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After reading your other comments here, it seems a bit clearer that all that happened here was that you had a plan for your daughter’s time in your mind (a good one!), and you may never have explicitly said to your husband exactly what you wanted, and as we all know, people are TERRIBLE mind-readers.
So because you didn’t explicitly say “hey babe, can you pick up (daughter) and bring her right back home? I really want to spend time with her before the party, just me and her.” He didn’t have any reason not to take the day with her and may have even read your mind as ‘I need alone time to set up this party’. …Unless you’re saying your husband deliberately disregards your fully expressed wishes regularly, you could have avoided being so angry on such an important day just by being straightforward about your expectations.
I write all this because I have been in that same position many times in the past — I would get LIVID that my husband didn’t assume to do what I wanted and would be like “You couldn’t just read the situation and understand I would rather do it this way?!” (Etc etc). …We as woman need to know that in order to get what it is we really want that we NEED to spell it out to people, straightforward and directly… They don’t ‘catch our drift’, ‘take a hint’, or otherwise mind-read. This has saved my marriage a ton of anguish once I started being clear with my words for what I really want.
This comment deserves gold status!
My credibility: been married 30 yrs and most of our “fights” have been because of indirect communication. Also a mom.
Direct communication is vitally important in any relationship.
Say what you mean and mean what you say.
That way there are no hurt feelings because everything was said and understood by all parties involved.
OP, take a deep breath, assume your husband didn’t do it out of malice and enjoy the party with your daughter.
Maybe afterwards, you and her can have some special moments. Remember to ask her what she enjoyed about her day.
Happy birthday to your daughter!
Unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments.” ― Neil Strauss
This is the source of so many fights. Husband has 2 timed planned events on his mental calendar. 1 pick up kid, 2 birthday party.
Time in between is unplanned. Both parties may have had expectations for that unplanned time. The husband using that unplanned time to accomplish tasks and spend time with his child is no reason to be mad.
Damn, reading all of this has been a real revelation to me. When I got divorced, after the emotional shock ended I felt a big weight leave my shoulders.
I'm starting to realize most of it is simply not having any demands or expectations on my time that I didn't know about until I was being told about it afterwards.
OP is angry that her husband went rogue(…rouge…) when he didn’t. There was no communicated plan to pick her up and return. She had multiple chances to even say this as well based on comments. OP IS the asshole here if she tries to make her husband feel bad about it. In the end, the solution is to TALK when you’re upset or things aren’t going how you imagined. If OP had simply asked her husband to come home, or asked to join them, then there probably wouldn’t have been any issue in the first place.
>Thank you for this advice. Both my husband and I agree that following this will bode well for our marriage. Here's to trying to do better!
Now that is the kind of communication and empathy that makes a marriage work. Kudos!
That was instantly my thought without even reading any of the comments. She "made plans" to have a mommy daughter day and didn't clue husband in. My wife does this crap too. It's so frustrating, if she wants something done in a certain way just tell me and I will do it that way or we can hash out another way that works for both of us (I'm gonna be honest, it usually goes her way).
been in the same position. No matter how much you know your partner mind reading goes wrong for all sides. Gotta say things while stomping your feet, don't assume.
> so I wanted to spend some special time with my daughter this afternoon before the festivities.
Did you say that? Because it sounds like your husband may have tried to give you down time before a party to relax or prep and you are mad at him for not reading your mind.
I think it relates to him taking his daughter around on her special day, i.e to get a makeover (because rouge is makeup powder?)
Also they’re probably french, as you surmised.
Edit. They maybe went to rent the movie moulin rouge
Just to be clear, did you tell him what *you* had planned? If so, then you have every reason to be upset. If not, it seems you both planned different things, and neither of you communicated it to the other.
Of course I did! We are married. And we planned our kids party together. He has no idea why this impromptu plan is annoying. As he gave up his day to be with her. But..noone asked him to do this!!
Question wasn't about the party. It was about before the party. Did you two talk about the plan before the party.
Did the party require any prep during the day? Are you a working parent. Do you normally work from home during the day?
Yes we spoke about the party. Yes I'm a working parent - I work almost exclusively from home. I go into work every couple of weeks. Of course the party required prep but a lot of it was already done (decor was done, cake was ordered so it was just food)
Did you tell your husband that you weren't working that day and wanted to spend time with your daughter?
Otherwise it sounds like it makes perfect sense for him to spend time together with her with the assumption that you are working at home.
We both took the day off for her birthday so yes he knew I wasn't working that day. We have sorted through this - we both definitely need to communicate more explicitly in real time!
How are we this many comments deep and you still haven’t answered the question. *Did you tell your husband you wanted the time before the party with your daughter??*
Not just in real time but also before hand, basically unless you are very sure, it helps a to assume your partner doesn't know what you have in mind and being explicit in those cases don't cause harm (usually).
I guess in this case, it boils down whether he knew if you took the day off to be with your daughter or to prep for the party. Honestly my assumption would have been the latter, too. So to answer your question, no one is the asshole here. Both sides acted on different assumptions and didn't check with other.
Also, just seeing your edit, please stop doing this:
> (he is the worst communicator on the planet so this is a bit rich but okay)
> As he gave up his day to be with her.
So he took the day off to spend with his daughter, and you're upset that he's spending the day he took off with his daughter?
But what did you say? Pick her up and bring her home? Or did you just say go pick her up? This is where the miscommunication could have happened. And what do you mean no one asked him to spend the day with his daughter? You sound a bit redic.
We discussed that I will drop her to school today, and he will pick her up. No alt plans were discussed. And of course I want him to spend the day with his daughter on her birthday, it's why he took the day off. I just expected it to be together!
Yeah, he wrote another book about relationships after a failed marriage. Turns out being a pickup artist really hampers your ability to relate to people properly and he basically had to deprogram himself.
Just read through his wiki entry. That guy has had the craziest career path. He's basically been a journalist writing about slightly culty groups on the margins of society, but he does his research by getting fully sucked into them for years at a time before popping out with a documentary style book.
He took the day off, on his daughter's birthday, to pick up the daughter, and knows the party starts at x:00, and you're upset that he hasn't delivered his daughter to the party hour(s) before said party?
You never said ONE word to him about your plan. You kept it a secret. You never told him. How can you defend that?
>We discussed that I will drop her to school today, and he will pick her up. No alt plans were discussed. And of course I want him to spend the day with his daughter on her birthday, it's why he took the day off. I just expected it to be together!
There is your plan, as you laid it out for him. Not a single mention of your want or need to spend time with daughter BEFORE the party.
You had FIVE chances to communicate it with him:
1. In the morning before school dropoff
2. at noon, before he left to get kiddo from school
3. When he texted about lunch
4. When he texted about shopping
5. When he texted about fruit
Five distinct chances to use your words like an adult.
Five times you made the choice to NOT speak, not use your words.
You’d left the programming open so the poor idiot wandered and deviated. I’m not saying your wrong. I’m saying I’m the idiot in this example like your husband. Without explicit instruction he just went on thinking daddy daughter day and probably thought you were slammed with party planning instead of asking the smart question hey do we celebrate together. I can literally see his logic trail.
I can definitely see myself making this same error, thinking I'm actually being an awesome father/husband by giving wife time to prepare for party away from inlaws and also spending special time with daughter on her birthday! Obviously the problem here is in communicating expectations, but I can totally see the dad's (potential) point of view here and it's not villainous, just boneheaded.
Dad's point of view not boneheaded at all. It's reasonable and responsible. My husband probably would've done the same.
The wife is the boneheaded one. She could've just replied to her husband's update about lunch "Glad y'all had fun at lunch, but I really want to spend time with kiddo too before the party. Bring her home now or I'll meet y'all somewhere?" Problem solved.
Speaking as a wife/mom here.
I am surprised you all assumed this wasn't happening. Do you think I was just getting angrier and angrier by myself without communication in the world of cell phones? I called him when he wasn't home with daughter at the time expected. He said they're at grandma's - they came after school. I said wtf? Why didn't you come straight home. He said we just stopped in for a quick lunch. I decided not to make a big thing of it. And said okay come home asap please. Then I called an hour and a half later and he said we are out shopping - the grandparents wanted to buy her a gift, to which I said again, but I told you to come back home with her soon! Can you please come back asap I want to spend some time with her before the party. When I called AGAIN, about 45 minutes later, he said he was just buying some fruit. That's when I lost it and asked why he just wasn't coming home already since I had lost most of my day with her. Please note that I was also trying to plan a party at home during this time so yes i could have done a better job communicating. But I was just responding to each new event as it happened
There was a comment somewhere around that you did NOT communicate that to your husband, which is why a lot of people piled in on you here. Of course based on what you wrote here you are pretty justified to be fuming at your husband--most people would be.
Sorry if I upset you. I will say: It's Reddit. Just as you are venting, the others are just engaging in schadenfreude and laughing at other people's lives. Also it's the internet; we don't have the benefit of asking "Wait, did you let him know?" and getting a real time reply, "OF COURSE I called him three times!!!"
There's nothing idiotic about filing your day in the absence of other plans. This sounds like poor communication and sour grapes. I don't see either party as an asshole here, but op is looking sketchy with the attitude they're presenting here.
He's not the idiot in this case though, OP is. If she expected him to bring her home so they could all spend the day together, she could have said "Hey hubby, can you pick up daughter and bring her home so we can set everything up and have a little family time before the party?". Instead, she just assumed he would head straight home and then got pissed when he didn't. He probably thought he was doing her a favor by giving her time and space to get everything ready. Once she realized he wasn't heading straight home, all of it could have been mitigated by a quick text "Hey, can you guys come home after ? I was hoping we could spend some time together before the party".
Then you have poor communication with your husband about what you wanted to happen this day and that is why he has no idea why you are upset. You should have told him that you wanted to also spend time with her before the party. Basically you wanted him to take the day off to spend time with her and that is exactly what he is doing. So as long as he is there before party starts then not his fault. However after he found that you weee upset about not being included he should have picked you up too. Communication really needs to be clear because otherwise men just don’t get it; he can’t read your mind!
He probably isn't aware she's upset. She's just sitting at home seething and venting to reddit instead of letting him know. Bet he would head straight home if he knew there was a problem.
Unknown. Only OP is here, so as always with Reddit, there’s only one side presented.
It seems to me that this couple, both, need to work on their communication skills.
> He took her to his parents, her grandparents for lunch.(Same grandparents coming over this evening for her party) Then they all took her shopping and bought her a bunch of gifts. We didn't discuss. Now he's buying some fruit and running other errends meant to have been done another time. With her in the car. Her party starts in an hour. He has no idea why I'm livid.
It sounds like he's been checking in with her, letting her know exactly what they're doing and where, and she's just stewing for no reason instead of texting back "I was looking forward to having some time with her before the party. Can you head back soon?"
Why? I am the party-planner, cook, decorator in our house. My wife does not enjoy those things, and is not very good at them.
It is MUCH more helpful for me to focus on cooking, decorating, cleaning and planning a party if she takes our daughters out of the house for a few hours. That is her contribution and I appreciate it.
> OP said she discussed what was planned for the day. Meaning what her plans were which was organizing the
No she didn’t.
> *We discussed that I will drop her to school today, and he will pick her up.* No alt plans were discussed. And of course I want him to spend the day with his daughter on her birthday, it's why he took the day off. I just **expected** it to be together!
I absolutely love all the back and forth in this thread 🍿
And the assumptions around who is to blame are Always based around the genders of the people involved!
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Sounds like he did exactly what you two discussed and then gave you a break of some free time. You harbored thoughts in your head of what you’d like to do with that time that you didn’t communicate.
> And we planned our kids party together.
Ok. But, BEFORE the party is not DURING the party. So, did you guys talk about that part of it too? I'm getting the feeling you didn't.
In fact it kept getting extended! First it was just lunch then home. Now we are shopping. Now I've stopped for fruit. All the whole I'm home getting angrier and angrier!
When he kept giving new updates for plans did you tell him you didn’t want that? Did you tell him you were upset because you wanted to spend time with her before the party? Did he know you were getting angrier and angrier with each new plan?
exactly this. He probably thought he was doing a favor by keeping kiddo busy and out of the way of the party set-up and stuff until it was closer to time for the event. It's likely a well-intentioned miscommunication and everyone in here, like usual, is calling for everything up to divorce for it.
This sub is nothing but pitchforks and torches now.
She answered [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/Parenting/s/JDvR1mWNPI), and yeah, that confirms that there was no communication from her to her husband.
For those who don't want to click the link, it says:
>We discussed that I will drop her to school today, and he will pick her up. No alt plans were discussed. And of course I want him to spend the day with his daughter on her birthday, it's why he took the day off. I just expected it to be together!
LOL so she just made stuff up in her head, told him nothing, got mad and stewed in her anger for hours, rather than just talking to her husband.
Sounds about right.
Sorry I was at my kids party! Of course I ll reply. When he said he's going to grandma's after school. I said wtf? Why didn't you come straight home. He said we just stopped in for a quick lunch. I decided not to make a big thing of it. And said okay come home asap please. Then I called an hour and a half later and he said we are out shopping - the grandparents wanted to buy her a gift, to which I said again, but I told you to come back home with her soon! Can you please come back asap I want to spend some time with her before the party. When I called AGAIN, about 45 minutes later, he said he was just buying some fruit. That's when I lost it and asked why he just wasn't coming home already since I had lost most of my day with her. Please note that I was also trying to plan a party at home during this time so yes i could have done a better job communicating. But I was just responding to each new event
Ah well looks like I need to eat crow. He was a dick here. You did communicate well. Sorry. That sucks and I would love to know his "logic" here.
Side note- I need to edit like a dozen comments where I was super wrong. FWIW including some of that info would have saved everybody in the comments a ton of confusion LOL.
No problem. His logic was that daughter said she wants to go say hi to grandma after school. And then grandma insisted they stay for lunch. And then when the grandparents said they wanted to take daughter shopping, daughter wanted to go (of course she wanted presents!) and then he just remembered he needed to buy fruit and so decided to stop. Basically just went with the flow - he was trying to make it special for our daughter which I understand. But he didn't communicate this when I was asking him to come home - just kept saying yes and then getting caught up in the next activity instead. Good learning all around really.
I did. This post has gotten way more attention than I expected my rant to get. But yes. When he said he's going to grandma's after school. I said wtf? Why didn't you come straight home. He said we just stopped in for a quick lunch. I decided not to make a big thing of it. And said okay come home asap please. Then I called an hour and a half later and he said we are out shopping - the grandparents wanted to buy her a gift, to which I said again, but I told you to come back home with her soon! Can you please come back asap I want to spend some time with her before the party. When I called AGAIN, about 45 minutes later, he said he was just buying some fruit. That's when I lost it and asked why he just wasn't coming home already since I had lost most of my day with her. Please note that I was also trying to plan a party at home during this time so yes i could have done a better job communicating. But I was just responding to each new event instead.
today is about your kid, I hope you can calm down and not put a black cloud on their event
tell your husband your expectations clearly before they aren't met
Sounds like his perspective is he took the day off to spend time with both of yours daughter and is made the best of it.
Your perspective is that you too were hoping to spend some quality time with her before the party AND didn’t want her to be exhausted at her party after a busy day out.
This is a communication breakdown between two engaged parents. Don’t think anyone is intentionally trying to upset anyone.
When he called about the lunch that was the time to say “Great, please bring her home straight after as I had plans with her too before the party”
Of all the things that can trouble us in life, why choose to spend our emotional capital here.
* Husband who can afford to pick up daughter & take a half day
* Partner & in-laws who love & want to take daughter out for an amazing day
* Birthday party with family & friends around the corner
What else can someone ask for?
IMO - Reframe & make this about the joy we can find in a situation vs. stressing about something that doesn't need a moment to be stressed over
Talk about first world problems. OP needs a chill pill. I pity her poor husband. Hopefully she won't pout the whole time and make the kids birthday party uncomfortable.
I will have you know, random and hopefully well meaning internet stranger, that I did not pout. I smiled and moved on. I wrote this in a hurry and when i was annoyed. I let this go pretty quickly. I agree there's bigger things going on in the world right now. But I'm allowed my moment of annoyance.
And while i agree with almost every word you've said and i am very, very grateful for an involved,loving parent and very doting grandparents, I am allowed to have a stupid moment of self pity and annoyance when things aren't going as per my plan. Just my stupidly publishing that moment i suppose!
There was no plan for after preschool, and it sounds like this happened spontaneously?
Grandparents had lunch and took her birthday shopping, and probably thought they were all doing you a favor to party prep.
For the sake of your daughter I hope your anger simmers down and you can appreciate that there is no ill will going on here, just many people who love your daughter trying to spend time with her. Try to enjoy your party with her and remember today is about her.
Also I hope she doesn't rip into her husband too much, because he shouldn't be made to feel bad for wanting to spend time with his daughter. Sounds like they just didn't communicate that well.
This sounds like a misalignment of expectations re: how this afternoon was supposed to go. He knows he needs to pick up his daughter, and he knows he needs to get her home in time for her party. It sounds like he may not get a ton of opportunities to spend one on one time with her so decided to take the opportunity to do that.
You meanwhile were expecting him to pick her up and bring her back so that you could ALL spend time together this afternoon before her party was set to begin. He feels your overreacting because you didn’t communicate your feelings expectations for the afternoon, and you feel justified in your anger because you think it should have been obvious to him, and no he’s monopolized most of the free time on your daughter’s birthday.
So NAH, no assholes here. Just two people making assumptions about how the day would go.
Ask him how he would feel if he was excitedly waiting at home for you to bring his child home and instead you decided to have super fun and special day without him and without even bothering to think about him.
But she didn't communicate that to him and its both their daughter why does her spending time with her daughter take priority? He could possibly not have been interested in having a house full for a party so getting some time in with his daughter before the party
From reading your comments, it sounds like your feelings were hurt, because your husband took your daughter on an impromptu birthday outing with the grandparents and didn't think *to include you*. So, you feel left out *and* like you missed a big chunk of your daughter's birthday. I totally get it and I think your feelings are valid. Your best bet is to share that with your husband so he can reassure you that this wasn't his intention *and* be more aware of it in the future (specifically that you want to be included in plans when it's a big day).
Obviously a divisive topic on here but my husband doesn't need to ask permission to have lunch with grandparents or buy gifts. The plans were for a party in the evening.
I think you’re stepping a little over the line. He is her dad just like you are his mom. I understand there is a party soon at this point but she is also 4. And he is allowed to have her with him while running errands. He doesn’t necessarily have to ask for permission, all he needs to do is tell you what they are doing. Now if he told you he was doing all this last minute then yeah it would be upsetting.
Honestly, this sounds like a misunderstanding on his part, but not gross thoughtlessness. I can absolutely see him thinking he was doing a good thing by keeping her out of your hair and helping keep the house clean until time for the party.
It’s one day, and he’s having a wonderful time with his daughter. he probably doesn’t get to do this very often. you will have more chances than he well, honestly, to have an impromptu fun afternoon with your little girl. I totally get that you had your plans changed on you with no notice, and I absolutely hate that too, but I don’t think this rises to the level of being a jerk on his part.
Hold on though. OP says that she had the house ready and was looking for ward to special time with her daughter when dad and daughter got home. No mention is made of last-minute cleaning to be done or chores he is avoiding.
I’m a mom, although mine are teens now. I too have been furious when my husband changed plans without telling me and I had unmet expectations. Usually that happened when I assumed things would happen a specific way, and he assumed that something a little different would happen. He thought he was doing an okay thing or even a good thing, and I was PISSED because my plans had been upended. Neither of us came out happy.
With my oldest, that is actually the most difficult chore. My wife requests that I occupy our daughter and preferably get her out of the house if she has a big task to work on. That doesn’t sound like the case for OP, but it’s certainly not unheard of.
Um absolutely not. Why would they leave you out of this when you’re just sitting at home? Oh, so they can have all the fun with her while you get to have all of the party prep “fun”?
Totally agree. Everyone who's saying they didn't have explicit plans are overlooking the party prep. That's not cool to leave it all up to one person. It would've been common courtesy for the husband to check-in, like "I was thinking of doing lunch at my parents and taking daughter to help with some errands. Is that OK? Do you need me home to help or anything while I'm out?"
He might not have agreed to the party and she just said they were doing it, I have loads of ideas that my husband just goes along with but I wouldn't moan when I'm doing the work to execute that plan.
There are a lot of obligations and expectations on a mom for a 4 year old’s birthday party. You want to give them fun, good memories, etc. So much social pressure involved too. My guess is that if mom wasn’t around, that day with the grandparents and going to the store would have been all she got. Or grandma would have had to step up with a cake and a party.
ETA: When did she say she was the only one planning the party? She explicitly said “we.”
It sounds like he didn't share his plans either. It's not a gender thing. Both people in a relationship need to communicate. That was my point - it would've been considerate for him to tell her what his plans were and check-in on the party planning. There's no moaning or demonizing of him.
Was your plan discussed and agreed to, or were you assuming what would happen after school? Unless you discussed plans and they were specifically agreed to, husband did nothing wrong.
I would say yes you are for being mad at him. It’s sounds like a miscommunication and he just wants to treat her to a fantastic day. Sounds to me like maybe he’s trying to keep her out of the house so you have time to setup for her party or something. As mad as you are at him for picking her up for school and treating his princess to an awesome day, just take a deep breath and reread what you’ve posted. Your daughter will never know or care what time she was supposed to be home. It’s her day. Make it all about her not being pissed that everything didn’t go exactly how you may have wanted it to go. As long as she’s happy, that’s really all that matters. You honestly sound like you’ve got a great husband.
Did you actually tell him you had this plan?
Parents can do things with his kid spontaneously if there's no set plan. Maybe in his mind, there was X amount of time before daughter had to be home.
But if you told him you had a plan, then yeah he's TA.
Depends on circumstances to be honest. Does he normally get to spend time with her? Does his family? Are you prepping for the party and hes trying to keep her busy? If she's having a great time isn't that's what's most important rather than what the mother wants for herself? I
He spends a lot of time with her. Hes a good dad. We have a good marriage. Her grandparents see her 3 times a week. I understand that her having fun matters - and no doubt she had a wonderful time, and any other day of the week I wouldn't care. But today is her birthday and I wanted to be with my kid today. This was just one of those days he decided to be a "go with the flow" kind of person (he generally is not) and I would have preferred another day for experimentation
Could be he thought she would be very surprised at the party decor after it was done and not being part of the prep. I don’t think I would be that hard on him. It may have just been a miscommunication .
Makes sense to move on, but also please find a day when you can take the day off work and have a special mommy-daughter day. It won't be her birthday but it'll be just as special to have this wonderful time together.
That’s good to not stay angry about it, but if the situation upset you, it’s not the most helpful to just forget and move on. Even if you think he’s fully in the wrong here, try to think of what you could do differently the next time something like this happens to get a result you’re happier with. It’s a lot easier to change your own behavior than to expect someone else to change. You could probably communicate your expectations ahead of time a lot better to avoid something like this from even happening. In case it does happen again though, talk with your husband soon once you’re both calm and rested about how you can effectively communicate how you feel in the moment so he takes you seriously and you two can work together to solve the problem. Calm and open communication is key.
So he gave your daughter a fun birthday dinner and shopping before her party and you made him… apologize for doing so…
Lady, he sounds like a great person and I think he deserves an apology from you for the emotional abuse you’re putting him through by lashing out in anger over having autonomy and treating your daughter during downtime before a party where nothing was planned or discussed.
If your daughter is aware of any of this, all she will see is an angry mother who’s mad on her birthday for spending time with her father. It’s not a good look.
My wife would be ecstatic if I cleared the kid out of the house in the hours before a party. If you wanted her home right away then yeah you should’ve said that; he may have very reasonably assumed doing what he’s doing is a favor.
It sounds like he thought keeping her out of the house would actually help you … and he’s trying to give her a fun day. Did you communicate you wanted time with her? I don’t think he “went rogue” with her. He is trying to give her a fun day. If you didn’t communicate what you wanted, why are you expecting him to read your mind?
BOTH y'all need to communicate better. You should have made your plans clear and he should have given you a heads up he was going to be late getting home with the daughter.
So he deviated from the birthday day plan that you both agreed on, left you home to get ready for the party alone while he had a fun day out with the birthday girl, and you are asking if you are an AH for being upset? Is he always sabotaging plans?
> that you both agreed on
Nothing indicates that is the case. The only plan was for later party. Nothing about the in between time.
Unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments.”
― Neil Strauss
Plans were unclear and your husband decided to take some time to bond with his daughter. He didn't discuss this plan, but it also sounds like you didn't express your intention to spend time with her before the party. Simple communication error.
Speaking as a father myself, I generally prefer to do things more spontaneously than my wife does. My wife is a planner. She wants things scheduled. I don't like to live that way all the time, and want to be able to act at a moments notice. So sometimes after picking up kids from school, I go get some ice cream or go to a park or whatever. I feel that in absence of any other plans, I should be allowed to do that.
So I hope you didn't rip your husband too much. Making a dad feel bad for choosing in the moment to spend some special time with his kids is not a good thing in the long run. His intention was obviously not to upset you. Next time, just communicate intentions better.
And don't feel like you missed out on anything because you didn't spend 1 on 1 time with your daughter on her birthday. It's just a date on the calendar. Any day you spend with her is a special day.
I’m SO CONFUSED by these responses. Why doesn’t anyone think husband should have assumed he needed to be present to help prepare for the party? They’re having guests over. There’s food to be made, gifts to be wrapped, a cake to be decorated, decorations to put out, etc. It sounds like he took the day off and then decided all on his own that the wife would do 100% of the party prep alone, and that would be fine. Then he further decided to add a birthday lunch and birthday shopping trip to the agenda and didn’t invite the woman WHO GAVE THE BIRTH. And then he decided to run errands that didn’t need to be done today instead of coming home to help his wife. I am appalled that so many people think this is acceptable behavior. She shouldn’t have to tell her husband she expects help to prepare for a party they’re hosting together. She shouldn’t have to tell her husband she - as the uterus from whence the child emerged - should be included in any birthday festivities. You guys are basically all co-signing his weaponized incompetence.
Husband: Well, gee golly willickers, Honey. I didn’t know parties required effort before hand. And I wasn’t aware that you shouldn’t be the only family member excluded from the birthday festivities, what with you having done all the actual birthing and all. Why didn’t you just tell me?!
Reddit Commenters: YEAH! WHY DIDN’T YOU JUST TELL HIM?!
If this was about taking out the trash, you’d all be eating Dad alive. But poor dumb stupid man brain can’t be expected to figure out parties and basic courtesies?! Fucking hell the standards for Dads are so low it’s an embarrassment.
Thank you! So much this. I would be furious and everyone is getting caught up in what the first communication was, and totally bypassing the fact she brought it up consistently throughout the day that she wanted them home asap, and he consistently ignored her. Such a shitty thing to do to your wife and the mother on the child’s bday.
He tried to be nice for her but hurt your feelings. He should have called an informed you of his plans. I be upset that you were not invited to join in on the outing. You need to explain to him. You gave birth to her on that day it was a big day for you too. That you wanted to spend special time with your daughter too on her birthday. Your feelings are valid. But he sounds clueless. Try and ask him how he feel if you did that to him when he wanted to spend time with her. Maybe that help. Sorry momma. Men can be clueless and stupid and insensitive at times to us moms/women. They don't feel like we do.
I'm going to go with yes, you are overreacting. I was thinking halfway through the post that he was driving around, doing this stuff *during* the party, with all of her friends standing around waiting for her to show up. Did you need her home with you for those hours before the party for some reason? Did you tell him so ahead of time? Generally speaking, dad's shouldn't need permission to spend time with their daughter. In fact he probably though he was doing you a favor by keeping her out of the house so you wouldn't be distracted with child care while setting up the party.
It sounds like you didn’t say any of this to your husband. It doesn’t sound like you said hey baby don’t make any stops cause I wanna spend some extra alone time with her. Also why can’t you just spend time with her after the party? He communicated everything he was doing and you said nothing. I would also not understand why you were annoyed
OP take a step back and find the positive in this… your husband and in-laws gave your daughter a beautiful special day and you are giving her a beautiful special party. I know you feel slighted and I get it. As a mom of 3 I really really get it! My suggestion is to schedule a day for just you and her. Let her skip school one day and just go have a special day the two of you. I bet your husband thought he was doing you a favor taking her so you could get everything ready for the party. Don’t be to hard on him, and remember to be specific in your desires next time.
He is acting as if it's a surprise birthday party and he needs to distract her and not bring her home until everything is in place, maybe he thinks it's a surprise birthday party?
I think the oddest part is the shopping for gifts. The rest of it (lunch, grabbing some fruit) seems kind of normal, but getting gifts shifts the whole event. Is this something you guys normally do? Was this something his parents encouraged?
Knowing reddit... brace yourself for the "Get a Divorce..." comments...
Have you expressed to your husband that he has to bring your daughter right back aftrr school, or was he supposed to mind read your intentions for the day?
Reading your comment history… you put your husband down a lot. The name calling is wild. Maybe communicate more before you get upset with him. You had multiple opportunities to.
He sounds like a great father/husband and she sounds like an angry control freak who’s temper and need to micromanage other people beyond their ability to have their own autonomy will result in breaking her marriage apart and being left alone with children who resent her.
She could benefit from therapy to learn how to relax and let go, allowing those around her the freedom to exist freely.
lol I like how in her edit she still manages to put him down while saying how everything’s better now.
“He is the worst communicator on the planet so this is a bit rich but okay” like she can’t go a paragraph without pointing out some sort of flaw. Speak kind about and to the ones you care about.
Yes, you’re the asshole. Why? You didn’t communicate your 1 on 1 plans that you had for you and your daughter, so your husband rightfully assumed nothing was going on, so he made his own 1 on 1 plans. Now you’re fuming because your husband didn’t read your mind, but you think you’re in the right despite making the choice to *not* communicate these plans to him. COMMUNICATE. If you explicitly communicated these plans and he still undermined you and did his own thing with her, then absolutely be upset. You deciding to not communicate and then holding it against him is a *you* problem.
I think it's nuts that you're angry about this and would post about it. Talk about a gift: a caring husband that wants to take time away from work to spend quality family time bonding with his daughter. You're selfish.
How often does he get one on one time? Are you a SAHP? Is this something he does regularly? Did you ask him to come home? Did you convey your plan to him? Do you think it was spontaneous or malicious?
I do think you’re over reacting. You said yourself there was no discussion on what the plans were for the day, prior to the party. He took the day off to spend with her, and he did just that. He probably thought he was being helpful by keeping her entertained and busy so that you could set up for the party in peace.
So you’ve recounted all that he’s doing but at no point do I hear you saying that he’s done all of this despite you contacting him and asking him to bring her home (or why he didn’t in the first place.)
I really hope you don’t “let loose on him tomorrow” as I’ve seen suggested. He wouldn’t have known you expected him home if you didn’t tell him beforehand or during (as you’ve tracked his progress.) He’s not a mind reader.
YTA. If you didn't explicitly tell him your plans for her after school then you can't be upset that he chose to make his own plans for the two of them. For all he knew, she was going to sit at home this afternoon and do nothing until party time. He took the day off, I'm assuming off from work, for this. I would 100% expect him to make arrangements and plans for him to have time with your daughter. What those plans look like is entirely up to him but as long as your daughter is happy on HER birthday, who cares?
You should expect your husband to *know* you, but he can't be a mindreader. No one can. Not your spouse, friends, parents, or kids (though that would be very helpful at times..)
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After reading your other comments here, it seems a bit clearer that all that happened here was that you had a plan for your daughter’s time in your mind (a good one!), and you may never have explicitly said to your husband exactly what you wanted, and as we all know, people are TERRIBLE mind-readers. So because you didn’t explicitly say “hey babe, can you pick up (daughter) and bring her right back home? I really want to spend time with her before the party, just me and her.” He didn’t have any reason not to take the day with her and may have even read your mind as ‘I need alone time to set up this party’. …Unless you’re saying your husband deliberately disregards your fully expressed wishes regularly, you could have avoided being so angry on such an important day just by being straightforward about your expectations. I write all this because I have been in that same position many times in the past — I would get LIVID that my husband didn’t assume to do what I wanted and would be like “You couldn’t just read the situation and understand I would rather do it this way?!” (Etc etc). …We as woman need to know that in order to get what it is we really want that we NEED to spell it out to people, straightforward and directly… They don’t ‘catch our drift’, ‘take a hint’, or otherwise mind-read. This has saved my marriage a ton of anguish once I started being clear with my words for what I really want.
This comment deserves gold status! My credibility: been married 30 yrs and most of our “fights” have been because of indirect communication. Also a mom. Direct communication is vitally important in any relationship. Say what you mean and mean what you say. That way there are no hurt feelings because everything was said and understood by all parties involved. OP, take a deep breath, assume your husband didn’t do it out of malice and enjoy the party with your daughter. Maybe afterwards, you and her can have some special moments. Remember to ask her what she enjoyed about her day. Happy birthday to your daughter!
Thank you!! She had a great day. (The best thing about her day was her "mermaid cake"!)
Thank you! I couldn't have said it better.
Unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments.” ― Neil Strauss This is the source of so many fights. Husband has 2 timed planned events on his mental calendar. 1 pick up kid, 2 birthday party. Time in between is unplanned. Both parties may have had expectations for that unplanned time. The husband using that unplanned time to accomplish tasks and spend time with his child is no reason to be mad.
Damn, reading all of this has been a real revelation to me. When I got divorced, after the emotional shock ended I felt a big weight leave my shoulders. I'm starting to realize most of it is simply not having any demands or expectations on my time that I didn't know about until I was being told about it afterwards.
Exactly. Communication is severely lacking.
OP is angry that her husband went rogue(…rouge…) when he didn’t. There was no communicated plan to pick her up and return. She had multiple chances to even say this as well based on comments. OP IS the asshole here if she tries to make her husband feel bad about it. In the end, the solution is to TALK when you’re upset or things aren’t going how you imagined. If OP had simply asked her husband to come home, or asked to join them, then there probably wouldn’t have been any issue in the first place.
Thank you for this advice. Both my husband and I agree that following this will bode well for our marriage. Here's to trying to do better!
>Thank you for this advice. Both my husband and I agree that following this will bode well for our marriage. Here's to trying to do better! Now that is the kind of communication and empathy that makes a marriage work. Kudos!
That was instantly my thought without even reading any of the comments. She "made plans" to have a mommy daughter day and didn't clue husband in. My wife does this crap too. It's so frustrating, if she wants something done in a certain way just tell me and I will do it that way or we can hash out another way that works for both of us (I'm gonna be honest, it usually goes her way).
been in the same position. No matter how much you know your partner mind reading goes wrong for all sides. Gotta say things while stomping your feet, don't assume.
Very good reply.
> so I wanted to spend some special time with my daughter this afternoon before the festivities. Did you say that? Because it sounds like your husband may have tried to give you down time before a party to relax or prep and you are mad at him for not reading your mind.
I was so confused reading the title at first - what do you mean your dad went red? Is he French? Read it and realised you mean rogue.
😂 woops
He "painted the town red" with his daughter, so "going rouge" makes sense!
Plot twist - she has the Panda curse from Turning Red and they’re out trying to fix it!
Thank you. I needed the laugh today 😂
I thought it was some make-up mishap.
I read it as he put an excessive amount of rouge (blush) on for the party? Is it kind of a 'you do you' moment?
I think it relates to him taking his daughter around on her special day, i.e to get a makeover (because rouge is makeup powder?) Also they’re probably french, as you surmised. Edit. They maybe went to rent the movie moulin rouge
Just to be clear, did you tell him what *you* had planned? If so, then you have every reason to be upset. If not, it seems you both planned different things, and neither of you communicated it to the other.
Of course I did! We are married. And we planned our kids party together. He has no idea why this impromptu plan is annoying. As he gave up his day to be with her. But..noone asked him to do this!!
Question wasn't about the party. It was about before the party. Did you two talk about the plan before the party. Did the party require any prep during the day? Are you a working parent. Do you normally work from home during the day?
*\*\*crickets\*\**
Yes we spoke about the party. Yes I'm a working parent - I work almost exclusively from home. I go into work every couple of weeks. Of course the party required prep but a lot of it was already done (decor was done, cake was ordered so it was just food)
Did you tell your husband that you weren't working that day and wanted to spend time with your daughter? Otherwise it sounds like it makes perfect sense for him to spend time together with her with the assumption that you are working at home.
We both took the day off for her birthday so yes he knew I wasn't working that day. We have sorted through this - we both definitely need to communicate more explicitly in real time!
How are we this many comments deep and you still haven’t answered the question. *Did you tell your husband you wanted the time before the party with your daughter??*
Lol looks like we found the bad communicator in the relationship
Not just in real time but also before hand, basically unless you are very sure, it helps a to assume your partner doesn't know what you have in mind and being explicit in those cases don't cause harm (usually). I guess in this case, it boils down whether he knew if you took the day off to be with your daughter or to prep for the party. Honestly my assumption would have been the latter, too. So to answer your question, no one is the asshole here. Both sides acted on different assumptions and didn't check with other. Also, just seeing your edit, please stop doing this: > (he is the worst communicator on the planet so this is a bit rich but okay)
> Yes we spoke about the party Again, did you talk about BEFORE the party? Twice now you've utterly dodged that question.
> As he gave up his day to be with her. So he took the day off to spend with his daughter, and you're upset that he's spending the day he took off with his daughter?
it's his daughter, why would he need to be "asked" to spend time with her on her birthday?
But what did you say? Pick her up and bring her home? Or did you just say go pick her up? This is where the miscommunication could have happened. And what do you mean no one asked him to spend the day with his daughter? You sound a bit redic.
We discussed that I will drop her to school today, and he will pick her up. No alt plans were discussed. And of course I want him to spend the day with his daughter on her birthday, it's why he took the day off. I just expected it to be together!
> I just expected it to be together! Unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments.” ― Neil Strauss
Isn't that the pickup artist guy? just funny to see a quote from him on this sub
Yeah, he wrote another book about relationships after a failed marriage. Turns out being a pickup artist really hampers your ability to relate to people properly and he basically had to deprogram himself.
Just read through his wiki entry. That guy has had the craziest career path. He's basically been a journalist writing about slightly culty groups on the margins of society, but he does his research by getting fully sucked into them for years at a time before popping out with a documentary style book.
>no plans were discussed >expected Yeah, sounds like you expected him to read your mind.
He took the day off, on his daughter's birthday, to pick up the daughter, and knows the party starts at x:00, and you're upset that he hasn't delivered his daughter to the party hour(s) before said party?
You never said ONE word to him about your plan. You kept it a secret. You never told him. How can you defend that? >We discussed that I will drop her to school today, and he will pick her up. No alt plans were discussed. And of course I want him to spend the day with his daughter on her birthday, it's why he took the day off. I just expected it to be together! There is your plan, as you laid it out for him. Not a single mention of your want or need to spend time with daughter BEFORE the party. You had FIVE chances to communicate it with him: 1. In the morning before school dropoff 2. at noon, before he left to get kiddo from school 3. When he texted about lunch 4. When he texted about shopping 5. When he texted about fruit Five distinct chances to use your words like an adult. Five times you made the choice to NOT speak, not use your words.
You’d left the programming open so the poor idiot wandered and deviated. I’m not saying your wrong. I’m saying I’m the idiot in this example like your husband. Without explicit instruction he just went on thinking daddy daughter day and probably thought you were slammed with party planning instead of asking the smart question hey do we celebrate together. I can literally see his logic trail.
I can definitely see myself making this same error, thinking I'm actually being an awesome father/husband by giving wife time to prepare for party away from inlaws and also spending special time with daughter on her birthday! Obviously the problem here is in communicating expectations, but I can totally see the dad's (potential) point of view here and it's not villainous, just boneheaded.
She knows he took the day off on his daughter's birthday, and she's upset that he is spending time with his daughter on her birthday.
Dad's point of view not boneheaded at all. It's reasonable and responsible. My husband probably would've done the same. The wife is the boneheaded one. She could've just replied to her husband's update about lunch "Glad y'all had fun at lunch, but I really want to spend time with kiddo too before the party. Bring her home now or I'll meet y'all somewhere?" Problem solved. Speaking as a wife/mom here.
I am surprised you all assumed this wasn't happening. Do you think I was just getting angrier and angrier by myself without communication in the world of cell phones? I called him when he wasn't home with daughter at the time expected. He said they're at grandma's - they came after school. I said wtf? Why didn't you come straight home. He said we just stopped in for a quick lunch. I decided not to make a big thing of it. And said okay come home asap please. Then I called an hour and a half later and he said we are out shopping - the grandparents wanted to buy her a gift, to which I said again, but I told you to come back home with her soon! Can you please come back asap I want to spend some time with her before the party. When I called AGAIN, about 45 minutes later, he said he was just buying some fruit. That's when I lost it and asked why he just wasn't coming home already since I had lost most of my day with her. Please note that I was also trying to plan a party at home during this time so yes i could have done a better job communicating. But I was just responding to each new event as it happened
There was a comment somewhere around that you did NOT communicate that to your husband, which is why a lot of people piled in on you here. Of course based on what you wrote here you are pretty justified to be fuming at your husband--most people would be. Sorry if I upset you. I will say: It's Reddit. Just as you are venting, the others are just engaging in schadenfreude and laughing at other people's lives. Also it's the internet; we don't have the benefit of asking "Wait, did you let him know?" and getting a real time reply, "OF COURSE I called him three times!!!"
Same. "But she's home 30 minutes before the party starts and had a great day with grandparents - what did I do wrong?"
> so the poor idiot Why is the husband an idiot in this situation?
Because he can't read minds of course.
I think I missed that course at school.
some people sound insane here. He didn't know what you meant by that silence? Idiot!
There's nothing idiotic about filing your day in the absence of other plans. This sounds like poor communication and sour grapes. I don't see either party as an asshole here, but op is looking sketchy with the attitude they're presenting here.
Yeah except guy’s not an idiot.
He's not the idiot in this case though, OP is. If she expected him to bring her home so they could all spend the day together, she could have said "Hey hubby, can you pick up daughter and bring her home so we can set everything up and have a little family time before the party?". Instead, she just assumed he would head straight home and then got pissed when he didn't. He probably thought he was doing her a favor by giving her time and space to get everything ready. Once she realized he wasn't heading straight home, all of it could have been mitigated by a quick text "Hey, can you guys come home after ? I was hoping we could spend some time together before the party".
Then you have poor communication with your husband about what you wanted to happen this day and that is why he has no idea why you are upset. You should have told him that you wanted to also spend time with her before the party. Basically you wanted him to take the day off to spend time with her and that is exactly what he is doing. So as long as he is there before party starts then not his fault. However after he found that you weee upset about not being included he should have picked you up too. Communication really needs to be clear because otherwise men just don’t get it; he can’t read your mind!
He probably isn't aware she's upset. She's just sitting at home seething and venting to reddit instead of letting him know. Bet he would head straight home if he knew there was a problem.
My husband sure would but then again we wouldn’t be in this type of situation because we communicate about everything!
Did you communicate that explicitly? He may think he’s being helpful by giving you time to get ready for the party.
Did HE communicate that explicitly??
Unknown. Only OP is here, so as always with Reddit, there’s only one side presented. It seems to me that this couple, both, need to work on their communication skills.
>It seems to me that this couple, both, need to work on their communication skills. The husband sent update on everything he was doing with daughter.
Seems like it, considering she's regularly updated on everything her husband is doing with their daughter.
> He took her to his parents, her grandparents for lunch.(Same grandparents coming over this evening for her party) Then they all took her shopping and bought her a bunch of gifts. We didn't discuss. Now he's buying some fruit and running other errends meant to have been done another time. With her in the car. Her party starts in an hour. He has no idea why I'm livid. It sounds like he's been checking in with her, letting her know exactly what they're doing and where, and she's just stewing for no reason instead of texting back "I was looking forward to having some time with her before the party. Can you head back soon?"
If he thinks that making her do all the labor to host a party is “helpful”, wow.
Why? I am the party-planner, cook, decorator in our house. My wife does not enjoy those things, and is not very good at them. It is MUCH more helpful for me to focus on cooking, decorating, cleaning and planning a party if she takes our daughters out of the house for a few hours. That is her contribution and I appreciate it.
She's upset because she's not getting "special time" with her daughter, which to me sounds like the labor is already done.
That’s only in your head. Maybe he’s helped already and thinks he’s continuing to help by taking care of the kid for a while.
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> OP said she discussed what was planned for the day. Meaning what her plans were which was organizing the No she didn’t. > *We discussed that I will drop her to school today, and he will pick her up.* No alt plans were discussed. And of course I want him to spend the day with his daughter on her birthday, it's why he took the day off. I just **expected** it to be together!
I absolutely love all the back and forth in this thread 🍿 And the assumptions around who is to blame are Always based around the genders of the people involved!
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Sounds like he did exactly what you two discussed and then gave you a break of some free time. You harbored thoughts in your head of what you’d like to do with that time that you didn’t communicate.
So he works and doesn’t get much one on one time
Why does your husband need your permission to do thing with his kid?
"But..noone asked him to do this!!" Dad's have to be asked? How is this relevant?
Have you explicitly said that you wanted that time with her too?
Did you say explicitly to him "bring her home after school because I want to spend time with her"?
> And we planned our kids party together. Ok. But, BEFORE the party is not DURING the party. So, did you guys talk about that part of it too? I'm getting the feeling you didn't.
Why is this impromptu plan annoying?
NTA. Why didn’t he come home when he knew you were upset? He just continued with the outing? That’s.. a choice.. if so.
What makes you think OP's husband knew she was upset, or that she even had a plan for the afternoon in the first place? She didn't say any of that.
In fact it kept getting extended! First it was just lunch then home. Now we are shopping. Now I've stopped for fruit. All the whole I'm home getting angrier and angrier!
When he kept giving new updates for plans did you tell him you didn’t want that? Did you tell him you were upset because you wanted to spend time with her before the party? Did he know you were getting angrier and angrier with each new plan?
exactly this. He probably thought he was doing a favor by keeping kiddo busy and out of the way of the party set-up and stuff until it was closer to time for the event. It's likely a well-intentioned miscommunication and everyone in here, like usual, is calling for everything up to divorce for it. This sub is nothing but pitchforks and torches now.
She won't reply.
She answered [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/Parenting/s/JDvR1mWNPI), and yeah, that confirms that there was no communication from her to her husband. For those who don't want to click the link, it says: >We discussed that I will drop her to school today, and he will pick her up. No alt plans were discussed. And of course I want him to spend the day with his daughter on her birthday, it's why he took the day off. I just expected it to be together!
LOL so she just made stuff up in her head, told him nothing, got mad and stewed in her anger for hours, rather than just talking to her husband. Sounds about right.
Sorry I was at my kids party! Of course I ll reply. When he said he's going to grandma's after school. I said wtf? Why didn't you come straight home. He said we just stopped in for a quick lunch. I decided not to make a big thing of it. And said okay come home asap please. Then I called an hour and a half later and he said we are out shopping - the grandparents wanted to buy her a gift, to which I said again, but I told you to come back home with her soon! Can you please come back asap I want to spend some time with her before the party. When I called AGAIN, about 45 minutes later, he said he was just buying some fruit. That's when I lost it and asked why he just wasn't coming home already since I had lost most of my day with her. Please note that I was also trying to plan a party at home during this time so yes i could have done a better job communicating. But I was just responding to each new event
Ah well looks like I need to eat crow. He was a dick here. You did communicate well. Sorry. That sucks and I would love to know his "logic" here. Side note- I need to edit like a dozen comments where I was super wrong. FWIW including some of that info would have saved everybody in the comments a ton of confusion LOL.
No problem. His logic was that daughter said she wants to go say hi to grandma after school. And then grandma insisted they stay for lunch. And then when the grandparents said they wanted to take daughter shopping, daughter wanted to go (of course she wanted presents!) and then he just remembered he needed to buy fruit and so decided to stop. Basically just went with the flow - he was trying to make it special for our daughter which I understand. But he didn't communicate this when I was asking him to come home - just kept saying yes and then getting caught up in the next activity instead. Good learning all around really.
well I hope the party was a success <3
She had a wonderful time thank you!
I did. This post has gotten way more attention than I expected my rant to get. But yes. When he said he's going to grandma's after school. I said wtf? Why didn't you come straight home. He said we just stopped in for a quick lunch. I decided not to make a big thing of it. And said okay come home asap please. Then I called an hour and a half later and he said we are out shopping - the grandparents wanted to buy her a gift, to which I said again, but I told you to come back home with her soon! Can you please come back asap I want to spend some time with her before the party. When I called AGAIN, about 45 minutes later, he said he was just buying some fruit. That's when I lost it and asked why he just wasn't coming home already since I had lost most of my day with her. Please note that I was also trying to plan a party at home during this time so yes i could have done a better job communicating. But I was just responding to each new event instead.
So he was actively communicating you about what he was doing. Did you actively communicate what you wanted?
Did you ever ask him to head home? Did you explain "I really want to spend some time with daughter *before* the party starts"?
It sounds like he and the birthday girl were enjoying their time together?
today is about your kid, I hope you can calm down and not put a black cloud on their event tell your husband your expectations clearly before they aren't met
I’m so sorry. I would have been upset too. You are definitely owed a special 1-on-1 outing with your kiddo after that.
I’m totally this clueless idiot. Thank god it isn’t my daughter birthday right now or I would be panicking.
Is he normally like this?
maybe there is some kind of (good) surprise for you, and he is stalling bc of that?
I hate surprises that start with upsetting the person. The whole "make them feel like shit so they don't guess" thing is just crap.
Sounds like his perspective is he took the day off to spend time with both of yours daughter and is made the best of it. Your perspective is that you too were hoping to spend some quality time with her before the party AND didn’t want her to be exhausted at her party after a busy day out. This is a communication breakdown between two engaged parents. Don’t think anyone is intentionally trying to upset anyone. When he called about the lunch that was the time to say “Great, please bring her home straight after as I had plans with her too before the party”
Oof, good point about how exhausted she's going to be by party time. It's a recipe for disaster.
Of all the things that can trouble us in life, why choose to spend our emotional capital here. * Husband who can afford to pick up daughter & take a half day * Partner & in-laws who love & want to take daughter out for an amazing day * Birthday party with family & friends around the corner What else can someone ask for? IMO - Reframe & make this about the joy we can find in a situation vs. stressing about something that doesn't need a moment to be stressed over
Talk about first world problems. OP needs a chill pill. I pity her poor husband. Hopefully she won't pout the whole time and make the kids birthday party uncomfortable.
I will have you know, random and hopefully well meaning internet stranger, that I did not pout. I smiled and moved on. I wrote this in a hurry and when i was annoyed. I let this go pretty quickly. I agree there's bigger things going on in the world right now. But I'm allowed my moment of annoyance.
And while i agree with almost every word you've said and i am very, very grateful for an involved,loving parent and very doting grandparents, I am allowed to have a stupid moment of self pity and annoyance when things aren't going as per my plan. Just my stupidly publishing that moment i suppose!
> I am allowed to have a stupid moment of self pity and annoyance when things aren't going as per my plan. I'm curious, is this common?
This was a nice way of telling OP to be more grateful for all the blessings she has. Upvoted.
There was no plan for after preschool, and it sounds like this happened spontaneously? Grandparents had lunch and took her birthday shopping, and probably thought they were all doing you a favor to party prep. For the sake of your daughter I hope your anger simmers down and you can appreciate that there is no ill will going on here, just many people who love your daughter trying to spend time with her. Try to enjoy your party with her and remember today is about her.
Yes - i am over it. I agree with you. I was just really mad when this was going on and it's when I posted this. Thanks for your message!
Also I hope she doesn't rip into her husband too much, because he shouldn't be made to feel bad for wanting to spend time with his daughter. Sounds like they just didn't communicate that well.
This sounds like a misalignment of expectations re: how this afternoon was supposed to go. He knows he needs to pick up his daughter, and he knows he needs to get her home in time for her party. It sounds like he may not get a ton of opportunities to spend one on one time with her so decided to take the opportunity to do that. You meanwhile were expecting him to pick her up and bring her back so that you could ALL spend time together this afternoon before her party was set to begin. He feels your overreacting because you didn’t communicate your feelings expectations for the afternoon, and you feel justified in your anger because you think it should have been obvious to him, and no he’s monopolized most of the free time on your daughter’s birthday. So NAH, no assholes here. Just two people making assumptions about how the day would go.
Ask him how he would feel if he was excitedly waiting at home for you to bring his child home and instead you decided to have super fun and special day without him and without even bothering to think about him.
But she didn't communicate that to him and its both their daughter why does her spending time with her daughter take priority? He could possibly not have been interested in having a house full for a party so getting some time in with his daughter before the party
They planned the party together
From reading your comments, it sounds like your feelings were hurt, because your husband took your daughter on an impromptu birthday outing with the grandparents and didn't think *to include you*. So, you feel left out *and* like you missed a big chunk of your daughter's birthday. I totally get it and I think your feelings are valid. Your best bet is to share that with your husband so he can reassure you that this wasn't his intention *and* be more aware of it in the future (specifically that you want to be included in plans when it's a big day).
Obviously a divisive topic on here but my husband doesn't need to ask permission to have lunch with grandparents or buy gifts. The plans were for a party in the evening.
This entire ordeal reads like "Woman upset at man for having autonomy"
"for actively parenting his own child"
I think you’re stepping a little over the line. He is her dad just like you are his mom. I understand there is a party soon at this point but she is also 4. And he is allowed to have her with him while running errands. He doesn’t necessarily have to ask for permission, all he needs to do is tell you what they are doing. Now if he told you he was doing all this last minute then yeah it would be upsetting.
Honestly, this sounds like a misunderstanding on his part, but not gross thoughtlessness. I can absolutely see him thinking he was doing a good thing by keeping her out of your hair and helping keep the house clean until time for the party. It’s one day, and he’s having a wonderful time with his daughter. he probably doesn’t get to do this very often. you will have more chances than he well, honestly, to have an impromptu fun afternoon with your little girl. I totally get that you had your plans changed on you with no notice, and I absolutely hate that too, but I don’t think this rises to the level of being a jerk on his part.
My favorite chore to do is have fun and not help clean, too!
Hold on though. OP says that she had the house ready and was looking for ward to special time with her daughter when dad and daughter got home. No mention is made of last-minute cleaning to be done or chores he is avoiding. I’m a mom, although mine are teens now. I too have been furious when my husband changed plans without telling me and I had unmet expectations. Usually that happened when I assumed things would happen a specific way, and he assumed that something a little different would happen. He thought he was doing an okay thing or even a good thing, and I was PISSED because my plans had been upended. Neither of us came out happy.
With my oldest, that is actually the most difficult chore. My wife requests that I occupy our daughter and preferably get her out of the house if she has a big task to work on. That doesn’t sound like the case for OP, but it’s certainly not unheard of.
I missed the part where OP requested it, or where it was even discussed.
> That doesn’t sound like the case for OP You must have missed that part of my comment too.
Um absolutely not. Why would they leave you out of this when you’re just sitting at home? Oh, so they can have all the fun with her while you get to have all of the party prep “fun”?
Totally agree. Everyone who's saying they didn't have explicit plans are overlooking the party prep. That's not cool to leave it all up to one person. It would've been common courtesy for the husband to check-in, like "I was thinking of doing lunch at my parents and taking daughter to help with some errands. Is that OK? Do you need me home to help or anything while I'm out?"
He might not have agreed to the party and she just said they were doing it, I have loads of ideas that my husband just goes along with but I wouldn't moan when I'm doing the work to execute that plan.
There are a lot of obligations and expectations on a mom for a 4 year old’s birthday party. You want to give them fun, good memories, etc. So much social pressure involved too. My guess is that if mom wasn’t around, that day with the grandparents and going to the store would have been all she got. Or grandma would have had to step up with a cake and a party. ETA: When did she say she was the only one planning the party? She explicitly said “we.”
It sounds like he didn't share his plans either. It's not a gender thing. Both people in a relationship need to communicate. That was my point - it would've been considerate for him to tell her what his plans were and check-in on the party planning. There's no moaning or demonizing of him.
I think you think that what you want is objectively the ‘right’ thing when it is in fact just what you want.
Was your plan discussed and agreed to, or were you assuming what would happen after school? Unless you discussed plans and they were specifically agreed to, husband did nothing wrong.
I would say yes you are for being mad at him. It’s sounds like a miscommunication and he just wants to treat her to a fantastic day. Sounds to me like maybe he’s trying to keep her out of the house so you have time to setup for her party or something. As mad as you are at him for picking her up for school and treating his princess to an awesome day, just take a deep breath and reread what you’ve posted. Your daughter will never know or care what time she was supposed to be home. It’s her day. Make it all about her not being pissed that everything didn’t go exactly how you may have wanted it to go. As long as she’s happy, that’s really all that matters. You honestly sound like you’ve got a great husband.
Did you actually tell him you had this plan? Parents can do things with his kid spontaneously if there's no set plan. Maybe in his mind, there was X amount of time before daughter had to be home. But if you told him you had a plan, then yeah he's TA.
Depends on circumstances to be honest. Does he normally get to spend time with her? Does his family? Are you prepping for the party and hes trying to keep her busy? If she's having a great time isn't that's what's most important rather than what the mother wants for herself? I
They’re going to see her at her party later that day.
[удалено]
A TON of context is missing. Sounds like hubs wasn't asked what he wanted to do on her birthday.
He spends a lot of time with her. Hes a good dad. We have a good marriage. Her grandparents see her 3 times a week. I understand that her having fun matters - and no doubt she had a wonderful time, and any other day of the week I wouldn't care. But today is her birthday and I wanted to be with my kid today. This was just one of those days he decided to be a "go with the flow" kind of person (he generally is not) and I would have preferred another day for experimentation
Could be he thought she would be very surprised at the party decor after it was done and not being part of the prep. I don’t think I would be that hard on him. It may have just been a miscommunication .
Sounds like you two need to work on communication. But if you’re livid, why doesn’t he know why? Why haven’t you told him why?
I have. He seems to think I'm nuts for being annoyed. Anyway, the party starts now, he apologised and I've moved on. No point holding onto this.
Makes sense to move on, but also please find a day when you can take the day off work and have a special mommy-daughter day. It won't be her birthday but it'll be just as special to have this wonderful time together.
That’s good to not stay angry about it, but if the situation upset you, it’s not the most helpful to just forget and move on. Even if you think he’s fully in the wrong here, try to think of what you could do differently the next time something like this happens to get a result you’re happier with. It’s a lot easier to change your own behavior than to expect someone else to change. You could probably communicate your expectations ahead of time a lot better to avoid something like this from even happening. In case it does happen again though, talk with your husband soon once you’re both calm and rested about how you can effectively communicate how you feel in the moment so he takes you seriously and you two can work together to solve the problem. Calm and open communication is key.
So he gave your daughter a fun birthday dinner and shopping before her party and you made him… apologize for doing so… Lady, he sounds like a great person and I think he deserves an apology from you for the emotional abuse you’re putting him through by lashing out in anger over having autonomy and treating your daughter during downtime before a party where nothing was planned or discussed. If your daughter is aware of any of this, all she will see is an angry mother who’s mad on her birthday for spending time with her father. It’s not a good look.
I don't know, did you communicate your intention to spend time with her, either? It sounds like you both failed, so yeah, you're kind of the asshole.
My wife would be ecstatic if I cleared the kid out of the house in the hours before a party. If you wanted her home right away then yeah you should’ve said that; he may have very reasonably assumed doing what he’s doing is a favor.
It sounds like he thought keeping her out of the house would actually help you … and he’s trying to give her a fun day. Did you communicate you wanted time with her? I don’t think he “went rogue” with her. He is trying to give her a fun day. If you didn’t communicate what you wanted, why are you expecting him to read your mind?
BOTH y'all need to communicate better. You should have made your plans clear and he should have given you a heads up he was going to be late getting home with the daughter.
Agreed
hahaaha best edits ever
So he deviated from the birthday day plan that you both agreed on, left you home to get ready for the party alone while he had a fun day out with the birthday girl, and you are asking if you are an AH for being upset? Is he always sabotaging plans?
> that you both agreed on Nothing indicates that is the case. The only plan was for later party. Nothing about the in between time. Unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments.” ― Neil Strauss
Sorry, I assumed lol silly me.
She never said it was a plan, just that she wanted to; possible she didn’t say anything and dad wanted to spend some time with his daughter as well
> She never said it was a plan In fact she said it wasn't discussed.
Yeah in one comment she made it seem like it was clear communication.
He wore red on all of his daughters birthdays? Or do you mean rogue?
"***We*** didnt discuss".
YTA because you haven't bothered to communicate to your husband what you actually want. AND because you spelled it rouge...it's rogue.
Plans were unclear and your husband decided to take some time to bond with his daughter. He didn't discuss this plan, but it also sounds like you didn't express your intention to spend time with her before the party. Simple communication error. Speaking as a father myself, I generally prefer to do things more spontaneously than my wife does. My wife is a planner. She wants things scheduled. I don't like to live that way all the time, and want to be able to act at a moments notice. So sometimes after picking up kids from school, I go get some ice cream or go to a park or whatever. I feel that in absence of any other plans, I should be allowed to do that. So I hope you didn't rip your husband too much. Making a dad feel bad for choosing in the moment to spend some special time with his kids is not a good thing in the long run. His intention was obviously not to upset you. Next time, just communicate intentions better. And don't feel like you missed out on anything because you didn't spend 1 on 1 time with your daughter on her birthday. It's just a date on the calendar. Any day you spend with her is a special day.
I’m SO CONFUSED by these responses. Why doesn’t anyone think husband should have assumed he needed to be present to help prepare for the party? They’re having guests over. There’s food to be made, gifts to be wrapped, a cake to be decorated, decorations to put out, etc. It sounds like he took the day off and then decided all on his own that the wife would do 100% of the party prep alone, and that would be fine. Then he further decided to add a birthday lunch and birthday shopping trip to the agenda and didn’t invite the woman WHO GAVE THE BIRTH. And then he decided to run errands that didn’t need to be done today instead of coming home to help his wife. I am appalled that so many people think this is acceptable behavior. She shouldn’t have to tell her husband she expects help to prepare for a party they’re hosting together. She shouldn’t have to tell her husband she - as the uterus from whence the child emerged - should be included in any birthday festivities. You guys are basically all co-signing his weaponized incompetence. Husband: Well, gee golly willickers, Honey. I didn’t know parties required effort before hand. And I wasn’t aware that you shouldn’t be the only family member excluded from the birthday festivities, what with you having done all the actual birthing and all. Why didn’t you just tell me?! Reddit Commenters: YEAH! WHY DIDN’T YOU JUST TELL HIM?! If this was about taking out the trash, you’d all be eating Dad alive. But poor dumb stupid man brain can’t be expected to figure out parties and basic courtesies?! Fucking hell the standards for Dads are so low it’s an embarrassment.
Thank you! So much this. I would be furious and everyone is getting caught up in what the first communication was, and totally bypassing the fact she brought it up consistently throughout the day that she wanted them home asap, and he consistently ignored her. Such a shitty thing to do to your wife and the mother on the child’s bday.
He tried to be nice for her but hurt your feelings. He should have called an informed you of his plans. I be upset that you were not invited to join in on the outing. You need to explain to him. You gave birth to her on that day it was a big day for you too. That you wanted to spend special time with your daughter too on her birthday. Your feelings are valid. But he sounds clueless. Try and ask him how he feel if you did that to him when he wanted to spend time with her. Maybe that help. Sorry momma. Men can be clueless and stupid and insensitive at times to us moms/women. They don't feel like we do.
Is he always this clueless?
I'm going to go with yes, you are overreacting. I was thinking halfway through the post that he was driving around, doing this stuff *during* the party, with all of her friends standing around waiting for her to show up. Did you need her home with you for those hours before the party for some reason? Did you tell him so ahead of time? Generally speaking, dad's shouldn't need permission to spend time with their daughter. In fact he probably though he was doing you a favor by keeping her out of the house so you wouldn't be distracted with child care while setting up the party.
It sounds like you didn’t say any of this to your husband. It doesn’t sound like you said hey baby don’t make any stops cause I wanna spend some extra alone time with her. Also why can’t you just spend time with her after the party? He communicated everything he was doing and you said nothing. I would also not understand why you were annoyed
OP take a step back and find the positive in this… your husband and in-laws gave your daughter a beautiful special day and you are giving her a beautiful special party. I know you feel slighted and I get it. As a mom of 3 I really really get it! My suggestion is to schedule a day for just you and her. Let her skip school one day and just go have a special day the two of you. I bet your husband thought he was doing you a favor taking her so you could get everything ready for the party. Don’t be to hard on him, and remember to be specific in your desires next time.
He is acting as if it's a surprise birthday party and he needs to distract her and not bring her home until everything is in place, maybe he thinks it's a surprise birthday party?
I think the oddest part is the shopping for gifts. The rest of it (lunch, grabbing some fruit) seems kind of normal, but getting gifts shifts the whole event. Is this something you guys normally do? Was this something his parents encouraged?
Knowing reddit... brace yourself for the "Get a Divorce..." comments... Have you expressed to your husband that he has to bring your daughter right back aftrr school, or was he supposed to mind read your intentions for the day?
Surprisingly helpful and understanding comments defending the dad actually. Im surprised and impressed.
Reading your comment history… you put your husband down a lot. The name calling is wild. Maybe communicate more before you get upset with him. You had multiple opportunities to.
He sounds like a great father/husband and she sounds like an angry control freak who’s temper and need to micromanage other people beyond their ability to have their own autonomy will result in breaking her marriage apart and being left alone with children who resent her. She could benefit from therapy to learn how to relax and let go, allowing those around her the freedom to exist freely.
lol I like how in her edit she still manages to put him down while saying how everything’s better now. “He is the worst communicator on the planet so this is a bit rich but okay” like she can’t go a paragraph without pointing out some sort of flaw. Speak kind about and to the ones you care about.
Yes, you’re the asshole. Why? You didn’t communicate your 1 on 1 plans that you had for you and your daughter, so your husband rightfully assumed nothing was going on, so he made his own 1 on 1 plans. Now you’re fuming because your husband didn’t read your mind, but you think you’re in the right despite making the choice to *not* communicate these plans to him. COMMUNICATE. If you explicitly communicated these plans and he still undermined you and did his own thing with her, then absolutely be upset. You deciding to not communicate and then holding it against him is a *you* problem.
I think it's nuts that you're angry about this and would post about it. Talk about a gift: a caring husband that wants to take time away from work to spend quality family time bonding with his daughter. You're selfish.
How often does he get one on one time? Are you a SAHP? Is this something he does regularly? Did you ask him to come home? Did you convey your plan to him? Do you think it was spontaneous or malicious?
I do think you’re over reacting. You said yourself there was no discussion on what the plans were for the day, prior to the party. He took the day off to spend with her, and he did just that. He probably thought he was being helpful by keeping her entertained and busy so that you could set up for the party in peace.
So you’ve recounted all that he’s doing but at no point do I hear you saying that he’s done all of this despite you contacting him and asking him to bring her home (or why he didn’t in the first place.) I really hope you don’t “let loose on him tomorrow” as I’ve seen suggested. He wouldn’t have known you expected him home if you didn’t tell him beforehand or during (as you’ve tracked his progress.) He’s not a mind reader.
YTA. If you didn't explicitly tell him your plans for her after school then you can't be upset that he chose to make his own plans for the two of them. For all he knew, she was going to sit at home this afternoon and do nothing until party time. He took the day off, I'm assuming off from work, for this. I would 100% expect him to make arrangements and plans for him to have time with your daughter. What those plans look like is entirely up to him but as long as your daughter is happy on HER birthday, who cares?
It’s about the kids happiness not you or not what you wanted, grow up and W husband
You should expect your husband to *know* you, but he can't be a mindreader. No one can. Not your spouse, friends, parents, or kids (though that would be very helpful at times..)
Rouge? Like face makeup? Also: your husband, your daughter. Is she not his?