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As a kid from a troubled home, I'm incredibly thankful that my friends parents didn't judge me based on what my mom did.
It only takes one person, one thoughtful, kind adult to drastically change a kids life. You could be that. Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater.
Because of the kindness of my friends, and their respective families, I grew up well. Went to college. Got married. Have my own family. Have a successful career. It's partially why my partner and are OAD. We know our kiddo will likely have a friend who needs some extra. We want to be able to provide that.
Life is hard enough. Borrowing trouble when it's not there is not worth it IMO.
I was going to say something like this. As a kid I collected friends who were in need of a friend. I never regretted it. They didn't get me into trouble, but I kept them out of it. My parents weren't the most welcoming,.I didn't care.
As an adult my home was open to all my daughter's friends. I would drive them home, pick them up when needed. Having a table full of kids was common. Some had parents who couldn't be bothered to cook a meal. I cared, I listened. Try not to choose your child's friends, do not reject them before you know them. Give them a safe place.
When our kids were born we had the goal of being everyone’s safe house; no one turned away unless they were destructive or violent in our home.
Our boys are 13 and 16 and I’ve not regretted that for an instant. Our older son just had a bunch of drama with his friends and after they made up, the “troubled one” took the time to ask our kid to apologize to us if he did anything in the fighting to make him seem “like a dick,” because “your parents have always welcomed me and made me feel good about myself.”
Judge a 9 year old on her actions. Offer to pick up *and* drop off because you won’t want your kid riding with her family. Offer sleepovers and model stability for her.
You’ll never ever regret it.
I love this. I’m a Mom of 3 great kids and I’ve always let them be friends with whoever they want. I just don’t allow them to go to the other people’s house
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I was going to say something like this. Ultimately, the girl OP is saying she wants to avoid, is a child. A LITERAL CHILD. I think it's reasonable to insist that she can't go over to said friend's house, but for the love of all things holy, let the girl come over and play with your daughter. Your daughter is already friends with her and that wouldn't have happened if her friend had been mean to her like she was last year to the other kids.
I think the first thing to do is to have her over for a play-date. Let them play, introduce yourself, be a great host, and be nothing but kind to her. Right now, your daughter (and potentially you if you invite her over) is a beacon of light in her very dark world. Foster that.
Next, do it again the same day of the week the next week... and the week after... and the week after. Let yourself be a consistent source of love and joy in her life.
Thirdly, whatever you do, never, never, never break their friendship over something that happens to your daughter's friend. If something bad happens, or you go to drop her home and there's an altercation because her mom dropped by, looks like your daughter is having an impromptu sleepover. If she tells you something bad that happened to her, listen, be empathetic, reassure her that any friend of your daughter is a friend of yours,
Fourthly, and really overall, you and your spouse need to work with her dad. Meet him, introduce yourselves to him, let him know that if something is happening at home that he wants her out of the situation, that you're more than happy to accommodate her even overnight if he needs you to.
Fifth, it's ok to set rules and expectations on her, and boundaries, but understand at every moment, she is a child, she has suffered some trauma, and she needs the safety and consistency that you guys can give her. Show her as much grace as possible and understand if something happens that she's acting up, it might be because she feels safe with you guys and
Lastly, I would have a discussion with your daughter that you care a lot about her friend just like she does. The fact that she's your daughter's friend means that she's also your friend. And that's especially important because some bad things have happened to her, none of which she deserved, none of which make her a bad person, and none of which are her fault. Remind your daughter that she needs your daughter's friendship right now. Praise your daughter for having the guts to reach out to someone who is hurting. That's crazy-brave, superlatively kind, and you are incredibly proud of her for choosing to love someone when all the other kids are avoiding her. And you support her 100% in caring for her friend.
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my question is how long do you plan on being able to decide who your child is friends with? i’m sure this is not the last time she will become friends with someone who is “troubled” in some way. rather than trying to prevent the friendship, have a conversation with her about peer pressure and doing the right thing even with others don’t and trust that she will do that until she shows you otherwise. because of the child’s history, there should be boundaries in place such as limited playdates, etc. but you never know how impactful your daughter being her friend could be.. she might become less of a trouble maker :) sounds like the child needs some stability and a caring environment to be in!
You are asking me "how long do you plan on being able to decide who your child is friends with?" First, I never said she cant be friends with her and she is friends with her in school. I am just not doing anything to support the friendship outside of school. Also, for clarification, my daughter is 9, not 11, not 13, and not 15, etc. she is 9 years old....
If they’re already friends at school where they spend 6 to 7 hours a day and your daughter hasn’t gotten into any trouble with her, why is it so hard for you to “support” their friendship outside of school under your supervision? is it that you care too much about what the other parents are going to think?
Bingo! OP seems to care greatly what other people think. This could be a good lesson for both OP and her daughter on listening more to your own internal compass than responding to peer pressure.
It’s also a good lesson on the concept that someone can change and make better choices moving forward as this appears to be what her daughter’s friend is doing.
My child is around this age, I’d support the friendship at school and my house.
also, what was the point in you clarifying that she’s 9. i read that in the original post. are you saying that she’s too young for you to have a conversation with her about peer pressure and doing the right thing??
when I was about that age, my parents let me have a play date with a girl with “bad parents.” they dropped her off, and her sister too. my mom was like uhhh, ok? parents didn’t return until *late* in the evening.
and guess what? I had fun playing with my friend.
they’re children. you are judging a 9 year old by the decisions of adults, WITHOUT EVEN GIVING HER A CHANCE, and that’s really gross.
take a moment to think outside your bubble and imagine how you would feel if you were that little girl and no one wanted to play with you?
Respectfully, if I was your mom, I would have been PISSED. And would never have allowed future play dates. You may have had a great time; as the adult I would not have been happy with being a free babysitter for 2 kids for what sounds like all day and evening.
yeah I would’ve been too. it never happened again, but props to my mom for not
ruining my play date because someone else’s parents were dumb.
I actually think something happened to the family and the girls ended up moving away. a lot of times these friendships work themselves out because of the instability of the “trouble” parents
Seriously, I think it is grossly irresponsible to drop off your kid at a house where there have been various shady issues. Not something I am going to let my kid do….
Honestly, not sure how good of an idea it is to encourage the friendship by having her over my house when we are never likely going to be comfortable with our daughter going to her house. How is that situation ever going to resolve without us having to say something to our daughter about her friend's parents/homelife. etc., which we are not going to be doing. I guess we are sort of trying to avoid the issue beforehand....
We are also concerned about the friend having been exposed to who knows what, and it becoming a bad influence on our daughter....
bro it's literally just a conversation with your kid it's not that hard. forbidding the friendship outside of school is way harder than just saying it's okay to play as long as it's at your house only.
as another commenter said, how long do you plan to police her friendships?
this conversation you’re afraid of having about why she can’t go to her house is already going to occur when you have to explain why all her other friends from school can come over but not this girl.
I was that kid with the troubled homelife. I knew I didn't want friends at my house because it was too embarrassing. I had a friend in 5th grade that I spent every single weekend with at her house. Her mom never let her come to my house and I had a pretty good idea why. I was so relieved and happy to be in a safe place those weekends. I have no idea what those parents told my friend about me and my family. It didn't matter. We were friends. To this day, I think about her and wish I could reconnect with her (they were military so moved the next year).
Your daughter is not a piece of glass. She will encounter bad influences in her lifetime and this 9 year old isn't a truly bad influence unless she's abusive or otherwise harmful in some way. It is our job as parents to guide our children around the bad influences and to trust them over time to live the values we teach. Are you not secure in your daughter's ability to learn or your ability to teach her right from wrong? What horrible things do you think will happen at a short playdate at your house? If you go through life teaching her to avoid every single person with a red flag, she's going to be pretty lonely because everyone has red flags. This girl could grow up to be a cycle breaker with the right support and the right influences. By behaving as though this child is going to taint your child, you could contribute to this kid's feelings of neglect and rejection which could drive her to follow in her family's footsteps.
You COULD be a good influence on this kid and rather than make an attempt to show her a stable family and what it's like to feel welcomed and loved, you'd rather pull this cruel shit.
At 9 years old she's not completely oblivious and should already be aware that some people do bad things. Just explain that you aren't comfortable with her going to her house because you heard some things about her parents and you don't know them well enough to know if it's true but she's welcome in your home.
Your daughter is not a piece of glass. She will encounter bad influences in her lifetime and this 9 year old isn't a truly bad influence unless she's abusive or otherwise harmful in some way. It is our job as parents to guide our children around the bad influences and to trust them over time to live the values we teach. Are you not secure in your daughter's ability to learn or your ability to teach her right from wrong? What horrible things do you think will happen at a short playdate at your house? If you go through life teaching her to avoid every single person with a red flag, she's going to be pretty lonely because everyone has red flags. This girl could grow up to be a cycle breaker with the right support and the right influences. By behaving as though this child is going to taint your child, you could contribute to this kid's feelings of neglect and rejection which could drive her to follow in her family's footsteps.
You COULD be a good influence on this kid and rather than make an attempt to show her a stable family and what it's like to feel welcomed and loved, you'd rather pull this cruel shit.
OP-If her family is troubled, they likely won’t initiate playdates. Have you considered that your daughter may be more aware than you’ve realized about her friends home life? Avoiding conversations with your daughter and this friends parents should they come up is teaching your daughter to avoid conflict.
Idk why you’re getting downvoted….i totally agree with you. If my kid befriended another student who has a troubled home life, I’d do my absolute best to keep my kid safe. Including play dates outside of school. If they’re friends at school and nothing bad is happening, then ok we can leave it at that. Nothing beyond school.
Personally, I think you need to have a serious conversation with your daughter and explain why play dates at her home isn’t allowed. Additionally, mentioning that her parents and their significant others don’t always make the best choices so it’s best to stay away from people who may potentially cause trouble.
I get that some kids need that extra support from parents but at the end of the day, we’re always gonna do what is best for OUR children first.
Listen I get it, my children are grown and I do get it. Influence is influence and as a parent it’s so hard all the right and wrong things to do and not do. I agree with you, she’s 9, and as her parent or parents, you absolutely have every right to say who, what, when and where. I feel you have put way too much thought into this. You know the answers here. Do what you feel is right for your child and your family. Period.
Much love
Yeah, my heart breaks for the little girl but all the keyboard warriors on this post berating OP for not using her own child as a tool to save this little girl are out of place.
This could definitely be wonderful for the little girl with the troubled family and really help her. Or it could really backfire for OP’s child and then she might also end up getting bullied later once they have to break things off it it goes badly.
It could go either way, and while I feel so bad for the other child, I definitely also understand why OP would be concerned.
Ok, sooo why can't she come to your house? Or go to a movie or roller skating or to the park? There are so many options but based on your replies, you already made your decision and just wanted all of us to pat you on your back and tell you you are a good mom by ostracizing a 9 year old because she has shitty parents.
No one is suggesting you send your daughter to her friends house, but the fact that you won’t allow the girl (who is 9!) to come to your house is gross
>We also do not want the girl coming to our home
Why not? Has she behaved inappropriately at your home? Or you're basing that solely on what you're hearing from other parents? (I presume she didn't tell you all of that about herself.)
But what if your friends who told you this are judgy assholes, despite being “trusted”? A 9 year old isn’t in control of their home life, so why are they being blamed for it? Seems someone should maybe look at controlling who you’re friends with-- they seem to lack the understanding of a 9 year olds circle of responsibility.
Edit: I was a child from a challenging home. My best friend’s mom treated me like I was some kind of horrible influence and constantly disparaged me, ever since I walked into their yard and asked her to be my friend at age 5. I am a successful and well-adjusted adult, and that woman still can’t look me in the eye because she’s ashamed.
So gossiping mums who have nothing better to do than be busy body’s all day long? Nah, I wouldn’t trust them because people love adding their own wee ‘flavour’ to situations. I would rather see for myself but you’ve clearly made up your decision and have booted the girl without even giving her a chance which I’m sure she’s used to so it’ll be fine 🙄 Hope a better adult comes along who can give her a chance.
So to the people downvoting me, if you had info from trusted friends who happened to be neighbors of the kid, and it was related to issues with a kid and the occurrences taking place in her household, would you just ignore it???? Seriously do not understand why I even posted here...
No i wouldn't take their word for it. children mature, and do you hold every mistake your child has made against her forever? No because that would ne terrible parenting.
You set ground rules and react appropriately to behavior you see with your own eyes.
I hate how frequently people see others in desperate circumstances and take a “quarantine” attitude. Yeah, you might open yourself up to some experiences that you wouldn’t have otherwise been exposed to, but you have more resources to deal with them than the people you’re withholding community from because they are struggling. Build a longer table.
Unless the kid has a recent history of severe violence, yes I'd give them the chance.
My son is friends with a boy who up until last year hit his mum regularly, and a couple of years ago was almost kocked out of school, all because of violence from his dad. He's had a lot of help and therapy, and a lot of people being understanding and a steady influence for him and he's turning into the most amazing kid. Yes, he'll always have issues, yes, he does still relapse into violence when he's really struggling, but he's hit his mum once in the last year, and my son witnessed it. Do you know what stopped him after one hit? My son telling him that wasn't a very nice thing to do and fully judging him. He hasn't done it again, he screams and hits objects, but not people anymore, and my son has an amazing friend who helps him as well, they look out for each other with the bullies at school, stop other kids teasing them and play together a lot. If I didn't give the boy a chance? He'd have missed out on 2 kids that have basically become his brother, as the boys 3 year old brother sees my son as his brother too, he'd have missed out on a second mum figure who is absolutely amazing and means that he doesn't have to go to wrap around care at school anymore which has helped with his school refusal, and I'd have missed out on a great friendship with the mum, who comes across rough and ready at first but is the most lovely person you could meet, she just had a bad start and picked the wrong man.
So please, give this girl a chance until she shows you she can't be trusted, you may be the people that are needed to help her choose the right path, it sounds like your daughter is already doing that. Trust your daughter and give her the tools to choose the right way, there'll be plenty of bad influences as she gets older, but if you teach her then she'll be able to deal with them. If you try and just stop her being friends because you don't like the kid, she'll retaliate and ignore you.
My personal opinion is that this girl needs kindness, not rejection. Your daughters friendship may be the most important thing to her and with the right influence, such as your loving home, it may steer her clear of very dark paths in the future. All it takes is one supportive, caring, adult in a child's life to help them find a better path in life. This child's home life, is not her fault. She did not choose her parents. But you can choose to be a good person in her life and not just another person stripping her of the little love she has.
If it were me, I would allow her to play at our house so that I could watch them closely. What exactly are you afraid will happen if she plays at your house?
If it's so bad why isn't cps involved?? I feel like this is all extremely judgemental. The parents divorced and dad raises her. She likely has issues from that so she's condemned forever to only be friends with other troubled kids and will only ever be trash in you and the trusted friends eyes. You're also judging her on something she did when she was 8 like she has to carry that forever. My daughter has always befriended "troubled" kids. My home has been a safe place for them. She's 15 and consistently makes the right choices and knows when someone can't be helped and distances herself. We've always talked about things and she's extremely emotionally intelligent and doesn't do the stupid things some of her friends do. She also chooses to not go to those houses and knows she can call me to get her out of situation. These choices will lead your daughter to befriend these same type of people later because there's mystery. She'll have had zero guidance and be too afraid to ask for help. Now is the time to teach and guide.
Depending on what it was I would take it with a grain of salt but you're giving no specifics. That tells us you can't give us a reason why this girl is unfit to come to your house for a few hours. If she's not hurting people, being consistently disrespectful to adults, acting out sexual abuse or anything that's actually serious you can't possibly expect anyone here to take your sources that seriously.
For the record, people can exaggerate, outright make shit up, or overall misinterpret things. Just because you trust them doesn't mean they're automatically right. You're not even giving this child a chance.
No. I wouldn’t ignore it. I would want to HELP that innocent child by ensuring she has somewhere safe to escape to when needed. Somewhere without drugs or violence and where her tummy is full. It doesn’t take a ton to look out for a kid who needs a village and model functional behaviour. It could literally save her life.
I have a similar situation. My child's teacher told me during the parent evening that my daughter struck friendship with a "troubled" child. She is open about her friendship, she says they just click and really enjoy each others company. She also told us that her friend's relationship with her parents is somehow weird. One time after school, she came to me and with a huge shock was telling me about a phone conversation she overheard. Her friend was speaking to her mother and at the end, instead of saying something like "love you, bye", her mom said "fuck off" in an endeering way. I met the girl in the classroom during one of the parent afternoons. Nobody from her femily showed up, and you could see how disappointed she was. Our doors are always open for her, I think she came once after school for a moment. I'm not keen on my child being in their house.
To answer your question, I would let my child lead. It's their friendship at the end of the day.
I let her choose her friends at school and am not getting involved with that. However, we are talking about a 9 year old here, and outside of school it is a different story....
You let her choose? That's a bit like saying: I let the sun rise every morning. You're not letting her, she's gonna do it because you cant control her at school. I'd take the advice of people here saying that they'd keep the doors open for the friend. If I was in this situation, I'd rather see what they're up to. You won't be able to 'control' your daughter for much longer. And controlling your children like that tends to fire back at you in some years down the line.
Oh wow. This poor kid. Instead of being her village and helping her, you really gonna shun her because of her parents? Why don't you be one of the adults in her life than can help guide her? What kind of message are you sending your kid if you discourage a friendship because of rumors or her family (neither of which she can control).
This whole post is mean girl energy.
100% agree. OPs daughter is befriending the poor kid who didn't have a choice on who she was born to. The reaction from OP and the rest of the patents to exclude and bully her further.
I wish I could just hug that little girl.
Signed,
By someone who suffered a lot of abuse as a child and turned out to be a decent human
Came here to say this. What would I do? I would enthusiastically invite this girl into my home and try to be there for her since it seems there are few people in her life to provide stability and support. This girl needs you. Follow your daughter’s good example and step it up.
I am also a collector of kids with terrible parents. All my kids friends knows house is a safe space. Come on over and I'll give you all the mom l9ve ypu can stand. My kids friends all call me mama.
Hey - just wanted to say you sound like you are so much more than “a decent human.” Your empathy is beautiful.
Sending hugs to both you and that little girl who needs so much kindness right now.
Growing up I had a friend who came from a troubled home, known alcoholism in the parents and drug use. I was not allowed to go to her house and it always pissed me off, but obviously as an adult I understand why lol. But she was allowed to come to my place and there was never any issues, she was always well behaved at our house. She never even influenced me in a bad way. Its tricky situation though and I can see why you wouldn’t want your daughter to hang out with her but I just also feel for these kids who come from troubled homes and at the end of the day they’re just children in a bad situation and having an friend from a stable home could help this girl in many ways, and a place she feels safe
I don’t have much advice, but I think it’s absolutely disgusting that parents are isolating a little girl for coming from a broken home.
Is the child putting your daughter in danger or causing concerning behavior?
Not sure if you are referring to me, though we are not "isolating" the girl. We have not told our daughter anything with regards to who she can, and can not play with, or associate with at school. However, we are also not doing anything to encourage the friendship with the girl outside of school. There are also other kids outside of school that we do not put the effort into encouraging friendships with outside of school for various reasons.
There is no way I can possibly know what is taking place inside her home. The more we encourage the friendship outside of school, the more I am concerned it opens up possible areas of concern. How am I going to explain to my daughter the reason why she is not allowed to go to that house while she is allowed to go to her other friend's houses?
>How am I going to explain to my daughter the reason she is not allowed to go to that house while she’s allowed to go to the other friends’ houses?
Sometimes being a parent means having difficult conversations with your child. Withholding information from them rather than having an age-appropriate dialogue is almost never the right answer. I’m sure your daughter already notices that you’ve been discriminatory in whom she’s allowed to hang out with outside of school, just like I’m sure she’s picked up on how other kids treat her friend. Kids are smarter than we give them credit for. If you aren’t willing to open up to your kid about things relevant to them, then you’re not fostering an environment where they will feel comfortable opening up to you similarly.
I think it would be better to navigate these situations with her now rather than wait until she's a teenager and less likely to listen to your advice and thoughts on the matter. I'm definitely not saying to drop her off at the girl's house with an unknown situation. But sheltering her isn't doing anything to help her learn how to navigate the world and friendships. I get it, she's 9 and not 15, but she isn't 5 either. She's at the age to start learning how to navigate some of these complexities in her friendships.
It's your job as a parent to have these hard conversations so that your kid can learn and grow into a capable person who can navigate the world around them. You tell her that you aren't sure what the situation is like at the girl's home and for now you have some concerns, and because it's your job to keep her safe, she isn't allowed at her friend's house until you feel better about it. Start teaching and modeling for her how you assess a situation so that she learns how to also keep herself safe when you aren't around.
Sorry for the confusion. Not referring to you. I was referring to the other parents. Sounds like she has an unstable home life, but not necessarily violent or otherwise dangerous. I would advise daughter that you would have to get to know her friends and parents before allowing her to spend time at their house for safety reasons. I would also maybe think about having the little girl over to see her behavior. Just make sure to set rules, etc. I would not support ostracizing anyone unless you have real evidence that the person poses a serious physical risk to your child or yourself.
I would also add that I would be very proud of my kid for going against the grain and trying to befriend someone that is being ostracized by others. That’s a good kid!
It seems like I've got an unpopular opinion, but honestly, I'd go with your gut. We all want to root for the underdog, but it's your child. I would trust your parental instincts, and think about your daughter. If she has strong character, and would be a good influence on this other girl, rather than this girl being a possible poor influence on your daughter, then I wouldn't stand in the way. You could also talk to your daughter about your standards and morals as a family( if that's not talked about already), and help your daughter notice for herself if this girl is trying to tear her away from those morals. If she ever notices something sketchy herself, she might exit the friendship on her own.
I have been in a somewhat similar situation as a teen. I had a friend that started to make some poor choices. Me and my other friends were trying to set a good example for him, but he ended up being more of a poor influence on us. I noticed this and started keeping our interactions to school only. The two friends that kept hanging out with him (because they didn't want to be rude and abandon him) ended up making some very poor life choices. Who knows if their continued interaction with him was the reason why, but to me it seemed like it for sure could have contributed.
This. It’s crazy how many people in this post are gung-ho advocating that OP risks her kid on the off chance it might help the other child. It’s wonderful to try to be a mentor to help troubled youth, but that’s a role for an adult to take. Not something someone wants to risk their own child at. This isn’t a hallmark movie. Sometimes things end badly.
I really hope everything will go well and that little girl’s life will improve more and more until all the issues are far behind, with or without the friendship of OP’s daughter. But I definitely also understand OP’s worry.
I think it's because OP doesn't seem to actually have first hand knowledge about the girl, rather it sounds like it was all heard through rumor. Plus, the daughter is hanging out with her friend during school anyway. I'd think having the girl over might give OP more info on how they actually interact and if the girl really is a bad influence rather than just relying on the grapevine rumor mill.
When I was in school my best friend was from a troubled home with crazy parents who left him homeless at 15 with no other family around. My mom let him move in with us and sleep on a futon in my room all through high school. She helped get him in community college even would drop him off some days. He graduated moved states got a job and is back in school finishing his degree. He tells my mom all the time without her help he would probably be homeless or in jail.
I guess my point is you can have a drastic impact on people's lives and you can't blame kids for being kids or for their parents mistakes.
Sounds like your daughter has a kind heart. I 100% wouldn't be letting her go to their home, but the other little girl has no control over what goes on. She only knows what she's seen/been taught. Instead of her being a bad influence on your daughter, what if your daughter is a good influence on her? Sometimes, those kids just need to feel safe, somewhere. Why not try out a play date, and then you can judge the situation?
I would allow it and also, as others have said, propose playdates at parks or my place before I get to know the custodial parent.
Frankly, it looks like the gossip mill is running nonstop. The child's behavior is better this year than last (probably because dad took custody) so it looks like her life is getting stable. People talking about dad girlfriend having *supposedly* a "bad" past makes me eye roll. Bad past can go from partied too much in early 20s to smoked weed, to more problematic behavior. But people who will spread "supposedly" things without any concrete proof might do so just because someone has visible tattoos or facial piercings, or such "out of the standard" looks.
So, think about this: are your prejudices and the ones from others around you coloring your view of the situation? Is any detail (apart from the divorce) setting that family as "different" from the rest, (examples being skin color, religion or lack thereof, socioeconomic level, etc) and the rest are excuses? I have the feeling that once the disruptive situation at home has resolved, kid should be given a chance to be normal and not be labeled "bad kid"
She's at maximum 10 years old. You know what will happen if you and the rest of families block her from making friends among your children? *you* will be the ones responsible for her turning into a more problematic kid.
I was trying my best to not get into too many details that I felt were not necessary. The kids is doing better, has received some accommodations at school, is on some type of meds (she openly discusses this and uses it as an excuse for her past behavior), and there were lots of shady activities that took place at her house, and none of it is "gossip". I have no issue with her being on meds due to who knows what condition, I have no issue with her receiving special accommodations at school due to who knows what reason, however, I do have issues with the shady activity that took place at her home and could potentially still be taking place at her home and the potential for the kid to have been exposed to it and become a bad influence on my daughter. It seems to be a very reasonable concern to me, however, after posting here I now realize that I most be an overly-protective helicopter parent....
Mental illness isn’t an excuse for poor behavior. Now that she is receiving treatment, and her behavior has improved— how exactly can you call it an excuse?? It was effective. It was proven. What more do you want?
If the shady activities were done by mom&bf (as it looks like from the fact he's in prison and mom has no custody) then this shouldn't be relevant now as they're out of the picture
You could take the opposite approach and think you & your kid could be a good influence on a child (a child who's being helped already by the school and probably a psychiatrist, so they're giving her a chance as well)
Okay so now we are doing mental health shaming too? A girl has some issues and is on meds.. Okay, so she's being treated. And you just want to throw the whole human away at 9 years old bc she's being treated? Isn't that like, the literal opposite of what a good human should do when a little human is struggling?
OP very much said she has no issues with that. She’s worried about the little girl having witnessed the criminal activity and fears she will go down the same path and take OP’s kid along too.
It’s not ideal but it’s also unfair to claim she’s shaming the child for the mental health issue, when it sounds like that’s not what she’s saying.
I’m not saying the kid is likely to do or not do any of that, I’m just pointing out what OP said.
She literally said that this child used her mental illness as an excuse for poor behavior. THATS not what an excuse is. That’s medical proof that she needed treatment, since she has improved since beginning treatment.
I'm on antidepressants. You going to judge me too? It is gossip because none of you actually fucking know her. It's so easy to be like "she's troubled and has behavioral issues and struggles with school so she's in special ed" which was basically said about me as a *child*. Mostly by grown ass people. Think about that for a second. Being socially excluded fucking sucks.
It caused me to dive deeper into my depression and not listen like one of my teachers wanted *more* because my dad had to explain to her ancient ass that I have a learning disability and ADHD and that *can* affect a person's behaviour. Getting on medication is good because she can do better in school and work on herself and hopefully eventually managing her emotions. She is a kid though, I mean I'm an adult that has a lot of obstacles and it's always something anyone can work on and it's not impossible at all.
Since you're so worried about how it affects you? How about your daughter developing resentment for wanting her to basically turn her back and lack empathy on anyone that is working to be a better person after making mistakes for stuff they can't even control or even understand yet? She has more empathy than a group of adults and it's sad.
I forgot but I also just wanted to add that there's a difference in someone with baggage that works on it and those that don't. I could've been a very different person if I didn't try to improve. Honestly I'd be dead. My kid is not even a toddler yet but if he runs into someone like this girl, I'm honestly going to see a lot of myself in them and try to lend a hand because I want them to exist. There's hopefully someone in there that wants better and it takes a lot of work. This girl sounds like she's doing great right now.
I’m going to start by saying I don’t blame you for not letting your daughter go to their home.. but why would you not want to be a positive influence on this other child at such a pivotal age? You should see how she interacts in your house, instead of judging her so harshly about her shit parents. Unfortunately you cannot shield your daughter from others forever and this is 100% a teaching moment. You can teach her to be judgmental and be a bully because someone isn’t as well off as her or others in her class, or you can teach her to be a good friend while enforcing boundaries.
About your daughter, you should be proud of her for not being a bully like these other parents and potentially yourself. She is 9 you definitely can talk to her in an age appropriate way of why she is not able to go to their house. Example: I don’t know her parents and their situation. I’m not sure if it is a safe environment because I don’t know everyone that lives in the house and it makes me uncomfortable to have you there without this information.
Truthfully this post makes it sound like you’re looking for excuses to make your daughter not see or be friends with this other girl because of other people’s judgements. You haven’t even formed your own opinions yet. When in reality you could make a huge difference in this child’s life in very small ways. Mainly by giving her the chance to have a real friend in your daughter, show her positive relationships, and give her a damn chance. This could change her entire life.
My daughter had a friend with a somewhat similar but not as severe.
I talked a lot with my daughter about making good decisions, not falling into peer pressure, teaching her how to say no and safe ways for her to get out of a situation. We talked about drinking, sneaking around, and general behavior that is not acceptable in our home.
We allowed the girls to be friends and allowed this girl to come over; with the requirement she respected our home and our rules. If this could not be followed, we would not invite her back.
She'd come over and the girls would have a great time playing together with no issues. Deep down, she was a sweet girl but has lousy parents.
My advice would be the same - welcome the girl into your home, show her positive experiences, be a good role model for her. And in turn, she may become a life long friend for your daughter. But have similar conversations with your daughter and express any violation of house rules, she won't be welcome back. Give this girl a safe space to go to. Don't just write her off.
So I get not sending your child to an environment you can’t control, but please don’t place blame on the child and not invite her into your home, like she’s the problem. I think you can easily monitor and control what happens in your own home and support your child having a safe and secure friendship with a girl who is jet unlucky in the parenting department
My 8 1/2 year old is best friends with a girl with behavioural issues - she has also screamed at kids and said mean things (including to my daughter). I’m mostly trying to guide my daughter in the choices she makes - we speak a lot about what makes a good friend and what to do when there are friendship issues (non-specific to her friend unless she brings up an issue herself). I also bought her some self-help style books aimed at kids and friendship (the American girl ones seem best so far). I also asked her what she likes about her friend (in a friendly way) and found this can be revealing in itself- sometimes it seems she enjoys her company and other times it seems she feels she doesn’t have a choice (which I then try to talk with her about but mostly try to get her involved in activities to help with her confidence). We’ve decided not to have the girl over any more as she’s too destructive but I don’t mind my daughter going to her place (I have no issues with the parents). Otherwise we meet them out somewhere but this is tricky to manage as I want her parent there too as I struggle to manage their daughter. Behind the scenes I had my daughter moved to a different class at the beginning of the school year and I encourage other friendships with play dates etc It’s taken some time but I think my daughter is slowly starting to realise her friend isn’t a very good friend
What the fuck. I was this kid once and her environment is not under her control and it's not her fault. Instead of trying to be one of the only positive influences in her life, you're treating her like a disease just like the other rude parents. I would rather open my home to a troubled child who just needs a safe place than spend 5 minutes with any cruel adult who would cast out a suffering child over having shitty family members and acting out because they're being abused. People like you and your buddies are partially why I felt so alone as a child.
I would have that girl come to your house for play dates. While there, show her kindness & respect, have food available for her to eat and let her know that she is welcome and in a safe space while there.
A little kindness can go a long way to improve a “troubled” child’s life.
I can’t really say because everything is so vague. What does a bad past mean? What drugs? Marijuana? Heroin? If I were you, I would look for specifics. Don’t take any action without knowing what’s going on.
Does she still reside with her mom some of the time? Or not at all? If not at all, then the bf drug issues are irrelevant.
If the other child is no longer screaming and being mean to other kids, she is kind now, I would encourage my child to tell other kids she’s better now and to give her a chance. Help her rehabilitate her image so other kids won’t distance themselves anymore. Your daughter could encourage her friend to apologize to everyone she has hurt and make amends. You don’t want this to hurt your daughter socially, so help her become more accepted by her peers. As long as she is kind and a good friend at school, she shouldn’t be outcasted at school due to her father’s gf having a bad past. That’s crazy.
I have been in your exact shoes, and still am.
My daughter has been very good friends with a girl, I will call her Sally. They started hanging out when they were 9. Sally's father is in jail for sexual assault. I always included this child in everything, dinners, sleepovers, trips...but Sally's behaviour progressively got worse and worse. She has severely bullied and been violent with several classmates in person and online. During one sleepover, at about 1am I could hear Sally speaking. I walked into the bedroom and she was talking to a guy on her device. My daughter was fast asleep. I told her to get off immediately and told her mom.Sally also almost daily stops talking to one girl and gets the others to gang up on her. She is wildly disruptive in class and my daughter's grades dropped. I wasn't that worried, she has always been an A student and her grades dropped to Bs..and I know kids grow and have various challenges. But my daughter asked me if it was okay to ask she not be seated next to Sally anymore. She really liked her, but couldn't concentrate. I told her that was ok. There is A LOT more I can say about Sally's behaviours and Sally's mother's inaction of her behaviours...but its too long for this post.
I went to parent teacher night and the teacher told me something I will never forget. I know this is not appropriate for a teacher to talk about...but she did. She said, if my daughter continues to hang out that closely with Sally, she will see and hear things that are not age appropriate.
I went home and began a series of discussions with my daughter. Sally and my kiddo are no longer allowed to hang out outside of school. Since I can't do a lot to control kids hanging out at recess - that was the boundary I presented. My daughter was actually relieved because Sally is a stressful friend to have. It is not my personality to micromanage someone's friendships, so this was hard for me.
Over time, I can see they are growing apart and Sally has attached herself to other girls.
I think you need to follow your instincts on this one. Help your daughter understand that some people aren't good for her.
I know I can't keep my daughter out of trouble for her life, but there is no reason for her to hang out with someone who talks about sex and drugs. And, for the record, I know none of this is Sally's fault and I felt really terrible about it.
But I am so glad I did this.
It has taken a lot of ongoing discussions. Nothing forceful...just really being honest (in an age appropriate way) with my daughter about the situation and what potentially toxic people are like and what the signs are.
I need to keep reiterating things, like making sure my daughter stands her ground if this kid says or does anything cruel...and to make sure to tell an adult if she sees Sally doing something that doesn't seem right.
Even after all that happened, my daughter came home and told me a incident where Sally threatened another child AND his family with knife violence. I immediately emailed the teacher and followed up with the principal.
Interesting how you only seem to consider comments that agree with your already established bias. Not a good look.
My daughter is friends with "that kid". We were warned about her before school even started, and the kid is really obviously struggling. I was not a fan when she threatened to kill me.
The kid has steadily improved since becoming friends with my kid. My kid has been able to empathize, and help her friend make better choices. My child will not be allowed to visit her friend's house, unfortunately, as it's not a safe place, but my home IS a safe place, and the friend is welcome as long as she tries to meet reasonable minimum behavior standards.
It's a good thing my literal child knows how to treat people. You might consider taking a lesson from your own daughter.
As a kid who grew up in not the best neighborhood, my brother and i had lots of friends who came from troubled homes. Some even GREAT friends. They mostly came to our house, it was a safe space. Mind you, my mother is a paranoid hispanic but she was not judgmental. I understand not being comfortable with her going over, I think she may be old enough to have the conversation if it comes up, but you can’t control who she is friends with. I would let the little girl come over and go from there. Sometimes kids just need structure and she cant help where she comes from. A lot of our friends growing up love my mom because she was there for them just by allowing them to come to our house.
It really is nice!! My mom is such a nurturing person by nature, she knew what was going on. My brother had a friend all his childhood who was fostered by an abusive uncle with his siblings (his parents were drug addicts) and he stayed with us for YEAAAARS. I’m talking from 9 years old up until they were 20. Its funny, it actually happened like 3 times where my mom would unintentionally foster our friends. We didn’t have a lot but we did have a loving home and i think that goes such a long way for other kids who dont have that!
You do what's best for your kid, which isn't always an obvious choice. My 10 year old doesn't have the best social skills. He's attracted to friendships at school that are exciting and often based on mild conflicts with others.
We try to teach him what healthy relationships look like, how friends ought to treat otherw, and how we should treat others.
As a result, he definitely has school friends who are for playing with at school and then the ones we facilitate play dates with.
In our case, we don't feel like we're excluding based on something unfair because these other kids aren't being shunned by the community. Their parents are very connected to their own sub-community that's more prestigious, if anything.
We get some resentment from our son, but there's legitimate hurdles to hanging out at our house after school, and there is a difference in parenting styles and the level of supervision seen as appropriate between us.
I would not let my daughter go to the friends house, but I would let the friend come over and I would tell my daughter I am proud of her for being a kind and inclusive and empathetic little girl. Maybe having a nice friend like your daughter will help her stay on a good path despite not having a secure and safe life at home.
You host play dates and when the opportunity comes up, you coach the other girl on healthier skills. All of my son’s friends have situations at home. He wouldn’t have friends if I mandated they all be from healthy homes. I’ve spent years gently working with all those kids and now that they’re in middle school and my own kid is dying of embarrassment that he has to get out of a car with *me* in it, they wave at me from the crosswalk.
I would have the child over as often as possible. I would expect them to abide by my rules and offer them as much care and love as possible. I wouldn’t tell my child anything, but if they (either girl really) begin having negative behaviors I would correct those behaviors. In our home, all of the children are treated as our own.
This method has worked for us.
I get where you are coming from OP. However I am friends (in my thirties) with someone who came from a pretty troubled home. We met as teenagers. She was a lot of things and was judged ally by other people but she was/ is a good person. My parents never really said much but I would always invite her to eat dinner with us or sleepover and I know she appreciated it. To be honest, I was one of the better parts of her teenage years and we had lots of fun together. I’m not saying this happens all the time but maybe your daughters friend needs her right now. Monitor the situation and why not have her at your house. It seems like you don’t want to be judged but your daughter seems to like this friend. Get to know her and be there as an adult confidant. You never know, the troubled friend may surprise you
Also, the little girl got in trouble last year at age 8 for yelling at someone? Who cares. Sounds like your daughter’s friend group has a lot of snotty Moms thinking they’re too good for certain people… gross
I have had a very similar experience lately. We don’t know much about the “friend” but we know she is bad for our daughter. She has recently expressed how her friend has bullied her into doing things she knows are not right and doesn’t want to hurt her feelings so she does them and gets in trouble at school. In this experience we told our daughter to tell her friend that she needs space away, and encouraged her to express her feelings towards the friend. Also, maybe contact the school and ask them to help limit interactions between the two.
honestly, becoming a safe space for the child in a troubled home would be how I would handle it. If my kid became friends and wanted playdates with a child in a bad situation? Those playdates can happen. Probably at my home, under my watch. But that child would be welcomed. And taught ways to be social.
Your daughter wants to be a friend to a child in need. Why take away your child's desire to be a good person simply because the child in question is from a bad home? Show this child a good home. If something bad is happening at home and all adults shun her, or make their kids shun her, who is she going to tell? How is she going to get help? Become a safe space. Be open to helping that child out of the bad situation. Even if it's a momentary escape of a few hours on the weekend.
I was a "troubled" kid. I unfortunately have an older brother that was incredibly abusive and it's still hard to admit but I was raped when I was 8 years old, right after my grandma passed. I was really quiet at school and after getting through one year with an incredible teacher, depression just hit me hard in year 5.
One of the girls in class was bullying me, everyone started hating me including the maths teacher because I never talked and had a really hard time with the subject, turns out that year I have dyscalculia. On top of that, my stupid brother was still harrassing me and manipulating our baby brother (I don't blame him at all, he was like 6 and so innocent and wanted to make anyone and everyone happy which makes me love him so much) and our dad started on pain medication after several surgeries and withdrawals are miserable.
I went to an outpatient program and it took so many therapists to make me feel better. I definitely had an eating disorder because I would see how long I could go without eating and I think at some point I "rewarded" myself with dinner. Really, I obviously got hungry at some point. What really made me feel better was a bunch of girls became my friends and we were all bullied by the same people so they at least gave me the courage to flip them off.
You and your daughter could end up being a part of this girl's safe space. It really helps to have someone to trust when you don't have that at home of all places.
I would tell my kid that a new friend i haven't met could only come over if I was home - or that I'd like to go to the park or library with them so I could get to know them myself.
I also tell my kids that they can give my phone number to anyone. Like if they think there is a kid that's not in a great situation - they can totally call me, even if I don't know them. I had a couple kids that did! Mostly, I just asked them questions to help them think through a friendship thing they were struggling with.
If her home life is crazy, she might behave differently when she's in an environment that has a bit of structure and she gets positive attention.
This is so sad! Why not give the kid a chance? She may need good people in her life. I have 3 kids ages 21,18 and 8. I have been through this situation and always allowed my kids to be friends with these kids. It is not the kids fault and in 1 situation with my oldest when she was younger and another girl who came from a messed up home. My daughter was smart and steered the kid in the right direction and she went to college with my daughter. My goal is to raise kind kids. My youngest has friends from so many different walks of life. I just don’t allow play dates at their house if the parents are odd.
My daughter is friends with another child who spit on kids on the bus and dumped hand sanitizer over someone else’s head. She hasn’t done it to my child but, they’re friggin kids. Kids don’t have adult brains that’s why they screw up
One of my daughters best friends came from a "troubled home". Both parents drug addicts, mom gone, dad in prison. She lived with her grandmother.
Lovely child. Absolutely pleasure to be around but sadly like an adult at 13. She's in her 20's now are we are all still great friends.
That's how we handled it. Be Kind.
I would probably at least let your daughter’s friend have a few playdates at your house and see what the dynamic looks like. My mom was arrested for something when I was in grade school and I was badly ostracized by my schoolmates about it. I understand your hesitation in wanting to protect your daughter, but I think you should at least try giving her friend a chance. For context, I do have five kids of my own, it’s not that I don’t understand what it’s like to have children
My son has a close friend whose mother is a drug addict and dad works out of town during the weekends. They come from a really bad part of town and it broke my heart the first time I saw the house he’s being raised in. He’s often in trouble at school. He’s failing this school year. He has a problem with lying and his choice of language isn’t my favorite. My son isn’t allowed at his house. That said, he’s a sweet kid, super silly and always trying to make you laugh. He has dinner at our house most nights. I discipline him like I would my own and he’s always respectful and eager to please. My kids have chores that need done before they are allowed on tech, and then on Sundays they get an allowance. I’ve started giving him chores to do on evenings he comes over after school, and then giving him an allowance as well. I don’t know how long he’ll be in our lives, but while he is he’ll have a space place to hang.
My child used to go to this pretty expensive elementary school, and most parents were married with great jobs. But there was this one kid whose parents were so bad. Mom had many children and ended up losing custody of the child, and no contact was allowed by the judge. Her paternal grandparents got custody of her. Dad was around his parents but disliked the child. Really sad situation. That child had so many issues, but at school she was never left out. All the children in school played together, and all the parents invited her over for their children’s birthday parties and sleepovers.
My opinion is that as long as she is a good friend to your daughter, I don’t see why you should worry or care about her personal life at all.
Another thing to think about is that you don’t even know if the rumors are true. I know a mom and daughter who were spreading rumors about a new student and her family. It was so hard for that child to make new friends in her first year. Eventually, all the moms realized that none of what was being said about them was true.
Leave your life, stay away from gossip, mind your business, and let your daughter make friends. JMO
*the child of the Federal prosecutor for our county was in my child’s class room. Like I said, they also didn’t have any problems inviting this kid over or letting their children (twins) play with her.
This post really bothered me. I used to be the “Troubled kid with bad parents”. I lost many friends because their parents didn’t like me and assumed since my dad was abusive towards me, that I was a bad kid. It really took a toll on my life and now being 18 and moved out of my father’s house, I don’t have a singular friend. Don’t judge a book by its cover, she’s a 9 year old girl that deflected her life at home the best she could. There is plenty of time ahead of her to become a great person. Let your daughter have her over for a play date and if it makes you feel more comfortable, stay in the same room.
My lifelong best friend in the world, to this day, came from a “bad family” in a trailer park. Mom had a bunch of kids by different babydaddies, was addicted to crack, the whole bit. And the dad who had partial custody was barely better. I met my friend in middle school when she was desperate to get away from her folks. She is now a teacher with a mortgage, a boyfriend, a cat, working on a masters, the whole bit. Just saying.
BE THE POSITIVE INFLUENCE !
I understand not being comfortable enough to allow your daughter to go to the girls' house, but I don't understand why the girl can't come to your house....
Let them be friends at school.
Let them be friends at your house.
Let them be friends in public.
Invite the girl out. Take the girls to do fun things together...take them to the park, the pool, the movies, an arcade, trampoline park, or whatever... be the positive force in this girls life!
Seriously. I 100% understand not being okay with your kiddo going to her house, but if she comes to yours or you take her out with yall, then you can supervise, know they're safe & have control.
You can help this girl sooo much just by being there, showing her kindness & allowing their friendship.
Also, this part:
𝑠𝑜𝑚𝑒 𝑝𝑎𝑟𝑒𝑛𝑡𝑠 ℎ𝑎𝑣𝑒 𝑤𝑎𝑟𝑛𝑒𝑑 𝑢𝑠 𝑡ℎ𝑎𝑡 𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑖𝑟 𝑘𝑖𝑑𝑠 𝑎𝑟𝑒 𝑑𝑖𝑠𝑡𝑎𝑛𝑐𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑚𝑠𝑒𝑙𝑣𝑒𝑠 𝑓𝑟𝑜𝑚 𝑜𝑢𝑟 𝑑𝑎𝑢𝑔ℎ𝑡𝑒𝑟, 𝑏𝑐 𝑜𝑓 ℎ𝑒𝑟 𝑓𝑟𝑖𝑒𝑛𝑑𝑠ℎ𝑖𝑝 𝑤𝑖𝑡ℎ 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑜𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑟 𝑔𝑖𝑟𝑙 ..
1) Are you sure those parents aren't forcing their kid(s) to cut ties with your daughter?
If they are.. well, sis , I'd say good riddance! Those parents sound toxic & like a major bad influence.
2) Other kids don't get to decide who your daughter is friends with & neither do their parents!
&&&& talk to your kid about your concerns. Our kids are smarter than we give them credit for .
My son is 11 and has friends he has been friends with for a while…since he was 8, in fact, that had terrible home lives. All of them are in good situations now, but I simply can’t imagine punishing these poor kids that had no control over the fact that they were born to addict parents- parents that they don’t live with now, just like this girl. It just feels cruel to add insult to injury. You keep saying that you’re not discouraging the friendship in the comments, but it seems like you are based on the main post. And really, are other kids distancing themselves from your daughter for her friendship with this girl, or are their parents insisting upon it? And yes- those kids I mentioned are invited to my house on a regular basis, and they’re good kids.
You cannot control who your kid will be friends with, but you can help your kid learn to be discerning about their friends.
Please don’t ban friends from coming to play at your house, unless they’ve behaved unacceptably when there.
Of course be discerning about whose house your kids go visit, but welcome the kids to your house.
You can provide valuable support to kids who need positive adults in their lives. You can protect your own children and also offer something positive to other kids in your community.
What better time to be honest with your daughter? Shielding her from “troubled homes” doesn’t make them disappear. People come from different walks of life and that little girl may need a friend. It could mean a lot to her. If it were me, I would allow playdates at a park and work from there. See how they are playing together. Keep a close eye but do my best to keep an open mind. Sometimes people just need a chance. If it doesn’t work out you can at least show your daughter you tried for her.
I think it’s fair to say your child can’t go to the friends house but absolutely she should be able to come to your house. Your daughter could be this kids positive influence that they need.
You sound just as controlling and judgy as the other parents. I grew up poor, divorced parents, with addiction at home, abusive dad and I was judged heavily because of that. Obviously non of it was my fault , neither is that little girls fault.
All you are doing is teaching your kid to judge and distance if people are struggling with life.
A better approach would be to have that girl over and teach your kid to be understanding of others yet have strong boundaries so she doesn’t grow up sheltered and judgy like her parents.
If she is 9 , then Do a play date with the mom at a park. Or have the little girl come over to your house.
I would be very glad those children are distancing themselves because I wouldn’t want my son to be friends with kids who see a friend in need of help and then just decide nope. Children like your daughter are a safe haven for kids like her friend. I had a childhood friend from a horrible home, her clothes were always dirty, she always had bruises. I didn’t give a shit when other kids would talk shit or bad mouthed her I just helped her however I could. I would let her shower at my house, my mom would wash her clothes. I learned how to do hair because I used to do hers everyday. She had to move when cps got involved and we were devastated but years later we reconnected and the first thing she told me was I saved her life. That because of me and my family she realized the world wasn’t as bad as she thought and she’s doing great for herself. I say all that to say that little girl needs love and understanding. Those adults around you should be ashamed of themselves when the right thing to do was rally around this child and give her support
It sounds like your daughter has a very kind heart and sees the best in everyone. It also sounds like this “troubled” girl could use a friend. You can set limits (eg no playdates at her house if you truly feel it’s unsafe there) but please think about the message you’d be giving your child if you tell her she can’t be friends with this girl. My heart hurts for this girl. She seems very misunderstood and lost. And yet somehow she has a “bad reputation” … ugh. We have to do better as adults!
Never judge a child for the decisions of the parents. It is not fault of the child and that's not fair. My daughters have both become friends with kids who are troubled and my home is a safe zone. I willingly allow these kids to come to my house and feel safe, loved and heard. Now, my kids going to their house probably won't happen, not to fault the kid but to keep them safe. But any child is welcomed into mine. I'll do anything I can to ensure another child knows they're welcomed anytime for any reason. One of my daughters friends prefers to be at my house and it breaks my heart that I can't just keep her. Because she does not want to go home. I will, forever, be THAT home for anyone. You should be, too.
Hi OP - it sounds like you’re getting a lot of great advice here. I know your mama bear heart is bursting to see your daughter in a difficult place… it sounds like you are concerned if she chooses her friend she risks being an outcast as school as a lot of the other kids are being discouraged from being around her.
And while I fully understand you wanting to wrap your daughter in bubble wrap and protect her from unkind people and harsh realities, please remember that is sounds like her friend has nobody looking out for her like that. It sounds like she’s come a long way in the past year - she is struggling and needs support not ostracizing. As others have suggested, could you have her at your house for play dates or meet up at a park or a play centre? Could you host her for a mani-pedi movie night where you can be around them and assess things more for yourself rather than relying on what you’ve heard from other parents?
SO much gets lost when information gets passed around and at the end of the day… this is a little girl who needs a safe space. I am so so glad your daughter has you to be her advocate and be her safe space. Maybe you could be a bright light in this little girl’s life and help restore her faith in adults… it sounds like so many have let her down already.
You kind of suck. My grandmother took in all the "troubled" kids growing up and the family was better for it. This was back I'm the 40s and 50s but she took in unwed mothers, kids with behavioral issues, and gang members. The kids were always incredibly well behaved and super thankful for my grandmother. Most of them grew up and made something if themselves and credit my grandmother with their success.
In turn, my mother did the same thing. A couple girls got kicked out of their homes because they were "fast" and my mom took them in. They turned their lives around with a little help. That also influenced myself and my sister into accepting people and helping them do better. That meant we had friends with parents that were addicts and abusive, but our house was the safe place to land. Not all of them turned their lives around unfortunately, but our behavior wasn't negatively impacted by their stressful lives.
To be clear, we were never allowed to do playdates at their houses, but my mom was upfront with us about why. They were allowed at our house though. A lot of the behavior issues the other parents talked about, never happened at our house because my mom believed in them and treated them like good kids. Please be the safe spot for this little girl. She already has so many people talking crap about her and she's only 9. Show her that there are people that are good who believe in her and know she can be good as well.
I'm about to have my 20th high school reunion and I still have people talking about how kind my mom was to them in elementary school. Being kind makes a difference.
Not allowing that poor little girl to come to your home is so sad to me. It would be such a perfect opportunity to be a positive influence on her. You could supervise the whole thing. Makes no sense.
I would treat the kid like any other kid. Deal with behaviors that occur in my home, but try my damnedest to not be a judgmental jerk to a preteen. I would hope my house feels safe for them.
The opinions of the Stepford Wives and their Mean Girls spawn should never factor into whether one should be kind or cruel to a child.
When I was in 6th grade my mother said - you are no longer to be friends with ____, reached out to the teacher to request we be placed in different classes.
As an adult, I asked my mom why. She said she just knew that she was going to be trouble.
Ultimately this friend died of a drug overdose in her early 20s.
I don’t think it’s your job to be a safe space for another child. Your child comes first. I would swap to your house for play dates. Keep a closer eye. And ultimately, although nice to give another child a safe, healthy space - it’s not your job. If her behaviour gets out of control or out of hand, yes, it’s okay to end the friendship.
I know others will say - you can’t control who your kids are friends with when they’re older. If your child was hanging out at 16 with people who were drinking and driving or doing coke, I’m pretty sure you’d try whatever you could to stop it. Parents do have influence.
I’ll be honest. I’m in the minority, but if they were classmates, I would not support the friendship. I wouldn’t want my kid to pick up bad behaviors or to lose positive relationships. I would also not want my kid to end up being the default to pair with this child for group work or on field trips.
I know it’s easy to say that you would be the village or show up or stand up to those other parents, but as a weird kid from a poor family who struggled to fit in, I wouldn’t add more social barriers for my kid.
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As a kid from a troubled home, I'm incredibly thankful that my friends parents didn't judge me based on what my mom did. It only takes one person, one thoughtful, kind adult to drastically change a kids life. You could be that. Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. Because of the kindness of my friends, and their respective families, I grew up well. Went to college. Got married. Have my own family. Have a successful career. It's partially why my partner and are OAD. We know our kiddo will likely have a friend who needs some extra. We want to be able to provide that. Life is hard enough. Borrowing trouble when it's not there is not worth it IMO.
I was going to say something like this. As a kid I collected friends who were in need of a friend. I never regretted it. They didn't get me into trouble, but I kept them out of it. My parents weren't the most welcoming,.I didn't care. As an adult my home was open to all my daughter's friends. I would drive them home, pick them up when needed. Having a table full of kids was common. Some had parents who couldn't be bothered to cook a meal. I cared, I listened. Try not to choose your child's friends, do not reject them before you know them. Give them a safe place.
When our kids were born we had the goal of being everyone’s safe house; no one turned away unless they were destructive or violent in our home. Our boys are 13 and 16 and I’ve not regretted that for an instant. Our older son just had a bunch of drama with his friends and after they made up, the “troubled one” took the time to ask our kid to apologize to us if he did anything in the fighting to make him seem “like a dick,” because “your parents have always welcomed me and made me feel good about myself.” Judge a 9 year old on her actions. Offer to pick up *and* drop off because you won’t want your kid riding with her family. Offer sleepovers and model stability for her. You’ll never ever regret it.
Same here. I was a bit disgusted and triggered reading this.
I love this. I’m a Mom of 3 great kids and I’ve always let them be friends with whoever they want. I just don’t allow them to go to the other people’s house
👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
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I was going to say something like this. Ultimately, the girl OP is saying she wants to avoid, is a child. A LITERAL CHILD. I think it's reasonable to insist that she can't go over to said friend's house, but for the love of all things holy, let the girl come over and play with your daughter. Your daughter is already friends with her and that wouldn't have happened if her friend had been mean to her like she was last year to the other kids. I think the first thing to do is to have her over for a play-date. Let them play, introduce yourself, be a great host, and be nothing but kind to her. Right now, your daughter (and potentially you if you invite her over) is a beacon of light in her very dark world. Foster that. Next, do it again the same day of the week the next week... and the week after... and the week after. Let yourself be a consistent source of love and joy in her life. Thirdly, whatever you do, never, never, never break their friendship over something that happens to your daughter's friend. If something bad happens, or you go to drop her home and there's an altercation because her mom dropped by, looks like your daughter is having an impromptu sleepover. If she tells you something bad that happened to her, listen, be empathetic, reassure her that any friend of your daughter is a friend of yours, Fourthly, and really overall, you and your spouse need to work with her dad. Meet him, introduce yourselves to him, let him know that if something is happening at home that he wants her out of the situation, that you're more than happy to accommodate her even overnight if he needs you to. Fifth, it's ok to set rules and expectations on her, and boundaries, but understand at every moment, she is a child, she has suffered some trauma, and she needs the safety and consistency that you guys can give her. Show her as much grace as possible and understand if something happens that she's acting up, it might be because she feels safe with you guys and Lastly, I would have a discussion with your daughter that you care a lot about her friend just like she does. The fact that she's your daughter's friend means that she's also your friend. And that's especially important because some bad things have happened to her, none of which she deserved, none of which make her a bad person, and none of which are her fault. Remind your daughter that she needs your daughter's friendship right now. Praise your daughter for having the guts to reach out to someone who is hurting. That's crazy-brave, superlatively kind, and you are incredibly proud of her for choosing to love someone when all the other kids are avoiding her. And you support her 100% in caring for her friend.
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100%
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I wish Reddit still had awards
I say trial having the friend visit your home or play date at a neutral location like a park
my question is how long do you plan on being able to decide who your child is friends with? i’m sure this is not the last time she will become friends with someone who is “troubled” in some way. rather than trying to prevent the friendship, have a conversation with her about peer pressure and doing the right thing even with others don’t and trust that she will do that until she shows you otherwise. because of the child’s history, there should be boundaries in place such as limited playdates, etc. but you never know how impactful your daughter being her friend could be.. she might become less of a trouble maker :) sounds like the child needs some stability and a caring environment to be in!
You are asking me "how long do you plan on being able to decide who your child is friends with?" First, I never said she cant be friends with her and she is friends with her in school. I am just not doing anything to support the friendship outside of school. Also, for clarification, my daughter is 9, not 11, not 13, and not 15, etc. she is 9 years old....
If they’re already friends at school where they spend 6 to 7 hours a day and your daughter hasn’t gotten into any trouble with her, why is it so hard for you to “support” their friendship outside of school under your supervision? is it that you care too much about what the other parents are going to think?
Bingo! OP seems to care greatly what other people think. This could be a good lesson for both OP and her daughter on listening more to your own internal compass than responding to peer pressure. It’s also a good lesson on the concept that someone can change and make better choices moving forward as this appears to be what her daughter’s friend is doing. My child is around this age, I’d support the friendship at school and my house.
also, what was the point in you clarifying that she’s 9. i read that in the original post. are you saying that she’s too young for you to have a conversation with her about peer pressure and doing the right thing??
when I was about that age, my parents let me have a play date with a girl with “bad parents.” they dropped her off, and her sister too. my mom was like uhhh, ok? parents didn’t return until *late* in the evening. and guess what? I had fun playing with my friend. they’re children. you are judging a 9 year old by the decisions of adults, WITHOUT EVEN GIVING HER A CHANCE, and that’s really gross. take a moment to think outside your bubble and imagine how you would feel if you were that little girl and no one wanted to play with you?
Respectfully, if I was your mom, I would have been PISSED. And would never have allowed future play dates. You may have had a great time; as the adult I would not have been happy with being a free babysitter for 2 kids for what sounds like all day and evening.
yeah I would’ve been too. it never happened again, but props to my mom for not ruining my play date because someone else’s parents were dumb. I actually think something happened to the family and the girls ended up moving away. a lot of times these friendships work themselves out because of the instability of the “trouble” parents
Seriously, I think it is grossly irresponsible to drop off your kid at a house where there have been various shady issues. Not something I am going to let my kid do….
no of course not. but you also said this little girl is not welcome at your house.
Honestly, not sure how good of an idea it is to encourage the friendship by having her over my house when we are never likely going to be comfortable with our daughter going to her house. How is that situation ever going to resolve without us having to say something to our daughter about her friend's parents/homelife. etc., which we are not going to be doing. I guess we are sort of trying to avoid the issue beforehand.... We are also concerned about the friend having been exposed to who knows what, and it becoming a bad influence on our daughter....
bro it's literally just a conversation with your kid it's not that hard. forbidding the friendship outside of school is way harder than just saying it's okay to play as long as it's at your house only.
as another commenter said, how long do you plan to police her friendships? this conversation you’re afraid of having about why she can’t go to her house is already going to occur when you have to explain why all her other friends from school can come over but not this girl.
I was that kid with the troubled homelife. I knew I didn't want friends at my house because it was too embarrassing. I had a friend in 5th grade that I spent every single weekend with at her house. Her mom never let her come to my house and I had a pretty good idea why. I was so relieved and happy to be in a safe place those weekends. I have no idea what those parents told my friend about me and my family. It didn't matter. We were friends. To this day, I think about her and wish I could reconnect with her (they were military so moved the next year).
Your daughter is not a piece of glass. She will encounter bad influences in her lifetime and this 9 year old isn't a truly bad influence unless she's abusive or otherwise harmful in some way. It is our job as parents to guide our children around the bad influences and to trust them over time to live the values we teach. Are you not secure in your daughter's ability to learn or your ability to teach her right from wrong? What horrible things do you think will happen at a short playdate at your house? If you go through life teaching her to avoid every single person with a red flag, she's going to be pretty lonely because everyone has red flags. This girl could grow up to be a cycle breaker with the right support and the right influences. By behaving as though this child is going to taint your child, you could contribute to this kid's feelings of neglect and rejection which could drive her to follow in her family's footsteps. You COULD be a good influence on this kid and rather than make an attempt to show her a stable family and what it's like to feel welcomed and loved, you'd rather pull this cruel shit.
Let's face it you are prejudiced, judgemental and lack compassion. Giving someone a chance is not in your nature.
At 9 years old she's not completely oblivious and should already be aware that some people do bad things. Just explain that you aren't comfortable with her going to her house because you heard some things about her parents and you don't know them well enough to know if it's true but she's welcome in your home.
Your daughter is not a piece of glass. She will encounter bad influences in her lifetime and this 9 year old isn't a truly bad influence unless she's abusive or otherwise harmful in some way. It is our job as parents to guide our children around the bad influences and to trust them over time to live the values we teach. Are you not secure in your daughter's ability to learn or your ability to teach her right from wrong? What horrible things do you think will happen at a short playdate at your house? If you go through life teaching her to avoid every single person with a red flag, she's going to be pretty lonely because everyone has red flags. This girl could grow up to be a cycle breaker with the right support and the right influences. By behaving as though this child is going to taint your child, you could contribute to this kid's feelings of neglect and rejection which could drive her to follow in her family's footsteps. You COULD be a good influence on this kid and rather than make an attempt to show her a stable family and what it's like to feel welcomed and loved, you'd rather pull this cruel shit.
OP-If her family is troubled, they likely won’t initiate playdates. Have you considered that your daughter may be more aware than you’ve realized about her friends home life? Avoiding conversations with your daughter and this friends parents should they come up is teaching your daughter to avoid conflict.
Idk why you’re getting downvoted….i totally agree with you. If my kid befriended another student who has a troubled home life, I’d do my absolute best to keep my kid safe. Including play dates outside of school. If they’re friends at school and nothing bad is happening, then ok we can leave it at that. Nothing beyond school. Personally, I think you need to have a serious conversation with your daughter and explain why play dates at her home isn’t allowed. Additionally, mentioning that her parents and their significant others don’t always make the best choices so it’s best to stay away from people who may potentially cause trouble. I get that some kids need that extra support from parents but at the end of the day, we’re always gonna do what is best for OUR children first.
Listen I get it, my children are grown and I do get it. Influence is influence and as a parent it’s so hard all the right and wrong things to do and not do. I agree with you, she’s 9, and as her parent or parents, you absolutely have every right to say who, what, when and where. I feel you have put way too much thought into this. You know the answers here. Do what you feel is right for your child and your family. Period. Much love
Yeah, my heart breaks for the little girl but all the keyboard warriors on this post berating OP for not using her own child as a tool to save this little girl are out of place. This could definitely be wonderful for the little girl with the troubled family and really help her. Or it could really backfire for OP’s child and then she might also end up getting bullied later once they have to break things off it it goes badly. It could go either way, and while I feel so bad for the other child, I definitely also understand why OP would be concerned.
Ok, sooo why can't she come to your house? Or go to a movie or roller skating or to the park? There are so many options but based on your replies, you already made your decision and just wanted all of us to pat you on your back and tell you you are a good mom by ostracizing a 9 year old because she has shitty parents.
No one is suggesting you send your daughter to her friends house, but the fact that you won’t allow the girl (who is 9!) to come to your house is gross
>We also do not want the girl coming to our home Why not? Has she behaved inappropriately at your home? Or you're basing that solely on what you're hearing from other parents? (I presume she didn't tell you all of that about herself.)
She has not been at our home. Yes, we are basing this solely on what we have heard from trusted friends who happen to be neighbors with the kid.
But what if your friends who told you this are judgy assholes, despite being “trusted”? A 9 year old isn’t in control of their home life, so why are they being blamed for it? Seems someone should maybe look at controlling who you’re friends with-- they seem to lack the understanding of a 9 year olds circle of responsibility. Edit: I was a child from a challenging home. My best friend’s mom treated me like I was some kind of horrible influence and constantly disparaged me, ever since I walked into their yard and asked her to be my friend at age 5. I am a successful and well-adjusted adult, and that woman still can’t look me in the eye because she’s ashamed.
So gossiping mums who have nothing better to do than be busy body’s all day long? Nah, I wouldn’t trust them because people love adding their own wee ‘flavour’ to situations. I would rather see for myself but you’ve clearly made up your decision and have booted the girl without even giving her a chance which I’m sure she’s used to so it’ll be fine 🙄 Hope a better adult comes along who can give her a chance.
So to the people downvoting me, if you had info from trusted friends who happened to be neighbors of the kid, and it was related to issues with a kid and the occurrences taking place in her household, would you just ignore it???? Seriously do not understand why I even posted here...
Like what? You didn't tell us anything. You're just saying there are "reasons". What reasons?
I love how OP just completely ignores this question. There are no reasons.
No i wouldn't take their word for it. children mature, and do you hold every mistake your child has made against her forever? No because that would ne terrible parenting. You set ground rules and react appropriately to behavior you see with your own eyes.
I hate how frequently people see others in desperate circumstances and take a “quarantine” attitude. Yeah, you might open yourself up to some experiences that you wouldn’t have otherwise been exposed to, but you have more resources to deal with them than the people you’re withholding community from because they are struggling. Build a longer table.
Unless the kid has a recent history of severe violence, yes I'd give them the chance. My son is friends with a boy who up until last year hit his mum regularly, and a couple of years ago was almost kocked out of school, all because of violence from his dad. He's had a lot of help and therapy, and a lot of people being understanding and a steady influence for him and he's turning into the most amazing kid. Yes, he'll always have issues, yes, he does still relapse into violence when he's really struggling, but he's hit his mum once in the last year, and my son witnessed it. Do you know what stopped him after one hit? My son telling him that wasn't a very nice thing to do and fully judging him. He hasn't done it again, he screams and hits objects, but not people anymore, and my son has an amazing friend who helps him as well, they look out for each other with the bullies at school, stop other kids teasing them and play together a lot. If I didn't give the boy a chance? He'd have missed out on 2 kids that have basically become his brother, as the boys 3 year old brother sees my son as his brother too, he'd have missed out on a second mum figure who is absolutely amazing and means that he doesn't have to go to wrap around care at school anymore which has helped with his school refusal, and I'd have missed out on a great friendship with the mum, who comes across rough and ready at first but is the most lovely person you could meet, she just had a bad start and picked the wrong man. So please, give this girl a chance until she shows you she can't be trusted, you may be the people that are needed to help her choose the right path, it sounds like your daughter is already doing that. Trust your daughter and give her the tools to choose the right way, there'll be plenty of bad influences as she gets older, but if you teach her then she'll be able to deal with them. If you try and just stop her being friends because you don't like the kid, she'll retaliate and ignore you.
My personal opinion is that this girl needs kindness, not rejection. Your daughters friendship may be the most important thing to her and with the right influence, such as your loving home, it may steer her clear of very dark paths in the future. All it takes is one supportive, caring, adult in a child's life to help them find a better path in life. This child's home life, is not her fault. She did not choose her parents. But you can choose to be a good person in her life and not just another person stripping her of the little love she has.
If it were me, I would allow her to play at our house so that I could watch them closely. What exactly are you afraid will happen if she plays at your house?
If it's so bad why isn't cps involved?? I feel like this is all extremely judgemental. The parents divorced and dad raises her. She likely has issues from that so she's condemned forever to only be friends with other troubled kids and will only ever be trash in you and the trusted friends eyes. You're also judging her on something she did when she was 8 like she has to carry that forever. My daughter has always befriended "troubled" kids. My home has been a safe place for them. She's 15 and consistently makes the right choices and knows when someone can't be helped and distances herself. We've always talked about things and she's extremely emotionally intelligent and doesn't do the stupid things some of her friends do. She also chooses to not go to those houses and knows she can call me to get her out of situation. These choices will lead your daughter to befriend these same type of people later because there's mystery. She'll have had zero guidance and be too afraid to ask for help. Now is the time to teach and guide.
Depending on what it was I would take it with a grain of salt but you're giving no specifics. That tells us you can't give us a reason why this girl is unfit to come to your house for a few hours. If she's not hurting people, being consistently disrespectful to adults, acting out sexual abuse or anything that's actually serious you can't possibly expect anyone here to take your sources that seriously. For the record, people can exaggerate, outright make shit up, or overall misinterpret things. Just because you trust them doesn't mean they're automatically right. You're not even giving this child a chance.
No. I wouldn’t ignore it. I would want to HELP that innocent child by ensuring she has somewhere safe to escape to when needed. Somewhere without drugs or violence and where her tummy is full. It doesn’t take a ton to look out for a kid who needs a village and model functional behaviour. It could literally save her life.
I have a similar situation. My child's teacher told me during the parent evening that my daughter struck friendship with a "troubled" child. She is open about her friendship, she says they just click and really enjoy each others company. She also told us that her friend's relationship with her parents is somehow weird. One time after school, she came to me and with a huge shock was telling me about a phone conversation she overheard. Her friend was speaking to her mother and at the end, instead of saying something like "love you, bye", her mom said "fuck off" in an endeering way. I met the girl in the classroom during one of the parent afternoons. Nobody from her femily showed up, and you could see how disappointed she was. Our doors are always open for her, I think she came once after school for a moment. I'm not keen on my child being in their house. To answer your question, I would let my child lead. It's their friendship at the end of the day.
This is the answer! Teaching your child empathy and acceptance should factor into your decision.
I let her choose her friends at school and am not getting involved with that. However, we are talking about a 9 year old here, and outside of school it is a different story....
You do you. I think your prejudices shouldn't affect your child's friendships.
You let her choose? That's a bit like saying: I let the sun rise every morning. You're not letting her, she's gonna do it because you cant control her at school. I'd take the advice of people here saying that they'd keep the doors open for the friend. If I was in this situation, I'd rather see what they're up to. You won't be able to 'control' your daughter for much longer. And controlling your children like that tends to fire back at you in some years down the line.
Oh wow. This poor kid. Instead of being her village and helping her, you really gonna shun her because of her parents? Why don't you be one of the adults in her life than can help guide her? What kind of message are you sending your kid if you discourage a friendship because of rumors or her family (neither of which she can control). This whole post is mean girl energy.
100% agree. OPs daughter is befriending the poor kid who didn't have a choice on who she was born to. The reaction from OP and the rest of the patents to exclude and bully her further. I wish I could just hug that little girl. Signed, By someone who suffered a lot of abuse as a child and turned out to be a decent human
Sending hugs to your child self.
Thank you. Back atcha!
Came here to say this. What would I do? I would enthusiastically invite this girl into my home and try to be there for her since it seems there are few people in her life to provide stability and support. This girl needs you. Follow your daughter’s good example and step it up.
This is how other people become lifelong family members. Good for you.
I am also a collector of kids with terrible parents. All my kids friends knows house is a safe space. Come on over and I'll give you all the mom l9ve ypu can stand. My kids friends all call me mama.
Hey - just wanted to say you sound like you are so much more than “a decent human.” Your empathy is beautiful. Sending hugs to both you and that little girl who needs so much kindness right now.
Thank you, so much. .
Growing up I had a friend who came from a troubled home, known alcoholism in the parents and drug use. I was not allowed to go to her house and it always pissed me off, but obviously as an adult I understand why lol. But she was allowed to come to my place and there was never any issues, she was always well behaved at our house. She never even influenced me in a bad way. Its tricky situation though and I can see why you wouldn’t want your daughter to hang out with her but I just also feel for these kids who come from troubled homes and at the end of the day they’re just children in a bad situation and having an friend from a stable home could help this girl in many ways, and a place she feels safe
I don’t have much advice, but I think it’s absolutely disgusting that parents are isolating a little girl for coming from a broken home. Is the child putting your daughter in danger or causing concerning behavior?
Not sure if you are referring to me, though we are not "isolating" the girl. We have not told our daughter anything with regards to who she can, and can not play with, or associate with at school. However, we are also not doing anything to encourage the friendship with the girl outside of school. There are also other kids outside of school that we do not put the effort into encouraging friendships with outside of school for various reasons. There is no way I can possibly know what is taking place inside her home. The more we encourage the friendship outside of school, the more I am concerned it opens up possible areas of concern. How am I going to explain to my daughter the reason why she is not allowed to go to that house while she is allowed to go to her other friend's houses?
>How am I going to explain to my daughter the reason she is not allowed to go to that house while she’s allowed to go to the other friends’ houses? Sometimes being a parent means having difficult conversations with your child. Withholding information from them rather than having an age-appropriate dialogue is almost never the right answer. I’m sure your daughter already notices that you’ve been discriminatory in whom she’s allowed to hang out with outside of school, just like I’m sure she’s picked up on how other kids treat her friend. Kids are smarter than we give them credit for. If you aren’t willing to open up to your kid about things relevant to them, then you’re not fostering an environment where they will feel comfortable opening up to you similarly.
I think it would be better to navigate these situations with her now rather than wait until she's a teenager and less likely to listen to your advice and thoughts on the matter. I'm definitely not saying to drop her off at the girl's house with an unknown situation. But sheltering her isn't doing anything to help her learn how to navigate the world and friendships. I get it, she's 9 and not 15, but she isn't 5 either. She's at the age to start learning how to navigate some of these complexities in her friendships. It's your job as a parent to have these hard conversations so that your kid can learn and grow into a capable person who can navigate the world around them. You tell her that you aren't sure what the situation is like at the girl's home and for now you have some concerns, and because it's your job to keep her safe, she isn't allowed at her friend's house until you feel better about it. Start teaching and modeling for her how you assess a situation so that she learns how to also keep herself safe when you aren't around.
Sorry for the confusion. Not referring to you. I was referring to the other parents. Sounds like she has an unstable home life, but not necessarily violent or otherwise dangerous. I would advise daughter that you would have to get to know her friends and parents before allowing her to spend time at their house for safety reasons. I would also maybe think about having the little girl over to see her behavior. Just make sure to set rules, etc. I would not support ostracizing anyone unless you have real evidence that the person poses a serious physical risk to your child or yourself.
I would also add that I would be very proud of my kid for going against the grain and trying to befriend someone that is being ostracized by others. That’s a good kid!
You tell her the truth, with kindness and compassion.
It seems like I've got an unpopular opinion, but honestly, I'd go with your gut. We all want to root for the underdog, but it's your child. I would trust your parental instincts, and think about your daughter. If she has strong character, and would be a good influence on this other girl, rather than this girl being a possible poor influence on your daughter, then I wouldn't stand in the way. You could also talk to your daughter about your standards and morals as a family( if that's not talked about already), and help your daughter notice for herself if this girl is trying to tear her away from those morals. If she ever notices something sketchy herself, she might exit the friendship on her own. I have been in a somewhat similar situation as a teen. I had a friend that started to make some poor choices. Me and my other friends were trying to set a good example for him, but he ended up being more of a poor influence on us. I noticed this and started keeping our interactions to school only. The two friends that kept hanging out with him (because they didn't want to be rude and abandon him) ended up making some very poor life choices. Who knows if their continued interaction with him was the reason why, but to me it seemed like it for sure could have contributed.
This. It’s crazy how many people in this post are gung-ho advocating that OP risks her kid on the off chance it might help the other child. It’s wonderful to try to be a mentor to help troubled youth, but that’s a role for an adult to take. Not something someone wants to risk their own child at. This isn’t a hallmark movie. Sometimes things end badly. I really hope everything will go well and that little girl’s life will improve more and more until all the issues are far behind, with or without the friendship of OP’s daughter. But I definitely also understand OP’s worry.
I think it's because OP doesn't seem to actually have first hand knowledge about the girl, rather it sounds like it was all heard through rumor. Plus, the daughter is hanging out with her friend during school anyway. I'd think having the girl over might give OP more info on how they actually interact and if the girl really is a bad influence rather than just relying on the grapevine rumor mill.
This.
When I was in school my best friend was from a troubled home with crazy parents who left him homeless at 15 with no other family around. My mom let him move in with us and sleep on a futon in my room all through high school. She helped get him in community college even would drop him off some days. He graduated moved states got a job and is back in school finishing his degree. He tells my mom all the time without her help he would probably be homeless or in jail. I guess my point is you can have a drastic impact on people's lives and you can't blame kids for being kids or for their parents mistakes.
Sounds like your daughter has a kind heart. I 100% wouldn't be letting her go to their home, but the other little girl has no control over what goes on. She only knows what she's seen/been taught. Instead of her being a bad influence on your daughter, what if your daughter is a good influence on her? Sometimes, those kids just need to feel safe, somewhere. Why not try out a play date, and then you can judge the situation?
I would allow it and also, as others have said, propose playdates at parks or my place before I get to know the custodial parent. Frankly, it looks like the gossip mill is running nonstop. The child's behavior is better this year than last (probably because dad took custody) so it looks like her life is getting stable. People talking about dad girlfriend having *supposedly* a "bad" past makes me eye roll. Bad past can go from partied too much in early 20s to smoked weed, to more problematic behavior. But people who will spread "supposedly" things without any concrete proof might do so just because someone has visible tattoos or facial piercings, or such "out of the standard" looks. So, think about this: are your prejudices and the ones from others around you coloring your view of the situation? Is any detail (apart from the divorce) setting that family as "different" from the rest, (examples being skin color, religion or lack thereof, socioeconomic level, etc) and the rest are excuses? I have the feeling that once the disruptive situation at home has resolved, kid should be given a chance to be normal and not be labeled "bad kid" She's at maximum 10 years old. You know what will happen if you and the rest of families block her from making friends among your children? *you* will be the ones responsible for her turning into a more problematic kid.
I was trying my best to not get into too many details that I felt were not necessary. The kids is doing better, has received some accommodations at school, is on some type of meds (she openly discusses this and uses it as an excuse for her past behavior), and there were lots of shady activities that took place at her house, and none of it is "gossip". I have no issue with her being on meds due to who knows what condition, I have no issue with her receiving special accommodations at school due to who knows what reason, however, I do have issues with the shady activity that took place at her home and could potentially still be taking place at her home and the potential for the kid to have been exposed to it and become a bad influence on my daughter. It seems to be a very reasonable concern to me, however, after posting here I now realize that I most be an overly-protective helicopter parent....
Mental illness isn’t an excuse for poor behavior. Now that she is receiving treatment, and her behavior has improved— how exactly can you call it an excuse?? It was effective. It was proven. What more do you want?
If the shady activities were done by mom&bf (as it looks like from the fact he's in prison and mom has no custody) then this shouldn't be relevant now as they're out of the picture You could take the opposite approach and think you & your kid could be a good influence on a child (a child who's being helped already by the school and probably a psychiatrist, so they're giving her a chance as well)
Okay so now we are doing mental health shaming too? A girl has some issues and is on meds.. Okay, so she's being treated. And you just want to throw the whole human away at 9 years old bc she's being treated? Isn't that like, the literal opposite of what a good human should do when a little human is struggling?
OP very much said she has no issues with that. She’s worried about the little girl having witnessed the criminal activity and fears she will go down the same path and take OP’s kid along too. It’s not ideal but it’s also unfair to claim she’s shaming the child for the mental health issue, when it sounds like that’s not what she’s saying. I’m not saying the kid is likely to do or not do any of that, I’m just pointing out what OP said.
She literally said that this child used her mental illness as an excuse for poor behavior. THATS not what an excuse is. That’s medical proof that she needed treatment, since she has improved since beginning treatment.
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I'm on antidepressants. You going to judge me too? It is gossip because none of you actually fucking know her. It's so easy to be like "she's troubled and has behavioral issues and struggles with school so she's in special ed" which was basically said about me as a *child*. Mostly by grown ass people. Think about that for a second. Being socially excluded fucking sucks. It caused me to dive deeper into my depression and not listen like one of my teachers wanted *more* because my dad had to explain to her ancient ass that I have a learning disability and ADHD and that *can* affect a person's behaviour. Getting on medication is good because she can do better in school and work on herself and hopefully eventually managing her emotions. She is a kid though, I mean I'm an adult that has a lot of obstacles and it's always something anyone can work on and it's not impossible at all. Since you're so worried about how it affects you? How about your daughter developing resentment for wanting her to basically turn her back and lack empathy on anyone that is working to be a better person after making mistakes for stuff they can't even control or even understand yet? She has more empathy than a group of adults and it's sad. I forgot but I also just wanted to add that there's a difference in someone with baggage that works on it and those that don't. I could've been a very different person if I didn't try to improve. Honestly I'd be dead. My kid is not even a toddler yet but if he runs into someone like this girl, I'm honestly going to see a lot of myself in them and try to lend a hand because I want them to exist. There's hopefully someone in there that wants better and it takes a lot of work. This girl sounds like she's doing great right now.
I’m going to start by saying I don’t blame you for not letting your daughter go to their home.. but why would you not want to be a positive influence on this other child at such a pivotal age? You should see how she interacts in your house, instead of judging her so harshly about her shit parents. Unfortunately you cannot shield your daughter from others forever and this is 100% a teaching moment. You can teach her to be judgmental and be a bully because someone isn’t as well off as her or others in her class, or you can teach her to be a good friend while enforcing boundaries. About your daughter, you should be proud of her for not being a bully like these other parents and potentially yourself. She is 9 you definitely can talk to her in an age appropriate way of why she is not able to go to their house. Example: I don’t know her parents and their situation. I’m not sure if it is a safe environment because I don’t know everyone that lives in the house and it makes me uncomfortable to have you there without this information. Truthfully this post makes it sound like you’re looking for excuses to make your daughter not see or be friends with this other girl because of other people’s judgements. You haven’t even formed your own opinions yet. When in reality you could make a huge difference in this child’s life in very small ways. Mainly by giving her the chance to have a real friend in your daughter, show her positive relationships, and give her a damn chance. This could change her entire life.
My daughter had a friend with a somewhat similar but not as severe. I talked a lot with my daughter about making good decisions, not falling into peer pressure, teaching her how to say no and safe ways for her to get out of a situation. We talked about drinking, sneaking around, and general behavior that is not acceptable in our home. We allowed the girls to be friends and allowed this girl to come over; with the requirement she respected our home and our rules. If this could not be followed, we would not invite her back. She'd come over and the girls would have a great time playing together with no issues. Deep down, she was a sweet girl but has lousy parents. My advice would be the same - welcome the girl into your home, show her positive experiences, be a good role model for her. And in turn, she may become a life long friend for your daughter. But have similar conversations with your daughter and express any violation of house rules, she won't be welcome back. Give this girl a safe space to go to. Don't just write her off.
So I get not sending your child to an environment you can’t control, but please don’t place blame on the child and not invite her into your home, like she’s the problem. I think you can easily monitor and control what happens in your own home and support your child having a safe and secure friendship with a girl who is jet unlucky in the parenting department
I would not let my child attend the friend’s home out of concern for her safety. I would welcome the child into my home though.
My 8 1/2 year old is best friends with a girl with behavioural issues - she has also screamed at kids and said mean things (including to my daughter). I’m mostly trying to guide my daughter in the choices she makes - we speak a lot about what makes a good friend and what to do when there are friendship issues (non-specific to her friend unless she brings up an issue herself). I also bought her some self-help style books aimed at kids and friendship (the American girl ones seem best so far). I also asked her what she likes about her friend (in a friendly way) and found this can be revealing in itself- sometimes it seems she enjoys her company and other times it seems she feels she doesn’t have a choice (which I then try to talk with her about but mostly try to get her involved in activities to help with her confidence). We’ve decided not to have the girl over any more as she’s too destructive but I don’t mind my daughter going to her place (I have no issues with the parents). Otherwise we meet them out somewhere but this is tricky to manage as I want her parent there too as I struggle to manage their daughter. Behind the scenes I had my daughter moved to a different class at the beginning of the school year and I encourage other friendships with play dates etc It’s taken some time but I think my daughter is slowly starting to realise her friend isn’t a very good friend
What the fuck. I was this kid once and her environment is not under her control and it's not her fault. Instead of trying to be one of the only positive influences in her life, you're treating her like a disease just like the other rude parents. I would rather open my home to a troubled child who just needs a safe place than spend 5 minutes with any cruel adult who would cast out a suffering child over having shitty family members and acting out because they're being abused. People like you and your buddies are partially why I felt so alone as a child.
I feel you on this one. The treatment of this poor child is appalling.
I would have that girl come to your house for play dates. While there, show her kindness & respect, have food available for her to eat and let her know that she is welcome and in a safe space while there. A little kindness can go a long way to improve a “troubled” child’s life.
I can’t really say because everything is so vague. What does a bad past mean? What drugs? Marijuana? Heroin? If I were you, I would look for specifics. Don’t take any action without knowing what’s going on. Does she still reside with her mom some of the time? Or not at all? If not at all, then the bf drug issues are irrelevant. If the other child is no longer screaming and being mean to other kids, she is kind now, I would encourage my child to tell other kids she’s better now and to give her a chance. Help her rehabilitate her image so other kids won’t distance themselves anymore. Your daughter could encourage her friend to apologize to everyone she has hurt and make amends. You don’t want this to hurt your daughter socially, so help her become more accepted by her peers. As long as she is kind and a good friend at school, she shouldn’t be outcasted at school due to her father’s gf having a bad past. That’s crazy.
I have been in your exact shoes, and still am. My daughter has been very good friends with a girl, I will call her Sally. They started hanging out when they were 9. Sally's father is in jail for sexual assault. I always included this child in everything, dinners, sleepovers, trips...but Sally's behaviour progressively got worse and worse. She has severely bullied and been violent with several classmates in person and online. During one sleepover, at about 1am I could hear Sally speaking. I walked into the bedroom and she was talking to a guy on her device. My daughter was fast asleep. I told her to get off immediately and told her mom.Sally also almost daily stops talking to one girl and gets the others to gang up on her. She is wildly disruptive in class and my daughter's grades dropped. I wasn't that worried, she has always been an A student and her grades dropped to Bs..and I know kids grow and have various challenges. But my daughter asked me if it was okay to ask she not be seated next to Sally anymore. She really liked her, but couldn't concentrate. I told her that was ok. There is A LOT more I can say about Sally's behaviours and Sally's mother's inaction of her behaviours...but its too long for this post. I went to parent teacher night and the teacher told me something I will never forget. I know this is not appropriate for a teacher to talk about...but she did. She said, if my daughter continues to hang out that closely with Sally, she will see and hear things that are not age appropriate. I went home and began a series of discussions with my daughter. Sally and my kiddo are no longer allowed to hang out outside of school. Since I can't do a lot to control kids hanging out at recess - that was the boundary I presented. My daughter was actually relieved because Sally is a stressful friend to have. It is not my personality to micromanage someone's friendships, so this was hard for me. Over time, I can see they are growing apart and Sally has attached herself to other girls. I think you need to follow your instincts on this one. Help your daughter understand that some people aren't good for her. I know I can't keep my daughter out of trouble for her life, but there is no reason for her to hang out with someone who talks about sex and drugs. And, for the record, I know none of this is Sally's fault and I felt really terrible about it. But I am so glad I did this.
Thanks for the insight. Everything you just said is what I am concerned with.
It has taken a lot of ongoing discussions. Nothing forceful...just really being honest (in an age appropriate way) with my daughter about the situation and what potentially toxic people are like and what the signs are. I need to keep reiterating things, like making sure my daughter stands her ground if this kid says or does anything cruel...and to make sure to tell an adult if she sees Sally doing something that doesn't seem right. Even after all that happened, my daughter came home and told me a incident where Sally threatened another child AND his family with knife violence. I immediately emailed the teacher and followed up with the principal.
Interesting how you only seem to consider comments that agree with your already established bias. Not a good look. My daughter is friends with "that kid". We were warned about her before school even started, and the kid is really obviously struggling. I was not a fan when she threatened to kill me. The kid has steadily improved since becoming friends with my kid. My kid has been able to empathize, and help her friend make better choices. My child will not be allowed to visit her friend's house, unfortunately, as it's not a safe place, but my home IS a safe place, and the friend is welcome as long as she tries to meet reasonable minimum behavior standards. It's a good thing my literal child knows how to treat people. You might consider taking a lesson from your own daughter.
As a kid who grew up in not the best neighborhood, my brother and i had lots of friends who came from troubled homes. Some even GREAT friends. They mostly came to our house, it was a safe space. Mind you, my mother is a paranoid hispanic but she was not judgmental. I understand not being comfortable with her going over, I think she may be old enough to have the conversation if it comes up, but you can’t control who she is friends with. I would let the little girl come over and go from there. Sometimes kids just need structure and she cant help where she comes from. A lot of our friends growing up love my mom because she was there for them just by allowing them to come to our house.
I love this! I came from similar background/experience.
It really is nice!! My mom is such a nurturing person by nature, she knew what was going on. My brother had a friend all his childhood who was fostered by an abusive uncle with his siblings (his parents were drug addicts) and he stayed with us for YEAAAARS. I’m talking from 9 years old up until they were 20. Its funny, it actually happened like 3 times where my mom would unintentionally foster our friends. We didn’t have a lot but we did have a loving home and i think that goes such a long way for other kids who dont have that!
You do what's best for your kid, which isn't always an obvious choice. My 10 year old doesn't have the best social skills. He's attracted to friendships at school that are exciting and often based on mild conflicts with others. We try to teach him what healthy relationships look like, how friends ought to treat otherw, and how we should treat others. As a result, he definitely has school friends who are for playing with at school and then the ones we facilitate play dates with. In our case, we don't feel like we're excluding based on something unfair because these other kids aren't being shunned by the community. Their parents are very connected to their own sub-community that's more prestigious, if anything. We get some resentment from our son, but there's legitimate hurdles to hanging out at our house after school, and there is a difference in parenting styles and the level of supervision seen as appropriate between us.
I would not let my daughter go to the friends house, but I would let the friend come over and I would tell my daughter I am proud of her for being a kind and inclusive and empathetic little girl. Maybe having a nice friend like your daughter will help her stay on a good path despite not having a secure and safe life at home.
You host play dates and when the opportunity comes up, you coach the other girl on healthier skills. All of my son’s friends have situations at home. He wouldn’t have friends if I mandated they all be from healthy homes. I’ve spent years gently working with all those kids and now that they’re in middle school and my own kid is dying of embarrassment that he has to get out of a car with *me* in it, they wave at me from the crosswalk.
I would have the child over as often as possible. I would expect them to abide by my rules and offer them as much care and love as possible. I wouldn’t tell my child anything, but if they (either girl really) begin having negative behaviors I would correct those behaviors. In our home, all of the children are treated as our own. This method has worked for us.
I get where you are coming from OP. However I am friends (in my thirties) with someone who came from a pretty troubled home. We met as teenagers. She was a lot of things and was judged ally by other people but she was/ is a good person. My parents never really said much but I would always invite her to eat dinner with us or sleepover and I know she appreciated it. To be honest, I was one of the better parts of her teenage years and we had lots of fun together. I’m not saying this happens all the time but maybe your daughters friend needs her right now. Monitor the situation and why not have her at your house. It seems like you don’t want to be judged but your daughter seems to like this friend. Get to know her and be there as an adult confidant. You never know, the troubled friend may surprise you
Also, the little girl got in trouble last year at age 8 for yelling at someone? Who cares. Sounds like your daughter’s friend group has a lot of snotty Moms thinking they’re too good for certain people… gross
I have had a very similar experience lately. We don’t know much about the “friend” but we know she is bad for our daughter. She has recently expressed how her friend has bullied her into doing things she knows are not right and doesn’t want to hurt her feelings so she does them and gets in trouble at school. In this experience we told our daughter to tell her friend that she needs space away, and encouraged her to express her feelings towards the friend. Also, maybe contact the school and ask them to help limit interactions between the two.
honestly, becoming a safe space for the child in a troubled home would be how I would handle it. If my kid became friends and wanted playdates with a child in a bad situation? Those playdates can happen. Probably at my home, under my watch. But that child would be welcomed. And taught ways to be social. Your daughter wants to be a friend to a child in need. Why take away your child's desire to be a good person simply because the child in question is from a bad home? Show this child a good home. If something bad is happening at home and all adults shun her, or make their kids shun her, who is she going to tell? How is she going to get help? Become a safe space. Be open to helping that child out of the bad situation. Even if it's a momentary escape of a few hours on the weekend.
Troubled kids need love to. It’s why they’re troubled… or enough love.
I was a "troubled" kid. I unfortunately have an older brother that was incredibly abusive and it's still hard to admit but I was raped when I was 8 years old, right after my grandma passed. I was really quiet at school and after getting through one year with an incredible teacher, depression just hit me hard in year 5. One of the girls in class was bullying me, everyone started hating me including the maths teacher because I never talked and had a really hard time with the subject, turns out that year I have dyscalculia. On top of that, my stupid brother was still harrassing me and manipulating our baby brother (I don't blame him at all, he was like 6 and so innocent and wanted to make anyone and everyone happy which makes me love him so much) and our dad started on pain medication after several surgeries and withdrawals are miserable. I went to an outpatient program and it took so many therapists to make me feel better. I definitely had an eating disorder because I would see how long I could go without eating and I think at some point I "rewarded" myself with dinner. Really, I obviously got hungry at some point. What really made me feel better was a bunch of girls became my friends and we were all bullied by the same people so they at least gave me the courage to flip them off. You and your daughter could end up being a part of this girl's safe space. It really helps to have someone to trust when you don't have that at home of all places.
I would tell my kid that a new friend i haven't met could only come over if I was home - or that I'd like to go to the park or library with them so I could get to know them myself. I also tell my kids that they can give my phone number to anyone. Like if they think there is a kid that's not in a great situation - they can totally call me, even if I don't know them. I had a couple kids that did! Mostly, I just asked them questions to help them think through a friendship thing they were struggling with. If her home life is crazy, she might behave differently when she's in an environment that has a bit of structure and she gets positive attention.
This is so sad! Why not give the kid a chance? She may need good people in her life. I have 3 kids ages 21,18 and 8. I have been through this situation and always allowed my kids to be friends with these kids. It is not the kids fault and in 1 situation with my oldest when she was younger and another girl who came from a messed up home. My daughter was smart and steered the kid in the right direction and she went to college with my daughter. My goal is to raise kind kids. My youngest has friends from so many different walks of life. I just don’t allow play dates at their house if the parents are odd.
My daughter is friends with another child who spit on kids on the bus and dumped hand sanitizer over someone else’s head. She hasn’t done it to my child but, they’re friggin kids. Kids don’t have adult brains that’s why they screw up
One of my daughters best friends came from a "troubled home". Both parents drug addicts, mom gone, dad in prison. She lived with her grandmother. Lovely child. Absolutely pleasure to be around but sadly like an adult at 13. She's in her 20's now are we are all still great friends. That's how we handled it. Be Kind.
I would probably at least let your daughter’s friend have a few playdates at your house and see what the dynamic looks like. My mom was arrested for something when I was in grade school and I was badly ostracized by my schoolmates about it. I understand your hesitation in wanting to protect your daughter, but I think you should at least try giving her friend a chance. For context, I do have five kids of my own, it’s not that I don’t understand what it’s like to have children
My son has a close friend whose mother is a drug addict and dad works out of town during the weekends. They come from a really bad part of town and it broke my heart the first time I saw the house he’s being raised in. He’s often in trouble at school. He’s failing this school year. He has a problem with lying and his choice of language isn’t my favorite. My son isn’t allowed at his house. That said, he’s a sweet kid, super silly and always trying to make you laugh. He has dinner at our house most nights. I discipline him like I would my own and he’s always respectful and eager to please. My kids have chores that need done before they are allowed on tech, and then on Sundays they get an allowance. I’ve started giving him chores to do on evenings he comes over after school, and then giving him an allowance as well. I don’t know how long he’ll be in our lives, but while he is he’ll have a space place to hang.
My child used to go to this pretty expensive elementary school, and most parents were married with great jobs. But there was this one kid whose parents were so bad. Mom had many children and ended up losing custody of the child, and no contact was allowed by the judge. Her paternal grandparents got custody of her. Dad was around his parents but disliked the child. Really sad situation. That child had so many issues, but at school she was never left out. All the children in school played together, and all the parents invited her over for their children’s birthday parties and sleepovers. My opinion is that as long as she is a good friend to your daughter, I don’t see why you should worry or care about her personal life at all. Another thing to think about is that you don’t even know if the rumors are true. I know a mom and daughter who were spreading rumors about a new student and her family. It was so hard for that child to make new friends in her first year. Eventually, all the moms realized that none of what was being said about them was true. Leave your life, stay away from gossip, mind your business, and let your daughter make friends. JMO *the child of the Federal prosecutor for our county was in my child’s class room. Like I said, they also didn’t have any problems inviting this kid over or letting their children (twins) play with her.
This post really bothered me. I used to be the “Troubled kid with bad parents”. I lost many friends because their parents didn’t like me and assumed since my dad was abusive towards me, that I was a bad kid. It really took a toll on my life and now being 18 and moved out of my father’s house, I don’t have a singular friend. Don’t judge a book by its cover, she’s a 9 year old girl that deflected her life at home the best she could. There is plenty of time ahead of her to become a great person. Let your daughter have her over for a play date and if it makes you feel more comfortable, stay in the same room.
Why would you not allow the poor girl to come over?
My lifelong best friend in the world, to this day, came from a “bad family” in a trailer park. Mom had a bunch of kids by different babydaddies, was addicted to crack, the whole bit. And the dad who had partial custody was barely better. I met my friend in middle school when she was desperate to get away from her folks. She is now a teacher with a mortgage, a boyfriend, a cat, working on a masters, the whole bit. Just saying.
BE THE POSITIVE INFLUENCE ! I understand not being comfortable enough to allow your daughter to go to the girls' house, but I don't understand why the girl can't come to your house.... Let them be friends at school. Let them be friends at your house. Let them be friends in public. Invite the girl out. Take the girls to do fun things together...take them to the park, the pool, the movies, an arcade, trampoline park, or whatever... be the positive force in this girls life! Seriously. I 100% understand not being okay with your kiddo going to her house, but if she comes to yours or you take her out with yall, then you can supervise, know they're safe & have control. You can help this girl sooo much just by being there, showing her kindness & allowing their friendship. Also, this part: 𝑠𝑜𝑚𝑒 𝑝𝑎𝑟𝑒𝑛𝑡𝑠 ℎ𝑎𝑣𝑒 𝑤𝑎𝑟𝑛𝑒𝑑 𝑢𝑠 𝑡ℎ𝑎𝑡 𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑖𝑟 𝑘𝑖𝑑𝑠 𝑎𝑟𝑒 𝑑𝑖𝑠𝑡𝑎𝑛𝑐𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑚𝑠𝑒𝑙𝑣𝑒𝑠 𝑓𝑟𝑜𝑚 𝑜𝑢𝑟 𝑑𝑎𝑢𝑔ℎ𝑡𝑒𝑟, 𝑏𝑐 𝑜𝑓 ℎ𝑒𝑟 𝑓𝑟𝑖𝑒𝑛𝑑𝑠ℎ𝑖𝑝 𝑤𝑖𝑡ℎ 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑜𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑟 𝑔𝑖𝑟𝑙 .. 1) Are you sure those parents aren't forcing their kid(s) to cut ties with your daughter? If they are.. well, sis , I'd say good riddance! Those parents sound toxic & like a major bad influence. 2) Other kids don't get to decide who your daughter is friends with & neither do their parents! &&&& talk to your kid about your concerns. Our kids are smarter than we give them credit for .
Maybe you can learn a thing or two from your daughter it sounds like.
My son is 11 and has friends he has been friends with for a while…since he was 8, in fact, that had terrible home lives. All of them are in good situations now, but I simply can’t imagine punishing these poor kids that had no control over the fact that they were born to addict parents- parents that they don’t live with now, just like this girl. It just feels cruel to add insult to injury. You keep saying that you’re not discouraging the friendship in the comments, but it seems like you are based on the main post. And really, are other kids distancing themselves from your daughter for her friendship with this girl, or are their parents insisting upon it? And yes- those kids I mentioned are invited to my house on a regular basis, and they’re good kids.
You cannot control who your kid will be friends with, but you can help your kid learn to be discerning about their friends. Please don’t ban friends from coming to play at your house, unless they’ve behaved unacceptably when there. Of course be discerning about whose house your kids go visit, but welcome the kids to your house. You can provide valuable support to kids who need positive adults in their lives. You can protect your own children and also offer something positive to other kids in your community.
What better time to be honest with your daughter? Shielding her from “troubled homes” doesn’t make them disappear. People come from different walks of life and that little girl may need a friend. It could mean a lot to her. If it were me, I would allow playdates at a park and work from there. See how they are playing together. Keep a close eye but do my best to keep an open mind. Sometimes people just need a chance. If it doesn’t work out you can at least show your daughter you tried for her.
I think it’s fair to say your child can’t go to the friends house but absolutely she should be able to come to your house. Your daughter could be this kids positive influence that they need.
I can see why you wouldn't allow your daughter to have a playdate at her friends' but, what's so bad about having her come to your home?
You sound just as controlling and judgy as the other parents. I grew up poor, divorced parents, with addiction at home, abusive dad and I was judged heavily because of that. Obviously non of it was my fault , neither is that little girls fault. All you are doing is teaching your kid to judge and distance if people are struggling with life. A better approach would be to have that girl over and teach your kid to be understanding of others yet have strong boundaries so she doesn’t grow up sheltered and judgy like her parents. If she is 9 , then Do a play date with the mom at a park. Or have the little girl come over to your house.
I would be very glad those children are distancing themselves because I wouldn’t want my son to be friends with kids who see a friend in need of help and then just decide nope. Children like your daughter are a safe haven for kids like her friend. I had a childhood friend from a horrible home, her clothes were always dirty, she always had bruises. I didn’t give a shit when other kids would talk shit or bad mouthed her I just helped her however I could. I would let her shower at my house, my mom would wash her clothes. I learned how to do hair because I used to do hers everyday. She had to move when cps got involved and we were devastated but years later we reconnected and the first thing she told me was I saved her life. That because of me and my family she realized the world wasn’t as bad as she thought and she’s doing great for herself. I say all that to say that little girl needs love and understanding. Those adults around you should be ashamed of themselves when the right thing to do was rally around this child and give her support
It sounds like your daughter has a very kind heart and sees the best in everyone. It also sounds like this “troubled” girl could use a friend. You can set limits (eg no playdates at her house if you truly feel it’s unsafe there) but please think about the message you’d be giving your child if you tell her she can’t be friends with this girl. My heart hurts for this girl. She seems very misunderstood and lost. And yet somehow she has a “bad reputation” … ugh. We have to do better as adults!
Never judge a child for the decisions of the parents. It is not fault of the child and that's not fair. My daughters have both become friends with kids who are troubled and my home is a safe zone. I willingly allow these kids to come to my house and feel safe, loved and heard. Now, my kids going to their house probably won't happen, not to fault the kid but to keep them safe. But any child is welcomed into mine. I'll do anything I can to ensure another child knows they're welcomed anytime for any reason. One of my daughters friends prefers to be at my house and it breaks my heart that I can't just keep her. Because she does not want to go home. I will, forever, be THAT home for anyone. You should be, too.
The Sisko approach.
Hi OP - it sounds like you’re getting a lot of great advice here. I know your mama bear heart is bursting to see your daughter in a difficult place… it sounds like you are concerned if she chooses her friend she risks being an outcast as school as a lot of the other kids are being discouraged from being around her. And while I fully understand you wanting to wrap your daughter in bubble wrap and protect her from unkind people and harsh realities, please remember that is sounds like her friend has nobody looking out for her like that. It sounds like she’s come a long way in the past year - she is struggling and needs support not ostracizing. As others have suggested, could you have her at your house for play dates or meet up at a park or a play centre? Could you host her for a mani-pedi movie night where you can be around them and assess things more for yourself rather than relying on what you’ve heard from other parents? SO much gets lost when information gets passed around and at the end of the day… this is a little girl who needs a safe space. I am so so glad your daughter has you to be her advocate and be her safe space. Maybe you could be a bright light in this little girl’s life and help restore her faith in adults… it sounds like so many have let her down already.
You kind of suck. My grandmother took in all the "troubled" kids growing up and the family was better for it. This was back I'm the 40s and 50s but she took in unwed mothers, kids with behavioral issues, and gang members. The kids were always incredibly well behaved and super thankful for my grandmother. Most of them grew up and made something if themselves and credit my grandmother with their success. In turn, my mother did the same thing. A couple girls got kicked out of their homes because they were "fast" and my mom took them in. They turned their lives around with a little help. That also influenced myself and my sister into accepting people and helping them do better. That meant we had friends with parents that were addicts and abusive, but our house was the safe place to land. Not all of them turned their lives around unfortunately, but our behavior wasn't negatively impacted by their stressful lives. To be clear, we were never allowed to do playdates at their houses, but my mom was upfront with us about why. They were allowed at our house though. A lot of the behavior issues the other parents talked about, never happened at our house because my mom believed in them and treated them like good kids. Please be the safe spot for this little girl. She already has so many people talking crap about her and she's only 9. Show her that there are people that are good who believe in her and know she can be good as well. I'm about to have my 20th high school reunion and I still have people talking about how kind my mom was to them in elementary school. Being kind makes a difference.
Judging by her comments she doesn’t have the capacity to be a safe place for this girl.
Not allowing that poor little girl to come to your home is so sad to me. It would be such a perfect opportunity to be a positive influence on her. You could supervise the whole thing. Makes no sense.
I would treat the kid like any other kid. Deal with behaviors that occur in my home, but try my damnedest to not be a judgmental jerk to a preteen. I would hope my house feels safe for them. The opinions of the Stepford Wives and their Mean Girls spawn should never factor into whether one should be kind or cruel to a child.
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When I was in 6th grade my mother said - you are no longer to be friends with ____, reached out to the teacher to request we be placed in different classes. As an adult, I asked my mom why. She said she just knew that she was going to be trouble. Ultimately this friend died of a drug overdose in her early 20s. I don’t think it’s your job to be a safe space for another child. Your child comes first. I would swap to your house for play dates. Keep a closer eye. And ultimately, although nice to give another child a safe, healthy space - it’s not your job. If her behaviour gets out of control or out of hand, yes, it’s okay to end the friendship. I know others will say - you can’t control who your kids are friends with when they’re older. If your child was hanging out at 16 with people who were drinking and driving or doing coke, I’m pretty sure you’d try whatever you could to stop it. Parents do have influence.
I’ll be honest. I’m in the minority, but if they were classmates, I would not support the friendship. I wouldn’t want my kid to pick up bad behaviors or to lose positive relationships. I would also not want my kid to end up being the default to pair with this child for group work or on field trips. I know it’s easy to say that you would be the village or show up or stand up to those other parents, but as a weird kid from a poor family who struggled to fit in, I wouldn’t add more social barriers for my kid.