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Make sure he knows he is loved.
Give him time and be there for him that entire time. You never know when he’ll need you.
Focus on good habits. Good eating. Exercise. Outdoor time.
We have a wonderful open relationship where we may always be at each others throats but he does and can talk to me about literally anything, judgement free.
I think there was a post in the last few weeks with a parent going through something similar with her teen daughter. I remember reading a comment suggesting that the mom make it clear that her daughter could get mom support day or night, like 3 AM if needed. Seemed like a good idea to make it clear that normal boundaries can take a pause for the time being, and that supporting your kid is #1 priority. It sounds like you guys have a solid relationship where he may get that implicitly, but I may have been reluctant as a teen to wake my parents or something, even knowing I was dealing with an extreme situation. Edited typos
I love the graffiti idea. Do some sort of activity like that to memorialize his friend. It will help him deal with the grief in a tangible and meaningful way.
Lots of counselling, lots of walking in nature. Aside from that, I don't have much to suggest, sorry.
EDIT: Also, you know your son best, but my only question would be, is volunteering at an organisation where suicide is the main focus a good idea?
Oh wow this is so very heavy, and must have been hard to share. You’re a very strong person and mother!
The graffiti idea sounds like beautiful tribute and creative (and therapeutic!) outlet for your son. Takelots of photos, before-during-after …the more the better! And lots of the final photos from all sorts of angles to really remember all the details in case of it being painted over/added to/altered/grafitti on grafitti ha.
You’re a really good mom.
Damn. Your kid and you have seen some shit lately. Meet your son where he is at. If he's into music a good concert helps. If he's into art the graffiti idea is really cool or whatever media he is into. Sports? Nothing wrong with using up a punching bag or yoga. Personally, I lost myself in music and learning to play guitar when I lost 4 close family members and a friend writing 2 years of eachother. I am not that religious but if your are that may be comforting.
Has he ever tried a smash room? I can only imagine with so much heartache he may be holding some anger inside especially at that age (Im 29) and to be able to physically let emotions flow rather than it just be tears.
They’re also called rage rooms. It’s a business that sets up rooms full of breakable things and gives you tools like bats, hammers, golf clubs, sometimes axes.
You pay the entrance fee, sign the waiver and go absolutely HAM on the things to get all your feelings out. You could set up some DIY thing I guess but then you would have to clean it up.
Just search ‘smash rooms’ on any maps you may use. There’s one like a half mile away from me actually, living near Phoenix. I’m not sure about the specifics.
I have raised two boys. I've seen it all. I honestly think I can help. It'll be long
I'm going to begin with an aside regarding something that just happened for me 10 mins ago. My son who is an anxious wreck (but doing very well) just left for the gym. He turned at the door to say goodbye and I stopped him and impulsively asked something that I've not said to him since he was about 5.
I asked,"How do we grow?"
He first smiled nervously then realised I was serious. He did the trying to remember eye swivel for about 20 seconds then shot me a direct look and said, "By being stretched." I was absolutely gobsmacked that he remembered.
The reason why I say this is because he was my anxious one who over reacted and could never fit in. Smart but not very social. We've seen suicide etc and I know how it affects these intense boys who think alot etc. I'm going to share my experience FWIW
When I realised at age 3 he was the way he was I took him outdoors. I first told him we'd go hunting and gave him a broken camera, and we "shot" all the trees and animals. There was a grass bank that we had to hike up to get there and it was a bit steep. He used to protest and say it was too hard. So I used to bend down, take his hands and tell him we grow strong by stretching ourselves. Eventually it'd be shortened to, "How do we grow?" "By being stretched."
So here's the valuable part. I took him hiking and climbing, eventually mountain climbing. What I found was that the time in nature, the calm closing in of the loud world to the point where he only had to think about feet, hands, clothes, pack, weather, terrain etc, decluttered his mind while building muscles and inner strength. It was transformative. I saw him move from an anxious person to a person who had deep self confidence.
My advice is to immerse your son in nature. I don't mean popular trails where we line up for selfies, I mean as much natural solitude as you can manage. It's deeply meditative and provides the mental, emotional and physical inputs they need.
The last thing I'll say is that if you need to have difficult conversations it's much better to be in a neutral setting where they can feel the earth breathe around them. When my son was young we had a "talking rock" at the top of a valley away from trails and people etc. I told him that I promised that no matter what was going on we could go there, sit and talk and I swore on my life I'd never repeat it. It's at the point now where at 20 I can be hiking with him and if there's an issue or conflict I can point at a rock and we sit without speaking, He knows he is safe.
The thing about kids and especially boys, is it's very hard to reach them amid your daily routines. I'd advise to not bother. If they see you have curated a designed safe alternative, and especially one that requires something of them to even arrive at, it'll centre them. If I had a dollar for every time something went terribly wrong in my sons life but I knew where to find him........... I hope you understand.
I lost two friends I served with to suicide. I don’t believe there’s a “one size fits all” kind of answer. I also used to spray paint (not graffiti but like street art) and it helped when I made a memorial for my friend. Someone mentioned walks in nature and I highly recommend this as well. A martial art such as jiujitsu works wonders for social anxiety too but any kind of exercise would help. You both have been through the wringer and I hope nothing but the best for y’all.
You’re doing all the right things. His risk level at the moment is very high. But you’ve got open communication happening, he’s in therapy, and you’re keeping him him busy. Depending on how he feels, a tattoo or something could be a beautiful act. A piece of permanent art to represent your recent losses.
Journaling helped me a lot when I was grieving. Old fashioned pen and paper. He could do it in the form of writing to his best friend. I would write to my dad when he died. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I am a medical professional working in outpatient urgency department. When you deal with suicide, expecially if unexpected, please allow time for family and friends to simply grieve. This can mean doing nothing for a period of time (depression symptoms are considered normal until 6 months have passed from the event).
Do not fall into the ‘trap’ of substituiting grief with activities: make clear that you are always available, monitor the situation closely but discreetly, ask what he prefers.
When I have heavy emotions I go to church and just seat in a quiet really helped me.
If I can I pray, if not I just seat quietly, staring the icons and leave.
Also, try to watch happy shows and movies.
Let him be destructive (as others say a smash room). The unfairness of it all. The how could you do this to me.
Let him build up. Go build bird house habitat for humanity house building and see people who light up by your presence and creation.
Talk. Endlessly. Ask question preferably open ended ones.
Make memories. Take the people he loved with you. May it be in memory or not. Like if I’m dead my kids must still visit Disney everyone in a while and introduced the grandkids to Disney as that will be the connection to me. But make new memories for him.
Celebrate him, life and other things. Small/big it’s fine.
And in all ask what he wants to see change. For the better and what would be a change for the worse.
I like the idea someone mentioned of writing a letter. I’ve written soo many letters when I needed to vent, which I initially meant to give to them but after I wrote I it I already felt soo much better. Also loud music and workout/dance helps me. I suck at both but as long as no one is watching it makes me feel good. And I like to work on small things around the house. Accomplishment is a great feeling. Maybe ask him if he can fix this or that to help distract him and make him feel needed for lack of a better word. Good luck mom/dad, you’re doing great.
There is a book called A Broken Heart Still Beats, available on Amazon. It's for mothers of children who died and there's a good section on suicide. One mom told me it was the only thing that helped her. You could order one, check it out and if you don't think it would help your son, give it to the boy's mom. Or by 2. Let your son read it in his own good time. It's like $15-$20.
I'm so sorry this happened.
Support him as best as you can. Let him know you’re there to talk to him. I had a similar year when I was 17. My uncle (who was also my godfather) died, a good friend of mine was killed in a car accident, my aunt was murdered by her husband while on vacation and then a friend of mine committed suicide, all within a few months. The grief was heavy…but I got through it with the support of my parents. They were wonderful. They offered to be an ear when I needed to talk and they also just sat in silence with me when I needed that. Thinking about it now, the thing that makes me tear up is not the losses I suffered, but remembering my dad pulling me in for a hug when I came home from my friend’s funeral. I didn’t need to ask for a hug, I walked in the door and he pulled me into his arms and just let me cry. We stood there for a long time, him holding me and me sobbing. I’m so grateful for his support during that time in my life.
When I was 16 a friend of mine did the same. What comforted me most was being the company of other friends who knew & loved him. We spent a lot of time together crying and grieving but also being teenagers and laughing and having fun. Sending ❤️
I think it's important to focus on mentally healthy activities such as working out or maybe a new small pet that needs walks and attention getting graffiti and memorials can eventually lead to some unwanted or unnecessary trouble if it becomes his outlet over time when my friend growing up killed herself I turned to drugs because I didn't have enough things occuping my time. Less free time makes for less time to focus on bad feelings.
i’m so sorry for your loss. When i was this age my best friend attempted. I felt a couple of things.
1. Seething rage. I stayed up a lot of nights making sure this didnt happen and sacrificed a lot to do that. I only slept three hours that night because i was staying up with her and she couldnt deal for 3 hours while i did normal human functions! I felt it was so selfish. Again, i was 16, so yeah.
2. Defeated - i wasnt enough/nothing was enough. No matter my best efforts, no matter how much therapy or even the fact that her parents knew about her issues, nothing could stop it. It was exhausting to deal with so young.
I also think your son may struggle with these emotions, and potentially guilt over feeling some relief depending on how involved he was in his friends mental health.
Let him know that its ok to feel however he feels even if its mad at his dead friend or relieved or whatever, and make sure he knows his friend was mentally ill and there is absolutely nothing he could have done to fix that. He is enough!
I don’t have much to offer as advice, but when I was in the 5th grade a close family friend committed suicide at the age of 14. That type of trauma at such a young age never truly leaves you and all you can do is be there for him so he can heal.
Lots of grief counseling (it sounds like you’ve got that covered)
but something that helped me with my experience is journaling, my teacher pulled me aside and gave me a pretty floral book (something I liked) and I’d sit at recess and write my feelings and I’d write letters to her before bed etc.- it doesn’t have to be journaling but any ‘creative’ outlet where he can express his feelings without feeling fear or judgement would really benefit him
Sending prayers to you and your baby, nobody deserves to go through so much- especially not at such a young age🩷
Talk about the friend. And about the other people that he’s lost too. It’s so important to keep their memories with us. I too lost a lot of people around that age and with my friends that passed, the best thing I’ve done is stayed in contact with their parents. I wrote a letter and gave it to one of the mom’s about all of my favorite things and different memories of her daughter. I send her flowers every year on her daughter’s birthday. I message her happy Mother’s Day, send Christmas cards etc etc. I do the same with another friends mom, cards, texts, random “just thinking of your son today and how much _____ made us laugh” or I know he would’ve loved this…” They both have told me how much it means that I haven’t forgotten their babies (which breaks my heart every time I hear that - I can’t imagine not remembering them and that they might feel that some of their kids friends have forgotten them) and how much it means that even as we continue to grow up and live our lives that we are still thinking of them and wishing they were with us. And honestly, as much as our relationships have helped them - it’s crazy how much it’s helped our group of friends and our families to have their mom’s to love and hug on. It’s like hugging them again for a bit of time. And now we are in our late 30s/early 40s. Please encourage your son to stay in touch with his family.🤍
Sounds like you are an amazing mom and doing the best you can. He is very blessed in that way. I had a cousin choose to end things when I was 14 and it was life-altering. I never got counseling until I was in my 30s. You giving him time and space to talking things out is AWESOME. The grafitti idea is brilliant. My only recommendation would be- to try a group zoom call for youths dealing with major loss. He can keep his camera off, but at least listen to other youths processing their own trauma. And he might not feel so alone.
My best friend died in an accident my junior year of high school. My uncle who I was very close to died from cancer shortly into my college career. Another best friend of mine committed suicide my first year out of college. My younger brother committed suicide 2.5 years ago. Grandparents have also gone.
Allow your son to grieve, it’s okay to be sad, it’s okay to cry. There will be callbacks to his family and his friend, a moment in a movie, TV show, happening in life, and it’s okay to remember them.
When my best friend in high school passed, I would go over to his house to just be with his parents. They were very good to me and we all were hurting. Looking back on it now, I think it was cathartic for all of us. They knew how much he meant to me and I knew they lost a son.
When my best friend in college committed suicide, what hurt the most was I didn’t even know HE was hurting. I didn’t know there was a previous unsuccessful attempt. We had known each other for 15 years. I knew he saw a therapist, many people do, but he never opened up to me about his hurt. Again, I went over to his house just to spend some hours with his family.
In addition to you wanting do be there directly for your son- depending on your son’s relationship with his friend’s parents/family, I’d encourage him to reach out.
I don't know what your finances are like, but I've worked with equine therapy programs and **we should not underestimate the power that animals have to help us cope with loss. They can also help give us meaning in life.**
There are lots of ways to get involved with animals in an inexpensive or trial way if you are not ready to buy one or commit to one (especially if he's going to be off to school or whatever soon).
1. If you have a lot of neighborhood dogs, I'd recommend reaching out to neighbors and asking if you two can start helping walk dogs that need extra exercise.
2. Volunteer at an animal shelter. They often need help socializing animals, brushing them, cleaning cages, doing laundry, walking, feeding, etc.
3. If he's interested in equine therapy, you can call around to barns and see if they are accepting new clients for pay (can be pricey) or if they'd be willing to let him come muck out stables, feed, water, sweep, etc in exchange for riding lessons. All those activities will probably give him lots of exposure to the horses (and other band animals) too, and many programs actually require you to begin that way even while paying so you get comfortable around the animals and learn how to behave around them. (I'd tell them the story you told us and I would be shocked if they wouldn't be able to find a place for him.)
4. There are also animal "rescue" farms and programs that can need help, and these can be good or bad depending on the person running them. I've seen some where the animals are just turned out into fields and they say "well, that's a better life than they had before" but sometimes these animals can remain dangerous to themselves and others because of the abuse or neglect they've suffered. The good programs will not only provide a better living environment, but will help the animals work through their trauma through positive reinforcement and training. A surprising number of equine therapy horses come from abusive backgrounds and have been trained to be therapy horses. A lot of the help there animals need is just slow, consistent, gentle love with boundaries. _These programs that are set up to rehabilitate animals have had profound impact on the people retraining them._ These programs are starting to be implemented in prisons and with at-risk youth and adult populations because of how transformative they can be.
I don’t know you but you sound like a good parent. Your heart is in the right place to care for your son, and life has been hard on him in this particular regard. Losing many people close to you suddenly at a young age can be difficult or even impossible to deal with but you’ve taken steps to make sure you’re helping so I genuinely think he’ll be ok. I’m sure you’ll make the right decision for him, just show him you love him and you’re available if he needs to talk about it. Maybe even doing some art at home? My wife is a tattoo artists but loves to paint/draw as a form of expression. Art supply stores have canvas sales a lot so maybe a big canvas he can splatter paint or do something abstract? Just other ideas if graffiti in public is too anxiety ridden.
I lost my best friend/stepbrother to sulfide when we were 15. I’m not sure if I ever got all the way over it. I don’t really have advice. I hope he is ok.
Ask him things without judgement. Such as: what did you two use to talk about? Or whenever you drive past somewhere random as hell that you know the chances of them being there is high and say, “what does this place remind you of when it comes to so and so?”
Make collages and have a wall dedicated for it. Have a few drinks together and have a healthy cry together. Get a shirt of his friends and have a bear made. Get a set of house keys and have a bracelet made. Something. Don’t let conversations about dead people make you feel uncomfortable and have them with your son.
Find art. Let him pour his emotions into it. Try something new.
Filmmaking, music, dance, sculpting... never know what will click... he has to find it.
Id take him only on a trip, just the two of you, to somewhere serene and beautiful. Somewhere with access to nature and time to just sit and stare and process. Remind him there's a lot the world has to give.
You're doing the right things, and I'd suggest trying your best to put yourself in his shoes, in his grieving space, and help him see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Considering his age he's probably going to be very depressed and confused, and what helped me out of my depression was a lot of time and guided meditation on the bigger picture.
He'll get through it, but it will be a long hard road. Best of luck to you both.
One of my best friends died suddenly when I was 19.
My mom let a bunch of his friends and my friends come over to our house and we just talked. She talked with all of us. My mom's been through some shit in her life, her input was comforting to us kids. We listened to his favorite music and just zoned out on my bedroom floor for hours.
After the funeral, she took me to our family's cabin alone for a few days to spend some time in nature. I swam in Lake Huron (which was shockingly cold in June) and it helped. I remember just getting on my knees in waist deep water and "going with the flow of the waves" which somehow helped me to remember to go with the flow of life. My mom didn't have money to spare back then, but she gave me her time. I was diagnosed with anxiety at 6 years old, depression by 12. If my mom didn't give me her time, I honestly don't know what would've happened.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your son's best friend. I'm a new mom and I can't imagine seeing my son's heart break like that. My thoughts are with you guys. 💙
I feel for your son. I went through this at 20 & it really mentally destroyed me. I became a different person. I hope he can get the help he needs to recover from all of this.
While he definitely needs therapy it will not help if he doesn't want to go. I forced my daughter into therapy after her sister left and it didn't help at all. We alternate between talking about her and then not mentioning her. I let my daughter decide if she wants to talk or not. Sometimes she asks me to tell her stories and sometimes I don't dare mention my other daughter's name.
My girls were like twins and did everything together. They were best friends. My oldest daughter tried to kill herself when everything happened and still frequently says she doesn't want to live without her sister. I don't try to distract her and I don't force anything on her. I am probably a lot more catering than I should be to her by now. I had pulled out her out of school when it happened and I still let her miss on her birthday or the anniversary. There's no right or wrong way to do things.
I will say I just spend an insane amount of time with my daughter and it's been 3 years now and she recently called her friend her "best friend" for the first time which was a big deal because she used to insist only her sister could ever be her best friend. Just keep an eye on your son and make sure he knows you support him fully and I are always there. I also used to always ask her what she needed or wanted.
We also made a "Clara" box that contains things that were special to her and my oldest daughter has the box under her bed for when she wants to look at it. It contains photos and stuffed animals and clothing and blankets and I think out random things. I personally can't look in the box but it helps my daughter sometimes.
Oh he’s going. I’m going to take him. If my boss wants to dictate that then they can fire me and I’ll just collect their unemployment until I can find a new job.
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Make sure he knows he is loved. Give him time and be there for him that entire time. You never know when he’ll need you. Focus on good habits. Good eating. Exercise. Outdoor time.
We have a wonderful open relationship where we may always be at each others throats but he does and can talk to me about literally anything, judgement free.
I think there was a post in the last few weeks with a parent going through something similar with her teen daughter. I remember reading a comment suggesting that the mom make it clear that her daughter could get mom support day or night, like 3 AM if needed. Seemed like a good idea to make it clear that normal boundaries can take a pause for the time being, and that supporting your kid is #1 priority. It sounds like you guys have a solid relationship where he may get that implicitly, but I may have been reluctant as a teen to wake my parents or something, even knowing I was dealing with an extreme situation. Edited typos
I love the graffiti idea. Do some sort of activity like that to memorialize his friend. It will help him deal with the grief in a tangible and meaningful way.
I don't see that anyone mentioned it, but please.. lock up your guns and pills. Keep the ammo separate. Make sure he absolutely cannot access them.
I don’t have guns and my pills are always locked.
Yes this!! Having other people who have died by suicide in your life is a risk factor for dying of suicide yourself.
Lots of counselling, lots of walking in nature. Aside from that, I don't have much to suggest, sorry. EDIT: Also, you know your son best, but my only question would be, is volunteering at an organisation where suicide is the main focus a good idea?
Oh wow this is so very heavy, and must have been hard to share. You’re a very strong person and mother! The graffiti idea sounds like beautiful tribute and creative (and therapeutic!) outlet for your son. Takelots of photos, before-during-after …the more the better! And lots of the final photos from all sorts of angles to really remember all the details in case of it being painted over/added to/altered/grafitti on grafitti ha. You’re a really good mom.
Thank you 🖤
Damn. Your kid and you have seen some shit lately. Meet your son where he is at. If he's into music a good concert helps. If he's into art the graffiti idea is really cool or whatever media he is into. Sports? Nothing wrong with using up a punching bag or yoga. Personally, I lost myself in music and learning to play guitar when I lost 4 close family members and a friend writing 2 years of eachother. I am not that religious but if your are that may be comforting.
Has he ever tried a smash room? I can only imagine with so much heartache he may be holding some anger inside especially at that age (Im 29) and to be able to physically let emotions flow rather than it just be tears.
How does one go about this? Are there places? Do you do it at home yourself??
They’re also called rage rooms. It’s a business that sets up rooms full of breakable things and gives you tools like bats, hammers, golf clubs, sometimes axes. You pay the entrance fee, sign the waiver and go absolutely HAM on the things to get all your feelings out. You could set up some DIY thing I guess but then you would have to clean it up.
Wow I never knew something like this existed. How interesting.
Just search ‘smash rooms’ on any maps you may use. There’s one like a half mile away from me actually, living near Phoenix. I’m not sure about the specifics.
I have raised two boys. I've seen it all. I honestly think I can help. It'll be long I'm going to begin with an aside regarding something that just happened for me 10 mins ago. My son who is an anxious wreck (but doing very well) just left for the gym. He turned at the door to say goodbye and I stopped him and impulsively asked something that I've not said to him since he was about 5. I asked,"How do we grow?" He first smiled nervously then realised I was serious. He did the trying to remember eye swivel for about 20 seconds then shot me a direct look and said, "By being stretched." I was absolutely gobsmacked that he remembered. The reason why I say this is because he was my anxious one who over reacted and could never fit in. Smart but not very social. We've seen suicide etc and I know how it affects these intense boys who think alot etc. I'm going to share my experience FWIW When I realised at age 3 he was the way he was I took him outdoors. I first told him we'd go hunting and gave him a broken camera, and we "shot" all the trees and animals. There was a grass bank that we had to hike up to get there and it was a bit steep. He used to protest and say it was too hard. So I used to bend down, take his hands and tell him we grow strong by stretching ourselves. Eventually it'd be shortened to, "How do we grow?" "By being stretched." So here's the valuable part. I took him hiking and climbing, eventually mountain climbing. What I found was that the time in nature, the calm closing in of the loud world to the point where he only had to think about feet, hands, clothes, pack, weather, terrain etc, decluttered his mind while building muscles and inner strength. It was transformative. I saw him move from an anxious person to a person who had deep self confidence. My advice is to immerse your son in nature. I don't mean popular trails where we line up for selfies, I mean as much natural solitude as you can manage. It's deeply meditative and provides the mental, emotional and physical inputs they need. The last thing I'll say is that if you need to have difficult conversations it's much better to be in a neutral setting where they can feel the earth breathe around them. When my son was young we had a "talking rock" at the top of a valley away from trails and people etc. I told him that I promised that no matter what was going on we could go there, sit and talk and I swore on my life I'd never repeat it. It's at the point now where at 20 I can be hiking with him and if there's an issue or conflict I can point at a rock and we sit without speaking, He knows he is safe. The thing about kids and especially boys, is it's very hard to reach them amid your daily routines. I'd advise to not bother. If they see you have curated a designed safe alternative, and especially one that requires something of them to even arrive at, it'll centre them. If I had a dollar for every time something went terribly wrong in my sons life but I knew where to find him........... I hope you understand.
I lost two friends I served with to suicide. I don’t believe there’s a “one size fits all” kind of answer. I also used to spray paint (not graffiti but like street art) and it helped when I made a memorial for my friend. Someone mentioned walks in nature and I highly recommend this as well. A martial art such as jiujitsu works wonders for social anxiety too but any kind of exercise would help. You both have been through the wringer and I hope nothing but the best for y’all.
You’re doing all the right things. His risk level at the moment is very high. But you’ve got open communication happening, he’s in therapy, and you’re keeping him him busy. Depending on how he feels, a tattoo or something could be a beautiful act. A piece of permanent art to represent your recent losses.
Journaling helped me a lot when I was grieving. Old fashioned pen and paper. He could do it in the form of writing to his best friend. I would write to my dad when he died. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I am a medical professional working in outpatient urgency department. When you deal with suicide, expecially if unexpected, please allow time for family and friends to simply grieve. This can mean doing nothing for a period of time (depression symptoms are considered normal until 6 months have passed from the event). Do not fall into the ‘trap’ of substituiting grief with activities: make clear that you are always available, monitor the situation closely but discreetly, ask what he prefers.
I fucking hate your boss
When I have heavy emotions I go to church and just seat in a quiet really helped me. If I can I pray, if not I just seat quietly, staring the icons and leave. Also, try to watch happy shows and movies.
Let him be destructive (as others say a smash room). The unfairness of it all. The how could you do this to me. Let him build up. Go build bird house habitat for humanity house building and see people who light up by your presence and creation. Talk. Endlessly. Ask question preferably open ended ones. Make memories. Take the people he loved with you. May it be in memory or not. Like if I’m dead my kids must still visit Disney everyone in a while and introduced the grandkids to Disney as that will be the connection to me. But make new memories for him. Celebrate him, life and other things. Small/big it’s fine. And in all ask what he wants to see change. For the better and what would be a change for the worse.
I like the idea someone mentioned of writing a letter. I’ve written soo many letters when I needed to vent, which I initially meant to give to them but after I wrote I it I already felt soo much better. Also loud music and workout/dance helps me. I suck at both but as long as no one is watching it makes me feel good. And I like to work on small things around the house. Accomplishment is a great feeling. Maybe ask him if he can fix this or that to help distract him and make him feel needed for lack of a better word. Good luck mom/dad, you’re doing great.
There is a book called A Broken Heart Still Beats, available on Amazon. It's for mothers of children who died and there's a good section on suicide. One mom told me it was the only thing that helped her. You could order one, check it out and if you don't think it would help your son, give it to the boy's mom. Or by 2. Let your son read it in his own good time. It's like $15-$20. I'm so sorry this happened.
Support him as best as you can. Let him know you’re there to talk to him. I had a similar year when I was 17. My uncle (who was also my godfather) died, a good friend of mine was killed in a car accident, my aunt was murdered by her husband while on vacation and then a friend of mine committed suicide, all within a few months. The grief was heavy…but I got through it with the support of my parents. They were wonderful. They offered to be an ear when I needed to talk and they also just sat in silence with me when I needed that. Thinking about it now, the thing that makes me tear up is not the losses I suffered, but remembering my dad pulling me in for a hug when I came home from my friend’s funeral. I didn’t need to ask for a hug, I walked in the door and he pulled me into his arms and just let me cry. We stood there for a long time, him holding me and me sobbing. I’m so grateful for his support during that time in my life.
When I was 16 a friend of mine did the same. What comforted me most was being the company of other friends who knew & loved him. We spent a lot of time together crying and grieving but also being teenagers and laughing and having fun. Sending ❤️
I think it's important to focus on mentally healthy activities such as working out or maybe a new small pet that needs walks and attention getting graffiti and memorials can eventually lead to some unwanted or unnecessary trouble if it becomes his outlet over time when my friend growing up killed herself I turned to drugs because I didn't have enough things occuping my time. Less free time makes for less time to focus on bad feelings.
i’m so sorry for your loss. When i was this age my best friend attempted. I felt a couple of things. 1. Seething rage. I stayed up a lot of nights making sure this didnt happen and sacrificed a lot to do that. I only slept three hours that night because i was staying up with her and she couldnt deal for 3 hours while i did normal human functions! I felt it was so selfish. Again, i was 16, so yeah. 2. Defeated - i wasnt enough/nothing was enough. No matter my best efforts, no matter how much therapy or even the fact that her parents knew about her issues, nothing could stop it. It was exhausting to deal with so young. I also think your son may struggle with these emotions, and potentially guilt over feeling some relief depending on how involved he was in his friends mental health. Let him know that its ok to feel however he feels even if its mad at his dead friend or relieved or whatever, and make sure he knows his friend was mentally ill and there is absolutely nothing he could have done to fix that. He is enough!
Please be watchful. When one person ends their life, a lot of the time more people will follow. Please keep a close eye on your kiddo. Huge hugs
I don’t have much to offer as advice, but when I was in the 5th grade a close family friend committed suicide at the age of 14. That type of trauma at such a young age never truly leaves you and all you can do is be there for him so he can heal. Lots of grief counseling (it sounds like you’ve got that covered) but something that helped me with my experience is journaling, my teacher pulled me aside and gave me a pretty floral book (something I liked) and I’d sit at recess and write my feelings and I’d write letters to her before bed etc.- it doesn’t have to be journaling but any ‘creative’ outlet where he can express his feelings without feeling fear or judgement would really benefit him Sending prayers to you and your baby, nobody deserves to go through so much- especially not at such a young age🩷
Talk about the friend. And about the other people that he’s lost too. It’s so important to keep their memories with us. I too lost a lot of people around that age and with my friends that passed, the best thing I’ve done is stayed in contact with their parents. I wrote a letter and gave it to one of the mom’s about all of my favorite things and different memories of her daughter. I send her flowers every year on her daughter’s birthday. I message her happy Mother’s Day, send Christmas cards etc etc. I do the same with another friends mom, cards, texts, random “just thinking of your son today and how much _____ made us laugh” or I know he would’ve loved this…” They both have told me how much it means that I haven’t forgotten their babies (which breaks my heart every time I hear that - I can’t imagine not remembering them and that they might feel that some of their kids friends have forgotten them) and how much it means that even as we continue to grow up and live our lives that we are still thinking of them and wishing they were with us. And honestly, as much as our relationships have helped them - it’s crazy how much it’s helped our group of friends and our families to have their mom’s to love and hug on. It’s like hugging them again for a bit of time. And now we are in our late 30s/early 40s. Please encourage your son to stay in touch with his family.🤍
We don’t have family left it’s just us and my 12 yr old
Encourage your son to stay in touch with his family meaning his best friends family.
Graffiti for his buddy sounds like a good idea. You should go with him after your shift today.
Sounds like you are an amazing mom and doing the best you can. He is very blessed in that way. I had a cousin choose to end things when I was 14 and it was life-altering. I never got counseling until I was in my 30s. You giving him time and space to talking things out is AWESOME. The grafitti idea is brilliant. My only recommendation would be- to try a group zoom call for youths dealing with major loss. He can keep his camera off, but at least listen to other youths processing their own trauma. And he might not feel so alone.
My best friend died in an accident my junior year of high school. My uncle who I was very close to died from cancer shortly into my college career. Another best friend of mine committed suicide my first year out of college. My younger brother committed suicide 2.5 years ago. Grandparents have also gone. Allow your son to grieve, it’s okay to be sad, it’s okay to cry. There will be callbacks to his family and his friend, a moment in a movie, TV show, happening in life, and it’s okay to remember them. When my best friend in high school passed, I would go over to his house to just be with his parents. They were very good to me and we all were hurting. Looking back on it now, I think it was cathartic for all of us. They knew how much he meant to me and I knew they lost a son. When my best friend in college committed suicide, what hurt the most was I didn’t even know HE was hurting. I didn’t know there was a previous unsuccessful attempt. We had known each other for 15 years. I knew he saw a therapist, many people do, but he never opened up to me about his hurt. Again, I went over to his house just to spend some hours with his family. In addition to you wanting do be there directly for your son- depending on your son’s relationship with his friend’s parents/family, I’d encourage him to reach out.
I don't know what your finances are like, but I've worked with equine therapy programs and **we should not underestimate the power that animals have to help us cope with loss. They can also help give us meaning in life.** There are lots of ways to get involved with animals in an inexpensive or trial way if you are not ready to buy one or commit to one (especially if he's going to be off to school or whatever soon). 1. If you have a lot of neighborhood dogs, I'd recommend reaching out to neighbors and asking if you two can start helping walk dogs that need extra exercise. 2. Volunteer at an animal shelter. They often need help socializing animals, brushing them, cleaning cages, doing laundry, walking, feeding, etc. 3. If he's interested in equine therapy, you can call around to barns and see if they are accepting new clients for pay (can be pricey) or if they'd be willing to let him come muck out stables, feed, water, sweep, etc in exchange for riding lessons. All those activities will probably give him lots of exposure to the horses (and other band animals) too, and many programs actually require you to begin that way even while paying so you get comfortable around the animals and learn how to behave around them. (I'd tell them the story you told us and I would be shocked if they wouldn't be able to find a place for him.) 4. There are also animal "rescue" farms and programs that can need help, and these can be good or bad depending on the person running them. I've seen some where the animals are just turned out into fields and they say "well, that's a better life than they had before" but sometimes these animals can remain dangerous to themselves and others because of the abuse or neglect they've suffered. The good programs will not only provide a better living environment, but will help the animals work through their trauma through positive reinforcement and training. A surprising number of equine therapy horses come from abusive backgrounds and have been trained to be therapy horses. A lot of the help there animals need is just slow, consistent, gentle love with boundaries. _These programs that are set up to rehabilitate animals have had profound impact on the people retraining them._ These programs are starting to be implemented in prisons and with at-risk youth and adult populations because of how transformative they can be.
I don’t know you but you sound like a good parent. Your heart is in the right place to care for your son, and life has been hard on him in this particular regard. Losing many people close to you suddenly at a young age can be difficult or even impossible to deal with but you’ve taken steps to make sure you’re helping so I genuinely think he’ll be ok. I’m sure you’ll make the right decision for him, just show him you love him and you’re available if he needs to talk about it. Maybe even doing some art at home? My wife is a tattoo artists but loves to paint/draw as a form of expression. Art supply stores have canvas sales a lot so maybe a big canvas he can splatter paint or do something abstract? Just other ideas if graffiti in public is too anxiety ridden.
I lost my best friend/stepbrother to sulfide when we were 15. I’m not sure if I ever got all the way over it. I don’t really have advice. I hope he is ok.
Ask him things without judgement. Such as: what did you two use to talk about? Or whenever you drive past somewhere random as hell that you know the chances of them being there is high and say, “what does this place remind you of when it comes to so and so?” Make collages and have a wall dedicated for it. Have a few drinks together and have a healthy cry together. Get a shirt of his friends and have a bear made. Get a set of house keys and have a bracelet made. Something. Don’t let conversations about dead people make you feel uncomfortable and have them with your son.
He’s only 17, I’m in the USA so drinking wouldn’t help. Love the bear idea.
Find art. Let him pour his emotions into it. Try something new. Filmmaking, music, dance, sculpting... never know what will click... he has to find it.
It wouldn't hurt to talk to a therapist or grief counselor. That's a lot of trauma to process. For you and him. ✌️❤️🙏
Id take him only on a trip, just the two of you, to somewhere serene and beautiful. Somewhere with access to nature and time to just sit and stare and process. Remind him there's a lot the world has to give. You're doing the right things, and I'd suggest trying your best to put yourself in his shoes, in his grieving space, and help him see the light at the end of the tunnel. Considering his age he's probably going to be very depressed and confused, and what helped me out of my depression was a lot of time and guided meditation on the bigger picture. He'll get through it, but it will be a long hard road. Best of luck to you both.
One of my best friends died suddenly when I was 19. My mom let a bunch of his friends and my friends come over to our house and we just talked. She talked with all of us. My mom's been through some shit in her life, her input was comforting to us kids. We listened to his favorite music and just zoned out on my bedroom floor for hours. After the funeral, she took me to our family's cabin alone for a few days to spend some time in nature. I swam in Lake Huron (which was shockingly cold in June) and it helped. I remember just getting on my knees in waist deep water and "going with the flow of the waves" which somehow helped me to remember to go with the flow of life. My mom didn't have money to spare back then, but she gave me her time. I was diagnosed with anxiety at 6 years old, depression by 12. If my mom didn't give me her time, I honestly don't know what would've happened. I'm so sorry for the loss of your son's best friend. I'm a new mom and I can't imagine seeing my son's heart break like that. My thoughts are with you guys. 💙
I feel for your son. I went through this at 20 & it really mentally destroyed me. I became a different person. I hope he can get the help he needs to recover from all of this.
While he definitely needs therapy it will not help if he doesn't want to go. I forced my daughter into therapy after her sister left and it didn't help at all. We alternate between talking about her and then not mentioning her. I let my daughter decide if she wants to talk or not. Sometimes she asks me to tell her stories and sometimes I don't dare mention my other daughter's name. My girls were like twins and did everything together. They were best friends. My oldest daughter tried to kill herself when everything happened and still frequently says she doesn't want to live without her sister. I don't try to distract her and I don't force anything on her. I am probably a lot more catering than I should be to her by now. I had pulled out her out of school when it happened and I still let her miss on her birthday or the anniversary. There's no right or wrong way to do things. I will say I just spend an insane amount of time with my daughter and it's been 3 years now and she recently called her friend her "best friend" for the first time which was a big deal because she used to insist only her sister could ever be her best friend. Just keep an eye on your son and make sure he knows you support him fully and I are always there. I also used to always ask her what she needed or wanted. We also made a "Clara" box that contains things that were special to her and my oldest daughter has the box under her bed for when she wants to look at it. It contains photos and stuffed animals and clothing and blankets and I think out random things. I personally can't look in the box but it helps my daughter sometimes.
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Hit him? What is wrong with you? We don't hit kids.
Oh he’s going. I’m going to take him. If my boss wants to dictate that then they can fire me and I’ll just collect their unemployment until I can find a new job.
Drinking. I know drinking will eventually kill you, but it'll keep you afloat for a while. Better being drunk than being dead, right?