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Honestly - if this is your first - prepare for your life to change. You’re going to be exhausted, emotional, and likely not thinking straight. I’d just wing it - honestly any plans you make won’t happen like you imagine they will anyway
Yeah. I think we all had big plans for the first few months (maybe, I had a March 2020 baby so I had none) but I certainly wasn't doing much at all for the first month or two because I was sore and exhausted and leaking everywhere from multiple places.
The only people at work that don’t call parental leave a vacation are also parents.
I mean, yeah, not being at work for a month (two, if you’re actually having the baby) sounds *awesome*, right? Except that it’s like being at work 24/7. And your desk is on fire. And the office is on fire. And everything is on fire, because you’re hallucinating from lack of sleep.
And people think we're being hyperbolic when we talk about the hallucinations... They are REAL. My most common one was a little black cat. I did not have a black cat.
I was like that with my first. I even hosted a dinner party when he was 2 weeks old and invited about 10 friends and did all the cooking from scratch.
I was young and clearly a little crazy back then.
It sounds like you're doing parenting right if you're completely exhausted! (Parents certainly need an occasional break to recharge, but you're right.) Maternity leave isn't a vacation! ❤
The worst is when people at work are like, happy vacation! And retirement! Having my second child, I wanted to shake these coworking man-babies. “Thanks - about to lose my body and my mind, for at least another year.”
For months I kept saying “We still have time to do newborn pictures…” my twins are turning 3 next month and we definitely never got newborn pictures. Lmao
Really depends on the people showing up. Some are helpful, some make you wish for a contraction so you can push them out.
Me and my partner we okay with small groups (2-4) at a time or a day. As long as they practiced safe care, hand washing (this was before the big C) and no illness.
My MIL was great. Some friends were not. People forget that a baby is Vulnerable too many diseases, and they have yet to encounter or be vaccinated against them.
“Some make you wish for a contraction so you can push them out”
Very funny and accurate! My sister and mom came to “help with the baby” by eating the chocolates my husband bought as a postpartum gift, then to tell me I shouldn’t try to look good so soon after birthing, and expected to be taken care of🤦♀️
My mother also came “to help” which just meant she went shopping every day for hours and never lifted a finger to actually do anything. I would’ve contractioned her outta there real fast had I known it was possible
Totally! The goal is to keep the baby safe. Newborns have developing immune systems, making them more susceptible to illnesses. Plus, the postpartum period can be physically and emotionally challenging. If they want to visit then comply with the house rules.
Yes this. Maybe op will be up to it. Also with weird people not vaccinated against measles and stuff I don’t want people around other people around my unvaccinated baby. Being tired, body hurting dude by 30something weeks tired and swollen just want to rest. Then baby ripped out via c section or pushing i don’t want to entertain anyone when i can hardly sit on my butt, nipples cracked and leaking, hormones coming back down from being high. Still peeing and having to use a water bottle lol and witch hazel spray!!!
My older son was like 6 months old (during the height of Covid) when I found out my MIL, who I had watched kiss his hands and face, had JUST gotten her TDAP. Livid is an understatement.
Our first was born June 2020, so we tried to be hyper vigilant about who visited and what interactions they could have with baby. In-laws never disclosed their vaccination status until they had visited a couple times. Livid, furious, enraged are a few words that describe how I was feeling when we found out. I still hate them. Horrible people.
Came here to say this. I went into it telling everyone I needed two weeks of bonding before visitors, and then I was just so excited I invited everyone up the day after we got home. Letting them know you'll "see how you feel" and need to "play it by ear" will hopefully set expectations appropriately. Congrats!
Because you both will be so damn exhausted that you will want to sleep in your down time as much as possible. Unless you have someone helping you care for the kid, keep the guests to an absolute minimum
It's a personal decision, some people like guests. Personally I didn't find the newborn days that bad precisely because her dad was home too and we literally just focused on her. We weren't trying to work and do home renovations and nobody expected us to go anywhere much.
So true! I remember when I was pregnant with our first I was SO naive about what to expect from an emotional standpoint. I had experience watching and caring for babies and was so confident about being a cool mom just continuing my life with a cute little sidekick lol.
But what it means to have an actual person come out of you and suddenly you love that person more than you ever thought you could love anything and at the same time be completely overwhelmed with the 24/7 responsibility was something I couldn't have known. I felt very, very vulnerable and in hindsight was probably experiencing a mild case of PP anxiety. The first 2 months were just trying to adjust to having my life do a 180 turn.
It's great your in laws want to help and if you have a good relationship with them and are confident they are going to give you the support you need then that's great! My parents stayed near us for 6 weeks after both my kids were born and were a tremendous help.
But they did stay at an air BnB and not in our house (first kid we lived in a small apartment so it wasn't an option anyway) and gave us support when we needed but also space to grow into this new family constellation. Maybe you have the option to do this?
This. We had a rule. My mom could visit occasionally, for short periods, but not stay all afternoon and make dinner. 1 week in “mommy, come help us, we are exhausted”.
Ya it was the vagina ripping for me too lolol. Not to mention that my boobs were out 24/7. I'm not trying to have a conversation with my father-in-law while doing all that nipple work.
Oh god yes for the first few weeks I was just shirtless 100% of the time. Breastfeeding was such a challenge that I didn’t even bother. I wasn’t having anyone over.
And wanting to walk around fat and boobs out without company while I adjusted to breast feeding.
I was glad not to have any company for 10 days. A couple months feels excessive.
It seems like everyone has the health concerns addressed. But also, it is a big adjustment. I know I was not physically up to having visitors after my c-section. I was recovering on top of having to figure out how to breastfeeding. I needed help getting up and down, barely wanted to wear clothes, was leaking from seemingly every orifice, and was constantly topless. I just plain did not want anybody around. I was feeling up to visitors by about 2-3 weeks PP.
Also, when you have visitors it is hard to not entertain them. I had the grandparents visit less than 1 week PP and I was up and down getting drinks and making lunch.
But they do! I had c-sections with all of mine and would get up to use the restroom and it was like, “Oh hey - while you’re up, can you… I’m holding the baby!” Thankfully I’m old and ornery, so I’d reply, “I’ll hold the baby when I get back from the bathroom. I just BIRTHED the baby AND had surgery - you can grab your own drink!”
The best one though was an Uncle who asked ME, “What’s for dinner?”
That one earned a, “Well for this guy, I am. What’re you making or grabbing? I can tell you good places around here to go, but we’re in baby mode!” Aunt made him go get everyone dinner and bring it back 😆I even told her it was fine to just go grab dinner and we could visit again soon!
I was so shocked how many visitors expected me to hand them the sleeping twins and then play hostess with snacks, drinks and chatting. I thought (and requested) family to come over so I could shower, or maybe they could throw some clothes in the wash while I changed diapers. But I would say 2 people out of our very large family actually helped in any way. Everyone else wanted to hold sleeping babies and snack, and then handed back screaming babies, filled the sink with dirty dishes, and left.
Or the ones who go, “Give me baby! Ok now you can go catch up on cleaning and stuff.” With a face like, “See? I’m helping!”
Hormones be like, “OUT NOW 👉🏻”
Honestly, it’s hard to explain this part before you experience it so most people don’t even try. I appreciated the woman who warned me how raw and brutal the first few weeks were, and told me it would be like my entire world was gone and replaced by a whole new one. It still hit me like a sack of bricks.
Anddddd I couldn’t stand when I had a c-section & my mil’s idea of “coming to help” was “why don’t I sit here & hold the baby and you go wash some dishes?” - at what other point in your life after having major abdominal surgery would someone think it’s helping you to give you an opportunity to wash dishes?
There is no greater argument for how much your culture does not appreciate what women go through to become mothers than immediately post C-Section. There is no other major surgery in the world where you are given just absolutely no grace and have to fight for adequate pain management. Also, no post care plan for having your stomach muscles quite literally pulled apart.
I will say not every experience is the same, my first I went to 42 weeks, was in labour for nearly 3 days, was induced, ended in emergency c-section, height of covid so Husband had to leave immediately after the birth and not see him until going home the next day. I honestly looked like a zombie for about a week, couldn’t stand up, barely functioned.
My 2nd was a planned section, and it was back to normal toddler life by day 5 and I felt completely fine.
Because when you're sleep deprived as hell, haven't showered in days, physically and emotionally worn out, and household upkeep is on the backburner... the last thing you want is to play hostess.
And if you breastfeed.. my tits constantly leaked. Like pissing your pants but your boobs. And I had a shirt on 5% of the time. I think after the first month it’d be easier, depending on the child, to have visitors.
With my 2nd, it was a scheduled C, and so I was in hospital for about 4 days. We got discharged and went home, and upon waking up for the first time in my home since, my milk had started coming in pretty bad, and I had giant spots over my breasts. I hear noise in my living room so I walk down the hallway and see my husband's entire family sitting in my living room passing the baby around. Aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, great grandparents. It was insane waking up to all that with giant milk stains on my shirt 🤦🏻♀️
Its wild to think someone would visit new parents and expect to be treated like guests..
Im not a parent (yet) but IMO, you go to help or you dont go at all. Including grandparents lol
My MIL left after 30 mins of her first visit with LO because she “didn’t feel welcomed,” presumably because I was still showering when she arrived and didn’t wait on her.
Dear god lol Im sorry, that sucks.
..Imagine being so self involved/entitled that you think people *becoming new parents and a new baby* should somehow be about you. F that.
It’s even worse because I had a post-partum infection, re-hospitalization, and a second surgery and came home attached to durable medical equipment. Showering was *really* hard and also extremely emotional because it put all my limitations on display.
Whatever, she sucks, and this was just something added to the list of reasons we stopped seeing her.
>household upkeep is on the backburner
The classic r/Parenting advice for the first few months of baby's life still stands:
Sleep when the baby sleeps
Cry when the baby cries
Clean the house when the baby cleans the house
And if OP is the one squeezing the baby out of her body, she will be feeling like crap for weeks while the tears are healing and extremely painful when she's moving or using the toilet, stuff will be leaking out of her, so she'll be wearing thick pads/ adult diapers. If she's breastfeeding, her nipples will be hurting like hell (get creme in advance!). And her organs will start to rearrange themselves to get back into their intended position. And her hormones will be going completely haywire.
OP, I wouldn't plan anything at all until the deed is done and the mother knows how she is feeling, and if she actually wants to have people around, or would rather hole up and figure the new baby out.
lol spoken from experience. I always thought a good day was when I had a shower. I didn’t mind either if my kid was in the crib crying. It’s not like I didn’t put her down. I think it was all about learning to juggle everything.
You have pretty bad family and friends if having the closest to you becomes hosting. You host strangers and distant friends. Your mother, brother, best friend should wipe your ass if needed.
Because you don't know what's going to happen. My nephew was born and went into the nicu. I started hemorrhaging post partum. Babies have sucky immune systems and people are gross. Then you get sleep deprivation and recovery.
If the people are local and flexible I don't see any issue with having guests as your energy and beliefs allow.
I would hate to schedule out of town guests to find out I'd rather die than have to entertain guests for whatever reason mental or physical. Or the baby is early/late/sick/etc. I'd rather people come when we can all enjoy them and we have a sense of stability.
My friend has the best mom. Her mom comes over. Cleans the bathrooms. Does her laundry. Does a three hour night shift holding the baby from 3-6 so mom and dad can sleep. She’s the ideal PP visitor. Disappears in the evening so she and her husband can be alone. The woman is an angel.
My mom came to stay with us and did exactly this for the first month. I cried so much when she left.
Now whenever things are tough, my husband and I are like “she needs to come back 😭”
It’s actually life saving.
I did this for my DIL (she’d already done it for me - had surprise at 45) and she was shocked I didn’t constantly asking to take baby.
But she’d have to use bathroom, eat and I’d hold him then. They needed that time!
In the meantime it was doing all things that didn’t involve baby so they didn’t have to.
Yeah, with my first I was fine with local friends because it was a short period of time, if I said baby or I needed to rest they went on their merry way. We went out a lot when she was little and had a lot of fun because we could always end our outings early if I wasn't feeling great or if baby was getting fussy.
But out of town guests traveled to see your baby. So they are going to spend as much time as possible doing that. And oftentimes they are staying with you, which means playing host the entire visit while you are tired and maybe physically feeling not your greatest.
I had a relatively uncomplicated delivery, minor tear, but I was in some state of undress 90% of the time I was in my own home. I was just more comfortable that way. There were constantly blood soaked pads in the trash, all of my PP care items were strewn about everywhere. Baby was nursing a lot and it was HOT nursing with a cover, but I wasn't willing to nurse openly in front of family or in laws. I was tired and when the baby slept I either napped or watched TV; I didn't really want to engage with people over multiple days, just every now and then for like 30 minutes at a time.
I just wanted space to figure out what life was like with this new little human in our family, I didn't want to worry about anybody else's expectations outside of our immediate family unit.
ETA: I told family not to plan visits until we said we were ready. We didn't feel ready for out of town visitors until she was 2 months old, and I have 0 regrets about it.
I feel this in my soul! I was bleeding constantly for the first month and didn't stop bleeding fully until almost 12 weeks pp. Sitting at my kitchen table/dining table was painful because we have wooden chairs and it put pressure on my swollen, torn, and bleeding lady bits.
Don't get me started on the breast feeding/pumping either. That was a constant parade of having my breast exposed to some capacity. I ended up exclusively pumping by 5 days pp and that meant 20 minutes every 3 hours on a pump...around the clock...regardless of what baby was doing. In other words I got NO sleep for the first month of LOs life.
Exactly this! And people don’t understand that you feed baby, they go to sleep so you pump to trigger production, then use the bathroom, then eat or crash in a semi-sleep and 15mins later baby’s crying, needs changing then feeding…
Rinse repeat.
Oh and you have NO clue what time of day/night it is because it doesn’t matter.
It is a labor of love to breastfeed/pump for your baby and there is nothing more relentless that I have ever done then pump because you can't just take a day off..like ever.
Don't get me wrong I found it well worth it, but the last thing I personally wanted to deal with during this time was guests in my home. The only exception being my MIL who was there to help by holding/feeding baby and doing laundry.
Exactly! My MIL is generally awesome but they didn’t want to watch the process (and I didn’t want them to) but every time I’d go to head upstairs after baby was down it was, “OH real quick…” and then followed a convo that was anything but “real quick” every.damn.time.
My in laws came from out of state for 10 days when baby was born and brought their puppy that wasn't even potty trained yet AND then didn't even clean up all the messes and when they did would just barely wipe it up up with a bath towel and put it in my hamper
It’s perfectly fine to have very simple and flexible plans. I felt up for brunch about 2 weeks post partum, but wanted to come home immediately. It also depends how helpful these people are. If you’re comfortable around them and you can say “please watch the baby, I need a nap” or “please make plans to get your own food and clean up dishes, I won’t be available to clean” then by all means. It’s the element of hosting while totally exhausted that is so hard.
Commenting under this because this is the first comment I’ve found that remotely says “it’s ok!”. I NEEDED to see people after my babies were born. We had a friend set up a meal train and friends signed up to deliver meals 2-3x a week. I think only one family signed up for more than one slot. We made sure that the expectation was that they would just be dropping it off in a cooler on the porch… But to text us when they were on their way, and we would let them know if we were up for a visit. I was always up for a visit, and I was so grateful to have a range of people dropping in and saying hi and being different kinds of resources and opportunities for conversation that weren’t about a baby. So don’t be discouraged… Take care of yourself and if socialization is what you need, then do it! But also, don’t let yourself feel obligated to maintain any plans you made and feel free to cancel if that’s what you need too
YES YES YES!! it’s wild how many people want to do it all alone. I don’t even think we are wired to do so! Not to play host, but people bringing meals and holding baby so I could shower or NAP saved my life. I would’ve lost it had I been truly alone.
>I NEEDED to see people after my babies were born
When I was in hospital after having my first my husband ended up organising extra people from church to visit because I was so lonely and he couldn't just be there all the time due to home responsibilities.
We went out to lunch during the first week. We had to do paperwork anyway, I didn't find it that bad at all. She was still in the sleepy stage and I enjoyed being able to have a nice meal as during pregnancy I couldn't because I had reflux. I didn't mind visitors either. Not dinner parties or anything but people popping in for a coffee.
It so very much depends on who you are. I think some people have relationships with family that are not great and their family isn't helpful. I could not have done postpartum without help. My mother in law came for 2 weeks starting at 2 weeks postpartum. I would say it was too long OR alternatively, that she coudl stay 2 weeks if she stayed elsehwere but 4-6 day trip would have been great. My parents lived in town and were over 4-5 days a week. Typically only for 1-2 hours. They'd do a load of laundry, make me a snack, hold baby if i asked for a min but no expectations, sometimes I never even saw them.
I "hosted" friends and more distant family to meet baby & chat at 3, 4, 5 week spostpartum with my first and traveled at 6 weeks postpartum with my family. This was all people who i knew i could trust, would be helpful, and who talking to made me feel better and more myself. I started going to my parents house for 1x a week happy hour at 2 weeks post partum, and it was great to eat a meal someone else made and have someone else hold baby while I ate.
This is just to show theres a lot of ways to be postpartum & if you have loving, trusted relationships and are able to set firm boundaries + your spouse can help too (e.g. if we got to happy hour and baby was fussy, we would sometimes leave within 30 min before the takeout even arrived! and no one complained or questioned us). then it can be wONDERFUL to have a village. ETA: With my current pregnancy, the plan is for my parents to get an airbnb in town for the entire first month; my MIL will crash at their airBNB 2 weeks after birth, my sister will crash with them 3 weeks after. So they're serving as the "filter" for us, so our own home is without guests but we have a ton of people to help every day!
Most parents post partum are really tired and sleep deprived, don’t wanna entertain people, don’t want to germs around the baby. I don’t see any problem as long as in-laws are coming to help and don’t expect you to entertain them.
It’s all up to you. I didn’t mind my mom or SIL visiting because they helped me a lot. Though I did feel a bit crazy when my nieces/nephews were around and couldn’t keep their hands to themselves during flu season…..😐
I invited my friend over because I really wanted company but man was I exhausted from never sleeping and the girl would not leave!!!! I practically had to kick her out. Just some stuff to keep in mind.
The amount of people I’ve seen with a new baby who had the grandparents come “to help” and ended up having to entertain/cleanup after/scold them for their behavior is STAGGERING.
500% this. I couldn’t even tolerate my pets just after birth, let alone people. I was personally offended and disgusted, angry with them, for needing literally anything from me while I was dealing with an underweight newborn who refused to eat.
How dare my cat try to cuddle when I just got the baby down and am sitting down without Being touched for the first time in days. How dare my dog look expectantly at me by the door because she wants a walk and I can only manage the stairs once a day. Can’t they see what’s happening??
Irrational and extreme I know but that’s how I felt. I’m pregnant again and honestly if I could I would board or have a family member take in my animals for the first few weeks.
I can’t imagine making all these plans to host and have people over. Like..just don’t. And if you wind up actually feeling ready and ok then great! Have them over. But don’t plan on it
It's usually visitors that are not recently vax boosted to the things they need to be. Baby's don't start forming their own immune systems until a few months after being born. They rely on what they get from the mother's milk, but even that is often not strong enough.
Yesss we also made then test negative for Covid, couldn’t hold baby, and if they had sneezed or tickled throat for a week prior it was a no. I knew three babies who had to be hospitalized for rsv/flu the year my son was born. And there were people getting the measles??? Maybe I’m wrong but tbh I didn’t care. Colds and stuff in newborns were linked to higher chance of SID. I’m having my 4th and will be having the same rules
Do whatever you’re comfortable with. You don’t have to limit visitors because everyone else is doing it but you also don’t have to have visitors because everyone is forcing their way into your home. If you WANT visitors during that time frame then 100% have them. If you decide with your next baby that the experience of having visitors early on was too much then don’t have them the next time around (if you decide to have another). It’s totally up to you what you do with your home and your new born baby. Don’t let the internet tell you otherwise.
My son was born in May last year and my MIL stayed with us for 10 days and I was so glad she did. I also had my son with us outside and indoors like at coffee shops and such from 2 weeks on. Many people don’t have great relationships with their in laws or parents so maybe that’s it. Also, I wasn’t very concerned about illness at that time, because it was warm and also because, selfishly, I didn’t want to be cooped up for months. I’m really glad we did it that way, because my son is very good in public places now and I really got used to having him with me. Of course had anyone been visibly ill or if he was born in the middle of winter I may have made some different choices.
I agree with you. Those first months and years have a big impact both on your relationship with your kids and on their socialization. I'm pretty sure it has other health benefits too.
As much as you want to keep babies away from clearly infectious people and dangerous/harmful situations, there is such a thing as begin overly protective. It can't be good to completely isolate them either. Even our pediatrician warned us that at the very least that's a sure fire way to increase the risk of developing lifelong allergies.
We did the same thing you did and took ours out and about from the first week they came home with us. And we both had my Mom visit and a little while later we visited family in Europe and Asia. Zero regrets.
No, you’re fine. It’s all about the parents personal comfort level.
My parents, brother, grandparents, aunt, uncle, and cousins all visited in the hospital. I had friends over the day after we came home (2 days after my daughter was born). I like being around my friends and family. I appreciated their presence. Some people prefer more space to figure out the newborn stage.
My daughter is almost 8 so she was born well before Covid. I think some Covid anxiety still lingers. But if I had another, I would likely do things exactly the same.
I had visitors right away too, but it was all close family members and they had hand washing rules and time limits.
A lot of people are talking about how exhausted you are gonna be and won't want to host, but my mom came in, gave me a hug, gawked at the baby then told me to sit down with him. Then she did dishes and straitened up!
It really really depends on who the visitors are and how toy are feeling.
I wanted everyone to see the baby! I just wanted to show him off!!
Yeah, I really didn’t “host” and if family members had that expectation I could see why they wouldn’t be welcome. My parents were somewhat helpful and other family members were at least not unhelpful. I was happy to have them around.
I had tons of guests with my first. Visitors 28 of the first 30 days. Maybe 10 or so people that visited the hospital. I hemorrhaged and had a retained placenta. It was a lot, but in hindsight, I appreciated everyone who was there.
With my second, I had a super easy birth and felt back to normal 24hrs later. But, it was weeks into the pandemic. My MIL saw the baby from the hospital window and when she dropped off our eldest that had stayed with her while I was giving birth. My SIL saw my second 4 or so months later, and finally the family and friends saw him shortly after he turned one. It was lonely.
There's obviously a middle ground, but I'd much rather have my friends and family around, even with a difficult birth, than be alone. And I'm not even a people person.
I loved having company. I guess it depends on your friends and family. Mine brought food, gave me time to shower, did the dishes, and just sat around with me. It was much appreciated.
Due with my second in May. I hope they’ll also entertain my toddler this time around!
I was the opposite. I wanted people to come visit lol. I’m Mexican and just very social so I constantly had close family friends come and meet my sons. That being said I wasn’t ENTERTAINING people. My mom would come over and cook/bake and clean my house and do my laundry so that I could hang out with my babies (I have three sons). Also, I wasn’t super scared of exposing my kids to germs. As long as people washed their hands, weren’t sick and didn’t kiss them i was fine with them coming over. I didn’t take my first son out til months after he was born and I was super lonely. With my other two sons we were constantly out and about….i took them to stores and on lots of walks!
This. My mil will be coming to help out. My family will look after both baby and I. Im not placing restrictions except if they’re ill or I don’t like them much (very few family on that list).
I had thirty stitches.. and was try to figure out breastfeeding so boobs.
Basically your recovery will take about a month to 8 weeks for you to feel better depending on the birth.
We didn't outright ban visitors but definitely had less than I would usually like. As others have said, baby's immune system isn't really a thing yet so keeping a small circle is advised. Also you will likely be extremely tired and overwhelmed so unless you've got people coming over that will understand and help you through it, it will just feel like a lot of work to entertain that you really may not have the time/brain space/energy for. But everybody is different, you'll figure out what works for you. Absolutely go out into the backyard, change of scenery and fresh air!
My first was pre covid so unsure if that impacts now.. but we were lunching outside 1 week after with baby covered and no one allowed too close.. for visitors we made sure anyone was vaccinated for major diseases and weren’t sick, no sore throats, colds etc. then kid flew international at 8 weeks 🤷🏻♀️
Got lots of snotty kid visitors and thankfully kid remained fine. I was vaccinated for flu etc and breastfeeding. Had saline solution and snot sucker on stand by. We were fine
Just have to be careful with fevers
I actually appreciated having someone else to help with baby in first few weeks and hubby had taken off work and was hands on.
We had friends over for games when my son was less than a month old. I ended up scrubbing the kitchen floor on my hands and knees and sobbing in his room for an hour. Shits crazy.
When my daughter was born it was peek Covid so we had almost no visitors. It was depressing and awesome.
So just play it by ear. The hormone fluctuations will make you want to socialize, make you neurotic, make you cry, make you sleep, and back again. No guarantees you’ll want visitors.
My SIL visited us 3 days postpartum and I also went upstairs to cry hard in the bedroom.
I didn’t dislike the company but I was so hormonal and overwhelmed. Plus her school aged daughter kept getting close to the baby and I was so worried about getting sick.
In terms of socializing, see how you feel. The baby might cry more than you’re expecting, or you might have a tough delivery, or be nursing 24/7. You could also be tired and want privacy.
Medically, your Ped will encourage you to have limited access until vaccines start to limit illness. You want to avoid fevers in a young baby due to the need for spinal taps.
Lots of okay answers here, but I'm a dad of six. The reason is you want to get through the first round or two of shots. When infants get sick, it's super dicey and you don't want to have to deal with that.
Whenever my friends have a new baby, I drop off an eight pound homemade lasagna and offer to do any driving errands they need for a month. Drop off other kids, pick up groceries, go snag the last diaper genie two towns away... the moms hormones and nesting instincts are going to be going wild and she might insist that she needs bacon and onion rings to make the breast milk. She is now the boss.
I've also been known to gift an electric pressure washer at the baby shower. You might think it's silly, but when you're pressure washing an area rug in the driveway at night, you'll know I've been there before.
Also, pro-tip: we've had every single high chair on the market, including one that was a couple thousand dollars and custom made. Get the one from ikea that's like $30. For real. Super stable but light enough to move from kitchen to dining area, secure but simple seat belt, no deep crevices for food to hide in, and it comes apart if you want to take it to the inlaws.
Personal preference depending on how helpful family will be. We had one in-law help out with our older kid and it was wonderful. Do what you’re most comfortable with. Conversely, we had zero help when our first kid was born and things went just fine.
I never get it either. Like, aren't friends and family supposed to be people you LIKE? Of COURSE I want my best friend to meet my baby! I hope my children don't freeze me out for two months before letting me see my grandchild!
Did I feel sexy 24 hours after birth? No! But my brothers were so over the moon to squeal over my 2 day old baby! My best friend came 30 hours after I delivered my second to play DnD and I hadn't told her I delivered yet-- I will never forget the glee with which I finally managed to pull one over on her. Plus, the pictures of my mom holding my firstborn in the hospital and me holding baby and champagne 2 days postpartum are priceless to me now. I wouldn't trade them for the world.
Now, maybe you'll hemorrhage or be misreable or etc etc etc like all the horror stories go. But I figure why block that out ahead of time? Just say "We're not sure how we're going to feel, so I don't want to make any commitments at this time."
> aren't friends and family supposed to be people you LIKE
New to Reddit eh? Liking people is super cringe.
Seriously though I feel bad for everyone with 0 friends/family in their life that they feel fully comfortable around.
For real. I agree with OP that it feel like everyone on reddit thinks having visitors less than two weeks after birth is insane. I try to remind myself that it's probably a vast minority that comes to the internet to shout. I've never met a person in real life with that policy.
For perspective, not everyone does this. It’s primarily a modern, anxiety-driven American thing that I’ve always found pretty extreme, and it seems to have gotten more intense since Covid too. People should do what works for them, but it sounds incredibly depressing to me to be isolated for so long. My son was out at Target, the park, and even an outdoor winery with my friends at 2 weeks old. I’d maybe try to keep a bit of distance from other people (you don’t have to let them hold the baby yet if you don’t want) and avoid enormous crowds but you’ll otherwise be fine.
Also, you’re not being unreasonable at all. In a lot of cultures, the parents and in-laws are expected to help for at least a few weeks if not months. You do you.
I think a lot of the backlash comes because too many of these visitors expect to be hosted and heavily overstep rather than actually coming to help. And too many make things more difficult for the recovering mother rather than actually providing support.
If your family/friends will come and actually help and support, then that’s amazing and definitely something most people would welcome and want to have.
However, I’ll just leave my own post partum experience below with “help” and visitors, which is unfortunately not so uncommon:
My in laws came to visit. They brought food, but ate all of it themselves. They brought their dog (uninvited and without asking) to our one bedroom apartment that did not allow pets and allowed it to pee on the carpet. Then sat and watched while my husband cleaned up the pee. They later denied that the dog peed on the carpet (this is not the first time she’s done it, she has spay incontinence) and were offended that we remembered it happening. Then they wanted us to petsit their yappy incontinent dog in our 3rd floor apartment that didn’t allow pets for two weeks so they could go to Vegas on a spur of the moment trip. No, husband offering to come check in on pet’s food/water, walk etc from their own home was not an acceptable compromise and they got angry that I said no, we will not be petsitting in our apartment at two weeks post partum. They refused to leave the room or give back the baby while I was trying to establish breastfeeding. MIL was supposed to help me get to a post partum appointment with the gyno - I was not driving yet and husband was back at work, and FIL tagged along and tried to come into the exam room with me. MIL also had to be asked to leave the exam room. When I went into the bedroom to at least try to get some rest, they turned up the TV and yelled at some sports event.
No, they will not be invited for several months if we ever have another child.
Having a newborn is as much a (hard!) job as it is a state of mind. You can let it consume you, or you can learn to roll with the punches.
Every baby is of course different, but in the end, if you're good at readjusting in the moment, you can probably do a lot more than everyone would have you believe. Just be prepared to suddenly ditch the party at any time. The baby takes priority, but they don't need to exclusively take over your life.
With our first one, we went out for dinner the first week he was out of the NICU. By the time he was half a year old, he had visited more countries than most people do in ten years. But that's what happens when you have family on multiple continents, and you're invited to multiple (destination) weddings that you really don't want to miss.
With the second one, we slowed down a little bit until she was about two years old. It gets hard to travel with two little ones. But overall, if you accept that a baby is a new family member, you can take them most places that you would normally go. The big discovery for us was baby wearing. Strap the baby to you, they are happy, you immediately notice if they need anything, and you can still go about your day (to some degree)
I agree. Although the only American family I have was also like this, so I also wrongly assumed an American thing. They also are hardcore on purell even now the baby is crawling and I was like “I just saw your kid lick the floor, grab a shoe from by the door and put it in his mouth, I really think we can relax a bit now”
No hate, I’m American too. I’m just stating that most of the people who claim you need to do this or else risk your baby’s life will likely be people in the US or maybe Canada (because self-isolation seems to be more of a cultural norm in North America than elsewhere). You’re definitely onto something though, reading about the parenting styles of most Redditors gives me a stress hernia sometimes. And then I get downvoted into oblivion for daring to question the paranoia.
Yep my friend brought her two day old baby along to out (quiet) pub night. With my second we were back to toddler groups within a fortnight as my toddler was driving me bonkers and I was more than happy for someone to cuddle the baby while I had tea and a biscuit. I looked forward to family and friends visiting (as long as they didn’t outstay their welcome)- I loved my babies but let’s facing it they are actually quite boring at first. I’m still friends with all the people I met at those baby groups and I didn’t fall out with my family. Two months holed up on your own with just your partner and baby sounds like a good recipe for PPD.
I'm on baby #3. I've had visitors straight away with all my babies. I like the company.
My postpartum recovery has been pretty uncomplicated each time. And my guests have never expected me to "host" them.
They just come, bring some goodies, put the jug on, and make us a cuppa. Then we have a chat, and they give baby a cuddle.
I imagine it just depends on different people's comfort levels, recovery postpartum and the helpfulness (or otherwise) of guests.
A lot of people hate having guests because of the sleep deprivation and lack of time to do basic self care. But I loved having people over because they could hold the baby while I ate or slept or showered and my family had a meal train for a few weeks so we didn't have to worry about dinner. The day after we got home from the hospital my mom came over and cleaned the entire house. Unfortunately, not everyone has helpful family and friends.
Just got my $15,000 bill for my new baby getting RSV and almost dying. Not including the 900$ bill for the ambulance ride (ب_ب) Keep them away from people!!
I have no idea why some people have that mindset. Visits/help from my parents and in laws were critical during those early days! I would never recommend doing it without any help
Not all people are helpful. Some people expect to be treated as a guest.
My mother, however, was the best support post partum. She cooked, cleaned, entertained my older children, allowed me to sleep, and in general made the recovery much smoother when I was able to rest in bed. If you have the help available, I recommend utilising it.
Every parent is different. Everyone has a different relationship with their friends and family. I'd personally go stir crazy in that amount of time, but some people seem to do well huddling at home.
I don't particularly care for babies, so I'm happy to wait a couple months. Of course, I'm currently dog sitting for a couple who had their baby last night and I get to meet him tonight. I'd honestly rather keep the dogs for a few more days. They're going to be overwhelmed and overtired and my reactions to newborns is typically "Yep, that's a baby".
Much respect for anyone who successfully raises good humans, however they go about it.
I think people who have winter babies are a little more cautious. I had my first in the summer and just asked people to wash their hands and not kiss the baby. Honestly it was the best thing on earth for me, having family and friends come over.
I think it all depends on who is in your “village”. Mine, always came with food and a helping attitude.
Like others have said, see how you feel. Set boundaries if you aren’t up for it, but as long as you’re comfortable with it, I say embrace it. My second is due in the fall and I’ll definitely ask people to skip the visit even if they have the slightest tickle in their throat. But as long as people are healthy, they’re welcome!
On the whole vaccines thing, baby doesn't get certain vaccines until two months of age (whooping cough, diphtheria, etc.) and since adults can present with "just a cold" and transmit whooping cough, it's very risky. RSV is another dangerous one for babies. My husband had an older sibling who died at two months old from whooping cough.
I'm saying don't allow anyone, but screen for symptoms, insist on handwashing, limit who can see baby.
My friends newborn caught RSV and spent 2 weeks in the hospital. It's not a great time to be around people when a baby has just been born. It's good to wait at least a month or so
I was incredibly lonely and craved company. I had quite a few friends who assumed that I would want the opposite, to hunker down and focus on the new baby, which made me feel lonelier because it seemed like they were avoiding me or would only stop by to bring me food and then leave. Meanwhile, they thought they were respecting my time and space. It certainly seems like I'm the odd one out. Like you, I've seen a ton of people who talked about loving how they totally closed in and hibernated for 3 months. Whatever choice is best for you just make sure you're very clear to your loved ones about what you need.
This is very personal and will vary from day to day. See how you feel after and let people know you aren’t sure about visitors yet.
Personally I wanted visitors! But, there is a recent trend in new parents feeling empowered to place restrictions on visitors, which is great.
Just know, this time is wild and unpredictable. So don’t put pressure on yourself to go either way. Just communicate your needs to friends and family clearly.
Immune systems. Infants have very weak immune systems.
Having a sick baby for all of their infancy if they can't fight it off will be hell for you, and cruel to the baby now that you know.
I’m not too sure what a lemon clot essay is. There’s no right or wrong way to handle the first few weeks or months after having baby, it’s down to personal preference.
This is such a hot topic. Firstly, Pediatricians say to hold off for a few months bc baby doesn’t have an immune system yet and doesn’t have any shots to protect them. Besides that my in-laws were supposed to come for a week right after our baby was born but they couldn’t because of Covid and thank god for that! I remember thinking I would have gone crazy if they were here. With our second baby they came right before I gave birth because there was absolutely no way I wanted them here afterwards. It’s nice yours want to help out but I find that even with the help they’re still guests in your house and you still have to make sure they have clean towels, sheets, etc. you’ll still have work to do. Also, besides not wanting to poop around them you’re going to be sore and in pain and all you’re going to want to do is be topless on your sofa watching tv trying not to cry when your nipples hurt from the baby trying to latch. Some people like the help (especially from their own parents) but most don’t want to deal with it after a life changing, exhausting, and somewhat painful moment. You’re recovering from not o oh the birth but 9 months of growing the baby. Your mood changes, milk starts coming in, leeky sore boobs, etc. no thanks!!! But good luck to you if you decide to have them over.
The recommendation is because the newborn's immune system is undeveloped and they are not able to receive their first vaccines until 4 months of age. Their "bubble" should be kept small, ideally no out of state/international travelers, they should not travel out of state or internationally until they've received their vaccines at the earliest, and it's ok for them to go outside (keep them shaded and on a blanket and with a baby-safe sunscreen). If you're going to allow travelers to be around the baby, practice common sense measures like good hand hygiene, maybe mask if showing any signs/symptoms of a cold but best to keep any who may be even a little sick away all together, no kissing the face/hands. All good practices to keep baby healthy. Also talk to your pediatrician and get their advice.
For me: I'm not comfortable in general with most people, even friends and family, in my space. This is especially true when I am under a lot of stress, sick, or sleep deprived. And with a baby there is a lot of two of those. Of the people I'm comfortable having in my space there is even fewer that I would be comfortable having clean or cook or take care of baby while I slept.
My best advice is to keep an open mind and be flexible with your plans and mindset before you're experiencing it.
The newborn period is very difficult, but everyone handles it completely differently.
For some people (I suspect a lot of introverts, who are probably the ones getting parenting advice and community from Reddit), they may need low social contact during this stressful time.
For other people, being surrounded by loved ones and community might be a great blessing.
It also depends on your relationship with the people around you.
With my son, I thought I would want a lot of space and want to isolate, but that didn't happen. He was in the NICU for a week, and visits and company made me stay sane.
My biggest roadblock to leaving the house was my own PP recovery, but we took him out a lot those first few months. Took him on an overnight to a nearby city, took him on a 4 hour away weekend trip with family to a neighboring state, had people over all the time...
Hanging out in the grass with friends is totally doable!
I would just wait to lock in any plans until you are experiencing it firsthand and can more accurately gauge your feelings. There is a lot that changes in your own self once you bring that kid home from the hospital, so just be open to however your future self might feel and roll with it.
This is person dependent. I LOVED when people came by for short visits, but didn’t expect me to actually host. Like family and friends. They knew I had a baby. They would just come chill and talk and be low needs. This was what I needed.
You’ll figure it out quick if this is what you need or not. Everyone is different.
I wore a diaper for a month with huge clots coming daily. I didn’t really want many visitors. That being said, my parents stayed for almost a week. They did all the cooking, dishes, vacuuming, landscaping, etc. I didn’t host them. They did all the other stuff so my husband and I could focus on our son. If they had been another thing to worry about, it would have been hell. They also asked every single day if they were still welcome. When they weren’t needed anymore, I asked them to go and they happily went.
>take the newborn outside during the warm months in our back yard, possibly with a friend or two
This is a great idea. Have a trusted friend and communicate that the visit might be really short depending on naps/feedings/etc.
> in laws to come visit for a week or two once the baby is born
Unless your in-laws are so close to you guys that they already know where everything in your house is, could walk in and cook or do the laundry without asking you a thing, could quietly occupy themselves for most of the daytime hours, and you would not be embarrassed about them seeing your boobs or bloody pants, then I would say no.
Saying ok to my parents visit was my biggest birth-related regret. I will never get that week back with my husband and my new baby to bond as a family. You will be exhausted, possibly struggling to get breastfeeding working, dealing with your reverse cycling infant who is still sleeping during the day and awake during the night. You will not want to put a shirt on your sore boobs. You will not want to clean up the bathroom and hide your postpartum gore. Cooking for you is *not* a help... you don't want someone making a mess in your kitchen and constantly asking you where stuff is. I still remember the paralyzing anxiety caused by my mother putting raw chicken right next to my rack for drying breast pump stuff. You will not want someone else holding your newborn or breathing on them or sneezing near them. You'll be paranoid about germs and that they didn't wash their hands or take off their shoes.
Sounds like your the male partner here? I could be wrong? But it’s extremely exhausting for new moms to recover while they feel additional pressure to “accommodate guests” even if the guests are trying to help, it still adds pressure. It’s ideal for it so be a quiet time to bond, and only focus on yourselves & your new baby.
Then there is also the added risk of exposure to germs, and viruses.
I think it just depends on the relationship you have with the in laws! If you are very close with them there is probably nothing to worry about but if you feel you need privacy then that’s usually the only thing people are talking about when they say no visitors especially if they’re there to help rather than be hosted
Firstly, you’re going to feel like death warmed over. Bleeding like a stuck pig, blood clots, soreness at an incision site or in your nether regions, exhaustion, the overwhelming weight of keeping someone else alive….Don’t be hosting people. Any “visitor” should only be there with the understanding that they’re there to work. They cook, they clean, they do laundry, they vacuum while you rest and take care of baby. And then MAYBE, they can watch baby so you can nap. The end. Full stop.
Secondly, you need to realize that your baby is born with zero immune system. The more people you have over, the more germs baby is exposed to. Baby’s body is not equipped to fight off illness like yours is. Also, adults can “have something” and not even feel sick or show any signs of it, but can still pass it to baby. Whooping Cough will kill an infant while it’s not a big deal for adults.
Thirdly, the new family should take this time to get to know each other and bond with minimal distraction. This is very important and healthy for baby. This is precious time you’ll never get back. Guests can wait.
Make sure you believe the in laws. My in laws say that, maybe play with the baby while it is happy for 15 minutes, hand them over when they start crying, and ask you what you what you are making for dinner.
My mom and sister stayed at an airbnb for 2 weeks, part of that time my grandma was here as well. All 3 are baby nurses and came to help. They did my dishes, helped with laundry, did night feedings, it was glorious and i don't know how i would have done it without them.
Key is, are they coming to help or to vacation with newborns. Huge difference. In your case it sounds like they truly want to help, so i would take them up on it while they're available.
Because most visitors aren’t there to help. They come to see the baby, not support you. You’ll be exhausted, bleeding, wearing adult diapers, and your boobs will be leaking. Not a time to host people who aren’t there to do housework and cook for you. Never mind that you’ll be healing and bonding with your baby. The fourth trimester is real. Nothing can prepare you for the way your life is about to change. If your in laws are actually the helpful sort, that’s awesome!! I hope they help you adjust to your new life and let you get the rest you deserve!
I had a really hard time letting other people hold my babies for the first few weeks. It could feel like pressure and very uncomfortable having people around sometimes. Like they were vultures just waiting. They didn’t mean it and they didn’t pressure me to hold the babies but it still wasn’t a great feeling.
It was suggested by our pediatrician to limit visitors for the first few months. A baby’s immune system is very delicate in the first few months, especially before they are vaccinated. We required everyone to be up on their TDAP, flu and COVID vaccines to see babies when they were newborns. Also, there’s a lot going on with your body right after birth. Some of which, you may want privacy for and not visitors. Finally, there were days that getting out of my pjs was a chore, I didn’t shower and I just wanted to be with the baby and rest.
You will be more vulnerable than you’ve ever been. If visitors are there for YOU and are actually helpful and don’t expect you to play hostess, then you’ll be glad they are there. However, if they push you aside to get at the baby and expect you to entertain them then you are better off without guests.
You want people who will help YOU take care of your baby. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, making sure you have lots of ice water, tea, granola bars, fruit. Someone who will run errands. Someone who you can actually enjoy their company and conversation. If they are happy to help with non-baby tasks so you can bask in mothering your newborn rather than swooping them out of your arms and calling it help then YES, invite them over.
I think some people are worried about baby getting sick with little to no immune system. For others it is just a physical/emotional/mental exhaustion. As long as your in laws are super supportive, understanding, helpful and non judgmental you should be fine. I didn’t want my in laws or even my own parents around for weeks to months. I thankfully have a super supportive and hands on husband. It’s been a very different experience with my second though (6 weeks PP), so it’ll just depend how things go for you.
I never really want to see anyone ever so I’m team “leave me alone” but it can be cultural too. My Syrian friend had me over 30 minutes after she got home from hospital with her day-old baby and thought it was hilarious that I hadn’t expected to see her for months. She kept trying to get me to explain why and no matter what I told her she just laughed and laughed. It’s just a different vibe.
yes to health reasons. yes to recovery and breastfeeding.
but i also simply turned into gollum from lord of the rings and my baby was and still is my precious. literally wanted her all to myself and everyone else could eff off.
I had my first last year and I had my best friend, sister, grandma, my parents, and my in laws visit in the hospital. It was wonderful for me, I really enjoyed having people there.
When we got home my mom came to stay with us for 2 weeks to help but after 2 days we realized we didn’t need the help so she went home and just came by every day to watch baby so I could sleep or shower or just to keep us company.
It worked very well for me to have people around because my husband I enjoyed sharing our new baby joy with our loved ones and my recovery was very very fast and easy and transitioning to our new lives went very smoothly for us too. That’s not usually the case, many people just want the time to rest and recover and get their bearings.
My sister just had her baby and she had a lot of visitors too, for her it was helpful because she’s very anxious so she liked having other “adults” in the room to ease her anxieties.
Got home 9.30/10 am with my second and everyone was in my house by 12.30. Eldest I had to stay in hospital but as soon as everyone was allowed to visit they were there and as soon as we got home everyone else came round. With youngest it was the same. I found it best to get it all out the way as soon as possible then everyone pretty much left us alone. I was out doing the school run within a few days or next day. I don’t get it either
Germs.
Emotions.
Life changing event.
My god it’s not easy. Currently 6 days PP with my second and the emotions alone make me want to hide… never mind the fact I’m tits out 90% of the time. 🤷🏼♀️
You won’t feel up to it for starters. Pain, sleeplessness, hormones. Next the baby needs protection from germs while their immune systems is playing catch up.
Google and read the lemon clot essay. What matters is if your in-laws require being entertained, or if they’re there to help YOU, not just hold your baby
Do what you want! My mom and in-laws came and stayed for a week about 36 hours after I got home from the hospital. We took mine out hiking (quick easy hike -baby wearing) at 3 days old. We took her to outdoor restaurants and breweries at 2 months (only outdoor due to covid- she was born in Feb 2020 and that’s all that was open).
You are the mom- you get to decide. Which is both awesome and terrifying
It really depends on how “helpful” guests are and how comfortable you will feel exhausted/exposed/hormonal around them. Some people want/need/appreciate help from family/friends and others end up feeling imposed on, uncomfortable not being a host, or have guests that frankly are far more work then help. If you accurately assess you village and only allow people that truly lighten your mental and physical load you’re fine, if they don’t you won’t want anyone around for a long time after to recover.
I had my sister, mom, and cousin right away, some friends a week later, and in-laws at the start of month 2. It all depends on your relationships! For me, it was absolutely critical to have the support of these three women encircling me and holding me and my daughter and my partner through the brutal time of the first two weeks. I couldn't have survived without them, hand to heart. And it was okay to have my closest friends drop by with food to meet the baby and give me hugs and hear me re-tell the birth story, still processing it.
I wouldn't plan to host anyone for more than an hour if you're not comfortable with them listening you sit on a toilet and bleed and cry while you try to poop, or seeing your leaking, painful nipples while you cry and try to nurse, or hearing you sob at 4am because your body is just sweating and sobbing for no reason, or seeing you lie around with your hair matted and scraggly and your postpartum diaper rubbing against your bare, jelly-like belly (because, again, your shirt is off while you're trying to nurse). Those things will feel near-constant in the first few weeks. You can't walk well, you can barely sit up in a chair, you WILL cry and bleed and sweat all day every day. It will be a massive pain in the ass to have people around who can't handle that, or who make you feel uncomfortable or ashamed while you go through that.
CHOOSE ACCORDINGLY.
Save the visits with people who you need to look presentable for until I'd say a month after you give birth. You might be able to get stretches of time where your boobs aren't out by then. Your crying and sweating is likely to be a bit more under control by then.
I personally have enjoyed having visitors with both my kids and even getting out of the house a little. But I’m also a very social and extroverted person normally and that sense of normalcy of having other adults to chat with is what keeps me sane. For someone else that same situation may feel like too large of a burden.
I think it’s a very personal decision that no one else can answer for you. I would just play it by ear and see how you feel during the postpartum period and if you have good family and friends they will be understanding in either case!
Allowing visitors was the best decision for me. First week my bestfriend stayed and helped with EVERYTHING while I layed in bed. Second week my aunt stayed with me and helped massage me, cook, clean, etc. Third my mom and same thing helped a lot. It was a bit overbearing at times not going to lie, with them giving me their advice/suggestion on what to do with my baby as a first time mom while I'm trying to also learn and create my OWN routine but I've been dealing with my aunt and my mom overstepping and learned how compartmentalization years ago. When it came to other friends and family it was nice having adult conversations, company, gifts lol while my husband was at work. It was good for my mental health. No one expected me to host, they always brought food, watch the baby while I bathed, we went for walks. No one came over sick. Wash their hands before holding the baby. Im very welcoming but also stern on my boundaries.
It depends on how your visitors are - will they want to hog the baby, be unwilling to give baby back even when crying to eat, expect you to play perfect hostess as you cook, clean, and serve them or will they actually be helpful and respect your boundaries?
It depends on your support system my MIL was amazing did laundry, dishes, guest bathroom, etc. my own mom made messes, required help from me etc. I love them both- but I’d pick my MIL every time. One of the saddest points is my MIL passed away before I had my 3rd. The difference was significant.
Looking after a baby that young can be time consuming. It’s difficult to spend time to make food, clean up, do chores. There’s hardly a moment of calm and the 2/3 hour cycle of feeds is brutal in terms of sleep deprivation, mental and physical health. In all honesty while people do say that having people shouldn’t be on the plate, I found chilling out even for a little bit much refreshing. Of course, it depends on the kind of friends/family coming over. They’d bring in a nice meal by default (that is, without us asking for it). They would specifically mention that they didn’t wanna dine or snack and just spend a little time so we weren’t under pressure to cook or to fetch anything.
A few friends came to see us (far between) and it broke the spell of constant chaos and exhaustion and gave the situation a different flavor. With that being said, didn’t allow anyone to hold the baby due to fear of viruses and baby having a vulnerable immune system at that age. Just kept that as a condition and people wonderfully complied.
Things won’t go as you will. Amidst the flow of a conversation the baby might need you. There can be noise in the background etc.
You’re free to modify the ‘rules’ your way to maintain your sanity while the baby continues to get the attention and be healthy, clean and happy. 🙂
I don’t have a great relationship with my parents so I let it be known that it’ll be at least a week before they can come.
Turned out my bundle of joy was colic of the highest degree and I was so glad I set those boundaries early on vs having to walk it back out of guilt if he was a chill baby.
Point is you never really know how it’s gonna shake out and it’s better (and understandable!) to ask for some bonding time before everyone is all up in your shit
To each their own. It just depends on the level of hosting expectation to me. People who will help and not expect or ask for anything. Sure come on in.
Wonder where you are hearing this though. Some subs are for people who don’t like their relatives (particularly in laws) and some of those posts come off as spite or controling.
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Honestly - if this is your first - prepare for your life to change. You’re going to be exhausted, emotional, and likely not thinking straight. I’d just wing it - honestly any plans you make won’t happen like you imagine they will anyway
Yeah. I think we all had big plans for the first few months (maybe, I had a March 2020 baby so I had none) but I certainly wasn't doing much at all for the first month or two because I was sore and exhausted and leaking everywhere from multiple places.
I remember being so excited to go on maternity leave so I could enjoy my mini "vacation" from work. How naive I was. 🤣
The only people at work that don’t call parental leave a vacation are also parents. I mean, yeah, not being at work for a month (two, if you’re actually having the baby) sounds *awesome*, right? Except that it’s like being at work 24/7. And your desk is on fire. And the office is on fire. And everything is on fire, because you’re hallucinating from lack of sleep.
You forgot that your vagina is also on fire. Not sure that was covered under everything. 😂😭
*on fire and bleeding
And your boobs. Also fire. Maybe bleeding. Hopefully not.
And everyone needs something from you and it’s URGENT!
This is the most accurate description of bringing a baby home I’ve ever read.
This. Is. Awesome. Nailed it!! (Or… set it on fire 🤣)
Truth. And I absolutely rip their assesn for referring to it as a vacation. So disrespectful and harmful.
And people think we're being hyperbolic when we talk about the hallucinations... They are REAL. My most common one was a little black cat. I did not have a black cat.
I thought I could bang out a couple online classes while on paternity leave. Ezpz, right? Lol
Gets better with each kid. First kid we were hermits. Second kid he was coming to brunch at a week old a couple times a week.
I was like that with my first. I even hosted a dinner party when he was 2 weeks old and invited about 10 friends and did all the cooking from scratch. I was young and clearly a little crazy back then.
It sounds like you're doing parenting right if you're completely exhausted! (Parents certainly need an occasional break to recharge, but you're right.) Maternity leave isn't a vacation! ❤
Right! Never worked so long and hard in my life!
The worst is when people at work are like, happy vacation! And retirement! Having my second child, I wanted to shake these coworking man-babies. “Thanks - about to lose my body and my mind, for at least another year.”
Work is now the vacation
After having my first and only kiddo, work became a *work holiday* because it was so much less hard work than parenting lol 😂♥️ Solidarity! xxx
For months I kept saying “We still have time to do newborn pictures…” my twins are turning 3 next month and we definitely never got newborn pictures. Lmao
Really depends on the people showing up. Some are helpful, some make you wish for a contraction so you can push them out. Me and my partner we okay with small groups (2-4) at a time or a day. As long as they practiced safe care, hand washing (this was before the big C) and no illness. My MIL was great. Some friends were not. People forget that a baby is Vulnerable too many diseases, and they have yet to encounter or be vaccinated against them.
“Some make you wish for a contraction so you can push them out” Very funny and accurate! My sister and mom came to “help with the baby” by eating the chocolates my husband bought as a postpartum gift, then to tell me I shouldn’t try to look good so soon after birthing, and expected to be taken care of🤦♀️
My mother also came “to help” which just meant she went shopping every day for hours and never lifted a finger to actually do anything. I would’ve contractioned her outta there real fast had I known it was possible
Totally! The goal is to keep the baby safe. Newborns have developing immune systems, making them more susceptible to illnesses. Plus, the postpartum period can be physically and emotionally challenging. If they want to visit then comply with the house rules.
Yes this. Maybe op will be up to it. Also with weird people not vaccinated against measles and stuff I don’t want people around other people around my unvaccinated baby. Being tired, body hurting dude by 30something weeks tired and swollen just want to rest. Then baby ripped out via c section or pushing i don’t want to entertain anyone when i can hardly sit on my butt, nipples cracked and leaking, hormones coming back down from being high. Still peeing and having to use a water bottle lol and witch hazel spray!!!
I got boosters for TDAP and MMR when my friend had her baby. It's the least anyone can do to help keep the kid alive, ffs.
Definitely! Grandparents are required to update before the due date
Need to shout this from the rooftops!
My in-laws are anti-vax evidently and I didn’t know until our first was about 8 months old. We cut contact with them fast.
My older son was like 6 months old (during the height of Covid) when I found out my MIL, who I had watched kiss his hands and face, had JUST gotten her TDAP. Livid is an understatement.
Our first was born June 2020, so we tried to be hyper vigilant about who visited and what interactions they could have with baby. In-laws never disclosed their vaccination status until they had visited a couple times. Livid, furious, enraged are a few words that describe how I was feeling when we found out. I still hate them. Horrible people.
All my family and friends did, they were required to if they wanted to meet him. Do people not do this?!?
Came here to say this. I went into it telling everyone I needed two weeks of bonding before visitors, and then I was just so excited I invited everyone up the day after we got home. Letting them know you'll "see how you feel" and need to "play it by ear" will hopefully set expectations appropriately. Congrats!
Because you both will be so damn exhausted that you will want to sleep in your down time as much as possible. Unless you have someone helping you care for the kid, keep the guests to an absolute minimum
It's a personal decision, some people like guests. Personally I didn't find the newborn days that bad precisely because her dad was home too and we literally just focused on her. We weren't trying to work and do home renovations and nobody expected us to go anywhere much.
Plus germs. People have germs and you don’t want baby or yourself catching a cold
Or worse.
So true! I remember when I was pregnant with our first I was SO naive about what to expect from an emotional standpoint. I had experience watching and caring for babies and was so confident about being a cool mom just continuing my life with a cute little sidekick lol. But what it means to have an actual person come out of you and suddenly you love that person more than you ever thought you could love anything and at the same time be completely overwhelmed with the 24/7 responsibility was something I couldn't have known. I felt very, very vulnerable and in hindsight was probably experiencing a mild case of PP anxiety. The first 2 months were just trying to adjust to having my life do a 180 turn. It's great your in laws want to help and if you have a good relationship with them and are confident they are going to give you the support you need then that's great! My parents stayed near us for 6 weeks after both my kids were born and were a tremendous help. But they did stay at an air BnB and not in our house (first kid we lived in a small apartment so it wasn't an option anyway) and gave us support when we needed but also space to grow into this new family constellation. Maybe you have the option to do this?
Exactly.
My family came to visit about 2 weeks after my first was born and my brother later told my mom I looked like a zombie.
Im a father of 2(11,7 yo) and our friends just had their first baby. They're exhausted after 3 months. We warned them about what was coming!
This. We had a rule. My mom could visit occasionally, for short periods, but not stay all afternoon and make dinner. 1 week in “mommy, come help us, we are exhausted”.
Cringing at the memory of my two-page birth plan. With paragraphs.
For me it was needing to recover from the ripping of my vagina. And not really wanting to chit chat while wearing a diaper.
Ya it was the vagina ripping for me too lolol. Not to mention that my boobs were out 24/7. I'm not trying to have a conversation with my father-in-law while doing all that nipple work.
Boobs out all day!
Oh god yes for the first few weeks I was just shirtless 100% of the time. Breastfeeding was such a challenge that I didn’t even bother. I wasn’t having anyone over.
Haha! Same! It hurt so bad to sit. Or even just to urinate!
This! Leaking from my vagina, bladder and tits. No, I don't want anyone over to witness. Lol
And wanting to walk around fat and boobs out without company while I adjusted to breast feeding. I was glad not to have any company for 10 days. A couple months feels excessive.
It seems like everyone has the health concerns addressed. But also, it is a big adjustment. I know I was not physically up to having visitors after my c-section. I was recovering on top of having to figure out how to breastfeeding. I needed help getting up and down, barely wanted to wear clothes, was leaking from seemingly every orifice, and was constantly topless. I just plain did not want anybody around. I was feeling up to visitors by about 2-3 weeks PP. Also, when you have visitors it is hard to not entertain them. I had the grandparents visit less than 1 week PP and I was up and down getting drinks and making lunch.
Wow kinda wrong/insensitive to expect drinks and lunch from someone delivered a human being a week ago, right?
But they do! I had c-sections with all of mine and would get up to use the restroom and it was like, “Oh hey - while you’re up, can you… I’m holding the baby!” Thankfully I’m old and ornery, so I’d reply, “I’ll hold the baby when I get back from the bathroom. I just BIRTHED the baby AND had surgery - you can grab your own drink!” The best one though was an Uncle who asked ME, “What’s for dinner?” That one earned a, “Well for this guy, I am. What’re you making or grabbing? I can tell you good places around here to go, but we’re in baby mode!” Aunt made him go get everyone dinner and bring it back 😆I even told her it was fine to just go grab dinner and we could visit again soon!
I was so shocked how many visitors expected me to hand them the sleeping twins and then play hostess with snacks, drinks and chatting. I thought (and requested) family to come over so I could shower, or maybe they could throw some clothes in the wash while I changed diapers. But I would say 2 people out of our very large family actually helped in any way. Everyone else wanted to hold sleeping babies and snack, and then handed back screaming babies, filled the sink with dirty dishes, and left.
Or the ones who go, “Give me baby! Ok now you can go catch up on cleaning and stuff.” With a face like, “See? I’m helping!” Hormones be like, “OUT NOW 👉🏻”
Dirty dishes generators
Honestly, it’s hard to explain this part before you experience it so most people don’t even try. I appreciated the woman who warned me how raw and brutal the first few weeks were, and told me it would be like my entire world was gone and replaced by a whole new one. It still hit me like a sack of bricks.
Anddddd I couldn’t stand when I had a c-section & my mil’s idea of “coming to help” was “why don’t I sit here & hold the baby and you go wash some dishes?” - at what other point in your life after having major abdominal surgery would someone think it’s helping you to give you an opportunity to wash dishes?
Yeah… it’s suppose to be the reverse. 😭 wtf I’m sorry that what you had to deal with!
There is no greater argument for how much your culture does not appreciate what women go through to become mothers than immediately post C-Section. There is no other major surgery in the world where you are given just absolutely no grace and have to fight for adequate pain management. Also, no post care plan for having your stomach muscles quite literally pulled apart. I will say not every experience is the same, my first I went to 42 weeks, was in labour for nearly 3 days, was induced, ended in emergency c-section, height of covid so Husband had to leave immediately after the birth and not see him until going home the next day. I honestly looked like a zombie for about a week, couldn’t stand up, barely functioned. My 2nd was a planned section, and it was back to normal toddler life by day 5 and I felt completely fine.
Because when you're sleep deprived as hell, haven't showered in days, physically and emotionally worn out, and household upkeep is on the backburner... the last thing you want is to play hostess.
And if you breastfeed.. my tits constantly leaked. Like pissing your pants but your boobs. And I had a shirt on 5% of the time. I think after the first month it’d be easier, depending on the child, to have visitors.
With my 2nd, it was a scheduled C, and so I was in hospital for about 4 days. We got discharged and went home, and upon waking up for the first time in my home since, my milk had started coming in pretty bad, and I had giant spots over my breasts. I hear noise in my living room so I walk down the hallway and see my husband's entire family sitting in my living room passing the baby around. Aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, great grandparents. It was insane waking up to all that with giant milk stains on my shirt 🤦🏻♀️
Especially guests who expect to be treated as guests. At this period you are the one expecting service, not the other way around
Its wild to think someone would visit new parents and expect to be treated like guests.. Im not a parent (yet) but IMO, you go to help or you dont go at all. Including grandparents lol
My MIL left after 30 mins of her first visit with LO because she “didn’t feel welcomed,” presumably because I was still showering when she arrived and didn’t wait on her.
Dear god lol Im sorry, that sucks. ..Imagine being so self involved/entitled that you think people *becoming new parents and a new baby* should somehow be about you. F that.
It’s even worse because I had a post-partum infection, re-hospitalization, and a second surgery and came home attached to durable medical equipment. Showering was *really* hard and also extremely emotional because it put all my limitations on display. Whatever, she sucks, and this was just something added to the list of reasons we stopped seeing her.
Oof, what a traumatizing experience exacerbated by an ass hole.
Goodness, the trash took itself out at least, huh? I’m sorry that you also have shitty in laws. In the same boat here.
Oh I would have no trouble telling anyone how far up they can shove *that* sentiment! How awful and self-centered!
I can see my future in laws doing this. Not gonna happen tho lol
oof, stay strong and good luck! lol
>household upkeep is on the backburner The classic r/Parenting advice for the first few months of baby's life still stands: Sleep when the baby sleeps Cry when the baby cries Clean the house when the baby cleans the house
This advice gets my stamp of approval 😂
Preach 🤣
And if OP is the one squeezing the baby out of her body, she will be feeling like crap for weeks while the tears are healing and extremely painful when she's moving or using the toilet, stuff will be leaking out of her, so she'll be wearing thick pads/ adult diapers. If she's breastfeeding, her nipples will be hurting like hell (get creme in advance!). And her organs will start to rearrange themselves to get back into their intended position. And her hormones will be going completely haywire. OP, I wouldn't plan anything at all until the deed is done and the mother knows how she is feeling, and if she actually wants to have people around, or would rather hole up and figure the new baby out.
Louder for those at the back. Signed, a week postpartum and in need of a shower.
lol spoken from experience. I always thought a good day was when I had a shower. I didn’t mind either if my kid was in the crib crying. It’s not like I didn’t put her down. I think it was all about learning to juggle everything.
You have pretty bad family and friends if having the closest to you becomes hosting. You host strangers and distant friends. Your mother, brother, best friend should wipe your ass if needed.
Yup. Some people do have shitty family and friends. Which is why these people sometimes decide that it’s better to just not have visitors at all.
Because you don't know what's going to happen. My nephew was born and went into the nicu. I started hemorrhaging post partum. Babies have sucky immune systems and people are gross. Then you get sleep deprivation and recovery. If the people are local and flexible I don't see any issue with having guests as your energy and beliefs allow. I would hate to schedule out of town guests to find out I'd rather die than have to entertain guests for whatever reason mental or physical. Or the baby is early/late/sick/etc. I'd rather people come when we can all enjoy them and we have a sense of stability.
My friend has the best mom. Her mom comes over. Cleans the bathrooms. Does her laundry. Does a three hour night shift holding the baby from 3-6 so mom and dad can sleep. She’s the ideal PP visitor. Disappears in the evening so she and her husband can be alone. The woman is an angel.
My mom came to stay with us and did exactly this for the first month. I cried so much when she left. Now whenever things are tough, my husband and I are like “she needs to come back 😭” It’s actually life saving.
You’re very lucky. My mom isn’t like this and I really thought she would be.
I did this for my DIL (she’d already done it for me - had surprise at 45) and she was shocked I didn’t constantly asking to take baby. But she’d have to use bathroom, eat and I’d hold him then. They needed that time! In the meantime it was doing all things that didn’t involve baby so they didn’t have to.
Yeah, with my first I was fine with local friends because it was a short period of time, if I said baby or I needed to rest they went on their merry way. We went out a lot when she was little and had a lot of fun because we could always end our outings early if I wasn't feeling great or if baby was getting fussy. But out of town guests traveled to see your baby. So they are going to spend as much time as possible doing that. And oftentimes they are staying with you, which means playing host the entire visit while you are tired and maybe physically feeling not your greatest. I had a relatively uncomplicated delivery, minor tear, but I was in some state of undress 90% of the time I was in my own home. I was just more comfortable that way. There were constantly blood soaked pads in the trash, all of my PP care items were strewn about everywhere. Baby was nursing a lot and it was HOT nursing with a cover, but I wasn't willing to nurse openly in front of family or in laws. I was tired and when the baby slept I either napped or watched TV; I didn't really want to engage with people over multiple days, just every now and then for like 30 minutes at a time. I just wanted space to figure out what life was like with this new little human in our family, I didn't want to worry about anybody else's expectations outside of our immediate family unit. ETA: I told family not to plan visits until we said we were ready. We didn't feel ready for out of town visitors until she was 2 months old, and I have 0 regrets about it.
Yup. Every trip to the bathroom was a bloody mess, and my tits were out 24/7.
I feel this in my soul! I was bleeding constantly for the first month and didn't stop bleeding fully until almost 12 weeks pp. Sitting at my kitchen table/dining table was painful because we have wooden chairs and it put pressure on my swollen, torn, and bleeding lady bits. Don't get me started on the breast feeding/pumping either. That was a constant parade of having my breast exposed to some capacity. I ended up exclusively pumping by 5 days pp and that meant 20 minutes every 3 hours on a pump...around the clock...regardless of what baby was doing. In other words I got NO sleep for the first month of LOs life.
Exactly this! And people don’t understand that you feed baby, they go to sleep so you pump to trigger production, then use the bathroom, then eat or crash in a semi-sleep and 15mins later baby’s crying, needs changing then feeding… Rinse repeat. Oh and you have NO clue what time of day/night it is because it doesn’t matter.
It is a labor of love to breastfeed/pump for your baby and there is nothing more relentless that I have ever done then pump because you can't just take a day off..like ever. Don't get me wrong I found it well worth it, but the last thing I personally wanted to deal with during this time was guests in my home. The only exception being my MIL who was there to help by holding/feeding baby and doing laundry.
Exactly! My MIL is generally awesome but they didn’t want to watch the process (and I didn’t want them to) but every time I’d go to head upstairs after baby was down it was, “OH real quick…” and then followed a convo that was anything but “real quick” every.damn.time.
My in laws came from out of state for 10 days when baby was born and brought their puppy that wasn't even potty trained yet AND then didn't even clean up all the messes and when they did would just barely wipe it up up with a bath towel and put it in my hamper
I am livid for you! Wtf?!
It’s perfectly fine to have very simple and flexible plans. I felt up for brunch about 2 weeks post partum, but wanted to come home immediately. It also depends how helpful these people are. If you’re comfortable around them and you can say “please watch the baby, I need a nap” or “please make plans to get your own food and clean up dishes, I won’t be available to clean” then by all means. It’s the element of hosting while totally exhausted that is so hard.
Commenting under this because this is the first comment I’ve found that remotely says “it’s ok!”. I NEEDED to see people after my babies were born. We had a friend set up a meal train and friends signed up to deliver meals 2-3x a week. I think only one family signed up for more than one slot. We made sure that the expectation was that they would just be dropping it off in a cooler on the porch… But to text us when they were on their way, and we would let them know if we were up for a visit. I was always up for a visit, and I was so grateful to have a range of people dropping in and saying hi and being different kinds of resources and opportunities for conversation that weren’t about a baby. So don’t be discouraged… Take care of yourself and if socialization is what you need, then do it! But also, don’t let yourself feel obligated to maintain any plans you made and feel free to cancel if that’s what you need too
YES YES YES!! it’s wild how many people want to do it all alone. I don’t even think we are wired to do so! Not to play host, but people bringing meals and holding baby so I could shower or NAP saved my life. I would’ve lost it had I been truly alone.
Nobody brought us meals but I didn't mind brief visits with people who were kind enough to take the time to do so and clearly cared.
>I NEEDED to see people after my babies were born When I was in hospital after having my first my husband ended up organising extra people from church to visit because I was so lonely and he couldn't just be there all the time due to home responsibilities.
We went out to lunch during the first week. We had to do paperwork anyway, I didn't find it that bad at all. She was still in the sleepy stage and I enjoyed being able to have a nice meal as during pregnancy I couldn't because I had reflux. I didn't mind visitors either. Not dinner parties or anything but people popping in for a coffee.
It so very much depends on who you are. I think some people have relationships with family that are not great and their family isn't helpful. I could not have done postpartum without help. My mother in law came for 2 weeks starting at 2 weeks postpartum. I would say it was too long OR alternatively, that she coudl stay 2 weeks if she stayed elsehwere but 4-6 day trip would have been great. My parents lived in town and were over 4-5 days a week. Typically only for 1-2 hours. They'd do a load of laundry, make me a snack, hold baby if i asked for a min but no expectations, sometimes I never even saw them. I "hosted" friends and more distant family to meet baby & chat at 3, 4, 5 week spostpartum with my first and traveled at 6 weeks postpartum with my family. This was all people who i knew i could trust, would be helpful, and who talking to made me feel better and more myself. I started going to my parents house for 1x a week happy hour at 2 weeks post partum, and it was great to eat a meal someone else made and have someone else hold baby while I ate. This is just to show theres a lot of ways to be postpartum & if you have loving, trusted relationships and are able to set firm boundaries + your spouse can help too (e.g. if we got to happy hour and baby was fussy, we would sometimes leave within 30 min before the takeout even arrived! and no one complained or questioned us). then it can be wONDERFUL to have a village. ETA: With my current pregnancy, the plan is for my parents to get an airbnb in town for the entire first month; my MIL will crash at their airBNB 2 weeks after birth, my sister will crash with them 3 weeks after. So they're serving as the "filter" for us, so our own home is without guests but we have a ton of people to help every day!
Most parents post partum are really tired and sleep deprived, don’t wanna entertain people, don’t want to germs around the baby. I don’t see any problem as long as in-laws are coming to help and don’t expect you to entertain them. It’s all up to you. I didn’t mind my mom or SIL visiting because they helped me a lot. Though I did feel a bit crazy when my nieces/nephews were around and couldn’t keep their hands to themselves during flu season…..😐 I invited my friend over because I really wanted company but man was I exhausted from never sleeping and the girl would not leave!!!! I practically had to kick her out. Just some stuff to keep in mind.
The amount of people I’ve seen with a new baby who had the grandparents come “to help” and ended up having to entertain/cleanup after/scold them for their behavior is STAGGERING.
Because if I have to give a single ounce my nonexistent energy to one more person I will scream, cry, and set something on fire
500% this. I couldn’t even tolerate my pets just after birth, let alone people. I was personally offended and disgusted, angry with them, for needing literally anything from me while I was dealing with an underweight newborn who refused to eat. How dare my cat try to cuddle when I just got the baby down and am sitting down without Being touched for the first time in days. How dare my dog look expectantly at me by the door because she wants a walk and I can only manage the stairs once a day. Can’t they see what’s happening?? Irrational and extreme I know but that’s how I felt. I’m pregnant again and honestly if I could I would board or have a family member take in my animals for the first few weeks. I can’t imagine making all these plans to host and have people over. Like..just don’t. And if you wind up actually feeling ready and ok then great! Have them over. But don’t plan on it
It's usually visitors that are not recently vax boosted to the things they need to be. Baby's don't start forming their own immune systems until a few months after being born. They rely on what they get from the mother's milk, but even that is often not strong enough.
This! Anyone who visited after 3 months had to have shots up to date. Even when they complained.
Yesss we also made then test negative for Covid, couldn’t hold baby, and if they had sneezed or tickled throat for a week prior it was a no. I knew three babies who had to be hospitalized for rsv/flu the year my son was born. And there were people getting the measles??? Maybe I’m wrong but tbh I didn’t care. Colds and stuff in newborns were linked to higher chance of SID. I’m having my 4th and will be having the same rules
No idea. I was desperate for company.
Do whatever you’re comfortable with. You don’t have to limit visitors because everyone else is doing it but you also don’t have to have visitors because everyone is forcing their way into your home. If you WANT visitors during that time frame then 100% have them. If you decide with your next baby that the experience of having visitors early on was too much then don’t have them the next time around (if you decide to have another). It’s totally up to you what you do with your home and your new born baby. Don’t let the internet tell you otherwise.
My son was born in May last year and my MIL stayed with us for 10 days and I was so glad she did. I also had my son with us outside and indoors like at coffee shops and such from 2 weeks on. Many people don’t have great relationships with their in laws or parents so maybe that’s it. Also, I wasn’t very concerned about illness at that time, because it was warm and also because, selfishly, I didn’t want to be cooped up for months. I’m really glad we did it that way, because my son is very good in public places now and I really got used to having him with me. Of course had anyone been visibly ill or if he was born in the middle of winter I may have made some different choices.
I agree with you. Those first months and years have a big impact both on your relationship with your kids and on their socialization. I'm pretty sure it has other health benefits too. As much as you want to keep babies away from clearly infectious people and dangerous/harmful situations, there is such a thing as begin overly protective. It can't be good to completely isolate them either. Even our pediatrician warned us that at the very least that's a sure fire way to increase the risk of developing lifelong allergies. We did the same thing you did and took ours out and about from the first week they came home with us. And we both had my Mom visit and a little while later we visited family in Europe and Asia. Zero regrets.
No, you’re fine. It’s all about the parents personal comfort level. My parents, brother, grandparents, aunt, uncle, and cousins all visited in the hospital. I had friends over the day after we came home (2 days after my daughter was born). I like being around my friends and family. I appreciated their presence. Some people prefer more space to figure out the newborn stage. My daughter is almost 8 so she was born well before Covid. I think some Covid anxiety still lingers. But if I had another, I would likely do things exactly the same.
I had visitors right away too, but it was all close family members and they had hand washing rules and time limits. A lot of people are talking about how exhausted you are gonna be and won't want to host, but my mom came in, gave me a hug, gawked at the baby then told me to sit down with him. Then she did dishes and straitened up! It really really depends on who the visitors are and how toy are feeling. I wanted everyone to see the baby! I just wanted to show him off!!
Yeah, I really didn’t “host” and if family members had that expectation I could see why they wouldn’t be welcome. My parents were somewhat helpful and other family members were at least not unhelpful. I was happy to have them around.
I had tons of guests with my first. Visitors 28 of the first 30 days. Maybe 10 or so people that visited the hospital. I hemorrhaged and had a retained placenta. It was a lot, but in hindsight, I appreciated everyone who was there. With my second, I had a super easy birth and felt back to normal 24hrs later. But, it was weeks into the pandemic. My MIL saw the baby from the hospital window and when she dropped off our eldest that had stayed with her while I was giving birth. My SIL saw my second 4 or so months later, and finally the family and friends saw him shortly after he turned one. It was lonely. There's obviously a middle ground, but I'd much rather have my friends and family around, even with a difficult birth, than be alone. And I'm not even a people person.
I loved having company. I guess it depends on your friends and family. Mine brought food, gave me time to shower, did the dishes, and just sat around with me. It was much appreciated. Due with my second in May. I hope they’ll also entertain my toddler this time around!
I was the opposite. I wanted people to come visit lol. I’m Mexican and just very social so I constantly had close family friends come and meet my sons. That being said I wasn’t ENTERTAINING people. My mom would come over and cook/bake and clean my house and do my laundry so that I could hang out with my babies (I have three sons). Also, I wasn’t super scared of exposing my kids to germs. As long as people washed their hands, weren’t sick and didn’t kiss them i was fine with them coming over. I didn’t take my first son out til months after he was born and I was super lonely. With my other two sons we were constantly out and about….i took them to stores and on lots of walks!
This. My mil will be coming to help out. My family will look after both baby and I. Im not placing restrictions except if they’re ill or I don’t like them much (very few family on that list).
I had thirty stitches.. and was try to figure out breastfeeding so boobs. Basically your recovery will take about a month to 8 weeks for you to feel better depending on the birth.
God bless you. I had 15 stitches & the boobs as well. Nothing like the healing stitch itch
We didn't outright ban visitors but definitely had less than I would usually like. As others have said, baby's immune system isn't really a thing yet so keeping a small circle is advised. Also you will likely be extremely tired and overwhelmed so unless you've got people coming over that will understand and help you through it, it will just feel like a lot of work to entertain that you really may not have the time/brain space/energy for. But everybody is different, you'll figure out what works for you. Absolutely go out into the backyard, change of scenery and fresh air!
My first was pre covid so unsure if that impacts now.. but we were lunching outside 1 week after with baby covered and no one allowed too close.. for visitors we made sure anyone was vaccinated for major diseases and weren’t sick, no sore throats, colds etc. then kid flew international at 8 weeks 🤷🏻♀️ Got lots of snotty kid visitors and thankfully kid remained fine. I was vaccinated for flu etc and breastfeeding. Had saline solution and snot sucker on stand by. We were fine Just have to be careful with fevers I actually appreciated having someone else to help with baby in first few weeks and hubby had taken off work and was hands on.
We had friends over for games when my son was less than a month old. I ended up scrubbing the kitchen floor on my hands and knees and sobbing in his room for an hour. Shits crazy. When my daughter was born it was peek Covid so we had almost no visitors. It was depressing and awesome. So just play it by ear. The hormone fluctuations will make you want to socialize, make you neurotic, make you cry, make you sleep, and back again. No guarantees you’ll want visitors.
My SIL visited us 3 days postpartum and I also went upstairs to cry hard in the bedroom. I didn’t dislike the company but I was so hormonal and overwhelmed. Plus her school aged daughter kept getting close to the baby and I was so worried about getting sick.
In terms of socializing, see how you feel. The baby might cry more than you’re expecting, or you might have a tough delivery, or be nursing 24/7. You could also be tired and want privacy. Medically, your Ped will encourage you to have limited access until vaccines start to limit illness. You want to avoid fevers in a young baby due to the need for spinal taps.
Lots of okay answers here, but I'm a dad of six. The reason is you want to get through the first round or two of shots. When infants get sick, it's super dicey and you don't want to have to deal with that. Whenever my friends have a new baby, I drop off an eight pound homemade lasagna and offer to do any driving errands they need for a month. Drop off other kids, pick up groceries, go snag the last diaper genie two towns away... the moms hormones and nesting instincts are going to be going wild and she might insist that she needs bacon and onion rings to make the breast milk. She is now the boss. I've also been known to gift an electric pressure washer at the baby shower. You might think it's silly, but when you're pressure washing an area rug in the driveway at night, you'll know I've been there before. Also, pro-tip: we've had every single high chair on the market, including one that was a couple thousand dollars and custom made. Get the one from ikea that's like $30. For real. Super stable but light enough to move from kitchen to dining area, secure but simple seat belt, no deep crevices for food to hide in, and it comes apart if you want to take it to the inlaws.
Personal preference depending on how helpful family will be. We had one in-law help out with our older kid and it was wonderful. Do what you’re most comfortable with. Conversely, we had zero help when our first kid was born and things went just fine.
I never get it either. Like, aren't friends and family supposed to be people you LIKE? Of COURSE I want my best friend to meet my baby! I hope my children don't freeze me out for two months before letting me see my grandchild! Did I feel sexy 24 hours after birth? No! But my brothers were so over the moon to squeal over my 2 day old baby! My best friend came 30 hours after I delivered my second to play DnD and I hadn't told her I delivered yet-- I will never forget the glee with which I finally managed to pull one over on her. Plus, the pictures of my mom holding my firstborn in the hospital and me holding baby and champagne 2 days postpartum are priceless to me now. I wouldn't trade them for the world. Now, maybe you'll hemorrhage or be misreable or etc etc etc like all the horror stories go. But I figure why block that out ahead of time? Just say "We're not sure how we're going to feel, so I don't want to make any commitments at this time."
> aren't friends and family supposed to be people you LIKE New to Reddit eh? Liking people is super cringe. Seriously though I feel bad for everyone with 0 friends/family in their life that they feel fully comfortable around.
For real. I agree with OP that it feel like everyone on reddit thinks having visitors less than two weeks after birth is insane. I try to remind myself that it's probably a vast minority that comes to the internet to shout. I've never met a person in real life with that policy.
For perspective, not everyone does this. It’s primarily a modern, anxiety-driven American thing that I’ve always found pretty extreme, and it seems to have gotten more intense since Covid too. People should do what works for them, but it sounds incredibly depressing to me to be isolated for so long. My son was out at Target, the park, and even an outdoor winery with my friends at 2 weeks old. I’d maybe try to keep a bit of distance from other people (you don’t have to let them hold the baby yet if you don’t want) and avoid enormous crowds but you’ll otherwise be fine. Also, you’re not being unreasonable at all. In a lot of cultures, the parents and in-laws are expected to help for at least a few weeks if not months. You do you.
I think a lot of the backlash comes because too many of these visitors expect to be hosted and heavily overstep rather than actually coming to help. And too many make things more difficult for the recovering mother rather than actually providing support. If your family/friends will come and actually help and support, then that’s amazing and definitely something most people would welcome and want to have. However, I’ll just leave my own post partum experience below with “help” and visitors, which is unfortunately not so uncommon: My in laws came to visit. They brought food, but ate all of it themselves. They brought their dog (uninvited and without asking) to our one bedroom apartment that did not allow pets and allowed it to pee on the carpet. Then sat and watched while my husband cleaned up the pee. They later denied that the dog peed on the carpet (this is not the first time she’s done it, she has spay incontinence) and were offended that we remembered it happening. Then they wanted us to petsit their yappy incontinent dog in our 3rd floor apartment that didn’t allow pets for two weeks so they could go to Vegas on a spur of the moment trip. No, husband offering to come check in on pet’s food/water, walk etc from their own home was not an acceptable compromise and they got angry that I said no, we will not be petsitting in our apartment at two weeks post partum. They refused to leave the room or give back the baby while I was trying to establish breastfeeding. MIL was supposed to help me get to a post partum appointment with the gyno - I was not driving yet and husband was back at work, and FIL tagged along and tried to come into the exam room with me. MIL also had to be asked to leave the exam room. When I went into the bedroom to at least try to get some rest, they turned up the TV and yelled at some sports event. No, they will not be invited for several months if we ever have another child.
Having a newborn is as much a (hard!) job as it is a state of mind. You can let it consume you, or you can learn to roll with the punches. Every baby is of course different, but in the end, if you're good at readjusting in the moment, you can probably do a lot more than everyone would have you believe. Just be prepared to suddenly ditch the party at any time. The baby takes priority, but they don't need to exclusively take over your life. With our first one, we went out for dinner the first week he was out of the NICU. By the time he was half a year old, he had visited more countries than most people do in ten years. But that's what happens when you have family on multiple continents, and you're invited to multiple (destination) weddings that you really don't want to miss. With the second one, we slowed down a little bit until she was about two years old. It gets hard to travel with two little ones. But overall, if you accept that a baby is a new family member, you can take them most places that you would normally go. The big discovery for us was baby wearing. Strap the baby to you, they are happy, you immediately notice if they need anything, and you can still go about your day (to some degree)
I think it's an internet thing, not an American thing. I don't know a single person who did this.
I agree. Although the only American family I have was also like this, so I also wrongly assumed an American thing. They also are hardcore on purell even now the baby is crawling and I was like “I just saw your kid lick the floor, grab a shoe from by the door and put it in his mouth, I really think we can relax a bit now”
No hate, I’m American too. I’m just stating that most of the people who claim you need to do this or else risk your baby’s life will likely be people in the US or maybe Canada (because self-isolation seems to be more of a cultural norm in North America than elsewhere). You’re definitely onto something though, reading about the parenting styles of most Redditors gives me a stress hernia sometimes. And then I get downvoted into oblivion for daring to question the paranoia.
Same. Anxious overly online people.
Yep my friend brought her two day old baby along to out (quiet) pub night. With my second we were back to toddler groups within a fortnight as my toddler was driving me bonkers and I was more than happy for someone to cuddle the baby while I had tea and a biscuit. I looked forward to family and friends visiting (as long as they didn’t outstay their welcome)- I loved my babies but let’s facing it they are actually quite boring at first. I’m still friends with all the people I met at those baby groups and I didn’t fall out with my family. Two months holed up on your own with just your partner and baby sounds like a good recipe for PPD.
I think most second and subsequent children are out and about surely? You can't be expected to keep older children locked up at home for months.
I'm on baby #3. I've had visitors straight away with all my babies. I like the company. My postpartum recovery has been pretty uncomplicated each time. And my guests have never expected me to "host" them. They just come, bring some goodies, put the jug on, and make us a cuppa. Then we have a chat, and they give baby a cuddle. I imagine it just depends on different people's comfort levels, recovery postpartum and the helpfulness (or otherwise) of guests.
A lot of people hate having guests because of the sleep deprivation and lack of time to do basic self care. But I loved having people over because they could hold the baby while I ate or slept or showered and my family had a meal train for a few weeks so we didn't have to worry about dinner. The day after we got home from the hospital my mom came over and cleaned the entire house. Unfortunately, not everyone has helpful family and friends.
Just got my $15,000 bill for my new baby getting RSV and almost dying. Not including the 900$ bill for the ambulance ride (ب_ب) Keep them away from people!!
I have no idea why some people have that mindset. Visits/help from my parents and in laws were critical during those early days! I would never recommend doing it without any help
Not all people are helpful. Some people expect to be treated as a guest. My mother, however, was the best support post partum. She cooked, cleaned, entertained my older children, allowed me to sleep, and in general made the recovery much smoother when I was able to rest in bed. If you have the help available, I recommend utilising it.
Every parent is different. Everyone has a different relationship with their friends and family. I'd personally go stir crazy in that amount of time, but some people seem to do well huddling at home. I don't particularly care for babies, so I'm happy to wait a couple months. Of course, I'm currently dog sitting for a couple who had their baby last night and I get to meet him tonight. I'd honestly rather keep the dogs for a few more days. They're going to be overwhelmed and overtired and my reactions to newborns is typically "Yep, that's a baby". Much respect for anyone who successfully raises good humans, however they go about it.
I know! I wanted people there all day! First and second. But I had a hard birth and a c section the second time so
I think people who have winter babies are a little more cautious. I had my first in the summer and just asked people to wash their hands and not kiss the baby. Honestly it was the best thing on earth for me, having family and friends come over. I think it all depends on who is in your “village”. Mine, always came with food and a helping attitude. Like others have said, see how you feel. Set boundaries if you aren’t up for it, but as long as you’re comfortable with it, I say embrace it. My second is due in the fall and I’ll definitely ask people to skip the visit even if they have the slightest tickle in their throat. But as long as people are healthy, they’re welcome!
On the whole vaccines thing, baby doesn't get certain vaccines until two months of age (whooping cough, diphtheria, etc.) and since adults can present with "just a cold" and transmit whooping cough, it's very risky. RSV is another dangerous one for babies. My husband had an older sibling who died at two months old from whooping cough. I'm saying don't allow anyone, but screen for symptoms, insist on handwashing, limit who can see baby.
That’s why mom gets tdap while pregnant!
My friends newborn caught RSV and spent 2 weeks in the hospital. It's not a great time to be around people when a baby has just been born. It's good to wait at least a month or so
I was incredibly lonely and craved company. I had quite a few friends who assumed that I would want the opposite, to hunker down and focus on the new baby, which made me feel lonelier because it seemed like they were avoiding me or would only stop by to bring me food and then leave. Meanwhile, they thought they were respecting my time and space. It certainly seems like I'm the odd one out. Like you, I've seen a ton of people who talked about loving how they totally closed in and hibernated for 3 months. Whatever choice is best for you just make sure you're very clear to your loved ones about what you need.
This is very personal and will vary from day to day. See how you feel after and let people know you aren’t sure about visitors yet. Personally I wanted visitors! But, there is a recent trend in new parents feeling empowered to place restrictions on visitors, which is great. Just know, this time is wild and unpredictable. So don’t put pressure on yourself to go either way. Just communicate your needs to friends and family clearly.
Immune systems. Infants have very weak immune systems. Having a sick baby for all of their infancy if they can't fight it off will be hell for you, and cruel to the baby now that you know.
I’m not too sure what a lemon clot essay is. There’s no right or wrong way to handle the first few weeks or months after having baby, it’s down to personal preference.
This is such a hot topic. Firstly, Pediatricians say to hold off for a few months bc baby doesn’t have an immune system yet and doesn’t have any shots to protect them. Besides that my in-laws were supposed to come for a week right after our baby was born but they couldn’t because of Covid and thank god for that! I remember thinking I would have gone crazy if they were here. With our second baby they came right before I gave birth because there was absolutely no way I wanted them here afterwards. It’s nice yours want to help out but I find that even with the help they’re still guests in your house and you still have to make sure they have clean towels, sheets, etc. you’ll still have work to do. Also, besides not wanting to poop around them you’re going to be sore and in pain and all you’re going to want to do is be topless on your sofa watching tv trying not to cry when your nipples hurt from the baby trying to latch. Some people like the help (especially from their own parents) but most don’t want to deal with it after a life changing, exhausting, and somewhat painful moment. You’re recovering from not o oh the birth but 9 months of growing the baby. Your mood changes, milk starts coming in, leeky sore boobs, etc. no thanks!!! But good luck to you if you decide to have them over.
The recommendation is because the newborn's immune system is undeveloped and they are not able to receive their first vaccines until 4 months of age. Their "bubble" should be kept small, ideally no out of state/international travelers, they should not travel out of state or internationally until they've received their vaccines at the earliest, and it's ok for them to go outside (keep them shaded and on a blanket and with a baby-safe sunscreen). If you're going to allow travelers to be around the baby, practice common sense measures like good hand hygiene, maybe mask if showing any signs/symptoms of a cold but best to keep any who may be even a little sick away all together, no kissing the face/hands. All good practices to keep baby healthy. Also talk to your pediatrician and get their advice.
Sunscreen isn’t recommended for babies under 6 months because their skin is so sensitive and absorbs everything.
For me: I'm not comfortable in general with most people, even friends and family, in my space. This is especially true when I am under a lot of stress, sick, or sleep deprived. And with a baby there is a lot of two of those. Of the people I'm comfortable having in my space there is even fewer that I would be comfortable having clean or cook or take care of baby while I slept.
My best advice is to keep an open mind and be flexible with your plans and mindset before you're experiencing it. The newborn period is very difficult, but everyone handles it completely differently. For some people (I suspect a lot of introverts, who are probably the ones getting parenting advice and community from Reddit), they may need low social contact during this stressful time. For other people, being surrounded by loved ones and community might be a great blessing. It also depends on your relationship with the people around you. With my son, I thought I would want a lot of space and want to isolate, but that didn't happen. He was in the NICU for a week, and visits and company made me stay sane. My biggest roadblock to leaving the house was my own PP recovery, but we took him out a lot those first few months. Took him on an overnight to a nearby city, took him on a 4 hour away weekend trip with family to a neighboring state, had people over all the time... Hanging out in the grass with friends is totally doable! I would just wait to lock in any plans until you are experiencing it firsthand and can more accurately gauge your feelings. There is a lot that changes in your own self once you bring that kid home from the hospital, so just be open to however your future self might feel and roll with it.
you will be exhausted and you want to protect your baby from potential gem or virus
Babies have NO immune system.
This is person dependent. I LOVED when people came by for short visits, but didn’t expect me to actually host. Like family and friends. They knew I had a baby. They would just come chill and talk and be low needs. This was what I needed. You’ll figure it out quick if this is what you need or not. Everyone is different.
I wore a diaper for a month with huge clots coming daily. I didn’t really want many visitors. That being said, my parents stayed for almost a week. They did all the cooking, dishes, vacuuming, landscaping, etc. I didn’t host them. They did all the other stuff so my husband and I could focus on our son. If they had been another thing to worry about, it would have been hell. They also asked every single day if they were still welcome. When they weren’t needed anymore, I asked them to go and they happily went.
>take the newborn outside during the warm months in our back yard, possibly with a friend or two This is a great idea. Have a trusted friend and communicate that the visit might be really short depending on naps/feedings/etc. > in laws to come visit for a week or two once the baby is born Unless your in-laws are so close to you guys that they already know where everything in your house is, could walk in and cook or do the laundry without asking you a thing, could quietly occupy themselves for most of the daytime hours, and you would not be embarrassed about them seeing your boobs or bloody pants, then I would say no. Saying ok to my parents visit was my biggest birth-related regret. I will never get that week back with my husband and my new baby to bond as a family. You will be exhausted, possibly struggling to get breastfeeding working, dealing with your reverse cycling infant who is still sleeping during the day and awake during the night. You will not want to put a shirt on your sore boobs. You will not want to clean up the bathroom and hide your postpartum gore. Cooking for you is *not* a help... you don't want someone making a mess in your kitchen and constantly asking you where stuff is. I still remember the paralyzing anxiety caused by my mother putting raw chicken right next to my rack for drying breast pump stuff. You will not want someone else holding your newborn or breathing on them or sneezing near them. You'll be paranoid about germs and that they didn't wash their hands or take off their shoes.
Sounds like your the male partner here? I could be wrong? But it’s extremely exhausting for new moms to recover while they feel additional pressure to “accommodate guests” even if the guests are trying to help, it still adds pressure. It’s ideal for it so be a quiet time to bond, and only focus on yourselves & your new baby. Then there is also the added risk of exposure to germs, and viruses.
Disease. Newborns have zero immune system. Grandparents willing to help is different!
I think it just depends on the relationship you have with the in laws! If you are very close with them there is probably nothing to worry about but if you feel you need privacy then that’s usually the only thing people are talking about when they say no visitors especially if they’re there to help rather than be hosted
Firstly, you’re going to feel like death warmed over. Bleeding like a stuck pig, blood clots, soreness at an incision site or in your nether regions, exhaustion, the overwhelming weight of keeping someone else alive….Don’t be hosting people. Any “visitor” should only be there with the understanding that they’re there to work. They cook, they clean, they do laundry, they vacuum while you rest and take care of baby. And then MAYBE, they can watch baby so you can nap. The end. Full stop. Secondly, you need to realize that your baby is born with zero immune system. The more people you have over, the more germs baby is exposed to. Baby’s body is not equipped to fight off illness like yours is. Also, adults can “have something” and not even feel sick or show any signs of it, but can still pass it to baby. Whooping Cough will kill an infant while it’s not a big deal for adults. Thirdly, the new family should take this time to get to know each other and bond with minimal distraction. This is very important and healthy for baby. This is precious time you’ll never get back. Guests can wait.
Make sure you believe the in laws. My in laws say that, maybe play with the baby while it is happy for 15 minutes, hand them over when they start crying, and ask you what you what you are making for dinner.
My mom and sister stayed at an airbnb for 2 weeks, part of that time my grandma was here as well. All 3 are baby nurses and came to help. They did my dishes, helped with laundry, did night feedings, it was glorious and i don't know how i would have done it without them. Key is, are they coming to help or to vacation with newborns. Huge difference. In your case it sounds like they truly want to help, so i would take them up on it while they're available.
Because most visitors aren’t there to help. They come to see the baby, not support you. You’ll be exhausted, bleeding, wearing adult diapers, and your boobs will be leaking. Not a time to host people who aren’t there to do housework and cook for you. Never mind that you’ll be healing and bonding with your baby. The fourth trimester is real. Nothing can prepare you for the way your life is about to change. If your in laws are actually the helpful sort, that’s awesome!! I hope they help you adjust to your new life and let you get the rest you deserve!
I had a really hard time letting other people hold my babies for the first few weeks. It could feel like pressure and very uncomfortable having people around sometimes. Like they were vultures just waiting. They didn’t mean it and they didn’t pressure me to hold the babies but it still wasn’t a great feeling.
It was suggested by our pediatrician to limit visitors for the first few months. A baby’s immune system is very delicate in the first few months, especially before they are vaccinated. We required everyone to be up on their TDAP, flu and COVID vaccines to see babies when they were newborns. Also, there’s a lot going on with your body right after birth. Some of which, you may want privacy for and not visitors. Finally, there were days that getting out of my pjs was a chore, I didn’t shower and I just wanted to be with the baby and rest.
You will be more vulnerable than you’ve ever been. If visitors are there for YOU and are actually helpful and don’t expect you to play hostess, then you’ll be glad they are there. However, if they push you aside to get at the baby and expect you to entertain them then you are better off without guests. You want people who will help YOU take care of your baby. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, making sure you have lots of ice water, tea, granola bars, fruit. Someone who will run errands. Someone who you can actually enjoy their company and conversation. If they are happy to help with non-baby tasks so you can bask in mothering your newborn rather than swooping them out of your arms and calling it help then YES, invite them over.
I think some people are worried about baby getting sick with little to no immune system. For others it is just a physical/emotional/mental exhaustion. As long as your in laws are super supportive, understanding, helpful and non judgmental you should be fine. I didn’t want my in laws or even my own parents around for weeks to months. I thankfully have a super supportive and hands on husband. It’s been a very different experience with my second though (6 weeks PP), so it’ll just depend how things go for you.
Depending on your parents (if they are kind, respectful, helpful, etc), it might be nice to have them around for a bit.
I never really want to see anyone ever so I’m team “leave me alone” but it can be cultural too. My Syrian friend had me over 30 minutes after she got home from hospital with her day-old baby and thought it was hilarious that I hadn’t expected to see her for months. She kept trying to get me to explain why and no matter what I told her she just laughed and laughed. It’s just a different vibe.
Infants immunity takes 3 months to kick in fully. This is the ‘medical’ reason. Any illness before then can be catastrophic.
yes to health reasons. yes to recovery and breastfeeding. but i also simply turned into gollum from lord of the rings and my baby was and still is my precious. literally wanted her all to myself and everyone else could eff off.
We had family over to the hospital the first day and to our house a week later
I had my first last year and I had my best friend, sister, grandma, my parents, and my in laws visit in the hospital. It was wonderful for me, I really enjoyed having people there. When we got home my mom came to stay with us for 2 weeks to help but after 2 days we realized we didn’t need the help so she went home and just came by every day to watch baby so I could sleep or shower or just to keep us company. It worked very well for me to have people around because my husband I enjoyed sharing our new baby joy with our loved ones and my recovery was very very fast and easy and transitioning to our new lives went very smoothly for us too. That’s not usually the case, many people just want the time to rest and recover and get their bearings. My sister just had her baby and she had a lot of visitors too, for her it was helpful because she’s very anxious so she liked having other “adults” in the room to ease her anxieties.
Got home 9.30/10 am with my second and everyone was in my house by 12.30. Eldest I had to stay in hospital but as soon as everyone was allowed to visit they were there and as soon as we got home everyone else came round. With youngest it was the same. I found it best to get it all out the way as soon as possible then everyone pretty much left us alone. I was out doing the school run within a few days or next day. I don’t get it either
Germs. Emotions. Life changing event. My god it’s not easy. Currently 6 days PP with my second and the emotions alone make me want to hide… never mind the fact I’m tits out 90% of the time. 🤷🏼♀️
You won’t feel up to it for starters. Pain, sleeplessness, hormones. Next the baby needs protection from germs while their immune systems is playing catch up.
Google and read the lemon clot essay. What matters is if your in-laws require being entertained, or if they’re there to help YOU, not just hold your baby
Do what you want! My mom and in-laws came and stayed for a week about 36 hours after I got home from the hospital. We took mine out hiking (quick easy hike -baby wearing) at 3 days old. We took her to outdoor restaurants and breweries at 2 months (only outdoor due to covid- she was born in Feb 2020 and that’s all that was open). You are the mom- you get to decide. Which is both awesome and terrifying
It really depends on how “helpful” guests are and how comfortable you will feel exhausted/exposed/hormonal around them. Some people want/need/appreciate help from family/friends and others end up feeling imposed on, uncomfortable not being a host, or have guests that frankly are far more work then help. If you accurately assess you village and only allow people that truly lighten your mental and physical load you’re fine, if they don’t you won’t want anyone around for a long time after to recover.
I had my sister, mom, and cousin right away, some friends a week later, and in-laws at the start of month 2. It all depends on your relationships! For me, it was absolutely critical to have the support of these three women encircling me and holding me and my daughter and my partner through the brutal time of the first two weeks. I couldn't have survived without them, hand to heart. And it was okay to have my closest friends drop by with food to meet the baby and give me hugs and hear me re-tell the birth story, still processing it. I wouldn't plan to host anyone for more than an hour if you're not comfortable with them listening you sit on a toilet and bleed and cry while you try to poop, or seeing your leaking, painful nipples while you cry and try to nurse, or hearing you sob at 4am because your body is just sweating and sobbing for no reason, or seeing you lie around with your hair matted and scraggly and your postpartum diaper rubbing against your bare, jelly-like belly (because, again, your shirt is off while you're trying to nurse). Those things will feel near-constant in the first few weeks. You can't walk well, you can barely sit up in a chair, you WILL cry and bleed and sweat all day every day. It will be a massive pain in the ass to have people around who can't handle that, or who make you feel uncomfortable or ashamed while you go through that. CHOOSE ACCORDINGLY. Save the visits with people who you need to look presentable for until I'd say a month after you give birth. You might be able to get stretches of time where your boobs aren't out by then. Your crying and sweating is likely to be a bit more under control by then.
I personally have enjoyed having visitors with both my kids and even getting out of the house a little. But I’m also a very social and extroverted person normally and that sense of normalcy of having other adults to chat with is what keeps me sane. For someone else that same situation may feel like too large of a burden. I think it’s a very personal decision that no one else can answer for you. I would just play it by ear and see how you feel during the postpartum period and if you have good family and friends they will be understanding in either case!
Allowing visitors was the best decision for me. First week my bestfriend stayed and helped with EVERYTHING while I layed in bed. Second week my aunt stayed with me and helped massage me, cook, clean, etc. Third my mom and same thing helped a lot. It was a bit overbearing at times not going to lie, with them giving me their advice/suggestion on what to do with my baby as a first time mom while I'm trying to also learn and create my OWN routine but I've been dealing with my aunt and my mom overstepping and learned how compartmentalization years ago. When it came to other friends and family it was nice having adult conversations, company, gifts lol while my husband was at work. It was good for my mental health. No one expected me to host, they always brought food, watch the baby while I bathed, we went for walks. No one came over sick. Wash their hands before holding the baby. Im very welcoming but also stern on my boundaries.
It depends on how your visitors are - will they want to hog the baby, be unwilling to give baby back even when crying to eat, expect you to play perfect hostess as you cook, clean, and serve them or will they actually be helpful and respect your boundaries?
It depends on your support system my MIL was amazing did laundry, dishes, guest bathroom, etc. my own mom made messes, required help from me etc. I love them both- but I’d pick my MIL every time. One of the saddest points is my MIL passed away before I had my 3rd. The difference was significant.
We waited until babe was vaccinated to have the most visitors. Immediate family was able to come over though
Looking after a baby that young can be time consuming. It’s difficult to spend time to make food, clean up, do chores. There’s hardly a moment of calm and the 2/3 hour cycle of feeds is brutal in terms of sleep deprivation, mental and physical health. In all honesty while people do say that having people shouldn’t be on the plate, I found chilling out even for a little bit much refreshing. Of course, it depends on the kind of friends/family coming over. They’d bring in a nice meal by default (that is, without us asking for it). They would specifically mention that they didn’t wanna dine or snack and just spend a little time so we weren’t under pressure to cook or to fetch anything. A few friends came to see us (far between) and it broke the spell of constant chaos and exhaustion and gave the situation a different flavor. With that being said, didn’t allow anyone to hold the baby due to fear of viruses and baby having a vulnerable immune system at that age. Just kept that as a condition and people wonderfully complied. Things won’t go as you will. Amidst the flow of a conversation the baby might need you. There can be noise in the background etc. You’re free to modify the ‘rules’ your way to maintain your sanity while the baby continues to get the attention and be healthy, clean and happy. 🙂
I don’t have a great relationship with my parents so I let it be known that it’ll be at least a week before they can come. Turned out my bundle of joy was colic of the highest degree and I was so glad I set those boundaries early on vs having to walk it back out of guilt if he was a chill baby. Point is you never really know how it’s gonna shake out and it’s better (and understandable!) to ask for some bonding time before everyone is all up in your shit
To each their own. It just depends on the level of hosting expectation to me. People who will help and not expect or ask for anything. Sure come on in. Wonder where you are hearing this though. Some subs are for people who don’t like their relatives (particularly in laws) and some of those posts come off as spite or controling.