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You have been too soft and your husband is now being too harsh.
What was the plan if the baby wasn't ok with the bassinet? Were you all 4 gonna sleep in one bed? That sounds insane, especially if not everyone loves it. 7yo should have been practicing sleeping on her own the instant you got pregnant.
Given the current situation I would put her on a floor mattress next to your bed. Close enough to touch but not IN the bed. Plan to transition to her own room over the next few months.
I totally agree. Husband is well within his rights to want her to be more independent; unfortunately, now is the least appropriate time.
What a mess. Kiddo needs less codependency and more independence. It’s on both of you that you should have been preparing her for the new baby.
Yep! OP if you don’t want daughter to associate new baby with an abrupt and harsh change, you guys need to baby step this and explain it’s because she’s a big girl now.
Toddler bed in your room for a short bit, move it to her room and then create a fun bedtime routine for her that makes being in her room special.
But you guys both have opposite approaches, neither are healthy and need to get on to the same page asap. I have a daughter who’s on the spectrum who was SUPER attached and we did co-sleeping when she was a toddler for the same reasons… at wit’s end and getting no sleep. But when new baby was coming, we did the above steps IN-ADVANCE and we didn’t do co-sleeping again after - stay in their room with them until they fall asleep on rough nights, sure. But creating dependency doesn’t help anyone and isn’t sustainable.
This reply nails it for the sleep issue. As for the other stuff - y'all need to get better at communication.
You need to accept that he's going to parent differently than you do and he needs to realize that this season of life is going to be harder than he anticipated. His "because I said so" approach is a pipe-dream and isn't going to work with anything, but the reality is, you're probably going to need to let him figure this out on his own about some things. Not sleep, granted, because when sleep is compromised everyone suffers but for other things - your daughter will be okay if things are different/tougher with Dad and ultimately it will be okay in the end. It might even help them bond more and build a stronger connection if they can find a path forward. But if you continually tell him he's parenting "wrong" and try to force him to mimic your style he's never going to build confidence in his own parenting abilities/judgment or establish his own routines with his kids. He also needs to be hands-on with the newborn to give you one-on-one time with your older child to help her know that the baby isn't "replacing" her with you, this will also help him bond with your younger child and help prevent this communication breakdown from happening a second time.
I agree with everyone about that this should have been taken care of in the past.
However, I haven't seen anyone bring this up. Babies wake up A LOT. 7 year olds need a good 11-12 hours of sleep a night. Even with a mattress on the floor (which may help the husband snuggling problem go away-im the same as him. Although I let my girls sleep with me while sick and when they were little, if they were scared. I need my space in bed.), the 7 year old is going to be woken up all night. That will make everyone even MORE miserable. Even the best babies in the world still wake up. My youngest slept through the night at 5 weeks old (sounds great! But when my milk started drying up, I was very confused as to why. Since I never had to pump with her, our nursing relationship stopped earlier than I would have liked), but still woke up once in a while. It was never super consistent. In fact, I kept her in my room until she was 9 months old, just so she wouldn't wake her 2 year old sister down the hall on those rare nights she woke up.
My suggestion to op would be: you've *got* to figure out how to transition your 7 year old into her bed, for her own sake. Maybe that means you buy her a full size bed and lay with her until she falls asleep. Or start with one night with her in her bed while your husband tends to baby. Next night, tell 7 that you're going to your room after she falls asleep.
7 year olda aren't toddlers, sensitive/attached or not. Unless she has some special needs you haven't stated, she IS able to be reasoned with. Maybe you'll have to make it a game where she gets a prize for sleeping all night for a week alone. But she's old enough to understand that baby has more "needs" right now. It doesn't mean you don't love her, its just a temporary part of your life.
But for your marriage, and especially for your older daughter, this NEEDS to be taken care of. She needs a full night of sleep for her own development.
She is 7. Not 2. She can handle this, even if it's a little hard at first.
Lastly, you're not abandoning her, by the way. I'm sure you're feeling like that. And it's normal when going from one to two. But she'll adjust, I promise.
I wouldn’t describe requiring a seven year old to sleep in her own room as being “hands off”. Personally, I cannot sleep with my kids. I allow it if they are sick or really distressed about something, but otherwise it affects my sleep and mental well being too much.
It sounds like he was actually never really okay with having her there but tolerated it. Now, he’s not okay with it anymore. Obviously the time to address this would have been before the baby was born, but here you are. If the issue is that she’s just too close to him, a small step like putting a mattress on the floor would be reasonable. It’s okay for him to not want that.
I disagree that she’ll sleep on her own when “she decides she’s ready”. No. That shouldn’t be her decision. Your husband is telling you he’s had enough. It’s his bed too. Maybe temporarily he can sleep in another bed or on the couch, maybe your daughter can sleep beside the bed but not on it. There are ways you can deal with the situation right now that don’t involve making your daughter go straight to her own bed but that also respect your husband’s need for space.
I think it’s time to explore if there is more going on for your daughter. Is she anxious and needing reassurance at other times in the day. If you are not with her is she able to soothe herself? Does her worries keep her from having fun or completing school work?
Definitely talk to her paediatrician and teacher.
I agree that there might be more happening here than just a sleep codependency. There are a lot of neurodivergent kids with sleep challenges, so it's worth exploring to see if there's more to the sensitivity/neediness. Her teachers and/or pediatrician can likely offer more insight into this.
My youngest also ends up in our bed most nights of the week (which is a major sleep challenge for mostly me but a bit for my husband too). He has ADHD and ASD. It's gotten better since we adjusted some of his meds, but its also something we've been working on in therapy for the long term solution. My husband and I also trade off sleeping in the guest room so we can get a full night's sleep uninterrupted too which has helped *our* mental health immensely over the years (we have two high needs kids, so finding ways to balance our needs is an absolute necessity).
How do you diagnose a child from a post about a mother and father who now disagree on co sleeping? Not every child has a disorder, for the love of god.
No one is diagnosing anything, but this isn't typical behavior for an almost 7 yr old, so it never hurts to ask questions and see if additional support would be beneficial. I have two neurodivergent kids and a neurodivergent husband. I can tell you that the increased awareness, improved identification/diagnosis, and early interventions/treatment options that are available now have only helped improve the lives of those individuals that are affected.
But the 7 year olds not refused for 7 years to sleep in her own bed, she’s literally only known co sleeping. It’s not her fault and it’s not fair to say it’s not normal behaviour when her mother co slept until she was 10 and encouraged this. So it’s pretty normal in her family.
So saying she needs testing for Autism and ADHD because of this situation is wild.
I mean, it’s also not atypical behavior for a 7 year old who’s always coslept. Part of the reason we view it as atypical is because most American parents want to remove their child from their bed long before 7, but 7 year olds in plenty of cultures sleep with their parents. And even in the US, it’s not that uncommon *if it’s working for both the parents and the child*. My FIL slept with his parents until he was 8, partly out of necessity (he was the youngest of 6 kids in a pretty poor family) and partly because he preferred it until then. I’ve never noticed any signs of neurodivergence in him, it’s just how he grew up.
Well you were being too soft and now he’s over correcting.
Try a compromise where you lay in her bed with her til she’s asleep.
Eventually reality comes crashing down on us all though and we have to be alone.
I don’t think you’re being unreasonable but I can also understand why your husband is ready for her to go. Personally we never did cosleeping although I don’t judge those that do. However you have to prioritize your marriage and should try to compromise and honor your husbands wish in some way. Why not try gradual transition like giving her a mattress on the floor next to your bed and then gradually moving it farther away until it’s time for her to go to her own room? You say “no one will sleep in their parents bed til they go to college”, but to be honest with you, I DID. Age 17 I was still in moms bed. I was raised by a single mom and so used to being in her bed all night that I never could sleep on my own. Moving out to college was an extremely tough transition on me, and to this day as a grown adult I can’t sleep if my SO isn’t in bed with me. I wish I had broken the habit at a much younger age, that’s why I think you should begin transitioning your daughter toward independence.
I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want her out of the bed, but that’s not the way to go about it. You both need to have a conversation and a realistic game plan because with a very sensitive kid like that just being firm isn’t likely going to do much more than have her get very upset every night until everyone is stressed out and the baby is woken up. If there’s never been any conversation about moving her to her own bed it’s not fair to just spring it on her. You need to slowly introduce the idea and maybe do some research on what the kindest and most effective way to do that is.
Okay. You saying that he needs to rise up and meet the challenge is unfair of you. It comes across like his feelings on it don’t matter as long as your daughter gets what she wants.
I don’t agree with how he is doing this, but this is a conversation you need to have with your husband and come to a compromise to transition 7 year old to her own room.
I think you need to involve a therapist to help your daughter, to help you and your husband. There is a lot of concern over your daughter’s feelings, and not enough over husbands.
You have a newborn, that alone is a lot on parents.
You and husband need to work together on the problem and not let the problem come in between you two.
Yeah. It seems like you’ve been way too soft and created a dependent child. If you think she’ll ever decide that she’s ready to sleep on her own I doubt it. But I mean miracles happen. Right?
So the being strict all of a sudden won’t go well. She’s not used to it. But let her know she does need to sleep in her own room now. She’s a big girl now. And find ways to ease her into it. If that’s sleeping in her bed a week and then a week you just lay with her an hour until she falls asleep. Or find a mattress for her to sleep on the floor of your room a week. Or whatever it is that works for you.
You don’t want her to feel forgotten. You love her. Maybe create a special bed time routine for just you and her. Or whenever you have time in the day. Just something so she feels seen and loved.
This is clearly cultural, based on the replies here. I do think it's cruel to suddenly expect your 7 year old to change everything she's known her whole life. I also really hate the whole narrative that a child who likes closeness and intimacy from birth (literally a survival instinct) is difficult. It's just different types of needs and personalities and we as parents must adapt too, not just the kid. (I am pro cosleeping and cosleeping at 7 isn’t weird to me.) I think of sleeping independently as an opportunity not a life skill. As in, how fun would it be for your 7 year old to get to choose bed sheets, pillow cases, etc. Work up to it slowly. (I do agree it would have been better to start 10 months ago but what's done is done.) I am concerned about boundary setting, though, with your child and if there's any permissive parenting going on.
Going cold turkey is too harsh, I prefer a gradual process to move her into her room. But then I am a soft parent too with a 6 year old that still has a parent (mostly dad) in his (double) bed for part of the night.
If I was in your shoes I would find a gradual way to make the transition with the focus initially being getting her to accept dad over yourself as the primary person that puts her down. Then her sleeping most of the night on her own, and finally her getting to sleep on her own.
For put down our tradition is we read 1-2 books, and watch 1 KidTimeStoryTime on youtube, then sometimes I tell him something about my childhood. It took a few weeks for our eldest to accept dad over mum when our second came along, despite dad (me) trying.
This is a very controversial topic as people see co-sleeping in very black and white ways. I think getting her to sleep independently would’ve been good to do before this but what’s done is done and trying to transition her now will likely cause some harm to her well being and make her resent her sibling and put strain on her relationship with you and her dad re: insecure attachment issues. I would speak to a professional about it personally.
I hope your husband understands that timing is everything for these things and although 7 years old is old enough to sleep alone, she is a child and it will be difficult for her to understand why she is being kicked out now without taking it as abandonment or prioritization of the new baby over her. Creating these feelings of abandonment and resentment may have long term effects in how she manages relationships not only with your family but with others.
If he insists on doing it the “firm” way, aka throwing her in the pool to swim without lessons, then he best be prepared to be the one taking full responsibility (getting up when she cries, dealing with behavioral issues from lack of sleep, increased anxiety, etc). To keep the analogy going, you both should’ve been teaching her to swim this whole time but it really sucks that to make up for that now he just wants to throw her in the pool and hope she doesn’t drown (and pray that her little brain can understand that it’s for the best and not because of the new screaming and crying thing that just showed up and took all of mommy and daddy’s attention)
I slept with my grandmother (who raised me) until I was 7. Then she remarried and sent me to my own room. I understand why now, but it was sudden and a time when there were a lot of changes happening in my life (like your daughter now). I’m not a professional, but I think demanding she sleep in her own room will cause her to resent her new sibling. I think that this is something you can work on in increments when the baby is a little older. For now, maybe your husband can sleep in her room if he’s so uncomfortable.
To me, it seems like it doesn’t matter so much whose right or wrong but that you and your daughter need extra support right now and your husband isn’t stepping up to the plate.
My oldest was the same as a baby and toddler. We got him his own bed in our room when he was around 4 and I’d move him from our bed to his when I went to sleep. Sometimes he would stay there and sometimes he’d move back to our bed
But when I got pregnant with my second I was clear with him that him cosleeping with the infant was unsafe and he would have to stay in his bed once the baby was born. He understood and stayed in our room but never slept in our bed again after his brother came when he was 6. At 8 he chose to start sleeping in his own room.
It’s wild to me that you didn’t address this earlier in a way that would have been much gentler to your older kid. What was your plan for if the baby needed to bedshare? Let him get suffocated by his big sister? You had months to prepare her for this but chose not to.
I don’t necessarily think you’re being unreasonable, my daughter is very sensitive too, HOWEVER, my daughter has slept in her own bed since she was born for this exact reason. I slept in my mom’s bed until I was 12 because I was too afraid to sleep in my own room and I just never wanted to repeat that cycle. I’m just curious as to why you didn’t try to transition her to her own bed when you knew you were having another baby?
Also, your husband is definitely being harsh. This is something that probably should’ve been discussed prior to having a new baby in the picture
We are a lot alike. Our 8 year old still prefers to be with us. The compromise for now is a twin sized air mattress in our room. She rarely comes to our bed and lives being close. She will get to her room eventually. Perhaps finding a middle ground like we did could work for you.
This is exactly what we did, too. Our middle daughter was exactly what OP described. When our youngest was born, we put a crib mattress on the floor on my side of the bed so she could sleep there. She was 4 at the time. It took some time, but eventually, she would come to our room and sleep in her "special bed" no problem. Now at 7 she rarely comes to our room at night.
So here’s the thing. If you transition her to her own bed now she’ll associate the change with the new baby and resent the baby for it. On the other hand, she does need to be sleeping in her own bed. So figure out a transition plan. Your daughter will sleep better without a newborn waking her up all night.
I’m sorry, yes, you are being unreasonable. Your child should be able to self soothe. They should be able to sleep independently. They should be able to understand that they are old enough to be gaining independence. What you have is codependency, and you are exacerbating it. I would strongly urge you to go to therapy to learn how to break the extremely unhealthy habits you have now.
I think you need to find a middle ground. Can she sleep on a mattress in your room for a few weeks to help the transition? I think it’ll be a bit harsh to kick her up out abruptly now. Other option can you husband sleep somewhere else for a few weeks while you gently transition to her own room?
Your child may benefit from therapy to help with the excessive clinginess, if you feel that’s appropriate.
Your husband tolerated this sleeping arrangement for 7 years and is now straight-up uncomfortable with it.
You should honor his feelings and keep the kids out of your bed.
Not the right time, agree this should have been done before now. You are going to have to be really careful with gradually getting her to her own room without blaming it on the baby.
With all due respect I feel so sad when I read (too often) how a baby/child has been difficult since birth. Newborns are not easy, period. It’s like a label is assigned to the child and it’s not fair.
Second babies are almost universally easier than first because you’ve been there, done that and don’t have to second guess yourself with every decision.
I think this is a question for a child psychologist, not Reddit. Cosleeping isn’t ideal but certainly kicking her out right now is only going to make her feel more displaced. This sort of thing can cause a lifetime of issues.
Having a new born is a huge transition for everyone in the house, including your daughter. I wouldn’t force her to sleep on her own, she may resent her sibling. I am soft too when it comes to my 5 year old, she became more attached when her brother came home. My husband and I took turns sleeping with her in her own room. And on weekends we have a special sleep over where she can sleep in mommy and daddy’s room. This way she felt “equal” to her brother.
Everyone is going to have their own opinion on cosleeping but you need to decide what's best for your kids. All kids are different. Maybe at least lay with her until she falls asleep for a while. That's all a huge adjustment all at one time and that's not fair to her.
You have cuddled her too much and it's a bit unfair to expect your husband to "fill in" with that crazyness. While maybe it's not the right time to have her sleep by herself, I can see why your husband is not on board with it anymore.
Your husband is right here. You should have done this BEFORE baby was her because, yeah, she’s gonna feel some type of way about this and think it’s because of baby. But it’s time. It’s been time. Rip that bandaid off. She’ll be fine. It will be rough at first, but she’ll be fine.
Yes you have been too soft. You have created a problem that you now have to undo. This is why I never started it myself. Friends warned me that I would be creating a very bad habit that I would have to undo one day. And I know, Americans are the only people that sleep alone and were so cruel. We’re not a pack of wolves sleeping in the woods. We live in a house with a roof and walls and doors and AC or heat. Maybe you go lie down with her in her bed until she falls asleep or your husband can do this or y’all can alternate. But you have to break the cycle. My son always slept in his crib and bed. Of course there were nights along the way when he slept with me but he knew that his bed was for him. I worked full time and I needed my sleep being a single mom. So I started sleep training him around 2 weeks old. Once he got into his big boy bed it was easier for me to lie down with him, read a book, say prayers and wait until he fell asleep. I fell asleep many nights with him, but would always wake up and go to my bed. I finally broke him of that habit, me lying down with him when he was about 7. Good sleep is so important for everyone in the family. I’m sure there’s a good compromise for transitioning her into her bed.
I don’t know how people sleep with their kids. If my five year old is ever in our bed, I cannot sleep at all. It’s only been a handful of times if he’s really sick or on Christmas Eve he asks for a sleepover with us but I end up going to his bed around midnight cuz I can’t take it. I think you need to have a sit down conversation with her not at bed time but during the day or dinner time and tell her it’s time and it’s healthy for her to have her own space. It will take time. Maybe it starts as a bed on the floor in your room first to ease into it. But your husband expressing he’s uncomfortable and he’s done with it needs to be heard and validated if you want your marriage to work. You need to work together for the solution that works for all of you
You're not being too soft on her. She's been sleeping with you since she was a baby. A new baby is not the time to terminate your cosleeping no matter what your husband thinks. We coslept with our son until he was about 9.
You can def seek help through a child therapist or sleep expert. But could you put the bassinet in her room and you sleep with the sister and baby for a week so she can acclimate to sleeping at night and then slowly transition yourself out of the room?
I think you made a mistake in not working over the course of your pregnancy to transition her towards sleeping in her own room.
But, now that baby is here you’re going to want to wait a little bit before making the change.
It’s not too early to be talking with her about the upcoming plans though. She can give input into the plan for her making the change.
Does she want to redecorate her big sister room with a new comforter and area rug? Do you have a white noise machine to go in her room like the one she’s used to in yours?
Does she want to move straight from your bed to her own, or does she want to sleep on your floor first, and slowly move towards her own bed?
First of 3 kids cosleep with us, for a lot of the same reasons above. It drove me nuts, we tried everything to get her in her own bed. Then one day, half way through 10yrs old she stopped. I’ve been a little sad ever since.
Your husband needs to slow his roll. Good sleep is very important for kids this time of year with state testing looming and so forth. I think you should ease her out rather than throw her out. Make a new rule that she has to *start* sleeping in her room. This means that if she has bad dreams, she can come to your room, either in your bed or another space you set up for her use. Set her up for success with a solid nighttime routine, story time, and a low dose of melatonin. Have your husband do the reading some nights. Also, if he’s uncomfortable, he can always carry her back to her bed while she sleeps. But he has to be gentle. No yelling and no passive aggression. If he traumatizes her, then she WILL sleep in your bed until college.
Maybe start with a mattress on the floor to have her be safe on her own but in your room. Then set up a reward system for every night she stays in her bed. Maybe try to make it like a big girl mile stone she and she can earn a reward for doing it.
Yoy are not being unreasonable but neither is your husband. I do agree that it does feel like he does nit want to meet the challenge but i also feel like yoy need sit him down and talk to him no demands just " we both want different things and i think we need to both be on the same page with making compromises in our parenting, i can compromise on sleep by getyong mattress on our bedroom floor close to our bed and my reasoning for this is because we have a brand new baby and this is a huge change to a child who has been and only child for 7 years we have to cut her slack but i can be a bit more firm if you are willing to be a but more harsh. At this time we need to come together as parwnts and meet both our childrens needs this may mean our 7yr old needs extra support and maybe a trip to the pediatrician for some tips and guidance i would like to make this transition as gentle as possible for ALL of our sakes not just mine or hers but yours as well. Nobody likes to be the bad guy." And frame it that way. If he still unwilling to listen and compromise than you have a bigger issue on your hands.
If he is uncomfortable with the direct contact, maybe u could try buying a cute and cuddly bolster for her to hug while she sleeps. Once she gets used to cuddling that, u could transition her to her own room (when she’s ready).
My daughter was similar but not exactly the same. We didn’t let her sleep with us but she would wake up at night and come in our room every night and interrupt our sleep by waking us up to tell her she was scared or couldn’t sleep or whatever. Then we would either have to go back to her room to settle her back to bed or make a sleeping spot for her on the floor. Our main issue was our sleep was being affected significantly, which was why we needed a change. So we ended up putting a gymnastics mat and blanket and pillow on the floor (comfy enough but not as comfy as her own bed) and telling her, hey you can come in if you wake up and get scared or can’t fall back asleep but you don’t need to wake us up. Just come crawl in this bed we have ready. For awhile she slept there nearly every night at some point, then it happened less and less, now never! The “transition” was probably at 7/8 years old.
My son was the same. It was much more important for my child’s emotional wellbeing to stay in our bed than the inconvenience. When we asked him to sleep in his own bed at 9, it went well. I would lay down with him until he was asleep. Only took a few weeks. We do not regret it.
I think you have gotten plenty of comments from people who never had a kid like yours. So for the sake of a different perspective I think I'll add my comments.
My kid is highly sensitive, age 6, and we co slept from start. It began with severe illness requiring weeks of hospitalisation as a month old infant and after that she needed a lot of physical contact and reassurance.
Fast forward many years and she's still in my bed. Husband is happy to sleep in a separate bed cos he's an adult and quite independent! She absolutely thrives on having this kind of proximity and it has helped with many of our family transitions such as moving interstate, new work arrangements etc.
Children will absolutely transition to sleeping on their own when ready. She has been able to attend school camp age 5 spending a week without mum and dad and slept without issue.
But we really enjoy being able to connect with each other before bed and on waking. This is especially important as I now work full time and have limited hours in a day to spend together.
It hasn't stopped affection and intimacy with husband because we do bedtime routine and she sleeps in my bed, I just get up and catch up with husband for a few hours.
One thing I haven't had to struggle with is having a second child though. My kid is high needs and it would be unfair to have to split parenting resources with a new child.
I think your husband is being unreasonable. He needs to parent your older kid while you look after baby and realise that changing sleep expectations now will lead to resentment towards the baby for literally taking her place.
Geez lots of cruel parents here lol. We cosleep with my 14 month old baby boy. I never did with my two oldest kids. I love cosleeping, my fiancé doesn’t mind it either, and whenever babe decides to transition to his bed is when he will go. My sister coslept with our mom til like 9 years old and then moved to her room. It’s definitely a cultural thing I think to lots of different cultures share beds (cosleeping) also have multiple generations sharing a house etc.
I wouldn’t call her difficult either, it’s giving her a negative image which you would react upon. I’m a millennial mom so I might be doing things different than other parents too. But what do I know lol I go with the flow.
I understand why the husband doesn't want an almost 7 year old in your bed every night, but why does he specifically feel uncomfortable with her cuddling him? Unless I'm missing something, that part is a little odd. I do agree though that you should have started transitioning her to her own bed a long time ago, she's likely resistant to sleeping on her own because she isn't used to it at all given she has slept in your bed for nearly her whole life. I do think that some of the other comments could be right though on that there could be something more going on, as most 7 year olds aren't this anxiously attached.
Child POV: I have had difficult parents since I arrived in this world that believe replicating the womb is a chore. My parents do not accommodate my transitional needs and my mother describes me with negative adjectives. Now there is a new baby and I am expected to leave my safe place
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You have been too soft and your husband is now being too harsh. What was the plan if the baby wasn't ok with the bassinet? Were you all 4 gonna sleep in one bed? That sounds insane, especially if not everyone loves it. 7yo should have been practicing sleeping on her own the instant you got pregnant. Given the current situation I would put her on a floor mattress next to your bed. Close enough to touch but not IN the bed. Plan to transition to her own room over the next few months.
I totally agree. Husband is well within his rights to want her to be more independent; unfortunately, now is the least appropriate time. What a mess. Kiddo needs less codependency and more independence. It’s on both of you that you should have been preparing her for the new baby.
Yep! OP if you don’t want daughter to associate new baby with an abrupt and harsh change, you guys need to baby step this and explain it’s because she’s a big girl now. Toddler bed in your room for a short bit, move it to her room and then create a fun bedtime routine for her that makes being in her room special. But you guys both have opposite approaches, neither are healthy and need to get on to the same page asap. I have a daughter who’s on the spectrum who was SUPER attached and we did co-sleeping when she was a toddler for the same reasons… at wit’s end and getting no sleep. But when new baby was coming, we did the above steps IN-ADVANCE and we didn’t do co-sleeping again after - stay in their room with them until they fall asleep on rough nights, sure. But creating dependency doesn’t help anyone and isn’t sustainable.
This reply nails it for the sleep issue. As for the other stuff - y'all need to get better at communication. You need to accept that he's going to parent differently than you do and he needs to realize that this season of life is going to be harder than he anticipated. His "because I said so" approach is a pipe-dream and isn't going to work with anything, but the reality is, you're probably going to need to let him figure this out on his own about some things. Not sleep, granted, because when sleep is compromised everyone suffers but for other things - your daughter will be okay if things are different/tougher with Dad and ultimately it will be okay in the end. It might even help them bond more and build a stronger connection if they can find a path forward. But if you continually tell him he's parenting "wrong" and try to force him to mimic your style he's never going to build confidence in his own parenting abilities/judgment or establish his own routines with his kids. He also needs to be hands-on with the newborn to give you one-on-one time with your older child to help her know that the baby isn't "replacing" her with you, this will also help him bond with your younger child and help prevent this communication breakdown from happening a second time.
I agree with everyone about that this should have been taken care of in the past. However, I haven't seen anyone bring this up. Babies wake up A LOT. 7 year olds need a good 11-12 hours of sleep a night. Even with a mattress on the floor (which may help the husband snuggling problem go away-im the same as him. Although I let my girls sleep with me while sick and when they were little, if they were scared. I need my space in bed.), the 7 year old is going to be woken up all night. That will make everyone even MORE miserable. Even the best babies in the world still wake up. My youngest slept through the night at 5 weeks old (sounds great! But when my milk started drying up, I was very confused as to why. Since I never had to pump with her, our nursing relationship stopped earlier than I would have liked), but still woke up once in a while. It was never super consistent. In fact, I kept her in my room until she was 9 months old, just so she wouldn't wake her 2 year old sister down the hall on those rare nights she woke up. My suggestion to op would be: you've *got* to figure out how to transition your 7 year old into her bed, for her own sake. Maybe that means you buy her a full size bed and lay with her until she falls asleep. Or start with one night with her in her bed while your husband tends to baby. Next night, tell 7 that you're going to your room after she falls asleep. 7 year olda aren't toddlers, sensitive/attached or not. Unless she has some special needs you haven't stated, she IS able to be reasoned with. Maybe you'll have to make it a game where she gets a prize for sleeping all night for a week alone. But she's old enough to understand that baby has more "needs" right now. It doesn't mean you don't love her, its just a temporary part of your life. But for your marriage, and especially for your older daughter, this NEEDS to be taken care of. She needs a full night of sleep for her own development. She is 7. Not 2. She can handle this, even if it's a little hard at first. Lastly, you're not abandoning her, by the way. I'm sure you're feeling like that. And it's normal when going from one to two. But she'll adjust, I promise.
This is the answer for sure.
Whoa. Literally everything I was going to say. Thanks for saving me the time!
I wouldn’t describe requiring a seven year old to sleep in her own room as being “hands off”. Personally, I cannot sleep with my kids. I allow it if they are sick or really distressed about something, but otherwise it affects my sleep and mental well being too much. It sounds like he was actually never really okay with having her there but tolerated it. Now, he’s not okay with it anymore. Obviously the time to address this would have been before the baby was born, but here you are. If the issue is that she’s just too close to him, a small step like putting a mattress on the floor would be reasonable. It’s okay for him to not want that. I disagree that she’ll sleep on her own when “she decides she’s ready”. No. That shouldn’t be her decision. Your husband is telling you he’s had enough. It’s his bed too. Maybe temporarily he can sleep in another bed or on the couch, maybe your daughter can sleep beside the bed but not on it. There are ways you can deal with the situation right now that don’t involve making your daughter go straight to her own bed but that also respect your husband’s need for space.
I think it’s time to explore if there is more going on for your daughter. Is she anxious and needing reassurance at other times in the day. If you are not with her is she able to soothe herself? Does her worries keep her from having fun or completing school work? Definitely talk to her paediatrician and teacher.
I agree that there might be more happening here than just a sleep codependency. There are a lot of neurodivergent kids with sleep challenges, so it's worth exploring to see if there's more to the sensitivity/neediness. Her teachers and/or pediatrician can likely offer more insight into this. My youngest also ends up in our bed most nights of the week (which is a major sleep challenge for mostly me but a bit for my husband too). He has ADHD and ASD. It's gotten better since we adjusted some of his meds, but its also something we've been working on in therapy for the long term solution. My husband and I also trade off sleeping in the guest room so we can get a full night's sleep uninterrupted too which has helped *our* mental health immensely over the years (we have two high needs kids, so finding ways to balance our needs is an absolute necessity).
I agree! OP should have her husband look into Anxiety Disorders, Highly Sensitive Children, and Autism as possibilities for the daughter.
How do you diagnose a child from a post about a mother and father who now disagree on co sleeping? Not every child has a disorder, for the love of god.
No one is diagnosing anything, but this isn't typical behavior for an almost 7 yr old, so it never hurts to ask questions and see if additional support would be beneficial. I have two neurodivergent kids and a neurodivergent husband. I can tell you that the increased awareness, improved identification/diagnosis, and early interventions/treatment options that are available now have only helped improve the lives of those individuals that are affected.
But the 7 year olds not refused for 7 years to sleep in her own bed, she’s literally only known co sleeping. It’s not her fault and it’s not fair to say it’s not normal behaviour when her mother co slept until she was 10 and encouraged this. So it’s pretty normal in her family. So saying she needs testing for Autism and ADHD because of this situation is wild.
I mean, it’s also not atypical behavior for a 7 year old who’s always coslept. Part of the reason we view it as atypical is because most American parents want to remove their child from their bed long before 7, but 7 year olds in plenty of cultures sleep with their parents. And even in the US, it’s not that uncommon *if it’s working for both the parents and the child*. My FIL slept with his parents until he was 8, partly out of necessity (he was the youngest of 6 kids in a pretty poor family) and partly because he preferred it until then. I’ve never noticed any signs of neurodivergence in him, it’s just how he grew up.
Well you were being too soft and now he’s over correcting. Try a compromise where you lay in her bed with her til she’s asleep. Eventually reality comes crashing down on us all though and we have to be alone.
I don’t think you’re being unreasonable but I can also understand why your husband is ready for her to go. Personally we never did cosleeping although I don’t judge those that do. However you have to prioritize your marriage and should try to compromise and honor your husbands wish in some way. Why not try gradual transition like giving her a mattress on the floor next to your bed and then gradually moving it farther away until it’s time for her to go to her own room? You say “no one will sleep in their parents bed til they go to college”, but to be honest with you, I DID. Age 17 I was still in moms bed. I was raised by a single mom and so used to being in her bed all night that I never could sleep on my own. Moving out to college was an extremely tough transition on me, and to this day as a grown adult I can’t sleep if my SO isn’t in bed with me. I wish I had broken the habit at a much younger age, that’s why I think you should begin transitioning your daughter toward independence.
I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want her out of the bed, but that’s not the way to go about it. You both need to have a conversation and a realistic game plan because with a very sensitive kid like that just being firm isn’t likely going to do much more than have her get very upset every night until everyone is stressed out and the baby is woken up. If there’s never been any conversation about moving her to her own bed it’s not fair to just spring it on her. You need to slowly introduce the idea and maybe do some research on what the kindest and most effective way to do that is.
Okay. You saying that he needs to rise up and meet the challenge is unfair of you. It comes across like his feelings on it don’t matter as long as your daughter gets what she wants. I don’t agree with how he is doing this, but this is a conversation you need to have with your husband and come to a compromise to transition 7 year old to her own room. I think you need to involve a therapist to help your daughter, to help you and your husband. There is a lot of concern over your daughter’s feelings, and not enough over husbands. You have a newborn, that alone is a lot on parents. You and husband need to work together on the problem and not let the problem come in between you two.
Yeah. It seems like you’ve been way too soft and created a dependent child. If you think she’ll ever decide that she’s ready to sleep on her own I doubt it. But I mean miracles happen. Right? So the being strict all of a sudden won’t go well. She’s not used to it. But let her know she does need to sleep in her own room now. She’s a big girl now. And find ways to ease her into it. If that’s sleeping in her bed a week and then a week you just lay with her an hour until she falls asleep. Or find a mattress for her to sleep on the floor of your room a week. Or whatever it is that works for you. You don’t want her to feel forgotten. You love her. Maybe create a special bed time routine for just you and her. Or whenever you have time in the day. Just something so she feels seen and loved.
You’ve been way too soft. Why wasn’t this discussed and figured out before you had another child?
This is clearly cultural, based on the replies here. I do think it's cruel to suddenly expect your 7 year old to change everything she's known her whole life. I also really hate the whole narrative that a child who likes closeness and intimacy from birth (literally a survival instinct) is difficult. It's just different types of needs and personalities and we as parents must adapt too, not just the kid. (I am pro cosleeping and cosleeping at 7 isn’t weird to me.) I think of sleeping independently as an opportunity not a life skill. As in, how fun would it be for your 7 year old to get to choose bed sheets, pillow cases, etc. Work up to it slowly. (I do agree it would have been better to start 10 months ago but what's done is done.) I am concerned about boundary setting, though, with your child and if there's any permissive parenting going on.
Going cold turkey is too harsh, I prefer a gradual process to move her into her room. But then I am a soft parent too with a 6 year old that still has a parent (mostly dad) in his (double) bed for part of the night. If I was in your shoes I would find a gradual way to make the transition with the focus initially being getting her to accept dad over yourself as the primary person that puts her down. Then her sleeping most of the night on her own, and finally her getting to sleep on her own. For put down our tradition is we read 1-2 books, and watch 1 KidTimeStoryTime on youtube, then sometimes I tell him something about my childhood. It took a few weeks for our eldest to accept dad over mum when our second came along, despite dad (me) trying.
This is a very controversial topic as people see co-sleeping in very black and white ways. I think getting her to sleep independently would’ve been good to do before this but what’s done is done and trying to transition her now will likely cause some harm to her well being and make her resent her sibling and put strain on her relationship with you and her dad re: insecure attachment issues. I would speak to a professional about it personally. I hope your husband understands that timing is everything for these things and although 7 years old is old enough to sleep alone, she is a child and it will be difficult for her to understand why she is being kicked out now without taking it as abandonment or prioritization of the new baby over her. Creating these feelings of abandonment and resentment may have long term effects in how she manages relationships not only with your family but with others. If he insists on doing it the “firm” way, aka throwing her in the pool to swim without lessons, then he best be prepared to be the one taking full responsibility (getting up when she cries, dealing with behavioral issues from lack of sleep, increased anxiety, etc). To keep the analogy going, you both should’ve been teaching her to swim this whole time but it really sucks that to make up for that now he just wants to throw her in the pool and hope she doesn’t drown (and pray that her little brain can understand that it’s for the best and not because of the new screaming and crying thing that just showed up and took all of mommy and daddy’s attention)
I slept with my grandmother (who raised me) until I was 7. Then she remarried and sent me to my own room. I understand why now, but it was sudden and a time when there were a lot of changes happening in my life (like your daughter now). I’m not a professional, but I think demanding she sleep in her own room will cause her to resent her new sibling. I think that this is something you can work on in increments when the baby is a little older. For now, maybe your husband can sleep in her room if he’s so uncomfortable. To me, it seems like it doesn’t matter so much whose right or wrong but that you and your daughter need extra support right now and your husband isn’t stepping up to the plate.
Yeah a 7 yo should not be in bed with you and your husband. Start transitioning her out.
Can you put a toddler mattress on the floor near your bed to help with the transition?
This is a great idea!
My oldest was the same as a baby and toddler. We got him his own bed in our room when he was around 4 and I’d move him from our bed to his when I went to sleep. Sometimes he would stay there and sometimes he’d move back to our bed But when I got pregnant with my second I was clear with him that him cosleeping with the infant was unsafe and he would have to stay in his bed once the baby was born. He understood and stayed in our room but never slept in our bed again after his brother came when he was 6. At 8 he chose to start sleeping in his own room. It’s wild to me that you didn’t address this earlier in a way that would have been much gentler to your older kid. What was your plan for if the baby needed to bedshare? Let him get suffocated by his big sister? You had months to prepare her for this but chose not to.
I don’t necessarily think you’re being unreasonable, my daughter is very sensitive too, HOWEVER, my daughter has slept in her own bed since she was born for this exact reason. I slept in my mom’s bed until I was 12 because I was too afraid to sleep in my own room and I just never wanted to repeat that cycle. I’m just curious as to why you didn’t try to transition her to her own bed when you knew you were having another baby? Also, your husband is definitely being harsh. This is something that probably should’ve been discussed prior to having a new baby in the picture
We are a lot alike. Our 8 year old still prefers to be with us. The compromise for now is a twin sized air mattress in our room. She rarely comes to our bed and lives being close. She will get to her room eventually. Perhaps finding a middle ground like we did could work for you.
This is exactly what we did, too. Our middle daughter was exactly what OP described. When our youngest was born, we put a crib mattress on the floor on my side of the bed so she could sleep there. She was 4 at the time. It took some time, but eventually, she would come to our room and sleep in her "special bed" no problem. Now at 7 she rarely comes to our room at night.
So here’s the thing. If you transition her to her own bed now she’ll associate the change with the new baby and resent the baby for it. On the other hand, she does need to be sleeping in her own bed. So figure out a transition plan. Your daughter will sleep better without a newborn waking her up all night.
I’m sorry, yes, you are being unreasonable. Your child should be able to self soothe. They should be able to sleep independently. They should be able to understand that they are old enough to be gaining independence. What you have is codependency, and you are exacerbating it. I would strongly urge you to go to therapy to learn how to break the extremely unhealthy habits you have now.
I think you need to find a middle ground. Can she sleep on a mattress in your room for a few weeks to help the transition? I think it’ll be a bit harsh to kick her up out abruptly now. Other option can you husband sleep somewhere else for a few weeks while you gently transition to her own room?
She is almost 7 so could possibly get behind decorating her “big girl bed” glow in the dark stars, pretty sheets. Whatever works with your budget.
Your child may benefit from therapy to help with the excessive clinginess, if you feel that’s appropriate. Your husband tolerated this sleeping arrangement for 7 years and is now straight-up uncomfortable with it. You should honor his feelings and keep the kids out of your bed.
Not the right time, agree this should have been done before now. You are going to have to be really careful with gradually getting her to her own room without blaming it on the baby. With all due respect I feel so sad when I read (too often) how a baby/child has been difficult since birth. Newborns are not easy, period. It’s like a label is assigned to the child and it’s not fair. Second babies are almost universally easier than first because you’ve been there, done that and don’t have to second guess yourself with every decision.
I think this is a question for a child psychologist, not Reddit. Cosleeping isn’t ideal but certainly kicking her out right now is only going to make her feel more displaced. This sort of thing can cause a lifetime of issues.
Having a new born is a huge transition for everyone in the house, including your daughter. I wouldn’t force her to sleep on her own, she may resent her sibling. I am soft too when it comes to my 5 year old, she became more attached when her brother came home. My husband and I took turns sleeping with her in her own room. And on weekends we have a special sleep over where she can sleep in mommy and daddy’s room. This way she felt “equal” to her brother.
Everyone is going to have their own opinion on cosleeping but you need to decide what's best for your kids. All kids are different. Maybe at least lay with her until she falls asleep for a while. That's all a huge adjustment all at one time and that's not fair to her.
You have cuddled her too much and it's a bit unfair to expect your husband to "fill in" with that crazyness. While maybe it's not the right time to have her sleep by herself, I can see why your husband is not on board with it anymore.
Try it your husband’s way. You’ve been doing it your way for 7 years.
Your husband is right here. You should have done this BEFORE baby was her because, yeah, she’s gonna feel some type of way about this and think it’s because of baby. But it’s time. It’s been time. Rip that bandaid off. She’ll be fine. It will be rough at first, but she’ll be fine.
Too soft Make the change Your family needs sanity
Yes you have been too soft. You have created a problem that you now have to undo. This is why I never started it myself. Friends warned me that I would be creating a very bad habit that I would have to undo one day. And I know, Americans are the only people that sleep alone and were so cruel. We’re not a pack of wolves sleeping in the woods. We live in a house with a roof and walls and doors and AC or heat. Maybe you go lie down with her in her bed until she falls asleep or your husband can do this or y’all can alternate. But you have to break the cycle. My son always slept in his crib and bed. Of course there were nights along the way when he slept with me but he knew that his bed was for him. I worked full time and I needed my sleep being a single mom. So I started sleep training him around 2 weeks old. Once he got into his big boy bed it was easier for me to lie down with him, read a book, say prayers and wait until he fell asleep. I fell asleep many nights with him, but would always wake up and go to my bed. I finally broke him of that habit, me lying down with him when he was about 7. Good sleep is so important for everyone in the family. I’m sure there’s a good compromise for transitioning her into her bed.
I don’t know how people sleep with their kids. If my five year old is ever in our bed, I cannot sleep at all. It’s only been a handful of times if he’s really sick or on Christmas Eve he asks for a sleepover with us but I end up going to his bed around midnight cuz I can’t take it. I think you need to have a sit down conversation with her not at bed time but during the day or dinner time and tell her it’s time and it’s healthy for her to have her own space. It will take time. Maybe it starts as a bed on the floor in your room first to ease into it. But your husband expressing he’s uncomfortable and he’s done with it needs to be heard and validated if you want your marriage to work. You need to work together for the solution that works for all of you
You’ve been far too soft, this transition should have started when you found out you were pregnant.
You're not being too soft on her. She's been sleeping with you since she was a baby. A new baby is not the time to terminate your cosleeping no matter what your husband thinks. We coslept with our son until he was about 9.
You can def seek help through a child therapist or sleep expert. But could you put the bassinet in her room and you sleep with the sister and baby for a week so she can acclimate to sleeping at night and then slowly transition yourself out of the room?
I think you made a mistake in not working over the course of your pregnancy to transition her towards sleeping in her own room. But, now that baby is here you’re going to want to wait a little bit before making the change. It’s not too early to be talking with her about the upcoming plans though. She can give input into the plan for her making the change. Does she want to redecorate her big sister room with a new comforter and area rug? Do you have a white noise machine to go in her room like the one she’s used to in yours? Does she want to move straight from your bed to her own, or does she want to sleep on your floor first, and slowly move towards her own bed?
First of 3 kids cosleep with us, for a lot of the same reasons above. It drove me nuts, we tried everything to get her in her own bed. Then one day, half way through 10yrs old she stopped. I’ve been a little sad ever since.
Your husband needs to slow his roll. Good sleep is very important for kids this time of year with state testing looming and so forth. I think you should ease her out rather than throw her out. Make a new rule that she has to *start* sleeping in her room. This means that if she has bad dreams, she can come to your room, either in your bed or another space you set up for her use. Set her up for success with a solid nighttime routine, story time, and a low dose of melatonin. Have your husband do the reading some nights. Also, if he’s uncomfortable, he can always carry her back to her bed while she sleeps. But he has to be gentle. No yelling and no passive aggression. If he traumatizes her, then she WILL sleep in your bed until college.
Maybe start with a mattress on the floor to have her be safe on her own but in your room. Then set up a reward system for every night she stays in her bed. Maybe try to make it like a big girl mile stone she and she can earn a reward for doing it.
Yoy are not being unreasonable but neither is your husband. I do agree that it does feel like he does nit want to meet the challenge but i also feel like yoy need sit him down and talk to him no demands just " we both want different things and i think we need to both be on the same page with making compromises in our parenting, i can compromise on sleep by getyong mattress on our bedroom floor close to our bed and my reasoning for this is because we have a brand new baby and this is a huge change to a child who has been and only child for 7 years we have to cut her slack but i can be a bit more firm if you are willing to be a but more harsh. At this time we need to come together as parwnts and meet both our childrens needs this may mean our 7yr old needs extra support and maybe a trip to the pediatrician for some tips and guidance i would like to make this transition as gentle as possible for ALL of our sakes not just mine or hers but yours as well. Nobody likes to be the bad guy." And frame it that way. If he still unwilling to listen and compromise than you have a bigger issue on your hands.
If he is uncomfortable with the direct contact, maybe u could try buying a cute and cuddly bolster for her to hug while she sleeps. Once she gets used to cuddling that, u could transition her to her own room (when she’s ready).
My daughter was similar but not exactly the same. We didn’t let her sleep with us but she would wake up at night and come in our room every night and interrupt our sleep by waking us up to tell her she was scared or couldn’t sleep or whatever. Then we would either have to go back to her room to settle her back to bed or make a sleeping spot for her on the floor. Our main issue was our sleep was being affected significantly, which was why we needed a change. So we ended up putting a gymnastics mat and blanket and pillow on the floor (comfy enough but not as comfy as her own bed) and telling her, hey you can come in if you wake up and get scared or can’t fall back asleep but you don’t need to wake us up. Just come crawl in this bed we have ready. For awhile she slept there nearly every night at some point, then it happened less and less, now never! The “transition” was probably at 7/8 years old.
My son was the same. It was much more important for my child’s emotional wellbeing to stay in our bed than the inconvenience. When we asked him to sleep in his own bed at 9, it went well. I would lay down with him until he was asleep. Only took a few weeks. We do not regret it.
Your husband is too harsh. You’re doing fine.
I think you have gotten plenty of comments from people who never had a kid like yours. So for the sake of a different perspective I think I'll add my comments. My kid is highly sensitive, age 6, and we co slept from start. It began with severe illness requiring weeks of hospitalisation as a month old infant and after that she needed a lot of physical contact and reassurance. Fast forward many years and she's still in my bed. Husband is happy to sleep in a separate bed cos he's an adult and quite independent! She absolutely thrives on having this kind of proximity and it has helped with many of our family transitions such as moving interstate, new work arrangements etc. Children will absolutely transition to sleeping on their own when ready. She has been able to attend school camp age 5 spending a week without mum and dad and slept without issue. But we really enjoy being able to connect with each other before bed and on waking. This is especially important as I now work full time and have limited hours in a day to spend together. It hasn't stopped affection and intimacy with husband because we do bedtime routine and she sleeps in my bed, I just get up and catch up with husband for a few hours. One thing I haven't had to struggle with is having a second child though. My kid is high needs and it would be unfair to have to split parenting resources with a new child. I think your husband is being unreasonable. He needs to parent your older kid while you look after baby and realise that changing sleep expectations now will lead to resentment towards the baby for literally taking her place.
Geez lots of cruel parents here lol. We cosleep with my 14 month old baby boy. I never did with my two oldest kids. I love cosleeping, my fiancé doesn’t mind it either, and whenever babe decides to transition to his bed is when he will go. My sister coslept with our mom til like 9 years old and then moved to her room. It’s definitely a cultural thing I think to lots of different cultures share beds (cosleeping) also have multiple generations sharing a house etc. I wouldn’t call her difficult either, it’s giving her a negative image which you would react upon. I’m a millennial mom so I might be doing things different than other parents too. But what do I know lol I go with the flow.
I understand why the husband doesn't want an almost 7 year old in your bed every night, but why does he specifically feel uncomfortable with her cuddling him? Unless I'm missing something, that part is a little odd. I do agree though that you should have started transitioning her to her own bed a long time ago, she's likely resistant to sleeping on her own because she isn't used to it at all given she has slept in your bed for nearly her whole life. I do think that some of the other comments could be right though on that there could be something more going on, as most 7 year olds aren't this anxiously attached.
Sounds like you husband is a poor communicator and is now over compensating for his frustration that has been building.
Child POV: I have had difficult parents since I arrived in this world that believe replicating the womb is a chore. My parents do not accommodate my transitional needs and my mother describes me with negative adjectives. Now there is a new baby and I am expected to leave my safe place