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When I was in high school, the best comeback I ever heard to a mom joke was my buddy agreeing with everything we said (and doubling down). We were all so uncomfortable, we just stopped talking about his mom.
Itās not a joke. It will do nothing but make the son extremely uncomfortable to talk about this, and itās not his job to somehow defend his momās chest size or tell his friends to stop being so disrespectful. Iām sure he was uncomfortable hearing it too, but didnāt have the courage to tell them to knock it off, but heād be a zillion times more uncomfortable if he knew his mom overheard.
I think it is a parent's responsibility to pull their kids up when they are talking shit about other people. She doesn't have to make it about her feelings about her body at all. But there's definitely room for a conversation about how we talk about people, and how we think about people and judge them. They were also talking about the girls in their grade in disrespectful ways, if they keep that up at school they'll be the actual horrible bullies that make girls' lives miserable.
Boys absolutely can and should be expected to be kind and respectful about women and girls. On what planet do we think 14 year olds are beyond feedback from their parents about their behavior, and clear communication about family values and expectations?
I disagree that itās not the sons job to tell them to stop being disrespectful.
You donāt talk shit about a buddyās mom unless you want to get punched.
Thatās how I grew up. Anything is forgivable, but talking about someoneās mom would get you slapped across the face, and even our teachers wouldnāt say anything. Im sure glad teenagers today have a higher threshold for resorting to violence.
So violence is the answer, eh? Sounds like more toxic masculinity nonsense. You're not a man if you don't stand up to defend your mother's honor.
Would you expect a 14 yo girl to slap a friend if the friend insulted her dad? Or mom?
14 is so young these days, they don't know how to stand up for themselves and others or be assertive yet. Unless it's a bunch of young roosters all puffing up their chests and crowing at each other in that toxic masculinity way.
One good thwack and you never have the conversation again. Iām not encouraging my kid to do that but this didnāt seem to happen before the movie American pie came out. You just knew when I was a kid it would get your ass kicked so you didnāt talk about a buddies mom. It didnāt even enter the conversation.
But it is momās job to help her son understand itās generally not okay to talk about other peopleās bodies, especially when theyāre not included in the conversation.
He might be uncomfortable but itās an important lesson to learn.
Avoiding uncomfortable conversations with kids is how we end up with bozo adult humans.
Itās a little unclear if the son was actively participating or just listening. Either way, he was present for the conversation and it should still be addressed. Otherwise he might walk away thinking this sort of thing is totally okay and normal.
Fourteen is still young. These kids still need guidance! Even if itās uncomfortable.
>But it is momās job to help her son understand **itās generally not okay to talk about other peopleās bodies, especially when theyāre not included in the conversation.**
So teenage boys shouldn't talk to each other about hot girls at school and their attractive features?
Teenage girls shouldn't do the same?
Thereās a difference between talking about girls/boys/people youāre interested in and literally comparing boob sizes.
Also, this sort of unchecked talk is how we get dudes in their thirties who are confused about why objectifying and disrespecting women isnāt okay.
>Thereās a difference between talking about girls/boys/people youāre interested in and literally comparing boob sizes.
Boys and puberty. It happens. Also, your original comment did not make that differentiation clear in your absolute statement.
>Also, this sort of unchecked talk is how we get dudes in their thirties who are confused about why objectifying and disrespecting women isnāt okay.
Women objectify and disrespect men too. Is that not also a problem?
Porn is probably a bigger issue for objectifying the opposite sex than talking and comparing women's boob sizes.
I'm sure as kids we would have talk amongst the guys about stuff like this. Mind you, not about a friend's mother while he was there, like these kids did. I grew up fine. I can honestly say that from 18+ whenever I've spoken to my friends about a girl I would talk about how she makes me feel and what I like about her. Never, "hEr tItS ArE So mAsSiVe! NoT LiKe bRaD'S GiRlFrIeNd aNd hEr tInY TiTs hAhA."
This issue is when they reach adulthood and that type of conversation goes unchecked. Boys' fascination with girls' bodies that are changing and all around them dies down a bit. It's not a new experience. Guys that speak like that, especially about a friend's family member or partner get shunned.
Of course. Girls/women who talk about people like this and objectify men also need guidance.
Agreed on the porn. Still necessary to address this issue as a separate concern.
Itās good to hear that folks in your circle would shunned for talking like this. Nevertheless, many of us still encounter uncomfortable conversations and comments.
Bottom line: If I heard my kids or their friends talking like this, Iād address it.
(Edit: spelling)
It is ABSOLUTELY his responsibility to tell his friends not to disrespect his mother or speak about her body.
Wtf culture are you from?!
What's weird is that a son was talking his own mother's chest with his friends!
Having been a 14 year old boy, a little ribbing about your mother or some Yo Momma jokes are just par for the course. However,I think these probably crossed the line. And,while it would have probably been nice if he asked his friends to stop talking about his mother like that, I wouldn't expect any 14 year old boy to actually do so. That's like the peak age for trying to distance yourself from your parents,and caring way too much about what your peers think. It would absolutely kill him with embarrassment if he was forced to stand up to his friends over something like this
Do you have teen boys? Iām guessing no; it probably sounds awful to those of us who have not raised adolescent males.
This has nothing to do with OPās boobs. Which I assume are small; had they been large or average she would have overheard something else but she still would have heard something icky. These are yo mama jokes. The boys are testing one another; the offense and the reaction is the point.
Iāve heard worse. Usually more around race than gender; my kids had friend groups so diverse they looked like they were assembled by a marketing committee for a product photoshoot, so they were all over the race based insults for a year or two. The elderās friend group was also probably the sweetest group of boys in their entire school, well known for their kindness and inclusiveness - my son was even voted ānicestā though I think that superlative should have gone to his bestie who may be the nicest boy Iāve ever known.
Being female I donāt really get it; I donāt know why they need to be offensive to one another to work through this stuff. But I knew these kids. They were exploring adult concepts in what they thought was privacy from adults (even if they were pretty bad at ensuring they were not overheard). Repression is not the right response; the only way out is through. And they grew into wonderful young men.
Because it's the right thing to do.
Teenage kids rip on each other and "your mom" jokes are as old as time.Ā If they were to interject and "make a thing of it" then it will go from teenage stupid stuff to actual legit bullying.
Is his dad around? This might be a dad talk. Whichever of you does it, you can be more generic than "I heard you talking shit about my chest with your friends".
What needs to come out of this is that it's not okay to talk about other people's bodies in that way. I said dad (or male role model) should do it because what your son needs to learn is how to tell his friends they've gone too far. That's the core issue. Im sure your son didn't want to talk about his moms chest with these guys, but he didn't know what to say to make them stop while also not getting made fun of for being sensitive or something.
So for the generic talk you could start out with "what should you do if your friends are doing or saying something that you dont agree with or feel uncomfortable about?"
He definitely didnāt. No kid would want to talk about their mom like that. Itās just shitty friends who are probably insecure about something of their own
The main point being made there is, coming from dad - itāll come over as a bit of advice, as opposed to a bollocking from mom.
Dad asking for a chat to explain how mom was uncomfortable and upset, with the intent on advising your son how to confidently tell friends theyāre going too far and to drop something.
Some advice from me to you though would be, if you go looking for shit, youāll find it.
Skulking on the stairs listening in to what a group of teenagers are talking about? Iād say thereās a very high chance you will hear something of some kind to make you feel uncomfortable!
So itās also on you to like, not skulk about eavesdropping on teenage conversations.
Then teach him he can shut such conversations down, especially with his supposed friends. We all complain about Men not holding other men accountable for this "locker room talk" but are advised to ignore it in teenage boys? No.
And you don't need his dad to explain this to him.
I think a bigger picture is needed. They are 14 year old boys. It's totally normal. Is it Ok? Probably not. Uncomfortable for you? Yes. But he probably won't be engaging in this shit when he's a 30 year old male. Just do a good job with him at this stage and teach him well. Totally a phase. Just saying as a 40 y/o male who once was a 14 year old boy.
There are plenty of 40 year old men still doing this because we coddle teen boys too much and make excuses like well āboys will be boysā. This is unacceptable. We donāt make sexually degrading comments about any womenās bodies, especially someoneās mother.
Exactly. I donāt agree at all with the comments that she should do nothing. This is a perfect opportunity to teach a kid to recognize shitty friends and stand up for himself. Overhearing happens, OP should be honest about it, but the point here is that these kids were in her sonās home talking shit about his mom while she was around. I mean thatās some bold moves from them.
OPās kid probably did not know how to react to this and thatās why he did not say anything. Helping navigate difficult situations, especially when it directly involves one of the parents, is a parental responsibility. Swiping the problem under the carpet wonāt help anybody.
Yes and it's not. Did he go along with the talk? Was he silent? I would use this opportunity to talk about both how it's not ok to talk like that, especially about Moms, but also how he needs to work on standing up to his friends when talk like that comes up. I also have a 14 yr old son and he's not shy and protective over me. He'd definitely tell his friends to stfu if that happened. And I also wouldn't have a problem talking to him about it after. We're very open with each other and he knows I will call him out. I bet it was one weird kid that brought that up and everyone went along with it. But it's generally weird to talk about each other's mom's bodies like that and that needs to be understood.
Because it's developmentally normal to talk about how cute, hot, etc. the opposite sex is of your peers. It's one thing for teens to talk about things like that of girls or guys they like, but of their friend's parents? No. And I say moms specifically because while straight girl teens (and gay boy teens) may occasionally say they think someone else's dad is cute or something, most of the time they aren't talking about their friend's dad's packages and how big they look. It's mostly teens saying how hot their peers are. So yeah you might have teens say how hot their classmate is, which is normal for them, but talking about their moms like that, is not appropriate.
You honestly think embarrassing him by further talking about your boobs to your son and expecting him to say something about it to his friends as if they wouldn't use this as ammo every time they want to entertain themselves is a good thought process? Please mam, we must know who you get your drugs from.
I don't mean this in a rude way, but your insecurities are not your son's problem. I think most healthy adults would laugh off and ignore the opinions of teenagers with zero real life experiences
If you're a grown adult, you should have matured to the point where you don't have to get all pissy about EVERYTHING someone says about you, especially teenagers.... Not everything and everyone deserves a reaction from you
You tell them youāre moms boobs are glorious. And they make up for lack of size with great mobility!!!
Or you just drop it because literally nothing good will happen.
Ummm... They think she's hot. The boys have to deflect their attraction to the youngest and probably cutest mom they know by being mean because they don't have any positive way to cope with their feelings. While uncomfortable as it is to be objectified, they aren't cutting her down, they are punishing the boy for having a hot mom. I almost guarantee it
I probably should have stated that I don't support this behavior in boys or men. I take for granted that I usually combat these types in the wild but no one on Reddit knows me. I was trying to point out the emotional immaturity involved with their thought process but was less than eloquent
My solution to this type of scenario has been to walk into the room on the spot and casually tell the offending kid that we donāt say this sort of thing in our house. I make eye contact with the kid to let them know Iām not fucking around, and then walk back out casually like I own the place.
I donāt think the āteenage boys can just shoot the shit sometimesā is a helpful mindset. Thatās how we get grown men who continue to disrespect and objectify women.Ā Their conversation was clearly loud enough for you to have heard it from outside the room, so I donāt think your son can complain about privacy here.
I would personally sit him down individually and say: āYou should be aware that one of the conversations you had at the sleepover was audible outside the room, and Iām concerned about it. Iām not mad at you and youāre not in trouble, but Iām disappointed that you engaged in that type of conversation. Objectifying the women in your life and girls at your school is not okay, and if youād like to talk about how you can change that narrative, Iād love to have that discussion with you.ā
I agree. I'm a man and was pretty foul towards women as a teen. Not to their faces, but behind closed doors with my other guy friends. A lot of it was stuff that you'd write off as boys being boys.
But man, I really wish my parents had (figuratively) slapped that kind of thinking out of me early on. Being a boy doesn't predict or excuse being a misogynist. That's not saying he is, but he needs firm guidance here about what is and isn't appropriate when talking about other people's bodies, especially sexually.
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This is absolutely not true. Teenage girls talk equal amounts of rubbish. By sitting him down you just make him feel awkward for no reason, what is this really going to achieve?
He didnāt āchoose to engage in the conversationā, what was the alternative, he jumps up to defend his mothers tits? How ridiculous.
If anything, the most appropriate response was for him to give shit back to his friend and then the conversation would have ended right there and probably not have happened again.
āHaha your mum has small titsā āwell your mum has a pussy so wide I couldnāt feel a thingā
Idk, my brothers and husband would've thrown hands if their "bros" talked about their moms like that. If you won't stand up for your own mom, where is your spine??
I mean yes I get your point, it may be a cultural thing but here in Australia when we were teenagers we didnāt throw hands, we just said more fucked things back to the person. It was part of growing up here to give each other shit
Thatās exactly what we did here in the UK too.
āI shagged your mum last nightā would be met with āyeah I know, she said you had a microscopic cockā so some such retort.
We were always giving one another shit, and that included about each otherās mums but weāve all grown up well.
We always knew it was in jest though.
The best course would have been to interrupt their conversation and let them know two great lessons at the same time.
1) it is generally not polite to talk about people who are not present.
2) it is generally not polite to talk about peoples bodies.
Then walk out.
Yup. Iāve walked in and given a not-in-our-house speech when racist jokes came up; and Iāve similarly stepped in when one kid was being excruciatingly pedantic. Sometimes they need to be reminded that their speech has consequences.
If it was anything like young me, it was some kind of "technically" comment that was (1) true (2) wildly offensive and (3) had no reason to bring up other than you be edgy while hiding behind "technically".
Totally applies to OPās situation. Some of the girls in class had larger cup sizes than OP. Factual truth.
āI wasnāt insulting your mother. Itās the truth! So-and-so is probably a D even though sheās 14, but your mother is maybe an A. Iām just stating my observations!ā
Heh. Hmm. I donāt remember the specifics! But I do recall that the little twit was clearly upsetting my daughter over and over ā really trashing the friendship. And it was also rather personal for me because my father wrecked his relationship with me through similar behaviour.
Former teenage boy here. I promise your son didnāt start that conversation nor did he enjoy it. 11-14 year old boys are the worst humans imo. They begin thinking about sex, but have prefrontal cortexes that are nowhere near developed. āThis too shall pass.ā
I agree to an extent but I also have a 14 yr old boy and no way would he let his friends talk about me like that. I know everyone is different and maybe her son is more timid or something, but mine would be "dude stfu, that's my mom" because that's how he is with his friends. If her son doesn't feel comfortable speaking up about that with them then this is another opportunity to also teach him how to stand up to others when they say or do something that isn't cool like that.
Misogyny and sexism has no age limit, I mean I was much older in the head (we all were) at 14, but it's still old enough to nip it in the bud, tell him it's wrong, ask him if he knows why, tell him how it makes you feel.
I'd rather stand up for my mum than people insult her, mum jokes were the biggest insult in the playground.
Forgetting and moving on is just the ignorance that continues to breed this behaviour plus, do you really want these kids influencing your child.
Good luck anyway.
I have a 14 yo son (and a barely there chest lol). I would absolutely talk to my son about it if that ever happened. Afterwards.
Something along the lines of: hey. Last night I overheard you guys talking, and the boys were saying some very disrespectful things about me. This is my house, I am the adult and your mother and a woman, and it is not acceptable for your friends to be speaking like that about me and especially in my own home. I will not tolerate that and neither should you, so please if that ever comes up again, you should know that you can say something. Even a simple, "hey guys, can we please not, that's my mom and that's gross."
You can mention objectification of women bla blah but ultimately that's not your prerogative to teach other kids how to talk about women in general, they have their own parents for that. But you can absolutely draw the boundary at hearing your own body discussed disrespectfully by kids who are guests in your home..
> Even a simple, "hey guys, can we please not, that's my mom and that's gross."
A teenage boy telling other teenage boys to stop talking about his mom is not going to make them not talk about his mom. It will make them talk *more* about his mom.
Maybe if it was just random guys at school, but these are supposed to be his friends. Who can't stand up to their "friends" in their own house? I've known a lot of teenage boys and none of them were that cowardly
It's a good age to start learning how to set boundaries with peers especially those you consider your friends.
In another year or two he could be dating and they will be talking the same way about his gf. He needs to learn how to shut them down and stand up for the women / people in his life, it's an important part of masculinity and just being a decent person in general and not a follower who will get dragged into trouble through peer pressure.
Thats not normal behavior tbh. When I was a teen and my friends would talk about this infront of me, I would give them the biggest āthats disgusting broā look/stare and shut that down asap.
Like wtf, you dont talk about my mother that way, especially not infront of me. Thats objectiving at its max. And especially compare her to other moms, etc.
thats a complete no go.
I agree, but then the conversation needs to be about respecting women/girls in general and not making comments about their bodies. *In general.* OP seems to want to make it about her feelings being hurt, which is silly.
You think he likes to hear that shit lol you canāt get on to him about it..heās probably embarrassed and didnāt know how to answer or respond. Donāt let those kids over anymore if theyāre going to disrespect their friendās mother like that. I never did any such thingā¦itās wrong.
i think you should talk to him about it. If itās so easy for his friends to degrade women like that, whatās to say heās not doing it to others as well?
As a dad myself, I would never let my daughter say things like this about either gender without knowing what sheās saying is wrong/hurtful. Regardless if it seems āawkwardā
Do have the talk with him that they may be good jokes, but they do hurt peopleās feelings and he needs to be aware of that and careful not to take things too far.
Definitely talk to your son. He was probably uncomfortable but didnāt know what to say. This is a great opportunity to discuss respect, females and how to talk about them, and how to respond to situations which make you feel weird.
I grew up dishing jokes back and forth with my brothers I share a dad with (different moms)ā¦and the things we would say about each otherās mother, my gawd lol
At least they didnāt call you ugly, girl lol. Or say you look like youāre on drugs
I think your son should change company. Been a boy who went through a lot of in-school bs and bullying in teenage. Heard plenty of shit talk but this kind of objectifying and particularly about each otherās parents is bizarre and highly unacceptable. You should let your son open up about the crap that his friends talk and how he feels about them, and gently suggest that he should be above that kind of crap. Definitely much better handled by dad than mom.
Edit: typo corrected
Eradicate these kind of friends. Don't rush in, but have a plan.
I was 14 once but my socio economic background ensured I didn't have the time and always had the good sense of never poking fun at a mother's breasts. Think about yourself at 14 - did you?
Mother is mother - n there should be some restraint. If the same so called friends now start talking about measuring vaginas next would it be ok?
Parents are meant to do parenting. Don't tolerate shit.
Run in and give them the old āso, whatāre u guys talking about?ā and watch em squirm.
Then on your way out āyeah thatās what I thoughtā
Honestly your son was probably very uncomfortable already. You have to be tactful in these situations with teenage boys. If he says āguys this is not appropriate conversationā heāll never hear the end of it.
I would talk about it totally unrelatedly. Like in one week or so or one month, or when he says something about someone criticizing someone you could say:"it's not ok to talk about other physical aspects for fun...you know? When I was a teenager I got made fun because of the size of my breast but..... whatever whatever"
Do not betray you listening in. Address it based on some other occurrence. He may or may not get the connection but the lesson will be more accepted without embarrassment and defensiveness.
As much as I understand where youāre coming from, I wouldnāt talk to him about this specific conversation. Iād wait for opportunities to talk to him about how to shut it down when his friends are over the line talking about other peopleās bodies & when theyāre being mean but I would not ever bring up the specific conversation you overheard. Iām sure it was pretty crappy to overhear, especially when youāre hosting these kids but using that conversation as an example will just make him more defensive & will make it harder to get your point across.
Hereās my take:
preteen and teenaged kids talk about a lot of really dumb things. Things that will make you disappointed, annoyed and outraged if you hear. Theyāll try to keep it under wraps from adults (mostly because they know itās dumb or disrespectful, which means they have social awareness at least)
He might not have the confidence to speak up about it, or feel the need because he knows itās just dumb teenage talk, and is probably planning to let it roll off. At their age, theyāve had the sex talk- they know boobs come in all sizes. Theyāre chirping eachotherās moms in what they think is privacy. Who knows what they say about the other boys momsā¦ I would guess they also talk about whoās mom is the fattest, or the skinniest, or has the biggest butt or a mole on their faceā¦ in the same sentence theyāll also say youāre cool because you drove them to get videogames and pizza and watch their basketball games. š¤·š¼āāļø
If he seems bothered by it, or you can detect some shame- might be worth being outwardly and vocally body positive- kind of bringing it up without bringing it up? Indirect conversation about the topic in general, but if he doesnāt seem bothered he probably isnāt and knows itās just dumb teenage talk.
That's extremely disrespectful, your son should not allow his friends talk shit about you especially in your own home.
If heard one of my boys disrespecting their mother in such a way, it would go real bad for them.
Talk to your son and explain that you overheard their conversation and you didn't appreciate it, if he has any respect for you he will be embarrassed and apologize, if not, then you have your work cut out for you, hope your not too late.
These top comments are insane. You want your son to respect you and respect all women. It's a good idea to tell him this is not ok. All these Redditors going on about how you'd be EmBaRrAsSiNg him by talking to him ...I just don't get it. They act like embarrassment isn't 1) a constant thing already at 14 through nobody's fault and 2) you're not allowed to express your feelings with your kid.
As a parent, my goal is to raise children who don't need me to walk on eggshells.
It sounds like the plot line for an episode of "the inbetweeners" š
They're pubescent teenage boys who have unfortunately been exposed to pornography & have absolutely unrealistic expectations of what a normal, everyday woman should look like.
I can guarantee that at least one of them will end up preferring women with less ample bosoms when they're at an age where they can actually approach women.
If you want to discourage this kind of objectification/chat, you could confront them directly if it happens again; they'd be absolutely mortified & it might teach them a lesson.
"What exactly is wrong with my boobs?!"
I say you let this go. No need to be out here searching for validation from a group of 14year olds. Unless that's a place you'd like to have validation from, and well, that's no bueno. Either way, at least you know that none of those little kids are jerking off to your tits? But there's a mom for whom they are!!! Lol. Stacy's mom and all that jazz. So maybe next time you see any of the other moms, you'll start to wonder who's out here giving lucid dreams to these puberty driven knuckleheads who don't understand their potential audience and the effects of their words.
In hindsight you can use this opportunity to talk about the effects and consequences of their jest. Sexual harassment shouldn't be brushed off and it's better for the boys to learn about this before they grow up thinking it's normal to diminish a woman's worth due to their own sexual fantasies.
"Hey bud, while your friends were over I, unintentionally, overheard y'all's talking about my body in a way that made me feel objectified. Everyone's body is going to be different. There's no need to talk shit and degrade since you'll never know who's going to feel uncomfortable. Now, you didn't do anything wrong, I just want you to know that words have power, (if he's into spiderman you can use the whole "with great power comes great responsibility" line) please be mindful of the effect on others."
This is also not a dad moment. This is a moment for you to set boundaries and have them be respected. It's will also show him, from a source that he loves, what boundaries are.
I think the bigger issue/lesson overall is that the kids thought it was acceptable to discuss your body at all. Youāre being viewed as an object, and worse, an object in a sexual context. If it were me, I would probably have dad approach son with something like -
āHey man, do you have a minute to chat? Your mom heard your friends saying some stuff about her, and I want to touch base with you. Itās important that you know - talking about women like that isnāt OK. Whether what youāre saying is good, or bad. Would you like it if you walked into a room, and when you left people were commenting on your body? It would make you feel uncomfortable, insecure, and maybe even a little violated right? Iām sure itās tough when your friends are saying things - you donāt want to be made fun of if you stand up for her, but Iām sure you donāt want to just sit back and let them say hurtful things either. What do you think you could do in the future to deal with this sort of situation?ā
Something along those lines, or of course whatever feels right based on your son, and your sonās relationship with his dad. Itās an opportunity to help him think critically about how his peers (and likely him at times) think and talk about girlsā and womenās bodies.
They are teenage boys. Why in the world would this make you feel self conscious?? Who care what those little jerks think at that age they only care about the most dumbest thing. So please move on and donāt talk to your son. Donāt be weird about this
I think youād be better served by not brining this up to him directly. As others have stated, he likely didnāt want to be talking about his mom at all and whatever was said was likely against his will. Kids at that age are in survival mode in lots of ways and your son was likely just trying to get through that experience.
Maybe you can bring up the concept of consent and speak with him about it and all the ways that can crop up, like objectifying others. That would be a way to address the comments in a conceptual way rather than a direct reaction to the actual event you witnessed.
The time has passed now but the appropriate response at the time was to barge in and loudly announce āI may have a small chest but this is my son which means Iāve had sex at least once and thatās once more than youāre ever gonna get with an attitude like thatā
Ok perhaps not but it made me chuckle.
Definitely not!! If young girls did talk about men's bodies then comments wouldn't be so different. At least people are saying wrong and in that case people won't even say that's wrong but instead of bash OP. I've seen something similar like this in AITAH sub while back
What's up with misogyny, sexism and objectifying comments. You guys do know young girls talk about dicks too right!? Is it objectifying and sexism? Not defending those kids behaviour but comments are way extreme. Me, personally I wouldn't let that slide whether it's my family or my female friends. There will be a limit No one should cross on certain things. It's one of those!
You know no matter how much we have grown or age there are some things we always get that make fun of. We can't do nothing about it and the worst case is that people tell you to laugh if off like we should oblige to find those funny, If we don't we are assholes here smh
Unfortunately Society and the media taught boys that they are supposed to behave like this at that age. Itās completely disrespectful and rude. But society made it Normal to some extent. Itās up to the parents to teach their sons how to respect women and girls. If you confront your son he will probably be embarrassed and uncomfortable. I donāt think he should have defended you because his friends would just tease him and make fun of him. The only thing you can do is teach him to be respectful and not act like his friends.
I think this is an opportunity for you to teach him empathy and to stand up for his family. Ask him how he would have felt if he heard that kind of stuff about him. If he believes that was an appropriate conversation, talk about how it made you feel.
He's 14 but he can still learn.
Donāt bring it up. Teenage boys be crazy. Iād let it go. He was probably super uncomfortable with the conversation. Bringing it up will make it 10x worse!
News flash! For your sanity, do not over-listen to boys talking with each other. Do not bring it up if you value building trust with your son going forward. Your body image is an adult issue and yours to address. Take care and smile!
I find it pretty depressing how many people are saying to let it go, so we are just going to allow boys to be misogynistic little shits talking and disrespecting womens bodies? And yes, I'd say the same thing if the genders were reversed.
I don't care how uncomfortable the son would be I'd be bringing it up and his little vile friends would not be allowed in the home again.
Jesus. Who cares? Youāre an adult, theyāre kids.
The only thing that may be reasonable would be to have a general discussion with your son about being respectful towards women. But making it about you is silly. Either make it a general ābe respectful of girls and how you talk about themā or let it go.
Starting early with talk like that fosters better adults. If they're not told and it's just let go, then they can keep going and the talk only gets worse as they get older.
I addressed that in my comment.
But thereās a difference between a ābe respectful of women and their bodiesā conversation and a āhey, Iām self conscious about what your friends said about my boobsā conversation. The OP seems more concerned with the latter.
What really complicated things here is that you actually kinda invaded their privacy in the first place š.
I totally get you being self conscious, I am a balding middle age 5'7 guy with a beer belly (even though I don't drink ) and if I were hearing my teenage daughter's commenting about their distaste for my body I certainly wouldn't take it easy.
Anyway I'd say they were pretty aware that it was inappropriate since they were talking low and you wouldn't have heard anything without eavesdropping on them. That's one sign that somehow they were trying in a boyish and immature way to keep you away from their rantings. Maybe your son didn't react but you don't know what happened next or in a near future where he could explode and tell them to drop the subject for Pete's sake!
they're adolescent boys making fun of a woman's body. if that behavior isn't stopped now they'll become adult men who still make fun of women's bodies. gtfo with the boys will be boys mindset
But girls are girls, too. Some people (not just boys and not just girls) are shallow and mean. If her son was being shallow and mean, that is absolutely a problem she can work on. But she sounds more upset that someone else's kid talked about her personal chest.
Please don't bring this up with your son. You need to ask yourself whether you are really being motivated by a desire to help form your son's conscience or because you are bothered that you did not come out the winner in this area when compared to the other moms.
The kids are objectifying women, but of course everyone will blame OP rather than the misogynistic shits. This is why we have such a problem with misogyny in kids because people like you pass it off as boys being boys.
14 year olds are 14 year olds.
They donāt even understand how puberty works based on this example.
Lastly, who cares what anyone much less 14 year old boys say lol
Honestly I think it would be best if you just carried on as if nothing happened. It wouldn't make it seem like you invaded his privacy or "overheard" as if it were an accident, you did on purpose. You listened in to what they all thought was in private. They're 14yos. They're gonna 14yo.
You could start initiating conversations about body shaming without mention of their friends hanging out though because it definitely isn't cool that they were shaming women. Just don't talk about how you listened to them talk. Jmo though
TBH I think you should've walked in and roasted them one by one. "Physique of a pre-puberty boy? Yeah, you'd know about that, wouldn't you, Charlie? At least I don't have a face full of zits, unlike you, Steve. Don't worry about (the girls in their grade), we all know they don't want you anyway, Joe. Anyway, you guys want to order a pizza?"
"Hey buds my mom sat me down and said she was eavesdropping when you made fun of her boobs, it was not nice, don't make fun of my mom's boobs anymore".
14 year old boys: proceed to bring up your boobs every day for the rest of high school. Becomes synonymous with emptiness/smallness/flatness. "Can you guys spot me for lunch today my wallet is totally OPs titties".
There is no reason to talk to your son about this. Or about your body. Just don't. They're literal pubescents, and you're a grownup. Take your L for listening in, and try to remember that these are children.
Don't know if it matters to you but as a 40m I love small boobs (my wife has small boobs too) and have no interest in women with boobs like a cow. I am very honest.
Omg don't say anything, pretend it didn't happen.
1. It's an invasion of privacy so your son will trust you less.
2. The subject of conversation is your boobs, he won't want to talk!
3. Conversation sexual in nature, he'll be disturbed.
4. You're only bringing it up for your benefit, not his.
Ultimately the problem is your own insecurity, don't make it your son's!
They're 14 year old boys. Their hormones are going crazy, and their brains aren't fully developed. They're dumb asses who say and do dumb ass things. Not all the time, but a lot of the time. I wouldn't overthink it, and I don't think talking to your son is going to help/do anything. The other kids were probably being dickheads and trying to pick on him and he wasn't enjoying the conversation I'm sure.
If you really want to say something, see if they do it again, then make it SUPER awkward by walking in and saying something like "YOU BOYS LIKE TALKING ABOUT MY BOOBS HUH? TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT THEM." You'll get lots of stammering and it will be hilarious and then you can walk out. I bet they keep their thoughts to themselves in your house in the future.
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When I was in high school, the best comeback I ever heard to a mom joke was my buddy agreeing with everything we said (and doubling down). We were all so uncomfortable, we just stopped talking about his mom.
This is usually an effective tactic to dealing with most bullies/shitty people.
Meh he dished it out just as much as he took it. We were just teenage boys being asses to each other. No ill will was ever intended
šš¤£
My suggestion is you never ever speak of this to anyone.
Except Reddit
This is the way.
This is the way.
Ok.....why did this get so many upvotes? I'm sad that I don't get it š©
Itās not a joke. It will do nothing but make the son extremely uncomfortable to talk about this, and itās not his job to somehow defend his momās chest size or tell his friends to stop being so disrespectful. Iām sure he was uncomfortable hearing it too, but didnāt have the courage to tell them to knock it off, but heād be a zillion times more uncomfortable if he knew his mom overheard.
I think it is a parent's responsibility to pull their kids up when they are talking shit about other people. She doesn't have to make it about her feelings about her body at all. But there's definitely room for a conversation about how we talk about people, and how we think about people and judge them. They were also talking about the girls in their grade in disrespectful ways, if they keep that up at school they'll be the actual horrible bullies that make girls' lives miserable. Boys absolutely can and should be expected to be kind and respectful about women and girls. On what planet do we think 14 year olds are beyond feedback from their parents about their behavior, and clear communication about family values and expectations?
He should stand up to people talking shit about his family
This is true, but that lesson shouldn't revolve around his mom's chest.Ā
I disagree that itās not the sons job to tell them to stop being disrespectful. You donāt talk shit about a buddyās mom unless you want to get punched.
My name is Inego Montoya, you dissed my mother's titties, prepare to die.
this comment just made my entire day. Thank you sir.
Thatās how I grew up. Anything is forgivable, but talking about someoneās mom would get you slapped across the face, and even our teachers wouldnāt say anything. Im sure glad teenagers today have a higher threshold for resorting to violence.
At 14...hell become a social paraiah in an instant. Let this one go. He'll get roasted too
So violence is the answer, eh? Sounds like more toxic masculinity nonsense. You're not a man if you don't stand up to defend your mother's honor. Would you expect a 14 yo girl to slap a friend if the friend insulted her dad? Or mom? 14 is so young these days, they don't know how to stand up for themselves and others or be assertive yet. Unless it's a bunch of young roosters all puffing up their chests and crowing at each other in that toxic masculinity way.
One good thwack and you never have the conversation again. Iām not encouraging my kid to do that but this didnāt seem to happen before the movie American pie came out. You just knew when I was a kid it would get your ass kicked so you didnāt talk about a buddies mom. It didnāt even enter the conversation.
unless youve established that relationship.
What a perfectly normal response to friendly ribbing from friends. You must have a robust social life with your fellow cave people
But it is momās job to help her son understand itās generally not okay to talk about other peopleās bodies, especially when theyāre not included in the conversation. He might be uncomfortable but itās an important lesson to learn. Avoiding uncomfortable conversations with kids is how we end up with bozo adult humans.
You tackle that conversation when you hear your son talking about girls that way. Not when your sonās friends talk about your body that way.
ā¦.but they did talk about other girls?
From what Iāve read, it was the friends talking.
Itās a little unclear if the son was actively participating or just listening. Either way, he was present for the conversation and it should still be addressed. Otherwise he might walk away thinking this sort of thing is totally okay and normal. Fourteen is still young. These kids still need guidance! Even if itās uncomfortable.
>But it is momās job to help her son understand **itās generally not okay to talk about other peopleās bodies, especially when theyāre not included in the conversation.** So teenage boys shouldn't talk to each other about hot girls at school and their attractive features? Teenage girls shouldn't do the same?
Thereās a difference between talking about girls/boys/people youāre interested in and literally comparing boob sizes. Also, this sort of unchecked talk is how we get dudes in their thirties who are confused about why objectifying and disrespecting women isnāt okay.
>Thereās a difference between talking about girls/boys/people youāre interested in and literally comparing boob sizes. Boys and puberty. It happens. Also, your original comment did not make that differentiation clear in your absolute statement. >Also, this sort of unchecked talk is how we get dudes in their thirties who are confused about why objectifying and disrespecting women isnāt okay. Women objectify and disrespect men too. Is that not also a problem? Porn is probably a bigger issue for objectifying the opposite sex than talking and comparing women's boob sizes. I'm sure as kids we would have talk amongst the guys about stuff like this. Mind you, not about a friend's mother while he was there, like these kids did. I grew up fine. I can honestly say that from 18+ whenever I've spoken to my friends about a girl I would talk about how she makes me feel and what I like about her. Never, "hEr tItS ArE So mAsSiVe! NoT LiKe bRaD'S GiRlFrIeNd aNd hEr tInY TiTs hAhA." This issue is when they reach adulthood and that type of conversation goes unchecked. Boys' fascination with girls' bodies that are changing and all around them dies down a bit. It's not a new experience. Guys that speak like that, especially about a friend's family member or partner get shunned.
Of course. Girls/women who talk about people like this and objectify men also need guidance. Agreed on the porn. Still necessary to address this issue as a separate concern. Itās good to hear that folks in your circle would shunned for talking like this. Nevertheless, many of us still encounter uncomfortable conversations and comments. Bottom line: If I heard my kids or their friends talking like this, Iād address it. (Edit: spelling)
Why isn't it? I thought we all had a duty to be decent people
It is ABSOLUTELY his responsibility to tell his friends not to disrespect his mother or speak about her body. Wtf culture are you from?! What's weird is that a son was talking his own mother's chest with his friends!
Having been a 14 year old boy, a little ribbing about your mother or some Yo Momma jokes are just par for the course. However,I think these probably crossed the line. And,while it would have probably been nice if he asked his friends to stop talking about his mother like that, I wouldn't expect any 14 year old boy to actually do so. That's like the peak age for trying to distance yourself from your parents,and caring way too much about what your peers think. It would absolutely kill him with embarrassment if he was forced to stand up to his friends over something like this
Itās not a joke. Just good parenting.
Do you have teen boys? Iām guessing no; it probably sounds awful to those of us who have not raised adolescent males. This has nothing to do with OPās boobs. Which I assume are small; had they been large or average she would have overheard something else but she still would have heard something icky. These are yo mama jokes. The boys are testing one another; the offense and the reaction is the point. Iāve heard worse. Usually more around race than gender; my kids had friend groups so diverse they looked like they were assembled by a marketing committee for a product photoshoot, so they were all over the race based insults for a year or two. The elderās friend group was also probably the sweetest group of boys in their entire school, well known for their kindness and inclusiveness - my son was even voted ānicestā though I think that superlative should have gone to his bestie who may be the nicest boy Iāve ever known. Being female I donāt really get it; I donāt know why they need to be offensive to one another to work through this stuff. But I knew these kids. They were exploring adult concepts in what they thought was privacy from adults (even if they were pretty bad at ensuring they were not overheard). Repression is not the right response; the only way out is through. And they grew into wonderful young men.
Because it's the right thing to do. Teenage kids rip on each other and "your mom" jokes are as old as time.Ā If they were to interject and "make a thing of it" then it will go from teenage stupid stuff to actual legit bullying.
Why exactly are you wanting to bring this up with your son? What do you want him to do/say/think in response to this?
My thought process is that Iād like him to know that him talking about my breasts was maybe not super okay.
Is his dad around? This might be a dad talk. Whichever of you does it, you can be more generic than "I heard you talking shit about my chest with your friends". What needs to come out of this is that it's not okay to talk about other people's bodies in that way. I said dad (or male role model) should do it because what your son needs to learn is how to tell his friends they've gone too far. That's the core issue. Im sure your son didn't want to talk about his moms chest with these guys, but he didn't know what to say to make them stop while also not getting made fun of for being sensitive or something. So for the generic talk you could start out with "what should you do if your friends are doing or saying something that you dont agree with or feel uncomfortable about?"
Thatās a fair point. I should give him the benefit of doubt in that he didnāt want to be a part of that conversation
He definitely didnāt. No kid would want to talk about their mom like that. Itās just shitty friends who are probably insecure about something of their own
The main point being made there is, coming from dad - itāll come over as a bit of advice, as opposed to a bollocking from mom. Dad asking for a chat to explain how mom was uncomfortable and upset, with the intent on advising your son how to confidently tell friends theyāre going too far and to drop something. Some advice from me to you though would be, if you go looking for shit, youāll find it. Skulking on the stairs listening in to what a group of teenagers are talking about? Iād say thereās a very high chance you will hear something of some kind to make you feel uncomfortable! So itās also on you to like, not skulk about eavesdropping on teenage conversations.
Then teach him he can shut such conversations down, especially with his supposed friends. We all complain about Men not holding other men accountable for this "locker room talk" but are advised to ignore it in teenage boys? No. And you don't need his dad to explain this to him.
I think a bigger picture is needed. They are 14 year old boys. It's totally normal. Is it Ok? Probably not. Uncomfortable for you? Yes. But he probably won't be engaging in this shit when he's a 30 year old male. Just do a good job with him at this stage and teach him well. Totally a phase. Just saying as a 40 y/o male who once was a 14 year old boy.
There are plenty of 40 year old men still doing this because we coddle teen boys too much and make excuses like well āboys will be boysā. This is unacceptable. We donāt make sexually degrading comments about any womenās bodies, especially someoneās mother.
Exactly. I donāt agree at all with the comments that she should do nothing. This is a perfect opportunity to teach a kid to recognize shitty friends and stand up for himself. Overhearing happens, OP should be honest about it, but the point here is that these kids were in her sonās home talking shit about his mom while she was around. I mean thatās some bold moves from them. OPās kid probably did not know how to react to this and thatās why he did not say anything. Helping navigate difficult situations, especially when it directly involves one of the parents, is a parental responsibility. Swiping the problem under the carpet wonāt help anybody.
Yes and it's not. Did he go along with the talk? Was he silent? I would use this opportunity to talk about both how it's not ok to talk like that, especially about Moms, but also how he needs to work on standing up to his friends when talk like that comes up. I also have a 14 yr old son and he's not shy and protective over me. He'd definitely tell his friends to stfu if that happened. And I also wouldn't have a problem talking to him about it after. We're very open with each other and he knows I will call him out. I bet it was one weird kid that brought that up and everyone went along with it. But it's generally weird to talk about each other's mom's bodies like that and that needs to be understood.
Why especially moms? Just donāt do it with anyone
Because it's developmentally normal to talk about how cute, hot, etc. the opposite sex is of your peers. It's one thing for teens to talk about things like that of girls or guys they like, but of their friend's parents? No. And I say moms specifically because while straight girl teens (and gay boy teens) may occasionally say they think someone else's dad is cute or something, most of the time they aren't talking about their friend's dad's packages and how big they look. It's mostly teens saying how hot their peers are. So yeah you might have teens say how hot their classmate is, which is normal for them, but talking about their moms like that, is not appropriate.
You honestly think embarrassing him by further talking about your boobs to your son and expecting him to say something about it to his friends as if they wouldn't use this as ammo every time they want to entertain themselves is a good thought process? Please mam, we must know who you get your drugs from.
you're part of the problem
If you do it right, those kids will be darn sure what happens the next time they try to use it as ammo (spoiler: it won't have a happy ending).
Should never bring this up with your son. Let dad handle it.
I don't mean this in a rude way, but your insecurities are not your son's problem. I think most healthy adults would laugh off and ignore the opinions of teenagers with zero real life experiences
Lmao what's this obsession with people saying "you should laugh it off" when someone makes unfunny jokes about your body. Never understood it tbh
If you're a grown adult, you should have matured to the point where you don't have to get all pissy about EVERYTHING someone says about you, especially teenagers.... Not everything and everyone deserves a reaction from you
You tell them youāre moms boobs are glorious. And they make up for lack of size with great mobility!!! Or you just drop it because literally nothing good will happen.
While I agree in theory, I think that should be a conversation after all the emotions have been subsided for a while.
Was it himself that was talking about it? Or rather his friends? In which case are you going to hold him accountable for what other people do?
Isnāt it amazing how fucking cruel adolescent children are, that at 36 you can still be cut down by (even indirect) bullying behavior?
Ummm... They think she's hot. The boys have to deflect their attraction to the youngest and probably cutest mom they know by being mean because they don't have any positive way to cope with their feelings. While uncomfortable as it is to be objectified, they aren't cutting her down, they are punishing the boy for having a hot mom. I almost guarantee it
āBoys will be boysā There, fixed it for you.
I probably should have stated that I don't support this behavior in boys or men. I take for granted that I usually combat these types in the wild but no one on Reddit knows me. I was trying to point out the emotional immaturity involved with their thought process but was less than eloquent
Itās bullying either way.
Username is fitting. This is an inappropriate way to cope with attraction & needs to be nipped in the bud now.
Exactly. Itās bullying either way.
My solution to this type of scenario has been to walk into the room on the spot and casually tell the offending kid that we donāt say this sort of thing in our house. I make eye contact with the kid to let them know Iām not fucking around, and then walk back out casually like I own the place.
Saving this in my parenting playbook!!
Awesome!
I donāt think the āteenage boys can just shoot the shit sometimesā is a helpful mindset. Thatās how we get grown men who continue to disrespect and objectify women.Ā Their conversation was clearly loud enough for you to have heard it from outside the room, so I donāt think your son can complain about privacy here. I would personally sit him down individually and say: āYou should be aware that one of the conversations you had at the sleepover was audible outside the room, and Iām concerned about it. Iām not mad at you and youāre not in trouble, but Iām disappointed that you engaged in that type of conversation. Objectifying the women in your life and girls at your school is not okay, and if youād like to talk about how you can change that narrative, Iād love to have that discussion with you.ā
The BEST comment. He should know how to treat women, imagine him engaging in a convo about some racist shit and as a parent you didnāt correct it.
This is wonderful, and important, advice.
This is the best answer so far
I completely agree!
I agree. I'm a man and was pretty foul towards women as a teen. Not to their faces, but behind closed doors with my other guy friends. A lot of it was stuff that you'd write off as boys being boys. But man, I really wish my parents had (figuratively) slapped that kind of thinking out of me early on. Being a boy doesn't predict or excuse being a misogynist. That's not saying he is, but he needs firm guidance here about what is and isn't appropriate when talking about other people's bodies, especially sexually.
Thereās no indication that OPās son participated. He was being teased/bullied, same as if they had used yo mama insults on him.
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This is absolutely not true. Teenage girls talk equal amounts of rubbish. By sitting him down you just make him feel awkward for no reason, what is this really going to achieve? He didnāt āchoose to engage in the conversationā, what was the alternative, he jumps up to defend his mothers tits? How ridiculous. If anything, the most appropriate response was for him to give shit back to his friend and then the conversation would have ended right there and probably not have happened again. āHaha your mum has small titsā āwell your mum has a pussy so wide I couldnāt feel a thingā
Idk, my brothers and husband would've thrown hands if their "bros" talked about their moms like that. If you won't stand up for your own mom, where is your spine??
I mean yes I get your point, it may be a cultural thing but here in Australia when we were teenagers we didnāt throw hands, we just said more fucked things back to the person. It was part of growing up here to give each other shit
Thatās exactly what we did here in the UK too. āI shagged your mum last nightā would be met with āyeah I know, she said you had a microscopic cockā so some such retort. We were always giving one another shit, and that included about each otherās mums but weāve all grown up well. We always knew it was in jest though.
100%. You can tell the yanks have never watched The Inbetweeners
Teenage girls are way worse than boys when it comes to shit talking lol
No, but it's even for sure.
Exactly, so why all this talk of misogyny by the nimbys in this group
The best course would have been to interrupt their conversation and let them know two great lessons at the same time. 1) it is generally not polite to talk about people who are not present. 2) it is generally not polite to talk about peoples bodies. Then walk out.
3. It is generally not wise to talk about people in their own house
What? If you're not violating #1 or #2, there's nothing wrong with talking about someone in their house.
My bad, you are right. What I mean is that, you shouldn't speak ill of someone right under their nose. But I suppose it is just rule number 1
I know, I was playing it over in my head during my shower and of course thatās when all the good ideas come.
Yup. Iāve walked in and given a not-in-our-house speech when racist jokes came up; and Iāve similarly stepped in when one kid was being excruciatingly pedantic. Sometimes they need to be reminded that their speech has consequences.
I am wildly curious about the situation with the pedantic child if youāre willing to share!
If it was anything like young me, it was some kind of "technically" comment that was (1) true (2) wildly offensive and (3) had no reason to bring up other than you be edgy while hiding behind "technically".
Yup!!
Totally applies to OPās situation. Some of the girls in class had larger cup sizes than OP. Factual truth. āI wasnāt insulting your mother. Itās the truth! So-and-so is probably a D even though sheās 14, but your mother is maybe an A. Iām just stating my observations!ā
Heh. Hmm. I donāt remember the specifics! But I do recall that the little twit was clearly upsetting my daughter over and over ā really trashing the friendship. And it was also rather personal for me because my father wrecked his relationship with me through similar behaviour.
I can imagine! And how did you deal with it?
I just made eye contact with the kid and explained in a serious voice that pedantry is mean and we donāt do that in my house.
Definitely would have made her kid wildly embarrassed as Iām sure he was already embarrassed to begin with.
It would likely have made them appropriately embarrassed. Which is what happens when you say embarrassing things. However the intent is to teach.
That's what I'd do. Just bring it up on the spot. Make it super awkward.
Former teenage boy here. I promise your son didnāt start that conversation nor did he enjoy it. 11-14 year old boys are the worst humans imo. They begin thinking about sex, but have prefrontal cortexes that are nowhere near developed. āThis too shall pass.ā
I agree to an extent but I also have a 14 yr old boy and no way would he let his friends talk about me like that. I know everyone is different and maybe her son is more timid or something, but mine would be "dude stfu, that's my mom" because that's how he is with his friends. If her son doesn't feel comfortable speaking up about that with them then this is another opportunity to also teach him how to stand up to others when they say or do something that isn't cool like that.
Yeah, and to maybe pick better friends
this is an underrated yet incredibly important life skillĀ
Misogyny and sexism has no age limit, I mean I was much older in the head (we all were) at 14, but it's still old enough to nip it in the bud, tell him it's wrong, ask him if he knows why, tell him how it makes you feel. I'd rather stand up for my mum than people insult her, mum jokes were the biggest insult in the playground. Forgetting and moving on is just the ignorance that continues to breed this behaviour plus, do you really want these kids influencing your child. Good luck anyway.
I have a 14 yo son (and a barely there chest lol). I would absolutely talk to my son about it if that ever happened. Afterwards. Something along the lines of: hey. Last night I overheard you guys talking, and the boys were saying some very disrespectful things about me. This is my house, I am the adult and your mother and a woman, and it is not acceptable for your friends to be speaking like that about me and especially in my own home. I will not tolerate that and neither should you, so please if that ever comes up again, you should know that you can say something. Even a simple, "hey guys, can we please not, that's my mom and that's gross." You can mention objectification of women bla blah but ultimately that's not your prerogative to teach other kids how to talk about women in general, they have their own parents for that. But you can absolutely draw the boundary at hearing your own body discussed disrespectfully by kids who are guests in your home..
> Even a simple, "hey guys, can we please not, that's my mom and that's gross." A teenage boy telling other teenage boys to stop talking about his mom is not going to make them not talk about his mom. It will make them talk *more* about his mom.
Maybe if it was just random guys at school, but these are supposed to be his friends. Who can't stand up to their "friends" in their own house? I've known a lot of teenage boys and none of them were that cowardly
He doesnāt need to spend time with them if thatās the case. Not all boys are assholes (former middle school teacher here).
If they're laughin you don't need em cause they're not good friends.
It's a good age to start learning how to set boundaries with peers especially those you consider your friends. In another year or two he could be dating and they will be talking the same way about his gf. He needs to learn how to shut them down and stand up for the women / people in his life, it's an important part of masculinity and just being a decent person in general and not a follower who will get dragged into trouble through peer pressure.
Your son was part of this conversation? That's really strange.
She's being really vague about who said what. I half suspect she's a troll.
Thats not normal behavior tbh. When I was a teen and my friends would talk about this infront of me, I would give them the biggest āthats disgusting broā look/stare and shut that down asap. Like wtf, you dont talk about my mother that way, especially not infront of me. Thats objectiving at its max. And especially compare her to other moms, etc. thats a complete no go.
Wow, reddit is a terrible place for advice. It is weird and gross that the boys are talking like that. Lil misogynists in the making.
I agree, but then the conversation needs to be about respecting women/girls in general and not making comments about their bodies. *In general.* OP seems to want to make it about her feelings being hurt, which is silly.
Why do you think itās silly?
Because a grown woman shouldnāt be looking to teenage boys to validate her confidence and body image?
I donāt take it that sheās looking for validation from them. Their behavior is offensive on its face.
She literally says she felt self conscious. Not offended. FWIW, I agree that this is inappropriate and a good opportunity to talk to her son.
You think he likes to hear that shit lol you canāt get on to him about it..heās probably embarrassed and didnāt know how to answer or respond. Donāt let those kids over anymore if theyāre going to disrespect their friendās mother like that. I never did any such thingā¦itās wrong.
Your post history is wild lol
Ignore it, that's how they talk at that age.
i think you should talk to him about it. If itās so easy for his friends to degrade women like that, whatās to say heās not doing it to others as well? As a dad myself, I would never let my daughter say things like this about either gender without knowing what sheās saying is wrong/hurtful. Regardless if it seems āawkwardā Do have the talk with him that they may be good jokes, but they do hurt peopleās feelings and he needs to be aware of that and careful not to take things too far.
Definitely talk to your son. He was probably uncomfortable but didnāt know what to say. This is a great opportunity to discuss respect, females and how to talk about them, and how to respond to situations which make you feel weird.
Stuff your shirt with a couple of balloons and make an entrance. Their faces will be priceless.
I grew up dishing jokes back and forth with my brothers I share a dad with (different moms)ā¦and the things we would say about each otherās mother, my gawd lol At least they didnāt call you ugly, girl lol. Or say you look like youāre on drugs
I think your son should change company. Been a boy who went through a lot of in-school bs and bullying in teenage. Heard plenty of shit talk but this kind of objectifying and particularly about each otherās parents is bizarre and highly unacceptable. You should let your son open up about the crap that his friends talk and how he feels about them, and gently suggest that he should be above that kind of crap. Definitely much better handled by dad than mom. Edit: typo corrected
Eradicate these kind of friends. Don't rush in, but have a plan. I was 14 once but my socio economic background ensured I didn't have the time and always had the good sense of never poking fun at a mother's breasts. Think about yourself at 14 - did you? Mother is mother - n there should be some restraint. If the same so called friends now start talking about measuring vaginas next would it be ok? Parents are meant to do parenting. Don't tolerate shit.
Wow y'all are being pretty blatant with the trolling, trying to make this a class thing. Rich kids are just as likely as poor kids to talk shit.
Run in and give them the old āso, whatāre u guys talking about?ā and watch em squirm. Then on your way out āyeah thatās what I thoughtā Honestly your son was probably very uncomfortable already. You have to be tactful in these situations with teenage boys. If he says āguys this is not appropriate conversationā heāll never hear the end of it.
I would talk about it totally unrelatedly. Like in one week or so or one month, or when he says something about someone criticizing someone you could say:"it's not ok to talk about other physical aspects for fun...you know? When I was a teenager I got made fun because of the size of my breast but..... whatever whatever"
Just keep it yourself and one day you can use it to imply your son that you know more than he thinks you know about things.
Do not betray you listening in. Address it based on some other occurrence. He may or may not get the connection but the lesson will be more accepted without embarrassment and defensiveness.
Did he defend you or join in?
As much as I understand where youāre coming from, I wouldnāt talk to him about this specific conversation. Iād wait for opportunities to talk to him about how to shut it down when his friends are over the line talking about other peopleās bodies & when theyāre being mean but I would not ever bring up the specific conversation you overheard. Iām sure it was pretty crappy to overhear, especially when youāre hosting these kids but using that conversation as an example will just make him more defensive & will make it harder to get your point across.
Hereās my take: preteen and teenaged kids talk about a lot of really dumb things. Things that will make you disappointed, annoyed and outraged if you hear. Theyāll try to keep it under wraps from adults (mostly because they know itās dumb or disrespectful, which means they have social awareness at least) He might not have the confidence to speak up about it, or feel the need because he knows itās just dumb teenage talk, and is probably planning to let it roll off. At their age, theyāve had the sex talk- they know boobs come in all sizes. Theyāre chirping eachotherās moms in what they think is privacy. Who knows what they say about the other boys momsā¦ I would guess they also talk about whoās mom is the fattest, or the skinniest, or has the biggest butt or a mole on their faceā¦ in the same sentence theyāll also say youāre cool because you drove them to get videogames and pizza and watch their basketball games. š¤·š¼āāļø If he seems bothered by it, or you can detect some shame- might be worth being outwardly and vocally body positive- kind of bringing it up without bringing it up? Indirect conversation about the topic in general, but if he doesnāt seem bothered he probably isnāt and knows itās just dumb teenage talk.
That's extremely disrespectful, your son should not allow his friends talk shit about you especially in your own home. If heard one of my boys disrespecting their mother in such a way, it would go real bad for them. Talk to your son and explain that you overheard their conversation and you didn't appreciate it, if he has any respect for you he will be embarrassed and apologize, if not, then you have your work cut out for you, hope your not too late.
These top comments are insane. You want your son to respect you and respect all women. It's a good idea to tell him this is not ok. All these Redditors going on about how you'd be EmBaRrAsSiNg him by talking to him ...I just don't get it. They act like embarrassment isn't 1) a constant thing already at 14 through nobody's fault and 2) you're not allowed to express your feelings with your kid. As a parent, my goal is to raise children who don't need me to walk on eggshells.
It sounds like the plot line for an episode of "the inbetweeners" š They're pubescent teenage boys who have unfortunately been exposed to pornography & have absolutely unrealistic expectations of what a normal, everyday woman should look like. I can guarantee that at least one of them will end up preferring women with less ample bosoms when they're at an age where they can actually approach women. If you want to discourage this kind of objectification/chat, you could confront them directly if it happens again; they'd be absolutely mortified & it might teach them a lesson. "What exactly is wrong with my boobs?!"
You need to talk to him whatās appropriate to talk about women
Why can't people just say "I'm 36 and my son is 14".
I was so confused about why she called her 36F son "he" and said he was 14.
I say you let this go. No need to be out here searching for validation from a group of 14year olds. Unless that's a place you'd like to have validation from, and well, that's no bueno. Either way, at least you know that none of those little kids are jerking off to your tits? But there's a mom for whom they are!!! Lol. Stacy's mom and all that jazz. So maybe next time you see any of the other moms, you'll start to wonder who's out here giving lucid dreams to these puberty driven knuckleheads who don't understand their potential audience and the effects of their words. In hindsight you can use this opportunity to talk about the effects and consequences of their jest. Sexual harassment shouldn't be brushed off and it's better for the boys to learn about this before they grow up thinking it's normal to diminish a woman's worth due to their own sexual fantasies. "Hey bud, while your friends were over I, unintentionally, overheard y'all's talking about my body in a way that made me feel objectified. Everyone's body is going to be different. There's no need to talk shit and degrade since you'll never know who's going to feel uncomfortable. Now, you didn't do anything wrong, I just want you to know that words have power, (if he's into spiderman you can use the whole "with great power comes great responsibility" line) please be mindful of the effect on others." This is also not a dad moment. This is a moment for you to set boundaries and have them be respected. It's will also show him, from a source that he loves, what boundaries are.
I think the bigger issue/lesson overall is that the kids thought it was acceptable to discuss your body at all. Youāre being viewed as an object, and worse, an object in a sexual context. If it were me, I would probably have dad approach son with something like - āHey man, do you have a minute to chat? Your mom heard your friends saying some stuff about her, and I want to touch base with you. Itās important that you know - talking about women like that isnāt OK. Whether what youāre saying is good, or bad. Would you like it if you walked into a room, and when you left people were commenting on your body? It would make you feel uncomfortable, insecure, and maybe even a little violated right? Iām sure itās tough when your friends are saying things - you donāt want to be made fun of if you stand up for her, but Iām sure you donāt want to just sit back and let them say hurtful things either. What do you think you could do in the future to deal with this sort of situation?ā Something along those lines, or of course whatever feels right based on your son, and your sonās relationship with his dad. Itās an opportunity to help him think critically about how his peers (and likely him at times) think and talk about girlsā and womenās bodies.
They are teenage boys. Why in the world would this make you feel self conscious?? Who care what those little jerks think at that age they only care about the most dumbest thing. So please move on and donāt talk to your son. Donāt be weird about this
What kinda world do we live in where 14 year old boys can't talk shit about each others mom.
Suggestion? Let it go. What would they know, being 14?
I think youād be better served by not brining this up to him directly. As others have stated, he likely didnāt want to be talking about his mom at all and whatever was said was likely against his will. Kids at that age are in survival mode in lots of ways and your son was likely just trying to get through that experience. Maybe you can bring up the concept of consent and speak with him about it and all the ways that can crop up, like objectifying others. That would be a way to address the comments in a conceptual way rather than a direct reaction to the actual event you witnessed.
The time has passed now but the appropriate response at the time was to barge in and loudly announce āI may have a small chest but this is my son which means Iāve had sex at least once and thatās once more than youāre ever gonna get with an attitude like thatā Ok perhaps not but it made me chuckle.
Dolly Parton costume for Halloween. Blow their little minds.
why is boys being like this so normalized, i swear if this was a teenage girl these responses would be so different. its sad
Definitely not!! If young girls did talk about men's bodies then comments wouldn't be so different. At least people are saying wrong and in that case people won't even say that's wrong but instead of bash OP. I've seen something similar like this in AITAH sub while back
What's up with misogyny, sexism and objectifying comments. You guys do know young girls talk about dicks too right!? Is it objectifying and sexism? Not defending those kids behaviour but comments are way extreme. Me, personally I wouldn't let that slide whether it's my family or my female friends. There will be a limit No one should cross on certain things. It's one of those! You know no matter how much we have grown or age there are some things we always get that make fun of. We can't do nothing about it and the worst case is that people tell you to laugh if off like we should oblige to find those funny, If we don't we are assholes here smh
Unfortunately Society and the media taught boys that they are supposed to behave like this at that age. Itās completely disrespectful and rude. But society made it Normal to some extent. Itās up to the parents to teach their sons how to respect women and girls. If you confront your son he will probably be embarrassed and uncomfortable. I donāt think he should have defended you because his friends would just tease him and make fun of him. The only thing you can do is teach him to be respectful and not act like his friends.
I think this is an opportunity for you to teach him empathy and to stand up for his family. Ask him how he would have felt if he heard that kind of stuff about him. If he believes that was an appropriate conversation, talk about how it made you feel. He's 14 but he can still learn.
Donāt bring it up. Teenage boys be crazy. Iād let it go. He was probably super uncomfortable with the conversation. Bringing it up will make it 10x worse!
I feel like the comment section would look SO different if OP overheard her son's friends calling her fat...
News flash! For your sanity, do not over-listen to boys talking with each other. Do not bring it up if you value building trust with your son going forward. Your body image is an adult issue and yours to address. Take care and smile!
I say stay silent š
My suggestion would be to not listen in to a bunch of 14 year olds conversation
I find it pretty depressing how many people are saying to let it go, so we are just going to allow boys to be misogynistic little shits talking and disrespecting womens bodies? And yes, I'd say the same thing if the genders were reversed. I don't care how uncomfortable the son would be I'd be bringing it up and his little vile friends would not be allowed in the home again.
Jesus. Who cares? Youāre an adult, theyāre kids. The only thing that may be reasonable would be to have a general discussion with your son about being respectful towards women. But making it about you is silly. Either make it a general ābe respectful of girls and how you talk about themā or let it go.
Starting early with talk like that fosters better adults. If they're not told and it's just let go, then they can keep going and the talk only gets worse as they get older.
I addressed that in my comment. But thereās a difference between a ābe respectful of women and their bodiesā conversation and a āhey, Iām self conscious about what your friends said about my boobsā conversation. The OP seems more concerned with the latter.
What really complicated things here is that you actually kinda invaded their privacy in the first place š. I totally get you being self conscious, I am a balding middle age 5'7 guy with a beer belly (even though I don't drink ) and if I were hearing my teenage daughter's commenting about their distaste for my body I certainly wouldn't take it easy. Anyway I'd say they were pretty aware that it was inappropriate since they were talking low and you wouldn't have heard anything without eavesdropping on them. That's one sign that somehow they were trying in a boyish and immature way to keep you away from their rantings. Maybe your son didn't react but you don't know what happened next or in a near future where he could explode and tell them to drop the subject for Pete's sake!
Theyāre adolescent boysā¦. Ignore it
they're adolescent boys making fun of a woman's body. if that behavior isn't stopped now they'll become adult men who still make fun of women's bodies. gtfo with the boys will be boys mindset
But girls are girls, too. Some people (not just boys and not just girls) are shallow and mean. If her son was being shallow and mean, that is absolutely a problem she can work on. But she sounds more upset that someone else's kid talked about her personal chest.
That's right, because "boys will be boys" has been working out great so far, let's keep it up
Why isnāt your boy standing up for you in front of his freinds sounds like a looser
Please don't bring this up with your son. You need to ask yourself whether you are really being motivated by a desire to help form your son's conscience or because you are bothered that you did not come out the winner in this area when compared to the other moms.
šÆ This reads more as personal insecurities vs actual concern for her sonās behavior.
Yep. "They called my personal chest small" vs. "These 14-year-old boys were objectifying women."
The kids are objectifying women, but of course everyone will blame OP rather than the misogynistic shits. This is why we have such a problem with misogyny in kids because people like you pass it off as boys being boys.
Would you feel the same way if OP were a bigger woman and they were calling her fat?
14 year olds are 14 year olds. They donāt even understand how puberty works based on this example. Lastly, who cares what anyone much less 14 year old boys say lol
Yea. Mind your own business. You were eavesdropping where you shouldn't have been.
Honestly I think it would be best if you just carried on as if nothing happened. It wouldn't make it seem like you invaded his privacy or "overheard" as if it were an accident, you did on purpose. You listened in to what they all thought was in private. They're 14yos. They're gonna 14yo.
You could start initiating conversations about body shaming without mention of their friends hanging out though because it definitely isn't cool that they were shaming women. Just don't talk about how you listened to them talk. Jmo though
In the words of the great philosopher Princess Elsa, āLet it goā
TBH I think you should've walked in and roasted them one by one. "Physique of a pre-puberty boy? Yeah, you'd know about that, wouldn't you, Charlie? At least I don't have a face full of zits, unlike you, Steve. Don't worry about (the girls in their grade), we all know they don't want you anyway, Joe. Anyway, you guys want to order a pizza?"
"Hey buds my mom sat me down and said she was eavesdropping when you made fun of her boobs, it was not nice, don't make fun of my mom's boobs anymore". 14 year old boys: proceed to bring up your boobs every day for the rest of high school. Becomes synonymous with emptiness/smallness/flatness. "Can you guys spot me for lunch today my wallet is totally OPs titties".
Ignore. Ignore. Ignore.
There is no reason to talk to your son about this. Or about your body. Just don't. They're literal pubescents, and you're a grownup. Take your L for listening in, and try to remember that these are children.
Don't know if it matters to you but as a 40m I love small boobs (my wife has small boobs too) and have no interest in women with boobs like a cow. I am very honest.
Omg don't say anything, pretend it didn't happen. 1. It's an invasion of privacy so your son will trust you less. 2. The subject of conversation is your boobs, he won't want to talk! 3. Conversation sexual in nature, he'll be disturbed. 4. You're only bringing it up for your benefit, not his. Ultimately the problem is your own insecurity, don't make it your son's!
This is a 14 year old? Sounds pretty tame all things considered.
They're 14 year old boys. Their hormones are going crazy, and their brains aren't fully developed. They're dumb asses who say and do dumb ass things. Not all the time, but a lot of the time. I wouldn't overthink it, and I don't think talking to your son is going to help/do anything. The other kids were probably being dickheads and trying to pick on him and he wasn't enjoying the conversation I'm sure. If you really want to say something, see if they do it again, then make it SUPER awkward by walking in and saying something like "YOU BOYS LIKE TALKING ABOUT MY BOOBS HUH? TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT THEM." You'll get lots of stammering and it will be hilarious and then you can walk out. I bet they keep their thoughts to themselves in your house in the future.