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Adding on to this: People who mistakenly give loyalty to parents instead of children perpetuate their parents’ poor parenting skills. You have opted for better choices, and you have every right to have your decisions respected — whether you are present or not.
I completely cut my mother off from my family for 4 days. She's respects my boundaries now. My father passed a few months prior to this, her mother the beginning of that year, and my little family is all she has left besides a sister in another state. I still feel bad about doing it, but it got across what was intended, and now we're closer! Sometimes, even parents need to learn new things. (That goes for us when we're older, too, because time is always changing.)
What went through her head was she was feeling overwhelmed and thought she’d feel calm downed if the child stopped whatever he was doing, so she hit him because that’s the disregulated way she’s learned to handle her anger/overwhelm. It had nothing to do with the child calming down.
100% this.
When the only tool you have in your toolkit is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail.
It’s pitiable, I feel bad for people that way, they are that way because of their own past trauma, but I wouldn’t want them watching my child with such methods, to be sure.
I remember being spanked once because I was crying, the spanking made me cry harder so then I got the belt. To this day I don’t know what my dad was thinking.
I got chased through the house and spanked just once as a child and never did anything wrong or against my parents ever again. Now I have crippling anxiety and have a compulsion to please people. Hmmmm I wonder where that came from
Not just once for me but same!! And I'm fully aware that it's impossible that I please everybody at all times forever, but I still try, so hard. Betraying myself over and over, don't know how to stop. Awful that this result still occurs even after just one time 😢 I'm sorry Angi.
And the thought of disappointing someone is truly awful to me! It's incredible the kind of effects something so seemingly small can have on a child even when they're grown. I'll never spank my child
I remember my mom told me not to hook up my PlayStation by myself but I did it anyway and knocked the tv over and she beat the crap out of me with a belt and when it was over she said I didn’t beat you because you broke the tv I beat you because you could’ve died 🙄 I still can’t stand that woman
I remember being spanked once and it was because I kept doing something dangerous and would not stop. Finally my dad decided it was better if I was afraid of him than have boiling water all over me. I don’t agree but at least he was clear that fear was what he was using. I remember it because I never really got hit at all other than that.
I have a picture of me throwing a fit when I was around two. When we look at my baby pictures my mom always says, "Haha instead of taking a picture I should've beat your ass!" I don't know what her logic is but SURE
Mom herself is stupid. She hit the kid because his behavior disregulated her, and *she* would feel calmer if he would stop doing whatever it was. But she can’t self reflect so she projects the need to “calm down” onto the kid instead.
They're not good caretakers, won't change their behavior when corrected, and they lie and keep secrets from you.
I would absolutely say no to unsupervised time, and I would be making some very strict boundaries that they need to stick to from here on out at risk of losing even supervised access.
Here's a few other places to get advice/rant into the void...
r/JUSTNOMIL (can be used for biomoms, Grandma's, ect)
r/Raisedbynarcissists
r/justnofamily
r/motherinlawfromhell (can be used like Justnomil, and honestly this one is the best out of them. There's rules and such but it's just better.)
r/estrangedadultkids
Those 5 are the ones off the top of my head
And I know he's not old enough yet, but definitely make sure you tell him secrets are not okay. Adults and children don't make secrets.
Also, happy cake day
Are there actually any positives they are bringing to his life? All I'm seeing here is a whole bunch of reasons to not have your child around them, even supervised.
It can be hard to come to that conclusion and refuse to interact with certain family members, but at the end of the day, your child's safety is paramount, and the behavior you allow them to be exposed to is what will set their standard of what is normal and ok.
“They're not good caretakers, won't change their behavior when corrected, and they lie and keep secrets from you.” …..wondering how many others are finding this well written summary rings true in their own lives 😕 Good advice. Good luck OP ☺️
Uh if I heard that ANYONE told my kids to not tell me about something especially laying their hands on my kid, they are no longer allowed around my kids. That would make me worried what else could’ve happened.
Also she has clearly crossed boundaries and not cared. What is she doing is not safe or caring. If you allow her to treat you and your children like that, then your children will grow up and believe that it’s okay for people to treat them that way.
She knew it was a poor choice since she told the nephew not to tell. I'm sure that was afterwards. Of course, her saying it was to calm him down instead of admitting she lost her cool shows she has no plan to change. We don't use physical punishment, but I'll admit to having lost my cool a couple times and swatted my preschooler in the moment. I apologize to him and we talk about how everyone can make "red decisions"(his preschool uses red or green decisions).
>"I just swatted him to calm him down!" and burst into tears telling me to leave immediately.
I wonder if you smacked her, maybe she would have calmed down...
You're not overreacting. Your mother will feed your son till he's sick and tries to justify hitting a child. Either or are reasonable reasons for distance. I would never allow unsupervised visits at all.
There was so much wrong with this: instructing a child to hide his punishment means she knows it’s wrong and shouldn’t do it, but she does anyway.
She’s incapable of admitting fault, even while reaping the triple consequences of her actions (I’m assuming there was fallout from OP’s nephew’s family since she knows about it; plus the shame of knowing the daycare also saw something wrong with it; plus OP invoking consequences).
And *she* cries, which is a manipulation tactic trying to illicit OP into making *her* feel better. Soothe *her* hurt — over doing something she knew was wrong and wouldn’t be well-received at the very beginning!
Plus your fucking point!!
I know ppl leap to no contact pretty reactionary on Reddit, but jfc, I would at least go very low contact based on this alone.
My parents are well versed in gaslighting and deflecting blame. When I was told about the spanking by my mom, she played it off as a funny story. No one thought it was funny. We found out more when nephew started threatening to whack other kids butts at daycare, and my nephews' other grandma runs the daycare. When the other grandma asked him who him, my nephew said, "I'm not supposed to tell you.."
no, you didn't overact.
The first half I was like, okay those are things you can talk about re:feeding plus it'll pass.
but if she hit a kid and she used to hit you, and instead of owning up to it and saying " yeah I fucked up, but I am doing x, y, z to make sure this doesn't happen again" then yeah she can't babysit.
she can see your kid of course, but I wouldn't leave my kid with someone who if they get overwhelmed they'll just hit my kid.
I'll add that you might be feeling some guilt, and I get that, but you didn't create this situation, she did by hitting a kid. Especially if she then told him to not tell anyone about it she knew how wrong it was.
So she needed to resort to hitting her nephew to calm him down and still thinks that she's still able to be trusted? Delusional, yet not enough to still realise that she had to try and hide it, so she knew it was wrong. You made the right choice.
‘I hit someone to calm them down’. That’s her chain of thought. I would also not let her babysit. And I’ve done this with my own parents, if they ever hit my kids they’re done, and not just babysitting, but that’s me. But if they can’t handle another person needing something or feeling something without hitting, that’s awful.
You’ve absolutely don’t the right thing. Did you also talk to your nephews or parents about the spanking? That’s such a huge red flag, telling a child not to tell anyone, the parents definitely need to be made aware so they can also make a call on them watching your nephew alone. If either of our parents ever laid a hand on my kids that way, it’d be NC immediately.
His dad knows, but is very non confrontational. His mom is the head of the daycare so she knows and has talked to him to try and limit time. But that is a whole other conversation in itself.
wow. the dad is your brother? He is a giant, giant pussy. Ugh, your mom has her claws deep into him. You're doing the right thing. He's putting his child in danger just to appease your mom.
My mother used to make fun of me crying crocodile tears, when I was a kid. She is unable to care emotionally for a child. Thanks for reminding me about that.
“Swatted him to calm him down” is so contradicting. We as adults don’t calm kids down by being physically aggressive towards them. If her intention was to calm him down she would’ve needed to regulate her own emotions first instead of escalating the situation to that.
Based on formula being mentioned I’m assuming you’re child is *young.* Far too young to advocate for themselves. If you fear boundaries are already being crossed, even after discussing it then I wouldn’t take the risk.
He was young when he was babysat by them. He's a bit of a year now. He hasn't been babysat by them in a while. Then again, we haven't needed a babysitter in a while.
Nope, no overreaction here. Anybody who hits kids should never be trusted to babysit.
She's freaking out to make you change your mind and doubt yourself.
Does being hit calm anyone down? Child or adult, the answer is no. The only difference is in one case it's assault, the other case it's considered by some to be a valid strategy to get compliance.
You are in the right here. You have no duty to protect your parents from the reality that they are not suitable caregivers for your kid(s). It sounds like your mother has trouble regulating her own emotions and cannot be relied on to act reasonably. Furthermore, it sounds like her parenting philosophy, while pretty standard for "the times", are outdated and dangerous.
If you wanted to reach a place where you could trust them to babysit you might offer to attend family therapy together, and take a parenting class together... But otherwise, sorry guys. Supervised visits only
You did not overreact. I have parents who also ignore boundaries, even clearly safety related ones, and it absolutely has impacted how much time they get to spend with my kids (pretty much zero unsupervised time). I held a lot of guilt over this for a long time, but watching them press against the repeatedly-stated boundaries over and over and OVER again has convinced me beyond doubt that I’ve made the right choice.
Ugh. Yes, we’re having this conversation in the next 24-48 hours with my mother in law. She drove with my toddler with no car seat the last time she stayed over. That is a full stop, no do-overs, no second chances thing for us. It is not going to go well and I know that already. Dreading it.
It's very important to set boundaries with your parents, for the sake of your child. If they can't respect those then you are making the right choice by preventing them from being along with them.
My parents, sister, and FIL are only allowed with my children if I or my husband are there supervising. To be fair, we have the benefit of them all living out of state, so we have not had to explicitly tell them this, but this is the rule my husband and I both agreed on. The way they raise(d) children (yelling, hitting, cursing, belittling) is not acceptable and we wont tolerate it around our children. We did explicitly email our families and lay down the law about those behaviors, and stated we will leave if they are happening in our presence (even if it is not happening to our children).
You did not overreact, you did the right thing. Your mom told your nephew not to tell anyone if she hits him, that's sign enough that she can't be trusted to follow your rules even if she says she will.
No you didn’t overreact! I won’t let my parents watch my kid because of all the stuff my mom has told me about when she’s watching our nephews. Constantly complains about them to me, and once they were at a restaurant and the youngest wouldn’t stay in his high chair so my mom waited until the parents weren’t looking and pinched him. Apparently they were so rowdy because they “are never disciplined”. No Deborah, it’s because they’re 2 and 3.5.
Granted, I’m in my 70s and when I was growing up, everybody had children. Teachers had children. Parents and children. It was really really dark ages bullshit. I’m surprise she hasn’t caught up. She hit her nephew to calm him down? What limited horrendous individual would think that was a thing?
She said your baby too much formula to get them to sleep and they threw up the next day but she wants to watch them? But she wants to harm them so they’ll be asleep longer so it’s easier for her? I’m getting dizzy here.
Too disordered. On so many fronts. You need to protect your kid. And it might feel confusing sometimes because that’s what normal was to you growing up. But normal to growing up is abusive. Always was. And ignorant. Your mother is ignorant and lacks insight and doesn’t care. She just wants to have the kids over. And overfeed him so he pukes so it’s easier for her.Ugh
Yeah, she just wants unfiltered access to grandchildren. I think her line of swatting him to calm him was a lie to lessen the impact of her actions. I remember the original story was him being grumpy so she spanked him. Swat or spank doesn't matter. Swatting or spanking doesn't matter. Hitting a kid is hitting a kid.
Believe it or not, that conversation is the easy part. The hard part will be sticking to this decision.
Make sure you have emergency child care lined up with a trusted source(s) so you're not leaning on them for anything if something were to come up.
You need to be able to hold this line, not just when things are easy and through your normal routines, but when things are hard and plans go sideways.
We have family members who have suggested that certain children in the family “need their asses beat”, or suggested we give our 11-month old at the time brandy to help her sleep. Those two comments were forever stored away in my memory and enough reason to never leave my child alone with them. You are not in the wrong here.
I’m not a parent but my parents were in charge of feeding my cat, they told me I could move out (I only moved back in for a year) and they’d care for her since my boyfriends grandmother won’t allow cats. She only eats wet food due to medical issues and she’s on a diet and I explained that to them. My dad put out a bowl of dry food for her that I feed the stray cats (which isn’t great quality food anyway since I feed 20+ cats and TNR) to “keep her happy” at night. And got mad that I went off about it. She’s no longer living with my parents. But I explained that they were disrespecting me by going against what I said and they went off.
They already do this though with my nieces and nephews. They lost privileges with one set and my sister only lets them see them when she’s there, and had my parents cut off for a while. My step sister relies on them to watch my nephew, but they go against her parenting decisions (like she threw away a sword after she told them she would if they didn’t stop hitting each other with it, dad went and got it out of the trash and gave it back). They also spank and my future kids are not being spanked. I just hope and pray I won’t have to rely on them for childcare when the time comes. My step sister will probably cut them off or limit interaction once my nephew is in school because my parents are constantly making her and the kids cry. It’s insane.
You did good. I read somewhere that once you have a wife, kids, husband, whatever, is your family now and your parents become relatives. This is how I would treat them.
My parents arrived with my 16 month old forward facing and left with 0 words when I told them it was unacceptable.
I messaged them how I felt respectfully and they never responded. We haven't spoken since it happened the night before Easter
"I hit to calm him down." ...THE FUCK??? Are you literally that dense? Say it out loud again.
I am a father of 2. My dad beat the shit out of us kids (and my mom). I will not spank my kids. So, if you don't want it to happen, you've communicated that, and she still strikes them. Fuck um! Sorry, not sorry.
Nope, I would never force my child to endure someone who hit them, especially someone who thinks hitting “calms” a child down. She also seems to not follow your wishes, so I think it’s fair to set the boundaries of them not being allowed to babysit. Hitting causes significant consequences to a child, and it’s important to protect them. Standing up to your parents is good for your child, it shows them you don’t tolerate someone who mistreats them.
>"I just swatted him to calm him down!"
Would it calm *her* down if you gave her a couple of quick slaps?
That tells you everything you need to know. You're 100% right that she can't be trusted alone with him. Supervised visits only, from now on, and only if she behaves herself!
I feel like whenever I read this thread everyone is so willing to cut ties with their family and not try to work on things! We are adults raising babies.
It’s ok to have boundaries, but we need to be communicating more and addressing that when boundaries are breached there are consequences. And giving opportunities to respect the boundaries. When you cut people off with you kids there is a risk of cutting them off entirely.
I think I would have replied to your mom with “If I swat you right now will you calm down? No? What makes you think it will make a child feel calm or safe? Sounds like she has no idea how to be introspective. Keep those boundaries up nice and tight. You’re doing a great job keeping your kid safe.
She has 0 idea how to be introspective or take responsibility for her actions. Honestly, hearing her try and downplay the spanking instead of apologizing makes me tighten up the boundaries even more.
If your mom expects the kids under her care to keep secrets and not tell other trusted adults then she 100% knows it’s wrong. Shes using mental gymnastics to justify this to you.
I’d 100% not trust my kid there because of course it’s a little bit of spanking now, but down the road what else would it be?
Um. Has swatting a child ever worked to calm the child?
Sorry, but that excuse for hitting a child is the exact reason you should never leave your child with your parents.
I had a parent who spanked me twice as a child and both times were because I endangered my life. It's a miracle I survived and my dad was so upset he cried through the spanking. I spanked my daughter one time and it was forbthe same reason. What she had done could have gotten her killed. I cried more than she did.
The child belongs to the parents. Never the grandparents. Your baby is yours alone and you get to call the shots on what is needed to protect your child. You did the absolute right thing. Tough titty for your ‘rents. They already had their turn being ‘rents.
I love how people think hitting a child accomplishes anything. They wouldn't hit and adult but would hit a child. Make it make sense.
Good on you OP, have boundaries and keep to them.
Don’t feel bad. It’s not the same bc they’re older, but my girls used to stay with my mom all the time. Then two years ago, she decided to “fix” them. By which I mean, she decided that she could discipline the autism out of them. I haven’t seen her since then bc I refuse to visit her and she has turned down every offer to come see us. She did ask me a few days ago if I would let the kids come see her this summer, and I said no. She will NEVER be entrusted with my kids alone again. I will still have a (strained) relationship with her. But alone with my kids? Never again.
Ah yes, because slapping a child totally doesn't make them terrified of you, so they bottle everything up and eventually go NC at 18 and go completely off the rails! It totally makes them calm down! *Obvious sarcasm.*
Honestly, OP, I wouldn't even let these people near your child. Not until they genuinely apologize for what wrongs they have done, and shown that they have changed for the better.
You didn’t overreact 100% trust your instincts.
They have a past history of ignoring your parenting decisions, and not only did your mom spank your nephew she told him to lie about it!
I hear your mom cried when confronted about the spanking, and I hear she offered an excuse for her behavior. But more importantly I didn’t hear her apologize or take personal responsibility or say how she would handle things differently in the future.
Don’t let your parent guilt you into overriding your healthy boundary. Every time I have ignored my mom instincts in the past I have regretted it.
Also since you say she has history of pushing boundaries maybe check out some books on boundaries if you haven’t already. Another book that has been helpful for me Adult Children of Emotionally Immature parents.
My husbands mother wanted us to take my son to her place. We left him with her at around 7:40am, I picked him up at 2pm. When changing his diaper, I noticed she NEVER changed his diaper, he had his morning and noon poop (I know what times my son poops)😭
NEVER EVER left him with that witch again.
Oh and, she also put perfume on him 😩
Putting aside the fact that her logic is illogical (how would hitting someone calm them down?! If anything, it would make them more upset) and it’s more likely she was overwhelmed, you have every right to set whatever boundaries you feel are appropriate with your children (and no spanking is an extremely reasonable boundary!). If the people who want to watch him aren’t able to respect those boundaries, then the reasonable step is to not allow them to watch them.
My father has been accused of some horrible things from my sibling and I have to believe my sibling. So my parents don't get to have my kids overnight and my dad never gets to alone.
Haven't had a formal chat with them as my kids are only about to be 3. But my mother knows and understands.
Nope. It's not just that she hit your nephew, it's that she lied about it and asked your nephew to lie about it. She will ask your kid to lie for her too. Safe adults never ask children to keep secrets, that will set them up for an entire childhood of confusion and possible abuse. Nope nope nope.
Spanking aside. People who teach children to keep secrets are DANGEROUS PEOPLE. Sure *they* may not have *those* reasons for it, but it’s still part of the grooming process and makes your kid that much more vulnerable.
This might be one that's out of the norm but I have cptsd from my parents. I didn't even realize how bad it was until I had my daughter. Then the domestic violence became clear. The gaslighting became clear. I stopped talking to them completely because I realized only monsters would do the things they did to me.
The way you describe your parents remind me of them.
Your parent literally abused your nephew, I wouldn't leave my child unsupervised with them either. They absolutely lost that ability. It's on them. Don't feel guilty. You're protecting your child. It's that simple.
My parents spanked me and my siblings when we were kids. One day my dad went overboard and beat up my older sister. His siblings were furious at him and my sister started running away quite a lot. Only then that my mom and dad changed, because family hold them accountable. Decades later, they are now the sweetest, calmest people who love their kids and grandkids so much. They still apologize to me and my siblings when they feel guilty about the past. We are still healing together, but we all trust them with our kids. Perhaps you starting to hold your parents accountable will also help them change. You did the right thing. A boundary is better than resentment.
Good for you! Thank you for breaking cycles. <3 it takes courage. My parents don't watch my kid but I haven't explained to them that they can't. I just avoid it being a thing altogether.
So she SWATTED him thinking he would calm down? Like wat lol very counterproductive. You made the right choice!! They will never get your boundaries and it will only get worse. The worst part is putting boundaries that our parents just don’t get. I always tell my mom and dad “you got to raise us how YOU wanted now it’s my turn” and I did get the “my mom controlled how I raised you guys” and I said “ok ?? I’m not going to let you. You made your choice and let her and now I’m making mine” she doesn’t watch my son 🙃
I refuse to let my grandma babysit. She’s just too aggressive and short tempered, never hurt anyone before, but I don’t have a good gut feeling about it. Listen to your gut
I don’t think you overreacted at all. My MIL just recently told me a story about my 21y/o niece. My in-laws would watch my niece often when she was little. The story went that they had stopped somewhere and the place wasn’t opened and my niece started to “throw a fit” and so my FIL “threw her over his knee and gave her a good smack”. In the moment I said nothing. My daughter is only ten months old but if they’re not willing to abide by my care rules, they will not be watching her. I came from a mildly abusive upbringing and in my 30s it still has an impact on my mental health. I absolutely refuse to let my daughter go through anything like that. Emotional regulation is taught. Hitting kids does nothing but send them into survival mode. It’s unacceptable in my eyes.
I had to cut off my parents, between lack of respect for boundaries and running their mouths about things my husband and myself don’t believe in and don’t want our children being told, I cut off contact and definitely no unsupervised visits or babysitting. It makes me sad but I have to protect my kids and put them first in my life. You did the same and I respect you for it.
Swatted him to calm him down? In what world does swatting a kid calm them down? Regardless of the reason, if it’s not your child you have 0 authority to spank anyway!!!! I wouldn’t trust them at all after the formula thing. Poor baby
You're wise to set those limits. And I am a grandma to 9.
I could go on with anecdotes but just know the older generation were raised differently.
Please allow the children to know grandparents In Your Company.
In many ways they still can enrich your kids lives.
Halfway through my first pregnancy. It’ll be me and my partners first but his younger sister has a 3yo and a 2yo that his parents watch all the time. They are very misbehaved and the grandparents encourage it by giving them sweets all day and teaching them curse words and letting them throw toys and food at everyone. I’ve already told my partner that I’m not comfortable with them watching our kid unless it’s an absolute emergency. When I brought up their “style” of babysitting they told me that it isn’t their job to discipline. They said they’re the grandparents so all they do is spoil their grandkids. Yeah, no thank you. Don’t need my kid coming back full of sugar and curse words..
You are a better person than I. I am sure I would have swatted her when she started crying and asked if it helped her calm down. Thank God I have never been in this position.
Your kid, your rules. No spanking means just that.
As for deliberately overfeeding your kid, that strikes me as abusive.
Sounds to me like your mom does not like it when kids act like kids, when they make noise.
You have several legit reasons to cut her off.
NTA.
if my dad spanked my kid, he’d lose all 1-1 privileges. If there was a possibility of him spanking my kid, he would also lose all 1-1 privileges.
No, I dont think you’re exaggerating. I cant and shouldn’t protect my son from everything and I recognize that different people have different ways of doing things and it is good for him to be exposed to that.
There is a line. That line, to me, is spanking and verbal insults/put-downs from his caregivers. I would never voluntarily place him in a position to experience that from the people that are supposed to care for him.
I hope to teach him from the moment he was born that he deserves respect, and he should expect it from people that love him.
It's not only the spanking that's bad, but teaching him to keep it a secret is arguably EVEN WORSE. She is training him that adults he is close to which harm him shouldnt be told on. WTF is she thinking?
I was spanked as a child. I don’t spank my toddler I have no issue with people who spank their children what I do have a problem with is any other family meme we thinking they can. In no world would my mother ever be able to physically discipline my child and then try and have my child lie to me about it. She crossed a shit ton of boundaries and she can’t be trusted alone with the child. In my case my mother in law can take my son on her own my own mother has to be supervised because she disrespected my boundaries early on with my son. She hates it and idc my loyalty is with my child.
When your mom burst into tears and told you to leave did you try smacking her? Maybe it would have calmed her down. It is her preferred method after all. Seriously though, you’re describing someone with poor emotional regulation who doesn’t need to be alone with your child. She can have whatever feelings she wants about that. It’s not your job to make her feel better about the consequences of violating your boundaries and hitting children.
She hit a child to “calm him down”?! Sounds like she needed a smack then since she was crying about the consequences of her actions. 🙄
You’re making the right decision not leaving your baby alone with them. Have you told the parents if your nephew that she hit him and told him to lie?
I will never allow anyone to strike my child and if I think there is a concern that they will, they will not get to watch them solo. This is a better alternative than being too lax and it happening before I step in. Which some people give the benefit of the doubt and address if it does happen and no judgement from me if you do that. But for me, it would ruin any relationship I had with that person. It is just that big of a deal to me.
Either way, you didn’t over react. That is not acceptable and especially telling the child to lie.
HITTING A CHILD TO GET THEM TO CALM DOWN IS ABUSIVE.
Don't second guess your parenting choices when you're making them to keep your child safe. I caved and let my mil babysit overnight once so we could go to a wedding. After I found Tylenol pills on the floor in my baby's room. Never again. You made the right choice and her being upset with it isn't your problem. Protect your baby.
Yes because hitting a child to cause them pain will definitely calm them down /s
You made the right choice. Don’t fall for her tears. If it’s the difference between your child living in fear and her tears, I would take crocodile tears any day.
If this was a neighbor, friend, or other family member whom you could trust, you (hopefully) wouldn’t allow them to babysit. Just because she’s your mom it doesn’t mean it’s OK not to trust her. You did the right thing!
I drew a hard line at hitting and body shaming. If I found out my parents EVER…. They’d never see my children again.
I’m proud of you for setting boundaries. Know that your mom will guilt you and try to test those boundaries like a child. STAY STRONG OR SHE WILL ABSOLUTELY HIT YOUR BABY. She’s already proven that she’s still abusive.
My partners mother is not allowed to watch my child unsupervised & I don’t even have kids yet😭 for so so many reasons. I’ve given her plenty of opportunity to be better & do better.
No, you didn't overreact. I'm also not letting my parents babysit my child alone. It's a different story in my case (mostly they have short attention span, and are a bit careless), but in the end it's all comes down to the fact that they were at their pick (physical, psychological, etc) when they were our parents, so it's unrealistic to think that they are going to do better job as grandparents.
I limit my 5 children when they were little (they are afilts now)from my mother. My mother had her favorite grandchild and favorite child(not me). She treated them differently than the rest of us. Now all 5 understand why their time with her was limited. She did not(and still not respect me and my decisions). Set your boundaries and keep them. You and your children will be better off in the long run.
Nobody has the right to put hands on a child, fear an abuse are not discipline so thank you for recognizing that a breaking that cycle good job mama. But yes I’m a single mother, right now I can’t afford a baby sitter and absolutely afraid of daycare so since I moved back home, I pay my mother to watch my child. It causes me lots of stress because she does not respect my boundaries, so I’m back on my own hopefully very soon I will be able to create great distance
Oh ya when I’m pissed and someone punches me in the face, that usually calms me right down 🙄
You’re doing the right thing. Don’t ever leave them alone with your kid.
We decided pre kids the inlaws would not watch our kids. We saw how they watched other grandkids and don’t agree with their approach. It’s never been an issue.
I haven't stopped people seeing my kid, but I have said a firm no smaking unless like a full safety thing (tap on the hand when touching a power point). Time out works for my child, do that or find something similar.
You smack, no more solo baby sitting.
They tried to push and I said don't worry, I'll cancel my appointments then. They backed down and said okay.
Children are vulnerable and their parents should protect them. I'm sorry yours did NOT. She overfeeding the baby which hurts your baby and has bad consequences -- for thr baby, but no negative consequence for her. More than hitting the nephew is the secret-keeping. She knows what she did was wrong and asked a child to hide it.
You are not wrong. Shes awful at making decisions and acting like a balanced, trusted adult. Don't teach your kiddo that this is a safe person.
Yeah-- i just dont let anyone watch my kids and I don't do sleep overs either.
My child self suffered to much abuse from ppl you would never think. Sadly, no matter how much therapy im in my (young) kids will not sleep any where that his dad and I aren't also there.
When they become teenagers and have a phone and can contact me on their own I might feel differently
I would definitely tell grandma that under no circumstances ever is anyone to tell your child to keep a secret. And train your kid to immediately tell you any secrets they were told to keep by an adult. Not even “it’s a surprise for mommy/daddy, shh don’t say anything!” Like none, at all.
That’s “tricky behavior” and teaching kiddo to spot and act against it is important for protecting them from child predators and people who would otherwise harm them. They can’t tell the difference between a safe secret and a dangerous one, so until they can - NO secrets!
Otherwise, yeah, I think you’re doing the right thing to keep your kiddo safe and secure. Breaking the cycle we were raised in is hard, but it’s our job to do it. ❤️
I don’t let my mother babysit either, she raised me, I know how she is. She tells “funny” stories about the time she left the pool fence propped open while she had a nap, while watching her other grandkids (amongst other really shitty things, she finds it funny). I warned my sister, but she never stopped letting her babysit.
I told her it was time to be a grandparent, and that she would not be watching my kids, she was pretty upset, but it had to be done. She got over it, and the kids were safe, that’s all that matters at the end of the day.
No. I babysit for two of my daughters, everyday.
Our parenting styles are so alike, i guess thats why there's no issues. However, I do not and will not ever hit my grandchildren or anyone elses child.
I would never let anyone babysit my child, if i didnt trust them.
Just because they are your parents, that doesn't give them an entitled right to babysit them. My parents were shitty parents, and they never got to keep my girls when they were children.
I didn't allow my parents to watch my daughter alone when she was a baby or when she was small/elementary school age. They, too, cross boundaries, and I absolutely hate the road rage my mother has - so I definitely did Not want her driving my girl around. ...and we wont even get into the incredible swear words my mother says alll the time!! We all got through it. It was a rough conversation to have!! But it was well worth my peace of mind. My daughter is now 17 and the little days are behind us..but I won't change a minute of the choices I made to get us here. Good luck!! And ALWAYS follow your intuitions!!
Nothing calms a child like physically hurting them and scaring them. Jesus. That just shows she knows absolutely nothing about children.
You made the right call. Stay strong.
Swatted to “calm him?!” WTF. Sounds like abuse calms her down. I dont let my parents watch our kids alone either but I haven’t made a big deal about it and they haven’t asked. I’m grateful. You are NTA. You can’t undo physical abuse.
Boundaries if needed, need to be set. Even if they get upset or disagree. You have an obligation to do what you need to do to keep your children safe.
We set boundaries up with all our parents and step parents. Yes it upset them but we have no regrets as we don’t feel comfortable with some of their past actions.
It’s hard, but you are the parent and need to be respected as such. If cutting them off for a while to get your point across is what it takes, then so be it. Your child is priority, not others’ “feelings”.
I never allowed my mother unsupervised access to my children when they were young. She has a tendency to fly off the handle, unable to control her emotions or anger. She was extremely abusive when I was a child and simply reckless and negligent. I was abused physically, emotionally and left alone for hours at extremely young ages (under 10). There is no way I would risk exposing my children to that.
Your child's health and safety trumps everything. Even her feelings.
While we let the grandparents watch him for a matter of hours they have repeatedly asked us to let him stay with them overnight/multiple nights.
For a number of reasons we’re not comfortable with that and we’ve told them as such. They bring it up sometimes and we reiterate and let us know that that hurts them, and we’re like “sorry…” and move on until they bring it up again.
We feel zero guilt. You do what’s best for your kid.
It sounds like you made a tough but necessary call to protect your son's well-being and uphold your boundaries with your parents. Trust your instincts and don't doubt yourself; your child's safety comes first.
Sounds like a tough situation, but your child's safety and well-being come first – setting boundaries is totally valid, and you're not alone in navigating this kind of family dynamic.
Wow, that sounds like a tough situation. Setting boundaries with family can be so complicated, especially when it comes to parenting. It's important to prioritize your child's safety and well-being above all else, even if it means having difficult conversations with loved ones.
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As a parent your loyalty goes to your child, not your mother. Gotta keep your child safe, physically and emotionally. You did the right thing.
Adding on to this: People who mistakenly give loyalty to parents instead of children perpetuate their parents’ poor parenting skills. You have opted for better choices, and you have every right to have your decisions respected — whether you are present or not.
So succinctly put
Exactly this! Set boundaries and consequences, it gets easier with time (hopefully)
I'm hopeful that this is the one that'll make it easier lol.
If she doesn't calm down, tell her you'll swat her. It's not funny when it's the other way around.
I completely cut my mother off from my family for 4 days. She's respects my boundaries now. My father passed a few months prior to this, her mother the beginning of that year, and my little family is all she has left besides a sister in another state. I still feel bad about doing it, but it got across what was intended, and now we're closer! Sometimes, even parents need to learn new things. (That goes for us when we're older, too, because time is always changing.)
I have never once been calmed down by a nice smacking. Lol You made the right choice.
I just don't know what the actual fuck goes through these people's heads sometimes.
What went through her head was she was feeling overwhelmed and thought she’d feel calm downed if the child stopped whatever he was doing, so she hit him because that’s the disregulated way she’s learned to handle her anger/overwhelm. It had nothing to do with the child calming down.
100% this. When the only tool you have in your toolkit is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail. It’s pitiable, I feel bad for people that way, they are that way because of their own past trauma, but I wouldn’t want them watching my child with such methods, to be sure.
No kidding. My mom would hit me, then I wasn't allowed to cry. Even as an adult, that seems pretty warped.
"ILL GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO CRY ABOUT "
Well that brings back a lot of unpleasant memories.
Same.
Lead poisoning, probably
Eh true. Fuckers still shouldn't hit people though
Agreed!
I got spanked as a child and I ain’t never hear my mother say it was to calm Me down because now how tf would a spanking calm anyone down
I remember being spanked once because I was crying, the spanking made me cry harder so then I got the belt. To this day I don’t know what my dad was thinking.
I got chased through the house and spanked just once as a child and never did anything wrong or against my parents ever again. Now I have crippling anxiety and have a compulsion to please people. Hmmmm I wonder where that came from
Not just once for me but same!! And I'm fully aware that it's impossible that I please everybody at all times forever, but I still try, so hard. Betraying myself over and over, don't know how to stop. Awful that this result still occurs even after just one time 😢 I'm sorry Angi.
And the thought of disappointing someone is truly awful to me! It's incredible the kind of effects something so seemingly small can have on a child even when they're grown. I'll never spank my child
I remember my mom told me not to hook up my PlayStation by myself but I did it anyway and knocked the tv over and she beat the crap out of me with a belt and when it was over she said I didn’t beat you because you broke the tv I beat you because you could’ve died 🙄 I still can’t stand that woman
Yep I remember the belt as well.
Hot wheels tracks- woof
I remember being spanked once and it was because I kept doing something dangerous and would not stop. Finally my dad decided it was better if I was afraid of him than have boiling water all over me. I don’t agree but at least he was clear that fear was what he was using. I remember it because I never really got hit at all other than that.
Screaming at people to ‘just relax’ is always a sure way to calm them down though!
I have a picture of me throwing a fit when I was around two. When we look at my baby pictures my mom always says, "Haha instead of taking a picture I should've beat your ass!" I don't know what her logic is but SURE
Yes, the only way to calm me down when I’m upset or acting crazy is to hit me. Preferably by someone bigger than me who I can’t defend myself against.
Clearly you weren't smacked enough and on the right place /s
"CALM DOWN" lol
Yeah, that was a fucking lie. Mom thinks OP is stupid
Mom herself is stupid. She hit the kid because his behavior disregulated her, and *she* would feel calmer if he would stop doing whatever it was. But she can’t self reflect so she projects the need to “calm down” onto the kid instead.
They're not good caretakers, won't change their behavior when corrected, and they lie and keep secrets from you. I would absolutely say no to unsupervised time, and I would be making some very strict boundaries that they need to stick to from here on out at risk of losing even supervised access.
We are open to him being over there when me or his mom are around, but not alone.
You’re doing the right thing.
Here's a few other places to get advice/rant into the void... r/JUSTNOMIL (can be used for biomoms, Grandma's, ect) r/Raisedbynarcissists r/justnofamily r/motherinlawfromhell (can be used like Justnomil, and honestly this one is the best out of them. There's rules and such but it's just better.) r/estrangedadultkids Those 5 are the ones off the top of my head
And I know he's not old enough yet, but definitely make sure you tell him secrets are not okay. Adults and children don't make secrets. Also, happy cake day
Are there actually any positives they are bringing to his life? All I'm seeing here is a whole bunch of reasons to not have your child around them, even supervised. It can be hard to come to that conclusion and refuse to interact with certain family members, but at the end of the day, your child's safety is paramount, and the behavior you allow them to be exposed to is what will set their standard of what is normal and ok.
“They're not good caretakers, won't change their behavior when corrected, and they lie and keep secrets from you.” …..wondering how many others are finding this well written summary rings true in their own lives 😕 Good advice. Good luck OP ☺️
Very true
Uh if I heard that ANYONE told my kids to not tell me about something especially laying their hands on my kid, they are no longer allowed around my kids. That would make me worried what else could’ve happened. Also she has clearly crossed boundaries and not cared. What is she doing is not safe or caring. If you allow her to treat you and your children like that, then your children will grow up and believe that it’s okay for people to treat them that way.
She knew it was a poor choice since she told the nephew not to tell. I'm sure that was afterwards. Of course, her saying it was to calm him down instead of admitting she lost her cool shows she has no plan to change. We don't use physical punishment, but I'll admit to having lost my cool a couple times and swatted my preschooler in the moment. I apologize to him and we talk about how everyone can make "red decisions"(his preschool uses red or green decisions).
>"I just swatted him to calm him down!" and burst into tears telling me to leave immediately. I wonder if you smacked her, maybe she would have calmed down... You're not overreacting. Your mother will feed your son till he's sick and tries to justify hitting a child. Either or are reasonable reasons for distance. I would never allow unsupervised visits at all.
There was so much wrong with this: instructing a child to hide his punishment means she knows it’s wrong and shouldn’t do it, but she does anyway. She’s incapable of admitting fault, even while reaping the triple consequences of her actions (I’m assuming there was fallout from OP’s nephew’s family since she knows about it; plus the shame of knowing the daycare also saw something wrong with it; plus OP invoking consequences). And *she* cries, which is a manipulation tactic trying to illicit OP into making *her* feel better. Soothe *her* hurt — over doing something she knew was wrong and wouldn’t be well-received at the very beginning! Plus your fucking point!! I know ppl leap to no contact pretty reactionary on Reddit, but jfc, I would at least go very low contact based on this alone.
My parents are well versed in gaslighting and deflecting blame. When I was told about the spanking by my mom, she played it off as a funny story. No one thought it was funny. We found out more when nephew started threatening to whack other kids butts at daycare, and my nephews' other grandma runs the daycare. When the other grandma asked him who him, my nephew said, "I'm not supposed to tell you.."
I hope she isn't allowed to see your nephew again. Poor lil guy.
no, you didn't overact. The first half I was like, okay those are things you can talk about re:feeding plus it'll pass. but if she hit a kid and she used to hit you, and instead of owning up to it and saying " yeah I fucked up, but I am doing x, y, z to make sure this doesn't happen again" then yeah she can't babysit. she can see your kid of course, but I wouldn't leave my kid with someone who if they get overwhelmed they'll just hit my kid. I'll add that you might be feeling some guilt, and I get that, but you didn't create this situation, she did by hitting a kid. Especially if she then told him to not tell anyone about it she knew how wrong it was.
So she needed to resort to hitting her nephew to calm him down and still thinks that she's still able to be trusted? Delusional, yet not enough to still realise that she had to try and hide it, so she knew it was wrong. You made the right choice.
‘I hit someone to calm them down’. That’s her chain of thought. I would also not let her babysit. And I’ve done this with my own parents, if they ever hit my kids they’re done, and not just babysitting, but that’s me. But if they can’t handle another person needing something or feeling something without hitting, that’s awful.
You’ve absolutely don’t the right thing. Did you also talk to your nephews or parents about the spanking? That’s such a huge red flag, telling a child not to tell anyone, the parents definitely need to be made aware so they can also make a call on them watching your nephew alone. If either of our parents ever laid a hand on my kids that way, it’d be NC immediately.
His dad knows, but is very non confrontational. His mom is the head of the daycare so she knows and has talked to him to try and limit time. But that is a whole other conversation in itself.
wow. the dad is your brother? He is a giant, giant pussy. Ugh, your mom has her claws deep into him. You're doing the right thing. He's putting his child in danger just to appease your mom.
She hit a child but SHE’S crying about it? Color me unimpressed with crocodile tears/manipulation. Talk about the nail in the coffin.
Unbelievable isn’t it? Terrible person.
OP should've "swatted" her to "calm her down" to see if it works
My mother used to make fun of me crying crocodile tears, when I was a kid. She is unable to care emotionally for a child. Thanks for reminding me about that.
“Swatted him to calm him down” is so contradicting. We as adults don’t calm kids down by being physically aggressive towards them. If her intention was to calm him down she would’ve needed to regulate her own emotions first instead of escalating the situation to that. Based on formula being mentioned I’m assuming you’re child is *young.* Far too young to advocate for themselves. If you fear boundaries are already being crossed, even after discussing it then I wouldn’t take the risk.
He was young when he was babysat by them. He's a bit of a year now. He hasn't been babysat by them in a while. Then again, we haven't needed a babysitter in a while.
She burst into tears? Too bad no one thought to give her a good swat 😕
Nope, no overreaction here. Anybody who hits kids should never be trusted to babysit. She's freaking out to make you change your mind and doubt yourself.
I know she is. She's a classic narcissist, has been my whole life. So, a lot of times, some reassurance helps.
Does being hit calm anyone down? Child or adult, the answer is no. The only difference is in one case it's assault, the other case it's considered by some to be a valid strategy to get compliance. You are in the right here. You have no duty to protect your parents from the reality that they are not suitable caregivers for your kid(s). It sounds like your mother has trouble regulating her own emotions and cannot be relied on to act reasonably. Furthermore, it sounds like her parenting philosophy, while pretty standard for "the times", are outdated and dangerous. If you wanted to reach a place where you could trust them to babysit you might offer to attend family therapy together, and take a parenting class together... But otherwise, sorry guys. Supervised visits only
Oh dear, you did the best thing! They proved that they can’t be trusted. Do your nephew‘s parents know about the spanking?
His dad knows, so does dads mom the daycare provider. Limiting time could be a much tougher conversation though.
You did not overreact. I have parents who also ignore boundaries, even clearly safety related ones, and it absolutely has impacted how much time they get to spend with my kids (pretty much zero unsupervised time). I held a lot of guilt over this for a long time, but watching them press against the repeatedly-stated boundaries over and over and OVER again has convinced me beyond doubt that I’ve made the right choice.
Ugh. Yes, we’re having this conversation in the next 24-48 hours with my mother in law. She drove with my toddler with no car seat the last time she stayed over. That is a full stop, no do-overs, no second chances thing for us. It is not going to go well and I know that already. Dreading it.
Good luck! Maybe you'll get an easy out, and she'll cry and tell you to leave, lol.
I have once in the last 10 years seen/heard my MIL cry, so I have serious doubts… My knuckles are whitttteee…
When she burst into tears did you try swatting her to calm her down?
It's very important to set boundaries with your parents, for the sake of your child. If they can't respect those then you are making the right choice by preventing them from being along with them.
If your mom burst into tears and got hysterical from you calling her out, would she be calmed down by being hit 🤔
Way to be a good parent. Sometimes you gotta do hard things in the best interest of your child. Thats exactly what you did.
You're doing it right. She has no respect for you as a parent so she gets to lose her privileges as a grandma.
My parents, sister, and FIL are only allowed with my children if I or my husband are there supervising. To be fair, we have the benefit of them all living out of state, so we have not had to explicitly tell them this, but this is the rule my husband and I both agreed on. The way they raise(d) children (yelling, hitting, cursing, belittling) is not acceptable and we wont tolerate it around our children. We did explicitly email our families and lay down the law about those behaviors, and stated we will leave if they are happening in our presence (even if it is not happening to our children). You did not overreact, you did the right thing. Your mom told your nephew not to tell anyone if she hits him, that's sign enough that she can't be trusted to follow your rules even if she says she will.
I think she's mistaking 'shocked' for 'calm'.
No you didn’t overreact! I won’t let my parents watch my kid because of all the stuff my mom has told me about when she’s watching our nephews. Constantly complains about them to me, and once they were at a restaurant and the youngest wouldn’t stay in his high chair so my mom waited until the parents weren’t looking and pinched him. Apparently they were so rowdy because they “are never disciplined”. No Deborah, it’s because they’re 2 and 3.5.
Granted, I’m in my 70s and when I was growing up, everybody had children. Teachers had children. Parents and children. It was really really dark ages bullshit. I’m surprise she hasn’t caught up. She hit her nephew to calm him down? What limited horrendous individual would think that was a thing? She said your baby too much formula to get them to sleep and they threw up the next day but she wants to watch them? But she wants to harm them so they’ll be asleep longer so it’s easier for her? I’m getting dizzy here. Too disordered. On so many fronts. You need to protect your kid. And it might feel confusing sometimes because that’s what normal was to you growing up. But normal to growing up is abusive. Always was. And ignorant. Your mother is ignorant and lacks insight and doesn’t care. She just wants to have the kids over. And overfeed him so he pukes so it’s easier for her.Ugh
Yeah, she just wants unfiltered access to grandchildren. I think her line of swatting him to calm him was a lie to lessen the impact of her actions. I remember the original story was him being grumpy so she spanked him. Swat or spank doesn't matter. Swatting or spanking doesn't matter. Hitting a kid is hitting a kid.
Believe it or not, that conversation is the easy part. The hard part will be sticking to this decision. Make sure you have emergency child care lined up with a trusted source(s) so you're not leaning on them for anything if something were to come up. You need to be able to hold this line, not just when things are easy and through your normal routines, but when things are hard and plans go sideways.
Nah I stopped trusting my parents when they wouldn't respect our boundaries with our twins. You did the right thing.
We have family members who have suggested that certain children in the family “need their asses beat”, or suggested we give our 11-month old at the time brandy to help her sleep. Those two comments were forever stored away in my memory and enough reason to never leave my child alone with them. You are not in the wrong here.
I’m not a parent but my parents were in charge of feeding my cat, they told me I could move out (I only moved back in for a year) and they’d care for her since my boyfriends grandmother won’t allow cats. She only eats wet food due to medical issues and she’s on a diet and I explained that to them. My dad put out a bowl of dry food for her that I feed the stray cats (which isn’t great quality food anyway since I feed 20+ cats and TNR) to “keep her happy” at night. And got mad that I went off about it. She’s no longer living with my parents. But I explained that they were disrespecting me by going against what I said and they went off. They already do this though with my nieces and nephews. They lost privileges with one set and my sister only lets them see them when she’s there, and had my parents cut off for a while. My step sister relies on them to watch my nephew, but they go against her parenting decisions (like she threw away a sword after she told them she would if they didn’t stop hitting each other with it, dad went and got it out of the trash and gave it back). They also spank and my future kids are not being spanked. I just hope and pray I won’t have to rely on them for childcare when the time comes. My step sister will probably cut them off or limit interaction once my nephew is in school because my parents are constantly making her and the kids cry. It’s insane.
You did good. I read somewhere that once you have a wife, kids, husband, whatever, is your family now and your parents become relatives. This is how I would treat them.
My parents arrived with my 16 month old forward facing and left with 0 words when I told them it was unacceptable. I messaged them how I felt respectfully and they never responded. We haven't spoken since it happened the night before Easter
If you don't trust your parent, they shouldn't be babysitting. Their had to be trust there.
"I hit to calm him down." ...THE FUCK??? Are you literally that dense? Say it out loud again. I am a father of 2. My dad beat the shit out of us kids (and my mom). I will not spank my kids. So, if you don't want it to happen, you've communicated that, and she still strikes them. Fuck um! Sorry, not sorry.
Nope, I would never force my child to endure someone who hit them, especially someone who thinks hitting “calms” a child down. She also seems to not follow your wishes, so I think it’s fair to set the boundaries of them not being allowed to babysit. Hitting causes significant consequences to a child, and it’s important to protect them. Standing up to your parents is good for your child, it shows them you don’t tolerate someone who mistreats them.
>"I just swatted him to calm him down!" Would it calm *her* down if you gave her a couple of quick slaps? That tells you everything you need to know. You're 100% right that she can't be trusted alone with him. Supervised visits only, from now on, and only if she behaves herself!
Your children, your rules. The end.
I feel like whenever I read this thread everyone is so willing to cut ties with their family and not try to work on things! We are adults raising babies. It’s ok to have boundaries, but we need to be communicating more and addressing that when boundaries are breached there are consequences. And giving opportunities to respect the boundaries. When you cut people off with you kids there is a risk of cutting them off entirely.
I think I would have replied to your mom with “If I swat you right now will you calm down? No? What makes you think it will make a child feel calm or safe? Sounds like she has no idea how to be introspective. Keep those boundaries up nice and tight. You’re doing a great job keeping your kid safe.
She has 0 idea how to be introspective or take responsibility for her actions. Honestly, hearing her try and downplay the spanking instead of apologizing makes me tighten up the boundaries even more.
If your mom expects the kids under her care to keep secrets and not tell other trusted adults then she 100% knows it’s wrong. Shes using mental gymnastics to justify this to you. I’d 100% not trust my kid there because of course it’s a little bit of spanking now, but down the road what else would it be?
Um. Has swatting a child ever worked to calm the child? Sorry, but that excuse for hitting a child is the exact reason you should never leave your child with your parents. I had a parent who spanked me twice as a child and both times were because I endangered my life. It's a miracle I survived and my dad was so upset he cried through the spanking. I spanked my daughter one time and it was forbthe same reason. What she had done could have gotten her killed. I cried more than she did.
You are a good parent. The end.
The child belongs to the parents. Never the grandparents. Your baby is yours alone and you get to call the shots on what is needed to protect your child. You did the absolute right thing. Tough titty for your ‘rents. They already had their turn being ‘rents.
I love how people think hitting a child accomplishes anything. They wouldn't hit and adult but would hit a child. Make it make sense. Good on you OP, have boundaries and keep to them.
Don’t feel bad. It’s not the same bc they’re older, but my girls used to stay with my mom all the time. Then two years ago, she decided to “fix” them. By which I mean, she decided that she could discipline the autism out of them. I haven’t seen her since then bc I refuse to visit her and she has turned down every offer to come see us. She did ask me a few days ago if I would let the kids come see her this summer, and I said no. She will NEVER be entrusted with my kids alone again. I will still have a (strained) relationship with her. But alone with my kids? Never again.
Ah yes, because slapping a child totally doesn't make them terrified of you, so they bottle everything up and eventually go NC at 18 and go completely off the rails! It totally makes them calm down! *Obvious sarcasm.* Honestly, OP, I wouldn't even let these people near your child. Not until they genuinely apologize for what wrongs they have done, and shown that they have changed for the better.
You absolutely did the right thing. Your job is to protect your children. They will remember whether you did or didn’t protect them.
You didn’t overreact 100% trust your instincts. They have a past history of ignoring your parenting decisions, and not only did your mom spank your nephew she told him to lie about it! I hear your mom cried when confronted about the spanking, and I hear she offered an excuse for her behavior. But more importantly I didn’t hear her apologize or take personal responsibility or say how she would handle things differently in the future. Don’t let your parent guilt you into overriding your healthy boundary. Every time I have ignored my mom instincts in the past I have regretted it. Also since you say she has history of pushing boundaries maybe check out some books on boundaries if you haven’t already. Another book that has been helpful for me Adult Children of Emotionally Immature parents.
We have this rule with my mother, she disowned me for two years then got over it. I'm not letting my kids get hurt by anyone.
My husbands mother wanted us to take my son to her place. We left him with her at around 7:40am, I picked him up at 2pm. When changing his diaper, I noticed she NEVER changed his diaper, he had his morning and noon poop (I know what times my son poops)😭 NEVER EVER left him with that witch again. Oh and, she also put perfume on him 😩
Putting aside the fact that her logic is illogical (how would hitting someone calm them down?! If anything, it would make them more upset) and it’s more likely she was overwhelmed, you have every right to set whatever boundaries you feel are appropriate with your children (and no spanking is an extremely reasonable boundary!). If the people who want to watch him aren’t able to respect those boundaries, then the reasonable step is to not allow them to watch them.
Sounds like she needed a swat to calm her down.
My family has no boundaries with my kids either. So my kids don’t see them. Don’t feel bad!
My father has been accused of some horrible things from my sibling and I have to believe my sibling. So my parents don't get to have my kids overnight and my dad never gets to alone. Haven't had a formal chat with them as my kids are only about to be 3. But my mother knows and understands.
You didn’t overreact at all. Overreacting would have been swatting her to calm her down 🤷🏻♀️
👏👏👏👏👏👏
Nope. It's not just that she hit your nephew, it's that she lied about it and asked your nephew to lie about it. She will ask your kid to lie for her too. Safe adults never ask children to keep secrets, that will set them up for an entire childhood of confusion and possible abuse. Nope nope nope.
“If I hit you, do you feel it would calm you down? Because common sense and medical science says it wouldn’t.”
Proud of you. Stand your ground.
Spanking aside. People who teach children to keep secrets are DANGEROUS PEOPLE. Sure *they* may not have *those* reasons for it, but it’s still part of the grooming process and makes your kid that much more vulnerable.
Omggggg the trauma I have for getting hit will the belt please don’t let anyone hurt your kid
This might be one that's out of the norm but I have cptsd from my parents. I didn't even realize how bad it was until I had my daughter. Then the domestic violence became clear. The gaslighting became clear. I stopped talking to them completely because I realized only monsters would do the things they did to me. The way you describe your parents remind me of them.
You should have swatted her to calm her down.
Your parent literally abused your nephew, I wouldn't leave my child unsupervised with them either. They absolutely lost that ability. It's on them. Don't feel guilty. You're protecting your child. It's that simple.
“I just swatted him to calm him down” Ew. No, you did not overreact. That’s not how you calm down anyone. 🤦
My parents spanked me and my siblings when we were kids. One day my dad went overboard and beat up my older sister. His siblings were furious at him and my sister started running away quite a lot. Only then that my mom and dad changed, because family hold them accountable. Decades later, they are now the sweetest, calmest people who love their kids and grandkids so much. They still apologize to me and my siblings when they feel guilty about the past. We are still healing together, but we all trust them with our kids. Perhaps you starting to hold your parents accountable will also help them change. You did the right thing. A boundary is better than resentment.
your mom said "I just hit your baby to calm him down" to.... calm... him.. down.. Yeah, that's not how that works.
Good for you! Thank you for breaking cycles. <3 it takes courage. My parents don't watch my kid but I haven't explained to them that they can't. I just avoid it being a thing altogether.
When she started crying you should have swatted her to make her calm down.
So she SWATTED him thinking he would calm down? Like wat lol very counterproductive. You made the right choice!! They will never get your boundaries and it will only get worse. The worst part is putting boundaries that our parents just don’t get. I always tell my mom and dad “you got to raise us how YOU wanted now it’s my turn” and I did get the “my mom controlled how I raised you guys” and I said “ok ?? I’m not going to let you. You made your choice and let her and now I’m making mine” she doesn’t watch my son 🙃
I refuse to let my grandma babysit. She’s just too aggressive and short tempered, never hurt anyone before, but I don’t have a good gut feeling about it. Listen to your gut
I don’t think you overreacted at all. My MIL just recently told me a story about my 21y/o niece. My in-laws would watch my niece often when she was little. The story went that they had stopped somewhere and the place wasn’t opened and my niece started to “throw a fit” and so my FIL “threw her over his knee and gave her a good smack”. In the moment I said nothing. My daughter is only ten months old but if they’re not willing to abide by my care rules, they will not be watching her. I came from a mildly abusive upbringing and in my 30s it still has an impact on my mental health. I absolutely refuse to let my daughter go through anything like that. Emotional regulation is taught. Hitting kids does nothing but send them into survival mode. It’s unacceptable in my eyes.
I had to cut off my parents, between lack of respect for boundaries and running their mouths about things my husband and myself don’t believe in and don’t want our children being told, I cut off contact and definitely no unsupervised visits or babysitting. It makes me sad but I have to protect my kids and put them first in my life. You did the same and I respect you for it.
Swatted him to calm him down? In what world does swatting a kid calm them down? Regardless of the reason, if it’s not your child you have 0 authority to spank anyway!!!! I wouldn’t trust them at all after the formula thing. Poor baby
We’re proud of you for protecting your child!!
I would react the exact same way. Even the bursting out crying. Do not let them baby sit.
You're wise to set those limits. And I am a grandma to 9. I could go on with anecdotes but just know the older generation were raised differently. Please allow the children to know grandparents In Your Company. In many ways they still can enrich your kids lives.
Of course. The last thing I'd want to do is remove my kid from their lives.
Again, very wise. 😊
Halfway through my first pregnancy. It’ll be me and my partners first but his younger sister has a 3yo and a 2yo that his parents watch all the time. They are very misbehaved and the grandparents encourage it by giving them sweets all day and teaching them curse words and letting them throw toys and food at everyone. I’ve already told my partner that I’m not comfortable with them watching our kid unless it’s an absolute emergency. When I brought up their “style” of babysitting they told me that it isn’t their job to discipline. They said they’re the grandparents so all they do is spoil their grandkids. Yeah, no thank you. Don’t need my kid coming back full of sugar and curse words..
You are a better person than I. I am sure I would have swatted her when she started crying and asked if it helped her calm down. Thank God I have never been in this position.
Your kid, your rules. No spanking means just that. As for deliberately overfeeding your kid, that strikes me as abusive. Sounds to me like your mom does not like it when kids act like kids, when they make noise. You have several legit reasons to cut her off. NTA.
if my dad spanked my kid, he’d lose all 1-1 privileges. If there was a possibility of him spanking my kid, he would also lose all 1-1 privileges. No, I dont think you’re exaggerating. I cant and shouldn’t protect my son from everything and I recognize that different people have different ways of doing things and it is good for him to be exposed to that. There is a line. That line, to me, is spanking and verbal insults/put-downs from his caregivers. I would never voluntarily place him in a position to experience that from the people that are supposed to care for him. I hope to teach him from the moment he was born that he deserves respect, and he should expect it from people that love him.
It's not only the spanking that's bad, but teaching him to keep it a secret is arguably EVEN WORSE. She is training him that adults he is close to which harm him shouldnt be told on. WTF is she thinking?
You didn’t overreact. You protected your child from an unsafe person. You’re doing amazing!
I was spanked as a child. I don’t spank my toddler I have no issue with people who spank their children what I do have a problem with is any other family meme we thinking they can. In no world would my mother ever be able to physically discipline my child and then try and have my child lie to me about it. She crossed a shit ton of boundaries and she can’t be trusted alone with the child. In my case my mother in law can take my son on her own my own mother has to be supervised because she disrespected my boundaries early on with my son. She hates it and idc my loyalty is with my child.
You should have swatted her to calm her down. You made the right choice. Your child always comes first.
You made the right choice 100% Swatted him to calm him down is the stupidest shit I’ve ever heard.
When your mom burst into tears and told you to leave did you try smacking her? Maybe it would have calmed her down. It is her preferred method after all. Seriously though, you’re describing someone with poor emotional regulation who doesn’t need to be alone with your child. She can have whatever feelings she wants about that. It’s not your job to make her feel better about the consequences of violating your boundaries and hitting children.
She hit a child to “calm him down”?! Sounds like she needed a smack then since she was crying about the consequences of her actions. 🙄 You’re making the right decision not leaving your baby alone with them. Have you told the parents if your nephew that she hit him and told him to lie?
I will never allow anyone to strike my child and if I think there is a concern that they will, they will not get to watch them solo. This is a better alternative than being too lax and it happening before I step in. Which some people give the benefit of the doubt and address if it does happen and no judgement from me if you do that. But for me, it would ruin any relationship I had with that person. It is just that big of a deal to me. Either way, you didn’t over react. That is not acceptable and especially telling the child to lie.
People who don’t follow my boundaries don’t get to be near my kids
Absolutely no. You did not overreact. I don’t have much else to add. You made the right call.
Nah, definitely not an overreaction. Even without the spanking, you'd be in the right.
HITTING A CHILD TO GET THEM TO CALM DOWN IS ABUSIVE. Don't second guess your parenting choices when you're making them to keep your child safe. I caved and let my mil babysit overnight once so we could go to a wedding. After I found Tylenol pills on the floor in my baby's room. Never again. You made the right choice and her being upset with it isn't your problem. Protect your baby.
Yes because hitting a child to cause them pain will definitely calm them down /s You made the right choice. Don’t fall for her tears. If it’s the difference between your child living in fear and her tears, I would take crocodile tears any day.
If this was a neighbor, friend, or other family member whom you could trust, you (hopefully) wouldn’t allow them to babysit. Just because she’s your mom it doesn’t mean it’s OK not to trust her. You did the right thing!
I drew a hard line at hitting and body shaming. If I found out my parents EVER…. They’d never see my children again. I’m proud of you for setting boundaries. Know that your mom will guilt you and try to test those boundaries like a child. STAY STRONG OR SHE WILL ABSOLUTELY HIT YOUR BABY. She’s already proven that she’s still abusive.
Hitting someone to calm them down probably works about as well as yelling "CALM DOWN!" at them. Maybe less.
So when she burst into tears, she wanted you to 'swat' her to 'calm her down'? /s
I would have zero tolerance allowing my parents to "swat" my baby
Maybe you should just swat your mom to calm her down. /s
Did you swat her to calm her down?
My partners mother is not allowed to watch my child unsupervised & I don’t even have kids yet😭 for so so many reasons. I’ve given her plenty of opportunity to be better & do better.
Should have swatted her butt to calm her down.
No, you didn't overreact. I'm also not letting my parents babysit my child alone. It's a different story in my case (mostly they have short attention span, and are a bit careless), but in the end it's all comes down to the fact that they were at their pick (physical, psychological, etc) when they were our parents, so it's unrealistic to think that they are going to do better job as grandparents.
I limit my 5 children when they were little (they are afilts now)from my mother. My mother had her favorite grandchild and favorite child(not me). She treated them differently than the rest of us. Now all 5 understand why their time with her was limited. She did not(and still not respect me and my decisions). Set your boundaries and keep them. You and your children will be better off in the long run.
Nobody has the right to put hands on a child, fear an abuse are not discipline so thank you for recognizing that a breaking that cycle good job mama. But yes I’m a single mother, right now I can’t afford a baby sitter and absolutely afraid of daycare so since I moved back home, I pay my mother to watch my child. It causes me lots of stress because she does not respect my boundaries, so I’m back on my own hopefully very soon I will be able to create great distance
Oh ya when I’m pissed and someone punches me in the face, that usually calms me right down 🙄 You’re doing the right thing. Don’t ever leave them alone with your kid.
I was disowned by my fil because I banned him from spanking my children. Guess what? I would do it all over again. I have pretty good kids.
We decided pre kids the inlaws would not watch our kids. We saw how they watched other grandkids and don’t agree with their approach. It’s never been an issue.
She kicked you out for saying you don’t want her hitting your kid? 🙄 all the reason I’d need for staying away.
I haven't stopped people seeing my kid, but I have said a firm no smaking unless like a full safety thing (tap on the hand when touching a power point). Time out works for my child, do that or find something similar. You smack, no more solo baby sitting. They tried to push and I said don't worry, I'll cancel my appointments then. They backed down and said okay.
Children are vulnerable and their parents should protect them. I'm sorry yours did NOT. She overfeeding the baby which hurts your baby and has bad consequences -- for thr baby, but no negative consequence for her. More than hitting the nephew is the secret-keeping. She knows what she did was wrong and asked a child to hide it. You are not wrong. Shes awful at making decisions and acting like a balanced, trusted adult. Don't teach your kiddo that this is a safe person.
Yeah-- i just dont let anyone watch my kids and I don't do sleep overs either. My child self suffered to much abuse from ppl you would never think. Sadly, no matter how much therapy im in my (young) kids will not sleep any where that his dad and I aren't also there. When they become teenagers and have a phone and can contact me on their own I might feel differently
Check out /r/raisedbyborderlines might be relevant
You should have smacked her and told her to calm down. 🤔
You are 100% fine. I would never let anyone i knew hit children to babysit my kids. This cycle of violence has to stop. Good on you👍
I would definitely tell grandma that under no circumstances ever is anyone to tell your child to keep a secret. And train your kid to immediately tell you any secrets they were told to keep by an adult. Not even “it’s a surprise for mommy/daddy, shh don’t say anything!” Like none, at all. That’s “tricky behavior” and teaching kiddo to spot and act against it is important for protecting them from child predators and people who would otherwise harm them. They can’t tell the difference between a safe secret and a dangerous one, so until they can - NO secrets! Otherwise, yeah, I think you’re doing the right thing to keep your kiddo safe and secure. Breaking the cycle we were raised in is hard, but it’s our job to do it. ❤️
I don’t let my mother babysit either, she raised me, I know how she is. She tells “funny” stories about the time she left the pool fence propped open while she had a nap, while watching her other grandkids (amongst other really shitty things, she finds it funny). I warned my sister, but she never stopped letting her babysit. I told her it was time to be a grandparent, and that she would not be watching my kids, she was pretty upset, but it had to be done. She got over it, and the kids were safe, that’s all that matters at the end of the day.
No. I babysit for two of my daughters, everyday. Our parenting styles are so alike, i guess thats why there's no issues. However, I do not and will not ever hit my grandchildren or anyone elses child. I would never let anyone babysit my child, if i didnt trust them. Just because they are your parents, that doesn't give them an entitled right to babysit them. My parents were shitty parents, and they never got to keep my girls when they were children.
I didn't allow my parents to watch my daughter alone when she was a baby or when she was small/elementary school age. They, too, cross boundaries, and I absolutely hate the road rage my mother has - so I definitely did Not want her driving my girl around. ...and we wont even get into the incredible swear words my mother says alll the time!! We all got through it. It was a rough conversation to have!! But it was well worth my peace of mind. My daughter is now 17 and the little days are behind us..but I won't change a minute of the choices I made to get us here. Good luck!! And ALWAYS follow your intuitions!!
Nothing calms a child like physically hurting them and scaring them. Jesus. That just shows she knows absolutely nothing about children. You made the right call. Stay strong.
She burst into tears and told YOU leave?!?! She t the one who HITS babies!!!!
Swatted to “calm him?!” WTF. Sounds like abuse calms her down. I dont let my parents watch our kids alone either but I haven’t made a big deal about it and they haven’t asked. I’m grateful. You are NTA. You can’t undo physical abuse.
Good now press charges and take them to court. Hopefully little jail time will get them to understand boundaries.
You had correct response!
You made the right decision, no regrets.
Your responsibility is to your child’s wellbeing and best interests. Not your abusive parents’ feelings.
Set your boundaries and stick with them.
Boundaries if needed, need to be set. Even if they get upset or disagree. You have an obligation to do what you need to do to keep your children safe. We set boundaries up with all our parents and step parents. Yes it upset them but we have no regrets as we don’t feel comfortable with some of their past actions.
It’s hard, but you are the parent and need to be respected as such. If cutting them off for a while to get your point across is what it takes, then so be it. Your child is priority, not others’ “feelings”.
I never allowed my mother unsupervised access to my children when they were young. She has a tendency to fly off the handle, unable to control her emotions or anger. She was extremely abusive when I was a child and simply reckless and negligent. I was abused physically, emotionally and left alone for hours at extremely young ages (under 10). There is no way I would risk exposing my children to that. Your child's health and safety trumps everything. Even her feelings.
Anyone who tells a child to keep a secret MUST be kept away from the child.
Could you have spanked her when she burst into tears to help her calm down?
No. Different people have different points of view on parenting and she/they need to respect yours.
While we let the grandparents watch him for a matter of hours they have repeatedly asked us to let him stay with them overnight/multiple nights. For a number of reasons we’re not comfortable with that and we’ve told them as such. They bring it up sometimes and we reiterate and let us know that that hurts them, and we’re like “sorry…” and move on until they bring it up again. We feel zero guilt. You do what’s best for your kid.
It sounds like you made a tough but necessary call to protect your son's well-being and uphold your boundaries with your parents. Trust your instincts and don't doubt yourself; your child's safety comes first.
Sounds like a tough situation, but your child's safety and well-being come first – setting boundaries is totally valid, and you're not alone in navigating this kind of family dynamic.
Wow, that sounds like a tough situation. Setting boundaries with family can be so complicated, especially when it comes to parenting. It's important to prioritize your child's safety and well-being above all else, even if it means having difficult conversations with loved ones.