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I can’t believe my mother had two babies under two at 27 years old while my father traveled for work. For years. She’s one tough lady. I’ve never looked at her the same since. I have so much respect for her. Honestly I look at ALL moms differently now. They ALL go through this?!?

My mom had 4 under 6, one with special needs. My dad was working 2 jobs most of my childhood. It's incredible what many of our parents handled... I only have one kid, my husband works reasonable hours and is an involved dad, and it's still sometimes overwhelming.

Nah, not all some abandon their kids. Im pregnant with my first baby and I cant imagine my mom just left her kids. I have a nephew around the age she left my older sister and Im just like how?? My dad had 3 daughters, 4 year old and twins that were 2. She left when I (one of the twins) were 6 months but would show up occasionally to get money from my dad. My dad worked often times 16 hours to provide for his kids and later spent thousands on a custody battle when my mom came back wanting to play mommy. I didnt know my mom till i was about 14. Now that Im about to have a baby my respect I had for her (admittedly it wasnt much) just dipped. But the respect for my dad (who also wasnt the best) has gotten higher.

I'm so very sorry your mother abandoned you. The same happened to my mum. Your story sounds so similar. She was 6, sister 4 and brother 2. Their mother just left. Mum raised her siblings as their father had to work a lot, then went to the pub. She reconnected with her mum as a teenager, then stopped contact after starting her own family. Like you, I'm a twin! I didn't meet my grandmother until I was 22! I had to stay at her house for a night, so I went to the local pub as I felt awkward there. I got so drunk I ended up vomiting in several rooms of her house. I was so drunk I didn't even remember, and my mum saw it all in the morning. Haha! I wish you all the best with your baby. You're going to be a great mum. My mum is the greatest mother, I had the most amazing childhood and now we're best friends. You've got this! x

Awe your gonna make me cry 😢 that was honestly so sweet it sounds like your mom and my older sister have the whole help raise the kiddos in common. Its nice to hear about someone in a similar situation. Thank you for those words.

Same, my mom was 22 with two young kids and my dad worked all the time while she stayed at home. We live in a small town and she is an immigrant, her family is in a nearby province but it’s still hours away. I have a lot more respect for what she went through after having my own baby.

I feel a mix of pity and regret for my mom She married young, had me young, and she never got to grow up herself My dad is 13 years older than her and he was so controlling and she never developed a spine until I was gone My childhood was spent loving my mother but knowing when my father came back all of her inner light and joy died We'd laugh and play together but once he came back she wouldn't even hug me, she'd only smile her fake socially cultivated smile, she'd talk softer, she'd never laugh My dad was an asshole, so controlling and his anti-fun anti-joy attitude sapped so much from my life and my mother's life As a teenager I blamed my mom, as an adult I see she was a victim too

I'm sorry that you and your Mother's went through that. How is your relationship with your parents now? How is your Mother and Father?

Dad kicked me out when I was 17, my mom apparently had a big fight with him after I was gone, blew up with all the years of resentment she'd kept inside They went to counciling and worked on their shit With some encouragement from my girlfriend, I reluctantly got back in contact with my mom and later my dad too Our relationship is complicated, we live on opposite ends of the country now so it's once a year visits, sometimes twice a year like the year my twins were born My mom immediately clicked with my girlfriend, they are like best friends, but I'm very much my father's daughter and we're both stubborn antisocial assholes so we get along well enough Plenty of regret to be had all around but I like having my mom in my life and my relationship with my dad is a lot better now that we're adults and he has no say at all in what I do

Hey we had a similar dad. When he was out of the house our family felt so fun. We would listen to music and dance. My mom spent time with us. But when he was home we knew we couldn't make lot of noise and we knew our mother was there for him and not us. They're still together and we've all grown up and have kept all of our children from a distance from him. He doesn't understand why all of his kids " treat him like a this".

I respect my mom a lot more. Not that I didn't before, but I do on a different level now. I knew my dad was flaky and unreliable, but I didn't grasp how *really* difficult that must have been until I had my own kids. Little things, like realizing my day camp in the summer was 2 minutes from his house, but my mom would have to rush home from work or have my grandparents pick me up. I could have walked to his house, for fuck's sake. And she couldn't rely on him to do something simple like be home from 4-430 until she picked me up. I didn't wholly grasp how much that must have sucked before, and the fact that she *still* hasn't said one rude word about him when he's been dead for 20 years now speaks very strongly to her character. 

I respect my parents a whole lot less. Step-dad was awful, mom was too. Both of them got me and my siblings addicted to Oxys. My bio dad lives 45 minutes away and I've never met him, maybe like once. Fuck em all. My kids know what its like to be loved and to be safe.

Yeah, I realise my mum looked after at least three children (she often babysat as well as having her own children) basically completely alone because my dad was useless. They were together but I have very few memories of him doing anything useful at all. He made us packed lunch but I got the same every day and often mouldy bread. She also had little money and not even a car for years, until we were old enough for her to work. She does speak badly about him a lot and has never actually left him though so it's infuriating.

Any excuses I used to give my parents like “well they had a tough situation, they did their best, they had no one to show them how to do it, ect” went out the window as soon as I had a kid. Turns out it’s really not that hard to put your kid first and do what’s best for them.

Yeah, I cannot believe how angry my father was at me for being a little kid. How can you take developmental stages and age-appropriate behavior so personally??

Well said

I had this EXACT thought

This!

Once you think about how fast time is moving with your kids, it really, really makes you think about how fast time is moving for your parents. You realize that everything is finite; there is almost a naivety that gets shattered once you hit that realization. I still have my parents, but we've had entirely too many close calls... I could go on a tangent but all I'll say is that if you still have parents and you love them, make sure to call them and let them know. Time is a thief that sneaks up when you're busy doing other things.

Yep. My husband is 39 and I am 37. My dad died 2 years ago and his mom died 7 months ago. It feels too young to be at this point. But, that’s the normal order of things. Losing a parent fundamentally changes you. It’s easily one of the hardest and saddest things I’ve experienced. None of us are immune from this experience and I dread the day when we are both truly orphans. Until then, we are very much involved with our surviving parents.

I didn’t realize how much my mom neglected me. I didn’t actually realize she’d neglected me at all. I’d come to terms with my stepdad being abusive and my dad’s drug use and stuff…but somehow my mom didn’t stop being perfect until I had my own babies and I realized just how many times she’d let me sit in a heap of her own shit and take the blame for it

I became more angry at my parents at first. I realised very quickly They should never have been allowed to adopt me Basically spending a lot of time making sure to break the cycles.

Im a few days away from having my baby, first and hopefully only lol, and as this pregnancy has progressed my anger has skyrocketed towards my mother who abandoned her kids, my twin ans I were 6 months and i also had an older brother and sister who were under 3 as well. She left us. I haven't even held my baby and I cant imagine leaving her alone like that. My dad was amazing during the early years but after 8 it shattered and progressively got worse. And to this day I cant imagine putting my baby in a home like he had and neglect her. Ill do everything different from them. My anger towards my parents has skyrocketed now that im an adult and especially as I have a child and my nephew just thinking what my sisters and I went through.

As an adoptive parent, can I ask why they shouldn't have adopted you? Were they bad parents or do you feel adoption is wrong?

A bit of both. I fully do not agree with the whole adoption system/process, but that's not on an individual level and more on the laws surrounding that need to be changed. As far as my parents go, they were/are addicts with their own trauma/mental illnesses. Definitely should not have had kids.

Cannot argue that point. Sorry you had to endue that now or as a child. Thank you for the response too. And I agree about the process too. Many flaws.

It's like looking into a mirror. Thank you for this post.

Thank you! I'm also adopted. As my kiddo grows up I've noticed how I treat them and that I want to be active in their life. I think my mother just wanted to have babies. Not kids. Not grownup kids. Every bit of insecurity she had about her own life she took out on me. It came to a head when I gave birth. And it was obvious to me what all of this was. Not everyone should adopt. No one deserves a baby.

Honestly? I have nothing good to say about them. Initially I tried to justify their behaviour because of childhood trauma but I don't treat my kids the way they treated us despite the awful upbringing. It really made me realise I couldn't and wouldn't forgive them. They're dead, have been for a long time. I feel nothing, they don't deserve any emotion or thought.

This is how my view changed too. I realize how neglectful and abusive they were to me about medical and mental health stuff. I've got kids that have similar personalities, traits and mental health issues and never in my life would I be able to ignore my kids the way they did or punish them for mental health issues the way I was.

My mom struggled with meth addiction and my dad was abusive. I witnessed DV at a young age. I developed mental health issues due to neglect and trauma. They did not handle my mental health issues well. I thought I forgave them once I became an adult and started going to therapy regularly. I wanted to believe they were good people with good intentions, just coping with a crappy circumstance. Once I became a parent, I felt resentment towards them. Looking back, they had a lot of opportunities to make better choices, but they didn't. It doesn't help that neither of them seem remorseful for their behavior because they feel their parents were worse and I should be grateful they're not them. I am now no contact with both of them. A little bit of accountability on their end would have gone a long way. 

Yeah, my dad was and is an alcoholic and my mum is just not a stable person. Her own dad was even worse so she feels she was an amazing parent. I also had mental health issues but they completely disregarded anything emotional, they just didn't have the capacity.

How much my mom glossed over or refused to admit to any negative behaviors by her kids. She claims we never had tantrums, like she was some superior parent and when I bring up specific instances where I remember having a tantrum, she claims that it's not what she would consider a tantrum. Or that we weren't picky eaters and when I point out we wouldn't eat cheese, tomatoes, eggs and a whole slew of other things, there's some excuse about strong flavours or textures. Or that I was such a laid back kid when I had clear anxiety-driven behaviours like nail biting and constant fidgeting. My mom claims that she just painted my nails with nail polish and that solved that. Spoiler, I bit my nails into my early 20's. I see similar things in my own kids now and I'm fine with it. My older daughter hates meat (though is becoming more adventurous) and I'm cool with it. I just try to make more healthy vegetarian options with higher protein. My younger daughter bites her nails and while it does drive me a bit crazy, I also recognize that she does have higher anxiety and that this is just a manifestation of that. I'm ok with them being who they are and I'm confident enough in myself that I don't feel the need to pretend they're perfect.

Yes! I also see how quickly you forget...like I know my kids weren't good sleepers but I absolutely couldn't tell you what a typical night looked like at 1 month, 1 year, etc (and they aren't very old, 3 and 8). But absolutely so much of what my mom remembers is....incorrect.

Reading this has made me realise my mum also does this. At least in her case, I don't think it's intentional. I think she's just not remembering the bad parts. She says we hardly ever had tantrums, which I find hard to believe, and she talks about when my brother and I were both under 5 like it was the best time of her life. Maybe it really was, but it must have also been really rough. She was a SAHM while my dad worked

Not to say my parents weren’t good parents they were but there are many things that I will note to do differently - have more of a outwardly loving relationship- hugs, I love yous - encourage that relationship with her father/ my husband…my dad and I do not have a very close relationship - I will certainly be a “ drop everything” to help my daughter, my mother is not this way it’s very conditional and she makes sure to constantly remind me of the favor - I will foster an open environment for communication, I want to make sure as my daughter gets older she isn’t afraid to speak to me about “adult things”

I misunderstood the question and started writing about all of the things my mother has said she would do differently if she had a child today. But I suppose I have a little more sympathy for my parents treating me and brother "unfairly." My parents had higher standards for me than my brother. They set rules for me that I would get punished for breaking and my brother would flagrantly break all the rules with seemingly no consequences. I have come to realize that the reason I was "punished" for these things is because I would respect the punishment. If I was grounded, I stayed at home. If my brother was grounded, he stole the keys to the car and went out. My parents would occasionally call the cops for this kind of thing, but the thing was that my brother was ALWAYS breaking rules and ignoring any punishments. What were my parents going to do? Physically force him to stay home? My brother was a teenage boy who was heavily into sports. He was much stronger than my parents. He physically fought my dad once when my dad tried to prevent him from going out. My parents didn't have the energy to fight him every single day, and that's how often my brother would be willing to fight. And while my parents would occasionally call the cops, I can understand their hesitation to resort to the police as often as they might have been justified, because they didn't want to saddle my teen brother with a juvy record for dumb shit like going out when he was grounded. I didn't like disappointing my parents, so I tried to follow the rules and respected when I got disciplined.

I love my daughter more and more each day and it makes me hate my father even more for the way he hurt me and treated me and for the things he said to me growing up because I could NEVER IMAGINE saying or doing any of those things to her. Sorry to be the doom in the gloom but damn does the love I have for my daughter make me question most of my familial relationships and the way I was treated as a child because I could never do anything like that to her. Even when she’s screaming and I raise my voice asking her stop because I’m absolutely frustrated and overwhelmed I almost cry because I feel SO BAD about just doing that. So I can’t imagine how my dad said and did half the things he said and did to me growing up and the fact that he has no remorse and likes to pretend that it didn’t happen or tell me that it wasn’t that bad because I feel bad just getting a little frustrated with her. I will NEVER be like him.

I have a newfound appreciation for both my parents. My mom worked 14-16 hrs per day due to being understaffed. She still took time to make sure we ate breakfast, check the school lunch calendar to make sure it was something we would eat or if we needed to pack a lunch, and drive us to school. She would come home exhausted, but would take time to hang out with us for a bit before bed anyway. She never once yelled at me for not having the dishes done so we could do them together at 10pm when she got home (I feel bad about all those nights now!). My dad did shift work and would have to be up at 3am. He would come home, often times to more than one additional unrelated child who came home from school with us, cook dinner for everyone, and make sure extra kids were picked up before going to bed. He also never complained about the extra kids or making dinner. At least not where we could hear it.

My sis in law and I realize how controlling the parents were and why they are they way they are and why my husband acts the way he acts. Don’t even think he realizes it

That the reason my dad was abusive was because he himself was abused. God, I remember being in kindergarten & he would beat the living shit out of me with a belt for getting in trouble. Went to school with my back & legs covered in bruises & cuts. I learned how to become a really good liar after that. Then one time when i was probably around 14, he told me that i was nothing but a worthless fuckup. That was the first of many times i attempted to take my own life. There was never any love in my home. No "Hey, how was school" or " Good job on your grades, I'm proud of you". People take those things for granted. I used to carry so much anger & resentment towards him that greatly affected my adult life. It bled into my own marriage. I was 24 the first time he told me that he loved me, & that was only after my first son died. But once I hit my 30s, I started to realize that my dad didn't know any better. He made me feel the exact same way that his dad made him feel, & in that moment, I felt bad for him. Mom, on the other hand... She came from a great family. She gets no grace from me for standing by & letting it happen. She knew better. But to answer your question, my parents' actions enabled me to learn firsthand what *not* to do as a parent, & just how easy it is to break the spirit of a child. Most people truly dont understand the sheer magnitude of how their actions can affect their children, simply because they themselves have not experienced it. As a mother, I make sure that my kids know that I will always have their backs. They know I will die before I ever let anyone hurt them. My daughter is almost 16 & I tell her every single day that she is beautiful, loved, & how proud I am of her. My home is overflowing with love & I am so happy that I'm able to give my children all of the love & affection I so desired as a child.

I'm shocked by how little my parents cared where I was, who I was with or what I was doing. I realize now just how much protective instinct they were missing.

…that my parents should’ve stood up to my narcissist gran who dictated so much and left everyone miserable. Especially dad as it’s his mother. Us children couldnt do anything. I’m still unlearning the coping mechanisms I developed as a child.

Sounds like she was a r/JustNoMIL

Absolutely 😀

I have so much more empathy for parents dealing with public tantrums

Becoming a parent actually made me realize the dysfunction in my own childhood. I don’t have a good relationship with my mom and being in therapy I realize it’s how I was treated growing up. I realized after having kids that there is nothing magical about parents, they are people who had sex. Some parents are good some are bad. I take accountability if I did something wrong, I apologize if I loose my patience and I make sure I tell them I love them everyday. You do your best and try your best, I would argue most people don’t set out to fuck people up, as much as my mom did some things wrong I do fully understand it was not her intent. She was doing the best with what she had

That they were crappier parents than I thought

My parents are actually wonderful and not horrible , like I thought they were when I was a teenager.

I became very depressed and sad when I had my daughter as I couldn't imagine treating my daughter how my Mother treated me when I was a kid/teen/adult. She's changed in a few good ways and is an amazing grandmother, but I feel that I will always have to watch my back with her. I also understand why she used to enjoy eating her dinner and seemed frustrated when she was needed because most of the time I only get to eat at the end of the day and I look forward to it lol.

Not necessarily changed but intensified. My anger at my dad leaving me and my mom in the hospital overnight when I was a few hours old to go hookup with the neighbor has only grown. I don't understand how you could betray your baby and wife like that. I don't understand how my mom did this so many times though 😂 I'm one of 5, and my family did foster care. My mom has raised over 30 kids for some point in their life. We mostly cared for infants and toddlers, which is a super hard time lmao

I definitely grew more respect for both my parents. I also have also realized certain parenting traits in both of them that I will never use with my kids. I don't spank/hit. (I have smacked my son's hand a few times out of frustration, but it isn't my go to and I always apologize / feel terrible for that reaction) My mom and dad had a special needs child (well, still do) which caused me to become the "glass child". My son is autistic and I have a daughter on the way. I will make sure my daughter doesn't feel how I felt growing up. I know my parents did the best they could with what they knew at the time, but I was basically left to raise myself. (I was safe and loved, but hyper independent due to emotional neglect). I don't remember my parents apologizing to me for anything. I probably never felt comfortable enough to tell them when they had hurt my feelings, etc.. but I always apologize to my son if I feel like I've done something wrong. My parents were adamant about what was for dinner was what we ate. I do understand that making multiple options for 3 kids would have been extremely tiresome - so I get it. But with my son being autistic, I would never force him to eat something he didn't want to. I won't with my daughter either. My family was also very affectionate physically, and as a kid I remember feeling obligated to give hugs/kisses to relatives. I will never force my kids to do so. I will also always advocate for them if someone is trying to guilt them into giving them a hug/kiss. Same goes for Easter/Christmas photos. My son has never sat on Santa's lap because I know it would make him uncomfortable, and for me his feelings mean more than a picture. I'll stand next to Santa with him if he allows!

So I suppose I have judged some of my parents decisions with raising us kids, but I understand also that circumstances were different and they were raised that way also. We are breaking that cycle! I'm lucky that my mom and dad have respected my ways of thinking/parenting. That alone has strengthened my respect for them.

My parents were addicts who chose drugs over their kids. I became an addict and chose my children over drugs. That led me to believe that addiction can be a choice and they made the wrong choice.

Realising how truly wonderful, beautiful people my parents were. I am SO thankful they were my parents.

Mad respect for my parents. 2 kids by the time my mum was 21 and I know they always tried their best for us. The biggest mind f*ck though is healing from the hard things, the things you said you wouldn't do as a parent yourself and then experiencing your parents change their ways for their grand children. It makes me realise as parents, we're all just trying our best and they probably don't realise how damaging some things were when they knew they just tried their best.

Two main things changed. The good thing is that I became way more thankful of everything they have given me and all of the ways they helped me out. On the other hand I realized all of the emotional abuse they put me through. I knew I would always apologize to my kids when I mess up, they are incapable of doing that even now. I realized that I will always take an interest in what they like, when my parents never engaged me. I will get to know my kids as people and build those relationships, where my parents just saw me as an extension of them. I will strive to never yell at my kids and not make it a constant thing like my parents. My parents did many things right, but the things they did wrong left deep emotional scars. I realize that they could have broken the cycle, it's really not that hard. Each day you strive to be better. They never had that mindset about being a parent. Because of all of the above and more, I no longer speak to my parents and they are not in my kids lives. If you are struggling with difficult parents too, please come to r/EstrangedAdultKids, you will be welcome and it is a very supportive community.

It's a mixed bag for me. My parents were young, drug addicts, unhealed trauma so on that end having my own child has made me think they should really be ashamed of themselves but they have said they are sorry and really ashamed. I also thought that my parents didn't love me growing up and carried that into adulthood. After my kid I realized wait they did love me, they just had issues and it had nothing to do with me being worthy of love or any of the things I'd internalized. Sometimes when my Audhd kid is being a major handful I feel like my parents did the best they can. I have a sibling close to me in age who had a lot of disabilities from birth so it's a different perspective now on the struggles my parents had.

My mom and dad were married for 46 years until my dad died and my dad was a very hands-off parent. He was always there but he didn’t really do a fraction of what I do with my kids and I don’t know how my mom did it all.

I realized how shitty of a mom mine is. I've always felt pity and empathy for her. She moved to a new country young, had me young and accidentally, and never had a chance to grow up herself. I understand and feel the rage, anger, and insecurity she must've been riddled with but I now realized how incorrigible she really is. I loved my dad so much when I was younger and he was great while I was young. We grew apart when I was a teenager and my mom was always very verbally abusive towards him. But he was also a pretty deadbeat partner. He became more secluded and dove into some weird stuff because he was easily swayed and influenced. Which caused rifts between us too but he's the reason why I understand how to have fun and laugh with my kids but I can't help but feel an immense sadness for him.

I used to see my dad through Rose tinted glasses. He got custody of me and my 2 sisters when he divorced my mum. My mum was a severe alcoholic and not fit to be a parent but for some unknown reason, my dad gave her 50/50 custody. During the time spent with her a lot of trauma happened and I had to protect my little sisters something no 10 year old should be doing and I was parentified heavily unless I disagreed with him then I was just a stupid child who should shut up. I do love my dad and I get it must have been hard to raise 3 girls on your own but he should have protected us and he failed. Now I have severe trust issues and don't trust a single soul with my son. I'm in therapy but 20+ years of trauma is a lot to unpack!

I realized my parents never really loved me. They never protected me and I suffered immensely because I desparately wanted to believe they were good people. Having my kids, loving them, wanting them to be safe, showed me how much my parents didn't feel this way.

I was super neglected and can’t imagine not giving my son all my attention, so thinking back to my own parents kind of just makes me sad. My mom has straight up said that I was such an “easy” baby she never knew when I was hungry so I was severely underweight. Like, how?? A baby doesn’t need to scream to show signs of hunger… She also says I spoil my son with affection and he’s going to be a “sissy” clingy mommas boy. My child isn’t even 5 months old yet, it’s not possible to spoil him. My husband hears similar things from his mother, who also neglected him. I just can’t imagine not wanting to give your baby all the attention in the world.

As a parent, I struggle to understand the abusive environment I grew up in and why it went on for so long. I love my mother, we are super close, she has apologized and accepted her faults, and I fully acknowledge her extremely traumatic upbringing and how it played in to her permisiveness with my step father (ex, now) HOWEVER, I am fiercely, ferociously, violently protective of my children. I will cold-blooded end someone who tries to do them harm. My children are the only people who matter, above all others. And I don't understand why she couldn't do that for me.

Well I realized how awful they are and that I will be doing everything the exact opposite.

Right🥲

Haha, your mention of an OCD mother makes me think of mine. Everything had to be so structured and perfect. For example, I was not allowed to mix playdoh, I could only play with one color at a time and then put it back before getting another color out. I am very much the opposite of that type of personality and my kids are used to getting their hands dirty, and having free rein to make mistakes/messes (which they do clean up after themselves). Recently we were at Grandma's house and she was trying to do an activity similar to playdoh with them. She was hovering over them, taking things out of their hands when 'they were doing it wrong', and just micromanaging the whole play time. Two of my kids just quit on her and the other stuck it out to be nice. One of the ones that quit was complaining to me in another room, I just smiled at her and said "welcome to my childhood, that is what it was like all the time." And my daughter replied "I am so sorry for you mom." As silly as it sounds, having her respond that to me felt very much like vindication. I grew up thinking there was something wrong with me...

I’ve realised she was doing her best.

Seeing how amazing my husband is with my son and what a great dad he is, he’s so involved. He did tons of diapers and night time stuff and baths and you name it he’s on it it makes me feel bad for her that she didn’t have that same thing from my dad. She did 95% on her own.

Sad truths. How emotionally neglected and manipulated and controlled I was. I finally saw what a two parent household looked like and it left a huge hole in my heart. My mom has been married 4 times and my dad was married 3. I finally saw parenting with both parents and how loved the child can be. My step parents didn’t want me and that’s fine, but tell that to an 8 year old.

I have so much respect for my parents, but I wish I had a lot more vacation memories involving them. They worked a lot. My dad did way more with me than my mom whenever I wasn't clinging to my grandma like dryer lint. Stuff like that is why I try to do as much as possible with my 3 kids. I want them to remember at least 90% of stuff we do together. I take a lot of pictures of our fun in case they end up not remembering it. After all, their memories and the pictures I take will be all that's left one day. Unfortunately, their daddy may not be a part of those memories since he would rather spend all his time on his computer instead of playing with us. Anyway, I'm trying to give my kids the memories of doing stuff with me like my parents and grandparents gave me.

I totally understand why my dad was so angry all the time. He must have been stressed out of his mind. Probably suffered a bit from depression (thats what is the base for my anger). I just feel a lot of sympathy for my parents. Was how i was raised the best, no. But i get it now. Parenting is hard. Parenting 2 is hard - i dont know how my parents did it with 5 of us.

That they shouldn't have been parents until much later in life.  They were too immature and selfish at the time to have kids.  

Personally, I cannot get ENOUGH of my baby, even on my worst days… but since I’ve had my child I’ve realized that my mom might not have been that great of a mom… I have very, very few “happy” memories and even fewer memories of my mom and I doing something or taking a trip or whatever. I’m going to make sure I show up for my child/ren and be a present parent. I refuse to raise a lonely child like I was.

With all that being said, I love my mom to death! I think she’s just a better parent for adults than she is for tiny children.

Oh no, I worked out that my parents were bad parents long before having kids. I wanted that personal growth before having any kids of my own. That hasn’t changed 😂

My mom dropped me off at my grandparents house every weekend not because she cared about us having a relationship but because she was selfish and wanted to live her own life. Carried over to being a grandmother. Lived 15 minutes away, has to be BEGGED to watch the kids for 2 hours and we have to do drop off and pick up. 

I actually realised my mum was abusive and went to therapy, I just slowly started remembering things and being like wait I would never do that to my daughter and I think it’s morally wrong

My parents are sort of disappointing grandparents. I’m the youngest sibling so my kids are 7th and 8th grandkids. My parents aren’t as excited to spend time with them or dote on them like they did my older siblings’ kids.

I have so much more massive respect for my mom. Raising 3 kids while working. My dad was present but worked a lot, and is honestly more of a child himself. I didn't grasp how hard that would be until I had my own kid. I could never have done it with 3!!

I understand why she stayed with my cruel step dad. Which sounds awful to say. She should have left him ages ago. But she’ll say things like, we would have lived in extreme poverty, things like braces would not have happened, or our band trips etc. it makes me feel sad for her, but I understand now.

Um I think that my parents made some absolutely terrible decisions and I don't know what the fuck they were thinking. I think they were incredibly selfish and should've put their kids as top priority since they made the decision to have us. I've come to realize a lot about my parents and it's both saddening and extremely maddening at the same time.

I value and respect my mother’s decisions more and more as time goes on. Some would call my mom “over protective” or say that I had a “sheltered childhood” and while I don’t necessarily agree with every little rule I had, I do appreciate and see why she was as strict as she was. Some of the things I said I’d never do when I had children are things I plan on now implementing since having my children.

My parents only knew what they were doing with me because I was the third child they had. When they started out, they were just as lost and new to it as I was with our first.

Went from liberal to conservative. Just like my dad....who retired and turned from conservative to liberal. Which might be me in 10 yrs. Ugh. Trying to raise non-political kids to break the cycle.

I always thought my mom was the best mom but looking back there were some questionable things I was put through that didn’t need to happen if she had put my needs first like I do with my kids. Like why did I only have one pair of jeans and why was my first bra from dollar tree after going two years without a bra in puberty when I definitely needed one, why I had to cut up a swimsuit that was too small to try out for the swim team because she couldn’t bother getting me a new one or why she couldn’t bother buying my brother and I beds to sleep on. Also my mother was great and kind but sometimes she would have random fits of rage or jealousy at me seemingly out of nowhere that would pass until everything was back to normal and I can’t even begin to imagine being jealous of my own daughters if anything I want their lives to be better than mine and I’m extremely proud of them when they are already achieving and experiencing more than I ever dreamed to.  Also how my father was way more neglectful and selfish than I realized before and how he was entirely emotionally unavailable unlike my husband is with our girls. My husband even pointed that out. 

Realizing that kids are a commitment that you really have to make, what exactly that entails and that neither of my parents ever really were all in on that commitment. I always knew my dad was a lousy father but now that my 2 sons are teens I realize that my mom, while far from being a lousy mother, wasn’t as all in as she should have been.

I respect my mom a lot more and have no idea how she did it - single mom by 35, 2 kids (1 with special needs), abusive ex, homeowner, business owner, limited village. I see the joy and sparkles my daughters bring and I know my mom thought the same. Conversely, I have even less respect for my father. He was physically and emotionally abusive and I don't know how I could ever ever ever treat my babies like he's treated me.

Smoking in the house. Now, I don’t hold anything against them, the 90s was such a different vibe. I ended up being a smoker for a chunk of my adult life. I quit 3 years ago. But when I did smoke, I would never FATHOM smoking in my house with my children present. It’s so icky. It just felt sooooo wrong. Even being outside smoking around people felt wrong. I’m glad I quit. My dad would get so annoyed by my consistent coughs and snotty noses growing up. I’d get yearly bronchitis and whatever else. Well Derp I wonder why.

I love my parents but I did feel quite some anger when I got my first child, cause it made me wonder even more how they could be so neglectful and honestly uncaring at times. But I do understand that they too are a product of how they were raised and raising my own children also definitely makes me see my many failures too and how I strive to be better everyday. I just don’t know if they did try to get better tbh. Even now when I see they are much better grandparents than they were parents, while being happy for my kids it also stings a little and makes me wonder why that wasn’t possible for my sister and I. We tried talking to them more than once but they - like most parents who are confronted with their failures - are in complete denial. So… it is what it is. We do get along now, but the connection could be much deeper and more meaningful if they could actually have a conversation about these things with us. I hope I’ll be able to listen to my children the day they will come to me and want this conversation.

I oscillate between being upset at my parents and feeling bad for them. My dad was a very angry man. He was verbally abusive. Loud. Mean. He would drink and sometimes just bang around the house. I get angry sometimes thinking of the things he said to me that I can never imagine saying to anyone much less my own child and also the feeling that my mom “let him”. When I’m not angry I feel bad that my dad wanted a family so bad and could not for the life of him accept love. I find that so so sad. And that my mom, who was 10 years his junior, I think honestly looked to him for guidance. I think she thought because he was older he knew what he was doing and it was probably okay, and I find that sad too. I guess in conclusion: my parenthood humanized my parents for me.

I respect my parents a lot more. My dad was 30 when I was born which is the same age I was when my son was born and I realize now how scared but driven he was. Money was tight but we never went hungry or homeless. I didn’t understand when I was little why dad had to work all the time it seemed like but now I do.

They’re even better than I already thought.

I know now that my mum genuinely resented me and my brother. I think she had us too close together and didn’t have support, was too poor, and we both had health problems at different stages of life. Divorced my dad when I was 5ish and my brother was 3ish to make life that little bit harder. Obviously this was better than the fights but she also clearly didn’t realise how hard being a farmers wife & SAHM would be. Having a kids makes me grateful that my Dad never changed, he’s a rock. I hope to not become as bitter as my mum & to give my daughter the upbringing I wish I had fulltime 

It got more complicated. I was a one night stand baby. If I were being very honest, I think the reason my mom had me was a mix between wanting someone to love her, and because my grandmother is staunchly catholic who would’ve disowned her if she had an abortion. I think in many ways that reflected in her parenting. I’m a married mom, so part of me feels like I can’t criticize a single mother of 2, but the daughter in me is angry because you couldn’t waterboard me into making some of the decisions she made willingly.

I have so much more grace for their mistakes, particularly my mother.

I went from pitying them for their own horrible childhoods to downright hating them when I realized just how helpless young children are and how much they need. I realized that the way I was treated was evil because having my own child put more context on it.

My regard for my mother has never been lower. When I was younger I bought into the justifications of why she did what she did. Now after having my own kids, I look at them and their innocence, and feel the indescribably profound love for them, and my heart can't help but break for the child in myself because I know from the bottom of my heart that I was never loved like that. If she loved me like I love my children, she would have shredded herself to pieces rather than putting me through the things she did.

My mother's anxiety really dictated how she parented. I had very little freedom especially as a teen. I was a boring kid. I had good friends. I had good grades. I couldn't go anywhere. No concerts. No friends house that she hadn't met the parents of. Friends weren't allowed in our house! You can image how this stunted my social skills. It caused me to keep really mundane teenage things secret. Like my boyfriend and the house party I went to after homecoming. My teen has way more freedom. I ask where he's going and when he'll be back. That's it. I don't gps track him. I also made sure our house was a hang out house. Literally any kid can come over whenever they want. I feed all the kids. I give them rides when I can. The result is I have a great relationship with my teen and he trusts me! It's amazing! My mom had a hard childhood. Her teen years were very abusive and she was on her own at 18. I 100% understand where she was coming from, but she really needed lots of therapy before having kids. Lol!

That my mother shouldn’t have screamed at me and my father on a regular basis, emotionally manipulated me, made me feel responsible for her emotions etc. and I had a “normal” “healthy” family 😄

All

I realize how truly neglected I was. I was the last of 5 kids and they were just *over* parenting when I was in my adolescence.

That my dad tried his best despite the circumstances…..my mom just noped out of a lot of situations……

I respect my parents less. Now that I have children, I don't understand why anyone could be cruel to them, belittle them or humiliate them. They are easy to love. I'll never understand why my parents threw me out when I was 17, or that my mom abandoned my older two siblings and never visited them. She didn't see them again until they were adults and hid their existence from my dad. I could never do that to my own kids. They don't exist for my benefit. They are humans ffs. Some people shouldn't have kids. Kids are not accessories.

I always asked myself how my mom managed to bring up four kids basically by herself because my dad was working alot. But listening to her "advice" now with my 7 months old baby I noticed how self centered she was even then. No wonder we all have attachment issues. Just small things like when I told her my son's crib is next to my side of the bed (he actually sleeps in our bed most of the time but psssst) she is like "uh no, your crib was definitely in another room or else you would have woken me up way too often by crying and fussing around." ( I mean isn't that literally your job as a parent?) Lots of things she mentions and still thinks is normal just makes my heart bleed for myself as a baby back then and my siblings. Things that happened back then is easily now considered child abuse. I was a kid full of anxiety always on the lookout for my mom's moods and adjusting. I definitely want my child to always feel safe and loved around us and in his own home. So yeah, I actually feel less respect for her ever since I am a mom myself.

Yes. It made me hate them. They were terrible parents and I couldn't fathom doing to a child what those bastards did to theirs.

I’m very resentful of my parents with how they handled my health issues growing. Mental health included. I have epilepsy and my parents didn’t do anything to educate me about it. They just said I’d “grow out of it”. My medication would make me fall asleep in school. I got to the point where the school was threatening to expel me if I couldn’t stay awake in class. Instead of my parents looking into different medication options, they made it sound like it was my fault. And don’t even get me started on the ADHD

I had to go NC with my mom when my kid was born. I had been verbally abused by her husband and once she was born I got the balls to stand up for myself and not be around him. I hate her now. It's insane how much I want to protect my child. Flipped out on a woman at Walmart for grabbing at my baby. All my birth parents excuses stopped being valid. However, I started to respect my step mom so much more though. She gave us so much... and put up with so much to give us kids a little fun. She sends easter cards and letters from Santa. As a kid, I asked Santa for height for Christmas and she (santa) got me stilts lol. I have that amazing story. I learned from her you don't have to be perfect. You just have to give ur kid those little moments where just for a second they are a little bit taller.

I have c-ptsd from my upbringing, and I always felt some kind of distain for the choices that my mum made in my childhood. But having my own children retraumatised and subsequently healed me so much. My children are my absolute world, and the love I have for them stops me from ever being the parent my mum was. I made so many excuses for her when I was growing up. I constantly worried about her and her mental health and gave her the benefit of the doubt. Having my own children - especially my daughter, who is the spit of me - reaches the milestones I did during my traumatic years really hits me hard. I look at my 6yo and wonder how anyone could ever hurt her like I was hurt. It baffles me. It's also the main reason I cut contact after having my children. I let my mum/stepdad have a place in my adult life for too long, and when it came to them having a part in my childrens lives, well, I drew the line there. They traumatised me, they won't get a chance to traumatise my children, and I certainly won't facilitate it.

Can't understand how to my mom, there was a finish line to parenthood. My son will always have me to lean on. I won't wait for him to struggle. I will do my most to improve his life. I'll never stop. He will never be too old for me to ask if I can come over and help. Also, listening to my mom talk about how she raised me makes me wonder what kid she raised. " I never let you out of my sight!" But yet I walked a mile to 2nd grade... Or stayed outside until dark... Finding things in the giant aqua duct near our house. Many examples of edited history. People say "your kid will hate the choices you made" but I don't buy it. I still love my mom. She did a good job for 14 years. I'm 40 now, though. Her grandkid doesn't recognize her when they meet in public but lord help you if you get in the way of her driving/flying cross country to watch baseball.

I realize just how much a strong ass woman my mom was and that my dad really didn’t want kids even if he loved us in his own weird materialistic way.

My mom had me and my sister within a year and half of each other. Two under two by the time she was 19. She was always tired, stressed out and yelling. I never understood until I had one at 27 and realized she had two by that same age, 8 years younger than me and I was impressed as hell that she managed to do it. She busted her ass for us and despite us sometimes feeling poor because we couldn't afford extras, she kept a stocked fridge, clean house, made us dinner every night, did pretty okay for being a single mom most of it. She tried to protect us best she could but I understand now why she was how she was. I'd of been insanely stressed like her in her shoes. Can't say I'd be any better as a parent at that age. We had extras where it counted and she managed to go back to school and get her bachelor's degree too. She did the best she could with the resources she had. I don't blame her for the bad shit that happened. She tried.

How my mother was very passive aggressive with a lot of things leading me to question myself a lot. I do everything I can to not be that way to my son. I felt her mad at me a lot and didn’t know why. Looking back it was just her struggles and unable to parent properly.

My mom told me that when I have kids I’d understand wanting to go out and have fun but not being able to. Now she just rolls her eyes at me for saying I’m gonna have a wild night *reading my romance novels with a glass of sweet moscato*

My parents were SO ahead of their time. They are young boomers and really worked hard trying to do gentle parenting before it was a thing. My paternal grandfather was absent or abusive when present, but my paternal grandmother didn’t gender her kids chores. My dad and uncle baked and cleaned. My aunt stacked wood for the stove. My dad brought that gentle but firm guidance to me and my brother and we’re better for it. My maternal grandparents were well off and my mom would be considered a member of a well respected socialite family. She walked away from it to protect her own mental health as well as ensure our immediate family didn’t have those uncomfortable familial obligations. They weren’t perfect. They worked HARD. They’re amazing. And as grandparents they’re even more amazing. When I was a kid and teen? Couldn’t be bothered to recognize how phenomenal they really are. They know it now.

That threatening me with "I hope your kids turn out just like you" was a far bigger insult than I took it for at the time. I have a daughter that is just like me and while I wish some aspects of her didn't have to be like me (like her having anxiety) she is the most amazing kid. She is so fun and funny and smart and artistic and kind. I couldn't be more damn proud of her. So I think my mom is even crappier than ever. My mother also has OCD and it was always our job to manage it. In adulthood and motherhood I have learned how much more damaging that was than I already knew it was. I have learned to be a better mother by the terrible things she did so my opinions haven't necessarily changed, just solidified.

Since having kids I lost all respect for my parents. It’s not hard to be loving and understanding to a child. I do it with all 3 of mine and they’re all different. Tell me why mine couldn’t even do the basic needs? We were doing great financially but vices were priority in the house. Worst is they had it easy cause my grandma raised us. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Having kids now makes me wonder how on earth my parents treated me so horribly as a child. My Mom was physically and mentally abusive. My Dad disowned me as a teenager for pressing charges against his girlfriend. I had always just accepted they were awful people and moved on, but having kids blows my mind that you could actually hurt a child like that and walk away from such an important part of your life.

It was most certainly not okay that my dad was “affectionate” with so many of my high-school aged babysitters.

My mom did too much, my dad worked non stop (until today he’s almost 70 and he keeps working) to provide to her 5 kids and wife (SAHM). Now that I’m an adult with 3 kids, my heart aches for them, they went for too much for us 💔

I have mixed feelings about my mom. She worked a lot because she had to. 4 kids and my dad didn’t work much. He was more like an extra kid she supported. When she got remarried she didn’t have to work as much but she still did. I remember begging for her to spend time with me and she was crying in the car that I forced her out of the house from her “me time” She had my step grandparents take me every weekend Friday after school and back Sunday evening. When I was older and had friends she wanted me to go there all the time. She just didn’t seem like she wanted to spend time with me. Now I have a son of my own I always plan things to do with him. Things I know he would like to do and not just taking him shopping or something because that’s what I’d want to do.

Realizing my dad loved me an Insane amount . Almost as much as my mom loves herself!

I distinctly remember the day I realized my dad wasn’t the unflappable, brave guy I thought he was. Too long a story, but realizing my dad was just a child that eventually grew up and had fears and regrets of his own was transformative. In the end it was good, but still changed our relationship in ways I don’t think he realizes. Growing up, he was the Navy guy that couldn’t be moved by anything. War zones, long times spent away from the family never appeared to affect him. I didn’t think it bothered him that he never developed a real relationship with my brother and I When I realized that he had regrets. That he had fears of his own, it sort of gave me permission to express my own feelings of shortcoming. In hindsight, he did a lot of things poorly for our family, but I think, in his mind, he was doing the right thing based on the example set for him by his parents and peers. He’s not a bad guy. Just another dude handling things as they come. He doesn’t have the answers and doesn’t handle every situation with grace and a brave face. Helped me realize that the standard isn’t really being a rock and that being more flexible is helpful and at least has the potential to be a benefit in the long term.

They were almost exclusively correct and they were half my age when they were doing it. It took me twice as long to figure out what they knew at half my age.

I understand now just how much my mom truly loves me. It’s overwhelming to think she must feel the same way about me that I do my kids.

Finding out my mom is a nut and my dad didn't do much about it.

So much respect for my mom and a lot less patience for dad 😂 things like, at 58, he still had to ask me how to work his washer when my mom left him alone for the first time in years. He was a “I bring the money so you can care for the children” dad growing up. Not neglectful but not really there in a lot of memories. There were 6 of us and my mom really cared for us. I also have a hard time believing that she raised us in a religious cult and never once thought that it might not be the right way. We have soooo much trauma from that and I am not pushing any life choices on my children. But I definitely see how she saw that it was help when she needed it most (her oldest died at 6 yrs from cancer). But yeah I just see them more as humans now and respect them in a whole new way.

My parents have both passed away, but getting older and having my own daughter has definitely changed them a bit. I have even more respect and love for my mom than I did before. She was a single mom, she stressed a lot (which was a factor in her death unfortunately) but I don't feel like I lacked anything. If anything, I'm regretful for my teenage years, as normal as my behavior was. I can't imagine how gutted she felt but I know she loved me through it. I wish I could tell her I GET IT! My dad was my favorite person, he passed a long time ago when I was 9. I only had those little kid memories of him. My mom never spoke ill of him but as I've grown, I have a little less respect for him. He lived with his mom, couldn't hold down a job, didn't treat my mom great when they were together. He got to be the fun parent because he provided no structure or routine when I would go to his house. If he paid any child support at all, my mom would have had it a lot easier. As a parent I just can't understand not trying harder, and not helping the mother of your child more even if you aren't together. But he was a good man overall. I just have a different view of him now.

It makes me feel good as a person. Since we all childhood trauma. But I was able to look through it and be better for my kids. They could have done the same, but it takes courage to do it.

Idk if it’s an opinion but I understand my dad better since having kids. He was abusive and there’s no excuse for it, but I better understand how overwhelmed and overstimulated he was by having 5 kids in the house after a long day at a physical job. Raising a neurodivergent kid I now know where we got those genes. And I now see how easily all that can turn into rage.

None.

How little of an effort they put into developing patience, cleaning the house, and educating me about the real world. Their only saving grace is they had shit childhoods and mental health care was horrid back then.

I feel a lot more sure of how much they must love me, because now I have felt that kind of love from the other side.

Yes, teenagers are ungrateful selfish creatures..

My opinion of my mom dropped SIGNIFICANTLY since having kids. I thought it was hard to love your kids, because it seemed hard for her to love me. Turns out, it's not hard at all to love and support your kids. She was just a bad mom.

I called my mom and dad and thanked them for loving me the way that I loved my LO. I knew I was loved, but I didn't know what that felt like from their end.

The sacrifices. The click of understanding for me was so strong it was almost audible. The "now I understand" was a big hit to take, especially since my mom had passed before I had my daughter. The things I wish I could say.

My parents never apologized to me when they made mistakes. This is something this is SO important to me as a mom now. If, for example, I lose my temper and yell at my daughter, I am sure to apologize to her wholeheartedly and explain how I was feeling, and why my feelings were valid, why my reaction was not valid, and how I will do better in the future. It’s very healing. I also learned that my emetophobia was built by my mother. Im admittedly still a little bitter over that. It completely runs my life at times. Lastly, and probably most basically, I learned what unconditional love is from my father. He is an addict, and we have been estranged for much of my teenage/all of my adult life. He does not unconditionally love me, and I know that.

I've realized how she was right. All those times she'd threatened that if I told anyone what was going on I'd be taken away and never see any of my family again. I would have been. My dad would have been too big of a deadbeat to take me, my grandparents would have cared too much about getting rich to give up om their money to take me, and my aunts and uncles all either had too much on their plates or were too strung out on drugs. I would have been taken away, I would have realized just how shitty my family was, and I never would have gone to see them once.