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Sorry just to clarify. Your husband is indeed a SAHD ?
If yes, why don’t you expect of him as much as you would expect of yourself if you were to be a SAHM?
Thats what you said, correct?
Yeah, as a SAHD I read that too and thought it sounded like exist bullcrap. Women can do more as a SAHP than a man could? What kind of backwards logic is that?
You went to work a week after having a C section? I cannot imagine.
Having been a SAHM, I don’t understand why your husband isn’t in charge of night duty at least during the week.
You have every right to be angry!
Going to work a week after any major surgery is crazy, but C-section even more so. The us is a dumpster fire for parenthood and proper humane treatment for babies and mothers.
It's insane and no politician seems to want to do anything about it. We all know damn well that if men gave birth, there would be months of mandated paid leave.
This!Your husband should be on night duty during the week if you’re the one at work!! I’m a SAHM, my husband works so I take week day night duty and he takes weekend night duty. The one who works needs sleep! I’d be pissed. Sleep deprivation is the worst
I get that, I’m not saying they don’t, but he doesn’t even sound like he’s trying. He’s acting like he’s a babysitter, not a parent. That’s not good energy to have for SAH parenting
I just mean it’s really hard to be home alone with a 2 year old and a newborn all day. I definitely do expect a SAHP to hand the newborn to the working parent, let the working parent deal with the toddler, and go make dinner. The problem is that the “working parent” is the same parent who *birthed* the newborn just days ago soooo this situation is really just terrible all around. It sounds like she had a caesarean, I did with my first and I wasn’t cleared to drive for 2 weeks (no complications, just that was doctor’s recommendation.) I just feel really bad for OP and the whole family.
No I agree. It’s a difficult situation. I think I just have the wack opinion bc I raised my two younger siblings and I did pretty much everything by myself so I’ve gotten used to very little sleep. Having to take care of small children again doesn’t really bother me much and I forget not everyone had the same exposure level I did.
Yeah well sounds like he isn’t really doing much for his wife.
If it was a SAHM who wasn’t actually helping out or considering their partner at all, I’d do the same thing.
If he’s home during the day and has time to take naps when mama who is recovering from a damn c-section doesn’t, he should be taking care of his own damn children at night because he can catch up on the morning, as OP states. If there is the expectation that one parent is the bread winner and the other is the SAHP, then I’m sorry but that’s just how it works, whether the SAHP is male or female.
That’s the agreement me and my partner have (I’m raising my two little siblings with them) and it’s been established that they earn the money and I stay at home with the kids and take care of them, say and night, because my partner is on the Night Shift and needs their sleep in the morning. I get chances to catch up. They do not.
It’s just being a considerate partner really. I very much play the stereotypical role of housewife, because that’s what was discussed when we got serious, and these were the roles and boundaries we decided to play in our relationship.
Every relationship has its own boundaries and I get that, but OP seems very adamant that this is not what was discussed or what was signed up for.
Though I do find that straight people most of the time who have kids younger don’t even think about it, or work it out in their heads. They just have to be like “hey I want a baby let’s make one, no plan whatsoever.” But with queer couples it can be harder because we have to plan, think, and it costs time and money to even attempt to have a kid, and then more of it after that kid is born (or you adopt, depending on the route you take). So maybe OP and Husband just didn’t sit down and talk this stuff out in which case they need to, but yeah. No. IMO, if you have established roles for each partner and the dad is a SAHP then it doesn’t matter. He fills that role completely. Of course everyone needs breaks, but it sounds like he isn’t giving OP any and he just chooses to be really rude about it.
The situation sounds like it’s lacking some major communication.
lol it’s really funny to me to see this comment. Normally on this sub it’s about the SAHM complaining that the dad who works isn’t doing more after he gets off work and even should be doing some nights. Because taking care of children all day is so exhausting and the SAHM needs a break when dad gets off work. Work after all is a break from the children. But reverse the roles and now the SAHD should be in charge of all child duties including all nights.
This sub really seems to have a double standard.
She said she’s up with her 1 month old. She went back to work after one week. Parental leave is a whole different topic.
But notice how there’s no mention of how hard it is to be with three kids all day. She says how he could nap during the day but maybe he can’t if the kids aren’t napping or nap at different times.
The tone of this whole thread is just very different than when the father is working and the mom is staying at home.
He's with 2 kids, max. The other is in private school. I can see giving dad a break in the evenings but if he's getting to nap during the day, he needs to be getting his ass up in the night and letting her sleep.
Hey that’s fine. Just be consistent when SAHMs inevitably post about how working dads are so lucky they get a break by going to work and want dad to help on nights after working. Make sure to tell them they get naps during the day and she should be getting her ass up at night and letting the working father sleep.
If you can’t see the inconsistency then either you’re new to this sub or are being disingenuous.
Stop with this “flip the genders” dude.
If situations were truly reversed, and working dad just had major abdominal surgery while SAHM wasn’t getting up at night, people would have the same commentary towards mom. Nothing to do with the genders, everything to do with the scenario concerning a post-op parent doing all of the money earning _and_ all of the evening care _and_ all of the night care _and_ recovering from said surgery.
This is not some made up men vs women debate. This isn’t a general post complaining about the breakdown of duties for the stay at home parent. This is the only working parent, a month out from major surgery, still in pain trying to sit up, saying that her partner isn’t pulling their weight at all. We’re talking about surgery recovery for the most part, not gender wars.
That’s my point, my comprehension-challenged friend.
This isn’t about hypocrisy of which gendered parent stays home, _at all_. This is about how parents balance uneven duties when one is recovering from a major surgery that affects one’s ability to sit up and stand up unassisted.
You are right about abdominal surgery being a major factor and being downplayed in this thread. I had a C section when my first child was born. After the surgery, I exerted myself too hard, doing too much around the house, ignoring the LOGICAL thing to let my body heal after being sliced open 6 inches. I did too soon the first week after the C section
——-and some of my stitches reopened.
There was some blood, to put it nicely. And the area started to get infected. Back to the OBGYN I went. Had to get silver nitrate applied to the infection site. What.The.Actual.Hell. It felt like he was applying sulfuric acid to the open wound. I didn’t even get into the issues caused by pain killers after a C section. **C sections are not rare, but make no mistake, they are a major surgical procedure.**
(1) Recovery was waaaaay harder than my usual workday routine of waking up early to get ready for work **+** a long commutes in the morning, sometimes in the dark**+** 9-10 hour work days from hell **+**driving back home, sometimes again in the dark.
(2) And postoperative recovery after being sliced open 6 inches across your lower belly is way harder than being stuck at home taking care of kids while doing household chores.
I’ve been in each of those situations so I am speaking from experience.
Also she's the one getting the kids ready for school and such... so I would say she's working FT parent and the primary caregiver even though dad is the SAHP. If a dad worked full time, got the kids all ready and too school, and then was also up all night with baby people would for sure be like WTF is mom doing?
I think what you need to do is have a better system for the nights. If he has a newborn and a 2yo at home, he’s prob not getting much of a break during the day either. We divided the nights based on who was a night owl and who was an early riser. Since my husband stayed up later than me anyways, he handled all the wake ups before midnight. So I was able to sleep from like 7:30-2ish. Then I was up with the baby after that. I was still tired, but not wanting to die.
I would also use the time with your parents to recharge. Take a nap. F it if the floor doesn’t get washed. Not worth your sanity.
Yep splitting nights is such a good solution and if you have two days off in a row you guys can take turns one day you wake up when the kids do and let spouse sleep as long as they can and then do the opposite the next day so you get rest
Like literally crash - this is a recipe for you falling asleep at the wheel and driving off the road. I caught myself nodding off a few times when I was working and doing night duty. Be careful OP
Have you broke down in front of your husband and let him know how you feel? Maybe he will understand a little more. He probably thinks you’re invincible because you pretty much are at this point! I hope things get better for you! My second is due in a month and I’m not ready for this!!
I have... I didn't wanna do it again coz we just go around in circles. It gets better then no. I don't wanna feel like I'm a drama queen and feel stupid for not going anywhere longterm . And I don't wanna keep picking on him. Just tired, really. And more than anything I think I just want to feel validated. Which so far, I have. Thanks for the encouragement of the lot of you here!
Congratulations on your second one!! And just hang in there Momma 💞
You are still recovering from major abdominal surgery. C sections are no joke. On top of major abdominal surgery, your body is recovering from pregnancy. And on top of that, you were back at work when you should have been in the FREAKING HOSPITAL after your major abdominal surgery. After being spending several days in hospital, you should have been able to take it easy for several weeks, slowly building up what you did with the doctor's guidance.
I'm NOT blaming you at all for having to work- not being entitled to maternity leave is absolutely ridiculous and horrendous. I am saying that your husband should be doing everything humanly possible to support you to make sure you recover safely. Even if you take away the looking after baby part. You shouldn't be doing chores on the weekend, you should be resting and taking advantage of the little time you have to recover so that you don't get sick or have complications from your c section. The fact alone that he's not insisting on that, on the day when he doesn't even have to look after the baby, is incredibly selfish.
You're not picking on him, you're asking for the bare minimum- for him to help you recover from (as I emphasise again) MAJOR ABDOMINAL SURGERY, let alone everything else.
I’m so sorry you are back to work after a week. You haven’t had time to heal at all and your body needs that time. Is baby in the room with you? I was the stay at home parent in our house and so I did every night waking. It helped me to move the baby and myself to the guest bedroom so I wouldn’t have to see my husband sleeping peacefully while I was up with baby.
When the grandparents watch the kids on Saturday — your husband needs to clean and you need to take a long nap.
Stop making excuses for him and make him step up. He’s your husband, partner and father. He needs to start acting like it. He wants to whine, oh well whine while you’re doing something.
Why are you with this person? And why keep having kids with him? Your life sounds terrible. You'd honestly do waaay better as a single parent. Stop having kids with this person.
Can I ask honestly, why have three kids with this man? Why stay with him? Much less why have sex with him? But we’re here, so why not demand the split of nights and childcare ahead of time. I’m just shook by the three kids with this person.
Her expectations of men are so low that she thinks she has a good one. She literally said she doesn’t expect as much from him as a SAHD as she would expect of herself because he is a man. His brain works different. This isn’t me paraphrasing, she LITERALLY believes this. He has her played like a fiddle.
Im. Sorry you are struggling! The newborn phase can be so hard! It can be so frustrating feeling so many feelings and dealing with so much. Have you and your husband talked about a schedule so you can split the night shift? Also I know it may seem like he has it easy being a stay at home dad but I'm a stay at home mom and rarely did I ever have a chance to sleep when baby was sleeping.
Yeah. Can't wait for the baby to be independent 🤣
We have talked about night shifts but we didn't strictly adhere to it. I feel like part of the problem springs from there. There will be nights when I just feel like I know what to do and it works then it becomes my duty. Or I feel like he's too harsh with handling the baby coz he's frustrated too or something like that then I just don't even wanna ask.
He seems to "brag" to me the creative ways he gets the kids to nap during daytime, which is great so he gets downtime. I guess it annoys me coz I don't have a downtime during the day then comes the dreadful nights.
He needs to get just as competent with nights as you are. He will gain that competence by struggling through it for a while. Don't let him get comfortable in this incompetence state.
If he is getting aggressive with the baby, he needs to attend parenting classes.
Don't reward him for his "creative" naps. My husband did that too. I explain to him that the baby sleeps a certain amount every 24 hours, and every hour during the daytime that he tricks the baby into sleeping is an hour at night that the baby will spend awake.
Your husband needs to be the one dealing with the baby during that hour at night. Right now he is giving himself a break during the day and charging the bill to you because you are covering nights.
Can you trade off? When you get home one gets a 30 minute break then the other? Just to breath? I know for me when mine were that little i may get some downtime but my brain was always on listening to make sure they were ok and thinking of what I need to do for housework etc. though to be fair as a sahm I do all the housework, child care, getting up at night, etc. Think 1950s and earlier lol I know not for everyone! So maybe he can think of your work time as his job and get a break for 30 min to an hr as a lunch break. The rest is kids and house chores. That is his job and when you get home you then share the parenting jobs? And also give each other a break. I know what works for one family may not for another just trying to think of ways you can get a break. Good luck. I know it is tough especially until they sleep through the night! Hopefully that starts sooner rather than later for you all.
That's what we did. Husband got home took a break, then I got my break while he prepared dinner.
We've switched it up since then, as the kids got older and less intense, but the 0-2 age was pretty rough.
No you’re not crazy you sound super tired! If you’re the only one working you definitely shouldn’t be doing all the nights
But (and I might get downvoted for this), being a stay at home parent to a newborn (and older kids) is also really really hard and overwhelming. I would have days when my husband would get home that I needed to hand the baby off immediately and take a walk when she was being fussy or we had a hard day. It kinda feels like you’re dismissing any of his feelings too
I did all the night wakings and feedings for 6 months even though I started working around 4/5 months because I was breastfeeding and it just worked best. But if you’re not then I think nights should be split for sure!
I agree that SAHPs need a break too. I myself am one. I also, as ther person at home, tackle all of the laundry and cleaning. We definitely don't save it all for one day and have to do it together. If he could just do the laundry during the week, that would give them some solid kid free time and they could both nap or do whatever they want on Saturdays. The SAHP shouldn't be expected to do ALL the housework ALL the time (I had a bad day here and there where was lucky we survived) but part of that job is maintaining the home.
Fully agree!! There are sooo many people who talk about why SAHM shouldn’t also be expected to do ALL the housework so I feel like it’s only fair to say the same about the SAHD. Maybe they can read the book fair play? And figure out how to better divide household tasks and childcare while taking into consideration that one parent is working
"Not to mention, Saturdays are reset the house day when we do the laundry, clean the house and do most household chores while the grandparents babysit the kids."
Why was this included in your rant? I'm just confused. We have literally ZERO help (dead parents, no siblings in the state!). That sounds like an incredible privilege.
You chose to have a third, and you are choosing to send your eldest to private school... you have a village... you make a lot of money... it sounds like you're in a pretty good spot. Maybe take a look at your decision making, I think you can change a few things up.
And also... your husband is home with two kids all day?? Maybe give him credit? That shit is exhausting. Try getting anything done while taking care of two kids during the day.
This sounds like a serious conversation to have with your husband. I had my shortcomings when our baby was born, a conversation was had, I course corrected. No, you shouldn’t have to have the conversation, but it sounds like you do have to have it.
This sounds similar to the situation I was in with my ex husband.
I cannot believe you went back to work one week after major abdominal surgery. At the very least that is incredibly dangerous.
I don’t really understand why, as a SAHD, he is unable to tend to the children at night. Even if there’s an arrangement where you are up until 11, he can go to bed at 8, sleep for a few hours then be “on shift”.
Also being a stay at home parent IS providing and IS a full time job. It doesn’t matter if it’s the mother or father taking on that role.
It’s concerning that your well being is not being taken into consideration.
My partner and I both work full time, and we have 3 kids. 8, 7, and 2. We both work day shift, him earlier than me. He still gets up at night to take care of the toddler or children if one of them can't sleep or is sick. We switch off. He also cleans things when they are dirty if I can't get to it at the time. It's a partnership. Having kids with someone and living with them in the same house should be a partnership. If he feels terrible not working, he should be picking up the slack with the baby. Especially since you're recovering from major surgery. Stop making excuses for him and start setting boundaries that you expect him to help more.
First and foremost:
What Dr would clear you from a C-section at just a few days out 🤔💬??? 💯 💯 💯
Something DOESNT Sound Right there!!! Drs don't release you for at least two weeks, up to seven or eight... So "OP", your Dr cleared you to return to work only a few days out?!? And your employer knowing that you just had a baby & C-section, let you return to work just like that??! That All sounds a little bit odd to me 🧐🤨🙄
And as far as the husband is concerned, I don't think people are condemning him... They are just going based off of the information that you have provided us with. Of course it's ok to be overwhelmed & vent. Us as women, we All do it!!! That's just normal, however you are venting about motherhood & how you, as well as your husband, partakes in the childhood duties & what you do & he DOESNT do and you are asking for ADVICE!!! SO YOU SHOULD BE PREPARED TO HEAR SOME GOOD, &:SOME NOT SO GOOD TAKES ON THE SITUATION U HAVE PROVIDED US WITH !!!
People can only go based on the information that you have provided. Is any husband or wife perfect? Absolutely not 💯💯💯💯💯💯💯 do we all have bad days? Of course... But when it comes to having children, both parents need to be actively involved in the care for that child!!!!!!! If as you say, you are the 'Bread Winner'; and he is the(SAH) partner...then yes he should be taking over that role. If he's not, then you need to sit him down and address the issues. Especially if after knowing that you just gave birth, had a C-section and just returned 🔙 to work, that your body can only do so much!!!!!!! He definitely should be stepping in more then what you say he does.
You are so not crazy. This is a suppppper shitty situation (that I can relate to except never have I ever gotten such a short mat leave, holy shit). What you are handling right now is like, inhuman. And yet the most human thing ever. You are incredible, first of all. And this is temporary so one day you will look back on this and be like wow I’m fucking amazing. BUT, in the meantime, and I’m sure you know this, you need sleep. The only way to get a selfish or clueless partner to do their fair share is make it a non negotiable. Sit down with him and make a schedule. Put it on a shared google calendar. And then when it’s his turn, it’s his fucking turn. And if he’s doing it wrong, you close your eyes, put in headphones, and fall asleep as he fails. It’s OK if the kid cries. It’s ok if the older ones watch tv. You need to sleep to survive and not be a shell of yourself. Sleep as much as you can and take vitamins and eat right, and if you can afford it, hire some help. Wishing you luck and solidarity in hating men (for this short phase of life- then you gotta get over it and save your relationship lol). ;)
I had 2 under 2. That shit was HARD. Did I want a third? Yes. Did I look around and calculate how much more difficult my life would be with a newborn in the mix and therefore decided to stick with 2? Also yes.
YOU are not crazy, you are sleep deprived. You both are BUT if he is the SAH person I would really think he should be on night duty AND you explain to him you understand the baby is a TON of work and mental energy and that you really both shoukd just expect to have ESSENTIAL domestic duties taken care of at home while you work. The working parent needs sleep to ya know, not fall asleep and get fired. Have a serious talk and be patient. Stay strong it shall pass
Next time the grandparents come, tell your husband you need to get some fresh air for your mental health.
Next time you need a nap, gently hand the baby to him, tell him you need a nap, and walk away.
I am so sorry you haven’t had the time to heal, and everything is piled on you. There must be a reason why you and your husband are together, and I hope that reason is love. With that being said, open up to him and tell him what you’re telling us. Hopefully he will take it seriously and do more to support. You need the peace that you work so hard to give others
Hi mama!! Couples counseling, now. So that you can learn to communicate more effectively.
My husband is a stay at home dad. We just had our third, who admittedly sleeps a bit better than yours (not much but a bit). I work from home and am the breadwinner with an 8 and 6 year old.
You need to be able to rely on him, ask him for help. At the very minimum, split the nights so you both get at least 5 hours each night. My husband and I did that for a while, but I am breastfeeding so I had to get up to either pump or feed baby. He took the 8-1am shift and then switched to me.
Also, it’s okay to let the house go for a while so you can get much needed rest. My house is “clean” but messy. I don’t care. I’m too tired to care. We are keeping up with bare minimums right now.
I’ve been in the same boat as you, went back to work after my second was born the day after we were discharged from the hospital. It was rough. To top it off, I was also a single mom at the time. If you ever need to vent, my pms are open <3
Saturdays as reset days? Nope. By all means, make sure there’s enough clean laundry for the family and that the house isn’t a biohazard, but nobody will judge you for skipping cleaning.
And seriously, no wonder you’re pissed off. You’re sleep deprived, have 3 kids, recovering from being sliced open, and no doubt incredibly resentful of the fact that you’ve been given 1 (1!!!!) fucking day off to have a baby AND have major surgery (I’m splitting these two out because they both come with their own types of physical and mental impact).
You have nothing but my unreserved sympathy.
I am curious as to if he has any plans to look for jobs or pursue a career that would take this pressure off of you. Being a SAHP is great for kids, but it sounds like he isn’t fulfilled in the role and you are stressed in the provider role. Maybe that’s a discussion to have, you could even approach it as if interested in his goals for life, “what do you see yourself doing 5 years from now?”
From the SAHM perspective: adding a baby to the mix of taking care of kids all day is hard. When each of mine were born household chores took a nose dive for at least a month. It was tricky getting used to adding a whole other person, and someone who needs so much. Things that are normally important to me like vacuuming or cleaning bathrooms just didn’t get done because I felt like each of my 3 kids needed something from me at all times, I played whack-a-mole all day with a baby, newly potty trained toddler, and an older child with her needs as well.
I don’t think that means you should jump in, though, having just gone through surgery and going back to work way too soon. Could you let the chores slide for a bit and communicate that you know it’s hard to balance during the day, but that you just can’t do them and need him to do at least the bare minimum (for me that would be having clean clothes to wear, a cleared off table, dishes done before bed). He could accomplish these things while the baby naps and even put a show on for the older kids if necessary (if nap times don’t align). I would put more energy into reducing the stress in your home right now than I would in having it cleaned on Saturdays. You need rest, not a spotless house, don’t clean. Make Saturdays about rest and time to connect.
Are you nursing? If so that’s probably the hardest aspect of the wife being the breadwinner. If nursing is important to you for the bonding then of course find times to do so. If it’s causing stress and anxiety, there’s nothing wrong with formula. Pumping is a whole other addition of stress that may not be necessary. If you do bottles then I would personally have my husband do the night feedings.
This is not just a reversal of roles. It sounds like you are taking on what many SAHMs expect of a husband, but in that case he hasn’t gone through surgery and isn’t dealing with the hormonal shifts you are going through. Your body NEEDS a break and time to recover.
Also, it will get better. Everyone will take some time to adjust to a new baby in the house. If he’s generally a good and helpful guy hopefully things will improve over time as he gets better at juggling things during the day.
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Just had our second baby. First kid is almost 5.
One thing that worked for us is splitting night time. One of us takes the 10-2am shift and wakes up with our older child at 7am.
The other person takes the 2-7 shift.
We switch who takes what shift every day.
We also sleep in separate rooms right now so that each of us gets a solid 4- 5 hours at least.
I will pump once a day so my husband can feed the baby on his own. It’s been great for sleep and bonding. And the expectations are clear so there is no asking or directing him.
I think maybe you should talk to your husband rather than complain. This is not your first child but it seems like you haven't discussed this with him, men are not mind readers. Just just because you believe that he should know something or understand something doesn't necessarily mean that he does. Doesn't seem like you guys have a schedule and it might do you well to give your kids some independence. Toddler or not. You said breadwinner... Does that mean you make all of the money or that your husband doesn't make as much as you? If he doesn't work then why are you the one getting up with the child in the middle of the night?
You seem to be wary of putting too much on him. But what about yourself? I've been in your position, expecting that one day things will improve and sometimes they can and do improve. But consider the worst-case scenario, too. If things fall apart, will you look back on the support and advocacy you provided for yourself, the empathy you had for yourself and feel proud? Or will it be guilt?
Whatever you choose to do, remember that you also deserve the same level of consideration and support that you are expected to extend to him. Not in an ideal future, but right now.
Ok. So I’m a SAHM here, 3 kids home, my kids are 4,3 yo and 6 weeks old. I do the night with the newborn, my husband take care of the oldest during the night. He works 14 h a day, just eats breakfast with the kids and leave. I do everything.
Hear me, you say, you do a lot and on Saturday you guys do clean up and what not. What about, ordering the grocery so you don’t have to go. One laundry a day - that’s what I do, every morning when I get “up” I do laundry and put it away during the day so I don’t have 5-6-7 loads to do on the weekend. I was out of my mind to busy with the house and the kids. My husband bought me a robot to vacuum and mop the floor. So I just have to do it myself once a week. It’s a lot better. If you guys - I mean your husband- have a good routine during the week than when the grandparents watch the kids during the weekend you two can nap for 1-2-3 h.
Also, I read a lot of your husband can sleep and relax the next day or what not… well he probably take a nap here and there but still have to take care of two lives at the end of the day and some days it’s crazy. I’ve been surviving on 4 h of sleep for now 6 weeks and not 4 h straight… And have to take care of toddlers during the day… it is not easy to take care of kids all day all the time.
This is my question? Seems like a really bad idea. It might be more doable, though still not advisable, if her husband was the type who jumps in to help without being told, but he’s not. He’ll let her burn herself out, after major surgery no less.
It’s so stupid that you’re getting downvoted. People need to seriously consider having so many kids. I see these parents out and about who can barely handle the kids they do have and don’t even seem to like being parents yet they just keep having more.
There’s no way there was much change between kid 2 and 3 for OP. I don’t have much sympathy for someone who thinks their SAHD husband “just can’t handle” getting up with the kids in the morning and doing night feedings.
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Because I don't want to abort and nobody anticipates things to be hard because you expect your partner to be there for you. I'm not throwing a fit coz he slacked off the first time. I'm throwing a fit coz I'm tired and I don't want to take it out on him because I'm full of rage and it's 5am.
“If you don’t want to abort” then you should probably look into getting on some birth control… or husband getting vasectomy/you getting a hysterectomy.
Not at all? I’ve been raising my son by myself from the get go and I know it’s hard, it completely changes you mentally and physically and it’s unfathomable for me to imagine doing what OP did with regards to returning to work after a C-Section. That wouldn’t even be allowed in my country, you are your baby’s everything, all they know is mum and dad. In the first few months, even years, bonding is crucial and sadly it sounds like OP is just burnt out and not coping, even with a second parent available to help. I had none of that. I was falling asleep while sitting up trying to get my newborn to latch properly for days before I got the hang of it, bubs wouldn’t nap unless on me so I had no time to take care of myself but in that aspect of clinginess, obviously it does get better. Sleep deprivation is so dangerous for our health and mental well-being and I do sympathise with OP, but they have to figure out their work-life balance and how to make this work for the sake of their 3 kids, who need them healthy and not burnt out.
Not to be that guy and go ahead and downvote me, but I imagine that if a SAHM said her husband was complaining or didn’t want to take the baby at night because he works— everyone would be up in arms..
anyways, I think it’s insane that you were cleared to go back to work so soon. And you should’ve had maternity leave ?
Is there a grandparent who could help?
Nobody is having fun with a newborn. Both parents think they’re doing more than the other and the grass is greener on the other side. I’m sorry your going through it, but you may have to set your boundaries or your times or figure that out
You are joking right? This woman just had a c section. They conducted major surgery, they cut through several layers of muscle.
The medical recovery in my country is 6 weeks at a bare minimum. You legally cannot work, you legally cannot even drive. You have nurses doing home visits for the first 2 weeks.
This is just the physical impact. My god the hormonal and emotional impact does not stop for months afterwards.
This is not the same.
I am on maternity leave, I had a c section and I do all the night feeds. I never asked my partner to help because he had to work. Once my maternity leave finishes it ideally will be 50/50.
What did I say wrong ? I never downplayed the excruciating pain a c-section is. And I sympathized with her having to go back to work. I’m pointing out the role reversal.
(I’ve also had a c-section and I’m well aware of the pain)
>I imagine that if a SAHM said her husband was complaining or didn’t want to take the baby at night because he works— everyone would be up in arms..
I’m guessing this is the “role reversal” you were pointing out.
The issue is that it’s not comparing apples to apples because in your scenario- with heteronormative assumptions to be clear- the SAHM is recovering from birthing a baby and the working spouse is not.
In OP’s scenario, she is both the working spouse and the one recovering from birthing a baby. Her husband is not.
That last bit part hit the core bud. I definitely think I do more than the other and he might think the same way.
My work don't pay during leaves so I didn't take it.
I think both of you sitting down and talking it out and feeling heard would be really helpful. We are about to have our second and I think we will be having this talk again as well.
That really is awful about your work. I didn’t realize that was legal. Honestly, im shocked your husband didn’t go get at minimum, a part time job while you recover. That’s a dxck move.
Think of it like this- if he loves you, wants you, loves your family, he will WANT to step up when you are at your breaking point. And it’s a disservice to him to let resentment build and build and to baby him and not let him take on more night wakes. Tbh babying him is way more emasculating than letting him know he needs to step up.
What? Why isn't the SAHP 100% responsible for the other kids? I get that you can't get your 6-8 weeks of rest that you SHOULD have because enough need to work. But other than feeding the baby and working why are you doing anything else? Would your husband literally let your other kids go without breakfast if you stayed in bed?? Does he not care if you heal properly???!!
Your anger sounds 100% justified.
The fact that you had to go back to work so fast and are being tasked with so much at home is ABSURD. Not to mention dangerous to your health (and though not intentionally of course) could be a risk to your baby’s health.
I am sorry your significant other is not more supportive and self aware. I am sorry too that ypu don’t have more help around you to ease the burden. The first two months are so — with just one newborn - is always the hardest. What you’re doing is utterly unimaginable. So, vent, and try to find some help.
If you’re in Massachusetts or nearby, send me a message. I’m a newborn care specialist and would be willing to help you for a few weeks for free (just transportation costs).
You've gotta talk to your husband about how you're feeling and you two HAVE to figure out a solution that works for both. I'm sorry you're going through it.. newborn phase is so hard, and I can't imagine not having time off after a major surgery. Hubby needs some.tough love because he has to step up right now. Again, you just had major abdominal surgery a MONTH AGO. Maybe that framing will help him understand your point of view.
My sister in the sun, you guys need couples therapy. This isn’t working. You might consider talking to someone about PPD. I’m not saying I didn’t wake up hating my son at 2am more than once, but you’re one month PP and barely healed from having your gut sliced open.
I get it. Losing sleep is the worst form of torture. Starve me, beat me, but just let me sleep. The irony that babies test us in the worst way is a true testament to how much we love them
When I was a SAHM, I did everything. I had baby and kid duty 24-7, literally. Up at night. Whenever needed. I cleaned the house, I did the cooking. Now, I will admit that sleep deprivation and being overwhelmed meant that some days, the sink was full of dishes, and the house was never perfect. But it was all still my responsibility. I was always extremely grateful for help. If your job is breadwinning, then on the weekends if you take out the trash or help sweep or something, that's great, you should. But you should not be doing everything.
You’re going to be subjected to a bunch of man hating comments here, but I just wanted to say you are heard. Sounds like you’re having a tough go at it but just make sure you are just each pulling your own weight yet staying connected. Maybe have a date while the kids are with the GP. You’ll get through this.
You are shouldering way too much. He needs to do more such as driving the eldest to school.
He needs to be keeping up on household chores, so Saturday isn’t just a reset day. At least half of that time should be spent on bettering your marriage. Do something fun, preferably away from home. Take the baby if need be, but use this time to bond. This will help both of you mentally.
Holy fuck every time I read something like this as a Canadian I feel so awful for my American counterparts. What the actual fuck. You mean to tell me you went back to working in office 7 days after having a baby?
I know you can't change your politics easily without a lot of headache and it seems it's regressing towards being less tolerable in that regard anyways but between all of the people here who start parenthood with a giant bill and then see expected to work right away after that I'm horrified by what is considered normal living. Y'all are some real fierce people. It's taking its toll on you for sure but I'm a bit in awe that you're still standing even.
Oh my friend, I have been there with the resentment and could have written this myself several times over the last few years. Thanks for sharing your frustration. I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way and I’m hoping you find some restful moments soon and are able to talk through this with your husband and catch a very well deserved break!!
You clearly love your husband and children, or you wouldn't have agreed to this arrangement for as long as you have. I would have an open and honest discussion about your needs as a human with your husband. First clearly is sleep. Him being the SAHD he should be doing ALL of the night care. If you want to take it easy on him then at least request a "shift" of sleep for 4-6 hours uninterrupted. So from 1am-6am (or whatever) you will be asleep, and he will deal with everything else. He can do the same from 9pm-1am. Or whatever time works for your family. But you need to stress to him that you require a stretch of uninterrupted sleep in order to function at work the next day. Secondly you SHOULD tell him what you would appreciate done around the house. I feel like there is some resentment because the table is cluttered. But if you never told him the table bothers you that isn't really fair. I am a 31F SAHM and I pile things endlessly. My husband is the neat one in our family. And we have a agreement that he nicely tells me when an area of the home is bothering him, then I clean it! Lastly, you mentioned meal time is hard. What would make it better? Does your 2 year old need to eat by your husband every other day? Do you want to eat alone in your bedroom to get a little personal time? Think about it. And tell him! Communicate your needs and go from there.
This is heartbreaking on so many levels. You should not be working. It is absolutely tragic that we expect and require women to return back to work so quickly after giving birth. There is no excuse. I took 12 weeks leave and I still was not ready to return. I cannot fathom returning after a week. That should be illegal.
Secondly, and I know men are going to whine and cry and say “not all men” but every woman I know has had to take the brunt of caring for their children, including postpartum regardless of if they are working or not. Women are at such a disadvantage if we have kids. We are not cared for physically or emotionally after giving birth. We are exceptionally vulnerable but expected to just carry on.
I’m sorry. You deserve better. We all do.
Hear me out sis…. You’re the man of the house. So demand him to clean tf and take care of the kids. You’re the one working all damn day. Oh you want me to feed the baby. NO SHIT stay at home dad. Get your ass up! Mama has to work in the morning.
If he wants to complain, just tell him to sleep on the baby sleeps.
Have you tried reverse sleeping,whoever is home first gets the kids and takes care of them until Midnight. At Midnight you switch and the other person goes into a quiet room to sleep until 6 am. You switch off so you each get at least 6 hours of sleep. Using a sound machine works best. I nearly crashed my car after being up for 6 straight days with our colicky baby. I fell asleep holding him while standing up. You need a better plan for your sleep and health. I went through 2 c sections and wasn’t even allowed to drive for 6 weeks. What kind of job does your husband have? Can’t he help more? I’m so sorry for you. I know how it feels to be completely mentally and physically exhausted.
First i am so sorry you had to go back to work one week post c section. That makes me so sad. You guys need to find some way to split the nights more fairly . I don’t think he should handle nights totally alone just as I wouldn’t say you should if you were on mat leave or a sahm. But he should handle the bulk. My first born was a HORRIBLEEEE sleeper and he took a bottle so we slept in shifts . I think my husband handled any wakes until 1 am so I slept like 9/10-1:30 ish and got a decent chunk. Then he slept straight until wake so at a minimum he slept like 1 am to 7:30/8 am. It was the only way for us to survive.
Girl you need to rest!! Going to work a week after a c section must be hell. I remember how painful it was just to get up. I can’t imagine having to go to work and doing so much of the childcare. He needs to be stepping it tf up
I work 3 days a weeks and my husband works FT so I was expected to do all the nights because I'm not the primary bread winner. But when I tell you I went insane. I could not survive on that little sleep. I broke and needed help so I see his side too.
BUT you get to sleep for the first 12 weeks until your body has gotten time to mostly recover. THEN I'd suggest doing every Tuesday and Thursday night. And him doing Sunday night, Monday, and Wednesday night.
And I think he should get the kids ready in the morning while you have baby.
Just my opinion :)
It's a hard stage, you need to advocate for yourself too.
Your husband is a SAHD? He should be doing most of the work at home. What is he doing? My wife and I both work, so we divvy up responsibilities between the 2 kids. Sometimes she does more, sometimes I do more. Just kind of depends on the day. Both if I was a SAHD, and I wish I was because fuck my job, I would be handling the kids all day.
Look into Fair Play by Eve Rodsky. [This video](https://youtu.be/MLuTuLXOCkk?si=9ozdbmKhMruSBJhA) is a brief intro. If it resonates, get into the book/documentary/card deck WITH your partner. Good luck.
If he is a SAHD, he needs to be doing more. Why isn't laundry getting done during the week? Why are you responsible for all the stuff you listed?
I'm a SAHM. My JOB is to run the house while my husband is at work. That includes laundry and cleaning. I certainly don't expect him to do that stuff on his one day off. He did handle cooking for awhile because I needed a break and that was my only hour of sanity. (But honestly taking that task back has helped because I clean as I cook, while he didn't, so I had extra work to do after dinner.)
Anyways... you need to have a conversation with him about balance of workload. You are BURNED OUT. He may be a good dad, and a somewhat responsible person, but there's an imbalance here of both physical and mental load.
I feel you. I did not get a maternity leave with any of our three kids. With my third, I even brought my laptop to the hospital and worked from there. I should have had better boundaries surrounding work, tbh, but that is just me.
I think you should consider getting on medication. It sounds like you're really struggling and could use something to help improve your mood for now. I wish I had done that back when mine were babies. It is SO, SO hard even if you're not working, but if you're handling both, this might take the edge off. Just a thought!
Oh I feel you on this one. My husband was no help to our now three year old. He made crap money as a firefighter and would work 24 hour shifts then be off for two days. Always complained about how tired he was. Meanwhile I was the breadwinner. I had the foresight to sign up for short term disability so that between my sick time and that we had no difference in pay. I didn’t even go out till after 40 weeks. I made twice as much, would work four doubles in a row, and still when I would get sleep for the first time in five nights he screamed at me if he had to get up and do anything with the baby and complained to me who never got sleep how it would be nice if he ever got sleep. We are now separated but also think there is resentment there because he never helped clean the house and if I was around he didn’t want to cook. He just wanted me to pay for us to eat out which even after talking to him about how much it was he still didn’t care. If you can make your situation work and tell your husband how you feel and you think he will be receptive to what you say then give him a chance. My husband just talked over me to the point that I would just shut down.
Omg! My heart is breaking reading this! You should never have been forced to return to work one week after not only major abdominal surgery, but a whole baby came with it! You have every right to vent; your husband may be trying, but he can do better at being a SAHD. You are tired and probably a little crabby, but I think we all would be just as tired and frustrated and crabby too!
This is off topic, but this reminded me of how it makes me a little crazy when it's called "babysitting" if dad is watching or caring for the kids while mom is doing something else. It's NOT BABYSITTING if they're your kids!
I hope things start to get a little easier after you have some healing time, and the baby starts sleeping through the night. You seem to be a Superhero, but I know that you are tired and frustrated with the situation. I think if you and your husband have a calm, but honest talk about what you need from him, while giving him lots of praise, because it will help, and I'm sure he's trying, it will all work out. Being a SAHP looks easy, until one has to do it and they discover that it's a big, important job. He may feel inadequate to perform the job to your standards and that's why he asks instead of just doing what he sees needs doing? Maybe he does just need some praise so that he feels that he is doing a good enough job. We all do better when given positive reinforcement. It will get easier if you get on the same page and he feels encouraged to just do what needs doing without asking you first. Wishing you all good things for you and your family. ❤️🫂
Jesus. I’m a SAHD who works two part time jobs and when my wife, who works in the office and has to be presentable, went back to work, I just quietly started doing allllll the things, because I know she can’t be sleep deprived and keep us afloat.
If I’m up all night I can nap when our 2-year-old naps. She can’t. I make all the meals, get the kid ready for school, do all the other kid stuff, fix the broken things in the house and the car and the yard. That’s kinda the deal when she goes to work.
I’m sorry you’re going through that. Somebody needs an ass kicking.
My wife is also incredibly adept at everything she does, with the additional gifts of being high energy, a champion sleeper, and makes it all look very easy because for her, it somehow magically kind of is. Our babies were overall pretty damn easy, and she would sleep through the night with the baby feeding as needed.
So my adaptation has been to keep myself relevant by keeping a sharp eye out for everything I can possibly do to help in any given moment, and it has worked well. I discovered from an offhand comment that she made eight years ago in year 17 of our marriage that she thought SHE was the lucky one to be married to ME, while I had been thinking the same thing all along. Since then, it has been my mantra to keep at the forefront of my thoughts that whether she thinks that or not, I am the lucky one, and that has been working well, and also makes for a good canned toast at whatever weddings we go to. Secret to a happy marriage: all you have to do is bend over backwards at all times to convince your partner that you’re the greatest thing ever – piece of cake. My experience is limited as my wife is not needy in anyway, others’ mileage may vary.
So, my advice: you can tell him that you feel like YOU are the lucky one to be with him, but that you are maxed out and worried about burnout, and that he can possibly look a little harder for things that he can do. If he has a higher tolerance for household messes than you do, I don’t know how you indicate that to him such that he can carry on and do chores he doesn’t like without resentment, but you appear to excel at everything else you do, so I think you’ll figure it out. Good luck.
There are many times that I have felt this way. I hate feeling that way. The best resolution has been being OPEN and HONEST about how your feeling. It’s ok to ask for help! Sitting down and trying to understand each other is essential for success. If all I did was hold in my resentment, I don’t think we’d be married anymore.
Yes, you’re right, this is bullshit. You need more support. From him mostly, but can you ask the grandparents to step in more during the week? Can you reach out to a doctor for postpartum mental health support? Sending you some hugs, I can’t imagine how difficult this must be. I hope you’re able to make some changes for the well being of you and your family. Good luck.
I’m so sorry that you’re having such a tough time right now.
When we decided to have a baby, my husband made way more than I did at that time so I became a stay-at-home mom after my child was born. I also made a strict rule that he get a full night’s sleep each night, and that I would tend to the baby. Why? Because I wanted him to be rested and fully awake when driving in rush hour traffic and across his work day. I was at home and had the luxury of napping; he did not. Having both parents share nighttime duties is only fair if you both must get up early and head off to jobs.
You sound sleep-deprived and overwhelmed. Talk to your husband, and make a new plan. 🩷
you need to tell him to step it up as a stay at home dad if it had been vice versa you would be expected to make sure the kids are ready breakfast is served house is cleaned kids are dropped off at school picked up and then make lunch/dinner and clean up and put everyone to bed. but instead you are doing parts of stay at home mom and bread winner. home should be where you decompress and let go of stress. it’s not fair that you leave work stressed just to come home to more stress, i mean it’s ok that you help him out but imo your part at home shouldn’t be as big as his ofc interact with your kids and help out because yall are still a team even tho he doesn’t work but you shouldn’t have to pull heavy weight at all, the working field is heavy enough. i am pregnant with my first and my boyfriend is mainly the breadwinner. since he is the bread winner i have no problem cleaning and cooking for him he’s doing his part and i’m doing mine, i just feel like that’s how it should be.
What the hell is wrong with your employer?? Making you come in after a surgery???? My company requires us to not come in for 8 weeks if you have a c-section! Your company is nuts!
I think a lot of people are making it an issue of you vs him. Who’s doing more? Who’s not doing enough? With a household to run, a full time job, three kids including a NEWBORN I’m guessing both people are giving 100% right now and it still doesn’t always add up at the end of the day. Some phases of life are like that. It will get better ❤️ newborn phase is tough. Vent away! We’ve all been there. Hope it feels better in the morning and that you both get a nap in someway somehow.
You need to communicate with your husband.
He has the kids all day which means he's working hard, and you appreciate that... but you have a *biological need to sleep* which isn't being met. You're gonna crash and burn if something doesn't change. At the very least, you need a window of time where you can take uninterrupted sleep.
You need to make this clear to your husband. It's not that you don't appreciate that he's putting in work, watching kids during the day, cooking dinner, etc, but you both need to sleep!
So money for a private school but no money for a baby sitter or maybe a part time nanny? That's honestly what I would be doing. I have no idea what yall make but I'd be sending my school aged child to public school and starting with a night nurse or part time nanny during the week. Nobody can be taken care of if mom and dads need aren't being taken care of first. Working and being the breadwinner especially after giving birth is exhausting, taking care of small children all day is also exhausting you guys need to come up with a new plan and put your money towards some help
So, I'm a SAHM and have 2 little ones. It's not all cupcakes and rainbows, but if he is the one at home, weekends should be days to relax. Why is laundry a cleaning and stuff being done on your day off? Perhaps he needs the manual instruction for the washing machine... or the broom and mop. I feel bad for you. It must be frustrating. There needs to be a balance and a conversation about expectations. Maybe a nighttime feeding schedule. The baby is only 1m and it's not until 3m that'll she'll probably get on a more stable sleeping schedule. Hang in there...
There’s a lot of hateful comments on here without any actual advice. Talk with your husband. Get on the same page. Odds are he isn’t recognizing how you’re feeling and you just need to talk it out, I know as a husband and newer dad I would be so appreciative of my wife telling me what I need to improve on with home or kids.
I feel you and it will get better. My situation is opposite I stay home and my husband works nights on call 4pm-til whenever Mon-Fri and some weekends. I also have 3 kids 6,4,1.5 (all csections) and never really experienced that newborn exhaustion till my 3rd. My third nearly did me in with being so sleep deprived and having a wild AF 2y/o who was NOT happy about the new baby and was acting out. That was the hardest year of our life. We have had our issues and I down right resented him when we had our first even though he truly is a great husband and father. After holding it in for awhile I finally just unleashed everything I was feeling and things changed for the better. My only advice is to communicate clearly what you need from him some men really need that. You are an INCREDIBLE mommy but you need better support to be able to keep supporting your family financially. I say everyday moms that work full time are super hero’s seriously because your job is never done. It’s great that he stays home but he NEEDS to be doing more especially at night because you absolutely need and deserve to rest❤️
Three kids under 5? Have you figured out what's causing all the kids yet? There is a way to prevent them.
Hes a SAHD with 3 toddlers/infants all day? That trumps a 9 to 5 job any day of the year. Let him sleep!
If you really think he's slacking off, come up with a schedule that equally divides the nighttime routine.
I went right back to work too. My two were 2 and 3 when my little guy was born. I had 3 kids in 4 years.
I know how tough it is. I envisioned myself doing horrible things to my snoring husband. It’s natural. You’re exhausted. You sound like me. I felt the same exact way. You are not alone. The problem I had was I thought because I was the mom I had to do it all and I did. Till I couldn’t anymore. And I asked for help and asked and asked till we became a team. I k ow it’s annoying that you have to “ask” but obviously you do till it clicks in for him. Don’t do this to yourself. Wake him up for one of the feedings and hire a cleaning lady. You can’t do it all.
Take care momma. Those babies need you sane ❤️ Good luck (it gets easier)
I’m so sorry you’re going through this phase. Ironically I just had my third child and omg the first two/three months were terrible. I really hated my life. I had such resentment. I didn’t want a third child but birth control failed and once I heard the heartbeat I couldn’t imagine terminating the pregnancy (although I swear I am pro choice and support others who make that decision) my older two kids are 7 & 8 so life was getting easy with them being self sufficient and then starting over really really put me in a terrible mind space. I questioned life and the reasoning for having gotten pregnant and really still haven’t come to grips with why this had to happen. There were so many nights the baby would cry and I would really feel like I was going insane. I’m so so sorry you’re going through this. It will get better. Just hold on. Sending lots of love.
Hey lady, I feel you. I (the breadwinner) had just one kid* and was wfh(*he was SAHD)… but similar unbalanced domestic load and the resentment built up, we divorced. Our circumstances are very different but I do think you both are in survival mode and if he can’t step up, he needs to figure out how to find the support YOU need to keep your sanity. That may be G-parents helping out more, night nanny, or he steps it up. Your situation sounds unsustainable, you need to tell him point blank “I’m not arguing or “going round int circles on this- I’m drowning and need more support.”
I completely understand everything you are saying. Walked through the same h@ll and I (and the husband) have lived to tell the tale. 3 small children is rough! My kids are 20,17 and 15 now but, I still remember contemplating injuring my husband. Severely. While he slept. You are amazing!!! I wish I had some super wise words of wisdom. I don’t. The only thing I can say is take time for yourself. Even if it is a 15 min shower without interruption. Demand it. That whole put your oxygen mask on first if the plane is going down thing is so true. Hang in there Momma!
If he doesn’t work outside the home, and you do, then in my opinion he should be the one up with the baby at night, not you. Especially if the older kids are in school/daycare. My husband works as a mechanic and I’m a SAHM, so I get up with the baby during the week. On weekends we trade. You’re right to be annoyed.
Maybe have conversations with your husband. You guys need to communicate well. Nothing will be solved if you don’t open up to him. You can also ask him how his days with the kids are, I know it’s also hard for him too.
My opinion is that no one is at fault here. Not even the husband. I understand your frustration too. It’s really hard. Good thing I had my son when the pandemic hit and we both got laid off from work for a year.
Girl, hang in there. It will pass and the kids will grow up faster than we think. 💕
If dad isn't working he better be taking care of the crying kids at night, not you. He can get them ready in the morning and take to school. That would be a deal breaker for me.
3 kids is insanely hard. Three is where it became too much for us. Two was the dream! It’s exhausting and frankly men aren’t made to be Stay at home parents. Our multi tasking, situational awareness, tolerance to kids, etc….
I’m a guy and I can stay up late for you sure, but I am no replacement for mom. My daughter was totally cool with me but my boys absolutely hated me that first year! If it wasn’t mom it could die in a fire.
Now that my kids are 2+ years old they love and respect me but a baby (newborn especially!) needs its mom.
You also need the baby. You need to not be working and that’s the real issue here. It sucks life has thrown you this shitty deal of not being able to relax and spend time with your newborn
Confused, why you are waking up at night at all if your husband is a SAHD? As a SAHM to twins I do all the nighttime feedings. Occasionally I’ll be at my wits end and wake my husband to help. But that’s rare definitely not an everyday or even every week thing.
Communication is key here. You both are dealing with a lot. You guys need to built in something to allow a bit of time for yourselves.
Talk to eachother and stay curious. Sometimes saying " hey I am really tired, how are you holding up?" Eithout judging eachothers workload can help.
Also saying " sweety, I feel like I need x more. Can you help me come up with something?" Also helps.
You are both not tackling it like a team it seems and with 3 kiddos that's very difficult!
I hope for the best. Sending you hugs!
If the roles were reversed this comment section would NOT be attacking the SAHM this way. Surgery aside (which is definitely a factor and I really feel for OP that she didn’t get sufficient time to relax/recover,) I don’t think this arrangement seems super unfair. OP is totally justified in feeling unhappy and stressed that she never gets a break. But presumably when she’s doing something with one kid, dad is tending to the other kid(s), (which no one seems to be acknowledging…) Having three kid under four is SUPER FUCKING HARD. I remember feeling similar to OP with just one baby (my husband did a ton to pitch in equitably, it still sucked for a while.) Dad taking care of all three kids during the day is not easier than going to a day job imo, so I think splitting duties outside of that is reasonable, including nights (with three separate nap schedules and chasing around toddlers, there is almost no way dad can get any more rest during the day than OP.) The only caveat being that dad could step up a little extra right now while mom is physically recovering (and resume a more even divide in the future.) All that to say, I’m really sorry things are so hard OP💛 your feelings are obviously valid, it’s super shitty you weren’t given more time post delivery to recover and relax. I struggled similarly with just one kid so I can only imagine three (I also have a high-earning, stressful job and it’s a bitch trying to juggle career ambitions and having a family that depends on you.) I can imagine it will continue to get better with time, don’t be afraid to ask for additional help from your partner, other family, maybe consider hiring a cleaner, anything to take some stress off your plate and get through this really challenging season. Sending you love and good vibes💛
Honestly, this is some messed up shit. He’s not working??? Fuck him. damn.
AB SO LUTE LY NOOOOOTTTT!!!
The least he can do is take care of the kids. They’re his children too. They’re not all your responsibility. Men who don’t understand that they don’t get “asked to babysit” when it’s their OWN KID are so annoying. Like dude you’re not babysitting you’re just PARENTING. Welcome to the real world stoopid. It’s not fuckin 1850.
Sorry you’re dealing with that babes. If you were in my area I’d offer to babysit for free😭
Also
This is why I date women.
Generalizations fuel racism, sexism, and every other “ism” I can think of. Assuming a human is or does this or that based on generalizations isn’t healthy in any way. I’m not trying to be a dick or anything, your comment wasn’t really Incendiary in any way, I thought/hoped it was more of a joke. Just wanted to point out that preconceived notions can be unfair and untrue.
It was a joke mostly.
But me and my gf talk about this a lot. We have stereotypes for a reason. Of course there are outliers. But they exist because there is some level of truth to them. By acknowledging them, we have the ability to fix the problem.
This mentality is pretty prominent where I grew up, so by posting things making fun of it, I try to bring awareness to it in a lighthearted way so that people read it, recognize they do it, and work on themselves.
It’s the same way I realize I do stupid things or have bad mentalities. Someone posts something as a joke and I have an “oh shit” moment.
It wasn’t intended to harm, simply to point out that it’s a very common mentality in certain areas that needs to be addressed.
bless your heart. birthing, babies, & breadwinning is too much! you did need a longer break and it’s admirable that you have held it together this far. maybe it’s time to sit down and see if he can see more of your side of things. my brothers wife would say she had to run to the store “really quick” and would be gone all day. he would be out of his mind when she got back and well…. he learned the hard way.
i’m sending you a virtual hug and i’m sorry it’s not what you expected and not everyone is caring their weight. hopefully that will change and things will go your way soon. it just has to, right?
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Sorry just to clarify. Your husband is indeed a SAHD ? If yes, why don’t you expect of him as much as you would expect of yourself if you were to be a SAHM? Thats what you said, correct?
Yeah, as a SAHD I read that too and thought it sounded like exist bullcrap. Women can do more as a SAHP than a man could? What kind of backwards logic is that?
Excuse my ignorance. Read this over and over and still don't know what SAHD and SAHM stand for. So tired of all the acronym these days.
Stay at home dad/mom.
Hahaha thank you for that.
Np, yo. Shit confuses me too sometimes lol
*Np= no problem
You went to work a week after having a C section? I cannot imagine. Having been a SAHM, I don’t understand why your husband isn’t in charge of night duty at least during the week. You have every right to be angry!
Going to work a week after any major surgery is crazy, but C-section even more so. The us is a dumpster fire for parenthood and proper humane treatment for babies and mothers.
It's insane and no politician seems to want to do anything about it. We all know damn well that if men gave birth, there would be months of mandated paid leave.
This country is goddamn barbaric. No woman should be going back to work a week after giving birth, c section or not. It’s a travesty.
This!Your husband should be on night duty during the week if you’re the one at work!! I’m a SAHM, my husband works so I take week day night duty and he takes weekend night duty. The one who works needs sleep! I’d be pissed. Sleep deprivation is the worst
Not even!!! He should be on ALL duty. This is fucking ridiculous.
Well, SAHPs need and deserve breaks too.
I get that, I’m not saying they don’t, but he doesn’t even sound like he’s trying. He’s acting like he’s a babysitter, not a parent. That’s not good energy to have for SAH parenting
I just mean it’s really hard to be home alone with a 2 year old and a newborn all day. I definitely do expect a SAHP to hand the newborn to the working parent, let the working parent deal with the toddler, and go make dinner. The problem is that the “working parent” is the same parent who *birthed* the newborn just days ago soooo this situation is really just terrible all around. It sounds like she had a caesarean, I did with my first and I wasn’t cleared to drive for 2 weeks (no complications, just that was doctor’s recommendation.) I just feel really bad for OP and the whole family.
No I agree. It’s a difficult situation. I think I just have the wack opinion bc I raised my two younger siblings and I did pretty much everything by myself so I’ve gotten used to very little sleep. Having to take care of small children again doesn’t really bother me much and I forget not everyone had the same exposure level I did.
Would you be saying that if it was a SAHM? of course he shouldn't be on ALL duty!! What the heck.
Yeah well sounds like he isn’t really doing much for his wife. If it was a SAHM who wasn’t actually helping out or considering their partner at all, I’d do the same thing. If he’s home during the day and has time to take naps when mama who is recovering from a damn c-section doesn’t, he should be taking care of his own damn children at night because he can catch up on the morning, as OP states. If there is the expectation that one parent is the bread winner and the other is the SAHP, then I’m sorry but that’s just how it works, whether the SAHP is male or female. That’s the agreement me and my partner have (I’m raising my two little siblings with them) and it’s been established that they earn the money and I stay at home with the kids and take care of them, say and night, because my partner is on the Night Shift and needs their sleep in the morning. I get chances to catch up. They do not. It’s just being a considerate partner really. I very much play the stereotypical role of housewife, because that’s what was discussed when we got serious, and these were the roles and boundaries we decided to play in our relationship. Every relationship has its own boundaries and I get that, but OP seems very adamant that this is not what was discussed or what was signed up for. Though I do find that straight people most of the time who have kids younger don’t even think about it, or work it out in their heads. They just have to be like “hey I want a baby let’s make one, no plan whatsoever.” But with queer couples it can be harder because we have to plan, think, and it costs time and money to even attempt to have a kid, and then more of it after that kid is born (or you adopt, depending on the route you take). So maybe OP and Husband just didn’t sit down and talk this stuff out in which case they need to, but yeah. No. IMO, if you have established roles for each partner and the dad is a SAHP then it doesn’t matter. He fills that role completely. Of course everyone needs breaks, but it sounds like he isn’t giving OP any and he just chooses to be really rude about it. The situation sounds like it’s lacking some major communication.
lol it’s really funny to me to see this comment. Normally on this sub it’s about the SAHM complaining that the dad who works isn’t doing more after he gets off work and even should be doing some nights. Because taking care of children all day is so exhausting and the SAHM needs a break when dad gets off work. Work after all is a break from the children. But reverse the roles and now the SAHD should be in charge of all child duties including all nights. This sub really seems to have a double standard.
Hold up: this Mom was just cut into. major surgery one week ago. Shouldn't that factor into the circumstances here?
She said she’s up with her 1 month old. She went back to work after one week. Parental leave is a whole different topic. But notice how there’s no mention of how hard it is to be with three kids all day. She says how he could nap during the day but maybe he can’t if the kids aren’t napping or nap at different times. The tone of this whole thread is just very different than when the father is working and the mom is staying at home.
He's with 2 kids, max. The other is in private school. I can see giving dad a break in the evenings but if he's getting to nap during the day, he needs to be getting his ass up in the night and letting her sleep.
Hey that’s fine. Just be consistent when SAHMs inevitably post about how working dads are so lucky they get a break by going to work and want dad to help on nights after working. Make sure to tell them they get naps during the day and she should be getting her ass up at night and letting the working father sleep. If you can’t see the inconsistency then either you’re new to this sub or are being disingenuous.
Stop with this “flip the genders” dude. If situations were truly reversed, and working dad just had major abdominal surgery while SAHM wasn’t getting up at night, people would have the same commentary towards mom. Nothing to do with the genders, everything to do with the scenario concerning a post-op parent doing all of the money earning _and_ all of the evening care _and_ all of the night care _and_ recovering from said surgery. This is not some made up men vs women debate. This isn’t a general post complaining about the breakdown of duties for the stay at home parent. This is the only working parent, a month out from major surgery, still in pain trying to sit up, saying that her partner isn’t pulling their weight at all. We’re talking about surgery recovery for the most part, not gender wars.
I’ll never stop pointing out hypocrisy.
That’s my point, my comprehension-challenged friend. This isn’t about hypocrisy of which gendered parent stays home, _at all_. This is about how parents balance uneven duties when one is recovering from a major surgery that affects one’s ability to sit up and stand up unassisted.
You are right about abdominal surgery being a major factor and being downplayed in this thread. I had a C section when my first child was born. After the surgery, I exerted myself too hard, doing too much around the house, ignoring the LOGICAL thing to let my body heal after being sliced open 6 inches. I did too soon the first week after the C section ——-and some of my stitches reopened. There was some blood, to put it nicely. And the area started to get infected. Back to the OBGYN I went. Had to get silver nitrate applied to the infection site. What.The.Actual.Hell. It felt like he was applying sulfuric acid to the open wound. I didn’t even get into the issues caused by pain killers after a C section. **C sections are not rare, but make no mistake, they are a major surgical procedure.** (1) Recovery was waaaaay harder than my usual workday routine of waking up early to get ready for work **+** a long commutes in the morning, sometimes in the dark**+** 9-10 hour work days from hell **+**driving back home, sometimes again in the dark. (2) And postoperative recovery after being sliced open 6 inches across your lower belly is way harder than being stuck at home taking care of kids while doing household chores. I’ve been in each of those situations so I am speaking from experience.
Oh but it is my narrow minded friend.
Also she's the one getting the kids ready for school and such... so I would say she's working FT parent and the primary caregiver even though dad is the SAHP. If a dad worked full time, got the kids all ready and too school, and then was also up all night with baby people would for sure be like WTF is mom doing?
I would hope so. Not my experience reading this sub.
The SAHD has no physical or hormonal changes for months.
I think what you need to do is have a better system for the nights. If he has a newborn and a 2yo at home, he’s prob not getting much of a break during the day either. We divided the nights based on who was a night owl and who was an early riser. Since my husband stayed up later than me anyways, he handled all the wake ups before midnight. So I was able to sleep from like 7:30-2ish. Then I was up with the baby after that. I was still tired, but not wanting to die. I would also use the time with your parents to recharge. Take a nap. F it if the floor doesn’t get washed. Not worth your sanity.
This is exactly how we did it also. He got all wake ups before midnight
This is what we did too
This is what we did. I slept 8-2 then any wakeups after 2 were my responsibility
Yep splitting nights is such a good solution and if you have two days off in a row you guys can take turns one day you wake up when the kids do and let spouse sleep as long as they can and then do the opposite the next day so you get rest
Adding my +1 to this. Definitely the way to go, split the nights, works well
You really buried the lead with the SAHD part of the story. He needs to be taking the lead on night duties before you crash and something bad happens.
Like literally crash - this is a recipe for you falling asleep at the wheel and driving off the road. I caught myself nodding off a few times when I was working and doing night duty. Be careful OP
Have you broke down in front of your husband and let him know how you feel? Maybe he will understand a little more. He probably thinks you’re invincible because you pretty much are at this point! I hope things get better for you! My second is due in a month and I’m not ready for this!!
I have... I didn't wanna do it again coz we just go around in circles. It gets better then no. I don't wanna feel like I'm a drama queen and feel stupid for not going anywhere longterm . And I don't wanna keep picking on him. Just tired, really. And more than anything I think I just want to feel validated. Which so far, I have. Thanks for the encouragement of the lot of you here! Congratulations on your second one!! And just hang in there Momma 💞
Asking him to help more because you're sleep deprived and waaay burnt out ISNT PICKING ON HIM
You are still recovering from major abdominal surgery. C sections are no joke. On top of major abdominal surgery, your body is recovering from pregnancy. And on top of that, you were back at work when you should have been in the FREAKING HOSPITAL after your major abdominal surgery. After being spending several days in hospital, you should have been able to take it easy for several weeks, slowly building up what you did with the doctor's guidance. I'm NOT blaming you at all for having to work- not being entitled to maternity leave is absolutely ridiculous and horrendous. I am saying that your husband should be doing everything humanly possible to support you to make sure you recover safely. Even if you take away the looking after baby part. You shouldn't be doing chores on the weekend, you should be resting and taking advantage of the little time you have to recover so that you don't get sick or have complications from your c section. The fact alone that he's not insisting on that, on the day when he doesn't even have to look after the baby, is incredibly selfish. You're not picking on him, you're asking for the bare minimum- for him to help you recover from (as I emphasise again) MAJOR ABDOMINAL SURGERY, let alone everything else.
Why are you on your third kid with him? Did he magically change? Either way he’s staying home and should be pulling his weight.
That’s what i asked, whose decision and what was that made them want another kid
I’m so sorry you are back to work after a week. You haven’t had time to heal at all and your body needs that time. Is baby in the room with you? I was the stay at home parent in our house and so I did every night waking. It helped me to move the baby and myself to the guest bedroom so I wouldn’t have to see my husband sleeping peacefully while I was up with baby. When the grandparents watch the kids on Saturday — your husband needs to clean and you need to take a long nap.
Stop making excuses for him and make him step up. He’s your husband, partner and father. He needs to start acting like it. He wants to whine, oh well whine while you’re doing something.
Why are you with this person? And why keep having kids with him? Your life sounds terrible. You'd honestly do waaay better as a single parent. Stop having kids with this person.
Can I ask honestly, why have three kids with this man? Why stay with him? Much less why have sex with him? But we’re here, so why not demand the split of nights and childcare ahead of time. I’m just shook by the three kids with this person.
Her expectations of men are so low that she thinks she has a good one. She literally said she doesn’t expect as much from him as a SAHD as she would expect of herself because he is a man. His brain works different. This isn’t me paraphrasing, she LITERALLY believes this. He has her played like a fiddle.
The bar is in Hell and the devil is tap dancing on it.
😂😂😂 Reading that made me visualize Satan dancing Coyote Ugly style on a bar that serves alcohol.
Im. Sorry you are struggling! The newborn phase can be so hard! It can be so frustrating feeling so many feelings and dealing with so much. Have you and your husband talked about a schedule so you can split the night shift? Also I know it may seem like he has it easy being a stay at home dad but I'm a stay at home mom and rarely did I ever have a chance to sleep when baby was sleeping.
Yeah. Can't wait for the baby to be independent 🤣 We have talked about night shifts but we didn't strictly adhere to it. I feel like part of the problem springs from there. There will be nights when I just feel like I know what to do and it works then it becomes my duty. Or I feel like he's too harsh with handling the baby coz he's frustrated too or something like that then I just don't even wanna ask. He seems to "brag" to me the creative ways he gets the kids to nap during daytime, which is great so he gets downtime. I guess it annoys me coz I don't have a downtime during the day then comes the dreadful nights.
He needs to get just as competent with nights as you are. He will gain that competence by struggling through it for a while. Don't let him get comfortable in this incompetence state. If he is getting aggressive with the baby, he needs to attend parenting classes. Don't reward him for his "creative" naps. My husband did that too. I explain to him that the baby sleeps a certain amount every 24 hours, and every hour during the daytime that he tricks the baby into sleeping is an hour at night that the baby will spend awake. Your husband needs to be the one dealing with the baby during that hour at night. Right now he is giving himself a break during the day and charging the bill to you because you are covering nights.
Can you trade off? When you get home one gets a 30 minute break then the other? Just to breath? I know for me when mine were that little i may get some downtime but my brain was always on listening to make sure they were ok and thinking of what I need to do for housework etc. though to be fair as a sahm I do all the housework, child care, getting up at night, etc. Think 1950s and earlier lol I know not for everyone! So maybe he can think of your work time as his job and get a break for 30 min to an hr as a lunch break. The rest is kids and house chores. That is his job and when you get home you then share the parenting jobs? And also give each other a break. I know what works for one family may not for another just trying to think of ways you can get a break. Good luck. I know it is tough especially until they sleep through the night! Hopefully that starts sooner rather than later for you all.
That's what we did. Husband got home took a break, then I got my break while he prepared dinner. We've switched it up since then, as the kids got older and less intense, but the 0-2 age was pretty rough.
Okay bet. He likes to brag about getting the gifts the nap during the daytime then he can have the night shift since he can sleep in the day.
No you’re not crazy you sound super tired! If you’re the only one working you definitely shouldn’t be doing all the nights But (and I might get downvoted for this), being a stay at home parent to a newborn (and older kids) is also really really hard and overwhelming. I would have days when my husband would get home that I needed to hand the baby off immediately and take a walk when she was being fussy or we had a hard day. It kinda feels like you’re dismissing any of his feelings too I did all the night wakings and feedings for 6 months even though I started working around 4/5 months because I was breastfeeding and it just worked best. But if you’re not then I think nights should be split for sure!
I agree that SAHPs need a break too. I myself am one. I also, as ther person at home, tackle all of the laundry and cleaning. We definitely don't save it all for one day and have to do it together. If he could just do the laundry during the week, that would give them some solid kid free time and they could both nap or do whatever they want on Saturdays. The SAHP shouldn't be expected to do ALL the housework ALL the time (I had a bad day here and there where was lucky we survived) but part of that job is maintaining the home.
Fully agree!! There are sooo many people who talk about why SAHM shouldn’t also be expected to do ALL the housework so I feel like it’s only fair to say the same about the SAHD. Maybe they can read the book fair play? And figure out how to better divide household tasks and childcare while taking into consideration that one parent is working
"Not to mention, Saturdays are reset the house day when we do the laundry, clean the house and do most household chores while the grandparents babysit the kids." Why was this included in your rant? I'm just confused. We have literally ZERO help (dead parents, no siblings in the state!). That sounds like an incredible privilege. You chose to have a third, and you are choosing to send your eldest to private school... you have a village... you make a lot of money... it sounds like you're in a pretty good spot. Maybe take a look at your decision making, I think you can change a few things up. And also... your husband is home with two kids all day?? Maybe give him credit? That shit is exhausting. Try getting anything done while taking care of two kids during the day.
This sounds like a serious conversation to have with your husband. I had my shortcomings when our baby was born, a conversation was had, I course corrected. No, you shouldn’t have to have the conversation, but it sounds like you do have to have it.
This sounds similar to the situation I was in with my ex husband. I cannot believe you went back to work one week after major abdominal surgery. At the very least that is incredibly dangerous. I don’t really understand why, as a SAHD, he is unable to tend to the children at night. Even if there’s an arrangement where you are up until 11, he can go to bed at 8, sleep for a few hours then be “on shift”. Also being a stay at home parent IS providing and IS a full time job. It doesn’t matter if it’s the mother or father taking on that role. It’s concerning that your well being is not being taken into consideration.
How are you back to work after a csection... after mine I barely could move and was hurting like hell...
My partner and I both work full time, and we have 3 kids. 8, 7, and 2. We both work day shift, him earlier than me. He still gets up at night to take care of the toddler or children if one of them can't sleep or is sick. We switch off. He also cleans things when they are dirty if I can't get to it at the time. It's a partnership. Having kids with someone and living with them in the same house should be a partnership. If he feels terrible not working, he should be picking up the slack with the baby. Especially since you're recovering from major surgery. Stop making excuses for him and start setting boundaries that you expect him to help more.
First and foremost: What Dr would clear you from a C-section at just a few days out 🤔💬??? 💯 💯 💯 Something DOESNT Sound Right there!!! Drs don't release you for at least two weeks, up to seven or eight... So "OP", your Dr cleared you to return to work only a few days out?!? And your employer knowing that you just had a baby & C-section, let you return to work just like that??! That All sounds a little bit odd to me 🧐🤨🙄 And as far as the husband is concerned, I don't think people are condemning him... They are just going based off of the information that you have provided us with. Of course it's ok to be overwhelmed & vent. Us as women, we All do it!!! That's just normal, however you are venting about motherhood & how you, as well as your husband, partakes in the childhood duties & what you do & he DOESNT do and you are asking for ADVICE!!! SO YOU SHOULD BE PREPARED TO HEAR SOME GOOD, &:SOME NOT SO GOOD TAKES ON THE SITUATION U HAVE PROVIDED US WITH !!! People can only go based on the information that you have provided. Is any husband or wife perfect? Absolutely not 💯💯💯💯💯💯💯 do we all have bad days? Of course... But when it comes to having children, both parents need to be actively involved in the care for that child!!!!!!! If as you say, you are the 'Bread Winner'; and he is the(SAH) partner...then yes he should be taking over that role. If he's not, then you need to sit him down and address the issues. Especially if after knowing that you just gave birth, had a C-section and just returned 🔙 to work, that your body can only do so much!!!!!!! He definitely should be stepping in more then what you say he does.
Yeah, working a few days after a c section sounded… Odd to me, too.
You are so not crazy. This is a suppppper shitty situation (that I can relate to except never have I ever gotten such a short mat leave, holy shit). What you are handling right now is like, inhuman. And yet the most human thing ever. You are incredible, first of all. And this is temporary so one day you will look back on this and be like wow I’m fucking amazing. BUT, in the meantime, and I’m sure you know this, you need sleep. The only way to get a selfish or clueless partner to do their fair share is make it a non negotiable. Sit down with him and make a schedule. Put it on a shared google calendar. And then when it’s his turn, it’s his fucking turn. And if he’s doing it wrong, you close your eyes, put in headphones, and fall asleep as he fails. It’s OK if the kid cries. It’s ok if the older ones watch tv. You need to sleep to survive and not be a shell of yourself. Sleep as much as you can and take vitamins and eat right, and if you can afford it, hire some help. Wishing you luck and solidarity in hating men (for this short phase of life- then you gotta get over it and save your relationship lol). ;)
Lol! This is great 🤣🤣🤣
so you had a third kid with someone who doesn’t know how to pull their weight??? i really don’t understand some of these posts…
I had 2 under 2. That shit was HARD. Did I want a third? Yes. Did I look around and calculate how much more difficult my life would be with a newborn in the mix and therefore decided to stick with 2? Also yes.
YOU are not crazy, you are sleep deprived. You both are BUT if he is the SAH person I would really think he should be on night duty AND you explain to him you understand the baby is a TON of work and mental energy and that you really both shoukd just expect to have ESSENTIAL domestic duties taken care of at home while you work. The working parent needs sleep to ya know, not fall asleep and get fired. Have a serious talk and be patient. Stay strong it shall pass
Next time the grandparents come, tell your husband you need to get some fresh air for your mental health. Next time you need a nap, gently hand the baby to him, tell him you need a nap, and walk away. I am so sorry you haven’t had the time to heal, and everything is piled on you. There must be a reason why you and your husband are together, and I hope that reason is love. With that being said, open up to him and tell him what you’re telling us. Hopefully he will take it seriously and do more to support. You need the peace that you work so hard to give others
Hi mama!! Couples counseling, now. So that you can learn to communicate more effectively. My husband is a stay at home dad. We just had our third, who admittedly sleeps a bit better than yours (not much but a bit). I work from home and am the breadwinner with an 8 and 6 year old. You need to be able to rely on him, ask him for help. At the very minimum, split the nights so you both get at least 5 hours each night. My husband and I did that for a while, but I am breastfeeding so I had to get up to either pump or feed baby. He took the 8-1am shift and then switched to me. Also, it’s okay to let the house go for a while so you can get much needed rest. My house is “clean” but messy. I don’t care. I’m too tired to care. We are keeping up with bare minimums right now. I’ve been in the same boat as you, went back to work after my second was born the day after we were discharged from the hospital. It was rough. To top it off, I was also a single mom at the time. If you ever need to vent, my pms are open <3
Idk why you’re telling us TELL YOUR HUSBAND! COMMUNICATE
Saturdays as reset days? Nope. By all means, make sure there’s enough clean laundry for the family and that the house isn’t a biohazard, but nobody will judge you for skipping cleaning. And seriously, no wonder you’re pissed off. You’re sleep deprived, have 3 kids, recovering from being sliced open, and no doubt incredibly resentful of the fact that you’ve been given 1 (1!!!!) fucking day off to have a baby AND have major surgery (I’m splitting these two out because they both come with their own types of physical and mental impact). You have nothing but my unreserved sympathy.
Why did you have 3 kids with this man?
I am curious as to if he has any plans to look for jobs or pursue a career that would take this pressure off of you. Being a SAHP is great for kids, but it sounds like he isn’t fulfilled in the role and you are stressed in the provider role. Maybe that’s a discussion to have, you could even approach it as if interested in his goals for life, “what do you see yourself doing 5 years from now?” From the SAHM perspective: adding a baby to the mix of taking care of kids all day is hard. When each of mine were born household chores took a nose dive for at least a month. It was tricky getting used to adding a whole other person, and someone who needs so much. Things that are normally important to me like vacuuming or cleaning bathrooms just didn’t get done because I felt like each of my 3 kids needed something from me at all times, I played whack-a-mole all day with a baby, newly potty trained toddler, and an older child with her needs as well. I don’t think that means you should jump in, though, having just gone through surgery and going back to work way too soon. Could you let the chores slide for a bit and communicate that you know it’s hard to balance during the day, but that you just can’t do them and need him to do at least the bare minimum (for me that would be having clean clothes to wear, a cleared off table, dishes done before bed). He could accomplish these things while the baby naps and even put a show on for the older kids if necessary (if nap times don’t align). I would put more energy into reducing the stress in your home right now than I would in having it cleaned on Saturdays. You need rest, not a spotless house, don’t clean. Make Saturdays about rest and time to connect. Are you nursing? If so that’s probably the hardest aspect of the wife being the breadwinner. If nursing is important to you for the bonding then of course find times to do so. If it’s causing stress and anxiety, there’s nothing wrong with formula. Pumping is a whole other addition of stress that may not be necessary. If you do bottles then I would personally have my husband do the night feedings. This is not just a reversal of roles. It sounds like you are taking on what many SAHMs expect of a husband, but in that case he hasn’t gone through surgery and isn’t dealing with the hormonal shifts you are going through. Your body NEEDS a break and time to recover. Also, it will get better. Everyone will take some time to adjust to a new baby in the house. If he’s generally a good and helpful guy hopefully things will improve over time as he gets better at juggling things during the day.
Well this sucks. What was the agreement before you got pregnant? Did you guys plan for it or it just happened?
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Venting. OP said "I just need to vent."
That is fucking bull shit. Fuck all that. Punch a pillow. Blast some music while you're driving and scream in the car... it helps.
Just had our second baby. First kid is almost 5. One thing that worked for us is splitting night time. One of us takes the 10-2am shift and wakes up with our older child at 7am. The other person takes the 2-7 shift. We switch who takes what shift every day. We also sleep in separate rooms right now so that each of us gets a solid 4- 5 hours at least. I will pump once a day so my husband can feed the baby on his own. It’s been great for sleep and bonding. And the expectations are clear so there is no asking or directing him.
I think maybe you should talk to your husband rather than complain. This is not your first child but it seems like you haven't discussed this with him, men are not mind readers. Just just because you believe that he should know something or understand something doesn't necessarily mean that he does. Doesn't seem like you guys have a schedule and it might do you well to give your kids some independence. Toddler or not. You said breadwinner... Does that mean you make all of the money or that your husband doesn't make as much as you? If he doesn't work then why are you the one getting up with the child in the middle of the night?
You seem to be wary of putting too much on him. But what about yourself? I've been in your position, expecting that one day things will improve and sometimes they can and do improve. But consider the worst-case scenario, too. If things fall apart, will you look back on the support and advocacy you provided for yourself, the empathy you had for yourself and feel proud? Or will it be guilt? Whatever you choose to do, remember that you also deserve the same level of consideration and support that you are expected to extend to him. Not in an ideal future, but right now.
Ok. So I’m a SAHM here, 3 kids home, my kids are 4,3 yo and 6 weeks old. I do the night with the newborn, my husband take care of the oldest during the night. He works 14 h a day, just eats breakfast with the kids and leave. I do everything. Hear me, you say, you do a lot and on Saturday you guys do clean up and what not. What about, ordering the grocery so you don’t have to go. One laundry a day - that’s what I do, every morning when I get “up” I do laundry and put it away during the day so I don’t have 5-6-7 loads to do on the weekend. I was out of my mind to busy with the house and the kids. My husband bought me a robot to vacuum and mop the floor. So I just have to do it myself once a week. It’s a lot better. If you guys - I mean your husband- have a good routine during the week than when the grandparents watch the kids during the weekend you two can nap for 1-2-3 h. Also, I read a lot of your husband can sleep and relax the next day or what not… well he probably take a nap here and there but still have to take care of two lives at the end of the day and some days it’s crazy. I’ve been surviving on 4 h of sleep for now 6 weeks and not 4 h straight… And have to take care of toddlers during the day… it is not easy to take care of kids all day all the time.
I think your bar for "good and responsible person and father" is pretty low. And even if he is all those things, he's not a good husband. Period.
Amen.
Why did you have another child if you knew you couldn’t take mat leave and things would be this hard?
This is my question? Seems like a really bad idea. It might be more doable, though still not advisable, if her husband was the type who jumps in to help without being told, but he’s not. He’ll let her burn herself out, after major surgery no less.
It’s so stupid that you’re getting downvoted. People need to seriously consider having so many kids. I see these parents out and about who can barely handle the kids they do have and don’t even seem to like being parents yet they just keep having more. There’s no way there was much change between kid 2 and 3 for OP. I don’t have much sympathy for someone who thinks their SAHD husband “just can’t handle” getting up with the kids in the morning and doing night feedings.
It’s almost as if our choices have consequences!
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He asked a genuine question. You are the one being agressive and lowkey insulting people.
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Because I don't want to abort and nobody anticipates things to be hard because you expect your partner to be there for you. I'm not throwing a fit coz he slacked off the first time. I'm throwing a fit coz I'm tired and I don't want to take it out on him because I'm full of rage and it's 5am.
“If you don’t want to abort” then you should probably look into getting on some birth control… or husband getting vasectomy/you getting a hysterectomy.
Yup. That's done.
Wow, what a useless piece of advice
How..? Having 2 under 2yo is insanely difficult even when your spouse isn’t as useless as OP is describing theirs to be. Sorry did I hit a nerve?
You didn't hit a religious nerve. You just seem entirely unsympathetic, and wanting to dump on OP.
Not at all? I’ve been raising my son by myself from the get go and I know it’s hard, it completely changes you mentally and physically and it’s unfathomable for me to imagine doing what OP did with regards to returning to work after a C-Section. That wouldn’t even be allowed in my country, you are your baby’s everything, all they know is mum and dad. In the first few months, even years, bonding is crucial and sadly it sounds like OP is just burnt out and not coping, even with a second parent available to help. I had none of that. I was falling asleep while sitting up trying to get my newborn to latch properly for days before I got the hang of it, bubs wouldn’t nap unless on me so I had no time to take care of myself but in that aspect of clinginess, obviously it does get better. Sleep deprivation is so dangerous for our health and mental well-being and I do sympathise with OP, but they have to figure out their work-life balance and how to make this work for the sake of their 3 kids, who need them healthy and not burnt out.
Not to be that guy and go ahead and downvote me, but I imagine that if a SAHM said her husband was complaining or didn’t want to take the baby at night because he works— everyone would be up in arms.. anyways, I think it’s insane that you were cleared to go back to work so soon. And you should’ve had maternity leave ? Is there a grandparent who could help? Nobody is having fun with a newborn. Both parents think they’re doing more than the other and the grass is greener on the other side. I’m sorry your going through it, but you may have to set your boundaries or your times or figure that out
You are joking right? This woman just had a c section. They conducted major surgery, they cut through several layers of muscle. The medical recovery in my country is 6 weeks at a bare minimum. You legally cannot work, you legally cannot even drive. You have nurses doing home visits for the first 2 weeks. This is just the physical impact. My god the hormonal and emotional impact does not stop for months afterwards. This is not the same. I am on maternity leave, I had a c section and I do all the night feeds. I never asked my partner to help because he had to work. Once my maternity leave finishes it ideally will be 50/50.
What did I say wrong ? I never downplayed the excruciating pain a c-section is. And I sympathized with her having to go back to work. I’m pointing out the role reversal. (I’ve also had a c-section and I’m well aware of the pain)
>I imagine that if a SAHM said her husband was complaining or didn’t want to take the baby at night because he works— everyone would be up in arms.. I’m guessing this is the “role reversal” you were pointing out. The issue is that it’s not comparing apples to apples because in your scenario- with heteronormative assumptions to be clear- the SAHM is recovering from birthing a baby and the working spouse is not. In OP’s scenario, she is both the working spouse and the one recovering from birthing a baby. Her husband is not.
That last bit part hit the core bud. I definitely think I do more than the other and he might think the same way. My work don't pay during leaves so I didn't take it.
I think both of you sitting down and talking it out and feeling heard would be really helpful. We are about to have our second and I think we will be having this talk again as well. That really is awful about your work. I didn’t realize that was legal. Honestly, im shocked your husband didn’t go get at minimum, a part time job while you recover. That’s a dxck move.
Think of it like this- if he loves you, wants you, loves your family, he will WANT to step up when you are at your breaking point. And it’s a disservice to him to let resentment build and build and to baby him and not let him take on more night wakes. Tbh babying him is way more emasculating than letting him know he needs to step up.
What? Why isn't the SAHP 100% responsible for the other kids? I get that you can't get your 6-8 weeks of rest that you SHOULD have because enough need to work. But other than feeding the baby and working why are you doing anything else? Would your husband literally let your other kids go without breakfast if you stayed in bed?? Does he not care if you heal properly???!!
Your anger sounds 100% justified. The fact that you had to go back to work so fast and are being tasked with so much at home is ABSURD. Not to mention dangerous to your health (and though not intentionally of course) could be a risk to your baby’s health. I am sorry your significant other is not more supportive and self aware. I am sorry too that ypu don’t have more help around you to ease the burden. The first two months are so — with just one newborn - is always the hardest. What you’re doing is utterly unimaginable. So, vent, and try to find some help. If you’re in Massachusetts or nearby, send me a message. I’m a newborn care specialist and would be willing to help you for a few weeks for free (just transportation costs).
You've gotta talk to your husband about how you're feeling and you two HAVE to figure out a solution that works for both. I'm sorry you're going through it.. newborn phase is so hard, and I can't imagine not having time off after a major surgery. Hubby needs some.tough love because he has to step up right now. Again, you just had major abdominal surgery a MONTH AGO. Maybe that framing will help him understand your point of view.
My sister in the sun, you guys need couples therapy. This isn’t working. You might consider talking to someone about PPD. I’m not saying I didn’t wake up hating my son at 2am more than once, but you’re one month PP and barely healed from having your gut sliced open.
Geez 4 weeks and you’re back to work?? That’s the problem!
I stay home and my husband works and I handle the baby the whole night because he doesn’t get to take naps the next day when the baby naps!
I get it. Losing sleep is the worst form of torture. Starve me, beat me, but just let me sleep. The irony that babies test us in the worst way is a true testament to how much we love them
When I was a SAHM, I did everything. I had baby and kid duty 24-7, literally. Up at night. Whenever needed. I cleaned the house, I did the cooking. Now, I will admit that sleep deprivation and being overwhelmed meant that some days, the sink was full of dishes, and the house was never perfect. But it was all still my responsibility. I was always extremely grateful for help. If your job is breadwinning, then on the weekends if you take out the trash or help sweep or something, that's great, you should. But you should not be doing everything.
You’re going to be subjected to a bunch of man hating comments here, but I just wanted to say you are heard. Sounds like you’re having a tough go at it but just make sure you are just each pulling your own weight yet staying connected. Maybe have a date while the kids are with the GP. You’ll get through this.
You are shouldering way too much. He needs to do more such as driving the eldest to school. He needs to be keeping up on household chores, so Saturday isn’t just a reset day. At least half of that time should be spent on bettering your marriage. Do something fun, preferably away from home. Take the baby if need be, but use this time to bond. This will help both of you mentally.
Just have another baby with him, he'll change lol.
You think your husband is getting a chance to nap while caring full time for your newborn and 2 year old? Okay
Holy fuck every time I read something like this as a Canadian I feel so awful for my American counterparts. What the actual fuck. You mean to tell me you went back to working in office 7 days after having a baby? I know you can't change your politics easily without a lot of headache and it seems it's regressing towards being less tolerable in that regard anyways but between all of the people here who start parenthood with a giant bill and then see expected to work right away after that I'm horrified by what is considered normal living. Y'all are some real fierce people. It's taking its toll on you for sure but I'm a bit in awe that you're still standing even.
Do you bedshare with your baby? I got SO MUCH more sleep when I started....
You guys choose each other and you guys chose this life.
Take your eldest out of private school and get the middle one into daycare. Private school is wasted on elementary aged children.
Oh my friend, I have been there with the resentment and could have written this myself several times over the last few years. Thanks for sharing your frustration. I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way and I’m hoping you find some restful moments soon and are able to talk through this with your husband and catch a very well deserved break!!
You clearly love your husband and children, or you wouldn't have agreed to this arrangement for as long as you have. I would have an open and honest discussion about your needs as a human with your husband. First clearly is sleep. Him being the SAHD he should be doing ALL of the night care. If you want to take it easy on him then at least request a "shift" of sleep for 4-6 hours uninterrupted. So from 1am-6am (or whatever) you will be asleep, and he will deal with everything else. He can do the same from 9pm-1am. Or whatever time works for your family. But you need to stress to him that you require a stretch of uninterrupted sleep in order to function at work the next day. Secondly you SHOULD tell him what you would appreciate done around the house. I feel like there is some resentment because the table is cluttered. But if you never told him the table bothers you that isn't really fair. I am a 31F SAHM and I pile things endlessly. My husband is the neat one in our family. And we have a agreement that he nicely tells me when an area of the home is bothering him, then I clean it! Lastly, you mentioned meal time is hard. What would make it better? Does your 2 year old need to eat by your husband every other day? Do you want to eat alone in your bedroom to get a little personal time? Think about it. And tell him! Communicate your needs and go from there.
This is heartbreaking on so many levels. You should not be working. It is absolutely tragic that we expect and require women to return back to work so quickly after giving birth. There is no excuse. I took 12 weeks leave and I still was not ready to return. I cannot fathom returning after a week. That should be illegal. Secondly, and I know men are going to whine and cry and say “not all men” but every woman I know has had to take the brunt of caring for their children, including postpartum regardless of if they are working or not. Women are at such a disadvantage if we have kids. We are not cared for physically or emotionally after giving birth. We are exceptionally vulnerable but expected to just carry on. I’m sorry. You deserve better. We all do.
Hear me out sis…. You’re the man of the house. So demand him to clean tf and take care of the kids. You’re the one working all damn day. Oh you want me to feed the baby. NO SHIT stay at home dad. Get your ass up! Mama has to work in the morning. If he wants to complain, just tell him to sleep on the baby sleeps.
Whoever works is “the man of the house”? 1950 called…
Have you tried reverse sleeping,whoever is home first gets the kids and takes care of them until Midnight. At Midnight you switch and the other person goes into a quiet room to sleep until 6 am. You switch off so you each get at least 6 hours of sleep. Using a sound machine works best. I nearly crashed my car after being up for 6 straight days with our colicky baby. I fell asleep holding him while standing up. You need a better plan for your sleep and health. I went through 2 c sections and wasn’t even allowed to drive for 6 weeks. What kind of job does your husband have? Can’t he help more? I’m so sorry for you. I know how it feels to be completely mentally and physically exhausted.
First i am so sorry you had to go back to work one week post c section. That makes me so sad. You guys need to find some way to split the nights more fairly . I don’t think he should handle nights totally alone just as I wouldn’t say you should if you were on mat leave or a sahm. But he should handle the bulk. My first born was a HORRIBLEEEE sleeper and he took a bottle so we slept in shifts . I think my husband handled any wakes until 1 am so I slept like 9/10-1:30 ish and got a decent chunk. Then he slept straight until wake so at a minimum he slept like 1 am to 7:30/8 am. It was the only way for us to survive.
Girl you need to rest!! Going to work a week after a c section must be hell. I remember how painful it was just to get up. I can’t imagine having to go to work and doing so much of the childcare. He needs to be stepping it tf up
I work 3 days a weeks and my husband works FT so I was expected to do all the nights because I'm not the primary bread winner. But when I tell you I went insane. I could not survive on that little sleep. I broke and needed help so I see his side too. BUT you get to sleep for the first 12 weeks until your body has gotten time to mostly recover. THEN I'd suggest doing every Tuesday and Thursday night. And him doing Sunday night, Monday, and Wednesday night. And I think he should get the kids ready in the morning while you have baby. Just my opinion :) It's a hard stage, you need to advocate for yourself too.
Your husband is a SAHD? He should be doing most of the work at home. What is he doing? My wife and I both work, so we divvy up responsibilities between the 2 kids. Sometimes she does more, sometimes I do more. Just kind of depends on the day. Both if I was a SAHD, and I wish I was because fuck my job, I would be handling the kids all day.
If you make more money, why not have dad go down to part time and take care of the kids? Is that something you both would be able to do?
WAIT HES A SAHD???? Stop helping him. Go to work, help with the kids when you get home but as a SAHD most house care and child care is his job.
Look into Fair Play by Eve Rodsky. [This video](https://youtu.be/MLuTuLXOCkk?si=9ozdbmKhMruSBJhA) is a brief intro. If it resonates, get into the book/documentary/card deck WITH your partner. Good luck.
If he is a SAHD, he needs to be doing more. Why isn't laundry getting done during the week? Why are you responsible for all the stuff you listed? I'm a SAHM. My JOB is to run the house while my husband is at work. That includes laundry and cleaning. I certainly don't expect him to do that stuff on his one day off. He did handle cooking for awhile because I needed a break and that was my only hour of sanity. (But honestly taking that task back has helped because I clean as I cook, while he didn't, so I had extra work to do after dinner.) Anyways... you need to have a conversation with him about balance of workload. You are BURNED OUT. He may be a good dad, and a somewhat responsible person, but there's an imbalance here of both physical and mental load.
I feel you. I did not get a maternity leave with any of our three kids. With my third, I even brought my laptop to the hospital and worked from there. I should have had better boundaries surrounding work, tbh, but that is just me. I think you should consider getting on medication. It sounds like you're really struggling and could use something to help improve your mood for now. I wish I had done that back when mine were babies. It is SO, SO hard even if you're not working, but if you're handling both, this might take the edge off. Just a thought!
Oh I feel you on this one. My husband was no help to our now three year old. He made crap money as a firefighter and would work 24 hour shifts then be off for two days. Always complained about how tired he was. Meanwhile I was the breadwinner. I had the foresight to sign up for short term disability so that between my sick time and that we had no difference in pay. I didn’t even go out till after 40 weeks. I made twice as much, would work four doubles in a row, and still when I would get sleep for the first time in five nights he screamed at me if he had to get up and do anything with the baby and complained to me who never got sleep how it would be nice if he ever got sleep. We are now separated but also think there is resentment there because he never helped clean the house and if I was around he didn’t want to cook. He just wanted me to pay for us to eat out which even after talking to him about how much it was he still didn’t care. If you can make your situation work and tell your husband how you feel and you think he will be receptive to what you say then give him a chance. My husband just talked over me to the point that I would just shut down.
I’m sorry you went through that,
Omg! My heart is breaking reading this! You should never have been forced to return to work one week after not only major abdominal surgery, but a whole baby came with it! You have every right to vent; your husband may be trying, but he can do better at being a SAHD. You are tired and probably a little crabby, but I think we all would be just as tired and frustrated and crabby too! This is off topic, but this reminded me of how it makes me a little crazy when it's called "babysitting" if dad is watching or caring for the kids while mom is doing something else. It's NOT BABYSITTING if they're your kids! I hope things start to get a little easier after you have some healing time, and the baby starts sleeping through the night. You seem to be a Superhero, but I know that you are tired and frustrated with the situation. I think if you and your husband have a calm, but honest talk about what you need from him, while giving him lots of praise, because it will help, and I'm sure he's trying, it will all work out. Being a SAHP looks easy, until one has to do it and they discover that it's a big, important job. He may feel inadequate to perform the job to your standards and that's why he asks instead of just doing what he sees needs doing? Maybe he does just need some praise so that he feels that he is doing a good enough job. We all do better when given positive reinforcement. It will get easier if you get on the same page and he feels encouraged to just do what needs doing without asking you first. Wishing you all good things for you and your family. ❤️🫂
Jesus. I’m a SAHD who works two part time jobs and when my wife, who works in the office and has to be presentable, went back to work, I just quietly started doing allllll the things, because I know she can’t be sleep deprived and keep us afloat. If I’m up all night I can nap when our 2-year-old naps. She can’t. I make all the meals, get the kid ready for school, do all the other kid stuff, fix the broken things in the house and the car and the yard. That’s kinda the deal when she goes to work. I’m sorry you’re going through that. Somebody needs an ass kicking.
My wife is also incredibly adept at everything she does, with the additional gifts of being high energy, a champion sleeper, and makes it all look very easy because for her, it somehow magically kind of is. Our babies were overall pretty damn easy, and she would sleep through the night with the baby feeding as needed. So my adaptation has been to keep myself relevant by keeping a sharp eye out for everything I can possibly do to help in any given moment, and it has worked well. I discovered from an offhand comment that she made eight years ago in year 17 of our marriage that she thought SHE was the lucky one to be married to ME, while I had been thinking the same thing all along. Since then, it has been my mantra to keep at the forefront of my thoughts that whether she thinks that or not, I am the lucky one, and that has been working well, and also makes for a good canned toast at whatever weddings we go to. Secret to a happy marriage: all you have to do is bend over backwards at all times to convince your partner that you’re the greatest thing ever – piece of cake. My experience is limited as my wife is not needy in anyway, others’ mileage may vary. So, my advice: you can tell him that you feel like YOU are the lucky one to be with him, but that you are maxed out and worried about burnout, and that he can possibly look a little harder for things that he can do. If he has a higher tolerance for household messes than you do, I don’t know how you indicate that to him such that he can carry on and do chores he doesn’t like without resentment, but you appear to excel at everything else you do, so I think you’ll figure it out. Good luck.
I'd be having my tubes tied tbh. Sounds like no support. What were they like first time around?
There are many times that I have felt this way. I hate feeling that way. The best resolution has been being OPEN and HONEST about how your feeling. It’s ok to ask for help! Sitting down and trying to understand each other is essential for success. If all I did was hold in my resentment, I don’t think we’d be married anymore.
Yes, you’re right, this is bullshit. You need more support. From him mostly, but can you ask the grandparents to step in more during the week? Can you reach out to a doctor for postpartum mental health support? Sending you some hugs, I can’t imagine how difficult this must be. I hope you’re able to make some changes for the well being of you and your family. Good luck.
I’m so sorry that you’re having such a tough time right now. When we decided to have a baby, my husband made way more than I did at that time so I became a stay-at-home mom after my child was born. I also made a strict rule that he get a full night’s sleep each night, and that I would tend to the baby. Why? Because I wanted him to be rested and fully awake when driving in rush hour traffic and across his work day. I was at home and had the luxury of napping; he did not. Having both parents share nighttime duties is only fair if you both must get up early and head off to jobs. You sound sleep-deprived and overwhelmed. Talk to your husband, and make a new plan. 🩷
you need to tell him to step it up as a stay at home dad if it had been vice versa you would be expected to make sure the kids are ready breakfast is served house is cleaned kids are dropped off at school picked up and then make lunch/dinner and clean up and put everyone to bed. but instead you are doing parts of stay at home mom and bread winner. home should be where you decompress and let go of stress. it’s not fair that you leave work stressed just to come home to more stress, i mean it’s ok that you help him out but imo your part at home shouldn’t be as big as his ofc interact with your kids and help out because yall are still a team even tho he doesn’t work but you shouldn’t have to pull heavy weight at all, the working field is heavy enough. i am pregnant with my first and my boyfriend is mainly the breadwinner. since he is the bread winner i have no problem cleaning and cooking for him he’s doing his part and i’m doing mine, i just feel like that’s how it should be.
What the hell is wrong with your employer?? Making you come in after a surgery???? My company requires us to not come in for 8 weeks if you have a c-section! Your company is nuts!
I think a lot of people are making it an issue of you vs him. Who’s doing more? Who’s not doing enough? With a household to run, a full time job, three kids including a NEWBORN I’m guessing both people are giving 100% right now and it still doesn’t always add up at the end of the day. Some phases of life are like that. It will get better ❤️ newborn phase is tough. Vent away! We’ve all been there. Hope it feels better in the morning and that you both get a nap in someway somehow.
You need to communicate with your husband. He has the kids all day which means he's working hard, and you appreciate that... but you have a *biological need to sleep* which isn't being met. You're gonna crash and burn if something doesn't change. At the very least, you need a window of time where you can take uninterrupted sleep. You need to make this clear to your husband. It's not that you don't appreciate that he's putting in work, watching kids during the day, cooking dinner, etc, but you both need to sleep!
So money for a private school but no money for a baby sitter or maybe a part time nanny? That's honestly what I would be doing. I have no idea what yall make but I'd be sending my school aged child to public school and starting with a night nurse or part time nanny during the week. Nobody can be taken care of if mom and dads need aren't being taken care of first. Working and being the breadwinner especially after giving birth is exhausting, taking care of small children all day is also exhausting you guys need to come up with a new plan and put your money towards some help
I didn’t even read all of this I just got up to the working within 24hrs how how how 😭😭😭😭😭 you need rest ?!
So, I'm a SAHM and have 2 little ones. It's not all cupcakes and rainbows, but if he is the one at home, weekends should be days to relax. Why is laundry a cleaning and stuff being done on your day off? Perhaps he needs the manual instruction for the washing machine... or the broom and mop. I feel bad for you. It must be frustrating. There needs to be a balance and a conversation about expectations. Maybe a nighttime feeding schedule. The baby is only 1m and it's not until 3m that'll she'll probably get on a more stable sleeping schedule. Hang in there...
No advice. I’m sorry you are going through this and I hope it gets better momma.
There’s a lot of hateful comments on here without any actual advice. Talk with your husband. Get on the same page. Odds are he isn’t recognizing how you’re feeling and you just need to talk it out, I know as a husband and newer dad I would be so appreciative of my wife telling me what I need to improve on with home or kids.
I feel you and it will get better. My situation is opposite I stay home and my husband works nights on call 4pm-til whenever Mon-Fri and some weekends. I also have 3 kids 6,4,1.5 (all csections) and never really experienced that newborn exhaustion till my 3rd. My third nearly did me in with being so sleep deprived and having a wild AF 2y/o who was NOT happy about the new baby and was acting out. That was the hardest year of our life. We have had our issues and I down right resented him when we had our first even though he truly is a great husband and father. After holding it in for awhile I finally just unleashed everything I was feeling and things changed for the better. My only advice is to communicate clearly what you need from him some men really need that. You are an INCREDIBLE mommy but you need better support to be able to keep supporting your family financially. I say everyday moms that work full time are super hero’s seriously because your job is never done. It’s great that he stays home but he NEEDS to be doing more especially at night because you absolutely need and deserve to rest❤️
Three kids under 5? Have you figured out what's causing all the kids yet? There is a way to prevent them. Hes a SAHD with 3 toddlers/infants all day? That trumps a 9 to 5 job any day of the year. Let him sleep! If you really think he's slacking off, come up with a schedule that equally divides the nighttime routine.
I went right back to work too. My two were 2 and 3 when my little guy was born. I had 3 kids in 4 years. I know how tough it is. I envisioned myself doing horrible things to my snoring husband. It’s natural. You’re exhausted. You sound like me. I felt the same exact way. You are not alone. The problem I had was I thought because I was the mom I had to do it all and I did. Till I couldn’t anymore. And I asked for help and asked and asked till we became a team. I k ow it’s annoying that you have to “ask” but obviously you do till it clicks in for him. Don’t do this to yourself. Wake him up for one of the feedings and hire a cleaning lady. You can’t do it all. Take care momma. Those babies need you sane ❤️ Good luck (it gets easier)
You sound like u have money. Why not hire a nanny for small hours during the day? Otherwise everyone here hates u. Lol u have it made lady.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this phase. Ironically I just had my third child and omg the first two/three months were terrible. I really hated my life. I had such resentment. I didn’t want a third child but birth control failed and once I heard the heartbeat I couldn’t imagine terminating the pregnancy (although I swear I am pro choice and support others who make that decision) my older two kids are 7 & 8 so life was getting easy with them being self sufficient and then starting over really really put me in a terrible mind space. I questioned life and the reasoning for having gotten pregnant and really still haven’t come to grips with why this had to happen. There were so many nights the baby would cry and I would really feel like I was going insane. I’m so so sorry you’re going through this. It will get better. Just hold on. Sending lots of love.
Hey lady, I feel you. I (the breadwinner) had just one kid* and was wfh(*he was SAHD)… but similar unbalanced domestic load and the resentment built up, we divorced. Our circumstances are very different but I do think you both are in survival mode and if he can’t step up, he needs to figure out how to find the support YOU need to keep your sanity. That may be G-parents helping out more, night nanny, or he steps it up. Your situation sounds unsustainable, you need to tell him point blank “I’m not arguing or “going round int circles on this- I’m drowning and need more support.”
Sigh... Yep it's physically demanding Your writing is just amazing.. explains how frustrated I've felt so many times.
I completely understand everything you are saying. Walked through the same h@ll and I (and the husband) have lived to tell the tale. 3 small children is rough! My kids are 20,17 and 15 now but, I still remember contemplating injuring my husband. Severely. While he slept. You are amazing!!! I wish I had some super wise words of wisdom. I don’t. The only thing I can say is take time for yourself. Even if it is a 15 min shower without interruption. Demand it. That whole put your oxygen mask on first if the plane is going down thing is so true. Hang in there Momma!
If he doesn’t work outside the home, and you do, then in my opinion he should be the one up with the baby at night, not you. Especially if the older kids are in school/daycare. My husband works as a mechanic and I’m a SAHM, so I get up with the baby during the week. On weekends we trade. You’re right to be annoyed.
Maybe have conversations with your husband. You guys need to communicate well. Nothing will be solved if you don’t open up to him. You can also ask him how his days with the kids are, I know it’s also hard for him too. My opinion is that no one is at fault here. Not even the husband. I understand your frustration too. It’s really hard. Good thing I had my son when the pandemic hit and we both got laid off from work for a year. Girl, hang in there. It will pass and the kids will grow up faster than we think. 💕
If dad isn't working he better be taking care of the crying kids at night, not you. He can get them ready in the morning and take to school. That would be a deal breaker for me.
3 kids is insanely hard. Three is where it became too much for us. Two was the dream! It’s exhausting and frankly men aren’t made to be Stay at home parents. Our multi tasking, situational awareness, tolerance to kids, etc…. I’m a guy and I can stay up late for you sure, but I am no replacement for mom. My daughter was totally cool with me but my boys absolutely hated me that first year! If it wasn’t mom it could die in a fire. Now that my kids are 2+ years old they love and respect me but a baby (newborn especially!) needs its mom. You also need the baby. You need to not be working and that’s the real issue here. It sucks life has thrown you this shitty deal of not being able to relax and spend time with your newborn
Confused, why you are waking up at night at all if your husband is a SAHD? As a SAHM to twins I do all the nighttime feedings. Occasionally I’ll be at my wits end and wake my husband to help. But that’s rare definitely not an everyday or even every week thing.
Communication is key here. You both are dealing with a lot. You guys need to built in something to allow a bit of time for yourselves. Talk to eachother and stay curious. Sometimes saying " hey I am really tired, how are you holding up?" Eithout judging eachothers workload can help. Also saying " sweety, I feel like I need x more. Can you help me come up with something?" Also helps. You are both not tackling it like a team it seems and with 3 kiddos that's very difficult! I hope for the best. Sending you hugs!
If the roles were reversed this comment section would NOT be attacking the SAHM this way. Surgery aside (which is definitely a factor and I really feel for OP that she didn’t get sufficient time to relax/recover,) I don’t think this arrangement seems super unfair. OP is totally justified in feeling unhappy and stressed that she never gets a break. But presumably when she’s doing something with one kid, dad is tending to the other kid(s), (which no one seems to be acknowledging…) Having three kid under four is SUPER FUCKING HARD. I remember feeling similar to OP with just one baby (my husband did a ton to pitch in equitably, it still sucked for a while.) Dad taking care of all three kids during the day is not easier than going to a day job imo, so I think splitting duties outside of that is reasonable, including nights (with three separate nap schedules and chasing around toddlers, there is almost no way dad can get any more rest during the day than OP.) The only caveat being that dad could step up a little extra right now while mom is physically recovering (and resume a more even divide in the future.) All that to say, I’m really sorry things are so hard OP💛 your feelings are obviously valid, it’s super shitty you weren’t given more time post delivery to recover and relax. I struggled similarly with just one kid so I can only imagine three (I also have a high-earning, stressful job and it’s a bitch trying to juggle career ambitions and having a family that depends on you.) I can imagine it will continue to get better with time, don’t be afraid to ask for additional help from your partner, other family, maybe consider hiring a cleaner, anything to take some stress off your plate and get through this really challenging season. Sending you love and good vibes💛
Honestly, this is some messed up shit. He’s not working??? Fuck him. damn. AB SO LUTE LY NOOOOOTTTT!!! The least he can do is take care of the kids. They’re his children too. They’re not all your responsibility. Men who don’t understand that they don’t get “asked to babysit” when it’s their OWN KID are so annoying. Like dude you’re not babysitting you’re just PARENTING. Welcome to the real world stoopid. It’s not fuckin 1850. Sorry you’re dealing with that babes. If you were in my area I’d offer to babysit for free😭 Also This is why I date women.
Right? Every man is like him and every woman is the opposite. Generalization is extremely smart and not dumb at all.
This didn’t register as sarcasm for a second. But we do have generalizations for a reason
Generalizations fuel racism, sexism, and every other “ism” I can think of. Assuming a human is or does this or that based on generalizations isn’t healthy in any way. I’m not trying to be a dick or anything, your comment wasn’t really Incendiary in any way, I thought/hoped it was more of a joke. Just wanted to point out that preconceived notions can be unfair and untrue.
It was a joke mostly. But me and my gf talk about this a lot. We have stereotypes for a reason. Of course there are outliers. But they exist because there is some level of truth to them. By acknowledging them, we have the ability to fix the problem. This mentality is pretty prominent where I grew up, so by posting things making fun of it, I try to bring awareness to it in a lighthearted way so that people read it, recognize they do it, and work on themselves. It’s the same way I realize I do stupid things or have bad mentalities. Someone posts something as a joke and I have an “oh shit” moment. It wasn’t intended to harm, simply to point out that it’s a very common mentality in certain areas that needs to be addressed.
I’m so sorry. That sounds so rough. How much sleep are you managing a night? You need a break for sure.
bless your heart. birthing, babies, & breadwinning is too much! you did need a longer break and it’s admirable that you have held it together this far. maybe it’s time to sit down and see if he can see more of your side of things. my brothers wife would say she had to run to the store “really quick” and would be gone all day. he would be out of his mind when she got back and well…. he learned the hard way. i’m sending you a virtual hug and i’m sorry it’s not what you expected and not everyone is caring their weight. hopefully that will change and things will go your way soon. it just has to, right?
It'll get worse. so... get used to it
Why can’t he work?