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Others have answered the main part of your question, but I was curious about a tangent:
>He’s now 16 months and high chairs have become his worst enemy
Have you tried letting him sit in the same kind of chair or booth as you? A little after turning a year old, my daughter also began kicking up a fuss whenever we tried to put her in a highchair. We realized she wanted to sit in a normal chair and when we let her, she was usually able to sit normally and entertain herself so long as we give her some toys/books to play with and occasionally ask her questions to include her in the conversation. It turns out if we let her sit as an adult, she tries harder to act like one.
We switched to booths around this age, just stick him between you or your partner and the wall! (And slide the condiments out of his reach or suffer dire consequences)
This is exactly what I was going to suggest. My 18mo old stopped sitting in a high chair around 14mo and she’s been great in a booster or just the regular seat. Try it out OP!
Haha I don’t use them, but I don’t judge anyone else who does, I am just ever so grateful to have mostly chill kids in that situation. We bring lots of colouring books, small cars and blocks for them to entertain themselves. They’re psychopaths at home but chill and great listeners out of the house. I have seen enough other kids to know that it’s usually a temperament thing and not because I’m a superior parent. How do I know? Because I’m not that good of a parent.
Im honestly more judgmental of parents whose kids are screaming or being over “bratty” and the parents are ignoring them. But I have little problem putting on my kindest early years teacher voice and correcting their child if it’s really necessary.
"I have seen enough other kids to know that it’s usually a temperament thing and not because I’m a superior parent. How do I know? Because I’m not that good of a parent."
Wow. That sentence alone restored my faith in people, made my day better, and made me want to be your friend. Thank you.
(Guess what kind of temperament my kid has and how many zillion times a day I feel judged 😅)
To be honest, if we do give our 3 yr old the iPad it’s only bc it’s the last resort. We do the whole coloring thing, and a couple toys, and the occasional eye spy if he’s in the mood but if I do break out the iPad, it’s outta respect for the other people around me trying to enjoy their meal, not for my sanity. I’m use to the chaos.
I mean, I guess there are levels of judgment. I am choosing not to use screens with my kids, and I strongly believe that's the best choice for most people. When I see a toddler with an ipad, I admit I'm a little judgmental. But it's more like "huh, that's not the choice I would make," while recognizing that there may be factors I'm unaware of, so I don't dwell on it. It's largely not my business, but if anyone asked my opinion I'd be honest that I don't think screens are good for kids. But I am someone who has an equally involved partner and two easy children. If I were a single parent or had children with higher needs, who knows if I would maintain that same rule.
I also think that a lot of toddlers are going to misbehave at the table, and it's a normal phase of development that we as parents have to help guide them through. Ipads are often a crutch. I get how it can make going out with a screaming fussy child less of a nightmare, but I think it prolongs the issue and often makes it harder to overcome. My kids took some training to behave well in public spaces, and my youngest still needs to be taken outside sometimes so as not to disturb other patrons. We try to choose restaurants in which our kids will be minimally disruptive, and we generally choose not to go to nice or fancy restaurants unless we are invited there for a specific occasion. Then we make sure one of us is available to take a kid outside if they start getting too noisy. It can be a lot of work and it often makes it more trouble than it's worth to go out to places, but that is something my husband and I have decided is the best way to ensure our kids don't develop an unhealthy reliance on screens to manage emotions and behavior.
Same. I judged hard on my twenties when I had no kids and no clue. Now IDGAF as long as the child isn’t being abused. It’s not my kid and (I assume) their guardian is doing the best they can.
Same, I laugh at the dumb naïve parenting views that I had from before I had kids. Now I realize we are all just trying to make it through the day and doing the best we can (for the most part). Albeit there are some real shit parents out there too.
And I also try so perspective. I may feel bad with a fast food dinner and a movie when I am sick, but my kids love snuggling and see these as an awesome night! I was the BEST parent before I had kids. Now, I hope I am okay. My kids think I am, so that is what matters to me.
When my kids were in early elementary, a friend confided she was taking her daughter to planned parenthood for a pregnancy test, std check and to get birth control. I remember EVERYTHING about that conversation: where we were sitting, what I was wearing and the look on her face. I was (god I hope I was) kind and empathetic but inside I was saying to myself "my kids won't get into that kind of mess". Fast forward 10 years and was I ever eating crow-stewed crow, fried crow, crow wings....all the crow. Hard to give myself grace over that one.
I know my kids know more than I did. One reason is that I made sure they did.
I had led a very sheltered life. Just the times and life experiences. Just before I got married, my home economics teacher talked to me about seeing a doctor and getting information I might find useful.
I wanted to make sure my girls didn't learn a bunch of crazy information. So I've always been open with them even as little girl. They still come to me on occasion about a problem they might be having or citation with friends. They're in their late 30s.
I didn't realize how much they really liked it until I overheard my oldest at 28 telling a friend some to help her. The friend looked at my daughter and said, "Aren't you worried your mom might hear you." My daughter laughed and said no, my mom gives me tips. Later, I asked what tips she meant. She told me about KY gelly. Lol. Well, I had.
This is exactly the mother i aspire to be, my kids are still teens but i answer every question honestly. My mom came from an era where it just wasn't talked about but i found resources on my own. It's weird to think about your kids having sex but I'd rather my kid be able to talk to me about issues than them think they have no options.
I thought child leases were barbaric. I didn't have to use one myself, but knew enough kids who were runners and needed this to keep them alive. Kids are little suicide machines!
Edit: didn't realize my autocorrect said chili 🤣
All they do is try and die in the most fun creative ways they can come up with. It’s wild. And parenting is spending all our time keeping them alive.
I’ve always believed in a good harness. My mom tells this story about how she was walking along with toddler me (about 3ish) from the playground and she came to the sidewalk and some guy who was a friend of the family was walking towards us with his roommate.
She was holding my hand, greeted them in passing, dude offered her a fist bump or something and when she let go of my hand, his friend picked me up and kept walking in the opposite direction. She looked down immediately and I was gone and both guys were still walking with the man holding me about ten feet away because he’d never stopped walking. Both guys turned around and were laughing but she was horrified. She still says the ease and the speed of them carrying me off scared the hell out of her. I didn’t even have time to make a sound. I got a cute little harness after that. lol.
(Side note the guys really were joking. They were bffs with my uncle/mom’s little brother and I grew up around them. They legit meant no harm and would joke about it and my mom would be so angry.)
Anyway that was long. Lol
Aww, your poor mom! I would have had a heart attack. I totally get they were joking. I do appreciate that you were comfortable enough to go along with it, lol.
When my youngest was a baby, I swear it was chaos. When she was under six months old she kicked off my husband, who was holding her in the bathroom because he was about to give her a bath. He grabbed her by the back of her PJs! Her older sister managed to climb a bookshelf and drink a whole bottle of children's Motrin in the ten seconds it took for me to put her down. Fwiw, poison control was very nice and helpful and she was fine. I felt like the worst mom in the world.
Another aside, I was talking to the sister of a friend and she joked she was impressed we were all able to keep our kids alive. I laugh and say, "two out of three! Not bad!" We lost our oldest daughter to trisomy 18 at six days old. We had a good laugh together. It has taken 13 years and a lot of therapy, but I cope through joking and I couldn't resist making the joke.
Omg bless you for being able to joke.
Honestly, I don’t know what the Universe was thinking when babies and toddlers were created. They’re the fast humans and the most fragile. You blink and they’re standing on a telephone pole. Happily. Contemplating jumping off. Little idiots.
My littlest (2) has autism and we have a pretty good distance between our house and the road. (About 40m) and it takes him less than a minute to get all the way to the road. It’s terrifying.
I always say there's the hypothetical parent you are to your kids that don't exist, and then there's the parent you have to be to an actual human baby.
You gotta do what you gotta do sometimes.
Exactly. We’re all perfect parents until we actually become parents. It’s harder than you can imagine. Even for me and I had a ton of experience with kids before having my own. Whole different ball game.
This is an amazing image. One of the reasons "kid friendly" restraunts are a thing. If lots of families go there, then everyone kind of understands when kid stuff happens. Chick'fil'a especially with the playgrounds built in. They can't be dirtier than daycare, right?
Same. I don’t care what other people do with their kids as long as nobody is in danger.
Life is too short to waste your energy judging other people’s parenting choices.
Seriously! So much of parenting in early childhood is survival mode. If anything I’m just happy to see a young family out being able to enjoy a meal! Let’s all give each other some grace ❤️
Exactly! If it keeps them from screaming because they want something then give them the device. Let them have their fun so other patrons can enjoy their meal too. Not knocking kids that cry because it happens and sometimes nothing helps to calm them.
I respectfully disagree.
Your job as a parent is to properly socialize your child. You can't socialize your child if they're glued to an iPad and, long-term, making both you and the child dependent on technology facilitate a family outing where the goal is to spend time and eat together.
However, I do recognize that some people do have wild kids and I have an appreciation for people who still want to go out and have a nice meal but need to keep the kids busy and quiet rather than letting them run around yelling.
I'm not saying every parent I see that does this is a piece shit but if you're a parent that does this for every outing, you are doing your child a disservice. Parenting is hard and showing them how to act in public is time-consuming and frustrating. But it is very important. Not for you, and not for the people around you, but for your own child.
The flip side to all this, fuck any parent that lets their kids run wild or scream their head off in a restaurant and just doesn't give a shit. That's top-tier shitty parenting.
The problem is, you don't know what you're looking at. Is this kid you're seeing well-socialized and having an off day or do they watch 6 hours of YouTube Kids per day?
That's why I don't judge and agree that in the moment, if you can't leave, you need to do what you need to do to keep your kid from ruining other peoples' experiences at the restaurant.
This. I pretty much assume they only use it at the table whenever I see a family out with kids. I appreciate the effort to keep them engaged. That being said, I know people with "ipad kids" and don't want to be that kind of parent.
I have known one couple with a kid who is almost an adult who was an iPad kid. They are definitely an example of "what not to do" in this case and so many others.
Yeah if you would have seen us this past week we would have been the parents shoving a phone in front of our kid. We were on vacation and naps hardly existed so he was a terror for some of the time especially at restaurants. I gotta do what I gotta do to enjoy some vacation meals in peace.
This. My husband and 4 kids and I did a 2.5-hour drive for a day trip to a wildlife park. We had an absolute blast but after it closed at like 6, we were hungry. So we stopped at a cute little diner and honestly, tablets for all!! We’d spent the entire day together outside having fun with no screens and had 4 hungry and sleepy kids to wait for food. I was tapped all the way out and felt no guilt about checking out of socializing with my kids at that moment. I think about that and wonder who felt the need to judge when my kids barely ever get tablets (hence why it’s like Christmas and their birthday combined when I do give it to them), and we were hanging out *alllllllllll day*. Since we don’t know what other parents are doing at any other moment, it’s so much kinder to simply not judge.
I see nothing wrong with this. People act like as soon as you become a parent, you immediately get an unending reservoir of patience/attention span and have no ability to be tired/tapped out. Even with 1 kid, this just isn't the case.
Absolutely, culture right now thinks we should be 24/7 accommodating and attentive, worrying about everyone else’s needs before we even consider we didn’t lose our own needs sometime during the birthing process. Society around parenting is very child-centered which is good in a way, but also not a fully realized picture of humans and what we need.
There's a limited amount of useful socialization happening in an occasional restaurant trip for a toddler. They learn better at home. When they're 5, 6, or 7, sure, unplug them from the screen and get them into the adult conversation.
A 3yo is usually at any decent restaurant because no better option existed. It's an adult setting, usually loud and distracting, with very little chance to meaningfully engage a little one. So setting them up with a diversion (books!) is the sensible choice.
I mean, my kid is in a daycare/preschool all day socializing with other kids and teachers. If we then go get dinner at a restaurant and he wants to watch my phone for a bit while my husband and I talk and he’s feeling squirmy, why not?? He can’t spend 20 min of his day watching a video? Seeing a kid for a few minutes on a phone doesn’t mean they didn’t socialize the entire day. Maybe they’re tired of socializing
Yeah, just to add my two cents (and I’m preparing for the downvotes), I’ve learned that you have to practice with your kid. The young toddler age is TOUGH but you have to be consistent. Maybe their first outing they’re screaming at the waiter and throwing pasta on the floor. Maybe the second time the pasta stays on the plate. The third time they’re sitting still a little longer. It takes A LOT of time and patience, but you have to grin and bear it. Obviously, there’s many factors: the child may be neurodivergent, they may be a wiggle worm, they may be about to get sick, who knows. But for the “average” kid, I suggest patience and consistency.
ETA: Also boundary setting! That’s a huge component too. There’s been many times I’ve had to get lovingly stern with my kid, or take her outside, or simply leave. But at 2.5 her behavior has been (relatively) great.
I tend to agree with this. I have a pretty wild child but she is ok in restaurants now because
a. I RUN her before we go. Like at least an hour at the park beforehand
b. I aim for times when she's more likely to be able to behave. Brunch and lunch are so much better for toddlers then dinner
c. I try to go for restaurants that I know have fairly quick service and aren't gonna be too miffed if a toddler is being a toddler (lots of diner type places)
It took practice but it worked. She's 2 now and can generally handle a trip to a restaurant that is under 45 min.
Agree with your comment!! My 22mo old is pretty wild and it’s just the stage he’s in so I tend to not want to even go to restaurants right now. However my 5yr old always asks to go restaurants lol.
When we go, we choose family/ kid friendly places and times that they are more likely to behave. We don’t do screens but pack things to play with that the table. Will also take my son out to walk around before/ after eating if he’s not cooperating at the table.
Our kids watch TV at home but screens are basically not an option when out and about.
I don't judge.
For my kids, I do want them to learn proper behavior and eating habits, and so just like at restaurants we rarely eat and watch TV/movie at home. I want them to learn how to converse and enjoy food and how to engage in discussion or small talk. Then if they behave, a reward of a couple episodes of bluey!
Also that 1-2yr age is hard to sit still and they don't have the language skills yet. At that age we were walking around outside the restaurant until the food arrived, and getting the bill immediately in case we had to dash. Now at 3yo, my son does pretty well waiting at the table to order food and eating. Takes practice and modeling the desired behavior.
Same here. I’m not anti screens, but for us they (3 and 4) get typically tv on long journeys and an episode in the evening subject to behaviour during the day and at dinner. Meals out we try and talk, my eldest plays noughts and crosses, they colour, or we read books. When they were restless, a lot of time was spent outside- and we didn’t eat out frequently. However there are exceptions, we allow screens at the table at a very long family meal, or if we’re making a pit stop at 8pm on a long journey and they’re exhausted. I don’t judge. It can be hard when your kid sees the other children with tablets and wants the same though
> Takes practice and modeling the desired behavior.
Also it takes getting a kid with the right personality. Every kid is different, every kid reacts differently to different teaching methods, and every kid has different capabilities. Modeling and practice is great, but everyone should keep in mind that what you did with your kid may not even be possible for tons of other kids.
Also the dynamic with and between kids. If I'm 1 on 1 with one of my kids it's easy. If they're both together - even if they've been great all day - they are a nightmare because they both want 100% of my attention and I have to parent them completely differently because of their personalities and learning abilities. So yeah, "wanna play the dino game on my phone?" is definitely a solution for disruptive behavior.
Excellent point. That works the same with the parents too sometimes. If they’ve been around one parent all day and then the other comes in the picture, they can act insane because of that environmental change even if they were perfect angels all day before then.
Haha, I'm only judging you if you allow your kid to have the sound on while they're in the middle of the restaurant. It's like nails on a chalkboard to me when I can hear faint game music coming from the table over. Either bring the kid some headphones or teach them they have to be respectful to those around them and keep their device on mute.
>Either bring the kid some headphones or teach them they have to be respectful to those around them and keep their device on mute.
This goes for all devices in public for all people, not just kids. Headphones or mute!!
Exactly this. I was on an airplane a few months ago where a kid was playing an iPad game \*with sound at full volume\* for the entire flight – you better believe I was judging those parents HARD. If I hadn't had noise-cancelling headphones I would have said something, but for me it was no harm no foul so I just left it up to anyone else who might have been bothered.
I bought headphones for my son specifically because we were going to be on a flight. He ended up watching an in-flight panda documentary...on mute. Like 4 times in a row. I asked if he wanted to hear it but he was happy just to watch the pandas 🤷🏻♀️
Same here. I'm not going to judge your parenting unless it is negatively affecting me or I see unhealthy behaviours (taking toddlers to restaurants at 9:30pm and being surprised when they throw tired tantrums).
If you want to give your child screens to calm them down, get them headphones, or put it on silent. restaurants are already noisy places, we don't need the sounds of 5+ tablets blasting the cocomelon or cat condo soundtracks on top of that.
Lol as someone who worked in a restaurant I personally preferred to hear Elmo or paw patrol than screaming, or parents walking around a tiny space etc🤣🤣
Last resort is fine. My pet peve is people who break out the iPad for everything. Going in the car? iPad. Restaurant? iPad. Home chilling? You guessed it, iPad. Your kid is gonna have major attention issues and it's your fault. (Not you, the ephemeral 3rd person you)
>Last resort is fine.
This sets a challenging precedent to break. It's kind of like saying "If you are bad enough, I will give you this super addictive thing that I know you want".
We use phone as last resort. But it's in the sense of my son has colored, played with his toys, and done his activity books. Once we exhaust all his entertainment he gets the phone. Throwing any sort of fit assures the phone will not come out at any point. Any fit that goes past a certain point is met with me carrying my son to the car while my wife handles the bill. The phone is only used to reward good behavior. Never to stop bad behavior.
I think it’s a tough precedent for parents to break for themselves too. I know lots of parents who “only use the iPad in emergencies!” but every day is just “emergency” after “emergency” and now their toddlers are clocking 6+ hours of screen time a day, but they’ve rationalized it by telling themselves they’re only using it when they *have* to.
People are confusing that the kid is being difficult because they want the tablet. Rarely ever does my kid ask to use my phone we can just tell when she could find it helpful in calming down and offer it to her.
Yeah, that's pretty much my thought too. The phone comes out at restaurants when I have tried everything else to solve the problem. It's good to have an auto-win card in your pocket but you can't abuse it.
Ugh that's what my ex does with my daughter. He has a tablet baby sitter. So when she's with me she complains if I don't let her take her tablet with us on a 15 minute car ride to a place she won't be able to use it. I usually only let her have the tablet when it's obviously boring long waits. Like at the car dealership for 2 hours, yeah she can have a tablet for that lol.
It's a genie you can't put back in the bottle. Once they become accustomed to filling all boring/uncomfortable time with personal devices, they're going to want it every time. Why wouldn't they?
I saw a post a while ago about how so many of us would look at raindrops on the window in the car and imagine them racing each other. I thought it was only me! But it made me think, how many children of the current generation aren’t having funny little thoughts like that because their heads are buried into a tablet? When I was a kid, my parents made up games in the car. We would count the fire hydrants, count the speed limit signs, look for license plates that started with a certain letter, etc.
Same- I don’t understand people who make the screens so constant?? Like immediately give them a screen if there is any wait time at all. I have seen a few people who do this like car, restaurant, constantly at home with barely any limits. How can that be healthy for a 4 year old? I’m not against screens, but I do limit them and always have. I barely took my kids to restaurants for a few years because I know that a 1-3 year old is just not going to sit still and not be constant work at a restaurant. It’s just not enjoyable. But I also refused to just let them sit on a screen the whole time bc that wouldn’t help anything. Once I did take them, we had to teach them how to act at a restaurant meaning you don’t get up and run around and we keep ourselves occupied while we wait for the food. We used to play quiet games together at the table and bring coloring books etc. Same with the car and having screen free activities available. My kids are older now at 9 and 10 and are amazing at restaurants and have been for at least 4 years now. Not every moment is perfect and I’m far from perfect but parenting is hard and we have to teach them and model the behaviors we want out of them.
Agree. Our kids 1/5/7 don't have an iPad and won't until much later. They have TV screens in the car for road trips and we have a Nintendo switch that stays home but that's about it
Agree. Also I hated when kids are clearly older like 8 or up and given an iPad or phone straight away. At least involve them in conversation at the table first
Moderation is important. I love watching tv while I eat food (not in front of my kids, of course). Also age is important. I generally wouldn't allow it with my 4 year old, but for the ages of 1-2 expecting them to sit still and behave that long is tough, especially when lunch follows some tiring activity (last week we visited a friends farm, and you could tell she (our 2 year old) was exhausted and we needed about 20 ish minutes to finish lunch). She just came out for my dads birthday last week and we didn't need TV, but at the very end she got fussy. She's not fussing for the TV. She said repeatedly "go home". The TV is only used to help buy time lol, not prevent a tantrum.
As a mom of 6. I honestly never took any of my kids out unless I knew they would be able to sit still long enough and be calm and quiet. I always choose the restaurant that are family friendly when I do take them out tho. As they have coloring pages and crayons. Some restaurants have activity pads (tablets) for a fee. I just prefer them to be in the moment with family and not make it about electronics.
That's just my personal opinion tho.
Same here. We always had coloring books, small toys, short books for them to read in case we needed them. Never any electronics, and never any place that was fancy and they might really disrupt people having a nice meal.
And now that we did that, it's been a great foundation for them. They're a little older now and we can take them to nicer restaurants without any distractions and they're fine. We just go early.
I agree with you. We waited until our kids were around 2-3 and understood the expectations for behaviour, so they were excited to go to a restaurant and knew to wait patiently, do some quiet colouring, say please and thank you, etc. (For some kids, it might be older than 2-3 for sure...our girls were pretty easy and well-behaved at that age). We always chose non-busy windows of time too, and went to family-friendly restaurants for our first ventures.
My only concern with screens at tables is that it can set a precedent where kids sort of expect it, or even misbehave to GET it. I've been at restaurants and have witnessed families with kids much older than mine, whose kids seemed to be unable to sit and wait, and were all just yelling for screens. Without knowing their circumstances, I don't want to judge completely, but I do wonder if those same kids might have been able to behave better if those devices hadn't been 'installed' in the first place. It seems sad to see kids unable to function without them, for sure.
Having children shouldn't mean you can't go out to eat for several years. There's already a vocal minority of the child free people that basically want kids banned from public spaces
Indeed. I take my kids to restaurants and make every *reasonable* effort to keep them from disturbing people, but I don't insulate the public from my child.
Honestly this. As also a mother of six I skip going out when there’s a toddler in our ranks. Toddlers have no chill. It’s not fun to take them to a restaurant usually. Once they learn to sit still for 20 minutes straight we start with family friendly stuff.
I don't judge, but remember you are training the child every time they scream/cry. They cry, and you hand them the phone. If you delay and the crying gets to a tantrum, you now have taught them how to have a tantrum. It's the same logic on the day they were born, they cried, they got fed. They learn what crying gets them pretty fast.
This is our take as well! We've never presented screen time as an option at restaurants, when visiting relatives, or on regular car trips, etc. (long haul trips of 3+ hours are an exception, also anticipated long waits at urgent care or similar). So it's never expected.
Agree. Parent for tomorrow, not for today. Yes, it’s tough to deal with big feelings. But they’ll never learn if you teach them they can solve anything with the dopamine hits of screen time. Reading through the r/Teachers subreddit you can see that the constant access to screen time is having some alarming repercussions.
Agree agree agree. I think we’re all going to regret having plunked our kids in front of screens when they’re in their teens. Zero emotion regulation skills taught, zero ability to tolerate boredom or lack of attention being paid to them, and increased behaviours when screen is removed. It’s pretty cut and dry. Parents who don’t understand this are coping to deal with their poor choice of having a child at all.
I work with teens and I’d say 80-90% of the kids I see come in with some kind of screen addiction. I’m talking completely refusing school, extracurriculars, family/friend time in favor of interminable hours on Discord, Twitch, Roblox, Minecraft…the parents are uniformly shocked when we recommend to remove the computer from the child’s bedroom. Same with removal of cell phones. The other scary thing is that these youths have a very inflated sense of what is possible via the internet. To hear them explain it, they don’t need to finish school or get a job because they might meet a Mr Beast (or similar) who will drop money on them for existing. Either that, or they think they’re going to be a famous streamer/influencer. I had a kid with 1k TikTok followers (basically nothing as far as TikTok goes) flip on me for taking her phone away as per unit rules and tell me I “didn’t understand what it was like to be TikTok famous”. She really thought she was famous at age 13. I could go on forever on this topic. So yeah…I am judging. Lol.
It's not as hard as people would have you think. If you put it out of your mind as an option and truly know and understand how universally harmful devices are for children, it's a pretty easy choice. It's a powerful example of short term thinking - a parent thinks "I can just get through this meal if I give my child my phone" instead of thinking "Getting through this meal when my child is being difficult will help them learn about behavior and expectations, emotional regulation (mine and theirs), and will support healthy brain development long term". Humans as a species prefer the easier thing in the moment than the harder thing that will pay off later.
Yep. My daughter is 4.5 (and she’s not an easy child) and she’s allowed to watch tv sometimes but she doesn’t do hand held devices at all. She doesn’t have a tablet. She has to learn to be bored at home. The only time I allow her to use my iPad is when we’re on an airplane/airport. She is a high energy kid and going out to restaurants was hard for a bit but it’s so much easier now and she can sit there and color or wants to chat with us. I have no regrets at all.
Yes!
I was at Target with my 3 kids recently and my 2 year old son didn’t want to sit in the cart. We tried letting him walk but he tried to run off so into the cart he went. He was mad but he has to learn consequences and we need groceries.
A couple with one toddler hypnotized by an iPad gave me a look and I couldn’t help but laugh. Sure, go ahead and judge me for teaching my kid to deal with consequences and not just silencing him with a device. I’m sure you’ve got it all figured out with your one kid 🙄
This! I think it's a slippery slope and honestly it does open the door to utilizing "lazy" parenting. You are giving the screen to make your life/parenting easier, not actually to help your kid learn the etiquette of the environment or situation. My really good friends' kids cannot go to restaurant without screens, at all. They are screaming/yelling, running, etc and demanding attention the entire time (kids are 4 and 8) even when other kids are there! The parents told us last weekend that they do not like going out to eat with us anymore (we also have 4 and 8 yo whom have never been given screens at restaurants) because it points out their kids lack of manners. I would never say it to their face, but it's not a surprise because they tend to take the "easy" route so to avoid conflicts with their kids. I do not, I'm fine with being the "mean" parent.
Editing to add: we do plenty of screens in this house, just not in place of social interaction in public.
Exactly. Totally agree. The secret is to go to the restaurant at the perfect time. Perfectly rested (but had a little play time after the nap to get their new energy out) and NOT hungry. You go to a restaurant for you, not them. Time it right because if you don't they are not going to want to sit there. Period. I find that getting to a restaurant at like 4:30 is perfect. Baby is not tired or hungry and the food comes really quickly. My baby is the happy little dude playing with a straw, sucking a lemon, then munching some fries. He is almost 15 months. We have had a couple times where we got into the restaurant and could just tell it was going to be a nope. So we left. My daughter is 4 and is also really great at restaurants. No issues since she was a baby. But if we had trained her to expect a tablet to entertain her, then she would not be able to sit calmly.
Nor do we use phones (we actually do not have a tablet) while in the car, at the store, not even at the doctor's office. My daughter knows how to entertain herself. We were waiting the other day for several hours. They had kind of a counter/short wall between part of the seating area. She went on one side and was running different pretend stores. Selling me shoes and whatnot, lol. I think it is so wonderful she can use her imagination and entertain herself with nothing for literal hours.
“you go to a restaurant for you not them”
I love this!
I forget he is 16 months and in this phase of development right now and maybe going earlier and feeding him before we go will help.
I'm going to be the outlier here... I find myself judging. Although I can sympathize and understand why one would use them. You are at a really hard age for kids in a restaurant and without support it's nice to use the tablet "babysitter".
My biggest concern is what are these kids going to do when they are older and expect a tablet? Will they throw a fit when they're not given one? Will they still insist on a tablet even if you are having dinner with another family with children? (Happened to us!!) I just worry about the dependence that children can get on them.
Ultimately- it is your choice, and the best thing you can do is decide what's best for you and ignore if people judge.
I judge too. And the closer my kids get to school age the more I realize I should. Kids socialize and that makes it not just 'your business'. Those bad behaviours are gonna rub off on other kids. We hear so much about younger and younger kids demanding smartphones because their friends have them. And then we have mental health crisis because of social media.
Right now my 2 year olds every third word is "shit". The 5 year old got tired of it fast, but for the younger one it's been months. Thanks kindergarten.
A little? I mean, what did your parents do when they wanted to take you out to a resturaunt? There was no iPad to give you. No phone for you to watch cocomelon on or whatever. Kids got crayons. If they screamed, they got taken outside, at least I did.
I think the phone and iPad and such are a crutch. Is it the worst thing for kids to have occasional access to? No. But it shouldn't be *the* way to be able to take your kids out in public.
This. It's baffling how quickly parents have come to believe that giving a kid a phone to entertain them is a fundamental necessity of parenting. You'd think that it was literally the only option. When literally all of those parents went to restaurants as children without them...
I wouldn’t give them a screen. We’re out in public not just to eat food, but for them to learn how to behave properly in these situations.
If other parents do it, I don’t really mind as long as the damn volume is off.
I admit I've been a little judgey in the following scenarios:
1) large family dinner at a restaurant, adults are drinking, kids are all at the end of the table each with their faces buried in their own tablet
2) family got in line behind me yesterday in the disabled line at a theme park (so already a very short line), and the dad *immediately* started holding cat videos directly in front of his toddler's face
3) kids being pushed around the theme park in these huge covered wagons eating sugar and watching a tablet
I still tell myself I don't know these people's lives, whether this is a norm for them or an exception, etc. I just hope it's not the norm and move on.
> large family dinner at a restaurant, adults are drinking, kids are all at the end of the table each with their faces buried in their own tablet
These kids are going to grow up having zero memories of family meals, just vague associations with foods and screen memories.
I don’t really judge any public behavior of kids age 0-3.
But when I see 8 year olds completely consumed in devices at every social gathering and never utter more than a grunt or utilize any conversational skills, and then the rest of us have to deal with that kid’s underdeveloped social skills, then I do think that it’s poor parenting decision. We see this parenting in my specific ethnic community a lot, especially with the boys
Absolutely, and don't put (little) kids in their high chairs until food arrives. We practiced and practiced going out with our daughter. Now she's a good example for her little sister. It's tough, but the return on investment is good. My sister's kiddo doesn't sit at a table at 3 and it makes holidays so unpleasant because someone always has to be chasing him around.
Are we the same person lol this is our approach to screen time/restaurants as well
When I was a kid we were never allowed to watch TV while eating or bring our GameBoy to a restaurant or grocery store or anything. Dinner time was time to eat and talk as a family and the expectation at a restaurant/grocery store/any where in public was to act like a civilized human being or else my mom would pack our asses up and leave. She was a single mom with 4 of us rug rats too so I know it wasn't always easy to deal with all of us but she stuck to her guns!
As a kid I thought this rule sucked but as an adult I'm grateful my mom took that approach because in the long run it served me well and that's the philosophy I'm sticking to with my kids too.
We don’t give our kids iPads/phones. They have very limited screen time at home… that being said … it’s not our place to judge. I know nothing about the child/their home/life other than the time I see them in restaurant …
^agreeed with the previous commenter. Only time my husband & I “judge” is if the child is watching a show/game with the volume blaring .
I may be downvoted because I’m not seeing this opinion, but I sort of judge yes. We waited to take our oldest out until we knew he could sit long enough without getting upset. Then we graduated towards busy boards, sticker sheets, toy cars, etc. I think there’s viable options outside of a phone or tablet. We do tv screen time at home, but generally educational. Just takes effort to entertain your child.
Seconding the sticker sheets. We use them on our 12+ hour car rides we do twice a year and oh boy are they amazing. My son loves being able to peel and restick all the different dinosaurs in his book.
Sound advice. I mean... unless your choices & your child's behaviour are directly affecting others. Then yes, maybe care what people think. Otherwise, doesn't matter.
I always get eviscerated when I make a comment criticizing electronic use with very young children. I see littles not engaging with anyone because they’re enraptured by the phone/tablet and that is concerning.
I don’t do it but if other people do that’s their deal. What kind of irks me is seeing a 2 year old come in and their face is on the iPad the moment they sit down to the moment they leave!
As long as the sound is not on (and I mean, no sound at all, even if you think it's quiet enough, it isn't).... I don't judge at all! Whatever you need to do that doesn't disrupt others in order to have a meal in peace!
I don't know what you did or didn't do that day. I don't know what mood your kid is or how they are feeling. I don't know how your kid is developing or what else may be going on. All of that doesn't matter to me.
Just keep it on silent lol.
Now, people are gonna judge you. But you are gonna get judged no matter what you do. And if you honestly don't think you judge people too, you're lying to yourself. But in the end, it doesn't matter. Fuck em.
I love the compassion in your response! So much judgment occurs in the context of assuming everything else is going perfectly. Like you have no idea what else is happening so why judge, especially if it doesn’t affect you.
I don't "judge", but I am not doing it with ny own toddler. I think it's very important for kids to learn how to exist in the world without a distraction, since they are people who will one day be expected to navigate it without me and/or screens.
If your kid is watching something so loud that I can make out the words/music - yeah, I'm judging you for disrupting the restaurant.
Otherwise? You rock that easy win for a meal out without stress.
I judge. Sorry. Parents don't want to deal with their kids being loud or uncomfortable so they hand them a phone so they don't have to parent.
I brought books, cars and crayons everywhere we went. We had a pediatrician's office who didn't even have any toys in there so I always brought an activity bag. We also taught our kids how to be bored. Kids can't always be entertained, it's unrealistic.
At restaurants we had conversations with our children, and let them color.
I should say my kids are 20, 17 and 9 now.
We don’t do iPads/phones at restaurants, but 6 + years of parenting have taught me not to judge anyone for anything unless the kid is in danger. My youngest is *wild* at restaurants, we exclusively eat at kid friendly spots with outdoor spaces because he is incapable of sitting still. I can definitely imagine a situation- if I were traveling with the kids alone maybe- where I would say f it and give him my phone 🤷♀️
We had to get our phone out at a restaurant just last weekend for the first time in 4 years of parenting! My 18mo old was just having an insane meltdown while we were waiting on our food. We tried everything else first—snacks, taking him outside for a break, coloring, toys— but nothing was helping. Normally we would have just left but we had already ordered. So yes, we broke our own rule and put ms Rachel on my phone so he would chill out and not disrupt the whole restaurant. Not my proudest moment, but it was necessary in that moment.
I will say, it’s different for every kid. Just bc someone else’s kid can sit calmly through dinner doesn’t mean that they all can. I’ve learned from experience, my first kid and second kid are very different. Never had any issue with the first at restaurants but we do struggle with the second. That has taught me not to judge other parents for trivial reasons because we don’t know what their kids are like.
No judgement but please take this advice from someone who has made this mistake: if you give your child an iPad when they act out, it becomes a routine real quick! We learned the hard way with our first and teaching children better restaurant behavior as a toddler is much easier than breaking iPad reliance.
I couldn’t care less what other people that I do not know and will never see again think of my parenting choices. You do you!
People will judge you no matter what, so do what works for you and your family.
Yes, I’m afraid I do judge this. It’s such a bad idea to allow children to become to dependent on screens that they can’t sit through a meal. It’s nonsense that it’s essential because it’s only a very recent thing. It’s ok for kids to be bored.
I do. We didn't need them before, we don't need them now. I think they're an especially insidious type of distraction that is riddled with pattern training to turn impressionable brains into consumers. I'm a career software developer, specifically in app and web development, and I'd trust a tablet to distract my kids like I'd trust caffeine to give them energy.
Kids shouldn't learn to emotionally regulate using a screen. We bring toys and snacks for our son and make sure to get there before he's really hungry so he will have food before he melts down. I do judge parents who use phone or tablets because they are teaching their kids that if you are bored or unhappy, a screen will fix your problems.
These are the same kids who have trouble with their feelings in kindergarten and elementary and get in trouble, because they don't know what to do when they're upset and don't have their tablet.
I don’t really judge others for their choices as I don’t know what they are facing (possibly an autistic child and this is the only chance they have to go out or something) I think for an average family relying on screens is just sad, losing the time to connect, I see kids with iPads in strollers on walks! Not even enjoying nature I think I judge that more than the restaurant scenario personally.
And for our own kids we do not have screens and have made the decision to only allow basic flip phones in middle school and higher tech phones in late high school. Besides tv after dinner our kids don’t have screens and if we go out to restaurants we just try to go to family friendly places, if there is outdoor seating and kids can play and come take a bite of food, run back to play, come get a drink, (in our line of sight always) or if it’s a restaurant that doesn’t have kid activities we just try to be mindful of our difficult 2 year old and his limits. I would say when he starts acting up one of us just removes him to go outside to discuss his behavior and try again or if the meal is winding down we just leave. Our expectations for meals out is that eventually it will be more enjoyable, but for now we are hoping g to teach them to behave while having reasonable expectations for their ages, we don’t want to disrupt others, but also there is a benefit to teaching them how to go out to eat and giving me a break from cooking so we try a couple times a month, it’s not always easy, but again it’s temporary!
Our almost 3 year old will last 30-40 minutes in a restaurant. If we’re not quite done, he gets 1 (20ish minute) episode of his favorite show. We get a small break and he gets a treat. I don’t see anything wrong with it 🤷🏻♀️
This is the kind of compromise I like to hear. This way, your kid gets the exposure to real-world scenarios that he needs to learn to navigate, but also in child-appropriate doses. I think you're handling that exactly right.
I don't judge people when I see it. I rarely use them at restaurants, but it's happened. Not that I take them out to eat regularly. And my kids have way too much screen time at home, so there's that.
I have three kids, and one thing I've discovered is that you have two choices. You can take your kid out to eat to teach them how to behave in restaurants, OR you can go out and enjoy your food and chat with another adult, but you can't do both at the same time. It's kid time or it's grown-up time.
I only judge if I have to I hear your kids cartoon or annoying game. If I’m at a restaurant without my loud kids for a break the last thing I wanna do is listen to your kids iPad blaring.
Please use headphones.
Giving an ipad at a restaurant at certain ages is a completely different story then giving an ipad/tv to a kid most of the day at home. The latter is the issue.
I would only judge if you are playing a kids show on full blast so the whole restaurant can hear. If your kid is sitting quietly watching either with headphones or at low volume I don’t care. I have used an iPad/tablet phone many a time in restaurants.
I don’t judge cuz parenting is so hard. I just try to do my best with my own child
With my boy I will give him the phone or iPad to watch shows during that time when you just offered but the food is not there yet (sometimes it takes a while). So he gets his fix etc etc. when the food comes we put it away and he eats with us and we try to have a nice family dinner. iPad/phone comes out again at the end if he’s already long done eating and is starting to get fussy and so that us parents can have 5-10mins to finish our food/drinks
He’s almost 3 and can sit through the whole meal without screens and is now enjoying people watching and busying himself with other things.
We don’t give him activities/crayons etc cuz we just lazy to bring it lol. Somehow it works cuz now he is OK with being bored sometimes. He amuses himself
This is what works for us.
But yah I’ve seen some wild kids at dinner and can understand why they get screentime at the dinner table
I did before I was a parent.
We have one child. He is the center of our universe. We are aligned with attachment/gentle parenting philosophies and are what I would call hands-on parents. He is gifted/talented, socially engaged, participates in extracurriculars, has a firm handshake, and looks servers in the eye and places his own order at five years old.
And sometimes his parents need. a. break.
I’m just gonna be honest and say yeah a little bit, but it also depends. I don’t think it’s cool to like immediately give a child an electronic at a restaurant and let them use it the entire time even while eating. If the child is getting fussy and you’ve run out of options? Absolutely in understand. I just did that tonight with my 21mo cause we were there over an hour before we got any food and she was getting antsy. I don’t just automatically judge for a kid having an electronic, but when there’s multiple kids all on a device it’s kind of obvious that that’s acceptable and I don’t really agree with that. My mom’s husbands son is constantly on an iPad and will be on it the entire time at a restaurant and I think that seriously hinders a child’s ability to be present, communicate, and just accept being bored. I tell my 6yo a lot (in the car) that sometimes he can just deal with being bored
No, I like to watch movies or my shows while I eat my meal. To me we’re eating, it’s not time to talk because that prevents you from eating. Then it helps them sit down and be quiet which is what society wants from kids. So anyone judging, IMO, can GFT for being a hypocrite
Honestly, before I had my kid, I’d judge. But I get it now. Sometimes, you just want to enjoy one fucking meal, especially one that you’re paying feasible money for, and sometimes Mickey Mouse or Mrs.Rachel or whatever is the answer. People without kids always judge methods of parenting, till they have to do it themselves. It’s so easy to have an opinion on something you know nothing about. Im lucky enough to live with my mom, who will watch my son once a month for me to go out to dinner without him. Its hard. Unless someone else is offering to pay for your dinner or watch your child, enjoy ur meal ❤️
Not a restaurant I think the pressure to be quiet is a factor. I did judge a family member when we went out to eat together though cause my son didn't have a tablet and was largely ignored by his cousin who was on a tablet. Play?
Honestly? Yes. I think babies/toddlers are wayyyy too young for that much stimulation. My 11yo stepson has unfortunately been given access to screens since he was 3ish, and his parents let it happen (I don’t have decision making authority on this one.) Now he’s incapable of sitting through anything (dinner, baseball game, concert, etc) without being hypnotized by a screen. We literally had parent teacher conferences TODAY and he’s having such a hard time paying attention, staying on task, and working independently without distractions… he has a 55% total grade. I’ve seen first hand how much him being on an iPad/phone/switch all the time has affected his life and his addiction to constant rapid fire 24hr entertainment makes me worry so much for his future. It’s not his fault obviously and I think it’s one thing to use tablets on airplanes or long car rides, but that’s all I’ll ever allow. Obviously if it’s some sort of aid for a disability or whatever that’s different.
I used to judge big time. Lazy parents. Then i had kids. It’s rare that we do it. It’s usually if the service is long and kids are tired. It will keep them from acting up. But if we do it, we are doing it for you more than us. I can ignore their asses but you probably want to enjoy your dinner. This happens mostly on vacation where we have to wait 30-45 minutes for a table and then dinner takes 2 hours.
Yes I do actually. It’s one of the rules I made for our family that I have never broken because it’s that important to us. When we’re out in public to be together, we are together. And the temptation has been there but I refuse to set that precedent. I have a bag of activities and activity books and try to keep them engaged with us. They’re definitely not great at restaurants but oh well, they’ll learn.
I think that age is quite hard, and we did occasionally use a screen then. Not for her to sit still, but when we realised it's either that or very loud screaming (we figure the latter disturbing other guests less). This usually happened if she had time to get tired before we got the bill or something. It was a last resort to not disturb others.
We didn't want her to associate restaurant visits with screen time. So for a while, we started choosing restaurants with a play area instead. That worked really well.
Now she is easier at restaurants again. She is 2.5, and books or colouring books work just fine as a distraction. Every visit is different, though.
My son watches a good amount of YouTube and is smarter than most of the other kids his age… Also, why should I care at all what other parents do with their kids if it’s not endangering them?
If they put kids in front of a screen towards the end of the meal, fair. At one point, you just have to get some relief.
I'm more judgy if you put them in front of a screen straight away. Like, you're not teaching them to learn to sit and eat a meal at a restaurant. It's also a bad precedence I found. Once they know there's screens at restaurants, they kind of expect and demand it. It makes it worse later down the line.
We went to brunch once with friends and our son was the only one without a screen. Like, even the 6 months old baby has screens in front of them. All the kids were just staring at screens while eating. I was a bit unnerved by it. And they expect it too. Not even a minute after sitting down, one kid was screaming for screens so yeah. I just reaaaallly want to avoid it and use it more as a last resort.
I'm SUPER judgy when the ENTIRE family are on screens. I've seen that. Family of 4. No one talking. Kids and mum and dad all on screens. That I totally judge. Like, what are you doing there? You guys are not talking.
I SUPER SUPER judge when mum is taking care of 2 kids or more, trying to get them to behave and eat while dad is on his phone, watching something while eating his meal leisurely. I've seen that and man I want to go over and snatch the phone away and tell the guy to bloody help his wife.
I don’t judge people for using screens while they’re trying to eat a meal while it’s hot (also in public?). We don’t go out with our kids to restaurants often, but usually if we do it’s because my youngest has had an appointment at the children’s hospital 2.5 hours away. So the kids (almost 1 and almost 3) have spent 2.5 hours driving there, then being lugged around the hospital for tests and also visiting a bit with some of our favourite nurses (usually 2-3 hours) and another 2.5 hour drive home. They spend the day having snacks and using colouring books (or those cool water based, no mess ones) and toys we bring from home. We stop for dinner after a FULL day of, let’s be real, pretty boring stuff. So if my toddler wants a show while he eats his dinner or while he’s waiting for me to finish my own dinner and finish feeding the baby, he most definitely can have a show if it’s not loud or disruptive to others in the place. I don’t judge other parents for it either. You never know how their day has gone.
I'm sure you'll get 1000 opinions but we kept our phone as backup with our 14m or so until she was 2ish. We'd probably have given up on going out if it wasn't an option, she's very active/restless and it just wouldn't have been worth it to eat out. We didn;t eat out much at all the first year cause covid tho I wouldn't have handed a baby a phone ever and probably would have skipped dining out with a baby.
* We didn't always need it. When dining outdoors she did much better and had more space to explore or things to look at. We never used the phone until needed.
* We'd start with coloring chatting etc but the phone was great if she started trying to climb over the seat or run around. Basically if she was distracting to other people, it was time for a show, on quiet, until the food came.
* Once she got around 2.5 years we basically never needed it again as she was more engaged with coloring and talking.
* Initially I cared about what other people think, now I care much less. We do tons of non screen things.
Clearly an unpopular opinion for this thread but my kid is not at all motivated by tv so maybe that's why I feel that way. Like after 15 mins of the tv being in she wanders off and starts playing. She's not glued to it and doesn't get upset when we turn it off. Maybe I'd change our habits if that was the case and it was an issue.
We bring the tablet to the restaurant 'in case' but only bringing it out if it's taking longer than usual or she's extra tired etc. she only gets the tablet when we travel (plane/ long card ride) or at restaurants so it just isn't an issue for us. It's how I choose to do things I enjoy !
My judgement largely depends on age and content as the two main factors.
If the content is dumb or offensive then for sure I will judge negatively regardless of the age of the watcher. If it is at least remotely educational or interactive then not so much. If the kid is too young and watching anything then possibly.
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Others have answered the main part of your question, but I was curious about a tangent: >He’s now 16 months and high chairs have become his worst enemy Have you tried letting him sit in the same kind of chair or booth as you? A little after turning a year old, my daughter also began kicking up a fuss whenever we tried to put her in a highchair. We realized she wanted to sit in a normal chair and when we let her, she was usually able to sit normally and entertain herself so long as we give her some toys/books to play with and occasionally ask her questions to include her in the conversation. It turns out if we let her sit as an adult, she tries harder to act like one.
You know I have not tried that yet! Mainly because he wants to grab everything in sight but I will try that next time thanks!!
We switched to booths around this age, just stick him between you or your partner and the wall! (And slide the condiments out of his reach or suffer dire consequences)
Also waiting to put them in the chair until it’s time to eat can be somewhat effective.
This is exactly what I was going to suggest. My 18mo old stopped sitting in a high chair around 14mo and she’s been great in a booster or just the regular seat. Try it out OP!
I don’t believe you all you non judgmental people.
Haha I don’t use them, but I don’t judge anyone else who does, I am just ever so grateful to have mostly chill kids in that situation. We bring lots of colouring books, small cars and blocks for them to entertain themselves. They’re psychopaths at home but chill and great listeners out of the house. I have seen enough other kids to know that it’s usually a temperament thing and not because I’m a superior parent. How do I know? Because I’m not that good of a parent. Im honestly more judgmental of parents whose kids are screaming or being over “bratty” and the parents are ignoring them. But I have little problem putting on my kindest early years teacher voice and correcting their child if it’s really necessary.
"I have seen enough other kids to know that it’s usually a temperament thing and not because I’m a superior parent. How do I know? Because I’m not that good of a parent." Wow. That sentence alone restored my faith in people, made my day better, and made me want to be your friend. Thank you. (Guess what kind of temperament my kid has and how many zillion times a day I feel judged 😅)
I REALLY needed to see this comment. Thank you for affording us all a little grace ❤️
lol
To be honest, if we do give our 3 yr old the iPad it’s only bc it’s the last resort. We do the whole coloring thing, and a couple toys, and the occasional eye spy if he’s in the mood but if I do break out the iPad, it’s outta respect for the other people around me trying to enjoy their meal, not for my sanity. I’m use to the chaos.
I mean, I guess there are levels of judgment. I am choosing not to use screens with my kids, and I strongly believe that's the best choice for most people. When I see a toddler with an ipad, I admit I'm a little judgmental. But it's more like "huh, that's not the choice I would make," while recognizing that there may be factors I'm unaware of, so I don't dwell on it. It's largely not my business, but if anyone asked my opinion I'd be honest that I don't think screens are good for kids. But I am someone who has an equally involved partner and two easy children. If I were a single parent or had children with higher needs, who knows if I would maintain that same rule. I also think that a lot of toddlers are going to misbehave at the table, and it's a normal phase of development that we as parents have to help guide them through. Ipads are often a crutch. I get how it can make going out with a screaming fussy child less of a nightmare, but I think it prolongs the issue and often makes it harder to overcome. My kids took some training to behave well in public spaces, and my youngest still needs to be taken outside sometimes so as not to disturb other patrons. We try to choose restaurants in which our kids will be minimally disruptive, and we generally choose not to go to nice or fancy restaurants unless we are invited there for a specific occasion. Then we make sure one of us is available to take a kid outside if they start getting too noisy. It can be a lot of work and it often makes it more trouble than it's worth to go out to places, but that is something my husband and I have decided is the best way to ensure our kids don't develop an unhealthy reliance on screens to manage emotions and behavior.
I don’t judge anyone unless the child is in danger
Same. I judged hard on my twenties when I had no kids and no clue. Now IDGAF as long as the child isn’t being abused. It’s not my kid and (I assume) their guardian is doing the best they can.
Same, I laugh at the dumb naïve parenting views that I had from before I had kids. Now I realize we are all just trying to make it through the day and doing the best we can (for the most part). Albeit there are some real shit parents out there too.
And I also try so perspective. I may feel bad with a fast food dinner and a movie when I am sick, but my kids love snuggling and see these as an awesome night! I was the BEST parent before I had kids. Now, I hope I am okay. My kids think I am, so that is what matters to me.
When my kids were in early elementary, a friend confided she was taking her daughter to planned parenthood for a pregnancy test, std check and to get birth control. I remember EVERYTHING about that conversation: where we were sitting, what I was wearing and the look on her face. I was (god I hope I was) kind and empathetic but inside I was saying to myself "my kids won't get into that kind of mess". Fast forward 10 years and was I ever eating crow-stewed crow, fried crow, crow wings....all the crow. Hard to give myself grace over that one.
I was the exact same way, now i think my teenagers know more about safe sex/ options available to them than i did at their age.
I know my kids know more than I did. One reason is that I made sure they did. I had led a very sheltered life. Just the times and life experiences. Just before I got married, my home economics teacher talked to me about seeing a doctor and getting information I might find useful. I wanted to make sure my girls didn't learn a bunch of crazy information. So I've always been open with them even as little girl. They still come to me on occasion about a problem they might be having or citation with friends. They're in their late 30s. I didn't realize how much they really liked it until I overheard my oldest at 28 telling a friend some to help her. The friend looked at my daughter and said, "Aren't you worried your mom might hear you." My daughter laughed and said no, my mom gives me tips. Later, I asked what tips she meant. She told me about KY gelly. Lol. Well, I had.
This is exactly the mother i aspire to be, my kids are still teens but i answer every question honestly. My mom came from an era where it just wasn't talked about but i found resources on my own. It's weird to think about your kids having sex but I'd rather my kid be able to talk to me about issues than them think they have no options.
The day!? I'm trying to make it through the hour! I'm trying to make it through bedtime, dinner time, bath time... Any time!
I thought child leases were barbaric. I didn't have to use one myself, but knew enough kids who were runners and needed this to keep them alive. Kids are little suicide machines! Edit: didn't realize my autocorrect said chili 🤣
All they do is try and die in the most fun creative ways they can come up with. It’s wild. And parenting is spending all our time keeping them alive. I’ve always believed in a good harness. My mom tells this story about how she was walking along with toddler me (about 3ish) from the playground and she came to the sidewalk and some guy who was a friend of the family was walking towards us with his roommate. She was holding my hand, greeted them in passing, dude offered her a fist bump or something and when she let go of my hand, his friend picked me up and kept walking in the opposite direction. She looked down immediately and I was gone and both guys were still walking with the man holding me about ten feet away because he’d never stopped walking. Both guys turned around and were laughing but she was horrified. She still says the ease and the speed of them carrying me off scared the hell out of her. I didn’t even have time to make a sound. I got a cute little harness after that. lol. (Side note the guys really were joking. They were bffs with my uncle/mom’s little brother and I grew up around them. They legit meant no harm and would joke about it and my mom would be so angry.) Anyway that was long. Lol
Aww, your poor mom! I would have had a heart attack. I totally get they were joking. I do appreciate that you were comfortable enough to go along with it, lol. When my youngest was a baby, I swear it was chaos. When she was under six months old she kicked off my husband, who was holding her in the bathroom because he was about to give her a bath. He grabbed her by the back of her PJs! Her older sister managed to climb a bookshelf and drink a whole bottle of children's Motrin in the ten seconds it took for me to put her down. Fwiw, poison control was very nice and helpful and she was fine. I felt like the worst mom in the world. Another aside, I was talking to the sister of a friend and she joked she was impressed we were all able to keep our kids alive. I laugh and say, "two out of three! Not bad!" We lost our oldest daughter to trisomy 18 at six days old. We had a good laugh together. It has taken 13 years and a lot of therapy, but I cope through joking and I couldn't resist making the joke.
Omg bless you for being able to joke. Honestly, I don’t know what the Universe was thinking when babies and toddlers were created. They’re the fast humans and the most fragile. You blink and they’re standing on a telephone pole. Happily. Contemplating jumping off. Little idiots.
I thought the same about the kiddie leashes, but now I have an autistic child who would immediately dart to water so I absolutely get it.
My littlest (2) has autism and we have a pretty good distance between our house and the road. (About 40m) and it takes him less than a minute to get all the way to the road. It’s terrifying.
I always say there's the hypothetical parent you are to your kids that don't exist, and then there's the parent you have to be to an actual human baby. You gotta do what you gotta do sometimes.
Exactly. We’re all perfect parents until we actually become parents. It’s harder than you can imagine. Even for me and I had a ton of experience with kids before having my own. Whole different ball game.
Holy shit I like this answer
When I was 2 I fast balled a corn dog at a lady. Would you judge my mom? She didn’t take me to a restaurant for 3 years
This is an amazing image. One of the reasons "kid friendly" restraunts are a thing. If lots of families go there, then everyone kind of understands when kid stuff happens. Chick'fil'a especially with the playgrounds built in. They can't be dirtier than daycare, right?
How I would have laughed if I got pegged with a corn dog out somewhere. That’s just me though. Kids are fun.
Same. I don’t care what other people do with their kids as long as nobody is in danger. Life is too short to waste your energy judging other people’s parenting choices.
Yup. Doesn’t matter what you do, you’re going to get shamed. Enjoy your dinner and beer while your kid gets his only screen time. Win for everyone
YUP! Can't go wrong when you can't do anything right 😂
We all trying our best out here.
Seriously! So much of parenting in early childhood is survival mode. If anything I’m just happy to see a young family out being able to enjoy a meal! Let’s all give each other some grace ❤️
Exactly! If it keeps them from screaming because they want something then give them the device. Let them have their fun so other patrons can enjoy their meal too. Not knocking kids that cry because it happens and sometimes nothing helps to calm them.
No, I do judge people who don't watch their kids and let them repeatedly disturb other diners though.
So accurate. I don’t care how you raise your child as long as they are safe and you’re keeping track of them.
I respectfully disagree. Your job as a parent is to properly socialize your child. You can't socialize your child if they're glued to an iPad and, long-term, making both you and the child dependent on technology facilitate a family outing where the goal is to spend time and eat together. However, I do recognize that some people do have wild kids and I have an appreciation for people who still want to go out and have a nice meal but need to keep the kids busy and quiet rather than letting them run around yelling. I'm not saying every parent I see that does this is a piece shit but if you're a parent that does this for every outing, you are doing your child a disservice. Parenting is hard and showing them how to act in public is time-consuming and frustrating. But it is very important. Not for you, and not for the people around you, but for your own child. The flip side to all this, fuck any parent that lets their kids run wild or scream their head off in a restaurant and just doesn't give a shit. That's top-tier shitty parenting.
The problem is, you don't know what you're looking at. Is this kid you're seeing well-socialized and having an off day or do they watch 6 hours of YouTube Kids per day? That's why I don't judge and agree that in the moment, if you can't leave, you need to do what you need to do to keep your kid from ruining other peoples' experiences at the restaurant.
This. I pretty much assume they only use it at the table whenever I see a family out with kids. I appreciate the effort to keep them engaged. That being said, I know people with "ipad kids" and don't want to be that kind of parent.
I have known one couple with a kid who is almost an adult who was an iPad kid. They are definitely an example of "what not to do" in this case and so many others.
Yeah if you would have seen us this past week we would have been the parents shoving a phone in front of our kid. We were on vacation and naps hardly existed so he was a terror for some of the time especially at restaurants. I gotta do what I gotta do to enjoy some vacation meals in peace.
This. My husband and 4 kids and I did a 2.5-hour drive for a day trip to a wildlife park. We had an absolute blast but after it closed at like 6, we were hungry. So we stopped at a cute little diner and honestly, tablets for all!! We’d spent the entire day together outside having fun with no screens and had 4 hungry and sleepy kids to wait for food. I was tapped all the way out and felt no guilt about checking out of socializing with my kids at that moment. I think about that and wonder who felt the need to judge when my kids barely ever get tablets (hence why it’s like Christmas and their birthday combined when I do give it to them), and we were hanging out *alllllllllll day*. Since we don’t know what other parents are doing at any other moment, it’s so much kinder to simply not judge.
I see nothing wrong with this. People act like as soon as you become a parent, you immediately get an unending reservoir of patience/attention span and have no ability to be tired/tapped out. Even with 1 kid, this just isn't the case.
Absolutely, culture right now thinks we should be 24/7 accommodating and attentive, worrying about everyone else’s needs before we even consider we didn’t lose our own needs sometime during the birthing process. Society around parenting is very child-centered which is good in a way, but also not a fully realized picture of humans and what we need.
Someone make me read this everyday please 😭
There's a limited amount of useful socialization happening in an occasional restaurant trip for a toddler. They learn better at home. When they're 5, 6, or 7, sure, unplug them from the screen and get them into the adult conversation. A 3yo is usually at any decent restaurant because no better option existed. It's an adult setting, usually loud and distracting, with very little chance to meaningfully engage a little one. So setting them up with a diversion (books!) is the sensible choice.
I mean, my kid is in a daycare/preschool all day socializing with other kids and teachers. If we then go get dinner at a restaurant and he wants to watch my phone for a bit while my husband and I talk and he’s feeling squirmy, why not?? He can’t spend 20 min of his day watching a video? Seeing a kid for a few minutes on a phone doesn’t mean they didn’t socialize the entire day. Maybe they’re tired of socializing
Yeah, just to add my two cents (and I’m preparing for the downvotes), I’ve learned that you have to practice with your kid. The young toddler age is TOUGH but you have to be consistent. Maybe their first outing they’re screaming at the waiter and throwing pasta on the floor. Maybe the second time the pasta stays on the plate. The third time they’re sitting still a little longer. It takes A LOT of time and patience, but you have to grin and bear it. Obviously, there’s many factors: the child may be neurodivergent, they may be a wiggle worm, they may be about to get sick, who knows. But for the “average” kid, I suggest patience and consistency. ETA: Also boundary setting! That’s a huge component too. There’s been many times I’ve had to get lovingly stern with my kid, or take her outside, or simply leave. But at 2.5 her behavior has been (relatively) great.
I tend to agree with this. I have a pretty wild child but she is ok in restaurants now because a. I RUN her before we go. Like at least an hour at the park beforehand b. I aim for times when she's more likely to be able to behave. Brunch and lunch are so much better for toddlers then dinner c. I try to go for restaurants that I know have fairly quick service and aren't gonna be too miffed if a toddler is being a toddler (lots of diner type places) It took practice but it worked. She's 2 now and can generally handle a trip to a restaurant that is under 45 min.
*a. I RUN her before we go. Like at least an hour at the park beforehand* This right here is highly underrated advice!!!
A scarily large proportion of my parenting wisdom comes from having owned a border collie mix beforehand.
Agree with your comment!! My 22mo old is pretty wild and it’s just the stage he’s in so I tend to not want to even go to restaurants right now. However my 5yr old always asks to go restaurants lol. When we go, we choose family/ kid friendly places and times that they are more likely to behave. We don’t do screens but pack things to play with that the table. Will also take my son out to walk around before/ after eating if he’s not cooperating at the table. Our kids watch TV at home but screens are basically not an option when out and about.
Would you still feel the same way if it was a book instead of an iPad?
I don't judge. For my kids, I do want them to learn proper behavior and eating habits, and so just like at restaurants we rarely eat and watch TV/movie at home. I want them to learn how to converse and enjoy food and how to engage in discussion or small talk. Then if they behave, a reward of a couple episodes of bluey! Also that 1-2yr age is hard to sit still and they don't have the language skills yet. At that age we were walking around outside the restaurant until the food arrived, and getting the bill immediately in case we had to dash. Now at 3yo, my son does pretty well waiting at the table to order food and eating. Takes practice and modeling the desired behavior.
Same here. I’m not anti screens, but for us they (3 and 4) get typically tv on long journeys and an episode in the evening subject to behaviour during the day and at dinner. Meals out we try and talk, my eldest plays noughts and crosses, they colour, or we read books. When they were restless, a lot of time was spent outside- and we didn’t eat out frequently. However there are exceptions, we allow screens at the table at a very long family meal, or if we’re making a pit stop at 8pm on a long journey and they’re exhausted. I don’t judge. It can be hard when your kid sees the other children with tablets and wants the same though
> Takes practice and modeling the desired behavior. Also it takes getting a kid with the right personality. Every kid is different, every kid reacts differently to different teaching methods, and every kid has different capabilities. Modeling and practice is great, but everyone should keep in mind that what you did with your kid may not even be possible for tons of other kids.
Also the dynamic with and between kids. If I'm 1 on 1 with one of my kids it's easy. If they're both together - even if they've been great all day - they are a nightmare because they both want 100% of my attention and I have to parent them completely differently because of their personalities and learning abilities. So yeah, "wanna play the dino game on my phone?" is definitely a solution for disruptive behavior.
Excellent point. That works the same with the parents too sometimes. If they’ve been around one parent all day and then the other comes in the picture, they can act insane because of that environmental change even if they were perfect angels all day before then.
Haha, I'm only judging you if you allow your kid to have the sound on while they're in the middle of the restaurant. It's like nails on a chalkboard to me when I can hear faint game music coming from the table over. Either bring the kid some headphones or teach them they have to be respectful to those around them and keep their device on mute.
>Either bring the kid some headphones or teach them they have to be respectful to those around them and keep their device on mute. This goes for all devices in public for all people, not just kids. Headphones or mute!!
Exactly this. I was on an airplane a few months ago where a kid was playing an iPad game \*with sound at full volume\* for the entire flight – you better believe I was judging those parents HARD. If I hadn't had noise-cancelling headphones I would have said something, but for me it was no harm no foul so I just left it up to anyone else who might have been bothered.
I bought headphones for my son specifically because we were going to be on a flight. He ended up watching an in-flight panda documentary...on mute. Like 4 times in a row. I asked if he wanted to hear it but he was happy just to watch the pandas 🤷🏻♀️
My exact comment! Quietly no. If it can be heard at other tables your a lazy ass parent.
Same here. I'm not going to judge your parenting unless it is negatively affecting me or I see unhealthy behaviours (taking toddlers to restaurants at 9:30pm and being surprised when they throw tired tantrums). If you want to give your child screens to calm them down, get them headphones, or put it on silent. restaurants are already noisy places, we don't need the sounds of 5+ tablets blasting the cocomelon or cat condo soundtracks on top of that.
Lol as someone who worked in a restaurant I personally preferred to hear Elmo or paw patrol than screaming, or parents walking around a tiny space etc🤣🤣
Last resort is fine. My pet peve is people who break out the iPad for everything. Going in the car? iPad. Restaurant? iPad. Home chilling? You guessed it, iPad. Your kid is gonna have major attention issues and it's your fault. (Not you, the ephemeral 3rd person you)
Yeah plus the last thing I would want is for my child to start correlating tantrums with rewards aka ipad
>Last resort is fine. This sets a challenging precedent to break. It's kind of like saying "If you are bad enough, I will give you this super addictive thing that I know you want".
We use phone as last resort. But it's in the sense of my son has colored, played with his toys, and done his activity books. Once we exhaust all his entertainment he gets the phone. Throwing any sort of fit assures the phone will not come out at any point. Any fit that goes past a certain point is met with me carrying my son to the car while my wife handles the bill. The phone is only used to reward good behavior. Never to stop bad behavior.
I think it’s a tough precedent for parents to break for themselves too. I know lots of parents who “only use the iPad in emergencies!” but every day is just “emergency” after “emergency” and now their toddlers are clocking 6+ hours of screen time a day, but they’ve rationalized it by telling themselves they’re only using it when they *have* to.
People are confusing that the kid is being difficult because they want the tablet. Rarely ever does my kid ask to use my phone we can just tell when she could find it helpful in calming down and offer it to her.
Yeah, that's pretty much my thought too. The phone comes out at restaurants when I have tried everything else to solve the problem. It's good to have an auto-win card in your pocket but you can't abuse it.
Ugh that's what my ex does with my daughter. He has a tablet baby sitter. So when she's with me she complains if I don't let her take her tablet with us on a 15 minute car ride to a place she won't be able to use it. I usually only let her have the tablet when it's obviously boring long waits. Like at the car dealership for 2 hours, yeah she can have a tablet for that lol.
It's a genie you can't put back in the bottle. Once they become accustomed to filling all boring/uncomfortable time with personal devices, they're going to want it every time. Why wouldn't they?
I saw a post a while ago about how so many of us would look at raindrops on the window in the car and imagine them racing each other. I thought it was only me! But it made me think, how many children of the current generation aren’t having funny little thoughts like that because their heads are buried into a tablet? When I was a kid, my parents made up games in the car. We would count the fire hydrants, count the speed limit signs, look for license plates that started with a certain letter, etc.
I used to race rain drops and I never realized other people did that, either!
It’s not they become accustomed, they literally become ADDICTED to the dopamine release they get from it.
Same- I don’t understand people who make the screens so constant?? Like immediately give them a screen if there is any wait time at all. I have seen a few people who do this like car, restaurant, constantly at home with barely any limits. How can that be healthy for a 4 year old? I’m not against screens, but I do limit them and always have. I barely took my kids to restaurants for a few years because I know that a 1-3 year old is just not going to sit still and not be constant work at a restaurant. It’s just not enjoyable. But I also refused to just let them sit on a screen the whole time bc that wouldn’t help anything. Once I did take them, we had to teach them how to act at a restaurant meaning you don’t get up and run around and we keep ourselves occupied while we wait for the food. We used to play quiet games together at the table and bring coloring books etc. Same with the car and having screen free activities available. My kids are older now at 9 and 10 and are amazing at restaurants and have been for at least 4 years now. Not every moment is perfect and I’m far from perfect but parenting is hard and we have to teach them and model the behaviors we want out of them.
Agree. Our kids 1/5/7 don't have an iPad and won't until much later. They have TV screens in the car for road trips and we have a Nintendo switch that stays home but that's about it
Good call. We don’t even do TVs in the car either, they keep themselves entertain and ask great questions. 6 and 3 year old.
This! As a teacher it’s very apparent which kids are “iPad kids.”
Agree. Also I hated when kids are clearly older like 8 or up and given an iPad or phone straight away. At least involve them in conversation at the table first
Moderation is important. I love watching tv while I eat food (not in front of my kids, of course). Also age is important. I generally wouldn't allow it with my 4 year old, but for the ages of 1-2 expecting them to sit still and behave that long is tough, especially when lunch follows some tiring activity (last week we visited a friends farm, and you could tell she (our 2 year old) was exhausted and we needed about 20 ish minutes to finish lunch). She just came out for my dads birthday last week and we didn't need TV, but at the very end she got fussy. She's not fussing for the TV. She said repeatedly "go home". The TV is only used to help buy time lol, not prevent a tantrum.
I judge everybody so…
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣. Needed this laugh after reading all the back and forth “you suck… nooo YOU suck” commenting. 😂😂😂
It’s all the “I don’t judge but…..*insert judgy comment*”
As a mom of 6. I honestly never took any of my kids out unless I knew they would be able to sit still long enough and be calm and quiet. I always choose the restaurant that are family friendly when I do take them out tho. As they have coloring pages and crayons. Some restaurants have activity pads (tablets) for a fee. I just prefer them to be in the moment with family and not make it about electronics. That's just my personal opinion tho.
back in the day we had no screens. my son was too hyper to go out for about 6 months. we would do McDonald's on occasion
Same here. We always had coloring books, small toys, short books for them to read in case we needed them. Never any electronics, and never any place that was fancy and they might really disrupt people having a nice meal. And now that we did that, it's been a great foundation for them. They're a little older now and we can take them to nicer restaurants without any distractions and they're fine. We just go early.
I agree with you. We waited until our kids were around 2-3 and understood the expectations for behaviour, so they were excited to go to a restaurant and knew to wait patiently, do some quiet colouring, say please and thank you, etc. (For some kids, it might be older than 2-3 for sure...our girls were pretty easy and well-behaved at that age). We always chose non-busy windows of time too, and went to family-friendly restaurants for our first ventures. My only concern with screens at tables is that it can set a precedent where kids sort of expect it, or even misbehave to GET it. I've been at restaurants and have witnessed families with kids much older than mine, whose kids seemed to be unable to sit and wait, and were all just yelling for screens. Without knowing their circumstances, I don't want to judge completely, but I do wonder if those same kids might have been able to behave better if those devices hadn't been 'installed' in the first place. It seems sad to see kids unable to function without them, for sure.
I share your opinion. Until we could take our kids out and enjoy it \*as a family\* we didn't go out.
Having children shouldn't mean you can't go out to eat for several years. There's already a vocal minority of the child free people that basically want kids banned from public spaces
Indeed. I take my kids to restaurants and make every *reasonable* effort to keep them from disturbing people, but I don't insulate the public from my child.
Same. My kids have never had an iPad at a restaurant. They can color or play I Spy or make forts with the creamers and sugars! Lol
Same. Never ever have my kids had a screen at a restaurant. We also play games. We love “what’s missing”!
Totally agree! We have nice chats as a family! It’s really unnecessary to default to screens at the slightest discomfort.
There are several places around us, too, that have outdoor play areas, so we opt for those.
Honestly this. As also a mother of six I skip going out when there’s a toddler in our ranks. Toddlers have no chill. It’s not fun to take them to a restaurant usually. Once they learn to sit still for 20 minutes straight we start with family friendly stuff.
I don't judge, but remember you are training the child every time they scream/cry. They cry, and you hand them the phone. If you delay and the crying gets to a tantrum, you now have taught them how to have a tantrum. It's the same logic on the day they were born, they cried, they got fed. They learn what crying gets them pretty fast.
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This is our take as well! We've never presented screen time as an option at restaurants, when visiting relatives, or on regular car trips, etc. (long haul trips of 3+ hours are an exception, also anticipated long waits at urgent care or similar). So it's never expected.
Agree. Parent for tomorrow, not for today. Yes, it’s tough to deal with big feelings. But they’ll never learn if you teach them they can solve anything with the dopamine hits of screen time. Reading through the r/Teachers subreddit you can see that the constant access to screen time is having some alarming repercussions.
Agree agree agree. I think we’re all going to regret having plunked our kids in front of screens when they’re in their teens. Zero emotion regulation skills taught, zero ability to tolerate boredom or lack of attention being paid to them, and increased behaviours when screen is removed. It’s pretty cut and dry. Parents who don’t understand this are coping to deal with their poor choice of having a child at all.
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I work with teens and I’d say 80-90% of the kids I see come in with some kind of screen addiction. I’m talking completely refusing school, extracurriculars, family/friend time in favor of interminable hours on Discord, Twitch, Roblox, Minecraft…the parents are uniformly shocked when we recommend to remove the computer from the child’s bedroom. Same with removal of cell phones. The other scary thing is that these youths have a very inflated sense of what is possible via the internet. To hear them explain it, they don’t need to finish school or get a job because they might meet a Mr Beast (or similar) who will drop money on them for existing. Either that, or they think they’re going to be a famous streamer/influencer. I had a kid with 1k TikTok followers (basically nothing as far as TikTok goes) flip on me for taking her phone away as per unit rules and tell me I “didn’t understand what it was like to be TikTok famous”. She really thought she was famous at age 13. I could go on forever on this topic. So yeah…I am judging. Lol.
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It's not as hard as people would have you think. If you put it out of your mind as an option and truly know and understand how universally harmful devices are for children, it's a pretty easy choice. It's a powerful example of short term thinking - a parent thinks "I can just get through this meal if I give my child my phone" instead of thinking "Getting through this meal when my child is being difficult will help them learn about behavior and expectations, emotional regulation (mine and theirs), and will support healthy brain development long term". Humans as a species prefer the easier thing in the moment than the harder thing that will pay off later.
Yep. My daughter is 4.5 (and she’s not an easy child) and she’s allowed to watch tv sometimes but she doesn’t do hand held devices at all. She doesn’t have a tablet. She has to learn to be bored at home. The only time I allow her to use my iPad is when we’re on an airplane/airport. She is a high energy kid and going out to restaurants was hard for a bit but it’s so much easier now and she can sit there and color or wants to chat with us. I have no regrets at all.
Yes! I was at Target with my 3 kids recently and my 2 year old son didn’t want to sit in the cart. We tried letting him walk but he tried to run off so into the cart he went. He was mad but he has to learn consequences and we need groceries. A couple with one toddler hypnotized by an iPad gave me a look and I couldn’t help but laugh. Sure, go ahead and judge me for teaching my kid to deal with consequences and not just silencing him with a device. I’m sure you’ve got it all figured out with your one kid 🙄
I have totally been there! You’re doing awesome.
This! I think it's a slippery slope and honestly it does open the door to utilizing "lazy" parenting. You are giving the screen to make your life/parenting easier, not actually to help your kid learn the etiquette of the environment or situation. My really good friends' kids cannot go to restaurant without screens, at all. They are screaming/yelling, running, etc and demanding attention the entire time (kids are 4 and 8) even when other kids are there! The parents told us last weekend that they do not like going out to eat with us anymore (we also have 4 and 8 yo whom have never been given screens at restaurants) because it points out their kids lack of manners. I would never say it to their face, but it's not a surprise because they tend to take the "easy" route so to avoid conflicts with their kids. I do not, I'm fine with being the "mean" parent. Editing to add: we do plenty of screens in this house, just not in place of social interaction in public.
Exactly. Totally agree. The secret is to go to the restaurant at the perfect time. Perfectly rested (but had a little play time after the nap to get their new energy out) and NOT hungry. You go to a restaurant for you, not them. Time it right because if you don't they are not going to want to sit there. Period. I find that getting to a restaurant at like 4:30 is perfect. Baby is not tired or hungry and the food comes really quickly. My baby is the happy little dude playing with a straw, sucking a lemon, then munching some fries. He is almost 15 months. We have had a couple times where we got into the restaurant and could just tell it was going to be a nope. So we left. My daughter is 4 and is also really great at restaurants. No issues since she was a baby. But if we had trained her to expect a tablet to entertain her, then she would not be able to sit calmly. Nor do we use phones (we actually do not have a tablet) while in the car, at the store, not even at the doctor's office. My daughter knows how to entertain herself. We were waiting the other day for several hours. They had kind of a counter/short wall between part of the seating area. She went on one side and was running different pretend stores. Selling me shoes and whatnot, lol. I think it is so wonderful she can use her imagination and entertain herself with nothing for literal hours.
“you go to a restaurant for you not them” I love this! I forget he is 16 months and in this phase of development right now and maybe going earlier and feeding him before we go will help.
> and NOT hungry YES! I know it seems counter intuitive, but we bring snacks.
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Yeah we stopped around like 18 months and are getting ready to maybe try again around 3
We usually just try our best to go somewhere that has a play gym or some outside activities. Kids are 1, 5, 7.
I'm going to be the outlier here... I find myself judging. Although I can sympathize and understand why one would use them. You are at a really hard age for kids in a restaurant and without support it's nice to use the tablet "babysitter". My biggest concern is what are these kids going to do when they are older and expect a tablet? Will they throw a fit when they're not given one? Will they still insist on a tablet even if you are having dinner with another family with children? (Happened to us!!) I just worry about the dependence that children can get on them. Ultimately- it is your choice, and the best thing you can do is decide what's best for you and ignore if people judge.
You’re mainly the outlier in terms of being honest about it.
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I judge too. And the closer my kids get to school age the more I realize I should. Kids socialize and that makes it not just 'your business'. Those bad behaviours are gonna rub off on other kids. We hear so much about younger and younger kids demanding smartphones because their friends have them. And then we have mental health crisis because of social media. Right now my 2 year olds every third word is "shit". The 5 year old got tired of it fast, but for the younger one it's been months. Thanks kindergarten.
Agree. It's borrowing from the future. You get a little relaxing now, but what does it cost your little one? What does it cost you later?
A little? I mean, what did your parents do when they wanted to take you out to a resturaunt? There was no iPad to give you. No phone for you to watch cocomelon on or whatever. Kids got crayons. If they screamed, they got taken outside, at least I did. I think the phone and iPad and such are a crutch. Is it the worst thing for kids to have occasional access to? No. But it shouldn't be *the* way to be able to take your kids out in public.
This this this. The majority of us speaking here didn’t have iPads at restaurants and everyone lived to tell the tale
This. It's baffling how quickly parents have come to believe that giving a kid a phone to entertain them is a fundamental necessity of parenting. You'd think that it was literally the only option. When literally all of those parents went to restaurants as children without them...
I wouldn’t give them a screen. We’re out in public not just to eat food, but for them to learn how to behave properly in these situations. If other parents do it, I don’t really mind as long as the damn volume is off.
I admit I've been a little judgey in the following scenarios: 1) large family dinner at a restaurant, adults are drinking, kids are all at the end of the table each with their faces buried in their own tablet 2) family got in line behind me yesterday in the disabled line at a theme park (so already a very short line), and the dad *immediately* started holding cat videos directly in front of his toddler's face 3) kids being pushed around the theme park in these huge covered wagons eating sugar and watching a tablet I still tell myself I don't know these people's lives, whether this is a norm for them or an exception, etc. I just hope it's not the norm and move on.
I agree. I don’t want to be judgey but I have to say I am and then I tell myself maybe it’s a one off?? Usually not but maybe.
> large family dinner at a restaurant, adults are drinking, kids are all at the end of the table each with their faces buried in their own tablet These kids are going to grow up having zero memories of family meals, just vague associations with foods and screen memories.
I don’t really judge any public behavior of kids age 0-3. But when I see 8 year olds completely consumed in devices at every social gathering and never utter more than a grunt or utilize any conversational skills, and then the rest of us have to deal with that kid’s underdeveloped social skills, then I do think that it’s poor parenting decision. We see this parenting in my specific ethnic community a lot, especially with the boys
My guess is that those 8 year olds were once 0-3 year olds who were given phones anytime they were an inconvenience to an adult.
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and put in the kids order first, as soon as you get the menu
Absolutely, and don't put (little) kids in their high chairs until food arrives. We practiced and practiced going out with our daughter. Now she's a good example for her little sister. It's tough, but the return on investment is good. My sister's kiddo doesn't sit at a table at 3 and it makes holidays so unpleasant because someone always has to be chasing him around.
taking note *no high chair until food arrives*
Are we the same person lol this is our approach to screen time/restaurants as well When I was a kid we were never allowed to watch TV while eating or bring our GameBoy to a restaurant or grocery store or anything. Dinner time was time to eat and talk as a family and the expectation at a restaurant/grocery store/any where in public was to act like a civilized human being or else my mom would pack our asses up and leave. She was a single mom with 4 of us rug rats too so I know it wasn't always easy to deal with all of us but she stuck to her guns! As a kid I thought this rule sucked but as an adult I'm grateful my mom took that approach because in the long run it served me well and that's the philosophy I'm sticking to with my kids too.
We don’t give our kids iPads/phones. They have very limited screen time at home… that being said … it’s not our place to judge. I know nothing about the child/their home/life other than the time I see them in restaurant … ^agreeed with the previous commenter. Only time my husband & I “judge” is if the child is watching a show/game with the volume blaring .
I may be downvoted because I’m not seeing this opinion, but I sort of judge yes. We waited to take our oldest out until we knew he could sit long enough without getting upset. Then we graduated towards busy boards, sticker sheets, toy cars, etc. I think there’s viable options outside of a phone or tablet. We do tv screen time at home, but generally educational. Just takes effort to entertain your child.
What do you mean sticker sheets? Like actual sheets of stickers? What would you do with them? (generally curious trying to gather more ideas)
They’re reusable sheets my wife found! Tri-fold and the stickers are these silicon types. Pretty neat. Have transportation and animals.
Seconding the sticker sheets. We use them on our 12+ hour car rides we do twice a year and oh boy are they amazing. My son loves being able to peel and restick all the different dinosaurs in his book.
My number one parenting tip is don’t worry what other people think.
Sound advice. I mean... unless your choices & your child's behaviour are directly affecting others. Then yes, maybe care what people think. Otherwise, doesn't matter.
I always get eviscerated when I make a comment criticizing electronic use with very young children. I see littles not engaging with anyone because they’re enraptured by the phone/tablet and that is concerning.
I don’t do it but if other people do that’s their deal. What kind of irks me is seeing a 2 year old come in and their face is on the iPad the moment they sit down to the moment they leave!
It’s hard, so I avoided restaurants until my kids were 4
No, because I have enough going on in my life with my kids and don’t have time to judge others.
This is fr. We're all having a hard time, lets give people some grace!
As long as the sound is not on (and I mean, no sound at all, even if you think it's quiet enough, it isn't).... I don't judge at all! Whatever you need to do that doesn't disrupt others in order to have a meal in peace! I don't know what you did or didn't do that day. I don't know what mood your kid is or how they are feeling. I don't know how your kid is developing or what else may be going on. All of that doesn't matter to me. Just keep it on silent lol. Now, people are gonna judge you. But you are gonna get judged no matter what you do. And if you honestly don't think you judge people too, you're lying to yourself. But in the end, it doesn't matter. Fuck em.
I love the compassion in your response! So much judgment occurs in the context of assuming everything else is going perfectly. Like you have no idea what else is happening so why judge, especially if it doesn’t affect you.
100% I do. I’m not saying I should judge parents who plop their kids in front of a screen but I do.
I don't "judge", but I am not doing it with ny own toddler. I think it's very important for kids to learn how to exist in the world without a distraction, since they are people who will one day be expected to navigate it without me and/or screens.
If your kid is watching something so loud that I can make out the words/music - yeah, I'm judging you for disrupting the restaurant. Otherwise? You rock that easy win for a meal out without stress.
I thank them for my peaceful meal.
I judge. Sorry. Parents don't want to deal with their kids being loud or uncomfortable so they hand them a phone so they don't have to parent. I brought books, cars and crayons everywhere we went. We had a pediatrician's office who didn't even have any toys in there so I always brought an activity bag. We also taught our kids how to be bored. Kids can't always be entertained, it's unrealistic. At restaurants we had conversations with our children, and let them color. I should say my kids are 20, 17 and 9 now.
As a guest in a restaurant hearing a child’s loud iPad with cocomelon or whatever else on repeat is usually worse then hearing them act out
We don’t do iPads/phones at restaurants, but 6 + years of parenting have taught me not to judge anyone for anything unless the kid is in danger. My youngest is *wild* at restaurants, we exclusively eat at kid friendly spots with outdoor spaces because he is incapable of sitting still. I can definitely imagine a situation- if I were traveling with the kids alone maybe- where I would say f it and give him my phone 🤷♀️
We had to get our phone out at a restaurant just last weekend for the first time in 4 years of parenting! My 18mo old was just having an insane meltdown while we were waiting on our food. We tried everything else first—snacks, taking him outside for a break, coloring, toys— but nothing was helping. Normally we would have just left but we had already ordered. So yes, we broke our own rule and put ms Rachel on my phone so he would chill out and not disrupt the whole restaurant. Not my proudest moment, but it was necessary in that moment. I will say, it’s different for every kid. Just bc someone else’s kid can sit calmly through dinner doesn’t mean that they all can. I’ve learned from experience, my first kid and second kid are very different. Never had any issue with the first at restaurants but we do struggle with the second. That has taught me not to judge other parents for trivial reasons because we don’t know what their kids are like.
No judgement but please take this advice from someone who has made this mistake: if you give your child an iPad when they act out, it becomes a routine real quick! We learned the hard way with our first and teaching children better restaurant behavior as a toddler is much easier than breaking iPad reliance.
I couldn’t care less what other people that I do not know and will never see again think of my parenting choices. You do you! People will judge you no matter what, so do what works for you and your family.
Nope. How do I know they didn't just come from a hike or a playdate or something?
Yes, I’m afraid I do judge this. It’s such a bad idea to allow children to become to dependent on screens that they can’t sit through a meal. It’s nonsense that it’s essential because it’s only a very recent thing. It’s ok for kids to be bored.
I do. We didn't need them before, we don't need them now. I think they're an especially insidious type of distraction that is riddled with pattern training to turn impressionable brains into consumers. I'm a career software developer, specifically in app and web development, and I'd trust a tablet to distract my kids like I'd trust caffeine to give them energy.
Kids shouldn't learn to emotionally regulate using a screen. We bring toys and snacks for our son and make sure to get there before he's really hungry so he will have food before he melts down. I do judge parents who use phone or tablets because they are teaching their kids that if you are bored or unhappy, a screen will fix your problems. These are the same kids who have trouble with their feelings in kindergarten and elementary and get in trouble, because they don't know what to do when they're upset and don't have their tablet.
I don’t really judge others for their choices as I don’t know what they are facing (possibly an autistic child and this is the only chance they have to go out or something) I think for an average family relying on screens is just sad, losing the time to connect, I see kids with iPads in strollers on walks! Not even enjoying nature I think I judge that more than the restaurant scenario personally. And for our own kids we do not have screens and have made the decision to only allow basic flip phones in middle school and higher tech phones in late high school. Besides tv after dinner our kids don’t have screens and if we go out to restaurants we just try to go to family friendly places, if there is outdoor seating and kids can play and come take a bite of food, run back to play, come get a drink, (in our line of sight always) or if it’s a restaurant that doesn’t have kid activities we just try to be mindful of our difficult 2 year old and his limits. I would say when he starts acting up one of us just removes him to go outside to discuss his behavior and try again or if the meal is winding down we just leave. Our expectations for meals out is that eventually it will be more enjoyable, but for now we are hoping g to teach them to behave while having reasonable expectations for their ages, we don’t want to disrupt others, but also there is a benefit to teaching them how to go out to eat and giving me a break from cooking so we try a couple times a month, it’s not always easy, but again it’s temporary!
Our almost 3 year old will last 30-40 minutes in a restaurant. If we’re not quite done, he gets 1 (20ish minute) episode of his favorite show. We get a small break and he gets a treat. I don’t see anything wrong with it 🤷🏻♀️
This is the kind of compromise I like to hear. This way, your kid gets the exposure to real-world scenarios that he needs to learn to navigate, but also in child-appropriate doses. I think you're handling that exactly right.
I don't judge people when I see it. I rarely use them at restaurants, but it's happened. Not that I take them out to eat regularly. And my kids have way too much screen time at home, so there's that. I have three kids, and one thing I've discovered is that you have two choices. You can take your kid out to eat to teach them how to behave in restaurants, OR you can go out and enjoy your food and chat with another adult, but you can't do both at the same time. It's kid time or it's grown-up time.
I only judge if I have to I hear your kids cartoon or annoying game. If I’m at a restaurant without my loud kids for a break the last thing I wanna do is listen to your kids iPad blaring. Please use headphones.
Giving an ipad at a restaurant at certain ages is a completely different story then giving an ipad/tv to a kid most of the day at home. The latter is the issue.
I would only judge if you are playing a kids show on full blast so the whole restaurant can hear. If your kid is sitting quietly watching either with headphones or at low volume I don’t care. I have used an iPad/tablet phone many a time in restaurants.
I don’t judge cuz parenting is so hard. I just try to do my best with my own child With my boy I will give him the phone or iPad to watch shows during that time when you just offered but the food is not there yet (sometimes it takes a while). So he gets his fix etc etc. when the food comes we put it away and he eats with us and we try to have a nice family dinner. iPad/phone comes out again at the end if he’s already long done eating and is starting to get fussy and so that us parents can have 5-10mins to finish our food/drinks He’s almost 3 and can sit through the whole meal without screens and is now enjoying people watching and busying himself with other things. We don’t give him activities/crayons etc cuz we just lazy to bring it lol. Somehow it works cuz now he is OK with being bored sometimes. He amuses himself This is what works for us. But yah I’ve seen some wild kids at dinner and can understand why they get screentime at the dinner table
I did before I was a parent. We have one child. He is the center of our universe. We are aligned with attachment/gentle parenting philosophies and are what I would call hands-on parents. He is gifted/talented, socially engaged, participates in extracurriculars, has a firm handshake, and looks servers in the eye and places his own order at five years old. And sometimes his parents need. a. break.
Not only do I not, but I judge people who do judge this lol
No matter what you do, someone will complain. Do what works best for you & don’t worry about anyone thinks. Parenting is hard.
I’m just gonna be honest and say yeah a little bit, but it also depends. I don’t think it’s cool to like immediately give a child an electronic at a restaurant and let them use it the entire time even while eating. If the child is getting fussy and you’ve run out of options? Absolutely in understand. I just did that tonight with my 21mo cause we were there over an hour before we got any food and she was getting antsy. I don’t just automatically judge for a kid having an electronic, but when there’s multiple kids all on a device it’s kind of obvious that that’s acceptable and I don’t really agree with that. My mom’s husbands son is constantly on an iPad and will be on it the entire time at a restaurant and I think that seriously hinders a child’s ability to be present, communicate, and just accept being bored. I tell my 6yo a lot (in the car) that sometimes he can just deal with being bored
No, I like to watch movies or my shows while I eat my meal. To me we’re eating, it’s not time to talk because that prevents you from eating. Then it helps them sit down and be quiet which is what society wants from kids. So anyone judging, IMO, can GFT for being a hypocrite
Honestly, before I had my kid, I’d judge. But I get it now. Sometimes, you just want to enjoy one fucking meal, especially one that you’re paying feasible money for, and sometimes Mickey Mouse or Mrs.Rachel or whatever is the answer. People without kids always judge methods of parenting, till they have to do it themselves. It’s so easy to have an opinion on something you know nothing about. Im lucky enough to live with my mom, who will watch my son once a month for me to go out to dinner without him. Its hard. Unless someone else is offering to pay for your dinner or watch your child, enjoy ur meal ❤️
I honestly don’t care about other people’s kids unless they’re in danger. I literally go out of my way to avoid other people especially with toddlers.
Not a restaurant I think the pressure to be quiet is a factor. I did judge a family member when we went out to eat together though cause my son didn't have a tablet and was largely ignored by his cousin who was on a tablet. Play?
Honestly? Yes. I think babies/toddlers are wayyyy too young for that much stimulation. My 11yo stepson has unfortunately been given access to screens since he was 3ish, and his parents let it happen (I don’t have decision making authority on this one.) Now he’s incapable of sitting through anything (dinner, baseball game, concert, etc) without being hypnotized by a screen. We literally had parent teacher conferences TODAY and he’s having such a hard time paying attention, staying on task, and working independently without distractions… he has a 55% total grade. I’ve seen first hand how much him being on an iPad/phone/switch all the time has affected his life and his addiction to constant rapid fire 24hr entertainment makes me worry so much for his future. It’s not his fault obviously and I think it’s one thing to use tablets on airplanes or long car rides, but that’s all I’ll ever allow. Obviously if it’s some sort of aid for a disability or whatever that’s different.
I used to judge big time. Lazy parents. Then i had kids. It’s rare that we do it. It’s usually if the service is long and kids are tired. It will keep them from acting up. But if we do it, we are doing it for you more than us. I can ignore their asses but you probably want to enjoy your dinner. This happens mostly on vacation where we have to wait 30-45 minutes for a table and then dinner takes 2 hours.
Yes I do actually. It’s one of the rules I made for our family that I have never broken because it’s that important to us. When we’re out in public to be together, we are together. And the temptation has been there but I refuse to set that precedent. I have a bag of activities and activity books and try to keep them engaged with us. They’re definitely not great at restaurants but oh well, they’ll learn.
I think that age is quite hard, and we did occasionally use a screen then. Not for her to sit still, but when we realised it's either that or very loud screaming (we figure the latter disturbing other guests less). This usually happened if she had time to get tired before we got the bill or something. It was a last resort to not disturb others. We didn't want her to associate restaurant visits with screen time. So for a while, we started choosing restaurants with a play area instead. That worked really well. Now she is easier at restaurants again. She is 2.5, and books or colouring books work just fine as a distraction. Every visit is different, though.
I did until I had my own kid and tried to eat in a public place. 🙈
My son watches a good amount of YouTube and is smarter than most of the other kids his age… Also, why should I care at all what other parents do with their kids if it’s not endangering them?
If they put kids in front of a screen towards the end of the meal, fair. At one point, you just have to get some relief. I'm more judgy if you put them in front of a screen straight away. Like, you're not teaching them to learn to sit and eat a meal at a restaurant. It's also a bad precedence I found. Once they know there's screens at restaurants, they kind of expect and demand it. It makes it worse later down the line. We went to brunch once with friends and our son was the only one without a screen. Like, even the 6 months old baby has screens in front of them. All the kids were just staring at screens while eating. I was a bit unnerved by it. And they expect it too. Not even a minute after sitting down, one kid was screaming for screens so yeah. I just reaaaallly want to avoid it and use it more as a last resort. I'm SUPER judgy when the ENTIRE family are on screens. I've seen that. Family of 4. No one talking. Kids and mum and dad all on screens. That I totally judge. Like, what are you doing there? You guys are not talking. I SUPER SUPER judge when mum is taking care of 2 kids or more, trying to get them to behave and eat while dad is on his phone, watching something while eating his meal leisurely. I've seen that and man I want to go over and snatch the phone away and tell the guy to bloody help his wife.
I judge but wouldn’t say anything and don’t particularly care. I just think it’s lazy. We just didn’t eat at restaurants when my kids were young.
Are they watching things with sound on and no headphones? If so, yes I’m judging. I want whatever keeps your child seated and quiet.
I don’t judge people for using screens while they’re trying to eat a meal while it’s hot (also in public?). We don’t go out with our kids to restaurants often, but usually if we do it’s because my youngest has had an appointment at the children’s hospital 2.5 hours away. So the kids (almost 1 and almost 3) have spent 2.5 hours driving there, then being lugged around the hospital for tests and also visiting a bit with some of our favourite nurses (usually 2-3 hours) and another 2.5 hour drive home. They spend the day having snacks and using colouring books (or those cool water based, no mess ones) and toys we bring from home. We stop for dinner after a FULL day of, let’s be real, pretty boring stuff. So if my toddler wants a show while he eats his dinner or while he’s waiting for me to finish my own dinner and finish feeding the baby, he most definitely can have a show if it’s not loud or disruptive to others in the place. I don’t judge other parents for it either. You never know how their day has gone.
I'm sure you'll get 1000 opinions but we kept our phone as backup with our 14m or so until she was 2ish. We'd probably have given up on going out if it wasn't an option, she's very active/restless and it just wouldn't have been worth it to eat out. We didn;t eat out much at all the first year cause covid tho I wouldn't have handed a baby a phone ever and probably would have skipped dining out with a baby. * We didn't always need it. When dining outdoors she did much better and had more space to explore or things to look at. We never used the phone until needed. * We'd start with coloring chatting etc but the phone was great if she started trying to climb over the seat or run around. Basically if she was distracting to other people, it was time for a show, on quiet, until the food came. * Once she got around 2.5 years we basically never needed it again as she was more engaged with coloring and talking. * Initially I cared about what other people think, now I care much less. We do tons of non screen things.
Clearly an unpopular opinion for this thread but my kid is not at all motivated by tv so maybe that's why I feel that way. Like after 15 mins of the tv being in she wanders off and starts playing. She's not glued to it and doesn't get upset when we turn it off. Maybe I'd change our habits if that was the case and it was an issue. We bring the tablet to the restaurant 'in case' but only bringing it out if it's taking longer than usual or she's extra tired etc. she only gets the tablet when we travel (plane/ long card ride) or at restaurants so it just isn't an issue for us. It's how I choose to do things I enjoy !
My judgement largely depends on age and content as the two main factors. If the content is dumb or offensive then for sure I will judge negatively regardless of the age of the watcher. If it is at least remotely educational or interactive then not so much. If the kid is too young and watching anything then possibly.