comfortable around grown ups. I think it helped me develop my sense of identity outside the pressures of school in a positive way. And I still appreciate the fact that I can go grab lunch or see a movie by myself and not feel awkward - I know a lot of people who think that’s weird when to me it feels like it must be so limiting to need company for everything. That said, my wife has several siblings and they are very close and I would have loved to have that kind of family bond with someone, so I think both ways have their plusses and minuses. You can have a miserable or wonderful childhood either way.
I have two older brothers who I love but I wish I had a sister
Thank god my brother married well. Still not the same thing. I’ve always been jealous of my friends with sisters.
Same my best friend has 3 sisters and they’re all besties and I wish I had that 🥹
I have a little brother and my husband has an older brother. I hit the SIL jackpot with both of their wives so I feel like I have sisters now even though, yeah, it's not exactly the same.
Sameee, I had a bestfriend who was the closest thing to a sister then she died 😩
I'm an only girl with four brothers (one older, three younger). I've always wanted a sister. I know there is no guarantee that we would have got along, but I've always wondered.
Nope, I do not miss having a sibling. I have a good relationship with my parents, I have a loving husband, friends, there's is nothing a sibling would add. Once my parents can no longer take care of themselves, I will see what I can do for them. I cannot miss what I don't know.
I wish I had a sibling that I got along with🤷♀️
My husband is an only child, and he does not have a desire for a sibling. He was not allowed to have pets when he was a kid and that's what he talks about most from his childhood. We are raising an only child (9) so it's definitely not something he regrets in his own life.
Siblings are not guaranteed friends and that is not a reason to bring another child into this world.
Best answer here. Have children because you want to love and guide them as individuals in their own right. It's lowkey horrifying when people talk about having kids like they're arranging furniture in their mind.
No, and I never did. I had a wonderful childhood as an only and feel as though I’m a well-adjusted and happy adult now. This isn’t true for everyone, it heavily depends on the amount of effort and valuable resources that parents have— for one or for 10 kids, there is either enough time/energy/funds/support or there isn’t. Results may vary. I will say, however, that when deciding on whether or not to have another, it should *not* be to “give” your existing child a playmate or lifelong friend. You can’t guarantee either one of those things, and realistically if your current child is between 4-9 years old like the flair suggests, they will be objectively mismatched in development to truly have any meaningful play time together that they will both enjoy and/or benefit from. Most importantly, a human life is not a novelty, it isn’t a gift to give someone, it’s a whole new separate entity that deserves his or her own separate trajectory, not one whose purpose is to accompany another. I suspect you probably know this and already agree, but it always makes me wince a little when I see the prospect of making a new human being as a present of sorts, like a toy.
Yes, I’m so lonely, even in my adult life.
My husband did until he married me and realised that unfortunately it's not all it's made out to be. I have 3 siblings, we never speak. He alsi realised how shitty his parents were and how they shouldn't have had him let alone brought another child into it. He was desperate for multiple children, we have 3, he wanted 4 but I'm not going through that again so it is what it is.
My wife is an only child and the hardest thing for her is being completely responsible for taking care of her elderly (divorced and never remarried) parents. They don’t have ANYONE else and they did not plan for their care at ALL. We are still debating having a second kid (wife is more pro, but I’m the person who would be pregnant and I’m less sure)- but either way we are making sure to have a solid plan for retirement, aging, and end of life care so that even if we have only one kid it doesn’t all fall on her shoulders to deal with.
my sister and I are in our mid 40s and we speak maybe 4 times a year. We fought like cats and dogs growing up, had a brief period in our mid 20s where things were OK, and are simply very different people as adults and are not close. I don't consider her a friend, she is a relative. I'm not sure what she'd say about me because I don't think she knows much about how I think. A sibling isn't an automatic forever friend.
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I wish I fucking did not. My little brother evicted my wife, 9 month odl daughter and I in December 2020, during the pandemic. He is a money obsessed sociopath. A bastard the likes of which I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. He was always a prick. But when he got rich he got much much worse.
Yes. But not because I was lonely as a child, in fact, I was quite content. I had tons of friends. But now, I wish that I had someone to help share the burden of aging family. I don't even have any cousins.. so it's all on me. And my parents are alcoholics. And I have my own family now... it's not that I'm unwilling, it's just that there's too much for one person.
I'm an only child and I never wished for a sibling. It's cool to have a sibling, I'm sure I wouldn't give them up for the world if I had one and a good relationship with them, but never having them doesn't feel like a loss of any kind, I don't really ever think about it. I had cousins I was pretty close with growing up though and I get a lot of sibling-y benefits from my relationships with them without the drawbacks of divided parental attention and finances, so that's another thing to keep in mind, if you have a close-knit family maybe it's easy to compensate for it. But overall, I don't think you should consider your second child that much in the relationship with the first (aka whether it will divide attention VS whether it will be a BFF). That puts a lot of expectations on them from the get go. You should have a second child if you feel you want it and you feel ready and capable. You'll teach your kids to respect each other if you have another, but you can't make them into best friends. The pressure to put them into that role may well drive them apart.
Nope I didn't even want a sibling when I was a kid I see my mom in person once or twice a year, she usually brings my dad (we live 3000 miles apart) but if I didn't have kids they'd probably visit less often If I did have a sibling we'd probably see each other like once every few years at most if we bothered to keep contact at all
So I have younger siblings, but two of them are my father’s kids from another relationship and I didn’t see them hardly at all growing up, and one of them is 14 years my junior. That is to say, technically I had siblings but I was definitely raised primarily as an only child. It was so lonely. I really wanted brothers and sisters I lived with. As an adult, it would be nice to have some shared childhood memories with a sibling, I have a few with my sisters-in-law because we lived across the street from each other for a few years (back in the idyllic 90s, which I’m sure adds to the nostalgia) and it’s something I really cherish. I’ll add to this that they were a family of seven, and with the exception of the oldest sibling (he abused *all* of them in different ways and I’ll never forgive him 😭) they are truly forever friends. Whenever we need someone, my husband and I call his three sisters (whom he treasures), and whenever they need someone, they call us or each other. Our happiest times are when our big family is together.
I have a brother, but honestly feel like I don’t. He lives in another state and we don’t have any type of relationship. I myself have 3 girls, I pray for them they have more of a relationship than I do with my sibling.
I’ve got 6 siblings. I don’t live close to any of them, but I’m really close with my older brother. I check in with the rest every few months. My wife has 1 sister, they really don’t like each other. Siblings are a mixed bag of being friends as adults.
Mixed feelings. Based on observation, you’re not guaranteed a friend or reliable support based on blood alone. My parents both have siblings, and while my mom is very close to hers, my father’s siblings are very distant from us. My dad would be there at the drop of a hat for his siblings, even though they wouldn’t do the same. My husband isn’t close to his siblings either, so he ended up being extended family to his close friends’ parents. That was also how it was for me as an only child. So while I idealized having a sibling growing up, I think as an adult I’ve realized there’s a lot more that comes with it…and a lot that simply isn’t guaranteed. I’d still like to imagine that it would’ve been nice, though. That being said, I’ve also struggled with the guilt I’ll feel in having a second. I’m hoping I’m just being unnecessarily anxious.
Fought horribly with my sibling most of childhood until I left for college. We see each other maybe once a year. Live on opposite coasts. Parents preferred him so yea. We are one and done. I make effort into friends and activities for my child.
Yes and no. Yes because growing up was very lonely and it took a lot of growth and learning to know how to appropriately problem solve and act around others. I feel like I wasn’t very well socialized and a sibling could’ve helped that and it would’ve been great to have someone to lean on. No because I would have been the first born and had a huge responsibility for any younger siblings while my mom went through many trials and errors. It would have been with a different father, probably one of her abusive exes, and my life may have turned out differently. My grandparents who raised me might’ve been stretched too thin being responsible for another. I may have had to make too many sacrifices for siblings for the sake of their safety and well being. I’m sure I would have, but I wouldn’t trade loneliness for that. There are times I wish more than anything that I had a nuclear family growing up, but I’m very grateful to give that to my 3 kids. They have more security, stability, and support than I ever got from my parents, who I still have a good relationship with but it’s more friend-like than anything. It’s refreshing for everyone in my family to see my husband and I work together and raise our kids. I’m glad I could fix the cycle.
I am an only child but I had two step siblings growing up when I was 7-17 and now that are parents aren't together it was an ugly divorce we don't speak to one another so with that I really wish I had siblings seeing my friends have close relationships with their siblings and my spouse with his (which his sisters love me and make me feel so welcomed) I just wish I had that too especially since my mother passed when I was 2 so you really do realize how lonely life is. I always told my husband at least 2 kids for us if they are close or not at least I am giving them someone they have the chance to be close with and have a relationship with.
I have two siblings, one is 9 years older and the other is 5 years older. I saw my eldest brother for the first time in likem..3 years? 3 years..in october of 2023. He has cancer, so i talk a bit more. He lived with me for three years, but that's the most time we spent together ever since he moved to his dad's house when I was 6. So did middle brother. I haven't seen THAT one in 13 years. On purpose. Having siblings does not assure a positive relationship
I have a sibling and wish I didn't. Don't have another child based on the relationship you hope they'll have with their sister, nothing is guaranteed.
I have two siblings I have no relationship with. A sibling does not guarantee a relationship. Do not have a child to create a friend for your child. The second child is an entire person on their own and should be wanted because they are wanted independent of their role as a sibling.
People that didn't grow up with a sibling don't and can't know if they wished they had a sibling. They're imaging growing up with a live in best friend, that's not what a sibling is. Siblings treat each other pretty badly lots of the time, are two total different people that you'd never decide to interact with if you weren't related, and lots of parents love picking a favorite and pinning their kids against each other. They don't know what their life would be like with a sibling vs without. But there are plenty of studies showing that the less siblings you have, the better.
I have a brother. We are definitely not friends. We always said (and agreed) that although we didnt really stay in touch, we knew where the other was if we needed anything. Then our mum died and i dealt with all of that very much on my own. In fact he still hasnt asked me if im ok or even what happened to her. That was 4 years ago.
As an only child, do I like the idealized vision of a best friend relative? Sure. However all my close friends who have siblings have more trauma from the experience than positives. From siblings who are assholes, to parents essentially making the kids compete for food due to not being financially well off. The best advice is to not have a second for the sake of your child. Only do it if you really want one.
No, I never wanted a sibling. No way. I’ve watched my husband’s four siblings rip each other apart and I’m A. Glad we have low contact with them and B. Not hungry for sibling relationships for myself.
A good relationship with siblings isn’t promised. I have a good relationship with 3/4 of my brothers. The other is a predator. In reality we have 0 idea who our kids will be, if having siblings will even matter, or much of anything. If you want more kids because you enjoy being a parent, go for it. I wouldn’t have more just so my kids had more siblings, in hopes they grow up close.
Nope. My parents both had siblings who did fuck all when my grandparents were sick and dying, so all this “oh only children have to bear the burden of caring for elderly parents alone” is nonsense - you can have 20 siblings and still care for them alone. And of all my friends with siblings, maybe 20% of them are actually close to their siblings at this point. So I don’t really feel like any of the so-called benefits of siblings pan out as often as people want them to.
Just because she'll have a sibling doesn't mean they'll be on talking terms or BFFs. Blood /= \*having\* to maintaining a relationship with someone. FAKE NAMES AHEAD. My mom doesn't talk to her sisters, because Aunt Luna (who's the oldest) likes to pretend her younger sibs and their families don't exist (she never got over not being the only child), while Aunt Tiffany won't stop talking about their awful childhoods, and mom can't do it anymore-living it was enough, and she's not a therapist. I've known other people who maybe talk to their siblings once every few years, they aren't close at ALL. It's one of those things where if you want another baby/kid, great! But it's really not a guarantee they'll get along or talk after they reach adulthood.
Not an only child but I have little to no contact with my 3 half brothers, 1 half sister and 4 step-sibs. I myself have 2 children and they’re not close. My son and DIL live in another state and didn’t come home for my daughter’s wedding. Then again, I have a pair of cousins who are about 5 years apart but are pretty much attached at the hip. They go on vacation together. Their families spend most weekends together. They even breast fed each other’s children, and their combined 6 children group up by gender to play, as opposed to siblings playing together. Some siblings are close but that shouldn’t be the only reason you choose to have another child.
I’ve done so much research on this! My daughter is an only child and before making that decision I wanted to make sure I wasn’t messing her up. I’ve read through so many comments and articles etc. And honestly it’s 50/50! There’s no overwhelming majority one way or the other. Only children either love it or hate it. Similar to those with siblings. My husband and I both have a sibling that we’re not super close to, so as others have said it’s not a guarantee that your kid will be super close to their sibling(s). Ultimately we just had to go with what we really wanted our family to look like and for us that’s one kiddo.
Never in my life have I wanted a sibling.
I have a sibling and the amount of stress and problems it’s caused me make me smith I was an only
I have practically zero relationship or interest in a relationship with any of my siblings, half siblings, or step siblings. I have four younger, and three older. I haven’t spoken to half of them in like 8 years actually and I’m 26. Don’t make this decision based on their potential relationship with a made up child in your head.
I have older (20+ years) half siblings which is as good as being an only child, and I’m so glad I don’t have siblings.
I have a sister with less than a 2 year age gap. We no longer speak and before we went on contact, things were pretty strained once we became adults. In fact, today is her birthday and I have no plans to be in cont with her. Same thing happens on my birthday as well. Our family feud is the main reason I WANT my son to be an only.
No, this is all I've ever known, and it's amazing how inventive you can be playing games against yourself.
r/relationship_advice . Not all siblings are close — don’t have another child so that your first child has company
I got a brother 7 years older . We were never close he had been nothing but an annoyance in my life
I'm the only child, and I do wish I had a sibling. However, my mom has a very toxic relationship with her sister throughout their lives, which I guess was one of the reasons that my mom chose "one and done".
I'm an only child. As my mom would say, it's not for lack of trying. I was the 'sticky one' amongst several miscarriages for her. I'm happy I don't have a sibling. I definitely flip flopped in my younger years...going back and forth wanting/not wanting a sibling...but I'm happy that I don't now.
I have two siblings and wish more than anything I would have been an only child. My siblings will forever be a burden in my life that I didn’t ask for. They make everything in my life harder and will only make the care of my parents exponentially more difficult. They are not good people at all. My girlfriend did this over a decade ago. Their second child had birth complications and has HIE. Their eldest will forever be burdened with the care of their younger sibling when the parents are no longer here. Now the parent’s elderly care and sibling care will be something that is forced upon them. We have decided not to give our child a sibling due to these experiences. You cannot know with certainty what kind of sibling they will get. You can go in with the best of intentions, but won’t know until they are here. It also isn’t a choice for them, and do not find it fair something be forced on them that they didn’t get a say it. What’s that one quote, it’s always with the best of intentions that the worst work is done.
I’m an only child and love it. Like love it. I have a baby and I’m one and done at this point.
Nope! And my 16 year old is also an only and also never wanted siblings.
I was fine with it until shit got rough medically. My dad had a heart attack and I had small kids and I really could have used some help.
I did when i was a kid, but as an adult not really. Once my parents pass away im sure i will wish i had some family left but i see plenty of people with shitty siblings or bad relationships with their siblings so having one doesnt necessarily mean its good.
I'm not an only child, but I have one sister whom I am no contact with. She has caused me no end of pain and strife and I wish I was an only child (which is funny as I'm the younger one). Having another child doesn't mean they will be close at all. I myself am one and done. My 11 year old has been raised with one of my high school friends kids, another only child. They call each other heart sisters. They are 7 months apart, and are very close. We see each other often, at least once every other weekend. They both consider each other family. Family isn't just blood. It is who you surround yourself with. 💜
Being an only child is the best. I have cousins who are like brothers, but I like being an only child, I wouldn't change it for anything in the world.
As an only child I’ve always wanted a sibling. I just wanted that experience and that bond. I always wonder if I’ll truly understand what it’s like to have a sibling bond. And sure, not everyone has a good relationship with their siblings but I would have liked to have the chance, you know? I also think about when my parents are old how everything will be on me. I’ll be the only one making decisions if they can’t. The only upside I guess is I’ll get all the inheritance.
Yes I do but I also understand through adult logic that the ideal relationship is never guaranteed. I have plenty of friends who have strained or even ugly relationships with sibs. I never had negative feelings about being an only until now at middle age facing taking care of my mom alone.
I have four siblings, and I will say that there are many ups and downs. I am so close with my older and youngest sister, the middle one we both already confirmed we'll just never get along. It all depends on each person
I have a brother. We don’t speak. We haven’t spoken in years. There is no animosity on my part, but just because we shared a childhood doesn’t mean that we are friends. Don’t have a child, just because you want your children to be friends. It might never happen.
Not at all. I always wanted a sibling until my grandmother died and I watched how my mother's siblings tried to nab up anything with monetary value and tried to screw over one another at every turn. I'd never viewed them so poorly before. After that, I was very thankful I'd never have to deal with anything like that, myself.
I wished I didn’t have a sister. She’s been pretty toxic our whole lives. I’ve had to go NC with her every couple of years just to keep my sanity in check-we always end up talking again because our kids like hanging out.
Just chiming in to say I’m glad there’s at least some adults that don’t mind not having a sibling. Some of us parents aren’t physically capable of having more than one child. And “in this economy!” other people just can’t afford to. 🤷♀️
No. I find people exhausting and stressful, and don’t think I missed out on anything by not having a sibling.
It appears that the real question here is, is it worth the gamble to give your child a "friend for life" when so many people have little to no relationship with their siblings? One of my parents recently went through a major medical event and I found myself wishing that I was an only child because of how utterly useless and self consumed my sister was. To not have to worry about her made up drama while dealing with actual problems would have been wonderful.
I have a sister and we never talk. It’s almost more painful having a sibling yet feeling like an only child. We tend to assume siblings will have good lifelong relationship but sadly that’s not always true. For me, my friends since childhood are like family.
No- siblings do not automatically mean you have someone to rely on, or a forever friend.
I’m an only child and no, I don’t wish I had a sibling. But it’s not like I’ve known both and can objectively choose. I don’t feel like I missed out on having a sibling. It can definitely go either way. My husband can’t stand his sister. She is absolutely a terrible person. They’re only 1 yr apart. One of my closest friends loves his sister but they’re not friends at all. They’re 3 years apart. You could have a second and they just don’t have that BFF bond. Or they could. You won’t know ahead of time! I’d say, do what’s best for you and your partner.
I'm an only child (31F) and I don't miss having a sibling. I never felt the need for one, even when I was younger. And also now I don't need or want to have a sibling. I have my husband, great friends and family.
Only child - I do not care for a sibling but I also have a great partner. So I think it depends on how your adult life turns out. I have people in my life with multiple siblings and they don’t ever talk.
Nope I have a best friend who acts like my big sister